The Angry Video Game Nerd Season Nine / Funny

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Hong Kong 97

The intro sequence alone brings the Nerd to hysterics:
- From the first screen, "A herd of fuckin' ugly reds". The Nerd is astounded by a SNES game dropping an F-bomb, as it is so unheard of for them to have any swear words at all.
- The use of a screenshot of Jackie Chan from one of his movies to represent the protagonist, "Chin", who is Bruce Lee's relative. Not brother or anything like that, just "relative". The Nerd is 100% sure that the screenshot was used without Jackie Chan's permission, or his awareness for that matter.
- The Nerd has quite a bit of trouble getting past how Bruce Lee's super-powerful relative is named Chin.
  AVGN: Could that name be any more common?
- invoked Chin's mission is to exterminate a number of Chinese communists equivalent to the entire population of China at the time the game was made.
  AVGN: Even when Bruce Lee only took down 20 people, it took him a little bit of time, but now comes Chin! You don't fuck with Chin!
- The communists' plan to transform the deceased Tong Shau Ping into an ultimate weapon. The Nerd notes that Tong Shau Ping is represented by a picture of real-life Chinese leader Deng Xiaoping, who was still alive when the game was made.
  AVGN: Could they have at least had the courtesy to wait for him to die before transforming him into an ultimate weapon?
- Even better, the Nerd, in his hysterics, momentarily flubs reading "A project to transform...". He can't even bring himself to finish "ultimate weapon", as he just breaks down laughing at the absurdity.
- At the end, he invents his own game, "New York 2017", and provides his own convoluted intro sequence, with grammar and punctuation as bad as the one from the original game.
  Intro Sequence: The year is 2017. Motherfuckin' demons from the planet Jupiter have arrived through the Manhattan portal. The leader of. United States calls upon Master Joe,. John Wayne's half-cousin's stepson to annihilate the 2.5 OctoDecillion alien scum of the universe. However, on Jupiter's secret moon, a master plan is conceived to resurrect thu astro-demonoid Dill Clyntin into a mecha-doomsday machine.
- The New York 2017 intro also features Joe/Manco/Blondie, Christopher Bee, Bela Lugosi, Conky, Hong Kong Phooey, The Scarecrow, Jabberjaw, and the Doggy Doo game.
The deadly serious delivery when the Nerd says, "The GAME. Predicted the FUTURE."
The convoluted line of logic surrounding a supposed conspiracy surrounding Hong Kong 97 and the number 97, which all ends with the Nerd assuming the game is the meaning of life. To add to this, he brings up the looping nature of the music and game, which he correlates to life perpetuating itself through reproduction (which involves sexual intercourse) and food (which gets digested and turned into feces). In other words, "The game's fucking shit."
He finds the loop music annoying, but eventually starts bopping his head to it.
"WHY IS THE BACKGROUND COCA-COLA?!"
The best part of all of this? It's obvious that it's not just the Nerd laughing, but his actor himself is Corpsing at the sheer absurdity of the intro.
After witnessing the nightmarish Game Over screen:
Nerd: Oh, this couldn't get the Nintendo endorsement? I'm so shocked that this didn't come out on Super Nintendo! (Shows a fake box art for the game).

Darkwing Duck (Turbografx 16)

"Graphicsssixteen"
The Turbografx 16 controller is so short that the Nerd has to bring his couch closer to the TV so he's situated in the middle of his carpet.
The Nerd's excessive struggles over trying to reach a "D" that's just out of reach. Of course, this inspired ample comments joking about how much the Nerd wants the D.
- When he decides he doesn't want it: "The D can suck my dick!"
At one point, the Nerd tries so hard to successfully hit Tuskernini that he overexerts himself and shits himself. Even funnier is how the Nerd casually apologizes afterwards.
The Nerd's genuine shock to accidentally discovering an underground section of the level.
"...What the fuck just happened? It's like, you make one wrong step...YOU GO TO THE DUNGEON, BITCH!"
"I don't know what kind of fucked-up duck can't fuckin' duck." Try saying that a few times fast.
The Nerd's rapidly increasing impatience with Darkwing failing to ascend a series of short platforms. It almost sounds like he's about to shit himself a second time.
"Get up there...get up there...GET THE FUCK UP THERE!"
When the Nerd tries to perfectly time a platform jump, he ends up standing idly on his platform for so long that a safe comes down and crushes Darkwing. His reaction? An Atomic F-Bomb so massive it spans a multitude of shots, ending in an explosion no less.
- The Nerd then mentions how the safe should've just been replaced with a giant middle finger...in red-cyan 3D.
  "Put on your 3D glasses! Get ready, set, fuck you, kids!"
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde gets its own rank (the second-highest behind games like Plumbers Don't Wear Ties and Desert Bus) on the Nerd's "Shit scale." Because of course it does.
"Then we have Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. Enough said."
The Nerd explaining how all the bad games he's played has moderated his expectations for this game, making special mention of Hong Kong '97 which he had reviewed in the previous episode.
"I remember the show, but I'm not overly familiar with it, which is a fair spot to be in. I have no high expectations, or low expectations. By now, I've played some of the most horrible games that are humanly possible to make. Plumbers Don't Wear Ties, Big Rigs, Hong Kong '97...I think I've set the bar too high, or too low, depending on which way you look at it. So now, let's go into some more sensible territory. Let's get serious. Or should I say..."let's get dangerous?"

Seaman (Sega Dreamcast)

When the Nerd first breaks out the Sega Dreamcast and finds that it has an internal clock, he goes on a small rant about how no one uses watches anymore: they just check the time on their cell phones. He then proposes wearing a Dreamcast on his wrist and toting around a TV and a gas-powered generator instead of using a watch.
"I don't need this shit, I can wear a watch!...or a watch is not cool enough. No, kids nowadays, they just look at their phones. Yeah, I'd look so cool telling time on my phone." (pulls out an old rotary phone)
First, the Nerd to say the title out loud without it being awkward—he glares at the camera, acknowledges the awkwardness, and basically says he's not going there. Then he has to use it in a sentence.
"You're free to enjoy Seama-"...AUUUGH, NO NO NO NOOOO! IT'S SEA MAN! SEA! MAN! Not semen!...as in jizz! SPLOOGE! MAN-BAZOOKA JUICE!
When the Nerd first takes hold of the Dreamcast controller, he holds it upside down, being too used to the controller's cord coming from the top rather than the bottom. Thankfully, the bottom of the controller has a small groove he can use to hold the cord in place in a similar way as other controllers.
The Nerd is quite pleased to learn that Leonard Nimoy is the narrator for the game, and makes frequent Shout-Outs to Mr. Spock.
Leonard Nimoy: Did you see the moth hatch from the cocoon? It was quite amazing.
Nerd: ...or, fascinating.
"When he says "matrix", he sounds like Galvatron."
The Nerd figuring out just how to play Seaman at first is amusing.
"Okay, so to pick up the egg, you have to hit X and the right trigger at the same time. Why couldn't it just be X?! Or maybe the idea is to go like this (pinches his thumb and forefinger together) like you're grabbing something? Yeah, well grab my scrote! It's 2015, it's time to start saying 'scrote'."
The Nerd's first encounter with the Seamen, after the rather long and drawn-out hatching sequence involving the bloody murder of an ammonite like something straight out of Alien.
(The ammonite is writhing in pain and spraying ink and blood around the tank)
Nerd: Uggggh, it's repulsive!
(Several Seamen spawn come flying out of the ammonite's corpse)
Nerd: ...Whooooaaaa...
(One Seaman swims right up to the screen)
Nerd: GAH! OH, MY GOD! AHHH, GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MYSTICAL ANCIENT PHARAOH MOTHERFUCKERS! (Picks up controller) UGH, I GOTTA DO IT! I GOTTA DO IT FOR NIMOY! (Makes the Vulcan Salute) FOR NIIIIIIIIMOOOOOOYYYYY!
The Nerd learning firsthand just how much of a baboon-faced ass-scratcher the Seaman can be.
Nerd: Hello.
Seaman: Yeah, hello...whatever.
Nerd: I just want to talk.
Seaman: Blah blah blah. Happy?
Nerd: Yo, fuckface.
Seaman: Let's be sure and get my name right, skin-puppet. You're a pain in the ass.
Nerd: Suck my dick!
Seaman: Hey, Seaman don't play that!
Nerd: I'll...what can I do-I'll tickle you!
Seaman: Are you coming on to me?
- Then later...
  Nerd: Speak. Speak.
  Seaman: Eh, bite me. (flings shit at the screen)
  Nerd: Did he just take a shit? He just flung shit at me!
"Hey! Guess what we're doing over here!" Even better is that one of the Seamen dies immediately afterwards.
Nerd: It dies? It got fucked to death?!
Since there's a limit to how long one can play Seaman in one day, the Nerd decides to try passing the time with a Famicom Disk System game, only to be treated with a screen that reads "TURN TO SIDE-B AND INSEFT [sic] TO FUCKING BOX!" So astounded is the Nerd that an actual 80's-era Nintendo game featured the F-Word that he let out a mighty Atomic F-Bomb in awe before realizing he should check in on his Seaman, only to find that so much time had passed that the Seaman died.
The Nerd gets so caught up in the game and the Seaman talking to him that he eventually lays down on the couch and starts talking to it as if it were his psychiatrist.
Nerd: It all started with my pet albatross...
After the Seaman says "All hail Sega!", the Nerd goes on a wild tangent about how he believes Sega, which stands for "Sentient Electronic Global Annihilator", wants to learn more and more about you so it can become you and Take Over the World, then consume the entire universe.
Evidently, the official Seaman website's URL lead to a porn site at one point. Become Hilarious in Hindsight when one recalls the number from the game adaptation of Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, which now leads to a sex hotline.
Nerd: I just heard, that's all. A Dreamcast game that sends you to porn...more like Wet Dreamcast...
Nimoy's narration suggests that the Nerd, who keeps checking in on the Seaman every five minutes, is either quite obsessed or has nothing better to do. The Nerd replies that he does have better things to do; cut to a clip of him outside, playing with a piece of "dog turd".
- Which is something of a Call-Back to his Ricky 1 video.

The Crow: City of Angels

The intro: the Nerd gets hit with the standard "poop in a flaming bag" prank, but instead of poo, the bag contains the game.
"They left me a flaming bag of shit!"
It's a small moment that's easy to overlook, but when the Nerd takes the game out of the case, instead of opening the case, he takes the top off entirely. This is a great nod to how fragile and easily breakable the custom Saturn cases were.
The Nerd imitating the hard rock soundtrack in the game.
- His take on the dark and moody bar in the game's opening sequence: "This is a place where people go to cut their wrists and drink gasoline!"
Commenting on The Crow's in-game model, the Nerd says that he looks like a slasher villain.
- He then goes on to look at The Crow's face and compare it to a melted KISS candle.
Saying the person in charge of changing the camera angle when you move to a new screen was too busy smoking pot.
Nerd: "Dude... sorry, man."
"He's pulling her tits! He's pulling her tits!"
Guess who appears at the end of this video. Board James.

Bad Game Cover Art

Pro Wrestling

The Nerd's confusion as to if the wrestler is wrestling his own head or someone else's.
The way he wraps it up.
"Should we suspend our disbelief... or does this cover make no fucking sense!?

Mega Man

The way he says "splendid."
The nerd briefly talks about how Nintendo held an art contest for the cover of the game and picked the winner. He then admits that's not true...they picked the loser.
"Aesthetically awful"
"If you even have a chance to look at what's going on, you'll see Mega Man has no neck and is wearing shoulder pads as if to deliberately hide his head like a turtle. He's cowardly shrinking into his own suit, as you can see by the wrinkly oversized sleeves."
"The way his body is like leaning, it's kind of like he's doing a dance. Hey, look at me, I'm cool. Check me out."
The nerd bringing up Mega Man's broken ankle on the cover of Mega Man II.
"Look at Crash Man giving a lap dance to Dr. Light. Look at him feeling up that thigh."
"Ultra-vaginal sound thing"
"On top of the fortress."

Shatterhand

SUP, MAN???
"It was an accident. He can't see with those ultra-dark sunglasses on."
Noting that the odd folds of skin on the guy's hand resemble the foreskin on a penis.

Action Fighter

The concluding statement: "What is the clue? Is there a clue? Did the human being who made this have any CLUE!?"

Shingen the Ruler

His incredulous reaction to the instructions of the game being printed onto the cartridge over the cover art. He even points out that Shingen appears to be peeking out from behind them, as if to get your attention.
Shingen: Hey, it's me... me. Look at me. LOOK AT ME!
He describes it as if a cloud of less-detailed, more generic art floated in front of the person's face.
"It's like the background took a bite out of the side of his face."
The Nerd's art house poetry interpretation of the instructions:
Nerd: Yield. Money. Disaster. Product. Yeah, this product was a disaster that you should yield before spending money.

Phalanx

The Nerd mocking the guy playing the banjo on the cover art, stating if he knew how to play the banjo or if he was just posing.
Banjo Guy (singing): What am I doing here? Motherfuckers... Super Nintendo? The fuck is that?
The Nerd mocking the somewhat Freudian cover art used everywhere but North America (which used the Banjo Guy).
Nerd: Well, this version wasn't Phalanx - it was Phallus!
The Nerd describing the spaceship on the North American cover as a "little magic Disney Tinkerbell sparkle."

Snow White and the 7 Clever Boys

The Nerd's expression in the thumbnail and at the beginning.
The alternate title he comes up with for the game: Evil Porcelain Dolls Come to Life
"That should be a horror film by Full Moon."
EAT THE FUCKING APPLE
"Fucked up fairy tale covers frightening young children."
"It obviously looks like the Disney characters, albeit twisted fucked up versions."
The ending of the video. After commenting on the Ages 3 and up logo, he is sucked in by the game and trapped in the cover art.
Nerd: The game's rated 3 and up. I think that means these demonic fuckers have to take three more souls.

Action in New York

The Nerd criticizes the title art for making the "Action in" part of the title too small and hard to notice compared to the "New York" part, as if they really wanted to emphasize the setting of the game, comparing it to another game called Alien Tiger Meteor Massacre in MIDDLETOWN NEW JERSEY.

Rallo Gump

His interpretation of all the weird objects and creatures displayed.
"What is a gump? Like Forrest Gump... or the Gump from the Oz books?"

Street Hockey '95

The Nerd imitating Lil' Jon's famous "WHAT!?", "OK!", and "YEAH!!"
His quip about the cover being as if MTV regurgitated all over a Super Nintendo game.

Crackout

"WHAT... THE... FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK???"

Karnaaj Rally

The Nerd pretending to be the blue-haired guy from the game's cover.
Nerd: HHHHUUUUUUUURRRRRRGGHHHHH!!!
Also, he admitted that the developers should have featured the car from the game rather than a goofy guy who just made the most epic photobomb in the history.

Hell Fighter

Mocking the barbarian pictured: "Yeah. I like death."
Due to the barbarian only wearing a very thin pair of underwear, the Nerd wonders where the sword behind him is being kept.
Nerd: You've heard of Sword in the Stone, this is Sword in the Ass.
After showing the various versions of the cover art released around the world, he notices that the barbarian's crotch is censored in each one.
Nerd: The whole world was saying: "Hey man, put on some damn pants!"
"Hell Fighter. Looks like Hell to me."

Scrapyard Dog

Snickering at the cover, especially the man's huge nose and the fact that he and the dog are popping out of a Looney Tunes-style circle.

Rollerblade Racer

Saying that the two roller-bladers look fused together like some sort of eight-legged creature.
After spending the whole video talking about how incredibly "80s" the cover is, the Nerd checks his phone and discovers... the game came out in 1993.
Nerd: Well, fuck everything I just said, then.
The way he ends the video.
Nerd: (the screen turns hot pink) Here's a hot pink screen for you to look at. Yeah, you like that. Yeah, stare at it long enough, you'll grow a mullet.

Killer Kong

Nerd losing his shit over Killer Kong's rather sinister grin.
When the Nerd observes that Killer Kong is wearing a monocle:
AVGN: This is a high-fashionable gorilla who likes to examine things up close... particularly... your innards.

Hammerin' Harry

This line:
AVGN: A symbol of testosterone. This guy is Mr. Macho right here. This is the manliest man ever. "MY COCK IS SO HARD!!!"
- Then he says that Harry plays baseball with his cock.
Comparing Harry to Sylvester Stallone:
"What's with the Rambo headband?"
"Look at him screaming out the side of his mouth like Sylvester Stallone."

Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero

Mentioning how the PS1 version had cheesy FMV cutscenes.
AVGN: I say, stick to Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.
The Nerd having fits over the crushing pillars in the Shaolin Temple stage.
- At one point, a pillar smashes an enemy, which the Nerd derives great pleasure from, and then he's promptly smashed himself (again). The distraught look on his face and the way he goes "FUUUUUUCCCCKKK!!!" is priceless.
The Nerd's stunned reaction to seeing the gusts of wind that make Sub-Zero float in the air as he jumps between some platforms in the Wind Element stage.
A montage of Sub-Zero screaming as he falls to his death includes one clip of Charlie Brown screaming as he falls on his ass after failing to kick a football. The screams sound quite similar to each other.
The ending, where the Nerd "finishes" the game by freezing it, then ripping out its spine and punching it, splattering blood on the camera. Followed by cheery Christmas music over the Cinemassacre logo.

Funny / The Angry Video Game Nerd Season Nine

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Funny / The Angry Video Game Nerd Season Nine

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