Funny / The Cinema Snob 2007 to 2009 Episodes

All | 2007-09 | 2010 | 2011 | 2012 | 2013 | 2014 | 2015 | 2016 | 2017 | 2018 | 2019 | 2020 | 2021 | 2022

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Burial Ground: Nights of Terror

• The Snob comments on the appearance of the zombies
  Snob: I gotta say, it's a good idea that these things turn out to be zombies. Because at first glance, they look like something a drunk college student would wear to scare the skirts off of some midnight Volleyball players on the beaches of the Bahamas!
• The Snob informs us that one of the films many alternate titles is "The Zombie Dead".
  Snob: That's sort of like naming your movie "The Fanged Vampire" or "The Furry Wolfman!"

Porno Holocaust

• Snob: Shit is shit, no matter what country the ass is from.
• Brad breaks down pretty much the entire first third of the movie in a couple seconds:
  Snob: Four minutes in: talking (footage of people talking)
  Snob: Ten minutes in: fucking (clip of an awkward sex scene)
  Snob: Thirteen minutes in: talking (clip of people talking)
  Snob: Fifteen minutes in: fucking (clip of another sex scene)
  Snob: Twenty minutes in: talking (yet another clip of people talking)
  Snob: Twenty-two minutes in: fucking (slide that says "I can't even show you this one")
  Snob: Twenty-nine minutes: talking (still another clip of dialogue) and that just barely counts because seconds later they ease right into the fucking!
  Snob: It takes them a whole forty fucking minutes to get onto this goddamn island and the tedium doesn't even stop there! That's right, more talking and fucking!
• During a sequence in which the protagonists are being chased by the radio-active zombie (which didn't make its first appearance until two-thirds of the way into the film):
  Snob: Oh, and it's also an educational film as well. For instance, did you know that when you are being chased by a radio-active zombie that that is a really good time to start fucking! (clip shows the protagonists doing just that)
• The Snob's apt summarization of the ending:
  Snob: How does it end you ask? Well *smirks* how do you think it ends? (movie clip of MORE dialogue) With talking and fucking!

Wanda, The Sadistic Hypnotist

Crazy Fat Ethel II

Snob: I can tell you right now that I would rather get fucked by Mr. Greenfield than have to watch this piece of shit again!

Sadomania

• The Snob becomes so distracted by the stunning beauty of the female prison warden, puts the review on hold to find out more about the actress.
  Snob:: A sadistic woman warden played by the stunning, transsexual, adult film star Ajita Wilson.
  [Double Take]
  Snob: What. Transsexual Adult Film Star?
  [Dramatic close up]
  Snob: Oh. My. God.
  [Cut to Shower of Angst]
  Snob: (On the phone with his girlfriend) Honey. Honey. Honey. We need to have sex. Right. Now. I am really, really, really confused...

Los Ritos Sexuales Del Diablo

• The Snob's bewilderment that a bootlegged DVD of an obscure exploitation film has extra features on it including an Easter Egg
  Snob: That is...fucking ingenious!
• On the fact that this movie is the second one in a row to feature bestiality
  Snob: What is it with these movies and animal fucking!?
  Snob: All I am saying is that if you're making an exploitation film and you come across a herd of cattle, keep it in your pants, goddamn it!

Zero In and Scream

• The movie is borderline unfindable on IMDB, so Brad figures the site doesn't want people to find out it exists.

Brutes & Savages

• The alligator death scene needs to be seen to be believed.

Impulse

• Commenting on how the great titles "I Like to Kill" and "Want a Ride, Little Girl?" were discarded for the blander Impulse.

Video Violence

• The start of his review.
  Snob: This movie... fucking SUCKS!!! *Throws the box to the floor, where a shattering noise is heard*
• A little bit later
  Snob: *putting the DVD Box under a power drill* Why...won't...you...DIE!?

Holocaust 2

• Trying to guess what Holocaust is referring to.
• The director did an Exorcist 3... when the second movie hadn't even come out yet!

Alucarda

• Regarding all the Screaming Woman scenes: "This makes 1941 and Excalibur look like silent movies!"

Don't Go Near The Park

• After Don't Go Near the Park!'s opening disclaimer that although it's a work of fiction, it's "based on true events":
  Snob: So in other words...it's fiction?
• The fact that one of the actors is credited as Crackers Phinn:
  Snob: That's right. Crackers Phinn. I am not lying to you. (*shows the back of the DVD cover as proof*) See, there it is! Crackers Phinn!
• This gem at the end of the video:
  Snob: Stupid is the only way to describe this movie. That, or fucking stupid!

Savage Vengeance

• The Rickroll gag during the opening credits of the film he's reviewing, which was done by a hacker, according to Brad.

Unhinged

Satans' Children

• Complaining how many of these bad movies have good credit sequences, forcing Brad to praise something.

Horrifying Experiments of the S.S.' Last Days

• The DVD box cover that he drew himself.

Zombie 4: After Death

Exit the Dragon, Enter the Tiger

Bloodfreak

Evil Come, Evil Go

Terror at Orgy Castle

The Hand of Pleasure

Zombie Lake

Ninja Untouchables

Snuff

Zombie 5: Killing Birds

• "Let's end this like every YouTube video should end - with a man on fire."

Blood of Ghastly Horror

Woodchipper Massacre

• Snob's predictions for the leading three actors' lives after making the movie: stripper (the hammy girl), alcoholic (the teenage boy), and dead (the bespectacled boy).
• Snob advocating firing a friend from set if they turn out to be a Large Ham during filming when they weren't during the audition, and if the first choice for the role was "a fucking dog turd", said "fucking dog turd" is a slight improvement to your movie.

Monkey with 72 Magic

The Eerie Midnight Horror Show

• The original VHS Copycat Cover that rips off The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Brad's disgust at seeing the DVD cover is nowhere as funny. To push the joke later, he remakes the opening credits like the Rocky Horror ones.

The Black Six

Mother's Day

Elsa Fraulein SS

Frankenstein Island

• "Jerry Warren could negotiate a budget on two cans in a string, shoot the movie on a treehouse, and finance it by loaning from the termites!"
• The only machine gun they could use was one that can't be taken from the tripod!

Savage Weekend

• The Snob refers to the characters as a "group of sex-crazed weirdos" at the beginning of the review. He's not wrong, though.
• He decides to give the movie another chance after having seen it a while back. When the movie opens with banjo music playing over the title card, he immediately regrets his decision.
  Snob: This movie sucks.
• The characters are so fucked up to the Snob, he claims he wouldn't be surprised if Marie's son, Jeremy showed up and bit her tit off.
• Later he calls the main characters lameos after the only character he likes is killed.
  • Adding onto that, the Snob forgot that one of them had been hanged by the killer.
• The Snob gets frustrated at how poorly made the film is; with some shots being in fullscreen and some being widescreen, along with the boom mic being visible.

Day of the Panther

Horror of the Zombies

Black Devil Doll from Hell

• He says that the film is so unsexy that thinking of Porno Holocaust is giving him an erection. Then, without changing his facial expression, he reaches over and grabs a jug of water, which he then pours on his crotch.
• Claiming that the main character is not satisfied with other men pleasuring her because their dicks "aren't made from tree branches"
• The Rule of Three Running Gag of Snob pointing out the movie was released in 1984, then shortening it to "this movie was released."
  Snob: Who knew that year would be worse than anything Orwell ever fucking predicted?

The Italian Stallion

The Refrigerator

• After the fridge claims his first victim after a squicky love scene:
  Snob: Can you blame the fridge? I'd go nuts too if I had to witness that grotesque display of leap-frog.
  • Before the attack, Snob mumbling "My, my, my, my, Mitchell" as the horny couple race into the kitchen.
• The protagonist's wife walking around the city in a montage reminds Snob of "something out of TV Land heaven" so he plays the theme tune to The Mary Tyler Moore Show over it.
• Snob's annoyance of the husband being mind-controlled by the fridge.
  Snob: If you let the fridge come between you and your wife, you're a fucking idiot! Or a glutton.
• (a man gets his foot eaten by a garbage can possessed by the fridge) "Why'd he stick is leg in there, in the first place?!"

Slugs

Salo, or The 120 Days of Sodom

• At one point, Snob is too dry to vomit anymore, despite his urge to, so he pours uncooked egg down his throat. It works.

Tales from the Quadead Zone

The Galaxy Invader

• Discovering the movie is the one on the credits to Pod People.

The Stewardesses 3-D

• "Ooh, heavy making out! From what I hear, that causes pregnant herpes."

Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws

• "Now we're only 14 movies short until Back to the Future Part II is correct!"

Friday the 13th, Part V: A New Beginning

Strike of the Panther

• Complaining on how the movie fails at doing the Training Montage right, meaning Snob has to do one himself, scored with "No Easy Way Out" from Rocky IV.

Zombie Vs Ninja

Full Metal Ninja

• Apparently Pierre Kirby fought pirates in Hong Kong. "Holy fucking shit! Pierre Kirby should star in that movie!"
• He tries to make it sound as if it's Full Metal Jacket with ninjas.
• "Oh my ass it's 200 years ago, is that the same time in history when ninjas wore bright fucking pink and bandanas with the word ninja written across them?"
• "Personally I would steal his ninja costume, because I'd wear those sons of a bitch as pajamas for the rest of my life!"

Thunder of the Gigantic Serpent

Ninja of the Magnificence

• Noting how the villain looks like Betty from Kung Pow! Enter the Fist.
• The Stinger, where a Rain of Arrows takes down a lot of ninjas.

American Commando 2: Hunting Express

Nail Gun Massacre

Bruno Mattei's Terminator II

Helga, She Wolf of Spilberg

War of the Wizards

Shriek of the Mutilated

• The whole discussion on "Yeti" being a hilarious word and how using that as a monster will lead to involuntary comedy.

Zombie 6: Monster Hunter

• "What the hell? When did this movie's dick get so small it looks like it just came out of the swimming pool?"

Inglorious Bastards 2: Hell's Heroes

Death Nurse

Deep Throat Part II

• "This is a movie that sucks because it doesn't suck!"

Turkish Star Wars

• Regarding the constant flash cuts:
  See this? Tegretol. I'm epileptic, I have been since fourth grade. Turkish Star Wars is the first movie I've done on this show that is literally TRYING TO KILL ME.
  • Also, playing the theme to Cannibal Holocaust over one of the action scenes.

Brazilian Star Wars

• The fake credits in the style of the Star Wars scrolling credits, especially the ending:
  You know, I don't know how Lucas comes up with what to write in these text crawls. Did you read that shit I just wrote? "Gamma rays of fecal doom?" That doesn't even make sense, I bought the fucking movie online. And it sucks! Watch, I'll explain why...
• Snob disco dancing
• "Congratulations! You have mastered the power of VCR!"

Demented Death Farm Massacre

• Snob looking up the film's original title on IMDB: Honey Britches. Cue laughter.
  Snob: That's the dumbest fucking title I've ever heard in my life! That's like if you found out that the original title for Fatal Attraction was My Wittle Shmoopy Woopy Woopy!

Alienator

The Hoboken Chicken Emergency

• "The Hoboken Chicken Emergency? It's like they made each individual word in the title Texas Chainsaw Massacre kid-friendly!"
• "I'm sorry, is Hoboken an island? Or 100 miles away from any nearby town? I'm sure the next town over won't chase you out with pitchforks if you attempt to buy a turkey from their IGA."

Troll

• His reaction to the father being named "Harry Potter," from disbelief to disappointment that this was likely where J. K. Rowling got the idea. "Oh, great. Harry Potter and the Troll Toll of the Boy's Soul."
  • What the hell?! Fucking Professor McGonagal is their fucking landlord?!
• You know, I think this troll might be playing a duel role. "Hi, I'm Malcolm Mallory, I just moved in!" Call it a hunch!

Troll 2

• His response to the name of the town being "Nilbog":
  Snob: Holy shit, it's Dracula spelt backwards!
• "You know who else threw parties? GACY!"
• Pointing out the grandfather ghost's resemblance to Orson Welles, and saying if there's gonna be ghost Orson Welles, he'll stick with The Critic, thank you very much.
• Then there's the opening. The Snob just stares onward and says, "I have been to the Xibalba and back."

Don't Open Till Christmas

Bloody New Year