Funny / JonTron Season Three

"THIS WAS A MISTAKE!"

Funny moments from Season 3 of JonTron. For the main index, see here.

Season 1 | Season 2 | Season 3 | Season 4 | Season 5

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Regular Episodes

Barbie Games

• The title card, more specifically, how it ends.
  Doll Jon: I maxed out my credit card!
• Jon "playing" with the dolls.
  Jon (as Barbie): Hey Ken, ya know, I was thinking about taking a year off, goin' back to college, starting my career...
  Jon (as Ken): Nonsense Barbie! You're staying home and having my kids!
  Jacques: Jon, what are you playing?
  Jon: (brightly) Systemic oppression!
  (several shots of Jon with a grim expression and Jacques accompanied by eerie music)
• Jon commenting how Barbie is probably anorexic.
  Jon: With those proportions, I think you're gonna need these Barbie... (turn to reveal a doll-sized wheelchair which Barbie is placed in) ...what beautiful rims you have to offset the sadness.
  • Made even funnier since there actually was a Wheelchair Barbie (under the name Share A Smile Becky), made in 1997.
    • Made into a slightly creepier way when a Barbie sleepover handbook has a tip listed as 'do not eat.'
• Jon's utter confusion at what he's supposed to do in the first game he plays (the Commodore 64 one).
  • After Ken calls a second time, Jon seems upset about the invitation:
    Jon: (dressed in a blonde wig and red lipstick) Ken, w-we already had a date dude, you can't just flake on me like this...
  • His theory about Ken being dead and Barbie refusing to accept it in the same game is funny for all the wrong reasons.
    Jon: What is this, some kinda Twilight Zone episode where Barbie just keeps getting ready for various dates with Ken, when in reality Ken died in a horrific yachting accident that Barbie refuses to accept?
    Bitcrushed-to-hell-Barbie: Hello?
    Jon as Ken: (sounding normally) Hi, Barbie. It's Ken! I miss you. It's so quiet after you die. There's nothing. But the voices, they never stop. (Beat) See you in an hour!
• Jon freaking out at the way Barbie appears in the title screen of the NES game.
  Jon: Let's see if technology has improved the Barbie experience. (title screen) Oh GOD! WHAT'VE YA DONE TO YOURSELF BARBIE?! Why is your hair the same color as your skin — OH GOD, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE MADE OUT OF FRIED CHICKEN!!
  • Followed by him reading out text that appears on clouds — including the copyright notice.
    Jon: That one looks like Mickey! And that one looks like a cease and desist!
• His thoughts on the ending where you date Ken. He thinks Ken is Donald Trump.
  Jon: At the end of the game, you find some magical shoes, turn into a princess and marry Donald Trump. What else is new, this is 1991, who didn't want to marry Donald Trump, I fucking did, here's my picture of me wanting to marry Donald Trump!
  • Hilarious in Hindsight because the video was made mere months before Trump started his run for presidency.
• "GET READY TO PLAY BARBIE BITCHEESS!!!"
  • "Barbie, what happened to your face? You look like fucking Voldemort!"
• Jon's reaction to the revelation that both the NES and Game Boy games were made in a town in New Jersey.
  Jon: (while facing New Jersey from a bridge) No! Bad New Jersey! Bad state! Go to your room!
• Jon belching fire every time Florida comes up in discussion.
• The reaction Jon has to Barbie being based off a sex toy.
• SPOOOOOOORTS! [stock image of sports supplies jiggles on-screen]
• His riffing on the NES game's ghost clothes.
  Jon: [as clothes] We'd look great on you, Barbie. Buy us. I want to feel your skin inside me.
• Jon commenting on the Barbie NES game's cerebral plot.
  Jon: Essentially, this is a game about Barbie dreaming about all the things she has to do tomorrow, instead of being a game about Barbie doing all the things she has to do tomorrow. I think they were trying to go for a David Lynch, Darren Aronofsky thing, you know, it-it's heavy stuff.
• "Whoa, she's Supermom; supporting the capitalist economy by buying hardy helpings of Crocs for everyone! What an American hero!"
• When Jon sees Barbie resting at a beach supposedly dreaming about rollerblading down a road at the same beach.
  Jon: ...the fuck am I looking at right now? Am I looking at you dreaming about being at the beach while you're at the FUCKIN' BEACH?!
  • Then Jon questioning/mocking her seemingly perfect rich life right after.
    Jon: D... D-Do you know what a homeless person is? Have you ever stepped foot outside of a mansion before? Has anyone ever frowned at you? Oh, I get it; dis must ALL be a dream, cuz I've been in LA for more than 10 minutes and I haven't seen ONE hypodermic needle or used condom!
• When playing Barbie Vacation Adventures, he notes that among the five states that the game presents in a selection menu, the game decided to choose Wyoming (represented by a camera) and Iowa (represented by a clown).
  Jon: W-Wyoming? Well, that's literally America's least populated state. 50% of the population is just hostile winds!
  • When Jon decides to give Wyoming a shot, it cuts to footage taken from a car that records a truck up ahead tipping very precariously, being blown by the extreme winds.
    Jon: Wow. That was just as bad as I thought it would be.
  • "Wyoming, more like 'I'm Going Home-ing!' (laughs and snorts) ...Am I fired?"
  • Jon's visit to Iowa is equal parts hilarity and Nightmare Fuel.^note Clowns.
  • When Jon tries the Florida level, he notices that it is exactly the same as the underwater levels from Donkey Kong Country. After becoming bored with the level, he decides to give up and watch Barbie's air run out. As the footage fast-forwards, we see Jon occupying himself with other things (such as playing with the Barbie and Ken doll from the beginning), before figuring out that the air tank in the corner has not gone down at all. Cue silent fury.
    "The fish aren't obstacles, nothing in the environment is an obstacle, even the lack of oxygen isn't an obstacle... the only thing keeping me from completing this game is not giving a shit."
• Jon's intro to Barbie Magic Genie Adventure on the Game Boy Color.
  Jon: This game starts off with Barbie and her magical genie friends having a magical picnic. But a dark wizard is lurking in the shadows [beat] …looking at 'dey ass, and being a general creep. In reality, though, what this guy is doing is eyeing up their genie lamps, which is oddly not a sexual euphemism. And he's also got a big black unicorn, which actually is a sexual euphemism.
  • "You're already riding a goddamn flying unicorn! How much power do ya need, dude?"
• The same game has him wondering why it doesn't revolve around Barbie dating Ken. He then assumes that the dark wizard is a Ken stand-in named Kenkhmed.
• Jon trying to uncover the mystery behind Barbie's ability to do everything, including a Siri-style app called iJacques and a trip to the library.
  Jon: (with a huge stack of books) They're givin' out free stuff in 'dere!
  • Then we see Jon reading...
    Jon: Wow... (throws book behind him) ...people actually used to use these things before the Internet!
• In one game, Jon finds that once Barbie returns home, Ken greets her by saying that he has strewn her "welcome home" presents all around the apartment.
  Jon (as Ken): Yeah, welcome home! Good luck finding your insulin! Fuck you, might not even be in this apartment!
  Jon (as Barbie): (assortment of muttered angrish while being seen sorting through shelves)
• When Jon gets a Game Over in the NES game, he is prompted with two thought bubbles that say "Should I go back to sleep... or should I wake up?"
  "WAKE UP, BARBIE! YOU'VE BEEN IN A COMA FOR SEVENTEEN YEARS!"
  "Also you look like a gray alien. Ahh, don't."
• Barbie's Horse Adventures nightmare-inducing intro music leaves him completely baffled. Due to this, he doesn't even give the game a chance.
  Jon: (stuttering) I did-I did not...I did not add this music...I would have never thought to add this music...this is the real music...I'm...never going to sleep again now.
• His reaction to there being a long, wide pan across the room in the PS1 game, only to show the player a water fountain.
  "Byoutiful."
• His rant about how Barbie can have so many different professions, seemingly all at once...and to really set the tone, the background music is the "Sanctuary" theme from Chrono Trigger.

Titanic: The Legend Goes On

• The title card: A sad Jon is at a port, staring glumly at the DVD case of the animated film he was about to view and comment on. Then the Titanic, which was docked nearby, sprouts wings and flies away. All the while legitimately sad music plays.
• A heartbroken Jon waits at a port, anticipating the arrival of his to-be wife who was on board the Titanic. Though he knows that the Titanic has sunk and took her with it, he continues to wait for the ship to arrive, refusing to foresake his fiance even after all these years. But he knows that she will never return to him and despairs. In his sadness, finds a nearby DVD case of a film called Titanic: The Legend Goes On, a "full-length animated feature based on the legend of the Titanic" — wait, WHAT?
  Jon: Wait, it's just a legend? It's just a silly old legend? I thought it was a real thing, like a real boat with people on it that sank and they died. I s'pose that means my girlfriend's not real then. I guess there were some signs along the way. [flashback starts] When we were at that restaurant, the waiter, he said, "Why did you order two meals and not eat one of them? You just left it there to get cold." and I said, "Curb your tongue! That's my lady, and soon she will be departing on the great steam liner known as the Titanic that is definitely a real ship in the real world." and he said, "...Wait, what?" [flashback ends] She was real to me...
• His roll call when the movie starts off with a Flash Forward to the sinking.
  Jon: What sorrow I feel for these characters, so close to my own heart. Red-haired lady. Brown-haired guy. Old Woman 1 and 2, Currently Drowning Human, and of course, 101 Dalmat-
  101 what?
  Beat
  101 what now?
  • "PONGO, IS THAT YOU?!"
• When Jon sees the female protagonist holding a locket with her mother in it (which looks exactly like her), Jon assumes that it's just a picture of herself. Cut to him looking at a locket with a picture of himself on it.
  Jon: I'll never forget you...me.
• Near the beginning of the episode, a guy comes up giving Angelica the necklace she dropped and then gives some... odd facial expressions.
  Old Man: Here you are. Let's hope it's a smooth crossing. (Gives a sinister smile and wiggles his eyebrows)
  Jon: Excuse me, uh, the fuck did you just say!? Do you know something we don't? You got something to say? Why so devious? Wait a second... I recognize that voice. You're not really an old man! (He goes up and pulls the guy's head off) I knew it! He was the iceberg all along!
• When one of the sisters pokes through a suggestive tear in a dress, squishy noises are added.
• Jon's reaction to the rapping dog.
  • "What the fucking fuuuuuuuck!"
  • For your viewing pleasure.
  • The entire scene from the video. The way it just zooms in on an absolutely disturbed Jon when the dog starts rapping at the beginning is just glorious.
• All the various jabs at the director, Camillo Teti, for being insane enough to come up with a film like this.
• When the female lead makes a...REALLY weird face, Jon proceeds to do THIS:
  Jon, in a 'pose': PAINT ME! LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH BOYS! PAINT ME!
• This gem:
  Jon: (as "Nearer My God To Thee" plays) What horror I witnessed that day. Surely I will never forget it for as long as I live.
  (cue footage of the ship flooding as "Party Time" blares in the background)
• Jon criticizes the movie for having a "Where Are They Now?" Epilogue.
  Jon: I'll tell you where they are now, AT THE BOTTOM OF THE FUCKING OCEAN, ARE YOU CRAZY?!?
• The ending:
  Jon: (In 1910-era garb drifting afloat on a door with the disc in hand) I'll never let go... of what you've done to me, that is, which is quite a lot. You are a terrible, terrible thing—to the depths with you.
  (Jon tosses the movie into the water and rests peacefully)
  (Suddenly a diver wearing modern sophisticated diving equipment swims up and hands Jon the movie case again)
  Diver: Hey, you dropped this.
  Jon: (forcefully pushing the diver back down) OH MY GOD, BACK— BACK TO THE OCEANS!
• "POPE'S GAY."
  • "EEGLEEPOSSIBLEQUE"
  • "PIK UP THOZE BITS OF BROHKN CHYNATONCE"
• When he comes across the Mexican mice, Jon goes up to three mice with sombreros on and says he didn't mean to make them uncomfortable before going off to "celebrate the death of [his] own innocence" by tooting a horn while wearing a Mariachi outfit.
  Jon: *toot* Hoy, Papa! *toot* I can still hear the screams, Papa! *toot*
• "Bat? Dog? Which dog? Who's this dog? DOGS? ON THE TITANIC?"
  Jon: She's sinking! The plot is sinking! Quick, hire the emergency writers! (tosses a bunch of script pages out the window, which inexplicably leads to a glacier inhabited by penguins)
• The Running Gag of Jon implying the male lead to be some sort of creepy serial killer, complete with scary red lighting and "Psycho" Strings.
• After the female singer's mouth stops moving and her face sweeps across the screen, Jon adds laser beams coming from her eyes.
• ACTUAL. FUCKING. SCENE.
  • PHYSICS!
• "You tellin' me Patrick Bateman Prince Charming has a pea brain?"
• When Jon brings up that Italy made two films about the Titanic with talking mice, he wonders if Italy just missed the news about the Titanic that day and were more focused on the world's biggest meatball that day. Cue a newspaper featuring the world's biggest meatball and the Titanic being mentioned in a poorly written footnote. Also something about moose counting and Grammy winning the world wrestling championship by Roy Mcroyston.

Food Games

Part 1

• Jon calls to complain about his Thanksgiving turkey, and it turns out he's been given a (miniature) horse. A live horse. Jon actually got a live horse in one of his videos.
  Jaques: I don't know how I feel about this beast.
  Jon: Quiet, you! You're just jealous that there's a new cute critter in the house, and I ain't talkin' about myself! Uh, definitely not objectively, I was rated #1 Ugliest Man in the Privacy of his own House by "What is the Point of This? Magazine." What a blessed Thanksgiving- OH MY GOD THERE'S A HORSE IN MY HOUSE!
  • From the "What is the Point of This? Magazine" issue Jon is holding:
    • "Are cheesburgers making you fat?"
    • "How to feel good."
    • "#1 Ugliest Man in the Privacy of His Own House."
    • "Page 45: How to invent your own invention."
    • "From the publishers of something."
  • "I don't know what you expect me to do, deal with this myself? I can't deal with something myself, come on! This is America!"
  • Jon taking the company's instructions regarding the brick that was included with the horse the wrong way. Instead of hitting the horse with the brick and cooking it, he eats the brick. He even shares it with the horse.
• Jon interprets the Crunchlings from Cap'n Crunch's Crunchling Adventure as slaves, who are fed Cap'n Crunch cereal to be made strong, but not strong enough to break out of their slavery.
• "EHHH CAPTAIN BE CAREFUL, YOU'RE GONNA HIT SOMEONE!" (footage of Cap'n Crunch crashing his ship in a parking lot while sounds of crashes and people screaming plays)
• "IT'S SEAN Lé F**K."
  • Jon pulls a lever and is showered with Cap'n Crunch as sexy music plays.
  • "As well as plenty of Captain Crunch Cereal!" with several copyright symbols replacing letters and piling up into a bunch.
• Jon remarks on how surprising it is that McDonald's has been able to get away with having a clown as their mascot for so long.
  Jon: Because Ronald McDonald does not make me want to buy a hamburger. He makes me want to call the police.
• The soundtrack to Mick and Mack Global Gladiators.
  Game: ARE YOU READY?
  Jon: I'm not sure actually.
  Game: A-A-AWESOME!
  Jon: I feel like you're putting words on my mouth.
  Game: YEAH!
  Jon: Oh, so you admit it!
• Jon, unimpressed by "Treasure Island Adventure" for the Genesis, mocks its shallow use of advertising.
  Jon: [as Ronald] Yes. Eat Macdonald. Am Real Humon. Am Not Faceless Robot Corporation. Am Have Real Feelings Tooooo.
• As the video goes on Jon slowly starts craving McDonald's more and more, and the end of the video has him demanding a Gollum-like servant named Grimbo to bring him more food.
  • Before it reaches that point, there's this moment:
    Jon: You know, I could've bought ten of these [burgers], Ronald, but I only went with four 'cause I'm not supporting your reckless habits!
    *Camera pans out to show burgers all over the table*
    Jon: ...okay turns out, I bought fifteen. But the point is: You're a real monster, I don't agree with your ethics.
  • And before that, when playing M.C. Kids, Jon points out how using games for marketing fell out of style because nobody would possibly fall for it:
    Jon: I mean, it's not as if this game would make me want to order a delicious McDonald's hamburger which has the perfect blend of crispy lettuce, meaty tomatoes, a patty sizzled to perfection and all topped off with one perfectly crunch pickle.
    *Beat, followed by unwrapping and eating noises*
    Jon: ...that's ridiculous.
    *Cut back to Jon, who is eating a hamburger*
    Jon: *mouth full* I'm two steps ahead of you, McDonald's, alright? Your mind games aren't gonna work on me! *to somebody offscreen* Hey, can you pass the ketchup? I mean, you can't have a burger without ketchup!
• When Jon insists that the Jesus Medina that programmed the Whopper Chase game is the biblical Jesus.
• Jon enthuses that the real selling point for Chex Quest is the 50 free hours of America Online. Observe.
• As well, one of top comments is YandereDev, yes, that YandereDev, commenting "I'll be your Grimbo, Jon." If you look on some of Jon's other videos, you can see YandereDev is a VERY big JonTron fan.

Part 2

• The whole sequence parodying recaps, with Jon as a typical Soap Opera doctor and Jacques riding a motorcycle while firing a machine gun for some reason.
  Jon: Wait! Wait! Hold on, hold on! I don't remember any of that happening!
• Jon's commentary of how The Noid's version of NYC is apparently After the End due to how rampant grass and trees are.
  Jon: Well, at least Trump Tower is still standing. (Infamous "small loan of a million dollars" clip of Trump plays) Oh God. This is the Alternate Universe where Trump wins, isn't it?
  • Made even funnier when you realize that Trump actually did win the presidential election.
• Jon, upon finding out that there's a pizza eating contest in "Yo! Noid!", excitedly starts eating pizza with two hands. Smash cut to Jon laying on his couch, weakly moaning about eating too much pizza... after having taken literally two bites.
  • The weird and confusing Pizza Eating Contest with the Area Champion's strange interactions.
    Area Champion/Pink Guy: "Hee Hee! I creamed."
    Jon: "Yeah, okay. Just as long as it's not on my delivery, guy."
    Area Champion/Pink Guy: "Isn't that overdoing it?"
    Jon: "Hey you're the one that's the supposed champion of this shit. You're the one making me do it. Oh I get it now, I need to eat a pizza cause I'm having a fucking panic attack over here, I gotta stress-eat!" *While the camera focuses on a clown weilding a striped cane rides on a unicycle.*
• Jon's commentary on the California Raisins, particularly how they depicted Michael Jackson:
  Jon: THEY MADE MICHAEL JACKSON A DRIED FRUIT! THE KING OF POP, THEY'VE MADE HIM A SUN-BLEACHED GRAPE!
• YEAH! COKE WINS! FUCK YOU, PEPSI, I'LL FUCK YOUR MOTHER IN YOUR OWN BED!
• Upon being disappointed with the one-sided bias in the Coke game, Jon decides to have a look at how a tasteful company like Pepsi approaches a video game.
  (a cutscene of a guy laughing and stuffing his face with potato chips plays)
  Jon: Oh, now we're getting into some deep shit. I don't know if I'm ready for that... Also, what? What? What?! WHAAAT?!
• Towards the end of the video, Jon descends into an Ice-Cream Koan on Pepsi.
• The Kool-Aid scene, with the Kool-Aid Man played by Ethan of H 3 H 3 Productions.
  Jon: THAT WAS FUCKED UP! OKAY, KOOL-AID FOR *cough* ATARI!
  * game shows Kool-Aid Man crashing into wall before the gameplay starts*
  Jon: IM'MA REMEMBER THIS MOMENT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!
• The Reveal that Grimbo died from a Pepsi overdose leaving Jon entering rapidly into the Despair Event Horizon.
  • Perhaps even more odd is that Grimbo appears to be inexplicably glowing blue.
• The ending, where a deliveryman brings over a replacement Macaulay Culkin bust and finds Jon waking up from a food coma. After hearing how Jon got "a little carried away" after playing some food games, he reaches an interesting conclusion.
  Deliveryman: Oh my God, I see now; I finally get it. It's all clear. The true meaning of Thanksgiving isn't food, or thanks, or family, or being a good, balanced person with personal responsibility. It's that video games cause everything that's wrong in the world, like obesity, real-life violence, and misogyny.
  Jon: It makes perfect sense, I see now! I think it is hilarious!
  Jaques: God bless the U.S. media.

A Talking Cat!?!

• The entire intro:
  • It starts out with Jon feeding his Garfield telephone lasagna. Then he gets a phone call and answers it, and the Garfield phone starts screaming in pain and wobbling its eyes.
    Jon: (Panicking) Oh God! I forgot that's part of your body! (Quickly hangs up the phone.)
  • This next gem:
    Jon: And let me tell ya, that's not the only talking cat I got in this house. And no, by the way, I am not referring to Talking Tom.
    (Cut to a picture of Talking Tom and Angela, all with screaming in the background. Zooms into Tom's face, then zooms into Tom and Angela's hands.)
• Jon's MGM Logo.
• Lampshading the actor's noticeable breaths with a cartoon gust of wind each time.
• When the movie begins and cat begins to talk, Jon can't decide if the cat is saying this or if its just the director commenting about the scenery unknowingly into a microphone. It then shows Jon playing the director with a cowboy hat, jean jacket and fake mustache lip syncing to the audio. When the sound operator leans over to get him to stop it leads to this exchange:
  Sound Operator: Excuse me sir, you're polluting the audio.
  Director: You'll speak when spoken to, maggot! (Grabs a glass bottle and breaks it over the sound operator's head.)
• ACCIDENTAL SOUND SYNC
• Jon's gradual shock at Phil selling his company's assets:
  Phil: We sold the websites...
  Jon: The websites?
  Phil: Interface...
  Jon: The interface too?
  Phil: The code that I worked half my life on...
  Jon: Oh God, I can understand the interface, but you sold the code?! Think of who you're affecting!
• When the son starts coming down the stairs to talk to his dad about seeing the cat for the first time, there is a jarring echo noise as the result of poor sound mixing.
  Jon: (Echoing) Wait, what was that? Huh?
• After the dad makes a car noise when he runs to sit in his car-shaped chair...
  Phil: Vroom, vroom! Beep beep! Beep beep!
  Chris: Why do you always do that, dad?
  Jon: Yeah, Dad. Every day with this shit. I'm sittin' here, readin' my book, you waltz in the door make a car noise at me, I'm supposed to like it? (Begins putting on a large bib) Well, fuck you, Dad, honestly, if it was a choo-choo train noise, maybe I would laugh, but a car noise? What do I look like to you, some sorta big baby? (Puts a pacifier in his mouth and starts shaking a rattle, only to stop after a couple seconds and look at the camera) ...did I go too far for this one?
• "I held my son's lifeless body in my arms, and I asked God whyyy..."
• Jon points out that spiraling staircases are the worst methods for dramatic exits.
  Jon: (Angrily) UGH!! I hate you, dad! (Normally) Uh, just ignore this part. Still mad at you. (Back to angry) Okay, off I go!!
• "Wenk."
• After Chris assures his girlfriend that he is good with English class:
  Jon: Yeah, what me look like, some sort ape man? Ha, that funny! If me ape, why me kill for banana? (Holds up bloody banana and crushes it in his hand while howling.)
• LIVE FOOTAGE FROM INSIDE PANTIES
  • "IT'S LIKE NIAGARA FALLS OUT THERE"
• Punching sound effects when Phil pats Duffy on the back.
• Bickering ensues among Tina and Trent (the brother and sister in the film), and Jon heartily comments "What a big happy family we got here." Then this happens:
  Susan: Just help me find my shoes, okay? Or I won't feed you this week.
  Jon: (With additional reverb) What a big happy family we got here.
  • "Ditto." Cue a Ditto flying from his mouth and diagonally off the screen.
• When the cat finally talks for real:
  Duffy: Read your beeping machine.
  Jon: (Astounded) Oh... my God... I don't know if I can let that slide.
  • And then:
    Tina: ...You're a cat.
    Duffy: Read your machine.
    SPECIAL EFFECTS LEVEL 999
    Tina: And you're talking?!?
    SCRIPT LEVEL 0
    Tina: How?!?
  • And then:
    Jon: And can you believe they accomplished it, all on such a s- a low budget? (Claps) Inspiring. (Keeps clapping) What hard, American, work! will get you in this!- FUCK!
    (Cut to Jon yelling at his Billy Joel poster.)
    Jon: Excuse me, what do you think you're doing on my wall, huh? (Takes it down, slams it on the couch) You think you're something special, Mr. Joel?! Okay, now, this- (picks up the "A Talking Cat!?!" poster, kisses it twice) -you're gonna learn from THIS! (Hangs it up) Now that's taste!
• This bit:
  Phil: Duffy, what am I gonna do?
  Duffy: Try taking a long walk into the woods.
  Jon (As Duffy): You will find a woman named Cheryl buried underneath the twelfth oak tree. God told me to do it, He told me she was a WHORE!
• Jon's double airhorns.
  Phil: Look at me, I look like something that the cat dragged in.
  Jon: He's in boys! He did it! He said it! (Blows two airhorns.)
  • After Phil makes Susan mad.
    Tina: I'm sure it's not that big of a deal, mom.
    Susan: It is!
    (Dramatic sound effect and red filter ensues)
    Jon: (Speaking backwards) He's out, boys! He's out, bail! (Blows two airhorns backwards.)
    • Somebody reversed that clip so that Jon is talking forwards.
      Jon: Oyep, BAZZI! Zyop, BAZZI!
• The two sons swimming together

  Jon: (in sexy voice while sexy music plays) Ooooooh yeeeeah......Oooooh noooooo...

• Tina and Trent (Susan's kids) have an argument, saying the exact same words at some points, all set to "Frolic".
• After wandering around for the entire movie, Duffy finally makes a contribution to the plot...by immediately getting run over by a car. Jon's reaction is absolutely priceless.
  Jon: (long moment of horrified silence) ...Well that cat ain't talking no more, I'll tell ya that much.
• His utter bewilderment at the way the filmmakers signify that the cat has been injured after being hit by a car, bandages shoddily wrapped around the indifferent-acting cat's head with the cat's voice actor, Eric Roberts, making emotionless "oooie ooow" noises.
  Jon: Is this a movie or a money laundering scheme!?
  • Even funnier is that before hearing those noises, Jon was legitimately concerned about Duffy's wellbeing.
• Just the fact that, throughout the whole movie, the movie says it stars a talking cat... but his only assistance in moving the plot along involving getting the two old people together is to get brutally run over. Or, at least the implication that it's been run over, anyways.
• This exchange:
  Duffy: What's so crazy about it?
  Chris: ...You're a cat!!
  Duffy: You're a human!
  Jon: AND I'MMMM about to blow my FUCKING brains out!
• His reaction to the mind-bogglingly poorly written subplot about the daughter wanting to go to business school.
  Jon: No no, that's good, I just wanna make sure that's what we're going for there.
  Smash Cut to Jon screaming, ripping games off his shelf, and throwing them to the floor.
  Jon: (Curled up in the corner, covering his bare toes with his hands) Don't look at them! They're hideous! I belong in the bell tower! You call me the freak but YOU'RE all the freaks with your FIVE TOED FEET! (hisses).

The Skateboard Kid

• The description of the video: "The 90s were super weird."
• At the title card:
  Jon: "The Skateboard Kid!" Here we go!
  (Footage of guy getting hurt in a skateboard video)
  • Even funnier when the impact was accompanied by a squeak.
• Jon's reaction to (the late) Dom DeLuise voicing "Rip". "Guess they were just trying to drive the point home."
• Jon mishears one song at the movie's opening as "SCOTT BORDER" and he thinks it's actually a tribute song to someone named Scott Border.
  Jon: Mr. Border is gonna really appreciate this, I just feel it.
• Jon mocking the skating bullies.
  Jon: I'm a pretty cool duuude! And that's just facts.
  Jon: (Inhales from what looks to be a compressed air spray can, then pauses as he gives a cross-eyed look of regret)
  Jon: ...hoh.
• At 2:45 in the video, when the cop bites into his piece of chicken, you can subtly hear the Heavy eating his Sandwich.
• "HOW YOU LIVIN' CHICKEN BOY?"
  Jon: (dressed as a chicken) Well first of all, that insult could've used some work. Second of all, the pain and humiliation I feel daily are immense. For someone like you to cut someone like me deeper...Well, you must have problems yourself buddy, so I feel bad for you, (whips out a nunchuck and begins swinging it around awkwardly) and how fucking dare you say that to me! I'M GONNA MAKE YOU FOR-REGRET THOSE GODDAMN WORDS!!
  • This scene is especially funny since Jon noticeably almost says "forget" instead of "regret".
  • Later, while Jon is trying to look 'cool' while cooking eggs, he's wearing the chicken suit again for some inexplicable reason.
    • The egg scene itself — Jon is trying to toss an egg onto the frying pan, but it keeps landing on the counter. Jon is then left staring ahead with sad music playing.
• This conversation after the skater wearing a chicken mask is seemingly hit by a car.
  Gang member: Why'd he cross the road like that?
  Leader: To get to the other side, you barney.
  Jon: *holds up picture of Barney the Dinosaur* Yeah, check out this stupid picture of your face! Also, our friend is actually dead.
• Moments later, Jon's reaction to the prank, with hilariously awkward delivery:
  Jon: Oh, you were never dead at aaalll, that was just a trick. A dirty trick by some dirty boys...
• At one point, Jon is confused by the lead skater giving directions in a suspicious manner, only for a nearby sign to show that he gave correct information causing Jon all the more confusion about the same question.^note Jon failed to notice that the skaters were actually stalling for time while their friend cut the cables keeping Zack and his father's luggage on their car. Cut to a woman asking Jon for directons, in the same vain he gives the correct answer but does so in a sucpicious and overly sarcastic tone before running off, giggling like a schoolgirl. The woman is left there confused but then notices the cameraman, asking, "Are you with him?". All the better is that the question doesn't feel like it was part of the script.
• The enthusiastic elderly woman at the car dealership.
  Jon: WHOA, hey buddy, listen, Grandma don't need no help. She's about to get out there, start tearing up some asphalt! Just clear the way.
• The failed weather report.
  Jon: Wow, well you're just a real waste of fucking human life, aren't you.
• RUMMAGE TIME
  Jon: You know what? I don't need to know about "rummage time".
• When one of the skateboarding bullies is referred to as Snake, Jon edits in the alerted sound effect from Metal Gear Solid.
  Jon: Oh, Snake did NOT expect that! Oh, you startled him. He's like "oh, my God I'm sorry..."
  • OH CHRIST!!
• When a guy holds up his hands in apology, Jon adds bolts of lightning shooting out of them.
  Avada Kedavra!
• "So, since Zach's skateboard has been broken by way of being delicately punched in actual half..." (accompanied by the clip of Zach's skateboard being punched in half with a squeaking noise played over the impact)
  • "I'M MAD" (punches skateboard in half)
• "This...!" "...is crack."
  • This one also counts as Call-Forward due to Jon featuring this very shot just four episodes later.
• The dust being blown off of the old skateboard goes into Jon's face.
• WARNING: COUGAR ALERT
  Jon (panicking): CUT IT! Cut it quick — cut the film! Getting too weird to watch! Also it's extra strange because she just said things his mom said!
• Jon's surprise at Zach's sudden technical skill, and his interpretation of what he's thinking.
  I'll show you! I'll make the best skateboard of all time, and then I'll kill all of you and hide the bodies-I mean, wait, not that last part...
• When "Rip" the talking skateboard voiced by Dom DeLuise first talks:
  Jon: (while sad music plays) What does a man do...when halfway through a movie...a skateboard begins to speak?...What does a man do then?
• BHUGAH BHUGAH BHUGAH LADIES' COMIN' WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH
• Fuckery will get you everywhere.
  HRR
• Jon reacting to the artificial drama due to lack of plot.
  Maggie: Well, they ran the tests, and...it looks like Jenny is gonna need the surgery sometime next year...
  Jon: I swear to god, movies always do this if the screenwriter doesn't know how to manufacture meaningful drama. It always comes back to: Mom's dead, my dad died, she needs surgery, my papa is a clooown.
• Jon's increasingly uncomfortable reactions to the clown act at dinner.
  *tickling* Oh, God, what is going on in here? Oh, stop.
  *chasing around table* C'mon, quit that. Quit it.
  *"silly" faces and noises* I SAID STOP! You're freakin' me out now!
• More brilliant plot, involving the rich guy "getting his great-granddaddy's treasure back".
  Jon: You'll get your great-grandfather's treasure back? So this was about treasure the WHOLE TIME? You waited 47 minutes for this shit?!?! Why'd you have to marry her for it, then? It's in your family. What's she got to do with it? Does she even know about it?'' What's the talking skateboard for? Who-who's the talking skateboard is?
• Witty dialogue:
  Rip: I got scared! It's a scarecrow. Figures.
  Jon: (holding tankard) 'S good. That's good shit right there. *drinks* I'mma need every last drop of this.
• THUG LIFE
  Jenny: Awfully wedded, you mean.
  • "I do... NOT" *rap battle audience freaks out*
• "Oh, the skateboard broke and died, that's unfortunate. Oh, his hat really says mom upside down, that's unfortunate. Oh, I watched this whole fucking thing, that's unfortunate."
• Pink Guy on drums. And wearing a curly blond wig.
  Jon: What do you have to say about that, Pink Guy? Come on, lay it on me!
  Pink Guy: UUGH!! FUCKING KILL ME!!
  Jon: Wow. That's... really fucked up, I wish you never said that. Please never speak to me again. Alright, I'm out.

Disney Bootlegs

• We start with some nonsense right away.
  Jon: So, do you think you could run that whole thing by me one more time about where the light goes or whatever it is?
  Bootleg Mufasa: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
  Jon: Say that again, say it to my fucking face.
  Bootleg Mufasa: BROTHER! HELP ME!
• While the bootleg Disney characters in the intro are really creepy, Bootleg Jaques just so happens to be voiced by a certain infamous text-to-speech voice. ^note the "WE ARE IN THE BEAM" guy from the Invasion update, WillFromAfar That's coupled with his continued existential horror of being a sentient machine.
  • Bootleg Mufasa randomly spouting a smaller lion head from his mouth à la Alien.
    Jon: I DON'T LIKE IT!!!
  • Bootleg Zazu is extremely disturbing but hilarious at the same time.
  • The irony of Jon getting a C&D from Disney.^note At the time, Jon worked for Polaris, a subdivision of Maker Studios... which is owned by Disney.
• Discussing bootlegs at the beginning brings up "Bear of the Interest". When Jon sees the toy in action...
  Jon: THERE IS NOT A CHANCE I AM INTERESTED IN THIS BEAR!
• When Jon figures out how to make the poorly edited Simba sprite ^note read: Mowgli edited into a lion twerk:
  Jon: (Aside Glance) If you can't beat 'em...join 'em. (twerks at the same jerky sped-up pace as the sprite)
  • Summed up by a comment. "WHAT WAS THAT TWERKING"
• Referring to a blade slicing from underground as a Freddy Kreuger glory hole.
• His reaction to Simba hanging himself after he gets a game over. A Voice Clip Song of him saying OH MY GOD in reaction to witnessing said hanging, to the tune of Circle of Life.
  • He then follows it up by saying this;
    Jon: Are you kidding me? Simba fucking hangs himself when you get a Game Over?! He just steps into a noose! He doesn't even kick over a chair, the earth beneath him just gives way! Yes, as you see this game is apparently infamous for its ridiculous Game Over sequences which also include Timon crying while digging his own grave and Pumbaa jumping into a pot of scalding water (somebody made this, folks, this is real). I can't understand: the rest of the game is pretty standard, it's not supposed to be shocking or anything. Maybe they just thought it made sense? Well, what can I say? (holds up a Lion King DVD case) Circle of Life, (holds up a noose) Circle of Death, huh? Because you know it’s circula- (Smash Cut to Jontron pretending to hang himself): I can't live in this world anymore! I saw Timon bury himself while crying, I saw Pumbaa cook himself...it's over for me!
• From the day we arrived on the planet/I was scared of Mufasa's face...
• MLG airhorns playing over Simba trying to enter a door.
• One of the bootleg Lion King games appears to take place in Imperial China. Jon's reaction:
  Jon: Also, why is this game set in Imperial China? The longer I play, the angrier I get about it! How'd the lions walk from Africa to there, it's pretty far!!
  • Gets even funnier when you remember that asiatic lions exist, though they don't live in China. Close enough?
  • Also, look closely at the visualization he uses when he asks how the lions got from Africa to China. Instead of using a character from The Lion King (Simba, Mufasa, Scar, etc.), he instead uses Alex.
• Seeing the small blimp with the swastika^note Here used in its original, peaceful Asian context (i.e., the Manji), but played Nazi for Rule of Funny on it results in multiple reactions:
  Jon: (quietly) All my life, leading up to this moment...has been Worth It. Every last second. I am truly blessed. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! I'm sorry! WHAT'S THAT? Oh that's just the "You Can't Make This Shit Up" Alarm!
  (the clock's face reads LOL SRSLY?)
  Jon: GET OUT OF MY BRAIN! (smashes the alarm and the stool it's on with a sledgehammer)
  • Jon states that the origin of this imagery was because of Adolf Hitler's love of the Disney Renaissance. Which is followed directly by footage of Hitler singing a Nazi version of Hakuna Matata.
    Hitler: Hakuna Matata
    What a Reich-worthy phrase
    Hakuna Matata
    No Jews, crips, or gays!
  • Depending on your sense of humor, it's even more amusing if you know about Hitler's supposed love for Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and other Disney films at the time, making Jon's joke semi-true to life.
• The first time Jon says "Get out of my brain!" Not so much the second time...
• The Great Bootleg is pretty creepy, but the fact that it's actually a boot is pretty cheesy. Its weird understated screams of pain in a very chill female text-to-speech voice while coughing up the disc are both creepy and hilarious, topped off with the calm, soft piano music accompanying it:
  Great Bootleg: Hey there, Jon.
  Jon: Who are you?!
  Great Bootleg: I'm the Great Bootleg.
  Jon: That's hokey! And Old JonTron was better! ^note Jon smirks for a split second before the camera cuts away
  Great Bootleg: Wanna see something RE-E-E-E-AL BAD?
  Jon: (cringing) Nooooo...
  Great Bootleg: Too bad, bitch. (starts vomiting up a game disc) Dying dying dying death death help help barf barf barf barf barf barf no one can stop the pain please can you stop the pain.
  (Jon gawks and gestures at the display in abject horror)
  Jon: (picking it up) Aw, that's gross, man; what the hell...
  • And then immediately after that we get this gem:
    AND THEN MAGICALLY JON GOT THE BOX FOR THAT DISC (Explosion and canned laughter as the video cuts to Jon holding said box)
• It's bad before he even puts the game in the system:
  Jon: (reading) Snow White and the Seven...Clever...Boys...? (holds up his hand, then slowly lowers it, letting out a sharp exhale)
• Jon's Freak Out over the title:
  Jon: Snow White and the Seven Clever Boys, SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN CLEVER BOOOOOOOOOOYS!! WHAAAT IS THAT FUCKIN' NAME?! WHOOOO MADE THIS?! I'm not gonna get over that, I-I absolutely guarantee you I am never gonna get over that name.
  (cut to Jon)
  Jon: I'm a clever boy, put me in, huh?
  (cut to Jon's face Photoshopped over one of the "clever boys" on the cover)
  Jon: Put me on that, get me in that.
• Jon frantically hovering over "Back to Menu" during the opening cutscene.
• His brief remix of the bizarre animation of Snow White and the weird arrow button to the Mario invincibility music.
• Snow White's singing:
  Snow White: This is my song. I am singing it now.
  Jon: Aw, sick lyrics, dude! Sick song! (Jon pulls a lighter out of his pocket and starts waving it back and forth) Get me outta here. Get me outta here right now.
• His reaction to the introduction of Big Basil, one of the seven clever boys in the game.
  (camera falls on an overweight boy)
  Narrator: And then there was Big Basil, who was...huge. Well, for a boy he was huge.
  Jon: AAAHH! It's too late, narrator! You already called the kid fat! There's no goin' back!
• His freakout over one of the more...appalling flaws in the game.
  (camera falls on a boy with a VERY obvious case of blackface)
  Narrator: And then there's Sonny, who took care of the plants and animals...
  (zoom in on the boy's face)
  Jon: WHAAAAT? AND, what is also a very... racist depiction of a black person! This game was approved by Sony with THAT in it?!
• What alerts Jon to the bootleg Frozen games? Zach Hadel and Chris O'Neil's rendition of "Let It Go".
• Jon in Elsa's dress.
  THIS WAS A MISTAAAAAKE!!!
• Jon's reaction to "Elsa's Zombie Baby", where the evil zombie curse is amended by surgery to produce a less-than natural final result.
  Jon: Oh... he's fixed!
• Frozen Brain Surgery.
  Jon: Frozen. Brain. Surger-wha?
• The montage of a bunch of gross Frozen games accompanied by Flight of the Valkyries and overlayed footage of The Hindenburg crashing, World War II planes dropping bombs, and Saddam Hussein's statue being brought down.
• Jon getting PTSD from the squicky Frozen flash games.
• Meta: One of the games Jon reviewed this time around is Snow White and the Seven Clever Boys, a "game" which Caddicarus previously reviewed. In the comments section, Caddy left this note:
  jesus why did you go near snow white you're crazy are you okay do you need any medical attention I'm concerned

Dark Dungeons

• In a meta sense: Jon's self-insert shots are so well-done they look like they were filmed alongside the other scenes of the movie.
• The cult in the opening and their dastardly plan to corrupt the youth of America:
  Barbarenos: Now every young boy in Nebraska knows that if he gets a little too curious down there, severe blindness and furry palms will ensue...
  • What makes this creepy opening even more hilarious is that it is never brought up again in the video, serving only as an Excuse Plot to have Jon talk about the movie.
  • The mere implication that Barbarenos is the only member of the cult to have an evil-sounding name.
• "Wow. I was really great in this movie I don't remember being in..."
• "Oh, and there it goes. -200 Damage to my DVD player for reading the data on this goddamn disc."
  • If you look closely, you can see a collection of Goosebumps books on the shelf under the player.
• Jon's contribution to the Satanic cult behind the RPG phenomena: leaving an episode of Bill Nye the Science Guy on three separate people's TVs.
• The intro of the movie plays, as Jon describes what's happening on screen in song.
  Jon: ♫ BLOOOOOOOOOD DICE! BLOOOOOOOOOD DICE! D&D WILL! GIVE YOU! AAAAAAIDS! THEN YOU'LL GO TO HELL WITH ALL DA CATHOLICS AND JEWS AND PLAY MAGIC DA GATHERING WITH SATAAAAAAAAAN! ♫
  • The singing strikes again here:
    Jon: ♫ PLAYIN' GAMES WITH AN EVIL WITCH WOMAN WHO'S DEFINITELY COLLEGE AGE! Wait, why did that guy just blow smoke out of his face? That's weird...
    WHEN YOU DIE IN THE GAME, YOU DIE IN REAL LIFE EXCEPT ♫ ya don't, you go back to your dorm and play some GTA V. Uh-huh? Alright, whatever...
• Jon wiping the sweat off his brow over a Les Yay heavy scene between Marcie and Debbie.
  • Then in a later scene where the undertones are more blatant, Jon simply responds with "ew."
• "And who might you be?" "We're—" "...just leaving."
  Jon: Oh hi, Just Leaving, I'm *blows whistle* RAPE!!!
  • The next scene — Nitro pressuring Debbie and Marcie into playing a game of RPG — is then scored by the Mii theme.
• This scene:
  Nitro: ARE YOU ALL HAVING A GOOD TIIIIME!!!
  Jon: I MEAN, YEAH, IT'S, IT'S ALRIGHT!
  Nitro: Now I know you all like to drink!
  Jon: (brandishing bottle of water) Hydration is important!
  Nitro: ARE YOU READY FOR THE MAIN EVENT?!
  Jon: YEAH!!!
  Nitro: ARE YOU READY TO RPG?!
  Jon (taking out an RPG-7): Oh, motherfucker, I was born ready!
  Nitro: Then let's get ready to RPG!!!
  Party: RPG! RPG! RPG!
  Jon: Well, if you say so.
  (Fires a rocket at Marcie and Debbie)
  (Cue a shout of "ALLAHU AKBAR!!!" followed by a building exploding)
  • The implications Jon bought a RPG-7 just for the pun.
• The rest of Ms. Frost's introduction with these quips:
  Debbie: Mike said that... once we start, we won't wanna stop.
  Frost: That's true of eating, drinking, and—
  Jon: Pringles. Especially the pizza flavor ones. (Eats a chip from the container) Oh look, here I go again. *Short giggle*
  • In a meta sense, the comments below show that hundreds of people didn't even know pizza-flavored Pringles exist. Along with a couple of Europeans asking if that is actually a thing.
• Shortly afterwards, this bit:
  Frost: If they want to be a couple of chickens who go their entire lives without experiencing the unrivaled thrill of an RPG, that's their business.
  Marcie: We're not chicken!
  Nitro: Then prove it by playing!
  Jon: Also, I'mma need a DNA sample from each of you, and a picture of what you think a chicken is. (Beat) Just to make sure we're talking about the same thing here.
• When Debbie tries to spare her opponent:
  Debbie: We don't have to kill him, do we?
  Frost: No, you could show mercy to your opponent, and all it would cost would be your gold, and your weapons!
  Jon: (In a castle, surrounded by gold, and wearing full-on Requisite Royal Regalia) From my cold, dead, GAUNTLET, DASTARDLY WITCH! (slashes a sword through a pile of treasure)
  • Comes back later when Debbie is pressed by imaginary versions of her fellow RPGers to not turn her back on their games. One of their reasons is that she'll lose all her weapons and gold.
    Jon: DEBBIE FOR GOD'S SAKE THE MAN IS SPEAKING REASON LISTEN TO 'IM!
• When Jon sees the DM's magical powers (intended to be seen as frightening and unnatural), thinks that this is super cool and that it would encourage him to play D&D.
• "You want it? Huh? You want it? Then take it. TAKE IT. TAKE IIIIITTT!!!!!"
  Jon: (stares with a smile for a second or two) You know...it was, it was all cool and good. But, uh, after that I just, I, ah, I don't think this can be the same anymore.
• This scene:
  Debbie: RPG's aren't that bad.
  Caption: BASICALLY A FACT IN BROAD TERMS
  Debbie's Teacher: Spells, poison, battles, maiming, killing?
  Debbie: Yeah, but it's all imagination—
  Debbie's Teacher: IS IT?
  Jon: Is it, Debbie? Well, I suggest you read a totally real book that has absolutely no poisoning, maiming or killing in it, called the Holy Bible and—
  (Jon pauses, staring blankly as he raises up the Bible)
  Jon (whispering): Oh no... that book-that book does got that...
• During Frost's discussion on awakening the lich, Debbie and Marcie interrupt her. Jon gives his two cents:
  Jon: Yeah, I'mma let you finish, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, 's all good about the evil lich, but first check out my high score in Flappy Bird (3).
• LARP, aka Jon dressed as Link and another guy dressed as Pikachu duking it out on Central Park.
  Jon: Blocked your thunderbolt! 3000 critical!
  Pikachu: Thundershock! Thunder! Thunder!
  (Pikachu guy falls over "dead" while Jon attempts to strike a victory pose)
  Jon: Thy arts--art slain.
• "Wait, Marcie, didn't you learn Arabic? You needed it to convert the Muslims, who didn't realize they were worshipping the moon god."^note Which, we must point out, is an actual (albeit largely disproven) theory about the true nature of Islamic worship. Appropriately enough, Jack Chick actually popularized this theory amongst religious fanatics.
  Jon: I ain't even... I ain't even going near that...
• TODD HELP ME!!!
  • GOT HEALTHY!
• Jon reads from the Necronomicon: "Salagadoola, mechicka boola, bibbidi-bobbidi-boo. Put 'em together and what have you got?" [Glasses Pull] "Bibbidi bobbidi boo..."
• "AAAAAAAAAAAAAND, IT'S CTHULHU! Of course it's Cthulhu, who else would it be-We got Cthulhu!"
• The sacrifice scene:
  Frost: I can easily take care of that.
  (unsheathes dagger)
  Cult Member: No! The Dark One needs one of them to take her own life.
  (sheathes dagger)
  Satanist!Jon: Actually, McDougal back here says we all get a free Egg McMuffin if you do the slaying yourself so... you know what to do.
  (unsheathes dagger)
  Satanist!Jon: Dude, you know what, actually, it's probably not the greatest idea to piss off Cthulhu, Lord of Darkness for the Mac Don Al's breakfast menu, so, uh, yeah abort mission, actually.
  (sheathes dagger)
  Satanist!Jon: Eh, y'know what, fuck it! McMuffins all around, let's get this party started!
  Cult (deadpan): Yeeaahh.
  (unsheathes dagger)
• Jon declaring that the film is a better adaptation than Dragon Ball Evolution.
  Jon: Take note of that, Dragonball Evolution, you f-fucking anomalous wretch in need of euthanization!
• "Gather up all your occult paraphernalia. The rock music. Occult books, including the works of C. S. Lewis and J. R. R. Tolkien!"
  Jon: "Although I will be giving a pass to the works of George R. R. Martin, because fuck me, Jon Snow is just a total goddamn heartthrob and you know it! If you doubt the occult nature of these books, just take a look here! (holds up copy of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe) No kid should be going through a wardrobe into a winter wonderland having dialogue with a talking lion! THAT SHIT BE MOTHERFUCKING WITCHCRAFT!"
• "The systems are malfunctioning! John's clocking in at a whopping 3:19!"^note John 3:19 is quite appropriate to the villains' goals, as it says "This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil."
  • Then when Cthulhu goes down due to Debbie ridding her inner demons:
    Jontron: Uh, see you Cthulhu, nice knowing you, nice to see you, *gibberish speaking* what the fuck is this.
• "So now with the help of Deus Ex Machina Mike, Debbie is taken to the one man who can help her rid herself of the evils that now infest her soul because of a tabletop dungeon crawler. The local pastry, I mean, the local pastor- hey, could've fooled me, only difference I see between the two is one of 'em's really yummy!" *Canned laughter and Seinfeld theme*
• "So, everyone. Thank you for going on this wonderful journey with me. Good night. And God bless America's... secular society...? Yeah? Maybe? ...I dunno."
• What, no love for this bit?
  Ghost!Marcie: (to Debbie) Why don't you come join me...
  (cut to Jon)
  Jon: I will, Marcie... I will!
  (cut back to film)
  Ghost!Marcie: (to Debbie; demonically) In Hell.
  (cut back to Jon◊)
  Jon: ......
  Ghost!Marcie: It's all one big party, and your friends are there.
• Jon has been quite subtle in his disapproval to the Chick Tracts overall, except this line, which only drops the subtlety for a little bit, and replaced it with funny
  Jack B. Nimble. Jack T. Chick. Jack B. Writing A Pile Of Shit. You know what I mean?

Howling II: Your Sister Is A Werewolf

• In a meta sense, there's the fact that Jon is apparently reviewing this movie without knowing about the first one.
• Throughout the film, Jon is frustrated by elements of vampire mythology crossing over into a werewolf film.
  • The killing method.
    Stefan: Drive a stake through a werewolf's heart.
    Jon: Drive a steak through a werewolf's heart.
  • Where are they going to fight the werewolves?
    Jon: Of course! Bell skeleton. I should have known that.
    Stefan: To the dark country.
    Jon: You don't mean... South Jersey?
    Stefan: To Transylvania.
    Jon: Transylvania. WHAT?
  • "Shortly thereafter, Jenny brings out some vampire garlic to piss me off even further..."
• The intro cutscene in which Jacques suddenly turns into a bird-werewolf hybrid. Jon's O_O face is perfect.
• Jon going home to his apartment, numbered 333. Then the "Jon commentary text" flashes onscreen helpfully informing us that his house number "+333=666!"
• Jon's reaction to a Monster Clown in his spooky apartment:
  Jon: Oh thank god, it's just a clown!
  (Jon shoots clown dead, then a honk is heard a moment after the clown had fallen off screen)
• Jon introduces the title of the film, only for his apparent werewolf sister to overhear.
  Sister: Jon, how could you say that about me?
  Jon: Whatever, you're going through puberty, it's normal!
  • Then after that:
    Jon: It's also known by its original name — Stirba: Werewolf Bitch (*not a joke)
• When seeing the first few seconds of the film, Jon thinks that Sir Christopher Lee was being filmed unawares since it was the only way they could have gotten him in the film.
  • "Mr. Lee...look out...there's a skeleton behind you...!"
• Jon imitates the flat stone carving of a face shown in the opening titles.
  Jon: ...heyhow'reyadoin.
• This:
  Priest: The death of anyone is a sad occasion.
  Jon: Even Hitler?
• When Ben is told that his sister is a werewolf, he replies:
  Ben: Ah, bullshit.
  *Laugh Track and fake credits with Three's Company theme playing''*
  Voiceover: The Howling II was filmed in front of a live Studio Audience.
  • Said fake credits are hilarious in themselves, especially if you know these names:
    Created by: Jim Abrams, David Zucker, Jerry Zucker
    Associated producers: Max Bialystock, Leo Bloom
    Story editors: Alex Kurtzman, Roberto Orci
    A production of: Cannon Films
    In association with: WHYYYYYYYYYYY
    Special thanks to: Sir Lee's crushed dreams
• "This isn't even good exposition! I can't jack my big old dick off to this!"
• This scene must be seen to be believed. It Makes Sense in Context, but that's not saying much.
• When a guy gets a bottle thrown at his face and gives a rather understated reaction to it, Jon allows several bottles to break on his head for real.
  Jon: ....Yeah, that actually just hurt for fuckin' real. I forgot whatever joke it is I had planned for that.(gives thumbs up) Let's move on, everyone.
• When some accidentally perfect comedic timing leads to him discussing how the film isn't an intentional comedy, a photoshopped poster for "Planes, Trains, And Werewolves" is briefly displayed.
  Jon: The great John Candy would've been in awe if he could see this today.
• "PAHWTY TIME! AGHWHOOHOO!" - Goon #3, 1954 - 1985
• In regards to Stefan's monologue about evolution and whatnot, Jon guesses that either Christopher Lee is improvising his lines, or he just now realized what movie he's in.
• Two of Christopher Lee's most memorable roles: Saruman the White and "the rhymes with poopoo, Count Dooku, from the worst Star Wars movie."
  • When Ben watches footage of his sister transforming and getting killed on-camera, Jon inserts other tragedies for him to react to, such as the Hindenburg crashing, ISIS declaring victory, and the opening crawl of Attack of the Clones.
    Ben: *Screams like Homer Simpson*
• "PROOF!"
• "How can you listen to this bull?!"
  Bull!Christopher Lee: I resent such words.
• Practically everything with how Jon interprets the scene where Ben shoots an elderly werewolf at the cemetery and gets information from him. First is how he segues into it:
  Jon: With the conclusion of Ben's sister coming back to life as a werewolf, Ben and Jenny now see that the tale of the werewolves is all true, so they shoot bullets at a nearby janitor with facial deformities for fun.
  • And then Jon states that Ben wrapping him in a net and then Stefan stabbing him dead was to keep him warm.
    Jon: Guy was cold, c'mon, what are you going to do, leave him there?
• "And then they have a ceremony for Grandma."
• Jon censors a multi-boob shot with "TIDDIES LOTS OF TIDDIES".
• Sybil Danning's infamous strip scene prompts Jon and his film crew (women included) cheering and high-fiving each other as the word "TITS" flashes across the screen.
  • Later, the group watches the midget throw a dagger at a mook (set to the music of Chariots of Fire no less), then wince when they see that the dagger sticks into the guy's crotch. Then the midget brains the mook with his mace and Jon and the crew applaud and cheer.
• As Stirba devours a young lady's soul to regain her youth, Jon reprimands her:
  Jon: Damn, Granny! Save some of that Ecto Cooler for the rest of us! We're running out again. The new "Ghostbusters" movie didn't do that well...
  (cue a montage of negative reviews for "Ghostbusters" as a slowed down version of the theme plays)
• When Ben, Jenny, and Stefan come across what is obviously a trap (with a bunch of villagers huddled around an elderly woman who apparently was run over), Jon assumes that this wasn't in the script. By which he means that she isn't an actor, she was actually run over and near death, and they made it part of the movie.
• After Stefan stabs her ("Oh God, that's not medicine!"), he tells Ben and Jenny he is going to head into town by himself. Jon edits this to make it seem like Stefan is about to go on a killing spree.
  • Jon's reaction to Stefan's response to the whereabouts of the villagers who were at the scene?
    Stefan: They're here... and they're not here.
    Jon: Yeah, I-I'm not really sure I'm following on this one, and after you stabbed that lady who got hit by the car in the heart, I'm thinking maybe you don't have the best judgement...
• "Oh my god! It's a werewolf with a dolly!" *Cracks a smile*
• EXTREME WOT
• "And this..." "...is just a fucking gun."
  • "I'll take that." "Yeah, that's probably the best choice."
• Apparently, last year, Jesus was crucified by werewolves.
• Jon's interesting interpretation of Vasile's advice to put in the earplugs.
  Vasile: PUTE DEM INN YUAR EAYRS DEYRE BREASTS
• The scene in which Vasile (the dwarf) is killed by Stirba's super-powered howling — it's already silly enough as is, but Jon's attempts at subtitling his dying screams is hilarious.
  Vasile: I'VE LOST MY EARPLUGS! BREASTS! BREASTS!!!!
  Jon: *Over a shot of Stirba's breasts* I know that's right!
  Vasile: THAT'S THE FUCK! DEFINE: SLIPPER!
  Jon: Er that one I can't... can't ge- can't get as much behind that one.
  *A shot of Vasile gasping, and Stirba's cloak inexplicably glowing red*
  Jon: What in the goddamn hell's happening in this stupid movie?
  *A shot of Stirba shooting red energy from her hands, followed by Vasile's eyes exploding out of his head played four times*
  Jon: Good fucking LORD!!
• Jon's confusion that the good guys have the Holy Grail as one of their weapons and that it's not nearly as surprising or important as it should be.
• Jon points out the... interesting... decision to have the credits periodically repeat the shot of Stirba stripping in time with the music seventeen times.
• At the end, Jon wonders if he can smash the prop phone that is next to him, then pretends to answer it. On the other line is another Jon .
  "Jon": Yeah, yeah, you suck!

The Weird World of PSAs

• Mr. T's warning, and the subtitles.
  Mr. T: DON'T. OR ELSE.
  Mr. T: O-KAI???
• Hell, the entire Mr. T PSA, and Jon's reactions to it.
  Mr. T: I get angry, just thinking about it makes me mad. Little kids doing drugs? It turns my stomach. (Nonchalantly breaks a glass)
  Jon: Mr. T! Are you bleeding? You all right?
  (Clip of Mr. T breaking his glass is played again in slow motion)
  Jon: Get a Band-Aid for ya?
  Mr. T: It hurts to use them. It hurts his family.
  Jon: Okay, I'm good. Just back up, we're good, man.
  Mr. T: (Turns toward the camera, and by extension, Jon) I just want to shake-
  Jon: Mr. T! Let me go!
  Mr. T: -Shake some sense into you kids!
  Jon: I'M NOT A KID, I'M 26!
• Jon's Literal-Minded reaction to the classic drug PSA where a woman goes crazy with a frying pan.
  Woman: (Holds up an egg) This is your brain.
  Jon: No it's not.
  Woman: (Holds up a frying pan) And this is heroin.
  Jon: No it's not. It's an egg and a pan.
  Woman: This is what happens to your brain. (Smashes the egg with the frying pan)
  Jon: No, that's what happens when you smash a-a egg with a pan.
  Woman: This is what your family goes through! (Smashes dishes with the frying pan)
  Jon: Oh, not the dishes! (The woman smashes the clock) The cl- Oh, the clock! How are we gonna know what time it is!? You didn't have to do any of that. You chose to do that.
  • Even better considering he already lampooned the PSA's predecessor with clever Analogy Backfire play.
• One of the PSAs features Penny from Pee-wee's Playhouse.
  Penny: Drugs can get you in big trouble. You can go to principal's office, or go to jail.
  Jon: There's a pretty big jump between those two.
  Penny: You can't watch TV or eat pizza.
  Jon: I'm out. No pizza? Can't watch TV, can't eat pizza? Go to jail? Can't eat pizza? Won't do 'em.
  Penny: Recess is good. Hamsters are good.
  Jon: Hamsters are goo...? Hamsters are good? How are..? Penny, you're getting off track.
• The "Who's More Dead?" commercial.
  Man: This kid died from using illegal drugs.
  Jon: Are you allowed to be in here?
  Man: And this kid died from using prescription drugs.
  Jon: (Laughing) "Who's more dead". He's gonna ask who's more dead?
  Man: Which one's more dead?
  Jon: This the deadest n(CAW!) I've ever seen. Just fuckin' walk into a graveyard, "Dis guy died from a bullet. Dis guy fell down da stairs. Which one o' dems is deader?"
  Man: (Stares silently at the camera)
  Jon: You better answer this, that's not a rhetorical question! That's not a rhetorical question! You HAVE to answer that when you go into that kinda territory! I'm mad!
• Meth Baby
  Jon: I'll never get over Meth Baby. As long as I live I will never unsee Meth Baby.
  (cut to Jon feeding the baby with a meth syringe)
  Jon: Ey, this g- this g- this gotta come to an end soon...
• The very idea of McDonald's backing a Michael Jordan anti-drug PSA do not go unnoticed.
  Jon: Why did it have to be McDonald's... who gave you this opportunity, it's just a camera and a background and you're in a suit.
  Michael Jordan: McDonald's restaurants has given me this time to talk to about something we both really care about: kids.
  (WHAT???)
  Jon: (Michael Jordan impression) Kids and MacDonald's boys. Girls. The education. Children. MacDonald's. Chicken MacNugget.
  • Aside from that, Jon points out that the PSA "is basically rambling".
• One word: "Ghoul".
  Jon: What was ghoul about that? Nothing about that was ghoul. "Weird Guy"! Could've called it "Weird Guy", but not "Ghoul"! [...] This one is false advertising. I wanted to be scared by a fucking ghoul..
• Hip Choice
  • The opening shows some weirdly, deformed puppets.
    Jon: I don't any of you guys need any more drugs. Looks like you've done all the drugs needed.
  • The Aggressive Drug Dealer and his hands full of drugs. Jon one-ups him by covering his arms in drugs.
    Dealer!Jon: Come on kids, don'tcha wanna bite of one of these babies?
• There is a legitimate PSA that says you might do something stupid while smoking weed... like buying fifteen surfing monkey coin banks. Jon says that something like that would make him want to smoke weed. He then calculates the cost of all the monkey banks (divided by pot money) with the Jeopardy music playing. The final cost? $363.
  Jon: What's that, enough for three tickets to Disneyland? (a Disney plane flies across the screen and explodes) If you can get that much fun out of a monkey surfboard piggy bank, GOD BLESS YOU! God bless you.
  • Jon's reaction to the surfing monkey in itself is this.
    Jon: I'm out. I'm out already on this one. I can't go any farther than that. I got 1/8th of a monkey turn, that's all I can handle.
• Jon's "dancing" when the "Drugs Drugs Drugs" song appears.
  • Also, Jon dancing to the "Straight Up!" song.
• Jon's reaction to the "Social Farter" PSA.
  Woman: I didn't go around calling myself a farter.
  Jon: Well that's probably a good thing, I don't know if you wanna go around doing that, calling yourself that.
  Woman: In my head, I was a social farter.
  Jon: (Puzzled look)
  Woman: I only farted occasionally.
  Jon: I'm getting uncomfortable, I don't really like this, can we turn this one off?
  Woman: And my boyfriend called me out on it.
  Jon: And good on him. He's taking it right where it matters.
  Woman: I even woke up in the morning craving a fart.
  Jon: Nice one, guys, sick allegory. You slipped it right in. I can't believe how smart you were for writing that. Just change "farting" to "smoking" and it's done. Tobacco companies lost all their shares! You did it! You've done it!
• Jon's reaction to an "Above the Influence" PSA:
  Jon: She's like "Not again." He's smoking, "not again", an alien's coming while my boyfriend's smoking weed. Not again! That alien's comin' up to me again, got a weird potato face! AAALWAYS HAPPENS, just trying to have a good day!
  (The alien is shown riding a spaceship with the girlfriend inside, while the guy looks all sad)
  Jon: Whoa, shit dude, that alien just stole that dude's chick! That is one pimpin' alien! "Not again."
  • This is followed by a vignette with Jon as an alien stealing a pot-smoker's girlfriend.
• Jon sees a PSA from Captain Lou Albano, famous for playing Mario on The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!, and does not pass up the opportunity to make a mushroom joke.
  OBLIGATORY MUSHROOM JOKE
  • MARIO MUSHROOM JOKES KILL 6 MILLION EACH YEAR. HELP THE FIND THE CURE. DONATE TODAY.
    Albano: Go to hell
  • Jon's first reaction to the thing, which actually cuts off Albano's introduction mid-sentence.
    Jon: Wasn't expectin' that.
• The pièce de résistance, however, is when Jon reaches "Pablo the Mule Dog". First, you have his response to the titular dead dog suddenly pop back up:
  Pablo: Which does rather prompt the question: what's the big deal-
  Jon: You should be dead, ghoul dog. Stay dead!
  • And then, after watching the rest of the PSA in Stunned Silence, all Jon can do... is make his own PSA, parodying the aforementioned Michael Jordan one, stilted dialogue and all.
    • What's even more magical is that he goes from promoting McDonalds to telling the people to not do drugs (otherwise Mr. T is going to shake them) to asking for a reopening of the 9/11 investigations.
  • COCAINE
• The video ends on a close-up of Ronald Reagen turning photo-negative, with a cheeseburger smoking a blunt covering his face, as a wet fart sound and intense musical cue play at the same time.

Christmas with the Kranks

• The video description:
  TIM ALLEN, CHRISTMAS OVERLORD. SUBMIT.
• The open, where Jon almost immediately undermines the holiday cheer.
  Jon: Well, it's the end of the year again. A time of joy, of giving, and of spending time with friends and family.
  (Brief cut to Jacques perched atop an active "NO RTH POLE CENTRA L" train)
  Jacques: Toot toot.
  Jon: At times such as this, one might almost forget that the United States of America is literally on fire right now.
  (Jon walks over to the window and peeks out behind the curtain, cutting to various clips of riots happening across Christmastime New York)
  Jon: Don't worry, Jacques. Soon God will exact his revenge upon us for our imperfections. (Jon takes a sip of Nog.)
• Jon finds that The Other Wiki's synopsis of The Santa Clause 3 is "too long or excessively detailed". Jon helps them out by replacing the synopsis with simply "Tim Allen and Martin Short get some serious $$$$$$$$$$$$ for XMAS".
  • In a bit of meta-humor, the fact that the actual page has been vandalized multiple times following the episode's release, so that Jon's "edit" is actually on the page.
• When Jon throws the disc for the movie off-screen, it apparently hit assistant director Sergio Torres for real.
• When Luther keeps smiling creepily at Nora, we cut to Jon, dressed as Nora (complete with Jamie Lee Curtis wig), saying "If you keep doing that, I'm gonna have to go to the police". Cut back to a reddening creepy Luther with a demonic-sounding "AEUHHH?".
  Jon: (back in his normal attire) I think that's a form of harassment... if Tim Allen looks at you like this. I think we're going to need legislation, this problem ain't gonna fix itself...
• "Just let it be known that I never asked to see Jamie Lee Curtis that truly sexually aroused by Tim Allen. But I got it anyway. 'Careful what you wish for'. They should say 'be careful what you DON'T wish for'! THAT!!!"
  HUH-YEAHUH?
  • "He's so horny at the idea of fucking off that he tells her to fuck off!"
• In response to Luther, "like a normal person", handing out flyers to everyone in his office that he isn't doing Christmas, Jon wonders who would actually care. Cut to two employees (one played by Jon) getting said flyers. Jon!Employee goes into a Thousand-Yard Stare form of Tranquil Fury as he crumples the flyer, while the other employee... ...well...
  Employee: (calmly, to himself) Go ahead... Run... But we will find you.
• Jon's endless Lampshade Hanging of how much of a Serious Business Christmas is in the world of Kranks.
  Aubie: [Nora]'s not buying Christmas cards, either.
  Jon: (dressed as a woman in a Baroque/Rococo gown, complete with powdered wig and hand fan) Indeed! And I hear a rrrrumor she's having a baby out of wedlock as well...
  Merry: Then why don't you have a [Christmas Eve] party anyway?
  Nora: Because we don't want to, Merry!
  Beat, Death Glares from everyone
  Jon: Yeah, I think it's about time to move to a new town and change your name.
• After Luther (rather rudely) explains why he isn't buying a Christmas tree, Jon reacts in kind: knocking over his own Christmas tree, stomping on it, and then pissing on it.
  Jon: (while pissing on the tree) How's this for a Merry Christmas, you bunch a' young innocent children trying to foster a loving community spirit?!
• "What?! The cat'll grow a new spine, who cares?!"
• After Nora states she refuses to wear the bathing suits Luther bought on the cruise:
  Luther: (leans forward) These aren't for the cruise.
  Jon: (leans forward; dramatic music) Then what're they for, Tim? ...what're they for?
• When the Kranks have to scramble to put together their Christmas party after their daughter says she's coming home for the holidays, Jon mentions that "includes a funny ham gag and real child abuse." Cue Jon dubbing in "To infinity... and beyond!" as Tim Allen tackles a kid.
  Jon: Don't hurt that child, Tim, you still have another thirty years of Christmas films to make, you can't make them in jail! (cut to clips of "No, No, Godot") Unless you're making "Christmas with the Kranks 2: Luther Gets a Perforated Rectum"... Don't be silly, Tim, leave that child alone for your own good...
• When a minor character reveals that another character's cancer has returned for the third time:
  Jon: (while "Cool, Cool, Mountain" plays) What is this bombshell about CANCER? What is this movie, a comedy, a drama, a horror, a satire, (zoom in on Tim Allen's Speedo bulge with Shakespeare superimposed over it) undiscovered Shakespearean classic?!
  • Followed by Jon's borderline Laconic summarization of the tonal shifts:
    Jon: (does a Three Stooges bit, complete with "Nyuck nyuck nyuck!"; abruptly stops to address the viewer) I'm very deeply, truly deeply sorry for the cancer diagnosis. (busts out and plays a slide whistle) (cut to Tim in Hawaiian-Shirted Tourist garb) This is the best movie ever made, folks, it's just that simple.
  • Jon's face when the woman reveals her cancer had returned.
• During one of the final shots:
  Jon: And good things never last!
  *motioning with eggnog jar, which leads to spilling it on himself*
  Jon: ...like this pants.
  *cue slow-motion repeat with epic music*
• And the ending, where Jon interviews people around the New York plaza to see if they can make a Tim Allen noise (re: from his Home Improvement days). Unfortunately, most of them are unsure of who Allen even is, let alone what noises he makes.
  TIM ALLEN CONFRIMED
  • It gets even funnier when he unwittingly puts an aspiring street preacher (whose theology is questionable) on the mic. Jon's facial expressions through the whole ordeal are as priceless as the statements themselves.
    Preachr: Yo' listen, real talk mang, this is not a game, do not go to these churches anymore. They: steal your money, they sell drugs... the only church that is of God, is The Seven churches in Asia. Those are the only churches that have God. And then show-
    Jon: (Unintelligible)
    Preacher: Hold on, hold on, hold on; calm down, calm down.
    Jon: I'll let you finish.
    Preacher: I am Allah, there is no reason why gods sell drugs, golf, do all kinds of things. If you can't tell me while holding me, oh-bushatabohota-ghboshata, you can't tell me what that mean; I'm buildin' the church called The Seven. My church is gonna be on fire. So I'm askin' you to stop supportin' those churches, and support me.
    • He doesn't know who Tim Allen is either. But, no worries! He does have a musical number!
  • How Jon ends the video after the guy is done:
    Jon: Let's get the FUCK out of here right now.
• Anytime Jon inserts a airhorn into a scene.
• Luther sees cruise ad, smiles to himself.
  Jon: (spits) Fuck Christmas! I'll rather drink my own urine than celebrate Christmas! (to viewer) Thanks for watching my Christmas Special everyone, be safe (spits)

StarCade episodes

Atari games

• The first shot of this epic? Jon flying around in the Millennium Falcon... while blaring a soundalike of "I Need a Hero"...
• As it happens, Jon got a hold of the fucking Millennium Falcon by asking Han and Chewie for a ride... and then locking them out of the cockpit.
  Han: CHEWIE, GET US OUTTA HERE! (banging on the door)
  Chewbacca: (growling)
  Jon: (to Han and Chewie, who are banging on the cockpit's door) I said shut up! You're just pissed off because I outsmarted you and got your flying saucer. And- and- and maybe next time, you'll think for a second before you pick up someone saying they need to get to the nearest hospital, as fast as they can... Ya chumps...
• In the trailer, a guy wearing glasses says "Oh my God... (Glasses Pull) it's Star Wars!" in a dramatic way. In the actual episode, the scene is a little different... Jon brings the Millennium Falcon to Earth to give everyone "a little sci-fi scare" ("Maybe I'll end up on the next episode of Ancient Aliens!") and the reaction he gets is:
  Glasses Man: Oh my god... (Glasses Pull) It's... (confused) Star Wars?
• When the ship received an "incoming message for Captain Solo from Supreme Commander Vader", for some reason it's later translated to..... Spanish??
• Darth Vader tries to force choke Jon. Except...
  Jon: (shocked) That's not my throat...
  • Immediately afterward:
    Darth Vader: Your will is strong, I'll give you that.
  • This gets even funnier after The Reveal.
• Darth Vader has kidnapped Jacques.
  Jacques: Jon save me. Me am your bird friend. Bark bark.
  • Darth Vader ruthlessly murdering Jacques. It's funnier than it sounds, not least because of the Special Effects Failure when we're presented Jacques's mutilated corpse.
    Jon: Oh, no! He's just a boy! Ohhhh, noooooo!
  • The best part about it is that this makes Jon... Jon Solo.
• Darth Vader ordering Jon to play every Star Wars video game for him... "even the poopy ones."
  Jon: (without changing facial expression) Not the poopy ones!!
  • Funny story, Jon didn't even realize he was Darth Vader at first. In fact, hand to God, he thought that Vader was in fact his dad, in costume, trying to teach him a lesson.
    Darth Vader: ...what?
• Why does Darth Vader want Jon to play all the Star Wars games? He wants footage for his Lets Play channel, "Darth_Vader_LikesGreenDay1992".
  • It gets better: Jon's reaction is the reason why this is called StarCade.
    Jon: Seriously? That's what you're gonna call it? (scoff) You'd be better off calling it something stupid, (looks directly into the camera) like StarCade. (Beat) (cue intro)
    • And then you get into how Vader gives Jon the games: he opens up a window, and drops them onto the Millennium Falcon, which wind up hitting Jon inside. And then, as a cherry on top, he lowers the rest in a box.
      Jon: ...'s good. Thank you.
• When talking about the Atari 5200 port of the Star Wars arcade game, Jon naturally brings up this little commercial.
  Jon: (trying to dodge laser blasts) OH GOD I'M GONNA DIE!
  • "Died the way he lived: like a goddamn psychopath."
• After years of playing games in increasingly impossible ways, Jon is finally tripped up by an Atari 5200 cartridge.
  Jon: Let's go to the moon, baby! Or space... ... Which way does this go in?
• "Star Wars: Bird vs. Camel"
  Jon: (as the boxart makes bird and camel noises) I can't even hear over this boxart!
  • And now Bird vs. Camel has been made into an actual game on Newgrounds.
• While playing "Star Wars: Return of the Jedi: Death Star Battle", Jon has a... remarkably easy time destroying the Death Star (due to him camping out in a corner where none of the enemy ships can hit him):
  Jon: (smiling while repeatedly hitting the fire button) Wow. They made this look harder in the movies...
  • And when the game restarts upon beating the Death Star, Jon compares it to Groundhog Day.
• "(deadpan) How about this one, "Star Wars: Jedi Arena", where Luke◊ doesn't looks like he gives a shit at all."
  • And then Jon gives up after a few seconds out of fear/confusion of it refusing to slow down.
• While playing the unreleased Ewok Adventure game, he notes the odd design of the AT-ST's, and shows an artistic rendering of what the design would look like in HD - a crying skull with chicken legs and with a high pitched scream in the background.
  Jon: Terrifying.
• After playing the Ewok Adventure game for a while, Jon crashes the in-game ship. The result? His character walks down the screen for a few seconds, gets into another ship that came out of nowhere, and continues flying.
  Jon: (slightly deadpan) What an adventure. (looks into the camera) An Ewok Advent- (extreme close-up) WHAT?!
• The ending:
  So stick around until the next time to fi- to find out the mystery of who was who- who allegedly let those dogs out after all... IT WAS ME, I'M TRYING TO SLEEP, ALRIGHT!?
  *Cue unnecessarily epic orchestral version of Who Let the Dogs Out*
  • The Stinger shows Jon back in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon, listening to the aforementioned song over his headphones and dancing in his chair.

X-Wing

• Jon kicks a panel in the Millennium Falcon, which then explodes.
  Ouch.
• "The hidden rebel training facilities" (which are by no means even slightly hidden).
  Hidden. Not sure if planet-sized space stations fall under that umbrella. (holds up small umbrella) They go under dis one! (randomly bites umbrella) Ach!
• Jon's reasoning as to why the X-Wing game exists.
  Jon: Yes! Ever since mankind first walked the Earth, they DREAMED of gaining the technology necessary to destroy each other over petty issues, IN SPACE WITH LASERS!
• The cameos of Ross who somehow flew his X-Wing into the bottom of the ocean and Markiplier, who ran into a red-haired lady riding a "wizard-like school bus" and now is stuck inside Arnold. Once Jon comes in contact with Goblin-Head Boy, he just decides to blast the whole thing to hell.
  • "A whale! SPERM whale!"
  • "ARNOLD!!!!"
• The dancing little crab man.
  But it does not appear that he's moving OH WAIT NEVER MIND yeah he is. Moving around like a lil'...lil' crab.
• The explosive space casket in the Bad Ending of X-Wing.
  AH WELL! He didn't make it after all. Yeah, just put him in a box and flush him down the spacehole, you know how it is. (casket falling through space) Hopefully the dynamite we put in that box will come in handy to someone (casket is shown exploding after it falls into Earth) OH THERE IT GOES!
• "And for god's sake, who designed this chair? It's terrible!"
• Jon spies a palace perched precariously on the edge of a cliff:
  "Yeah that's definitely a good place for that. I see absolutely no problems arising here."
• "Grain treachery, it's felled the best of men."
  Don't worry guys, it's not what you think. He's just very disappointed he let Darth Vader down. Poor guy's taking it hard.
• Jon dressing up as Darth Sidious at the very end and doing an Evil Laugh that gets looped and dissolved into the music...which then cuts out with a fart.

Star Wars Chess

• "Chewbacca" (literally) trying to eat Jon's dick. This inspired some puns in the comments about how Jon's dick got "chewie'd" off.
  • Even more funny if you mute the video and look at it as if "Chewie" is giving Jon some really intense oral pleasure.
• This gem:
  Jon: Sorry for that short hiatus everyone...
  "Chewbacca": Where am I?
  Jon: I'd like to take full responsibility for how much of A SORE LOSER this guy is over here!
  "Chewbacca": You look like a fat Josh Peck.
  Jon: WHAT?? HUH? THAT'S THE LAST TIME I ADD A WOOKIE ON CRAIGSLIST!! If I'm being honest with ya, I don't think this is the real Chewbacca.
  "Chewbacca": I'M NOT!
• After he points out that The Software Toolworks' name appears larger than the words "Star Wars Chess", as a result of In Case You Forgot Who Wrote It, he then sings an appropriate parody of "Total Eclipse Of The Heart".
  Once upon a time there was credit to give
  But now they're only twisting my hand
  Nothing I can say
  Total Eclipse of the Brand
• The arbitrarily long amount of time it takes for Jon to make one move in the first game leaves Jon a mere skeleton. ^note Likely due to a Moore's Law induced bug, where the game runs by checking the processing power of the computer. In a time-appropriate computer, such as the 90's or an emulator set to run similarly to a 90's computer, the game will run like this., whereas with more modern computers with super fast processors and trying to play the game as-is, it'll lead to ultra-high framerates as shown in Jon's video.
• Not only Darth Vader's label as a queen in the Sega CD game, but his curvy strut as he walks off the screen with Princess Leia. Jon even snickers when he sees Darth's status in the game.
  Jon: With a walk cycle like that, you know the queen lifestyle chose you, ok, you were born to be a diva.
• Yoda getting high. Nuff said.
• Jon attempts to recreate the in-game chess Hyperspeed Escape-esque scene with a real life Star Wars board game, leaving it in shambles all over the place.
  Jon: aw man....
• The utterly psychopathically violent cutscenes showing the deaths of all the in-game characters, accompanied by captions such as "CHILDHOOD OFFICIALLY DAMAGED" and "TRUE HORROR".
  • Yoda turning into a pile of poo.
  • Jon: Oh-It's beautiful, it's majestic, Yoda made that poor man commit suicide, he's so cool, I wonder how he does all that weed an-and still be so cool.
  • "I thought I told you, I don't like banana pudding!"
• The end where Jon tries to grab a chess piece of Obi-Wan, and then realizing that it's stuck to the chess board.

Nintendo Star Wars

• Jon finding out his Star Wars NES cartridge is region-locked by the Imperial Empire for containing "facts". It then offers an alternative game, "Alderaan Was an Inside Job", done in the style of Fire Emblem's GBA titles.
  • Then Jon says he has to play the region-unlocked systems, which play everything in Gungan Basic. The camera then focuses on a few game systems, then we cut to Jon turning on a Gamecube with a picture of Jar Jar Binks on it. This is accompanied by a soundbyte of Jar Jar going, "OH NO!"
    Resident Evil 4 Merchant: Heh heh heh. Whatta yousa buyin'?
    Jon: This is not the same thing. This is bad.
• Jon's frustration with the second game constantly getting interrupted by pop-ups with advice from the other characters (shades of Hercules on the Game Boy). Eventually Jon himself gets interrupted by a pop-up from Leia!
  Jon: OH COME ON!
• "Bonjour! I am art."
• Jon's dialog after crashing his Snow Speeder and Luke out coming no worse for wear...
  Jon: Hahahahahaha! I'm invincible! I'm a god! I don't even need a snow speeder! Here I come! I'm gonna break the game! I don't care about your f*cking rules!
  • A bit earlier, after Jon mentions that you can shoot the AT-AT in the rear end...
    Jon: *while inside a Snowspeeder wearing a full Rebel pilot costume* Time for a backup plan, sir. The enemy appears to be totally enjoying getting it up the butt.
• The blasters fire at a progressively faster rate as the game technology improves with each installment, provoking this little skit:
  Scientist!Jon: At the current rate of technological growth, we predict by the far-off year of 2002 that blasters would approximately be firing this fast.
  [fires the blaster he's holding directly into the lecture theatre]
  [screaming is heard in the background]
  Scientist!Jon: Oh my goodness, I fired directly into the gallery. [Beat] Ohh...OHHHH...OHH-
  • The chalkboard in the background shows that the scientist is called Dr Jontronson.
• His reaction to Darth Vader in the Famicom game turning into a scorpion when he gets hit.
  Jon: Excuse me, whaaaaat?
• His reaction when he succeeds in killing the actual Darth Vader.
  Jon: What kind of crazy creature are you gonna turn into this time, Vader?
  [he hits Vader with the lightsaber causing him to explode]
  Jon: Well that time it was just actually him I think. [Beat] Poor guy, I just w- I just wanted to slaughter an animal.
• The ending: Jon turns into a butterfly.

Phantom Menace games

• Obi-Wan's frankly disturbing death (via a propeller) in the PS1 The Phantom Menace video game and Jon's reaction to it.
• Jon describes Obi-Wan's face in the title screen of Star Wars: Episode I - Jedi Power Battles as looking like he's "listening to his friend's parents fight during an awkward family dinner." The camera then zooms in on his face as a muffled argument between a husband and wife plays in the background.
• In one of the PS1 games, Yoda makes a funny laugh every time you get a powerup.
  Jon: (while dressed as a clown) So what, I'm funny now? I'm a funny guy just because I'm dressed like a clown? I suppose you think I shouldn't have a GUN, EITHER!
• One of the Flash games based on Revenge of the Sith being a "Scene-Bot", or as Jon puts it, a "George Lucas special edition simulator".
  Jon: Why make one movie when you can keep adding to the same one forever?
  • He then goes berserk while adding multiple copies of the characters fighting, followed by him shoving VHS's of the theatrical versions of IV-VI into a safe that explodes.
    Jon: It must be perfect.. never clean... NEVER CLEAN!! The past never happened, I'm in control of my life!!
• "You were my brother, Anakin! I loved you!"
• While playing The Gungan Frontier for PC, Jon is reminded of his favorite Gungan-based Star Wars game: Jar Jar's Jar Jar Jar, a fictional game about Jar Jar trying to open a jar with a miniature version of himself in it.
• While playing Star Wars Episode I: Racer, Jon compares Watto to the lovechild of Gonzo and Jeff Goldblum.
• The Jar Jar Binks dubstep action figure Gainax Ending, which has a Gainax Ending of its own with the scenes of Jon as an action figure and the Jar Jar action figure floating in space.
• -Spit Take- THE MOON?!
• The Mustaches of the Former Soviet Union coloring book. It only comes with color brown, and you better not color outside the lines or else Papa will have to go back to his concrete hole in the ground.

Yoda Stories

• The entire intro sequence with Jon and "Yoda".
• "Yoda's" channel, Greenboys, with the video they show having "Yoda" being stomped on by someone.
  Yoda: Bro, bro, bro, it's a prank! It's a prank, bro, bro, bro!"
  • What really takes the cake is the fact that this is footage from an actual channel on YouTube. See for yourself.
• The Indiana Jones Desktop Adventures "cutscene" starring Jon.
  Indiana: Hey, honey, I have an idea! Let's play a game! It's called "Who Bought What?" How you win? You point to ONE THING IN THIS HOUSE YOU BOUGHT WITH YOUR OWN MONEY!
  • Also, Jon lampshading the game's tagline - "Literally billions of possible games!"
    Jon: Literally billions! All on this conveniently... one small disc. Billions of liiies!
• "Where promises of Yoda watching you breathe in your sleep are guaranteed."
• Jon dropping R2 on a physics book.
  PHYSICS LEARNED.
• When Jon hears the sound the game makes after killing an enemy, he finds it very unfitting. Cue him shooting himself with a blaster, with the same "schloop" sound effect.
• The ending where Jon gets "perfect Yoda" and his face drops in a similar manner to Windows Solitaire (as a Call-Back to an earlier joke).
  Jon: Owww...

Star Wars Plug and Play Games

• Just take all my money!
• When comparing the Endor speeder bike game to the Return of the Jedi arcade game, Jon interprets the digitized C-3PO speech in the latter as "We are now papa hepatitis".
• Jon's reaction to the Clone Troopers game.
  • When Jon is trying to salute Christopher Lee, he keeps shooting Dooku on accident, saying it's out of love.
• Jon plays a motion-sensor based game where you swing around a lightsaber peripheral.
  Jon (Voiceover): Y'know, surprisingly, this is.. pretty fun. Although, it probably feels a lot cooler in my head than how it actually looks. But who cares, right? Fun is fun!
  [Cut to Jon flailing the lightsaber peripheral around like a madman]
  Jon: I'M REAL!
  • Jon talking about how stubby the motion control lightsaber is, and how he thinks it was packaged for something else.
    [Cue smooth jazz music as the camera moves along the saber suggestively]
    Jon: I think it was packaged for the wrong purpose.. if you know what I mean. You know what I mean.
    [Cut to Jon wearing a orange jumpsuit wielding two lightsaber controllers as batons]
    Jon: X-Wing Docking right over here, Mr Skywalker sir!
  • The "advanced method" Jon uses to defeat Obi-Wan in the tutorial: wait for his Parkinson's to overwhelm him and then whack him on the head multiple times before he comes back to reality.
    Jon: I tried this tactic on my grandpops to get him to stop drinking and throwing stuff, but all he did was screeeam.
• Jon decides to "plug himself" and play his own game, which is a shooter styled game. The boss? Rockington.
  Jon: Not this one. It's terrible! The first eighteen levels are easy and then mom and dad stop caring.

Everything Else

• The opening where Jon is eating a load of apples he got from the apple planet...only to be informed by C-3PO that those are the inhabitants of the apple planet.
  Jon: (With blood coming from his mouth) Oh, that's why they were screaming...
• Jon talks about Star Wars: TIE Fighter, where you're a part of the Empire.
  Jon: That's badass, dude! I wanna embrace my inner dark side. I wanna look and feel the part! I wanna go all the way!
  (Cut to Jon dressed as a Nazi)
  Jon: No, okay, no, this didn't work. Let's- I'm gonna take this off now.
• Jon mocks the cloaks worn by the characters in the game.
  Jon: What's coming back next, the Anakin Skywalker bowl haircut?
  (Cut to Jon with said haircut and rosy cheeks)
  Jon: (In a German accent) A boy can dream. (Bites into comically oversized lollipop)
• Jon tries out the "Weapons Tests" section of Star Wars: Behind the Magic.
  Jon: Ewok rock? Yeah, that's my favorite genre too.
  (He clicks it, and the Stormtrooper on screen begins getting pelted with rocks)
  Jon: Oh, ow ow! I thought it was going to be an enjoyable concert with furry midgets!
  (A giant boulder falls on the Stormtrooper)
  Jon: Holy crap! Wow, what educational value. Ahem, well, they have a good point, how else would you know your weapons are functional?
  • Another option in the "Weapons Tests" section of the game is Death Star Ray. Used on a single Stormtrooper. Jon picks it and watches as the poor Stormtrooper desperately tries to get away... and then calls it a cop-out when they don't actually show the poor trooper getting vaporised. This is even funnier now that a direct hit from the Death Star superlaser has now canonically killed someone in the franchise.
• While discussing the Millenium Falcon playset (which Jon describes as a more complicated version of using your keyboard), footage of C-3PO attempting to use it is shown.
• The entire segment with the action figures of George Lucas and his family as Star Wars characters.
  Jon: Fancy yourself George Lucas as good guy? *holds up figure of George Lucas dressed as a Rebel pilot* How about George Lucas as bad guy? *holds up figure of George Lucas in Stormtrooper armor*
  George Lucas as family. *holds up "Lucas Collector's Set" box, containing figures of characters played by Lucas's family who made a brief cameo in Revenge of the Sith*
  *Jon bashes the figures together in his hands* All hate. All fight.

The Star Wars Holiday Special

• Jon gets his copy of the Star Wars Holiday Special from George Lucas himself.
  Jon: Come on, George, loosen up a bit, I just wanna see it, don't be such a prude.
  George: I, uh, I mean I dunno. Maybe if you give me a little kiss first or something.
  Jon: I just wanna see the film, George.
  George: Now you're getting sassy with me, that's gonna be two kisses, see what happens when you sass me?
  Jon: You're a very persuasive man. (Kisses him on both cheeks)
  George: Little kisses for daddy. See, was that so hard?
• The special decides to give credit to all the actors...except for R2-D2.
  Jon: Oh that's real nice, give the guy in an air-conditioned monkey suit credit, but the poor underpaid dwarf who's gotta roast in a tin can all day? Screw him.
• The clip of Han Solo saying "That's it, I'm turning back!" coming up whenever something extremely stupid happens.
  • Lampshaded when it is first played on screen:
    Chewbacca: Is that foreshadowing?
• "SCI-FI THRILLS!"-as Chewbacca's wife is watching Chef Gormaanda's cooking show.
• "YOU GAVE THE MAN PORN!"
  • "You come into the mans house ON FUCKING CHRISTMAS, you set up INTERSPECIES VR POOOOOOORN in his living room!"
• Jon's incredulous reaction to seeing that Jefferson Starship was involved for one of the songs.
  (Head in hands on desk) "WHY?! WHY?!"
• One scene has Jon with a big head while he speaks in a distorted voice, meant to poke fun of Han Solo's face in the cartoon segment.
  Jon: HELL IS REAL!
• As it happens, Darth Vader's actual plan with StarCade was to distract Jon while he completed his real plan... of rebuilding Star Wars Kinect a la the Death Star.
• Jon managed to get into Darth Vader's lair by "[making] a little connection back at home base". He crashed the Millennium Falcon into his ship, connecting them.
• At one point, Jon simply grabs Darth Vader's lightsaber and throws it away. ...by the blade.
  Darth Vader: How can your skin possibly resist the damage of a Sith's blade?
  Jon: (smugly lifts up his now-skeletonized hand) It can't. (cue Jon smacking Darth Vader around with his skeleton hand)
  • As he smacks Darth Vader around with the skeleton hand, a silly xylophone version of Duel of the Fates plays.
• As Palpatine is electrocuting Jon, Darth Vader glues Jacque back together.
  Jacque: Bird am real again.
  • And then he throws Jacque at Palpatine... who proceeds to turn into a bird person and punches Palpatine over the railing. Which by itself is a Call-Back to a joke made in Clock Tower video!
  • And before that, there's Palpatine's Motive Rant, where he basically says he's rebuilding "Star Wars Kinect" just for the sake of enjoying the Schadenfreude.
    Jon: What do you want from me? Why do this?!
    Palpatine: Because I want to see people all around the galaxy do the funny Han Solo dance!
    Jon: Oh, God, no!
    Palpatine: And I will be there to watch as every last person gets frustrated because the controls almost work but never quite do what they're supposed to do!
    Jon: Impossible evil! What wretched part of the galaxy did you spawn from?!
    Palpatine: Los Angeles.
    Jon: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
    (Palpatine uses force lightning on Jon)
    Palpatine: And after this, we will go to my chambers, and I will watch you try to navigate the menus!
• The reveal that Darth Vader was actually Arin.
  Jon: I- I don't get it. I mean, why go through all this, what was the point?
  Arin: I just wanted to play a game with you. Like old times.
  Jon: Well, you have my phone number, you coulda just called me...
  Arin: You know me. (Cough) I'm never the one to take the easy way.
  Jon: Cause I was enslaved for six months, it's not funny! That was my real life! What is wrong with you?
  Arin: I'm sorry.
  Jon: It's okay. Made a big thing out of it, put it on my channel, turned out alright.
  Arin: Yeah, you know, it was pretty good!
  • The downsides of buying a star destroyer on eBay include "space" leaking in from time to time, and four - possibly five - raccoons roaming around.
• This bit
  Arin: Jon, I... I have something to tell you.
  Jon: What is it, Arin?
  Arin: I am a poo-poo, pee-pee, fart, diaper baby, stinky, asshole, doody brain!
  Jon: Looks like you shouldn't have let me write your lines!
  Arin: Uhhh... My dad is Adolf Hitler!
  Jon: (with a shit-eating grin) Yes, he is. And he will always be!
  Arin: (Begins coughing violently)
  Jon: Arin!? Arin! ARIN! ARIIIIIIIN! ARINNNNNNN!
  Arin: Wassup?
  Jon: ...Well you alright?
  Arin: Yeah. Well, polio, but yeah, for now, everything's good.
• At the very end George Lucas coughs blood for some reason. And apparently, this isn't the first time this has happened.
  • And right before that:
    George: (Holding a picture of Jon and Arin in their "Hey I'm Grump" and "I'm Not So Grump" shirts) It feels as if the balance has been restored to the galaxy... Or at least to a very niche part of the internet.
• Pretty much everything Chewbacca's father says:
  Grandpa's watching his tittie flicks!
  
  Is that so? maybe one night Grandpa will forget to turn the gas off.
  
  LEMME AT DAT BOOTIE!
• Right after Jon realizes how careful he should be with the Holiday Special's VHS, he knocks over several beakers with it, throws it on a record player, drops it, slams it back on the record player, and jabs the needle through one of the VHS's reels.
  • The jars that Jon knocks over while going to put the VHS in (doubles as a Freeze-Frame Bonus)
    • "The Black Plague"
    • "West Nile Virus"
    • "Donald Trump's Hairpiece"
    • And what gets spared? "Memes."
• FURIOUS MASTURBATION

Other videos

Jon and Ethan Learn Kung Fu

• Jon inexplicably has a skeleton of a gi-wearing child in a closet. Ethan is reasonably upset.
  Jon: It's not about the skeleton it's ABOUT THE GI PUT THE GODDAMN GI ON, ETHAN!!!
  • Also the Visual Pun of Jon having a skeleton in his closet, which Ethan lampshades.
• While walking around Chinatown, Jon leans on a fire hydrant...which begins spontaneously leaking. Jon and Ethan proceed to flee.
• The final challenge Chenying presents to Jon and Ethan: a gun.

The Jontron Challenge

• The introduction of Remington.
• A challenge has Jon dress goofily and play a saxophone (badly) in public. What follows is a hallmark in Cringe Comedy history.
  • Two people seemingly recognize Jon and talk to him. However the camera does a poor job of picking up their voice, and they're further drowned out by Jon's saxophone playing. Fortunately Jon was nice enough to provide subtitles... sort of.
    Extremely Excited Black Guy: MY SON IS REAL! ^Translation?MY SON, IT'S REALLY YOU!
    Jerkass White Guy: Hide your videos. You need help. ^Translation?I like your videos. Here, have some money.
  • At one point, Jon suddenly appears dancing with Minnie Mouse whilst playing The Bear Necessities on his sax.
• After someone asks for Jon to save his/her parent's marriage:
  Jon: I can't. I can't fix... where there never was love. Just take him on Judge Judy.
  Beat
  Text On Screen THANKS FOR WATCHING THIS SHITTY VIDEO

Hunting DUNGEONS!! (In a dungeon...)

• Jontron got to a skull chest. Opening it caused him to get a new sword and apparently the Hindenburg to crash.
• Jon tests how many butts he can fit on the screen before Adobe Premiere crashes, set to "Concerning Hobbits".
• The Immortal Gatekeeper: ∞ B.C. - 5 seconds ago
• Jon's ending monologue.
  Jon: Well, honey, sometimes things aren't so simple. We must live with the weight of our actions. So, yes, the past finally did catch up with me. They got me. Should I have returned that library book? Most likely. But was this an overreaction on their part? Probably a little bit. I'll never see our kids again, honey. It's over. So remember me. Remember me by the content of my character, and the amount of gold in my Dungeon Hunter 5 wallet. I also got a couple really cool swords in there as well. Goodbye-Alright, see ya, I got another dungeon to hunt!
  Jon would later go on to become confused and scream, leading the guards to confiscate his iPhone.
  Beat
  He remains in his cell to this day, still unaware that his wife was a text to speech program.

FIREWORKS FULL COVER

• Jon does mildly well for the majority of the song, only to break down for the last minute or two.
  Jon: Make 'em go, ah, AH, EUGH!
  Jon: (forgetting the beat to go on a monologue) 'Cause baby, you're a firework. Y'know. Let them see. What you're worth. This song has been my mortal enemy for about four years now, I CANNOT, and COULD NOT sing it. A-and I'm gonna go home and never think about this again. Thank you.

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