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Funny / The Dom Reviews 2018 Episodes

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The Adventures of Tintin (2011)
  • Because the film adapts multiple comic titles, the usual survey of who read the books and saw the films includes a category for "Remembered reading some Tintin comics but not sure if it was the ones in question, I mean for goodness sake it was years ago."
  • The Dom's offense at the idea of a British warship being used for cargo hauling and being captured by a smaller pirate vessel.
    The Dom: I think you'll find there's absolutely zero historical precedent for that, thank you very much Mr. Hergé.

After the Books According to J. K. Rowling

  • How Harry's Auror job interview might have gone, considering he never finished his seventh year at Hogwarts.
    Ministry official: Ah, Mr. Potter! So wonderful to meet you in person at last! We're all so very honored that you want to join us here at the Ministry, and so very, very grateful for everything you've done for the wizarding world... Um, the thing is, the position of Auror does actually require at least five N.E.W.T.s in Defense Against the Dark Arts, Potions, Transfigura…tion. Ah. Uh, also, we couldn't help but notice that, on your application form, you just wrote, "I'M HARRY POTTER BE-ACH," and included what appears to be a crude drawing of you defeating You-Know-Who, so, I mean it's, it's not exactly...y-you see, because we have to... (sigh) Follow me, I'll take you to your new office, it's on the third floor right next to the Minister's.
  • Terrence considering Neville's post-books fate to be the most tragic of all, as he ended up married to a Hufflepuff.

Tuck Everlasting

  • "A nice, quaint little story is probably the best way to describe this book, if you're the kind of person who can use the word 'quaint' without it sounding vaguely sarcastic. Which I am probably not."
  • Pointing out the actors' obvious shivering while having to pretend to be enjoying a swim.
    The Dom: Y-y-yeah, this is great, I'm definitely not planning to PISS in the director's coffee later for making me do this!
  • The film taking things from the book and playing them up to an extreme:
    The Dom: The Fosters happened to have a nicer-than-average cottage and owned the nearby wood? Well, now they're part of the aristocratic one-percent and SO blue-blooded they're far too good for regular-sized cookies, thank you very much!
  • "You have no idea how clenched my buttocks were while reading this book and seeing the romance between Winnie and Jesse."
  • "Not long into the movie, I started to notice some extra stuff that wasn't in the book, and I couldn't help but feel it was somehow familiar. Then, it hit me - like a giant iceberg to the face."

Fifty Shades Darker

  • "The Dom really meant that [he wouldn't put himself through any more of the Fifty Shades series] when he said it. But life has a funny way of surprising you. And underestimating just how much people love to see you suffer is a terrible mistake to make."
  • A rather unkempt Dom glaring at his watchers, then flicking a cigarette at the camera before downing some alcohol.
    The Dom: You happy now, beautiful watchers? This is what you wanted.
  • "I am only human, and I'm also British, so sometimes the sarcasm just cannot be contained."
  • "If you are unfortunate enough to have read it, and you noticed I described some things out of order, please forgive me... Or don't, I just read Fifty Shades Darker, nothing matters to me anymore."
  • The Dom doesn't even make it through describing the first scene before growling and flipping the book double birds.
  • "Gosh, the guy whose name is Hyde is actually a monster underneath a friendly exterior. You are a master of writing, James."
  • The Running Gag of just how often throughout the synopsis the Dom can use the exact same phrase to describe events in the book:
    The Dom: ...instead of pursuing a resolution to this, she is overcome with lust for him, and they have sex. Afterwards, she decides to let it go, and Grey gets his way."
  • The skit of Ana and Grey at the masquerade ball.
  • Around halfway through, the Dom getting exhausted describing all the horrible things that Grey does that invariably result in sex and Ana excusing him, and so asks his watchers to just assume that they're happening in between the rest of the stuff he describes.
  • "Yes, Ana's horror about finding out that her lover was only interested in her in the first place because of a VAST lack of understanding in regards to what a sadist is, and an Oedipus Complex that would make Sigmund Freud himself go "Scheiße! Girl, get your ass out of zere!" and finding out that the most jealous man in America thought that sending her away so that he could undress his ex was a perfectly acceptable way to spend an afternoon, ONLY LASTED ONE NIGHT, and then she went right back to letting him pound her like yesterday's beef!"
  • The Dom initially tried to listen to the audiobook, wanting to get through it faster and noting that to that end he could speed it up, "and listen to Alvin and the Chipmunks talk about their inner goddess."
  • The artwork of the Dom attacking the book with a sword during his rage-induced meltdown.
  • His impression of how Grey's "gun-wielding crazy ex-sub" ("I mean, yeah she has a name, but come on...") comes across as sounding like Igor.
  • His impression of the doctor's overreaction to Ana not being on birth control.
  • The skits with Ana trying to get Grey to tell her he loves her. Culminating in her head exploding in happiness when he finally says the words.
  • "At one point, the simile 'I woke up and Grey was wrapped around me like ivy' was used, and I can only assume the author was super proud of herself for coming up with that, because it's used two or three more times in the same third of the book...although, I could be remembering that funny, I blacked out a few times while trying to get through this."
  • "When I got to the epilogue where she attempted to set up some suspense for the sequel, I was like, 'Aww, James, you think you can write about something that would be in a real book, that's adorable.'"
  • When listing all the red flags Ana missed/ignored with Grey, a literal red flag waves behind him for each one - then he gets to "And he wants to put his penis in her because she looks like his mother," accompanied by a whole host of red flags.
  • The only slightly charitable thing the Dom can say about the book is that, in comparison to the first book, Fifty Shades Darker "is like being kicked hard repeatedly in the arse instead of the genitalia."
  • The Dom's list of requirements if his watchers want him to review the final book in the series include: finding the Arc of the Covenant and sending him a selfie of them opening it, sixty watchers eating a cake made of raw jalapeño peppers, sacrificing a giraffe to Cthulhu, training a troupe of puppies to reenact the Percy Jackson musical, and getting the Dom a lunch date with Lin-Manuel Miranda.
  • Theorizing that the director selected for the film (who had a rather unimpressive resume) was chosen "because he possessed the important skill of being willing to bend over and be E.L. James's biatch."
  • "All the pop songs in the world are in this film."
  • This time around, the Censor Box covering Ana's boobs is a "Not suitable for most advertisers" notice.
  • " I do wonder if the shift from e-mails to messaging was something the filmmakers did without consulting James, or if someone actually had to sit her down and explain to her how the younger people actually communicate these days. Gosh I hope it was the latter."
  • Pointing out the stupidity of Hyde taking a picture of a photo of Grey and Ana before he even got fired, apparently just so that after he did he could dramatically burn Grey out of it later.
    Hyde's friend: Hey, Jack? Um, why do you have a room full of other people's family photos?
    Hyde: Oh, it's in case any of them cross me someday - I want to be ready to act out some really unsubtle imagery at a moment's notice. I've got this whole thing with a cigarette planned out, it's gonna be badass.
  • The Dom's nipples singing "Rule, Britannia." And then him awkwardly apologizing for taking the joke too far.

Game of Thrones S1 E6

  • The Dom's dramatic reading of Ned's line to Cersei: "Your brother...or your LOVER?" (DUN DUN DAAAAAAAH!)
  • The bit about Littlefinger's manipulations coming across as less subtle in the show.
    Littlefinger: Oh, they left fish behind, did they? It's almost like they're making a personal attack on your wife, Lord Stark, but...that would only bother a super-honorable man, so, you're okay, right?
    Littlefinger: A really big man, hmm? That sounds like Gregor Clegane, who all the smart people know works for Tywin Lannister, the coolest lord with the best kingdom in all the Seven Kingdoms...
    Littlefinger: And you know, I was actually just talking with Tywin the other day, and he said your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries.
    Ned: I sentence Clegane to death!
    Littlefinger: Gosh, what an unexpected result of this conversation.
    • The couple extra takes of the line that pushes Ned to call for Clegane's head, including Littlefinger claiming that Tywin said that Boromir was the worst Lord of the Rings character.
  • The "Marketable Quotes" scoreboard.
  • The Dom having to hold himself back from going on a rant about a future-season issue.

Ready Player One

Stormbreaker

Voldemort: Origins of the Heir - The Dom Reviews

  • Terrence starts off with a talk about how it's a bit harder to be snarky and critical about fan films that are clearly labors of love as opposed to films made by big soulless corporations where everyone involved got paid. Then he finishes with:
    Terrence: Harder but not impossible. This film SUUUUUUUUCKED.
  • Terrence recommends that people go and watch the film before his review, leading to:
    Terrence: For those of you who have already seen it, are returning after having just seen it, or are determined to disobey me like the naughty little ragamuffins you are, let's talk about the plot of this fan film.
  • Describing some Mooks as "HYDRA soldiers if the Red Skull was the Other Mother from Coraline."
  • Tom Riddle's first flashback conversation with Grecia:
    Riddle: FUCK MUGGLES, and FUCK YOU!! I'm going to be the strongest wizard ever and KILL YOU ALLshhhit forget you heard the last part.
    McLaggen: Wow, the way you just yelled at me for no reason makes you even sexier! I bet you will be the strongest wizard ever!
  • Terrence being Terrence, he finds it natural that the Ravenclaw member of the Heirs' Club should be the leader, and surmises that he is trying to help the Hufflepuff member "not suck so much."
    • When Smith engages Riddle in a duel:
      Terrence: Surprising everyone, though, he becomes the first Hufflepuff to actually succeed at som- (breaks off into an extended fit of hysterical laughter) I'm just kidding of course, he gets his ass completely kicked and has to be saved by the Ravenclaw.
  • Terrence's rant on the interrogator's overuse of Veritaserum.
  • The dramatic exclamation of the big plot twist is somewhat undercut by Terrence muddling the second half of Voldemort's name.
  • The full 10 seconds of silence as Terrence processes the plot twist.
  • After a demonstration of the film's...questionable dubbing:
    Johnny: I did not hit her, it's not true, it's bullshit I did not hit her, I did naht. Oh hi Mark.
    • "Don't pretend like you weren't thinking it."
  • Also on the subject of dubbing issues, pointing out how the vocal performances don't always quite match the on-screen acting.
    Terrence: (standing still and calm while dubbed over by his own voice) You can tell I'm super bloody upset because of how BORED I look when I SCREAM at you!!
  • Terrence's Voldemort voice.
    Voldemort: Well...I hid the ring in my mother's old house...the locket in the cave where I tortured those children when I was a boy...the diadem in the school I grew up in...but I think I'm going to hide the diary somewhere random like...ooh, Russia, yes, that feels right.
  • Terrence's reaction to Tom Riddle having a Yorkshire accent.
    Terrence: I just... Come on, my British brothers and sisters, back me up on this, that is fookin' hilarius.
  • When discussing the film's positives, Terrence can't help but comment on a particular piece of eye candy:
    Terrence: Gosh darn, You-Know-Who has got some smolder! I am so scaroused right now.

Fahrenheit 451

  • The whole opening, where the Dom finds a bottle of Terrence's booze lying around, ignores Terrence's note to leave it alone and takes a swig, collapses in pain, and gets back up in the body of an American woman.
    • The subsequent phone call with Terrence:
      Terrence: (Evil Laugh)
      The Dom: I swear, I'm going to fucking kill you again!
      Terrence: ...Wait. What do you mean, "again"?
      The Dom: Long story. Involves a contradictory plot and a time traveler.
      Terrence: Mm. Fair enough.
    • Then it turns out Terrence had intended to Polyjuice the Dom into Cate Blanchett.
      Terrence: (awkwardly examining a box labeled "hair samples") I, uh, really need to label these better.
  • "As you can see, I'm slightly out of my comfort...body..."
  • Snarking about "the most PC non-sexual sex scene in the history of uptight British cinema."
  • Jesus on TV shilling an electric floor-scrubber.
  • The Dom occasionally dropping some British slang in his new American accent.
  • Wishing that the film had included Faber being a voice in Montag's ear when he was doing something stupid.
    Faber: Montag! Montag! Stop it, you little dumbass, you're making a right tit out of yourself!
  • Before getting to his final thoughts, the Dom is distracted by his new boobs.
    The Dom: These are so distracting...how do women get anything done?...

Game of Thrones S1 E7

  • The Dom lamenting his decision to cosplay for these Game of Thrones reviews, as he has since moved to California and is subsequently boiling in his black Night's Watchman costume.

Fahrenheit 451 (2018) - The Dom Reviews

  • "You know, it really is interesting when things come full circle like this. Equilibrium was basically Fahrenheit 451 if it were an action movie, and now Fahrenheit 451 is basically Equilibrium...if it was really, really boring."
  • "Yeah. Emoji are villainized in this. This should tell you a lot about what you need to know about this film."
  • "Yeah, apparently these guys have figured out how to shrink all of humanity's knowledge down into a single particle of DNA, but just cannot figure out how to handle a GPS locator."
  • "Montag sneaks into the building to find all the book-memorizers dead, but the bird still alive, because, as you all know, starlings are more resistant to smoke inhalation."
  • The Dom's first point after the plot synopsis: "WHERE ARE MY MOTHERFUCKING MECHANICAL HOUNDS, YOU WANKERS?!"
  • "The only way to stop the internet is to flamethrower people's routers and keyboards, because that's how them pesky computer-things work, right? I-i-if I smash the keyboard I delete the facebook!"
  • The Dom positing the theory that having Michael B. Jordan on fire at some point in your film is a sign that it's going to bomb.

Nightbreed

  • The Dom freaking out over the film's use of Claymation.
  • "Oh yes, I totally believe this is a real thing. I am looking at a graveyard that's definitely not a painting. Oh, the eighties. Yeah I know it was technically the nineties, but it still counts."
  • "I think the makers of this film forgot that being R-rated meant they could show boobs, because there's no boobs until right near the end, then suddenly there's boobs for little to no reason."
  • The Dom's skeptical acceptance of the film's pronunciation of "Baphomet".
  • Comparing one of the film's monsters to "the fucking moon from the McDonald's commercial."
  • The voice the Dom uses for the studio interference. "No, no, no, you need to end on a big old battle with one-liners and shit, not a one-sided slaughter that makes people feel bad!"
  • "The film left out what was probably the single WEIRDEST FUCKING THING from the book. Actually, scratch that, it's the weirdest fucking thing in ANY book." Then there's the subsequent Hurricane of Euphemisms after the Dom describes the thing.
    The Dom: You really have to wonder about Clive Barker. I mean...when he sees a drawing of Cthulhu, do you think his first thought is, "Aaaww, yeah, I'd love to blow my load all over those tentacles..."
  • The return of "HEDGES ARE NOT SCARY!"
    The Dom: ...which, admittedly, isn't all that relevant, I just wanted to work it in here somewhere.

Scream Street

  • "In the absence of a multi-story-encompassing quest with actual stakes, the kids now partake in... what is probably best described as shenanigans. Some of which could be described as significantly wacky."
  • "Good lord, if this is him before puberty, he's gonna sound like Darth Vader by the time he's twenty!"

The Dom Reviews YOU, Episode Two

Babe

  • The Running Gag of the Dom having mini-freakouts over the implications of a world where farm animals of human-level intelligence are still used for food, before being cut off by a "TAKING A CHILDREN'S BOOK TOO SERIOUSLY" warning.
    The Dom: Holy moly this is some Animal Farm-level stuff, EVERY HUMAN IN THIS WORLD IS COMPLICIT IN GENOCIDE!!
  • "The single most plot-relevant addition to the movie is probably Grumpy Hugo Weaving Dog... who you can call 'Rex', but why would you when you can call him Grumpy Hugo Weaving Dog." This is followed by a quick dubbed clip in which Rex ominously discusses the threat of Mordor with the farm.

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms

  • When trying to explain who's currently on the throne and what position Aegon (one of the main characters) holds in the line of succession, Dominic goes on a bit of a rant because "Have you ever seen a Targaryen family tree?!? They keep using the same five names over and over again and they only add a number to it if they were a king or queen, and don't even get me started on how much the incestuous marriage thing complicates matters!!!"

Game of Thrones S1 E8

  • "Nakeeeed Hodor!"
  • Playing the "naked Hodor" music over shots of a fully-clothed Lord Commander Mormont after mentioning that he had also been naked during one of the adapted scenes.
  • The summary of how Joffrey's decision to order Barristan Selmy arrested in the book went down:
    Janos Slynt: I'll do it, milord, I'll send some of my best gold cloaks to apprehend the old geezer.
    TWO HOURS LATER
    Janos Slynt: Okay, so...all the men I sent are dead, apparently he had a small dagger, and, well... maybe you shouldn't have fired him after all, he's kind of a death machine.

Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little Life

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

  • "To address some of your comments, yes, 'The Scott Pilgrimage' would have been a better name than 'The Scott Pilgrim-athon'. But, what you have to take into account is... shut up."

Scott Pilgrim and the Infinite Sadness

Scott Pilgrim Gets It Together

  • The Dom's experience of Canadian summer.
  • Declaring the most relatable thing in the comic to be its portrayal of "the uniquely tortuous way that the catering industry somehow manages to be both hectic and monotonous at the same time."

Scott Pilgrim Vs The Universe

  • "Ah, Coke Zero. All the lack of flavor of a sugar-free drink, while still being filled with enough chemicals to sterilize a homicide crime scene."

Scott Pilgrim: The Final Final Thoughts

  • After defeating NegaDom, the Dom briefly wonders if he should be concerned about this representing any repressed memories... then shrugs it off as them likely being Fifty Shades-related.
  • "I'm not even entirely convinced the film version of [Ramona] even likes Scott, and... well, okay, yeah, that's fair, why would you, he's a dick."
  • At the end of the review, NegaDom comes back, but doesn't really want to fight again.
    The Dom: ...All right, come on, I'll tell Terrence we have another one.

The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

  • Interrupting his opening monologue with an "editor's note" when he remembered something wrong about the 80s BBC adaptation. "I learned a valuable lesson about research this day."
  • The Dom literally being hit over the head with C. S. Lewis's religious allegory.
  • Pausing in the middle of the plot synopsis to give a Motor Mouth summary of what Turkish Delight is.
  • The Dom doesn't really find the "never Christmas" part of the White Witch's curse to be that awful.
  • "Partway into their journey to the Stone Table, they meet... um... Father Christmas. As you do."
  • Calling Father Christmas "Lord Commander Mormont".
  • Regarding Peter's army being on the brink of defeat:
    The Dom: [Scottish accent] If they'd only thought to bring some of the ol' Twirly Whirlys!
  • The blink-and-you'll-miss-it flash of something when the Dom describes Aslan leaving because he's got other places to watch over.
  • The Dom's surprise at having to bring back the "Because ''The Lord of the Rings'' Did It" section from the Hobbit reviews.
    Disney exec 1: Wait, didn't Tolkien have a BFF who also wrote bestselling fantasy novels?
    Disney exec 2: Yes, but I think they were intended for really young children.
    Disney exec 1: That's not a deal-breaker, what's really important is: did they have huge battles in them?
    Disney exec 2: They did, but... I'm pretty sure they always happened offscreen.
    Disney exec 1: Not anymore. [both grin]

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