The Cinema Snob 2018 Episodes / Funny

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The Buttercream Gang in Secret of Treasure Mountain

Snob starting the new year off the right way: with buttercreaming.
Because of the cover art referencing Indiana Jones, the Snob wastes no time in making Indiana Jones' references.
When the movie transitions from the 1562 prologue to a Buttercreamer on jet skis, the Snob remarks:
Snob: Meanwhile, at Sleepaway Camp...
It maybe a new year, but there will always be the same old Will It Fit? jokes.
[When the Buttercream Gang find a piece of a map]
Will It Fit? Host: It's gonna be a contender for the next episode of 'Will It Fit?'. Mark my words.
Snob refers to the bad guy as "Satan".
In the middle of the review are quotes raving about Brad's latest movie Disco. Some highlights include:
- "Embarassing. An aborted clone of a 70's movie".
- "Brad just wanted to shit something out."
- "Brad should just direct porn. I think he'd be good at that."
- "I hated this movie. Hands down Brad's worst movie ever."
- "If he turned in something like this in any film school they would have laughed him out of the classroom."
Snob snarking that two girl buttercreamers are gonna be stealing Ocean's Eleven and the treasure from the male buttercreamers.
When Eldon is reading an inscription:
Eldon: Lucas... Catorce...
Snob: Nikterr-*cough cough*!
As with the previous movie, Snob answers the "Parent's Guide" questions in his own way.
- Why did Eldon feel like the "Buttercream Clown"?
Snob: Because he grew up to become a Gacy-inspired serial killer?
- Where did the monk say you can sometimes find the greatest treasure? What did he mean?
Snob: You can find the greatest treasure in the bathroom stall located at the rest stop on I-55, ten miles south from town. He's talking about a glory hole!
- What did Eldon learn about being rich?
Snob: That he can pay people to bury the story about him being the infamous "Buttercream Clown"?
- What is the meaning of the Parable of the Cobbler as told by the monk?
Snob: It means that with enough buttercream, he can shove a shoe up his ass!
- What did Eldon finally understand about being a hero?
Snob: That you can live long enough to see yourself become the butt of several jokes in a YouTube video!

The Believer's Heaven

On the DVD he got directly from the ministry: "...and this copy assures me that it is in English. Pfft, that's debatable."
"Although the poster guarantees something epic: after all, the movie was photographed on five continents! Yes, the continents of Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, and Mississippi again. I'm just kidding, I'm sure they got themselves thrown out of many countries."
(over the outer space-themed credits) "Must every great franchise end up in outer space?!"
A familiar Accidental Innuendo returns:
Pirkle: This massive universe in which you and I are now living is headed toward a dramatic climax.
Snob: Oh, this is my third Estus Pirkle movie. I'm always expecting a dramatic climax.
(cut to If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?)
Pirkle: Will you come? Will you come? Will you come?
Snob: You know the rules, Estus. First you have to wine me, dine me, and show me graphic images of mass murder, and then I'll cum.
Snob Waxing Lyrical when voicing over Pirkle.
Snob!Pirkle: They say in Heaven, love comes first! We'll make Heaven a place on Earth!
"I must say, this is the clearest quality of the Pirkle-Ormond movies, in that it doesn't quite look like it's been jerked off to 100 times by a Deep South serial killer who sleeps in human skin."
"Even Estus's glasses and suit look more expensive. Those are glasses that say, 'why, yes, I did father the Cinema Snob'. And a suit that says 'I'll get you into Heaven, but the Lord wants you to sign over your bank account.'"
"The sky is telling me that it's now dawn...ing of the age of Aquarius?"
Snob points out the appearance of Dr. Jack Hyles, an Independent Baptist pastor known for decades of sexual assault scandals, including banging his own secretary, child molestation in his organization, gang rapes, and a six year assault on a mentally challenged woman. Concluding:
Snob: In other words, Dr. Jack Hyles is not in Heaven.
After showing a character transported to Heaven:
Pirkle: Wouldn't you have liked to been in on that trip?
Snob: Dude, do you know how many drugs I have to take to sit through an Estus Pirkle movie? I'm already on a trip.
(over a scene of Abraham, who has long white hair and a beard) "This scene goes on so long that Abraham started out with short brown hair. I think his look has something to do with him getting The Santa Clause."
"This is either Heaven or Manos: The Hands of Fate! This whole movie is just a commercial for hallucinogens!"
Pirkle: Isn't it wonderful to know that God has provided angels to watch over us all?
Snob: No! It's not great! I don't wanna picture transparent men aimlessly wandering around me while I'm trying to jerk off!
After a Jump Cut makes some characters disappear with a sound effect: "Ooh, a budget!"
"Uh, honey, we're looking to our right now, our right. Stop staring at the camera, the cast of Hair is doing their encore."
"This is Dr. Adrian Rogers. And I don't see anything about any sex scandal, but he did support a boycot of Disney due to their homosexual agenda. So in other words, he's gay."
After showing a mansion in heaven:
Pirkle: The dining room, the bedroom...
Snob!Pirkle: ...all of this can be yours if you dial 1-800-WILL-YOU-COME.
(after Estus looks at the camera) "Uh... does he know I'm making fun of him?
"The audience and the movie's sketches are creepy on a Sea King level from Fun in Balloon Land!"
"See Earl, I made it to the end and it says nothin' about married cousins goin' to hell. Then again, I can't read."
"By the way, Heaven is a photo booth at Sears."
Another guest pastor, J. O. Grooms, is the author of a book being sold (at the time of the episode) on Amazon for close to $1,000, so the Snob expects his sermon to be nothing but a pitch for his book.
Grooms: Buy my book! Buy my book! Buy my book!
"Oh, God damn it, must you set everything on fire, Estus?"
God: Welcome to a place where death cannot come. Welcome to a place where loneliness is never felt. Welcome to a place where night never comes.
Snob: Yes, that's nice. Do you have a White Castle around here? And am I to understand that if you're a night person, you're sent to Hell?"
"But we now have some real insight into Heaven from a man who I'm pretty sure is clinically dead."
Snob: You know it's been a while in this movie since we've seen open grave sites. I'm beginning to worry about that.
Pirkle: ...there shall be no more death messages, no more funeral processions, no more flowers on cold slabs, no more mass burials from some catasrtophic event...
Snob: Heh heh, so no Estus Pirkle movies in Heaven?
Right after Snob says you never know where these Estus Pirkle movies are gonna lead, a dwarf woman in a wheelchair and a green sequin dress shows up. He watches in stunned silence as she's lifted up to the podium and she starts singing.
Snob: Uuuuuuh...I dunno, The Greatest Showman doesn't seem that bad.
When he calls the sermon's audience inbred, it cuts to a man and woman in the audience with clear mental problems.
Snob: Oh come on! Does this audience really look like this!?
(over a white screen) "Wow, the semen room seems very, very smelly... very smelly."
"I wonder if this church has more polyester, crustaches, or underwear skidmarks. I don't wanna find out!"

Top 10 Cinema Snob Moments of 2017

Snob mentions how his sickness led him to both make this clip show AND delay the release of his review of Neil Breen's Fateful Findings.^note
After showcasing the memorable characters from his reviews in 2017,^note Snob ends the montage with a quick "Fuck Sol."

I Am Here.... Now

"So, which one is I Am Here.... Now? Well, it's the one where writer/director/star Neil Breen portrays himself as the Messiah. Because of course that's what he does!"
The Running Gag about how the trivia items on the film's IMDb page are obvious to the point of being not trivia items at all.
Snob: So much interesting trivia can be found out about this film. I for one thank the IMDb trivia page for telling me that Breen wrote, directed and starred in the film, and that it's feature-length! [as a trivia item that reads "Breen wrote, directed and starred in this feature-length film" is shown] What? No, really? I am floored by this trivia!

Snob: [while showing a trivia item that's just a description of a scene] And thank you once again, trivia, for counting a description of a scene as trivia. That's my kind of trivia.
Snob describes the posters of Breen's films as looking "like they're inviting you to the worst motivational speaking seminar you've ever been to."
Snob: They probably don't even have free coffee!
After Snob mentions that this film came out four years after Breen's debut film Double Down:
Snob: Has Neil made any improvements to the art form known as cinematography? NOPE!
The film's overall weirdness does quite a number on the Snob.
Snob: I feel like I'm gonna be saying "Meanwhile" a lot during this film, so I better stop now.
[cut to a man shooting in the air in the desert while a woman tells him "You're crazy!"]
Snob: Meanwhile— [slaps himself] FUCK!
Even the insanity that is Neil Breen isn't immune to Will It Fit?.
Snob: [as a man with a champagne bottle besides him looks lasciviously at two girls bathing in a pool] "So, which of you girls are gonna fit the world's largest bottle of champagne up their ass?"
Will It Fit? Host: I'll do it!
Snob: No, Goddamnit! Not you!

The Little Cars 2: Rodopolis Adventures

In a true show of Creator's Apathy, most of the character names are different from the previous movie with no explanation. Cruise is now called Tony, Lugnut is now Combo, and Coop is now Chris. Also, the "Rodopolis" from the movie's subtitle is nowhere in the movie, as the town the characters live in is still called "Raceopolis".
Snob: V8 still has the same name in this film, because I guess renaming him "Clamato Juice" didn't take. Speaking of names...
Tony/Cruise: Guys, you won't believe it! Check this out! They're gonna have a new kind of race in Raceopolis!
Snob: It's hard to give them credit over remembering that the name of the town is "Raceopolis" WHEN THE SUBTITLE STILL GOT IT WRONG!
Snob questions the concepts of taxi companies and driver's licenses in a world of talking, sentient cars.
Chris/Coop: If he made deliveries as fast as he's going now they would have pulled him over and taken away his license!
V8: Yup, you're right about that!
Snob: What does that mean in this movie's universe? They have licenses to walk? If they get it taken away, are they not allowed to go anywhere? Is that why there's cab companies?
Snob's frustration over the multiple times the movie could have ended.
Newspaper Editor: Don't you realize how much better I made your story? So what if I made up the whole thing, it sold more papers! It doesn't matter if it's all lies!
Snob: You may think that the newspaper editor accidentally confessing over a hot mic would be the end of the movie. It's not. We're only 12 minutes into this 37 minute film.
Chris/Coop: I love happy endings! (Iris Out)
Snob: ...There's still 13 minutes of this movie left.
Snob: So now that the amazing story of Combo-Nut entering a race and then winning that race is over with, we now have a story of car porn!
Snob: Even for a movie with 12 different endings, it still feels like it ends abruptly!
Combo/Lugnut: "The party girl! Read everything about the girlfriend of Tony, the new champ!"
(Iris Out, credits start)
Snob: Oh, what, no more stories? How about one where V8 isn't sure if he can pick up a delivery in time, but then by the end, he does. There, I just gave you 10 extra minutes!

Snob references the fact that Ed is starred by Matt LeBlanc, Joey Tribbiani in Friends, right off the beginning of the video by Waxing Lyrical about Friends' theme song.
Snob: So no one told you life was gonna be this way / Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A.— [angrily] But it could be worse, you could be stuck watching the 1996 movie Ed! Huh, I don't think that's how that song goes.
The Snob states that, being the Cinema Snob and all, you shouldn't expect him to love Friends, "even though I've seen every episode at least five times, just to make sure that I don't like it." Much like with the Sex and the City series in the Sex and the City films episodes, as the episode goes on, it becomes very clear that this isn't true at all, culminating with Snob casually pulling out a Friends Official Farewell Commemorative book at the end of the review.
After Snob describes the plot, a chimpanzee who's third baseman in a minor league baseball team, Snob states that it sounds more like one of the fake movies Joey Tribbiani starred in in Friends than an actual movie.
Snob discloses that the movie was offered to both LeBlanc and his Friends co-star Matthew Perry, making Snob only imagine "that Perry watches this movie laughing his ass off the same way Arnold probably does when watching Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot."
Brad going over the bizarre assembly of people involved in making the film.
Snob: [The movie is] written by David Mickey Evans, who also wrote The Sandlot. What the hell?! That's like finding out that the writer of Field of Dreams also wrote Ghost Dad! Oh, wait a minute, that's actually true.
[later]
Snob: What's next? Are you gonna tell me that the movie is from the producer of Spike Lee's Clockers?
[cut to the credits showing "Produced by Rosalie Swedlin", which yes, it's the same producer]
Snob: Goddamnit! Why is the crew of this movie so bizarre?!
The first funny joke in the movie has Jack looking for his pet pig and asking a nearby spider, "Hey, Charlotte; where's Wilbur?". Cut to him being served a pork chop.
Snob: Guess Charlotte shouldn't have used Templeton's "CRUNCHY" suggestion!
When Snob recognizes Jim Caviezel in the film:
Snob: What the hell is Jesus doing in this movie?!
When Ed makes his first appearance...
Phelous: NO.
When in the movie it's said that Ed's knowledge of baseball is because he belonged to Mickey Mantle:
Snob: Which is why Lloyd is great at reviewing movies.
[looks at Lloyd]
Lloyd: [meows]
Snob: See? He's not impressed.
After Ed throws a ball so fast, it penetrates a catcher's mitt:
Catcher: [looking at the perforated mitt still in his hand] Cool...
Snob: Hmph, you have no more fingers!
The uncomfortable suggestion raised by this exchange:
Liz: Look, Mom! He likes your flowers!
Lydia: Well, that proves it. I'm glad someone around here stops and smells them.
Snob: That lady wants to fuck that monkey!
When Ed and Jack start eating dog food and TV dinners because they're too broke, Snob wonders, "What's next? Is he gonna eat a decades-old Reggie bar?"^Explanation
Brad's Running Gag through the episode of editing various reactions shots from Friends into various scenes is then turned on its head when a scene from Friends itself — an episode involving monkeys, no less — shows up in the movie.
Snob: I'd edit it to where they're all watching this scene, but that would cause the world to explode!
When Snob discovers a character played by Richard Gant, Snob starts doing Actor Allusions:
Snob: [after Ed is put in a game] Bad news though; if [Ed] fails, the umpire will eat its fucking heart!
Umpire: Baseball is America's game. Every American, regardless of race, creed, color, species...
Snob: Leave it to George Washington Duke to make Ed playing baseball sound like a victory for civil rights!
After Ed's popularity skyrocketing leads him to magazine covers:
Snob: Not looking forward to [Ed's] Playgirl spread one bit!
Replacing the audio from Ed's pissing scene with...something else.
When Liz asks Deuce if he's gay, Snob adds that it's "more of a Chandler question."
When a montage uses Dire Straits' "Walk of Life", the Snob takes offence:
Snob: Why would you do that to Dire Straits?! What did Dire Straits ever do to you?!
After showing a scene of Jack and his date discussing the difference between a curveball sign and a peace sign, the Snob jokes that Darkest Hour was a ripoff of Ed.
Snob replaces the original version of "Yakkety Yak" with the one sung by Arnold Schwarzenegger in Twins (1988).
After Snob notes that the film was nominated for several Razzie Awards:
Snob: That's right, the organization that nominated Stanley Kubrick and Darren Aronofsky^Explanation thinks that you're bad. Take that.
The Snob claiming that "the TV remake" was far superior.
The Snob claiming that the movie is the perfect film for those wanting a hybrid between The Natural and Going Bananas.
The Snob ultimately giving the film zero stars for "not even featuring Ed (Glaser)."

Kissing a Fool

The Snob's intro makes it clear that This Is Gonna Suck:
Snob: As we continue with Friendsuary, it's time for the age-old love story about a womanizing psychopath who's paranoid that his fiancee will cheat on him, so he tries to get his best friend to bang her. [angry] Not a better love story than The Twilight Saga!
Snob notes that in the previous episode he mentioned the bizarre names involved in the making of Ed, and states that the same can be said for Kissing a Fool, saying that it was directed by the creator of Entourage (which the Snob doesn't find surprising) and co-written by James Frey, the author best known for penning A Million Little Pieces, "and who was caught on TV lying to Oprah!!!" What really sells it is how he says the "lying to Oprah" part as the most unforgivable offense ever.
The Snob mentions that the movie is based on the tale "The Impertinent Curiosity" included in Don Quixote, which Snob says is like finding out that Ed was based on a song from The Hobbit.
The movie's Chicago setting leads Snob to this conclusion:
Snob: There's something else worrying about this movie to know: It's set in the Windy City Cinematic Universe! If you look closely, you can still see the Rogues preferring to do anything else but see Sol in the hospital, because fuck Sol.
[a little later, after a character resembling Sol from Windy City is introduced]
Snob: Yeah, I'm getting some serious Sol vibes here; please tell me a pirate ship doesn't show up!
After a man named Charles Breen is credited in the opening:
Snob: I'm instantly worried about any film with a crew member who has the last name "Breen"!
After Bonnie Hunt's character Linda offers to tell a wedding's bartender how she introduced the bride and groom and he answers with an uninterested "Yeah, sure":
Snob: Great, not even the director is interested in the story, and yes, that was the director.
In classic Snob fashion, he mixes up even the cameos from athletes:
[when Sammy Sosa shows up]
Snob: Mark McGwire, what are you doing here?
You can see that Snob's experience with shlock films is starting to show up more often.
Jay: Why would I set you up with some girl that I banged?
Max: Share the wealth, brother.
Snob: The only person that either of these guys should be set up with is someone who has teeth in their vagina!
Jay: [...] Drop the toothpick, it looks ridiculous.
Max: First of all, this is not a toothpick, OK, Mr. Ignorant? This is an Australian chewing stick.
Snob: This dude is the worst thing to happen to Chicago since Blues Brothers 2000.
Being Friendsuary, the Friends references keep a-comin':
Linda: They were engaged two weeks later.
Snob: And then it went south when he said Rachel's name at the wedding.
[after Max moves out]
Jay: ...but I can't see your movers.
Snob: Don't worry, Max is very experienced at moving furniture.
Ross Geller: Pivot! Pivot! Pivot!
Snob: Max is instantly concerned about Sam talking to Jay; he remembers the plotline when Chandler fell in love with Joey's girlfriend.
Snob: [imitating Max, after Jay kisses Sam] "You son of a bitch, how dare you kiss her! I'm gonna stuff you in the box with Chandler!"
After all "Fake Sol" can remember from one of Linda's stories is that Jay's ex-girlfriend is "a whore," this leads Snob to exclaim "Fuck Fake Sol!"
The movie's increasingly bro attitude leads to the return of The Bro!
Max: [while discussing Jay's ex-girlfriend with Jay] ...when you were with Hitler. I'm sorry, Natasha.
The Bro: You're speaking the truth, bro! Any girl who would reject these pecs is akin to a genocidal madman, bro!
When Jay and Sam run into a character played by Judy Greer, Snob says that they're trying to stop her from appearing in The 15:17 to Paris.^Explanation
Snob summarizes that the movie is for a guy who thought that Play It Again, Sam should have starred Johnny "Drama" Chase, but that one guy died from Axe body spray poisoning.
Snob reading the reviews on the back of the DVD case are a treat.
Snob: "A witty romantic comedy," says The Washington Post. Well, so much for The Post winning Best Picture! "Three and a half stars," says Michael Medved. Coming from Michael Medved, that means it's not just good, it's Batman & Robin good! [shows a blurb from a Batman & Robin video case that has a quote from Medved calling it, "Consistently dazzling. Ingenious. Breathtaking."]

Three to Tango

The title card, which is exactly the same as Kissing a Fool albeit with different characters. This was such a Double Take for everyone that several of the comments admitted to thinking Brad used the wrong thumbnail or reused the previous one's. It absolutely doesn't help that both Kissing a Fool and Three to Tango not only have similar plots, but also similar DVD covers.
Snob: It's another Love Triangle movie. Hence only a couple of changes on the title card.

Marci X

You know that This Is Gonna Suck when the Snob spends the first ten seconds of the video in Stunned Silence before only being able to say "...wow."
And just in case the above wasn't clear:
Snob: We've come to the end of Friendsuary, a group of movies that will ironically make your friends stop talking to you. Well, maybe not in the case of Marci X; if you show Marci X to your friends, they'll just shoot you.
The Snob theorizes on how Lisa Kudrow came to be in Marci X despite starring in a number of hit movies and critical favorites.
Snob: It's like if she overheard Matt LeBlanc and David Schwimmer arguing on which movie was worse, Ed or Kissing A Fool, and told them "Hold my phalange, I can do much worse."
The Snob's description of the film's Audience-Alienating Premise:
Snob: Marci X is the story of a spoiled-rotten socialite who takes control over her father's rap label in an effort to soften the image of gangsta rapper Dr. S, played by Damon Wayans. It's the worst movie of 1995! Too bad it was made in 2003!
He continues by adding that even the movie's tagline fails to make the movie appealing:
Snob: "Hip hop meets shop 'til you drop"? Finger meets eject button.
The Snob noting that with a premise like that, "they really put the right people in charge of making the film":
Snob: It's directed by character actor Richard Benjamin, and written by Paul Rudnick, who wrote In & Out, the better Three to Tango. See? Hip with the kids. It's a movie for those people who wish that the writers of The Brady Bunch penned their own episode of Fresh Prince.
The Snob describing the opening credits, made with Clip-Art Animation, as using "a YouTube Poop version of their own credits."
When the Snob notes some familiar names in the credits:
Snob: Notice that it's not just a Friends cast member that it's in this, but cast members from all sorts of shows; there's Jane Kra-30 Rock [Jane Krakowski], Jim Murphy Brown [Charles Kimbrough], and Cybill Shepherd. [Christine Baranski]
Snob on the music:
Snob: The music just seamlessly blends into each other.
[the rap song from the credits abruptly cuts into a classical orchestral BGM]
Snob: Whoever made this mixtape had a brick dropped on their head!
As per Friendsuary, the Friends references continue:
Snob: Lisa Kudrow plays Marci Feld, who has a gift for giving speeches [...] It's at this point that she decided to tell people that her role was actually played by her twin sister Ursula after she gave up porn.
Snob: This is so emotional...
Marci's Father: [to Marci] I just wish I had a son.
Snob: Aw, no love for Frank Jr.?!
- And said Ursula episode gets great use, as the Snob makes Phoebe's "oh my God, what am I doing?" to be her reacting to Marci X.
The Snob noting how conspicious it is that the movie opens with Marci giving an award to her father, who's played by the movie's director, with the Snob joking that it's the only award that he'll receive for this movie.
This:
Marci's Friend #1: Can you imagine being addicted to heroin?
Marci's Friend #2: Heartbreaking.
Marci's Friend #3: But does the weight stay off?
[shows Marci's father being taken out from the awards ceremony]
Snob: And with that joke the director was instantly taken off screen and had Bleu de Chanel sprayed into his eyes.
The Snob says that the real reason Marci's father was taken out from the awards ceremony was because Dr. S, who is under a label owned by him, has a controversial new single.
Snob: Sure, this is worth stopping the ceremony for. I remember when they cancelled the Oscars over the breakup of Ben nifer.
The Snob at one point jokes that the antagonistic Senator Spinkle bought a thousand Starbucks cups to write "Merry Christmas" on them, and that "Gay Jesus" from Christmas With A Capital C is her son.
Snob!"Gay Jesus": Stop picking on my mom! Wah-hehehe!
When the movie first introduces Dr. S, Snob says that André has been downgraded from 3000 to 2000.
Continuing the Friends references, when Dr. S gives the stage to Marci for her to rap, the Snob dubs in Phoebe's "Christmas Song."
When Dr. S has to tape a pro-abstinence ad alongside a boy band called Boys R Us, he recognizes the set looking a lot like Milky Marvin's Malt Shop from Oogieloves. As for the band itself:
Snob: With a name like "Boys R Us", you're just asking to be put on the sex offender list!
Then the ad suddenly changes from being pro-abstinence to be pro-... same-sex relationships, apparently.
Snob: What kind of ad is this? It's like watching VeggieTales if halfway through they fucked!
The Snob finding a scene in which children with no feeling in their arms get picked in their arms with forks Actually Pretty Funny, then stating that the movie had to hurt children to actually be funny.
At one point in the movie, there's an auction for "dinner for two with the handsome, the totally dreamy, Mr. Donald Trump." Snob/Brad's reaction is hysterical:
Marci: I love Donald.
Snob: Well, those words might come back to haunt you.
Dr. S: You can't be real. Who wants dinner with Donald Trump?
Marci's Friend: You don't have to touch him.
Marci: Maybe he's changed.
Snob: Oh, but he'll touch you, whether you want him to or not.
- Snob then notes that Trump isn't actually in the movie, apparently deeming the script "not nearly as worthy as Ghosts Can't Do It."
When Marci does a blatant piece of cultural appropriation when dancing at a club, the Snob goes ballistic:
Marci: Excuse me, DJ! We're going to explore multicultural harmony through self-expression!
Snob: [does an Eye Take] Please don't.
Marci: [wraps a mink wrap around her head like a headdress] OK, we are in Kenya.
Snob: Why isn't her agent stopping this?!
[Marci and friends start dancing]
Snob: It's a new dance they're doing, called the "I would have voted for Obama a third time if I could"!
When Marci and Dr. S are interrupted by a Latina woman:
Latina Woman: You have insulted my people!
Snob: True, I have been thinking that this movie is really insulting towards Latinos. [throws his hands up in confusion]
When Marci and Dr. S's story makes the front page of the National Enquirer, the headline above it reads "Why We Need David Arquette". Snob has his own answer to that question: Arquette's horror-comedy The Tripper makes for a better movie than Marci X. Also, he worries that he may still need him for a future "Friendsuary" month, since Arquette and then-wife Courteney Cox starred in The Shrink Is In together. To the Snob's dismay, he then realizes that movie was also directed by Richard Benjamin.
When Marci appears in a traditional African dress:
Snob: Yikes. I could see why it was controversial when Lisa Kudrow was cast as Nina Simone.^Explanation
When it's revealed that Dr. S's newest single is called "In the Butt":
Snob: This song is ass! You've heard of the third-act breakup? Well, here's the third-act sodomy plot!
When Marci's friends cheer her up after the scandal from the song:
Marci's Friend: Have you eaten anything?
Marci: I can't, I'm too upset!
Marci's Friends: [almost in unison] That's a good thing!
Snob: A-hahaha! They all have an eating disorder!
When, during a Senate hearing, Dr. S tries to turn "In the Butt" into Meaningless Meaningful Words about the plight of the African-American people with the help of Marci, Snob decides to refer to an external souce to understand it: Will It Fit?!
Snob: [to Dr. S] I don't know what you're saying, I'm gonna need another video to help me understand this!
[opens computer]
Will It Fit? Host: On today's Will It Fit?, we're gonna be celebrating Black History Month by shoving a life-size replica of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar up my ass, followed by this entire DVD set of Roots. And remember folks, when I say 'I'm smitten with the fittin'', what I really mean is 'slavery is bad.'
[closes computer]
Snob: Great, well, now it makes even less sense!
After Dr. S's mixtape manages to change Senator Spinkle's mind:
Snob: Is this what changes politicians' minds on things? Oh great, I can't wait to send Marco Rubio a DeBarge CD.
Then it's revealed that the Senator's son taped her dancing to Dr. S's music:
Senator Spinkle's Son: It's for your own good. I love you mom. In the butt.
[BUSH-WHACKED!]
Snob: Hmmm, no, I think it's a little bit south of Bushwhacked.
When Boys R Us reappears during the end credits, now dressed as the Village People:
Snob: Okay, the Village People aren't this gay.
The Snob's final summation of the film:
Snob: This is one of the most embarrassing things I've ever seen, and I've seen multiple people fuck several different variations of ET!
Snob says that while it somehow snuck past the Razzies, it did get nominated for a number of Stinkers Bad Movie Awards categories - "a fact alone that makes them the superior bad movie awards!"
Snob doesn't know what's more shocking: five positive reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, or Armond White not being one of them.^note
The Snob's goodbye to Friendsuary:
Snob: And that concludes Friendsuary, which is going to be really surprising for those who thought there were six Mondays in February.^Explanation But we'll be back to much more happier material next week: A lot of people getting brutally murdered.

Death Wish 3

The Snob runs into set issues mere seconds into the beginning of the review, trying to push closed a door that keeps opening, but he isn't stressed out about it.
Snob: All I really need for a Cinema Snob episode is just a chair, a Caligula poster and Charles Bronson killing hundreds of people!
The Snob's description of the beginning of the movie:
Snob: [The Cannon Group's logo is shown] With Charles Bronson being one of The Cannon Group's most lucrative stars, [Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer's logo is shown] it made sense that they'd want him to square off against a pack of angry lions...
[the movie opens with a funky theme tune]
Snob: ...and to get funky!
Being experienced with the filmography of The Cannon Group, Snob finds some... old friends, for lack of a better word.
Snob: The film was produced by ["Produced by Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus" appears on the film's credits] Yeah-no-fucking-shit.
The Snob's Actor Allusions:
Snob: [when a punk played by Alex Winter is shown waking up] Quick, wake up Alex Winter while's he's killing time waiting for Bill & Ted to be made!
[later]
Snob: [when Manny Fraker is shown being freed on bail] Makes sense he made bail, he was needed on the set of Willow ASAP! [shows Fraker's actor Gavan O'Herlihy as Airk Thaughbaer in Willow]
The Snob taking offense of the square-looking Inspector Shriker using the word "dude" frequently:
Shriker: Who's this dude?
Snob: You never used the word "dude" in your life!
Shriker: You're in big trouble, dude.
Snob: Stop saying that!
The Snob's reaction upon noticing a "Wanted" poster with a horse on it in the background at one point:
Snob: Why are they wasting so much time on Paul Kersey when apparently there's a murderous horse on the loose?!
[later]
Snob: And why he isn't letting out Kersey even though they still haven't found the damn horse yet?!
The running gag to Bronson's character and the food theme throughout the movie.
Snob: [after showing Kersey dining] And for dessert: Paaaain!
The abrupt nature that the doctor announces the death of a side character's spouse.
Doctor: Mrs. Rodriguez has expired.
Snob: Thanks Doctor Bedside Manner! Save some of that emotion for talking about Charlie!
The return of the crazy stare and violin sting from the Sex and the City reviews.
The Snob voices concerns about collateral damage in the final conflict between Kersey and the street gang.
- First:
  Snob: Perfect, Paul! You shot three gang members and ten people just leaving from the store!
- Also:
  Snob: You know two of those people were just auditioning for Fame!
- And again:
  Snob: Little does Paul know that most of these people are just celebrating a Super Bowl victory.
- And is it run into the ground after this point:
  Snob: There was a baby in that car!

Tugrats

Right off the bat, Snob had to let out a Big "NO!" to the material that he's reviewing.
The Snob's introduction of the film.
Snob: Hey kids, you like the Rugrats? Oh boy, oh boy, I'm about to ruin that for ya! From the creators of "Your Childhood Is Now Ours To Fuck," comes Tugrats. That's right, it's the Rugrats porno spoof that you didn't know you wanted, probably because you didn't want it.
Upon seeing production company Wood Rocket's logo (a sexy astronaut riding a rocket literally made out of wood), the Snob summarizes that Wood Rocket specializes in "porno spoofs that make fucking a giant piece of wood seem more appealing."
When noting that Pornhub is involved in making the film, and that pausing a video on said site shows an ad saying "Make Any Girl Fuck"
Snob: Did you just try to sell me rape?!
Snob noticing something on Porn!Lil's arm:
"Who gave this baby a tattoo?!
Suggesting that the Tugrats are going to start some "Not My Gerber Baby" campaign due to them all being dressed like toddlers.
The Snob noting the Implausible Deniability of the characters stating that they are adults now, even though they still act like babies.
Porn!Chuckie: [on playing hide and seek] That game's for babies. [looks straight into the camera] And we're clearly not babies, we're adults now.
Snob: I get it! You're still going to hell!
Snob lampshading the fact that he pretends every actor with a shaved head and facial hair is him.
The overall "This is so wrong" vibe through the review:
Porn!Chuckie: Who could that be?
Snob: It's the cops. You're all going to jail.
"Everything about this movie has a restraining order against dignity."
Of course, a Will It Fit? was bound to fit in.
Snob: Now let's get this Comic-Con orgy underway! Who brought the Cynthia doll to shove up my ass?
Will It Fit? Host: I did!
Snob shows a screenshot of him googling the porno. The first result? "Urban Dictionary: fuck you."
When Porn!Chuckie has an hallucination of Reptar having a Raging Stiffie, Snob says that Reptar's "green icing" would still be better than the Reptar bar (which Brad tried on an episode of Brad Tries... shortly before this episode).
The Snob even manages to riff the props he finds in the room where Porn!Chuckie and Porn!Angelica^noteLena Paul end up having sex.
Snob: I gotta give props to... well, the props; [highlights a stuffed cat] it's the only pussy that I don't have to black-box here.
[later]
Snob: [shows an action figure with its arms outstretched] Even the action figure in the shot is pleading for help!
After noting that the porno ends with Porn!Chuckie and Porn!Angelica having sex:
Snob: Damn, someone's gonna be really disappointed that this movie ended before getting to the cast orgy, but that person is now in prison, so he's really no threat to any of us.
With such a short review, the Snob had to get cameos to pad it out. So who is brought on board? Lewis Lovhaug and Laura Luke Jones as a principal and student for cameo school!
Snob: That... was odd.

Monguito (The Argentinian E.T.)

Snob describing the movie's box cover◊ as the movie's showgirls "revolting against the cast at the movie's premiere."
Snob states that the movie's director also directed a film titled Yesterday's Boys Didn't Use Hair Fixers. Something about the title instantly summons Walt Right.
Walt Right: I've been saying that for years...
Snob: What? You've never said anything like that in your life!
When the production company appears in the credits, called Aries:
Snob: Fuck off, I'm a Sagittarius!
Being a movie in Spanish, the fake subtitles return. This time it's even lampshaded by the very first subtitles:
Subtitles: Say it with me: The subtitles are fake!
"I'm getting a Ghost Fever vibe from this movie! We shouldn't be getting a Ghost Fever vibe!" It becomes a Running Gag, to the point Snob claims Ghost Fever should be called "American Argentinian E.T.".
The Running Gag of the many, many musical numbers in the movie:
- Upon the first musical number, the Snob notes that, since this review was released in March, he managed to do Musical March in September in March.
- Noting that an E.T. musical is at least better than yet another E.T. porno.
- At the beginning of a particularly sultry number:
  Snob: It's taken four E.T. pornos and five foreign ripoffs, but I finally have a boner.
- Noting that he was reviewed other movies who had spontaneous lounge acts (such as Mr. No Legs and Another Son of Sam), but this one feels like it's entirely made up of spontaneous lounge acts
- After a particular Disco number by one of the showgirls:
  Snob: I think I know this movie; it's the one where E.T. finds a Muse who helps him open a roller disco.
- His final complaint about the musical numbers? Not including "Johnny Fucking Charro!"
When the movie ends with Monguito making the protagonists' car fly:
Snob: Argentinian Grease is stupid!

Let There Be Light

Snob pointing out how the film is nearly beat-for-beat identical to Jesus, Bro!:
Snob: Let There Be Light is the story of a celebrity atheist who shoots hoops, has a sassy best friend, and through an incident involving alcohol, has a near-death experience, is told to let Jesus into his life, and is sent back to Earth, where he converts to Christianity, rebuilds his relationship with his family, meets quirky characters with similar experiences, is ostracized by his former associates, and gets back together with an old love who is also a Christian, which leads to a wedding scene. [all of this is said while showing scenes of Jesus, Bro!] Oh wait, that's a completely different movie, let me start over. [proceeds to repeat the same description word by word, this time showing scenes of Let There Be Light]
Snob notes that the film's opening is... not subtle at all.
[the film begins with a scene with the Twin Towers and a plane]
Snob: Ugh, this is either 9/11 or the ending of the Super Mario Bros. (1993) movie! Either way, not good news! But relax, folks! We've also got images of the Boston bombing, and Je Suis Charlie! Plus, there's Sean Hannity! Another disaster! Whoa, what? Sean Hannity jokes in a review of a movie executive-produced and starring Sean Hannity? What the fuck? I'm shocked by this!
After seeing the name of Kevin Sorbo's wife Sam Sorbo in the credits, Snob states that her name "sounds more like an Asylum knockoff of Sam Spade."
Snob introduces Dr. Sol Harkens as "diet Richard Dawkins, caffeine-free Christopher Hitchens."
Snob isn't amused by Harkens' showboating:
Harkens: ...for sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll!
Snob: You're not cool, dad!
When the Christian minister is finally given a chance to speak:
Christian Minister: John 3:16: For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son...
Snob: Thanks, no one knows that one.
"I don't know if I like this Sol guy, I've got my 'Fuck Sol' line all queued up..."
Snob saying that Harkens' ex-wife Katy "speaks in lines that feel like she was up all night planning them."
Sol: This carnival act, it pays the bills around here.
Katy: Well, who pays the emotional bills?
Snob: [matter-of-factly] Hannity.
"Now son, this is a Christian movie, so we have to get to the obligatory 'shooting hoops' scene."
Snob's disappointment in seeing character actor Daniel Roebuck appearing in the film as Harkens' publicist Norm.
Norm: Darling, it wasn't a debate, I'm telling you, it was a massacre!
Snob: You were in The Fugitive! ... darling.
After seeing one of Harkens' friends being condescending with Harkens' model girlfriend:
Snob: You're a model, you must be dumb! But at least you're not dumb enough to own a copy of Let There Be Light... [pulls DVD case out of jacket; in a flat, defeated tone] ...like I fucking do. [tosses it aside]
This little gem:
Norm: What if we do a t-shirt that says "ISIS = Church"?
Snob: Damn right I know I'd worship the ground Isis walks on! That is what we're talking about, right? She's a goddess.
"Unfortunately, Sol crashes the car and is immediately sent into The Lawnmower Man's anus."
"I just can't take this scene seriously without a Santa Christ!"
When Harkens' dead son title-drops the film:
David: Daddy... Let there be light!
Snob: You must prove God's Not Dead! I Can Only Imagine what you must be going through! Please don't leave me Voiceless! Saving Christmas! War Room!
"He's taken right away to Hospital General. It's right next to Lives of Our Days Hospital."
When a doctor who's a big fan of Sol introduces herself:
Dr. Patel: I'm halfway through "Aborting God".
Snob: Oddly enough, she wasn't talking about the book.
When seeing that one of Harkens' works is titled Hercules.
Snob: Wait a minute, Hercules? That's clearly a reference to his popular series, Andromeda.
The Snob notices another poster for The God Virus and assumes that it is a physical virus that is making Sol act so weird.
Snob: Go away, God Virus! You're not talking me into infecting my computer!
The Snob at one point has to admit that Kevin Sorbo's acting is too good for this movie... then remembers that this is a movie directed by Sorbo himself, and co-written by his wife.
Snob refers to Pastor Vinnie's explanation of the phrase "let there be light," as being a deleted scene from Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas''.
"This is a lot of Hercules fans after K-Sorbs tweets something:"
Sovereign: DISAPPOINTED!!!
After the movie does yet another Title Drop:
Snob: Now what kind of movie is this, title-dropping yourself like that?
Willy Whitehead:^noteBrad's character in Jesus, Bro! Jesus, bro!
Snob: All right, well that one's okay. Everyone gets at least one title drop.
At one point, when the mom feels the first symptoms of her cancer, he dubs in a fart noise to make it look like the mom shit her pants.
Once again, Snob's wrong answers to the cameos:
Snob: [when Dionne Warwick shows up] Holy shit it's Grace Jones!
Snob: [when Sean Hannity shows up] And there he is, Tucker Carlson himself!
Snob's uncomfortable surprise to find Sean Hannity's acting to be decent. Which leads him to conclude that this is the case because he's not playing himself.
The Running Gag where he keeps making fun of strange things that Kevin Sorbo has tweeted.
Snob's final summation of the film:
Snob: Fuck Sol! [looks at Windy City poster behind him] Not this Sol, I'm okay with him now. [points at DVD case] This Sol! Fuck this Sol!

Baby Huey's Great Easter Adventure

So, did the spirit of Easter make the Snob more happy? Certainly not, going by the intro:
Snob: [seemingly happy] Happy Easter everyone! [angry] Here's a rotten egg!
After going by the movie's synopsis, animated character Baby Huey getting a live-action Direct to Video film:
Snob: Oh, a live-action film about a giant, diaper-wearing duck who befriends a school kid. Can't wait to see how this turns out, I'm sure it'll transition well to live-action.
[shows Baby Huey on a swing]
Snob: [laughs] That's nice— POLICE!
After noting that most of the crew of the film also participated in Animal House,^note Snob describes the film as Animal House if Bluto sobered up and became a giant duck.
Snob: Get back to drinking!
This:
Bernie: One...plus one...is...?
Snob: THREE!
Bernie: Two!
Snob: FUCK!
When Nick's mom is revealed to be played by Maureen McCormick (Marcia Brady on The Brady Bunch):
Snob: Holy shit it's Laurie Partridge!
When Nick gives Baby Huey his name, he winds up knocking over a pole. Snob's response?
Snob: I changed my mind. Your name is CLUMSY FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!
Snob recognizes one of the neighbors worried about Baby Huey:
Snob: Sure, Denny Dillon has no problem wiping the sweat off Tony Manero's head, but not a greasy man inside a duck costume.
Snob keeps insisting that Baby Huey is a grown man in a duck costume and implying that he's actually a pedophile.
Snob: Then they cut the costume off to find a fat, sweaty Joe Petto!
Then we get to this line:
Baby Huey: Oooh, lots of kids! Mmmm, lots of fun!
Snob: ...Someone saw the line in the script "Oooh, lots of kids! Mmmm, lots of fun!" and still thought it would be an okay idea to put that line in the movie!
Even in this film a "Will It Fit?" joke managed fit in.
Snob: [when Baby Huey mounts a seesaw] There's no kids at the playground when Huey decides to play "Will It Fit?" with the handle of a teeter-totter.
Snob's Actor Allusion when the kids hatch a plan to search for Baby Huey:
Snob: Nick's actor Michael Angarano has a plan, though: Get a much better role in The Knick.
Snob/Brad's way of enjoying the married life the only way he can:
Snob: As terrible as this movie is, nothing can beat the comedy of watching your wife try to sleep while the movie is playing.
[shows somebody lying between sheets on a bed rolling around while a musical number appears in the movie]
- Sure enough, Laura Luke-Jones is credited as "Sleeping Wife" at the end.
Snob finishes the review by providing the most logical explanation as to why a movie about a man in a duck costume counts as an Easter story:
Snob: Happy Easter, everybody! This movie is the real reason why Jesus left!
This little exchange when Huey gets into a bunk bed:
Kid: You got topsies!
Huey: Oh boy!
Snob: PHRASING!

Jason X

Snob's opening lines:
Snob: And now Jason is in outer space? Who does he think he is, a Leprechaun? Or a Critter. Or Pinhead. Or James Bond.
Snob saying that the film is where it became increasingly unrealistic, then stating he misses the more grounded elements of previous installments.
Snob: This series has gone too far! Go back to being a grounded series about a mother avenging the death of her son, who later comes back to kill teenagers all of his own, then is killed and is brought back to life after being struck by lightning, and then fights a girl with telekinetic powers, and then boards a ship to New York where he melts back into being a kid, and then comes back as a body snatcher.
"The 2001 film Jason X should've probably be called 'Look, we had to do something while Freddy vs. Jason was in Development Hell.'"
When David Cronenberg appears:
Snob: Holy shit it's David Lynch!
When the opening sequence ends with Jason being cryogenically frozen:
Snob: And then Jason became Captain America. He doesn't really save the world, he mostly just kills fornicating teenagers.
When the future students find Rowen:
Snob: "Leave her here folks, we've already got one actress from Andromeda, we don't need two."^note Although this is a much better Andromeda cast film... [shows the title card for Snob's review of Let There Be Light]
This part after Jason is revived:
Snob: [as Jason] Daddy's got a boner!
When Jason approaches his first victim after being revived:
Snob: Let me guess, another lame machete kill.
[shows the infamous scene of Jason dunking a woman's head into liquid nitrogen,^note then smashing her frozen face on the table]
Snob: [does an Eye Take, then claps amused]
Snob finds his Bond One-Liner stolen:
[Jason kills a soldier by knocking him from a ledge and he's impaled by a large, rotating drill, after which he rotates around as his body slides down the thread]
Snob: He's screwed.
Geko: He's screwed.
Snob: FUCK YOU!
When one of the characters mentions a Great Offscreen War:
Crutch: Lucky you weren't alive when the Microsoft conflict, we were beating each other with our own severed limbs.
Snob: Oh come on, Windows Vista wasn't that bad.
After Kay-Em is upgraded (and put into a skintight leather costume) only for Jason to throw a knife at her chest.
Snob: Relax folks, my erection is still very much alive!
Snob refers to the more serious and somber first installment where the killer was a mother who lost her mind after the tragic death of her young son...then cutting to the scene of Kay-Em beating up Jason.
Snob: Suck on that! Android vs. Zombie Jason, bitch!
The many puns about the name of the nanomachine-empowered Jason, "Uber Jason".
Snob: He's like regular Jason, but stronger and more metallic, plus he'll drive you to your destination point at a really low cost.
Snob: Uber Jason is in the ship, but never shows up at the right destination point.
This reaction to a shuttle blowing up while trying to fly away from the ship:
Snob: Still better than Enterprise.
Regarding Janessa's last words before getting sucked out of the airlock: "This sucks on so many levels!"
Snob: It's the line that dared all the negative reviews to use that quote, and they all took the bait.
Snob describing Broadsky's Heroic Sacrifice by pushing Jason into atmospheric re-entry, burning them both up, as "Broadsky badasses himself along with Jason."

"Sex and the City 3"

Snob's very first words, explaining how the hell he is reviewing a film that doesn't exist:
Snob: What? You thought that Sex and the City 3 was cancelled? Not true, ladies and gentlemen. While in our universe the Sex and the City 3 film was cancelled due to Kim Cattrall not reprising her role, I have traveled deep into an alternate universe to find a Sex and the City 3 film which will answer all the burning questions. […] Let's find out, in Sex and the City 3.
"Samantha": Oh stop being so repressed. How's this for going all in: Last night Smith fucked me so hard, I had to use a ShamWow to suck up the wet spot on my bed.
Snob: Pft-Bwahaha! It's a porn parody.
Snob reading the resumes of the main cast.
- Kayla Page is Porno!Carrie.
  Snob: She was Rachel in Friends... the XXX Parody.
- Brittany Andrews, Porno!Samantha, was in a film called Tight Club.
  Snob: Wait till you see what they do with the bar of soap in that! And don't spoil the twist!
- "The movie also features Evan Stone as Big because... well, yeah."
- When he explains that Carrie's actress has been in a film called "Her First Lesbian Sex Vol. 21."
  Snob: If it's her first, then why is there twenty one of them?!
Snob's utter shock throughout the episode that a blandly-titled porno film wound up being a significantly more faithful — and even compelling — adaptation of the actual series than either of the two films, despite those having been written by one of the series' actual writers.
- The first sign of this is when Snob runs down the plot of the film:
  Snob: The plot has to do with Carrie and Big leaving for L.A. and the girls not knowing what to do without Carrie's advice, plus Harry is desperate to fuck Charlotte in the ass, Steve and Miranda experiment with a threesome, and Samantha dumps Smith for another lover. This… um, sounds plausible: Carrie did move to France with Petrovsky, leaving the girls adviceless; Miranda answered a threesome ad when she wasn't picked as a possible third, Charlotte referenced anal sex, Samantha was always leaving Smith… [shaking his head in disbelief] This sounds like a way more appropiate movie than the actual 'Sex and the City' movies! […] And it sounds like [the film's director Lee Roy Myers] would have been a way better fit for a 'Sex and the City' movie than Michael Patrick King, who was an actual writer for the show! What the fuck alternate universe am I living in?!
- At one point he gets so invested in the film's story that he winds up getting angry at the porn scenes for interrupting the drama.
- Then, when the movie ends:
  Snob: The only good Sex and the City movie is the porno spoof! And it's from the director of Strokémon! WHAT THE FUCK!
After the name of the film's production company (New Sensations) appears in the opening, the Snob claims that "the movie reminds us of INXS's brief involvement in the porno world."
This:
Porno!Carrie: One of the best things about living in New York City is that it feels like New Yorkers by large have more sex than people living any other place.
Snob: Pagan Rome disagrees with you.
Laura Luke-Jones returns as Fake!Carrie... when the parody already made a "I couldn't help but wonder" gag.
Fake!Carrie: I couldn't help but wonder; could I still parody the 'I couldn't help but wonder moments', even though the movie already does that?
- Later, Fake!Carrie makes a reference to Will It Fit?
  Fake!Carrie: [during the lesbian four way scene] As I looked at Charlotte's fist, I couldn't help but wonder, will it fit?
This part when the movie itself does an Actor Allusion to Sarah Jessica Parker:
Porno!Carrie: I do have some rather big news to share with all of you
Porno!Miranda: You're writing another book?
Porno!Charlotte: You're pregnant!
Porno!Samantha: You're doing a sequel to Footloose?^noteParker was in Footloose
Snob: Footloose? So I guess Carrie Bradshaw is Sarah Jessica Parker? It's canon now.
Despite the surprising spot-on lookalikes, Brad is disappointed that Porno!Charlotte lacks the crazy eyes for Snob's "Psycho" Strings gag.
Porno!Charlotte: I don't know whether I should cry tears of joy or cry tears of sadness! I'm so happy for you, but—
[the scene freezes over "Psycho" Strings while Porno!Charlotte has a random expression on her face]
Snob: [annoyed] See? That didn't work! Not nearly as scary!
This gem:
Snob: Sure, [Porno!Steve and Porno!Miranda] could put an ad on Craiglist, but it may come to haunt her if she decides to run for Governor.^note
When Snob notes that Porno!Smith cheated on Porno!Samantha, which parallels how in the actual series Samantha did actually cheat on Smith, Snob says that the movie's "got more dirt than Dirt Soda!"^noteA product Brad tried on Brad Tries...
Snob notes that Porno!Harry is much more hairless than the actual series' actor. Then, when he and Porno!Charlotte have a sex scene, Snob notes that Porno!Harry is hairless everywhere.
Snob: I guess in the show, when he waxed his body hair, that included his balls.
When the woman who answers Porno!Steve and Porno!Miranda's ad turns out to be a nasally-voiced woman.
Snob: You're getting your Janice from Friends in my Sex and the City!
When the "heartfelt goodbye" between the girls is revealed to be a lesbian four-way, the Snob is… a little excited about it.
Porno!Carrie: [after being kissed by Porno!Samantha] What the fuck was that?
Snob: That was my fanfiction!

A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master

Snob's summation of the raison d'etre of the film:
Snob: A Nightmare on Elm Street 3 was a fan favorite of the series, which gave some backstory to Freddy while providing a conclusion to the Elm Street kids and gave a reasonable ending to the story. Anyway, it made a lot of money, so here's Elm Street 4: The Dream Master.
Upon seeing that Rick is a martial arts enthusiast, Snob exclaims that "This Cobra Kai pilot is the tits!"
This part when Kincaid's dog enters his room.
Kincaid: [to the dog] Jason.
Snob: When I said I wanted Freddy vs. Jason, I didn't mean for Freddy to fight a dog!
Then when said dog starts urinating fire.
Snob: Maybe Freddy versus a dog isn't such a bad idea after all. [shows the poster of Man's Best Friend]
When Snob sees that the junkyard from the climax of the previous film is revisited here in the form of an entire planet in the dream world, he refers to it as "Planet Peter Schilling."
When Kristen discovers that her mother had slipped her sleeping pills.
Snob: Kristen is gonna have to deal with either Freddy or Bill Cosby. I'm not sure which; both are bad news.
This bit of Black Comedy after Freddy kills Sheila:
Debbie: But she was going to be a doctor…
Snob: [as Sheila's corpse is loaded into an ambulance] Well… she is still going to the hospital…
After mocking one of the characters, Dan, for looking thirty.
Snob!Dan: By the way, tell the idiot reviewing this that I'm 21! That comment about me being thirty really pissed me off!
When Rick has a dream that he's inside a dojo.
Snob: Rick has arrived just in time we're set to begin this Kung Tai Ted crossover.
When Freddy shows Alice that he's made a pizza out of the souls of his victims.
Snob: Pizza Hut has gone too far! Stick with finding new places to put cheese!
During Alice's montage of readying herself to face Freddy.
Snob: We're gonna have to get way more '80s to survive this movie, let's badass-montage the shit out of this. She may not defeat Freddy, but she stands a strong chance at beating the fuck out of Ivan Drago's daughter.
Alice: [looking at herself in the mirror] Fuckin' A.
Snob: Yeah, toodles poodles!
Snob manages to "miss" even an Alice Allusion:
Freddy: Welcome to Wonderland!
Snob: I see, Sleeping Beauty reference.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child

The nicknames Snobs gives to Mark, including "Lenny Luthor," "Brock of Seagulls," "Frankie Goes to Springwood," and "member of Human League."
When Freddy calls his mom a bitch, Snob expresses his dislike of Rob Zombie's version of A Nightmare on Elm Street. Also, he demands that the movie end with Amanda Krueger grounding Freddy lest she wants to be labelled as a bad parent.
Snob's Actor Allusions:
Snob: [Greta's mom] desperately wants her to become a model by essentially starving her; on the plus side, her mom gave her the advice to change her name to Selena Swift and to try out for 'Invitation of Love'.

Snob: [after seeing Alice explaining Freddy's story to her friends, and Yvonne scoffing at her] And you know The Lost Boys, how are you scoffing?! ^Explanation

Snob: [later in the movie, when Yvonne is at an asylum searching for clues] You were in The People Under the Stairs, you know which part of the house to look in! ^Explanation
Snob's recap of Greta's death scene. All of it.
Snob: Meanwhile at the Deetzes' house, we're going to recreate that Harry Belafonte moment if we have to throw a dinner party every night!

Snob: [when Freddy appears and force-feeds Greta to death] This is actually an explanation for the "Fat Snob" years: I haven't slept in six years! Take that, dreaming!

Snob: Unfortunately, she dies before I could make a Meaning of Life reference.

[when Greta finally falls dead]
SFX: Day-o!
Snob: Well, the night wasn't a complete failure!
When Freddy is shown feeding his victims' souls to Jacob in the womb, the Snobs calls it "the darkest opening credits sequence of any of the Look Who's Talking films."
When the movie has a scene about whether Alice should get an abortion, Snob states that it makes the movie "a better abortion movie than Voiceless."
When Mark, who's a comic book geek, is pulled into a comic book world, which is represented by rotoscoping:
Snob: But there stil needs to be an a-ha reference.
[the opening bars of "The Living Daylights" are played over Mark being pulled into the comic book world]
Snob: What? I didn't say it would be "Take on Me."
When Mark confronts Freddy:
Snob: Finally, the one hero who stands a chance at defeating Thanos!
[Mark transforms into the superhero he created]
Mark: Time to die, you scar-faced limp dick!
Wade Wilson: Well, that's just lazy writing.
When Alice is giving Freddy a Kirk Summation, Snob dubs over it with the "Jesus is the Lord of this house" monologue from War Room.
Snob: [in Jive Turkey] Oh, Freddy done got his butt kicked!
Snob manages to pull his "Holy shit, it's [similar person]! gag on a cadaver.
Snob: [when Yvonne discovers Amanda Kruger's corpse] Holy shit, it's Norman Bates's mom!

Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare

The Running Gag where Snob is excited for the film's 3-D effects and repeatedly tosses a foam football at the camera.
- First, at the very beginning:
  Snob: Oh boy, Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare, the 3-D Freddy movie! Oh don't you worry, I've got all of my props in my pocket, we're gonna throw so much shit at the camera!
  [throws the foam football at the camera, only for it to be shown limply falling at his door]
  Snob: Oh right, the 3-D isn't untl the last 10 minutes of the movie, that football didn't come anywhere close to flying out of the screen.
- Later, when a pair of 3-D glasses appear on the film:
  Snob: Oh boy! This is gonna be so much fun! [throws again the foam football at the camera, and it again limply falls at his door] Huh. Either I'm a shit thrower or the 3-D isn't on yet. It's probably both.
- When the 3-D effects finally come on and Katherine Krueger shows it off by waving her arms in front of the camera:
  Snob: Ooh yes! An arm! That's how you know we're in the third dimension! [reaches over] It looks like I'm jerking you off now! Plus! [tosses the foam football] That's in your living room now! Even if that's not where you're watching this!
On the film's tagline, "They Saved the Best for Last."
Snob: I can think of two things wrong with that tagline!
Snob sums up the movie's premise as Freddy searching for his biological offspring, to which Snob complains that 1) that sounds like it should have been the plot of the previous film, given that its subtitle was The Dream Child, and 2) Snob claims that Snob himself is Freddy's son, in reference to the title card art for the review of that film featuring Snob as a baby held by Freddy.
Snob gets excited when the movie brings back the quotes at the beginning (this time one from Friedrich Nietzsche) and is ready to throw one of his own funny quotes... only for the movie to add its own funny quote from Freddy (the "Welcome to Prime Time, bitch!" quote from Freddy from Part 3)
Snob: What the fuck? I didn't add that, the movie added its own funny quote! I am so mad, I'm gonna add my own funny quote just out of spite!
[shows the "I threw my grandmother down a flight of stairs." quote from Grady from Part 2]
When "John Doe's" house is flown to the sky:
Snob: You may be wondering why I'm not making a Wizard of Oz reference.
[Freddy appears out of the window dressed as the Wicked Witch of the West and riding a broom]
Freddy: I'll get you, my pretty! And your little soul, too!
Snob: Because the movie did it for me. I don't think that this is gonna be one of the creepy Freddy movies.
When Spencer (played by Breckin Meyer) appears:
Snob: Holy shit it's Seth Green!
The Snob demonstrating his disinterest with the film's It Was His Sled reveal by repeatedly revealing it.
Snob: That's Lisa Zane, of the siblings Zanes, who plays Dr. Maggie. She's Freddy's daughter. [in a completely deadpan expression] Oops, did I spoil that for you?

Snob: [later, when flashbacks of someone's childhood are shown] ...because [Maggie]'s Freddy's daughter. [still in a deadpan expression] Oh right, I'm supposed to think that "John Doe" is Freddy's son. Sorry I keep spoiling this.

[when "John Doe" finds a children's drawing signed "K. Krueger" and thinks that's his name]
"John Doe": "K. Krueger"? That could mean anything from Kevin to Kyle.
Snob: It's Katherine Krueger.
Even the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise isn't save from "Will It Fit?".
Orphanage Man: [holding a tube] Maggie, look what I found in Spencer's room.
Snob: [imitating Orphanage Man] "We warned you kids, no playing 'Will It Fit?' on hospital grounds."
The Snob's Actor Allusions:
- When Maggie's colleague is revealed to be played by Yaphet Kotto:
  Snob: Yaphet Kotto also has a role as Dr. Kananga, who's gonna see to it that his henchman crushes Freddy's balls like walnuts. Or... maybe he's playing a different character.
- Snob points out the most "notorious and out of place" cameo in the film: Roseanne Barr and Tom Arnold as an arguing couple.
  Snob: This scene became rather controversial when Roseanne decided to make her character a Freddy supporter.^Explanation
- Then immediately after the above:
  Spencer: We're in Twin Peaks here.
  Tracy: Definitely.
  Snob: No, it was the last movie that had Selena Swift in it. [shows Greta from the previous film]
- This:
  Snob: [when Spencer falls asleep in front of a broken TV] I see Breckin Meyer smashed the TV after Garfield came on, [the TV is turned on and a group of people including Carlos appear on it] but it's back on now so Carlos can return to playing a Back to the Future Part II bully. [shows Carlos's actor Ricky Dean Logan as one of the members of Griff Tannen's gang in Back to the Future Part II] Wow, this is the future.
This part when the characters visit Springwood's school:
Teacher: [pointing at a "1492" written on the chalkboard] 1493: Freddy sailed across the sea!
Snob: That prequel sounds stupid.
Snob starts lampshading his track record at "predicting" things:
Snob: [when Carlos falls asleep] ...and with that hearing aid, clearly something is going to happen to his eyes. I have been so good at predicting these things so far!
[Carlos is stabbed in the ear by Freddy]
Snob: Damn. Wrong again.

Wes Craven's New Nightmare

Snob continuously praising the movie for its metafictional creativity and performances, especially Robert Englund's return to form as a more seriously creepy Freddy Krueger. Why is this funny? Because Snob is angry that he's reviewing a good movie and thus has very little to complain or be a smartass about.
Snob reaching the logical conclusion of his "Holy shit it's [similar person]" joke in his Nightmare on Elm Street reviews: Using in on Wes Craven himself.
Snob: Holy shit it's John Carpenter!
The Running Gag of Snob thinking about Glenn, Nancy Thompson's boyfriend from the first movie, any time the fact that Heather Langenkamp (Nancy's actress) is married to another man, Chase, is brought up.
Snob: [when Heather is shown kissing Chase] And why is Heather cheating on Glenn? Glenn is real!

Snob: [later, when Heather is told of Chase's death] Chase may be dead, but saddle up Glenn, we're ready for round two!
The telephone harrassing scene. All of it.
Snob: Maybe another title would have been "When a Freddy Calls."
Heather: [answering the phone] Hello?
Freddy: One, two...
[Heather hangs up]
Snob: You didn't even let him finish!
Heather: [answers again] Hello...
Freddy: Freddy's coming for you!
[Heather hangs up again]
Snob: There, now she can go on about her day. [as Heather opens the door to her babysitter] When there's a When a Stranger Calls reference there is definitely a babysitter. [imitating Heather] "Come on in, there's no way you're making it through all of this. Can I make you some eggs... hang on a sec."
Heather: [answering the phone again] Leave us alone you son of a bitch!
Snob: [still imitating Heather] "There! Now how do you want your eggs?"
When Heather has a meeting with a producer:
Snob: Heather has a meeting with— Oh my God, the lecturer from Part 4! This movie has everybody! Actually, that's also producer Robert Shaye. [Beat] Why did I just "Actual Lee" myself?
When Snob explains that in the film, Wes Craven is writing the script of the film within the film because he's having nightmares:
Snob: That's the same thing that caused him to do Music of the Heart: Constant nightmares of being strangled with a violin cord.
After the illusion of Heather's son being dragged to a grave by Freddy.
Snob: Eh, not the strangest funeral I've seen lately.
[shows the illusion of Rick from Part 4 rising from his coffin and saying "Hello baby!"]
Snob: There were no Big Bopper references at Chase's funeral.
When the movie shows that Robert Englund's answering machine's message sounds sinister (due to the Ambiguous Situation on whether or not Freddy is influencing him), Snob explains that his answering machine's message is him giving the caller a bad review.

Star Babe

Snob begins the video still in his Elm Street T-shirt and poster of Part 2 on the wall, so he changes them with a snap of his fingers.
Even the poster is good material for riffing:
Snob: [reading from the poster] "Whoooshhh" Yeah, my penis has been spurting out nothing but air since around the second E.T. porn. "The first X-rated take off of 'you know what'" Finally, that porno spoof episode of "Spock's Brain" that we've been all been missing! "Dick and dick! What is 'dick'?"
Snob's reaction when he hears the film's opening narration mention a planet called (or that sounds like it's called) "Phelous"
Snob: Hang on, I need another transmission to double-check this.
Phelous: [extremely dry sarcastic voice] I get this question all the time. It's true, I come from the planet Phelous, you know, the fake planet from the 1977 porno film Star Babe. You wouldn't think that I'd get this question a lot, but to be fair, you're a fucking idiot.
Snob: Oh well, that solves that mystery!
After hearing one instance of complex Techno Babble:
Snob: Wouldn't be weird if this were the one science fiction film where Neil deGrasse Tyson tweeted out, "No, seriously, this one's accurate."
When Snob discovers that there's a monkey (clearly a man in a monkey suit) in the ship alongside the three protagonists, Snob claims that he believes that the movie is set in the same continuity as Sodom and Gomorrah: The Last Seven Days.^noteA previously Snob-reviewed movie that featured a space chimpanzee who spoke like John Wayne.
- Later on, when the man in the monkey suit reveals to have a stereotypical black accent, the Snob states that he misses "John Wayne monkey."
  "John Wayne monkey": Gonorrhea, pilgrim, and it's getting out of hand! Well that's right, we're gonna have to castrate the perverts!
  Snob: Now that's science I can get behind.
Being a Star Wars rip-off, the protagonists go to their own version of the cantina, called "The Anus". And of course the host of "Will It Fit?" is there.
"Will It Fit?" Host: Welcome to the Anus girls, it's the bar that "Will It Fit?" built. Did you bring your funnels? At the Anus, you take a shot rectally while sticking a fistful of salt in your mouth. It lubes up the hand before stuffing your ass with a whole lime. Even out bartender is an ass.
[shows a bartender in a Nixon Mask]
Snob: Between this and Driller: A Sexual Thriller, this is the second porno I've seen that has Nixon in it! Why was that a thing?!
When the man in a monkey suit tells an alien to leave in what sounds like stereotypical black jargon:
Snob: Stereotypical voices coming out of an alien caricature is really more of a prequels' thing.
After the protagonists retrieve their MacGuffin:
Snob: Give all that info to... I don't know, Captain Marvel?
Star Babe: [after a man appears on the screen of their ship] Captain Marvel^note is calling, he was eavesdropping on us.
Snob: Wait, is his name Captain Marvel? I was expecting better out of the second 'Infinity War' movie!

Carman: Great God

The Snob revisits the creator of "Satan Bites the Dust", Carmen Licciardello, a.k.a. Carman, pointing out that among his works was a rap song where he was Pretty Fly for a White Guy.
Snob: Man, In Living Color! was the best! This is why I relate to Carman so much: We're both from the streets.
The dialogue Snob dubs over Miss Adams, a student at Carman's (who's playing a teacher) class.
Carman: Tell us about the Dark Ages. You know, the place where you've been for the past ten minutes.
Snob!Miss Adams: Well, since you ask, you were definitely naked and riding a black stallion.
Carman: As the Grand Inquisitor would say, "Recite for us your doctrine."
Miss Adams: Um... sorry...
Snob!Miss Adams: Did I mention that I have all your posters on my wall, and my teddy bear is named Carman and has a picture of you stapled to his face? I love you!
When Carman produces a sword:
Snob: And who gave him a sword? How comes he gets to bring a sword to class, but the second I bring in a morning star [shows a morning star weapon] I get sent home! It wasn't even a weapon, it was a sandwich! [shows a sandwich from Morningstar Farms]

The Illusionauts

Being the first review made from Brad's new home, the Snob lampshades it immediately after the video begins by stating that he thinks that the wall has changed, but quickly dismisses it.

Stepfather 2: Make Room for Daddy

Snob decides to watch a clip from his review of the first Stepfather. It's the famous clip of Brad freaking out in front of a bathroom mirror trying to figure out whether he's Kung-Tai Ted, '80s Dan, or the Snob (in homage to the scene from The Stepfather where the titular killer forgets which identity he's meant to be using momentarily).
Snob: Ahhh, that's how I won my Razzie.
The Snob is baffled at how unintentionaly dirty the subtitle "Make Room for Daddy" sounds.
Snob: Hmph, so it's also a porno?!
- This becomes a Brick Joke later on when the movie actually does feature a sex scene.
  Snob: "Make Room for Daddy" indeed. It is a porno now!
Snob tags the film's recap of the previous film's gory, Trash the Set climax as "Previously, on Home Improvement."
When it's shown that the Stepfather has house replicas at the asylum he's in, Snob states that he understands him by lampshading again the fact that he's doing his videos from his new home.
Snob: I know the feeling of home perfection: I'm still not used to this new fucking wall yet, it's making me increasingly grumpy! Well... I'm sure that my old set is in safe hands.
[cut to Linkara at Snob's old set, complete with Lloyd and posters for Caligula and Zombi 2]
Linkara: What the hell am I doing here?
The presence of Meg Foster (and her famously pale eyes) in this film becomes a Running Gag of its own, especially as the Snob develops a crush for her.
- When she first appears:
  Snob: [to the Stepfather] Dude, what are you doing? Meg Foster will fuck you up!
- After we first get a good look at said famously pale eyes:
  Snob: Those are the most hynotic eyes that I've ever seen! I'll take this house!
- When Carol (Foster's character) offers to make dinner to the Stepfather:
  Snob: Woo-hoo-hoo, whatever you say... Hoo-damn those eyes! They could talk me into eating a jar of pickles! ^Explanation
- Like he did with the first film, Snob again hopes that the movie could remain a romantic melodrama, but this time he has a good excuse:
  Snob: Meg Foster's eyes have tamed the beast!
- At one point he adds laser blasts to a scene of Carol and the Stepfather looking at each other.
  Snob: I wasn't serious when I said that laser eyes were sorely missing from the first film.
- And it's not just her eyes that the Snob finds sexy, but also her voice.
  Snob: Why does she always sound so sexy? [...] Every line of hers sound like an erotic radio call-in host. Hoo-hoo, explains my erection now.
When the Stepfather starts angrily hammering nails after Carol's ex-husband appears:
Snob: I really don't see what the big deal is, that's what it sounds like when I masturbate.
When the Stepfather disposes of Carol's ex-husband's body by going to a junkyard:
Snob: Great, you just resurrected Freddy Krueger!
His response to the junkyard scene becoming a bizarrely cheerful driving scene that borders on being a Big-Lipped Alligator Moment:
Snob: ...this movie... is odd.
After a scene prominently features a can of Pringles:
Snob: God I could go for some chips and murder!
This scene after the Stepfather kills Carol's best friend:
Carol: My best friend just died Gene, and I just can't stop worrying about wedding arrangements.
Snob: [imitating the Stepfather] But honey, I need to murdeeer!
The Snob's Actor Allusions:
- When noting that Carol's best friend Matty is played by Caroline Williams.
  Snob: This is just like when she brought down Leatherface with a chainsaw and blackmail about his secret identity as a dead black man. ^Explanation
- What does Snob add to the scene of the (apparent) demise of the Stepfather? The title card of Lost, of course.
  Snob: Huh. Did not see that coming!

Carnosaur

The Snob noting the weird (and kinda unnecessary) title.
Snob: It's a Carnosaur! A carnivorous dinasaur! Such an idea has never been put on film! Stupid T-rexes always eating their salads and shit.
Seeing Clint Howard's name in the credits of this B-Movie elicits a "Yeah, no fucking shit!" from the Snob.
This:
Snob: [when a security camera is shown filming a cage full of chickens] We have installed the hidden camera to catch these chicks having a pillow fight. Chicks, bro!
And this:
Employee #1: What the hell is "extraneous organic matter"?
Employee #2: That's my wife you're talking about, "strangely orgasmic matter."
Snob: When she gets together with her friends they just cluck away like a cupful of hens! Hehehe— [angrily] CHICKS, BRO!
When Doc meets with some hippies and starts talking to them condescendingly
Doc: Oh, can I get anyone a tofu-burger-vegetarian-sprout-wheatgrass-sandwich?
Snob: Lamest Brad Tries... I've ever seen!
When Doc hears the Big Bad explain her Evil Plan of populating the world with carnosaurs, and he says that it sounds "like a great theme park," Phelous appears to sarcastically laugh at the reference.
When noting critic's reviews about the film, the Snob notes that Roger Ebert called the film "the worst film of 1993."
Snob: Look Who's Talking Now begs to differ!

The Wasp Woman

The title card of the episode: The Snob looking at the Wasp Woman... the MCU's The Wasp, that is.
The Snob tries to sell the film as the origin story of The Wasp comic book character.
Snob: It's a known scientific fact that you can't truly enjoy the Ant-Man and the Wasp movie without first knowing the origin story of The Wasp, or... The Wasp Woman, per se. The origin goes like this: When Dr. Zinthrop was fired from a bee company, he devised a special wasp jelly that causes one to de-age, which seems to help the career of an aging cosmetics company owner, only to turn her into the title character of The Wasp Woman. And somewhere along the way she can make salt shakers and Pez dispensers big. This is canon folks.
The Snob refering to the movie's poster, featuring a giant wasp with a woman's face threatening a man, as "every member of the He-Man Woman Hater's Club's worst nightmare."
The Snob's opinion's on the film's tagline, "A Beautiful Woman by Day — A Lusting Queen Wasp by Night."
Snob: That's not the best way to start your divorce proceedings in court!
The Snob asks who on Earth would be given the duties of directing such a film. Then the credits reveal that it's directed by none other than Roger Corman, of course.
Snob: Safe hands!!!
The Snob notes that there are different running times for the film due to another director coming along to shoot extra scenes to help pad out the running time, and that he has the longer version. He's not thrilled by the news.
Snob: Most copies of the movie list the running time at 63 minutes, my copy is 72 minutes, that's 9 minutes longer. [Beat] Goodie.
When Dr. Zinthrop shows off his experiments on reverse-aging.
Dr. Zinthrop: What do you see?
Man: I see a big dog and a little dog.
Dr. Zinthrop: They were exactly the same age.
Snob: Yes, but can we saw them together ass to mouth?
When the board of executives of Janice's company tells her that she's too old to continue being the face of the company.
Man #1: Well, that's about all I've got to say.
Man #2: And a darn good job of saying it too, I agree.
Snob: Then they all slapped their dicks together and talked about their problem with the blacks!
The Running Gag of Snob making up dialogue for one of the executives, which consists solely of variations of "Mmm, yes", "penis", or a combination of the two.
The Running Gag of how Janice's looks barely change after she's supposed to start rejuvenating.
Snob: They had to resort to wasp jelly before The '80s invented just taking off your glasses and letting your hair down.

Snob: [when Janice is starting to rejuvenate] Oh my God, it's already working! She went from looking perfectly fine to looking perfectly fine.

Snob: [when Maureen the secretary appears shocked at Janice's de-aging] My God, Janice, is that really you? You look so much the same!
At one point Snob complains that the movie is so short that it's practically an episode of Five-Second Movies, leading him to do a "TV edition" on Mad Men using a scene from the movie.
Man: Oh, women...
Woman: [chuckles] Men...
[The End]
At one point Snob mocks Dr. Zinthrop's baldness ("I think your hair may need a bit of jelly, you're never too bald for bad hat hair!"), before Snob touches his own shaved head and exclaims sheepishly, "Wait, I take that back..."
The Snob jokes that Maureen the secretary injected herself with jelly and became Chloe from Lloyd.
At one point Snob realizes something:
Snob: Hang on a second: Cosmetics factory, aging, science... She's gonna have to fight a Catwoman at the end of this, isn't it?
- Later at the climax, when Dr. Zinthrop throws a bottle of acid at a mutated Janice's face, the Snob says, "Nevermind Catwoman, she's The Joker now."
- Then when another character throws a chair at her pushing her out of a window, killing her, Snob retracts himself, saying "Oh, scratch that, she's Catwoman again."
Brad filmed this episode during a thunderstorm, leading to gems like this:
[when Maureen the secretary becomes distracted by Janice's de-aging]
Snob: Ooh hoo, that secretary wants to fuck Janice!
[thunder roars]
Snob: So does God!

Snob: Janice's beauty appears to render everyone in the room speechless.
[rain is heard pouring heavily]
Snob: Except the rain, it's still going!

[a cat-wasp mutant hybrid attacks Dr. Zinthrop]
Snob: Actually that wasn't because of the wasp jelly, that was because he buried Mittens at the Pet Sematary beforehand, that was highly unnecessary!
[thunder roars again]
Snob: Listen to the storm outside, there's dead people rising from the grave all over the fucking place!

Snob: [when showing that Dr. Zinthrop getting hit by a car is represented rather poorly by him walking off-view, then falling back on view after a screeching tires sound is heard] Speaking of confused, I think the doctor gets hit by a car? ... Or lightning hits him?

[after a character barely emotes at seeing Janice transform into her mutated wasp form]
Snob: Perfectly normal reaction to seeing that in front of your face.
[thunder roars yet again]
Snob: The sky seems scared-er than you are!

Snob: It was important that I reviewed this movie from Transylvania [weather goes quiet] Wait for it. Wait for it... [remains quiet] Oh, I guess the thunder stopped now. [thunder roars once again, Snob puts an "Of course" face]
The return of the crazy stare and violin sting from the Sex and the City reviews, this time on Janice.
Snob: I guess Charlotte York got her eyes from her grandma here.
When Roger Corman makes a Creator Cameo as a doctor in a hospital.
Snob: Holy shit, the doctor is Herschell Gordon Lewis!
At one of Janice's boardroom scenes, Snob dubs in the audio from the "DON'T FUCK WITH ME, FELLAS!" scene from Mommie Dearest.

Freddy vs. Jason

The title card is Jason and Freddy ready to duke it out...while Snob is in the background cheering on his "dad" (Freddy).
The video begins with Snob hyping up that "after years in the making, the crossover event of the century is finally here." Cue the Snob vs. Kung Tai Ted fight from the end of Snob's review of Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky.
Snob: What?! No, I'm not talking about that! I'm talking about the Freddy poster vs. the Jason shirt. One keeps you warm, while the other looks fantastic on the wall.
The Snob lampshades the fact that he burned through from the fourth to the seventh Elm Street movies in quick sucession a few weeks before this review,
Snob: Wait, is that why I watched all those Elm Street films a couple of months ago? I though I was stuck in a time loop.
The Snob gives his opinion about the script:
Snob: Dozens of spec scripts were written for this film over the course of thirty years, and this... was one of them.
Snob's opinion of a certain line from the trailer.
Trailer Narrator: Freddy vs. Jason.
Lori: Place your bets!
Snob: I bet a hundred dollars that that line isn't in the movie.
Snob notes that the director replaced long-standing Jason actor Kane Hodder because he wanted someone taller.
Snob: Making everyone else want a different director.
When the movie shows a montage of Freddy's kills through the Elm Street films, the Snob goes on to "show" clips from the Friday the 13th films in return, but all that appears is a black screen reading "Footage Owned by Paramount."
When Snob references the inconsistency of Freddy in this film being forgotten in Springwood, when the sixth Elm Street film showed that the aftermath of his rampage made that quite improbable, Snob drops a doozy of a reference.
Snob: How in the hell do you forget someone who killed so many kids that at one point, it rendered the town completely childless and caused Roseanne to go insane? ^Explanation
The Running Gag about the heavy metal soundtrack of the film.
- When the opening credits appear backed by a heavy metal riff:
  Snob: Freddy and Jason fight over their taste in heavy metal.
- Later when the ending credits appear, also backed by a heavy metal riff:
  Snob: And why do I suddenly feel like moshing?!
When, as part of Freddy's nightmares, a girl appears with her eyes gouged out:
Snob: Well, I'm not gonna play hide and seek if you're gonna cheat.
When Blake gets a Cat Scare via goat:
Snob: Ha ha, sweet dreams, now fuck a goat!
Snob manages to spot a then-unknown Evangeline Lilly as an extra.
Snob: Oh, I think this episode could also count as an Ant-Man and the Wasp tie-in.
The Snob is really up his game with the Actor Allusions here, especially with Linderman's actor Chris Marquette.
Snob: I'm doing a lot of summoning in this review, mentioning Eli Roth summoned Chris Marquette; he played Eli in The Girl Next Door!
Linderman: [to Kia] You know what Kia, I used to think that you hated me because you thought I wasn't good enough for Lori. That's not it. See, you tear me down to make yourself feel better—
Snob: No, she hates your for Race to Witch Mountain. She's okay with Fanboys.
The return of Snob adding creppy music, this time to Linderman's scenes.
Snob: Hmph, young Clay Walsh is obssessed.
To say that the Snob is disappointed that the film doesn't give a definitive winner of the fight between Freddy and Jason would be an understatement.
Snob: Will we find out who the true winner is? Or will they stop fighting because they realize their moms' name is Batman v Superman reference.
[Lori decapitates Freddy]
Snob: I guess Monica Keena wins. And 'bitch' is Freddy's line!
[Jason emerges from the lake carrying Freddy's head]
Snob: Oh, so I guess Jason wins.
[Freddy's head winks and his Evil Laugh is heard as the scene fades to black]
Snob: Just pick a goddamn winner! Is it really that hard?!
Since the movie doesn't give a definitive winner, Snob decides to pick a winner between his Elm Street reviews and Friday the 13th reviews instead. The result? The Friday the 13th reviews win because of "Jail", of course.

The Cinema Snob Movie

Right off the bat, Snob angrily questions the Recursive Canon nature of him not only reviewing an in-continuity movie about his origin story, but also how and why he somehow has a copy of the DVD that he (Brad) autographed along with other members of the crew.
Snob: What kind of sense does this make? So does The Cinema Snob Movie exist in the Cinema Snob universe? How am I able to talk about this? Oh, I'm sure that I can come up with something, blah blah blah Fat Grandma came up with some device that blah blah reach into alternate universes and blah blah Cinema Snob Movie.
When Snob explains that the movie is about his origin story:
Snob: Because we needed a 130 minute movie to explain the backstory of a guy who talks about movies on the internet. You want to know the real origin story? I had a lot of free time one day. The end.
When Craig Golightly first appears:
Snob: Who the fuck is that guy?!
When Craig is first refused permission for his film:
Snob: Should've asked 80's Dan. He would have given you the permits and a bag of cocaine.
Snob/Brad even manages to make a joke about Brad's acrimonious falling out with Jake Norvell, refering to his character Neil as "Neil McElephant in the Room."
When Gene (played by Spoony) shows up:
Snob: Holy shit, it's Linkara!
- Later on, when Gene appears again:
  Snob: Oh, Angry Joe, thank God you're still here!
- Later, when Dan fails to recognize Craig:
  Snob: Costume works like a charm. He thinks he's The Nostalgia Critic!
- When Gene returns:
  Gene: Geez, almost thought you guys forgot about me!
  Snob: Hell no, James Rolfe, get your funny ass in here!
After Neil procures some poles from a local sex shop, saying that he's not sure what they're for, but it's probably related to the anus, Snob assumes that the movie also doubles as an origin story for the Will It Fit? host.
- When the plot diverts from Craig and Neil trying to get their film made to Craig, Neil, and Gene having anchovies pizza because Craig never had one before, Snob complains that "if no one was asking for a Cinema Snob movie, then they definitely weren't asking for a Brad Tries... movie."
When Craig is getting his makeover to become the Snob:
Craig: [looking at his hair] I was wearing that hat so long, I didn't realize I'm going a little thin.
Snob: [touching his shaved head] Oh, it's gonna get worse, brother.
When Candy and Derek (played by a platinum-blonde Sarah and a clean-shaven Irving, respectively) approach Craig, Snob jokes that Craig is approached by the cast of Highlander: The Raven.
- Continuing his confusion over the minor Early-Installment Weirdness of the film, Snob remarks how weird it is that Irving is clean-shaven while the Snob has hair.
  Craig: I don't understand this movie: Snob has hair, Irving doesn't have a beard, mass hysteria!
When Craig complains about having to watch Being John Malkovich and Snob says that it isn't that bad of a movie, Snob realizes that he's disagreeing with himself, which appears to cause his head to explode... before he dissipates the effect.
Snob: Alright, alright, get that stupid effect outta here!
When Craig's speech about Salò is shown, it is also shown that Candy made some... suggestive reactions to it, to which Snob can only say that "This isn't the first time my voice has given someone an orgasm, apparently."
Arch's (Dave Gobble) death scene.
Snob: Here, I'll drop you off at your house-slash-the Cinema Snob's old house. Oops, shouldn't have said "slash"!
[Arch gets stabbed in the back]
Snob: That's for what you said about the DCEU, you son of a bitch! ^Explanation
As Craig and Nancy begin having sex, Snob notes that there are more awkward ways to watch it. Cut to Brad and Laura watching said scene while Laura stares daggers at Brad.
Brad: [uncomfortable] Hey, uhh...at least you're not watching the Baby Huey movie again.

Hillary's America

Right off the bat, the Snob addresses the controversy of taking on such a film headfirst:
Snob: I realize this episode isn't gonna be for everyone, but luckily there's good news on that front: You don't have to watch it! There's literally hundreds of other episodes to choose from. And if you're one of the unlucky few who is being forced to watch this episode because you have a gun pointed at your head, well, I'm sorry. That definitely is a bummer.
Snob clearly isn't short of compliments for the film's maker, Dinesh D'Souza.
Snob: Hillary's America is co-written and directed by Dinesh D'Souza, a forgotten Muppet who always looks like he's a bit too eager for his puppeteer to coat their hand in hot sauce and then shove it up his ass. [...] He's the Armond White of political commentators, in that if he was actually genuine about half the shit he says, he would've died 30 years ago due to poisoning from a consistent diet of eating nothing but soap and then trying to fuck a light socket. I mean that With All Due Respect.
When Snob wonders what studio could have released such a film, the Lionsgate logo appears.
Snob: Lionsgate, you're on notice!
When Snob sees that the distribution company is called Quality Flix, he calls it "the first conspiracy theory of the movie."
Due to the way it's arrangled in the credits, Snob reads production company D'Souza Media as "D'Souza D'Media"
Snob: [scoffs] This movie D'Sucks.
The Snob calls it a little ironic that the other co-writter of the movie has the last name "Schooley."
When D'Souza begins his complaints about the Obama administration, Snob brings up the famous photo of Obama kitesurfing.
Snob: I guarantee you that you think more about Obama than he thinks about you.
The fact that even this picture features Snob's much-disliked "day for night" effects.
Calling out on D'Souza's dramatization of his own conviction for being exaggerated and unconvincing, and then mocking the way how he phrases it during the dramatization of him serving his term.
Inmate: What are you in here for?
Dinesh D'Souza: A friend of mine was running for office, and I gave her more money than was allowed to give.^noteAKA Campaign finance violation.
Snob: [scoffs] Well, that was a cute way to phrase that! "Hey Hannibal, what are you in jail for?" [imitating Hannibal Lecter] "I had an old friend over for dinner..."
[...]
D'Souza: I think I might be the stupidest criminal in the history of American jurisprudence.
Snob: Finally, something we can both agree on!
When a battlefield scene uses an obvious Stock Scream, Snob snarks that "Democrats created the Wilhelm scream."
"This is the longest episode of Drunk History that I've ever seen!"
Of course Snob has something to say about how, during the dramatization of Woodrow Wilson screening The Birth of a Nation at the White House, a Klansman jumps out of the movie screen.
Snob: Although I question Dinesh D'Souza as a person, there's one thing you can't take away from him, and that's that he gave us truly one of the most baffling scenes in movie history.
[shows the scene in question]
Snob: Documentary. [long, long Beat]

Snob: I had no idea The Klan was created by a magical golden movie ticket!
The Running Gag on how the takedowns on Democrats are stupid, widely known, or ignoring how those traits are now done by those D'Souza supports.
At one point Snob even starts giving suggestions to D'Souza:
Snob: Guys, you didn't have to compare progressives to Nazis; all you had to say was that progressives suck because the show Here and Now is fucking terrible, then I would have supported you.
When D'Souza goes to the basement of the (supposed) headquarters of Hillary Clinton's campaign, the audio of the "Pepe Silvia" scene from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is played over the scene.
"A nuanced portrait of Hillary Clinton..." Cue a young Hillary giving a cartoonish laugh.
Snob's reaction when the movie portrays Hillary getting mad at Bill Clinton in an equally cartoonish manner.
Snob: Ooooh, that Bill's gonna get it now!
Snob theorizes that D'Souza's emphasis on Bill Clinton's sexual misconduct allegations actually stems from envy.
Snob: Dinesh D'Souza just doesn't like people who have more sex than he does: Bill Clinton had more sex than ten John Holmes; Dinesh D'Souza got dumped by Ann Coulter!
When the movie ends with overly-long montage of overly-patriotic American imagery.
Snob: If you like this movie, you have a micro-dick.
As Snob relays the movie's IMDb trivia page about how the movie outgrossed Michael Moore's film (a tidbit Snob theorizes was written by D'Souza himself), one can see that the trivia below is about how the movie is the first one Brad walked out on in Midnight Screenings.
Snob mentions how D'Souza's next movie, Death of a Nation, is implied to be about comparing Donald Trump with Abraham Lincoln (as its poster even feautures Lincoln's face transitioning into Trump's), to which the Snob says he hopes that means that both Lincoln and Trump "acted in Bo Derek movies."

Fateful Findings

Snob mentions how he forgot about this movie and I Am Here.... Now after Double Down, before showing a clip from the guy from I Am Here.... Now who says, in the dullest way possible, "Hell yeah, I'll do her. Damn. Twins."
Snob: And how could have I fucking forgotten about that movie?!
Snob then adds that he was reminded of Neil Breen when the trailer for his latest movie, Twisted Pair, was released a week before this review. We then see a clip from the trailer: Turns out that in that movie, Breen has an identical twin brother.
Snob: That's all I needed to see: I'm sold.
Snob commenting about the weird placement of the bandages put on Breen's character, which cover half his face.
Snob: And that's when Dylan decided to get the fuck out of there and go to a hospital where they don't just tape a jockstrap to your face.
Once again, the insanity that is Neil Breen isn't safe to Will It Fit?.
Dylan: [while holding a black rock] I feel like something's inside me.
Will It Fit? Host: I concur; it feels like an Alaskan salmon. We'll find out what it is once we return to Will It Fit?.
Snob noting the odd, awkward instances of Padding:
- After a scene of Dylan looking for his pills, only to decide to stop taking them:
  Snob: Glad we got that scene.
- After a scene of Dylan and his publisher sitting at the far ends of a table in silence:
  Snob: Fucking. Necessary.
The Running Gag of Breen's character's wife apparently being drunk/high, but her actress's acting making it look more like she's sleepy.
Snob: Your actress hasn't slept in 48 hours, you really should give her a break.
Snob: Ugh, this is what dating Alex Jones for two weeks does to a person.
After Breen's character and his wife argue, which once again due to their acting comes off as less dramatic than intended to be.
Snob: Brilliant scene reading from Tennessee Williams's Cat on a Medium-Temperature Carpeted Floor.
When a young woman attempts to seduce Breen's character by taking her top off in front of a pool, Snob resumes it as "When in doubt, though, rip off an 80s movie."
Snob: [as Breen] I've decided to write a script where everybody wants to fuck me. Nothing wrong with nonfiction!
After the intermission, the Snob has to make an admission about the episode:
Snob: It should be noted that it took me over a week to do this episode. I lost my notes for the second half of the movie and had to rewatch it again. I wanted to wait until a week later so it would feel like I was coming into it fresh. I even recorded the first half of this episode before watching the second half of the movie to see if it would jog my memory. [clearly annoyed] Let's see if that helped.
Dylan: Oh, you can come over and use our swimming pool any time you want!
Snob: Oh, good, now I know exactly what's going on in this movie. [Beat] I'm tired of watching this!
- This is made even funnier by his admission at the end of the episode:
  Snob: I don't like having to watch a movie twice! I did the Hillary's America episode in-between this episode! And you can tell that that was worth it by the fact that that review is gone! Conspiracy? I think it committed suicide!
Snob's retorts when the already-meandering subplot of Breen's character's friends ends with the wife killing her husband:
Snob: [when the wife is trying to convince her daughter that she didn't see anything] This is why I'm glad Columbo's not a YouTube Red series.
Snob: [when the wife claims that her husband committed suicide] This is the easiest level of L.A. Noire I've ever played; clearly she's telling the truth.
Then Snob gets to the scene everyone was waiting for:
Snob: It's performances like this that make me glad for the Oscar changes.^Explanation
Dylan: I can't believe you committed suicide, I cannot believe you committed suicide. How could have you have done this. How could you have committed suicide.
Snob: He's a shoo-in for Most Breen-spirational Performance.
When Breen's character's wife commits suicide.
Dylan: It was you. I know it was you.
Snob: No Ray, it was you.
Snob pointing out how Breen's character never comes close to specify what kind of "secrets" he hacked into.
Dylan: I hacked into the most secret government and corporate secrets, and discovered corporate and government cheating, lying, corruption and hypocrisy.
Snob: Yes, he's hacked into the government's evil plan of eliminating specifics.
Breen's character throwing a book at a laptop is described as Breen "giving us an inside look into the writer's room of Death of a Nation."^Explanation
Snob: I'm certain they wrote that movie on broken laptops, too.
Snob being so confused at the movie that he says that he prefers Breen's two previous movies, Double Down for being "a love letter to tuna fish" and I Am Here.... Now for being "the one that had twins, bro, twins!"

Persecuted

When Snob notes that the name of the protagonist of this film, which is yet another Christian exploitation film, is John Luther:
Snob: Because calling him Matthew Mark Luke John Luther would be too obvious!
And then there's Snob reaction when noting who plays him: Famed character actor James Remar.
Snob: Everything you were ever in is better than this!
Then comes the doozy: A supporting character is played by Brad Stine, none other than the same actor who played "Gay Jesus", the "White Christmas supremacist" and The Scrappy from Christmas with a Capital C. And the kicker? He's actually somewhat good in this movie. Snob chalks it up to him being clean-shaven here as opposed to the hobo beard he had as "Gay Jesus".
Snob: This movie better not have a coffee shop in it or it'll get really scary.
The amount of Actor Allusions to James Remar's other roles is staggering.
Luther: [mentioning his past] ...an abusive, alcoholic...
Snob: [as a picture of Remar in 48 Hrs. is shown] Yeah, but those roles are way more interesting than this one.

Snob: He unapologetically is just going for it in this role, he might as well be playing Raiden again.

Snob: Sadly, this is what became of Richard when Samantha broke up with him.

Snob: Honestly, I really don't think any of that would bring down his career; at this point, I think Ajax could run for President.

Snob: [imitating Luther after he wakes up in a desert] "Oh God, I had so much to drink, I think I ended up in a Christian persecution film; I also think I killed Don Scardino."

Luther: [pleading with a store attendant] Don't you know who I am?
Snob: [as Luther] "I'm Dexter's dad, goddammit!"

Snob: He's got to wash all his sins, and by that I mean the Psycho remake.

Snob: You know who could probably help you out, James Remar? The Dream Team. Too bad you tried killing them.

Snob: And stop giving a good performance, James Remar. This is Persecuted, not Django Unchained.
There's also Actor Allusions to Bruce Davison, who plays the antagonist Senator.
Snob: If there's one evil politician who can smell a rat, it's Bruce Davison; he was Willard!

Snob: No, no, don't trust the Senator! He tried pulling the same shit when he framed the X-Men!
When Fred Dalton Thompson appears:
Snob: Holy shit, it's Kelsey Grammer!
When Luther tries to disguise himself, Snob states that it doesn't seem that the movie is getting the expected reaction, because he looks more sexy than anything. Cue Laura watching the movie on a computer.
Laura: Mmmm, he's sexy... He can hammer me on a wooden cross...
Snob's disappointment continues as he also discovers that Dean Stockwell is in the film.
Snob: You were in Blue Velvet!
Snob discovers that the woman who filmed Luther being incriminated has a distinct speaking cadence:
Woman: So, my brother... you better believe... it's gonna cost ya...
Snob: Tone it down, Lady Christopher Walken!
When Luther finds Fred Dalton Thomson's character murdered and his death staged as a suicide, Snob adds the audio from the "I can't believe you committed suicide, I cannot believe you committed suicide." scene from Fateful Findings.
Snob: Now that's the kind of performance I expect out of this film.
Snob likening Luther to Alex Mercer from [PROTOTYPE].
Snob: Oh, and John Luther is now the star of [PROTOTYPE]. His first mission? Chop Brad Stine in half!
When Snob discusses the movie's reception:
Snob: How do you think this movie fared critically? Boom! [shows Rotten Tomatoes page] 0%! [shows Metacritic page] 11 out of 100! [shows IMDb page] 3.6 out of 10! [shows the title card of the episode] Cinema Snob episode!

Mobsters and Mormons

Snob noting the weird combination of the premise.
Snob: Now this is a crossover I can get behind. For far too long, I've seen Mormon movies where they team up with the likes of the Crips, the Charlestown Mob, and the Hells Angels. It's about time that they took on some Italian gangsters. Actually, this is the first Mormon movie I ever viewed on the show, so this is new territory for me.
Snob notes that the movie's logo features handcuffs, which he thinks appropiate since lead actor Mark DeCarlo appeared in Fifty Shades Darker as "News Anchor".
On the opening:
Snob: You can always tell a Mafia movie by the opening music.
[jazzy brass music plays]
Snob: If this were any more of a mafia movie, they'd be playing "I Wonder Why" by Dion and the Belmonts! ^Explanation
Snob notes that Mark DeCarlo was in "The Face Painter" episode of Seinfeld, before discovering that the actor playing DeCarlo's character's boss was in Friends.
Snob: This is not the Friends-Seinfeld crossover I was expecting.
The many jokes about how Carmine Pasquale's nickname is "The Beans".
Mob Boss: I'm making Mickey the new captain.
Snob: [imitating Mob Boss] "It's because your nickname is "Beans". How am I supposed to take that seriously?"

Snob: [when Carmine complains about his name under Witness Protection being "George Cheeseman"] Your name is "Beans". George Cheeseman is a step up!

Snob: This is very hard for him. Going from a name like "Beans" that makes you crap, to a name like "Cheeseman" which constipates you!
"I can't imagine how they're gonna get caught. They take their hostage into the convenience store with them!"
"This guy's easier to flip than a pancake!"
During a scene where the main character attends a LDS church, Snob makes some confessions:
Snob: This place comes with the book of Mormon and slapstick! [a character accidentally destroys a lectern and hits the bishop with it] More like church of Laughter-Day Saints! [Beat] Look, I just got done driving several hours from a convention that was four days. I'm a little tired!
After a character compares the Mormons to the Amish:
Snob: No, it's not the same difference! That's a completely different going-into-hiding movie!
After a scene highlighting what Mormons don't drink, which includes alcohol, coffee, and soda:
Snob: Their version of Brad Tries... lasted two whole episodes before they ran out of stuff to drink.
After Michael states that he emphasizes with the "Cheesemans" because he was "the only Mormon in a high school filled with born-again Christians":
Snob: Well, then, why did you go to Pure Flix High School?"
Michael: You know, I had an uncle. He had a colonoscopy. Turns out it was a buffalo head nickel that he'd swallowed when he was two years old.
Snob: And that's when we found out that the Will It Fit? guy is Mormon.
After Michael gets shot in the ass with a paintball gun:
Will It Fit? Host: The problem with using a paintball gun on Will It Fit? is that it really stains the back of your teeth.
When the movie's director cameos as an FBI Agent:
Snob: This is his last mission before he himself goes undercover as... [shows a picture of the director bald and with a goatee] um... me?
When Carmine goes camping:
Carmine: I want four walls, a newspaper, and my toilet seat that plays "That's Amore" when I sit on it. That's what I want.
Snob: Do you really have a toilet seat that does that? 'Cause I kinda want one.
When this mobster movie does an Obligatory Joke about The Godfather:
Carmine's son: [holding a paintball gun] Hey, what should we do with this?
Carmine: Leave the gun. Take the granola.
Snob: Just like that scene from The Godfather when Sonny beat up a Mormon and then they paintballed him to death at the toll booth.

Rock Around the Clock

Snob begins the review celebrating that he won the Silver YouTube Play Button.
Snob: It makes perfect sense that in this Musical March in September we spotlight some kickin' 1950s Rock & Roll musicals because look! I just went platinum! Or um... silver, yes, yes, silver. This represents a lot of porno spoof viewings... [looks at the play button in the award, which is mirrored and is reflecting a Moment by Moment poster] And, uh, Moment by Moment as well, apparently. After so many Musical Marches (In September)-s, I suppose I've earned the Stigwood Award. It seems all these hip cat daddy-o's got their own movies, when am I going to get mine?— [the poster for Another Cinema Snob Movie is shown] Oh, right, that's happening too. So there you have it, people: I am just like Bill Haley & His Comets. I mean, in that I have a clock, and there's some rocks outside... [turns the award so that it now reflects on a Windy City poster] ...and if we turn the award this way I've won the Windy City Award! I'm okay with Sol now!
When discussing the film's producer:
Snob: The film was produced by Sam Katzman, who would also produce many of Elvis Presley's movies. He was like the Robert Stigwood of the 1950s, only if that were the case, Smokey Robinson and the Miracles would have been played by Peter Frampton and the Bee Gees.
"Directing duties, however, went to Fred Sears, clearly after John Montgomery Ward passed on the gig." What really sells his description of Sears is the picture he shows of him: Him dressed like a General and with white hair, exactly what one'd expect from the director of a rock and roll film.
Snob: There's a face that says, "I know that these kids are shakin'!"
Snob on the film's poster:
Snob: With a poster like this, butts were guaranteed to be in theaters. [...] This movie has everything: Rock and roll legends, cleavage, seizures...
When it's time to get the party started:
Snob: I wonder what song they'll get to start this film?
["Rock Around the Clock" starts playing]
Snob: Hmm, I'm either watching Blackboard Jungle, American Graffiti, or an early episode of Happy Days.
[the title "Rock Around the Clock" shows up]
Snob: Pfhew! Thank God, it could have been More American Graffiti or Joanie Loves Chachi.
When the movie begins in earnest.
Snob: Let's get to rockin', dognappers!
[cue a big band playing a slow tune]
Snob: When is this Shining prequel gonna get to Grady murdering his kids?
When Steve the band manager is introduced smoking:
Snob: Ah, the real star of the movie: cigarettes.
Snob notes that the actor who plays Steve had a hit song named "Laura" (after the film), which makes Snob turn Bro for a moment.
Snob: Why you singing about my wife, bro?!
Snob's thoughs about one character called "Corny".
Snob: His name is Corny?! Well, that's... cheesy.

Snob: [after Corny tells a bad joke] Oh Corny, your jokes are so... what's the word I'm looking for... shitty.
Snob finds an old man using '50s slang hard to believe.
Old Man: "Dance for squares"? Hm, man, them two cats don't dig the at all. At all!
Snob: You don't know a single word of what you just said!
When Bill Haley and His Comets are introduced performing at a dance:
Snob: I don't know who to blame for this, so I'm going with Marty McFly!
When Steve is asking a dancer who's on the shoulders of her partner about the band.
Snob: What do you call that exercise again?
Dancer: It's rock and roll, brother, and we're rocking tonight!
Snob: [as the dancer] Also, my spine is broken, ha ha ha! I need a doctor, I can't walk!
"Now Lisa and her brother are showcasing the new dance called 'the Adam and Barbara Maitland.'"
When Steve finally meets the band:
Steve: Well, I've been kinda sick. I don't get around much.
Bill Haley: Well, stick around, alligator. Rockin' will cure anything you have.
Snob: Ironically enough, it won't cure the rockin' pneumonia and the boogie-woogie flu.
Snob finds himself increasingly overwhelmed by the '50s slang:
Steve: [to another attendee] Say, friend, you back in this world yet?
Man: Descending, daddy-o, coming in on the cloud.
Snob: [as he, or rather Brad, is corpsing] This is already my favorite Musical March in September yet.

Steve: [later on, after Steve fails to make a booking for the band] Look, I'm perfectly willing to keep trying if you want it that way.
Man #1: Crazy, man!
Man #2: He's stayin'! Gimme some skin!
Man #1: Yeah!
[they do an elaborate handshake]
Snob: [seeming genuinely astounded] Oh my God!
Snob ends up finding a lot of Celebrity Resemblances:
- On Steve:
  Snob: [as Steve] "Look, Corny, we need to sign this band and get the hell out of here before they realize I'm Kevin Spacey."
  
  Snob: ...and Steve can get back to directing his dream gig of playing Bobby Darin.
- On Lisa, who has a short haircut:
  Snob: She talks [Steve] down to taking 25%; Milla Jovovich knows how to negotiate!
  
  Snob: I'm gonna go ahead and say it: Elvis is sexy in this film!
- On Corinne, who has even shorter pixie haircut.
  Snob: [as Corinne] "Let's wrap this up Steve, I need to get back to being Shirley MacLaine."
  
  Snob: This movie may be dated, but god-damn Helen Mirren is hot in it.
- On disc jockey Alan Freed, who appears As Himself:
  Snob: Tonight the role of Alan Freed will be played by Gary Sinise.
Snob is not impressed by Steve's quips.
Steve: Remember what Christopher Columbus once said: The world is no square.
Steve: Thanks, James Bond's lame brother Phil. Stop trying to be cool! [shows Steve greeting a secretary] And quit hitting on your secretary, Cashnickel!
When Tony Martinez, an Hispanic bandleader, shows up:
Snob: I'm confused, no one told there was more than one Ricky Ricardo.
"If this were a rock documentary, it'd be called 'An Easy Day's Evening.'"
When the Platters appear, "On Our Own" by Bobby Brown from Ghostbusters II is overdubbed over their act.
Snob: I've been saying for years that that song is ahead of its time.
Snob does not condone the Comets' stage antics.
Snob: Stop fucking the cello!
[the cello player actually mounts the cello]
Snob: Um, that's the opposite of what I said!
[the trumpet player joins him]
Snob: Ugh, even for my show this is a weird orgy! Stop fucking each other! Even McFly would tell you to tone it the fuck down!
- To punctuate this, Snob shows footage from the attendees at the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance looking confused.

Wild Guitar

When Snob notes that Arch Hall Jr. fronted a band called Arch Hall Jr. and the Archers.
Snob: The McDonald's tie-ins practically write themselves! Especially since the drummer is a big tub of special sauce.
When noting that Arch Hall Jr. only appeared in six films between 1961 and 1965, Snob gives him what's probably his biggest seal of approval: Comparing him with his idol Pierre Kirby.
Snob: Arch Hall Jr. was like the Pierre Kirby of '60s rockers: His appearance was brief, but they could both probably take on ninjas.
After noting that Hall Jr.'s character in the film is called Bud Eagle.
Snob: His birth name was Coors America Freedom!
Snob calls director Ray Dennis Steckler "one of the many forms taken by Nicolas Cage" while showing a picture of him◊ in which he really does resemble Cage.
Snob reveals that Steckler later directed the MST3K-featured and infamously long-titled The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies, but Snob doesn't even bother saying the title, instead calling it "The Incredibly Strange Long-Ass Title!".
When Snob notes that Steckler directed adult films later in his career, such as Debbie Does Las Vegas (a take-off from famous adult film Debbie Does Dallas):
Snob: Is there any city that Debbie didn't fuck?!
The Snob being, well, a Snob, he expresses his satisfaction over the film being in black and white.
Snob: I'm proud to be watching this film in pristine black-and-white, [holding the film's DVD case, which is in color] after this DVD was colorized by Ted Turner when he broke into my house and spilled paint on it! This movie should be in blue and dark blue like God intended!
When the movie begins with Bud Eagle riding in a motorcycle:
Snob: Aw, goddamnit, no one told me that Mutt Williams was gonna be in this.
The Snob is complementary about Arch Hall Jr.'s looks:
Snob: Am I jealous that Arch is pulling that sweater off? Yes. Am I also jealous of that gorgeous hair? Abso-fuckin'-lutely!
Snob on the television variety show Bud appears in:
Snob: I'm not sure the host's heart is really in this program
Host: Out kids don't even rehearse, they just audition and then go on. As a matter of fact, I don't even know his name.
Snob: You're watching "We Don't Give a Shit, So Why Should You?", with your host, Ed Dullivan.
When Bud meets record executive Mike McCauley:
Bud: You don't have to worry about me, Mr. McCauley.
Mike McCauley: Mmm, I'm already having trouble with you... you don't call me Mike.
Snob: Sixties Boogie Nights doesn't have enough 13-inch dick!
This scene:
Young Woman: How about a fad?
Mike McCauley: Hm? What did you say?
Young Woman: What kind of a fad do you want us to start?
Snob: [imitating Mike] Uh, sorry, I thought you said something else.
When the movie taks a surprising turn towards the dark by featuring the seedier side of show business, namely Bud's boss bringing him what's all but stated to be a prostitute:
Snob: While I'm happy to be getting an early look at Tarantino's Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, I'm not sure it's legal for me to be watching this, [Bud is shown] but DiCaprio is great in it.
When a fight scene is scored by a surf rock tune.
Snob: I don't know whether to fight or surf! And why are those my choices?!
When Mike casts Bud and his love interest Vickie in a film:
Snob: [scowling intensely] I don't know what this movie is, but I love it!
After the movie ends, Snob reveals what was next for Arch Hall Jr.
Snob: Arch Hall Jr. will return in his next film as a Serial Killer. No, seriously!
Hall Jr.: I have been hurt by others, and I will hurt them. I will make them suffer like I am suffering.
Snob: [terrified] Jesus!

Go, Johnny, Go!

The Snob discloses that despite the title, the film doesn't start who one may think.
Snob: "Johnny B. Goode" was a major hit for Chuck Berry in 1958, with Chuck even writing the song as well, so of course the film Go, Johnny, Go! is starring this guy. [shows Jimmy Clanton] It's like I'm watching a movie from the universe where "Calvin Klein" created "Johnny B. Goode."
When Snob notes that the name of Clanton's character is Johnny Melody:
Snob: His real name is Jack Can-Carry-a-Tune.
When it's time to get the film started:
Snob: I bet the movie opens by playing "Rock Around the Clock"!
["Johnny B. Goode" starts playing]
Snob: Oh right, wrong movie, mm-hmm... [shouting] Play "Maybellene"!
All the new names Snob gives to the cast:
Snob: Such as: Lt. Dan [as Alan Freed is shown], Andrew McCarthy [as Jimmy Clanton is shown], Betty Rizzo's mom [as Sandy Stewart is shown], James "Thunder" Early [as Chuck Berry is shown], and let's not forget these other acts, like: Ghostbusters II [as Jackie Wilson is shown], The Buddy Holly Story [as Ritchie Valens is shown], Mr. B Natural [as Jo Ann Campbell is shown], a rabbit [as Harvey [Fuqua] is shown], and "I already told you, they invited me, I'm one of their talents!" [as the Cadillacs, who appear as a couple of policemen inquiring a black man, are shown]
When Snob notes that the director of the film also directed a TV show called The Pepsi-Cola Playhouse:
Snob: It was about a group of kids getting jacked up on sugar and jumpling 50 feet from a treehouse.
When the Flamingos appear on stage:
Snob: Hmmm, Morris Day and the Time needs a little more edge. Throw Johnny's girlfriend into a dumpster!
This exchange:
Chuck Berry: You're a real promoter, too.
Alan Freed: You don't pay taxes on benefits.
Johnny Melody: Who minds paying taxes? Not me.
Snob: [as the Bro] America, bro!
When the film shows that Johnny began as a choir boy from an orphanage:
Snob: This kid makes Drexel "The Dream" Hemsley^* look like Tupac!
When the choir director expresses his contempt for rock 'n' roll to Johnny:
Johnny: I'll rock 'n' roll if I have to.
Choir Director: Let's hope it's just a fad that'll be gone and forgotten when you're a man.
Snob: It ain't no fad! These cats are always gonna be this hippity-hopper!
Snob's confusion at the way Johnny is fired from his job as an usher.
Snob: As an usher, Johnny is really into the music, so he's fired... I think.
Usher: This has been a short but happy engagement.
Johnny: Does that mean I'm fired?
Usher: This is your farewell performance.
Snob: Gimme a straight fucking answer!
Snob is not impressed with the way Johnny treats Julie.
Snob: Johnny is on his way to being a star: He's already treating people like shit.
Johnny: Little Julie from the orphanage?
Julie: That's right!
Johnny: But she was short, fat, and homely!
Julie: Oh wait, I remember his last name; his name is "Johnny B. An Asshole."
Julie: Don't you want my phone number, Johnny? I'd love to have you call me.
Johnny: [annoyed and condescendly] Sure, I'd like to.
[a taxi arrives]
Julie: It's forty-seven—
Johnny: Forget it.
Snob: If this movie was just Chuck Berry shitting into a hooker's mouth, it would still have a more likable lead character than Johnny Melody!

[later, when they find Alan Freed at a club]
Julie: Come on, let's go over and talk to him about your records!
Johnny: And get the brush-off again?
Julie: Oh, come on!
[Julie goes over in front of him]
Johnny: Wait a minute, the man is supposed to lead.
Snob: Johnny is doing his part in making rock great again.

[later, when they're looking for Johnny]
Man: Young lady, you take my advice and latch on to thay boyfriend, like they say in the song, he's gonna be rich like Rockefeller!
Snob: But sir, he's a real dick!
When at one point Pat Boone is mentioned as a teen idol:
Snob: [as a scene from Pat Boone in God's Not Dead 2 are shown] The kids love that Pat Boone; God's Not Dead 2 made all of his fans shake their hips so hard that it broke them, and then reset them again.
Snob: The important thing is, they treat Chuck with respect.
Chuck: You guys want to go to my TV show's aftershow?
Man: Yeah, one consideration that we don't have to listen.
Snob: [imitating the man] Now carry my hat and start singing about Memphis.
"If I want to see a movie with a Sandy Stewart song on the soundtrack, I'd watch the Cold War film White Nights, thank you very much!"
When Johnny meets Julie's parents, who turn out to be rich:
Johnny: I don't like handouts.
Julie's Father: Well, who does?
Snob: Sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of your rich as fuck girlfriend!
Snob discovers something disturbing about a club Johnny and Chuck attend.
Snob: But hey, he can fit in the Krazy Koffee Kup... er... wait, KKK?! What the fuck, '50s?! Chuck, get the fuck out of there!
Julie's Mother: It's different, but I guess it's still music.
Snob: Hmm, she said the same thing about Björk.
When Johnny and Julie have to say goodbye at the end of a date:
Julie: I'm sure they'll allow me an extra five minutes to say good night.
Johnny: It doesn't leave me much time to find out what you want for Christmas.
Snob: I'll spoil it for you: His present is his dick.
This Black Comedy bit at the end of the film:
Julie: He's gonna be quite a husband. [raises her left hand to show off her wedding ring]
Snob: Truly the most important part of this story: He's gonna demand only the best martinis from her, or else... [raises his left hand, but as if to hit someone]

Shake, Rattle & Rock!

The title card art for the epiosde, mimicking the film's poster: Snob leapfrogging over 80's Dan.
Given the Running Gag though this Musical March in September of Snob making exasperated rumblings whenever the requisite Moral Guardians appeared during these '50s rock 'n' roll movies, Snob comes across this movie, in which people's opposition to rock 'n' roll is actually the whole plot of the film. Cue Snob opening this review by doing about 30 seconds of exasperated rumblings intercut with scenes of people dancing to rock 'n' roll.
Snob: Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.
Snob notes that even the poster's tagline is "Rock 'n' roll vs. the 'Squares'", but he doesn't seem very impressed with the people featured in the poster.◊
Snob: If you aren't Jimmy Olsen playing leapfrog over Lois Lane, then you are really lame as fuck.
"Shake, Rattle & Rock! is a movie that pits the kids against the old square community by putting the kids in the backgrouynd as extras and letting Mannix and Winnie the Pooh speak for them." What really makes this funny is that this is not just Snob joking; the movie stars Mike Connors and Sterling Holloway, who actually are the the star of Mannix and the original voice actor for Winnie-the-Pooh, respectively.
When Snob notes that the director also directed a film titled Invasion of the Saucer Men:
Snob: Pffft! That could be any 50s sci-fi film!
Snob on the logo◊ of the film's studio.
Snob: And with it being released by American International Pictures, it's gonna be as American as the Capitol building in Heaven!
Snob thinks that Mike Connors being credited as "Touch Connors" in this film and the scene that serves as background for the opening credits being quite dark are related.
Snob: Mike Connors decided to use the pseudonym "Touch Connors", that way no one would be surprised when he played grab-ass during the world's darkest hootenanny! I see they're dancing on the ice skating rink from Wild Guitar! [imitating Connors's character, when he first appears on-screen] "Good news, ladies and gentlemen: We fixed the lights, so I have to stop touching people."
Snob makes a Running Gag of associating the elders who want to ban rock 'n' roll with bigoted causes.
Snob: [regarding Garry] ...who the old people hate more thank their coloured neighbors!

Leader of the Elders: Now all those in favor of an organized resistance such as a vigilance committee, signify.
Snob: Stop trying to bring back The Klan, '50s!

Mr. Fitzdingle: Down with the—! [stops and turns to his wife] What is it this time, Georgiana?
Snob: [imitating Mrs. Fitzdingle] We're protesting gay wedding cakes, try to keep up!
When Garry receives hate mail:
Snob: Unfortunately, even the '50s weren't immune to trolling. Things really haven't changed!
Garry's boss: Garry, I've never seen anything like it! Six hundred letters wishing you death by slow torture!
Snob: [imitating Garry's boss] I told you not to review a Dinesh D'Souza movie on air!
Snob on Axe's hyperactive behavior:
Axe: First bit! I think these kids can really scoop some loot! Second bit! I figure I can round up a group to really vouch for the kids! Third—
Snob: It was a mistake to give Winnie-the-Pooh uppers; those should have gone to Eeyore.
When Mrs. Fitzdingle recoils at the sight of a mob of teenagers dancing.
Snob: This is when Margaret Dumont demanded that all of the Marx Brothers be Zeppo! ^Explanation
When Mrs. Fitzdingle calls a band "vulgar":
Snob: Oh, come on, what's so vulgar about this band?
[cue "Go *TWANG* yourself, my friend!" from Blast-Off Girls]
Snob: Well, at least they're trying to censor themselves.
Snob does not condone Axe's antics.
Axe: From now on, you can call me "General Axe McAllister"!
Snob: NO!
Snob: This group is finding new ways to get outraged before they slit their wrists upon seeing Janet Jackson's nipple.
Leader of the Elders: Well, if necessary, we'll get a court order, restraining them from performing this "rolling stone" in public.
Snob: You're just jealous that you and your wife don't have the sexual chemistry of Jagger and Richards.
When, during the mock trial, the elders bring a classical dancer as a witness.
Leader of the Elders: What is your name?
Witness: Aloysius Pennygrouch.
Snob: Ah, so White Bread Milk Vanilla Esq. von Wasp Nest, got it.
Snob gets worried when he realizes something:
Snob: I think the movie knows I'm making fun of it.
Judge: Suspend! [turns to the camera] Disregard that remark!
Snob: Um, am I the jury?! Then I find this movie guilty of being as unhip as the chaperones dancing at the prom!
Like he did at the beginning of this Musical March in September, Snob brings up those infomercials that feature people lip-synching to songs, this time featuring a doctor, his nurse and his patient lip-synching to "Monster Mash".
Snob: [imitating the patient] Just tell me whether or not I have fucking cancer!
The Snob's goodbye to Musical March in September:
Snob: With Musical March in September once again behind us, we've got a full month of scary movies coming in October, where the only lame-os in those films are the ones who get stabbed to death and die.

Rob Zombie's Halloween

Somewhat uncharacteristically (especially after having mocked this particular film in previous reviews), Snob refuses to join the backlash against the idea of a remake of Halloween, citing Rob Zombie's pedigree with the acclaimed The Devil's Rejects as well as his ambition when helming the project. Cue the shoutfest between Michael Myers' mom and step-dad.
Snob: ...Oh. I think I get it now.
"NOT EVERY FUCKING MOVIE YOU DO NEEDS TO BE ABOUT REDNECKS!"
Snob claims that instead of a photo of himself and Laurie as kids, Michael's prized possession is actually a Ziggy strip that he's held onto for years. When Michael attempts to show it, Snob claims Laurie is reacting negatively because she's more of a fan of The Far Side.
At the halfway point of the movie, aka where the remake truly becomes a remake:
Snob: I'd also like to point out that this movie is over two hours long. [Beat] FUC—
Snob eventually comes to the realization that since this is a remake, that means Ben Tramer is still alive. He is not happy when Zombie's version of Tramer is implied to be a perverted dickhead.
Snob: First Halloween II kills Ben Tramer, and then this one slanders him! I don't know what's worse.
"No, don't go in there, that's where the third act is!"

Wacko

When Snob notes that the film's killer is called "The Lawnmower Killer":
Snob: Even before virtual reality he was crazy!
Snob notes that not only the film's original tagline references other better parody films ("The comedy that takes off where Airplane! landed!" [sic]), but that even the tagline for its re-release does it. ("This MOVIE is really SCARY", with "MOVIE" being put over "SCARY" so that it also reads "MOVIE SCARY")
Snob: [It] will make you even miss the Scary Movies! Okay, maybe not all of the Scary Movies; I mean, this movie is bad, but I don't know if it's Scary Movie V bad.
Snob notes that among the director's other works are the MST3K subjects Angels Revenge and Final Justice.
Snob: [in a completely deadpan expression] ...but I'll bet you this film is way different than those.
[the opening credits roll, and Joe Don Baker's name appears] ^Explanation
Snob: [extending his left hand in a reassuring manner] Safe. Hands. [slaps his left hand]
- In fact, when Joe Don Baker's character is introduced as a slovenly private detective, Snob states that he's playing Mitchell again. And when he later tries to call him by his character's actual name, Dick Harbinger, he gives up halfway through and says "Ah, fuck that, he's Mitchell."
Snob exclaiming "I don't see this getting weird." when George Kennedy's character Dr. Graves is shown peeping at a girl, only for his character to be revealed as the girl's father.
When Dr. Graves's son, the Igor-looking Damian, is shown:
Snob: What a great parody of Michael from Burial Ground.
When Dick Harbinger collects his clues:
Harbinger: October the 31st, 31 backwards is 13, is Friday, is Halloween, 13th anniversary of the Lawmower killings.... There's a crazy loose! It's prom night!
Snob: Well, there's a lot of movies I should be watching instead!
The jokes about the Alfred Hitchcock High School, where, aside from a joke about a game between Hitchcocks vs. De Palmas that Snob admits is Actually Pretty Funny, they don't do anything remotely Hitchcockian.
[the students are shown singing a capella in the halls]
Snob: Hitchcock and De Palma made some great high school musicals!

[a female student has a nightmare about being tied to the football field while the marching band plays]
Snob: Alfred Hitchcock Presents was a really great gang-rape slasher film series.
When Andrew "Dice" Clay appears:
Snob: Holy shit, it's Sam Kinison!
After a gag about pea soup that causes people to rotate their heads 360 degrees.
Snob: Yep, just like in Repossessed.
When Dr. Graves is shown at his work as a surgeon:
Snob: As spoof films go, George Kennedy is a way better cop than a doctor!

Rob Zombie's Halloween II

When the movie suggests that Michael's killing spree is because Loomis is profiting off the previous murders, Brad cracks mid-punchline.
Snob: John Carpenter's Halloween barely touched on the fact that Michael's ruthlessness was driven by his hatred of Capitalism—
[snickers]
Brad: Fuck it, I might just leave that flub in there.
The references to Malcolm's previous roles and the over dubbing of a line from Caligula over Dr. Loomis' speech.
Snob: Alright, never mind. He's Alex De Large! Any other quotes from Malcolm Mc Dowell movies?!
!Dr. Loomis: I have existed from the morning of the world and I shall exist until the last star falls from the night!
Snob: Well...both movies have people who want to fuck a white horse...
Snob after Dr Loomis gets assaulted by a Haddonfield resident:This has nothing to do with Michael Myers actually, this is for killing captain Kirk!

The Day After Halloween

Snob goes out of his way to point out that the title has nothing to do with anything happening in the movie.
- Right at the beginning of the video:
  Snob: I know I probably should have reviewed this movie on the actual day after Halloween, but that's okay, because this movie has absolutely nothing to do with the movie or the holiday Halloween; it is not referenced, it is not mentioned, it doesn't even take place in a single day! Hell, it's not even a horror film! But you wouldn't know that from the poster, which reads "The real horror began... The Day After Halloween." No, it didn't; Laurie Strode probably slept for hours that day!
- When recapping the film's plot:
  Snob: ...it stars Sigrid Thornton as a hairdresser turned model who begins working for a skeevy agency and is stalked by her ice cream truck-driving boyfriend. Just like in Halloween.
- After noting that the "The Day After Halloween" title is from its U.S. release in October 1980:
  Snob: Clearly to ride off of the success of The Shining.
- Snob notes that it's one of those films with many titles, including Snapshot, One More Minute, and even The Night After Halloween.
  Snob: It can't even decide on which time it isn't even taking place!
When the movie begins showing the lead character Angela running in still frames, Snob says that it's shot in "Santa's Christmas Elf (Named Calvin)-Vision".
After showing Angela's photographer boss manipulating an old camera:
Snob: God, old iPhones were inconvenient.
When he notes that Angela has her own theme song, Snob swaps it with "Angela's Theme" from Sleepaway Camp.
When Angela runs away from her stalker while a funky soundtrack plays:
Snob: She's getting the funk out of there!

42nd Street Forever Vol. 4: Cooled by Refrigeration

The Town That Dreaded Sundown

The Snob's Does This Remind You of Anything? moment when discussing how the movie was elected via Patreon poll from the trailers shown in the previous episode, and that it edged out The Klansman, a movie about Klansmen:
Snob: So let this be a lesson to you on the importance of voting: It keeps The Klan from winning.^Context
The Snob insisting on calling every single character in the film "Earl", regardless of their real names.

The Puppet Inside Me

Since Snob wants to review something quick and easy so that he can go film the sequel to The Cinema Snob Movie, he decides to do (another) puppet porno because he guesses that "there's a least a few people who remember The Happytime Murders."
Snob: I don't really know what to say about the fact that an easy day's work for me is watching a fucking puppet porno!
When Snob sees that the movie advertises himself as a "cockumentary", he states that "this is the second movie this year I've seen do that," before showing a poster of Dinesh D'Souza's Death of a Nation.
Snob notes that this movie, called The Puppet Inside Me, has releases that still add (A Puppet Porn) to its title.
Snob: Thanks, I thought it was about shoving light bulbs up my ass.
When Snob notes that three people directed the movie.
Snob: Well, I guess these three people had to step in once Bryan Singer was fired.
Snob find himself unconfortable when he finds that the mockumentary scenes with one man in particular resemble a church confessional.
Feltcock Studios Man: You see, my mother was a puppet. My father worked as a handyman. One time he had to come over to... fix her box.
Snob: Don't let the black suit fool you, I am not your fucking priest!
When a Perky Goth woman^noteCharlotte Sartre states that she likes having sex with puppets:
Snob: Woo hoo, Abby from NCIS is into some freaky shit!
"The puppet is scared about the upcoming three-way after seeing a puppet explode. And I'm scared about the three-way too, because I'm gonna have to watch it!"
When he discovers that the three-way between the man, the woman and the puppet is part of a porn parody of Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Snob decides to take some liberties with a quote from that film.
Snob: Life moves pretty fast. But you probably shouldn't stop and look around once in a while, because you might witness a fucking puppet porno. Just drive your life off a cliff!

Spongeknob Squarenuts

Snob notes that the movie comes with a warning in the form of the porn's version of the show's intro:
Porn!Announcer Captain: Are you legal-aged adults ready to watch some porn?
Snob: If you're watching this movie, then you're using the term "adult" VERY fucking loosely.
Snob shows a picture of the actor playing Spongeknob, saying that he looks more like "if Patrick turned into a real boy."
When Spongeknob does a You Talkin' to Me? reference to Taxi Driver, Snob assumes that the movie was the porn movie Travis Bickle took his date to.
When the movie gets depressed:
Spongeknob: What if I'm alone forever?
Snob: That question is asked a lot by people who jerked off to this.
When Spongeknob states that he wants a child, Snob is adamantly against it.
Porn!Sandy Cheeks: You want me to do what, Spongeknob?
Spongeknob: Give me a sponge-baby, Sandy!
Snob: Do not fucking spawn!

[later, when Spongeknob and Sandy end up... well, having sex in a way that assures that they're not going to have babies]
Spongeknob: Maybe we'll just have to adopt, then. Ahahahahahaha~!
Snob: Do not give that thing a baby!
"At least now I know how the Tugrats were born. Use protection, people!"
Snob finds that one of his Running Gags gets subverted in this particular context.
Snob: And then they bang. I regret to inform you that my use of that line in this context means they actually do bang.
Snob notes that the actor playing Porn!Patrick is Tommy Pistol, one of the actors from The Puppet Inside Me, so Snob plays a clip of him crying from The Puppet Inside Me claiming it to be him before shooting this movie.
Snob: He he he, I think I could get some mileage out of that clip.

Santa Visits the Magic Land of Mother Goose

Snob has to note that this Christmas film is directed by Herschell Gordon Lewis, the early Splatter Horror director.
Snob: Explains the scene where Mother Goose pulls out Santa's tongue and eats it!
The Running Gag about how the Santa in this film is unintentionally terrifying rather than jolly. For example, when Santa is introduced reading a book and laughing, Snob quips that he's looking at pictures of his victims.
When the movie introduces Old King Cole:
Old King Cole: [dancing] ♪ Old King Cole was a merry old soul / And a merry old soul was he ♪ He he he!
Snob: Tone it down, dancing Caligula!
- Old King Cole also seems to bring Snob some bad memories about Fun in Balloon Land when he makes a baloon squeak to make it "talk" to him.
  Snob: I've said it before and I'll say it again: Stop fucking the balloons!
When a living doll is brought to life:
Snob: I don't like these Annabelle movies anymore!
Snob discovers that the film mentions Casper the Friendly Ghost, but that his name is muted (by an effect that Snob dubs "the Budweiser Frogs") for legal reasons.
Snob: Guys, I've seen Turkish Casper; no one is coming after you for this movie.
- Snob then discovers that Casper makes a Lawyer-Friendly Cameo anyway... as a handkerchief in a magic box.
  Snob: Casper is so much better than this! And yes, I remember Casper and the Angels.

A Christmas Kiss II

Again Snob has to notice how dumb and full of sexual harrassment the central plot is.
Sebastian, Jenna's (supposed) Platonic Life Partner, is so Camp Straight that Snob predicts that there's a reason why he and his girlfriend broke up and he's aggressively committed to pretending to be Jenna's boyfriend.
The only returning character from the previous film is the woman who got dumped by the Love Interest, resulting in Snob interpreting that underneath her newfound humility is a raging storm of depression and rage over the fact that her lover had been stolen from her.

A Little Piece of Heaven

Right out at the beginning of the video, Snob explains the craziness of the plot of the movie:
Snob: Let's just get it all out in the open up front: A Little Piece of Heaven is a movie in which Kirk Cameron kidnaps children by convincing them that they're dead so that they will play with his mentally challenged sister on a farm. [does a Thousand-Yard Stare before nodding as if saying "Yeah, that happened."]
After a particularly cringeworthy scene, the Snob just stares before stating, "From the director of Deep Impact!"
The Running Gag of the central plot being full of unfortunate implications.
Snob: A Little Piece of Heaven: A movie where Kirk Cameron kidnaps a black kid and makes him work on a farm!
The whole storyline about the black kid gives a few:
- Snob muses that, going by the way the kid is acting, he wouldn't be surprised if he went on to grow up to be Diondre, the Sassy Black Man from Saving Christmas.
- Snob calling Cameron "the biggest voice of the black community since Black Angus."
Once the second kid Cameron's character kidnaps asks what her princess name would be, Snob replies "Princess Consuela Banana Hammock."
Snob discloses that the aforementioned second kid is played by a young Lacey Chabert (who also starred in the previously Snob-reviewed Christian film Christian Mingle: The Movie), to which Snob says it's no wonder why she starred in that movie.
Snob is in no mood for the movie's attempts at Heartwarming Moments;
Princess: My daddy hit me.
Violet: I could...I could hug you!
Snob: NO.

A Christmas Puppy

Snob makes it clear from the get-go that despite the title, the movie isn't about a puppy, and that he's not amused by it.
Snob: So far, on this show we've sat throw the magic of A Talking Cat!?! and A Halloween Puppy, so naturally, from director David DeCoteau, we also have A Christmas Puppy... Kinda. Sorta. Not really. I know of one movie that's gonna get a lump of petrified shit this holiday season, [pulls DVD case out of jacket, showing a puppy] due largely in part to this box cover and title BEING A FUCKING LIE!
The Running Gag about how the family the protagonist Riley helps seems to be in a very confortable situation and have only very mundane problems.
Snob: Yay, the front gate of their mansion finally works again. A Chrstimas miracle.

Snob: [in a completely disinterested tone] Ehhh, this place is such a hellhole, it's the Hotel Rwanda of Beverly Hills.
After showing the logo of the film's distributor Phase 4 Films, which looks remarkably similar to that of the Fantastic Four:
Snob: I expect better from Fant-Four-Stic Films! Mmm... or not.
The movie's sugary tone really doesn't mash well together with the Snob's grumpiness.
Snob: I'm too grumpy for this shit! [showing his onesie's tag, which reads "From Santa"] Despite the tag on my Christmas onesie saying that I'm from Santa... yeah, sure, I'm from the Island of Misfit Critics!
After noting that Riley's mother is played by Maureen McCormick, who was also in the Snob-reviewed Baby Huey's Great Easter Adventure, Snob claims that she "is just getting over the horror of being part of another holiday movie spawn from Hell."
The jabs at the nonsensical dialogue.
Riley: It's true, Mom. I've been alone for more holidays than I've been alive.
Snob: He was also alone for holidays that happened before he was born. Makes sense.
Snob notes that Riley and his mother have some unintentional... chemistry, and not of the maternal kind.
Snob: And with, uh... sexual tension?
Riley: On the day, we'll go grab waffles like every other Saturday...
[they laugh]
Riley's Mom: ...How did you get to be so grown-up?
Riley: Science?
Snob: Are they having an affair? Something is up with mom. [...] And stop flirting!
Riley: Yeah, well, I like to have hot cocoa afterwards at the coffee shop way better in Boise...
Riley's Mom: [softly] ...Marshmallows...
Riley: Marshmallows...
Snob: Seriouslly, are they gonna fuck?!
When Hope first appears, played by Vanessa Angel, Brad has to make a sidenote to clarify that he came up with the Weird Science joke he made before realizing that Hope was played by the actual star of the show.
Snob: Oh, sorry Lisa, you want the Weird Science sitcom, that's blocks away. Sidenote: I actually wrote that joke before I realized that that actually is Creator/Vaness Angel from the Weird Science series.
Snob calling Hope "The Ghost of Christmas Skinemax."
Snob recognizing the house the movie takes place:
Snob: Wait, they do need some holiday spirit: This is the house they shot A Talking Cat!?! in; it's a house of horrors!
In regards of a certain picture◊ shown:
Snob: Nice family picture featuring Alexandra Paul after snorting pure Christmas snow.
The Snob's Actor Allusions:
- About Grandma Betty, played by Janet Carroll:
  Snob: [imitating Grandma Betty] "Sucks about your writer's block honey, I gotta go 'cause I think my son Joel is having hookers at the house again."
- About the mother, Winnie, played by Alexandra Paul:
  Snob: Things just haven't been the same since her first husband Joe Friday was killed by chili dog poisoning.
  
  Snob: [regarding the half a car randomly lying on their living room] Ever since Christine, Alexandra Paul likes keeping random car parts in her house; that way it warns other cars not to fuck with her again!
The Snob's jokes about the daughter, Allison, who is a total edgelord.
Tom, Allison's dad: Now hey, come on, this isn't easy on me either; there's a company shutting down, and I have to go through their books.
Allison: [clutching a teddy bear] I've heard the song, please skip ahead.
Snob: [imitating Allison] "I spent all night coming up with that; now buy me another bear!"

Allison: [about Riley] Yes, really. He's quite the pea, isn't he? We all know how I like my peas: Mushed.
Snob: And she spent the previous night coming up with that one; she hasn't slept in weeks!
- The nicknames Snob gives her, including "Sexy Buzz Killington", "Josephine Gordon-Levitt", and "Lizzie Boredom."
The characters constantly talking about serving frozen food makes Snob want to hold out for cheese puffs.
When Allison comes up with a plan to make the Christmas stew spicy because her father reacts adversely to spicy food, Snob comes up with one hell of a Call-Back:
Winnie: Oh, be careful, okay, because you know how your dad reacts to spicy food. [to Riley] He sneezes and hiccups and let me tell you it ain't pretty.
Snob: [as a picture of Brad covering his face and holding a jug of milk from the "One Chip Challenge" Brad Tries... episode is shown] Yeah, survivors of the "One Chip Challenge" could tell you that if all you do is hiccup and sneeze, you've gotten off easy.
Regarding the dispassionate acting of the actor playing the father, Tom:
Snob: I've never seen someone whose acting could be described as "going half Sorbo."
At the end of the video, Snob notes that it wasn't that bad, at least compared to the previous episode's movie, which really affected him.
Snob: ...but on the bright side, at least this movie wasn't about Kirk Cameron drugging and kidnapping children and convincing them that they're dead!

To All a Goodnight

Snob has compliments for the film's spooky keyboard soundtrack.
Snob: [to Lloyd] Lloyd, I must say you have a lovely singing voice.
Snob finds a familiar face as the Final Girl.
Snob: Wait a minute, our hero Nancy is Jennifer Runyon! I have total confidence that she could take on this killer, [shows Runyon in Ghostbusters] it's been established that she is psychic, [shows Runyon in Carnosaur] and that she can fight a Carnosaur.
Snob has to specify twice that despite what it may look like, he's not giving joke names to the characters.
Snob: [in regards of the school's groundskeeper] You may think that I'm calling him "Crazy Ralph" sarcastically as a reference to Friday the 13th, but I'm not! His name is actually Ralph!

Officer: [while holding Nancy's face] I know... I know... I did some checking.
Snob: You're being weird, Officer Polanski! Again, that's not me being sarcastic; his name actually is Officer Polanski!^note
Snob's jokes about how a pilot in the movie is played by Harry Reems, one of the stars of famous porn movie Deep Throat.
Snob: There is gonna be some deep-throating going on in this scene! Harry, where the hell are ya?!
[a man is shot in the neck with an arrow mid-coitus]
Snob: Not that kind of deep-throating!
[later]
Snob: Thank God Harry Reems is still here, his penis is their best weapon!
The Snob straight-up revealing that the housemother Mrs. Jensen is the killer.
Girl: Mrs. Jensen, did you sleep well?
Mrs. Jensen: [Beat] Yes, thank you.
Snob: [completely deadpan] She was up late killing your friends.
Snob hypes up what's going to be his first review of the next year, before anticlimactically revealing it to be Inchon.

Funny / The Cinema Snob 2018 Episodes

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