What were they thinking?
So, it's time to talk about... myself. On this godforsaken website called TV Tropes. More like TV Turd! Come on, I'm a fucking video game reviewer! Get The Nostalgia Critic for this television shit! Oh, all right.
So, I'm the fucking Nerd, and I review shitty games. It's my duty to review dysfunctional games (mostly made by the incarnate of hell, LJN) and warn people from playing this shit. They have several fucking problems, like shitty controls, HORRIBLE music, annoying enemies and putrid graphics. Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK WERE THESE PEOPLE THINKING?!? I'D RATHER PUT MY BALLS IN A CROCODILE'S MOUTH WHILE SHOVING MY HEAD UP A UNICORN'S ASSHOLE!!!!
These tropes are a shitload of fuck:
- 10-Minute Retirement: I thought I finally hit the bottom of the barrel with Desert Bus. The fact that a game like it could come into existence and that people have played it and suffered through it and even adapted it into an Atari 2600 game meant that I had failed. I did everything that I could. It was time to retire... until Castlevania II: Simon's Redaction.
- The Alcoholic: Comes when you review shitty fucking games. I especially like Rolling Rock. And I like drinking Rolling Rock on a Roll n Rocker. ROLLING ROCK ON A ROLL N ROCKER!
- Alternate Self: You know who you are - you're a nerd. You'll always be a nerd. A video game nerd.
- Arch-Enemy:
- Laughin Jokin' Numbnuts bring nothing but misery by making more SHITTY FUCKING GAMES! Also, Fucking Fred Fucks and that Bugs Bunny Bitch!
- Robert Louis Stevenson: YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!!
- Ass Shove: I wonder if The Joker got all those Batman games I put in his ass out yet.
- Atomic F-Bomb: I've done that a few times, especially that time when I discovered decent Godzilla games that were released when I was no longer a kid. I was born too fucking early! FFFFFUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!
- Before the Dark Times: Fuckin' video games. We wasted so many hours of human life with this vile crap! We failed in our existence when we were cursed with the technology to invent such horrible mind-rotting catastrophes! We were better in the fucking medieval times! I wish we were just sitting on a river bank playing with fucking rocks!
- Berserk Button:
- Really shitty controls! Like there's four buttons in front of the controller! BUT THAT'S NOT ENOUGH TO WORK WITH?!? INSTEAD THEY PROGRAM IT TO ALL KIND OF CRAZY BUTTON COMBINATIONS AND SHIT?!?
- Awful, awful music. I especially hate LJN Video Art. It just goes KHHHHHHHHHHHHH. PERFECT FUCKING QUALITY. Makes Beethoven look like fucking pop shit. You know that whenever I see that rainbow logo on the box or cartridge, that means I'm fucked.
- NO FUCKING PAUSES! Do I just have to hold my shit?!? Or, actually never mind. I'll just shit on shit... I mean the cartridge... fuck off. My ass is worth more!
- Boom, Headshot!: Jason is easier to beat in Real Life than he is in that fucking game.
- Born in the Wrong Century: If only I wasn't born too fucking early, I would've been able to play the Pipeworks ''Godzilla'' Trilogy when I was a kid.
- Character Catchphrase: Here are my thoughts on this article.
- AAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSS!!!
- WHAT A SHITLOAD OF FUCK!!!
- I'D RATHER EAT SHIT AND CHOKE ON IT TO DEATH!!!
- WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?!
- FUCK THIS GAME!!!
- THIS GAME SUCKS!!!
- SHITTY GAMES... SHITTY GAMES!!!
- I'M DEAD. FUCKING. SERIOUS.
- LET'S POP THIS FUCKER IN!
- Burning Bag of Poop: Goddamn kids left me a flaming bag of shit on my doorstep during Halloween 2015.
- Caustic Critic: What? You think I'm gonna be nice to shitty games? Piss off.
- Cluster F-Bomb: Man, fuck this article! Fuck it to hell! Fuck it to oblivion! It fucking sucks!
- Comical Overreacting: WHY ARE THEY NO FUCKING CONTINUES IN GAMES?!? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
- Country Matters: Believe it or not, "cunt" is a swear I only use sparingly, such as when I'm trying to use different commands to shoot a duck in Duck Hunt or when I'm dealing with a console that legally could only be released in Europe.
- Cue the Flying Pigs:
- Deadpan Snarker: Wow, I'm like, totally fucking surprised you haven't noticed this already.
- Disco Dan: What? I'm supposed to bring people back to the past.
- Dung Fu: BOMBS AWAY, BUNNY BITCH!!! AND YOU TOO, ECCO!!!
- Ear Worm: ♫ Wǒ ài Běijīng Tiān'ānmén, Tiān'ānmén shang tàiyáng sheng ♫... how do you like THAT soundtrack?! THAT WON'T GET ANNOYING AT ALL!!
- Eating Shoes: Bart's my ass and Krusty's my balls. Fuck this shit - now, I'm going to eat my own shorts.
- Excrement Statement: Since the Atari Jaguar CD looked like a toilet, I took a shit on it. Oh, and Lloyd Kaufman did the same on Toxic Crusaders.
- Eye Beams: This one sucks my left ball, this one sucks my right ball. WELCOME TO DIE!!!
- For Science!: Apparently, it is possible to break a window with a newspaper.
- Goomba Stomp: BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE! IT'S SHOWTIME!! NNNGGH! MMM! AAAAH! I've seen The Exorcist 167 times, it keeps getting funnier EVERY FUCKING TIME!!
- Gratuitous German: DAS SPIEL IST SCHEIßE! DIESES SPIEL FICKT DICH HÄRTER ALS DAS LEBEN!note
- Gratuitous Japanese: ♫ ZYURANGER, ZYURANGER, DENSETSU NO SENSHI-TACHI YO, ZYURANGER! ♫
- Hair-Trigger Temper: SHITTY FUCKING GAMES REALLY FUCKING TRIGGER ME, MAN!
- Hurl It into the Sun: Superman 64 is a bunch of fuck, and it doesn't belong on this planet! I, the Fuckin' Nerd, threw it to where it belongs!
- Impaled with Extreme Prejudice: DIE, MONSTER! YOU DON'T BELONG IN THIS WORLD!
- Inconsistent Spelling: BUT IT WAS SPELLED "STEIN"!! IT WAS SPELLED "BERENSTEIN"!!!
- Kill It with Fire: Winter Games, the Sega 32X, the Amiga CD32 and Beavis And Butthead... BURN, MOTHERFUCKERS, BURN!!!
- Large Ham: You'd scream - and mug, and commit random acts of violence - if you were dealing with those games too!
- Licensed Game: The bane of my existence. Although there are also games based on me, such as The Angry Video Game Nerd Adventures, which I made sure to play
- and har, har, really fucking funny, they tend to be abusingly hard and full of dickish design decisions just like the games I review.
- Malaproper: "Cleared ACT Mission"? What kind of terminology is that? That's like saying "Cleared LEVEL Stage"! This game is dick cock.
- A Molten Date with Death: Greendog for the Genesis got thrown into actual fucking lava.
- Neck Snap: I had to permanently kill Superman 64 this way. It was going to hurt all the good, innocent games.
- Older than You Think: I can't believe Explosive Fighter Patton, an officially released game on a Nintendo console, used the word "Fuck" way before Hong Kong '97!
- Out-of-Character Moment: On rare occasions, a video actually has thoughtful, insightful analyses of games that don't fucking suck. My video on EarthBound is a perfect example. Judging by the comments, it's also one of the most well-received. The same goes with Final Fantasy VI, where I lauded it as the greatest of the great, even earning the "Fuck Me through the Fucking Ceiling!!!" rank on the "Good-Ass Scale".
- Precision F-Strike: Gee, what a shock. It's not like this isn't one of my most common fucking trademarks.
- Punctuated! For! Emphasis!: IT SUCKS! MONKEY! BUTTS! LIKE ALL! THE FUCKIN'! REST!!!
- Sanity Slippage: Admit it, you fucking rat bastards. A lot of you watch my videos because you enjoy seeing me suffer and become increasingly enraged by the endless amount of bullshit I have to deal with in almost every game I play. That's it, isn't it, you walking, talking pieces of roadkill fuckery? MY MENTAL HEALTH IS JUST A TWISTED GAME TO YOU, ISN'T IT, YOU COCKSUCKING SHITBAGS?!?
- Sir Swears-a-Lot: Wow, how fucking shocking. It's not like that's the fucking main fucking thing about my fucking character... ya fuck.
- Suicide by Sunlight: Oh, I'm sick of it all! Morning sun, VANQUISH ME!!!
- A Taste of the Lash:
- I thought the Sega Genesis version of Dark Castle was bad, but the Philips CD-i version FUCKS YOU HARDER THAN LIFE ITSELF! IT'S A CURSE TO THE SOUL, AND IT MUST SUFFER THE TORTURES OF THE DAMNED!!
- Oh, and Sonic the Hedgehog (2006), as well: TAKE IT, YOU FUCKING GAME! YEAH, YOU LIKE THAT!? FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!!
- Testosterone Poisoning: BRUTAL CHEX!!!
- This Is a Drill: If Dick Tracy would've just given me continues, I wouldn't have had to put a power drill through it.
- This Is for Emphasis, Bitch!: LIGHTS OUT, BITCH!!!
- Toilet Humor: I just can't help but think about shit! If not piss or vomit! And thus all those fluids are always out, either verbally or literally.
- [Verb] This!: That Metron thought I demonstrated the advanced restraint of mercy by sparing that shitty Star Trek: 25th Anniversary. MERCY THIS, MOTHERFUCKER!
"Th-th-th-th-th-th-th-that's all, fucks!" (flips off the audience)
