Funny / Speechless

The Series

Season One

1x01: P-i-Pilot

• The series begins with Maya driving like a maniac across town, driving on the shoulder of the road to bypass a traffic jam, banking on her reputation as The Dreaded to keep the cops off her tail, all to take advantage of a breakfast coupon.
• The family parks in the handicapped parking space and immediately gets accosted by an old lady yelling that they don't have a placard and they are inconveniencing her by not letting her park there. Cue JJ and his wheelchair being lowered out of the van with his mom at his side.
  Maya: You hear that JJ? She has trouble walking. Pity.
  • Followed shortly by two boys about to mock JJ until Maya points out that he's actually quite smart and isn't fond of people staring at him, and JJ giving them (his best equivalent of) the bird.
• The principal of JJ's new school claiming that they're inclusive because their new mascot has a sea slug, which has both male and female genitalia. Maya isn't impressed (especially when it comes about that they haven't made any real effort to make things accessible for JJ) and begins referring to said principal as Sea Slug.
• JJ receives a standing ovation from his new homeroom...until the teacher realizes that JJ himself can't stand.
  Mr. Powell: Oh God, he can't stand. The ovation is insensitive! Everybody down!
• JJ becoming increasingly fed up with his interpreter, saying that she sounds like a fairy godmother.
  • When Ray begins complaining about feeling neglected, he suggests that she and her mouse friends sew him a dress for the ball.
  • As things escalate and everyone begins shouting:
  Interpreter: No I will not sing Bippity-Boppity-Boo and I do not think that would help in this situation!
  Jimmy: Yes it would.
• Maya and Ray attempt to have a heart to heart at the school fair while stuck on the ferris wheel and drop tower...excpt Ray keeps getting dropped every few minutes, screaming the entire way. After one such instance:
  Maya: Now where were we?
  Ray: I think you were about to apologize.
  Maya: Mm, sorry love, I already did. You missed it.
• As the episode ends with JJ announcing that he's going to run for class president, the crowd cheers and his homeroom teacher goes rapturous with excitement.
  Mr. Powell: We're so inclusive!
  Kenneth (to JJ): Sure. You should see them during Black History Month.

1x02: N-e-New A-i-Aide

• When Dylan complains that the family still hasn't moved their furniture into the new house, Jimmy tells JJ to get out of his wheelchair because he's hogged it long enough.
• Kenneth assures Maya that he'll take good care of JJ - and then almost drives off without him in the van.
  Kenneth: I'm not gonna lie - that sucked.
• Later, Kenneth gets the lowdown on what being JJ's aid entails.
  JJ: Have questions?
  Kenneth: I do actually. What perspective does the disability experience lend -
  JJ: Real questions?
  Kenneth: Okay, let’s do this. Do I handle bathroom stuff? *JJ nods* Does your dude stuff work? *nod* Is my voice good to speak for you? I can go lower. *shakes head* Are you like Rain Man? Do you count cards? Should we go to Vegas? *JJ shakes head again*
• Maya expects to have a massive argument with the principal when she broaches the subject of Kenneth being JJ's interpreter. When it doesn't occur, Maya has to walk her through the usual arguments - and the principal actually takes notes.
• The most scathing thing that JJ tells his mom when they're arguing? That he doesn't actually like The Bachelor.

1x03: B-o-Bonfire

• Maya and Jimmy waking up the kids at 5 in the morning because they forgot about moving day until two hours before they lost ownership of the old house.
  • And the implication that such last-minute events are common enough in their moves that they actually have "moving shovels" to toss random items into the back of their van. Another strategy is using JJ as a snowplow and simply having him push piles of things through the halls.
• When the kids are first awoken:
  Dylan: Is it an earthquake? Yes! We finally get to eat the emergency tuna.
• Ray getting exasperated by the fact that literally all the furniture they have in the house is garbage, citing the old fish tank that used to be Dylan's crib as an example. Maya and Jimmy fondly remember baby Dylan banging on the glass with her little fists.
  • Also, Maya's dismissal of Ray's concerns.
  Maya: I'm sorry you feel that way about our way of life Ray, but we have challenges other families don't.
  Ray: You use that excuse for everything.
  Maya: I'm sorry I don't have other better excuses, but we have challenges other families don't.
• Kenneth gives Dylan an existential crisis by implying that she only runs because JJ can't. Which then spreads to the rest of the track team. And the coach.
• Maya tries to include teen slang in a new board for JJ, including such terms as "'Sup", "Hey gurl", and "Kanye" ("He comes up a lot, doesn't he?"). She also states that the new board didn't have room for "bathroom", so "Hells yeah, bitch" will have to replace it.

1x04: I-n-s-Inspirations

• Maya being charming enough to convince a pair of construction workers to leave their actual duties and resize the family's bathroom doorframe in under a minute.
  • Later, they realize that they're not actually supposed to be doing any of this, and leave the hallway in its half-competed state
  • When Kenneth arrives just before the rest of the family
  Kenneth: Hi DiMeos! *points to doorframe* I did not do this.
• Ray and Dylan being shocked that they might actually like each other.

1x05: H-a-l-Halloween

• The episode begins with Kenneth delivering them all pizza, only for Maya to demand everyone spit it out when Kenneth says it's from a pizzeria that Maya is boycotting. But the pizza is too good and everyone refuses, JJ even giving her a Death Glare as he swallows in defiance.
  • The reason for the boycott is because Maya claims they refused to serve them because of JJ's CP. Jimmy points out that they were also closed on Christmas morning, which may have been a factor.
• The "Dead to Maya" list. Includes energy drinks and 90s ska.
  Kenneth: What did ska ever do to you?
  Maya: It ruined the 90s.
  • Maya writes her list on the wall, which Ray freaks out about.
• While showing Kenneth the family's group costumes that have incorporated the wheelchair, they belatedly realizing that Ray and Maya have dressed as a couple every year.
• Dylan demanding real blood (human or pig, didn't matter which) and genuine waterboarding for the school's haunted house.
• The three kids loudly trying to wake Jimmy up in the middle of the night, only for Maya to remind them that whenever he goes to sleep he falls into a medical coma.
• As Kenneth and JJ are leaving to head to a party:
  Maya: If JJ comes back with so much as a scratch -
  Kenneth: You'll tie me down and make me watch you eat my cat.
  Maya: Yes I will.
• Kenneth tries to keep JJ from drinking beer at said party, causing two of the other teens to accuse him of being ableist.
  Kenneth: Uh, wait, what? Put your picket signs down. I'm not gonna get a civil rights lesson by two white, blond teenagers. Now, shoo.
• Jimmy and Maya playing rock-paper-scissors over who gets to comfort Ray. Maya wins, then immediately picks Dylan instead because her problems are usually easier.
  • Which runs out to be true - Ray doesn't know how to charm Jillian, while Dylan just needs help getting pigs blood out of her jeans.
• Maya and Jimmy have no idea how to ground JJ because they've never had to punish him.

1x06: D-a-t-e—Date?!

• JJ and Kenneth referring to temporary wheelchair-user Clare as a "tourist".
• Maya complains about the poor trophies at the school after Dylan breaks one. They include "Participation", "Most Improved", and "Most Improved Participation".
  Maya: Now that's the one you break!
  • Later on she and her father go to a trophy shop to replace it, and find such gems as "Best Breathing" and "You Read a Book".
• "If you want fruit there's jellybeans in the cupboard."
• After realizing that her broken legs means she won't be training for gymnastics for a while, Clare goes on a sugar binge.
• JJ has a new square on his board that just says "Do It Better, Kenneth".

1x07 T-h-a-Thanksgiving

1x08 R-a-y-c-Ray-Cation

• The Title Drop in the Cold Open, where Ray declares that he's planned a trip away from his family all on his own and named it "ray-cation".
  Dylan: That's actually clever, Ray.
  Ray: Thank you.
  Dylan: Not clever enough to write it on your hand.
  *JJ points his pointer at Ray's palm, where the phrase is written.*
• Ray getting roped into helping JJ practice for his date.
  Maya: *pulls out wheelchair as soon as he enters* Ah, you're here. Sit in this, put this wig on, your brother's going to seduce you.
  *Ray silently does so*
  Maya: Really? You're not going to resist at all?
  Ray: It's nice to feel wanted.

1x09 S-l-Sled H-o-Hockey

• Maya gets angry at Kenneth for not taking a CPR class. Then he finds out that her license expired years ago.
  Kenneth: Oh, help me Maya! Oh! I'm dying in 1998! I can't feel my arm and Titanic is #1 at the box office!
• Jimmy trying to get into the Rousing Speech mindset.
  Jimmy: I don't know much about sports. But I know a thing or two about movies about sports, and in them, somebody always stands up and starts yelling about digging deep and drunk dads and this town needs something to cheer for now that the factory's gone.

1x10 C-h-o-Choir

• Everyone acting like Kenneth singing on behalf of JJ is JJ's actual singing voice. except Ray.
• Maya loading up the van.
  Maya: No time groceries! Into the van! *throws in groceries*
  Maya: No time material goods! Into the van! *throws in presents*
  Maya: *picking up Dylan* No time Dylan! Into the van! *throws her in*
• Kenneth's dance at the end of the episode

1x11 R-o-Road T-r-Trip

• Jimmy sells the family's straightening iron, reasoning that the curly-haired Maya doesn't even use it. Turns out it's actually Dylan that uses it, as her hair is naturally a monstrous explosion of curls.

1x12 H-e-r-Hero

1x13 S-i-Sick D-a-Day

• One of JJ's sled hockey teammates also has CP and is nonverbal, but uses a board that speaks for him (instead of an aid like Kenneth). But as Kenneth discovers the hard way, the kid can also use his board to look up porn.
• Later on, when JJ is fighting with Kenneth and using his own speaking board, he mocks Kenneth by changing the settings to speak in a British accent and a sultry woman's voice.

1x14: V-a-l-Valentine's D-a-Day

• Kenneth asks JJ if he can pull off 12 years old (in order to order off the kids menu).
  JJ: CP don't—
  Kenneth: If you wanna say "Cerebral Palsy don't crack", you say it.
• After finding out that the night their parents got together involved Jimmy stealing Maya from her then-fiance, the kids enter the house chanting "tell us, tell us!". Then Ray tells Jimmy to read for JJ so that the three of them can sound more demanding. To clarify: Jimmy is essentially chanting at himself on behalf of JJ.
• Maya and Jimmy's nonchalant reaction to Dylan asking them to change the parental controls so that she can gaslight Ray.
• Jimmy and Maya talking about how they're going to get romantic for once on Valentine's Day this year, including Jimmy sensually talking about getting Maya a greeting card that pays music.

1x15: T-h-The C-l-Club

1x16: O-s-Oscar P-a-Party

• While searching for her keys, Ray sees Dylan tossing couch cushions around. When he asks what they're looking for, she replies that she just likes to throw things.
• Ray's ability to find anything Maya lost involves him imitating her, down to the wardrobe, purse, and accent.
• When Maya's mom's find Becca's perfectly organized pantry.
  Hillary: It's like we've died and gone to Pinterest.
  *Nathalie starts poking at the air*
  Maya: Stop trying to like it!
• "What accommodations can I devise to allow these gorgeous youths an equal opportunity deathmatch?"
• Maya trying to antagonize Becca by unsealing her grains. Not that it works.
  Maya: Are these vacuum-sealed?!
  Becca: It's for functional and aesthetic purposes!
  Maya: You're an aesthetic purpose!
  • Which leads to, as Maya calls it, the lamest food fight ever.

1x17: S-u-r-Surprise

• JJ comes to a crosswalk while heading to the mall on his own, and is unable to press the crossing button. So instead he knocks over a garbage can, causing a traffic jam that allows him to casually roll across the street.
• Maya's reaction when the boys come in to Dylan's party.
  Maya: What is that walking? Don't do that. I didn't tell them to do that.

1x18: D-i-Ding

• Kenneth trying to hide the fact that he works at a grocery store on the side from the DiMeos when they come in. Not because they might feel guilty, but because they’ll take advantage of it and use him to get free expired stuff. “Not gonna happen. Buy your own old bread!”
  • Later:
  Aaron: Won’t they be out of the store in, like, half an hour?
  Kenneth: Son, in half an hour we might not have a store.
  • And of course as soon as they do find out about it, Maya immediately asks him about the old bread.
  Kenneth: You people are like a bunch of...ducks!
• After a businessman grabs JJ's wheelchair control and shoves him out of the way, JJ spends the rest of the episode screwing with him, like blocking the aisle he's trying to get into and grabbing every jar of jam from the shelves.
• "Here’s a dialogue: you’re gonna die on a log!"
• The Disaster Dominoes caused by Ray when he tries to prove a point about Maya's behavior by picking up a small jar of garlic cloves, upsetting the display, causing JJ to crash into another display and Ray slipping and crashing into a third. Topped by Maya simply writing a little note to place by the mess: "Ray dinged this".

1x19: C-h-Cheater!

• When the DiMeos "purge" their old phone messages, emails, and snail mail, they all end up reading or listening to a message from JJ's history teacher at the same time, causing it to echo around the room.
  Maya: We will call him first, Oh Lord.
• Mr. Powell: "Do I strike you as the kind of person who's looking for conflict with any of you? I mean between liberal guilt and good old fashioned terror I look at the three of you and just pray that if I roll on my back someone will rub my tummy."
• Jimmy lures kids to his career day booth by giving them unclaimed baggage.
• Ray gets sucked into a pyramid scheme and is out $500. Maya laments that they don’t have that money to spare, and declares that Jimmy will have to become a gigolo.
  Jimmy: Ooh, I'm afraid that’ll be a little too lucrative.
• "Good afternoon, your attention please. We have bombarded your safe space for reasons I cannot truly justify other than that I love the element of surprise."
• Dylan, fed up over becoming an accidental style icon, demands that everyone just be themselves. Then she finds out that all their own style wishes are bizarre (baseball pants, fanny packs) and figures she’ll just keep deciding what everyone should wear instead.

1x20: R-u-n-Runaway

• After spending the entire cold open struggling to lift JJ and his chair into his apartment, Kenneth shoots JJ the most exasperated look when the boy says he wants to move in with him.
• Maya gets mad at Kenneth for not letting JJ run away, and proceeds to help him run away. With her beside him the whole time, of course.
• The entire scene of Maya trying to convince Lee to mentor JJ. Let's break it down.
  • She comes off so strong that he points a taser at her, and is only slightly less threatened when he finds out she's a special needs mom.
  • Maya can't stop gushing about how successful he is, and ends up calling the taser "cute" to his disbelief.
  • When she introduces herself, Lee's hand spasms and Maya gets tased. She's fine with it, though.
• There's a montage of JJ and Lee talking about JJ's issues, but we only see them talking as time passes and soft music plays over it. The only piece of advice Lee gives JJ?
  Lee: Get as many girls to sit in your lap as you can.
• In the B-plot, Ray and Dylan try to emotionally blackmail Jimmy into getting them stuff. But Ray ruins it when he asks for, of all things, a robe, and everyone stops to point out how weird that is.
• The family try to punish themselves for talking about JJ's future without him by eating an incredibly-spicy pepper. Which turns out to be the gift that keeps on giving throughout the episode.

1x22: M-a-May-Jay

• Kenneth having a complete freak-out when JJ falls out of his chair and tweaks his knee. Requiring a minor surgery he's had numerous times, which makes it even funnier to his nonplussed family.
  Dylan: Rookie.
  • And then his reaction outside while talking to Maya:
  Kenneth: Don't make me talk to him! (whispering) I'll fall on him!

Season Two

2x01: W-e-We're B-a-Back!

• Dylan tries to Inception Ray by talking to him while he dreams about his long-distance girlfriend.
• Seeing JJ be so successful at camp makes the other DiMeos decide to get their acts together.
  • First, in order to figure out what they need to work on, they ask Kenneth. He sings a whole musical number set to Brandy (You’re a Fine Girl)—which Jimmy realizes is the song from Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.
  • Then when Maya tries to get Kenneth to help clean the house, he immediately leaves.
  • Dylan decides to get a job mowing lawns, and she’s so fast that she starts making hundreds around the neighbourhood.
  • Jimmy decides to start showing up on time, and is shocked to find out that he’s able to get parking spots and drink coffee
  • Maya doesn’t know how to improve her life, so she just starts tagging along with another housewife.
    • She later asks if the housewives do that thing where they walk around the neighbourhood in pantsuits and judge other houses. The housewife responds that she's almost certain that only happens in sitcoms about suburbia
  • Ray, having nothing to criticize, becomes a broken shell of a man.

2x03: T-r-Training D-a-Day

• Jimmy trying to give Ray The Talk. He hesitates for so long that they wind up at the Mexican border, in the dead of night.
  Jimmy: What's Spanish for U-turn?

Season 3

3x01: L-O-N-LONDON (Part 1)

• The DiMeos living with Kenneth is shown as the title sequence of a TGIF sitcom called Living Under One Roof, complete with upbeat theme song. The montage starts with everyone smiling and laughing, but it quickly goes south as everyone starts arguing. Especially funny is the Running Gag of people changing the thermostat.
• Kenneth sticking his head through the gates of Buckingham Palace waiting for the Queen to come out.
  Kenneth: I have a plan to get her to come out. QUEEN! COME OUTSIDE!
• Given that he's played by John Cleese, it's no surprise Maya's dad is a fountain of laughs.
  • The group meets him as he antagonizes a tour bus that passed by his apartment every day. Hassling the tour guide by reciting his spiel word for word.
• Jimmy killing himself dragging J.J. to the observatory deck of Central Hall Westminster to enjoy the view... then spotting the London Eye, which was wheelchair accessible and would have provided a better view.

The Fanfic

• Poor Light. Even in an Alternate Universe, he is still chained to the ever so eccentric L.
• After Watari met Light and the latter accidentally destroyed L's precious strawberry shortcake, L temporarily left.