Lame Comeback

Imaginary Man: Face it, Nemesis! Without your flowers, you're no match for me!
Nemesis: Oh, yeah? Well...ssshut up!

— Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends

In a situation where the usual tropes call for a clever rejoinder, sometimes the absence of one can have the same effect (as far as the audience is concerned). At best, the retort is ineffectually weak or too nonsensical to hurt its target. At worst, the speaker can't even string together coherent words.

Related to Comeback Tomorrow, except here there is no comeback.

Also see Dissimile, Metaphorgotten and Buffy Speak for different kinds of subverted verbal setups. See Your Mom, Big, Stupid Doodoo-Head, You Are Fat and No, You for sub- and related tropes.

Truth in Television; you know who you are.

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Examples:

Advertising

• "I'm not a chicken; you're a turkey!"

Anime and Manga

• In the Funimation dub of Dragon Ball Z: Vegeta, during the losing half of his fight with Android 18:
  Vegeta: You should be impressed. Very few are willing to train as intensely as I have for this kind of power!
  Android 18: How sad, to work so hard... for so little.
  Vegeta: Sad FOR YOU!
• This appears to be a trend with Vegeta fighting Androids, as evidenced by Vegeta fighting Super 17 in Dragon Ball GT:
  Super 17: I have to admire your ability to stand up after that.
  Vegeta: And I admire your ability to die!
• In Naruto, during the duel between Naruto and Sasuke, we get this comeback:
  Sasuke: Naruto, you may be special, but... I am more special.
• Subverted in Bleach when Ichigo roars, "Shut up!" after Ginjo gave him a Break Them by Talking. Ginjo mocks him and says attempting a Shut Up, Hannibal! by simply telling the other person to shut up means you have no argument to counter the other person's words. Ichigo tells Ginjo to shut up, informs him that he'd been telling Ishida to shut up, then expertly refutes Ginjo's argument.
• In Digimon Adventure 02, when Takeru runs into Ken (still in his Digimon Kaiser persona), the latter commends him for being so bold to storm into his fortress when he controls "the Powers of Darkness". Takeru laughs at him and delivers a little "The Reason You Suck" Speech, telling him that he doesn't know the real meaning of "the Powers of Darkness" and will pay dearly for it. Ken immediately breaks into angrily calling Takeru "Maggot!" repeatedly, prompting Takeru to ask if that's all he can say.

Comic Books

• Scott Pilgrim:
  • It happens a lot to the main character.
    Scott I... but... it's... not... it's totally... it's... y...you're not the boss of... me?
  • Later:
    Scott: This band sucks.
    Monique: That's what they'll be saying about you on Sunday.
    Scott: At least I... wait... something... you... insult...
    Ramona: Scott, that was not a good comeback.
    Stephen Stills: That was actually not bad for Scott.
  • Even later:
    Scott: Shut up, you... guy...
    Wallace: Better comebacks, Scott!
  • This also happens to some of the Evil Exes, like Matthew Patel in the first volume...
    Scott: C'mon, man, dish! Got any embarrassing stories?
    Matthew: Your Mom is an embarrassing story!
  • ...and Todd Ingram in the third volume:
    Scott: I don't like you.
    Todd: Tell it to the cleaning lady on Monday.
    Scott: ... Huh?
    Todd: Because you'll be dust by then.
    Scott: ...?
    Todd: Because I'm going to pulverize you sometime this weekend. And the cleaning lady, she... cleans dust. She dusts. And she has weekends off, so Monday... [to Envy] Right?
    Envy: What the hell are you talking about?
• Doom:
  The Doom Marine: Stupid! Stupid! Stupid imp! You're stupid! And you're gonna be stupid and dead!
• Dr Dinosaur of Atomic Robo is just a bit too scrambled to manage anything that doesn't sound infantile.
  Robo: You're losing control!
  Dr Dinosaur: It's your face that's losing control!
  Robo: What does that mean?
• Chaos War: Invoked by the Chaos King in the Fourth-Wall Mail Slot in Issue #2.
  Amadeus Cho: C'mon, dazzle us with some REAL invective!
  Chaos King: Shut up, you. Yeah, you. / Start with the shutting up now. / Then shut up some more.
• Robin (1993): Tim Drake and Spoiler catch the leader of a gang who are selling guns to kids. Robin asks him who is supplying the guns and the thug tells him the tooth fairy. Tim tells him that he is going to be giving the tooth fairy a lot of business unless he starts talking. Stephanie notes that was a good one.

Fan Works

• The CATverse story "Vacation Time". Following assault and/or battery with a notebook:
  Al: And if you hit me with that again, well, good luck getting your notebook removed from your colon. I hear that involves very delicate surgery.
  Captain: Well, I heard... that... you suck.
• RWBY: Reckoning had Blake comment on how Yang wanted to try and help Darrel clean up after a routine at the gym. Darrel's response?
  Darrel: Oh, go and get high on catnip.
• In Return of the Primarchs, when Boreale and Azrael have a war of insults, the latter mocks the former's Space Marine chapter for being thieves. Boreale responds calling Azrael's hat stupid, which is enough to give the man a Flat "What" moment.
• In The Cracks That Show Dudley mocks Harry for not buying comic books at a comic shop.
  Dudley: He bought chick-lit mum. Honestly Harry I take you to a store where I think it's impossible to buy anything uncool and you go straight to the dorkiest shelf ever. He took one look at my comic and just turned his nose straight up. All those spells and potions have really messed up your brain.
  Harry: Well...you...suck!
• In The Very Secret Diary, Ginny is able to deduce Tom Riddle's past, and point blank tells him why she doesn't feel sorry for him at all.
  Ginny: I have been thinking. Harry is an orphan, and he is not horrible. And Prissy has everything she wants, and she is still nasty. So I do not know how much it counts. I cannot work out what is wrong with you.
  Tom: Get. Out.
• In How the Light Gets In: Laurel and Dean start to get hot and heavy (outside her father's apartment no less) only for Sara to deliberately interrupt them, and get them back on track:
  Sara: I get it. You're horny. But you're standing right outside our dad's apartment. Also, you were holding the doughnuts hostage. [takes doughnuts] You can be gross later.
  Dean: You...Your face is gross. [long pause as both Sara and Laurel look at him in disappointment] It's been a long day.
  Laurel: That's no excuse.
  Sara: Mary^note Mary is Dean and Laurel's four year-old daughter could do better than that.
• From the Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series episode "Yami of Darkness":
  Yugi: God, you are such a slut.
  Yami: Yeah, well... you're really small.
• Dragon Ball Z Abridged:
  • This exchange between Vegeta and Android 19:
    Vegeta: You expect to beat ME with this Automa-Ton of Fun?
    Android 19: Registering insult. Retort: You are short and your hairline is receding.
    Vegeta: Ooh! Scathing!
  • Also this gem from episode 31:
    Kami: You do know that [fusing] technique is forbidden, Piccolo.
    Piccolo: Your face is forbidden!
    Nail: Sadly, that was the best one up here.
    Piccolo: SHUT IT, NAIL!
  • And again in Episode 38:
    Vegeta: So, we havin' a party?
    Piccolo: Must be, 'cuz you're late.
    Vegeta: Only because of this brat's constant back-chat!
    Trunks: Because you flew 200 miles past North City!
    Vegeta: And I'm about to put my hand 200 miles upside your head!
    Trunks: That doesn't make any sense!
• This segment from I'm a Marvel... And I'm a DC:
  Nightwing: You're nothing but a hack, McGinnis!
  Terry McGinnis: You got issues, Dick.
  Nightwing: No you're the... issues person.
• In Neither a Bird nor a Plane, it's Deku!, Izuku fails to come up with a witty insult for Mister Mxyzptlk. Its gets lampshaded, only for Izuku to come up with another terrible one.
  Izuku: I'm going to ask you again: what are you doing here… you!
  Mxyzptlk: Okay, brains clearly aren't my friends' specialty.
  Izuku: Sh-Shut up! Just tell me what you're doing here!
• Blessed Blood:
  Moaning Myrtle: YOUR HAIR IS STUPID!
  Lockhart: YOU SMELL LIKE A TOILET!
  Moaning Myrtle: SO DO YOU, AND YOU DON'T LIVE IN ONE!
  Lockhart: YOU'RE... YOU'RE... A DUMB GIRL!
• In Three-Point Shot, during the first trial, the culprit tries to throw people off by mocking the "half-rate science-fair project" that Kaede's "boyfriend" Shuichi did to prove her innocence. When Kokichi snarkily comments that it's a nice way to change the topic, the culprit fires back, "You shut up, you little brat!"
• The Naruto fic Son of the Sannin has this exchange between Sasori and Hinata during the Gaara Rescue arc, when Sasori announces his intention to turn Hinata into one of his puppets:
  Sasori: Oh, I can't wait until I can turn you into a work of art!
  Hinata: And I can't wait until I can turn you into... uh... Naruto-kun is much better at this than I am. Anyway, your art career will end today!
• Full Circle has this exchange between Olympia and Oona when Otis asks them what shipping is.
  Olympia: You should explain it.
  Oona: Me? You're his partner!
  Olympia: Well you're his...Scientist!
• Invader Zim: A Bad Thing Never Ends: When Gaz points out that Zim's plan to flood the Membranes' neighborhood with sewage from the City Cesspool will affect his house too (as he lives on the other end of said neighborhood), all he can give in response is "Nuh-uh", causing her to roll her eyes.

Films — Animation

• In an earlier version of Turning Red, Mei was going to run for class president against Tyler and the debate would have involved Mei attempting to respond to Tyler calling her a nerd by calling him "half-nerd half-fart" which he would have barely reacted to.

Films — Live-Action

• Singin' in the Rain: "I make more money than... Calvin Coolidge... put together!"
• The Big Lebowski contains an example that, due to the Dude's sheer unflappable laid-backness contrasted with Jesus Quintana's over-the-top arrogance, turns this trope into an artform, to the point where Memetic Mutation has in fact made this an actual comeback that is successful. Quoted above:
  Jesus: You ready to be fucked, man? I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna fuck you up.
  The Dude: Yeah, well, you know, that's just like... uh... your opinion, man.
• Happens in Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah. In the most golden way ever...
  Navy Sailor: Take that, you dinosaur.
• In Tommy Boy, after Tommy sets a bag of M&M's on the dashboard and they pour into an open slot:
  Richard Hayden: Oh, that sounds good: melted chocolate inside the dash, that really ups the resale value.
  Tommy Callahan: I think you'll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. 'Surprised you didn't know that.
  Richard: I think your brain has a thick candy shell.
  Tommy: Your... Your brain has the... shell on it.
  Richard: Are you talking?
  Tommy: Shut up, Richard.
• In Funny People, George is verbally abusing Ira after Ira has inadvertently destroyed George's admittedly slim chances of getting back together with "The One That Got Away". Ira — having put up with all the shit he's willing to take from George by this point — proceeds to completely demolish George and basically pegs him as a pathetic, bitter, self-absorbed and self-loathing man who, even if he had everything he ever wanted, still would find some way to fuck it up and be completely miserable because he doesn't even know how to be happy himself, much less inspire it in other people. Faced with this verbal assault, George's comeback — that Ira isn't funny — is exactly as pathetic as it sounds. And unfortunately, Ira has a comeback for that also: "Well, if that means I'm less like you, then good."
• From Serenity:
  Mal: You want to run this ship?
  Jayne: Yeah!
  Mal: Well... you can't!
• In Hook, Robin Williams is a grown-up Peter Pan when he engages in the verbal duel with Rufio. He quickly develops his own successful brand of insults, though. His opponent, Rufio, is eventually reduced to calling him "You stupid... you stupid man!"
• Hercules Returns: Ursus mocks Samson, trying to provoke him into a fight to see whether or not he's faking the loss of his strength. Samson's response?
  Samson: [pitifully] I'm really angry now. You know what you are? You're a big poop.
• Anchorman
  • Brick Tamland, has a few of these.
    Brick: Where'd you get your clothes... the... toilet store?
  • Before the big reporter brawl:
    Ron Burgundy: You dirtbags have been in third place for five years!
    Frank Vitchard: Yeah?! Well you're about to be in... dead place!
• Napoleon Dynamite has tons of this.
  Kip: Your mom goes to college!
• In Shallow Hal, after Jason Alexander brags that he is "bigger", Hal takes about 8 seconds to respond "Yeah, bigger than a mouse's". Jason calls him out on taking too long; that's why it's called a "quip", not a "slowp".
• In Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle, towards the end, when Harold confronts his two co-workers.
  Harold: Back off, cock-boy. What I say to him goes double for you.
  Co-Worker: Cock-boy? You just call me cock-boy?
  Harold: Yeah, you know I did. You're just stalling because you're not quick enough to think of a comeback.
  Co-Worker: You think I'm not quick enough - guy thinks I'm not quick enough! Well I got news for you! I AM quick enough... (beat) Cock-Boy!
• Manta, Manta from Germany. The main character who drives an Opel Manta and becomes the Butt-Monkey of a radio moderator who tells Manta jokes all the time. Finally, he gets revenge when he breaks in at the radio station and has the opportunity to say his opinion on the radio.
  Bertie: What's the difference between a guy telling Manta jokes and an asshole? There is none!
• Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home: "Well... double dumbass on you!" Justified because it's a time-traveling James Kirk talking and proper use of 20th century slang isn't exactly part of the Starfleet Academy curriculum.
• All of Me:
  Peggy: I faked all of those orgasms! "Aaah! Aaaaaah! Oooooh! YESSS!" Sound familiar?
  Roger: Oh yeah?! Well I faked... all of mine... too.
• In Spring Break Lawyer, Senator Claxton (who is trying to use the current case against the protagonist's friend as an example why Spring Break should be banned) and Jay Garvey, the titular "Spring Break Lawyer", are having a verbal joust during a break in court.
  Senator Claxton: You're going to wish you never got off that plane.
  Jay Garvey: Well, you're going to wish you never got off your... plane.
• The Big Bad's completely lame comeback in the Jet Li film Kiss of the Dragon:
  Liu Jian: I put a needle in your neck.
  Richard: That's it?
  Liu Jian: In a certain point. Very forbidden. It's called the Kiss of the Dragon.
  Richard: Kiss my ass!
• In Zoolander, after Hansel tells Derek to "Derelict [his] balls", Derek eventually makes his way to one of these:
  Derek: You think that you're too cool for school, but I have a newsflash for you Walter Cronkite... you aren't.
• In Scooby-Doo: Monsters Unleashed, when a pair of bike-riding teens insult Mystery Inc. over the incident at the Coolsonian, Daphne tells the others, "We need to think of a comeback". The comeback she comes up with? "Hey! [Beat] Shut up!" The teens just laugh derisively and ride off.
• In DodgeBall: A True Underdog Story, when White mocks Steve the Pirate, Peter counters with "First of all, he is way more of a pirate than you will ever be."
• In The Dark Knight Rises, Batman feels the need to respond to Bane's taunting, rhetorical question of "Are you here to die with your city?" with the very pithy, not at all obvious "No, I'm here to stop you." And the soundtrack treats it like a monumental piece of dialogue has just been uttered.
• The Gentlemen: In Coach's first scene, he gets in an argument with some chavs and spends a good 30 seconds smack-talking them, before pausing and excitedly asking them to hit him back. The best any of them can come up with is a simple "fuck you".
  Coach: Jesus, that's disappointing.
• Happy Gilmore has Shooter McGavin fall afoul of this a few times, most notably...
  Shooter: I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!
  Happy: You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?
  Shooter: (Extended Beat) ...No!

Literature

• In American Psycho, when somebody calls the protagonist a "fucking yuppie", he responds: "Hey... You may think I'm a really disgusting yuppie but I'm not, really."
• In Castle Hangnail, when Molly challenges the Evil Sorceress Eudaimonia, the sorceress immediately produces a snappy comeback, which Molly is unable to think of a snappy response to. The narrator notes that Evil people have an unfair advantage when it comes to snappy comebacks, which Molly doesn't share because she's merely Wicked.
• Kate Daniels's banter tends to be hit-and-miss. When she's on her game, she's pretty witty. When she's off-balance, her inner monologue and the people around her are perfectly willing to point out how embarrassed she should be.
• Skulduggery Pleasant is usually the epitome of wit and snark. When Serpine uses magic to pull him into a brick wall, we get this instead:
  Serpine: Where are your oh-so-clever taunts now?
  Skulduggery: You've got big ears!
• In the Discworld novel Pyramids, Ptaclusp IIb (a cosmic-minded architect) tells his twin brother Ptaclusp IIa (an accountant) "The trouble with you is you know the price of everything and the value of nothing". IIa retorts "And the trouble with you is... is that you don't!"
• From the first Artemis Fowl book. He recognises how lame his comeback was and notes that he will have to create a list of good comebacks for future use. Note that Artemis is usually very well-spoken and intelligent. It's used to emphasize how he's breaking down as his plan falls apart.
  Holly: That's right, Mud Boy. Play time's over. Time for the professionals to take over. If you're a good boy, I'll buy you a lollipop when I come back.
  Artemis: [some time later] I don't like lollipops.
• In one of The Savannah Reid Mysteries, Savannah's new brother-in-law is arguing with his wife, who tells him he "sucks". His response? "You suck worser!"
• Dave Barry has suggested that people who get angry in traffic exchange phone numbers so they can call each other back "when we've had time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library".
• In his short story "I, The Hunted", humorist Patrick McManus includes this exchange from his childhood:
  "We'll see about that, you puny little rat!" Skragg snarled.
  "Yeah, and you got dandruff!" I retorted. I made a mental note to work on my repertoire of insults. Dandruff, for pity's sake.
• From Every Dead Thing:
  Louis: Says the guy with a towel on his dick.
  Angel: It's a big towel.
• In Animorphs: The Android, Marco is on the receiving end of a barb from Rachel, and all he can come up with in return is, "Yeah, well... you're really tall." Marco then narrates something to the effect of: somehow this brilliant comeback did not reduce Rachel to tears.
• In A Christmas Carol, Ebenezer Scrooge asks his jubilant nephew Fred, "What reason have you to be merry? You're poor enough." To which Fred responds with, "What reason have you to be dismal? You're rich enough." Scrooge can't come up with a good rejoinder to that on the spur of the moment, and so just repeats his "Bah! Humbug!" quote, which shockingly has no impact on his nephew's good cheer.

Live-Action TV

• In Selfie, Bryn and Henry have a passive-aggressive exchange after Henry rejects the advances of Bryn's friend, Wren. He says thank you and she says "I meant that as a burn." "So did I." "'Thank you' was your burn?" Then, at the end of the episode,
  Henry: Oh, and one more thing. Bryn, for someone with such a large welcome mat, you aren’t very welcoming. Burn returned, m’dear.
  Bryn: That's your burn? How long did it take you to come up with that?
• Blackadder: The various incarnations of Edmund Blackadder did this a few times despite being usually quite quick with a comeback:
  • In Blackadder II:
    Captain Rum: Damn courtiers to the Queen, you're nothing but lapdogs to a slip of a girl!
    Blackadder: Better a "lapdog to a slip of a girl" than a... git!
    Captain Rum: Haha! So you do have some spunk in you!
  • In Blackadder The Third, George combines this with Comeback Tomorrow, because he can't even think of a lame comeback on the spur of the moment:
    George: Only the other day, Prime Minister Pitt called me an idle scrounger, and it wasn't until ages later that I thought how clever it would have been to have said, "Oh, bugger off, you old fart!"
• M*A*S*H had numerous instances where Frank Burns got insulted and the most he could come back with was, "You ... guys!"
• Friends:
  • When Chandler is in a fight with his girlfriend:
    Girl: I'm leaving. Call me when you decide to grow up!
    Chandler: Well, don't expect that to happen anytime soon!
  • Chandler, despite being known for his sense of humor, has a lot of these:
    Joey: [while playing football] Prepare to feel very bad about yourself.
    Chandler: Hey, well, I've been preparing for that my entire life! ...Or something about you that's mean!
• That '70s Show:
  • In the episode "Eric's Depression" Eric and Donna have a shouting match (it was shortly after their breakup) in which Donna calls Eric a dillhole. Eric's response is to call her a "double dillhole". As soon as Donna leaves he berates himself for saying something that stupid.
  • In the episode "Eric's Hot Cousin":
    Jackie: Lobster face!
    Donna: Little Red Riding... Bitch!
  • In the same episode:
    Donna: Eric, my sunburn will fade, but your shame will last forever.
    Eric: Yeah well, at least my shame won't... peel.
• Supernatural:
  • Ruby: It's called witchcraft, shortbus.
    Dean: You're the shortbus... shortbus.
  • And:
    Eliot Ness: You look like some kind of bindlestiff.
    Dean: Stiff your br—bin-– what?
  • And again with poor Dean:
    Crowley: Well, I forgot you two at best are functioning morons—
    Dean: You're functioning... morons...
  • Although Dean is generally a quite witty character, catching him off-guard seems to result in a lot of No, You responses.
    Sam: Our dark spots are pretty dark.
    Dean: You're... dark.
• The Larry Sanders Show: Hank is guest-hosting the show and letting his ego get out of control. Phil, the head writer, isn't impressed.
  Hank: Hey, hey — you like your job?
  Phil: No.
  Hank: ... Well watch it.
  • In another episode, Hank is trying to persuade a skeptical Artie that he can be the host at a celebrity roast planned for Larry, and to prove it, asks Artie to stage being a heckler:
    Artie: Listen, I'm very busy, and I got a sore throat...
    Hank: C'mon, heckle me! Don't worry! Hit me hard.
    Artie: [without missing a beat] GET OFF THE STAGE, YOU FUCKIN' MORON! I'VE TAKEN SHITS MORE INTERESTING THAN YOU ARE! YOU'RE NOTHIN' BUT LARRY SANDERS'S PERSONAL BUTT-BITCH! SO SHUT YOUR FUCKIN' FAT FACE AND GET YOUR GODDAMN BLOATED ASS OFF THE STAGE, MOTHER FUCKER!!!
    Hank: [deeply hurt, almost in tears] ... Jesus, Artie!
    Artie: Good comeback.
• Glee:
  • Shannon Beiste. Her comebacks are actually so lame that they leave her rival Sue speechless.
    Beiste: Do not get up in The Panther's business, lady. You're all coffee and no omelette.
    Sue: [whispering to herself] That doesn't make any sense...
  • The Season 5 episode "Previously Unaired Christmas" has Marley make a valiant effort at countering Kitty's insult about her virginity. Unfortunately, Marley isn't very practiced at insulting people, so this is all she can come up with:
    Marley: Well... you wear a smaller bra than me.
• The West Wing has this a couple times.
  • One when Sam meets Mallory after she dumped him following his whole "being-photographed-with-a-callgirl" scandal:
    Sam: Can I just say I was the one who was in trouble? I was the one under siege, it was my picture in the paper and I don't know why I need to call you and explain myself.
    Mallory: It was a picture of you and a callgirl.
    Sam: Oh, like there aren't any pictures of you and a callgirl.
    Mallory: No. There aren't any pictures of me and a callgirl.
    Sam: ... Well, that's a crime.
  • Another example:
    Josh: Let's do this: find out what her problem is, solve it and then, I don't know, do something else.
    Donna: You're the reason there are term limits.
    Josh: Yeah? You're the reason... Nothing. Nothing's happening. Nothing's there.
• The Newsroom:
  • Charlie and Sloan on the issue of lame comebacks:
    Charlie: Hey, Money skirt!
    Sloan:The day will come when we have an HR rep who cares what goes on on this floor. And on that day, sir, I will dance upon your grave.
    Charlie: Reciting stock quotes and wearing a skirt?
    Sloan: How much time do I have to formulate a comeback?
    Charlie:That was it. The first thing out of your mouth is the comeback - you wasted yours on a question about comebacks.
• Spaced:
  • When Tim and Daisy are arguing about Tim's desire to get back with his unfaithful, selfish and manipulative ex-girlfriend, who has made overtures to him:
    Tim: This is something that I've always wanted! You have things you want — you're always going on about going to Asia and seeing the Taj Mahal.
    Daisy: I do want to go to Asia! I do want to see the Taj Mahal! The difference is, the Taj Mahal didn't sleep with its boss behind my back and break my heart!
    Tim: Yeah, well... it might if you go to Asia.
  • Tim makes another lame comeback after claiming Daisy's dog, Colin, will eventually grow up to savage the man repairing the tumble dryer:
    Daisy: We don't have a tumble dryer...
    Tim: You will my friend, you will...
• Lyle's inability to come up with a decent comeback is what drives his romantic interest in an episode of Kingdom (2007).
• In The Big Bang Theory:
  [Sheldon's phone rings]
  Leslie: Don't turn it off, you might miss your call from the Nobel committee letting you know you've been nominated as Dumbass Laureate of the year.
  Sheldon: Oh yeah? Well... you wouldn't even be nominated!
• The Monkees: Famous line by Micky (who often mixes up his words).
  Ronnie: I'm going to contact the authorities!
  Micky: ...You do and I'll be sorry!
• Requisite Buffy the Vampire Slayer examples:
  • In "Out of Mind, Out of Sight" Cordelia is giving out chocolates to drum up votes to become May Queen.
    Cordelia: Here's a chocolate... [realises it's Buffy] Oh, I don't think I need the loony-fringe vote.
    Buffy: Well, I don't even like chocolates! [to herself] Okay, that was the lamest comeback of our times.
  • And this one from "Fear Itself"...
    Buffy: Let's be realistic, Willow, your basic spells are usually only about 50/50.
    Willow: Oh yeah? Well... so's your face!
  • In "Superstar", reality is changed so Buffy is overshadowed by another superhero, affecting her confidence and therefore Deadpan Snarker skills.
    Spike: Back off, Betty.
    Buffy: It's Buffy, you big bleached... stupid guy.
  • Post-spikeification, Spike managed a few of these himself.
    Spike: And, I never really liked you, and, and, and, you have stupid hair.
    Buffy: ...
  • A deleted scene (though still viewable in the first pilot) has Xander shouting after Cordelia, "Check back tomorrow! I'll have that devastating comeback ready!"
• Seinfeld:
  • The plot of one episode was George regretting not using a good comeback on a guy who burned him. The comeback was "The jerk store called, and they're running out of you!" (in response to 'George, the ocean called and they're running out of shrimp' because George was stuffing his face with shrimp) The others immediately point out how utterly nonsensical it is and try to give him suggestions for better comebacks, but he's so proud of this that he travels to a city he doesn't want to go to, and makes an ass of himself again, just so the guy will insult him again so he can make this comeback. After all that, the guy deflects it in two seconds with "what does it matter? You're their all-time best seller!". The best that George can come up with in response is 'Oh yeah? Well...I had sex with your wife!' to which George is told that his wife is in a coma. By the end of the episode George is racing back to the airport having come up with yet another comeback.
  • In the episode "The Dealership", Elaine criticizes Puddy (her boyfriend) for constantly giving the high-five to people:
    Elaine: You're a salesman now — and the high-five is... it's very grease monkey.
    Puddy: What did I tell you about that?
    Elaine: I'm sorry, but the high-five is just so stupid.
    Puddy: Oh yeah? I'll tell you what's stupid. You. Stupid.
    Elaine: Well, that is really mature.
    Puddy: Yeah? So are you.
    Elaine: Huh?
    Puddy: You're the grease monkey.
• From The Mighty Boosh:
  Bob Fossil: Hey Moon. What are you supposed to be, Zorro on gay night?
  Howard: ...
  Bob Fossil: ... Nice comeback.
  Howard: [after Fossil leaves] Uh, yeah well... your uniform is too tight and you look stupid!
• From Lost, in one of the instances where Hurley gets tired of Sawyer's nicknames:
  Sawyer: What's your problem, Jumbotron?
  Hurley: Shut up, red... neck... man.
  Sawyer: ...Touche?
• In the Better Off Ted episode "The Impertence of Communicationizing", Phil laments his lack of ability to insult people:
  Phil: The best comeback I ever came up with was, "You're right, I'll work on that."
• In iCarly, Freddie isn't very good at comebacks for Sam.
  Sam: Hit it, Fred-Weiner!
  Freddie: Sure thing, Sam... jerk.
• In the finale of Dollhouse:
  Echo: You're so corny.
  Paul: You're... fat!
• Scrubs:
  • In "My Butterfly":
    Dr. Cox: Look, newbie, if you go ahead and leave this hospital knowing only one thing — and God save me, it looks like there's a real chance that might happen — please let this be that one thing: I'm in charge, and I don't care about your opinion. Now [whistles] go get me a cup of coffee.
    J.D.: [thinking] Whatever. Just avoid the shoulder bump, catch the elevator, and make a great wise-ass remark before the doors close!
    J.D.: Hoohoo, hey, Dr. Cox, if you're so smart, maybe you should just... go ahead and be the... you're the kind of... [elevator door closes] Oh, dammit!
  • In the episode "His Story IV":
    J.D.: I know all about the war.
    The Janitor: Really? [takes out a globe] Point to Iraq.
    >J.D.: Why do you keep a globe on you janitor cart?
    The Janitor: In case I get lost. I'll give you a hint. It's not the country shaped like a boot.
    J.D.: [points to a country] That's Iraq.
    The Janitor: That's China.
    J.D.: You're China! [walks away]
    The Janitor: ... That's an outrageous accusation.
  • J.D. also claimed at one point to have a comeback for every situation. Unfortunately, this comeback was always "so's your face". Played with in that instance, though, since he considers it a perfectly legit comeback, even when used by others in a nonsensical context.
  • Occurs twice in the same conversation here.
    Dr. Cox: Did you feel that you weren't quite annoying enough without adding a delusional sense of grandeur? Because, I promise you, you are annoying enough. In fact, you're the number one contender for the middleweight annoyance crown!
    J.D.: Well you're the number one jealous... w-weight, for the... jealous weight, jealous... ch-champ.
    Dr. Cox: HE'S DONE IT! HE'S DONE IT! DORIAN'S THE MOST! ANNOYING! MAN! IN THE WORLD! Who would have ever thought? A Journeyman annoyer like Dorian...
    J.D.: [as Dr. Cox is leaving the room] You were a close second.
• In the Boy Meets World episode "Honesty Night", Cory and Topanga pretend to be mad at each other in front of Shawn, and when they trade fake insults Cory proves he's not very good at ending them:

Topanga: I can't believe you said that to me, you stunted little whiny brillo-head!
Cory: Oh yeah, well you're a short little nasal voiced blimpo lipped... so and so! [whispering] I need more time.

• The Aquabats! Super Show!:
  • In the season finale "Showtime!", while the MC Bat Commander is in Space Monster M's clutches:
    Space Monster M: Did you fools think you could stop me?!
    MC Bat Commander: No! But... you're ugly!
  • "Night of the Cactus!":
    Ronmark: Oh that big dude better not make a move on my girl!
    Jimmy the Robot: Please shut up!
    Ronmark: [grumbling] ... you shut up.
• Community has some of these, most notably:
  Shirley: Mother Hen? I think we're about the same age.
  Britta: Sure, unless time is linear.
  Shirley: I'll make your ass linear.
  Britta: That doesn’t make any sense.
  Shirley: I'll make your ass sense.
• The Office (US) somewhat lampshades it in this gem of a verbal throwdown:
  Andy: Saw your dork-mobile in the parking lot. What does it get, like, four miles to the gallon?
  Dwight: Uh, try double that. Classic Trans Am, vintage American muscle. Please.
  Andy: Yeah, my Xterra is pretty sweet. Luxurious yet rugged. Leave it to the Japanese.
  Dwight: Xterra's not even a real word.
  Andy: Actually, it is. It's Latin for "earth."
  Dwight: Oh, so you drive an X-earth? Yeah, that makes sense. I'd rather drive a classic Trans Am than an X-earth.
  Andy: Yeah, I bet you would. Oh, by the way, 1985 called. It wants its car back.
  Dwight: Well, I hope 1985 has a time machine, 'cause I drive an '87.
  Andy: Oh, speaking of time machines? I just got back from the future, and I went to your funeral, and guess what? Nobody came.
  Dwight: Speaking of funerals, why don't you go ahead and go die?
  Andy: That was a really well-constructed sentence. You should be an English professor at Cor-Not University.
  Dwight: Idiot!
  Andy: If I were an idiot, I'd be driving a Trans Am.
  Dwight: If you were driving a Trans Am, you would be the smartest idiot in the whole world.
  Andy: [coughing] Idiot!
  Dwight: [coughing] You're the idiot.
  Andy: [coughing] Nice comeback.
  Dwight: [coughing] I was making fun of your comeback. That's why it worked.
• Saved by the Bell
  • Kelly got in a couple of these. Once to Zack, who accidentally made her face maroon from acne cream in "Cream For A Day":
    Kelly: Zack, you're uh, uh, you're something really, really bad!
  • And again in "Blind Dates" when she thought Mr. Belding's niece was dating Zack:
    Kelly: Yes, I know what you mean, you, you... un-nice girl!
• Monty Python's Flying Circus
  • Played straight in the "Conquistador Coffee Campaign" sketch:
    Boss: Three men dead, the factory burnt down, the account lost and our firm completely bankrupt, what... what... what ... can you possibly say? What excuse can you possibly make?
    S. Frog: Sorry, father. [holds up the 'joke' card]
  • Subverted in the sketch about the party at Oscar Wilde's. James Whistler and George Bernard Shaw insult the Prince Of Wales and blame each other, only for each accused to soften the insult with a compliment associated with it. When Shaw comes up with "Your Majesty is like a dose of clap. Before you arrive is pleasure but after is like pain in the dong," and accuses Wilde of saying it, all Wilde can do is blow a raspberry. Everyone applauds.
• In Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Harvey's romantic rival gives Sabrina a fancy silver-wrought gift. ^note Silver tarnishes very easily.
  Harvey: ... You know how often you're gonna have to clean this?
• In the Letterkenny sketch "cold open".
  Jonesy: Nice onesie. Does it come in mens?
  Wayne: Oh I think you come in men enough for all of us.
  Jonesy: You better come in my — I mean, you better come —
  Riley: I think you better come and say that his face you fuckin' hicks.
  Daryl: Nice Execution.
  Wayne: Yer doin' terrific.
• In Red Dwarf, Lister lampshades this during a conversation with Rimmer:
  Rimmer: Oh ha-ha.
  Lister: Rimmer, "oh ha ha" is only used by people who can't come up with witty comebacks.
  Rimmer: ... oh ha-ha!
• Empty Nest: After Harry overrules another doctor's treatment plan, she angrily declares, "I'm sick of you older doctors doing things like this!" As she storms off, the equally angry Harry rants:
  Harry: Now wait just a minute, you, you... young lady!
  Laverne: Oh, yeah. She's going to be reeling from that one for a long time.
• Full House: Danny makes one in "The House Meets the Mouse", when he is chiding Michelle over her behavior towards her sisters.
  Danny: Sounds like you were trying to be the boss.
  Michelle: The princess is the boss!
  Danny: Bruce Springsteen is the boss!^note His nickname really is "The Boss".
• Subverted in Star Trek: Discovery during this exchange:
  Reeno: I didn't realize a greenhouse could be critical, or propulsive, but... what do I know? I'm just a gearhead, not a farmer.
  Stamets: A farmer... Oh, please, let us know what you think, because we care.
  Reeno: You should. Antimatter and dilithium might be old school, but they don't let you down.
  Stamets: Why soar when you can crawl?
  Reeno: You don't know me, Doc. I'm un-insultable. Especially by a guy who thinks he can run a ship on mushrooms that I pick off my pizza.
  Stamets: Spores are clean, renewable...
  Reeno: Yeah, and do they come with house dressing?
  [Beat]
  Stamets: Do you have any idea how many planets have been ruined by dilithium mining? How many battles were fought to corner its supply? Of course you don't. You're one of those people who never even consider it!
  Reeno: And you're one of those people that does the ha-ha jokey thing and then gets all huffy and in high dudgeon when you can't think of a comeback.
• In the Broad City episode "Sliding Doors," a man shoots Abbi with a bubble gun and says, "Whoops! Now you're all wet! Even though I know you were already!" In the timeline where Abbi is without Ilana, she says awkwardly, "No, sir, 'cause I... I never get wet!"
• Cheers: Carla, normally an expert at putdowns, meets her match in Lilith's even nastier, acerbic mother. The first time, Carla insists she was just rattled, but after a few more becomes convinced she's actually ill and takes the rest of the day off.
• Odd Squad: In the episode "Switch Your Partner Round and Round", Oren insults Olive and Otto, starts to insult them again, and can't find anything to insult them with. Olive and Otto begrudgingly help him out.
  Oren: Well if it isn't Olive and Ottawa. [...] And you guys are...u-um...
  Olive: Are you trying to insult us?
  Oren: I-I'm just trying to think of something, just gimme a second...
  Olive: Let me help. I'm afraid of pie.
  Otto: And I'm terrible at sports.
  Oren: Buuuuurn! Let's roll-laf.
• Desperate Housewives: In one episode, Susan (per usual) is being very snippy and self righteous towards a professor, calling him out on being divorced three times. His reply “I’m sorry, haven’t you been divorced TWICE?” Her response? “Yeah well…..two is still less that three!”

Professional Wrestling

• Dave Bautista became infamous for saying to CM Punk, "Yeah, well...you're a punk!" There was also that hilarious time where Batista was to face The Great Khali for the world championship, and Khali was demonstrating his strength by crushing a basketball in his hands. Batista's response was, "Basketballs... don't hold grudges! Basketballs don't wanna knock your teeth down your throat! Basketballs don't wanna rip your head right off your shoulders! And you're not gonna be in the ring with a basketball at Summerslam for the World Heavyweight Championship!"
• Kurt Angle in the WWE, when he was still on his square American Hero persona.

Puppet Shows

• The Muppet Show: Fozzie makes one in the Bruce Forsyth episode when, backstage, he tries to prepare for Statler and Waldorf's heckling by having Kermit heckle him so he can practice his comebacks. Kermit isn't impressed with Fozzie's attempts.
  Fozzie: Let's see, you be the audience, and I'll tell a joke, and then you insult me... and then just watch my razor-sharp wit at work. Okay, you ready, huh? Huh?
  Kermit: Uh, no.
  Fozzie: Good. Okay. Here we go. I wouldn't say my wife can't cook, but last night she burned the water.
  Kermit: Boo! Boo! That's terrible. Terrible! Get off the stage! You are the worst!
  Fozzie: [groveling] Oh, please don't heckle me.
  Kermit: Uh, Fozzie, is this an example of your razor-like wit?
  Fozzie: Could use a little sharpening, huh?

Radio

• In Hello Cheeky, John Junkin gets one of these to Barry Cryer.
  John: Here, Barry, I'll tell you something interesting.
  Barry: Why change the habit of a lifetime?
  John: I'll have you know, I'm taking repartée classes.
  Barry: Alright, let's hear your witty repartée, then.
  John: Uhh... ...shut up. ...I start classes tomorrow.

Theatre

• An embarrassing scene in the opera Le Grand Macabre, by Gyorgy Ligeti, has the White and Black Ministers calling names at each other — in alphabetical order. It starts out strong with "Ass-kisser" and "Bloodsucker", until:
  White: I...I can't think of anything with I...
  Black: I can't think of anything with J... Kidnapper!
• Keating! The Musical has an epic one during Paul Keating and John Hewson's debate on the GST (Keating's insults are based on actual comments in Parliament):
  Keating: Oh, no, they sent the Doctor to get us,
  It's like being flogged with warm lettuce
  And cabbages, the feral abacus
  Come to savage us, he must be ravenous, ravenous!
  Mr. Mediocrity from the Bunyip Aristocracy
  The Member for Wentworth should be in bed
  He's like a lizard on a rock, alive but looking dead
  Old Dozy knows when I've got him
  He always turns around when I drop one on him
  It's something he can't psychologically handle
  Him and his band of constitutional vandals
  Drones and pansies, frauds and mugs,
  Blackguards, harlots, pigs and thugs,
  And your mindless, stupid, foul-mouthed grubs,
  You couldn't even raffle a chook in a pub.
  Your barnyard bullies, crims and ghouls,
  Dullards, dimwits, clowns and fools and born-to-rules,
  Over here we're born to rule you
  Your dishonest crew, you almost make me spew.
  Loopy intellectual hobos,
  Brain-damaged dummies and desperadoes,
  Harebrained hillbilly cheats, cheats, cheats
  (They'll always be cheats, cheats, cheats)
  Useless motley corporate crooks and clots!
  Stunned-mullet rustbucket boxheads!
  Scumbags, and alley cats!
  You wanna fight back? FIGHT BACK! FIGHT BACK FROM THAT!
  Hewson: Oh, you bloody... your mom's a... bitch!
• William Shakespeare manages to make this one heartbreaking in King Lear:
  I will have such revenges on you both,
  That all the world shall — I will do such things —
  What they are, yet I know not: but they shall be
  The terrors of the earth.

Video Games

• Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood:
  Desmond: [stereotypical Italian accent] Ey, what's-a-matter you Altair?
  Rebecca: That's racist!
  Desmond: You're racist!
• The MMORPG Kingdom of Loathing includes a mini-game called Insult Beer Pong, in which you have to respond appropriately to various insults (e.g., if your opponent says "When I'm through with you, you'll be crying like a little girl," you say "It's an honor to learn from such an expert in the field"). But you can't just start with battle; you have to research the insults and comebacks. So you grab The Big Book of Pirate Insults, get into fights with various pirates, insult them at random from the book, and learn various witty comebacks, which are then available for you during the match.^note The book insults are different from the beer pong insults, but if you learn every possible comeback, you should be able to come up with one that fits each new insult. For instance, you can learn the aforementioned comeback in combat if you use "I'll teach you the meaning of fear, you gutless coward!" If a pirate can't think of an insult, he'll stammer out something like "Yeah? Well... so's your face!" - and there are five possible Lame Comebacks for you to use during the match (if you want to lose), including "Stop waving it around like a featherduster!" - an extended reference to Monkey Island.
• During your final battle with Kai Leng in Mass Effect 3, he tries taunting Shepard. Shepard throws it right back at him, and his comeback line reeks of lame.
  Leng: You're still slow, Shepard!
  Shepard: I'm only slow because I'm not running! You ran at the Citadel! You ran on Thessia! All you can do is run!
  Leng: Sh...shut up!
• As mentioned above, the "insult swordfighting" in Monkey Island is based not around actual fencing ability, but about being able to come up with clever comebacks to your opponents' insults to gain advantage in the duel. There are a couple of stock lame comebacks - "I am rubber, you are glue" or "Boy are you ugly!" - which don't work on any insult. In later games, "how appropriate - you fight like a cow!" goes from being a legitimate retort to Guybrush's go-to Lame Comeback whenever somebody insults him. In Escape from Monkey Island, Guybrush is only able to respond in Lame Comebacks to Ozzie Mandrill due to the latter using incomprehensible Australian taunts that no one understands.
• In Portal 2, during the Final Boss fight, if you let Rick the Adventure Sphere talk long enough, he will eventually ask if you have a "Cool Line" prepared for when you kill Wheatley. After some unsuccessful attempts to think one up himself, he will try to invoke one by asking Chell to get Wheatley to say "You two have been a thorn in my side for long enough!", reminding you to do so as he is plugged in. Once all three cores are plugged in and the final part of the fight starts up, Wheatley's dialogue will have now changed slightly to include Rick's setup line word-for-word. Rick then delivers his "Cool Line". It's... a little underwhelming.
  Rick: Yeah? Well this thorn... is about to take you down. Man, that sounded a whole lot better in my head.
• Leon Scott Kennedy in Resident Evil 4. One could pity Big Bad Saddler for being Affably Evil and having to laugh at those...
  Saddler: Perhaps you are disillusioned with overconfidence just because you killed my small-time subordinate?
  Leon: Saddler, you're small-time!
  Saddler: Oh... hahahahahaha! Writhe in my cage of torment my friend.
• In the remake of Splatterhouse (made worse by the fact that the villain had something like 200 years to think carefully to an appropriate comeback:
  Rick: [after hearing Doctor West's Motive Rant] Yeah, well... Fuck you.
  West: No, Rick! Fuck you!
• In Team Fortress 2, the Sniper has a domination quote in reference to the Spy:
  The Spy: I never really was on your side.
  The Sniper: I was never on your side either! ... Wanker!
• In Crash Bandicoot 4: It's About Time, Dr Neo Cortex experiences this as he confronts his past self, who thinks he's an imposter:
  Past Neo Cortex: Masquerade as me, will you?! Well—
  Neo Cortex: I'm you from the future, you idiot! I—
  Past Neo Cortex: I'm not an idiot! You're the idiot. Idiot!
• Danger Girl have a moment where Sydney, one of the girls, gets confronted by Assassin X, demanding her to hand over a doomsday artifact. Sydney's response sounds like something schoolchildren would use to taunt each other (and NOT something you'd expect a world-class super-assassin to say aloud):
  "I don't see your name on it."
• Dark Seed:
  • In Dark Seed II, Mike is given a lot of silly dialogue, but his flashback with Rita while under hypnosis is particularly noteworthy...
    Rita: People change, Mike, but I don't care for the change that has come over you. You're drunk. I'll see you later. I have a friend to see.
    Mike: Fine! Just walk away! I hope the boogeyman gets you.
  • Jimmy Gardner's comebacks mostly consist of third-grade caliber insults like "doofus" and "jerkface". Granted, it's still a step or two above Mike's boogeyman comment.
• Dragon Age: Origins:
  Sten: [to Oghren] If you were significant enough to notice, I wouldn't step on you.
  Oghren: Oh, well... your mother!
  Sten: ... That was disappointing. I expected better from you.
  Oghren: Sorry, I was in a rush.
• Another gem in Dragon Age II, in the Dalish camp:
  Terath: You do not belong here, shemlen.
  Hawke: What about my... Dear Maker! Where did my self-righteousness and pointy ears go?
  Terath: Why you... you... Shemlen!
• Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty has a pretty triumphant example of the trope.
  Ocelot: Metal Gear only has room for one! Gurlukovich, you and your daughter will die here!
  Sergei: Damn you!
• In Baten Kaitos Origins, Recurring Boss Giacomo has a particularly awful one right before the final boss fight with him:
  Guillo: Are you obsessed? A koa monkey in heat wouldn't be this clingy.
  Giacomo: Say what you will, but you're my ticket back to the Empire, Sagi. And every good ticket has to get punched!
• Tomodachi Life has the possibility of this happening in two instances.
  • One when Miis get into a fight, which can lead them to insult each other to varying degrees of efficiency. Like answering to "You're so stubborn!" with "Sticks and stones may break my bones but YOU ARE THE STUBBORN ONE!"
  • The other option is the rap battles, where two Miis try to respond to the other's insults with a rhyme. When they fail, they may come up with incredibly bad comebacks like "You... don't sing very well" or "You... drive a dumb car" or "I have... more cats than you".
• Last Alert: Because of the game's "Blind Idiot" Translation, roughly half of Guy Kazama's dialogue consists of hilariously Narmy retorts. Just one example:
  Boss: This river's gonna turn red with your blood!
  Guy: How interesting... but it's going to be your blood and not mine!
• In Destroy All Humans! 2, while looking for Coyote Bongwater, Crypto is given the option to threaten a bunch of hippies at a gathering for his location, and the result is a lame comeback.
  Crypto: Okay, simians, here's the deal: you give me Coyote Bongwater, or I toast me up some hippie s'mores! Capische?
  Prudence: WHOOOAA, we got ourselves a narc over here! Hey, Narc, why don't you go back to Narc Central and nark around with all the other narcs, YOU NARC!
  Crypto: Ouch. That stings.
  Prudence: Just the sort of response I'd expect — from a narc!
• In Saints Row: The Third, during a chase scene teenage hacker Matt Miller will taunt you about how his hacking skills make him able to do anything.
  Matt: Anything you can do I can do better!
  Boss: Go buy a pack of cigarettes.
  [beat]
  Matt: ... ageist.
• In Dangan Ronpa Trigger Happy Havoc, Kiyotaka Ishimaru gives Mondo Owada a hard-hitting "The Reason You Suck" Speech during their argument, saying that Mondo's short temper and violent behavior is merely an attempt to hide the fact that he's a coward. Mondo can only reply "...the fuck you say? You dunno shit."
• The Last Sovereign: A true battle of the wits between the Incubus King and the Fucklord right here:
  Fucklord: Any questions?
  Incubus King: I have one: why is your event^note a butterfly hunting competition so fucking lame?
  Fucklord: Here's a question for you: shut up!
• At the end of Wandersong's third act, Audrey tells the Bard to leave the important stuff to the real heroes. The Bard responds: "How about YOU leave the... shutting up! to... YOU!!!"

Web Animation

• Done a number of times by Strong Bad on Homestar Runner:
  • In the Strong Bad Email "50 emails", one of the emails asks Strong Bad to "please write a book about comeback jokes".
    Strong Bad: More like, you write a book about come-back jokes, NERD!
  • From the Strong Bad Email "island", where Homestar and Strong Bad get stranded on a "Far Side" Island together:
    Homestar Runner: Is there ice cream yet?
    Strong Bad: You're gonna need to get ice cream in a second if you don't quit asking me that. You know... 'cause I'm gonna hit you... and you'll need the ice cream to... stop the swelling.
  • From "TrogdorCon '97", a short made to promote The Brothers Chaps visiting Dragoncon 2005, has this exchange between Strong Bad and Strong Sad:
    Strong Sad: It's not called TrogdorCon, and it's 2005.
    Strong Bad: It might be for you, but... you're... a butt. (grins)
    Strong Sad: That's a good 'un, Strong Bad.
• Red vs. Blue has a lot of these, despite the fact that the initial insults are hardly clever themselves.
  • Simmons: Suck it, Blue!
    Caboose: No, YOU suck it... Blue...
  • From Reconstruction:
    Washington: You guys are the most immature soldiers I've ever met!
    Grif: Your face is immature!
  • And lampshaded once or twice:
    Church: Wow, that guy's dumber than you are.
    Tucker: You mean he's dumber than you are.
    Church: Wow, Tucker. That was a classy comeback.
• In Master Chief Sucks At Halo (the predecessor to Arby 'n' the Chief) Master Chief uses uses these a lot (loadsa swearing):
  Teammate: You had -3 kills and 41 deaths!
  Master Chief: Your Mom had -3 kills in bed last night.
• In RWBY, The group is denied entry to the city of Atlas by the egotistical Caroline Cordovan. Nora's response is... uh...
  Nora: Oh, yeah? Well... your base looks like a big dumb boot!
  Jaune: Way to show her, Nora...

Webcomics

• The Villain Protagonists of 8-Bit Theater (Black Mage in particular) are quite prone to this, such as in this installment:
  Black Mage: What did you THINK I meant every time I said I was going to burn the world?
  Red Mage: Who cares?
  Thief: Yeah, you're a weiner. You couldn't burn a match.
  Black Mage: Yeah, well... Your face... is ugly. Shut up!
• Bobwhite. Ivy and Cleo are competing in a videogame:
  Cleo: I'm gonna warn you, my character has crazy good range.
  Ivy: Your face has crazy good range. From ugly to... super ugly.
  Cleo: Hee hee. I love when they do the little victory dance.
  Ivy: I love your face when it's ugly. Which is all the time.
• In Dan and Mab's Furry Adventures, Aliph Soulstealer (a.k.a. Dark Pegasus) goes on a rant that starts on #985, continues in #986, and ends at #987 with the following exchange:
  Aliph: IT WOULD PAIN ME GREATLY TO KNOW THAT YOU WERE KILLED BY A RECKLESS ADVENTURER'S BLOODLUST FOR REVENGE... FOR YOUR SAKE, I HOPE THAT YOUR IMMATURE DECISION DOESN'T RESULT IN YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER'S DEATH.
  Kria: Yeah, well... You're a buttface.
• In Goblins, Minmax is notoriously bad at witty banter.
  Kin: Minmax! Stop throwing your clothes into the hole!
  Minmax: I haven't thrown anything into the hole yet! You're the one throwing craziness into the hole 'cause you're craz... No, wait, you're... You're throwing... Yourself... No. Wait. You're... Yeah! Yeah! You're throwing yourself into the crazy hole!
  [Beat]
  Minmax: Heh. Burn.
• This strip from The Non-Adventures of Wonderella:
  Hitlerella: Oh my, did you just make a sweeping generalization that all Germans have masculine features? What about Heidi Klum? She's German.
  Wonderella: So's YOUR MOM.
  Hitlerella: Um, YES? Wait, did you just actually say that?
• The Order of the Stick:
  • In "A Minor Glitch", Belkar berates Vaarsuvius for saving his life and thus ruining his Thanatos Gambit, pointing out that Durkon could have just cast Raise Dead on him immediately afterward. After Vaarsuvius points out a major flaw in the plan, Belkar utterly fails to come up with a comeback.
    Vaarsuvius: And how would your cunning master plan have accounted for the fact that Durkon would have required 5000 gp worth of diamonds as a material component to power the Raise Dead spell?
    Diamonds, I hasten to add, that he does not, in fact, possess?
    Belkar: Well, uh...
    Obviously, I would have...
    [Beat]
    Belkar: SHUT UP!
  • It happens again in "Pop Quiz, Hotshot" when Elan and Nale have a little family reunion.
    Elan: All I see is that you're a mean jerk. A jerky jerk. The jerkiest jerk of all.
    Nale: Truly, your cunningly-crafted retort stings my pride.
• An amusingly awkward attempted comeback by Marigold in Questionable Content:
  Angus: Does that mean you're gonna wash [your hair] more than twice a year now?
  Marigold: I'll—I'll wash you more than twice a year! B-because you're a stupid jerk! Who smells!
• Rice Boy:
  Rice Boy: You aren't very helpful, Bor.
  Bor the Very Large: Uh-huh, well — you aren't very large.
• Brooke "Aphrodite" Lennox Rival Angels is a ditz. The following exchange is just one of many, many examples:
  Monica: Maybe that'll shut you up, idiot!
  Brooke: You're not smart!
• In Homestuck, Nepeta and Equius's first chatlog has a series of these.
  AC: :33 < you suck at archery
  CT: D —> No
  AC: :33 < yes
  CT: D —> No
  AC: :33 < yes
  CT: D —> No I don't
  AC: :33 < yessssss yes yes yes
• Every Button Hurts the Other Guy:
  • Russel proves that two improvised lines that don't even rhyme are no match for a rehearsed song performed by one's own personal cheering squad.
  • Also this:
    Afro: You've got more teeth than you do braincells, and you're smarter that you are handsome. You've probably got about as much fight in you as an asthmatic kitten.
    Russel: Oh yeah, well... you're a loser!
• Ray from Talamak is fond of these.
  Ray: S-shut up! You... poopy water...
• In General Protection Fault, Ki has an argument with her father, who accuses her boyfriend Nick of disrespecting Asian culture and seeing Ki as a trophy. Ki then calls Mr. Oshiro out on his hypocrisy.
  Ki: Has it ever occurred to you that not all of them are like that? Did you ever stop to think that you are stereotyping them just as you accuse them of stereotyping you?
  (Mr. Oshiro is speechless for a moment)
  Mr. Oshiro: You... you are not allowed to make more sense than me in an argument!
  Ki: Well, I'm not about to play stupid, so you better catch up, Dad.

Web Videos

• Critical Role has Percy, normally the king of the Bond One-Liner, slip up a little trying to get the last word in on a fish-like monster screaming at him in an incomprehensible language as he stabs it.
  Percy: I don't speak...fish.
  Taliesin: That was the worst kill line ever.
• Not Always Right has one that's not even in response to an insult, made by someone who seems to consider everything at the store "stupid".
  Cashier: Have a nice day!
  Customer: Well... you... DON'T have a nice day!
• Smosh Games: In the "Epic Smosh Rap Battle" Game Bang, Joven and Sohinki must rap battle each other for losing the game, and Joven's roasts aren't particularly good, to say the least. In the first round, he calls Sohinki "Dinky", which is captioned "???" by the editor, presumably due to how lame it is. In the second round, he mocks Sohinki for having "an army of barbies", which almost sounds like a complete non-sequitur.
  Ian: I don't know how that made sense.
• In Third Rate Gamer, the eponymous character's comeback to his haters is "Well, yeah, but these haters are...dumb". Then he slaps on a photoshopped graphic saying "PWNED!"
• This exchange in "How Kaiba Got His Groove Back" in Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series:
  Kaiba: Give it up, Wheeler. This Duel is as good as over. You're just as worthless as ever.
  Joey Yeah, well say what you will about me, Kaiba, but at least I'm not—
  Kaiba: If you're about to make a comment about my being adopted, save it. I'd rather have no parents than live a single day in your shoes, Wheeler. You're a joke. Your father was a drunk. And your mother was smart enough to walk out on your ass when you were too young to start poisoning the world with your stupidity! But by all means, call me "adopted". Go on, do it.
  Joey: I was gonna call you a dork.
  Kaiba: Well, that was about as scathing as a youtube comment.

Western Animation

• From The Amazing World of Gumball in "The Rerun":
  Rob: Now it's time for you to lose your—
  Gumball: [tackles Rob] No! Time for you to lose your- uh... Just... lose... Sorry, I literally have the whole day to think of something good for that.
• In the Animaniacs episode "Morning Malaise", Yakko takes on radio personality Howie Tern in a match of Volleying Insults. Howie is quickly reduced to a series of these. Their entire match is here.
• Big Hero 6: The Series:
  • In "The Impatient Patient":
  Baymax: Perhaps you should consider less dangerous activities.
  Greg Jack: Maybe you should... think about... Whatever!
  • In "Killer App"
  Hiro: One of us is super-controlling and the other goes with the flow.
  Wasabi: Well, one of us acts like a civilized human being, and the other acts like...(Beat) an uncivilized human being! So...
  Hiro: One of us is good at insults and the other's terrible!
• The Simpsons:
  • Professor: Marge, it's statements like that that make people think women are stupid.
    Marge: Well, it's statements like that that... are mean!
  • A better one comes from Sideshow Bob:
    Marge: You awful man! Stay away from my son!
    Bob: I'll stay away from your son alright. Stay away... forever!
    Homer: Oh no!
    Bob: Wait a minute, that's no good. [leaves, groaning in frustration; hurries back a moment later] Wait! I've got one now! Marge, say "Stay away from my son" again!
    Marge: No!
  • From "Homer the Heretic":
    Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26. "The foolish man who built his house upon the sand."
    Homer Simpson: And you remember... Matthew... 21:17.
    Reverend Lovejoy: "And he left them and went out of the city, into Bethany, and he lodged there"?
    Homer Simpson: Yeah. Think about it.
  • Practically exemplified in "Lisa's First Word'':
    Lisa: Remember, it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt.
    Homer's brain: What does that mean? Better say something or they'll think you're stupid.
    Homer: Takes one to know one!
    Homer's brain: Swish!
  • "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song" has Principal Skinner say one to Willie, yet Willie actually seems to have found it effective:
    Principal Skinner: Willie, go into the vent and get him.
    Groundskeeper Willie: What!? Have ye gone waxy in yer beester? I canna fit in the wee vent, ye croquet-playin' mint-muncher!^note These are definitely not real Scottish insults.
    Principal Skinner: Grease yourself up and go in, you, you...guff-speaking work-slacker.
    Groundskeeper Willie: Ooh. Good comeback.
    
• Futurama:
  Dwight: I heard alcohol makes you stupid.
  Fry: No, I'm... doesn't!
• SpongeBob SquarePants: In "Pressure", SpongeBob engages Sandy in a name-calling contest until all he can come up with is "not-wet person".
• South Park:
  • The episode "Douche and Turd":
    Giant Douche: I would hope that those students and their parents who question my qualities would simply look at my opponent. He is a turd sandwich.
    Turd Sandwich: You're a turd sandwich.
  • Also, Towelie:
    "You're a towel!"
  • Also from "Chef Aid" when the kids visit a mansion
    Stan: Man this place is bigger than Cartman's ass.
    Cartman: No it isn't.
  • In "Prehistoric Ice Man" as Kyle and Stan get ready for their fight.
    Kyle: Fine, I'll kick your ass tomorrow, dick!
    Stan: I'll kick your ass so bad you'll wish you never had it- to begin with! Your ass, I mean. [Beat] Wait.
  • Butters comes up with this in "Raisins":
    Cartman: Whatever, Bebe, like Stan really cares [that Wendy broke up with him]. Just get out of our football game, you stupid skank!
    Bebe: Fuck you, fat ass! You guys are assholes!
    Butters: Oh yeah? Well at least we have assholes, you dumb girl!
• Justice League:
  • In the episode "Flash and Substance":
    Flash: Mirror Master!
    Mirror Master: You're quick as ever.
    Flash: Yeah? Well you're... you're not really all there!
    Mirror Master: Oh, nice try. If you had another minute you'd probably think of a decent comeback.
  • He does come up with a better one after the battle:
    Flash: While you're waiting for me to come arrest you, why not take some time and reflect on your mistakes! Hey, that was pretty good.
  • There was one in the episode "Brave and the Bold" when Gorilla Grodd gets snippy with Flash and he responds with: "Oh yeah? Well, you're... naked!" (he shrugs to Solovar behind him because he knew it was lame). The more hilarious part is that the comment was actually pretty funny.
  • Flash does this a lot.
    Joker: Even you can't disarm one of my bombs in time!
    Flash: Shut up!
    Joker: What kind of a retort is that? You're not even trying!
• From Batman: The Brave and the Bold, "The Mask of Matches Malone!":
  Catwoman: You two are useless.
  Black Canary: Oh yeah? Well, YOU are... useless!
  Huntress: Nice comeback there, chief.
• A classic from Street Fighter: The Animated Series:
  Fei Long: You've got sloppy and weak. You've never had fallen from this move before! Look at you! You've ignored your training, and have turned against all of your friends!!
  Ken: And you... you're a loser!
• Daria: Kevin and Brittany get into one of their weekly arguments; before stalking off, Britney snaps at him:
  Britney : Don't you fretranize me!
  Kevin: ... You think I don't know what that means? I know what that means!!
• Pretty much everyone on Archer, running as it does on Realistic Diction Is Unrealistic and parodies of the Bond One-Liner.
  Barry: So don't try to do anything stupid.
  Archer: I don't have to try. [Beat] Shit. Whatever. Move.
• From Super Mario World (1991):
  Magikoopa: Hey, watch where you're goin', ya egghead!
  Luigi: Who's an egghead, eggface!?
  Magikoopa: You are! [turns Luigi into an egg] So, whaddaya have to say now, egghead?
• From Robot Chicken:
  Abe Lincoln: Who dares disturbs my slumber?!
  George Bush: Who dares question my... daring of his... dare... Jerk!
• Celebrity Deathmatch:
  • Matt Damon vs. Ben Affleck
    Matt Damon: Hey, Ben, Armageddon ready to kick your ass!
    Affleck: Oh, yeah? Well, I'm not gonna save your privates, Ryan!
    Damon: You really are dumb, bro.
  • And in the Keanu Reeves/Brad Pitt fight:
    Reeves: Pop quiz, A-hole: You're on my turf, and there's no way out. What do you do?
    Pitt: Give it a rest, Johnny Moronic.
    Reeves: Oh, yeah? Well, you shut up too, you... guy who was in Se7en...
• From Dan Vs. "Canada":
  Chris: Good luck getting home.
  Dan: Good luck being stupid.
  Chris: Well, good luck... you're stupid!
• The Tick:
  Barry: Where's the jerk who calls himself "The Tick"?!
  The Tick: I am that jerk; who wants to know?
• Invader Zim: Zim is not very good at comebacks: "GO HOME AND SHAVE YOUR GIANT HEAD OF SMELL WITH YOUR BAD SELF!"
  Zim: You dare tell me what I already know?!
  GIR: ...Didja know that?
  Zim: Of course I...nngh...your legs are stupid!!
• On Aqua Teen Hunger Force, after the Mooninites acquire the Foreigner Belt:
  Meatwad: Your belt is stupid.
  Err: Oh yeah, well your face is stupid!
  Meatwad: Oh, good one. You really got me.
• Unusual example in Avatar: The Last Airbender. When her "friend" Mai betrays her and tells her she "miscalculated", Azula responds with a No, You. While this is one of the rare occasions when the No, You can be legitimately frightening (as she intended to follow it with a killing strike), the fact that the normally composed Deadpan Snarker Azula shouted this retort (thus showing the first cracks that ultimately lead to a spectacular Villainous Breakdown), means it can qualify as this trope.
  • After Aang defeats Fire Lord Ozai, Sokka, Toph, and Suki mock him, and Suki invokes this trope.
  Ozai: I am the Phoenix King! [faints]
  Toph: Oh sorry. Didn't mean to offend you Pheonix King of Getting His Butt Whooped!
  Suki: Yeah! Or how about King of the... guys... who don't win?
  Toph: Leave the nicknames to us, honey.
• In the sequel series, The Legend of Korra:
  • Korra is wandering around Republic City when she comes across an Equalist protester. She quickly gets into an argument with him, and the protester accuses Benders like Korra of oppressing Nonbenders. Korra's response?
    Korra: I'm not oppressing anyone! You're... You're oppressing yourself!
    Protester: That doesn't make any sense!
  • Season 4 has Varrick tell Baatar Jr. that "You wouldn't know if a wolf-bat made a nest in your butt" to compare Baatar's ability of discovering things to his. Baatar can only reply with "You're a fool. Wolfbats don't build nests" which Varrick calmly mocks him for.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Even wisecracking Michelangelo is sometimes at a loss for the right words:
  Shredder: Say farewell to each other, while you still can.
  Michelangelo: Oh yeah, Mr. Spikeypants? Well, you're the one who should be saying farewell to, uh, to yourself!
  Raphael: Oh yeah, Mikey. That got 'em.
• Doug:
  • Lampshaded in the episode, "Doug's Brainy Buddy", when he and Skeeter were arguing and the latter calls the former on his behavior:
    Skeeter: What's your problem, man?
    Doug: What's your problem?
    Skeeter: No, what's your problem?
    Doug: I— [stammers] What's your problem?
    Skeeter: Ooh, good comeback! I guess you're way too smart for me!
    [kids laughing]
  • And this brilliant exchange between Doug and Roger over whose pet will win a talent contest in "Doug's Pet Capades":
    Roger: We'll just see about that, Funnie-face!
    Doug: Yeah, I'm sure we will, Roger... face.
    Roger: [cackles] Oh, brother!
  • In an episode of Disney's Doug, Doug watches recordings of a famous insult comic and becomes great at comebacks, but then he goes back to doing this at the end of the episode when he realizes that he doesn't like insulting people for laughs.
• Rocko's Modern Life:
  • Also lampshaded in the episode "Keeping Up With the Bigheads" when Mr. Bighead tells Rocko that he doesn't have a chance to fix his yard before it gets condemned.
    Ed Bighead: Give up, you tapeworms in the intestine of society. You don't stand a chance.
    Rocko: Oh yeah, well...well, uh...uh...oh yeah!
    Ed Bighead: Oh ho! Witty retort. [laughs at Rocko's weak comeback]
• King of the Hill:
  • In "Tankin' It To The Street", Kahn shows off his new gigantic SUV, but it's so big it won't fit in his garage.
    Hank: Where are you gonna keep it, smart guy? It doesn't even fit in your garage.
    Kahn: Uh... Maybe I keep garage in SUV! Hahahaha! Kiss my ass!
  • In "Keeping Up With Our Joneses", Luann finds out Hank, Peggy, and Bobby are all addicted to smoking, she combines this trope with Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics by saying that more people die of smoking than die of war in Vietnam on a daily basis.
  • When Boudda Sac and Hank exchange Yo Momma So X jokes with each other, Hank doesn't make the best comebacks.
    Boudda: Yo momma is so ugly, when she walks in the bank, they turn off the camera.
    Hank: And your mother is so ugly, uh, it affects her self esteem!
    Boudda: ... Yo momma got so much hair under her arms, it looks like she got buckwheat in a headlock.
    Hank: Well your mother's hair is so short, she looks like she's not a woman at all but more like a man!
• From ¡Mucha Lucha!:
  "You kids are my first customers since... ever!"
  "Um, maybe that's because you built your store in the bowels of the earth?"
  [Record Needle Scratch] "Yeah, well, you're ugly!"
• Arthur: In "Mom and Dad Have a Great Big Fight", Arthur and D.W. begin blaming each other for their parents arguing and listing the reasons why. As they throw their accusations against each other, D.W., who runs out of decent reasons, delivers this:
  D.W.: You... you wear glasses!
  Arthur: ...Mom and Dad are not fighting because I wear glasses.
• Space Ghost Coast to Coast: Pretty much all of Space Ghost’s comebacks to Zorak and Moltar’s mockery are absolutely pathetic, but special mention has to go to his response to Zorak saying he dances like a woman; “I dance like a woman, if she were a man”.
• This gem from Transformers: Animated, though in fairness, Headmaster’s indecipherable slang makes it difficult to form a good response to anything he says:
  Headmaster: I am so l33t!
  Optimus Prime: Yeah? Well, I have no idea what that means!
• Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends:
  Imaginary Man: Face it, Nemesis! Without your flowers, you're no match for me!
  Nemesis: Oh, yeah? Well...ssshut up!
• Skylanders Academy: In the episode "Space Invaders", Kaos gets confident enough to want to prove his superiority to the Doom Raiders and begins teasing Wolfgang, and after that, this is what follows:
  Wolfgang: I will end you...
  Kaos: Yeah? Well, not before I smack your nose with a rolled-up magazine, by which I mean my fists!

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I'll lame your comeback!

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