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Baldur's Gate 3 "Review" | I Cast Bullet
This video is going to spoil... the entire game.
Baldurs Gate 3 is possibly the funniest game ever made, and I do not think it actually intends to be... because it's actually trying to be really gay. Taking place in a fantasy world where four adult friends are able to play on the same day, this game faithfully and hilariously recreates the D&D experience, all the way down to watching your friends... paint the entire ground of their camp with your combustible blood, which uh... turns out can act as the fuse for a bomb. And that is just the beginning of the absolute insanity that this game has to offer. Because in the world of Baldur's Gate, anything is possible, and everything is determined via dice roll. And yes, that does determine whether you're going to be transformed into cats 4 turns before the building explodes. I think this is the best game ever made, and I'm not even exaggerating.
Baldurs Gate 3 is possibly the funniest game ever made, and I do not think it actually intends to be... because it's actually trying to be really gay. Taking place in a fantasy world where four adult friends are able to play on the same day, this game faithfully and hilariously recreates the D&D experience, all the way down to watching your friends... paint the entire ground of their camp with your combustible blood, which uh... turns out can act as the fuse for a bomb. And that is just the beginning of the absolute insanity that this game has to offer. Because in the world of Baldur's Gate, anything is possible, and everything is determined via dice roll. And yes, that does determine whether you're going to be transformed into cats 4 turns before the building explodes. I think this is the best game ever made, and I'm not even exaggerating.
But before beginning our amazing adventuresnote , we have to choose our characters very carefully. We've got Astarion, the Dark Urge, Squid Game Huggy Wuggy, all the customization you can think of for my Human Male Fighter. But today, we're going to be playing as On Gyatt Rizz King, a they/them Wild Magic sorcerer with absolutely unnatural charisma (17 Charisma)note - charisma so powerful that I convinced a boss (Yurgir) to kill his minions, to kill his dog, to kill himself, then convinced him to join me against the forces of Satan (Raphael) 30 hours after I sent him to hell. Coincidentally, On Gyatt Rizz King is not a smart man (12 Intelligence). My playthrough was classified as morally ambiguous because I usually did the right thing very badly.
—Max0r describing one of his character's attributes and behaviors
Bloodborne Review | Defeat Gods | Doll Waifu Simulator
THE VIDEO HAS SPOILERS
Max0r: Bloodborne is a Lovecraftian horror RPG that no one understands by definition, where the player is free to attack hordes of human children at will and consume their innards. If that in-depth and engaging anti-baby gameplay appeals to you, keep listening, because it gets worse. In this game, you play as John Bloodborne, a foreigner incapable of speech without the use of sign language and stricken with Habsburg disease comes to the ancient city of London seeking treatment for the sins of his cousins. In doing so, he will begin hallucinating talking dolls, spider people, and the great—(eldritch screeching is heard)
Journeying further, John Bloodborne becomes conscripted into the service of a gay elder god and the sixty-year old man he keeps as a pet, and is given the ultimate task of killing an invisible infant in order to cure his anemia. In order to accomplish said Herculean task, the player must journey through dark forests, terrifying nightmares, and the meth ridden alleyways of a post-Brexit Britain, exploring, and tricking women into being impregnated by God so you can consume the Child. This game is an excellent realization of a Metroidvania with something new around every corner. A great action RPG which pits you against insurmountable odds and extreme challenges, and has a gripping story and lore about discovering the eldritch truth. So if you can, play it yourself, because I'm not going to hold back on the details. It's no secret that my reviews are entertainment first, so I don't suggest using me as genuine advice. (clip of Lulu Suzuhara)
Lulu: Gomen nasai.
Max0r: However, most people can't play this game, ever. Because you have to buy a $400 magical box sold by the wizard Sony in order to experience it, and even then, you get to see it in an amazing 30 frames per second with no anti-aliasing. (port this game to pc i beg of you) In fact, I can assume that a lot of people watching this video will basically never play the game. But keep watching because I am hilarious and original. Do that, and I can give you the full, unfiltered, uncensored, unsubstantiated and unsportsmanlike experience that is Bloodborne.
Max0r: Bloodborne is a Lovecraftian horror RPG that no one understands by definition, where the player is free to attack hordes of human children at will and consume their innards. If that in-depth and engaging anti-baby gameplay appeals to you, keep listening, because it gets worse. In this game, you play as John Bloodborne, a foreigner incapable of speech without the use of sign language and stricken with Habsburg disease comes to the ancient city of London seeking treatment for the sins of his cousins. In doing so, he will begin hallucinating talking dolls, spider people, and the great—(eldritch screeching is heard)
Journeying further, John Bloodborne becomes conscripted into the service of a gay elder god and the sixty-year old man he keeps as a pet, and is given the ultimate task of killing an invisible infant in order to cure his anemia. In order to accomplish said Herculean task, the player must journey through dark forests, terrifying nightmares, and the meth ridden alleyways of a post-Brexit Britain, exploring, and tricking women into being impregnated by God so you can consume the Child. This game is an excellent realization of a Metroidvania with something new around every corner. A great action RPG which pits you against insurmountable odds and extreme challenges, and has a gripping story and lore about discovering the eldritch truth. So if you can, play it yourself, because I'm not going to hold back on the details. It's no secret that my reviews are entertainment first, so I don't suggest using me as genuine advice. (clip of Lulu Suzuhara)
Lulu: Gomen nasai.
Max0r: However, most people can't play this game, ever. Because you have to buy a $400 magical box sold by the wizard Sony in order to experience it, and even then, you get to see it in an amazing 30 frames per second with no anti-aliasing. (port this game to pc i beg of you) In fact, I can assume that a lot of people watching this video will basically never play the game. But keep watching because I am hilarious and original. Do that, and I can give you the full, unfiltered, uncensored, unsubstantiated and unsportsmanlike experience that is Bloodborne.
—Max0r's introduction to Bloodborne
Part 1: The Basics
The gameplay is what makes this game great and the easiest way to describe it is simple but complicated. On a simple level, your baby brain is responsible is responsible for two tasks: dodging and hitting, and dodging in this game renders you temporarily invincible (for 1/3 of a second). Sounds easy, right? Wrong. Cause every single enemy is adjusted to keep pace with you. Basic enemies are basically able to whoop your ass into fucking nonexistence. Every encounter therefore is tense and engaging. When you kill someone, it's because you were faster and had more meth than they did. On a complicated level, you have a gun, and normally bullets hurt people, but in London, bullets are a suggestion like the Geneva Convention. Here, it's all about the knife bins, except when you shoot somebody mid-attack, you gain the mystical and arcane ability to plunge your fist into their ribcage like Mortal Kombat and pull out their heart, which is considered rude and a slight annoyance. (Gehrman's health is shown taking a sharp decline from the attack) This extends to behind them if you charge an attack, which sometimes causes you to reach up a pig's asshole and rip out his prostate like Fruit by the Foot. Side note:note the optimal route for farming currency in this game is called "Mergo's Pig Fisting Route." See, I changed the web page. And in this route you sneak up behind this guy and do him the dirty, then entice these two swinular bastards to be mauled to death by members of Organization XIII. Repeat 50 times.
—Max0r on the gameplay
Sixty years ago, twenty rowdy college students took their education extremely seriously because they found Woman Cthulhu. (She was just in a portable toilet downstairs.) Also, because they were bored, they beat to death a god of the sea with some bats, but that's a story for later. It turns out the entire world is ruled and created by a race of elder gods beyond human comprehension called "the Great Ones". Figuring this out, they got Cthulhu's blood and were like "We could make a religion out of this", because it turns out the blood can heal people, which is really good due to all the knife crime.
So everyone starts drinking it a little too much and they get the money to build thirty-six cathedrals, but it turns out eventually the blood turns you into a werewolf. So the church hires a guy named German (Gehrman) to go fight the beasts with an organization known as "the Hunters", but there's too many beasts so he gives up. Now the knife crime has increased even more, and German sort of goes insanenote and creates a life-size doll of one of his studentsnote , who is an eight foot tall Amazonian. (He also canonically has sex with it.) The Moon God, for some reason, kind of takes notice of this and is like "Alright, listen, I'm building a Suicide Squad. I will bring your waifu to life-u if you serve me for all time as my slave." Germannote reasonably thinks this is a great deal and is imprisoned in a dream.
This is where you come in. See, the Moon God assassinates baby gods for fun, but needs a hitman to go into the real world to do it, since he's confined to the Ninth Dimension. So in addition to fighting all manner of giant beasts and uncovering dark secrets, the true aim of this game is to commit infanticide.
So everyone starts drinking it a little too much and they get the money to build thirty-six cathedrals, but it turns out eventually the blood turns you into a werewolf. So the church hires a guy named German (Gehrman) to go fight the beasts with an organization known as "the Hunters", but there's too many beasts so he gives up. Now the knife crime has increased even more, and German sort of goes insanenote and creates a life-size doll of one of his studentsnote , who is an eight foot tall Amazonian. (He also canonically has sex with it.) The Moon God, for some reason, kind of takes notice of this and is like "Alright, listen, I'm building a Suicide Squad. I will bring your waifu to life-u if you serve me for all time as my slave." Germannote reasonably thinks this is a great deal and is imprisoned in a dream.
This is where you come in. See, the Moon God assassinates baby gods for fun, but needs a hitman to go into the real world to do it, since he's confined to the Ninth Dimension. So in addition to fighting all manner of giant beasts and uncovering dark secrets, the true aim of this game is to commit infanticide.
—Max0r's explanation of the lore.
Part 2: Prepare to Die
Yes, you have been japed. I am talking about bosses before I talk about the levels. In most video games, bosses cap off areas, but in Bloodborne, areas are a preamble to a dick flattening, and nothing will challenge your skill in quite the same way, except for the goddamned Witches of Hemwick, who were placed into the game for disability access. You can tell that Bloodborne is a hard game. We don't know if a games journalist can beat it. But it's hard in a fair way that tests your skills and reaction time, except for Laurence, but I'll get back to Laurence later. What sets this game's bosses apart is that the challenge makes it feel like you're a really small dude jabbing a toothpick into a building-sized deer demon (clip of Haruka Karibu). So yeah, I would be impressed if you killed that. But not only that, unlike Dark Souls, every single boss reacts meaningfully to how you attack them. Large beasts (Vicar Amelia) can have their bones cracked and their tendons and their tendons wound into a slinky. Bone boys (Darkbeast Paarl) can be knocked over and have their marrow sipped. And human enemies will wince and recoil when they see your height difference. As well, every boss punishes you for cowardice and actively discourages backpedaling with their forward momentum, causing every fight to be an elaborate dance with a back and forth, unless you're fighting Rom (the Vacuous Spider), who is the the Really Hungry Caterpillar if he had a legion of arachnid slaves who threw their heads underground like ostritches. We don't talk about him.
Part 3: The Old Hunters
"I want you to imagine Hell. Now imagine Hell written by H. P. Lovecraft. It would be filled with squids, immigrants, and air conditioning. This DLC has none of that, except the squids. For you see, those college kids from the lore section of the video were built fucking different. They experimented on an entire village and possibly beat up a god of the sea so fucking bad that her consciousness in the 9th dimension died. We spent an entire game killing an infant and these guys somehow killed the milf god (represented by the Gigachad bashing in Houshou Marine). But anyways, in the process of thisnote , it cursed them and all of the Huntersnote to be doomed to a hell upon death where they will hunt in a bloodthirsty rage without rest for all eternity, indistinguishable from a political subreddit."
—Max0r's introduction to the Old Hunters DLC.
Part 4: The Chalice Dungeons
"Now, normally that would be all, but the dungeons go deeper. What we have discussed so far is merely the surface, and there is a much darker syndicate lying just below. These places you must never venture, for they are the Save Edit Dungeons*! Whereby, through wizardry, the community are able to conjure up deep dark chasms and share them with the rest of the world. Of these secrets, there are only two that I shall reveal to you, and the first is the Cum Dungeon. Yes, you heard that correctly and clearly: THE Cummmfpk DUNGEON is the name of the most optimal farming route ever conceived by the fucking cricket people who do this shit, whereby the player enters the chasm of ?PlaceName? and watches as a high-level boss yeets itself off a cliff. Mergo's Pig Fisting Route can give you 10,000 echoes. This gives 83,000.
—Max0r on the customized Chalice Dungeons.
Control Review | Going Ghost™ | Gorilla Warfare
"Control is a game where the impossible is made plausible. Where the going gets ghost, and where 90% of all battles are fought using stone-based blunt force trauma. In this game you play as Traffic Control (Jesse Faden), who is given supernatural abilities by her Tulpa (Polaris) and the unnaturally Finnish "janitor" (Ahti) as she undergoes the most complex and deadly job application known to man. As the new director for the Not SCP Foundation, you're given the job of researching and containing supernatural kitchen appliances with minimal or no government oversight, and what appears to be Praetorian guard succession law. You assume this mantle to fight The Hiss, a red-tinted malevolent force of death, to stop them from breaching the Hazbin Hotel dimension. And much like any problem, this can be solved with a gun. But stronger than any gun is our protagonist's extreme knack for hurling rocks at literal breakneck velocity. And in the process of destroying her enemy, conducts more stoning than Saudi Arabia. Here at the federal government, our exorcisms are performed with extreme prejudice. Control is one of the best action shooters that I have played in years, and to explain why, we're going hog wild. So don't take this as legitimate consumer advice, because I am as qualified and intelligent as an EA executive. Instead, I ask you to join me in untangling the thrilling combat, the stellar visuals, the unusual plot, and a save system more malformed than Charles II."
— Max0r's intro to his Control review
"In a way, this game is only possible because of modern CPUs. If I showed this to my father 10 years ago, he would have a fucking brain aneurysm. In those dark times, we were confined by Skyrim's weakness to only render 10,000 cheese wheels at once. You'll probably need a good computer to render it, since every bullet spawns at least 50 clipboards upon impact. [NVIDIA] DLSS is also a miracle technology for when I don't want my computer to etch 1s and 0s on a stone tablet."
— Max0r
"Jesse has the personality of a fish. She could suck the rainbow out of a pride parade."
—Max0r summing up the game's protagonist in two sentences
Cruelty Squad is a Normal Game™
Cruelty Squad is a profound and enigmatic stealth shooter that's... very nice and respectable-looking. Really, uh... really digging the look of this Roblox obby. And out of deep respect for the source material, I will be editing a video that looks as beautiful as Cruelty Squad. Acid trip? No. This is going to be an acid adventure. Set in a twisted and dystopian society known as... capitalism, where landlordphobia is a thing of the past and the value of human life has plummeted so low... it's negative, we play as an esteemed Person of Wealth who is tasked with the assassination and suffering of anyone unlucky enough to be in the same room as me, but progresses to dark and sinister revelations that result in the death of five separate gods. ...including yourself? Listen, I know this game can be a little bit confounding and...difficult to interpret. The messaging is just... SO DEEP! But don't worry! I've played this game for hundreds of hours, and I still don't know what's happening here.
Max0r introduces us to the world of Cruely Squad
Max0r: So the game begins with our concerningly red protagonist experiencing wetnote when we receive a most unusual phone call.
Handler: Hey what's popping little incel, ever think about playing God?
Max0r: Uh, no?
Handler: Well I do, so listen up. We-[dies] we-we need to COOK. Look, I know things have been hard after your lobotomy, which, is why I feel comfortable giving you a GUN. So uh, welcome to the US Marine Corps. Just kidding of course. We shoot people for actual money.
Max0r: Oh sweet, how much?
Handler: [Laughs in rich] I didn't say YOUR money.note YOUR mission is to assassinate the Business World's finest in increasingly deranged bouncy castles and, uh... alternate dimensions. Just like, don't think about it too hard.note
Max0r: Okay, but I've got one question for you. Can I watch the static channel?
Handler: Yeah, I don't see why not.
Max0r: Aw fuck yeah.
Handler: Hey what's popping little incel, ever think about playing God?
Max0r: Uh, no?
Handler: Well I do, so listen up. We-[dies] we-we need to COOK. Look, I know things have been hard after your lobotomy, which, is why I feel comfortable giving you a GUN. So uh, welcome to the US Marine Corps. Just kidding of course. We shoot people for actual money.
Max0r: Oh sweet, how much?
Handler: [Laughs in rich] I didn't say YOUR money.note YOUR mission is to assassinate the Business World's finest in increasingly deranged bouncy castles and, uh... alternate dimensions. Just like, don't think about it too hard.note
Max0r: Okay, but I've got one question for you. Can I watch the static channel?
Handler: Yeah, I don't see why not.
Max0r: Aw fuck yeah.
—Max0r being given his assignment in the opening
Life Is Cruel E Piss Ode 1: I Am Normal
Taking the first step on our quest to literally eat the rich, we come upon the realization that, uh... this is what the game looks like, all the way down to the abnormally large picture frame that is present at all times. It also changes based on whether or not we have a soul *, so if you die too many times, you will be disconnected from the light of God, cursed to roam the earth as a mass of writhing flesh. Also, I can eat dead bodies now, so I guess they have good TASTE.
DOOM Eternal Review | Alpha Male Gaming | Amogus Edition
Samuel: I swear to god if you throw me into that portal I will fu-!
—Samuel Hayden being thrown into the portal by John Doom
Max0r: "Doom Eternal is a game with so much testosterone dripping from its orifices that it caused me to create a son via mitosis. In this adventure, you play as John Doom, a man stricken with irrationally severe autism who does not consider or think through his actions and effects on other people, and in his quest to save mankind kills God, God God, and Satan God God, who is also himself. If this in-depth and engaging hardcore male gameplay sounds appealing, then I got the game for you. This game is, of course, the sequel to the critically acclaimed Doom (2016) with a few key differences."
Samuel: "All right, then, buddy. I'm going to shit yourself."
Max0r: "Which meaningfully extends and builds off the gameplay and challenges that we love, then extends them some more off of a fucking cliff, until the product that emerges out the other side resembles crack concentrate. If you're watching this, I'm assuming you've probably played the game, since I don't want to help people buy things. I'm here to entertain people, and if you're clamoring for entertainment and haven't purchased this game yet, do yourself a favor. There's enough male hormones here to transition someone, and I can guarantee you results, my fellow sigma males. So whether you're a psychopath like me, or new to modern Doom games, come with me on this amazing journey through twitch gameplay, beautiful environments, nonsensically fucked up lore, and remixed Mongolian throat singing. For money is temporary, but Doom is Eternal."
Samuel: "All right, then, buddy. I'm going to shit yourself."
Max0r: "Which meaningfully extends and builds off the gameplay and challenges that we love, then extends them some more off of a fucking cliff, until the product that emerges out the other side resembles crack concentrate. If you're watching this, I'm assuming you've probably played the game, since I don't want to help people buy things. I'm here to entertain people, and if you're clamoring for entertainment and haven't purchased this game yet, do yourself a favor. There's enough male hormones here to transition someone, and I can guarantee you results, my fellow sigma males. So whether you're a psychopath like me, or new to modern Doom games, come with me on this amazing journey through twitch gameplay, beautiful environments, nonsensically fucked up lore, and remixed Mongolian throat singing. For money is temporary, but Doom is Eternal."
—Max0r's introduction to Doom Eternal
Part 1: Gameplay
I would say that Doom Eternal's gameplay is quite unique, and not for the reasons that you would think. Everything in Doom Eternal is funneled directly into a single robust multifaceted, multinational and unilateral combat system from which the entire game is built around. "But Max0r," I hear you thinking. "That's every game ever!" Yes! Every good game ever. If I, for instance, became twelve and booted up GTA5, I would be able to do at least a dozen unfun activities. Doom's fun is focused harder than the average Persona fan on his local playground, and that is special.note You will play the game in the way that is fun or you will lose. So as good as 2016 was, a Polygon journalist could beat the first half, and that's unacceptable (clips from the first game showing a player missing demons even when they're up close to them). Because yes, it's unfun to play games after having a lobotomy. In other games, I get to choose between things like stealth, vehicles, or outright combat. Yet Doom Eternal asks the question: why not force you to use every mechanic... all the time... without stopping? (clip of a developer interview for Watch Dogs: Legion)note In a world where AAA studios try to pander to everyone, it's refreshing to have a game that sets out to do one thing the best and actually have developers who give a shit about linear design and gameplay. And the main component of that gameplay is the arsenal, because John Doom uses every weapon throughout the game. The first shotgun is used in the last level, and the last level is used by the first shotgun.
"One Brazilian years ago, there was a guy named the Dad, who is effectively God who made moths in Lamp Heaven called the Makyrs. Every 10,000 years, every moth combines all their collective consciousness into one gigamoth called the Khan Makyr, who is the Moth Pope. So the moths rule the galaxy (sort of) until Earth happens and we start fucking everything up and the Moth Pope finds John Doom after a spree of murders and he explains to her that yes, Hell exists. It's weird that humans knew about Hell before God."
—Max0r's introduction to the lore
Valen: Doom Slayer, you need this knife to kill my son.
John Doom: Oh shit, what'd he do?
Valen: He's the GIANT UNCONTROLLABLE DEER TITAN.
John Doom: Oh shit, what'd he do?
Valen: He's the GIANT UNCONTROLLABLE DEER TITAN.
John Doom: Wow, you know it's so sad that Steve Jobs died of ligma.
Davoth: Who the hell is Steve Jobs?
John: Ligma balls. (he rips out Davoths throat) Gottem!
John Doom committed suicide shortly after the making of this film.
Davoth: Who the hell is Steve Jobs?
John: Ligma balls. (he rips out Davoths throat) Gottem!
John Doom committed suicide shortly after the making of this film.
Final Fantasy 15 "Review" | BTS Adventures™
There are spoilers in the video.
"Spinal Stagnancy XV is one of the most unintentionally funny games ever made, and I don't award that distinction lightly. It's, um, it's trying its best. In this game, you play as John Fantasy, an intrepid prince of Insomnia, accompanied by the BTS Crew as they travel across Korea in their bid to dodge the draft and re-establish the Joseon Dynasty
with Jungkook as their one true king. If you can think of it, XV has it. Do you want to conscript God to kill endangered animals, enter Super Saiyan mode to kill a sea snake, compress a mountain-sized turtle into a black hole and break the entire game's leveling system because of lasagna? Yeah, that's possible. Is it a good game? Well, uh, that's debatable. The original directornote wanted to make the game a musical, but you know thank god they added the HYPER REALISTIC PIZZA; It just wouldn't be the same. This game is one of the most baffling design disasters I've ever seen, and showing it to you in its full absurd glory is a service to my countrymen. With hurricane-force tonal shifts, batshit story, and utterly incomprehensible combat, there is no part of this game that didn't surprise me, although I don't think they intended that. So come along as we dive head first into the boy band madness, and recall the finest game of...2016."
"Spinal Stagnancy XV is one of the most unintentionally funny games ever made, and I don't award that distinction lightly. It's, um, it's trying its best. In this game, you play as John Fantasy, an intrepid prince of Insomnia, accompanied by the BTS Crew as they travel across Korea in their bid to dodge the draft and re-establish the Joseon Dynasty
with Jungkook as their one true king. If you can think of it, XV has it. Do you want to conscript God to kill endangered animals, enter Super Saiyan mode to kill a sea snake, compress a mountain-sized turtle into a black hole and break the entire game's leveling system because of lasagna? Yeah, that's possible. Is it a good game? Well, uh, that's debatable. The original directornote wanted to make the game a musical, but you know thank god they added the HYPER REALISTIC PIZZA; It just wouldn't be the same. This game is one of the most baffling design disasters I've ever seen, and showing it to you in its full absurd glory is a service to my countrymen. With hurricane-force tonal shifts, batshit story, and utterly incomprehensible combat, there is no part of this game that didn't surprise me, although I don't think they intended that. So come along as we dive head first into the boy band madness, and recall the finest game of...2016."—Max0r's introduction to Final Fantasy XV
Chapter 1: The Saga of Silly Names
Max0r: If you know any Latin, this game is fucking insulting. Our story begins with the King of Korea, whose name is King King Light Heaven (Regis Lucis Caelum) the 113th. I looked it up on the Wiki. Their dynasty is only 2000 years old, meaning for him to be there, every male king must have fucked at 17 maximum. He's busy disowning our son and our protagonist Night Light Heaven (Noctis Lucis Caelum) in hopes that he will get some blonde bitch pussy.
Regis: Noctis, my son. I-I uh, I have erectile dysfunction.
Max0r: It's here that we're introduced to our buddies, the BTS Boys and their unique mechanics. Quick Silver (Prompto Argentum) is a light Slovenian femboy who exclusively fights through small-arms fire. Fire Knowledge (Ignis Scienta) is a smart, calculating man who shanks you with rusty knives. And Sword Friendship (Gladiolus Amicitia) is a burly, reliable bear who hits people with giant chunks of metal. With our friends assembled and our car out of gas, it's time to begin the game in earnest.
. Their dynasty is only 2000 years old, meaning for him to be there, every male king must have fucked at 17 maximum. He's busy disowning our son and our protagonist Night Light Heaven (Noctis Lucis Caelum) in hopes that he will get some blonde bitch pussy.Regis: Noctis, my son. I-I uh, I have erectile dysfunction.
Max0r: It's here that we're introduced to our buddies, the BTS Boys and their unique mechanics. Quick Silver (Prompto Argentum) is a light Slovenian femboy who exclusively fights through small-arms fire. Fire Knowledge (Ignis Scienta) is a smart, calculating man who shanks you with rusty knives. And Sword Friendship (Gladiolus Amicitia) is a burly, reliable bear who hits people with giant chunks of metal. With our friends assembled and our car out of gas, it's time to begin the game in earnest.
—Max0r introducing the playable cast of the game
"Now it's surprising to me that they struggle to push their car since Noctis can deflect punches from a fucking giant. This sets in motion a sequence of quirky adventures to satiate the bloodlust of Park Jimin. It's time to talk about that combat, or better known as a 19th century safari. Take that, Cecil the lion. When it works, you're dashing between enemies performing mid-air backflips and teleporting around fast enough to burn my graphics card. For the other half, it's imbalanced as fuck. Let's go on a quest to explore a level 20 cave. In order to get there, you have to drive down the street, take the path, and fight the mandatory level 54 gigasnake (Midgardsormr). Endgame bosses are 53, I'm not 10 hours in. Fortunately you can run right past it and into the instant kill crabs (Shieldshears). I'm convinced they put this there by accident, there's no reasonable explanation. So how do we stop getting crabs like your dad?"
. When it works, you're dashing between enemies performing mid-air backflips and teleporting around fast enough to burn my graphics card. For the other half, it's imbalanced as fuck. Let's go on a quest to explore a level 20 cave. In order to get there, you have to drive down the street, take the path, and fight the mandatory level 54 gigasnake (Midgardsormr). Endgame bosses are 53, I'm not 10 hours in. Fortunately you can run right past it and into the instant kill crabs (Shieldshears). I'm convinced they put this there by accident, there's no reasonable explanation. So how do we stop getting crabs like your dad?"Max0r: So before our thrilling performance in um, fucking Dongducheon,
Noctis: I'm losing my mind.
Max0r: It's important we go over the rest of our Thrilling Korean Lore™...
Noctis: What the fuck?
Max0r: ...to answer such thrilling questions as why has our dad sent us to Nevada? Why is the cow big? Why won't the virtual youtuber Tsunomaki Watame collaborate with me?
Noctis: I'm losing my mind.
Max0r: It's important we go over the rest of our Thrilling Korean Lore™...
Noctis: What the fuck?
Max0r: ...to answer such thrilling questions as why has our dad sent us to Nevada? Why is the cow big? Why won't the virtual youtuber Tsunomaki Watame collaborate with me?
Chapter 2: Some Crimes Cannot Be Forgiven
There are six gods or some shit and they made humans for fun. Big mistake. These include: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson (Titan), The Wizard (Ramuh), The Snake (Leviathan), The Unsafe for YouTube (Shiva), Unlimited Blade Works (Bahamut), and the God of Breakdancing (Ifrit). The Tango Totem in particular was very helpful and told us how to turn on our stove. From this, the beautiful and powerful civilization of Solheim had risen to try and kill the gods immediately, presumably with enough nukes to make Belka look like clown college. This, of course, forces the Dancing Deity to strike them down, creating demons and alternative political philosophies. This pisses everyone off and begins the First Korean War, forcing the gods to give the kings of Lucis some cool swag and the K-Pop Crystal, forever dividing humanity and preventing the manifestation of White People Juche.
—Max0r describing the backstory
Max0r: "So after the defeat of the Samba Scourge, the gods took a napnote for like several thousand years, leaving the maintenance of earth to the kings of Lucis, apparently seeing no problem with this. So anyways, the Nifleheim Empire just takes over the entire planet using an army of Juche demon terminators. Their new goal is to kill all of the gods."
Verstael: What the fuck?
Max0r: "Again. Except this time while they're sleeping, and by the time our game begins the Kingdom of Lucis has retreated to one city. (Insomnia being called Busan, South Korea) I guess the gods' blessing is just shit. Now what do you think happens the literal instant that you leave the city for an Arranged Marriage with the Empire? (the Empire is shown air dropping soldiers into Insomnia) Do I hear skydiving? (Niflheim attacks and invades Insomnia) I mean I guess the plot has to happen sometime."
Verstael: What the fuck?
Max0r: "Again. Except this time while they're sleeping, and by the time our game begins the Kingdom of Lucis has retreated to one city. (Insomnia being called Busan, South Korea) I guess the gods' blessing is just shit. Now what do you think happens the literal instant that you leave the city for an Arranged Marriage with the Empire? (the Empire is shown air dropping soldiers into Insomnia) Do I hear skydiving? (Niflheim attacks and invades Insomnia) I mean I guess the plot has to happen sometime."
—Max0r detailing the Niflheim Empire taking over the world
Chapter 3: Noctis Goes Grave Robbing for 20 Hours
Max0r This emotional and life-changing moment affects our protagonist greatly. Everything he's ever known is destroyed and nothing will ever be the same again.
Prompto: Hey Noctis, you wanna go ride some boyds? (the party is now riding around on chocobos)
Noctis: Ho ho! It's almost enough to make you forget about your dead family!
Prompto: Hey Noctis, you wanna go ride some boyds? (the party is now riding around on chocobos)
Noctis: Ho ho! It's almost enough to make you forget about your dead family!
With our lives permanently destroyed, it's time for Noctis to begin the true trials of a king, the first step of which is to find the tombs of previous kings spread throughout the world and steal their shit so we can enter super saiyan mode. "Thanks, grandpa. Your ashes were delicious." (Venom Snake is shown rubbing the ashes of his fallen soldiers on his face) This is when the problems begin, and they don't end. Director Tetsuya Nomura was, to put it lightly, fuckin [sic] batshit. Again, he tried to make the game a musical because he watched Les Miserables once. There is no escaping the ghost of cut content. It has so many unique and amazing locations that you see one time. It's as if the game has too much money but the budget had to be prioritized by fucking Cleverbot. This took ten years and two engines (Luminous Engine and Crystal Tools) to make. When you play the main quest, it introduces some new characters in elaborate cutscenes and then kills them in a minute. You would think the open world would be some relief, but no. The car is on rails. They didn't even program driving. (Noctis is shown trying to crash the Regalia but the game immediately puts him back on the proper side of the road) What does that remind you of? (clip of Cyberpunk 2077's horrendous driving physics)
Max0r: Apparently because they didn't have enough money to waste, Square Enix put a Cup Noodles quest into the game. The characters actively rant about the deliciousness of Cup Noodles.
Gladio: They're easy to make whenever you've got a craving, and they're delicious to boot. If you take something already delicious like Cup Noodles and add in the finest, freshest ingredients, what do you get? The ultimate flavor experience.
—Max0r, regarding a particularly ridiculous sidequest
Chapter 6: How to Break the Entire Game
"So what you're gonna want to do is go back in time to Venice and endure the five minutes of gondola riding. (tranquil music plays) You cannot skip it. We do this to head to the cannibal restaurant and dine on some PHOTOREALISTIC LASAGNA. This step is non-negotiable. Next what you're gonna want to do is time travel further in the past to Nevada. Watch out for this guy, he might try to steal the Platinum Chip- Go and initiate the quest where you're supposed to fight the huge fucking Blastoise for two hours. You can try to summon God, but he is powerless against the Big Turtle. Congratulations, you've unleashed unstoppable death into this world, and now it's up to you to destroy it! This is the Ring of the Lucio. You get it after visiting the two-hour-long ball twisting dungeon and can be used to compress enemies out of existence. For no discernable reason, it works on the turtle, instantaneously killing him via compression into a stellar object. That is a lot of XP.
Now, XP is applied only when you sleep, and can be enhanced by sleeping in a hotel, which is multiplied by three if you eat lasagna. It's time to travel Back to the Future into an alternate fucking timeline where we've gone Garfield, and by editing the past in Nevada, we have altered the future. Congratulations! You now have the XP equivalent of THREE giant turtles! The game is over! Why even play anymore?!"
—''Max0r explains his method of overcoming the endgame difficulty spike
Genshin Impact Review | My Money is Gone | Waifu Simulator 老婆
"Genshin Impact is a game which has sucked away my soul and killed my dog.note I first began playing Genshin Impact because of all the cute women, then experienced apotheosis and philosphical enlightenment through the death of my own ego. I love Genshin Impact, but this game will have an impact on your social life, and even after you stop playing it, you will not recover. To this day, it has left me in a perpetual state of sophisticated malding, and I recommend it for all the wrong reasons.
In this game, you play as John Impact (Lumine), an extradimensional being whose brother (Aether) was eaten by Mega Bloks and is forced to navigate Avatar: The Last Airbender for weeaboos. Powered by its simple chemistry system in which characters electrocute, burn, and throw rocks at each other. One of those is much less cool, but it, like Australopithecus, was my primary source of damage. Now trapped in the land of gacha hell, our protagonist must find a way to save her sibling by fighting geometry, the indigenous habitants of Twitter, space midgets, and the Ice KGB.
As well, we are here to explore, solve puzzles, play... Prop Hunt, cook, get arrested for looking at Xiangling too much, get sentenced to ten years, and emerge a devout Buddhist. This video's gonna be about my experience playing this interesting game and how to objectively have the most fun with it. It's a very bad sign when most people who play the game don't recommend it, but I do. Although, I am slightly a dingus, so I don't recommend you take my opinion as fact, but as entertainment. So whether you're new to this strange, otherworldly Chinese software or a Genshin pro, please allow me to tell you the tale of how this left a Genshin Impact into my frontal lobe."
In this game, you play as John Impact (Lumine), an extradimensional being whose brother (Aether) was eaten by Mega Bloks and is forced to navigate Avatar: The Last Airbender for weeaboos. Powered by its simple chemistry system in which characters electrocute, burn, and throw rocks at each other. One of those is much less cool, but it, like Australopithecus, was my primary source of damage. Now trapped in the land of gacha hell, our protagonist must find a way to save her sibling by fighting geometry, the indigenous habitants of Twitter, space midgets, and the Ice KGB.
As well, we are here to explore, solve puzzles, play... Prop Hunt, cook, get arrested for looking at Xiangling too much, get sentenced to ten years, and emerge a devout Buddhist. This video's gonna be about my experience playing this interesting game and how to objectively have the most fun with it. It's a very bad sign when most people who play the game don't recommend it, but I do. Although, I am slightly a dingus, so I don't recommend you take my opinion as fact, but as entertainment. So whether you're new to this strange, otherworldly Chinese software or a Genshin pro, please allow me to tell you the tale of how this left a Genshin Impact into my frontal lobe."
—Max0r's introduction to Genshin Impact
Part 1: Maximally Important
"Here's a fun tip that most Genshin players don't know: The age of consent is 18 years old."
—Max0r
Max0r: Let's begin with what's maximally important. Not the gameplay, not the story, nor anything you would typically associate with a video game. The single most important thing in this game is rolling dice to gain attractive people, and then parading them around like a child on TLC. I do not exaggerate when I say this is what attracted most people to this game. If you want an example, Lisa is a character who continuously refers to herself as "onee-sama",* and sounds like she is, at all times, on the verge of sex.
Lisa: [gets shot by a Hilichurl] Iyaa〜!
Max0r: I received her after completing a quest, and then decided I would use Lisa exclusively to do rock climbing. That way, I can repeatedly hear her oddly enthusiastic moaning for the next ten hours of gameplay.
Lisa: [gets shot by a Hilichurl] Iyaa〜!
Max0r: I received her after completing a quest, and then decided I would use Lisa exclusively to do rock climbing. That way, I can repeatedly hear her oddly enthusiastic moaning for the next ten hours of gameplay.
"I literally installed this game after downloading 60 images of Ganyu, since the official lore of the game specifies that she killed a monster after being eaten by it, because her ass was so big, it blocked his trachea and suffocated him to death."
—Max0r
"It is simply not worth it for me to engage in combat if I cannot also yank it. [...] Playing the game optimally, in this case, would mean making the game boring and staring at man ass, so... fuck it."
—Max0r explaining why there are no males in his party
"And like every game made by Asian people on my channel, the lore is some Hyperborean bullshit."
—Max0r
Part 3: Combat
"Your typical team is comprised of your DPS baby, your heal support, your birth support, and moral support."
—Max0r
Max0r: That is, of course, unless you're playing Barbara, whose healing scales only off of health, making her tankier than Tian—
[is attacked by Xi Jinping]
[is attacked by Xi Jinping]
"Remember, the game is free, and... so is the porn."
—Max0r's parting statement
Genshin Impact Is A Playable Anime
Max0r: This video is uh- a cry for help.
Max0r: Genshin Impact is a playable anime. And that's pretty good, since my videos are attempts to make watchable anime. I can't believe it, guys! They made a sequel to Stockholm Syndrome! Welcome the world of Teyvat.note You may have heard of it from all the... free advertising that I'm doing. A "beautiful", "post" apocalyptic nightmare world featuring a giant tree. [gameplay of Elden Ring is shown] Uh- sorry, that's the wrong game. On our journey throughout the seven nations, we will meet the world's most colourful cast of children, entrusted and empowered by the gods to wield elemental energy as dangerously as possible. I'm just a... big fan of the characters in this game, there is no reason in particular! Assemble your team of heroic psychopaths and begin blasting, boating, cooking your enemies alive, visiting Baby's First Casino, and with enough time, it will be Baby's Last Casino. But most importantly, have fun, because the game will try to stop you. I can assure you that the visual novels are exactly what Daweinote intended. So, join me as I navigate one of the most beautiful, fantastical, and expensive game worlds ever made. One agonizing country at a time. This is it guys, this is what 900 million dollars can buy you. Are you having fun yet? Look, all I'm trying to say is uh- this is a weird episode of Eva.
—Max0r's introduction to the video
Part 1: Mondstadt
I think a good place to start is with our team, the Feulgonosaria. Fischl. Every crew got that schizophrenic, personality disorder, mentally and physically deranged wife material. I'm, uh, serious about that. There's a quest where you enter her mind and you fight her Tulpa. End User License Agreement (Eula). Literally the only physical DPS. Possibly racist. Has the biggest slappy in Teyvat. Sangoni— Sang... Kock (Sangonomia Kokomi). And Rosaria, who is dressed promiscuously, so we need to cover her up in appropriate garments. God I wish nuns were real. With our team assembled, we're now able to do nothing, because I haven't explained the game.
—Max0r describing his Mondstadt team
Genshin Impact is a based character RPG where each character wields one of the seven elements, all of them interacting completely nonsensically. Water buffs fire (Vaporize), ice freezes water (Frozen), plants buff electricity (Catalyze), fucking gas leak (Overloaded). Dendro requires nine tabs of Khan Academy. My team is based on not playing the game as much as possible. There is genuinely no cooldown to Freeze. By the way, what I'm showing you now is considered tame. (clip of more elemental combinations in the five digit range) The game is supposed to look sub-mentally deranged.
—Max0r explaining the elements of the game
Part 2: Liyue
So, for Liyue, we’re going to learn that we’ve been playing the game wrong. But before I can get to that, I need to explain my team. I call it the Hot Shower By Force. Lord knows we need it. Xingqi- Xingq- Xi- Xi Jinping (Xingqiu). Yes, this is a man. I know it’s hard to tell. He is also ridiculously broken on account of his ability to make enemies wet. Interpret that information however you want. Hu Tao is the owner of a funeral parlor, and she could use a bit of new business. She is also the winner of the Most Terrifying Simps Award. Like, the thread just doesn’t end! He’s still writing them?! Most reasonable Hu Tao main. Yelan is a character that I play for the… personality. She is also one of the most overpowered units in the game because she is a second Xingqiu. I don’t even care that she’s a federal psyop. I can fix her. And Thoma, who is fucking spelled wrong. Just uh- just- just don’t build Thoma. With our team assembled, we are now able to trivialize the combat, because this team is ridiculous.
Most reasonable Hu Tao main. Yelan is a character that I play for the… personality. She is also one of the most overpowered units in the game because she is a second Xingqiu. I don’t even care that she’s a federal psyop. I can fix her. And Thoma, who is fucking spelled wrong. Just uh- just- just don’t build Thoma. With our team assembled, we are now able to trivialize the combat, because this team is ridiculous.—Max0r describing his Liyue team
Fortunately, Genshin is not just a game about combat... it's a game about gambling.note You see, Genshin Impact is what we call "a gacha game" because it has got me in its grasp. Which means that the primary mechanic is chance. Every character is chance. Every weapon is chance. Every piece of every build is fucking chance. Do you know what it's like to have a mathematically impossible goblet? Goddamn elating. (Hu Tao's Surpassing Cup is shown)Stat breakdown (Max is now trying to level up an Entangling Bloom) Hey, so I see you're trying to level up your crit rate. Wehehell... that's a weird way to spell defense. Fortunately, we can predict the outcome of our character rolls using some... Eastern philosphies, and the answer is, um... 105 pulls on average.note But don't worry, you've got a lot of time. I guess we're gonna wait a day? (Hu Tao is about to plummet to her death. Max speeds it up to the next day where she ends up dead anyway and Xingqiu takes her place)
—Max0r breaks down the game's gacha mechanics
Katheryne: Greetings, Traveler!
Hu Tao: Uh huh.
Katheryne: Ad Astra Abyssosque.
Hu Tao: OK.
Katheryne: What can I do for you today?
Hu Tao: Yeah I'd like to uh, send a child to the coal mines. (Nahida is the one picked to go to the Whispering Woods)
Katheryne: What?
Hu Tao: Put her in for 20 hours.
Katheryne: But Traveler, she's going to die!
Hu Tao: The lithium is not going to mine itself, Katheryne.
Katheryne: But, but Traveler!
Hu Tao: Do not question me or I'll have you stabbed in a future quest.
Hu Tao: Uh huh.
Katheryne: Ad Astra Abyssosque.
Hu Tao: OK.
Katheryne: What can I do for you today?
Hu Tao: Yeah I'd like to uh, send a child to the coal mines. (Nahida is the one picked to go to the Whispering Woods)
Katheryne: What?
Hu Tao: Put her in for 20 hours.
Katheryne: But Traveler, she's going to die!
Hu Tao: The lithium is not going to mine itself, Katheryne.
Katheryne: But, but Traveler!
Hu Tao: Do not question me or I'll have you stabbed in a future quest.
Part 4: Sumeru
Max0r: What Sumeru does have is an actually good story. Like, out of all the things I was expecting, Harvard building an Evangelion was not one of them.
Nahida: SHINJIIIII! GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE EVA RIGHT NOW!
Scaramouche: You can't tell me what to do anymore, Mom! I'm finally inside of another man!
Nahida: Shinji, what the FUCK!?
Scaramouche: I AM THE ALL-KNOWING GOD!
Nahida: SHINJIIIII! GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE EVA RIGHT NOW!
Scaramouche: You can't tell me what to do anymore, Mom! I'm finally inside of another man!
Nahida: Shinji, what the FUCK!?
Scaramouche: I AM THE ALL-KNOWING GOD!
—Max0r explaining Sumeru's strong point in the game, as well as Nahida & Scaramouche's interaction
"You know what, guys?" Before I go, I want to give you all a fun tip that most Genshin players don't know: the age of consent is 18 years old.
— Max0r's final words of the video
Helldivers 2 Review | TRIPLE THE DEFENSE BUDGET | Starship Bloopers
This video contains, uh, many certifiable thought crimes.note Helldivers IInote is an amazing co-op shooter that plays... exactly like No Man's Sky.note Except instead of exploring the cosmos, you die horribly in the Somme.note Every copy of Helldivers II is... is personalized. Joelnote wanted me to fight 10,000 fire ants. In a universe where humanity is beset on all sidesnote by curious wildlife (the Terminids) and the... actual Terminators (the Automatons). Super Earth, the galaxy's last and only bastion of managed democracy, sends its finest men, women, and children over 7. To liberate and spread freedom to the most horrifying hellscapes known to man. Where war crimes are not only justified, but are necessary. We play as the Helldivers, humanity's finest in emancipation and friendly fire incidents. There's no need to worry about that last one because we are incredibly expendable. (a bomb drops in front of Max0r before blowing up in his face, killing himnote ) All across the galaxy, liberty's enemies march ever closer, but through the power of teamwork, friendship, and 500 kilogram bombs, we will fight for freedom, for democraacy, and most importantly... Because it's really funny. Dudes be like: "Helldivers 2 is military propaganda." My brother in Christ, it worked! Triple the Defense Budget.
—Max0r's introduction to Helldivers II
note The first thing you'll notice upon entering the SES Judge of Judgment... is the incredibly stupid name. And yes, you are able to name it other things using the... Wizard101 naming scheme. Things like the Pride of Pride, Star of the Stars, Patriot of Patriotism, and my personal favorite, the Founding Father of Family Values. Because this game has a lot of violence and movies. (clip of the intro movie of the dad screaming "Nooo!")note [completely normal Super Earth laughter] Oh ho ho. Here you see me depicted as the Soy Wojak. The second thing you'll notice as you enter the bridge is the ongoing galactic war and that we are currently... fucking losing the galactic war.note Which is why we need to suit up with exactly three of our friendsnote and choose which planet is in vital need of the democratic process. If you don't have any friends,note then, uh, I hope you can speak good Mandarin :) (Max0r gets shoved by a player yelling at him in Chinese) I think I did something to make him mad.
On the leftern side of the political spectrum, we have the Automaton Front: an enemy focusing on ranged tactics, heavy armor in slight excessnote , and an extremely high amount of explosive ordinance. (Max0r gets sent flying by an exploding Tank) Tohohohoho, I'm out here guys, later! If that sounds a little bit intimidating, then don't worry!note I haven't even gotten to the horde of angry chainsaws yet. Chainsaw Man reference goes in the video here. But talking about the Automaton Front is never complete without talking about... the fucking Creek note , or as it is known by our honored veterans, Space Vietnam.
note , and an extremely high amount of explosive ordinance. (Max0r gets sent flying by an exploding Tank) Tohohohoho, I'm out here guys, later! If that sounds a little bit intimidating, then don't worry!note I haven't even gotten to the horde of angry chainsaws yet. Chainsaw Man reference goes in the video here. But talking about the Automaton Front is never complete without talking about... the fucking Creek note , or as it is known by our honored veterans, Space Vietnam. Monster Hunter: World "Review"| Extinction™️ | Colonialism™️
Monster Hunter: The Worldnote is an action-style third person beat-em-up slice em' up carve em' up drink em' up KILL THEM ALL , where you play as John World, or the Jokernote and his "normal cat"note as we find and research the world's most amazing and charismatic megafauna so we can "peacefully" relocate them to the afterlife. Do you ever regret not being born in time to hunt Siberian mammoth? Or perhaps you're the kind of man who open carries to the zoo waiting for the day the chimps become excited? If so, this game could be for you. Set in the hostile and exotic wasteland of Australia, we play as an inherently bloodthirsty and violent race known only as Caucasoidus Anglicus and we are here to destroy the local environment as much as humanly possible, so I can wear it. Along the way overcoming many varieties of horrifying creatures unknown to God, ranging from "plausible and interesting specimen" to "fucking Thanos." And yes, I am reviewing Monster Hunter World and not Rise because the phrase "Nintendo Switch port" does not fill me with confidence. I'm sure it's a fantastic game, but this looks like an excellent Garry's Mod map. So without further ado, it's time to explain to you my favorite animal cruelty simulator with a game attached to it.
—Max0r's introduction to Monster Hunter World
Chapter 1: I Liednote
To hunt after these amazing beasts and where to find them, you need to get into the mindset of our distant ancestors. You see, humans are what we call "persistence hunters," which means we kill by running down our prey until they beg us for death. For reference, our closest competitors in a marathon are sled dogs and horse. Imagine for a moment you're this big fucking turkey (Kulu-Ya-Ku) and it's almost time for Thanksgiving. After a long and arduous battle, you run away as far as you can. But every time you turn around, he's still there. And even worse, it's wearing your skin. This is the mentality you must adopt if you are to survive the wilds of Queensland. The mammoth deserves to be extinct because he was weak.
"You will not need motivation to kill in this game, it comes about naturally, just like polio. And to bring about this timely demise, we are given fourteen weapons, all of them completely different from one another like the Light Bow gun and the Heavy Bow gun... and the Bow. Let me tell you, if I were stranded alone on a desert island, I would probably chose the fucking gun because the only people that I trust are my two best friends, Smith & Wesson. This is why I chose the Gunlance, which is what you think it is. Now I could have chosen the literal machine gun, but playing with these weapons changes the game into a first person shooter where the objective is to keep the gun away from your mouth. Instead I was drawn to the Insect Glaive because one, it lets me literally fly and the floor is paying taxes. Two, I get to lace a giant bee with C4 high explosives. And yes, there is an upgrade tree dedicated to bees. Three, I get to mount monsters and that lets me spam custom dialogue at everyone in the game."
—Max0r going into detail over the various weapons
Part 2: How to Commit Animal Abuse
Don't worry, I know exactly why you're here. I, too, want to know what this thing's (Tobi-Kadachi) foreskin looks like on my mantlepiece. Fortunately, World has you covered. I haven't really explained this because it's in the title, but in this game, you hunt monsters. This doesn't just mean killing them, although there is a lot of that. There's two ways to complete a hunt: Republican (Kill) and Democrat (Torture), both of them result in endless pain for the animal. Here's the difference: killing them by slowly breaking each individual bone is a mercy. Capturing them will give you more body parts than skinning them, which can include their skulls. The only logical conclusion is that we disassemble them like a crab factory, and those are the lucky ones because the other ones are subjected to cockfighting, and my bet always wins.
—Max0r describing the hunting in the game
Part 3: Mr. Worldwide
Now that we have a good understanding of our victims, it's time to take our domestic violence international. Because this is a Monster Hunter: World, one that makes no sense both geographically and ecologically, just like the real Australia. So upon beginning the game, we make our way across the dangerous, but inoffensive lands of New South Wales, learning the basics, surviving, and expanding our newly founded gulag of Sydney. This hell will be your base of operations for most of the game complete with every kind of amenity you can expect from savage Welshmen. It's here that we rearm, research and reforge my weapon again because I am indecisive.note There's even a pig (poogie) that won't stop following me. You can pet it, but not too much because what matters is consent. (John World is tackled by the poogie) But most importantly, this is where we use racial segregation because for some reason, the only chefs in the camp are cats, and this is a very unsanitary environment. (picture of Gordon Ramsay screaming at the palicos working at the kitchen) You see, food is not just a buff and it's not just a cutscene, it's fucking mandatory. I mean, just look at the cardio. My body's an airplane powered by dead chickens. To put it simply, the game is unplayable with an empty stomach for two reasons: 1) It looks like this and 2) I don't have to explain shit.
—Max0r introducing the Research Base and the cooking system
Part 4: God Has Forsaken This Game
Max0r: First of all, we can tell that this game is a literary masterwork by the fact that characters do not have names. Who can forget such personalities as the Handlernote , the Commandernote and, um, fucking Ganondorf (the Admiral). The story is comprised of two major arcs: Where in the World is the 50 foot tall lizard (Zorah Magdaros) and "Gee, I wonder what Ganon is up to?", both of which are made excessively worse when the game automatically sets the Handler to be in a cat suit (Friendly Felyne Costume) and at this point, I'm afraid of turning it off.
Commander: Okay, one last thing, everyone. if I see anyone on this fucking ship say the words "Nekopara Cosplay," I will invert your penis with my foot.note
Commander: Okay, one last thing, everyone. if I see anyone on this fucking ship say the words "Nekopara Cosplay," I will invert your penis with my foot.note
For the first arcnote of our multiple stage manga that ends in a sex scene, we chase after the amazing boss fightnote Zorah Magdaros, as we apparently forget the location of a giant Kaiju.note Several times. This being said, you don't want to fight him, because his boss battle is an environmental puzzle primarily comprised of loading cannonballs for 30 minutes, and then waiting for the boss to move — very slowly. That way we can penetrate him with our oddly phallic spear that, uh... extends when needed. And for the second arcnote of our new Genshin anime on Spike TV we team up with Ganon to discovernote new and amazing Elder Dragons all across the continent.note And of course, I mean "discover" like the vikings meant "trade". This is where some of the toughest and most annoying bossesnote in the entire game happen, featuring such great fights as Nergigante (whose name I cannot say with a hard R), the Covid Beast (Vaal Hazak)note , and my personal favorite: Margaret Thatcher's nightmare (Teostra).
—Max0r summarizes the plot of the game
Project Wingman Review | Nuclear Planes | Defeat the Antichrist
Spoilers & Epilepsy Warning
Project Wingman is a game which encapsulates and defines the term "competitive genocide." In a world where Yellowstone National Park has had enough, humanity is plunged into a post-apocalypse where the laws of war are null and void. We play as a mute, possibly autistic psychopath hellbent on his mission to fight the Australian Illuminati, featuring such notable species as the Land Battleship, the Battleship Battleship, and the Battlebus across a multitude of varied and interesting locations like the apocalyptic wasteland that is Los Angeles. (Beat as a shot of Los Angeles is shown) Caught in the middle of a conflict between the Pacific Federation and Cascadia, our protagonist is forced to put aside his fight with Jack Sparrow in Louisiana to conduct a second American Revolution and facilitate tax evasion. As a member of the Sicario Mercenary group, you're given the tools of destruction you need to fight off The Antichrist. Because in this universe, the UN does not solve conflict, it starts it and then ESCALATES IT. So like most problems in the world, we resort instead to base violence as a means of international dispute. Bring your jets, your guns, your bombs and your napalms, cause we're going absolute babirusa. Confused? Good. We live in a society where this is as canonically expensive as a Mercedes and holds 182 missiles. So if you want to see a parade of destruction, melodrama, questionable engineering choices and King Crimson, then let me be your guide into the wonderful world of Project Wingman, humanity's first jet-centric game where California finally explodes.
Project Wingman is a game which encapsulates and defines the term "competitive genocide." In a world where Yellowstone National Park has had enough, humanity is plunged into a post-apocalypse where the laws of war are null and void. We play as a mute, possibly autistic psychopath hellbent on his mission to fight the Australian Illuminati, featuring such notable species as the Land Battleship, the Battleship Battleship, and the Battlebus across a multitude of varied and interesting locations like the apocalyptic wasteland that is Los Angeles. (Beat as a shot of Los Angeles is shown) Caught in the middle of a conflict between the Pacific Federation and Cascadia, our protagonist is forced to put aside his fight with Jack Sparrow in Louisiana to conduct a second American Revolution and facilitate tax evasion. As a member of the Sicario Mercenary group, you're given the tools of destruction you need to fight off The Antichrist. Because in this universe, the UN does not solve conflict, it starts it and then ESCALATES IT. So like most problems in the world, we resort instead to base violence as a means of international dispute. Bring your jets, your guns, your bombs and your napalms, cause we're going absolute babirusa. Confused? Good. We live in a society where this is as canonically expensive as a Mercedes and holds 182 missiles. So if you want to see a parade of destruction, melodrama, questionable engineering choices and King Crimson, then let me be your guide into the wonderful world of Project Wingman, humanity's first jet-centric game where California finally explodes.
—Max0r's introduction to Project Wingman
Yakuza 0 "Review" | Japan Simulator™ | Friday Night Fever
There are spoilers in this video.
Yakuza 0 is a ground-breaking business management and unhinged violence simulator where the player is tasked with the thorough exploration of people's faces using your fists. In this Oriental-inspired entertainment product, it's up to you to beat down dastardly criminals nearly to death, manage the economy, manage women as a pimp, do the Yoinky Sploinky, grant pizza to the illiterate, and so much more. In the backdrop of a murder mystery crime drama incited by rampant real estate speculation, we play as the hard boiled yakuza Kiryu Zoboomafoo (Kazuma Kiryu) and Goro Meningitis (Goro Majima) as they prowl the streets of that weird city from Persona 5, along the way doing an excess of justified self-defense mugging to spend their ill-gotten gains on increasingly odd behavior, all in an effort to untangle a sinister power struggle taking place within the silly spaghetti people club. With such esteemed members as the entire cast of Goodfellas and, um, Sundowner from the Metal Goose series. Of course, innocents will be caught in the crossfire. It's an inclusive game. But whether I was on the stage, getting invested in the plot, performing gentrification, or just watching literal in-game pornography, I was held at the edge of my seat wondering what could come next. So despite the darkness and absolute certain murder, it maintains a tonal dissonance I can describe as neck shattering in a way that is always a breath of fresh air. With all that is said and done, I invite you to enjoy the bizarre world of Yakuza 0 and the thrilling experience of its dimensional karaoke. (the intro ends with Majima singing "24h Cinderella" along with clips of various beatdowns and Substory shenanigans)
Yakuza 0 is a ground-breaking business management and unhinged violence simulator where the player is tasked with the thorough exploration of people's faces using your fists. In this Oriental-inspired entertainment product, it's up to you to beat down dastardly criminals nearly to death, manage the economy, manage women as a pimp, do the Yoinky Sploinky, grant pizza to the illiterate, and so much more. In the backdrop of a murder mystery crime drama incited by rampant real estate speculation, we play as the hard boiled yakuza Kiryu Zoboomafoo (Kazuma Kiryu) and Goro Meningitis (Goro Majima) as they prowl the streets of that weird city from Persona 5, along the way doing an excess of justified self-defense mugging to spend their ill-gotten gains on increasingly odd behavior, all in an effort to untangle a sinister power struggle taking place within the silly spaghetti people club. With such esteemed members as the entire cast of Goodfellas and, um, Sundowner from the Metal Goose series. Of course, innocents will be caught in the crossfire. It's an inclusive game. But whether I was on the stage, getting invested in the plot, performing gentrification, or just watching literal in-game pornography, I was held at the edge of my seat wondering what could come next. So despite the darkness and absolute certain murder, it maintains a tonal dissonance I can describe as neck shattering in a way that is always a breath of fresh air. With all that is said and done, I invite you to enjoy the bizarre world of Yakuza 0 and the thrilling experience of its dimensional karaoke. (the intro ends with Majima singing "24h Cinderella" along with clips of various beatdowns and Substory shenanigans)
—Max0r's introduction to Yakuza 0
Chapter 1: I Am Wanted for Larceny in 9 Countries
There is no better place to start with than with the various methods we employ to atomize people into their base particles. With two playable characters and eight unique fighting styles, there is always variation. And for the blind people in my audience, Yakuza is a Beat 'em Up in the most literal sense possible, matching the players against absolute mongolian hordes of strange characters such as goons, bikers, your own yakuza, men in black and Chinese men. Don't worry, these delicate hands would never kill anyone. Unless they don't subscribe, ring that like button, smash the bell—
We attack using a flurry of different, intricate combos to build our primordial rage meter, which we use to cause the real damage in the forms of hundreds of completely absurd animations ranging from light jabs to permanent injury and certain death. The beauty in all of this is that, like the beautiful and respectable-sounding Japanese Languagenote , expulsion of our death resource is context-sensitive, with possibly hundreds of different, entirely unique animations, all dedicated to Kiryu's never-ending war on bones. Are you carrying a giant cone? That's an animation. Are you near a ledge on this one level? Well, not to worry. Or maybe you just have a box. Serve that shit up faster than FedEx. Every single takedown is this gratuitously violent. But don't worry, neither of our characters canonically kill anyone. We just give them lifelong disabilities that are worse than death.
We attack using a flurry of different, intricate combos to build our primordial rage meter, which we use to cause the real damage in the forms of hundreds of completely absurd animations ranging from light jabs to permanent injury and certain death. The beauty in all of this is that, like the beautiful and respectable-sounding Japanese Languagenote , expulsion of our death resource is context-sensitive, with possibly hundreds of different, entirely unique animations, all dedicated to Kiryu's never-ending war on bones. Are you carrying a giant cone? That's an animation. Are you near a ledge on this one level? Well, not to worry. Or maybe you just have a box. Serve that shit up faster than FedEx. Every single takedown is this gratuitously violent. But don't worry, neither of our characters canonically kill anyone. We just give them lifelong disabilities that are worse than death.
—Max0r explaining Yakuza 0's combat system
Chapter 2: OH GOD I HAVE TO SPEAK TO WOMEN
There are many ways to run a High Society Cabaret Club™ like abuse. But a true manager of a great establishment has many factors to consider. Contrary to popular belief, all women are different. But like the caste system, people can be classified. Our objective is to keep the customer as happy as possible by balancing our women's specializations. (clip of Watame and Rushia dancing on HoloGra) Some women are cute, others are great at conversations and some are "skilled". Akina has a degree in biomedical engineering. Poor patrons like me have very low expectations and can be pleased with rubbing rocks together while wealthy patrons have refined tastes like physical and mental abuse. Every employee has their limits, and it's up to you to stretch them as far as possible. Truly we are the (Jeff) Bezos of Cabaret. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be attending the poor people hunt. Of course as a proper host, it's up to you to attend to every customer whereupon things go from relaxing to batshit. Every time you wait a table, you'll receive a cryptic hand signal which tells you what the customer desires. And if you want to please them, you better remember all of them (Ladies' Glass, Refill Ice, Towel). What the fuck are you trying to— (Majima is hit with Guest Glass, Ladies' Glass, Menu, and Swap Ashtray) I'll be back with a gun. And just in case this wasn't painful, every time you go to a new table, the game will throw a flashbang. (the game has a Fade to White as Max puts up UNEDITED FOOTAGE to show this always happens) So over the course of a never-endingnote grind, I was given the most painful migraine I will ever get in my life. This screen and this music inspire my killing urges. By the way, this game is a beat-em-up. So to conclude our Cabaret adventure, our reward is the Mad Dog style, which allows you to wield a knife and sprint at breakneck velocity, striking your foes like a cracked-up Doberman, and unlocking takedowns that straight up kill people. (Majima kicks his dagger into a mook's chest before coming over to pull it out) "Hah fuck, that looks pretty sharp. Anyways, good luck." Playing with the knife style is an experience, one that I would never repeat again. So when I heard that unlocking the other secret style (Dragon) involved eight hours of the Real Estate, I promptly had a PTSD attack. (Kiryu is singing "Bakamitai")note
—Max0r going into detail over the Cabaret Club Czar minigame, and showing off the Mad Dog style
Chapter 3: How to Spend Money Very Responsibly
You know, when I first played this game, I expected brutal combat, I expected silly takedowns (Kiryu slamming Yoneda's head into a urinal), but what I didn't expect was the hour I spent with the claw machine. (Majima is trying to grab a prize... slowly.) I'm having a fucking blast. (Kiryu is now at a pool hall) I don't think I need to play pool for three hours, but they just put it in. And let me tell you, nothing sells the fictional world of Japan better than a good night on the town. (Kiryu and Majima are dancing to Friday Night.) So at this point, I started wondering what kind of game was I actually playing. It turns out that Yakuza 0 is a lot like reality: (Kiryu gets beat down by Mr. Shakedown) you always need more money. Mostly for upgrades where you inject money directly into your arms and collect every vaccine.note But secondarily, healthcare never comes free. So every time you take damage, you're gonna have to consume to fill the void inside, or alternatively, carry thousands of dollars in "medicine." (the item screen is filled up with 12 Toughness Zs) There is no limit to juicing. It's no exaggeration to say that Yakuza's difficulty depends entirely on how much of a sigma male you are. Kiryu may not be getting any pussy, but he is getting paid.
Chapter 4: Questin' With the Bestin'
In one instance, I was given the task of infiltrating the cult of "Munan Chohept Onast", whereupon I had to learn the practice of "Shooreh Pippi", the acquisition of "Kulipaas" and the greeting of "Munancho", at which point the game tested me on their exact definitions. I promptly beat their leader to death. In another instance, Kiryu teams up with the famous movie director Stephen Spinning, known for his hit film, "Indian Jeans", to complete a music video with famous international pop star Miracle Johnson. I was hired to beat the extras to death. Now that I think about it, every sidequest ends with a trip to the hospital. Except for the pizza one. That ends in love. It's not delivery, it's DiGiorno.
—Max0r describing some of Yakuza 0's sidequests
Conclusion
All in all, Yakuza is more true to life than any other game I've ever played. Not by making sense or being realistic, but emotionally. At the beginning of this game, Kiryu is just kind of a cool buff guy, but after exploring his friendships, seeing him have fun and just interacting with people, I realize that this is much more. So when things take a bad turn and we're at our lowest point, you really feel it. More than almost any other game. Yakuza is about life. With all the beautiful ecstasy, awful tragedy and everything in between. Fights are never just fun in Yakuza: they can be comedic, cathartic or just really goddamn cool. Activities make you feel like a part of the world, and every cutscene is filled with emotion and personality. When I first played I thought that Yakuza was all over the place, that it was somehow messy. But now I realize that life is fucking messy. And... that's okay.
—Max0r summarizing his review
