Recap / Two and a Half Men

Season 1

(September 22, 2003 – May 24, 2004)

1. "Most Chicks Won't Eat Veal"
2. "Big Flappy Bastards"
3. "Go East On Sunset Until You Reach The Gates Of Hell"
4. "If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going To Take A Nap"
5. "The Last Thing You Want is to Wind Up with a Hump"
6. "Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?"
7. "If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake"
8. "Twenty-Five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snootful"
9. "Phase One, Complete"
10. "Merry Thanksgiving"
11. "Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor"
12. "Camel Filters and Pheromones"
13. "Sarah Like Puny Alan"
14. "I Can't Afford Hyenas"
15. "Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick"
16. "That Was Saliva, Alan"
17. "Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats"
18. "An Old Flame with a New Wick"
19. "I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You"
20. "Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark"
21. "No Sniffing, No Wowing"
22. "My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet"
23. "Just Like Buffalo"
24. "Can You Feel My Finger"

Season 2

(September 20, 2004 – May 23, 2005)

1. "Back Off, Mary Poppins"
2. "Enjoy Those Garlic Balls"
3. "A Bag Full of Jawea"
4. "Go Get Mommy's Bra"
5. "Bad News From The Clinic?"
6. "The Price of Healthy Gums is Eternal Vigilance"
7. "A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana"
8. "Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers"
9. "Yes, Monsignor"
10. "The Salmon Under My Sweater"
11. "Last Chance to See Those Tattoos"
12. "A Lungful Of Alan"
13. "Zejdz z Moich Wlosów (a.k.a. Get Off My Hair)"
14. "Those Big Pink Things with Coconut"
15. "Smell The Umbrella Stand"
16. "Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth?"
17. "Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam!"
18. "It Was 'Mame,' Mom"
19. "A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise"
20. "I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey"
21. "A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On"
22. "That Old Hose Bag is My Mother"
23. "Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab"
24. "Does This Smell Funny to You?"

Season 3

(September 19, 2005 - May 22, 2006)

1. "A Weekend In Bangkok With Two Olympic Gymnasts"
2. "Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover"
3. "Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark"
4. "Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs"
5. "We Called It Mr. Pinky"
6. "Hi, Mr. Horned One"
7. "Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop"
8. "That Voodoo That I Do Do"
9. "Madame and Her Special Friend"
10. "Something Salted and Twisted"
11. "Santa's Village of the Damned"
12. "That Special Tug"
13. "Humiliation is a Visual Medium"
14. "Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded"
15. "My Tongue Is Meat"
16. "Ergo, the Booty Call"
17. "The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer"
18. "The Spit-Covered Cobbler"
19. "Golly Moses, She's a Muffin"
20. "Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro"
21. "And the Plot Moistens"
22. "Just Once with Aunt Sophie"
23. "Arguments for the Quickie"
24. "That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite"

Season 4

(September 18, 2006 - May 14, 2007)

1. "Working for Caligula"
2. "Who's Vod Kanockers?"
3. "The Sea is a Harsh Mistress"
4. "A Pot Smoking Money"
5. "A Live Woman of Proven Fertility"
6. "Apologies For The Frivolity"
7. "Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head"
8. "Release the Dogs"
9. "Corey's Been Dead for an Hour"
10. "Kissing Abe Lincoln"
11. "Walnuts and Demerol"
12. "Castrating Sheep in Montana"
13. "Don't Worry, Speed Racer"
14. "That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami"
15. "My Damn Stalker"
16. "Young People Have Phlegm, Too"
17. "I Merely Slept with a Commie"
18. "It Never Rains in Hooterville"
19. "Smooth as a Ken Doll"
20. "Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot"
21. "Tucked, Taped, and Gorgeous"
22. "Mr. McGlue's Feedbag"
23. "Anteaters. They're Just Crazy Lookin'"
24. "Prostitutes and Gelato"

Season 5

(September 24, 2007 - May 19, 2008)

1. "Large Birds, Spiders, and Mom"
2. "Media Room Slash Dungeon"
3. "Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo"
4. "City of Great Racks"
5. "Putting Swim Fins on a Cat"
6. "Help Daddy Find His Toenail"
7. "Our Leather Gear Is In The Guest Room"
8. "Is There a Mrs. Waffles?"
9. "Tight's Good"
10. "Kinda Like Necrophilia"
11. "Meander to Your Dander'
12. "A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh"
13. "The Soil is Moist"
14. "Winky-Dink Time"
15. "Rough Night in Hump Junction"
16. "Look at Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty"
17. "Fish in a Drawer"
18. "If My Hole Could Talk"
19. "Waiting for the Right Snapper"

Season 6

(September 22, 2008 - May 18, 2009)

1. "Taterhead is Our Love Child"
2. "Pie Hole, Herb"
3. "Damn You, Eggs Benedict'
4. "The Flavin' and the Mavin'"
5. "A Jock Strap In Hell"
6. "It's Always Nazi Week"
7. "Best H.O. Money Can Buy"
8. "Pinocchio's Mouth"
9. "The Mooch at the Boo"
10. "He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited"
11. "The Devil's Lube"
12. "Thank God for Scoliosis"
13. "I Think You Offended Don"
14. "David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie"
15. "I'd Like to Start with the Cat"
16. "She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime"
17. "The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'?"
18. "My Son's Enormous Head"
19. "The Two Finger Rule"
20. "Hello, I am Alan Cousteau"
21. "Above Exalted Cyclops"
22. "Sir Lancelot's Litter Box"
23. "Good Morning, Mrs. Buttersworth"
24. "Baseball Was Better with Steroids"

Season 7

(September 21, 2009 - May 24, 2010)

1. "818-jklpuzo"
2. "Whipped Unto the Third Generation"
3. "Mmm, Fish. Yum."
4. "Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator"
5. "For the Sake of the Child"
6. "Give Me Your Thumb"
7. "Untainted by Filth"
8. "Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle."
9. "Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair"
10. "That's Why They Call It Ballroom"
11. "Warning, It's Dirty"
12. "Fart Jokes, Pie, and Celeste"
13. "Yay, No Polyps!"
14. "Crude and Uncalled For"
15. "Aye, Aye, Captain Douche"
16. "Tinkle Like a Princess"
17. "I Found Your Mustache"
18. "Ixnay on the Oggie Day"
19. "Keith Moon is Vomiting in His Grave"
20. "I Called Him Magoo"
21. "Gumby with a Pokey"
22. "This Is Not Gonna End Well"

Season 8

(September 20, 2010 - February 14, 2011)

1. "Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud"
2. "A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer"
3. "A Pudding-Filled Cactus"
4. "Hookers, Hookers, Hookers"
5. "The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel"
6. "Twanging Your Magic Clanger"
7. "The Crazy Bitch Gazette"
8. "Springtime on a Stick"
9. "A Good Time in Central Africa"
10. "Ow, Ow, Don't Stop"
11. "Dead from the Waist Down"
12. "Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead"
13. "Skunk, Dog Crap, and Ketchup"
14. "Lookin' for Japanese Subs"
15. "Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak"
16. "That Darn Priest"

Season 9

(September 19, 2011 - May 14, 2012)

1. "Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt"
2. "People Who Love Peepholes"
3. "Big Girls Don't Throw Food"
4. "Nine Magic Fingers"
5. "A Giant Cat Holding a Churro"
6. "The Squat and the Hover"
7. "Those Fancy Japanese Toilets"
8. "Thank You for the Intercourse"
9. "Frodo's Headshots"
10. "A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes"
11. "What a Lovely Landing Strip"
12. "One False Move, Zimbabwe!"
13. "Slowly and in a Circular Fashion"
14. "A Possum on Chemo"
15. "The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack"
16. "Sips, Sonnets, and Sodomy"
17. "Not in My Mouth!"
18. "The War Against Gingivitis"
19. "Palmdale, Ech"
20. "Grandma's Pie"
21. "Mr. Hose Says 'Yes'"
22. "Why We Gave Up Women"
23. "The Straw in My Donut Hole"
24. "Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!"

Season 10

(September 27, 2012 - May 9, 2013)

1. "I Changed My Mind About the Milk"
2. "A Big Bag of Dog"
3. "Four Balls, Two Bats, and One Mitt"
4. "You Do Know What the Lollipop's For"
5. "That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam"
6. "Ferrets, Attack!"
7. "Avoid the Chinese Mustard"
8. "Something my Gynecologist Said"
9. "I Scream When I Pee"
10. "One Nut Johnson"
11. "Give Santa a Tail-Hole"
12. "Welcome to Alancrest"
13. "Grab a Feather and Get in Line"
14. "Run, Steven Staven! Run!"
15. "Paint It, Pierce It, or Plug It"
16. "Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby"
17. "Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries"
18. "The 9:04 from Pemberton"
19. "Big Episode. Someone Stole a Spoon"
20. "Bazinga! That's from a TV Show"
21. "Another Night with Neil Diamond"
22. "My Bodacious Vidalia"
23. "Cows, Prepare to be Tipped"

Season 11

(September 26, 2013 - May 8, 2014)

1. "Nangnangnangnang"
2. "I Think I Banged Lucille Ball"
3. "This Unblessed Biscuit"
4. "Clink, Clank, Drunken Skank"
5. "Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003"
6. "Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants"
7. "Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie"
8. "Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room."
9. "Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer"
10. "On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer!"
11. "Tazed in the Lady Nuts"
12. "Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball."
13. "Bite Me, Supreme Court"
14. "Three Fingers of Créme de Menthe"
15. "Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin"
16. "How to Get Rid of Alan Harper"
17. "Welcome Home, Jake"
18. "West Side Story"
19. "Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang"
20. "Lotta Delis in Little Armenia"
21. "Dial 1-900-MIX-A-LOT"
22. "Oh WALD-E, Good Times Ahead"

Season 12

(October 30, 2014 - February 19, 2015)

1. "The Ol' Mexican Spinach"
2. "A Chic Bar in Ibiza"
3. "Glamping in a Yurt"
4. "Thiry-Eight, Sixty-Two, Third-Eight"
5. "Oontz. Oontz. Oontz."
6. "Alan Shot a Little Girl"
7. "Sex with an Animated Ed Asner"
8. "Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey"
9. "Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy Lyndsey"
10. "Here I Come, Pants!"
11. "For Whom the Booty Calls"
12. "A Beer-Battered Rip-off"
13. "Boompa Loved His Hookers"
14. "Don't Give a Monkey a Gun"
15. "Of Course He's Dead"