The Angry Video Game Nerd Season Five / Funny

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Action 52

The Nerd begins the review by saying that he gets requests for this game all the time, such as:
Nerd: "Fuck this game, please do a review of it. You asshole. Thanks." Wow, I guess I gotta do it now.
"Out of the way, you fucking ghosts! Here comes Mrs. Tits, jumping like she's on the moon!"
"Oh, fucking hell, there's a menorah shooting Q-tips! GET OUTTA THE WAY!"
"You know what's more fun than playing Action 52? 52-card pickup. You know how you play that? *tosses deck of cards on ground* Pick up the cards!"
The Nintoaster. Also a Moment of Awesome.
Nerd: It's a NinToaster. And yes, it works.
"Oops, dead end. What the shit? You can't go back? I'm trapped? You're shitting me! This game is shitting me." *cue the cartridge doing exactly that*
His reaction to the title of #4: G-Force FGT, as we all know what word he's thinking of as opposed to the "Fighters" the abbreviation is supposed to mean.
Nerd: G-Force...what?
"This guy doesn't understand the basic concept of a hooker. You're supposed to fuck her, not fuck her up."
- "DIE, BOOB LADY!"
All his imaginative interpretations of the game's vaguely designed sprites. Vacuum cleaners (In SPACE) crop up a lot.
- It only gets worse when Game #12, "Thrusters", glitches out.
  Nerd: I can't decipher anything...
  (the graphics glitch out)
  Nerd: Especially when the game starts having a fucking seizure!
The safety pins.
Nerd: "Safety pins as enemies in a video game... Where do they come up with this stuff?"
Programmer Nerd: "Gee, what kind of enemy could I have for this game? I have 32 games left I have to program, so I have to hurry up. (picks up a safety pin) Ah, safety pin! That'll be perfect! (types code in) Next game."
The look on his face when he falls into the newbie trap at the beginning of Starevil.
Nerd: Who's gonna dodge that? Nobody! Not the first time!
His opinion on TV censorship.
Nerd: Whoever came up with this is an asshole!
TV Version Nerd: Whoever came up with this is an ass*bleep*! Ass! Hole? Ass*bleep*. Television makes a lot of sense.
His immediate reaction to Time Warp Tickers. Conveying "what the fuck" as much as possible with nothing but an expression.
For some reason, just his understated reaction to the lack of enemies in the games.
Nerd: Game #15: "Sharks." Yeah, sharks. ...sometimes sharks... most of the time not.
The glorious return of Shit Pickle.
His reaction to Game #16: Megalonia:
Nerd: Another space shooter?! Flying through McDonald's arches?! No thanks!
This exchange when playing "Critical Bypass":
Nerd: Oh, Critical Bypass! It's critical that you bypass this game!
His reaction to #28: Crybaby:
Nerd: By now, you'd be crying. So it's like the game is mocking you.
When playing "Storm Over the Desert", this hilarious exchange happens when he sees a giant soldier/Saddam Hussein:
Nerd: What the hell? A giant Saddam Hussein? How did they fuck up the scale rating so bad?! The soldiers aren't giant, so why Saddam?
When playing Game #10, "Operation: Full Moon", he finds the graphics look puke-green, and thinks that the game ate Silver Sword and barfed it out.
When playing "Lazer League":
Nerd: Number #39: Lazer League. Well, I'm glad they spelled laser with a Z, that's how you say it, you don't say "la-ser". By the way, 2-D horizontal space shooter. Next.
His reaction to Non-Human:
Nerd: Well, isn't that an appropriate title. Everything about these games is non-human!
His reaction to "Chill Out":
Nerd: Well, I wish I could chill out! [...] This game doesn't even care it sucks!
Hambo:
Nerd: A pig version of Rambo? No, that would've been too clever.
Evil Empire: When the Nerd notices a lot of activity on a nearby platform:
Nerd: Look at that. There's some crazy shit going on over there. I wanna join the party. (falls off platform and collapses) Oops, dying in mid-air. I can understand dying from falling from too great a height, but can't they at least let you die when you hit the ground?!
His reaction to dying in ''Me Ong.''
Nerd: What the fuck?
When playing #40: Billy Bob:
Nerd: Of course, I should have learned. In Action 52, you cannot jump down. You will hit the air so hard you will die.
When playing #42 Bits and Pieces. A monster game where all you do is jump, and jump, and jump over monsters.

Nerd: You know what would be nice? An attack! Or how about a health bar? How about anything like a normal fucking game!?! What were they thinking?!?

When playing #50 Ninja Assault.
Nerd: Another beat-em-up. If you can even call it that. No strategy just mash buttons. ((Ninja goes "Paaw" whenever he attacks and the Nerd starts to mimic the sound)
After the Nerd attempts #51: Robbie and the Robots, his hands shake on the controller with anger before he lets loose the full extent of his rage:
Nerd: I can't believe they sold this shitfest for $199! That's about how much it costs for a video game console, pretty much. You could take $199, stand on a bridge and just throw it all away. You'd rather do anything than spend it on a broken-down, dysfunctional disaster of video game programming!
With games that crash, hideous jumping control, random characters, microscopic sprites, a marathon of mediocre space shooters, dying in mid-air, problems with proportions, misleading titles, misleading power-ups, embarrassing weapons, seizure-inducing backgrounds, lack of enemies, games you can't win, games you can't lose, games that make no sense whatsoever, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty menus, and a fuckton of other things, it should have been illegal for them to sell this rotten shitload of putrid fuck for any price!
I feel humiliated to live on the same planet as someone who designed an electronic abomination of this magnitude! Could they have tried making one good game as opposed to fifty-two horrible games? Quality over Quantity, that's our lesson here.

Cheetahmen

His reaction of finding out that Cheetahmen is no better than any other game on Action 52.
Nerd: IT SUCKS! MONKEY! BUTTS! LIKE ALL! THE FUCKIN'! REST!... Okay. Let's go.
The reveal of a secret/glitch after he falls down a pit that should supposedly kill him.
Nerd: Wait a minute... a 1-up? And it skips me to the next level? Aw, kick-fuckin'-ASS! Life is kinda cool sometimes.
After the Nerd explains how you can exploit the game's mechanics to beat the bosses that are otherwise impossible to beat.
Nerd: It's like the only way to beat this game is to cheat! Guess that's why it's called "Cheat-ah-men."
"If they made Cheetahmen vs. Chester Cheetah, that shit would be the motherfuckin' ass."
His reaction on using the secret "Jump Glitch":
Nerd: You know what, game? All this shit you put me through for the first two levels? Now it's my turn! Yeah, wanna play dumbass? Well, double-dumbass on you, motherfucker! You swine! You son of a motherless goat!
The Nerd is fighting the monkey boss, when suddenly they bump against each other in a certain manner.
Nerd: "Whoa, speaking of monkey fuck."
Then the boss just disappears.
Nerd: Heeeeeee's... not coming back, is he?
When playing "Appleseed":
Nerd: Aw, shit, motherfuckers! Damn apples coming out of trees so fast, mother-fuckers!
His reaction to seeing a dog getting graphically killed in the Sega Genesis version of Action 52.
- Immediately after, another game in the collection has a bunch of dead cats on the road that you have to avoid. The Nerd is appalled. ^Note
Nerd: Tell me. If you're programming a video game and you have a choice of all the things that could be on the road, like mufflers, puddles of oil, traffic cones, hubcaps, fallen trash cans, open manholes, of ALL the things you could put there, why does your imagination go straight to dead cats?
Describing the Genesis Cheetahmen music as "something you'd hear if somebody slipped on a banana peel."
"...But you know what the really good news is? I'M DONE WITH ACTION 52!!"

Game Glitches

The intro, which is appropriately glitchy. More funny, or scary, if you thought your computer froze.
Kyle Justin: He's gonna take you b... (long pause) ...ack to the past... (a clip from the Karate Kid video plays twice) to play the (stuttering) shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii... ty games that suck ass... (Smash to Black).
The sequence right after the intro. Set to a music track from Blaster Master, it shows the nerd inserting a Pac-Man cartridge into his NES console, only to end up being flabbergasted by the game's graphics and text being partially corrupted, such as the word "Player" being written as "Playar". He then attempts to insert and play Super Team Games instead, which then proceeds to crash at the title screen with a hilariously scrambled display.
The Nerd pulls out Cheetahmen II one last time because he activated a glitch that allowed him to play the two hidden levels in the game.
Nerd: Now, if I ever have to talk about Action 52 and Cheetahmen again, I'm gonna staple my fucking ball sack to the ceiling.
The Call-Back to his Super Mario Bros. 3 review. "The gremlin prefers to stay away from this game. It's a bit too crowded with demonic possessions."
All of the Rocky character glitches.
- When the Glitch Gremlin turns the audience into glitches and makes the fighters disappear.
Gremlin: In this corner, weighing in at 0 pounds, 0 ounces: nothing! And in this corner, we've got...much of the same: nothing!
- The audio glitch that causes a Broken Record announcer.
Announcer: Next up is a fight, next up is a fight, next up is a fight...
- When the game returns after the Nerd tries cleaning it.
Gremlin: In this corner, we have... Bug-Eyed Balboa!
Nerd: What happened to his mouth?
Gremlin: His eyes are poppin' out! And in that corner, we have Spider Rico... with no jaw!
Nerd: They're like zombies. What is this: Rocky the Undead Edition? You are one sick fuck.
- The Clubber Lang one.
Gremlin: Let's see what else I got up my sleeves. Oh, I'm not wearing any, but for my final showstopper, feast your eyes... on this!
(Clubber Lang comes out looking like... this.)
Nerd: (Jaw Drop, controller falls from hands) It's a Clubber Fuck!

Zelda II: The Adventure of Link

The episode opens with the Nerd stating that he has so many bad games to talk shit about, and that one of the ones he gets a lot of requests for is Zelda II: The Adventure of Link. Cue Record Needle Scratch.
Nerd: Really? That's a bad game? I thought it was pretty good. I mean look at it, it's gold.
His tangent about how ridiculously named the monsters from the first Zelda game were:
Nerd: What do you call that? A rabbit's head? (buzzer) Wrong, a Pols Voice. What's that? A mummy? (buzzer) Gibdo. What's that? A ghost? (buzzer) Ghini. What's that? Well, it's kinda like.... like.... (ding-ding-ding-ding!) What? It's called a Like Like? Yeah, I'm not making this up. This is all coming straight from the manual. What do you call that? A snake? (buzzer) Wrong, it's called Rope. Yeah, really. If you can't tell the difference between a snake and a rope, you're in trouble. What's that? A bat? (buzzer) No, it's Keese. What do you call the keys then? Bats? What's that? A knight? (buzzer) A Darknut. Well then, what's that? Uh, a... a geiger counselman? (buzzer) Oh, a rock. What's that? A spider? (buzzer) A Tektite. Now what the fuck is a Tektite? Is that even a real word? Let me look it up. (finding Tektite in the dictionary) Yeah, it is. Tektite: Any of several kinds of small glassy bodies, in various forms, occurring in Australia and elsewhere, now believed to have been produced by the impact of meteorites on the earth's surface. Yeah, or a spider.
The Nerd's reaction to the Game Over screen:
Ganon: Ha ha ha ha!
AVGN: Huh huh, huh huh, FUCK you.
The Nerd brings up the infamous "I am Error" oddity, but offers an Alternative Character Interpretation (Though it's not as much "alternate" as "actually spot on", minus the "e-roar" part):
AVGN: Well, maybe that's just his name, that's all. Maybe it's pronounced "e-roar".
Also, when a lady in red invites Link over to restore his health:
AVGN: (Link) learns the Down-Thrust, the Up-Thrust, and here, he learns the Cunt-Thrust. Yeah, that should be the name of a band.
The Nerd wondering what Link was doing standing in front of Zelda's comatose body: "Awww no...Link's a poon hound."
The expressions he makes while trying to keep track of where he's going in Death Mountain.
The two scenes where he turns Link into a fairy at the top of the screen, followed by the return of the Glitch Gremlin.
Gremlin: Mmm, glitches. You like 'em?
Nerd: Noooo...
...
Nerd: I fell through the floor!?
Gremlin: (singing and dancing) I fell through the floor. Through the floor. Through the floor. Through the floor.
Nerd: I don't wanna go through the floor. But then again what do you expect if you turn into a fairy when you're high? High up or high on drugs. Either way, you'll see glitches.
The part where he has a hard time killing a skull.
Nerd: You'll kill your thumbs faster than you'll kill this thing.
When he talks about how the flute's use is different, the first game's Link uses the aforementioned item to teleport in front of Zelda II's Link and light him on fire.
Nerd: What the fuck?
"These guys peek their heads out over the fence like Tim the Toolman's neighbor, and throw rocks! That's child's stuff! I mean, come on, throwing rocks."
Just the way he says this while fighting Dark Link.
Nerd: He mimics your every move and will kick your ass.
"I have better luck trying to fight my own shadow!" Cue him trying to beat his shadow on a wall, dislodging a poster and hurting one of his hands.
At the end of the video, the Nerd says that using the Power Glove would only make the game much more challenging than it already is... only to inadvertently make subtle movements on his Power Glove hand to defeat the final boss and show the ending, and all while he's saying how good but impossibly hard the game is and how he'll never beat it as long as he lives. He then turns off the TV and walks away...only to run back and switch it on as he realizes he's beaten the game. Can also be considered a Moment of Awesome.
- Also funny when you notice that his movement inputs are unintentionally exploiting an infamous corner crouch glitch for the final boss.
The animated adaptation has lots of great visual comedy, especially with the Bait-and-Switch moment with the lady in red.

Back to the Future Re-Revisited

After completing Top Gun's final mission, the game forces him to land on the carrier one last time. This time, he says he knows what to do, but given the unforgiving controls during landings, he overshoots the carrier... and his jet keeps going out of the TV screen, up past his wall, and breaks through his glass window to fly outside. The prolonged landing sound effect really sells it.
"Hey, if someone sees that plane, can you let me know?"
- "Can't let those fuckers go to space."
- Doubles as Genius Bonus, Achievements in Ignorance and Rewatch Bonus for the Power Glove Episode. If you watch the numbers while the Nerd is playing with the Glove, you can see that he is in fact in the ballpark and that the landing is genuine, as is the Nerd's bafflement.
His mocking of the Star Wars special editions, with The Nerd wanting the M.C. Kids review to have a dance segment with the McDonald's mascots along with Skeletor and Dracula à la the CGI dance segment in the re-release of Return of the Jedi.
He calls Jessica Rabbit's phone number 20 years after the game came out. His reaction to finding out it's a sex line is priceless.
Sex hotline voice: No credit card? Try collect call back. Dial 1-215-SEX-TALK (the Nerd gets a shocked look) and we'll call you right back. Connecting you to hot live talk with horny students, housewives and workin' girls. That's 1-2-1-5-S-E-X...
Nerd: ...Wow. Um, the number has definitely changed. And we now have a Nintendo game... that gives a phone number... to a sex hotline. (beat) That is fuckin' awesome.
- For added hilarity, watch the commentary where Mike is talking about how he really doesn't feel like doing title cards anymore, it unintentionally synchs up with the footage of The Nerd on the phone discovering the sex hotline, making it look like James is on the phone speaking to Mike and reacting in horror to Mike dismissing the title cards.
"Hey, I'm getting deja vu here!" When inserting the cartridge into the Nintoaster, cut to where he put the cartridge in a toaster the first time.
His question on the origin of the Back to the Future games:
"Was this game even made by a human being, or did they feed it into a computer just so it could shit out this nonsensical fuck-poop?"
He says that Back to the Future doesn't have "Johnny B. Goode", but inspects it closer:
Nerd: Okay, wait a minute. It is Johnny B. Goode. On crack.
While playing Back to the Future II & III: "Don't be so fuck."
- When describing how the game is played:
Nerd: After all that bullshit, you finally get the item, and now you have to find where to take it. I know where the game designers can take it, but that's another story.
His description of the colors of the LJN Rainbow:
"Purple for 'Putrid Gameplay,' Blue for 'Bad Musical Abominations,' Green for 'Graphical Farts and Garlic,' Yellow for 'Piss-Poor Lack of Loyalty to Source Material,' Orange for 'Orange you a fucking idiot!,' and Red for 'High-stress Anger-Inducing Masochism'! Put that all together, and you've got all the colors of the shit rainbow. Hooray, LJN!"
When he dies again in Back to the Future III on Sega Genesis:
"YOU FUCKING PROCESSING, STOP BEING SO BLAST!"
- Acting out what it's like to try to memorize the whole first level in Back to the Future III:
  Nerd: Jump! Uh, jump again! Duck! Uh, shoot... whatwas- oh FUCK!
"(Ghost) Riders in the Sky" being completely ruined for him due to it being the only song in the game (or more accurately, the only song in Stage 1, which he can't get past):
Nerd: Oh, and that FUCKING song. I am so sick of hearing that. Next time I hear (Ghost) Riders in the Sky, I'm going to think about going a hundred miles per hour on a horse, jumping crates and getting shot at and shit!
The Nerd's montage of "fucks" accompanied by his various deaths.
The Nerd eventually gives up on Back to the Future III and hits the TV with his pillow, then does a Skyward Scream.
When the Nerd discovers that there was a good Back to the Future game, but it was only released in Japan:
Nerd: What the FUCK is wrong with this fucking world?! We get THESE shitty games, but not THAT one? Like, what the hell?! Why would you do that? It's good! I mean, it's not great, but it's the best goddamn Back to the Future game I ever played! It's actually a GAME! Why bury the gem and dig up the turd? Innocent people have suffered through these fuckin' fuckheaps! People have developed fuckititis from this shit! People have gone on to live horrible lives, kicking babies in the balls! If you would have went back in time and said to people, "Hey, hey, there's a good Back to the Future game. Put this shit down, and go to Japan!", they would have looked at you like you were telling them to go teabag a goat on the surface of Mars.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Re-Revisited

Even after six years, the Nerd still hasn't gotten over the shock, as shown by him delaying the review for about two minutes and switching from his usual Rolling Rock beer to a bottle of whiskey.
His reaction to Jekyll killing a bee....
Nerd: *kills a bee* (grumpily) ...What happened? (excitedly) I killed a bee? *kills another bee* I killed something! The only thing you kill in the entire game...and it's a little, TINY, STUPID, FUCKING BEE!
"Watch out for the bird shit- wha-wha-wha-WHAT?!! *shows birds pooping* It's definitely shit in a Nintendo game!"
- "...Now there's birds shitting into the piss fountain!"
"'Oh sorry, honey, I'm late...I had quite a day... The whole, all the whole living creatures in THE WHOLE FUCKING TOWN TRIED TO KILL ME, that's all!' What makes him think that the Church is gonna be any better? Is the priest gonna throw candles at him? Is Jesus gonna come off the fucking cross and start hitting him with it!?".
- His sudden shift from lamenting Jekyll's situation to astonishment, when he spots a pissing cherub fountain.
  "Is that statue taking a piss...? (zooms) It's taking a piss!"
Before that, he starts to wonder what everybody thinks about Dr. Jekyll and why they're all pissed off at him:
"Yeah, I see Jekyll. Ya see him? Ya see him walking? He just keeps...fucking walking! I don't like him. He's an asshole! He wears his underwear backwards! He has eyeballs for testicles!"
He ends the review with an epiphany about the game, logically pointing out its flaws as having actual purpose to it....only to conclude that the game "fucking sucks".

Lester The Unlikely

"What's so threatening about a fucking turtle!? Run, Lester, run! Get away from that turtle! That turtle might charge really fast!"
The Nerd's confusion over Lester's animations.
Lester: [Lester shakes his head] No.
Nerd: What's he doing? [continues forward and Lester quivers] What the hell's that about?
"What is he humping the air now?"
- Shortly after:
  Nerd: The air humping, I don't know what that does. But you can't hump the turtle. I'm trying to jump on this thing, but it's not working.
The Nerd temporarily going Gosh Dang It to Heck! during the cave stage.
"Augh, doody!!"
Lester desperately running away from a group of bats.
The Nerd's hypothetical descriptions of how the series would've evolved:
Nerd: I can imagine what Lester the Unlikely 2 would've been like. The game would start... and you couldn't even move! All that happens, Lester pulls down his pants, sucks his thumb and... takes a shit? The third game, you couldn't even get past the title screen. All that happens, you push Start, and Lester falls down and farts. The fourth game... doesn't even work at all. You just put it in your Super Nintendo... and it explodes. The fifth game isn't even a game, it's just... a bag of shit that says Lester the Unlikely 5 on it. And there's a new one comin' on the PS4, using the latest state-of-the-art technology of constructing the disc out of orangutan diarrhea. Just turned out that was the only way, and it really gives Blu-ray a run for its money.
"I'd rather fuck the Wicked Witch of the West [...] This nerd makes me look like Charles Bronson. Steve Urkel could beat the shit out of this guy."
Playing The Flowers of Robert Mapplethorpe. Just this...
"Now he's afraid of totem poles?? This guy sucks!"
The ending speech the Nerd gives on the game:
"And the original Lester will always be a classic that's improved like wine. Wine that's made from fermented rat piss with the fine aroma of the dead, fly-swarmed carcass of a three-day-old deer, with the delicate, crisp flavor of skunk farts with highlights of ass sweat. The palette is rich with hints of residual dried poop-crust from a truck-stop bathroom. Goes down with the long lasting finish of fly-covered summer harbor trash."
Deciding he's gone off all games and to watch TV instead. At the time, US TV had just switched over from analog signal to digital, and the Nerd's old TV, naturally, only picks up analog signals. It just produces static, causing him to remark "TV nowadays sucks!"...before settling down to watch the static anyway.

How The Nerd Stole Christmas

"I'd rather eat deceased skunk yeast than play inferior arcade ports like Altered Beast (1988). Altered Beast is a nut-kicking feast I can't stand in the least."
When discussing S.C.A.T. on NES:
Nerd: "S.C.A.T." stands for "Special Cybernetic Attack Team", but "the droppings of carnivorous mammals" is what the word "SCAT" really means. It's as close as you can get, to a Nintendo game called SHIT.
Circus Caper:
Nerd: We'll see how they like Circus Caper. It's as fun as inhaling Chewbacca's anal vapor.
It's implied that one of the many bad games he left for the kids were Atari porn games.
No parody of How the Grinch Stole Christmas! would be complete without a parody of the "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" song. It's as hilarious as it sounds.
You're a mean one, Mr. Nerd
You really are a jerk!
You're as shameless as a shitmop
You've got mischief in your smirk, Mr. Nerd!
I wouldn't blame you when you're playing Atari Berzerk!
You're a vile one, Mr. Nerd
You've got demons in your soul!
You're wacky and you're wicked
Your crap is full of coal, Mr. Nerd!
You're as charming and fun as a grizzly bear with a gun!
You're a foul one, Mr. Nerd
You're a dreadful, drunken schmuck!
Your mouth is full of cusses
Your mind is full of yuck, Mr. Nerd!
The three words that best describe you are, and I quote: Fick! Fack! Fuck!

Day Dreamin' Davey

The intro narration:
AVGN: Starts out Davey's in school and a bully steals his pencil. So he's gotta get his pencil back. Man, that's some epic storyline right there.
- Later on, Davey gets to a large knight named Lumper, and the lance he gets rewarded with is...actually the pencil Davey got taken from him at the beginning. He was daydreaming.
  AVGN: Why does he care so much about a fucking pencil? Was he planning to take it home after school, and...shove it up his ass or something?
You can hear the Nerd laugh while expressing disgust at the vultures dropping "exploding bloody diarrhea".
The outlaw Nerd plays against, he says that "he tries aiming over his dick nose."
This, where he is referring to a Ms. Exposition.
AVGN: "The cyclops is not truly dead until his eye is pierced." Okay, let's try it out. (beating the cyclops) Alright, he's dead. I didn't really aim at his eye, so I don't really know what she was telling me about. Stupid lying bitch.
"Then you get a sword, but it's a dream, so when [Davey] wakes up it's a ruler he's holding. Why is he so excited about a ruler? Does he wanna measure his turds?"
- Later, when he refers to what the teacher tells Davey: "'Davey, what are you doing? You're going to see the principal for this.' Umm...for what? For measuring his turds in class?"
The visual to go along with this gag:
Nerd: You know what would be really awesome? If Davey woke up here and had the teacher's decapitated head in his hands. Yeah.
This. Just...this.
AVGN: (sits still for a while) Oh, I'm sorry. I was daydreaming about playing a better fucking game!
At one point he dies and the game asks him if he wants to start from here again. Unfortunately, he believes "here" to be the exact place he died at. However, the game puts him at the beginning of the level.
Nerd: That's not what I chose, you lying fucking sack of shit!
The Nerd describes an item to be "Elmo's inside-out asshole".
His angry muttering when the game tells him to find a key.
Nerd: Oh my god. Find the key? I'll find the fucking key, you fucking piece of shit.
When Davey brings the Holy Grail back with him from the dream world, the Nerd becomes frustrated with the game's logic, and claims that it'd be cool if Freddy Krueger showed up and clawed Davey's face off.
The Nerd referring to a shield as looking like "Daisy Duck's nipple"

Star Wars

The Nerd's explanation regarding the "Who shot first?" debate: neither did, and Luke Skywalker crashed his landspeeder right into Greedo right after Han Solo said "Over my dead body!"
- When the light speeder enters the bar, James added an actual crash sound effect, and a wookiee cry.
The Nerd's face when he sees Darth Vader turn into a scorpion in the only Japanese Star Wars game on the Famicom is probably the funniest thing ever.
Nerd: Did Darth Vader say to Luke: "I am your father, and I am also... a FUCKING SCORPION!"?
- "That doesn't even happen in the Special Edition!"
His reaction to the relatively pointless tidbit in the opening moments of Empire Strikes Back NES, where Obi-Wan Kenobi points out "The Lightsaber is the weapon of the Jedi".
"Yeah, thanks for telling me that. While you're at it, why don't you tell me something like 'Cows go MOO?!'"
- "And what's this? The program engineer shows his face? I wish it was Fred Fuchs!"
- "Luke, choose the force." "Get it? Instead of "use the force", it's "choose the force". That's clever."
How about the end? As he's listing off a bunch of Star Wars games (He soon just lists a bunch of made-up names that get more and more bizarre as he goes on), what is most likely one of the funniest Big Lipped Alligator Moments ever occurs. A buffalo walks by his window, backs up, and takes a diarrhea shit that blasts through his window. The Nerd's reaction to it is priceless.
Nerd: OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOOOOD! A FUCKING BUFFALO JUST TOOK A FUCKING SHIT THROUGH MY FUCKING WINDOW! Oh, my fucking God! There's fucking shit and glass all over the place! Where in the fuck did that come from!?! Oh, my God! I gotta clean all this shit up! What the fuck, man?!
His thinking-out-loud speculation of the Death Star being a giant disco ball preceded by a giant dance floor in the middle of space and threatening to bring back disco is pretty darn funny.
- His idea for the name? "Disco Fuck Yourself."
After the Nerd complains about the bosses having so much health in Super Empire Strikes Back, the Giant Wampa's health bar stretches beyond the television screen, followed by the Nerd looking in shock.
"Sometimes the action is so intense, it's like blast processing. (footage of Chewie running and jumping around really fast) Oh no, Chewie's goin' nuts! Chewie's goin' nuts!"
The Beer Droid, that is all.

R.O.B. the Robot

The Nerd playing Gyromite, with R.O.B. being the human player and the Nerd being the robot.
- Upon first meeting R.O.B., who volunteers to play Gyromite with the Nerd:
  Nerd: ...okay, cool, a robot. (hands R.O.B. a controller) Here.
  R.O.B.: Error: does not compute. Requires adaptive device.
  Nerd: It's a controller, you play it!
  R.O.B.: I do not have thumbs. You moron.
- When R.O.B. says that he requires a gyro to play, The Nerd makes him an actual gyro sandwich.^*
  Nerd: Alright, here's your damn gyro.
  R.O.B.: You idiot. That is not a gyro.
  Nerd: I know, I tried! What, do you want me to go to fucking Greece?
- And here is this gem:
  Nerd: You ready now, R.O.B.? You happy? You got enough shit to work with?!
  R.O.B.: Affirmative.
  Nerd: "Affirmative", my ass! *completely calm* Let's play.
"Oh, here comes a Smick! (Professor Hector dies again) Fucking Smick's a dick!"
The Nerd, when he became so fed up with R.O.B.'s awful gameplay on Gyromite and Stack-Up, that he swaps player roles in Gyromite with the motionless R.O.B. being Player 1 with the controller and The Nerd being Player 2 impersonating as R.O.B., mocking and imitating R.O.B.'s actions with the gyros.
The Nerd making an NES controller that only plays Gyromite by sawing two NES controllers in half and stitching them together so that one half has the D-pad and Start/Select, and the other half has A and B.
Calling R.O.B. the "robo-fuckazoid piece of shit" and "cybernetic shit-sucker".
The Nerd's face as he flies into battle with R.O.B. Also doubles as a Moment of Awesome when he curbstomps the robot.

Spielberg Games

When reviewing the Jaws NES game, he parodies a line from the film:
Nerd: We're gonna need a bigger ass, to shit out this fucking turd!
- When discussing the power-ups:
  Nerd: You can get a submarine, which always seems to happen as a surprise. It's one of those tiny orange submarines. Yeah, you know, the kind that are smaller than people and have an unlimited supply of torpedoes?
- He says he would throw the game into the sea, but he hears that there's an antique store opening up in Hill Valley in 2015 that might take it.
When he's digging through his box and pulls out E.T. for the Atari 2600. He throws it on the ground with a horrified expression on his face, and shudders.
His reaction to the briefing screens in Hook for the NES:
AVGN: Isn't that fun? Trying to read text with a fairy flying in the way? Get the fuck out of the way, Tinkerbell! All I can read is, "By collecting food, Thud Butt has explosive results..." What?!
As the Nerd checks through his box of Spielberg games:
AVGN: Super Schindler's List 3D?! Nah, just kidding, it's Jurassic Park. Hold onto your butts.
When playing the NES version of Jurassic Park:
AVGN: And, what's the big deal with collecting eggs? Is he trying to make a giant omelette? I bet the ending of this game is Egghead from Batman saying: "Eggcelent!"
Ranting about how in the SNES Jurassic Park 2: The Chaos Continues game, the designers put a foreground bush in front of an arrow. "THEY COVERED THE ARROW WITH A BUSH! What a total fuck-up."
From his look at the 3D0 Jurassic Park game:
- His reaction to seeing that publicity photos of the actors were used instead of actual pictures of the characters from the movie.
  AVGN: Who are these people? That's supposed to be Sam Neill? That's supposed to be Jeff Goldblum? They were able to license Jurassic Park, but couldn't use images from the movie?
- One of the mini games is Space Invaders with the player shooting the aforementioned photos.
  AVGN: Yeah, shoot all the Dennis Nedrys.
- "Super Glove Ball was better than this shit!"
- Noting how ironic it was that a floppy disk in one of the mini games had "DUMP" written on it. And immediately before that, questioning what the entire sequence has to do with Jurassic Park in general.
- Describing the music and sound effects as "beyond God-awful; they're Satan-awful".
- When playing the driving stage, he notices that there are no hands on the steering wheel.
  AVGN: Are you a ghost? Why would a T-Rex be chasing a ghost? There'd be no meat to eat. I guess the hand could be like on the bottom part of the wheel, y'know, or like maybe driving with the knee or something? But that's some pretty casual driving for somebody who's being chased by a fucking T-Rex. I could see it like, (mimes being on the phone while driving and steering with one hand) "Hey, I'm stopping at Dunkin Donuts. You want me to pick you up some coffee? Oh, what's that? Oh, it's just some fucking T-Rex behind me. Yeah, what an asshole."
- The highlight was his completely dumbfounded reaction to the Nedry character wearing a tutu and angel wings with overalls in one icon.
- His closing rant on it:
  AVGN: Jurassic Park on 3D0 is a complete mockery, man! Does it suck? You bet jur ass-ic sucks! In the words of Ian Malcolm: "That is one big pile of shit".
- Parodying Malcolm's speech from the first movie:
  AVGN: The problem with all these games is that the power to make them doesn't require any discipline. They took the movie, without any responsibility, they stood on the shoulders of Steven Spielberg and Michael Crichton to accomplish something as fast as they could, and before they even knew what they had, they patented it, they packaged it, they slapped it on a plastic game cartridge or CD, and they sold it.
The final game to wrap up the video is a German Atari bootleg of Aliens Return labeled "UFI und sein gefährlicher Einsatz" trying to pass itself off as a E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial game. Before playing it, he has a couple things to say about the bizarre art on the cartridge:
Nerd: E.T Go Come? What the hell's it mean by "E.T Go Come?!" And is this supposed to be E.T.? Next to a purple piece of toast with blueberry jam, a balloon?! What are all these things?! What kind of game is this?!

Funny / The Angry Video Game Nerd Season Five

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