Quotes / Max0r Incorrect Summaries A To M

An Incorrect Summary of Ace Combat 7

"Ace Combat 7 is a game which takes place in the Strangereal universe, a deeply imagined world in which 90% of the planet is populated by white people. And, like most white people with disposable income, the denizens of Strangereal spend their time creating various gigantic superweapons and arming mutes. In this inspired story, the Kingdom of Erusea conducts a surprise attack on the Federation of Osea, on the continent of Usea, against the Fed—I can't do these names, dude, are you serious?
Uh, so there's like, the space elevator. It's... they want the space el—Erusea wants the space elevator—they just want it. And you are one of the few blessed psychopaths chosen to turn the tide of this war. So whether you're new to Ace Combat or a grizzled veteran, grab a seat and please enjoy An Incorrect Summary of Ace Combat 7."

—Max0r's introduction to Ace Combat 7

Act 1: The Lighthouse War

Briefing Officer: All right, men, as the first step in your briefing, I'm gonna have to ask you to ignore all the subtitles at the bottom. I don't know what's causing them. The whole continent's fucked and we're fucked, everything's getting bombed and I think it has something to do with that giant elevator that we built or something. So technically when I say everything, I also mean ourselves because we're being bombed right now. You should go into the air right now before you die.
Clown: (in-game) You gotta keep an eye out for enemy bombers.
Max0r: So you keep an eye out for all of the enemy bombers until they die while meeting your incredibly quirky squadmates (Brownie, Knocker). This is Clown. He's interesting.

—'''Max0r showing off Mission 01: Charge Assault

"You go to town murdering innocent unarmed transportation aircraft when you suddenly hear a strange beeping noise on the horizon, and find out that Obama is an Erusean and that he's sending his drone army to strike your Kunduz hospital, and you have to kill them before they reach an innocent Iraqi child."

—Max0r

"Hey guys, it's Jeff Bezos again from the inside of my gigantic Arsenal Bird, and I heard somebody ordered a package from me and it wasn't able to get to you on time, but don't worry, because I am here with the package. It is death, you will now die, cease to be."

—Jeff Bezos' Amazon drone hub making its grand entrance

"Also, you figure out via cutscene that womanSlayer69 is actually the world's oldest incel and is therefore a wizard. All of the drones are based off of his flight data exclusively so that they don't have sex."

—Max0r

Act 2: Spare Squadron

Max0r: With new aircraft and a new base comes new friends, such as Belkan (Tabloid), Gambler (High Roller), Just a Fuckin' Asshole (Full Band), Champ (I—I don't know what Champ does), and the Nickelback vocalist.
["Photograph" begins playing as Chad Kroeger holds up a photo of Count]

Max0r: We begin to astral project in order to look at womanSlayer69 and his friends, Jeff Bezos and children, only to witness actual pedophilia...
Dr. Schroeder: From time to time, I'd catch myself looking at 'em. They were such enthralling creatures.
Max0r: ...at which point we are able to figure out womanSlayer69's true name.
Dr. Schroeder: His real name is Mihaly Dumitru Margareta Leopold... [Schroeder's voice begins overlapping with itself]

"Burn Osea to the ground."

—JPEG Dog

Radio Man: Also, Jeff Bezos is sending nuclear missiles to whack your ass, please move.
[GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAAA—]

Act 3: Strider Squadron

"So you fight X Æ A-12, who, like you, has no blood, and seeks revenge upon the land of Osea for—okay, he's dead."

—Max0r

"Congrats on your pardons, guys, and welcome to the Long Range Strategic Strike Group. Try and say that ten times fast. Our next mission is to strike a group at long range strategically as the Long Range Strategic Stri—"

—LRSSG Base Commander

Max0r: With a new squad and new challenges comes new teammates, such as Woman, Male Human, Look at This Photograph, Every Time I Do It Makes Me Laugh, and, like everyone else, I... I don't know, they just don't talk. [...] All the while, your squad is... r—role-playing as chickens, what the fuck...?
Count: Stop treating me like a newborn chick.
Wiseman: Chirp, chirp, chirp, little chick.

"What once killed asteroids now kills assholes."

—LRSSG Base Commander on Stonehenge

Max0r: So you select an A-10, knowing full well that you'll only be fighting ground forces this mission...
Captions: DO NOT MAKE THIS FUCKING MISTAKE

Max0r: After fighting for several generations, you look to the sky and hear the sound of money rubbing together.
Jeff Bezos: Alright, bitch, I heard that someone here was takin' a fuckin' unauthorized bathroom break in my giga-warehouse and I've had it up to here with that shit.

Act 4: Salvation

"What the fuck is goin' on with the music? Alright, so this enemy has this gigantic fucking submarine, and I'm talking, like, railguns and two nuclear reactors and it can launch fucking planes. Why would you make a submarine that big?
This submarine, previously known as the Alicorn, remained at the bottom of the sea for 698 days, and instead of sending the crew to get psychological help, they just put them back on the submarine, so, recipe for success. We are receiving unconfirmed, unsubstantiated, and possibly falsified reports that the crew has come into possession of WMDs, so you need to invade them, like, right now."

—LRSSG Base Commander

Scream: Three Strikes, I will have you! You will die!
Max0r: Better not fuckin' cut yourself on that edge there...

Max0r: Yo guys, do you know what's up with, like, that raving homeless guy that keeps talking on the channel?
Captain Torres: Ahoy me mateys, it be me, Captain Torres, and I'm here to tell ye that ye can prevent like 99% of all wars by nuking the capital of Osea. I learned about ye knowledge while stuck under the sea for 698 days while only being able to watch Virtual Youtuber content, and now I'm as sane as any ol' scurvy dog of this ship. Yar har har, it's my mental illness, so I get to choose the coping mechanism.

Yo ho ho, on the sea we go
Set this bomb and away they blow
For salvation we fight and the truth we know
I will kill again and again for this virtual ho

—Captain Torres' Pirate Song

Max0r: Yeah, so a big part of this mission is actually dodging all the cluster munitions that Patchy the Pirate sends at you. Hang on, guys. I think I hear a different kind of mental illness on the horizon.
[Mimic Squadron appears]
Max0r: You do battle with them and I will admit, it's actually pretty amazing. I, I'm having fun. Uh, they, however, uh, they're not having fun.
[later]
Scream: I can't do anything, not on my own! I don't wanna live! Kill me!
Max0r: So you oblige her just this once, only to figure out that Captain Torres actually ended up resupplying while you were distracted by them. And get this: he did it in five minutes. Canonically.

"Alright guys, is anyone able to guess what kind of weapon Torres loaded onto his submarine? [Beat] Nah, who am I kidding, of course, it's a nuke. It's always a nuke. He's gone completely rogue from the Erusean military and they are no longer responsible for his actions. Based off of his insane homeless ranting, we were able to figure out that his intentions are to nuke the city of Oured, and kill a million people in an attempt to end the Lighthouse War.^note "You can't end a war by nuking Oured." "Salmvation." Please don't let him do that. The war is really profitable."

—David North

Max0r: So you set out to protect the planes that are dropping buoys to locate the submarine and how many fucking planes can fit inside of a submarine? You eventually find the damn thing and everyone shoots at it to make it surface. Then you shoot at the submarine because, like, what else would you do, not shoot at it? Also, um, as funny as my pirate voice is, uh, the real voice actor for Torres is even better than that.
Torres: [in-game audio] I will not allow our perserverance to be desecrated!
Max0r: Then he fires his main guns at you, an aircraft. Everyone's acting gangster until the water starts speaking Latin. You go in for one last attack on the ballast ta— [missiles nearly hit Trigger] —oh hoh hoh hoh! Then he deploys forcefields, like, how did he get that? But just before you are able to destroy the ship fully, Torres sends a message.
Torres: Yar har har, and here we are. We surrender, please don't fucking kill us.
David North: Okay, but you'll have to, like, hand over all your anime and the nuke.
[Beat]
Torres: The what?
North: The fucking nuke, Torres. What else would I be talking about?
Torres: No no no no no no, the other thing.
North: The anime?
[Beat as the camera zooms in on Torres' face]
North: Torres, you have to hand that shit over. It's like a hazard.
[Beat]
Torres: [now wearing Joker face paint] We live in a society! If I can't watch Marine-chan on YouTube.com, then no one else will!
[fires the main cannon]
Torres: Fuck, I missed! Kill that mute son of a bitch right now! Make their screen shake a lot! I will flood the back of this submarine to give the gun the elevation it needs! One million lives! You should have just let me kept my anime, you fucking skunk!
[The Alicorn explodes behind Trigger]

Act 5: Kessler Syndrome

Max0r: You protect Osean Marines as they enter the base and capture it swiftly, bringing pizza— wait, what? Pizza?
Basilisk Team: All prisoners of war will be treated in accordance with international law. We've even brought pizza.^note When the soldiers that just slaughtered all your friends say they brought pizza

Max0r: Farbanti's a downright amazing level, but unfortunately, that means I don't get that much to talk about. It's just, like, a big fun sandbox where you kill everything and it's 20 minutes long, what more can I say? Just look how beautiful the level is—(Archange starts playing) wait, no, I hear Latin again. What is that?
Mihaly/womanSlayer69: Yeah I bet you bitches forgot about me and my epic theme music, but I'm back, I'm rebranded and I'm a new man. I'm no longer womanSlayer69 as I have had sex, just that she goes to a different school than I do. I am now simply racist instead of sexist.
Max0r: You fight the guys who arrive late to the most important battle of the war for no reason. So your commander, Wiseman, decides to bait Mihaly into a chase?
Wiseman: How is an incel supposed to have grandkids anyways?
Mihaly: Okay first of all, I am no longer an incel as I previously stated, my sex woman goes to a different school. And second of all, my son was adopted after I killed his parents for having sex, but that's behind me now. I'm a new man worthy of respect.
Max0r: All right, so Wiseman may be a bit fucking dead, but it's fine. It's not like the sky is falling or anythi— aw, fuck me.
Mihaly: I can't even access racist forums dot com. This sucks. I'm gonna leave. See ya.
Max0r: All right, so the game decided it was going to escalate things further than it already has. The entire world satellite array has been destroyed by an exponential cycle of debris caused by you shooting at their satellites like a fucking child. No one can tell what's going on, nothing makes sense, no communication gets through, no one listens to high command, and we're... I guess we're just gonna keep shooting at people. Let's just... We're gonna do that.

—Max0r breaking down the consequenses of Mission 15: The Siege of Farbanti

"Jeff Bezos and Jack Dorsey are gonna restrict my racism on the internet. You have to kill them. Please?"

—womanSlayer69's parting words

"You look up to the sky above, and you think that heaven might be up there, but you don't know for sure. You hope Torres is up there. He seems like a nice guy if he wasn't totally insane. You remember all the people that you've left behind on your journey: Champ, High Roller— yeah, never mind, actually, you don't remember any of them."

—Max0r

An Incorrect Summary of Ace Combat Zero

"Ace Combat Zero is a game which at first appears to be about planes and war, but then hits the player with giant lasers and thermonuclear retaliation. This game takes place in the Strangereal universe, in which the nation of Belka has had enough and invades its neighbors of Ustio, Osea, and Sapin, which is just Spain with two letters switched. You play as a mute mercenary in charge of his best friend, and your task is to liberate Ustio, stop the Belkans, and deliver an everlasting peace and prosperity^note THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN to the world."

—Max0r's introduction to Ace Combat Zero

Act 1: Directus

Max0r: You are a member of the Galm Team, which is a reference to Garm from Norse mythology,^note from norse myth all of g but Japanese.
Random clip: PrayStation!

Incorrect Man: They're only Belkans—nothing to get too nervous about.
NO
WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT

"You quickly get nervous about the enemy bombers, including the ones attempting to escape your wrath, and the mission is accomplished within two minu— wait, you can hit those?"

—Max0r after crashing into the wing of a downed bomber

"Try to make grain now, you stupid Dutch bastards. Can't even wear correct shoes. I'm totally serious though, you get points for destroying refugee tents. It's funny. Now laugh."

—Max0r shooting down a windmill and other civilian structures

"It is time to lay a path for the liberation of the Ustio capital of Erectus— I mean Dir— Directus."
[later]
"You will be liberating Erect— Directus from the guys who are in Directus."

—Base Commander

Gelb 1: Hey, you think I can haz cheezburger after that, ha, get it?
Gelb 1: Rawr XD, I am so random haha, but you can't be my friend on clubpenguin.com. It's only for goths like myself.
Gelb 1: The plane is too damn high, haha, get it? Cluck cluck, do you know the way? Ugandan Knuc—
Pixy: Cipher, what the fuck is this guy saying?
Gelb 1: They are memes! They are funny memes!
Pixy: What the fuck is a meme?
[Beat]
Gelb 1: Die!
Pixy: no u

Rainer "Gelb 2" Altman: Have you ever heard of Big Chungus? [beat] He's like a fat Bugs Bunny...
Sean McNamara: Shut the fuck up.

Act 2: Belka

"And that's it, the base is secure, and the Marines are showing— okay, that's a fuckin' laser."
"Did the Belkans conscript God?!"

—Max0r

PJ: Y'know, I've got a girlfriend back at base.
Max0r: And with that, PJ's death was guaranteed.

Schwarze 1: I want to dommy-mommy-milky-tomboy-doomer-zoomer-tradwife-boomer-tradcath-goth-g-die.
Max0r: ...Brrrrrrrrrrghhh!!! ^note actual noise I made

"Enemy jets scramble hopelessly to try to defend their friends and family, and you take them out. You hear the sounds of screaming and of air raid sirens, and just like every other target before, you take them out. You take them all out, burning everything until there is only silence. Is this worth it? How many points did you get?"

—Max0r on the bombing of Hoffnung, set to the Burgundian Lullaby

Act 3: Waldreich

"Wait, why am I hearing Spanish guitars?"

—Jeff Bezos after using the XB-0 to bomb the Valais Air Base

Act 4: Avalon

"Our Flat Earth community has members from all across the glo— wait a second."

—Gault 1

"Think about Hoffnung, Cipher! It's all because of borders and police officers telling me that I can't eat the drywall at Home Depot."
"Can you see any borders from up here? What has borders given us? Books?"

—Pixy

An Incorrect Review of Cyberpunk 2077

SEIZURE WARNING. This video has flashing lights.
Cyberpunk 2077 is the long awaited sequel to Fallout 2076 and as a product represents the entire economic output of the country of Poland. In this game you play as the Cyber Punk, Keanu Reeves' biggest fan who creates a Tulpa of Keanu Reeves that haunts him for the duration of the game. Now a team, the true and shadow Keanu strive to eke out a living in the dangerous yet rewarding Night City, offering the best in Californian living (showing pictures of homeless conditions). Together, you navigate the dark streets, glitzing high rises and mangled faces of this beautiful metropolis, seeking riches and glory as proud members of Hamas. Under the yoke of crushing poverty, systematic oppression and runaway monopolies, you stand as Night City's final bastion of defense agaisnt a shady underworld of business executives, mercenaries, ANCAPS^note when your private ambulance comes armed because you paid extra, and every single kind of ethnicity in existence. Daring to strike back, it's up to you and you alone, and you and Keanu Reeves to navigate the scary world yourself and get to the bottom of who the when is where on top of the six the near whenever and build this city on rock and roll. But to understand Cyberpunk 2077, you must understand the world of Night City.

—Max0r's introduction to Cyberpunk 2077

An Incorrect Summary of Devil May Cry 5 Part 1

Part 1

"Garry's Mod V is a fighting Hack and Slash game where you play as a single family of Nirvana backup singers and their detachable appendages, struggling to stop mankind's ultimate foes: Vergin and Urinate, who are peaceful environmentalists attempting to grow a tree in their yard. You play as our intrepid heroes: Dante Inferno, Nero Claudius and the Roman Numeral 5, as they attempt to run their small business amid the COVID-19 pandemic. Times are tough, but fortunately Nero is forklift certified. Along the way we will encounter testicular torture, skeletons, famous YouTuber Cr1TiKaL, the realization that you left the stove on downstairs and Dark Souls PvP. But with enough tenacity, strength, cunning and force of will, I will be able to tell you what happens in the game with remarkable accuracy. Because who would want to play Devil May Cry 5? That would be stupid. So sit, lie back, enjoy, see video, run, relax and enjoy: An Incorrect Summary of Noise Level Hype Five!"

—Max0r's introduction to Devil May Cry 5

Chapter 1: The Mushroom Kingdom

V: You must head on without me, Nero. My bird is crashing.
Nero: Your what?
Griffon: (makes glitchy noises as he fails to buffer)
V: Fucking Vista...

Chapter 2: Red Grave City

Max0r: As Nero makes his way to the church, he accidentally steps on one of those Amazon ordering buttons and buys an entire ambulance.
(an ambulance is thrown at Nero which rolls for several seconds before landing wheels up; Nero punches his way out of it none the worse for wear until Goliath jumps down and destroys it)
Goliath: BITE ZA DUSTO!
Nero: Man, I sure do hope you speak English!
Goliath: ????^note Eating you would do me no good. I must have every last drop—
Nero: Oh, he's British...
(Goliath swipes at him, destroying the roof of the building he's on)
Nero: Fucking dick.

"Unfortunately, this ambulance delivery man is 30 seconds over his bathroom break, forcing Nero to dispatch him for the good of the company. You may notice that the game is trying to teach me the alphabet over here, but I refuse to learn it! Devil May Cry's combat is not necessarily about surviving your enemies, but fucking owning them. And depending on how stylish you are, your letter rating will potentially go up to one of the higher letters; I don't know, I was a rebel in preschool. Nero conducts an epic battle with the monster, poking and prodding at him while he swings his titanic arms and breaks everything in sight. Eventually, the beast resorts to its ultimate attack: VORE; spitting Nero out into the streets and forming a vorenado to try and stop him. And just as it seems hopeless for our anime girl, Nero is able to find a Physgun, and slams the Amazon employee into the ground, killing him instantly."

—Max0r on Stylish Action and fighting Goliath

Goliath: ????^note (I must not be defeated...in a place like this.)
Nero: The fuck is he saying?
(Nero prepares to shoot Goliath until he's interrupted by Griffon's arrival)
V: "'Twas the moment that, after years of searching, had Twilight Sparkle finally realized: that friendship was indeed magic."
Nero: What the hell?
(V points his cane towards Goliath and summons Shadow)
V: Die, bitch.
Shadow: LASAGNA
(Shadow runs towards Goliath before turning himself into a spinning blade)
Shadow: LASAGNA
(Shadow attacks Goliath, who immediately explodes and dies)
V: Pardon my delay; I was catching up on some reading.
Nero: V, are you fucking disabled?
V: Yes, Nero, I do have a disability... (breathes in) My IQ is too high.
Nero: God dammit...

Nero proceeds through the city on a zipline, starting a cutscene three fucking seconds after starting the level. Now you know what bats look like (Pyrobats). He begins heading towards the big tree (Qliphoth), encountering enemies because this is a video game. Nero wanders into the sewers and then out of the sewers and then into the scissors ghost (Death Scissors). This game has the consistency of an Escher painting. Nero kills the Scissorman from Clock Tower and then systematically loosens every bookshelf. Feeling mischevious, Nero finds a phone and tells Nico that he's pregnant and that she needs to get there right away. He goes into a religious building for the second time to find out that God has given him the snake girl waifu (Artemis) that he always prayed for. Isn't this what you always wanted? This boss fight is what I like to call "Touhou's Bizarre Adventure" since it involves dodging an assload of projectiles and fighting her own depth perception. He cuts into her succulent snake body to find a fully intact woman (Lady), but the game doesn't care about her, so neither will I.

—Max0r narrating Mission 03: Flying Hunter

Cavaliere Angelo: So anyway I saw a cringe doomer poster and thought to my trad self that I would show him he was being a soy wojak, and to add the correct amount of irony—
Malphas: WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING SAYING?! FIND THE STUPID DEVIL SWORD, YOU INTERNET-POISONED DUMBFUCK, BEFORE I GROW A BRAIN ANEURYSM!
(Malphas exits through a portal)
Cavaliere Angelo: Damn, she was about to miss my 60-minute presentation on the Warhammer 40K lore... (notices V) Hellooooo!
V: What was that about a Devil Sword?
Cavaliere Angelo: Nothing, it's not important. (draws sword) Anyways, do you use Reddit?

V is now forced to battle the Arch-Redditor, and to do this, he will need to use the skills he's already used. Such as flying, dodging, and watching. This fight is one of the best in the game as V is forced to remain mobile, balancing the damage of his minions while overcoming the caffeinated super ranting of the Redditoid. Those are real words I guess. Through mastery of V's delegation skills, our hero puts up a legendary battle and after an immense and prolonged struggle, he moves in for the kill and finally slays his horse. We killed his horse. Then he just walks away. V sprained his ankle or something.

—Max0r narrating V fighting Cavaliere Angelo, aka the Arch-Redditor

Chapter 3: The Sears Saga

V: You can't travel through here in a car.
(flashback to the time Nico's van burst from underground)

Max0r: Little Caesars Pizza finds a phone and, as a joke, tells Nico that the McRib is back.
(Nico's van bursts through the wall, proving V was wrong)
Nico: (in-game audio) You, in a twist? Well, Hell just froze over.
V: You can't travel through here in a car.
Max0r: Now with our presence in the level completely invalidated, we exit the Sears, into the city and towards the stage to meet up with Kylo Car Denier, only to be interrupted by a musical number.

Proto Angelo: Oompa Loompa dippity dife, I will end your fucking life.
Scudo Angelo: Oompa Loompa dippity dunk, this game's better than Cyberpunk.
Nero: V, this is fucking hilarious. Where did you find these guys?
V: I have rigged the entire stage to roll around like Hot Wheels.
Nero: Huh?
WHEN YOU RIG THE ENTIRE STAGE TO ROLL AROUND LIKE HOT WHEELS

Max0r: Our heroes are now forced to fight the Oompa Loompas in one of the most crazy, chaotic and fun boss battles in the entire game. Just listen to that music, dude. It's better than getting a Youtube collaboration with virtual Youtuber Tsunomaki Watame PLEASE

Nero: V, why did you rig the stage to roll around?
V: It was to save time, Nero.
Nero: What do you mean, "save time?"
V: We don't have time for questions.
Nero: Why not?
V: A Redditor told me there's a sword in that house, Nero, I have to get the sword!
(Nico's van comes barreling down the hill. She swerves to stop the van just inches from Nero's face)
Nero: ...Yeah.

Chapter 4: Qliphoth

Nero: Urizen, I've finally come to stop your reign of terror, and rescue Dante.
Urizen/"Kyle" My name is Kyle! Why do you keep coming here!?
Nero: Your taunting doesn't work on me, Urinemia.
Urizen: Get the fuck out!

(Urizen slaps Nero aside before finally getting up from his throne)
Urizen: You're not even a demon. You're just a stupid guy, making me get out of my goddamn Fox News chair. You hate me because I'm beautiful. But if you got rid of that yee-yee ass haircut, you may get some bitches on your dick. Or maybe better yet, V will finally call your dog ass when he's done fucking with that cat or whatever, Nero!
Max0r: It's time for the real battle against Urizen to begin, unleashing all the caffeine he's accumulated. This fight is tough, requiring all the skills you've mastered throughout your playthrough, except this is Mission 8 out of 20. Needless to say, this fight is slightly psychotic.
(Nero is beaten and thrown to the ground before tentacles grab him)
Urizen: Okay, seriously, you have to get out of the house now. You have to leave the house and not come back.
(Urizen's tentacles are severed by Sin Devil Trigger Dante)
Urizen: Who are you who dares interfere?

Chapter 5: Morshu's Shop

(Like 3 weeks earlier or something. Dante gets a call at the office)
Dante: Devil May Cry.
Morshu: Lamp oil, rope, bombs. You want it—
(Dante immediately hangs up the phone)
Dante: I think it's spreading. (suddenly Morshu is right next to him) Oh fuck! (Dante gets out a shotgun and plasters Morshu's brains to the walls just as V comes in) Hey there, make yourself at home!
V: My name is V, and there's a giant demon about to resurrect that I know about for reasons, and I need your help to stop it.
Dante: I have heard that exact fucking sentence--
V: Stop talking like that!
Dante: (ignores V) I have heard that exact fucking sentence four goddamn times now for like 20 years. Were you born yesterday?
(close-up of V's face)
V: So, you'll kill the demon?
Dante: That sounds good. And also I think you're really handsome, and your tattoos look amazing, and your—
(fade to the present, where V is talking to himself)
V: —voice isn't stupid. And also you're tall and have had sex at least once.

Conclusion

(After battling the Nobodies and severing a branch of Qliphoth, V finds Dante's bloody body)
V: What the hell? (the next scene cuts to V at Dante's body. Griffin tries to speak, but is glitchy as usual) Please shut up for one second. We have two options available to us. (V drops his cane) Either we let Urizen liquify Nero and turn him into a small slushy, or I risk shish-kabobing Dante, (V is struggling to even drag Sparda) which isn't that much of a choice now that I think about it. Let's say it's a risk I'm willing to take!
(Dante opens his eyes to see V poised to impale him)

—V's Moral Dilemma and the end of Part 1

An Incorrect Summary of Devil May Cry 5 Part 2

Part 2

"Last time on El Donte's Bizarre Star: our heroes find themselves in great danger as Nero faces down Bowser from the Smash Brothers for control of his Koopa Hotels; V challenges Starbucks and beats white women with his menagerie of failed computers and LASAGNA; and Dante, after destroying a Philips CD-i, is woken from his two-week nap. Now reunited with his Reddit Sword, El Diablo vows to stop Bowser and his sidekick, the Garry's Man, from growing a really big tree. And for all of my illiterate viewers, this is the second part of a two-part series on the videogame of Devil May Souls 5. If you haven't watched the first part you will be confused enough to qualify as a congressman. Thusly, I have nailed the link to the first part on the church doors below. Do not tell the Pope."

—Max0r's introduction to Part 2

Chapter 1: El Exterminador De Demonios

Max0r: Continuing our story: Dante has been awoken, and is immediately harassed.
Griffon: (harasses Dante)
Dante: (grabs Griffon) Ok, you. First of all: fuck off. (tosses Griffon away before turning towards V) Second of all, you Astolfo-looking asshole: Pizza al Dante does not wait for a little paisano such as yourself.
V: What are you fucking saying—
Dante: In the world of words, you either get with the flow or you take a second slow. Think about that one for a sec, Five.
V: What the fuck? (trips and falls on the floor)
Dante: Jesus Christ, you got some untreated scoliosis or some shit? Work on it, fucking skin disorder-looking ass.

Cavaliere Angelo/Arch-Redditor: Hey, bitch! Catch!
(throws a motorcycle at Dante, who cuts it in half)
Cavaliere Angelo/Arch-Redditor: I'm going to depict you as a soy wojak, Dante...
Dante: What the fuck is he saying?
Cavaliere Angelo/Arch-Redditor: ...and then next week, I will be ratioing with my soy wojak. And though you may block me, I have several dozen alternate...
Dante: Have you considered taking a shower?
Cavaliere Angelo/Arch-Redditor: (draws his sword) Bitch, give me your sword!
Dante: (draws the Sparda) Oh, don't worry, I can do that!
Cavaliere Angelo/Arch-Redditor: COPE, SEETHE, COPE! COPE, SEETHE, COPING! COPING, SEETHE!

Max0r: Three weeks ago, Dante's brother Thanos Prime was attempting to survive the end of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. And to do so, he just happened to find a sword, which is in no way related to Nero's missing arm. The synthesis of man is his Chad self and his Virgin self; no man is complete without both. But in an effort to save himself, he SEVERED the two halves into their base states! And what emerged on the other side was Urizen and V!
(fade to the present, where V is recalling his birth to Trish)
V: ...which stands for "Virgin".
(Beat)
Trish: ...Oh.

V: I wonder what Dante's doing. (Dante is fighting demons with his new Devil Arm, Cavaliere) I hope he gets to Nero soon instead of fucking with a bike.
Max0r: Now it's time to fuck with a bike, which by the way makes Dante immune to being stunned. This new weapon works by being high risk high reward as Dante and everyone else in the room is forced to get fucked whenever the weapon is used.

—Max0r showing off the Cavaliere

Max0r: Because, in the Devil May Cry universe, the only way to gain power is attempted suicide. And so, through the power of emo, Dante becomes Hypebeast Dante, Possessor of the Drip. (Pillar Men theme starts playing) Then he flies- wh-why didn't he do that before?
(cut to Dante facing Urizen after saving Nero)
Dante: Urizen, I have flown in from offscreen to finally defeat you. By the way, who's that whiny bitch in the background?
Urizen/"Kyle": MY NAME IS FUCKING KYLE!
Dante: Nice try, but names can't have sex!

"You're fucking stupid, Dante! The TREE is already growing into a BIGGER tree! Soon I shall have NATIONAL PARK DESIGNATION and the government will no longer TAX ME! I am literally getting to the bottom of this, don't follow me."

—Urizen/Kyle, explaining his plan before teleporting away

Chapter 2: Qliphoth National Park

Max0r: So Five just teleports to the top of the tree somehow and is like...
V: Dante, we don't have time to spare. Urizen will soon—
Dante: Shut up, V. You're interrupting my Michael Jackson break. (Dante puts on Dr. Faust)
V: Your what?
Dante: I need this, V.
(Dante then proceeds to have a dance session)
Nero: Hey guys, it's me, Nero. (looks over to see Dante dancing like the King of Pop) What the fuck?
(Dante finishes his set to explosive pyro)

(V attempts to sneak on Malphas before Griffon's glitching gives away his position)
Malphas: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT NOISE?! IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE'S PLAYING MUMBLE RAP!
(V hides from Malphas, who turns at him)
Malphas: MY ENTIRE CHARACTER IS JUST WRITTEN TO BE ANGRY, SO I'LL KILL YOU— (gets shot by Nero) OW!
Nero: Haha, don't kill V, so sexy, nooo... Ok, seriously though, I'm not gay.
Malphas: WHY AM I SURROUNDED BY FUCKING GOBLINS?!

Dante: Holy shit! It's an average-sized pitbull!
King Cerberus: Leave at once! Only kings of the Underworld—
Dante: Sorry Mr. Worldwide, but I don't speak Spanish.

—Dante upon encountering King Cerberus

It's time to fight a literal nuclear blast! What the fu-?!
This is one of the best bosses in the entire game. I mean it this time. In addition to hitbox pornography, this boss can transform itself and the arena to three unique styles: Lightning Mode^note lighting mode allows him to unlock the innate pitbull ability to throw cinderblocks; Fire Mode^note fire mud activates his baby-chewing instincts; and Ice Mode^note eyes mode is what happens when he's forced to travel to an Alaskan Walmart.^note (This really happened) But just before the fight grows desperate, Che Guevara activates his Super Saiyan mode and finally slays the preschool eater.

Max0r elaborates on the mechanics of King Cerberus

Chapter 3: Tax Evasion

Dante: (jumping down the hole to the lowest level of Qliphoth) Time to jump into your mom's cooch haha look how funny I am I'm so funny!
Urizen: You are too late, Donatello. I have finally constructed the Tax Evasion Apple. AND, once consumed, THE PAPERWORK will be sent within 14 business days by my mediocre secretary.
Dante: What do you even need this money for, huh Vergil? It doesn't make any sense!
Urizen: You would not understand. THOUSANDS of dollars are STOLEN from me to build ROADS and ORPHANAGES! How else can decent men gatekeep Build-A-Bear Workshop?! Though we are brothers, Dante, you call me by the wrong name. My TRUE name now is JEFF BEZOS!
Dante: NO!
(Urizen consumes the apple before Dante can stop him)
Urizen/Jeff Bezos: It's fucking delicious, Dante! I can already feel the B U R D E N OF TAXES FALLING OFF OF MY BODY! It's time, Dante, to finally END THIS!

The battle for America's revenue has begun, and Jeff isn't taking any fucking prisoners. Leading with his MMA bullshit^note atheists attempting to explain to me that MMA is not a global conspiracy, Jeff kicks Dante down and moves in aggressively, but within minutes begins to draw on the power of mandatory overtime, sacrificing the blood of his workers to cast some mystical bullshit. And after hours of Dante's breakdancing^note me when the government tries to convince me to stop breakdancing in climactic battles, Jeff activates his Beast Mode and begins doing sick backflips, firing fucking lasers, and just walking really menacingly. However, with the help of his sick moves, Dante can put a hat on him, (Dante throws Dr. Faust onto Urizen/Jeff Bezos) which instantly kills him. Trust me.

—Max0r battling Urizen/Jeff Bezos

V: What are you touching, Nero?
Nero: Nothing.
Dante: Oh good, you found a doctor.
Nero: (seeing Urizen/Jeff Bezos's beaten body) Dante, what the fuck is that?
Dante: That's my brother.
Nero: Your fucking what?
Dante: Yeah, he was trying to get away from taxes. I dunno, I stopped him. What's V doing?
(the two spot V hobbling towards Urizen)
Dante: Get back, V, I'm about to Al Capone this bitch!
V: Fuck off, fed! I'm about to die! Have you heard of the Make-A-Wish Foundation?
(V climbs onto Urizen's body)
V: Now, I know, Jeff... I know that it's hard letting poor people into Build-A-Bear Workshop. Especially if they're Italian...
Nero: Is V racist?
V: But let me introduce you to a concept that I'm a big fan of; I'm sure you'll love every second of it. It's very popular on the Internet, and it's called VORE!
Dante: Wait a fucking second... Nero's underage, you can't do that!
Urizen/Jeff Bezos: Add me on Discord...
(V stabs Urizen and the two merge back into Vergil as Bury the Light starts playing)

Chapter 4: V E R G I L

Nero: Does he always play that song?
Dante: Yes.
Vergil: Oh sorry, gentlemen, I've left my theme song running. (Vergil bends over to turn his music off) There we go.
(Dante charges at him, only to get batted aside)
Nero: Yo, that was sick.
(The two brothers get into a Blade Lock)
Vergil: Ho ho, hey there brother Dante. I would totally fight you right now, but I would decimate you so hard that I would win and you would die, so, uh, later. I, uh, gotta go to the top of the tree. Goodbye.

Vergil: Oh, and Nero... Tell your mom that I'm not fucking paying.
(Vergil cuts a portal to the top of the Qliphoth and leaves)
Nero: Did he just mention my mom?
Dante: No.
Nero: What did he mean by that, Dante? What was he supposed to pay to my mother?
Dante: Nothing.
Nero: Why won't you answer me, Dante?
Dante: Look, I have to save Build-A-Bear!
Nero: And why can't I help you, huh?! Why can't I help—
Dante: HE'S YOUR FATHER!
(Beat)
Nero: (Nero's face becomes blurry as the PS2 startup sound plays loudly) ...What?!
Dante: Have fun, Nero.
(Beat)
Dante: ...Fucking dick.

So after two minutes and fourteen seconds of cutscenes in this video (yes, I timed it)^note the timing only applies to all of the cutscenes you had to sit through in order to witness more gameplay, so from the urizen fight up until now. for more information, dial the police Dante does his Offscreen Teleport to the top of the tree, racing to the end to fight his brother in a final battle. Yet standing in his way (for some reason) is the Bowser Squad, and they decide to fight, for... some reason that I don't understand. The battle begins as Dante juggles every angry lore enthusiast typing up a comment right now, and their rage is reflected as this is one of the hardest bosses in the entire game. Dante is forced to dodge the lightning of Windows Vista, the aggression of LASAGNA, and sometimes remember that Bowser exists. Now I know that there's proof of God's existence, because Satan is clearly real. And although Dante May Cry, and doesn't want to narrate this boss fight, he can stop writing the script and go for a walk into the EtErNaL dArKnEsS. And when he returns, the boss is just dead. Trust me.

—Max0r doesn't want to narrate the fight against V's former familiars

(a dying Griffin glitches out one last time)
Dante: Have you tried turning it off and back on again? I am a technical genius. (he teleports to Vergil's throne room) Hey, Vergil! Do you really have to bring the plastic chair?
Vergil: Yes, I do need to keep the plastic chair, Dante. It comforts me.
Dante: Well, you're gonna have to fucking sell it to pay for the child support, Vergil!
Vergil: Oh, is that the case?
Dante: Yes! You cut off the arm of your own son!
Vergil: And I'd do it again!
Dante: You're gonna pay, Vergil!
Vergil: Let me be clear, Dante: I WILL NEVER PAY!

Chapter 5: I WILL NEVER PAY

Dante: You're a deadbeat!
Vergil: And you're a fed!
Dante: Tax evasion is a crime, Vergil!
Vergil: IT'S AN OBLIGATION!

Federal Government: Hello, you've reached the federal government. You're currently located in Florida, where our laws don't apply. Please solve whatever problem you have with large rocks.
Nero: Hey, listen. There's this IRS guy named "Dante Devil", can you get me his contact info?
Federal Government: There is no IRS employee by that name. Thank you for call-
(Nero hangs the phone)
Nero: That motherfu-

(Dante and Vergil's battle is stopped by Devil Trigger Nero)
Dante: Oh fuck.
Vergil: Oh...
(the two brothers are flung across the battlefield as Nero reverts to human form)
Nero: You two will never agree, and I know that. But I can't let you kill each other, because you two are two sides of the same coin. You're blood.
Dante: Stay out of—
Nero: (he smacks Dante away with a wing) Bitch, I'm talking! Think of all the money you could make if you looked past your differences and robbed people together.
Vergil: Heh heh heh... I think you make a good point, Nero.
Nero: And it starts with you paying for my child support, Vergil.
(Beat as the music stops)
Nero: ...Vergil?

It's finally time for the battle to conclude the game about Vergil hiring Vergil's brother and Vergil's son to defeat Vergil so Vergil could become Vergil (featuring Vergil). And to win this battle, Nero steals the aux cord from Vergil and plays this sick beat. Fortunately for Nero, he can employ the Machiavellian counter-stabbing method. And using his new Twink Form (Devil Trigger), he's finally able to fight back. Then I list thing he does to kill Vergil comedically and Vergil dies LMAO.

—Max0r shows off Nero's Devil Trigger and sums up the plot of the game at the final battle of the game

Vergil: Do you accept payment in chairs?
Nero: Maybe, but we're running out of time. Your national park has begun expanding the state of Florida, and soon it'll consume Walt Disney World!
(the Qliphoth starts trembling)
Nero: Kinda like that!
Vergil: You're right. We have to stop Florida.
Dante: Agreed, brother. Let's get going.
Vergil: As long as I keep my taxes...
Nero: Wait a minute, what are you gonna do?
Vergil: We have no choice but to cut off Florida from the rest of the country with a comically large saw. It's the only way to protect humanity.
Nero: But if you do that, you'll be trapped in Florida forever!
Dante: Why do you think Vergil's going? There's no income tax.
Nero: But there has to be another way!
(both Dante and Vergil backhand Nero away)
Dante: Fuck off. Next time I see you again, Nero, you better not be such a pussy bitch. Later! (he jumps off the Qliphoth) I always wanted to go to Disney World.
Vergil: Oh and, Nero, here's the child support. (he throws away his My Little Pony book) It should cover all of the costs.
Nero: Wait, costs?
Vergil: It'll sell for a lot.
(Vergil jumps off the Qliphoth next. Nero runs over to pick up the MLP book)
Nero: What the fu--?

Outro

(Nero and Nico are driving through a cleaned up Red Grave City)
Nero: Well, everything's back to normal. Though I still don't understand the book thing.
Nico: I think your dad scammed you.
(the phone rings and Nero picks it up)
Nero: Hello?
Federal Government: Hello, this is the federal government speaking. We've found some unusual activity with your account, so we'll be claiming your child support as taxes.
Nero: What?! That's my child support! Tell Obama there's no way I'm paying for that!
Federal Government: Oh! You won't be paying, you say? That's okay. We have our ways.
(Nero hangs the phone before stepping out of the van to fight more demons as Devil Trigger starts playing)
Nero: You know what? I've been thinking for a while: Vergil might've had a point!

An Incorrect Summary of Elden Ring Part 1

Part 1 | The Moon & The Stars

Max0r: Hey guys, welcome to my Minecraft Let's Play.

Elden Ring, or as I like^note YO IT'S RA RADAGON OF THE LEAN to call it, Boomer Band, is a fun new Hack and Slash and bash and CRASH MY CAR, developed by Epic Games dűrector Hide Your Tacos Miyazaki with the express purpose of inflicting pain upon the gaijin. In this^note LET'S GO FOR A WALK IN CAELID adventure, you play as the famous video games protagonist Elden John as he undergoes many trials and tribulations on his quest to fight the entire Catholic Church and KILL GOD. This game is uh... a little difficult^note SKILL ISSUE. You could call it the Dark Souls of Skyrim. As such, many challenges await the player^note This footage isn't sped up. and most of it is the work of Satan, as is every game made by the Japanese. Spanning a^note EASTERN EUROPE gigantic world slightly larger than Africa, we will find many secrets^note London Bin Knife, uncover many attractions, and slay the entire cast of the Bible^note be afraid. I've always liked that book. My favourite part was the genocide.

—Max0r's intro to 'An Incorrect Summary of Elden Ring - Part 1'

Chapter 1: No Maidens?

Max0r: In Dark Souls, we sought after the Dark Soul, and in Bloodborne, we tried to escape Britain, but for Elden Ring, our objective is to get the hose. This is a game mechanic. You cannot level up until you get a girlboss.

Elden John: Hmmm, try finger, but hole?
Melina\Melatonin: Sup, bitch?
Elden John: What the fuck?
Melina: My name is Melatonin, and if I may inquire sir, I am in need of a quirked up white boy who can bust it down sexual style, so that I may make him goated with the sauce.
Elden John: Okay?
Melina: No cap. All we have to do is kill every Demigod on the planet.
Elden John: Every what?
Melina: I'm glad you asked. Long ago, this land was ruled by the great Queen Marinara who pissed off God so badly that he left... THE FUCKING UNIVERSE! Now her power, the Amazon gift card, is shattered, and her athletic scions are holding a contest to see who can die the least.
Elden John: So God comes back when I kill them?
Melina: No, but you get to keep the gift card.
Elden John: uhh
Melina: These are the faces of evil, who have all claimed a shard of the card! Some seek glory (Radahn), others redemption (Radagon), and one is just really attracted to his younger brother. (Mohg) (The words "THIS IS CANON" appear on screen)
Elden John: wait wtf
Melina: And after countless weekends at university, the Tarnished warriors are called upon to rise from their tilted towers and achieve one final victory royale! Jake Paul: Bastard of the Badlands! (Horah Loux) The Ever-Wet Skelly Sleeper! (Fia, the Deathbed Companion) The Crazy Caca Consumer! (the Loathsome Dung Eater) And least of all, you, Tarnished warrior.
Elden John: Is there, like an opt out?
Melina: Great! I'll send you to my dimension pocket!
Elden John: I see. (Elden John ends up in the Roundtable Hold, aka the Metaverse) Cool.

"...So that only leaves one more person: Fia, the Deathbed Companion. Unique among all women, including my mother, for offering to hug me. Of course, I do accept for gameplay reasons. But what I wasn't aware of was that this one action permanently debuffed my health, and I forgot to turn it off. For the entire game."

— Max0r visiting the last of his comprehensible "friends"

Elden John All right, fi(now loading)nally a cutscene.
Margit: Foul Tarnished.
John: Goddamn it.
Margit: In search of the Hoes...
MARGE THE FELL REFUND
Margit\Marge: ...Unfortunately, I hate women.
John: That sounds like a you problem, chief.
Margit: I am also homophobic. (Margit jumps down to confront Elden John) And you are looking pretty gay right now.

Hey guys, it's me, Max0r, and welcome to the first boss^note NO BITCHES?. Yeah he's a little bit, uh^note AMONG US... Margaret Thatcher^note damn that irish food was the bomb is a very strong, very agile and very interesting boss. Essentially his purpose is telling you to fuck off and come back later. Preferably when your bones are defragmented from the ass whooping. He combines delayed attacks, crazy combos (TOTSUGEKIIII), and eventually the hammer of God. Just like the real Margaret Thatcher when she hammered English oppression^note Originally, I wanted to use footage from the actual Troubles in this video, but unfortunately YouTube does not actually allow me to joke about that and afford enough food to feed my family of 12 into the once peaceful streets of Derry. So I think I'm, uh, I'm gonna, uh, I'm gonna take the hint and leave. Fortunately for us, Young Sheldon Ring is a game with all kinds of activities to prepare and unwind. You know, like killing the fucking dragon (Flying Dragon Agheel), which for some reason is fucking easier. Just not too much easier. (OW OOF HOT)

—Max0r's first round against Margit the Fell Omen/Marge the Fell Refund

Chapter 2: The Exploration Arc

Max0r: For the next leg of our journey, the now-disgraced loserbaby resigns himself to living in the woods; that way he can exist peacefully among the giant bears^note When I don't prevent forest fires and, uh, whatever that is...^note Blaidd Gaming
Blaidd/The Pitbull of the Woods: Greetings, Traveller. I am the Pitbull of the Woods.
Elden John: Uh...

Blaidd: Have you seen any orphanages nearby?
Elden John: why are you asking me that
Blaidd: No reason. (on-screen text switches to the Oblivion font) Legend has it that at the edge of these woods, there is a well containing the tastiest children!
Elden John: okay
Blaidd: Go there Traveller, and I will kill the infant of your choice.
Max0r: Okay, this might seem bad, but I know a good deal when I see one. Unfortunately, I am blind.

Max0r: You know, it seems like we're going a little bit off the beaten path with this one, but I'm pretty confident. After all, how bad can it possibly be-
CAELID
Max0r: What the fuck is THAT?! Oh no... OH GOD!!
DON'T GO TO CAELID
(Beat)
Max0r: ...Let's go back to the castle. This time I... I think I'll walk. All the way back to Margit.

Hey guys, it's Max0r here, welcome back to the Let's Play. And on this episode, Margit is still hard, and a bit distrustful. One might say, suspicious. We need to eject him. Margit, more like Marge Simpson^note The Simps. Even with better gear^note same gear this is a fight that demands, among other things, awareness and patience. Emphasis on the patience^note YOU DIED. But most importantly, this fight requires experience: experience gained through fighting zoo animals, dragons and even Canadians, to squeeze out the narrowest of victories. Just, uh, watch out for the hammer.
GREAT ENEMY FELLED
Really glad we could beat "the first boss", uh, 9 minutes into the video.^note I spent 20 days editing to get to this point

— Max0r's rematch with Margaret Thatcher

Chapter 3: Garfielf Castle

Godrick the Garfield/Grafted: I'm sorry, Odie, but I couldn't stop myself. After all, it was a Monday. And I hate Mondays.
Elden John: Pizza delivery for, uh, Garfield.
Godrick: It's called lasagna. Pizza Hut ought to work on serving giant castles.
John: I work for Domino's.
Godrick: Then it sounds like you could use a bit of a hand. You know, with making the pizzas.
John: Uhh...
Godrick: I command you to LAUGH! Do you know what I've gone through to make that joke?
GODRICK THE GARFIELD
"It's time to kick Odie off the table."

— Godrick receives his lasagna delivery before the boss fight

"In this battle against Godrick the Minecrafted, we put our patience to the ultimate test as grandpa pilots his fucking mass gravangelion straight into the housing market. Much like his titular cat, Godrick is a fucking gremlin who attained his abilities by entering Frederick Fast Bear's Mega Pissplex in the year of our Luigi 1987, and then sewed the children there into his wacky animatronic suit. They call him William Grafton. But besides that, his coordination is subpar, since he has to migrate a mosh pit to attack you, and it's quite excessive. Godrick holds all of his attacks until the heat death of the universe, which means you have to pay attention to his arm. Carefully. And that's pretty difficult when he's shaped like a four-dimensional object. I'm finding it, um, uh, pretty hard to keep track of him. He seems to... morph around when I—. So we fight him, slowly and with attrition, like the Viet Cong, dodging, slicing, and dying, until eventually reaching the uh... the uh... (dumbfoundedly watches Godrick chopping his arm off) Oh. Oh God. I guess he didn't need a hand."
(Beat, with laughter and random montage)
"So to overcome the taxes on his 401k, Godrick decides to order a Bad Dragon to release his inner Todd Howard's The Skyrim." (DO NOT GOOGLE "BAD DRAGON" shows up on the screen)

Godrick: FINALLY, I HAVE THE POWER TO COOK ALL THE LASAGNA I WANT!

"Welcome to Phase 2, bitch."
(Chorus of Smell of the Game plays as John and Godrick duke it out)
Godrick: YOU'RE GOING INTO ORBIT, YOU STUPID MUTT.
YOU GARFED
Godrick: I WANT SOME LASAGA!
DEMIGOD SLAIN
"This is the best game ever made."

—Max0r detailing the battle against Godrick the Grafted

Chapter 4: Harry Potter and the Audacity of This Bitch

Sir Gideon Ofnir: Hey, hey people.
Elden John: Oh, god...
Gideon Ofnir: It is I, the Lore Man™.
Elden John: Ok, do you know where the bathroom is?
Gideon Ofnir: My IQ is the highest among all Reddit.
Elden John: That's not saying much.
Gideon Ofnir: Did you know Rennala of the Full Moon resides in-
Elden John: Ok, you know what, never mind.

Welcome everyone to Ligma of the Lakes, the largest swamp that Miyazaki was allowed to build.^note i demand more blood Thirty thousand men have already died. And on today's episode, we will be heading to the second "demigod" on my list of political dissidents: Rennala of the Red Lobster, Queen of Caria, for at least the next ten minutes resides in the magical academy of Malaysia Lucario, and to get there we need to get across a biological minefield known informally as the Crustacean Nation. It is here that we face our greatest challenge: the fucking shrimp. I'm starting to think PETA has a... has a point.

—Max0r getting acquainted with the fauna of Liurnia of the Lakes

So after heading through the ruins of my marriage and killing the white people (the Albinaurics), we make it to The Hog Wars, only to find that the way is blocked by a mysterious seal. And next to it lies a map, which leads straight to the key. Their security is dogshit. This puzzle should be pretty easy; all we have to do is get past the dragon that's waiting there (Glintstone Dragon Smarag)^note Dragon These Nuts Across Your Face. This game has a lot of dragons in it (OW OOF COLD), so I'm going to keep a count. Just know that it doesn't get easier^note I DID NOT SURVIVE.

—Max0r navigating Raya Lucaria's security system

Max0r: Now, I'm no interior designer, but why is the entrance to the school a graveyard? Is this America?
DEAD PEOPLE
NOW LAUGH

And after learning how to phase through oncoming traffic, we become sidetracked again as I am teleported straight to the...Turtle Pope (Miriel, Pastor of Vows), who wants to...sell me things. His existence isn't explained, and I don't want it to be. Only horror lurks behind that stare. Let's, uh... move on to something less disturbing.^note IT ONLY GETS more disturbing

—Max0r gets distracted during his trip through Malaysia Lucario

Elden John: I can't believe I went to college without ONCE seeing Ben Shapiro.
(Elden John ends up stepping on one of the Juvenile Scholars)
John: I said LESS disturbing.
(Elden John looks forward and sees there are more Juvenile Scholars in the room with him)
[children on the internet]
oh no
our table
Rennala: What is up guys, and welcome to Episode 391 of my Minecraft Let's Play.
John: This is a preschool, ma'am.
Rennala: Today we're gonna be messaging my underage fans on the internet.

—Elden John's first meeting with Rennala, Queen of the Full Moon

Oh... Oh boy. Welcome, one and allocaust, Two Thousand and Two Twos (2022). That's right, this is an American school after all, and in this battle, we're going to be teaching these kids the harsh realities of the hood. Now I know what you're going to say and it's not a police report.^note youtubers that I want to swat -max0r "Max0r, this fight looks kind of easy." Like taking candy from a baby if their candy was their still beating heart. This is accurate. In fact, all you have to do is find the correct one to turn inside-out, at which point Rennala lets you go to town.^note This is so sad. Alexa, attack women The reason for this is we aren't fighting a demigod. (an arrow points at Rennala saying "not a demigod") This is the demigod's (Radagon) ex-wife ^note I Can't Believe She Took The Fucking Kids who was dumped after she gave birth to thirty of herself.^note Mother I hunger To some extent, I can understand, but goddamn that child support. Kinda feel like I'm doing him a favor.

—Max0r visits a daycare in Phase 1 of Rennala's battle

Welcome to the real fight. It's still easy... for Dark Souls^note Opaque Animus, which means the challenge is getting anywhere close to her. This fight is essentially Dark Sus Gwyndolin if he/them were a good boss. Using a vast array of magic, other bosses and the power of Goku to socially distance your skull from your neck, but even still it's very manageable^note DAMAGE MANAGED, if you have any semblance of patience. My editing might tell you something about how I did. Seventy percent of this fight is waiting for my turn^note mom said it's my turn on the xbox; it's like I'm trying to stab Julius Caesar.
Rennala: Make sure you like, comment and subscribe...
God dammit.
Rennala: So we can take this video to the Moon!
So after sufficient damage is dealt, we find out that her second phase has a second phase, and it's other bosses. Including, of course, this bastard again^note DRAGON COUNT: 3, and the actual, straight-up pack of wolves. Just make sure you don't die^note SKILL CATASTROPHE, otherwise it's back to the daycare. Needless to say, this battle is a visual and gameplay feast, and by that I mean it does not end. Divorce may have hit hard^note Rennala took the the fucking kids, but it is hitting me harder. So lets do to her life what her husband did to their marriage.
"DEMIGOD" SLAIN
Oop, there goes the camera...

—Max0r fights pre-divorce Rennala

Chapter 5: You Are Going to Brazil

Max0r: I fucking hate this place. It's making me want to minimize the amount of air I breathe.
Gideon Ofnir/Lore Man: Greetings again, Tarnished!^note Vaatividya_IRL
Elden John: Yeah, ok...
Gideon Ofnir: What knowledge do you seek that brings you to my domain?
Elden John: Okay so I've been to Red Lobster once already, uhh where do I go next?
Gideon Ofnir: Caelid.
[Beat]
Elden John: what
Gideon Ofnir: You must continue your adventure in Caelid.^note Gary, Indiana
Elden John: Uhh...
Gideon Ofnir: Is that a problem?
Elden John: No! Not at all! Th-there's nothing wrong with Caeli-!
BRASIL

Hey, guys, Needs McTherapy here! Today we're gonna be playing in, uh... Tim Burton Land. (Welcome to Fucking Detroit) (Unwelcome School plays during the tour) Welcome to Caelid: it's basically made of German bedtime stories. Who can forget such legendary tales as Der Vogel, Der Backpfeifengesicht, and, most terrifying of all, Das Kindershredder? I'm sorry if you speak German, by the way; that's gotta be my least favorite disability^note Germans when the child doesn't have his testicles eviscerated. And on today's episode of Amnesia: The Dark Descent, we are invited to a festival^note IT'S FUCKING NOTHING! and slumber party where the sleep is permanent^note A MIMIR, all for a chance to face off against the third demigod on my Club Penguin friends list: Starscourge Radahn, Captain of the Hospice, resides in Redmane Castle, where every year he throws a party to see who can keep their limbs the longest. The price of admission is just, uh... getting anywhere near it. Because sometimes life is just a Bulgarian, and you are an unstolen car.

—Max0r taking a leisurely stroll through Caelid

Blaidd/Blade Wolf: Hello again Tarnished! How was your journey down THE WELL?
Elden John: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Blaidd: I'm just passionate about my cuisine! Speaking of which, did you ever find those children I talked about?
Max0r, in a flashback to the Rennala fight: Welcome one and allocaust, to Child Slaughterfest two thousand and two twos.
Elden John: No.
[Beat]
Blaidd: Shame.

Max0r: So in a stroke of obscene luck, we find a mostly sane person who tells us via YouTube Rewind that Radahn is not here... technically. You see, this castle is his euthanasia clinic and we are going to pull the plug.
(clip of Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots)
Big Boss: I'm sorry, Grandpa. I have to charge my Switch.
(he shuts Zero's life support off)
Max0r: His consciousness has been gone for several hundred years due to the demigod Malenia, who is the Blade of Miquella by the way, but that is a story for later. Essentially, his mind was eaten by the Scarlet Rot, but this man is literally too angry to die and we are attempt number 500 to kill him. So, uh, I'm liking these odds. I'm just built differently. Very Willed Smitherently. Let's go start the mercy killing and, uh, why is he so far away? (Radahn's arrow freezes just before it's about to hit) Are those summon signs?
RADAHN
SCOURGE OF THE STARS

The Festival

"Welcome, everyone, to the open-world RPG where I roleplay as the victim, and today we're doing one of the best fights in all the video games. Starscourge Radahn is a big, buff, absolute unit of a boss whose only instinct is recycling your flesh back into the ecosystem^note Mother nature demands blood. But you are not alone in this battle. There is no limit on how many people you can summon in this battle and if they die, then you can just do it again. I'm sure they won't mind. I have essentially converted the game into an RTS^note Real Time Systemic violence. Gotta fight Raidboss Radahn in World of Employee Harassment. Now you can fight him alone^note FORESKIN EVISCERATED as a real gamer, but why would you? This is a goddamn festival and I will not be having sex by myself. Before you can even reach him^note Squirrels when they try to eat my nuts (12 gauge slugs), Radahn is sniping your ass^note JOHN F. KENNEDY with the accuracy of my opinions on the internet and firing a frankly suspicious amount of arrows from God. If you want to exercise the privilege of fighting him, you have to earn it, and that is the easy part^note having an easy time. Even with summons, you need to pay attention to his moveset as his attacks swing wider than American elections and hit harder than a freight train on a semi^note AMERICAN TRAFFIC. Now you may have already noticed, but that is a comically small horse. It's like I'm looking at Shaqualle O'Nalle. This is because in addition to being built like a steel mill^note 2fort, Radahn has the power to defy gravity, which constantly gets him into fights with solar bodies^note "you fucking bitch". This man is skateboarding a horse and holding back the stars^note THE FUCKING STARS while killing everyone he comes into contact with. And he does it from the hospice. Radahn is an absolute god among chads and this fight's intensity lives up to that and then some. And that is just phase one. Phase two starts when he, um... uh... jumps. Into the upper atmosphere."
RADAHN
SLAYER OF STARS
(the rest of the battle is set to "Hikari.)"
DEMIGOD SLAIN
Jesus Christ he is a THICC ONE.

—Max0r detailing the battle against Starscourge Radahn

An Incorrect Summary of Elden Ring Part 2

Part 2 | The King & The Serpent

Max0r: Do not play this video in the dark, it is very scary.

"Ah... The Lands Between. So beautiful. So... tranquil. Until I showed up. Welcome back everyone, to Elden Ring. One of the games of all time. Featuring deep roleplay mechanics, riveting combat, Coolmath Games, Happy Wheels, and (probably) a story so convoluted that entire YouTube channels exist just to tell you about it. I do not know much about the lore, but I do know one thing: Malenia is definitely the Blade of Miquella. When we last left off, we had endured great pain and suffering in our quest to destroy the cast of Percy Jackson. But do not worry, the pain has only just begun. If you somehow haven't seen the first part, then uh- [eldritch screeching] ...that's fine. I have also seen JoJo. So, with the Elden Ring shattered and scattered among Marika's inbred dipshits, it's time to tear our way through enemies aplenty, attempt to find a girlfriend (almost impossible), and test the true strength of my hardware, because this will be our greatest challenge yet. And also the easiest challenge for the rest of the game."

— Max0r's intro to An Incorrect Summary of Elden Ring - Part 2

Chapter 1: The Minecraft Nether

Last time on Blatant Copyright Infringement^note I WILL STEAL MORE! Fair Use Edition^note If your company makes over 20 million dollars I will thieve from it you cannot stop me, we struggled^note Wow! This boss fight is very easy. Curious. to take Grandpa (Radahn) off his life support with violence, deliver Garfield (Godrick the Grafted) his precious lasagna,^note I eat Jon, it's what I do. and finally convince Joseph "Hussein" Biden to end it all with nuclear fire. (the stars falling after Radahn's battle mixed with the "tactical nuke" warning as a nuclear bomb goes off) I'm dead serious. Wow, that was, uh, fuckin crazy.^note i absolutely do not collect bird spines I better fast travel to the Third Impact Evangelion. We're moving at a real break-neck speed (clip from Freddy vs. Jason of Jason twisting a guy's head 180 degrees). You know, just when I was thinking this game can't possibly get any bigger, it gets significantly bigger. I'm not sure if the developers are okay, especially since they're trapped in the same room as... (picture of Hidetaka Miyazaki) that man. It turns out nuclear weapons are a great way to excavate the earth^note When you ask a gamer to stop using racial slurs and there are no longterm consequences^note This is great!, which means we've got an entirely new area to explore just hiding beneath our feet. And no, we're not going to visit the Blue Man Group again. I still have the nightmares.

—Max0r detailing the consequences of killing Starscourge Radahn

Elden John: Wait a minute, this is Michigan. I need to leave as soon as possible.
Ranni the Witch: Hello traveller.
John: Aah, it's a woman.
Ranni: I am possessed of four arms and that is what tickles thy fancy?
John: pringles can.
Ranni: Art thou of no more brain than stone?
John: Can you speak English?
Ranni: Can you throw yourself into a wood chipper? (Elden John falls to his knees as cancel culture strikes again). Listen, i have never seen a Caucasoid run that fast. They kept yelling "go white boi go."
John: Okay...
Ranni: I shall need thy help to run my errands.
John: May I ask why?
Ranni: No. (Ranni teleports out) I'm going through a tunnel right now. Your signal's breaking up.
John: (addressing the viewers) I apologize for that.

—Elden John's first meeting with Ranni the Witch

Max0r: ...But my favorite enemy in the entire level is in fact myself. Me. I am the boss of the level. Hey, what's up guys, Max0r here. We're out here going after Shadow Peter Pan. I'm forced to fight the only bitch that I trust. Gonna lay a fucking smackdown on Dark Link. This battle is a... unique concept, to say the least. It perfectly copies and uses your entire inventory. And yes, this does mean you can unequip your weapon and laugh at him for the whole fight. He literally cannot damage me in this state. Not that you would need it, because if there is anyone in the world who knows how to keep me down, it is myself. This bosses' weakness is naked anime women. But overall, it was a great experience taking revenge on the man who ruined my life.

—Max0r detailing his battle against the Mimic Tear

Gideon Ofnir: Hey hey, Tarnished.
Elden John: Yeah, hi.
Gideon Ofnir: I see you've come to me with LondonBinKnife.PNG (Fingerslayer Blade)
John: So you know what it is, then?
Gideon Ofnir: No. But if you desire a refund, I must redirect you to Ranni the Witch in her Carian Call Center. Only then can you rebate your purchase.
John: Oh, I've met Ranni before. She's, uh...interesting.
Gideon Ofnir: But, I must warn you, Tarnished. The TEMPTATION of the Blue Gash is strong beyond belief.
John: Uh...
Gideon Ofnir: I too, have felt the CALL of her PUPPET HANDS upon my TACKLE. Just imagine, Tarnished, what those four armpits must smell like-
John: I'm going to leave now.

—Elden John's conversation with Gideon Ofnir after meeting Ranni

RanniQuest

"Welcome, everyone, to horrors beyond comprehension. A land of the hands as it were. The fingy dinghy. Making my way here was a treacherous affair. I had to dodge the magical artiliery using my immense skill. This place is anything but safe. I would describe it like the Spongebob perfume department. You simply need to get through it, but you will lose a part of yourself. There are hands everywhere: in the ground, on the ceiling, and within my nightmares. They are 90% of the enemies and the remaining 10% kind of remind me of myself in a really strange way. (Yoshikage Kira's theme plays) My name is Yoshikage Kira. I'm 23-years old and making YouTube videos. As it turns out, the Queen of Caria going insane in Hogwarts had implications for the kingdom, and one of them kind of, uhh, kind of slaps. You know, like a hand. I, too, would kill myself if I was written by J. K. Rowling. I can't even search for pictures of normal knuckles on Google because I keep getting this fucking echidna. "Human Knuckles" just makes it worse. Now, uh, what the fuck was I talking about? (Elden John gets attacked by a Fingercreeper) Oh yeah. So after dealing with my Onii-chan and killing the only normal people for miles, the game just gives up and has us and has us fight a ghost instead."

—Max0r's adventures in Caria Manor

I've always wanted to kill a white woman. Also I'm available at this address.^note I just want to be friends This fight is an iteration of the previous Tree Sentinel boss^note WATCH PT.1 PLS, so it's a really good thing that I beat him.^note Ok imma fight tree sentinel. damn horse got hands You can say I have a lot of practice with the moveset.^note SPLEEN EXPLODED This time, however, we've got a copious amount of magic, even greater speed, and a horse ghost, which implies there's a horse hell. Horses don't belong in the battlefield, they belong in the McDonald's menu^note FUCK YOU GRIMACE. I can't even turn the bastard into glue anymore. This is just like George Orwell's Animal Farm. In summary, this boss is good, but nothing we haven't seen before or will see in five minutes. The magic earns her a really confortable spot in B-tier right next to herself, but that is a story for, um, part 19^note Melatonin's Wild Ride. So for now, I'm just gonna send her to a farm upstate.
(Elden John finishes off Royal Knight Loretta)
KETAMINE STOLEN
(for his reward, Elden John earns the Loretta's Greatbow spell)
By the way, I've played this game for 130 hours and I haven't slotted a spell.

—Max0r sends Royal Knight Loretta to the great glue factory in the sky

"Now, as a fullmetal consequence of my vehicular manslaughterino, we have finally unlocked Ranni's Rise, and my favorite part of the game: Ningyō Romansu Shimyurētā^note Puppet Romance Simulator. Honestly, I'm a big fan of the writing on this one; I just don't really care for the Blaidd arc where he eats the classroom. But to get to that, we have to fight the most dangerous and powerful boss of them all: the copy-paste key^note Glintstone Dragon Adula. If we can teach magic to fucking dragons and dogs, I don't even know why we try; the most powerful wizards can be found in a zoo. You know, at least he, uh... he, uh... (Adula "lands" on the air and vanishes) ...He's gone. He has chosen peace.

—Max0r's experience in Three Sisters

Max0r: I guess all that's left to do now is enter Toyota High School, so I can finally meet the love of my life.
Ranni the Witch: AH!
Elden John: AH!
Ranni: How the FUCK did you do that?
Elden John: dujg wh,;at
(Beat)
Ranni: Ohayo gozaimas!
Max0r: ...She says, her long hair swaying in the Among Us Morbius Among Us Sus
Ranni: So, uh, why are you here exactly?
"No particular reason"
Max0r: Oh God, the game actually prompts you. I really gotta think about this one.
Ranni: Tell you what, I'm also in the business of killing God. I want to restore the good old fashioned values upon which we used to rely.
Elden John: Is that a bad thing?
Ranni: For you. Now, are you going to join or not?
Elden John: (internally) Oh God, she doesn't know I'm a sub.
Ranni: Wonderful! Your first mission is to kill my brother, Satan. You can find him inside his VOLCANO.
Elden John: Are you trying to kill me?
Ranni: Don't come back until one of you is dead.

Chapter 2: Made In Heaven

Max0r: Welcome, everyone, to the Worm People Dimension, a region totally unique in how it decides to kill me. You see, the inhabitants have a special status effect called DEATH, and the effect of Death is that it kills you, rather painfully. And uh, there's quite a few of them. My favorite example is definitely Wormface, who is called that for...no reason.

Max0r: So for the next part of our journey, we make our way the Windmill Village, which is uh... uh... apparently a fun time. You know, I may be a fan of older women, but this is a bit much. These bitches really do be reenacting the plot of Midsommar in the local retirement centre^note BALLS ANNIHILATED. Honestly, this area is pretty dope as long as you don't make them angry. Don't worry, women are very easy to calm down.^note MY GIRLFRIEND DID NOT LIKE THAT JOKE So with our domestic situation now under control, we walk for three seconds until the boss just kind of approaches you. Just like DIO and his Stand.

Welcome back, everyone, to… the official IGN walkthrough. And today, we’re gonna be fighting Slender Man. Gotta collect those eight pages. His attacks are fast. Really fast. And his combos are… longer than my video schedule^note MY EYES KINDA HURT. If you ever think you're safe against this boss, think harder. This man goes harder than a police officer in the Black Sea. And to make things worse, we have a second phase, which made me scream audibly. Finally, the spaghetti code. I haven't really fought a boss that required an exorcist before, but thankfully^note I LOVE THE CATHOLIC CHURCH, the priest was better at the game than me, so uh…
ENEMY FELLED
That's not the last time we're gonna see him, although I wish it was^note FORESKIN RELOCATED.

Max on fighting a Godskin Apostle

Listerine, Royal Capital

WELCOME TO
Fucking Sears
Welcome, everyone, to Listerine, Royal Capital. A land that pleases the eyes^note me when I see the boobers and destroys my ears. The sound of the smurf jamboree is fucking inescapable. We're gonna hear it for the rest of the level in the form of my tinnitus^note tinnitus pride flag.
Look at this shit. Look how fucking big it is. And yes, we can visit all of that: the entire city. Do you see that dragon? We can climb it^note Todd: 16 times the detail.. These enemies? They can climb me when I'm six feet under. Enter the buildings, peruse the streets, find new enemies and die to them; we've got a bit of everything here in Portland, Oregon^note me and my friends on our way to jack the copper wiring. This game is Dark Souls 4, 5 and fucking 6. So I ask again: are the developers ok? Do they sleep?^note no.

—Max0r wanders the streets of Leyndell

The Omen King

Margit: Ah, if it isn't my old friend, the Tarnished who gets no bitches and stacks no paper.
MARGIT
"I lived, bitch."
Elden John: How are you alive, exactly?
Margit: How are you still single?
John: [dies of cringe]
Margit: Once I called the Demigods family, but that was before I became racist. Though your tenacity deserves praise, it is for naught. For I have never lost a debate.
John: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Morgott: Cancel culture strikes again.
MORGOTT
The Fell King

Oh god this fight is good. Like really fucking good. I just didn't sign up to play Sekiro today. That quirked up white boy do be busting it down sexual style and his secret is methamphetamine. This shit is fast. Very, very fast. Faster than a Genshin player's trajectory to prison. So fast that the hammer doesn't even wait for Phase 2. They call him Home Depot Doordash because he's delivering the tools straight to you. Also yes, I can make his weapon change color at will.^note RAVE COMMENCED It's like a speedrun for epileptics.^note Star Wars Fans when the Box for the Child Toy says "Stormtrooper" And not "Soldier Shitfuck #6383847S" But what makes this fight difficult is not just the speed, not just the mobility, and definitely not just the damage, although there is a lot of that, but just how many moves this man has, and all of them have different attack speeds, so have fun with that.^note When I finally find that stupid fucking ant This time around we've got daggers, hammers, spears, a lot of swords and a little bit of trolling. (Elden John is impaled on Morgott's sword) I remember when Dark Souls bosses when just an obese man. (the Asylum Demon at the start of the first game is shown) We were so young. But this does beg the question^note Seriously fucking why: why was Morgott just hanging out in front of Stormveil? Was he getting his groceries? Did he use a VPN? The only assumption I can make is that he just really hates you. And yeah, I can feel that. I also hate me. So to come out on top, we got to remain quick, raise the inside of our asshole, verify our online sources with correct documentation because this is the hardest boss so far and the easiest boss for the rest of the game. So whether we're delivering pizza or attempting deicide, Morgott will bring you the Home Depot experience whether you're ready or not and the answer is usually not.
(the rest of the battle against Morgott is set to Last Resort until Elden John finally defeats him)
DEMIGOD SLAIN
That fight was the fucking BOMB.

—Max0r dethroning Morgott, the Omen King

Chapter 3: Blasphemy Boulevard

Max0r: It was a hard fought battle, but now it is time for me to claim my rightful throne. (Elden John ends up jumping through the throne, breaking it) Fuck. I'm going to make God pay for this.^note Jesus when you ask him to stop giving 5-year old children terminal cancer/I need you guys to subscribe and ring the bell on the new testament All we need to do is go through the, um... (Elden John finds out the hard way the Erdtree is keeping all challengers out) Oh... This probably has an explanation, but something tells me I'm not gonna like it. Oh well, time to go. (Elden John teleports back to the Roundtable Hold and is greeted with incomprehensible gibberish by Brother Corhyn) My actual objective is worse than this. Much, much worse than this.
(Elden John confronts the Two Fingers, but they're standing straight up)
Elden John: So, uh...
Enia: (heavily distorted) MUST... CONSUME... CORN SYRUP...
John: Yeah, that's great. Look, I need help getting into the Glowstick Tree. Do you have any shears?
Enia: (heavily distorted) Huuaaahhh! (speaking normally) Oh, why didn't you say so?
John: No reason in particular.
Enia: Nah, don't worry about him. He's just doing stretches. [Beat] For the next five thousand years.
John: What?
Enia: Anyway, you need to burn the tree.
John: Excuse me?
Enia: You need to go to a giant mountain, burn someone to death. I want that shit to look like a road flare.
John: You are scaring me.
Enia: The pain is immense, and without limit.
John: How about I just go kill Satan instead?
Enia: You cannot run from me!

Lady Tanith: Hello, Tarnished, and welcome to the Red Manor.
Elden John: Feeling creative today, aren't we?
Tanith: I am the Virtual YouTuber of this mansion, Tanith. And this is Gug.
Gug: Gug.
Tanith: Gug is in pain.
John: Aren't we all?
Tanith: Anyway, can I interest you in joining the forces of Satan? We offer coupons.
John: For what, exactly?
Tanith: Mostly funerals. But sometimes Tesco!
John: Well you know what, I do want to attack God, and the mood lighting here is sick as fuck. Where do I sign?
Tanith: Ohhhh, you don't sign! You kill.
John: What?
Tanith: We crave innocent blood, traveller. And I expect a sufficient donation. After all, you are what you eat, and I am a child at heart.
John: I think I chose the wrong voice actor.
Tanith: Hail Satan!

Elden John: I think we might be the bad guys. Just kidding, I don't think. (he ends up teleporting into Malenia's room) Oh shit, wrong door. (he teleports back to Lady Tanith)
Tanith: Congratulations, Traveller. You have proven my finest simp.
John: My sins are unforgivable.
Tanith: You get to meet Satan now.
John: Oh, what's the occasion?
Tanith: Dinner.
[Beat]
John: Can I leave now?
Tanith: Have fun!
(Elden John gets teleported to the chamber of Eiglay, Serpent of the First Sin)
John: Uh... hi there, Satin. Did you... fall from Heaven? (Eiglay rears back) I don't think he liked that one.

Tartarus

"Yeah so turns out war crimes and orgies are sins. Don't ask."

— Max0r discussing how he ended up in Hell

"Hey, guys, and welcome to My 600 Lb. Death, and today we're going to be fighting the skinniest Reddit mod. This is not what I meant when I said I wanted Jiggle Physics. I think this boss may have had one too many, uh, communion wafers. How many of those do you have to eat before it's considered one entire Jesus? This is your body, broken for me. Now unlike the other foreskin brother, the absolute girth of this man might make you think we're in for a slower fight, but you are wrong. That would make the game easier. He is even faster than that, and that just makes me go from depressed to impressed. And just like last time, his second phase is absolute Body Horror. Genuinely just the scariest shit I've ever seen in my life. Please consult your doctor before engaging in any Nikocadomaxxing. I think, uh..." (Godskin Noble screams in vibrato as he rolls along the ground) "I think I'm gonna be here for a few more minutes. Finally, the bloated design! Body positivity? NO. I have body negativity. Also holy shit this goes hard. This is an absolutely inappropriate boss theme for the inside of a Wal-Mart. I think it's about time that we shave off some of that excess skin. Come on, do it. Give me your skin!" (Elden John kills the Godskin Noble) "If you're not comfortable in your own flesh, you should pull it off."

— Max0r on fighting the Godskin Noble/Foreskin Noble, Guardian of the Holy Prepuce

Lord of Blasphemy

"Alright, Satan, I've served you for too long. Now, prepare to feel my-" *only does Scratch Damage* "Oh, wait a second-" *gets chomped*

— Elden John starting his rematch with Eiglay, Serpent of the First Sin

"Welcome, everyone, to Doom Internalizing My Abuse, and today, we are going to be fighting the, uh...we're going to the uh, uh...we're going to Google how to kill him. Because it turns out the reptile exhibit is in need of some heavy ordinance, of which I'm an expert. The Serpent-Hunter is, and I quote, 'on some anime shit.' A Weapon of Mass Destruction specifically built to kill just snakes. You know, like a secretary bird. It's also, uh, three feet from the entrance. That's like giving chocolate out in the dog pound. God may give me His toughest battles, but so too do we get His largest gun. We just went from Storm Ruler to Storm Meterstick. This fight is the coolest shit I've ever seen. It is so satisfying to use this weapon, and the damage is absolutely biblical. My favorite part was when Cain beat his brother to death with a rock. The only drawback is that you are too strong and dodging him is a little easy because the snake will signal every attack by pogging. But if I had to choose a boss to be easy, this one is pretty fucking up there, and trust me, I know about fucking up. Just ask the war crime trials." I have something to admit, guys. I didn't really kill anyone in the war. I only kill people like you... tomorrow. But as for this boss, his difficulty does not get in the way of the fun, of which there is plenty. I think the best attack is the one where he slimes me at the Kids' Choice Award, plus I'm always down for animal abuse, especially after the animal abuses me. So with that out of the way, I think it's time we graduate this noodle from endangered to extinct. (SNEK DESTROYED the serpent's head falls down next to Elden John) Oh Jesus, aren't you dramatic?

— Max0r on fighting The God-Devouring Serpent/Eiglay, Serpent of the First Sin

(the God Devouring Serpent twitches before slithering back up)
Rykard/Satan: Demigod of Mt. Gelmir, No. 15. Praetor Rykard. THIS IS NOT THE REAL CHILLS. It appears that you are trying to cut off my pet snake. So in return, (Rykard pulls a demonic sword out from the serpent's mouth) I will now cut off yours. The last thing you want on your journey to Hell is to join the Serpent King as family. But as it turns out, that might be what you get.

—Rykard/Satan's introduction before the Rykard, Lord of Blasphemy fight

"Oh my fucking God! It's finally him! It's Satan! (Elden John performs the Wave emote) I'm Your Biggest Fan! (he gets smacked by Rykard's sword) oh, uh- *clears mcthroat* Welcome, everyone, to the second phase of life, also known as death, and today we're going to be fighting The Human Centipede along with everyone he's ever consumed. That's right! This entire time, we were participating in the world's most complicated buffet, not to mention I'm carrying the souls of four entire demigods, so I just delivered Rykard his fucking pizza. But if you want to get eating, first you have to get eaten by an immortal snake and live on him like a tumor. It's called "making a deal." Now as for the gameplay, it's uh, "a little intense." You know, (flaming skulls are launched at Elden John) kind of spooky, kind of makes me cry, because this boss on top of his normal moveset can use every snake attack just like Metal Gear Solid. (scene of the Boss breaking Naked Snake's elbow on the bridge) But that isn't even the dangerous part. That happens when he unleashes the 50 goddamn explosive skulls at the loudest possible volume and dips my screen into a vat of hot oil. I guess Hell was built on a missile system. I could not tell you what's happening on the screen. The best way I can describe this fight is that it gives brain damage just like playing Valorant, but in a good way, unlike playing Valorant. Even still, this battle isn't about that. It is all about the spectacle, the weaponry and of course the violence. It is a gimmick fight done correctly, even if it hurts my eyes a bit. But if this fight gets one thing right, it is definitely style. And while this battle may be long, you know like a [vine boom], like a [vine boom] like a cat, goddamn does it deliver.
(the battle against Rykard is done with Operation Pyrite as the theme)
DEMIGOD SLAIN
Man, you two are a match made in Hell.

—Max0r's long and arduous battle against Rykard, Lord of Blasphemy, aka Satan

Conclusion

Elden John: Hey, so I might have killed Satan.
Lady Tanith: You fucking what!?
John: Yeah, so, uh... (Tanith is gone from her chair) Where did she go?
Gug: Gug.
John: Oh... [Beat] She's eating what?
(the credits show Tanith trying to eat Rykard's remains)

—The aftermath of the Rykard/Satan battle

An Incorrect Summary of Elden Ring Part 3

Part 3 | Blood and Fire

Intro

(Awaken serves as the theme of the segment)
"Limgrave, Caelid, Liurnia, Altus, Leyndell, Gelmir, Farum Azula, Siofra, Limgrave, Ainsel, (Where Am I) Whatever this place is, Nokron, Limgrave, I give up. (Elden John is flossing before being slashed by a Godskin Apostle) These places and many more in the Lands Between were once ruled by the great Queen Marika. (Beat) Before the world's messiest divorce. Now Marika's treasure (the Great Runes), source of all her power, languishes in the hands of the Demigods, waiting to be claimed only by the strongest of champions. (Elden John is blasted by Rennala)^note YOU'RE BAD But that's kinda hard. This promise drove countless Tarnished to the Erdtree in pursuit of horrors more terrifying than they could dare to imagine. These journeys are the pursuit of that treasure. The great Elden Ring."

—Max0r's introduction to An Incorrect Summary of Elden Ring Part 3

The Mountain Menagerie

But because FromSoftware packaged their game with the ability to, um, to do this. (several created characters are shown having different skin colors and hair) He's so beautiful. We're going to be using this... amazing mechanic to talk to you about energy drinks. (Elden John is drinking a health flask)^note He's drinking our sponsor GamerSupps That's right, Ga(y)merSupps made the mistake of sponsoring me, and they said, "Yes. You can make Elden Ring builds based on our flavors." This is a decision I will make them regret. Alright, first on our list is, uh... Blo'hole Blast. She looks very sad today. I can think of a very appropriate weapon for this build honestly. Emotional Damage. Damages you with how he fucking looks.^note The Twitter Shipper Gets the slipper. Titty Milk^note JSchlatt's flavour. (the actual tub is shown) Why would you do this? Lots of strength on this guy. (Titty Milk has his Strength pumped to 99 while everything else is reduced to 10.) He was stung by a bee. Guacamole GamerFart 9000. Got a... got a big schozzer on this one. Gonna be doing an Arcane Poison build. (GGF 9000's build is swapped over to 99 Arcane). It really accentuates the flavor. My favorite one is definitely Code: Maxor (with a zero) for free shipping on GamerSupps samples. He gets to try energy drinks for free using the link in the description below.^note Use the link in the description for a free sample! There is no one holding my family hostage Or he can use the code for 10% off GamerSupps purchases if he is watching the video late. My man's got a lot of Stamina. (the current character has 91 Endurance).^note Me hyped up on 9 tubs of Guacamole Gamer Fart Piss Man.^note Andrew Tate be like (a yellow character is shown shooting fire out of his hand) Because all that water soluble Vitamin B12 has to go somewhere. My sink is so goddamn energized right now. (Piss Man gets killed) Fuch.

—Max0r does some Product Placement

Max0r: Uh, you know what? fuck this boss. I gotta- I gotta cool plan for this guy. It's time to put those wings to the goddamn test.
[Max0r kills the Death Rite Bird... with fall damage]
Max0r: [my actual laugh] I- I genuinely didn't know if that was possible. Bailiff, whack his balls.

Fire Giant

(The beginning of Wildfire plays in this section as Elden John rests at the Site of Grace at the First Church of Marika, aka the Designated Lore Checkpoint)
Melina: Hey there buddy, wanna hear the LORE about this church?
John: Uh- No- No thank you.
Melina: It all started with an ancient war between Dragons...
John: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
(Elden John continues riding through the Mountaintop of the Giants, past a Giant Dog. At one point he finds a Giant Dog and Giant Crow fighting each other)
John: I- they're doing 20 damage to each other.
Melina: That is why, Tarnished, you must ascend up the mountain and face the Fire Giant.
John: Wait a fucking second. (the Fire Giant's attack knocks Elden John off of Torrent) I wasn't listening to the exposition.

So, this is John Cena. I call him that because you CAN'T FUCKING SEE HIM. I think they may have made him... A LITTLE TOO BIG. We're gonna- we're gonna have to fight him on his own turf. Aw hell yeah dude, let's go figh- let's go fight the Fire Giant! This boss mostly attacks you with his, um... garbage lid! You know, so he can take the fucking trash out.^note DIE YUO GARBAGE BIRDE And that is a problem, because... well, he's not holding it with his fucking feet. So to beat this boss, I'm going to have to use my secret ability called POST-COGNITION, which allows me to interpret events that have already happened. Hmm, it appears that I should have dodged that. Fortunately, this boss has a weakness. It's called playing a mage build. Sh- Shadow Wizard Money Gang, we love casting spells. But for the rest of us, we have to attack his... really detailed feet.^note FOOT SKELETON JUMPSCARE This is what Miyazaki intended, y-you can't laugh at it.^note HMMM YES MA'AM, QUITE PUNGENT INDEED

—Max0r fights the Rave Giant

(the Fire Giant's left leg breaks in half)
Fire Giant: AAAAHHH!! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!
Elden John: I'm sorry man, I didn't know it'd do that.
Fire Giant: FINE, THEN. IF YOU WANT MY LEG SO MUCH, YOU CAN FUCKING HAVE IT!
(the Fire Giant rips off his own broken leg and lights it on fire)
John: That's not really what I meant.
(the Fire Giant's chest eye opens, signifying phase 2)

The Dragonlord

Max0r: Welcome, everyone, to ^note OH MY GOD HELP the most diabetic boss in the game. He's, uh, not really big on the whole... movement thing. So instead of killing you directly, Dragonlord Paarthurnax screams at God to kill you instead. What a coincidence! I also scream at God to kill me. This is like half of his attacks. And if you're wondering what the other half is, it's uh... it's piss. It's just piss. Come on man, I don't even look like a sink! This boss hit me so hard that, uh... he knocked all the bones out of my body! Don't worry^note I AM ATTEMPTING TO PISS IN THE MORNING, I managed to take care of his bones as well. It affe... it affects his ability to fire straight. This is the best shit I've ever done for a video.
(Placidusax readies an attack)
Max0r: Uh... I don't know if you can dodge this one-
(Attack goes off, covering the entire arena with lightning)
Max0r: Oh my fucking god^note OH MY HECKING SCIENCE that was so cool! Legalize nuclear bombs! Following a nine second engagement in my... skin relocation, the boss decides that actually NO. Just...just no. Wh- what? I call this move the, uh,^note Imagine Dragons - Bones the reaction bait. Thank you, Starscourge Radahn. It's really enjoyable when the boss fucking fights me from a DIFFERENT DIMENSION.
(Placidusax begins flying around the arena in a frozen pose)
Max0r: I-I don't think Placidusax is- is supposed to be doing this! He's- he's loading right now! He can even use the laser to teleport me... uh, straight into the grave. His aim is really, uh... [has a mental breakdown] His aim is really fucked up without his bones!
(Max0r dies and respawns at...)
Max0r: Wait a fucking second. We respawn back at The Bird Section when we die! That's great, that's awesome, 10 out of good.
LEGEND FELLED

The Black Blade

Beast Clergyman: Oh, fuck. There's a spider on my hand!
(stabs hand)
Beast Clergyman: (Evil Laugh as his robe burns away and he draws the Black Blade from his hand) If Destined Death is truly thy longing, then claim it.
(howls before planting his sword)
Maliketh: I'm going to fucking skin you alive.
MALIKETH
BLACK BLADE OF DEATH

Okay, so welcome to the evil shelter.^note EVIL MALIKETH BE LIKE: WHITE RUNE OF LIFE I call it that because the dog EUTHANIZES YOU. Malikope & Seethe, the Whack Ape of Meth, is quite the— QUITE the figh— definitely the fight. He is so fast, so aggressive, and so... airborne?? that he makes me wonder, uh... When do I get to play the game that I bought?? You are literally fighting Death right now, so if he kills you,^note FLAPJACKED you have to start a new character.^note KNUCKLES Look, I— I don't make the rules around here, okay?
I feel like most of this is just... trying to hit him. EVER. And the range of that sword means that he... isn't going to share that issue.^note DOGPILED For lack of a better word, Maliketh is... an absolute beast.^note I gave $500,000 to a coyote with rabies Because not only do his attacks drain your health,^note [has a heart attack] slowly and quickly, but they also reduce your natural lifespan.^note my healht is fuckign smallre^note ME WHEN I BECOME AWARE OF THE EXISTENCE OF GOD AND THE FUTILITY OF MY OWN Usually to a few seconds. He also, uh, lowers your height to -6.
Alright guys, so, I figured out the bone remover™ works in cutscenes :). I can't really tell if this makes the fight easier or harder. He's— he's having some— mobility issue— (gets swatted aside) Wh— where am I going?
This is not a battle of ATTRITION;^note (not nutrition) we are not going to be low on HEALING. But we are going to be low on HEALTH. Maliketh might be damaging, mobile, and especially... aggressive,^note DON'T WORRY BRO CUPCAKE DOESN'T BITE (PLEASE, please let me play the game now) but what he isn't is... able to survive THE BASS CANNON. We can't outspace Maliketh, and we certainly^note [has another heart attack] aren't going to outmanoeuver him,^note [screams of agony] but what we can do is outdance Maliketh. I'm very good at it. And with the right combination of    dodging, punishing and staying    uncomfortably close to the boss (u smell pretty good Maliketh :)), we just might be able to take this dog down.^note BARKED
At least, that's the theory. In practice it's... easier said than done.
MALIKETH THE METAL BLADE
DEATH SLAIN

—Marika's dog takes Max0r for a walk

World of Ash

Varre: Hey there, Tarnished.
Elden John: Oh god, take me back.
Varre: So. How's your love life been?
John: Well, I have a girlfriend now-
Varre: Puppets don't count.
(John nearly dies from no maidens)
Varre: Listen Tarnished, I pity you. A lot. So I'm letting you in on an,,,Opportunity.
John: Is it human trafficking?
Varre: (Camera zooms in on his face) ...yes. Deep below our feet, on the shores of the Blood Swamp...
John: The Blood What?!
Varre: There lies a kingdom, for the rejected, the poor, and especially, the incels...like you. Together, with the power of the Great Empyrean Miquella — which, I kidnapped :)
John: You, kidnapped a god?
Varre: I had free candy. We will overthrow the Order of the Erdtree, and replace it with an order of pure blood.
John: You know I set the tree on fire, right?
Varre: That's not relevant right now. Consider this a formal invitation to Hustler's University.
John: Uh, I...I'm gonna pass.
Varre: NO REFUNDS.
John: Wait, no, I didn't ASK FOR THIIII-
(John gets teleported to Mohgwyn Palace)

—Varre and Elden John's dialogue before the latter gets sent to fight Mohg.

The Lord of Blood

John: Uh... Are you guys, busy or something?
(Mohg rises from a pool of Miquella's blood)
Mohg: God dammit, I was doing something in the blood dimension, brother. I do not have TIME to pound your boipusse today.
John: Aha! You WERE busy! Also what the fuck?
Mohg: What's the matter, Tarnished? Don't you support young love?
John: I- you are siblings.
Mohg: And you are a little bitch. But I'm not fucking crying about it, now am I?
John: How do you even fuck that??
Mohg: (Sinister Mohg-type laughing) There's no need to worry, Tarnished. Because you're next.

Mohg
The Lord of Blood
Here we are fighting with, uh... Satan^note It's literally just Satan. They didn't even try to hide it. That makes, uh, two on our list of biblical ne'er-do-wells. I go through a lot to make these jokes, okay? I don't— I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. And today^note The officer when I use the unmatched Power of the Sun we're going to be fighting the... EVIL BOSS. I can tell he's evil^note Malenia I am having intercourse with your brother because of all the incest and the pedophilia^note Holy shit Mohg plays Blue Archive.
Mohg: Trēs!
TRĒS
Don't— don't pay attention to the ominous rings and the... scary musicc... It— it just means he likes you^note thank u for bath mohg :).
As the Lord of Blood, Mohg utilizes a variety of sanguine schemes, such as: the flash bang, the blunt force trauma, and the— the... shower. It's the ultimate weapon against a gamer^note Genshin Impact. But most importantly, Mohg's main attack is removing the blood... from your body. And then throwing it back at you^note Most peaceful London night out. Nice try, buddy. That's just full of microplastics. By the weigh, this boss is weak to bleed damage, because... why not.
Mohg: Duo!
DUO
Overall, Mohg is a simple fight.    In theory   . Which is great, because I have a simple mind^note NOo thoughts, Hhead emopty :). Every single attack is fair & telegraphed. Even it it's a little too telegraphed. And he certainly doesn't need^note Not This Shit Again Dude to jump across the arena seven times in a row. You can really tell I'm not MAD ABOUT IT.
Despite being punishing, Mohg is one of the best bosses in the entire game, although I think he could use a little bit more blood^note BLOOD DONATED. Really— really haven't seen enough of that. Just, uh, be careful what you wish for.
Mohg: Ūnus!
ŪNUS
Okay, what the fuck is he doing?
Mohg: Nihil!
What the fuck?!
Mohg: Nihil!
How do you even dodge this?!
Mohg: NIHIL!
Mohg
The Fell Prince
DEMIGOD SLAIN

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