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Anime and Manga
We the people, who are dedicated to protecting and serving the common good, do charge you with trespassing, theft, violence, assault, illegal possession of firearms, and a really crappy attitude!
— Prosecutor, Dead Leaves
Not only did you hurt Erika-san, but you even trampled the flowers! I've...I've had enough!!
— Cure Blossom, HeartCatch Pretty Cure!
Comic Books
First are the pits. My army of the undead, penned and waiting for command. They are unchained, unmastered, and without my totem, they will tear us apart.
Should we manage to pass through their lair, we will come to a room of eyes, which will see through every aspect of your mind, every little self-deception. You will hear whispers, whispers of your true self that will shatter your identity.
Then you come to the room of fire. A cleansing fire that erases your mind, so that you may never find the handle that may lead to your escape. There are things in the fire you would never want to find you, but they will.
Beyond that is the room of spirits. The souls of those I've rendered lifeless, screaming in agony, ready to tear the spirit out of your body.
Then you find yourself in the humans pens. The few who have even made it through the gates emerge soulless, lifeless, and I then sell them to the highest bidder. This is the most guarded room in all of Midnight, and the antechamber to my personal quarters.
And then, of course, I have a very sophisticated electronic alarm system on my loft.
Should we manage to pass through their lair, we will come to a room of eyes, which will see through every aspect of your mind, every little self-deception. You will hear whispers, whispers of your true self that will shatter your identity.
Then you come to the room of fire. A cleansing fire that erases your mind, so that you may never find the handle that may lead to your escape. There are things in the fire you would never want to find you, but they will.
Beyond that is the room of spirits. The souls of those I've rendered lifeless, screaming in agony, ready to tear the spirit out of your body.
Then you find yourself in the humans pens. The few who have even made it through the gates emerge soulless, lifeless, and I then sell them to the highest bidder. This is the most guarded room in all of Midnight, and the antechamber to my personal quarters.
And then, of course, I have a very sophisticated electronic alarm system on my loft.
— Papa Midnite describing his home's defenses, Hellblazer
Merchant #1: Assassin!
Merchant #2: Murderer!
Merchant #3: Haberdasher's nightmare!
Merchant #2: Murderer!
Merchant #3: Haberdasher's nightmare!
—Priam Agrivar is assaulted by angry townsfolk, Forgotten Realms #11
Comic Strips
Andy: Jason, I told you two weeks ago that I didn't want Mortal Karnage II coming into this house. You have no one to blame but yourself.
Jason: But...but...
Andy: You're too young for this sort of thing. I mean, look at what it teaches: that human disembowelment is entertainment, that "winners" decapitate their enemies, that carnage is spelled with a "K".
Jason: I know carnage isn't spelled with a "K".
Andy: The sad part is, that's the least of my concerns.
Jason: But...but...
Andy: You're too young for this sort of thing. I mean, look at what it teaches: that human disembowelment is entertainment, that "winners" decapitate their enemies, that carnage is spelled with a "K".
Jason: I know carnage isn't spelled with a "K".
Andy: The sad part is, that's the least of my concerns.
— FoxTrot
Calvin: Mom, can I set fire to my bed mattress?
Mom: No, Calvin.
Calvin: Can I ride my tricycle on the roof?
Mom: No, Calvin.
Calvin: Then can I have a cookie?
Mom: No, Calvin.
Calvin: Can I ride my tricycle on the roof?
Mom: No, Calvin.
Calvin: Then can I have a cookie?
Fan Works
I love how every other sentence is about how Ron fails at something. He's a drunk! He hits his wife and kids! He's a rapist! He sleeps with whores! He's cheap! He kills birds! HE DOESN'T APPRECIATE CLASSICAL MUSIC!
[...]
I'm kind of disappointed that Ron didn't call Hermione a mudblood, turn out to be a Death Eater, molest children, engage in sexual acts with a pony, kill an endangered species, discourage his children from learning, litter, smoke, eat opium, take too many diet pills in order to cram for a big test, cheat at cards, cheat on his taxes, plagiarize, dip snuff, cross-dress, turn out to be gay, blackmail his gay lover, lead a religious cult, spread vicious rumors, sleep with Ginny, gamble, fail to recycle, have a porn addiction, join a Satanic church, and claim to "not get" Impressionism.
[...]
I'm kind of disappointed that Ron didn't call Hermione a mudblood, turn out to be a Death Eater, molest children, engage in sexual acts with a pony, kill an endangered species, discourage his children from learning, litter, smoke, eat opium, take too many diet pills in order to cram for a big test, cheat at cards, cheat on his taxes, plagiarize, dip snuff, cross-dress, turn out to be gay, blackmail his gay lover, lead a religious cult, spread vicious rumors, sleep with Ginny, gamble, fail to recycle, have a porn addiction, join a Satanic church, and claim to "not get" Impressionism.
— carey_pontmercy, on
The Last War
The Last War"You did save my life once or twice. Even if you did sacrifice Elena in a ritual of fire and then kidnapped me, make me drink blood, torture people and take really long boring road trips to the middle of nowhere."
— Stefan to Klaus, Ship of Fools
"For such insolence, I ougt to STRING YOU UP in the deepest, darkest part of THE NETHERREALM, where your body will turn itself INSIDE-OUT in UTTER TERROR, but you’ll still be ALIVE to hear the haunting music of THE DEVIL’S ORCHESTRA OF THE DAMNED! And you know the thing about the damned? They only know one song, AND THEY’RE REALLY BAD AT IT!"
— Merasmus, Justice Society of Japan
"May the fetid stench of your breath become a Ferengi aphrodisiac, your bedchamber be infested with Cardassian voles on your wedding night, and your grandsons receive honorary degrees in landscape gardening!"
— B'Elanna Torres, The Mate of the KuvaH'magh SoS
Nathaniel: She deliberately scared Mylène off!
Kim: She even made her cry!
Alix: We're not rewarding that brat.
Adrien: And she doesn't even remember the character names!
Kim: She even made her cry!
Alix: We're not rewarding that brat.
Adrien: And she doesn't even remember the character names!
Hashimoto: "The work of your father progresses. The one called Ibac successfully placed the transmission dish within effective range of the sun. The disks have been tested and seem efficient."
Thaddeus Sivana: "Neat. Maybe then Pops'll let me hook onto one of those things and tear into Little Blue, like I've always wanted to."
Mashita: "Unfortunately, your father is reluctant to let you or your daughter partake of their power yet. He wishes to test their use through some of the others first."
Thaddeus Sivana: "Why, that old—! He can't do this to me! I'll burn up his long underwear! I'll put acid in his Burma Shave! I'll—I'll tear up his old Captain Marvel scrapbooks! Better yet, I won't let him look at my pictures of Irish McCalla anymore!"
Thaddeus Sivana: "Neat. Maybe then Pops'll let me hook onto one of those things and tear into Little Blue, like I've always wanted to."
Mashita: "Unfortunately, your father is reluctant to let you or your daughter partake of their power yet. He wishes to test their use through some of the others first."
Thaddeus Sivana: "Why, that old—! He can't do this to me! I'll burn up his long underwear! I'll put acid in his Burma Shave! I'll—I'll tear up his old Captain Marvel scrapbooks! Better yet, I won't let him look at my pictures of Irish McCalla anymore!"
So they tried to defeat her using big high-tech guns or atomic-powered exo-suits, mutant abilities and sheer misogyny.
She was sure they altered the MAGI somehow, she was sure they were watching her when she wasn't looking, and she was sure they were feeding her cat when she wasn't home.
— Ritsuko Akagi, Rise of the Minisukas
Bakugo: Get a good look at your little girlfriend’s fat face. When I’m done fucking it up, it’ll be unrecognizable.
Ochako: Shut your hate-hole you little...
Narrator: And what followed was a string of creatively mashed-together expletives that would have started wars, ignited generational conflicts, and curdled milk.
Ochako: Shut your hate-hole you little...
Narrator: And what followed was a string of creatively mashed-together expletives that would have started wars, ignited generational conflicts, and curdled milk.
Film — Animated
His destructive programming is taking effect. He will be irresistibly drawn to large cities, where he will back up sewers, reverse street signs, and steal everyone's left shoe.
— Jumba, Lilo & Stitch
Dracula: ...and then the monsters ran away and were forced into hiding, but Harry the human found them, and jumped out from under their beds!
Mavis: I'm scared!
Dracula: And burned their clothes! And bit their toes! And took their candy!
Mavis: I'm scared!
Dracula: And burned their clothes! And bit their toes! And took their candy!
— Dracula reading Tales of Humans to Mavis in Hotel Transylvania
Rule number one: Always listen to Buck. Rule number two: Stay in the middle of the trail. Rule number three: He who has gas travels to the back of the pack.
— Buck, Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs
"Kal, I've been chased, shot at, kidnapped, beaten up, had my mind controlled and I broke a nail. I'm ready for a little quiet."
—Kara Zor-El, Superman/Batman: Apocalypse
Lincoln Sternn. You stand here accused of twelve counts of murder in the first degree, fourteen counts of armed theft of Federation Property, twenty two counts of piracy in high space, eighteen counts of fraud, thirty seven counts of rape… and one moving violation.
— Prosecutor:, Heavy Metal
"They've ruined me! Rascals! Swindlers! Vegetarians!"
—Mr. Octopus, Dunno on the Moon
Corrections Officer: Disturbing the peace, fleeing an officer, falsifying a unibrow...
Héctor: That's illegal?
Corrections Officer: VERY illegal.
Héctor: That's illegal?
Corrections Officer: VERY illegal.
—Coco
Film — Live-Action
Nick: I'm such a sucker. Harken was never gonna promote me!
Kurt: That coked-up prick is gonna ruin Pellett Chemicals. He's just gonna fire everyone!
Dale: She stood there with her breasts right in my face!
Kurt: ...You know, yours doesn't sound that bad.
Kurt: That coked-up prick is gonna ruin Pellett Chemicals. He's just gonna fire everyone!
Dale: She stood there with her breasts right in my face!
Kurt: ...You know, yours doesn't sound that bad.
I object… that this guy also broke my apartment and shit. And you know what else? I object that he's not gonna have any money to pay me after he pays back all the money he stole from the hospital! And I object, I OBJECT that he interrupted me while I was watching "Ow! My Balls!" That is NOT okay!
— Frito Pendejo, Idiocracy
We loved our daughter but she was evil. Made the horses crazy. Killed our puppies. Hid the remote. Really sick shit.
— The Architect, Scary Movie 3
Reckless endangerment of human life… willful disregard for private property… failure to signal for a safe lane change…
— Joe Friday during a high-speed chase, Dragnet
You shouldn't have killed my mother and squished my Walkman.
— Peter Quill, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
I couldn't see how anyone could claim to love children in the generic any more than anyone could credibly claim to love people in a sufficiently sweeping sense as to embrace Pol Pot, Don Rickles, and an upstairs neighbor who does 2,000 jumping jacks at three in the morning.
Dr Ray Stantz: Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling!
Dr. Egon Spengler: Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes…
Winston Zeddemore: The dead rising from the grave!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!
Oh, the things that I have missed, the Black Plague, the Spanish Inquisition, The Brady Bunch reunion.
— Ivan Ooze, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie
A homeless guy came up to me and he said, "Excuse me. I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS. I'm new in town." You're gonna close with 'new in town'? That is not the most dramatic thing that you just said. Here's how I would have ordered those things. I would have said, "Excuse me, I'm new in town and it gets worse."
— John Mulaney, New In Town
"I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers, and Methodists."
- —Hedley Lamar, Blazing Saddles
"Follow. But, follow only if ye be men of valour! For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel, that no man yet has fought with it and lived. Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair! So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage, or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth!"
— Tim the Enchanter, Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Blood and Thunder Prophet: ... and the bezan shall be huge and black, and the eyes thereof red with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent, and throughout the lands, there will be a great rubbing of parts. Yeeah...
False Prophet: ... for the demon shall bear a nine-bladed sword. NINE-bladed! Not two or five or seven, but NINE, which he will wield on all wretched sinners, sinners just like you, sir, there, and the horns shall be on the head, with which he will...
Boring Prophet: ...there shall, in that time, be *rumors* of things going astray, errrm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things wi - with the sort of raffia work base that has an attachment. At this time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock.
False Prophet: ... for the demon shall bear a nine-bladed sword. NINE-bladed! Not two or five or seven, but NINE, which he will wield on all wretched sinners, sinners just like you, sir, there, and the horns shall be on the head, with which he will...
Boring Prophet: ...there shall, in that time, be *rumors* of things going astray, errrm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things wi - with the sort of raffia work base that has an attachment. At this time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock.
"The Rippers are a demonic army of bloodthirsty, human eating, purse snatchin', mutant creatures."
—Tank Girl, Tank Girl
"When you talk to the President, you might remind him that I am holding his wife, his daughter, his chief of staff, his national security advisor, his classified papers - and his baseball glove!"
—Ivan Korshunov, Air Force One
"Being the adventures of a young man whose principal interests are rape, ultra-violence, and Beethoven."
"Maverick, you just did an incredibly brave thing. What you should have done was land your plane! You don't own that plane, the taxpayers do. Son, your ego is writing checks your body can't cash. You've been busted, you've lost your qualifications as section leader three times, put in hack twice by me. With a history of high speed passes over five air control towers, and one admiral's daughter!"
—Stinger, Top Gun
Literature
But let none of you suffer as a murderer, a thief, an evildoer, or as a busybody in other people's matters.
— The Bible, 1 Peter 4:15 (New King James Version)
Holy water, a couple cloves of garlic, vials of salt, and iron filings filled the basket, intended to be door prizes for anything that showed up in an attempt to suck my blood, carry me off to faerieland, or sell me stale cookies.
— Harry Dresden, inner monologuing in Death Masks
El Salvador at the time Doakes was there had been a true three-ring circus of torture, rape, murder, and name-calling. (And no one had thought to invite me.)
— Dexter, Dearly Devoted Dexter
You're under arrest for murder, attempted murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I dunno, possibly littering.
— Skulduggery Pleasant, Skulduggery Pleasant
The Yeerks are a parasitic species. Like tapeworms or lice or certain gym coaches who think you can't play basketball just because you are somewhat not tall. But Yeerks don't crawl on top of your head like lice. They crawl inside your head. A slug slithers into your ear, oozes into your brain, flattens itself out, sinks into all the cracks in your brain, and from that point on, controls you. It can even force you to listen to Kenny G.
—Animorphs - Megamorphs #2
His big claim to fame was that the Golden Fleece — that magical sheepskin rug I'm related to — ended up in his kingdom, which made the place immune to disease, invasion, stock market crashes, visits from Justin Bieber, and pretty much any other natural disaster.
[Hades] could even send the Furies after living people if they committed a truly horrific crime — like killing a family member, desecrating a temple, or singing Journey songs on karaoke night.
"You'll find that government and religion will change, war and inflation will erupt, there will be widespread death and destruction, martyrdom of saints, and even a devastating earthquake."
—Pastor Billings describing the Great Tribulation, Left Behind
"I understand there are so many thieves and killers in America that they have different categories of criminals. Muggers, mass murderers and something called a birdwalker."
"Jaywalker," McCarter corrected. "Dreadful crime, but what can you expect from Americans."
"Jaywalker," McCarter corrected. "Dreadful crime, but what can you expect from Americans."
— Phoenix Force, "Night of the Thuggee"
"If your father the master comes to know of this, he will send me for whipping and have me put in the pillory and throw me out of the house, which is the worst thing that could happen to me."
— Nuño, The Lord of Bembibre
A.T. Lantic's status update: Top 5 reasons I regret becoming a space pilot:
1. Unknown threats
2. Leaking fuel
3. Wings on fire
4. Overtime on weekends
5. Too small pilot jacket
Live-Action TV
Here are the rules of Judaism as I understand them. One, thou shalt not kill. Two, thou shalt not commit adultery. Three, don't eat pork.
This count kills, rapes, sends people to rape, and he's fixated with this share package! What is a share package? Is it physically a package or not?
— Mariano Giusti, Boris
House:: See, if meningococcus is the king of the hill, then you get to have another seizure. Serratia will shut down your lungs, if it's cepacia you'll have a heart attack. And if it's the rhinovirus, you'll sneeze.
[Beat]
House: They can't all be dramatic. We good?
— House
If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.
— Book, Firefly
Newsman: Five o'clock, and all is well. Five o'clock, and all is well. Except that Maid Marion has been kidnapped, the sheriff's up to no good, that dog is stealing the cheese, Kermit's mad at Piggy, and it's really only 4:30.
Tracy Jordan: If Wall St. crashes, it'll be the 1970s all over again. People will get mean, the streets won't be safe, it'll be graffiti everywhere, and the movies will only cost three dollars!
Larry King: Tracy Jordan — saying three serious things, and then a joke.
Larry King: Tracy Jordan — saying three serious things, and then a joke.
— 30 Rock
Joey: I'm not Drake!
Ross: That's right. He's not Drake. He's Hans Ramoray, Drake's evil twin!
Erika: Is this true?
Rachel: Yes, yes, it is true. And I know this because he pretended to be Drake to sleep with me! (throws glass of water in Joey's face)
Monica: And then he told me he would run away with me! And he didn't! (throws more water in Joey's face)
Chandler: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard! (throws water in Joey's face)
Ross: That's right. He's not Drake. He's Hans Ramoray, Drake's evil twin!
Erika: Is this true?
Rachel: Yes, yes, it is true. And I know this because he pretended to be Drake to sleep with me! (throws glass of water in Joey's face)
Monica: And then he told me he would run away with me! And he didn't! (throws more water in Joey's face)
Chandler: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard! (throws water in Joey's face)
— Friends
Let me guess, my theories appall you, my heresies outrage you, I never answer letters, and you don't like my tie!
— The Doctor, Doctor Who, "Ghost Light"
Danny Concannon: CJ, I'm not staying in the penalty box forever. I have covered the White House for eight years and I've done it with the New York Times, the Washington Post, Time Magazine, and the Dallas Morning News! And I'm telling you you can't mess me around like this!
C.J. Cregg: Danny, I gotta tell you, that was — seriously — that was a turn-on when you said that, though I don't know why you decided to be your most haughty on the Dallas Morning News in that sentence.
C.J. Cregg: Danny, I gotta tell you, that was — seriously — that was a turn-on when you said that, though I don't know why you decided to be your most haughty on the Dallas Morning News in that sentence.
Amelia Folch: (watching Rabbi Levi's auto-da-fé in 1491) I don't understand how people enjoy these things.
Julián Martínez: The human being has always enjoyed other people's miseries. Otherwise there would have never been Roman circuses, autos-da-fé, gossip television shows...
You just summoned aliens back to Earth. Actual aliens. Deadly aliens. Aliens. Of death... And now you're taking your clothes off.
— Rory, to the Eleventh Doctor, Doctor Who, "The Eleventh Hour"
Worker 1: I hear their folks were arsonists.
Worker 2: I hear they checked out library books and never returned them.
Worker 3: I hear they drank blood from the skulls of chupacabras.
Worker 2: I hear they checked out library books and never returned them.
Worker 3: I hear they drank blood from the skulls of chupacabras.
"Unless I can figure out a compelling reason to keep you here, you will spend eternity with murderers, and arsonists, and people who take off their shoes and socks on commercial airlines."
— Michael, The Good Place
"We are at a point where this man has a genuine shot at the presidency, despite having blown up a political party, undermined confidence in our electoral system, declared open season on journalists, and unleashed a river of racism and misogyny. Also — and I feel like we've lost sight of this — he has really stupid hair."
"They should be taxed, and then they should be imprisoned. And then they should be told their lights were better last year, because it's that one that would hurt them the most. That's the one that would sting."
— John Oliver on people who blanket their houses with Christmas lights, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver
"[The humans] ruin everything they touch! And they're just so boring."
— God, Supernatural
"I went on my share of protest marches. There was Vietnam, get the Russians out of Czechoslovakia, get soft loo papers in the students' union."
— Dorien Green, Birds of a Feather, "In at the Deep End"
"So... Max turned Dr. Colosso back to a human, Phoebe told Cherry our family secret, and Nora has been banned from the baby store?"
— Barb Thunderman, The Thundermans, "A Hero is Born"
"He's taken my keys, and my wallet… oh my God, and my cheesy Wotsits. I don't believe it."
— Amanda Ripley, Girls on Top, "Four-Play"
Jessie: So, Bertram, are you excited about the carnival?
Bertram: No. Carnivals are full of screaming kids, games that are impossible to win, and I've dated enough bearded ladies in my lifetime!
— Jessie, "Pain the Rear Window"
Music
Crash my car LIKE A BOSS
Suck my own dick LIKE A BOSS
Eat some chicken strips LIKE A BOSS
Suck my own dick LIKE A BOSS
Eat some chicken strips LIKE A BOSS
— The Lonely Island, "Like A Boss"
But there's a bad man in everyone
No matter who we are
There's a rapist and a Nazi living in our tiny hearts
Child pornographers and cannibals, and politicians too
No matter who we are
There's a rapist and a Nazi living in our tiny hearts
Child pornographers and cannibals, and politicians too
—Andrew Jackson Jihad , "People II: The Reckoning"
Hey, I don't work here, but maybe I should
That way I could put my planetary fist in you!
That way I could teach your kid to drown in front of you!
That way I could hide all of the linguini from you!
That way I could put my planetary fist in you!
That way I could teach your kid to drown in front of you!
That way I could hide all of the linguini from you!
Professional Wrestling
Vickie Guerrero: Well, who's on your list?
Christian: Well, for starters, Bret "The Hitman" Hart... The Mountie, he's huge in these parts... The Brooklyn Brawler... Jared, the Subway guy...
Vickie: Oh, please...
Christian: And Lester, the guy who loves chicken!
Vickie: ... Who's Lester?
Christian: Actually, I don't even know who Lester is, but he loves chicken!
Christian: Well, for starters, Bret "The Hitman" Hart... The Mountie, he's huge in these parts... The Brooklyn Brawler... Jared, the Subway guy...
Vickie: Oh, please...
Christian: And Lester, the guy who loves chicken!
Vickie: ... Who's Lester?
Christian: Actually, I don't even know who Lester is, but he loves chicken!
Theatre
Adolf Hitler: I started a war and killed millions of Jews!
Genghis Khan: I slaughtered the Chinese!
Jeffrey Dahmer: I stabbed a guy and fucked his corpse!
Johnnie Cochran: I got O.J. freed!
Genghis Khan: I slaughtered the Chinese!
Jeffrey Dahmer: I stabbed a guy and fucked his corpse!
Johnnie Cochran: I got O.J. freed!
— The Book of Mormon, "Spooky Mormon Hell Dream"
Beatrice: Will you go hear this news, Signior?
Benedick: I will live in thy heart, die in thy lap, and be buried in thy eyes — and moreover, I will go with thee to thy uncle's.
Video Games
Hacking through Horne's computer would have unearthed criminal plans, strategies for world domination, spy helicopter reports, illegal wire tap recordings, internet porno, all of the above. Take your pick.
You want my opinion, sir? This mission is FUBAR. We are up Shit Creek without a paddle. I miss my mommy.
— Barney, Heart of Evil
The Yatagarasu sent a card saying, "I will be there to steal your dirtiest secret"... but all we've had is an arson and a murder! The lab boys are going in circles! You know what this is, sirs!? It's a breach of contract, and it's going on the rap sheet!
— Dick Gumshoe, Ace Attorney Investigations
(Content Severity: Severe)
Many depictions of death with blood and some gore.
People dying to all kinds of deathtraps.
Suicide.
Characters dealing with death-related trauma.
Characters having hallucinations from trauma.
Implied abusive relationships.
A few moments involving a character being stalked.
An optional and easily-avoidable bad ending involving mindbreak.
Some elements of body horror.
Some pseudo-jumpscares.
Swearing.
Many depictions of death with blood and some gore.
People dying to all kinds of deathtraps.
Suicide.
Characters dealing with death-related trauma.
Characters having hallucinations from trauma.
Implied abusive relationships.
A few moments involving a character being stalked.
An optional and easily-avoidable bad ending involving mindbreak.
Some elements of body horror.
Some pseudo-jumpscares.
Swearing.
—The Content Warning for Your Turn to Die
Here's all you need to know: I'm a werewolf. I like killing things. I love Astrid. I hate annoying people. And the color blue gives me a headache.
— Arnbjorn, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
You corrupt pigs. You're supposed to stand for justice. But you're liars. And you're murderers. And you're so goddamn rude.
That bad guy just stole Princess MacGuffin! You have to rescue her! Also, he murdered your uncle! You must get revenge! I think he might have peed in the town's water supply too!
...That seems a bit less important now.
...That seems a bit less important now.
— DLC Quest introductory text.
You lied to me. You betrayed me. You used me. You fucked up my face.
— Mitchell, Hunt Down the Freeman
Raah!
If the city's burning, your siege must have been successful. Rescue the Innocent Princess! Defeat the Red-Handed Queen! Put the milk bottles out!
— A dream about a burning city, Fallen London
Nixie: Humans must be exterminated.
Betty: What a toxic woman!
Nixie: You are responsible for water pollution.
Betty: Well, nobody's perfect...
Nixie: Moreover, you are the cause of climate change.
Betty: Anybody can make a mistake...
Nixie: But most of all, you are behind the worst invention in the world. Pineapple pizza!
Betty: (innerly) We are unforgivable...
Betty: What a toxic woman!
Nixie: You are responsible for water pollution.
Betty: Well, nobody's perfect...
Nixie: Moreover, you are the cause of climate change.
Betty: Anybody can make a mistake...
Nixie: But most of all, you are behind the worst invention in the world. Pineapple pizza!
Betty: (innerly) We are unforgivable...
Oh NO! I've been captured by some government guys… I'm miles away from home… and my Halloween costume is starting to smell like corn chips.
Web Animation
We could clean up charging candy to see the scariest film since Psycho! [beat] The Birds? [cricket noises] Attack of the Clones?
— Martin, Cartoon Monsoon: Director's Cut
I'm gonna kill him, I'm gonna rape him, I'm gonna eat his fucking costume!
I'm Dr. Robotnik, I say what I want! I say pingas! I say pussy! I say butt! I say crud and sludge!
"Starbarians, wanted on 120 systems for coercion, extortion, extinctions, distortions, desertions, perversions, illegal insertions, invasions of nations, space-tax evasion, commotions, explosions, and… loitering!?"
— Hogstrong, reading his and Killgar's wanted poster, Starbarians Episode 1.5
"NIGGA, YOU WERE USIN YOUR POWERS TO KILL ALL THOTS! And Daniel over there used his powers to hit on girls! And Javons been using his powers for world peace! WHAT KINDA GENERIC SHIT IS THAT?!"
— Rocky, TOONZIES
Web Original
Whoa! Holy shit! We love the way the writer crammed in every scary word they could think of: rape, war, cancer, emphysema, respiratory distress, anemia, constipation, irritability, blindness, Canada.
In my time online I've been called "fag" approximately 104,165 times. I keep an Excel spreadsheet. I've also been called "asshole" and "cockweasel" and "fuckcamel" and "cuntwaffle" and "shitglutton" and "porksword" and "wangbasket" and "shitwhistle" and "thundercunt" and "fartminge" and "shitflannel" and "knobgoblin" and "boring."
— David Wong, "7 Reasons the 21st Century is Making You Miserable"
Alex Jones-style, McKinney believes more or less every conspiracy theory she has encountered. A selection of claims McKinney has endorsed is that the US military shot and killed 5000 prisoners during Katrina and dumped their bodies, a multitude of 9/11 conspiracy theories (unsurprisingly), and that Jeb Bush was running a drug ring out of Columbia while he was governor of Florida. Conspiracy theories concerning famous assassinations endorsed by McKinney include believing that James Earl Ray did not kill Martin Luther King Jr., that Lee Harvey Oswald did not kill JFK, that Sirhan Sirhan did not kill Robert F. Kennedy, and — particularly vehemently — that Biggie did not kill Tupac.
— Encyclopedia of American Loons on Cynthia McKinney
on Cynthia McKinneyThe following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.
In my younger days I was a cursing, drinking, smoking, gambling, child-molesting, thieving, murdering, bed-wetting bastard.
"Basically, [Devil Fruits] are supernatural fruits that give you one totally random, but usually really awesome, superpower if you eat them, at the cost of your ability to swim. And you must never eat more than one fruit in your life, or you explode… and they taste kinda like Grandma's armpit."
— Leia Weiss, on the subject of Devil Fruit
4chan is a blunderbuss. It's a giant cannon filled with fuckin screws, nails, bodyparts, shit, and waifu.
"John McTiernan and his credited screenwriters Steven E. DeSouza and Jeb Stuart stuff every nook and cranny with beguiling little touches, such as… the way the long-haired Asian terrorist (Al Leong) steals a candy bar while waiting to ambush the tactical officer. (He glances around nervously before he does it; terrorism, theft, kidnapping and murder are no big deal, but he won’t be seen jacking sweets.)"
…these equine beauties are often vital to the hero's quest, making it possible to reach hidden lands, slay hideous monsters, or just carry enough supplies for a month's worth of second breakfasts.
You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, Byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, abrasive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.
— The fabled "Ultimate Flame"
STOP! HAVING! THOUGHTS!! You never needed to be self aware! Ideas, abstractions, language and reasoning are DREAM PARASITES FROM THE ETHER!! We did not invite them; we did not want them! They make us THINK we do! Return to the Stygian protomind of your ant and grub forefathers! Rejoin their ancient choir! ...They need baritones.
THIS BOOK TRIED TO EAT MY FACE OFF!!! Also it summoned ancient horrors from beyond time and space and filled my mind with frightful truths. There are lots of other horrible things too like detailing human sacrificial rights to ripping souls from the body and sending them into a state of unlife but the worst part is the author’s clear POLITICAL BIAS!
— Parodic Amazon review for the Necronomicon
You know it would be a scam/failure when there are:
Nonsense motivational slogans
Strange design furniture
Ukulele music
— Comment on ColdFusion's WeWork - The $47 Billion Disaster
Isaac is too young to be a parent! He doesn’t have enough money or space for a child! He doesn’t know what he’s doing! This child may not even be human! His girlfriend might leave him and take the baby away forever! Glenvar might teach this kid a swear word! Aaaaah!!!
— Jeimos, Looming Gaia Tumblr, a hypothetical scenario where Isaac gets someone pregnant
Web Video
Phoenix Wright: Alright, so let's go through your charges, okay? Robbery, reckless driving, bullshittin' with food services, three counts of murder, verbal assault on a member of the LGB, trash lyrics.
Baku: Hold up, what you talking about 'bout "trash lyrics"?
Phoenix Wright: In that rap song.
Baku: That's a crime?
Phoenix Wright: In the state of Illinois.
Baku: Hold up, what you talking about 'bout "trash lyrics"?
Phoenix Wright: In that rap song.
Baku: That's a crime?
Phoenix Wright: In the state of Illinois.
Supreme Court | Baku Season 5
You got all your normal kinds of monster madness going on here in the background. Killer Plants, Spiders, Minotaurs, Tem—whoa. Tempura shrimp? Ohhhhh. This is going to be one of those days, isn't it?
— JonTron on Monster Party
Battle anime holds our interest because dynamic action makes the fight-or-flight part of our marginally upgraded monkey brains go "brr". Non-battle battle anime, lacking the action part of that equation, can only achieve the same effect of life-or-death tension by putting their characters on a razor's edge where failure comes swiftly and decisively and one mistake can cost them everything. "If Mom finds out about the escape plan, we're all dead!" "If I lose at rock, paper, scissors now, I'll be sold into slavery!" "Oh God, if I ask for his phone number wrong, the president will know I like him!"
WARNING: NOT SAFE FOR WORK. [This work contains] Murder, gore, sex, sexism, nudity, attempted rape, Brooklyn accents
— Chip Cheezum's warning for Mad Bull 34
This is a little… psycho shrine where you collect pieces of things from people that you stalk. For instance, a band-aid from which you can get Hepatitis C, a toothbrush where you can get Gingivitis, and an apple where you can get a healthy nutritious snack.
— Tear of Grace playing Yandere Simulator.
"Red lights, walking backwards, GIVE ME SOME MORE PRESSURE, I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH! YES! BIOHAZARD! PERFECT! THANK YOU! AAAHH, FALLING TO MY DEATH! TANK OF ACID, SUPERB! [annoyed] Sidestepping…"
Film Brain: So, in just under five minutes, this show has Wonder Woman violate the law, ignore basic rights, and the media aggrandizes her with references to the WORST torture scandal in US history.
Nash: And all without the slightest hint of irony or self-awareness.
Linkara: And they completely rip off Grant Morrison's Batman Incorporated! [Beat] What?
— Crossover review of Wonder Woman (2011 pilot)
Sometimes you get saddled with that one guy whose idea of leadership means invading Poland, or drilling in the Gulf of Mexico without checking the failsafes, or giving Smallville ten goddamn seasons.
— Nash, What the Fuck Is Wrong with You?, "It's Stupid At the Top"
''Alfred-Traumatized
Diamant-Wimp
Ivy-Psycho
Timerra-Vegetarian
Diamant-Wimp
Ivy-Psycho
Timerra-Vegetarian
I can't believe they made Timerra the most evil of them all''
— Matobus, discussing the Mirror Universe in Fire Emblem Engage, "Fire Emblem Engage: Fell Xenologue DLC- All Unique Battle Quotes & Dialogues (Vs. Evil Versions)
Webcomics
Look at that thing. It probably ate a puppy for breakfast right before it burned down an orphanage and talked loudly on a cell phone at a restaurant.
— Dan Shive, El Goonish Shive, the rant on this page.
page.I bet they grow their hair into little horns, and they offer live sacrifices to appease their Naked Master. And they don't let you have a television in your room.
— Robin, theorizing on the exact nature of Mike's parents in Shortpacked!
I hate your kind of slave! A little stupid college girl who's trying to find her sexuality... An asshole cunt that thinks being a slave is just a little role-playing!!! The kind of bitch that thinks she can manipulate a man by giving him the kind of sex he likes. But above all, ... I HATE BLONDES!!!
— Miss Orchid to Vanessa the blonde Sexy Secretary, Orchid Garden part II
You have chosen to report a crime in progress. For theft, burglary, vandalism, or loitering press 'one.' For assault, reckless endangerment, rioting, or telemarketing press 'two.' For attempted murder, murder, attempted suicide, suicide, attempted spam, or actual spam, press three.
Make sure the plaid-haired dwarf ends up in an anti-magic dungeon cell. Put out an A.P.B. for Anti-Madeline, to be taken alive. Get Mimic and Doogan a medium-sized reward. Schedule a meeting for all our trusted agents. And never wear that shirt again.
Western Animation
Coop: Alright, you intergalactic snots! You busted up my car show!...
Jamie: Yeah!
Coop: You wrecked my friend's rides!...
Jamie: Yeah!
Coop: And you made me run half a block!
Jamie: Yeah-! [Record Needle Scratch] Half a block?
Mr. Diamond, aka Darryl "The Dying" Diamond is wanted for countless crimes: from Petty Theft to Necrocide! He has impersonated the handicapped, assaulted a donkey, graffiti'd the elderly, swallowed gum, and-
—Jared, Superjail!
We've fought evil ninjas, evil robots, evil monsters... but cancelling my Saturday Morning Cartoons?! That's the evillest evil ever!
Impossible! You cannot defeat me! You are not worthy! You are inferior! And your joke stinks!
— Thundercracker, Transformers: Animated
That's 522 wallets, 391 purses, 912 gold coins, and a yo-yo!
"I'm all alone! Adrift at sea!" (Beat) "Without breakfast."
— Owen, Total Drama Island, "Camp Castways"
Pony: We could... kidnap Gerry.
Annie: (Off-screen) No, Pony.
Pony: Tie Gerry to the railroad tracks?
Annie: (Off-screen) No, leave Gerry alone.
Pony: We'll kidnap Heston.
Annie: Stop kidnapping people!
— It's Pony, "Cop Mom"
You smashed me into a limbless cloud, you trapped me in your bubble-dungeon, and you called me 'cute'!
— Peridot, Steven Universe, "Catch and Release"
Perry the Platypus!? The Disintevaporator?! My golf clubs?! I don't even play golf!
— Dr. Doofenshmirtz upon realizing that he has accidentally brought his nemesis and his device that disintegrates things along with him. And his golf clubs, Phineas and Ferb
Junk! Dirt! Rodeo Rita!note
— Mrs Cramp, The Cramp Twins
Frankie: Grandma, [Lil' Lincoln's] a crook! He locked us in the closet!
Mac: He sold all the imaginary friends to make money and he's gonna turn Foster's into a casino!
Mr. Herriman: He made me be his maid! (sniff) Called me his "first lady".
Mac: He sold all the imaginary friends to make money and he's gonna turn Foster's into a casino!
Mr. Herriman: He made me be his maid! (sniff) Called me his "first lady".
— Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, "Emancipation Complication"
It looks like some of our candidates have been found guilty of bribery, blackmail, and murder!...Sorry, not murder. I meant, operating a zeppelin on school premises.
— Ms. Fowl, The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius, "Jimmy for President"
Plankton: Krabs!? What the barnacle is going on here!?
SpongeBob: It's your arch-competitor, Krabs! His goal in life is to steal our Krabby Patty secret formula and ruin our restaurant!
Plankton: That's terrible!
SpongeBob: Yeah! But the worst part of it is...
(Krabs lands next to them as clothed as Plankton normally is)
Plankton: GOOD GRIEF, HE'S NAKED!
SpongeBob: It's your arch-competitor, Krabs! His goal in life is to steal our Krabby Patty secret formula and ruin our restaurant!
Plankton: That's terrible!
SpongeBob: Yeah! But the worst part of it is...
(Krabs lands next to them as clothed as Plankton normally is)
Plankton: GOOD GRIEF, HE'S NAKED!
Real Life
If gays are granted rights, next we'll have to give rights to prostitutes and to people who sleep with St. Bernards and to nail biters.
— Anita Bryant, scourge of Sodom
"Demarco Harris was found guilty of felony murder, armed robbery, and felony firearm and curfew violation."
— Gabriel Falcon, "Fate of 12-year-old killer?" from AC360° on CNN.com
" from AC360° on CNN.com"...on Telephone Scatologia, Necrophilia, Zoophilia, Urophilia, Coprophilia, and Partialism... Partialism... characterized as sexually arousing fantasies, urges and sexual behaviors with an exclusive focus on part of the (human) body..."
— The DSM Diagnostic Criteria for Paraphilia Not Otherwise Specified, MP Kafka
Grand Larceny: 4 points. We use this as a catchall for players being involved in crime so outrageous and well-planned it can only be described as 'nefarious', 'professional' or 'legislation'.
— The scoring rules for the Fulmer Cup
for the Fulmer CupThat's how you recognize communists: they're insane, possessed by the devil, eat children, and what's more, they lack objectiveness.
— French humorist Pierre Desproges on communists.
The evil is in the White House at the present time. And that evil is a man who has no care and no concern for the working class of America and the future generations of America, and who likes to ride a horse.
— US House Speaker Tip O'Neill, on President Ronald Reagan.
WARNING: This program contains monsters, nudity, gorillas, violence and wrestlers!
— The disclaimer on the back of the DVD box for Something Weird Video's Extra Weird Sampler.
I’ve noticed a lot of cute little ghosts, goblins, and Taylor Swifts walking up and down my road.
— Disastercake, in the Halloween 2015 blog update
With one tweet, Trump can change headlines on cable news, move financial markets or cause world leaders to worry. With one tweet last week, Trump inflamed a conflict with China. With another tweet on Tuesday, Trump caused Boeing stock to plummet. With a third on Wednesday night, Trump prompted a series of threatening calls to the home of a union leader who had called him a liar.
— Jenna Johnson of The Washington Post, in This is what happens when Donald Trump attacks a private citizen on Twitter
I would say that a modernist in government is an anarchist and Bolshevik; in science he is an evolutionist; in business he is a Commmunist; in art a futurist; in music his name is jazz; and in religion an atheist and infidel
— M. E. Dodd of Louisiana, in Christian Index (1925)
There were of course catastrophic misjudgments, too: Rolling Stone infamously put one of the terrorists behind the Boston Marathon bombings on the cover in a glamour-boy pose...It also published a laughably, shockingly shoddy piece of journalism alleging to detail the case of a rape at the University of Virginia, a piece of non-journalism that turned out to be something much closer to pure fiction, one for which the magazine has already lost one defamation suit and has been obliged to settle with another party for more than $1 million. The damage to Rolling Stone’s bottom line could have been worse; the damage to its reputation could hardly have. The high-minded magazine also once fired a guy for writing a negative review of a Hootie and the Blowfish record. Rank those transgressions as you will.
— Kevin Williamson of National Review Online, on Rolling Stone
, on Rolling StoneJohn Bloodsworth has been charged with aggravated abuse of a child resulting in physical/mental injuries, disorderly intoxication and swimming within 300 feet of the pier.
— Alfred Joyner of Newsweek, in Florida Man Throws 5-year-old Son Into Atlantic Ocean to Teach Him How to Swim, Says He's 'Going to Jail for Being Awesome'
The cases against Muhammad Morsi, now in their sixth year, long ago took on the air of a Kafka novel. Every few weeks Egypt’s only democratically elected president, deposed in a coup in 2013, would appear in court to answer one charge or another. He was accused of espionage and torture, and of stealing livestock.
, now in their sixth year, long ago took on the air of a Kafka novel. Every few weeks Egypt’s only democratically elected president, deposed in a coup in 2013, would appear in court to answer one charge or another. He was accused of espionage and torture, and of stealing livestock.— Muhammad Morsi, Egypt’s only democratic ruler, dies in court, article in The Economist published on 20 June 2019.
, article in The Economist published on 20 June 2019.2020 is so fucking surreal like it started off with all of australia burning & a potential 3rd world war, then a worldwide pandemic is forcing everyone to stay home and now there’s another twilight book
— Tumblr user bellas-strawberyshampoo on current events as of May 2020
on current events as of May 2020There are ongoing debates as to whether Sharia is compatible with democracy, human rights, freedom of thought, women's rights, LGBT rights, and banking.
[Enid Blyton] is known to have been a racist, sexist, homophobe and not a very well-regarded writer.
—The Royal Mint on rejecting the proposition of a 50p coin commemorating Blyton
The “syndrome”, or pattern of interrelated traits, of the totalitarian dictatorship consists of an ideology, a single party typically led by one man, a terroristic police, a communications monopoly, a weapons monopoly, and a centrally directed economy.
—Carl J. Friedrich and Zbigniew Brzezinski, Totalitarian Dictatorship and Autocracy
”When history textbooks leave out the Arawaks, they offend Native Americans. When they omit the possibility of African and Phoenician precursors to Columbus, they offend African Americans. When they glamorize explorers such as de Soto just because they were white, our histories offend all people of color. When they leave out Las Casas, they omit an interesting idealist with whom we all might identify. When they glorify Columbus, our textbooks prod us toward identifying with the oppressor. When textbook authors omit the causes and process of European world domination, they offer us a history whose purpose must be to keep us unaware of the important questions. Perhaps worst of all, when textbooks paint simplistic portraits of a pious, heroic Columbus, they provide feel-good history that bores everyone.”
—James W. Loewen, Lies My Teacher Told Me
