The Angry Video Game Nerd Season One / Funny

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The Karate Kid

His tantrum at the beginning, with his slow motion "FUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK!!!" and banging his head through a kitchen cabinet.
- Even funnier when you realise he was holding the top of his head to soften the impact so that he didn't hurt himself.
"And guess what? That's the last level, and if you were expecting some big ending to be worth all your trouble, well, you're wrong. The only thing that happens at the end is that Mr. Miyagi winks. What a piece of shit."

Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Calling Jessica Rabbit herself on the phone:
Nerd: Is this Jessica Rabbit? Well, I got your number and I'm calling just to say "FUCK YOU!"
Jessica Rabbit: I hope you're proud of yourself...
Nerd: Yeah, well, I hope you're proud of yourself, and you know what I mean, you fucking whore.
Jessica Rabbit: I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.
Nerd: Yeah, well, wait until I draw your suicide note in your own blood, you bunny-fucking bitch! I'm coming over - and I'm gonna kill you; I'm gonna kill your whole motherfucking family!
"The game sucks, end of story, I wanna nail Roger Rabbit to the fucking cross"

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

The Nerd trying to jump into a short gap to get a pizza power-up. After many tries:
AVGN: This is a bunch of cock-a-dookie, this is bullfuck...
"And, how come you don't hear the Ninja Turtles theme song anywhere in the game? What a piece of shit."
"What a shitload of fuck!"
His revelation about the tiny gap at the ceiling that he was trying to jump between:
AVGN: You can just... walk over it. (sighs slowly) You are scum. (drinks Rolling Rock)
- Leading to his now-immortal rant at the end.
AVGN: Cowabunga...COWA-FUCKING-PIECE-OF-DOG-SHIT! This game is diarrhea coming out of my dick. This game is as appealing as a fucking ooze-infested dirty fucking sewer rat shit. I've had more fun playing with dog turds. Shredder's my ass and Splinter's my balls. This game is an inside-out asshole regurgitating putrid anal fecal matter. I'd rather fucking yank all the hairs out of my scrotum. I'd rather drink diarrhea vomited out of a buffalo's anus. It sucking fucks, it fucking sucks, it fucking blows, it's a piece of shit...and I don't like it.

Back to the Future

What opens the review:
AVGN: This game is horrible!
(clip from Back to the Future of Doc Brown screaming)
When describing one of the enemies:
AVGN: I never knew a hula-hoop girl could be so deadly. Why does she want to kill Marty anyway?
Marty: He's an asshole!
And:
AVGN: Just leave me alone! I'm trying to collect clocks!
AVGN: Now if you actually have the patience to get through the Cafe stage, guess what's next? More walking!
(Clip from Back to the Future part II where Marty's at his father's grave)
Marty: No! Oh please God, NO!
"Back to the Future II & III: Two shitty games for the price of one."
The fact that a good part of the first verse of his intro made its debut in this video: namely, "[I'd] rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in my ear", as well as "[I'd] rather eat out the rotted asshole of a roadkilled skunk")

McKids

The Nerd on Ronald McDonald:
"I always thought that clown was one scary motherfucker..."
"Here's Grimace, the big purple fuck..."
- Saying that Grimace's house looks like "Barney the Dinosaur's testicle".
When he notices his character moving across water quite easily:
"Why is this guy walking on water? Who does he think he is: Jesus Christ?"
Upon seeing Birdie:
"Stupid feathered fucking bird bitch..."
"Fuckballs!"
"Oh God! Look, a Mcflurry man! Those guys are badass!"
Referring to the Professor as one of Ronald's stoner friends.
His thoughts on CosMic:
"I guess there's nothing more you can expect, but a shitty character like that."
After getting killed by a flying green enemy.
"Assballs!"

Wally Bear and the NO! Gang

AVGN depicting how dumb you'd have to be when you need a "PRESS HERE" sign on an NES cartridge:
*slams cartridge against the NES vertically* "Duhh, how do I put the game in?"
"So anyway, we start off with the title screen of a deformed bear with sunglasses riding a skateboard."
His thoughts on the music.
Nerd: The music in this game just fuckin' sucks. I mean, no bad game is complete without some auditory shit that makes you want to puke. You'd rather listen to your only infant child choking to death."
In the Higher Quality episode, the Nerd calls a Wally Bear hotline.
(closes flip phone)
Nerd: Fuck that! It's creepin' me out, it's like listening to a ghost!

Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu

Shit Pickle.
The Nerd's sarcastic statement that the ending is one of the best in video game history. It's not.
When the Nerd asks for Shit Pickle's opinion:
Nerd: So what do you think?
Shit Pickle: Shit!
Nerd: Exactly.

Top Gun

Near the end, he attempts to land the plane one last time. The entire sequence is silent, save for the white noise of the video game sound effects. Then as the plane gets closer and closer to the carrier, it cuts back to his excited face, but right at the last second, it crashes into the water. Then...
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSS!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!"

Double Dragon 3

"Bimmy and Jimmy? Bimmy's not even a real name!"
His reasoning behind the increased difficulty and lack of any lives, continues or saves:
AVGN (in early period Jersey accent): "I guess they were trying to make this one 'realistic'. Like, if in real life, if you went out onto the streets to fight this many people at the same time, you'd get your ass handed to ya. And if you die once, that's it, you're brown bread. You're not comin' back. You can't fuck around with this game."
The ending, where he gets game over: "Fuck. What a piece of fucking goddamn shit. (Beat) ...Fuck."

Friday The 13th

His jab at Castlevania III:
AVGN: Even Jason's mom makes an appearance. Do you know who she reminds me of? Those annoying fucking Medusas from Simon's Quest. Oh wait, I'm talking about Castlevania III. What, I hate that game TOO?....... Well anyway...
The dark game over screen prompts AVGN to come up with an idea for the theoretical sequel's game over screen. The results? This:
You're dead. Your friends are dead. Your family's dead. Your fucking pets are being skinned alive. Your mom's a fucking whore. You suck at life. The whole world hates you. You're going to hell. Live with it. Game Over.
The way he rips on the game in Sarcasm Mode, trying desperately to spin all the game's faults into perks in order to keep Jason off his back. And when he tries to gives his earnest opinion on it when he thinks Jason isn't watching, Jason catches him and puts him in a chokehold, forcing him to apologize.
AVGN: I was just kidding! I was just kidding! I swear... I swear to God, I was just kidding! I was just kidding! It's not a shitload of fuck! It's not... a shitload of fuck..."
In an underrated moment, when the Nerd is trying to open the door, we see him undo the lock on the doorknob, then the lock above it. He then starts to open it...when it turns out there's still a latch on the door.
- When Jason finally catches up to him:
AVGN: Don't kill me!
Jason: *shows the cartridge, "telling" him to play it again*
AVGN: ... Kill me!
After he snaps and is in full-on rant mode, he starts out his list of favorable alternatives with two that are both effective and surprisingly non-profane:
Nerd: I'd rather play Doom on Atari! I'd rather play Halo on a Tiger Electronic wrist game!
"This game... is FUCKING. HORRIBLE!" *chucks it against the door, then chugs two Rolling Rocks at once*
The Nerd being jumpscared by Jason, along with the comment he makes afterwards:
Nerd: WOAH! Well, he scared the shit out of me... and now he's fighting me like in Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!
The Nerd on Jason X:
"And then they went on to make it all the way up to number 10, known as Jason X, where he's in outer space. But, that's another story."

A Nightmare On Elm Street

The opening confrontation with Freddy Krueger:
Freddy:: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
AVGN:: No! ... No!
Freddy: You like Nintendo?
AVGN: (nods his head) Uh-huh...
Freddy:: You like to play shitty games?
AVGN: No!
Freddy: Har-har-har! Ya fuckin' nerd! Ya wanna play some Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?
AVGN: No! No! No!
Freddy: (holds up a NES cartridge) Or, do ya wanna play MY game, bitch?
- A comment on the higher quality video points out exactly why this is hilarious in the wake of the Friday the 13th review. Completely in line with the characters' personalities, Jason genuinely thinks his game is good and gets mad when people hate it, but Freddy knows his game is terrible and forces people to play it to torture them.
"This game is my fucking nightmare!"
The Nerd takes notice of the title screen's weird depiction of Freddy's knives (where they're actually coming out of his hand, instead of being part of a glove) and tries to explain it:
Nerd: Now, I think I might actually have an explanation for this. In the movie, Nightmare Part 2... nah, they just fucked up.
- It's even funnier when you learn in the commentary that James actually did have an explanation, but decided to leave it at "Nah, they just fucked up."
Some of Freddy's commentary while the Nerd is reviewing the game.
(complains about the game not giving you any indication where to go)
Freddy: Ha! Figure THAT out!
(complains about the collectibles blending in with the background)
Freddy: Ooh, yeah! PLAY that SHITTY game!
(explains how the sleep meter works)
Freddy: Ain't THAT a bitch?!
Describing how badass the main character is for defeating spiders and snakes by simply punching them. You can hear him trying to control laughter while calling them "Assholes".
Nerd: Spiders! (Shows spider plush) PUNCH 'EM! (Does so, complete with sound effects) Snakes! Oh, you want some too? (beats toy snake down to the ground)
His little rant about the enemies being cliché.
Nerd: What the fuck are these?! Lollipop ghosts with stick arms? Were the enemies in this game designed by some kindergarten kid for Halloween? I'm surprised they don't have skeletons, too. (a skeleton enemy appears) They actually do have skeletons. What the fuck? Could the villains be any more stock? Like, we have this creepy game about Freddy. What kind of creepy characters can we add? Well how about bats, ghosts, spiders, skeletons, and Frankensteins for the kiddies? Could it be anymore uncreative than that? Like why they don't they just add some witches, black cats, and flying jack-o'-lanterns. They should've just called the game: "Boo! Haunted House!"
Him pointing out how the trademark symbol ruins the cheesy "Freddy's Coming" screen.
At one point, AVGN clones himself to demonstrate the game's 4 player multiplayer. All four of them start complaining about the game at the same time.
Nerd: To hell with that shit!
Clone 1: To hell with that... damn shit!
Clone 2: To hell with that damn... fuckin' shit!
Clone 3: ...TO HELL WITH THAT GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKIN' BULLSHIT!
Clone 2: ...Relax.
- He and his 3 clones debate over what to do to the game before finally deciding to defecate on it.
Clone: I don't gotta take a shit, you gotta take a shit?
Other Clone: I gotta take a shit!
Nerd: Then take that shit!
Later, when Freddy cuts a Nerd clone to pieces, the clone is somehow able to flip him off with his severed hand.
When Freddy takes on the appearance of the Nerd (because the Nerd is his own worst nightmare), he says this line: WHOA, LOOK ME AT ME!! I'M A FUCKING NERD!!!. The Nerd's face is priceless.

The Power Glove

The title card for this episode is hilarious, where the Nerd punches himself in the face with the glove.
The Nerd trying to set up the sensors for the Power Glove, specifically after he types in the code and it cuts to the right sensor falling off the TV.
Nerd: Fuck!
Nerd: (playing Double Dragon) It's easier to do a handstand while taking a shit.
- He gets so frustrated with the controls that he takes the glove off and holds the glove like a regular NES controller: "What's the point of this?!"
The Nerd's struggle to go down the stairs in Castlevania (1986).
Nerd: Come on, go down. Don't go up the steps, go down the steps. Don't go up the steps, go down! Don't go up the fuckin' steps, go down you f— Aww..how the fuck am I going up there again?!
Nerd: (playing Castlevania (1986)) Oh good luck, I'm gonna fall into the water and die. (He does so) Fuck!
His funniest moment has to be when he picks up his copy of Castlevania II: Simon's Quest- his first game review. If you saw it, you're well aware he really hates the shit out of that game and wouldn't dare play it again. So what does he do?
Nerd: (Holding the cartridge with a menacing Death Glare) Castlevania II: Simon's Quest... There's only one way to play this with the Power Glove... (PUNCH!)
Nerd: (playing Bubble Bobble) If you're trying to pop the bubbles, good luck! Sucks monkey fuck! (pops into view) Sucks monkey fuck!
(while playing Zelda II: The Adventure of Link, he's in a house)
Nerd: (in front of a NPC) All right, well, do I really want to bother to talk to him? Nah, not really. (dialogue box keeps activating) No, I don't! Come on, I really, I was, I'm serious. I really, I don't want to talk to you. Go, leave the, leave the fucking cabin, or house, or whatever the fuck it is. Come on, keep walkin'. (he walks by a house and goes in) Oh there we go. I didn't really mean to go in there.
Loading an NES cartridge with his middle finger.
Rad Racer not only with the Power Glove, but also the 3D mode, complete with the red and blue glasses.
"I'm playing Rad Racer with the Power Glove and 3D glasses. You can't get any more 'Rad' than that!"
Nerd: (playing Top Gun) Wow, I'm playing Top Gun with the Power Glove. It's like puking on a pile of shit.
The Nerd finally succeeds in landing the plane in Top Gun by using the glove. His dumbfounded face is priceless.
Doubles as Genius Bonus and Achievements in Ignorance after Back to the Future Re-Revisited. The Nerd explains that the UP/DOWN!!! instructions are useless, as the correct coordinates are listed for you at the bottom of the screen. Ignoring the UP/DOWN and going by the numbers makes the sequence much easier. If you watch the numbers while the Nerd is playing with the Glove, you can see that he is in fact in the ballpark and that the landing is genuine, as is the Nerd's bafflement.
"I lost to Glass Joe. I lost...to Glass Joe."
(while playing Contra) "Try doing the Contra code with this fucking thing." The arm movements he does to imitate the famous "Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start" code are priceless.
Nerd: If you want to bring a totally new element of challenge to your Nintendo games, try the Power Glove, 'cause it sure makes everything a lot harder. It's just a barely functional contraption designed to rip off little kids. It's the biggest scam since the Atari 5200 controller. The only kids who owned this were usually the richer ones who thought they were cool. Well, they're not cool. I'm not cool, either. Look at me. You think I'm cool? I've got a fucking glove on my hand. I'm trying to play a fucking game with it. I look like an idiot with a fistful of shit. (Pretends to shoot his fingers off with the grey 1985 NES Zapper, leaving only his middle finger, which he flashes.)
Nerd: (playing Super Mario Bros.) All right, Mario, you don't have to keep jumping. At least he made it over the Goomba; you were lucky, ya fuck.
"Now you're playing with power. Now you're playing with fucking shit! You're better off fucking shit than fucking with this fucked-up shit! Fuck this shit! You don't know shit about how fucking shitty this fucking shit is. It's so bad, it sucks! It's so fucking suck it fucks! And I... can't take it anymore."

Chronologically Confused About Bad Movie and Video Game Sequel Titles

When discussing the long wait for Street Fighter III, he says there eventually was a Street Fighter III, "like nine million versions of it."^Note
Claiming that the most accurate title for Star Trek: Generations should've been Star Trek VII/The Next Generation Part I.
Spock: Most... illogical.
The Nerd being confused about Naked Gun 33⅓, thinking it was actually the 33rd title in the series and that 3-32 are missing.

Rocky

In the original intro, the nerd is so pumped up to see the upcoming Rocky Balboa movie that he has all five Rocky movies playing in his house at the same time.
After training Rocky for a really long time before the match even begins: "Cock-a-fuckin'-doodle ass shit-suckin' ball fuck! This is fuckin' boring!"
When reviewing the overly-complicated controls in the manual:
Nerd: It's a bunch of putrid anal shit coming out of a rhinoceros's asshole. It fucks up the ass, shits out the mouth, piss out the nose, dookie out the ear, diarrhea out the dick, shits for the birds. The control in this game... is poo-poo.
How the original version ends:
Mickey: It's a waste of life!
Nerd: It's like... a waste of life.
Mickey: I SAID THAT BEFORE, YA DUMB DAGO!

Bible Games

The fake video game "The Book of Genesis." A Sega Genesis game based on the Book of Genesis with licensed Genesis songs, such as "Invisible Touch".
The whole Bible Adventures game, especially with Noah carrying the animals into the ark in "Noah's Ark".
- The Nerd being marveled by Noah's strength:
  AVGN: (Noah picks up a cow) I just can't get over that. He's an old man, and not only does he pick the animals up, he lifts them over his head! It doesn't even slow him down! How can an old man be so strong? Noah's so goddamn strong, he puts The Hulk to shame! Noah, man...nobody fucks with him. Not even Chuck Norris!
- Noah having to chase the monkeys down:
  AVGN: What a sight. An old man climbing up a tree chasing monkeys. It's quite ridiculous.
- From "David and Goliath":
  AVGN: [both the lion and the squirrel get knocked out] What? What happened? Did you see that? That lion just fell flat on his ass! And, he fell at the same time as the squirrel. So, who knocked them both out? Well, let's take a look at the whole replay and see what happened. Here, we see the squirrel throw an acorn. It clobbers the lion. BAM! Now, let's back up a bit. Just before he gets hit, this other squirrel throws another acorn, which comes right back down, and BAM! He knocked himself out with his own acorn. Dumb shit.
- The weird sound effects that a sheep makes, which the Nerd mimics.
- And his "imitation" sounds like the sound effect of a boss character getting hit with a superball in Super Mario Land.
- Also:
  AVGN: [trying to catch sheep] Come on, you damn sheep. I'm not gonna hurt you. Sheepy, sheepy! [in higher-pitched tone] Sheepy, sheepy, sheepy! [in normal voice] Fuck this! I feel like a stupid asshole going after all these sheep for no reason.
- And:
  AVGN: The most fun I have in this game is watching that weird squirrel. I'm telling you, that squirrel does some weird shit. One minute, it's sleeping, then it runs up and over the tree, and— [sees a squirrel climb up the sky because of some glitches] Oh my God! Look at that! It's a flying squirrel. Or, it's like climbing the sky! [squirrel vanishes] Where'd it go? [David jumps, and the squirrel reappears before it disappears again, for good this time] Oh, there it is! Wow. They were on drugs when they made this game.
Also, in Bible Buffet:
AVGN: It's so rare to hear such a clear voice in a Nintendo game. But, I also suppose it's rare for Nintendo to have a Bible game with no references to the Bible, resembling Atari that's all about food trying to kill you. Yet it's also a board game rip-off with quizzes that you can't answer. And, if it's a Bible game, why do you blow a snowman's head off? Whatever happened to "Thou Shalt Not Kill"? Please, somebody tell me. What the hell am I playing? I kinda like it, but I gotta turn it off before I go insane.
Super 3D Noah's Ark: The Nerd's interpretation of the gameplay:
AVGN: Why do you shoot them [the goats] with a slingshot? I think that would actually make them more angry. I can't even see what you're supposed to be shooting at them anyway. It just looks invisible. It's supposed to be food, I guess, but why does it put the animals to sleep? Well, I guess Noah shoots the food so hard that it knocks the animals unconscious.
When the Nerd plays "Flight to Egypt" for three seconds:
"It's bad."
The parody of one Christmas Song, "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town":
He's playing some games, the worst he recalls.
He's gonna find out which ones suck the most balls.
The Angry Video Game Nerd is here!
Oh, he's making a list, and checking it twice,
He's gonna go home and eat chicken and rice.
The Angry Video Game Nerd is here!
He hates the games that stink;
He knows which games to break.
He just might even hate them all,
'Cause he's mad for fuckin' sake!
You'd better watch out, don't give these games a try;
You'd better not play 'em, he's telling you why.
The Angry Video Game Nerd is here!

Funny / The Angry Video Game Nerd Season One

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