Quotes / The Angry Video Game Nerd

AVGN: This game sucks.

—The first words ever spoken by Nerd

AVGN: Cowabunga... Cow-a-FUCKIN' PIECE OF DOGSHIT! This game is diarrhea coming out of my dick! This game is as appealing as a fuckin' ooze-infested dirty fuckin' sewer rat shit! I've had more fun playing with dog turds! Shredder's my ass and Splinter's my balls, this game is an inside-out asshole regurgitated putrid anal fecal matter! I'd rather fuckin' yank all the hairs out of my scrotum! I'd rather drink diarrhea vomited out of a buffalo's anus! It suckin' fucks, it fuckin' sucks, IT FUCKIN' BLOWS, IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT... and I don't like it.

—One of the legendary Nerd rants from the review of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (NES)

"Now you're playing with power! ...Now you're playing with fuckin' shit! You're better off fuckin' shit than fuckin' with this fucked up shit! Fuck this shit! You don't know shit about how fuckin' shitty this fuckin' shit is. It's so bad, it sucks. It's so fuckin' suck, it fucks! And I... can't take it anymore." (takes a swig of Rolling Rock)

—From his review of the Power Glove NES accessory

AVGN: If you didn't get the knife in level 1, don't even try. That's my words of wisdom: anyone who wants to get far in this game, my rules are: Number one, get the knife. Number two, get the knife. Number three, GET THE KNIFE. You wanna cut steak with a plastic spoon? No. Get the knife. I can't stress it enough. They locked me in an asylum. Get the knife! GET THE KNIFE!

—From his review of Ghosts N' Goblins for the NES

AVGN: Or fuck that. It's going to be fucking great. It's fucking Rocky. There has not been a Rocky movie in 16 years. I am so excited. That I have all 5 Rocky movies playing at house at the same time. This is my projector. It's playing Rocky on my projection screen. And check out my 80's TV, It's playing Rocky II. And check my bedroom TV, It's Rocky III. And on my living room TV, There's Rocky IV. And check my computer, It's playing Rocky V. Now, There's one extra TV there with the Sega Master System. (Grabs the gamepak case) Twice the Mega Power? (Opens the case, Takes out the gamepak and puts it into the Sega Master System).

—From the opening of AVGN's review of Rocky video game for the Sega Master System

AVGN: Let me ask a question: what do you get when you take a movie that's ASS and you make it into a game? You get a piece of shit! Now, if you get a piece of ass, that's a good thing. But, if you get a piece of shit, you don't want that!

—From the Independence Day review

"All right, that's it, I'm done with this game! I'd rather press my face against a hippopotamus's butt while it muck spreads! That's when the hippo takes a shit, rather than allowing the shit to drop from its anus; it presses its tail against its ass crack, waving it back and forth, shredding the shit all over the place! That's as much fun as this game is, like putting a turd in a fan, or a band saw. You just don't do it!"

—The Nerd's remarks about the first Bug's Bunny's Crazy Castle game

AVGN: Look at these titles! Baseball, Basketball, Football, not this "Madden" shit. Just plain-ass, normal, everyday, no question about it, no NFL, no year, not named after a player, not named after a coach, not named after the referee's pet goldfish, no quarterback, dime-back, Nickelback, simple, ordinary, un-embellished, unmistakable, crystal clear, as frank as Frankenstein, as blunt as an atom bomb! One compound word: It's MOTHERFUCKING, GODDAMNED, SONS-OF-BITCHIN', FUCK-FUCK-FUCKIN', FOOTBALL! (slams cartridge into the system so damn hard, that it causes a screen-rumbling explosion) Aaand it's one of the worst games I ever played in my life.

—From the Atari Sports review

AVGN: And you know, I really wanted to give it a chance, because I KINDA LIKED the idea of finding clues, and figuring out where to go, like it made you think like a detective. But, ONE guy?! No continues?! Like, seriously, give me a reason why there's no continues! WHY ARE THERE NO CONTINUES?! (hysterically) WHY ARE THERE NO FUCKIN' CONTINUES?! WHHHYYYYY?!?!

—From the Dick Tracy review

AVGN: WHA- THIS IS FUCKED BEYOND BELIEF! It's like, the controls in this game are like somethin' you'd do for a cheat code! Not a BASIC MOVE that ya have to do, in order to play the game! Why'd they program it in such an ASININE, BALL-BRAINED, COCKAMAMIE, RIDICULOUS FASHION?! It's like JEEZ, there's four buttons right on the front of the controller! BUT THAT'S NOT ENOUGH TO WORK WITH?! Instead they have to like, program it like, all into like, weird kinda crazy button combinations and shit?! It's like, what were they thinking?! It's like Up is jump?! Select for the grappling hook?! Select shouldn't even be part of the game! Select should be like for the menus or somethin'. I mean, jeez, like were they tryin' to just ruin this game, just flat out, just fuck it up?! Well they did! Batman Forever, it sucked back then, and it sucks forever!

—From the Batman Forever review

AVGN: So I get to the goal, and guess what's next? Seriously, I want you to just take a guess what comes after this. More rings. Yeah! What kind of game is this?! Is this some sort of insanity test?! Well, I'm done. I'm sorry, but that's all I can do! This game doesn't even qualify as shit! It's like the equivalent of shit taking a shit! This is unspeakably, shockingly bad. It's sickeningly LOATHSOME! It's a fucking suffering to the mind! It's a bunch of fuck, and it doesn't belong on this planet! Somebody's gotta take care of it; this is a job for the Fuckin' Nerd!

—From the Superman 64 review

AVGN: Oh, my God. (laughs) That Game Over screen... that is... I-I... I thought I'd seen everything! But, th-they, they use a real ph-photo... yo-you go from a cartoony kangaroo.. to a real picture of a kangaroo skeleton in the FUCKING DESERT!

—From the Kang-Fu review

AVGN: Purple for putrid gameplay;
Blue for bad musical abominations;
Green for graphical farts and garlic;
Yellow for piss-poor lack of loyalty to source material;
Orange for orange you a fucking idiot?
And red for high-stress, anger-inducing masochism!
Put that all together, you got all the colors of the Shit Rainbow.
Hooray, LJN.

—From his re-review of Back to the Future Part II & III

He's gonna take you back to the past
To play the shitty games that suck ass
He'd rather have
A buffalo
Take a diarrhea dump in his ear
He'd rather eat
The rotten asshole
Of a roadkilled skunk and down it with beer
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd
He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd
He's the Angry Video Game Nerd

When you turn on your TV
Make sure it's tuned to Channel 3
He's got a nerdy shirt
And a pocket pouch
Although I've never seen him write anything down
He's got a Power Glove
And a filthy mouth
Armed with his Zapper, he will tear these games down
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd
He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd
He's the Angry Video Game Nerd

He plays the worst games of all time
Horrible abominations of mankind
They make him so mad he could spit
Or say Cowabunga... Cowa-fucking piece of dog shit!

They rip you off and don't care one bit
But this Nerd, he doesn't forget it
Why can't a turtle swim?
Why can't I land a plane?
They got a quick buck for this shitload of fuck
The characters' names are wrong
Why is that password so long?
Why don't the weapons do anything?
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
The games suck so bad, he makes up his own words
He's the angriest, most pissed-off gaming nerd
He's the Angry Atari Amiga CD-i ColecoVision Intellivision Sega Neo Geo TurboGrafx-16 Odyssey 3DO Commodore Nintendo... Nerd
He's the Angry... Video Game... Nerd

—The full lyrics to the theme song, as heard on the Sega CD episode

You go way too fast
Fuck these games, they suck ass
You should watch what your singing
Playing this shit's gonna break your neck
So shut, shut your mouth
'Cause diarrhea's coming out
I've had enough, enough of you
Shit should last a life time through
So what do you wanna play?
Got no words of sympathy
When I'm here, these games are through
Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts are so screwed
Na na na na na na na na na na na (Now we're gonna crash)
Na na na na na na na na na na na (Shitty games falling out your ass)

—From The Incredible Crash Test Dummies review

"When I think back to Contra, I'm not just remembering the '80s. I'm remembering that time in the 2000s when I was remembering the '80s. It's a memory that's been photocopied countless times. It's been through many filters and distortions. There's even major holes when I forgot about Contra for a bit. You know what happened to my original cartridge? I sold it. I sold it. Sometime after the N64 came out, I took a handful of my games and I brought them over to the local Funcoland. They offered me 7 bucks for Contra, and I accepted. You know what I did with that 7 bucks? Went over to the deli, and bought a sandwich. To this day, I'll never remember any details of that sandwich. Did it, um, have lettuce? Uh... was it any good? I don't know. Today, if you were to ask me "hey, you remember that sandwich?", I'd say, "I don't know what the fuck you're talkin' about." But Contra... that sticks with me. And even if I had to part with it for a while, sometimes you have to temporarily forget about something, before you fall in love with it again. And when you come back to it... it's the same as it was. Even though everything else has changed. Life has changed. The world has changed. But sealed in that plastic slab, is a time capsule of your youth, fossilized in ROM data on a circuit board. It's read-only memory, the type that doesn't change. As soon as you pop that fucker in your NES, you're back. You're back... to an innocent summer day, with no such thing as Internet. Instead, you and your friends are running around with Nerf guns and Super Soakers, pretending you're the guys from Contra. You're standing on a swing, holding on to its chains, like a ladder of a helicopter. Ya jump off, rolling into the grass, the jungle. If it's not that, you're setting up GI Joe figures in the mud, to stage epic battles. That skill you had, of creating a fantasy land out of nothing, that wild imagination and backyard adventure was fueled by those pixelated military dudes blasting away alien creatures and robots. That's what Contra's all about. And, maybe, you lost touch with those old friends, but when you play that game once more, ya think of them again. And maybe, just maybe, somewhere, in some part of the world... they're remembering it too. Almost as if they're still sitting on the living room floor beside you. And maybe ya had a grandparent, or family member who you lost, and they're still watching ya play. Even as strangers, we can have a shared connection of talking about old games, and... that is nothing to be angry about. That joy in its simplest form comes down to simply asking someone, "hey, remember Contra?" And the answer... is "fuck yeah!"

—Ending speech From Contra How I Remember It review

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY SOLD THIS SHITFEST FOR $199! That's about how much it costs for a video game console, pretty much. You could take $199, stand on a bridge and just throw it all away! You'd rather do anything than spend it on a broken-down, dysfunctional disaster of video game programming! With games that crash, hideous jumping control, random characters, microscopic sprites, a marathon of mediocre space shooters, dying in mid-air, problems with proportion, misleading titles, misleading power-ups, embarrassing weapons, seizure-inducing backgrounds, lack of enemies, games you can't win, games you can't lose, games that make no sense whatsoever, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty menus, and a fuckton of other things! It should have been illegal for them to sell this rotten shitload of putrid fuck for any price! I feel humiliated for living on the same planet as someone who designed an electronic abomination of this magnitude! Couldn't they have tried making one good game... as opposed to fifty-two horrible games?! Quality over Quantity. That's our lesson here."

— From the Action 52 review