Blog / Things Mr. Welch Is No Longer Allowed to Do in an RPG

Dwarf Bard Rjägnjär Hjëllstjürm. (#629: Just because they are all into rock, metal and axes, dwarves are not all headbangers.)

"If given a choice of options, always take the crazy one. Nobody ever plans for crazy."

—Mr. Welch answering a question at Con-Jour II about roleplaying

Things Mr. Welch Is Not Allowed to Do in an RPG is Exactly What It Says on the Tin - a list of things Mr. Welch, poster boy for The Loonie, has been banned from doing in Tabletop Games. It is long (2,595 items at last count), imaginative, full of Defied Tropes (as in the Game Masters doing the defying to him), and often really funny.

The original list of 25 debuted in 2005 on a Livejournal entry by TheGlen, but has since been updated every few weeks in blocks of 25. According to the author, the list contains jokes related to over 50 different roleplaying games, the majority of which regard the various editions of Dungeons & Dragons. Other games that appear frequently include the Star Wars tabletop games, Deadlands, Cyberpunk 2020, 7th Sea, Werewolf: The Apocalypse, Æon Trinity, Iron Claw, Iron Kingdoms, Robotech, and GURPS.

Read the full list here:

• Numbers 1 - 500
• Numbers 501 - 1000
• Numbers 1001 - 1500
• Numbers 1501 - 2000
• Numbers 2001 - 2500
• Numbers 2501 - 2550
• Numbers 2526 - 2550
• Numbers 2551 - 2570
• Numbers 2576 - 2595
• If you want to see it broken down by game system, start here or here and click the right arrow. In some cases, this reveals jokes that wouldn't otherwise be obvious.

Compare Skippy's List, "Things Runs-Like-Hell is not allowed to do in the Garou Nation" (which is Werewolf: The Apocalypse specific). It turns out Skippy and Mr. Welch knew each other in real life but didn't know that each of them had written these lists they were both fans of until they were invited to attend a convention together.

Compare and contrast the Evil Overlord List, which is more about becoming Genre Savvy. Another, earlier list by Mr. Welch can be found here: 100 Ways to Annoy War Gamers.

---

Tropes:

A-E

• Abhorrent Admirer:
  461. Tasha's Uncontrollably Hideous Sister is not a real spell.
• Abnormal Ammo:
  601. If we run out of cannonballs armadillos will not do in a pinch.
  616. Even if they are the same clichéd acid for blood aliens, can't load my shotgun with baking powder.
  798. Not allowed to use guppies as buckshot.
  1695. Can't load the shotgun just with rock salt because I'm feeling mean.
  1815. Can't have a gun capable of using other PC's as ammo.
  2016. While extremely cool, my superhero needs something more than just a gun that fires badgers at people.
  2076. If I'm commissioned to build an artillery gun, they don't mean a gun that fires howitzers.
• Absurd Phobia:
  2369. If the villain doesn't have a phobia of the blue footed boobie, I can't give him one.
  2386. There is no such thing as gnomeophobia.

  2387. I will not give anybody an unreasonable fear of gnomes.
• Absurdly Sharp Blade: Requires a blade.
  591. Defibrillators do not allow me the use of the Cleave feat.^note (This is odd, since the name of the Cleave feat is slightly non-indicative; it works just fine with any physical weapon. {Touch spells or spells in general, not so much.})
  1372. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot have a monofilament sledgehammer.
• Absurdly Spacious Sewer:
  2100. No matter how big these sewers seem to be, we aren't finding a Shipley's Donuts down here.
• Action Girl: Cannot be the sole criterion for dating.
  1310. I will pick my character's girlfriend based on something more than how much fire support she can provide.
• Adam and Eve Plot/People Farms:
  1874. Even if elves are a dying race, can't start a forced breeding program.
• Added Alliterative Appeal: Averted. At least for the one-letter variant.
  711. If almost all the words in my character's background start with the same letter, he's vetoed.
• Against My Religion:
  222. Druids are not against my religion.
  1902. Playing a Gamorrian doesn't violate anybody's religion.^note In the Star Wars franchise, a Gamorrean (spelling checked on WookieePedia) is a pig-like alien, so this is likely a reference to how Jews and Muslims cannot eat pork.
• Alien Blood:
  1477. If I'm playing an alien, I can't have alkaline for blood.
• All Animals Are Dogs:
  2355. Can't bribe a dragon with belly rubs.
• All Anime Is Naughty Tentacles:
  1601. Cephalopods do not get bonuses to attack Japanese women.
• All Just a Dream:
  598. Any adventure that ends up with my character being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be.
  1007. That whole Expedition to the Barrier Peaks? Dream Sequence.
• All Men Are Perverts:
  482. No uploading porn to my CO's HUD.

  483. No downloading porn from my CO's HUD.
  695. Buying the Elf Babe a trampoline and telling her it boosts her Dexterity isn't fooling anybody.
• All Monks Know Kung-Fu:
  2348. I will stop asking the Jesuit to teach me kung fu moves.
• All Women Love Shoes:
  877. Even if I am playing a chick, I can't spend all my starting cash on shoes.
  2441. My Rogue Trader's crew will notice if she left out Savior Pods to make room for a bigger shoe closet.
• Always Identical Twins:
  1999. The evil twin flaw doesn't count if he's fraternal.
• Ambiguous Gender/Elfeminate:
  550. Dwarves can indeed tell the difference between their genders.
  1207. There is no such thing as "ambiguously elven".
  1218. Elves do not have to go to the bathroom in groups.
  1418. The Elvish language is not just English with a hell of a lot of lisping.
  1474. The concept of puberty is not alien to the elves.
  1689. 1/3 of the elf homeland's GDP does not go to hair care products.
  1720. Contrary to popular opinion, the girdle of masculinity/femininity does have a noticeable effect on elves.
  1850. There is also an elven word for "heterosexual".
  1932. I will stop telling people the elf is openly fey.
  1953. A lifetime subscription to Cosmo is not an elven racial bonus.
  2030. Elves do not get a racial bonus to the skill Trade: Interior Design.
  2373: The name for a group of elves is not the fagot.
• An Arm and a Leg:
  1769. I can't disarm the monk. At least not literally.
  2202. When I take watch, everybody must wake up with the same number of limbs as they went to sleep with.
• Animal Motifs: For Mr. Welch, it's wombats.
  1342. There is no god of Wombats, no matter how much I pray.
  1646. I am not Wombatman.
  2102. I will not make any plan that hinges on the medicinal value of dire wombats.
• Animal-Themed Superbeing:
  2063. Despite Hawkman, Batman, Antman and Spiderman, Red Snapperman is not a legitimate superhero name.
• Animals Hate Him:
  971. I cannot take the flaw Enemy: Random packs of wild dogs.
• Antidisestablishmentarianism:
  129. Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism.
  701. Cannot take the moniker "the Hyperpolysyllabicsesquipedalinist."
• Arbitrary Weapon Range: Enforced by this item:
  868. I cannot have a gun with an area of effect larger than its range.
• Archaic Weapon for an Advanced Age: Inverted.
  2117. I will not buy skills for weapons that don't exist yet.
• A Real Man Is a Killer:
  1336. Even if we are told to pick a manly name for the game, Genocidicles is a bit much.
• Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking:
  207. The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.
• Artistic License – Engineering:
  2352. Can't clear out the dungeon with just engineering checks.
• As Lethal as It Needs to Be:
  71. There is no 'annoy' setting on a phaser.
  328. I cannot keep my phaser on disintegrate just because it's the coolest setting.
  1138. Fireballs don't have a non-lethal option. I will ponder this after I've cast one at that guy we needed alive.
  1989. Can't set the Death Star to stun.
• Ass Shove:
  150. Not allowed to create recreational drugs in suppository format.
  520. Under no circumstances is my medical droid allowed a groin mounted rectal thermometer.
• Attack Its Weak Point:
  176. I cannot make called shots to the plectrum, anvil, stirrup, hammer or Isle of Langerhans.
  388. Pursue means chase after, not just make called shots to the knees.
  517. I cannot make called shots to their self esteem.
  563. I can't make anyone Jewish with a called shot.
  682. Can't make a called shot with a flamethrower.
  731. No matter how many called shots to the neck I make, I'm still not going to cause a cool pyrotechnics display.
  2028. Even if the rules allow it, a called shot to the eyes with a sledgehammer isn't very practical.
  2312. You can only make so many called shots to the groin until it's an alignment check.
• Attack of the 50-Foot Whatever:
  2004. Just because I took the large advantage does not let me rampage through Tokyo at will.
• Attack Reflector:
  2043. If I knock out Ryu while I'm blocking, it's time to retire the character.
• Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!:
  1091. In the middle of a Black Ops, if a character dies I will not disavow knowledge of him until after the mission is over.
  1155. Thri-keen do not have the flaw Obsession: Pretty lights.
• Awesome McCoolname: Invoked.
  1336. Even if we are told to pick a manly name for the game, Genocidicles is a bit much.
  1579. No one in the party gets to name their character Kurgen McAsskicker.
• Ax-Crazy: On a number of occasions.
  11. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades.
  240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed.
  416. I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm.
  417. The solution to all my problems is not Crinos.
  652. My fighter cannot take the flaw: Addiction - stabbing things.
  680. My axe doesn't go off accidentally when I'm cleaning it.
  1015. Despite what the rules say, berserking does not improve my aim.^note While berserking doesn't explicitly improve the berserk character's aim, it does do so implicitly. A barbarian's rage improves his/her Strength and Dexterity, which improve the accuracy of melee and ranged attacks, respectively. Barbarian rage does not impose a penalty to the barbarian's attack rolls to compensate for the improved stats; thus, according to the rules as written, berserking does improve a character's aim.
  1912. No more surprise parties for the berserker.
  2214. Deer hunting season is restricted to rifles or bows, not brass knuckles.
  • There's also a few things he's done that are downright psychotic (but typically all the more hilarious for it):
    1889. Slapping a meltabomb on the Emperor's Children marine and putting his resulting efforts to get it off on YouTube gets me a Corruption Point.
• Backup Twin:
  1436. In case of premature termination, the dungeon boss has an identical twin brother on standby.
• Bad Powers, Bad People:
  1041. Doesn't matter if I'm just using to spot weld, force lightning still gets me a dark side point.
• Bad Powers, Good People:
  460. I'd better have a real good excuse for being a Necromancer if I'm Lawful Good.
• Banana in the Tailpipe:
  1061. In the middle of a Black Ops I do not have time to put a banana in the exhaust port of their AV-9.
• Barbie Doll Anatomy:
  1369. Elves do too have nipples.
• Battle Cry:
  64. My paladin's battle cry is not "Good for the Good God".
  74. My thief's battle cry is not "Run And Live".

  75. Nor is it "You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps".
  317. My battlecry is not 'Now young Skywalker you will die'.
  355. My monk's battlecry is not "Round 1: Fight!"
  420. "For the King" is an example of a good battle cry. "Smoke the Mother" is not.
  485. My Mossad agent's battlecry is not "Torah, Torah, Torah".
  490. Quoting Bob Dobbs while charging into battle is unusual. Quoting Bob Newhart is right out. Quoting Bob Dillan is just silly.
  909. Dual wielding spike chains does not let me use the battlecry "DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!"
  991. "Kiww the Wabbit" is not a proper viking battlecry.
  1011. Even if we are facing Yuan Ti, my battlecry cannot be "COBRA!"
• Bavarian Fire Drill: He tried it, but he appears to have missed the point...
  1540. Can't lure out House Laio mechwarriors by announcing a Chinese Firedrill.
• Beard of Evil:
  1382. Growing a goatee will not give me a bonus for sneaking into the villain's lair.
• Beast of Battle:
  2001. A Saber tooth tiger is not an acceptable second in a duel.
• Beethoven Was an Alien Spy:
  1918. No using the time machine to give Nostradamus a sneak peek at the future. Again.
• BFG:
  29. I cannot have any gun that requires me to continue the damage code on back.
  112. If the gun can't fit through the x-ray machine, it doesn't go on the plane.
  192. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it.
  217. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can't have it.
  393. If I can fit my head down the gun's barrel, I can assume it doesn't have the non-lethal option.^note Schlock Mercenary actually has one... A "goober" gun, with sticky ammo that could dissolve in spots to make sure the target's mouth was unblocked for breathing; used for immobilization efforts. An uplifted gorilla was able to stick his head down the barrel, and described it as "On a cold night, you could take a bath[.]" It's still not a good idea to give one to Mr. Welch, though.
  589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it's vetoed if that's the Richter scale.
  868. I cannot have a gun with an area of effect larger than its range.
  1144. I cannot have any gun that lets me kill the villain without being in at least an adjacent county.
  1216. I can't have a gun that treats buildings as light cover.
  1587. There is no way the Iteration X mage is going to make it through airport security.
  1666. If if takes more than five minutes for the debris to stop falling, I need to pick a smaller gun.
  2003. Any gun whose damage is best described in scientific notation is vetoed.
  2067. Can't have a gun that can inflict lethal damage with just the bullet's windshear.
• Bestiality Is Depraved: Defied.
  2153. The "fur" and "lust" domains shall never meet.
• Big Bad Friend/Vitriolic Best Buds:
  1444. My Ally advantage and Arch Enemy flaw can't both represent the same person.
• Bilingual Bonus:
  10. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn't mean the GM can.
  140. The Dutch language does not exist in the Forgotten Realms.
• Bishie Sparkle:
  988. David Bowie cannot cast glitterdust at will. This issue is also closed.^note (See Fan Disservice below for the first issue that was closed.)
• Black Magic:
  880. Searching the dead PC for spell components is ok. Using him for spell components is not.
• Blatant Lies:
  1023. The bluff skill is no substitute for actually knowing the spell.
  1179. No matter how well I make my bluff check, the Star Destroyer crew isn't going to believe I'm the new captain.
  1818. Can't make a bluff check to convince the monster I actually hit him.
• Bloody Murder:
  616. Even if they are the same clichéd acid for blood aliens, can't load my shotgun with baking powder.
• Boom, Headshot!:
  2066. Snipers don't appreciate their spotter yelling out "BOOM HEADSHOT!"
• Bondage Is Bad:
  28. The Goddess of Marriage's chosen weapon is not the whip.^note (As a comment so helpfully points out, the GM was wrong about this one. It is in fact a whip.)
  302. A gimp suit does not count as leather armor.
  1904. Prepping for the adventure means memorizing spells and buying gear, not coming up with a safety word.
• Boob-Based Gag:
  2232. When discussing examples of target sizes, there will be no mention of areolas.
• Bottomless Bladder:
  1185. Paladins do too urinate.
• Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick:
  309. I cannot cast invisibility on random household items like car keys, tea sets, and bear traps.
• Breaking the Fourth Wall:
  1934. Breaking the fourth wall doesn't require a strength check.
• Bring My Brown Pants:
  287. When asked for advice before a fight "Don't wet yourself in public" is not what they were looking for.
  1345. I don't get a drama die just because the GM pees.
  2019. Even if the elf fails his willpower check, we don't need to change him.
  2195. "Bladder Control" is not an appropriate super hero power.
• Brick Joke: There are several examples.
  22. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy War Rhino.

  1284. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy Seeing Eye Rhino either.
  106. I do not have weapon proficiency in cat.

  345. I don't have weapon proficiency in elf, either.
  161. I will not nail every single female party member except for the elf chick played by that creepy guy.

  246. I cannot keep selling that creepy guy's always naked elf chick to nomads every chance I get.
  190. Duel wielding small animals is strictly forbidden.

  519. Dual wielding party members is also frowned upon.
  394. If the light spell expires, no lighting the dwarf.

  1638. Using the dwarf as a battering ram is expected. Other siege weapons not so much.

  2286. Can only pick two of the following for my character: dwarf berserker, battering ram, fireproof, light source.
  502. If my name isn't Grimlock, can't start every sentence with "Me Grimlock".

  516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock.
  1112. I will stop referring to the Eladrin as just the Elf Mk II.

  1379. I will not threaten to glue the old rules for gnomes over the new rules for Elves Mk II.

  2296. My gnome won't drunk call the Elf MkII that didn't make the cut in the new edition.
• Brown Note:
  1128. I cannot Rickroll people with any video that increases their Mythos Lore. ^note (Mythos Lore is generally inversely proportional to Sanity.)
• Bullet Catch:
  1446. Even if the rules allow it, can't catch bullets with my pecs.
• Bumper Sticker:
  432. Cannot put anything featuring Calvin on my starfighter.
• By "No", I Mean "Yes":
  1432. Using my prior knowledge of the adventure to force the game along, while encouraged, is discouraged.
• The Caligula:
  1762. If my character causes Camelot to look like King Lear he dies.
• Calling Your Attacks:
  640. There is a limit to the number of adjectives I can attach to an uppercut.
  1094. My wizard does not need to shout out the name of what he's summoning every time he picks a creature.
• Calvinball:
  781. My tribe's trial by combat ritual is not best described as "Calvinball with axes."
• Camp Straight:
  90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay.
• Captain Obvious:
  720. Don't have to include the line "And then stab them a lot" in the plan; it's already assumed.
• Car Fu:
  687. I cannot backstab anybody with a Buick Skylark.
  1789. Doesn't matter what the map says, can't drive a sports car through the villain's lair.
  • There's also an attempt at Train Fu:
    2192. The villain will eventually notice the train tracks are starting to point straight at his front door.
• Carry a Big Stick:
  1372. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot have a monofilament sledgehammer.
  2028. Even if the rules allow it, a called shot to the eyes with a sledgehammer isn't very practical.
• The Casanova/Really Gets Around:
  362. It is very unlikely my half-ogre and the half-elf, half-dragon, tiefling and aasimar have the same dad.
  1849. There is too an elven word for "monogamy".
  1908. No matter what the rules say, my psychotic racist character doesn't get a permanent persuasion bonus just because she puts out.
• Cast Full of Gay:
  1756. Despite what the module says, not every woman in this campaign is a closeted lesbian.
  1850. There is also an elven word for "heterosexual".
• Catapult to Glory:
  843. It doesn't matter how high his hit points or damage reduction are, we aren't sending the dwarf into battle via catapult.
• Cats Hate Water:
  2169. Can't use a water gun to make the Aslan follow orders.
  2344. Every time the catgirl fails a skill check, I won't spritz her with the water bottle as punishment.
• Celebrity Cameo:
  952. Kiefer Sutherland does not make numerous cameos in my character's background telling him he's destined for greatness.
  1199. Stan Lee does not have to make a cameo appearance in every single adventure.
• Chainsaw Good:
  240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed.
  618. No matter how much my humanity loss, a chainsaw is not a substitute for a bayonet.
• Character Alignment:invoked
  122. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal.
  218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.
  413. The Chaotic Neutral alignment is forever closed to me.
  460. I'd better have a real good excuse for being a necromancer if I'm lawful good.
  476. The alignment of 2 years olds is not automatically Neutral Evil.
  863. Even if there is no alignment in Traveller, giving feuding TL1 tribes TL12 weapons and putting the results on PPV is just wrong.
  1059. Even if the villain is Lawful Evil, slapping a cease-and-desist order on him isn't going to work.
  1420. Doing 50 in a 45 does not cause an alignment check for the paladin.
  1592. If the Solar cringes, it's time to reassess my alignment.
  1683. Killing the orc horde by drowning them all at once is heroic. Killing them by drowning them one at a time is an alignment check.
  1929. Ayn Rand has no effect on my alignment.
  2103. Even if he is Lawful Evil, the villain isn't going to respond to a jury summons.
  2312. You can only make so many called shots to the groin until it's an alignment check.
• Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys:
  637. German characters do not get a +4 racial bonus to intimidate French characters.
  1555. No matter how well I roll on my Intimidate check, France won't surrender.
• Cherry Tapping: Acceptable in and of itself, but...
  82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste.
• Chess with Death:
  1859. No challenging Death to a game of Tic-Tac-Toe until he gets bored and quits, ensuring my immortality.
  2309. If I challenge Death to a game, picking Campaign For North Africa doesn't ensure immortality.
  2383. When challenging Death to a game, GMing Paranoia doesn't grant immortality.
• Chronic Backstabbing Disorder:
  1816. The Druid doesn't have to change sides every time the tide changes.
• Church of Happyology:
  2260. My Qunari cannot join the Church of Giantology.
• Combat Medic: Plan A - don't get hurt.
  233. If I am the medtech it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine.
  271. Tracheotomies are best left to characters with skills in medicine.
  498. A firefight is not the best time to tell the party my Medtech has a fear of blood.
  520. Under no circumstances is my medical droid allowed a groin-mounted rectal thermometer.
  1159. If I don’t have any points in medtech, I can’t try faith healing.
  1349. I will not program the medical droid for "aggressive dentistry."
  1909. Combat boots don't give bonuses to CPR checks.
• Combat Pragmatist:
  80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol.
  194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.
  363. When challenged to a showdown, I'm meant to face him at 10 paces with pistols, not 10 blocks with a Sharpe's Big .50.
  633. When told to choose my weapon in a duel with the assassin, can't pick his weapon.
  692. The Dr. Jones School of Swordfighting is not an appropriate Swordsman's School.
  767. When challenged to a high noon shoot-out, that means in the time zone I'm currently in.
  1753. No challenging sleeping people to a duel.
  2339. When providing pistols for a duel, they both can't be fingerprint locked just to me.
• Combining Mecha:
  130. I am not authorized to form the head.
  1462. Dwarves do not have the racial ability to merge into a larger, more powerful dwarf.
• Companion Cube: There are limits.
  2209. My techpriest will refrain from developing emotional attachments to the ordnance.
• Complaining About Rescues They Don't Like:
  523. When I'm rescued the correct response is "thank you" not "took your freaking time!"
• Conservation of Ninjutsu:
  714. I do not get a bulk discount on ninjas.
• Conspicuously Public Assassination:
  1779. Using nuclear weapons in assassinations is just being lazy.
• Contagious Powers:
  950. The ability to give superpowers to characters is acceptable. Naming the character Captain Franchise is not.
• Contractual Boss Immunity:
  1062. Even if I think of something the Demi-lich isn't immune to, he's immune to it.^note As an undead, a demilich is subject to Revive Kills Zombie. This usually doesn't matter due to a demilich's phenomenal spell resistance and other defenses, but none of the demilich's spells or innate qualities provide any protection from a paladin's Healing Hands. (On the other hand, a paladin is limited in just how much damage they can heal (or deal to undead) per day with their Healing Hands, so a single paladin probably can't wipe out a demilich on their own unless their healing pool is unusually massive.)
  1790. Can't find the villain just by casting power word stun in the bar and seeing who's still standing.
• Cool and Unusual Punishment:
  604. If my alignment forbids torture, that includes Gnomish Poetry Slams.
• Counting Bullets:
  1528. I can't ask the bad guy if I fired 40,000 rounds or just 39,999.
• CPR: Clean, Pretty, Reliable: Minus the Clean, Pretty, and Reliable part, of course.
  1909. Combat boots don't give bonuses to CPR checks.
• Crazy Cat Lady:
  1632. I will not blow all my starting cash on just house cats.
• Creator's Pet: invokedKnows how to take advantage of them.
  1982. If the GM's pet NPC has tons of Plot Armor, can't use her for cover.
• Crippling Overspecialization:
  1480. I will not add the restriction "only to cook eggs" to any of my super powers.
  1723. My martial arts style is vetoed if it's just thirty different ways to hit a guy in the jewels.
• Crossover:
  21. No longer allowed to recreate the Death Star Trench Run out of genre.
  280. Thermonuclear hand grenades do not exist in any genre except Paranoia.
• Crowd Song:
  940. I will not abuse the Exemplary virtue to set up highly choreographed dance routines with random crowds.
• Cuteness Proximity:
  2053. If the GM is a woman, can't play a space otter to gain cute points.
• Cutting the Knot: To think outside of the box, it seems he cuts his way out with a chainsaw.
  367. No using excessive firepower to force the plot along.
  400. Check the door means to listen at it, not put several rounds through it.
  417. The solution to all my problems is not Crinos.
  580. A sledgehammer does not give any bonus to my search for secret doors roll.
  608. The answer to 'who's got point?' is not the fireball.
  694. Search the old castle means enter it, not level it with artillery and dig through the rubble.
  840. Even if it would have immediately solved the last six adventures, I won't throw dynamite in every well I come across.
  1019. Even if we have more ammo than fuel, I still have to cut down the tree with the chainsaw, not the HMG.
  1267. The lockpicking kit must be more than a sawed off shotgun.
  1439. If the top floor is too well defended, can't just blow off the next to top floor.
  1843. Can't land the drop pod on the villain.
  1845. I will use the security skill to open the door, even if it's easier to just rip it off its hinges.
  1907. No putting the villain's fake bio on Match.com and letting the stalkers do my work for me.
• Cybernetics Eat Your Soul:
  348. The rest of the party appreciates it if I don't start the game in Cyberpsychosis.
  369. Not supposed to stop the soon to be cyberpsycho by disassembling him earlier in the adventure.
  1515. The Pope does not have cyberpsychosis.
• Damsel in Distress: As if being a damsel in distress wasn't humiliating enough, Mr. Welch has a tendency to take away what little remains of their dignity.
  1151. Our mission is to rescue the princess. Not to bring Sexy back.
  1735. "Come here often?" is not what you say when rescuing the princess from the necromancer's dungeon.
• The Dandy:
  90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay.
• Dating Catwoman:
  1673. I will not start dating another character's archenemy.
• Dead Guy Puppet:
  813. Taking the orc warlord's skull as a trophy is acceptable. Not as a hand puppet.
• Deader than Dead: He's been threatened with this penalty for some of his... exceptionally outlandish antics.
  552. If my character's drow wife finds I let my niece appear in a Gnomes Gone Wild Video, my death will not even warrant a saving throw.
  2032. If I ever trick the DM into telling us the only way to make money mining is to work the shaft, all my characters die. Not just in this game either.
• Deadpan Snarker:
  2072. Power Word Sarcasm is not a real spell.
• Deal with the Devil:
  1570. No signing infernal contracts in disappearing ink.
  1597. Devils don't appreciate natural 20's on a bargain check.
• Defied Trope/Enforced Trope: The GMs to what he does. (We're not putting examples here because we'd pretty much just be copy-pasting the rest of this page.)
• Deliberately Bad Example: Mr. Welch is this to the standard role player, and even by murderhobo/chaotic-player-seeking-fun-at-any-cost standards he is occasionally taking it too far.
  1683. Killing the orc horde by drowning them all at once is heroic. Killing them by drowning them one at a time is an alignment check.
• Despair Event Horizon: Caused one in the players themselves.
  1903. No ruining the game by informing the DM the Yellow Power Ranger is dead.
• Destination Defenestration:
  272. No skill allows specializing in defenestration.
• Depraved Dentist:
  2178. Despite what you think, the profession: Dentist can't substitute for the interrogation skill.
• Did We Just Have Tea with Cthulhu?: The DM does not recommend invoking this trope.
  1327. Just because the Great Race of Yith’s effect on sanity is minimal, doesn’t mean I should invite them over for dinner with the folks.
• Did You Just Flip Off Cthulhu?:
  411. It is bad form to shoot a god while he's monologuing.
  1513. I will not shoot a Great Old One just to say I did it.
• Did You Just Punch Out Cthulhu?:
  1421. Gods don't tap out.
• Digital Piracy Is Evil: Exploited.
  1206. In the middle of a Black Ops I can't download several thousand songs on the target's computer and then call the RIAA.
• Dire Beast:
  163. Not allowed to try and make a dire version of any dog of the toy breeds.
• Distracted by the Sexy:
  2134. Before resorting to burlesque, we will explore all other options on how to sneak past the security camera.
• Divide by Zero:
  1871. No tricking the techpriest into dividing by zero.
• Dodgeball Is Hell:
  277. My half-ogre cannot surprise the halflings with spontaneous games of dodgeball.
• Doppelgänger Spin:
  1501. I will not take the mirror image spell literally and just shoot the wizard that's not left-handed.
• Double Entendre:
  45. My character names are not allowed to be double entendres.
  2032. If I ever trick the DM into telling us the only way to make money mining is to work the shaft, all my characters die. Not just in this game either.
  2370. I will keep the amount of sexual innuendos to a minimum in the autopsy report.
• Dreadful Musician:
  52. My bard does not know how to play Inna Godda Davida on marachas.
  139. My bard is required to take levels in the perform skill and cannot 'just play by ear'.
  202. Character descriptions cannot contain two of the following words: Slavic, Tonedeaf, Karaoke, Musician.
  1028. My character has mastery level in singing. I do not.
• Drench Celebration:
  • In Mr. Welch's list of 100 Ways to Annoy Wargamers, #48 is dumping a glass of Gatorade on your commander model when you win.
  • Some of Welch's spins on this trope are downright frightening:
    963. After critting with a cannon, we can't dump a barrel of gunpowder over the gunner's mate.
    1733. Dousing a character in beer is acceptable after a victory. Then setting him on fire is not.
• Driven to Suicide: Apparently, this happens far too easily.
  316. My character is not allowed to commit suicide five minutes into the campaign.
• Drop the Cow: Attempted and shot down.
  1549. The totalitarian government tends to notice large purchases of cows, trebuchets and surveying gear.
• Dungeon Bypass: A good number of the entries on the list. These include but are certainly not limited to...
  38. When investigating evil cultists not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside.
  50. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs' cave instead of exploring it first.
  694. Search the old castle means enter it, not level it with artillery and dig through the rubble.
  1661. Cleaning out the dungeon means more than just backing up a cement truck to the window.
  1715. Can't just wizard lock the villain's throne room and come back in two weeks after he's starved to death.^note Granted, this isn't very likely to work if the villain is magically inclined...
  2096. We aren't looking at the various kingdoms' tax rates before deciding where to dungeon crawl.
  2114. I can't clear out a dungeon by just throwing a ball down the entrance and telling the Nomad warjack to fetch.
  2470. If ordered to see if anybody is in a building, no setting it on fire and seeing if anybody runs out.
• Dungeonmaster's Girlfriend: Apparently the cause of strife more than once.
  421. I will not convince the GM's noob GF to play a psychotic combat monster.
  435. No bribing the DM's new GF with chocolate so he'll go easy on us.
  1066. If the GM's wife is in the party, I'm not allowed to hunt anything cute.
  1347. Hooking up with the gamer chick the Storyteller was angling for gets me banned from the game.
  1905. No nailing the GM's girlfriend's character.
  • It works in favor of the players as well:
    2077. If I abandon the game for alone time with my fiance, my PC dies. Ask me if I freaking care.

    2078. Just because the DM prefers D&D to alone time with a smoking hot fiance doesn't mean the party gets to question his gender preference.
• Dug Too Deep:
  2376. The Dwarven work ethic is not just "Dig until we hit evil."
• Dynamic Entry: Uh, nope.
  2192. The villain will eventually notice the train tracks are starting to point straight at his front door.
• Dysfunction Junction:
  690. Mordenkainen's Dysfunctional Family is not a real spell.
• The Easy Way or the Hard Way: He tends to get them mixed up.
  1633. If Plan A was 'Beat it out of him', Plan B can't be 'Just ask nicely'.
• Eat Me:
  2093. Can't trick the dragon into swallowing a shrunken dire porcupine and then ending the spell while he swallows.
• Elmuh Fudd Syndwome:
  991. "Kiww the Wabbit" is not a proper viking battlecry.
• Enemy to All Living Things:
  688. Even if the rules allow it, my Paladin cannot have the flaw: Hatred- All living things.
• Epic Fail:
  1708. No bringing up the time we were nearly TPK'd by a jerboa.
  • Someone else provided an example in the comments:
    If you attack a whale with a shotgun and miss, from the inside, you probably should re-roll your character.
• Epic Flail:
  1139. My weapon is a +3 Flaming Flail. Not my Great Balls of Fire.
• Epileptic Flashing Lights:
  1188. Flash Bangs are not to be handed out to trick or treaters.
  2231. The spell is called Dancing Lights, not Detect Epilepsy.
• Establishing Character Moment: The very first entry lets you know just what sort of person Mr. Welch is.
  1. Cannot base characters off The Who's drummer Keith Moon.
• Even Evil Has Standards:
  231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry.
  • He also seems to have a particular dislike for pedophiles:
    1520. I will tell the noobs the storyteller wasn't joking about kicking people in the jewels for macking on Jailbait.
    1665. I will not forget to uncuff the pedophile from outside the car before driving back to the station.
    1823. Despite what you'd think, taking out a child molester with extreme prejudice doesn't restore my humanity.
• Every Bullet is a Tracer:
  545. No going 100% tracer round on the HMG just because I like the pretty colors.
• Every Car Is a Pinto:
  1482. Even if Detroit can do it, I can't add the trait "Randomly bursts into flame" to my car.
• Everything Makes a Mushroom: Especially his fireball spells.
  1606. If my fireballs always form a mushroom cloud, time to tone it down a bit.
• Everything's Deader with Zombies: Don't get bitten when he's around.
  27. I am not to shoot every corpse in the head to make sure they aren't a zombie in Twilight: 2000.
  443. Zombies are not infectious in D&D. So I should stop shooting PCs in the head if they are bitten.
• Evil Counterpart: Inverted.
  325. Even if he was a paragon of humanity in his alternate dimension, Good Hitler is not an appropriate superhero concept.
• Evil Lawyer Joke:
  931. There are no alignment restrictions on becoming a lawyer.
• Excuse Me While I Multitask:
  2033. Even if the rules allow it, I can't conduct a television interview and maintain a choke hold at the same time.
• Experience Points: Has more than a few ideas of how to earn more.
  108. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer.
  299. I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding sheep.
  358. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot make a character that gets double XP per game for showing up.
  530. I cannot earn bonus XP for 'catching air' with an MBT. So stop trying.
  643. Even if the rules allow it, I can't gain 1,000,000 XP with one forged check.
  676. My character's primary purpose in the party is not to just leech 1/6 of all the XP.
  809. I don't earn the bonus XP for a written background if it's just a summary of the plot to Dig-Dug.
  1132. There will be no more debating how much XP Mr. Tumnus would be worth.
  1177. I will stop asking NPCs how much XP they are worth.
  1215. If I'm just a few XP from 16th level, I can't just cast fireballs at random forests until I hit something.
  1678. I don't get any XP for anything I killed in a flashback.
  1690. I don't get double XP if I kill the monster with explosive decompression.
  2174. If another PC dies, no bonus xp for going through all 7 stages of grief before the end of the session.
• Expert in Underwater Basket Weaving: Exaggerated and overlapping with Master of None:
  5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills.
• Explosive Leash: More like "booby-trapped weapons", actually.
  1067. I do not get to put remote detonation switches into the weapons of any PC’s I build them for.
• Expy: The #1 entry prevents him from basing characters on Keith Moon.
  303. I cannot gradually describe my character more and more until it's obvious I'm describing Burt Reynolds.
  452. Not allowed to convince the entire party to base the group only off Gary Oldman characters.
  493. I will not base any Media character off Milo Bloom.
  1721. The minute the GM figures out my Inquisitor is Lennie Briscoe, he dies.
  2124. The DM will notice if the entire party is named after the Houston Texans offensive line.
  2157. Doesn't matter if we all have different costumes and names, the group is vetoed if it's clear we're all Thor.
• Extreme Omnisexual:
  1529. There is no such thing as a Thirty-Sevensexual.
• Extreme Omnivore: Besides his I'm a Humanitarian tendencies, Mr. Welch's characters like stretching the definition of "food".
  275. I must remember at dinner time Rock is not a dwarven delicacy.

  276. I must remember at dinner time Log is not an elven delicacy.

F-J

• Failed a Spot Check:
  722. Can't intentionally fail all my secret door checks so I don't have to play Tomb of Horrors again.
• Fan Disservice:
  366. Female minotaurs do not have udders. This issue is closed.
  1024. Slings make poor thongs. And vice versa.
  1278. An elf wardancer chick in nothing but body paint is totally hot. A Vesten berserker in nothing but body paint not so much.
  1283. For the last time, the elf wears the maid disguise and the troll wears the bouncer disguise.
  1328. The very concept of a Hutt lap dancer will earn me a dark side point.
  1378. We will limit the total amount of conversation on the topic of "Hot Gnome on Gnome action."
  1813. My troll's biography will not include the phrase 'sweet, sweet love'.
  2163. Before starting an underwear clad pillow fight, I must first make sure the party is not all dwarves.
• Fanon Discontinuity: invoked
  1297. There is a 100xp penalty every time we remind the GM of the Bionic Six.
  1559. Any mention of Life Day gets everybody a dark side point.
• Fantastic Race Weapon Affinity: Played for Laughs in some entries, mostly stating that a given race or culture does not, in fact, have a racial proficiency in some absurd or highly specific weapon.
• Fartillery:
  177. Stinking Cloud is a privilege, not a right.
  1812. Not using any emission from the barbarian as flamethrower fuel.
• Fat Bastard:
  53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.
• Fearless Fool:
  374. I am not to combine the advantage Fearless and the disadvantage Curious in the same character again.
• Fence Painting:
  592. No matter how well I roll, other PCs cannot be haggled into paying me to perform errands for me.
• Fetish:
  2009. I will make sure when the GM asks what my fetish is if he means voodoo bag or brunettes with short hair.
• Flipping the Bird:
  862. Bigby's Offensive Finger is not a real spell.
• Fluffy Tamer:
  2113. I can't saddle break: A dire troll, a Kodiak warjack, or the Butcher.
• Foreign Cuss Word: Not banned in and of itself, but...
  2407. I can't save points on learning a new language by just learning only the profanity.
• Football Hooligans:
  512. The nationality of my favorite soccer team does not add to my Brawl Skill.
• Frameup: Mr. Welch is fond of adding insult to injury on black-ops missions.
  266. At the end of a black-ops, I cannot crank call C-SWAT on the target's phone.
  1206. In the middle of a Black Ops I can't download several thousand songs on the target's computer and then call the RIAA.
  • Of course, Mr. Welch doesn't limit invoking this trope to black-ops missions:
    482. No uploading porn to my CO's HUD.
• Fridge Logic:invoked
  1355. Pointing out the massive plothole in the villain's plan is not going to stop her from attacking.
• Full-Boar Action: Not allowed anymore.
  93. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again.
• Full-Frontal Assault:
  554. Even though armor gives him no benefit, my monk still has to wear something.
  1278. An elf wardancer chick in nothing but body paint is totally hot. A Vesten berserker in nothing but body paint not so much.
  1768. My monk can't convince the bad guys to go streaking with him just so they're easy to beat up later.
• Gag Penis: Possibly implied.
  301. "Well Hung" is not a physical, social or mental trait.
  1367. Gnomes are not nature's tripods.
• Game-Breaker: Numerous times In-Universe.
  69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.
  1452. Despite its phenomenal success rate, a multi-melta is not the solution to all my problems.
  2082. No matter how successful, our party has to be more than a wizard and 5 pikemen.
• Gameplay and Story Segregation: Subverted.
  360. I must remind the GM that my Blessed can Raise Dead before he runs another murder mystery again.
• Gangsta Style: The page quote.
  1033. Holding the hand crossbow sideways 'gangsta style' does not add to my intimidate check.
• Gargle Blaster:
  2047. Dwarven ale does not double as jet fuel, industrial solvent or colic medicine.
• Gatling Good:
  160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds.
  1257. No, the answer to the problem is not to make a gatling gun out of bazookas.
  1722. No building a Gatling Gatling gun.
  2104. They don't make civilian models of chain guns.
• Gender Bender: Restricted to male or female.
• Gender-Blender Name:
  2011. There is no easy way to tell a guy he named his genetically engineered uber space Mongolian after Genghis Khan's wife.
• Genius Ditz: Mr. Welch knows a myriad of ways to bypass the dungeon, can take advantage of the rules in multiple ways, is apparently skilled enough to get a whole lot of damage out of his weapons/spells, is implied to be smart enough to solve most plots in a matter of minutes, can wish his way past any genie, and is incredibly Genre Savvy and capable of easily solving grand plots. He is also a huge loonie who has strange ideas about ammo, is completely Ax-Crazy, seems to think that all elves are gay (and holds a grudge against them), has a near-pathological need to derail games, and is quite happy to eat anything the party comes across, including dead party members. Basically, the only defense a GM has against him is Rule Zero and the List.
• Genius Bruiser:
  181. I cannot quote Shakespeare in Crinos.
  2180. Even if I can justify a Viking with a maxed out legal skill, that doesn't give him a law degree. ^note This is actually Truth in Television, as the Vikings had an incredibly advanced legal system for their time. However, given that they were a culture of Blood Knights, they tended to reserve their legal system for petty disputes and used Trial by Combat to decide major cases.
  2525. I will stop putting all my Ogryn's XP into buying advanced mathematics skills.
• Genki Girl/Keet: This seems to be how he plays elves.
  48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure.
• Genre Savvy: For his GMs, at least.
  336. Cannot start a Cthulu character with a pre-existing hatred of books, altars and cutlery.
  840. Even if it would have immediately solved the last six adventures, I won't throw dynamite in every well I come across.
  977. Disable plot device is not a real skill.
  1046. We can't stabilize the dying villain before we make our escape just in case he was a load bearing villain.
• Giant Flyer:
  2122. The reason elves live in forests is not to protect them from eagles that swoop down and grab them up.
• Girl on Girl Is Hot:
  1366. I will not use the mass suggestion spell to make the elf babes to make out.
• The GM Is a Cheating Bastard: A lot of the entries on the list imply that the GM Mr. Welch plays with is this, and some of the rules are there to keep him from wrecking campaigns.
  2056. Can't stealthfully follow the villainous wizard and backstab him every time he tries to cast a spell, even if every rogue in the world does it to our wizard.
• GMPC: Mr. Welch refuses to give these any respect.
  13. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are.
  832. I will not run up my bar tab and then skip out leaving the DM's super NPC to foot the bill.
  1982. If the GM's pet NPC has tons of Plot Armor, can't use her for cover.
• Go Mad from the Revelation: Or from witnessing pure depravity, apparently.
  2357. 4chan does not cause more sanity loss than Cthulhu.
• A God Is You:
  158. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells.
  169. I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of fertility.
  575. Even if I'm a near immortal demi-god with the power to create entire worlds with a thought, still bad to throw a party when Dad's away without permission.
  723. If my character is related to a god, it can't be as a parent.
• God Test: Inverted.
  1959. No using the time machine to make Christ the keynote speaker at an atheist convention.
• Godzilla Threshold: Extra care must be taken not to cross it with this guy around...
  1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque.
• Going Commando:
  88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.
• Golden Mean Fallacy:
  1339. If unsure of what side of the road we drive on, the middle of the road is not a healthy compromise.
• Golem: Adds a few more that the Monster Manual "forgot".
  455. Styrofoam is not an appropriate component for golems.
  691. No matter what the kids say, animated balloon animals is a poor use of the Create Golem feat.
  967. There is no such thing as a Tequila Golem.
  2061. Note to self: Pinata golems are a bad idea.
• Good Old Fisticuffs:
  2214. Deer season is restricted to rifles or bows, not brass knuckles.
• Grappling with Grappling Rules:
  999. I can't train squirrel mobs to abuse the grapple rules. ^ExplanationThis is primarily a reference to 3rd ed. Advanced Dungeons & Dragons, which allowed dozens of tiny creatures to gang up on large ones, each one gaining a significant bonus for every other combatant. Or at least, allowing sixteen grapple rolls, one of which will inevitably be a Critical Hit. Granted, the latter doesn't help on a grapple check if their modifier is too low to win even then, which is why the true Munchkin trains the squirrels to use the Aid Another action. Those that make a successful attack against a flat AC of 10 (probably about three out of four squirrels) each grant a stacking +2 bonus on the character's grapple check (or attack roll or armor class, at the squirrel's option).
• Gratuitous Foreign Language: German, Dutch, Japanese(-sounding gibberish)...
• Grievous Harm with a Body:
  106. I do not have weapon proficiency in cat.
  190. Duel wielding small animals is strictly forbidden.
  207. The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.
  345. I don't have weapon proficiency in elf, either.
  519. Dual wielding party members is also frowned upon.
  1880. Elves are not piercing weapons by default.
  1963. If I can't use the dwarf to beat a guy to death, that includes beating him against the dwarf.
  2494. Gaining weapon mastery in the whip and earning a venomous snake as my animal companion are mutually exclusive achievements.
• Groin Attack:
  248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots.
  541. When prompted for a target by the guided missile "the naughty bits" is not a valid choice.
  1457. I will remember the Japanese response to uncomfortable situations is to giggle, not a kick in the kiwis.
  1723. My martial arts style is vetoed if it's just thirty different ways to hit a guy in the jewels.
  2311. No matter what it would do to his spell casting chances, I can't cast shrink on the necromancer's undies.
  2312. You can only make so many called shots to the groin until it's an alignment check.
• "Groundhog Day" Loop:
  1193. I will avoid making wishes that lock the game in an infinite time loop.
• The Guards Must Be Crazy:
  1947. Can't use teleport to convince the villain's henchmen he's seeing things.
• Gun Fu: Averted.
  1308. Everybody was not gun-fu fighting.
• Hair Metal:
  910. I will not convince the entire party to play rockerboys so we can be a Europe cover band.
• Hair-Trigger Temper:
  34. I am not allowed to base any Droid off any character played by Joe Pesci.
  876. If I want to play a rampaging nordic warrior and get handed a treehugging elf hippie instead, I can't play her like a rampaging nordic warrior.
• Half-Human Hybrid:
  224. I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half gnome do you?
• Hard-Drinking Party Girl:
  1749. If my character is a hard drinking, hard partying Muslim chick, it's vetoed if she's clearly my Ex.
• Healing Hands: Which are apparently rather... naughty.
  1272. My Paladin can be charged with sexual harassment if he doesn't watch exactly where he lays on hands.
• Healing Shiv:
  1702. Even if it's historical[ly] accurate, can't try to heal someone by cutting them.
• Hell-Bent for Leather:
  822. If everybody in the room is in black leather, we're in the thieves' guild. Not a fetish club.
• Hero Insurance:
  17. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero.
  1792. Let's keep the collateral damage to under a billion dollars.
• He Who Must Not Be Heard:
  201. My thief is prohibited from speaking solely in Cant.
• Highly-Visible Ninja:
  1189. A stagehand does not get a better sneak bonus than ninjas.
  1839. Even if the rules say otherwise, a huge back banner with an arrow pointing down at me causes a penalty to stealth checks.
• Hitler's Time Travel Exemption Act:
  228. I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW2.
  1317. My character will refrain from appearing with Hitler in any history books. Especially if I'm chasing him with a wheat thresher.
• Hit Points:
  31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.

  824. The back up trap handler is not the guy with the lowest INT.
• Hive Mind: Ninjas do not have them.
  1043. Ninjas do not have a hive mind.
• Hoist by His Own Petard:
  612. Every time a PC takes himself out through his own stupidity does not let me sing the Oompa-Loompa song.
  2332. When asked why the Feywild isn't in the campaign, "self inflicted nuclear holocaust" isn't the right answer.
• Hollywood Tourette's:
  189. Tourette's is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation.
• Hong Kong Dub:
  9. My monk's lips must be in sync.
• Horse of a Different Color:
  22. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy War Rhino.

  1284. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy Seeing Eye Rhino either.
• Hot Blooded Sideburns:
  1465. My sideburns cannot earn their own fear rating.
• Hulk Speak: Banned.
  502. If my name isn't Grimlock, can't start every sentence with "Me Grimlock".

  516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock.
• Human Chess:
  1944. Even if the King is represented by a miniature, I can't put him in checkmate.
  • There's also a case of human checkers:
    1887. If I use the leap skill to individually jump over every goon in the room, when I reach the other side I can't demand to be made royalty.
• Human Sacrifice: Not appreciated by good gods.
  1700. Even if the rules allow it, Lawful Good deities don't appreciate human sacrifices to them.
• Human Shield:
  376. The barbarian must remember that 'human shield' is a figure of speech.
  546. Dead party members, while effective, are not appropriate anti-grenade measures.
• Hypocritical Humor: Welch apparently hates powergamers enough to get told not to do various things that horribly mess up their game plans... and then just a bit further on he'll get admonished against using a horrifying Game-Breaker build/weapon/tactic/etc. of his own. (Granted, those tactics are usually highly imaginative.)
  897. Any action causing the powergamer to storm off, while actually appreciated, is frowned upon.
  • He's also "not allowed to call the power run game 'generic dungeon hack and slash 7'", so presumably he more or less hates playing a tabletop game just for the statistics rather than role-playing.
  • A few items on his list qualify as well:
    268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in third person.
    506. Mjy Vjikjing Skjald wjill njot tjake ljibjertjies wjith thje rjunjic ajlphjabjet.
    1455. Like a cow who goes to the well too often, I will stop speaking only in metaphors.
    1784. Some grizzfarb says I have to stop making up gnomish profanities.
• If You Die, I Call Your Stuff: Nope.
  1435. The "Dibs" system is not a recognized method of promotion in the Ordo Malleus.
  1637. 'Dibs' is not a term of bereavement.
• I Call It "Vera":
  73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick.
  524. I will not ask my gun for advice.
  1359. I can't call my gun by a stupid nickname, even if it's the one that the game suggested.
• I Know Kung-Faux:
  777. Tai Kwan Doberman is not a real martial art.
• I Know Your True Name:
  1438. You can't find true names in a phone book.
• I'm a Humanitarian: Apparently, Mr. Welch finds every playable race tasty to some degree. That, or he's played too much NetHack.
  14. Ogres are not kosher.
  19. Drow are not good eating.
  55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.
  156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option.
  162. What ever monster we just killed is not to be tonight's dinner.
  1433. Zentradi are not good eating.
  1585. Vegipygmies are not a part of this complete breakfast.
  1649. I can't free the cannibals' prisoners by starting a food fight with them.
  1671. Before entering the dungeon I will take off the "I'm with tasty —>" tabard.
  2125. No matter how close to lunch is it, halflings don't have to save vs. cannibalism.
  • Although there are some limits:
    855. I will not keep reincarnating that bugbear until he comes back as something we can actually eat.
• I'm Melting!: He seems to want to invoke it, but the GM shut him down before he could try.
  1910. I don't need to know the melting point of orcs.
• Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy:
  431. We will not implement any battle plan that includes the underlined words "And hope they miss a lot."
• Impossibly Cool Weapon:
  1058. When I get to the custom weapons creation section, I will keep turning those pages.
• Improbable Aiming Skills: Apparently, the GM's Willing Suspension of Disbelief was shattered by the skills of one of Mr. Welch's characters.
  1034. Even if I wait for the ninja to jump at me, I can’t crucify him with a repeating crossbow in a single round.
• Improbable Hairstyle:
  2127. The following haircuts are forbidden to Ogrun: Pompadour, Flock of Seagulls, TV's Frank.
• Improbable Weapon User/Improvised Weapon:
  91. A wet towel does not constitute an improvised weapon.
  425. Chainsaws and butter churns filled with bees do not use the same weapon skill.
  591. Defibrillators do not allow me the use of the Cleave feat.
  1680. The point of the Improvised Weapon Skill is not to see how many different things I can kill people with.
  1915. The following are not acceptable specialties for a weapon master: Mustard Gas, Cheese Grater, Sardonicism.
  2290. Even if the rules allow it, my gladiator's starting weapons cannot be the trident and bagpipes.
• Improvised Lockpick:
  1635. Even if the lock is made entirely out of stone and scaled for a Titan I will not have my Dwarf Wizard attempt to pick the lock with the blunt end of his warhammer/staff.
• I'm Taking Her Home with Me!:
  114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once.
  786. No I cannot keep the drow priestess we just found as a pet.
• I Need a Freaking Drink:
  349. Power Word: Beer Me is not a real spell.
• Inescapable Ambush: Even if he casts Glassee on the door.
  1293. I can't avoid plot mandated ambushes no matter how hard I try.
  1404. I will not spoil the adventure's mandatory ambush by using the cheesy tactic of a "scout".
• Inexplicably Identical Individuals:
  35. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to play R2 units.
  954. I will not convince the entire party to play identical copies of the same character on the grounds we're sextuplets.
• Insistent Terminology: This is generally not appreciated.
  1266. I will stop referring to my rogue as a freelance subterranean locksmith.
  2071. Even if the Corporation prefers PC terminology, an interrogation is not 'kinetic information retrieval'.
• Instrument of Murder:
  1447. My Bard will not take a trombone just so he can attack and use his bard song at the same time.
• Interrogating the Dead: Mr. Welch knows how to take the mystery out of murder mystery.
  360. I must remind the GM that my Blessed can Raise Dead before he runs another murder mystery again.
• I Surrender, Suckers:
  18. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first.
• It Belongs in a Museum:
  674. When deciding what to do with the ancient alien artifacts we discovered, EBAY is not an option.
• I Thought That Was:
  1333. I will tell the noob the game is about post nuclear Europe and not love struck vampires before we start.
  2148. When asking if I'm cross playing, they didn't mean if my character was Christ.
• It Makes Sense in Context: The alternate link in the main article that sorts the list by game makes certain jokes and certain prohibitions more obvious. For example:
  346. I most certainly don't have weapon proficiency in a Phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range.
  • ...Makes more sense when you know that he tried it in a 3.5 Dungeons and Dragons game. ^note In his defense, the Dungeon Master's Guide does contain rules for a limited selection of sci-fi weapons just in case the DM wants to humor this type of request or incorporate them as strange artifacts into a game.
• Jackass Genie: He has no patience for them.
  568. My first wish cannot be 'I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish.'
• Jack Bauer Interrogation Technique:
  1078. If 48 straight hours of Pistol-Whipping doesn’t convince the terrorist to spill his guts, another 48 hours probably won’t either.
  2071. Even if the Corporation prefers PC terminology, an interrogation is not 'kinetic information retrieval'.
  2178. Despite what you think, the profession: Dentist can't substitute for the interrogation skill.
• Joke Item:
  47. They do not make Nair in wookie sizes.
• Joke Weapon:
  1024. Slings make poor thongs. And vice versa.
  1911. Even if the rules allow it, I can't one shot guys with a feather duster.

K-O

• Karma Meter:
  174. There is no use of Shatner's spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check.
  218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.
• Kick Them While They Are Down: In addition to what is already listed under Banana in the Tailpipe and Frameup, Mr. Welch has pulled a double-whammy of Kill It with Fire:
  631. Medicine cabinets are not the best place to stash spare squeeze tubes of explosive putty.
  2467. If we have to hide our weapons, no dumping the napalm into the fire sprinkler reserve tanks.
• Kids Are Cruel:
  476. The alignment of 2 years olds is not automatically Neutral Evil.
• Kill It with Fire:
  1138. Fireballs don’t have a non-lethal option. I will ponder this after I’ve cast one at that guy we needed alive.
  1212. Even if they’d never suspect it, my Jedi can’t have a flamethrower.
  1611. Even if she started it, no setting the princess on fire.
  1656. Starting a flame war on the internet is bad. Starting a flame war not on the internet is much, much worse.
  1669. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by setting him on fire.
  2350. Step one of every plan can't just be "Set them all on fire".
• Kill It with Ice:
  1080. The Cryokinetic is forever banned from water balloon fights.
• Kill It with Water:
  1071. I will go take out the villain’s dungeon the old fashioned way, and not use magic to reroute a river into it instead.
  1131. Summoning a Water Elemental right above the Fire Elemental doesn't work.
  1683. Killing the orc horde by drowning them all at once is heroic. Killing them by drowning them one at a time is an alignment check.
• Kill Tally:
  617. The forehead is not an appropriate place for a killcount holo-tattoo.
• Knight in Sour Armor:
  688. Even if the rules allow it, my paladin cannot have the flaw: Hatred- All living things.
• Konami Code:
  403. My rigger does not get a bonus if his log in code is up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right, A, B, A, B, Start.^note Because the correct code is Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start.
• Kung-Foley:
  784. Monks do not make 3 Stooges sounds in combat.
• Lame Pun Reaction: In a meta sense - many Things are disallowed just because they're a terrible pun, with seemingly no effect on gameplay (like saying you take the "un" out of "undead").
• Lampshade Hanging: Also disallowed.
  262. When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises.
• Last Words: Abused.
  171. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur."
  1335. I can not filibuster in the middle of my dying speech to buy the cleric more time.
• Least Rhymable Word:
  46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so.
  1428. No spending half the game session seeing what rhymes with Nyarlathotep.
• Lethal Chef:
  2107. Tharn aren't allowed to take cooking skills.
  2595. If the word thermite appeara anywhere in the cake recipe I will lose all the points I put into the cooking skill.
• Linear Warriors, Quadratic Wizards:
  69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.
  1493. No metamagic feat lets me add fragmentation to my spells.
• Literal Genie: He's got a backup plan for this guy.
  744. My second wish can't be for a new, more open minded genie to grant my remaining wishes.
• Load-Bearing Boss:
  1046. We can't stabilize the dying villain before we make our escape just in case he was a load bearing villain.
• Logic Bomb: Back to the genie.
  199. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish.'
• Longest Pregnancy Ever:
  1616. Despite what the math says, elves do not gestate for an entire decade.
• The Loonie: If only fictional examples of this kind of player could be quite so dedicated to it... but he doesn't seem to like competition.
  635. Arguments cannot end with the statement 'Alright, we'll settle this like penguins!'
  1088. I cannot try and throw large blunt objects at Malkavians, kobolds or kender. Or their players.
  1385. Even if I couldn't attend the session when everything went to hell, it's still my fault.
  1426. I am not "He who must not be named only in passing."
• Loophole Abuse: Mr. Welch loves to try this. The DMs, however, are rarely cooperative. Note that there is no actual rule that Mr. Welch must follow these rules. (Well, aside from Rule Zero.)
  24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.
  311. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot start the game as pope.
  337. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot control 20,000 pigeons and use them as flying piranha.
  423. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a duck.
  527. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot spend $64,000 to get the vorpal option for a forklift.
  572. Even if the rules say otherwise, I cannot carry 100lbs of styrofoam without encumbrance penalties.
  623. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a Dire Gummi Bear.
  643. Even if the rules allow it, I can't gain 1,000,000 XP with one forged check.
  675. Even if the rules allow it, I can't take the identical twin advantage 22 times.
  688. Even if the rules allow it, my Paladin cannot have the flaw: Hatred- All living things.
  713. Even if the rules allow it, can't sink a battleship with a stapler.
  715. Even if the rules allow it, I can't invent the strip joint.
  754. Even if the rules give no maximum encumbrance, still can't pick up the bank and walk away with it.
  785. Even if the rules allow it, can't shoot 20 guys in one round with a musket.
  820. Even if the rules allow it, my Paladin can't serve the god of obituaries.
  930. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot circumnavigate the world on foot in one turn.
  948. Even if the rules allow it, I can't catch dropped cannonballs with my teeth without drawbacks.
  985. Even if it isn't in the rules, I have to use the same scale miniature as everybody else.
  1015. Despite what the rules say, berserking does not improve my aim.
  1197. Even if the rules allow it, I can't put a spinal mounted weapon on a bicycle.
  1289. Even if the rules allow it, a laser sight doesn’t add to my chaingun’s accuracy. Yes, even if I have one on each barrel.
  1290. I will refrain to take character roles that the game forgot to make any rules for.
  1335. I can not filibuster in the middle of my dying speech to buy the cleric more time.
  1408. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot fence with a katana.
  1472. No matter what the rules say, I can't chase the villain around the map indefinitely.
  1491. Even if the rules allow it, can't add the High Speed Pursuit Option to a steamroller.
  1583. Even if the rules allow it, can't take a prestige class at level 4.
  1600. Even if the rules allow it, I can't mount a flamethrower on a knife.
  1642. No matter what the rules say, antibiotics can't make a man's head explode.
  1807. Even if the rules allow it, I can't have a saber toothed walrus.
  1821. Even if the rules allow it, the Soviet National Anthem doesn't qualify for the inspirational music ability.
  1839. Even if the rules say otherwise, a huge back banner with an arrow pointing down at me causes a penalty to stealth checks.
  1862. Even if the rules allow it, I can't hip shoot a cannon.
  1883. Even if the rules allow it, my fighter can't carry a clan of halfings in his pack without penalty.
  1908. No matter what the rules say, my psychotic racist character doesn't get a permanent persuasion bonus just because she puts out.
  1911. Even if the rules allow it, I can't one shot guys with a feather duster.
  1914. Can't abuse the boggan's weakness to get free babysitting.
  1924. Despite what the rules say, shooting other PC's in the head does not improve morale.
  1939. Even if the rules allow it, can't parry an artillery barrage with my fists.
  1966. Even if the rules allow it, can't play a viking Mad Scientist.
  2028. Even if the rules allow it, a called shot to the eyes with a sledgehammer isn't very practical.
  2033. Even if the rules allow it, I can't conduct a television interview and maintain a choke hold at the same time.
  2140. Even if the rules allow it, you can't slip an object into a person's pocket if the object is larger than the person.
  2290. Even if the rules allow it, my gladiator's starting weapons cannot be the trident and bagpipes.
  2292. Even if the rules allow it, I can't have proficiency in every skill by level 6.
  2301. Even if the rules allow it, the entire party can't be all raised by the same wolf.
  2308. Even if the rules allow it, no using plaid colored light spells to mess with the guard's perception of movement.
  2318. Even if the rules allow it, no dual wielding lances.
  2333. Even if the rules allow it, I can't have a clockwork kidney.
  2334. This goes double for a steam powered liver.
  2338. Even if the rules allow it, we can't be Space Ogre Ninjas.
  2340. Even if the rules allow it, I can't spend my xp to turn the crapsack setting into a functional Randian utopia.
• Lost Him in a Card Game: He's not even allowed to make the bet.
  1794. Can't use party members for ante.
• Lost in Translation: On purpose.
  61. The Barbarian's name does not translate into "Screams like little sissy girl" in my language.
  76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating.
• Lovable Sex Maniac: Quite possibly Welch himself, given the number of sex-related things.
  51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.
  125. Lingerie can only snap coincidentally so many times per day.
  172. At no point can I justify spending force points on a seduction check.
  264. I cannot use the time machine to go to Ancient Greece where all the women were leather clad, oiled down with big bosoms.
  576. I cannot use my sneak attack opportunity to cop a feel.
  661. The line on my character sheet for 'Sex' is not for keeping score.
  972. "Threesome" is not a specialty of the seduction skill.
  1082. There is no such thing as a brothel crawl.
  1240. No matter what the dice say, I didn’t just seduce Chun Li. And Cammy.
  1663. There is no such thing as a 'bad touch attack'.
  1950. Not allowed to start the campaign having sex, especially with another PC.
  2241. "Fantastic in the sheets" is not an appropriate character focus.
  2273. Can't pick a religion based solely on the greatest number of sexual positions allowed.
  2343. I can't spend all my starting points on concubines.

  2347. I also can't spend all my character points on one just really awesome concubine.
  2370. I will keep the amount of sexual innuendos to a minimum in the autopsy report.
• Lord British Postulate: Mr. Welch has attempted to kill weather patterns.
  1086. Tornadoes don’t have hit points.
  1401. I will stop shooting at natural disasters.
• Ludicrous Gibs:
  510. After a bloody battle, I will not celebrate by lying down and making carnage angels.
  1662. No starting a mosh pit in a leper colony.
  1690. I don't get double XP if I kill the monster with explosive decompression.
  1867. Can't have a gun that reduces people to Rorschach tests.
• Lying Finger Cross:
  1681. Just crossing his fingers behind his back is not an option for my paladin.
• Made from Real Girl Scouts:
  1933. No part of the elven cloak is actually made out of elves.
• Make a Wish: Not with this guy.
  97. My one wish cannot be 'I wish everything on this piece of paper was true'.
  227. My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game."
  257. I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes.
  567. I cannot consult my lawyer before making my wish.
  568. My first wish cannot be "I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish'.
  569. All 3 of my wishes cannot involve Alpacas.
  653. Cannot wish for the party to have common sense. Even the wish spell has its limits.
  745. Can't wish I was the GM.
  924. Before I make my next wish I have to ask myself: "Is this going to shatter the very fabric of reality again?"
  981. My last wish cannot be for Ragnarok.
  1100. I cannot wish that someone else was an Oscar Meyer weiner.
  1130. I cannot wish we were playing the previous edition of the game.
  1153. I can't wish to change my vote on what module we're playing.
  1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque.
  1193. I will avoid making wishes that locks the game in an infinite time loop.
  1242. I can't wish that somebody competent wrote this module.
  1346. I will not waste wishes on professional sporting events.
  1502. My first wish can't be to invalidate the previous character's last wish.
  1516. I will not wish we were still playing Torg.
  1553. I can't wish my girlfriend was hot like you.
  1658. The words "Rock Opera" will not appear in any of my wishes.
  2064. The wish spell can't affect the order of the alphabet.
  2143. Wishes have no effect on errata.
  2325. Before making my last wish, I will make sure everybody in the party actually wants patagia.
• Make Wrong What Once Went Right:
  145. I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents.
  1479. Using the time machine to put 'W' at the front of the alphabet is silly.
  1511. No using the time machine to set the "Star Spangled Banner" to anything by White Zombie.
  1634. If it's revealed Shakespeare was the author of Funky Cold Medina my time machine privileges are revoked.
  1703. The time machine is not for finding ringers for our baseball team.
  1705. If my boss wakes up to find a young Frank Sinatra won American Idol, no more time machine for me.
• Man on Fire:
  1126: Cannot start the campaign on fire.
  1733. Dousing a character in beer is acceptable after a victory. Then setting him on fire is not.
• Master of None:
  5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills.
  44. Not allowed to spend all 100 character points on 100 1pt skills.
  917. Have one point in every single skill in the game doesn't count as a super power.
  1917. "The ability to do anything, as long as it's not that hard" is not a real superpower.
• The Matchmaker:
  648. Can't marry off another PC more than half a dozen times.
• Medium Awareness:
  269. My character cannot hear the soundtrack.
• Me's a Crowd:
  675. Even if the rules allow it, I can't take the Identical Twin advantage 22 times.
  954. I will not convince the entire party to play identical copies of the same character on the grounds we're sextuplets.
• Mid-Battle Tea Break: Defied.
  116. Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final super villain showdown.
  2250. Even if I haven't had anything to do for several hours, no updating Facebook in the middle of a Black Ops.
• Milking the Monster:
  2277. If the king says he will reimburse our expenses, no turning the mission into an epic continent spanning quest.

  2278. Especially if the original mission was "kill all the goblins in this cave."
• A Million Is a Statistic:
  1683. Killing the orc horde by drowning them all at once is heroic. Killing them by drowning them one at a time is an alignment check.
• Mind Screw: Severely frowned upon.
  1341. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot become famous for not being famous.
  2428. Not allowed to see if it's possible to drown someone in a barrel filled with healing potions.
• The Minion Master:
  24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.
  299. I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding sheep.
  337. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot control 20,000 pigeons and use them as flying piranha.
  999. I can't train squirrel mobs to abuse the grapple rules.
  1512. My canine officer can't spend his animal requisition cash to buy two dozen chihuahuas.
  1884. If a PC gets taken out by a deer, can't recruit the deer to replace him.
  2207. We are not stopping the villain with small mammals armed with power tools.
• Minmaxer's Delight:
  1800. I will not point out any loophole that arouses the powergamer.
• Mirror Universe:
  325. Even if he was a paragon of humanity in his alternate dimension, Good Hitler is not an appropriate superhero concept.
• Misplaced Accent:
  26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin.
  1286. My Buddhist monk will lose the cockney accent.
  1741. Klingons don't have a French accent.
  1970. Even If I need to practice it, if I'm playing Batman, I lose the Russian accent.
  2211. If I have to change my samurai's voice, I will pick something that doesn't make him sound like a native of Guadalajara.
• Moment Killer:
  928. The Flaw: Odious Personal Habit- Teleports into romantic moments is only available at the maximum penalty.
• Money Spider:
  1045. We will not gut every animal we kill to see if they have treasure inside like in video games.
• Mook Chivalry: Averted!
  932. Nowhere in the bible does it say ninjas have to line up in a straight line to fight me.
• Mook Horror Show:
  617. The forehead is not an appropriate place for a killcount holo-tattoo.
• More Dakka:
  15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.
  440. I am forbidden from trying to merge the best features of automatic weapons and manual transmissions.
  557. If they get a bonus to spot my gun with a geiger counter, I can't have it.
  589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it's vetoed if that's the Richter scale.
  603. I cannot have any gun mentioned in the Geneva Convention by name.
  803. If my personal carried firepower exceeds that of the Battleship Texas, there's a problem.
  868. I cannot have a gun with an area of affect larger than it's range.
  872. Any gun that sets off the metal detector before I even pass through it is vetoed.
  925. Any gun that can fire more rounds in one shot than I can physically carry is vetoed.
  1034. Even if I wait for the ninja to jump at me, I can’t crucify him with a repeating crossbow in a single round.
  1044. No matter how much ammo I start with, I can't impact the total world supply.
  1528. I can't ask the bad guy if I fired 40,000 rounds or just 39,999.
  1533. Even if the rules allow it, can't have a belt fed pistol.
  1722. No building a Gatling Gatling gun.
  2076. If I'm commissioned to build an artillery gun, they don't mean a gun that fires howitzers.
• Most Common Superpower: Doesn't actually count as a superpower, no.
  1314. Gravity defying breasts, while impressive, do not count as a super power.
  • Enforced by at least one of his Dungeonmasters:
    1481. The Island of Small Breasted Fantasy Females does not exist.
• Ms. Fanservice: Defied.
  88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.
• Munchkin: He can be one at times.
  1647. Any character requiring the GM to tab more than 10 pages of rules for reference is vetoed.
  • As stated above, he likes pissing off other munchkins, as well:
    1653. The power gamer would appreciate me not bringing the book with the rule he is grotesquely abusing.
  • Just as often, he deliberately makes himself as useless as possible - whichever is funny.
    1730. No putting all my weapon points in the blowgun.

    1731. If I take the blowgun, I at least have to poison the darts.
• Mundane Solution: Forbidden in at least one case.
  1404. I will not spoil the adventure's mandatory ambush by using the cheesy tactic of a "scout."
  1937. Not my fault if you can defeat the labyrinth by just making right turns.
• Mundane Utility:
  7. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes.
  183. There are no rules for cooking corn dogs in any d20 supplement.
  500. My superhero will not spend points to fly just because he's too lazy to walk.
  544. I will not cast Gate to bind an infernal creature of power to my bidding and make him mow the lawn.
  566. When confronted with a haunted house with bleeding walls, no converting it into a self supporting blood bank.
  850. Doesn't matter how practical, we aren't reanimating the dead dragon and having him haul that horde back for us.
  1041. Doesn't matter if I'm just using to spot weld, force lightning still gets me a dark side point.
  1142. I will not use the mage’s Staff of Wizardry in lieu of a pool cue.
  1194. I will not go to FTL just to avoid the red lights.
  1329. The M203 is not for long range bocce ball.
  1416. The guy with the meltagun doesn't automatically have to carry the popcorn.
  1620. I will not use the druid's chakram to play frisbee with his dire wolf.
  1621. No using the Reduce spell to only to buy a child's ticket at the movies.
  1697. Can't use the Decanter of Endless Water for water skiing, the Jacuzzi, or a wet tabard contest.
  1717. The spell Summon Vacuum Elemental is not for household chores.
  1897. Assist Other actions helps in combat, not with crossword puzzles.
  1948. Having an electrotech in the party doesn't mean I get to leave my phone charger at home.
  2031. Even if the kids love it, the Cone of Cold spell is not for making toboggan rides possible in August.
  2070. The spell is "Heat Metal", not "Detect Piercings".
  2150. The cryokinetic's default job is not to protect the cooler.
  2230. Even if we were told to use all of it, can't use the extra explosives for public displays of affection to my girlfriend.
  2238. The Returning ability on magical weapons doesn't let me make a fortune at pawn shops.
  2249. Even if I take the Total Recall trait, I can't remember all quarter million crew on my ship by their first name.
  2469. The AV-9 is for air support, not beer runs.
  2559. Can't wish for the genie to get me the best possible refund on my taxes every year.
• Multiple Head Case:
  2062. Even if I have enough rope and have nine attacks a round, can't garrote a hydra.
• Must Have Caffeine:
  2413. The barbarian can still berserk even if he hasn't had his morning coffee.
• My Friends... and Zoidberg:
  219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys".
• Naked People Are Funny:
  258. There is no such thing as Skyclad Armor +5.
  672. Teleport Without Pants is not a real spell.
  893. Invisibility is all or nothing, can't just target their clothes.
  2263. The rune stones did not just say the princess needs to get naked.
• Names to Run Away from Really Fast:
  17. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero.
  1860. Summary Execution Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero, even if it is accurate.
• Never Found the Body: Does not equal a Pacifist Run.
  649. Zero bodycount does not mean just the ones they can find.
• Never Mess with Granny: His characters can come from some seriously deadly ancestors.
  111. I did not pick the garrote skill last week from my grandmother.
  642. My character's grandma was not, is not and will never be a contract killer.
• Ninja Maid:
  141. My maid does not know kung fu.
• Nobody Loves the Bassist:
  2244. On second thought, rhythm guitar isn't an appropriate focus for a bard.
• No Celebrities Were Harmed:
  1. Cannot base characters off the Who's drummer Keith Moon.
  94. I cannot base my ancient kung fu master on neither Gene Simmons or Bluto Blutarski.
• No-Holds-Barred Beatdown:
  997. I can't beat on the drow until he admits his name is Toby.
  1078. If 48 straight hours of pistol whipping doesn’t convince the terrorist to spill his guts, another 48 hours probably won’t either.
  2328. Just because damage is non-lethal doesn't mean I can keep beating him for hours.
• No Man of Woman Born:
  2126. There will be no more arguing on whether Eowyn could have killed MacBeth or McDuff could have killed the Witch King.
• Non-Indicative Name:
  378. I can cannot give my character the moniker "Tim the Barbarian". Especially since he's the bard.
  1494. When playing a teleporter, I will buy the ability to actually teleport.
  1714. My martial artist has to actually know a martial art.
• Noodle Incident/Noodle Implements: The entire list. A few examples:
  63. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if I say please.
  93. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again.
  101. I am not allowed to pave anything.
  114. The demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once.
  226. Troll bubblegum...bad idea.
  572. Even if the rules say otherwise, I cannot carry 100lbs of styrofoam without encumbrance penalties.
  598. Any adventure that ends up with my character being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be.
  647. Any answer to a question involving the words 'wizard', 'station wagon' and 'wood paneling' is no.
  1007. That whole Expedition to the Barrier Peaks? Dream Sequence.
  1313. I will do nothing that tarnishes Hello Kitty's memory.
  1549. The totalitarian government tends to notice large purchases of cows, trebuchets and surveying gear.
  1708. No bringing up the time we were nearly TPK'd by a jerboa.
  2206. Create a distraction doesn't mean with walruses trained in ballroom dance.
  2207. We are not stopping the villain with small mammals armed with power tools.
  2208. My favored enemy must be more than just "Claire".
  2375. The rulebook was not kidding about needing 5,000 people to hijack a Star Destroyer.
• The Nudifier:
  672. Teleport Without Pants is not a real spell.
  893. Invisibility is all or nothing, can't just target their clothes.
• Nuke 'em: Mr. Welch is not allowed to interact with nuclear weapons, for good reason.
  1270. Weapon Focus: Nukes is not a real feat.

  1352. Even if we are issued a nuke, I'm not allowed to touch it.
  1779. Using nuclear weapons in assassinations is just being lazy.
• Obvious Rule Patch: Some of the rules are obvious attempts to close loopholes established by earlier rules. For instance:
  502. If my name isn't Grimlock, can't start every sentence with "Me Grimlock".

  516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock.
• Odd Job Gods:
  3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.
  248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots.
  1342. There is no god of Wombats, no matter how much I pray.
• Off the Rails: He's tried. The DMs don't like it.
  38. When investigating evil cultists, not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside.
  182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.
  270. I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour in character discussion on the qualities of rope.
  360. I must remind the GM that my Blessed can Raise Dead before he runs another murder mystery again.
  621. No offering the old man and the farm kid a better rate to Alderaan.
  840. Even if it would have immediately solved the last six adventures, I won't throw dynamite in every well I come across.
  922. No matter how much we look, we're not finding the secret door leading to the back of the villain's hideout.
  1217. No matter what the dice just said, I didn't kill the villain with the first shot of the combat.
• Old Soldier:
  1304. Even if they are better in combat according to character generation, the USMC frowns on octogenarians in front line combat.
• Omniglot: Only allowed if the character could conceivably be one. So anyone without an education is right out.
  1169. If even the rules allow it, I can’t have my uneducated peasant start with every known language.
• One-Hit Polykill:
  1269. Even if the guy I based my character off was famous for doing it, I can’t kill eight guys with one bullet.
• One Stat to Rule Them All:
  951. The most important stat in Call of Cthulhu is not movement.
• One-Steve Limit:
  288. I cannot name my character after another PC already in this game.
  882. I will not convince the party to name all the characters the same thing.
• Only Smart People May Pass: He can be a bit too smart.
  1164. I will wait for the GM to finish his incredibly complicated riddle before answering correctly.
  1534. I will raise my hand if I've already heard the DM's riddle.
• Our Dwarves Are All the Same: No, not really.
  126. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals.
  188. I cannot play an elf with a Scottish accent, nor a Cajun dwarf.
  211. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.
  294. My dwarf is not claustrophobic, likewise, my elf is not agoraphobic.
  503. Dwarves do not get Beard Cancer.
  550. Dwarves can indeed tell the difference between their genders.
  626. Dwarves are not proper substitutes for pufferfish.
  890. Dwarves do not get Roto-Rooters as racial weapons.
  1268. Dwarves are physically incapable of performing the Dance of the Seven Veils.
  1368. Dwarves do not groom themselves like cats. Or baboons.
  1406. The primary dwarf subraces are [not] Sedimentary, Igneous and Metamorphic.
  1462. Dwarves do not have the racial ability to merge into a larger, more powerful dwarf.
  1958. Dwarven breast milk is not 180 proof.
  2081. 'Horn Dog' is not a real Dwarven caste.
  2083. 'Fifty Shades of Grey Dwarves' is not the new Duergar sourcebook.
  2167. The answer is never "Dwarven River Dance".
  2226. The concept of vowels are not alien to dwarves.
  2376. The Dwarven work ethic is not just "Dig until we hit evil."
• Our Elves Are Different: Even less so than Our Dwarves Are All the Same, this doesn't count.
  188. I cannot play an elf with a Scottish accent, nor a Cajun dwarf.
  294. My dwarf is not claustrophobic, likewise, my elf is not agoraphobic.
  677. Elves do not have the racial trait: No Gag Reflex.
  826. Elves do not respond to chainsaws the same ways dogs react to vacuum cleaners.
  886. Elves are not deciduous.
  964. Elves aren't marsupials.
  983. Elves do not take 1d3 1 minutes for their entire menstrual cycle.
  1018. Elves do not get Viking Funerals.
  1474. The concept of puberty is not alien to the elves.
  1616. Despite what the math says, elves do not gestate for an entire decade.
  1689. 1/3 of the elf homeland's GDP does not go to hair care products.
  2120. Elves do not squirt ink out of their nipples as a defense mechanism.

  2121. Elves also do not secrete a foul tasting oil when threatened.
  2122. The reason elves live in forests is not to protect them from eagles that swoop down and grab them up.
  2373. The name for a group of elves is not the fagot.
  2393. The natural enemy of the elf is not the common cold.
• Our Gnomes Are Weirder: Very much weirder! He explained in an interview that he has an affinity for gnomes specifically because the archetypes for their race aren't as clearly defined as the other standard fantasy races (basically because they weren't in The Lord of the Rings.)
  39. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'can lick their eyebrows'.
  40. Gnomes do not have the racial ability to hold their breath for 10 minutes.
  41. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand'.
  128. Polka Gnomes exist only in my mind.
  260. Gnomes do not have a racial bonus in bobsled.
  553. No matter how well I make my disguise check, my gnome cannot convincingly pass for any member of Rush.
  559. Even if the Ranger offers his sword, the elf his bow and the dwarf his axe, my gnome can't offer his accordion.
  693. There is no conspiracy to write out the gnome's contribution to the Fellowship of the Ring.
  748. Holding a pillow over a sleeping person's face is not a gnomish expression of affection.
  1367. Gnomes are not nature's tripods.
• Our Vampires Are Different:
  318. Vampiric cows are not the fast food innovation of the future.
• Our Werebeasts Are Different:
  107. There is no such game as Wereshark the Buffet.
  2431. A mandingo is not an Australian lycanthrope.
• Overused Copycat Character: Mr. Welch seems to have an extreme dislike of these.
  13. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are.
  214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer.
  405. I will not name my character for the power gaming campaign Generic Cleave Path Fighter #7.

P-T

• Pædo Hunt: See "Even Evil Has Standards" above for examples of how Mr. Welch treats pedophiles. In addition, there are plenty of pedophile jokes...
  1879. The halfling's natural enemy is not the pedophile.
• Paper-Thin Disguise:
  1180. Dressing up the wizard as the monk still won’t stop monsters from appearing beside him and attacking him first.
• Pardon My Klingon:
  178. There are no profanities in Celestial.
  1784. Some grizzfarb says I have to stop making up gnomish profanities.
• Patron Saint:
  213. I am not the patron saint of common sense.
  1238. No making up Patron Saints.

  1527. There is no Patron Saint of the Dodecahedron.
• Perfectly Cromulent Word:
  333. I cannot fistinate anybody, whatever the hell that means.
  1682. Snufficate is not a real way to kill somebody.
• Perfumigation:
  2571. I can't detect the mimic by just putting on copious amounts of cologne and waiting to see which piece of furniture starts gagging.
• Pit Trap:
  1136. Doesn’t matter how big we make it, a pit trap isn’t going to take out the Tarrasque.
  1483. There is more to stopping a zombie horde than punji pits.
• Player Killing:
  104. Nor is there a +1 Longsword +5 against party members.
• Playing Against Type: Funnily enough, Mr. Welch has even used this trope to its full advantage. (Presumably, he did this during the one-shot, then went back to normal when the new DM started a full scenario just to create dissonance.)
  1870. If I'm invited to play a one shot with a new DM, can't play a serious straight laced character.
• Plot Armor:
  447. If the NPC is critical to the plot later, I cannot crit him 4 times in one round.
  1982. If the GM's pet NPC has tons of plot armor, can't use her for cover.
• Politically Correct History: Sort of.
  146. Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600.
  1459. Even if the game is set in 1912, the female characters get a vote on the party's action.
• Post-Modern Magik:
  1117. Can't strangle a werewolf with a roll of Kodak film, no matter what we all know it's made out of.
  2520. At no point in the ritual do I get to ask Siri to read the rest of the exorcism for me.
• Power Perversion Potential:
  301. "Well Hung" is not a physical, social or mental trait.
  595. I cannot pick a race with a prehensile ANYTHING.
  966. Using precog on the personals to find out who puts out on a first date is abusing the power.
  1659. Just because he has specialization in observation skills does not mean 'he likes to watch'.
  2256. I cannot play anything with a blowhole.
• Pregnant Badass:
  324. I cannot start the game pregnant.
• Pretty Fly for a White Guy:
  734. My character's background cannot be a Wikipedia biography with "Falco" crossed off and my character's name written in.
• Professional Wrestling: Apparently, his campaign takes the concept of "gimmick infringement" very seriously.
  211. If, at any point, my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of "Macho Man" Randy Savage, he dies.
• Psycho Knife Nut:
  1644. Even if it fills the mission parameters, no machete killing sprees dressed like Carmen Miranda.
• Public Service Announcement:
  1160. We will not end every adventure with a public service announcement.
• Pun: Guilty so many times.
  92. The name of the weapon shop is not "Bloodbath and Beyond".
  205. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co.
  485. My Mossad agent's battlecry is not "Torah, Torah, Torah"
  751. If the party has to pose as classical German composers, I will not declare "I'll be Bach".
  783: The following are not acceptable Ironclaw characters: Mortal Wombat, Dalai llama, Boom Orangutan.
  1458. The ability to mimic other people's luck powers does not make me a karma chameleon.
  1573. Attempting to woo the Space Elf Clown does not turn the adventure into a Harlequin romance.
  1657. My halberdier is not guisarmed and dangerous.
  1660. Even if we just stole all their alkaline chemicals, that does not mean all their base belongs to us.
  2237. Christian Baleful Polymorph is not a real spell.
  2392. The teleporting spiders attacking us are not just going through a phase.
  2438. Not starting the adventure until we have exactly one elf in the party is not Tolkienism.
• Punched Across the Room:
  1755. Calling my shot means 'Where I want to hit him' not 'Where I want him to land.'
  1899. The target's current zip code has no bearing on my called shot.
• Ragin' Cajun:
  4. My 7th Sea character Boudreaux is not 'Southern' Montaigne.
  188. I cannot play a elf with a Scottish accent, nor a Cajun dwarf.
• Railroading:
  262. When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises.
  1449. Any plan that would quickly, logically and safely defeat the module early is doomed to failure.
• Raised by Wolves:
  1053. I was not raised by a pack of feral Ironclads.
  2301. Even if the rules allow it, the entire party can't all have been raised by the same wolf.
• Ramming Always Works:
  2005. Can't just program a probe droid to go at light speed through the Star Destroyer.
  2192. The villain will eventually notice the train tracks are starting to point straight at his front door.
• Razor Floss:
  1032. Monofilament does not automatically make the world a better place.
  1372. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot have a monofilament sledgehammer.
• Recoil Boost:
  1437. High recoil guns and roller skates are not an accepted method of transportation.
• Redemption Equals Sex:
  1775. Just because I spared the villain's life doesn't mean she owes me a first date.
• Red Shirt:
  134. The King's Guards official name is not "The Royal Order of the Red Shirt."
• Reference Overdosed: Just about anything is liable to be mentioned: other games, books, music bands, construction of analog film, etc.
• Religion of Evil:
  314. Under 'Religion' I cannot put 'Xenu'.
  842. When handed Dieties and Demigods and told to pick a god for my druid, I will skip right by the Cthulhu Mythos.
• Religious Russian Roulette:
  95. I must not put the Thunder God on the spot again.
• Required Secondary Powers:
  606. If my power is super growth, that includes my skin.
  1564. Superspeed gives immunity to friction.
• Resting Recovery:
  913. After casting my one first level spell, can't leave the dungeon to go sleep.
• Retcon:
  305. Anything my character does that ends up as errata I am retroactively prohibited from doing.
  598. Any adventure that ends up with my character being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be.
  2138. If the game retcon's my character's god, I will not start the orthodox faith of the old version of the god.
• Reverse Psychology:
  704. No using my hideously low Charisma to get the villain to do the opposite of what I suggest.
• Rhymes on a Dime: Usually done for the sake of a pun.
  1332. Even if silence is required for the entire adventure, we are not naming the Black Ops Operation: Mimecrime.
• Rules Lawyer: Too many items on the list begin with the phrase "Even if the rules allow it" to be listed here. See Loophole Abuse above.
• Rule 34: Mr. Welch may be keeping a meticulous list of things that he's been banned from doing, but the internet is full of people with less restraint. (Yes, there are actually examples of that kind of picture of The List floating around on the web. No, you won't find links to them here. If you're really that keen, you know what to do.)
• Rule Zero: The Game Master's only defense against Mr. Welch is the GM Veto, because the rules will more often than not allow his craziness.
• Rushmore Refacement:
  542. No, I do not have time to carve that mountain in the shape of anything.
• Sailor Earth:
  526. If an NPC is known as the "One," I cannot volunteer to be the "Two."
• Sanity Meter:
  138. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it.
  829. Despite the song's claim, a pelvic thrust does not cause Sanity loss.
  879. Buying a bigger gun does not restore sanity.
  998. The script for the Baywatch movie does not cause more Sanity loss than the Necronomicon.
  1427. It is not a race to 0 SAN.
  2357. 4chan does not cause more sanity loss than Cthulhu.
• Sarcasm-Blind:
  470. Sarcasm is wasted on Imperial Stormtroopers.
• Scenery Censor:
  532. Despite being a staple of comic books everywhere, I cannot teleport objects in front of naked people.
• "Scooby-Doo" Hoax:
  513. Trying to rip the face off the villain will not get the Scooby-Doo ending.
• Screw Destiny: Denied.
  339. Can't avoid going on an epic quest with the excuse "Can't find a sitter."
• Screw This, I'm Outta Here:
  951. The most important stat in Call of Cthulhu is not movement.
  1209. Even if the boss monster has 100% magic resistance, my wizard can’t go catch a movie.
  1232. “Head, Heart, Run” is not our posse’s motto.
• Screw You, Elves!: Mr. Welch seems to relish in tormenting the pointy-eared folk and their players.
  55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.
  89. The elf's name is not Legolam.
  156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option.
  224. I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half gnome do you?
  229. Not allowed to spontaneously check if the elf can take a punch.
  379. I am to stop asking the elf to put in a good word for me with Santa.
  472. When my cleric is told to "Buff the Elf," I know exactly what it means and may not miscontrue it in any way.
  826. Elves do not respond to chainsaws the same ways dogs react to vacuum cleaners.
  942. We do not need an elf on this dungeoncrawl for the same reason miners need canaries.
  997. I can't beat on the drow until he admits his name is Toby.
  1054. I will call the elf druid by his real impossibly long elf name, and not just Llanowar Leafblower.

  1055. I will also not simply refer to the elf druid as that dirty, dirty hippie.
  1112. I will stop referring to the Eladrin as just the Elf Mk II.
  1250. I will address the other PC as Lord Tyrion, Eldritch Knight of the Winter Court. And not just as the Sidhe Male. ^note (Sidhe is correctly pronounced "Shee".)
  1410. Bleaching the drow won't help.
  1500. I will not convince the dragon to eat the elf instead because he's organically grown.
  1619. If the elf is rolling badly doesn't mean we need to water him.
  1874. Even if elves are a dying race, can't start a forced breeding program.
  1877. I will stop asking the high elf for a hit.
  1878. Elves are not all backstabbing, untrustworthy weasels, but you never hear about a dark gnome do you?
  1880. Elves are not piercing weapons by default.
  1933. No part of the elven cloak is actually made out of elves.
  2019. Even if the elf fails his willpower check, we don't need to change him.
  2120. Elves do not squirt ink out of their nipples as a defense mechanism.

  2121. Elves also do not secrete a foul tasting oil when threatened.
  2122. The reason elves live in forests is not to protect them from eagles that swoop down and grab them up.
  2228. No asking the elf how they make it to 1000 years old with such a crappy fortitude save.
  2373. The name for a group of elves is not the fagot.
  2381. Just because they can't be the target of raise dead spells doesn't mean elves have no soul.
• Sdrawkcab Name:
  170. I cannot name my character Xagyg or any anagram thereof.
  1230. It's okay if you name your Kindred Alucard. But I still can't name my Garou Namflow.
• Self-Imposed Challenge:
  1394. I will not take on the entire dungeon using only one body part to attack.
• Sensitivity Training:
  23. Any character who has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away.
• Seppuku:
  389. My samurai is not required to commit seppuku if he fails to hit the monster.
• Sex Signals Death: The quintessential slasher movie example is parodied when Mr. Welch attempts to exploit it.
  835. I cannot lure out the Psycho Killer into an ambush by having sex with another character.
• Shake Someone, Objects Fall: Not an acceptable substitute for a pickpocket roll.
  1108. Picking his pocket means more than just turning him upside down and shaking him vigorously.
• Shamu Fu:
  798. Not allowed to use guppies as buckshot.
  1777. No using goldfish as improvised weapons just to get the dual weapon bonus.
• Shaped Like Itself:
  1785. I can't play an anthropomorphic homo sapiens.
• Shotguns Are Just Better:
  99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber.
  619. No matter what the dice say, I can't kill a 4th gen vampire with a pump action loaded with buck in a single round.
  958. No matter how practical, I can't have shotgunchucks.
  973. Shotguns are not a traditional part of Texas funerals.
  1916. Even if the rules allow it, sniper scopes don't give bonuses to shotguns.
• Shout-Out: Tons of these.
  8. How to serve Dragons is not a cookbook.
  25. The green elf does not need food badly.
  36. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to sit on the same side of the table.
  40. Gnomes do not have the racial ability to hold their breath for 10 minutes.
  42. Having a big nose adds nothing to my seduction check.
  63. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if I say please.
  64. My paladin's battle cry is not "Good for the Good God".
  83. My gnome does not like big butts and he cannot lie.
  124. I cannot insert the words "Kill Phil, Sorry Phil" into any list of instructions.
  130. I am not authorized to form the head.
  132. There is no such feat called "Death Blossom".
  143. Not allowed to buy a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right.
  168. I was also not recruited by 12 dwarves and a wizard to rob a dragon.
  180. I have neither the touch nor the power.
  252. I can not order the Druid to transform and roll out.
  259. My Highlander's name cannot be McHammer.
  267. I cannot yell "FREEBIRD" every time the bard makes a perform roll.
  330. The Halfling Paladin does not represent the Lollipop Guild.
  336. Cannot start a Cthuhlu character with a pre-existing hatred of books, altars and cutlery.
  398. No matter what popular media says, harpoons are not proper ninja weapons.
  409. I will not cast darkness at the magic missile.
  469. If I wake up to find black cloaked figures in my room, I will not immediately point them to the halflings' room.
  479. As a matter of fact, Dwarven Battlegarb in no way resembles Angus Young's stage costume.
  529. My character is not from Duncan, Idaho.
  610. I cannot name my character Dwead Piwate Woberts.
  640. Even if he loves me too, Chitti-Chitti-Bang-Bang is not an appropriate choice for the romance background.
  730. No part of the plan includes: You give me the idol, I give you the whip.
  731. No matter how many called shots to the neck I make, I'm still not going to cause a cool pyrotechnics display.
  871. My halfling cannot take the flaw Obsession: Ring of Invisibility.
  909. Dual wielding spike chains does not let me use the battlecry "DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!"
  936. 'The power of Christ compels me' does not justify my Blessed's actions.
  965. Even if we're freezing to death, I won't cut open the half-orc and shove the elf inside him.
  996. Dwarves can't take trees as favored enemies.
  997. I can't beat on the drow until he admits his name is Toby.
  1012. Note to self: Lightsaberchucks...BAD IDEA
  1014. I will stop blaming every massacre we come across on Decepticons.
  1111. There is no such thing as a Magic Murder Bag of Holding.
  1129. I will refrain from casting Dimension Jump and Magnificent Mansion on every police box we pass.
  1151. Our mission is to rescue the princess. Not to bring Sexy back.
  1187. It's okay to feed the Ewok after midnight.
  1287. Let's not taunt the minotaur with "How appropriate, You Fight Like a Cow".
  1332. Even if silence is required for the entire adventure, we are not naming the Black Ops Operation: Mimecrime.
  1356. Before we start, let's make sure whether everybody blows up if I shoot a shield with a lasgun.
  1405. It's obvious I'm just playing a skald so I can sing "Bjeorning, Bjoerning, Disco Inferno".
  1454. The paladin does not appreciate us painting his dire tiger green and orange.
  1484. Just because I can, doesn't mean I should drop a house on the witch.
  1489. My bard will not stop every passing minstrel for a round of Dueling Banjos.
  1509. No part of the Constitution is written in invisible ink.
  1541. While highly effective, grabbing a man by his small intestine and making him talk like a ventriloquist dummy is frowned on.
  1618. Any character even remotely resembling Mr. B Natural is dead before the first dice are rolled.
  1643. Despite precedent, if the travel gets rough, we can't eat the bard.
  1710. "Mooning M. Bison" is not an appropriate stunt action.
  1716. Summon Para-Legal Elemental is not a real spell.
  1736. Can't name my rabbit familiar Watership.
  1853. I can't chew gum during chapter briefings, even if I brought enough for the entire Space Marine Chapter.
  1854. TSR is not hiding Golden Tickets in Mystara Gazetteers.
  1864. Even if paladin starts with P and that rhymes with T, it doesn't stand for trouble.

  1865. No wasting Music Man references on a 10th grader.
  1868. Playing The Who doesn't give me a bonus to forensics checks.
  1936. You don't have to be lawful evil to be sentenced to Devil's Island.
  1960. I will not use the commune spell to find out who is John Galt.
  1980. The druid can't transform into a sports car. Even if we douse him with hot water.
  2011. There is no easy way to tell a guy he named his genetically engineered uber space Mongolian after Genghis Khan's wife.
  2035. Cylons don't have a four year life span.
  2105. Infravision no longer works like thermographic vision, so I can stop trying to hide from the elf by smearing myself with mud.
  2166. The Weeping Angels natural enemy is not the goldfish.
  2245. Ammunition is not just for closers.
  2254. Covering myself in mud doesn't make me invisible to the elf.
  2280. We aren't starting 5th edition by finding Elminster in the shower wondering about 4th edition.
  2300. It's cute when you train your hamster to attack their eyes. Your weasel not so cute.
  2356. There is no such thing as medicinal melange.
  2398. The Fereldan rules of succession are not just "Two men enter, one man leaves."
  2400. Just because I have the technology, doesn't mean I need to make him better.
  2403. Can't give a shout out in a ransom note.
  2462. My paladin does not have fourth, classified, oath known only to Omnicorp.
• Significant Anagram: Has done this so often he is explicitly required to note aversions.
  2068. If my character's name is not an anagram, I will tell the DM before he spends 30 minutes rearranging letters.
• Silly Reason for War:
  625. I must remember before the next time I shave off the sleeping dwarf's beard and glue it to the sleeping elf, wars have been started that way.
• Similarly Named Works: Invoked.
  1333. I will tell the noob the game is about post nuclear Europe and not love struck vampires before we start.
• Smelly Skunk:
  1036. My druid can't summon or change into a skunk. No seriously, it's not allowed in the rulebook.
• Spanner in the Works: He has a knack for playing this role.
  329. Not allowed to spoil the plot by simply removing the hinges on the door.
• Spare Body Parts: Denied.
  68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs.
• Spit Take:
  2375. I will remember the whole acid spray ability before I cause the Company Chaplain to spit take.
• Stalker with a Crush:
  556. Even though I'm the ranger, I can't stalk the elf babe.
  1805. I won't mention a celebrity that causes another gamer to go all stalker. Sorry in advance Jeannie Mai.
• The Starscream: Not for the sake of ambition, mind you. He just doesn't like having an idiot for an employer.
  1103. Just because I was paid in advance doesn’t mean I can let the incompetent expedition leader die.
• STD Immunity:
  588. Paladins are immune to STDs, but if I take advantage of this ability, I lose it. Wonderful paradox, isn't it?
• Stealth Pun:
  2259. Even if I am allowed to design my own gun, I can't make a .314 Magnum Pistol.
• Stealthy Colossus:
  1837. I won't ask how a 9' combat monster with no concept of subtlety starts with a +1D in stealth.
• Stripperiffic:
  1765. Even if my CO does it, a unitard is not an appropriate SAS uniform.
• Stockholm Syndrome:
  399. When I have to pick a starting dementia, Stockholm Syndrome is not appropriate.
• Stuff Blowing Up:
  15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.
  1270. Weapon Focus: Nukes is not a real feat.
  1352. Even if we are issued a nuke, I'm not allowed to touch it.
  1356. Before we start, let's make sure whether everybody blows up if I shoot a shield with a lasgun.
  1925. Can't disguise a nuclear bomb to look like me.
• Subverted Rhyme Every Occasion:
  46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so.
• Summon Bigger Fish:
  583. Can't intimidate the evil wizard just by constantly summoning bigger versions of what he's just summoned.
• Surprise Party:
  1912. No more surprise parties for the berserker.
• Super Not-Drowning Skills: Uh, no.
  1251. Even the rules disagree, my character can still drown.
  2428. Not allowed to see if it's possible to drown someone in a barrel filled with healing potions.
• Sweet Tooth: Not an inherent quality of halflings.
  1214. I will stop trying to put the Halfling in a diabetic coma.
• Sword and Sorcerer: Has its limits.
  2082. No matter how successful, our party has to be more than a wizard and 5 pikemen.
• Take That!: Almost all of his 4th edition Dungeons and Dragons-related entries are him taking potshots at that game.
  1089. Even if the game is a crappy rip-off of World of Warcraft, my character can't speak in Leet.
  1243. Even if the game is dreadfully repetitive, our party's motto can't be 'Wash, Rinse, Repeat'.
  1464. Cannot use the requisition skill to get a beach house in the Virgin Islands, even if Congress can.
  1773. Can't use a wish spell to make the last Star Wars trilogy not suck.
  1782. I will remember we're playing 4th edition and stop using my imagination.
  2026. I will not try to bring back nipples as a superhero fashion statement.
  2159. Just because my media only put the bare minimum into his journalistic skills doesn't mean he starts at MSNBC.
  2297. When asked for typical barbarian settings, I can't suggest Camden N. J.
  2357. 4chan does not cause more sanity loss than Cthulhu.
• Taking You with Me: Instead of a bomb, he uses a Great Old One.
  171. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur."
• Talking Is a Free Action:
  411. It is bad form to shoot a god while he's monologuing.
  1335. I cannot filibuster in the middle of my dying speech to buy the cleric more time.
• Talking the Monster to Death: Not appreciated by the DMs that Mr. Welch plays with.
  433. I will not find a peaceful solution to the adventure just to piss off the power gamer.
  859. I will concede we're on a dungeon crawl and stop trying to talk to the monsters.
• Talking Your Way Out: Also not appreciated by the DMs.
  1101. I will not cut the vault guards in on the haul instead of fighting them.
• Talk to the Fist:
  707. A throat punch does not give a bonus in a contested philosophy check.
  1148. No matter how long his speech is, my sniper will not shoot the speaker introducing the target.
• Tank Goodness:
  1986. When asked to be the party tank, they didn't mean an Abrams.
• Telefrag: Implied on a massive scale.
  368. My teleporter cannot stop the alien invasion with just the law of displacement, laws of motion, and a huge freakin' asteroid.
• Testosterone Poisoning:
  1336. Even if we are told to pick a manly name for the game, Genocidicles is a bit much.
• There Is No Kill Like Overkill:
  383. It is not ok to use 10,000 rounds to kill two sentries.
  589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it's vetoed if that's the Richter scale.
  808. Covering fire does not include nuclear weapons.
  901. In the middle of the Black Ops a diversion is not blowing off the top twenty floors of the building.
  1016. Even if spells are use them or lose them, I will not waste Meteor Swarms on a goblin.
  1167. I can stop rolling at 7x dead.
  1257. No, the answer to the problem is not to make a gatling gun out of bazookas.
  1357. Preliminary saturation carpet bombing is not automatically Plan A.
  1517. Checking to see if the Mad Slasher is dead is ok, dismembering him with a shotgun is overkill.
  1537. My Rogue Trader does not need to announce his arrival with eight hours of orbital bombardment.
  1595. We aren't raising the villain from the dead because we haven't killed him enough yet.
  1606. If my fireballs always form a mushroom cloud, time to tone it down a bit.
  1819. Strapping dynamite to an arrow is an acceptable cliche. Not the whole keg of gunpowder.
  2139. You can't critically hit with a nuclear weapon.
  2473. Even if the rules allow it, I don't get a sustained fire bonus for nuclear weapons.
• Theremin:
  238. My bard cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass harmonica.
  239. My rockerboy cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass harmonica.
• Threatening Shark: Implied, given the title.
  107. There is no such game as Wereshark the Buffet.
• Throw-Away Guns:
  1532. If it's cheaper to buy a new gun than reload the old one, there's a problem.
• Throwing Down the Gauntlet:
  2335. While it is customary to initiate a duel by striking with a gauntlet, it is also customary to do it at subsonic speeds.
• Thrown Out the Airlock:
  159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.
  536. If a powergamer joins our crew, I will not billet him in the newly furnished auxiliary airlock.
  1201. 'Just blow them out the airlock' is not a backup First Contact Protocol.
  1650. Venting non-essential crew to the void before payday is not an acceptable cost cutting measure.
• Token Minority:
  518. Affirmative Action does not require me to play a drow.
• Too Important to Walk:
  315. My gnome cannot save points on the ride skill simply by asking for piggyback rides everywhere.
• Trailers Always Spoil: Is required to notify the DM about it.
  2419. I am required to tell the DM if the secret villain of the adventure is revealed on the back synopsis of the module screen.
• Translation Convention: Unsurprisingly, this only happens in movies.
  10. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn't mean the GM can.
• Trojan Horse:
  1231. No matter how low Orc intelligence, they aren't going to fall for a large wooden horse outside the gates of Mordor.
• Trail of Bread Crumbs:
  712. When told to leave a trail for the rest of the party to follow, they didn't mean with cigarette butts.
• Training from Hell:
  632. When asked to tutor someone on his defense trait, can't keep punching him until he gets it.
• True Art Is Incomprehensible: Welch is not allowed to invoke it in-universe.
  1396. No matter his condition, we aren't selling the villain's corpse as modern art.
• Truth Serums:
  738. Though highly educational, no more slipping the anti-paladin sodium pentathal.

U-Z

• Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny: In-Universe.
  1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque.
• Unconventional Alignment:
  122. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal.
  651. My alignment is not Sarcastic Good.
  742. Apparently Chaotic Angry and Neutral Hungry aren't real alignments either.
• Unfortunate Names: Lampshaded.
  1305. No amount of background will allow me to name the character Biff Buttoms.
  1639. No giving a character a dumb name so he can pick fights over it later.
• The Unpronouncable:
  459. The vampire clan with vicissitude ^note The Tzimisce is not pronounced 'Karl'.
  561. I can't play a deep gnome just to make the rest of the party have to pronounce Svirfneblin.
  716. I cannot play a race the GM can't pronounce.
  740. Not allowed to give my character a name from a bushman click language.
  2257. Even if my character is Welsh, his name has to include vowels.
• Unsettling Gender-Reveal:
  2222. The Find Traps spell doesn't work on dating websites.
• Unsportsmanlike Gloating: During character creation, apparently.
  1977. If I managed to roll up a half ogre knight errant on 3d6 straight down, no gloating.

  1978. Naming the half ogre Sir Loin of Beef is gloating.
• Unusual Euphemism: Not allowed to use them.
  1684. No making up euphemisms for death.
• Uplifted Animal:
  273. No matter how smart I make my animal companion, he still can't take the tax accountant skill.
  2294. I will stop casting Awaken on the other party members' horses.
• Useless Useful Spell:
  12. Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if I'm the sorcerer.
• Use Your Head:
  1882. The monk counts as adamantine when attacking, not when being used as a battering ram.
• Valley Girl:
  26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin.
• Vampire Hunter: He hunts bloodsuckers with extreme prejudice, it seems.
  30. I am not to kill off all the vampires in the LARP, even if they are terminally stupid.
  109. Not allowed to kill a vampire with any part from a DC-10 larger than my car.
  193. Not allowed to kill vampires with seismic charges.
  217. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can't have it.
  454. No staking a vampire with anything larger than his chest cavity.
  565. My vampire hunter can't have anything he saw on an infomercial at 3am on PBS.
  619. No matter what the dice say, I can't kill a 4th gen vampire with a pump action loaded with buck in a single round.
  660. Walmart is not my one stop shopping place for hunting vampires.
  686. My vampire hunter does not take the "un" out of "undead".
  1113. I will not shoot vampires in the chest with a large pistol just so they have to explain the embarrassing sucking chest wound.
  1116. Add Bulldozers to the list of things vampires are allergic to.
  1403. Can't use dominate to make vampires forget to change their clocks for Daylight Savings Time.
  1521. While not lethal, Ferris Wheels aren't exactly healthy to vampires.
  1851. Can't use woodchippers as shotguns against vampires.
• Verbal Tic:
  478. Castillians do not always end their sentences with the word "Ariba!"
  502. If my character is not named "Grimlock," I cannot start every sentence with "Me Grimlock!"

  516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock.
• Virgin Sacrifice:
  401. When a virgin sacrifice is demanded I will not look knowingly at the paladin, netrunner or Hermetic.
• Vorpal Pillow:
  748. Holding a pillow over a sleeping person's face is not a gnomish expression of affection.
• Walking Shirtless Scene:
  313. My British Superspy does not get a reroll on his seduction check if his shirt gets ripped off.
• Wasteful Wishing: Over a dozen, including...
  227. My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game."
  257. I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes.
  568. My first wish cannot be "I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish".
  569. All 3 of my wishes cannot involve Alpacas.
  653. Cannot wish for the party to have common sense. Even the wish spell has its limits.
  1100. I cannot wish that someone else was an Oscar Meyer weiner.
• Wax Museum Morgue:
  2223. Stone to flesh spells are banned in all major art galleries.
• Waxing Lyrical:
  390. My character's background must be more indepth than a montage of Queen lyrics.
  987. After the battle, my Astartes is to spend his time training and in meditation, not choreographing Gilbert and Sullivan numbers.
• Weaponized Animal:
  37. They do not make black market illegal cyberweapons for rodents.
  2207. We are not stopping the villain with small mammals armed with power tools.
  2420. You can't teach a parrot Power Word Kill.
• Weapon of X-Slaying:
  104. Nor is there a +1 Longsword, +5 against party members.
  206. I cannot forge a +1 sword of Brad's Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying.
• Weight and Switch:
  1727. When facing the classic weight balance trap, can't use the halfling for ballast.
• We Need a Distraction: Greatly limited.
  450. When told to distract the villainess, they didn't mean with a surprise marriage proposal.
  678. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a recreation of the Apollo landing.
  1667. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by playing Wham over their commlinks.
  1668. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by shooting the guy standing next to him.
  1669. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by setting him on fire.
  1783. Distracting the bad guy does not mean with an aztec bar mitzvah.
  1942. Can't distract the villain by sending him a text.
  2183. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a called shot to his appendix.
  2206. Create a distraction doesn't mean with walruses trained in ballroom dance.
  2475. When told to distract the enemy, they didn't mean with a called shot to their flamethrower.
• What Did I Do Last Night?:
  597. The party does not need to know about that time I woke up duct taped to the back of a Drow Matron Mother.
  654. If the party goes into my room and finds a Deva wearing only baby oil, oven mitts and spurs, they can start the module without me.
• Whatevermancy:
  334. Pinball is not a specialization for wizards.
  578. Rectomancy is not a school of magic.
  888. Breast enhancing spells gain no benefits from meta-magic feats.
• What Kind of Lame Power Is Heart, Anyway?:
  250. Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept.
  1191. Super powers that are only useful to art majors are vetoed.
  1210. I will keep rolling until I get a superpower I can actually use.
  1565. Shapechanging is an acceptable super power. Shapechanging only into the '93 San Diego Padres is not.
• Whoring / Crippling Overspecialization:
  69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.
  381. Min/Max for combat=good. Min/Max for accounting=bad.
  1195. I will not min/max the appraise skill just to clean up on The Price Is Right.
  1730. No putting all my weapon points in the blowgun.
  2082. No matter how successful, our party has to be more than just a wizard and 5 pikemen.
  • Incidentally, yes, most variations of the other kind are banned too.
• Wishing for More Wishes:
  97. My one wish cannot be 'I wish everything on this piece of paper was true'.
• With Catlike Tread:
  1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw.
  1624. It is bad form to sing along with the elevator music in a Black Ops.
• Wizard Mode:
  334. Pinball is not a specialization for wizards.
• Woobie, Destroyer of Worlds:
  1751. Lord Soth just does not need a hug.
• Wrestler in All of Us: Denied.
  1842. You can't suplex a lictor.
• You All Meet in a Cell:
  1798. Can't start every game breaking out of jail.
• You All Meet in an Inn: Not good enough for him.
  212. If the party always starts the adventure in a tavern, I cannot opt to start in a brothel.
  1688. Just because he starts every game in a tavern doesn't mean the Barbarian needs rehab.
• You Can Leave Your Hat On:
  351. I cannot take skill Profession: Ecdysiast.
  739. Can't make the Black Ops super easy by sending a couple of strippers to the guardroom first.
  814. Sending the villain a Nymph stripper only works once.
  1244. I will not point out the Drow Matron would make more money as an exotic dancer. Even if it's true.
• You Can't Thwart Stage One:
  1449. Any plan that would quickly, logically and safely defeat the module early is doomed to failure.
  1881. No shooting the Quarren at the start of the adventure, even if it would have immediately solved the last four adventures instantly.
• You Need to Get Laid:
  228. I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW2.
  1898. No hiring Anakin Skywalker some Twi'lek hookers, thus removing his reason to become Vader.
• You Put the "X" in "XY":
  686. My vampire hunter does not take the "un" out of "undead".
  865. I do not put the "cad" in "decadent" or the "rave" in "depraved".
• Your Days Are Numbered:
  1022. Can't start the game with 24 hours to live.
• Your Head Asplode:
  344. No matter how much I make my IQ roll by, I can't make the other guy's head explode.
  1642. No matter what the rules say, antibiotics can't make a man's head explode.
  1791. Can't make the genie's head explode until everybody else has had their wish.
  1846. If the Ork makes his check to solve higher mathematics, his head doesn't explode.
• Your Mom:
  322. My bard knows more songs than just "I Saw Your Mommy".

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