The Angry Video Game Nerd Season Sixteen / Funny

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The Last Ninja

The Nerd's 2006 counterpart points out that the top six names on the game's high score board are Bert, Ernie, Barney, Fred, Stan and Oliver. He comes to the conclusion that the last two names were meant to be a reference to Laurel and Hardy, and given that the game's target audience was kids who liked Ninjas, he asks if any kids back in 1991 knew who Laurel and Hardy were.
When the Nerd from 2006 said he recorded the video 15 years after the game's release, he said if the present Nerd followed his instructions, another 15 years will have passed. This episode was released on 2022, meaning he was off by one year.
Present Nerd: Close enough.
After the present Nerd says, "It couldn't have been that bad."
Past Nerd: And I know what you're thinking. "It couldn't have been that bad." But you need to play it one more time.
Present Nerd: Sure.
The past Nerd says the present Nerd must release the episode after he plays the game again. The present Nerd wonders if that means the last episode is still 200.
The past Nerd tells the present Nerd that no matter what, he must never stop being the Angry Nintendo Nerd. Not only has the present Nerd long since changed his name from "Nintendo Nerd" to "Video Game Nerd", but the events of the last episode gave him a new appreciation for his shitty games by teaching him just how hard it is to make a good one, so he's also no longer angry. He's just "The Video Game Nerd" now. Needless to say, this game ends up being so shitty that it quickly beats that sentiment out of him, and by the end, he declares himself the Angry Video Game Nerd once more.
The Nerd notices that the game proudly touts itself as "Game of the Year" and wonders what other games came out on 1991, a Long List of much better games quickly scrolls up the screen. In the middle of them is Dr. Claw's Pump 'N Dump.
The Nerd says the Commodore 64 version of the game plays much smoother than the NES version, but he can't stop moonwalking for some reason. Cue footage of the ninja walking backwards while music from Michael Jackson's Moonwalker plays.
After the Nerd points out how bad the ninja is at his job:
Nerd: Last Ninja? Should be called the "Worst Ninja." It's a shame all the other ones died so, he's the only one we have left.
The ninja can equip a weapon, but it doesn't hurt anyone, just like the cane in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (NES). Except while the cane in Jekyll and Hyde can at least kill bees, the weapon in this game can't even kill bees, making it even worse than the cane in Jekyll and Hyde.
As the Nerd rants about how difficult it is to jump onto the boat, he suddenly gets excited when he almost lands on it before overshooting it.
Among the Nerd's many attempts to jump onto the boat is a segment where four screens of the game play at the same time. When all four of them fail to land, four Nerds yell fuck simultaneously.
When the Nerd actually manages to land on the boat, he's ecstatic that he made it, only to fail to jump to the other side of the river, causing the Nerd to yell a Big "NO!" in anguish.
After the Nerd crosses the second river, he starts celebrating before realizing he only beat level one.
When the Nerd loses a life after entering one of three doors, he wonders what killed him: a pit of venomous snakes, a maniac with a chainsaw, or Kevin McCallister with a bunch of paint cans.
Nerd: And what game am I playing here? There's no skill here! It's just luck! It's like saying "Pick a hand!" That's not a game! That's the lowest most basic caveman version of a game!
During the Trial-and-Error Gameplay segment where two of the three doors instantly kill him, the Nerd says it would be like playing the NES Dragon's Lair if it were crunched up and stuffed inside Deadly Towers, literally.
After talking about a part where he has to enter the sewers:
Nerd: Not to mention, why the sewers? What is it about Nintendo games and sewers? What is it about ninja games? What is it about ninjas and sewers?! The only thing more cliche would be if there were alligators in the sewers!
[Cue an alligator showing up in the sewers]
Nerd: ...There's alligators in the sewers.
The Nerd shares some of the ninja wisdom he learned from playing the game, which turns out to be about the game's bizarre hazards and insane solutions to its obstacles, making them sound like a bunch of Ice Cream Koans.
"One may see food as nourishment and survival, but one who puts a chicken drumstick in a box, turns a poisonous green, and feeds it to a panther, will ensure one's survival in the road ahead."
"One must become the master of their environment. When a helicopter come by dangling a ladder, don't think that's the target. Instead, jump off the fucking roof!"
"The path less traveled, is less traveled because a rack of wine bottles are deadly to the touch."
Most of the game's end screen has proper grammar, but when a mistake pops up in the last screen, the Nerd is actually thrilled because it means the game is "a full, home run shitfest."
The game scores a major Code Red on the Shit Scale. Previously, this rating was exclusively reserved for Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, since no other game the Nerd has played has even come close to being that bad.^note In fact, the Nerd thinks it might even be worse than Jekyll and Hyde, and therefore the worst NES game he has ever played. Unlike Jekyll and Hyde, he states that he's never revisiting this one.
After he beats the game, Ernie shows up to talk about the Nerd's high scores. Ernie isn't happy that the Nerd named the high score above his score "ASSSSSS", because it would mean that Ernie is below ass, meaning he's less than shit. When the Nerd points out Bert also has a higher score than Ernie, Ernie says, "Fuck Bert! I already took care of him."
The Nerd and Ernie eventually end up in a fight, with Ernie letting out his Signature Laugh and a string of swears as he pummels the Nerd. There is just something hilarious about a lovable character like Ernie screaming "Fuck you you motherfucker! You fucking piece of shit! I'll fucking kill you!" as he tries to beat the Nerd senseless. The Nerd then punches Ernie so hard it gets a Repeat Cut, with the last one being in slow motion. When the Nerd starts pummeling Ernie, Ernie calls Big Bird for help, which never comes. After the Nerd chokes Ernie unconscious, he puts Ernie in a bathtub and throws the Nintoaster (with The Last Ninja still inside) into it, electrifying Ernie to death while the Nerd grins in triumph. Considering Ernie's love of baths, this is quite the ironic death.
Ernie: You're one sick fuck, Nerd!

Contra How I Remember It

The episode begins with the Nerd talking about The Monkey's Paw, which he found as a kid. His first wish was to make a living playing video games when he grew up. He sure got it, by playing shitty games. His second wish was for "candy and shit," and he found out the thumb didn't count, which the Nerd considers a ripoff.
- It's even funnier to imagine that the "shit" part might have been literal, meaning the Nerd really did get candy and shit. It sure sounds like something the monkey's paw would do.
When the Nerd makes his third wish, to play a good game, the monkey's paw flexes another finger so only its middle finger is up. In comes an angry gorilla with a stump on its left arm who punches the Nerd and reattaches the monkey's paw to its stump before throwing a game at the Nerd's face. But at least his wish was granted, since it turns out the game was Contra.
While the Nerd is demonstrating what it was like when he first played Contra as a kid, he shouts fuck when he dies, followed by the Nerd's mother telling him to watch his language.
One of the few bad things the Nerd can think of for Contra is the players wearing red and blue, because they aren't good camouflage colors. The Nerd is practically begging the game to give him something to complain about.
Nerd: Trying to shake some shits out of this gem is gonna be tough.
After showing the challenges of having a second person playing with you, it turns out the Nerd was playing with Shitpickle.
Hearts start to fall from above after the Nerd finishes Contra III, but when he starts playing Contra Force, the hearts turn into logs of shit and the Nerd starts crying in agony. This happens again when the Nerd goes from Contra: Hard Corps to Contra: Legacy of War and continues for C: The Contra Adventure.

Purr Pals

The Nerd begins his review by saying that the Nintendo Wii came out in 2006, back when he was talking about the Power Glove, and how the idea of controlling a game with physical movement and game sensors didn't work out. He says that while the Wii remote was a big improvement over the Power Glove, it still had its not-so-great moments. He cites Imagine Party Babyz as one of them. The game is a Party Game where you play as a baby in a nursery. His first criticism of the game is how the babies don't have proper names, being referred to as "Baby 1", "Baby 2", "Baby 3", and "Baby 4".
The Nerd continues to struggle to play Imagine Party Babyz, and by the time he finally figures out the controls, a new mini-game requring a different combination of movements begins. One such mini-game involves holding the Wii remote horizontally and tilting it back and forth to make the baby walk in a race. Just when the Nerd finally manages to catch up, he gets disqualified from the race as the other babies jump onto some bouncy animals and leave him in the dust. To add insult to injury, the Nerd is forced to watch the race continue, and when they lap his baby, it's nowhere to be seen.
One of the games the Nerd plays is Billy the Wizard, which he expects to be a rip-off of Harry Potter, but to his dismay, it's a rip-off of Superman 64, as it has him fly through rings. He corrects himself when he finds that the game's manual refers to the rings as hoops.
When the Nerd finally gets to playing Purr Pals, he is impressed with the different cat breeds the game has to offer, one of which is a Turkish Van. The Nerd then shows the viewers his real-life Turkish Van named Yeti which he raised for fourteen years. As he coddles Yeti, he calls her a "White little fluffy piece of shit" and a "Fucking fuck face".
The Nerd's reaction to finding out that the game actually involves cleaning cat poop from a litter box.
Nerd: Well, I came really close to saying "This game sucks so badly, it'd be more fun to play with cat turds." Well, then here comes a game, where you're actually playing WITH CAT TURDS! Oh, my God! Somebody made this game... for me! Oh, my God! I finally found it! Where has this been all my life? I can't even make a joke about Nintendo Wii! You know, wee, like piss? No, cause' we went straight to shit! This game knows what it is! And you want to know how it plays? Like shit!
- Before the rant, he drops the Wiimote (leaving it hanging on his wrist by the strap), gets right in front of the tv screen, stares at it for bit, then grabs a bottle of Rolling Rock from a nearby tray table, and chugs the whole thing.
- "Ode to Joy" starts playing, with each note being a "meow" during this scene and plays for the rest of the episode.

Hudson Hawk

The Nerd found the movie's Nintendo jokes so amusing that he thinks they should have become slogans for actual Nintendo ads.
Play some Nintendo. Bone some chicks.
- This is followed by the Nerd replacing Atari's slogan "Have you played Atari today?" with "Have you gotten laid today?"
The video has a Running Gag inspired by the movie's cappuccino gag where the Nerd can't drink his beer.
- The first time, a Grand Theft Auto boxset suddenly falls from above to knock the bottle out of his hands.
- The second time, the Nerd tries to drink a beer after pulling off a tricky jump, only for it suddenly be blast to pieces.
- The third time, Shitpickle steals the bottle and chugs it all down. Instead of getting angry, the Nerd asks Shitpickle how he got shit on his head. Shitpickle's explanation is implied to be something akin to revealing the greatest secrets of the universe as it's accompanied by footage of the solar system and warfare, all while saying shitpickle.
  Nerd: Wow. Not what I expected at all, but thanks for sharing that. (Looks at the viewer.) Well, there you have it.
After noticing North American boxart doesn't have Bruce Willis on it is while the PAL version does, the Nerd wonders if Bruce found out how much the game sucks and had the art pulled. This is followed by footage from the movie where the PAL boxart is placed in his character's hands before he throws it at a lamp.
The Nerd finds it annoying that the game only lets you see your health on the pause screen, saying it would be like having to pull your car over and turn off the engine just to see how much gas you have.
The Nerd imagines what a game based on The Breakfast Club would be like, using pixellated pictures of the movie to parody old games that did the same. Also, it would be made by Capcom.
Nerd: Level 1, you're sitting in detention. Level 2, you're sitting in detention. Level 3, you're sneaking around the school. Write the letter. The end.
The Nerd says that fighting the final boss, which is just retrieving the crystal, is like fighting a washing machine.
When the game's ending screen says you may have saved the economic fate of the world, the Nerd says it would be like Contra saying:
Congratulations! You've possibly destroyed the Vile Red Falcon and maybe saved the universe. You can consider yourself a hero... Though it's debatable.
Instead of ranting about how much the game sucks at the end like he usually does, the Nerd tries to shake things up by looking at the positive side. This praise consists of the game accomplishing the bare minimum while the Nerd ends up getting angry anyway.
Nerd: Well, uhhh, it functions. It didn't freeze. It follows the movie somewhat. Uh, it only has three levels. Um, it has a pause button! (Starts getting annoyed.) It doesn't have high-pitched shrieking music that makes you want to rip your brain through your ears. It's not The Last Ninja, it's not made by LJN. It may be shit, but it's not actual shit! I think that's a good thing? (Starts getting mad.) You can't die from it! Probably not. It doesn't give off any odors. It tastes like nothing compared to the liquid ass of a gasoline guzzling gorilla. Nor is it as repulsive as a hagfish which can produce gallons of snot on cue to choke its predators! (Starts getting furious.) It doesn't completely suck so bad that it'll make you rip your balls off and shove 'em in your eye sockets! It's not the goddamn motherfucking apocalypse! (Calms down.) It's just, a game. But the best thing about this game, is that it's easily destructible.
(The Nerd throws the game into a trash can, where it explodes.)
The Nerd thinks the scene in the movie where Eddie Hawkins finally has his cappuccino should be used in a Folger's commercial, which is followed by a still shot of the scene being put into a book while the Folger's jingle plays.
After the Nerd finally gets to drink his beer, it cuts to him with several cans and bottles of beer as a Parody Commercial plays to the tune of the Folger's jingle.
Best part of waking up, is getting all fucked up. (The Nerd belches as he passes out.)

Doom

While talking about how everyone was playing Doom, The Nerd references its infamous reputation as a workplace productivity killer by showing Data playing it on the Enterprise's systems while Captain Picard orders him to get back to work.
- Also the edited Seinfeld clip, where Jerry's playing on his computer and Kramer begs to play.
Kramer: Look, come on, let me use it. Five minutes. I'll pay you back. (Jerry continues playing)
The Nerd tries to play Doom on the Commodore 64 and finds out it will take 66.6 hours to load the game.
After talking about his memories of playing Doom for few minutes, the loading screen goes from 0.0% to 0.1%. The Nerd does a fist pump and yells a genuinely excited "Yeah!"
Tired of how long it's taking Doom to load, the Nerd offers to sell his soul to play it. A satanic overlord, in the form of the Icon of Sin, is willing to grant the Nerd's request in exchange for "living his life playing crappy games." The Nerd points out he already does that and insists they're "shitty" games, not "crappy" games. After the Nerd agrees, the Icon of Sin grants his wish, except he has to play all of the game's Porting Disasters.
Nerd: You son of a bitch. That's pretty good. Fuck.
The Nerd says the map screen of the Atari Jaguar version is like playing an Atari game (i.e. the Atari 2600) before pointing out that he is playing an Atari game.
After playing the Jaguar version, the Nerd asks if the Icon of Sin can do any better. Or rather, can he do any worse?
Icon of Sin: Eat this. (gives the Nerd the 3DO version)
Upon starting the 3DO version, the Nerd declares its music to be the best one yet, even better than the original PC. You'd think the rest of the game would be good too, right? Wrong, it's actually the worst.
The Nerd gives each Doom port a name. The 32X is Poor Man's Doom, the Jaguar is Silent Doom, the SNES is Mosaic Doom, the PS1 is Almost Doom, the 3DO is Cow's Anus Doom, and the Saturn is Diluted Diarrhea Doom. The Nintendo 64 version isn't counted because it's actually a different game, but he does call it Blind Doom because it's so dark you can't see anything.
After the Nerd finds the Game Boy Advance port to be surprisingly decent for a handheld console, the Nerd says there can't be any more ports of Doom, followed by the Icon of Sin revealing there's a few more, starting with the ZX Spectrum.
Nerd: Doom on the ZX Spectrum?! Why would they port Doom on the ZX Spectrum, why even bother?
The Nerd's opinion on the Game Boy port:
Nerd: No. Nooooooo. Ugh, this is below the bottom of the toilet! We're all the way into the sewage plant at this point.
After playing the Game Boy port, it suddenly cuts to the Nerd holding the Virtual Boy to his face while shouting, "Doom, on Virtual Boy?!"
Nerd: Oh, man at least the blood is red. Because everything's red!
After playing a Doom port on the Vectrex:
Nerd: Ugh that's it, I can't take any more. No more Doom.
(the Nerd catches a handheld thrown at him)
Nerd: No. It can't be! Doom, on Tiger Electronic Handheld! This is fucked beyond belief! This is below human standards! This game is FILTH! This game puts the DIE in diarrhea! Who wants to play Doom on a Tiger handheld console? It can't get any worse.
Cut to the Nerd playing the R-Zone.
Nerd: Oh god! It's woooorse! Doom, on R-Zone!
The Doom ports get even crazier from here. There's Doom on a wristwatch, a flip phone, a calculator, a Wawa order screen, a gas pump, the Dreamcast VMU^note, a car screen, a thermostat, a VCR clock, a microwave, a turkey thermometer, a pregnancy test, and the Odyssey^notewhich is just an overlay.
Then the Nerd starts listing Doom merchandise and regular stuff with Doom added to it, like a water arcade, an Etch A Sketch^note, a flip book^note, a Rubik's cube, pogs, and a suppository.

Garfield

The Nerd begins the review by announcing that he's going to review games based on the Garfield franchise, and since this episode is in December, the viewers might be wondering if there's anything having to do with Christmas in it. The Nerd tells them there is; he's wearing a Santa hat.
While playing the unreleased Garfield prototype for the Atari 2600, the Nerd finds Odie in the chimney, like Santa Claus, which he counts as the video's Christmas reference.
Nerd: How do you like that? Merry fucking Christmas. Happy Goddamn holidays! And while you're at it, happy New Year! Happy Valentine's Day! Happy Arbor Day! Happy World Mosquito Day!... And happy birthday, Brian.
While playing A Week of Garfield for the Famicom, the Nerd barely gets through the first level before getting killed by a mouse.
One of the power-ups in the game is a spread gun, and after using it, the Nerd shows a fictional comic where Garfield finds a spread gun and uses it against a bunch of frogs and mice.
After questioning why the game has so many frogs in it, he shows a fictional strip where Jon says "Aww shit! I got all the frogs jumping around!" to Liz.
The Nerd eventually gets to the game's final boss, a purple cat that throws knives. After defeating him the first time, he rescues Odie, and looks for the key to unlock the door, as every previous level required him to find a key to unlock the door with. Unfortunately, he discovers that the game has a time limit. He soon finds out that he didn't even need a key, and he just had to go through the door. He also finds out that even that's not enough; he has to defeat the final boss, go through the door, and then go through a second door just to beat the game, which rewards him with an unsatisfying ending, especially when Garfield says "It was easy." to Jon, which the Nerd knows is anything but.
The Nerd encounters a glitch in Garfield: Caught in the Act for the Sega Genesis, where the game softlocks after he defeats the third boss, the Odiesaurus, requiring him to reset. He says he would ask if the people behind the game tested it out, but according to the end credits, they did; it had two lead testers, four assistant testers, and fourteen regular testers.
The Nerd comes to the game's Final Boss, Glitch, which he describes as looking like a robot velociraptor with a bowtie and plugs for hands. He then says that Glitch doesn't even look like it belongs in the game, as he looks more like an enemy from Vectorman. He then compares it to Sabrewulf showing up in Super Mario World.
While playing Garfield Labyrinth for Game Boy, he finds out that the game is similar to an Amiga game called P.P. Hammer, which is ironic since just before, he made a joke about Garfield's jackhammer looking more like a penis.
The Nerd goes into the game's complicated backstory, namely how the game was released in North America as a The Real Ghostbusters game, which is ironic considering that both Lorenzo Music voiced both Garfield and Peter in their animated series, and Bill Murray played them in their live-action movies. Zombieland, which also starred Bill Murray, also referenced both franchises. He further explores the game's backstory, saying that in Japan, the game was a Mickey Mouse game, the fourth in its series. The third game, Mickey Mouse III, was Kid Klown In Night Mayor World in North America, while the first two games were part of the The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle series. While Mickey Mouse did get a fifth game in his series, the fifth game in the Crazy Castle series starred Woody Woodpecker. Meanwhile, the first game in the Crazy Castle series had both an NES version and a Game Boy version; the NES version was a Roger Rabbit game in Japan, while the Game Boy version was a Mickey Mouse game. Finally, the European version of the second game was a Hugo the TV Troll game.
The review ends with Bugs Bunny visiting the Nerd with an extremely prolonged "Eh...^notenearly forty seconds What's up, Doc?" The Nerd then says to Bugs "You have the nerve to come here and ask me what's up?", takes a pause to pull a beer bottle out of his Atari 5200 and drink from it, then says "The doc is gonna tell you what's up, 'cause the doc... has a prescription ordered specifically for you, fuck-face!" Bugs then says "Okay. Well, you're the doc, Doc. Let me have it." The Nerd then raises his fist... and wishes Bugs a happy holiday as the two fist-bump each other. He then gives Bugs an NES controller... and proceeds to punch him in the face.
In The Stinger, the Nerd punches Bugs' head off, only to discover that Bugs is really a disguised Woody Woodpecker, then he punches Woody's head off and discovers that Woody is really a disguised Mickey Mouse. Then he punches that head off to find Egon, then Kid Klown, then Roger Rabbit, then finally Garfield.
Nerd: Nice touch.

Funny / The Angry Video Game Nerd Season Sixteen

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Funny / The Angry Video Game Nerd Season Sixteen

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