Quotes / Long List

They've got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters,
trash compactors, juice extractors, shower rods and water meters,
walkie-talkies, copper wires, safety goggles, radial tires,
BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers,
picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters,
paint removers, window louvres, masking tape and plastic gutters,
kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables,
hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles,
pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication,
metal roofing, waterproofing, multi-purpose insulation,
air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors,
tire gauges, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors,
trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers,
tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers,
Soffit panels, circuit breakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers,
calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers...

— "Weird Al" Yankovic, "Hardware Store"

"Dear IRS, I'm sorry to inform you that I'm not going to be able to pay the taxes owed on April 15th, but all is not lost. I paid these taxes, accounts receivable tax, building permit tax, CDL tax, corporate income tax, dog license tax, federal income tax, unemployment tax, gas tax, hunting license tax, fishing license tax, waterfowl stamp tax, inheritance tax, inventory tax, liquor tax, luxury tax, Medicare tax, city tax, school and county property tax up to 33% the last four years. Real estate tax, Social Security tax, road use tax, toll road tax, state and city sales tax, recreational vehicle tax, sales franchise tax, state unemployment tax, federal excise tax, telephone tax, telephone federal state and local surcharge tax, telephone minimum usage surcharge tax, telephone state and local tax, utility tax, vehicle tax, registration tax, capital gains tax, lease severance tax, oil and gas assessment tax, Colorado property tax, Texas, Colorado, Wyoming, Oklahoma, Mexico sales tax and many more I can't recall and I've run out of space and money. When you do not receive my check April 15th, just know that it was an honest mistake. Please treat me the same as the way you've treated Congressman Charlie Rangel, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank, ex-congressman Tom Daschle and, of course, your boss, Timothy Geithner. No penalties, no interest. PS, I'll make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus check."

— Some guy that had his letter read by Glenn Beck

"Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golighty, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy..."

— John Bennett, Ted 2

"'Sure, you can come with us to tell the king', said Piggy Wiggy. And so Chicken Licken, Cocky Locky, Ducky Wucky, Piggy Wiggy, Sheepy Creepy, Lamby Wamby, Puppy Wuppy, Goosey Poosey, Horsey Worsey, Weasel Geasel, Turkey Lurkey, Hawky Tawky, Foxy Woxy, Eggy Leggy, Wooly Bully, Catty Fatty, Beaver Cleaver, Wormy Squirmy, Hoggy Woggy, Rooster Shooster, Fishy Wishy, Apey Wapey, Toady Woady, Mallard Ballard, Hippo Zippo, Mousey Wousey, and Chicky Wicky all went to see the king."

— Wade Duck, Garfield and Friends, "Badtime Story"

Nala: Simba, we really do need you at home, though. Scar has taken over and the hyenas are eating everything! There is no food, no water, no color, no grass, no living trees, no flamingos, no blue sky, no spirit, no laughter, no hippos, no elephants, no zebra, no giraffe, no leopards, no music, no alligators, no gazelle, no snakes, no crocodile hunter, no beavers, no penguins, no polar bears, no African killer bees, no malaria, no scorpions, no crawling ants to the leaping antelope, no—-
Simba: Damn girl! I get the friggin' picture!

— Lion King Spoof

A man, a plan, a canoe, pasta, heros, rajahs, a coloratura, maps, snipe, percale, macaroni, a gag, a banana bag, a tan, a tag, a banana bag again (or a camel), a crepe, pins, Spam, a rut, a Rolo, cash, a jar, sore hats, a peon, a canal – Panama!

— Guy Steele

We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get into locked a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge, and I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon.

— Raoul Duke in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

From his girdle hung a row of seastones which jangled at every movement of his portentous frame and on these were graven with rude yet striking art the tribal images of many Irish heroes and heroines of antiquity, Cuchulin, Conn of hundred battles, Niall of nine hostages, Brian of Kincora, the ardri Malachi, Art MacMurragh, Shane O’Neill, Father John Murphy, Owen Roe, Patrick Sarsfield, Red Hugh O’Donnell, Red Jim MacDermott, Soggarth Eoghan O’Growney, Michael Dwyer, Francy Higgins, Henry Joy M’Cracken, Goliath, Horace Wheatley, Thomas Conneff, Peg Woffington, the Village Blacksmith, Captain Moonlight, Captain Boycott, Dante Alighieri, Christopher Columbus, S. Fursa, S. Brendan, Marshal MacMahon, Charlemagne, Theobald Wolfe Tone, the Mother of the Maccabees, The Last of the Mohicans, the Rose of Castile, the Man for Galway, The Man that Broke the Bank at Monte Carlo, The Man in the Gap, The Woman Who Didn’t, Benjamin Franklin, Napoléon Bonaparte, John L. Sullivan, Cleopatra, Savourneen Deelish, Julius Caesar, Paracelsus, sir Thomas Lipton, William Tell, Michelangelo Hayes, Muhammad, the Bride of Lammermoor, Peter the Hermit, Peter the Packer, Dark Rosaleen, Patrick W. Shakespeare, Brian Confucius, Murtagh Gutenberg, Patricio Velasquez, Captain Nemo, Tristan and Isolde, the first Prince of Wales, Thomas Cook and Son, the Bold Soldier Boy, Arrah na Pogue, Dick Turpin, Ludwig Beethoven, the Colleen Bawn, Waddler Healy, Angus the Culdee, Dolly Mount, Sidney Parade, Ben Howth, Valentine Greatrakes, Adam and Eve, Arthur Wellesley, Boss Croker, Herodotus, Jack the Giantkiller, Gautama Buddha, Lady Godiva, The Lily of Killarney, Balor of the Evil Eye, the Queen of Sheba, Acky Nagle, Joe Nagle, Alessandro Volta, Jeremiah O’Donovan Rossa, Don Philip O’Sullivan Beare.

—Ulysses

What in water did Bloom, waterlover, drawer of water, watercarrier, returning to the range, admire?

Its universality: its democratic equality and constancy to its nature in seeking its own level: its vastness in the ocean of Mercator's projection: its unplumbed profundity in the Sundam trench of the Pacific exceeding 8000 fathoms: the restlessness of its waves and surface particles visiting in turn all points of its seaboard: the independence of its units: the variability of states of sea: its hydrostatic quiescence in calm: its hydrokinetic turgidity in neap and spring tides: its subsidence after devastation: its sterility in the circumpolar icecaps, arctic and antarctic: its climatic and commercial significance: its preponderance of 3 to 1 over the dry land of the globe: its indisputable hegemony extending in square leagues over all the region below the subequatorial tropic of Capricorn: the multisecular stability of its primeval basin: its luteofulvous bed: its capacity to dissolve and hold in solution all soluble substances including millions of tons of the most precious metals: its slow erosions of peninsulas and islands, its persistent formation of homothetic islands, peninsulas and downwardtending promontories: its alluvial deposits: its weight and volume and density: its imperturbability in lagoons and highland tarns: its gradation of colours in the torrid and temperate and frigid zones: its vehicular ramifications in continental lakecontained streams and confluent oceanflowing rivers with their tributaries and transoceanic currents, gulfstream, north and south equatorial courses: its violence in seaquakes, waterspouts, Artesian wells, eruptions, torrents, eddies, freshets, spates, groundswells, watersheds, waterpartings, geysers, cataracts, whirlpools, maelstroms, inundations, deluges, cloudbursts: its vast circumterrestrial ahorizontal curve: its secrecy in springs and latent humidity, revealed by rhabdomantic or hygrometric instruments and exemplified by the well by the hole in the wall at Ashtown gate, saturation of air, distillation of dew: the simplicity of its composition, two constituent parts of hydrogen with one constituent part of oxygen: its healing virtues: its buoyancy in the waters of the Dead Sea: its persevering penetrativeness in runnels, gullies, inadequate dams, leaks on shipboard: its properties for cleansing, quenching thirst and fire, nourishing vegetation: its infallibility as paradigm and paragon: its metamorphoses as vapour, mist, cloud, rain, sleet, snow, hail: its strength in rigid hydrants: its variety of forms in loughs and bays and gulfs and bights and guts and lagoons and atolls and archipelagos and sounds and fjords and minches and tidal estuaries and arms of sea: its solidity in glaciers, icebergs, icefloes: its docility in working hydraulic millwheels, turbines, dynamos, electric power stations, bleachworks, tanneries, scutchmills: its utility in canals, rivers, if navigable, floating and graving docks: its potentiality derivable from harnessed tides or watercourses falling from level to level: its submarine fauna and flora (anacoustic, photophobe), numerically, if not literally, the inhabitants of the globe: its ubiquity as constituting 90 percent of the human body: the noxiousness of its effluvia in lacustrine marshes, pestilential fens, faded flowerwater, stagnant pools in the waning moon.

— Ulysses

Dr. Cox: Jordan, here's some things I'd rather see happen than Dinkus over there becoming the godfather. A nuclear war. A sequel to Hope Floats. Hugh Jackman winning an Oscar —
Dr. Kelso: Yeah, yeah. Funny, long list. We get it. You need a new thing, big guy.
Dr. Cox: Huh.

— Scrubs

King Harkinian: After you've scrubbed all the floors in Hyrule, then after you've scrubbed all the floors in Gamelon, then after you've scrubbed all of me, then after you've rubbed oil on my penis, then you can rub my dick, then you can eat shit, then you can take mah boi to dinner.
Link: Great!
King Harkinian: Then after you strive for this peace, then you can send Link for pizza, then you can save me four pieces of pizza, then you can protect Zelda's boobies.
Zelda: But Father, what if-
King Harkinian: Then, after you eluryH ni sroolf eht lla debburcs ev'uoy retfa, then you can help me pee in the morning, then after you go on a diet, then you can... then you can... Hmm. Help?
Link: Eat an Octorok cock!
King Harkinian: Then you can...
Zelda: Go fuck yourself!
King Harkinian: Then you can...
Link: Do the duckwalk!
King Harkinian: Then you can...
Gwonam: Beat off and come onto Ganon's beautiful face!
[Beat]
[Beat]
[Beat]
[Beat]
King Harkinian: Then after you've pleased all the plumbers in the Mushroom Kingdom, then we can talk about mercy. Take him away!

— Youtube Poop - Zelda: The King's Unreasonable Demands

"I could go on and on about his cock, his bone, his knob, his bishop, wang, thang, rod, hot rod, hump mobile, oscar, dong, dagger, banana, cucumber, salami, sausage, kielbassa, schlong, dink, tool, big ben, Mr. Happy, Peter Pecker, pee-pee, wee-wee, wiener, pisser, pistol, piston joint, hose, horn, middle leg, third leg, meat, stick, joystick, dipstick, one-eyed wonder, junior, little head, little guy, rumple foreskin, tootsie roll, love muscle, skin flute, roto-rooter, snake, hammer, rammer, spammer, bazooka, rubber, chubby, sticky, stubby, schmeck, schmuck, schvantze, ying-yang, yang... How can I stop talking about something that's so HUGE?"

— Angela, Four Rooms

"I know everything that happens on this ship. I know that Bekks Yojagh and Moq are having sexual relations in secret. I know that three of the squad leaders in First and Second Company are no longer using the names they were born with. I know that Ensign Kallo would rather be a painter than an officer, but that she is dreadfully bad at painting. I know that Leader Ryjjan has borrowed storage in the cargo bay from two officers in order to store barrels of bloodwine. I know that Commander Kurak has a nephew who will enter Defense Force officer training in less than a year, at which point she will resign her commission. I know that Leader Hovoq is impotent. I know that Lieutenant Yaklan writes fiction under an assumed name. I know that Leader Wol accidentally killed her own son at San-Tarah. I know that Bekk J'nfod cheats when he plays grinnak. I know that most of the neckbones that Lieutenant Leskit wears were not taken in battle as he claims. I know that Leader Zurlkint has a fondness for a Terran fruit called sutawberIs and he had a box of them smuggled in when we left Ty'Gokor. I know that Leader Kylag has two different mates on two different planets in the empire. I know that you received those recordings of Battlecruiser Vengeance you're so fond of in exchange for a set of coins that, should your father ever find out you traded them, he would kill you."

— Lokor, Star Trek: Klingon Empire

Tim Finn: "You should be able to guess. It's one of our old songs. One we never recorded"
Chunn embarks on a deep thought process: "Wise Men"?
"No"
"Buffs?
"No"
"Prophecy?"
"No"
"Fascination?"
"No"
"Lawdy?"
"No"
"Nightmare Stampede?"
"No"
"Hermine?"
"No"
"Blankets?"
"No"
"Eugene?"
"No"
"City Of Dreams?"
"No"
"There's A Way?"
"No"
"I don't know Timmy boy; what is it?"
"True Colours."

— Mike Chunn trying to guess the name of Split Enz's fifth album, Stranger Than Fiction: The Life And Times Of Split Enz

Annika-709 entered holding an electronic clipboard. "Doctor Zarkendorf, I have completed my review of your security measures. They are inefficient. Your guards wear tinted visors and 'one-size-fits-all' outfits, enabling them to be easily impersonated by an infiltrator in a stolen uniform. Their helmets have no peripheral vision and interfere with the aiming of firearms. You continue to use officers of proven stupidity in order to boost your already inflated ego. Your slave girls are emotionally frivolous and likely to be swayed in their loyalties by a handsome adversary. Passageways are poorly lit and have numerous crannies for cover and concealment. The ventilation ducts are wide enough for Jabba the Hut to crawl through. Your intruder detection system is tripped by laser beams that can be seen by the naked eye and evaded by a sensual contortionist in a skintight leotard. I have located one hundred and forty-seven concealed access tunnels you seem unaware of. Your computers use easily-guessed passwords and an operating system that is mysteriously compatible with that of every hacker on the planet. The self-destruct system is activated by a highly-visible red button. And what possible reason could you have for a self-destruct system in the first place?"

— Plan 7 of 9 from Outer Space

Expect ranting leaders, annoyed mutants, sarcastic imperialists, bored armies, soda worship, sassy seadwellers, loads of backstabbing everybodies, conflicted revolutions, pissed-off psionic slaves, ancestors out the wazoo, douche highbloods, douche lowbloods, exploration of troll morality, dysfunctional relationships in all of the quadrants, adult romantic drama, horrorterrors, desperate suicidal sacrifices, death and those who laugh at it, fallen ideals, fallen armies, fallen planets, collapsing universes and collapsing empires, mysterious links to different timelines, blatant authorial self-inserts, a game of pool a paradox space away, subverted consciousnesses, and ultimately the death of six hundred and twelve trillion fantrolls living in a doomed existence.

— Blurb of Homestuck fanfiction Upon My Heart You Wrote A Scar

"I don't want to grumble, but next year there is to be no swearing, no graffiti, no body decorations, permanent or temporary, no eating in class, no leaving the school grounds at recess or lunchtime, no throwing items at passing cars, no harassing visitors to the school, no interfering with the duties of Australia Post - THAT BOY, stop that at once - no hanging around the perimeter of Our Lady's Catholic College, no form of warfare with the students from Hilltop Grammar, except during properly organised debates, no personal or irresponsible use of the school fax or email address - Who's sniveling down there in the front row? - No smoking, no chewing gum, no deviant behaviour behind the dumpmaster, no running in the corridors and no shaved heads."

— Mrs. Pitts, in Messing Around, by Rachel Flynn

Barton Keyes: "You know, you, uh, oughta take a look at the statistics on suicide some time. You might learn a little something about the insurance business."
Edward S. Norton: "Mister Keyes, I was RAISED in the insurance business."
Barton Keyes: "Yeah, in the front office. Come now, you've never read an actuarial table in your life, have you? Why they've got ten volumes on suicide alone. Suicide by race, by color, by occupation, by sex, by seasons of the year, by time of day. Suicide, how committed: by poison, by firearms, by drowning, by leaps. Suicide by poison, subdivided by *types* of poison, such as corrosive, irritant, systemic, gaseous, narcotic, alkaloid, protein, and so forth; suicide by leaps, subdivided by leaps from high places, under the wheels of trains, under the wheels of trucks, under the feet of horses, from *steamboats*. But, Mr. Norton, of all the cases on record, there's not one single case of suicide by leap from the rear end of a moving train. And you know how fast that train was going at the point where the body was found? Fifteen miles an hour. Now how can anybody jump off a slow-moving train like that with any kind of expectation that he would kill himself? No. No soap, Mr. Norton. We're sunk, and we'll have to pay through the nose, and you know it."

— Double Indemnity

When they aren't getting kidnapped, being beaten, being chased, getting knocked unconscious, recovering from a concussion, exploring damp places, being shot at, foiling a Soviet invasion, finding buried treasure, solving a murder, rescuing kittens, kissing up to their father, or (occasionally) saving his life, they are busy hanging out with their "chums"...

— Uncyclopedia describing The Hardy Boys

And at that point Ichigo hit the giant firebird with his big sword, Captain Kyouraku and Captain Ukitake did something dramatic to the firebird with the device they were carrying that had MADE BY SHIHOUIN trademarks all over it, Yoruichi snatched Urahara off the scaffold before it blew up, Captain Kuchiki threw himself in front of Rukia before Aizen could reach her, and a number of other shinigami hit Aizen very very hard indeed.

— Order in the Court, a PhoenixWright / Bleach crossover fic

The voices in their heads tell Shapeshifting Bear Jesus and his bear friends that they have to destroy the oil industry, so they set out to do it.
However, they’ll have to deal with drive-by shootings, fly-by shootings, boat-by shootings, helicopter crashes, cars exploding when they veer off the road, the Occupy movement, volcanos, gun-crazy Canadians, zoos, Yogi Bear, Republicans, sharks, hibernation, public nudity being considered indecent, global warming, brain swapping, kidnappers, brain swapping, Yakone, Unalaq, celebrities covered in oil, rules against kidnapping, an old dude that can morph into a raven, a bear that’s convinced that a mountain is talking to him, drunk hunters, seals poisoning themselves, voodoo, ghost bears, avalanches, terrorists taking over a ski hill, scientific progress, the metaphysical implications of car crashes, and the logging industry.

— Lightflame's brief summary of the Seekers series

"#1: Arm Drag. #2: Arm Bar. #3: The Moss Covered, Three Handled Family Credenza. #4: Arm Bar. #5: The Saskatchewan Spinning Nerve Hold..."

— Chris Jericho's infamous List of 1004 Holds^note ("Armbar" and its derivatives appear approximately 143 times)

Beth: You would rather believe I'm evil than admit that you were a bad father?

Rick: Oh, dude, no. Bad father all the way to the max over here. I'm a fuckin' nutcase - and the acorn plopped straight down, baby! Look at some of the shit you were asking me to make you as a kid: ray guns, a whip that forces people to like you, invisibility cuffs, a parent trap, a lightning gun, a teddy bear with anatomically-correct innards, night vision googly-eyed glasses, sound-erasing sneakers, false fingerprints, fall-asleep darts, a lie-detecting doll, an indestructible baseball bat, a taser shaped like a ladybug, a fake police badge, location-tracking stickers, rainbow-colored duct tape, mind-control hair clips, poison gum, a pink sentient switchblade!

Pink Sentient Switchblade: Hi, Beth! You've gotten taller. Shall we resume stabbing?

—Rick and Morty, "The ABCs Of Beth"

Salvatore wandered through the world, begging, pilfering, pretending to be ill, entering the temporary service of some lord, then again taking to the forest or the high road. From the story he told me, I picture him among those bands of vagrants that, in the years that followed, I saw more and more often roaming about Europe: false monks, charlatans, cripples, jugglers, invalid mercenaries, wandering Jews escaped from the infidels with their spirit broken, lunatics, fugitives under banishment, malefactors with an ear cut off, sodomites, and among with them ambulant artisans, weavers, tinkers, chair-menders, knife-grinders, basket-weavers, masons, and also rogues of every stripe, forgers, scoundrels, card-sharps, rascals, bullies, reprobates, recreants, frauds, hooligans, simoniacal and embezzling canons and priests, people who lived on the credulity of others, counterfeiters of bulls and papal seals, peddlers of indulgences, false paralytics who lay at church doors, vagrants fleeing from convents, relic-sellers, soothsayers and fortunetellers, necromancers, healers, bogus alms-seekers, fornicators of every sort, corruptors of nuns and maidens by deception and violence, simulators of dropsy, epilepsy, hemorrhoids, gout and sores, as well as melancholy madness.

There were those who put plasters on their bodies to imitate incurable ulcerations, others who filled their mouths with a blood-colored substance to feign accesses of consumption, rascals who pretended to be weak in one of their limbs, carrying unnecessary crutches and imitating the falling sickness, scabies, buboes, swellings, while applying bandages, tincture of saffron, carrying irons on their hands, their heads swathed, slipping into the churches stinking, and suddenly fainting in the squares, spitting saliva ad popping their eyes, making the nostrils spurt blood concocted of blackberry juice and vermilion, to wrest food or money from the frightened people who recalled the church fathers' exhortations to give alms: Share your bread with the hungry, take the homeless to your hearth, we visit Christ, we house Christ, we clothe Christ, because as water purges fire, so charity purges our sins.

—The Name of the Rose

Stockton thought of the others, the ones who had passed through or ended up. The ones who weren't headliners. The Amazon Manfish, broken out of a research institute in '56, gulping air through gills unequipped to process anything but warm water, shocked dead or comatose by a plunge through ice into Williamson's Kill. The madman's brain, disembodied in its jar, bubbling and flashing party lights as its mentacles kept the hump-backed surgeon in thrall, using his rheumy eyes to see and his warty hands to throttle. The roadhouse singer who exactly resembled a great-grandmother whose picture lay forgotten in the Herald archives, and whose bell-clear high notes stayed in the minds of men who found themselves aging overnight. The long-nailed Chinaman with his platoon of silent servants, hatchets inside their sleeves, and his hothouse menagerie of exotic and deadly fauna. The slithering stretch of rancid greenery which sometimes took the form of a man of muck and root and opened huge, lucid eyes in its face of filth. The quiet, violet-eyed Christian family who spoke in even monotones and kept to themselves until someone noticed that if you told one of the children something then its parents - all the way across town - suddenly knew it too. The travelling freak show and its too-tall, too-clever ringmaster. The lights in the sky and mysterious livestock fatalities. The experiments gone wrong in neglected houses outside the town limits. The grey-faced motorcycle gang whose fingers clicked to a rockin' beat as they tore apart the succession of ugly fast-food outlets thrown up on the site of the diner where they were ambushed and apparently wiped out in 1965, whose arrival was always prefaced by teenage death songs of the '60s coming unbidden from every radio and jukebox in town. The gentle murderer whose skull was swollen with acromegaly and whose heart pulsed only for the beautiful blind piano virtuoso whose short-tempered teachers tended to show up with their spines snapped. The extreme aesthete who could only paint masterworks if his subjects were beautiful and bloodless. The sheeted ghosts who were really scheming heirs or vice versa. The neon-eyed swami who was always in plain view of a dozen witnesses, performing his mind-reading act, as the professors who once profaned a temple in a far-off land were struck down one by one with distinctive wavy daggers in their chest. The clever ape.

—The Chill Clutch Of The Unseen, by Kim Newman

Scrooge: Your new job is with my sworn enemy?!
Donald: I can't keep track of all your sworn enemies!

— DuckTales (2017), Woo-oo!

"I wrote my thesis on Piranha Plants! There are just so many species! You got your basic Piranha Plants, your Fire Piranha Plants, Ptooies, Nipper Plants, Nipper Spores, Munchers, Jumping Piranhas, Wild Ptooie Piranhas, Propeller Piranhas, Naval Piranhas, Chewies, Megasmilax, Piranha Pests, Piranha Sprouts, Frost Piranhas, Putrid Piranhas, Proto Piranhas, Piranhabons, Piranha Beans, Mom Piranhas, Small Piranhas, Elasto-Piranhas, Piranha Planets, Bungee Piranhas, Big Bungee Piranhas, Ghosts, Nipper Dandelions, Spiny Piranhas, Dino Piranhas, Fire Stalking Piranhas, Piranha Plorps, River Piranhas, Big Piranhas, Stalking Piranhas, Big Fire Piranhas, Prickly Piranhas, Peewee Piranhas, Inky Piranhas, Gold Piranhas, Bone Piranhas, Big Bone Piranhas, Piranha Pods, Piranha Creepers, Nipper Spore Patches, Paper Fire Piranhas, Poison Piranhas, Big Poison Piranhas, Upside-Down Piranhas, Petey Piranha, Paper Petey Piranha, Petea Piranha-"

— Viridi, Super Smash Bros. Ultimate

'The headcount has come up 300 short. Even accounting for administrative incompetence, desertions, routine disappearances, bear attacks, stray German bombs, communist raids, executions, poxes, frostbite, trips, falls, suicides, bonfire accidents, loot disputes, the common cold, black plague, flu, food poisoning, alcohol poisoning, regular poisoning, irregular poisoning, assassination, STDs, heat stroke, hypothermia, rockslides, science experiments gone wrong, science experiments gone to plan, kidnapping, dog attacks, rabies, aggressive reindeer, raid casualties, gambling arguments, race wars, building collapses, spontaneous combustion, vehicle collisions, shooting competition misfires, target practice, infected wounds, the occasional killing on accident, the much more common killing for fun, stabbings, shootings, Prussian cavalry sabre rampages, crate crushings, lynchings, brain aneurysms, slave revolts, duels, and the general inability for most bandits in the brigade to count past the number of years they’ve lived, this statistic is still far out of the ordinary.'

— An event description for Dirlewanger Brigade, The New Order Last Days Of Europe

The Hub of Pain was the piece de resistance: a huge, dome-shaped room with a viewing gallery circling the the ceiling. The walls were lined with every conceivable kind of cutting and bludgeoning weapon, and every instrument of torture ever invented by the extremely inventive human mind: maces, pikes, swords and sabres, switch-blades, daggers and laser-cutting tools; chainsaws, buzz-saws, tenon-saws and hacksaws; dentist drills, scalpels, and a whole range of glistening metal apparatus designed for gynaecological surgery; mallets, sledge hammers, claw hammers and jack hammers; racks, iron maidens, gonad electrocution kits; testicle handcuffs, jockstraps lined with razor blades, acid-filled enema bags and easy-listenin' music... you name it, if it caused pained, if humans feared it, it was there.

—Red Dwarf: Backwards

OUTSTANDING! You have completed the Commander's Challenge and earned a much-deserved promotion to CEO of FUTURETECH CORP., together with all the wealth, privileges, private jets, newfangled gadgets, adoring fans, fabulous attire, fame, luxury automobiles, beachside property, tax breaks, backstage concert passes, season box-seat sporting event tickets, attractive personal assistants, peace of mind, and occasional work-related responsibilities implied forthwith.

—Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3: Uprising

She took out in turn two large clean handkerchiefs, a pair of horn-rimmed glasses, a bottle of aspirin, a packet of Glauber’s Salts, a celluloid tube of bright green peppermints, a bunch of keys, a pair of scissors, a book of American Express cheques, a snapshot of an extraordinarily plain-looking child, some letters, five strings of pseudo-Oriental beads, and a small metal object— a button.

—Contents of Mrs. Hubbard's bag, Murder on the Orient Express

On other shelves had been two frozen Yorkshire terriers, a frozen poodle, one anaconda, a dead Eskimo in furred parka (Long story behind that one, Midnite had said), the glassy-eyed head of a zebra, what looked like an earthworm as big as a python, an entire barracuda, a six-foot-long squid, a small bear replete with fur, a number of beetles and disgustingly large spiders in plastic sandwich bags, six roosters in full feather, the hearts of various unknown beasts, six kinds of brains, several cocoons (including one that seemed to contain a human shape), a trilobite, and a coelacanth. Also hundreds of chickens, hams, sausages, and turkeys, some frozen pizzas, Jamaican spiced beef, and seven gallons of Breyers ice cream.

—Constantine: The Novelization

"Ah, smoking is not good for you, and it's been deemed that anything not good for you is bad; hence, illegal. Alcohol, caffeine, contact sports, meat, bad language, chocolate, gasoline, uneducational toys and anything spicy. Abortion is also illegal, but then again so is pregnancy if you don't have a licence."

—Lenina Huxley, Demolition Man

"I am sorbitol, maltitol, xylitol, mannitol, calcium, carbonite, soy lecithin, vegetable, triglyceride and talc, but, for expediency's sake. You can call me... Gum."

—Gum, Sausage Party

Daffy: If there's anything wrong with me, you owe it to me as my best friend to tell me!

Bugs: Okay. [enters elevator] You're a narcissist...you're a sociopath...you're probably a psychopath... you're a-

Bugs: [exits elevator on bottom floor with Daffy] ...you're paranoid, sexist, and you make fun of the elderly.

Daffy: Those are just quirks!

— The Looney Tunes Show

Ramona Flowers: What kind of tea do you want?
Scott Pilgrim: There's more than one kind?
Ramona: We have blueberry, raspberry, ginseng, sleepy time, green tea, green tea with lemon, green tea with lemon and honey, liver disaster, ginger with honey, ginger without honey, vanilla almond, white truffel, blueberry chamomile, vanilla walnut, constant comment and... earl grey.

—Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

"Okay, the suspect is charged with the following: in New York, New York, selling without a license, false advertising, contravention of FDA standards and violation of state sales tax laws; in Washington, D.C., running an illegal gaming house, misuse of public property, inciting to riot and littering; at the Lake McConaughy State Recreation Area, Nebraska, defacing public property, bringing livestock into a state park without a permit, operating a dairy without proper health inspection, operating a store without a license, operating a commercial enterprise on state property without a permit, selling unpasteurized milk in unsanitary containers, involving minors in an illegal operation and evasion of state taxes; in Denver, Colorado, appropriation of a private building without permission, subsequently causing approximately twenty-eight hundred cases of trespassing, performance of unauthorized alterations on said building, failure to pay electric, water and telephone bills incurred, selling food and liquor without a license, price-fixing, operating a discotheque without a license, violation of local fire marshall’s laws, maintaining a salaried staff without withholding appropriate tax and social security deductions, violation of state advertising laws, littering, disturbing the peace, numerous counts of generally immoral business practises and evasion of state taxes; in Las Vegas, Nevada, gambling underage, leaving the scene of a crime and attempting to flee the country. In addition to all this there’s total failure to pay federal income tax and responsibility for all damages to the Las Vegas Hotel Gunhold incurred in the events leading up to capture, including the cost of two abdominal X-rays."

—FBI Agent Newman, No Coins, Please

Economos: Dude, I didn't mean to put your father in prison.
Peacemaker: Then why'd you put him there, you fat fuck?
Economos: Because I couldn't think of anybody else!
Peacemaker: What about Ariana Grande or Drake?
Economos: What?
Peacemaker: Or Brad Pitt or Payne Stewart or Doug The Pug… or Khloe Kardashian, the red tiger from Voltron, Fran Tarkenton, Joe Montana, Joe Mantegna…
Economos: What the fuck?
Peacemaker: Eddie Murphy, Michael Jordan, Michael B. Jordan, BTS, Eugene Levy, Jon Lovitz-
Economos: Fuck, dude!
Peacemaker: Shut the fuck up and listen, man! I'm giving you a list of people you could’ve done! Danny DeVito, Will Ferrell, Howard Stern, Baba Booey, Robin Ophelia Quivers, Alice Cooper, Ozzy Osbourne, Sharon Osbourne, Bill Cosby — he just got out; he’s got time in his hands — Amy Winehouse…
Economos: Dude, Amy Winehouse is fucking dead!
Peacemaker: Optimus Prime, Shipwreck, Cobra Commander, the fucking cunts from Riverdale! (…) Mariska Hargitay, Mario, Super Mario, fucking Luigi, Yoshi, the Princess, Bert, Ernie, Grover, Snuffalupagus, Burger King, Grimace, Ronald McDonald, the two old guys in the balcony from The Muppets, Jim Morrison, any one of the fucking Beatles, Pete Best, George Carlin-
Economos: Dead!
Peacemaker: Danny Glover, Mel Gibson, Ice-T, Ice Cube, Vanilla Ice, Elvis fucking Presley, Priscilla Presley… Seth Meyers! What about Seth Meyers? Or for that matter Jay Leno? Conan's not really doing much right now…
Economos: Most of those, you’re right, could probably go to prison, but I would NEVER put Ariana Grande in there! She looks too innocent!
Peacemaker: Possibly true! Possibly!
Economos: Alright, next time I have to fucking frame somebody, it’ll be one of all those fucking thousands of people you just mentioned!

—Peacemaker (2022)

Clarkson: Dodge Viper, Packard Caribbean, Chevrolet Corvette, E-type Jaguar, Bugatti Type 37, Lamborghini Espada, Chevrolet Corvette ZR-1, Lamborghini Countach, Brough Superior, Bentley Turbo R, Shelby Mustang 350GT, Citroen XM, Fiat Millecento, Corvette Z06, Bugatti Type 57, AC Cobra 427, Lamborghini Miura S.

[Beat]

Clarkson: Dodge Challenger SRT8, Lagonda V-12, Bentley Speed Six, Ariel Atom, Ford Model T, another Lamborghini Miura, Dodge Challenger R/T. That's page 1, there's page 2. Do you wanna see page 3? There's page 3. How the hell do you decide what to go to work in in the morning?!

Jay Leno: Who wouldn't do that if they could?

—Top Gear (UK), Jay Leno's list of cars

"WANNA BUY A CAT PLUSH? PLUSH TOY? TOY BOX? BOX WINE?
Why won't Mike just call me BACKGAMMON?
HAM AND EGGS? EGG CHAIR? CHAIR BED?
BED BATH? BATH SPONGE? Sponge who hates its [[$4.99]] LIFE BOAT?
BOAT SHOE? SHOESTRING? STRING BEAN?
BEAN BAG? BAGPIPES? PIPE BOMB?
BOMBER JACKET? JACKDAW? DOORSTOP?
[[Stop! No, please! Don’t take my furniture!!!]] STOPWATCH?
WATCHDOG? DOG COLLAR? COLORADO?
ADDERALL? ADS ARE ALL SEEPING. PING PONG?
PONCHOS? CHOKE CHAINS? CHAINSAWS?
SWORDFISH-SHISH KEBAB-BOBCAT?
[[Do you want a cat or not?!?!]]"

— Spamton G. Spamton, The Stupendium, "Ad Infinitum"

In my time I've attended eighty-seven weddings, seventy-nine funerals, twenty-nine bar mitzvahs, eleven bat mitzvahs, twenty-three confirmations, thirty-two baptisms, eight divorce tribunals as a witness for one side or another, thirteen divorce tribunals as a mutual friend to cry on, seven hundred and eighty-four birthday parties of which one hundred and eleven had involved a stripper, twelve of them involving, in fact, the same stripper, one hundred and three anniversary parties, and seven remarriages after relationship difficulties, and of these I could think of maybe only fourteen speeches that were even remotely, even passably...

—The First Fifteen Lives of Harry August

Homer: And then you discover a thousand little things you love about the city... Cajun crawfish, lamb tagine, grilled lamb sausage, zucchini bisque, crab meat po' boy, duck po' boy, chicken sausage po' boy, crawfish sausage po' boy, cochon de lait po' boy, turkey giardiniera po' boy, roast beef po' boy, alligator po' boy, catfish amandine, crawfish amandine, crawfish étouffée, boiled crawfish, Cajun crawfish, Cajun shrimp and duck pasta, fried crab cake, pecan catfish, blackened redfish, seafood mirliton casserole, fried chicken, fried green tomatoes, stuffed shrimp, muffuletta, barbeque brisket sandwich, barbeque chicken sandwich, smoky bacon greens, seafood au gratin, seafood gumbo, frogs' legs...
Lisa: There's also a lot of historical sites.
Homer: Chicken gumbo, jambalaya, spinach artichoke, Creole sweet potato pone, red beans and rice with sausage, veggie red beans and rice, pralines and cookies, oyster pralines, oyster shots, oyster patties, bananas Foster, king cake, Dixie cake, pecan pie, Cajun boudin, boudin balls, crawfish remoulade, shrimp and lump crabmeat ravigote, au croissant crawfish po' boy, and yakamein.

— The Simpsons, "Lisa Gets the Blues"

"I am now gonna say some words and phrases for no reason at all: Star Trek, Stargate, Fringe, The X-Files, Sliders, Supernatural, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Dragon Ball, Devs, Digimon, Avengers: Endgame, Back to the Future, Fullmetal Alchemist, The Man in the High Castle, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, Chrono Trigger, Chrono Cross, Eternal Darkness, Mortal Kombat 9, Final Fantasy XIII-2, Kingdom Hearts, Edge of Tomorrow, Red Dwarf, The Cloverfield Paradox, Naruto, Time Lapse, My Little Pony: Equestria Girls, Another Earth, Source Code, Paradox, Twin Peaks, The Butterfly Effect, The Butterfly Effect 2, The Butterfly Effect 3!? What the fuck—!? Marvel Comics, DC Comics, comics, Injustice, The One, The Legend of Zelda, Community!? (…) …I'll be damned. Sonic the Hedgehog, Donnie Darko (big time), Sliding Doors, The Family Man, The Twilight Zone, Legacy of Kain, Final Destination, Babylon 5, Dark Shadows, Doctor Who, CW's Legends of Tomorrow, CW's Arrow, CW's Supergirl, goddammit, CW's The Flash (complete with time ghosts), God of War II, Quantum Leap of course, Dark, Continuum, every Terminator movie and the TV show, Scrubs, Charmed (1998), Smallville, The O.C., Hercules, Rick and Morty, Ben 10: Omniverse, It's a Wonderful Life… watch a television, see a movie screen, read a book. I can understand the stance that this is clever and original if you have never experienced any media outside of Final Fantasy VII Remake, and that is it. The tropes that Nomura introduces at the end of this game go all the way back to Greek mythology, and have been done to death. The concepts of alternate universes, pre-determinism, and cutting the strings of fate are ancient."

— "Salty Rikk" of Robot Co-Op on why he doesn't view the infamous Stealth Sequel twist of Final Fantasy VII Remake as being "subversive and original"

What makes me laugh so hard about stan rage at me not only is the fact I've been dealing with this for coming up on a decade, but I've heard it all. I got brigaded by MRA types in 2014 PRE-Gamergate, some of y'all really need to try harder XD. Actually, I'm going through my archive to see just how many fanbases I pissed off to get flooded by dislikes... Selena Gomez, The Neighbourhood, The Knife, Jay Sean, Deerhunter, Luke Bryan, John Mayer, Nine Inch Nails, Arctic Monkeys, MGMT, Justin Moore, HAIM, Miley Cyrus, Bastille, Cassadee Pope, Pusha-T, Fall Out Boy, Katy Perry, Cage, Linkin Park, Arcade Fire, Céline Dion, Lady Gaga, M.I.A., One Direction, Britney Spears, Childish Gambino, Beyoncé, Parmalee, Angel Haze, Switchfoot, Young the Giant, Broken Bells, Eric Church, Phantogram, Sun Kil Moon, David Nail, Kylie Minogue, Foster the People, Skrillex, YG, Mac DeMarco, Asher Roth, Lily Allen, Hunter Hayes, The Black Keys, Brantley Gilbert, Coldplay, Mariah Carey, 50 Cent, Riff Raff, Lana Del Rey (so many times...), Ed Sheeran, Sia, Jungle, Porter Robinson, Kimbra, Troye Sivan, BANKS, Chris Brown, U2, Lights, Thom Yorke, Jason Aldean, Tinashe, Taylor Swift, Azealia Banks, J. Cole, Nicki Minaj, Walk the Moon, Ariel Pink, Rae Sremmurd, Fifth Harmony, The Mavericks, Kelly Clarkson, Marina, AWOLNATION, Tobias Jesso Jr., Madeon, Courtney Barnett, Jlin, Shawn Mendes, Passion Pit, Mumford & Sons, Chris Stapleton (SERIOUSLY!), A$AP Rocky, Florence + the Machine, Wolf Alice, Muse, Years & Years, Tame Impala, Melanie Martinez, The Weeknd, Travis Scott, Disclosure, The Game, Carrie Underwood, Daughter, Megadeth, AURORA, Weezer (shocker), Lukas Graham, Big Sean, Kevin Morby, Radiohead, ANOHNI, Lacuna Coil, Jon Bellion, Bon Iver, OneRepublic, JoJo, Kings of Leon, Tove Lo, Starset, Goldfrapp, Arca, Paramore, alt-J, Fleet Foxes, AJR (duh), Nothing But Thieves, Hollywood Undead, Kelela, King Gizzard, Kali Uchis, The Voidz, Kanye, Kids See Ghosts, SOPHIE, Mac Miller, Greta Van Fleet, Vulfpeck, Sabrina Carpenter, Vampire Weekend, Tyler, the Creator, Weyes Blood, Danny Brown, Angel Olsen, and The Strokes. This list was compiled off of reviews where the like/dislike % was ~60% or lower. And I'm not doing this for me to flash all the times I was right (although there's more than a few examples of that). What I'm highlighting is that I didn't go into this to be liked. I can take it.

— Spectrum Pulse; in a Twitter thread from March 2021

"Jasper, I'm legit proud of you. Of course I'll help you out. You want me to just like, list off some general interests?" Amethyst asked.
"Yes," Jasper replied. "Anything."
"Alright!" Amethyst clasped her hands together. "Well, Pearl's a total nerd - you probably don't know what that means, but basically, she's like super obsessed with a bunch of stuff - she's into books, swords, weapons in general, gem history, strategy games, science, calligraphy, puzzles, the concept of space, dancing, singing, drawing, cleaning, architecture, violin, piano..."
Jasper hadn't been wrong about Pearl's business, then.
Amethyst kept going: "...Human history and tech - but until recently, that was more of a theoretical thing. It's only in the last couple years she's been more into really getting humans... honestly, I think she's proud of herself for branching out, you know?"

— Steven Universe: Future fanfic Something Better, Chapter 9

Oswald: Osmerelda, you've got to see this. It's the newest issue of Shmumber Travel Magazine, and look! [opens the magazine to show a picture of Omar and a list of monuments] It includes Omar's list of the top 25 world's best monuments!
Osmerelda: Two questions: first, how did Omar only choose 25?
Oswald: He narrowed it down from his original list of 2,500. Dark days.

— Odd Squad, "Monumental Oddness"

"I haven't seen you in ages, how are you? "Not too bad, all things considered." And when people say that to me, I want to say to them, "You have considered all things?"

"Uluru. The Okavango Delta, the cradle of all life. The alps. The genius of Mozart. The limpid minimalism of Arvo Part. The unplayable piano music of Franz Liszt, whose giant manatee-like flipper hands means that if you’re not a circus freak or a Yeti you can’t actually play the bloody stuff. The tectonic plates inching around the planet, mocking our brief dance on the surface. Those yogurts with fruit in the corner. All human artistic endeavor. Everything that has ever existed at a molecular level. Pushing someone in a pond when they least expect it! Sitting around the house in your pants, eating gluten for a laugh! Wars, religion, ideology, a rose, opening up a new jar of instant coffee with a back end of a teaspoon, THE SENSATION OF THAT! The baffling longevity of Linked-In! Standing on the Rialto Bridge at midnight, covered in Marmite, naked, chucking wine gums at tourists, shouting "I forgive you!" The uncountable stars! The boundless universe, beyond which our imagination founders on a distant shore where we dare to touch the hem of infinity’s cloak! You considered the opalescence that shimmers on the surface of a tear that wells up in a shepherd’s eye as he marvels at the beauty of yet another Patagonian sunrise? You considered THAT!?"

"Yeah." "And how'd you feel?" "Not too bad."

—Bill Bailey, Limboland

"Of course, the Conductor! You've been murdering composers for years! In fact, wherever there's a conductor, you're sure to find a dead composer! Beethoven—dead! Bach—dead! Brahms—dead! Mozart—dead! Haydn—dead! Schubert—unfinished, but dead! Mahler—dead! Chopin—romantic... but dead! Tchaikovsky—dramatic... dead! Stravinsky—estatic... dead! Schoenberg—incomprehensible... but dead! Berlioz—dead. Purcell—dead. Prokofiev—dead. Debussy—dead. Vivaldi! Wagner! Sibelius! Ives! Handel! Britten! Mendelssohn! Scriabin! Liszt! Messiaen! Copland! Cage! Dvorak! Shostakovich! Ligeti! Lutoslawski! Corelli! Bellini! Puccini! Rossini! Scarlatti! Busoni! Boccherini! Verdi! J. C. Bach! W. F. Bach! C. P. E. Bach! Offenbach!... Dead composers litter the musical world, and it's all because of one man... and one little stick! Arrest him at once!"

— The Inspector, The Composer is Dead

---