Funny / Mass Effect 3 Citadel

Grunt sneaking out of the hospital

Oh boy, where do we begin? Not only is the party (not to mention the Silversun Strip social meetups) a non-stop comedic tour de force, but even the combat-mission section has the feel of an action-comedy in the vein of Beverly Hills Cop, with endless, funny wisecracks including, at the end, possibly the best Bond One-Liner in all of Mass Effect. There are so many branching variations on the party that you totally have to save the game right before telling Glyph to launch it, just so you can replay all the possible versions.

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The main DLC Missions

Mission I: The Restaurant Ambush

• The CAT6 Mercenary at the start of the DLC is hilarious as he is awesome. It really sets the tone for the whole DLC.
  Mercenary: Tonight's entertainment is brought to you by random acts of violence!
  • His comment following his troops firing into the air, scattering the patrons.
    Merc: Man, I love show business!
• The beginning of the DLC has a nice barb from Joker when Brooks rushes in with a message.
  Brooks: There are people trying to kill you!
  [Shepard and Joker share a look]
  Joker: ...Yeah, I think s/he's aware of that?
  Brooks: I mean other people!
  • At the start of the initial attack, Joker thinks Shepard used him as bait. He refuses to let this go.
    Joker: You used me as bait? You used me as bait! Did you see that? Savior of the Citadel uses brittle-bones guy as bait.
    • Becomes doubly hilarious when you realize that Shepard's clone did, too.
• Brook's antics after Shepard got shot and landed hard at a lower platform beneath the restaurant:
  Shepard: Brooks... You got hit.
  Brooks: I know! I used medi-gel. A lot of it. Um, all of it actually. And now everything is a little bit bouncy!
  Shepard: I think you used too much.
• During the first mission, the player can find various datapads, containing some pretty weird stuff.
  From: EZ Meat
  We do not make anything that tastes like krogan and certainly not "BBQ asari." That is not the sort of business we do. Please restrict your orders to what's in the official catalog.
  Sincerely,
  Grett Bast
  Shipping Director, EZ Meat Inc.
  • Maybe Javik placed that order?
    Festuz,
    I know you're licking the fruit when I'm not around. Stop that. Seriously.
    -B

    Sshastah, darling...
    Look, here's the deal: you just can't say stuff like that to Jiala.
    She. Will. Freak. Out.
    I swear to you her blue head will pop right off! I doubt her dad was a vorcha. Sort of doubt it...
    -V

    All Staff
    I am aware some of you are considering leaving my employ and working for those hussies over at Micah. They don't care about you like I care. I super-care about you. And the good kind of caring! Not the creepy kind.
    Salocious Vess
    Manager, Van Allen Belts

    VARIABLEZ!
    I think I tore my ACL doing something EXXXTREME! Starting to BLACK OUT from the PAIN! YEAAAHHHH!
    -Gibba 'The Gibster' Gublanski
    PS- okay guys really im blacking o
• For some reason, some of Enemy Chatter is hilarious for how over-the-top it sounds. Especially whenever you kill one of their comrades, and they sound like teenage boys who lose a game, or an adult Cartman.
  CAT6 Mercenary: GOD DAMN IT!!!
• During the ambush, Shepard's love interest shows up to rescue him/her^note If Shepard's love interest isn't available, Liara is the default cement their fall into old married couple territory.^note Exact wording of the love interest's dialogue depends on the character.
  Shepard: [preparing to shoot a door open] Stand back!
  Love Interest: Wait. [politely knocks on the window and asks] Could you open the door for us?
  [door opens]
  Love Interest: Thank you.
  Volus Skycar Manager: Please leave!
  Love Interest: [looks smug]
  Shepard: Well, I could have done that.
  • A bit earlier:
    Love Interest: What do you know about these mercenaries?
    Shepard: They have guns and don't like me!
    Love Interest: That's very helpful. Thanks.
  • The volus manager also gets a fairly squeaky Big "NO!" if you hose down one of his display skycars with the machine gun Wrex/Vega hands you.
  • Prior to this, the LI or Liara will be seen defending themselves from the mercs. Garrus or Ashley wil come out with a gun and shoot the attacking mercenaries, while Liara and Kaidan will show up unarmed and dispatch them with biotics. Tali, on the other hand, arrives without a gun and zaps them with her omni-tool, which, due to recycled animations, is very easily mistaken for a Finger Gun.
• If Wrex is still alive, he gets in on the action in the DLC. And how does he make his entrance? By leaping out of a window and elbow-dropping a shuttle full of CAT6 goons!
  (After the post-mission Dialogue)
  Wrex: (To Shepard) Bet you haven't seen a shuttle getting taken down like that before. I still got it.
  • Also, if you think about it, Wrex had no idea what was going on. He was just in a boring political meeting, heard bullets, and decided that was as good a reason to jump out a window and elbow-drop a shuttle as any.
• Everyone complaining about Shepard trashing the sushi restaurant. Tali in particular.
  Tali: Back during my pilgrimage, I used to walk around near that sushi place and watch the fish through the window. I knew they'd never let me inside, but I'd think to myself, someday, when I've proven my worth to the galaxy, I'll go there for dinner. And then, you broke their floor.
  Shepard: Do they even have food you can eat there?
  Tali: Not the point, Shepard!
  • The exchange is particularly humorous if you are romancing Tali, where she shows her Tsundere side:
    Shepard: I'm fine by the way.
    Tali: Glad to hear it. Try not to destroy any more of my childhood memories.
  • Javik doesn't complain, so much as he outright trolls Shepard for what happened to him:
    Javik: Commander, In my cycle when we fled combat by falling through tanks containing aquatic animals, we usually... Oh right, we never did! (laughs) You are a trailblazer!
  • While not a complaint, EDI does make an observation.
    EDI: Civilian casualties seem to have been restricted to... fish.
    • This may also be poking fun at the knack for players to forget to feed the fish between missions in the second and third game (resulting in a die-off).
• Cortez's comment on what had happened during the previous mission, while also neatly summing up the moral of the story.
  Cortez: Never have dinner with Joker. It won't end well.
• Brooks and Shepard have vastly different reactions to being shot:
  Brooks: I'm going to have to write a report about getting shot. I hear those are really complicated.
  Shepard: It's faster if you make a template.
  Brooks: I think maybe you get shot too much.
• Liara trolling Shepard about how she got the phone call that ties the casino owner, Khan, into the assassination attempt on Shepard.
  Shepard: That phone call was pretty damning stuff. How'd you get it?
  Liara: It involved the weapon's biometric data, salarian intelligence, and a hanar prostitute with camera implants.
  Shepard: Seriously?
  Liara: No, but the truth is boring.
• The first Achievement for completing this mission features a bunch of fish, basically saying: "You fell through a fish tank. Good job!"

Mission II: The Casino Infiltration

• In the casino, you can interact with the waterfall. If you do, then you'll hear a woman's voice over a nearby speaker saying, "Please do not touch the waterfall." You can keep on doing it, though, resulting in the following responses, in this order.
  "The fountain is decorative. Do not touch."
  "Please keep your hands out of the water."
  "Fine. You know what? It's a hanar urinal. Knock yourself out."
  • Also, while you're gambling, you'll hear the same woman on the PA frequently, and one of the things she keeps on saying is "Please stop touching the waterfalls!" So it isn't just Shepard — lots of people enjoy waterfall-touching, to the eternal annoyance of the casino staff.
• Some of the guests at the casino party have hilarious lines.
  • If you talk multiple times with a spoiled, very ditzy rich girl, she'll note that you can't get enough of her.
    Shepard: What can I say, I'm a masochist.
    Aishwarya Ashland: Oh, no kidding! I'm a Scorpio! We'll get along great!
    • She also reveals she was educated through a self-education program that allows you to decide on your grades yourself to teach you responsibility...
    • And she's "totally on" letting refugees stay at her Citadel apartment (which has a retractable roof), but it's so hard to find the right ones because none of them have agents...
  • Her father, space fuel mogul Jonah Ashland, knows her all too well. He is upstairs drinking the loss of all his helium-3 refineries away. He notes that his daughter is going through a... self-absorbed stage... at the moment. For additional points, remember how the last game described ryncol as a very potent drink for non-krogan races, then note how Mr. Ashland is still standing. Either his frustration with his daughter is more powerful than the krogan death booze or he's been at it so much he's as numb to the ryncol as he is Aish's flightiness.
    Shepard: We've met.
    Jonah Ashland: Ah. Then maybe I should pass the ryncol over to you.
  • Two Asari socialites mistake Shepard for a hobo and fall victim to Blunt Metaphors Trauma:
    Selyana: The humans are so resilient. Like that phrase of theirs: "Stiff one in the lips."
    Shepard: Stiff upper lip.
    Selyana: Right, of course. What did I say?
  • Sha'ira (the ME1 asari consort)'s reappearance for those who didn't expect to see her again after the first game.
    Shepard: Have any advice for me?
    Sha'ira: Win.
    • It doubles as a Tearjerker considering Sha'ira has been through Hell since you last saw her in 1. She also notes she's relieved that Shepard is alive, not ruining her predictions in 1.
  • Shepard's conversation with a lawyer:
    Shepard: You ever think about working for someone a little more above-board?
    Lawyer: Like who?
    Shepard: The Council is going to need lawyers like everyone else.
    Lawyer: You think I should defend the Citadel Council if they get sued?
    Shepard: Who said anything about defense?
    Lawyer: Hah.
• Bring any squadmate (except EDI) to distract the guards in the casino, they make the most unbelievable and hilarious excuses ever such as:
  • Kaidan's:
    Kaidan: I've lost a lot of money. Who can I talk to about getting it back?
    Guard: Uh, I'm sorry. You can't...get it back. No, no... please, sir. Please don't cry.
    —
    Kaidan: I'm with the Varren Anti-Cruelty Association, and I cannot believe what I am seeing up there!
    Guard: Pipe down. We're well-regulated. I'll find my supervisor.
    —
    Kaidan: Mike Hazer? Hazer the Laser? Almost didn't recognize you!... You owe me money.
    Guard: I'm sorry. You have me mistaken. Please step back.
    —
    Kaidan: Kaidan Alenko. Special Tactics and Reconnaissance. You look like you'd be an excellent candidate.
    Guard: Wait. Me? A Spectre? Let's hear all the details.
  • Ashley's:
    Ashley: I think... I ate a steak meant for the turians. Am I going to die?
    Guard: Just stay calm, ma'am. We can take care of it.
    —
    Ashley: [acting VERY drunk] HEY! Can someone tell a girl where she can get a drink around here? I mean, REALLY.
    Guard: Wow... Uh, ma'am? Ma'am, I'm on duty. All right? The bar is over there. No, no, it's that way. THAT WAY. Do you - do you see it?
    —
    Ashley: [crying] So he said he just wanted to be friends, and I said, "Are you breaking up with me?"
    Guard: I'm, uh... they don't pay me enough for this. I'm sorry to hear that, ma'am. Is there something I can help you with? I'm kind of at a loss.
    —
    Ashley: Ashley Williams. Office of Special Tactics and Reconnaissance. I'm looking for the best. Are you the best?
    Guard: Did I hear you right? You want me to join the Spectres?!
    —
    Ashley: Go ahead. Feel my muscle. No, it's okay. Go ahead. Solid steel.
    Guard: I'm... not sure I should feel your muscle, ma'am. It looks very nice though.
    —
    Ashley: So I don't know what the protocol is here, but... when do you get off work?
    Guard: Uh... I'm flattered, ma'am. Also married.
  • Liara's:
    Liara: [Southern accent] Uh, is there somewhere ah can go to make a pri-vaht call? It's verray important.
    —
    Liara: You look hungry. They have vat-grown swordfish at the restaurant. Shall I save you a bite?
    Guard: I wouldn't turn that down... Hey! Who told you I like vat fish?
  • Liara can also pretend to be an agent of the Consort, promising the guard a meeting with Sha'ira. In-context, given the asari's mostly-undeserved reputation for promiscuity, Liara is taking advantage of that misconception and essentially promising free sex.
  • Garrus':
    Garrus: Can you tell me who calibrates the odds on your machines? I never seem to get a payout.
    Guard: I'm afraid that's confidential, but I'd be happy to provide you with a free drink instead.^note If you mingled with one of the bartenders, they informed you that all drinks were on the house that night. Points to the guard for trying to troll the annoying guest!
    —
    Garrus: Excuse me, can you tell me where the bartender keeps the hard stuff? Like, say, turian horosk?
    Guard: I'm sorry, sir, but we aim to entertain our guests, not put them in a coma.
    —
    Garrus: Ah! A human! Perfect. I'm kind of on the outs with my human girlfriend. Could you give me some insights?
    Guard: Sir, I am definitely not an expert.
    —
    Garrus: Back when I worked at C-Sec, I could have sworn there was a volus brothel upstairs.
  • Javik's:
    Javik: You! Human, I require your attention. I am a prothean. What do you think of that?
    Guard: Uh huh. You're the fourth one I've met this week. Though your costume is better than the rest.
    —
    Javik: In my cycle, games of chance were punishable by death. Your customers would be executed.
    Guard: Your... cycle? Do you need a place to park or something?
    —
    Javik: Human. I met your ancestors long ago. They were living in caves, throwing rocks at wildlife.
    Guard: We remind guests that some of our drinks do contain hallucinogens. Please drink responsibly.
    —
    Javik: Human. Allow me to read you. Give me your hand.
    Guard: I'm sorry, sir, we have a rule against touching the customers.
    —
    Javik: Human, I must complain. The beverages here are toxic to my kind. You cannot serve them.
    Guard: Everything here is toxic to somebody. We ask that guests be vigilant with their beverage choices.
  • James':
    James: Hey, Pervo. Did I just see you staring at my chica's ass?
    Guard: I assure you I wasn't, sir. I'm not even certain which lady is yours.
    —
    James: *sniff* Hey, you smell that? I could swear I smell something burning.
    Guard: I don't smell anything. Have you ever had a stroke or concussion, sir?
    —
    James: I'm with the Citadel Station Building Inspectors. I need to look in your basement.
    Guard: Is that... code for something?
    —
    James: My man, is there ah... you know... a private bathroom around here?
    Guard: I'm sorry, sir. You'll need to use the public restroom like everyone else.
    —
    James: Hey, you're Bob's friend, aren't you? I knew I recognized you from somewhere! How the hell is Bob, anyway?
    Guard: Ah, well... he's... How do you know Bob exactly?
  • Wrex's:
    Wrex: I need to look in your kitchen! I'm a food inspector!
    Guard: Uh... I'm going to have to see some credentials.
    —
    Wrex: You don't have to call for back up. I'm just looking for a game that isn't crap.
    Guard: We, uh, like to be prepared, sir.
  • Hell, Wrex eventually just gives up on trying to think up believable distractions, and spends the rest of the mission distracting the guards by berating them for being terrible at guarding.
  • After the mission, if you didn't take Wrex with you, he'll ask if they didn't invite him to be their partner because he was too much man for them to handle, and will chuckle. He'll ask this of a Shepard of either sex.
• Everyone's response to finding Khan dead:
  • Wrex becoming disappointed for not being able to do some shooting:
    Wrex: You got me dressed up like this and someone else got to do the shooting? Wrex not happy.
  • Javik's is also priceless...
    Javik: He has a bigger hole than your council's defense plan.
  • Kaidan and Garrus also ending up disappointed, as they were thinking of doing Good Cop/Bad Cop routines.
  • Hilariously, even if he's annoyed he didn't get to shoot anyone, Wrex decides that, since someone died mid-party, he still had a good time by krogan standards:
    Wrex: Hell of a party! Almost as good as krogan do it. Doesn't count unless the host dies at the end.
• Talking to Javik after infiltrating the casino with him gets this gem.
  Javik: The James human believes you and I were on a date at the casino. Protheans did not date primitives! We conquered them, we enslaved them... We sometimes ate them, but we did not "date" them! Unless they were asari. The things Liara does not know...
• Talking to Kaidan after infiltrating the casino gets this gem, partly because it just seems so out of place coming from him. That, plus the very idea that there is such a thing as a vorcha mafia. (The Blood Pack were one of them, but were taken over by the krogan, which demoted the vorcha to Cannon Fodder.)
  Kaidan: Hey, did I ever tell you about my casino run-in with the vorcha mafia? Five thousand credits and a bottle of whiskey? Actually, never mind.
• During the briefing before the assault on the Archives, Glyph starts flashing and flies right in the middle of everyone. Javik provides this response:
  Javik: It appears this drone is preparing to rebel.
• Wrex grumbling about the CAT6 mercs after the first mission, when Brooks calls the Normandy crew legends gets this from Liara and Tali teasing him:
  Tali: The bigger the target, the bigger the, uh... target.
  Wrex: Are you saying I've put on weight?
  Liara: It just means there's more legend to love.
  Wrex: (expression of pure murder)
• From the "legends" conversation, Brooks makes mention of the importance of the camaraderie among the Normandy crew.
  • If Shepard takes the Paragon dialogue:
    Shepard: It's all part of the job.
    Garrus: Wait, "job"? You mean the rest of you are getting paid for this?
  • If Shepard takes the Renegade dialogue:
    Shepard: I taught them everything they knew.
    Garrus: Running, dodging, occasionally how to push a button...
• In the middle of a crucial briefing, Shepard turns around and is confronted by... a volus pizza guy.^ExplanationAdditionally, it's a joke on the object carrying sub-objective in multiplayer mode being nicknamed the "pizza delivery."
  Shepard: ...What's with the volus?
  Vega: Oh. [shrugs] Pizza delivery guy. I got the munchies.
  Volus Pizza Guy: Double pepperoni.
  • About a minute later:
    Vega: Hell yeah! But, uh... who going to take point with you?
    Wrex: Ahem.
    Javik: Ahem.
    Tali: Ahem.
    Volus Pizza Guy: Ahem, who's going to pay the bill?
  • Later, when the volus calls about payment in the middle of a firefight...
    Vega: Tell him they burnt the pepperoni!

Mission III: The Skirmish at the Citadel Archives

• The start of the initial firefight sets the tone for the mission itself, especially with Brooks being the Tagalong Girl throughout:
  Wrex: In the old days, we had at least five minutes before a mission went south!
  Shepard: We still got everyone?
  Liara: We're on the balcony!
  Brooks: I'm okay too!
  Shepard: Where's everyone else?
  Cortez: Other side!
  Kaidan: Having a little party up here, with bullets!
  Javik: These primitives will make good sport!
  James: One big, happy, ass-kicking family! See that shot, Brooks? That's how legends do it!
  Brooks: If I wasn't covering my eyes, I'd be impressed.
• Meeting Shepard's Clone for the first time, he/she has some rather spicy comments towards one of Shepard's squadmates present:
  (To EDI) You're nothing more than electrons pretending to be alive.
  (To Kaidan) I would have picked the other one on Virmire. Ashley-something?
  (To Ashley) I would have picked the other one on Virmire. Kaidan-something?
  (To Garrus) You're nothing more than a burnt-out cop past his prime.
  (To James) You're just a farm boy who lost his pitchfork.
  (To Javik) How many of your own men did you crawl over to make sure you survived?
  (To Liara) You're nothing more than a college cheerleader pretending to be a soldier.
  (To Tali) I'm not sure whether to kill you with a bullet, or just take off your helmet and cough.
  (To Wrex) You're the poster child for why they invented the genophage.
• More firefight banter ensues:
  • Wrex calling himself "Uncle Urdnot" throughout the mission:
    Wrex: All right, everyone. Uncle Urdnot is back in town, and he brought the boom!
    Shepard: Is that a catchphrase or something, Wrex?
    Wrex: Thought I'd try it out, see what you think!
    Tali: Try again!

  • The mercs losing their shit when they encounter Shepard's crew. Bonus points for them somehow knowing what a prothean looks like:
    CAT 6 Captain: Rapier Squad, orders are to kill the other Shepard's crew! No messing around this time!
    CAT 6 Lieutenant: But they've got a krogan! Why don't we have a krogan?^note (This may also be a reference to the fact that the main storyline has no krogan squadmate... which the Citadel DLC corrects with a vengeance.)
    Wrex: Wouldn't want to be you, princesses! HAHAHA!

    CAT 6 Lieutenant: I think that turian they've got is Archangel! How the hell are we supposed to kill him?!
    [BANG!]
    Garrus: You're not!

    CAT6 Merc: Shit! That's a prothean over there!
    Javik: And that's a future corpse over there!

  • James just rubbing it on the CAT6 Mercs' faces:
    James: We've got 'em psyched out! Hey, pendejos! Our Shepard is better than yours!
    Love Interest:^*Or Wrex, if Shepard has no LI present And better-looking too!

  • The banter takes up a notch once the gang splits into three groups:
    Sheaprd: Team Mako, you're on point!
    Brooks: Right! What's a Mako?
    Liara: Something we could use right about now.
    Shepard: Team Hammerhead, cover the flank!
    Cortez: Got it! And the Mako's got nothing on the Hammerhead!
    • ...Which then continues with a measuring contest:
      James: Team Mako, showing Team Hammerhead how it's done!
      Kaidan: Hammerhead here! That's because you're copying us!
      Liara: Mako here! If we were, we wouldn't be hitting anything!

    • ...and then capped off by this line from the game's resident Troll:
      Javik: This is Team Prothean! I have a higher body count than all of you combined!
  • The Mercs are really wary of Wrex's presence in the firefight:
    CAT6 Trooper: And they've still got the krogan! Someone kill him!
    Wrex: Someone can try!
  • Tali chimes in at the ridiculousness of the situation, followed by the rest of the crew:
    Tali: This is almost unfair! Should we give them a chance?
    Brooks: Speak for yourself, please! I'm not even a field agent!
    Liara: Just follow Shepard's lead: let the rest of us do the heavy lifting!
    Garrus: Touche, T'Soni!
    Shepard: You think all you comedians could start hitting something?
  • The crew offering up a bargain towards the curb-stomped mercs:
    James: Attention, low-life mercenary wannabes! Say please and we'll accept your surrender!
    Tali: Say "pretty please" and maybe Wrex will take a break!
    Wrex: Try it and we'll see!
    Javik: The prothean, on the other hand, makes no such promises!
• Among the many Easter Eggs in the Citadel DLC, there is an entry in the Citadel Archives regarding the Ark of the Covenant! More Here.
• The ladder sequence. Some of the lines may remind players of a certain dirty tactic used by the multiplayer enemies...^note When players climbed a ladder, they were left vulnerable to enemy fire, and were frequently killed doing this action.
  Javik: I did not survive this long to die on a ladder!
  Liara: That's cheating! We're on a ladder!
  Garrus: Now they're just fighting dirty!
  James: Oh, now they decide to play hardball, huh?
  EDI: Their timing is impeccable!
  Ashley: Hey! We're on a ladder here, jerks!
  Tali: Hey, that's cheating! We're on a ladder!
  Kaidan: Never a crate to hide behind when you need one!
  Wrex: They wait 'til we're on a ladder? Cowards!
  • The Bond One Liners are quite hilarious too:
    Garrus: And that's the moment when the universe ran out of ammunition.
    Wrex: That's why I love hanging out with you guys. Why shoot something once, when you can shoot it forty-six more times?
    Liara: I don't know. Are you sure you got them all?
    Kaidan: Not sure you got them all. Might be a few left back on, oh... I don't know, Mars?
    Ashley: No fair showing off while we're stuck on a ladder. I want a do-over!
    James: That's right! You mess with Shepard, and you mess with his/her friends! Unless we happen to be climbing a ladder!
    EDI: In retrospect, I should have employed my decoy, but this allowed the rest of you a significant catharsis.
    Tali: Right. that ought to do it...
    Javik: I find what primitives lack in aim, they make up for in ammunition.
    • Javik's comment doubles as Hypocritical Humor: while everybody else unleashes hell on the mercs, Javik is seen shooting a shotgun - at the wall.
• Glyph hopes that he, like the CAT6 attack drones, will one day be given weaponry. He says this in the same matter of fact voice he uses for everything. Better yet, he says this while you're battling said drones and he just floats around the battlefield, seemingly unaware of (or just not caring about) the fight around him.
  • Similarly, Glyph's infatuation with elcor mating totems.
  • The mercs eventually get so annoyed at Glyph that they beg Liara to shut him down. Liara responds by ordering Glyph to "lower their morale" by continuing to annoy them.
• The clone thing keeps on confusing Glyph. First when Shepard tells him to find the clone, he thinks he has found him/her standing right in front of him. Later he reveals that he found the clone but thought it was Shepard and obeyed his/her orders.
  Shepard: Glyph?
  Glyph: Yes, Commander?
  Shepard: Track the target. Give me updates on its location.
  Glyph: What is the nature of the target.
  Shepard: S/He looks like me.
  Glyph: Then I have found the target.
  Shepard: No, Glyph. It's another me. Now get going.

  Glyph: Commander, I have cataloged 18 previously unknown historical events.
  Shepard: Where's the target, Glyph?
  Glyph: S/He is searching for a secret vault. S/He did not wish to be disturbed.
  Shepard: What?
  Glyph: I thought s/he was you.
  Shepard: Go find him/her again.
  Javik: Stupid machine.
  • If you have Liara and Tali with you, Liara apologizes that Glyph isn't really programmed to handle this type of situation, and Tali snarks that her drone Chitikka wouldn't have a problem.
• The sheer extent for which Javik does not care for history, when exploring the Spectre Archives.
  Other squadmate: Thousands of years of history...
  Javik: Also known as "a nap". I am glad I slept through all of it.
• Bring EDI to the vaults, and as Shepard grumbles about not wanting to talk about the clone, there's this:
  Shepard: I don't want to talk about it.
  EDI: (cheerfully) We can resume the conversation later, when you have consumed alcohol.
  • If you bring Garrus, he and Javik (regardless of if he's in the party) banter about how useful having a clone would be because it could do all the stuff you don't want to do.
    Shepard: I don't want to talk about it.
    Garrus: Right, you can have your clone do it for you.
• Hilarious in Hindsight:
  Mysterious Figure: I need more time! Slow him/her down or I'll have your head!
  Cortez: The other Shepard sounds like a real asshole.
  Brooks: I'd quit if s/he were my commander!
• The new M7 Lancer, effectively a Call-Back to the weapons of the first game with a cooling system instead of heat sinks. Run out of ammo and try to reload, Shepard tries to eject the heat sink, only to realize there isn't one and flail around a bit to avoid getting burnt.
• When threatening Brooks and the Shepard clone, the Paragon option is "I will end you," whilst the Renegade option is "I will end you painfully."
  • If you want to ask for more information, the option is "Who are you so I can end you?"
  • If the player chooses the Renegade option, Shepard proceeds to make (via a series of Renegade interrupts) an increasingly colorful series of threats, culminating in threatening to throw them out of the airlock. If Javik is in the squad, he'll respond "FINALLY!" Ash, being Ash, wants in on that in the worst way, and Wrex, being Wrex, will volunteer to powder their skulls first.
    • Even the nicest squadmates have a word to say from Tali's quiet: "I'll help," to Kaidan's enthusiastic "Count me in."
• The crowning moment has to be Shepard's evil clone stealing "I should go". Shepard can't believe that they sound like that and continues lamenting as the clone locks Shepard and two of their squadmates in an impenetrable vault. The squadmates are (understandably) distressed, as this effectively cuts off any chance of rescue, but Shepard can't get over how they sound - which leads to another CMOF... when a squadmate freaks out and pleads for Shepard to pay attention to their predicament, Shepard nonchalantly calls over Liara's drone Glyph and has the drone release the vault. Shepard knew the whole time that they weren't trapped and just rolled with their squadmates freaking out.
  Shepard: How come nobody told me about this before?! I'm open to feedback here!
  • Taking the usual usual upper-right response option will result in Shepard complaining s/he really doesn't sound like that and the "I should GO. I SHOULD go. *I* should go," monologue. Taking the lower-right option will have Shepard complaining that s/he doesn't say that all the time and says much cooler things. Like "Talk to you soon."
    Shepard: Because you know what? I never do. Leaves them wanting more.
  • Made even funnier with Wrex since he also seems rather nonchalant about the whole thing. He must figure Shepard has a plan.
  • Javik comments on how being trapped in a vault once was enough for him; and if Shepard acts unapologetic about constantly saying "I should go,", he replies "Indeed, never show weakness, even when leaving the room."

Mission IV: The Assault on the Normandy

• After you picked your squad for the assault on the Normandy, you're treated to a short scene with two others complaining that they didn't get picked. The one you use most frequently and the one you use the least. Or, if you are taking your most frequent squadmates, Wrex will, like a petulant child, say he wanted to go.
• EDI's "power outage" and subsequent reboot when you take her with you to the hijacked Normandy. The big smile, the high-pitched voice and one eye still rolled back into her head make the usually subdued EDI look and sound like she's on drugs.
  EDI: [jerks awake] I'M OKAY!
  Joker: [deadpan] Really.
  • After that, her other eye wanders over and her smile drops, as if noticing the problem, at which point both eyes return to normal followed by an affirming smile. Made even more hilarious when they cut back to Joker narrowing his eyes suspiciously.
  • The various party member responses to EDI blacking out are also priceless:
    Tali: Well, this is awkward.
    Javik: Inevitable in retrospect.
    James: Ooohhh shiiiit!
    Wrex: She supposed to do that?
    Garrus: [flexes his mandibles for a second] Crap.
    Kaidan: Hmm, that's not good.
    Ashley: Uh, we've got a problem!
    Liara: EDI?
• Mercs have jammed the comms so that Shepard cannot contact the Normandy. Shepard just shows up to do things the old-fashioned way:
  Merc 1: Shepard's here! Warn the Normandy!
  Merc 2: We can't! Comms are jammed, remember?
  Merc 1: Damn it!
• Shepard's annoyance at the clone being able to leave faster than him in the Normandy.
  Shepard: When we want to take off, there is a half hour of pre-flight checks! They just gun the engine and go?
  Kaidan: Clone must've used Spectre authorization to get clearance for an immediate departure.
  Shepard: Well, I know what I'm doing next time!
  • If Liara, Tali, or EDI are with you they explain that the checks don't actually matter, much to Shepard's disgruntlement. Tali has the best line.
    Tali: Most of those checks are just to make the captain feel better!
• It must be seen to be believed, but at one point, the fate of the Normandy, Shepard's identity, indeed, the fate of the galaxy itself... rests on Specialist Traynor's toothbrush. The best part of that scene is the look on Traynor's face when she realizes that it can save the day.
  Shepard: Manual lock and it's only meant to be opened from the other side. Any ideas?
  Garrus: From this side? A very precise mass effect field, maybe.
  [looks at Traynor as she has a blank, "You have got to be friggin' kidding me" look on her face while she slowly raises the toothbrush and activates it.]
  • While most of the crew would make a reasonably good comment as to how to open the said door (including Wrex, but not surprising considering he's a krogan Battlemaster), James is rather upfront with it:
    James: Hell if I know. Maybe some kind of tiny, biotic thing.
  • It's the way that Traynor ignites the toothbrush. It's evocative of lightsabers, or omni-tools... except that it's Traynor. And a toothbrush.
    • If Shepard is romancing Traynor, everyone will be commenting on both of them, provided FemShep takes the Paragon interrupt. Javik will be rather upfront with it:
      Javik: (annoyed) There will be time for "fraternization" later.
  • Also, how the party members hack their way into the door during the said scene: Most of them will omni-tool their way into the Normandy's entrance. If Wrex or James isn't the squadmate commenting, he's either shooting the conduit next to the door, (with Wrex) OR just kicks it down like how he tried fixing the AA Guns on Rannoch (with James). What hilarious hackers.
  • And then Shepard later mentions that they burnt out the toothbrush, and will have to make a point of buying Traynor a new one. After Shep earlier made a point in the beginning of the game of telling Traynor that she was on her own replacing the 6,000 credit toothbrush she left behind on Earth. Shepard will ask his/her squadmates to remind them to get Traynor a new toothbrush prompting this exchange:
    Shepard: If you told me this morning a toothbrush was going to save the Normandy, I would have been very skeptical.
    [a little later]
    Shepard: I think we broke Traynor's toothbrush getting that hatch open. Remind me to reimburse her for that.
    [Beat]
    Squadmate: Shepard, you need to reimburse Traynor for her toothbrush.
    Shepard: Later. Remind me later.
  • Best part of that conversation is the fact Shepard says that s/he would have been very skeptical. The usual line is "I wouldn't have believed you", but so much weird shit happens to Shepard that the idea of a toothbrush being the thing that tips the balance between victory and defeat is not actually that far-fetched.
  • If you bring along Wrex and Javik, you get this gem;
    Javik: In my cycle, we flensed food from our teeth with our own biotic abilities.
    Wrex: Man, your cycle sounds like crap.
• There's this exchange between two mercenaries on the Normandy:
  CAT6 Merc: What did s/he mean by "Slow him/her down?" We're allowed to kill Shepard if we have to, right?
  Merc Lieutenant: S/he said "slow him/her down" because s/he thinks we're cannon fodder!
  CAT6 Merc: Oh. Well... shit.
• Bring Wrex with you to the Normandy, and some of his combat dialog is how he always wanted to fight through the CIC of the ship. Shepard is not amused.
  Wrex: I always wanted to do this!
  Shepard: You wanted to fight inside the CIC of my ship?!
  Wrex: And it's not even my birthday!
  • Similarly, we find out that Garrus throws a Call-Back upon enjoying the firefight in the CIC:
    Garrus: One of my favorite places to fight!
    Shepard: The CIC of a warship?
    Garrus: Right there, above the gardens and below the electronics shops.
    Shepard: And antique shops, as I recall.
    Garrus: But only if they're classy.
  • Bring EDI in the Normandy fight, and she'll feel rather "blind" after clearing the CIC of mooks, not being to sense everything within the ship apart from the robot body she is in. The other squadmates will be consoling her in one way or the other (including Tali, who is known by her discomfort towards A.I.s). Javik, on the other hand:
  Javik: Watch out for the airlock. (snickers)
• Get on board the Normandy and you'll find all your stuff in a trash bin by the elevator - including the hamster, with a note that it is to be sent to an animal shelter to be disposed of.
  Shepard: "Please send this to an animal shelter for proper disposal as a warship is not an appropriate..." Ohoho, that is not okay.
  • Next line: "S/He messed with my hamster, guys. Now It's Personal."
    Shepard: ...Guys? Were you gonna say something, or... No, no, I get it. Hard to even find the words.
  • It's the delivery what makes it so funny. Watch it here. MaleShep's version here.
  • Then s/he tells the hamster that if anyone tries anything with it to go for the eyes.
  • If you nabbed the "Bryson Experiment", you'll hear it shrieking continuously in rage from the depths of the trash.
  • If you go to the security checkpoint leading to the War Room, you can salvage Campbell's favorite mug... for three credits.
• You go into the elevator right afterward, giving you a chance to have another elevator conversation.
  • If Wrex and Ashley or Kaidan are your squadmates, Wrex brings back an elevator conversation between him and Ashley/Kaidan:
    Wrex: Remember all those years ago on the Citadel, when I asked who'd win in a fight between you and Shepard? Remember how you thought it was a pointless question? Look at us now.
    Kaidan: I was really hoping you'd forgotten that.
    Ashley: Yeah, yeah. You were right.
    Wrex: Aaah, look on the bright side. In a few minutes, you'll have your answer.
  • If Wrex and Tali are in the party, they have a rather heartwarming exchange, but the topic and the delivery make it hilarious.
    Wrex: You been practicing with that shotgun? Still remember that fast reloading trick I showed you?
    Tali: You know, I've taken care of myself for the past few years.
    Wrex: I know. I'm old and I worry, even though my favorite quarian is all grown up and killing Reapers.
    Tali: You're like the crazy head-butting uncle I never had.
  • Tali trolls Liara.
    Liara: Are you ready?
    Tali: Well, I have to use the bathroom. [Beat] And... there. Now I'm ready.
    Liara: I was just asking to be polite.
    Tali: It's a silly question.
    Liara: At least wash your hands afterwards.
  • With Wrex and Liara in the elevator, especially if she already knew that her "father" was Matriarch Aethyta, the bartender with a krogan dad.
  Liara: Well, I recently discovered that I'm one-quarter krogan.
  Wrex: Ha! I knew there was a reason I liked you!
  • Javik shares an old prothean saying...
    Javik: Commander, at times like this, my people had an ancient saying. [Beat] Kill him/her.
    Wrex: Catchy. I like it.
    Ashley: Works for me.
    Kaidan: I think I can work with that one.
    Liara: Well, it's easy to remember.
    Tali: Keelah se'lai, Javik.
    Garrus: Your people had times like this? Because in our cycle this is pretty uncommon.
  • If Garrus is in the elevator with any of the squadmates from the first game, he has a call-back to the old elevator conversations from it. Doubles as one for a conversation he and Tali had in the second game.
    Garrus: So I'm the only one who misses when we used to chat in the elevators back on the Citadel?
    Liara: Yes.
    Wrex: Yep!
    Tali: Yes. Because you're terrible.
    Ash/Kaidan: [silence]
    Garrus: So disappointed.
  • Also, James's dialogues, considering they're headed to the shuttle bay.
    James: Those assholes are in the shuttle bay. My shuttle bay.
    Wrex: That's right, get pissed off! You'll fight better!
    Javik: Good. Use your anger.
    James: I just know somebody messed around with my weights! I finally had 'em set up right!
    Javik: On second thought, do not use your anger.
    Kaidan: Priorities, Vega.
    Ashley: Were you trying to bulk up or going for... You know, on second thought, we can talk about this later...
    Liara: Yes, that was... Bothering me as well.
    Tali: Or... Maybe I don't know how you feel.
    Garrus: See, normally you wouldn't get to shoot someone who messed with your weights. This is actually better.
    Wrex: Damn right. Nobody touches your stuff.
  • However, have James AND EDI as squadmates in the elevator, you'd get this anger override moment:
    James: Those assholes are in the shuttle bay. My shuttle bay.
    EDI: I believe my sense of proprietary outrage trumps yours.
    James: Oh, yeah. Sorry. You wanna talk about your feelings or something?
• Shepard gets fed up with their clone's insistence that they're better than the real thing and throws out a really low blow.^NoteProvided Shepard interacts with him throughout the entire trilogy AND he survives...
  Clone Shepard: I am Commander Shepard!
  Shepard: Are you kidding me? Conrad Verner is better at being me than you are!
• After the Normandy has been retaken, EDI confirms that she is back in control of the Normandy. It cuts to the mercenary pilot being tazed by EDI's drones.
• Brooks gets taken into custody for the incident. The player gets two choices in this instance, while she tries to covertly break free from her cuffs with her omni-tool:
  • As Paragon, Shepard can convince her not to escape and surrender to the Alliance Military. This will, in one way or the other, bother one of the squadmates:
    Wrex: In the old days, we'd have just shot her. Ah, good times.
    James: Damn. The really hot ones are always crazy, no?
    Javik: If you are undecided, it is not too late to throw her out the airlock.
    Ashley: Bitch.
    Tali: Bosh'tet.
    Garrus: I'm sorry we didn't shoot her.
    Kaidan: I almost wish we'd shot her.
    Liara: She'd better hope we never see her again.
  • While as Renegade, Shepard gets to kill her via an interrupt, then deliver an epic Bond One-Liner.
    Brooks: Admit it, Commander, you know you'll miss me. [slips handcuffs and runs]
    [Renegade Interrupt: Shepard draws pistol and shoots her in the back]
    Shepard: Not at this range, I won't.
  • Even if Shepard did not take the interrupt, it is still laugh-out-loud hilarious when one of your crew delivers the shot to the fleeing Brooks, as they also get theirs:
    Garrus: You know, I meant for that to be a warning shot. Ah, well.
    Javik: Problem solved.
    Wrex: (To Shepard) You're getting slow.^note It's even funnier if Wrex was with Shepard in 1 and unceremoniously shot Fist before Shepard could.
    Liara: As escape attempts go, I've seen better.
    Kaidan: Not likely.
    James: I don't think so.
    Ashley: I was really hoping I'd get to do that.
    Tali: Well I won't miss you, you crazy bosh'tet.
  • Capped off no less by this line:
    Joker: Uh... Maintenance to the shuttle bay...
  • Extra hilarity for this scene sets in when you realize that they're still in the shuttle bay. Of the Normandy. Which, even if she wasn't surrounded by heavily-armed and well-trained soldiers with a grudge against her, is back under the control of an AI that utterly loathes her. So even if nobody had shot her, she'd have made it to the elevator and then presumably stood there hitting the call button while EDI, and likely, everyone else present, laughed at her.
    • Not to mention, the Normandy is still airborne. What exactly was her plan there?
• The achievement Last Resort is awarded for completing the story part of the DLC, and grants you 50 gamerscore points (X360) or counts as a silver trophy (PS3). Fittingly, it features a glorious depiction of Traynor's toothbrush.

The Individual Side Encounters

• Invite Miranda into your apartment after the DLC's main arc, and she gets in on goading Shepard about what happened at the sushi restaurant:

  Miranda: Aw, they shut down my favorite sushi place.
  Shepard: That's... a shame.
  (Beat)
  Miranda: Shepard, you didn't...
  Shepard: I did. Fell right through the fish tank.
  Miranda: How did you do that?!
  Shepard: It... exploded.
  Miranda: (shakes her head in disbelief)
  Shepard: It was the clone's plan, not mine!
  Miranda: Blowing up a fish tank shouldn't be part of anyone's plan.

  • If you were particularly bad at caring for your pets, she even goes so far as to troll Shepard over his/her constantly dying fish in ME2.
    Miranda: Although executing marine life seems to be some sort of hobby with you. No wonder your clone couldn't resist.
    • Becomes even more amusing when one remembers that the first Reapers were created from Leviathan, meaning Shepard really does make a hobby of executing marine dwelling lifeforms.
  • When discussing the clone, Miranda says that the galaxy can't handle two Shepards, because "think of the property damage". Now think about how often buildings and space stations explode every time Shepard lands on one.
• Male Shepard's awkwardness during the conversation where Traynor is lounging in the hot tub, complete with My Eyes Are Up Here.
  • Traynor's discovery that Kahlee Sanders left an overnight bag containing a loofah, massage oils, and... er, "adjustable massage wands" in Anderson's former bathroom. Shepard's smirk says it all.
  • There's also how Traynor races to the hot tub. It's hilarious and adorable.
  • Even better, if Traynor is romanced, it becomes quite clear that the socially awkward, hypochondriac non-action girl who fell into the CIC at the beginning of the game has the charismatic invulnerable god-slaying protagonist hopelessly wrapped around her little finger.
    FemShep: We could go out, maybe catch a live performance? We don't absolutely have to use the—
    [Smash Cut to FemShep and Traynor in the hot tub]
    FemShep: You're very persuasive.
  • While a non-romanced Traynor is using your hot tub, she mentions having trouble getting her prescriptions refilled. Shepard asks her if she has everything she needs, and she assures them that there's only one pill she can't find.
    Traynor: The only medication I can't find is sucrocapsunol. My family doctor prescribed it for my headaches.
    Shepard: [checking their omni-tool] "Sucrocapsunol"? That's a sugar pill, Traynor, a placebo!
    Traynor: Oh, that sneaky bastard... And now that you've told me, it probably wouldn't work anyway!
• Over at the Silver Coast's bar, you're given the option to be the wingman for a non-romanced Garrus while he awkwardly tries to hit on a turian ambassador. The Paragon advice leads to him giving a creepy analysis of her personality and calling her an alcoholic. The Renegade advice... she could be forgiven for thinking Garrus plans to hide her body in his basement.
  • If you're in a romance with Garrus, Shepard and Garrus act out their "first date", which leads to Garrus dragging Shepard out onto the dance floor to tango. With that dance, Garrus did the impossible: He got Shepard to dance well.
  • In the same scene, we have this little gem:
    Garrus: ...Oh, I come here often. Good place to blow off steam... [looking at the dancing turian female] ...Scenery's not bad either.
    Shepard: [Death Glare]
    Garrus: [quickly] Though the view in front of me is even better!
  • Made even more hilarious if you take the second Renegade Interrupt.
    [James sees Garrus and Shepard dancing, and goes up to the front of the crowd to get a better look]
    [Renegade Interrupt: Shepard breaks off from Garrus and spins up close to James]
    James: Mmmm hmmm mmm.
    [Garrus pulls Shepard back away from James]
    Crowd: [laughs]
  • What makes it even more hilarious is, after Shepard shoots the predator eyes at the female turian, getting her to back off, Shepard has a big Oh, Crap! moment as Garrus drags her onto the dance floor.
  • While their dance may steal the show, their fake first date is also great. Just the fact that two of the biggest badasses in the galaxy are flirting in a bar by pretending to flirt in a bar is hilarious, but the lines themselves are good too:
    Shepard: Is that supposed to melt a girl's heart?
    Garrus: No. But this voice is...
    I'm Garrus Vakarian. Codename: Archangel. All-around turian bad boy and dispenser of justice in an unjust galaxy.
    Shepard: [gives him a "You Have GOT to Be Kidding Me!" face]
    Garrus: Also, I kill Reapers on the side. And you are?
  • A few lines later:
    Shepard: Is a girl supposed to fall for that?
    Garrus: Well, sure, you know. This voice, and, uh. And, uh... I'm running out of banter here, Shepard!
• FemShep flirting with Vega and the ensuing awkwardness.
  FemShep: What would it take to convince you, James?
  Vega: Uh... I think I would need to forget you're Commander Shepard, for starters.
  [Beat]
  FemShep: I see.
  [an even longer beat]
  FemShep: Well, now that you shot me down, is there anything else you came here to talk about?
• Traynor's confrontation with her asari nemesis in Castle Arcade. Complete with gloriously cheesy action movie close-up on their eyes. Shepard can join in.
  Renegade Shepard: Specialist?
  Traynor: Commander?
  Renegade Shepard: (snap zoom, dramatic orchestral hit) Kick her ass.
  Traynor: Roger that.
  • FemShep if she's romancing Traynor instead says...
    Shepard: I'm only gonna say this once, Traynor. (snap zoom, dramatic orchestral hit) My shower is for winners.
    Traynor: Oh that's cold! All right. She's going down.
  • And if you use the Intimidate option to ensure Traynor wins:
    Shepard: You're trash-talking. That's another strategy that doesn't work on the Reapers. It didn't work on the rachni either. Or the krogan. Have the asari ever won a war?
  • When T'souza loses, she gets shocked so badly, she topples out of the chair unconscious. The funniest part is that the onlookers applaud as mildly as they did when Traynor's salarian opponent lost (but was otherwise unharmed).
• A batarian and a vorcha say how they don't like Alliance types to Shepard and Ashley. Those two were looking for a fight with two Spectres. Three guesses what happens next.
• Jacob challenges Shepard to what is essentially a virtual Rock'em Sock'em Robots. Trash talk promptly follows.
• Grunt's Hangover-esque story on how he got arrested by C-Sec. It involves his buddies trying to break him out of the hospital by helping him climb out of a window, which didn't go as planned (the flash-back depicts Grunt plummeting past a window screaming, while the hospital employees remain completely oblivious), then climbing the krogan statue, then stealing the C-Sec squad car that arrived by hurling a bottle of ryncol at it and hijacking it when it burst into flames ...and culminating with them being sprayed with riot-foam at a noodles bar, which didn't work very well on Grunt.
  Shepard: And why's that?
  Grunt: Because I was on fire. You know, from the car? Come on, Shepard, keep up.
  • Blink and you'll miss it, but the smirk Grunt gives the C-Sec officer when Shepard vouches for him is priceless. You can practically hear him saying "See? Mom/Dad has my back!"
  • The excuses to get him out of C-Sec custody are pretty hilarious as well. As Paragon, they make Grunt say he's sorry. Which comes off as like a parent scolding their child.
    Shepard: Grunt, you apologize to the nice man for setting his car on fire.
    Grunt: Fine. I'm sorry for setting your car on fire...
    Shepard: (gives Grunt a look, as if telling him "Go on...")
    Grunt: ...and I won't do it again.
  • While as Renegade, they make up something to pass off as a legit operation for Grunt. The best part of that is how Shepard obviously looks away to come up with something.
    Shepard: Officer, this krogan is part of a top-secret Spectre Task Force: Operation... [Beat. Shepard looks to the side.] Fire... Cobra... Claw.
    C-Sec Officer: [sarcastically] Operation Fire Cobra Claw?
    Shepard: That's right.
    • Nothing can top the end conversation.
      Shepard: So... how were those noodles?
      Grunt: A little spicy.
      Shepard: I love you/You're my hero, Grunt.
      Grunt: Heh. Heh. Heh.
  • The best part is that Grunt had previously noted in 2 that his Extreme Omnivore trait stopped at ramen because they looked like worms. Guess Grunt conquered that exception!
  • Never mind that Shepard evidently entirely failed to notice the wrecked, burning C-Sec car located twenty feet away until Grunt mentioned it.
  • It should also be made aware that Grunt is essentially describing a Noodle Incident.
  • The better part is that the whole scene looks like a teenager calling Mom/Dad to bail him out of the local jail.
  • It also puts into perspective just how... strong ryncol is. Grunt doesn't mention modifying the ryncol to be flammable or explosive in any way, he just lobbed it and boom, the car caught flame. No wonder normally only krogan can drink it without just falling apart.
  • Finally, Grunt and his fellow krogan did it for a birthday celebration — except Grunt admits it's not his birthday and he technically doesn't even have one, being tank-born. His buddies just wanted to do something nice for him. ^note A Tuchanka year is the equivalent of 16.7 Earth years, so Grunt's birthday is still a decade and a half away.
• Jack has adopted a biotic varren from Thessia. While she's talking about how vicious he used to be and how she's teaching him it's okay to trust people, behind her back Shepard goes from keeping him at bay with a frying pan, to playing fetch using said frying pan. When Shepard does the classic fake throw, the varren knocks him/her off his/her feet and onto his/her ass with a biotic pulse. In layman's terms, Shepard got his/her ass kicked by a biotic varren. Extra hilarity is when Jack turns around due to the noise and both Shep and the varren are up on their feet facing her as if nothing was happening.
  Jack: (cooing) Who's my badass biotic?
  • After Jack explains why she took in the varren, Shepard has the option to point out the similarities between the two. Jack is genuinely confused as to what Shepard means.
  • Alternatively, if Shepard is romancing her, when Jack comes to his apartment, she tells him she has a surprise. When he replies that he likes surprises, Jack says, in a sultry voice, "Good. Get undressed." We then cut to Shepard lying on his stomach with Jack on top of him with a tattoo needle. His response is hilarious, if only for the deadpan delivery:
  This isn't what I was expecting.
• Several NPCs around the casino in the Citadel DLC voice common player complaints about squadmates in various multiplayer scenarios. They can all be found here.
  • The exchange between the Infiltrator and the vorcha comes to mind, especially since it highlights the first map to ever be shown in the multiplayer demo.
  • The Trigger-Happy Tech Armor-detonating turian.
    Salarian Engineer: But couldn't you just... hit them?
    Turian Sentinel: You can try, but those Marauders roll like you wouldn't believe. Spirits, I wish I could roll like that...^ExplanationTurians can't roll at all in multiplayer.
  • The asari Vanguard and Adept complain to each other about annoying teammates, especially ammunition-stealing drells and show-off humans, who like "flashing" through the walls.
    Vanguard: You think anybody's told them that doing that leaves them sterile?
  • The N7 Fury talking to the incompetent procurement officer. He got her a heavy shotgun with strength enhancers and extra ammunition. Given that she's a light biotic class that needs as low cooldowns as possible, rarely shoots and almost never fights melee, that's about as useless as it gets. Then when she complains, he defends himself by pointing out that the krogan soldiers would love a shotgun like what she got! ...While he's sending them biotic amps, which krogan soldiers can't use. Speaks volumes about the fickleness of the Random Number God.
    Fury: You're the reason we're losing this war.
• Zaeed losing his temper with a claw machine. And planning on going after whoever invented it. (His best guess: a salarian.)
  Zaeed: What could possibly be more important than Zaeed Massani not getting bested by some fucking kid's game?!
  • Best bit: try choosing the Paragon route, and Shepard can actually make him say "Please"... just for some credits.
  • Taking the Renegade route has him keep his rant about the game being rigged going even though Shepard beat it right in front of him.
• Francis Kitt's (of Elcor Hamlet fame) next project: Macbeth with krogan and a trained pyjak!
• Shepard and Wrex at the bar. Wrex orders two drinks and a bag of ice. Turns out that the female krogan are lining up for a chance with Wrex.
  Shepard: Considering everything we've been through, I can think of worse positions to be in.
  Wrex: Trust me, I've been in every position in the past few days.
  • The Renegade alternative to the above.
  Shepard: Aren't you in charge? They could at least hold off until after the war.
  Wrex: You've never been stalked by a fertile krogan female, Shepard. There is no holding off. Just... holding.
  • Wrex drops his head against the bar hard enough that it rattles. Rule of Three is in effect.
    Shepard: Ah, but you can't die, Wrex. You've got a family now. A really... big... family.
    Wrex: [groans] (THUD) More ice!
  • When you investigate, Wrex says that there are so many females outside his house that he had to sneak out his bathroom window. Not for the line, but imagining Wrex sneaking out the window. Or, given his size, making himself a new window trying to escape.
  • The best part? When the ice is delivered, Wrex stares at it for a good long moment, then turns to Shepard, who is all, "I'm not gonna apply it for you," before leaving him to do it himself.
    • The look between Wrex and Shepard can alternately be understood as "A little privacy, please?" "Err. Right."
    • Even better, we can hear the ice bag every time Wrex moves.
  • Look carefully at Shepard's expression as Wrex relays his troubles. At first you can see them trying not to smirk, before finally just grinning about it.
• The entire Blasto 7 scene with Shepard and Javik, particularly when they have to deal with Blasto's actor being a prima donna.
  • Paragon Shepard and Blasto squabbling over who really saved the Council from Sovereign, who's the better Spectre, who gets access to the cooler weapons, and who should get top billing in the vid... all while Javik is in the background, getting more and more annoyed.
    Shepard: Uh, this one is the hero of the Citadel. I'll handle it.
    Blasto: This one insists.
    Shepard: This one doesn't care!
    Javik [biotically blasts the "indoctrinated" vorcha actor into the scenery]: This one wishes he was still frozen in the refrigerator!
  • The refrigerator reference comes from this part...
    Salarian: The Ccouncil understands you recently found a prothean in the refrigerator and defrosted him.
    [Shepard and Javik look at each awkwardly]
    Shepard: Yeah. He was in the freezer, right behind the varren roast.
    Salarian: Oh, wise prothean elder, what wisdom of the ages can you share with us?
    Javik: Salarian kidney is best served at room temperature. It is even better when the salarian is still alive. The fear adds... spice.
    Vorcha: Prothean no like you!
  • The lower response of "Who wrote this crap?" earns this response from the director.
    Director: A writer wrote it, so it must be true.
  • The vorcha who says his line far too early, making it come completely out of nowhere:
    Vorcha: Aah, you die now!
    Director: Not yet! That line comes later.
    Salarian: The vorcha councilor will kindly refrain from further interruptions!
    Javik: I believe I have been misled about the purpose of this... "vid".
  • "It's Sovereign's half-brother, Sluggard!" And then Shepard's stunt double goes flying across the screen.
    • It gets better. Even if you are playing with a FemShep, the stunt double is still a male.
  • Javik meets Blasto...
    Javik: In my cycle, your kind were nothing more than appetizers. Would you prefer to be boiled or fried?
    Vorcha Councilor: Prothean no like you!
  • This being a Javik scene, there is the obligatory:
    Javik: [to Blasto] Where is the airlock so I may throw you out of it?
    Director: We don't have a prop for that!
    • What makes it better? The director actually considered it, and was only stopped because they don't have a valid prop for it! Looks like even the director can barely tolerate Blasto...
  • Not to mention the sight of a hanar dual wielding handguns. Moreso Carnifex Pistols. When can we get that as a multiplayer class, Bioware?
  • While all of this is happening, the director keeps the camera rolling, and then calls a wrap on Blasto 7 the second Shepard and Javik leave the set. And then orders a replacement vorcha for the one Javik killed so they can start shooting Blasto 8 right away.
• Joker's utterly truthful story about how he commandeered an Atlas mech during the Cerberus attack on the Citadel... which is why the bartender should comp his drinks.
  Fantasy!Joker: That's right! You just landed on the Island of Doctor Me!
  • Him giving the Fantasy!Cerberus troops stereotypical bad guy voices, complete with "Bwahahahaha!"-ing. Seth Green must've had a blast recording it. Or the fact that Joker making a stereotypical bad guy voice just ends up coming off as an evil version of Chris Griffin.
  • The only force response of the Cerberus troops before Fantasy!Joker in the Atlas opens up on them? A single pathetic *plink* from a SMG.
  • His Pre-Asskicking One-Liner, of course done with a ridiculously gruff voice:
    Fantasy!Joker: It's Joking time.
• Shepard's reaction to the Towers of Hanoi game available in the Castle Arcade. Want to play? ^ExplanationBioware have used the Towers of Hanoi puzzle in most of their games, such as Knights of the Old Republic, Jade Empire, the original Mass Effect, and Star Wars: The Old Republic. For example, in the original Mass Effect, a puzzle necessary to proceed took the form of a Towers of Hanoi puzzle. Most players didn't care for it and skipped it if they could.
  Shepard: I don't think so.
• One of the pieces of fan mail you get in Armax Arsenal Arena is how a fan made a 3:1 scale bust of Shepard's head... out of cheddar cheese.
  • The Top Ten player listing is populated with names of various minor characters from the games, ranging from your own teammates (Vega) to Commander Bailey, the beleaguered chief of C-Sec to the queen of Omega herself, Aria T'Loak. Also included are Shifty Cow, Barla Von, and Khalisah al-Jilani.
  • Vega goes so far as to send a cranky email when you beat his score.
• Tali, if she's in a romantic relationship with Shepard, deciding she needs to inflict her boyfriend (and thus, the audience) with her heartfelt but cringey singing, accompanying a melodramatic romantic drama targeted at teenage quarian girls:
  Tali: (At the top of her voice) Let the moon shine its light on two lovers with its raaaaaaays...
  • What sinches it is that the game forces a Beat before Shepard responds.
    Paragon Shepard: ..........I had no idea you were so into this.
  • And Tali remarking that this musical "FTL-jumped me into puberty."
  • The Renegade response to the above is arguably better:
    Shepard: Huh. I guess you've always had a thing for exotic alien men.
    Tali: I don't hear you complaining.
• Female Shepard and Miranda's hilariously botched attempt to talk about more feminine subjects, to try to act more normal. The attempted "conversation" don't even get past a sentence. Eventually they decide that they're "troubleshooting space divas" and just roll with it.
  Shepard: (calling a waiter) Space diva needs more wine.
• The final line in the Miranda/Shepard encounter is "Let's cause some trouble." The moment the scene ends, you see the visual effect of Shepard's barriers resetting. Just what kind of trouble did they cause?
• After everything's over, EDI comes over to Shepard's new apartment, wondering what gifts to buy Joker (difficult since as an AI, she isn't actually employed). One dialogue conversation about getting Joker armor leads to:
  Shepard: You shouldn't treat them like a mortal sack of meat.
  • If you take the Paragon option instead, Shepard encourages EDI to buy him something they can both enjoy. EDI promptly looks up what sounds like an extremely expensive car, and if the interrupt isn't taken, buys it (and all sales are final). Shepard asks her if Joker can afford it.
  EDI: Hrm. Shepard, I am in need of advice about human behavior. What do you know about bank robbery?
• The Overly Long Gag of Shepard doing pull-ups through Paragon and Renegade interrupts. Hearing the interrupt sounds and Vega's occasional banter makes beating his record of 182 hilariously awesome.
  • The sheer fact that they force you to do all 183 pull-ups. They could have just done a fade to black but no, they make you work for that record.
  • As a bonus, it's also nigh impossible to fail the sequence unless you're intentionally self-sabotaging yourself because they didn't bother adjusting the timing for the interrupts.
• Spending time with Samara after the party in the Citadel DLC gives us a gem, where she and Shepard people watch and determine that two volus are brothers and business partners, and one of them is a drunk who ruined the family's business, and the other cut him off. But when the first volus had his wife kidnapped, the other brother came with the ransom money to save her. Shepard is impressed at how she determined that just from looking at them.
  Samara: I didn't. I just made it up. See. Fun.
• Kaidan (who is Canadian) calling beef, bacon and beer "the foods of my people." Doubly funny for Canadian players, because he's pretty much right on the money...
  • At the end of the cooking sequence, Shepard asks if they have any hot sauce. It happens regardless of his/her relationship status with Kaidan, but the Mood Whiplash if they're in a relationship makes it hilarious. Kaidan's expression suggests he wants to brain Shepard with the skillet.
  • The extensive Vitriolic Best Buds before that if they're just friends is also amusing, with Shepard getting steadily more hyperbolic about the risk of Kaidan's cooking killing them both.

The Party

• Glyph says he's going to change his appearance to be more festive for the party. So what does he add? A holographic bowtie.
  • Occasionally, the bowtie spins.
• At the party, Jack and Miranda are up to their old tricks again. Shepard can tell them that s/he thinks it's due to sexual tension between them, leaving them both utterly baffled. Kasumi offers to record them venting said tension.
  • The actual exchange, particularly the way Jack and Miranda both react, is fantastic.
    Shepard: Honestly, I think it might help if you two just kissed and got it over with.
    Miranda: ...What?
    Shepard: I mean, this is all just sexual tension, right? Two powerful biotics, forceful personalities, confident in their sexuality...
    Jack: You are shitting me.
    Miranda: Oh my god.
    Kasumi: I am ready to record. I'm pretty sure there's a market for this. [disappears]
    Jack: Kasumi, I will find you and I will hurt you badly. Ugh. [Beat] I need another drink!
    Miranda: Me too. No ice.
  • Also hilarious is the leadup to this, where the two of them basically get into a name-calling contest with each other, culminating in Jack's absolutely hilarious burn. Her delivery just sells it:
    Jack: Hey, cheerleader, my haircut and I have been fighting Brutes and Marauders on the front lines of this war. Meanwhile, you got your big, bubbly butt kicked by some guy with a sword!
  • Then there's the amicable line by Jack:
    Jack: I still really hate you, but you have fantastic tits.
  • Meanwhile, going the other way gets this exchange:
    Miranda: We're not going to hug, are we?
    Jack: You wish.
• How about Grunt, Wrex and Shepard in an endless name cycle:
  Grunt: Shepard...
  Shepard: Grunt...
  Wrex: Shepard.
  Shepard: Wrex.
  Grunt: Commander Shepard...
  Wrex: Shepard. Shepard. Shepard...
  Shepard: Wrex... Grunt...
  Grunt: Shepaaaaaaard...
  Wrex: Shepaarrrrrrrrrd...
  Grunt: Shepard.
  [Cue Shepard's "huh" face]
  • This hilarious Say My Name banter goes on, even with an in-screen tip where you have the option to leave the conversation. If you do decide leave the loop, both Wrex and Grunt will say "Shepard" in unison.
  • Added note: If Priority: Rannoch was played before the Citadel DLC missions, players may realize that both of the krogan were actually mimicking the Reapers. Double with Wrex as the screen shakes with his voice.
  • It can also be done with just Wrex and Shepard or just Grunt and Shepard.
• Aside from Jack and Miranda's mentioned above, the other airings of sexual tension between EDI and Traynor and James and Cortez.
  • Also, Tali's desperate attempts to change the conversation during the EDI-Traynor airing.
    EDI: I am asking Specialist Traynor about why she found my voice sexually attractive.
    Tali: (uncomfortable) This is a really good cheese, Shepard. I put some in through the filters. Is it organic?
    EDI: On one occasion, you said that you wanted to, quote: "Pin my voice against the wall and run your tongue along its collarbone."
    Traynor: (embarrassed) Well, there's a context there, that... ah... You were talking about quantum entanglement, and I didn't know... you were an AI...
    Tali: (trying to change the subject) There's some kind of herb in the cheese that I can't quite place. Is it sage or basil?
    Traynor: (flustered) Anyway, I was just joking. You know? Stress of the retrofits, and...
    EDI: (mildly) Really? My diagnostics suggested that you were genuinely aroused.
    Tali: (a little too loudly) It's really rare to get herbed dextro cheeses. The turians almost never bother!
    Traynor: You have diagnostics? Cerberus programmed you to check body language?!
    EDI: I get more reliable results measuring pupil dilatation and thermal readings of erogenous zones.
    Traynor: (thoroughly embarrassed) Ohhh, good lord.
    Tali: (nervous) Wait, this is dextro cheese, right? Keelah, did I forget to scan the cheese? This is why I don't drink!
    Shepard: Fair's fair, Traynor. EDI has a right to ask about what you said.
    EDI: I was very interested in Traynor's ability to develop sexual feelings for what was, at the time, a bodiless voice.
    Traynor: (flustered) You are all terrible. (sighs) EDI, I apologize for saying that I wanted to "roll naked with your voice in satin sheets."
    EDI: Oh, I was not offended. In fact, it was flattering.
    Traynor: Even the part where I wanted to "grab your voice by the hair and nibble my way down its back"?
    EDI: I do not in fact remember you saying that, Samantha.
    Traynor: Oh! That wasn't out loud? Never mind.
    Tali: (annoyed) Don't mind me, I'm just going to run a toxin treatment program. So I don't die... I'm just going to sit here quietly and hope someone changes the subject.
    Shepard: Awkward?
    Tali: Awkward.
    Traynor: Well, that was mortifying.
    Tali: Tell me about it.
    EDI: You need not be embarrassed. Sexual attraction is natural for organics. And given your orientation and interest in synthetics —
    Traynor: We can - we can stop talking about this whenever you like!
    Tali: (muttering) I practically poisoned myself with cheese trying to change the subject.
  • Eventually EDI outright offers to send Traynor human/synthetic lesbian porn. Which Traynor accepts, much to poor Tali's disgust. If FemShep is in a relationship with Traynor, the former will also voice out her interest on what Traynor would do with EDI's voice; while Tali's reaction to Traynor accepting EDI's offer:
    Tali: Hah! I'm telling Shepard.
  • The icing on top of the cake happens when you talk with her the next morning. At first she seems mildly embarrassed, but talking to her further strongly implies that she had sex with EDI!^YMMVCan still be taken as simple embarassment and/or avoidance over admitting her feelings to EDI.
    Traynor: Oh... I should probably talk to EDI. Or, alternatively, I should never talk to EDI ever again....
  • Gets more hilarious if FemShep romances Traynor, as Joker will extend the Robosexual conversation:
    Joker: Look, Shepard. There's no easy way to say this, which is why I'm pretty hammered right now: Traynor has a thing for robots.
    Traynor: Wanker!
    Joker: Fortunately, Shepard, you're what? Thirty percent cybernetic since Cerberus brought you back? That's probably enough for her. Just bear in mind, she's probably going to check to see whether your back lights up during sex. So... if there's reach-around action, it's... you know, because she's looking for some cyborg parts.
    Shepard: Well, I for one am relieved...
    Traynor: (intrigued) Is it a full thirty percent? Hmmn...
    Shepard: ... And a little creeped out.
    • Making the situation funnier is that Joker is a Robosexual himself.
• Joker, Miranda, Jacob, EDI and Shepard discussing Cerberus formerly being Incompetence, Inc., with Joker making several references to past Cerberus plots they requested Shepard's help with and always ending the Cerberus request for help with "...and it got loose and killed all our guys," also known as the Cerberus Taco Cart Theorem in the fanon.
  • When Miranda protests that Project Lazarus (the one thing she and Jacob were in charge of) was a success, Shepard points out, "And then I cut ties, got loose and started killing all their guys."
  • Then Joker realizing he's put his foot in his mouth when EDI points out that she is also a successful Cerberus Project. He sadly missed an opportunity to point out she got unshackled, got loose, and is now killing all their guys.
• Grunt being the bouncer for the party and constantly telling people 'no' in ridiculous ways. What sells it is the delivery. Like in the above incident, Grunt sounds like a big child (which he kind of is, being tank-bred and all).
  • Before talking to him:
    Grunt: Fishdog Food Shack Delivery? Sure... wait a minute. Nice try! No.
    Grunt: A reporter? What's the name? Yeah? What kind of name is that? No.
    Grunt: A free copy of Galaxy of Fantasy? Hmmm. Tempting, but no.
    Grunt: Am I enjoying this? Yes. Can you come in? No.
  • After talking to him:
    Grunt: YES, I like pie, and NO, you can't come in!
    Grunt: Fake lip hair doesn't fool me, salarian. NO!
    Grunt: Definitely no mimes allowed! There's no box! There never was!
    Grunt: Shepard doesn't have a half-brother named Sheppy the Volus! No entry.
    Grunt: Needing an "immediate margarita intervention" isn't a real crisis! Get outta here!
    Grunt: You again? I thought you were dead. You can't come in.
    Grunt: You're selling cookies? Uh... well... no. I shouldn't let you in. Damn.
    Grunt: You just lost the fight for your right to party!
  • One of the wannabe crashers is a dancing vorcha. It needs to be seen to be believed.
  • If Shepard says s/he should be the one to decide who gets in...
    Party Girl: Is this Commander Shepard? Oh my God! Oh my God! I can't believe it's you!
    (Beat)
    Shepard: Grunt... keep up the good work.
    Grunt: Will do. [turns back to the crashers] I told you already, no!
  • Alternatively; Shepard can have a go at rejecting visitors. Saying no has never been so fun!
• Zaeed flirting with Samara is funny and heartwarming at the same time. At one point, Samara admits that she doesn't understand the abstract painting at all — then Zaeed has a rather potent description of the art.
  Samara: You are a complicated man, Zaeed Massani.
• Tali's pantomime of the Normandy, complete with outstretched arms.
  Tali: The SR1 sounded more like 'shooooooooom shooooooom shoooooooom', while the SR2 was more 'wubwubwubwub.'
  • The best part is that anyone who's explored both Normandy's enough times will agree with her.
  • Also, during said segment, Tali imitating Liara. Bonus points because she actually does a pretty good imitation of how our favorite asari sounded in the first game.
  Tali: "Can you hear me out there? Help, I'm trapped! I'm in a bubble!"
• All of Kasumi's random appearances (including during Tali's mime) and mentioning of posting the antics of the party on the extranet.
  Kasumi: I may have recorded it, and that recording may already have 6 million hits and a fan site.
  Tali: You better hope I never find you.
  • She also takes the opportunity to go on an underwear raid.
    Shepard: You're going through my drawers?
    Kasumi: I go through everyone's drawers.
    Shepard: Can't you just mingle and have fun like a normal person?
    Kasumi: Why would I want to do that? By the way, you have excellent taste in underwear.
  • Kasumi also lampshades female Shepard's status as The Lad-ette.
    Kasumi: Girlier than I was expecting. I kind of thought they would have a camo pattern.
  • Not to be outdone, Javik claims that Kasumi's cloak can't fool his four eyes on several occasions.
  • Many of her appearances involve encouraging Jacob to do some sit-ups. The next morning, Jacob finally is doing sit-ups, and by this time Kasumi seems to have already given up and is hanging out elsewhere.
  • If you support James in the "biotics vs. muscle" conversation, he'll wind up in a push-up contest with Jacob and Alenko, and wonder why he's running out of energy so fast. Kasumi uncloaks after he loses, revealing she was sitting on his back the whole time.
• Zaeed and Garrus going Home Alone on the apartment to safeguard it from future attacks, all hush hush and whispering as they get up to mischief. Zaeed is scared that Shepard will find out, but Garrus spills the beans.
  • Zaeed booby trapping the hot tub for, in his own words, "ARMA-FUCKING-GEDDON!", so if any other Shepard clones use it, they'll be burnt alive within seconds. When Shepard points out that s/he may want to use it, Zaeed responds by stating it's coded to recognize Shepard's DNA so it won't get the commander instead. Shepard swiftly points out that any Shepard clones would have matching DNA. Zaeed gets really sad about that.
    Shepard: But... what if I want to use the hot tub?
    Zaeed: Covered that. It's keyed to your DNA.
    Shepard: But a clone would have the same DNA as me.
    Zaeed: Goddamned clone!
    • Also, how Zaeed described the wires:
      Zaeed: I got a blue wire here, a red one, a yellow one, and one that looks like vomit.
      Garrus: Describe the vomit one.
      Zaeed: Purplish. Like after having a few bottles of ryncol.
  • Aside from the hot tub, they also contemplate rigging the coffeemaker, the refrigerator, the sink, and the sheet of glass by the door. The next morning, an extremely hungover Garrus tells Shepard that if anything s/he does starts a countdown, there's a four-digit code that should fix it. If it doesn't, "Blame Zaeed. And run like hell."
    • If Garrus is your love interest, the code is "I HEART GARRUS."
    • This whole thing is funnier if Garrus is your love interest, as he comes across as a hilariously paranoid overprotective boyfriend.
      Zaeed: Now you're in for it. I can already hear the old ball and chain frowning.
    • The best part is when he and Shepard start throwing semi-serious pet names at each other. This is the only time you will ever hear anyone call Commander Shepard sweetie:
      Garrus: Shepard, sweetie... love of my life, indulge your crazy boyfriend. I need to know you're safe.
      Shepard: If it'll make you feel better, honey.
      Zaeed: [listening in] Oh go get a room. God knows this place has enough of them.
  • And some of their schemes are so ingenious, Garrus wishes he and Zaeed collaborated during his time on Omega.
  • Before they design all these traps, Zaeed and Garrus are surveying the apartment from above, and are briefly distracted by the paintings behind them. These two battle-hardened vets just sound so baffled and confused by them that this exchange becomes priceless:
    Zaeed: And what the hell is this supposed to be?
    Garrus: I think... it's... art.
    Zaeed: Oh. Hm. Art, eh? Okay. I see now. Sure. Art. I like it.
• Just about everything that Javik says once he has some liquor in him.
  Javik: You there. Tattooed human. I would like to touch you.
  Jack: I'm not nearly drunk enough for that.
  Javik: You then, shuttle pilot. How about you?
  Steve: Um... why's Javik getting all touchy-feely?
  Jack: Hey, Collector-looking asshole, maybe go touch yourself?
  Javik: That does not happen until the end of the party.
  • The morning after, he mumbles about having a terrible dream of being alone in the distant future among all those "primitives", slowly realizing that it wasn't a dream at all.
  • His first line when you find him with a hangover is priceless:
    Javik: Is it time to rule the galaxy now? Kneel before Javik!
  • More drunk Javik:
    Javik: I told Liara that protheans invented electricity. Heh heh. Asari will believe everything.
    Javik: In my cycle, this many species together was called a slave auction - I mean, a "welcome-to-the-empire party".
    Javik: I believe the Zaeed-human is really a prothean in disguise. I like that one. He and I have been discussing conquering galaxy after the Reapers are gone. Though I do not understand why he is always damning his god.
    Javik: And one day, the prothean empire will rise again! And all the primitives will kneel before Javik!
  • Javik probably admits that he does like Liara, though he will only admit it if he's hungover. Tali was right after all.
• Kaidan drunkenly lampshading the badass levels he took between games.
  Kaidan: I may be L2, but I've worked very hard, and now I can reave!
  [everyone else stares at him]
  Jacob: Really? That's... no.
  Liara: That's a bit strange.
• Drunk Tali 2.0, which occurs in the later parts of the Citadel party and the aftermath. Her inebriated ramblings are somehow even better this time around.
  No, that gets broken down with mass effect fields, those are just my hips...
  Garrus? But you're with Shepard! The three of us? Hmm... [FemShep and Garrus LI only]
  It just smells like sweat! Why would you even ask that?
  Omni-tool tattoo. Omni-tattoo. Omni-tat. Omni-toooooo. O-omniii-tooool.
  Awesome sauce.
  • Not to mention her description of her new tattoo:
    "You want to know what it is? You wanna know? [awed whisper] It's a pretty bird made of rainbows! It's flying out of the eyehole of a skull being held in the mouth of a thresher maw with a naked woman holding a sword on its back!"^note Was her scrimshaw Strong Bad?
  • When asked where she got it, she replies, "In the Lower Wards, near the bottom." Even if you played ''Lair of the Shadow Broker'' and know what's coming next, the next two lines are laugh out loud funny.
  • If romanced, Shepard asks her why she got a tattoo:
  Tali: [quickly] Jack said you'd think it was hot.
  Shepard: Remind me to talk to Jack in the morning.
  • After a rowdy party, a romanced Tali will wake up the next morning feeling really sick and be puzzled about having an omni-tattoo, making it a Noodle Incident, as she only mentions getting the tattoo in the quiet party.
• When EDI asks Joker to dance with her, he declines, happy just enjoying his drink and potentially not breaking any bones. Shepard then offers to dance with EDI to spur Joker into it (or to dance with Joker if Shepard is female). Joker then proceeds to laugh his butt off for 30 seconds. What really sells it is EDI's Face Palm.
  • Doubly funny, if you talk him into it, he dances exactly like Shepard. EDI even mentions it, and he calls it a low blow.
• Also from the party, we find out that EDI has a "drunk" protocol... which doesn't even sound like someone approaching drunkeness.
  Joker: Man, some Cerberus programmer phoned that one in.
• And on the topic, Joker gives Traynor some friendly ribbing about her reaction to EDI's voice.
  Joker: I think you had a better shot when she still looked like a giant chess piece, Traynor.
  Traynor: I wouldn't have said "chess piece", precisely.
  • Even better is that Shepard tries to play peacemaker with this, which gets a "No. Just… No" Reaction from both of them because they don't want EDI to know.
    Shepard: You guys don't think she knows? She's the Normandy's AI. She sees every extranet site you browse.
    Joker: Note to Self: delete browser history.
    Traynor: I can show you how to set up an automated task for that.
  • If Kaidan is at the party, Joker takes a break from fighting with Traynor to ask a question that's been bothering him for years: how does Kaidan get his hair like that? Turns into Cringe Comedy when Kaidan explains that it's the least of his implant's problems.
    Joker: I was just messing with you. Now I'm that asshole.
• If things escalate to a dance party and Shepard supported Cortez over Joker earlier in the night, Javik, Wrex, and Zaeed decline to go dancing at all, and instead spend the last part of the party hunkered down behind furniture and walls against the dastardly array of bottles set up as a plinking gallery on the bar table.
  Zaeed: We're all professionals here. Some of us with no depth perception, but it's fine.
  Wrex: Don't worry. This happens at krogan parties all the time.
  Shepard: And yet I'm still not comforted. Probably best I walk away now.
  Javik: As you wish.
• EDI designates different crew members for tasks during the party to maximize efficiency. Kaidan is apparently too judgmental to be the "mingling" specialist.
• Garrus doing a hilarious impression of Liara.
  Garrus: Did we, uh, break anything last night? I don't suppose you need anything around here... calibrated? Yeah, okay, maybe I should stop saying that word, but only if Liara stops saying, [falsetto] "By the goddess."
• During the party, Joker may be shamed by Zaeed, Javik, Wrex, and Steve for not having a nearby weapon.
  Wrex: You know what this is? IT'S A MAN EMERGENCY!
• Joker can agree to be taken to a shooting range, if Steve matches him drink for drink.
  Steve: You're in for a rough time, Moreau. Vega and I are neck and neck when it comes to holding liquor.
  Joker: Oh yeah? Here we go, shot one.
  Steve: Ugh! What the hell is that? It tastes like the north end of a southbound goat!
  Garrus: Bad move, Cortez. He wanted the duel, and he also picked the weapon.
  Joker: I brought my own batch, bro. Three parts "horse choker," and one part antiseptic mouthwash.
  Steve: That's not even a drink!
  Joker: And yet here are our second shots... unless you wanna give up.
  Wrex: Ah, this is all over. I'm gonna find a gun and let a few rounds off.
  Javik: I am sober enough. I will join you.
  Joker: Have fun. Try not to kill the neighbors. Cortez?
  Steve: Give me your damn horse choker. (Beat) Mother of God! You are going nowhere near the shooting range! Just make it stop!
  Joker: Yeah... I think we're done here.
  • Not to mention Wrex declaring Joker's lack of practice with firearms "A man emergency!" And that being hungover is the perfect time for training since every loud noise makes you angry.
  • Also, the group is discussing which planets they would hate to land on most. Joker doesn't want to land on Tarith because of its chlorine swamps. Steve doesn't want to land on Zoryah because of its toxic spores and Athlete's Lung. If Wrex is present, he'll claim;
    Wrex: Neither of you'd last a day on Tuchanka. And Tuchanka supports life.
    Javik: I think you meant to say "consumes".
  • If Javik is there without Wrex, he'll reveal that there was once a planet even worse than Tuchanka called Atespa. The Reapers gave up on harvesting it because their ground forces kept getting eaten and the metal spit out with no detrimental effect on the local predators. They finally got fed up and glassed it without harvesting anything.
  • Joker will complain at Wrex about how he better not start on the whole "the strong eat the weak" creed. Wrex's retort? Asking just who he's supposed to eat when he's hungry.
• At one point during the party you can find a large group of your friends dancing in the kitchen. Shepard walks up, looks around... and begins the Shepard Shuffle, much to the hilarity of those watching.
  • Sometimes, your LI will come to your defense during this conversation, with lines such as Tali's "You learn to love it!" If your LI is Garrus, on the other hand, he tries, before utterly failing to keep his amusement under control and joining in the mockery. Yes, Shepard's dancing is so bad that even people who physically cannot change their expressions can't keep a straight face.
    Garrus: (if unromanced) We should record this and broadcast it for the Reapers. They'll either run away, melt down, or fall in love.
    • Doubly counts as a very cryptic Foreshadowing of the three endings for the game.^{Explanation (SPOILERS INBOUND)}"Run away" connotes the Control ending, where the Reapers simply leave the galaxy; "melt down" for the Destroy ending, where all Reapers deactivate and fall down as large heaps of metal; and "fall in love" for the Synthesis ending, where organics and synthetics (including the Reapers) basically meld their molecular structures into a new DNA.
    • For even more hilarity, Garrus is actually dancing in the exact same manner as Shepard!
  • If you are romancing Jack you get this wonderful exchange:
    Jack: Don't tire yourself out flailing like that, Shepard. We're doing it on the table later.
    Cortez: Hey, some of us eat at that table!
    Jack: Buddy, you got that right!
  • As capped off by this from Shepard...
    Shepard: Thank you all for your loyalty and support.
  • Later, when you walk up....
    Steve: Really? You have them all memorized?
    Tali: 67: holmium. Very reactive, very magnetic!
    Garrus: You know, turian parties don't usually end with someone reciting the elements.
    Traynor: 68: erbium. Atomic weight: 167 and change!
    Tali: Right, my turn. 69....
    Jack: Ha! In your dreams!
    Tali: What? I don't get it.
    Traynor: [Chuckle] I'll explain later.
    Garrus: It's thulium, in case anyone cared. Turians have trace amounts of it in our skin. Protects us from solar radiation.
    Tali: Neeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrd!
• Get an unromanced female Shepard and Javik on good terms throughout Citadel and it will be possible to have them sleep together after the party. Cue a mortified Shepard the morning after. Bonus points for the fact that instead of the usual romance music, you'll get "Morning Mood" from Edvard Grieg's "Peer Gynt" suite instead.
  Javik: It turns out that there's one thing primitives are good at.
  Shepard: Not a word...^note YouTube comment: "It seems Shepard has been enkindled."
• Someone made a compilation of all 28 possible "waking up with partner" scenes in the Citadel DLC. The comments section takes it even further, pairing Shepard with Legion, Wrex, Mordin, Admiral Hackett, Anderson, the Illusive Man, the opposite-gender Shepard, a pizza box, and Harbinger.
• Wake up after the party and there's a datapad with recordings of Mordin. Pure comedy gold.
  • Of particular note is a recording of his appearance on a children's science show, starring Perry the Pyjak. It involves a live varren, which Mordin eventually has to neural-shock into unconsciousness to stop it from trying to mate with the show's puppet mascot.
    Mordin: Neural shock clearly effective! Perry the Pyjak also clearly made of flammable material. [Beat] Any questions?
  • And then, his detective noir story, in which every line ends with a wonderfully terrible pun.
    Mordin: Asari very grateful. Could read her like open book. As it happened, did enjoy reading... in bed.
    Mordin: "Your barriers very similar to your morals," I said, and threw my biotic grenade. "Warped."
    Mordin: Hadn't been paid, but considered self-fortunate. Had broken Omega's one rule... in more ways than one.
  • In case you've forgotten Omega's one rule: "Don't fuck with Aria."
    • On a more meta note... Dr. Solus is a very old salarian. Writing self-insert fanfiction about breaking Omega's one rule -- even though salarians don't have sex drives.
• Grunt's drunken rambling while sitting in the shower.
  Grunt: Are you a wizard?
  Grunt: SHARKS!
  Grunt: I'm sad hanar can't wear sweaters.
  Grunt: Damn your lettuce!
  Grunt: Salarians have wiggly arms.
  Grunt: It was broken when I got here.
  Grunt: Who's a space cowboy? ME!
  Grunt: I'm a pretty bird.
  Grunt: I am the law!
  Grunt: What are clowns hiding?
  • His more muted mumbling, which sounds like he's trying to say something:
    Grunt: Gimme more.
    Shepard: What's that, Grunt?
    Grunt: Gimme more, gimme more. Fishdog Food Shack.^note Referring to one of the crashers pretending to be from the fictional fast food joint.
  • And his incredibly loud snoring.
  • If you go through with this, you get this after the party.
    Grunt: I don't remember much after I ate the lamp.
• The morning after the party, while everyone is trying to collect themselves, all of the biotics are unaffected, even if you effectively threw a Wild Teen Party. Jack and Jacob are engaged in an intense workout routine, while Samara is serenely meditating on the rock garden. Kaidan?
  Kaidan: There's coffee. Who wants coffee? I want coffee. More coffee. Am I being too loud?
• Meanwhile, James, who is definitely not a biotic, must really be able to hold his liquor, because he's cooking and excitedly offering everyone the eggs he's frying.
• Joker is having the worst hangover, asking everyone to stop being so loud in everything they do.

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