Funny / Doctor Who Series 2

"The Christmas Invasion"

• The newly-regenerated Tenth Doctor's introduction to Jackie and Mickey:
  The Doctor: There was something I had to tell you, something important. What was it? Hold on, hold on. Shh shh. Oh! I know! Merry Christmas! [collapses]
  • Noel Clarke is visibly struggling not to burst out laughing from the moment the Doctor exits the TARDIS to the moment he falls over.
• The first Sycorax message, as translated by the British government: "People, you belong to us. To the Sycorax. We own you. We now possess your land, your minerals, your precious stones. You will surrender or they will die. Sycorax strong, Sycorax mighty, Sycorax rock!" And no, it's not grammatically incorrect English mangled by an imperfect translation, it's "rock" in the modern sense of the word.
  • Yes, folks, the Sycorax know 2005 slang!
• With the unconscious Doctor tucked up in bed, Rose listens and both hearts seem to be beating normally. This is the first that Jackie hears about the Doctor having two hearts.
  Jackie: Anything else he's got two of?
  Rose: Leave him alone!
  • Jackie's making as if to have a peek under the bed covers. It's funnier if you also imagine the Doctor as being just conscious enough to realize what she's doing.
• While Rose and Mickey are out, Jackie's talking on the phone to one of her friends and walking round the flat. This happens:
  Jackie: No, darling, don't come round. Flat's all topsy-turvy. [entering Rose's room] Yeah, she just barges in and litters the place... [looking at the unconscious Doctor as she says this, she then walks out]
• While the Doctor is sleeping, the Spinning Christmas Tree of Death. As it breaks into Rose's room, Jackie wails (in a very high-pitched, squeaky voice) "I'm gonna get killed by a Christmas tree!" This is all happening while the tree plays a cheerful version of "Jingle Bells".
• Rose's mum trying to help the Doctor just after he's collapsed.
  The Doctor: I'm having a neuron implosion. I need–
  Jackie: [maniacally] What do you need? Just say it. Tell me tell me tell me. Painkillers? Do you need aspirin? Is it codeine? Paracetamol? I dunno, Pepto-Bismol? Liquid paraffin? Vitamin C, vitamin D, vitamin E? Is it food? Something simple! Bowl of soup, nice bowl of soup, soup and a sandwich, ooh, soup and a little ham sandwich?
  The Doctor: I need you to shut up.
  Jackie: Oh, well he hasn't changed that much has he?
  • Made better by the fact that later it turns out all he needed was a cup of tea.
• The Doctor is starting to feel the effects of regeneration sickness again after scaring off the Robot Santas, everything's serious, and then...
  The Doctor: Why is there an apple in my dressing gown?
• During the night, Jackie falls asleep while watching the Doctor, with her head on Rose's bed. Given the way those two get on when they're awake, there's something inherently hilarious about it, it's almost a Sleep Cute.
• Before Harriet Jones makes her appeal to the Doctor, asking him for help, she asks about the royal family. The answer? They're on the roof.
• "Harriet Jones, Prime Minister." Proving that yes, even bloodthirsty aliens know who she is.
• In the deleted scenes, when the Doctor meets Harriet Jones and tries to congratulate her on winning her election as Prime Minister, he attempts to emulate his "Fantastic!" catchphrase, but finds it just doesn't sound right coming out of him now, and awkwardly attempting to find other replacement single-word catchphrases while Rose, Mickey, Harriet, and the Sycorax stare at him waiting for him to get on with it.
• Rose attempting to channel the Doctor after the Sycoroax leader declares her to be the one who speaks for the Earth. This involves spouting out the names of the random alien species she's encountered.
  Rose: I, um... I address the Sycorax according to... article fifteen of the Shadow Proclamation. I command you to leave this world with all the authority of the Slitheen Parliament of Raxacoricofallapatorius, and um... the Gelth Confederacy...[The Sycorax Leader begins to stride towards her] A... as uh... sanctioned... by the Mighty Jagrafess... and... Oh, the Daleks! Now, leave this planet in peace! In peace...
  [there's a few seconds of silence, then all the Sycorax burst out laughing]
  • The Sycorax leader goes on another tirade. Midway through, his ranting suddenly switches from his native tongue to English, which Rose realizes means that they have a reliable Doctor again. Alex, who's doing a live interpreting of the leader's words, is baffled when the switch happens.
    Sycorax Leader: [in Sycoraxic; being translated by Alex] Did you think you were clever with your stolen words? We are the Sycorax. We bestride the darkness. [he hisses at Rose, who whimpers] Next to us you are but a wailing child. If you are the best your planet can offer as a champion... [begins speaking English, Alex still reading out his words at the same time] then your world will be gutted and your people enslaved.
    Alex: ..."and your people enslaved". Hold on, that's English.
    Harriet Jones: He's talking English.
    Rose: You're talking English.
    Sycorax Leader: I would never dirty my tongue with your primitive bile!
    Rose: [points at him] That's English. [she turns to Harriet, Mickey and Alex] Can you hear English? [they all nod]
    Mickey: Yeah, that's English.
    Alex: Definitely English.
    Sycorax Leader: [angrily] I speak only Sycoraxic!
    Rose: If I can hear English... then it's being translated. Which means it's working. Which means... [as if on cue, the Doctor emerges from the TARDIS, standing smiling in his pajamas and dressing gown]
    The Doctor: Did you miss me?
• The Doctor takes over the negotiations:
  Sycorax Leader: [bellows at the Doctor] I DEMAND TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
  The Doctor: [bellows back in imitation] I DON'T KNOW! [beat] See, that's the thing. I'm the Doctor, but beyond that, I.. I just don't know. I literally do not know who I am. It's all untested. Am I funny? Am I sarcastic? Sexy? [winks at Rose, who looks away, embarrassed but smiling] Right old misery? Life and soul? Right-handed? Left-handed? A gambler? A fighter? A coward? A traitor or a liar? A nervous wreck? I mean, judging by the evidence, I've certainly got a gob.
• "Am I... ginger?"
  • "Aww, I wanted to be ginger! I've never been ginger." The Doctor sounds like a kid who didn't get the toy he wanted for Christmas.
• The Doctor snaps the staff of the Sycorax and then makes a "You just can't get the staff these days" pun. Yes, folks, apparently the puns aren't just Twelve; it's the Doctor in general. Just imagine how annoyed Borusa must have been by him!
• The Doctor, in the middle of a Patrick Stewart Speech, suddenly starts speaking the lyrics to "Circle of Life":
  The Doctor: But why? Look at these people, these human beings. Consider their potential! From the day they arrive on the planet, and blinking, step into the sun; there is more to see than can ever be seen... more to do than– No, hold on... [pause] Sorry, that's The Lion King.
• The Doctor and his dangerous ramblings.
  The Doctor: Which leaves us with a great big stinking problem. Because, I really don't know who I am. I don't know when to stop. So, if I see a great big threatening button which should never ever EVER be pressed, then I just want to do this. [presses the button, releasing the blood-controlled people]
• When the Doctor and the Sycorax leader are about to face off.
  The Doctor: Now, are you going to do this? Or are you just a [phrase in an alien language - apparently Cassa Cree Salvack - that is so vulgar that the TARDIS refuses to translate it into a language humans can understand, and somehow manages to piss the Sycorax off]?
• The Doctor has time for snarking even in mid-combat.
  Rose: Look out!
  The Doctor: [scrambling backwards] Oh yeah, that helps! I wouldn't have thought of that otherwise, thanks!
• The Doctor describing his new hand.
  The Doctor: [in a Texan accent] It's a fightin' hand!
• Paying the leader back for his backstabbing attempt by throwing the satsuma at a release button.
• After the Doctor has saved the Earth via swordfight and the spaceship leaves and everything:
  Alex: It's a message from Torchwood. They say they're ready.
  [Harriet gives the most blank face ever, shuts her eyes in annoyance, and turns away]
• How does the first Christmas Special of Doctor Who end? With a genocide! How lovely(!).
• What makes 10 decide to settle on his new outfit? He moves in front of the mirror and sees that his long brown coat flaps behind him - perfect for running and making one hell of an entrance - and decides "yep, I have my outfit" and sticks with it.
• The downright giddy expression the Doctor has when greeting Mickey on the Sycorax ship.
  "MICKEY! Hello! :D"

"New Earth"

• In Cassandra's first scene, she says, while watching Rose, "at last I can be revenged on that little–" but before she can finish, the scene cuts to Rose saying "Bit rich, coming from you" as she and the Doctor enter the hospital. It makes sense if you say it fast.
• To get to Ward 26, the Doctor and Rose enter separate lifts, which drench each of them in a disinfectant liquid then blow-drys them. The Doctor is completely blasé about it, even taking the time to smooth out his hair, while Rose immediately freaks out (Billie Piper didn't know she was going to be hit with water, and Russell T Davies decided her reaction was too funny to cut it).
• Cassandra uses the psychograft to insert herself into Rose's body. Upon completion of the process, she gets up, looks at a mirror, and takes a long look at the merchandise:
  Rose!Cassandra: Oh my God, I'm a chav!
  • But she quickly warms to the new lodgings. One can quickly see why exactly Billie Piper wanted an episode where she got to be funny:
    Rose!Cassandra: Look at me! From class to brass! Although... [she unzips her jacket slightly and runs her hands over her body] Oh... curves. [she bounces up and down, Chip following suit] Oh, baby! It's like living inside a bouncy castle!
    Chip: The mistress is beautiful!
    Rose!Cassandra: Absolutement! Oh, but look... [her eye is caught by her old frame, which is empty]
    Chip: [sad surprise] Oh...! The brain mate expired. My old mistress is gone.
    Rose!Cassandra: [taps her head] But safe and sound in here.
    Chip: What of the Rose child's mind?
    Rose!Cassandra: Oh... tucked away. I can just about access the surface memory, she's... [she pauses as she analyzes] Gosh... she's with the Doctor... a man... he's the Doctor... [makes a disgusted face as she realizes] ...the same Doctor, with a new FACE! That HYPOCRITE! I must get the name of his surgeon! [she turns on her heel to look in the mirror again] I could do with a little work. Although... [she runs her hand over her bum] Nice rear bumper. Hmm! [she smiles, Rose's phone rings] Oh... it seems to be ringing. Is it meant to ring? [she pulls her phone out of her back pocket and stares at it]
    Chip: A primitive communications device.
  • Cassandra, about to answer Rose's phone, asks Chip how she speaks...^note Billie Piper uses her Renounced Pronunciation dialect when Cassandra is in Rose's body, instead of the working-class Londoner accent Rose normally has.
    Rose!Cassandra: How does she speak?
    Chip: Old Earth Cockney.
  • ...which she totally botches.
    Rose!Cassandra: I will proceed up the apples and pears.
    The Doctor: What– what's with the voice?
• Not even five minutes after being dumped into a 20-year-old woman's body full of hormones, Cassandra-in-Rose can't resist grabbing the Doctor for a snog, even though she hates him and wants to kill him nastily. Ten's reaction is what further sells it.
  The Doctor: Yeah, still got it.
  • It's not the line so much as the delivery. The first word comes out as a sort of squeak, like he's trying to quip while still recovering from the Post-Kiss Catatonia.
• In general, Lady Cassandra as Rose and the Doctor, with much Showing Off the New Body and hammy overacting.
• Cassandra-in-Rose's first attempt to blackmail the Sisters. Being in Rose's body makes all the difference:
  Sister Jatt: Anything we can do to help?
  Rose!Cassandra: Straight to the point, Whiskers... I want money.
  Matron Casp: The Sisterhood is a charity. We don't give money. We only... accept.
  Rose!Cassandra: The humans across the water pay you a fortune. And that's exactly what I need. A one-off payment. That's all I want... oh, and perhaps a yacht. In return for which, I shall tell the city nothing of your institutional murder. Is that a deal?
• Midway through the chase as the diseased patients pursue them, the Doctor and Cassandra!Rose manage to shake them off for a bit. The Doctor takes advantage of the lull to threaten Cassandra into leaving Rose's body. Cassandra obliges... by abruptly transferring herself into the Doctor. The result is David Tennant acting like a campy Austin Powers as Cassandra samples his body, and Billie Piper is biting her lip trying not to break out laughing◊.
  Rose: Blimey, my head! [looks around for Cassandra] Where'd she go?
  Doctor!Cassandra: Ooh, my! This is...different.
  Rose: ...Cassandra?
  Doctor!Cassandra: Goodness me, I'm a man! Yum! So many parts ... and hardly used! [He begins shaking like there's an invisible hula-hoop, as she discovers the Doctor's binary vascular system] Ah! Ah, two hearts! Oh baby, I'm beating out a samba!
  Rose: Get out of him!
  Doctor!Cassandra: [looks at his body] Oooh, he's slim. [lifts his eyebrows] And a little bit foxy! [He advances on Rose] You've thought so too. I've been inside your head. You've been looking. You like it!
  • At that point, the clones burst into the room.
    Doctor!Cassandra: What do we do?! [taps Rose's shoulder frantically] What would he do?! The Doctor, what the hell would he do?!
    Rose: Ladder. We've got to get up!
    Doctor!Cassandra: [shoves Rose aside to climb the ladder] Out of the way, blondie!
  • While on the ladder, Rose tries to get Cassandra to jump back into her so the Doctor can think of a plan. During this time, Cassandra shows off her casual Fantastic Racism.
    Rose: If you get out of the Doctor's body, he can think of something.
    Doctor!Cassandra: Yap yap yap... God, it was tedious inside your head. Hormone City.
    Rose: We're gonna die if– [screams as Matron Casp, who doesn't know that Cassandra's no longer in her, grabs her ankle] Get off!
    Matron Casp: All our good work! All that healing! [Doctor!Cassandra rolls her eyes] The good name of the Sisterhood... you have destroyed everything!
    Doctor!Cassandra: Go and play with a ball of string!
• At the top of the ladder, they find the lift doors are sealed. The Doctor's sonic screwdriver can break the seals, but Cassandra doesn't know how to use it, so what happens is the Doctor and Rose bouncing Cassandra back and forth to the other's body like a game of Hot Potato.
  Doctor!Cassandra: Now what do we do?
  Rose: Use the sonic screwdriver. [Doctor!Cassandra takes it out of her pocket between her thumb and forefinger with her nose wrinkled]
  Doctor!Cassandra: You mean this thing?
  Rose: Yes, I mean that thing!
  Doctor!Cassandra: Well, I don't know how... that Doctor's hidden away all his thoughts.
  Rose: Cassandra, go back into me... the Doctor can open it. Do it!
  Doctor!Cassandra: Hold on tight.
  [Cassandra leaps back into Rose]
  Rose!Cassandra: Oh... oh, chavtastic again. Open it!
  The Doctor: [points his sonic screwdriver at her] Not 'til you get out of her.
  Rose!Cassandra: We need the Doctor.
  The Doctor: I ORDER YOU TO LEAVE HER!
  [Cassandra leaps back into the Doctor]
  Doctor!Cassandra: No matter how difficult the situation, there is no need to shout.
  Rose: Cassandra, get out of him!
  Doctor!Cassandra: But I can't go into you, he simply refuses... he's so rude.
  Rose: I don't care. Just do something!
  Doctor!Cassandra: [disgusted, reluctant] Oh, I am so gonna regret this... [Cassandra leaps from the Doctor's body into the body of one of the diseased women climbing up the ladder]
  Patient!Cassandra: Oh, sweet Lord! I look disgusting!
  [The Doctor opens the lift doors and holds out a hand to Rose]
  The Doctor: Nice to have you back.
  Patient!Cassandra: No you don't... [she leaps back into Rose]
  The Doctor: [sealing the doors] That was your last warning, Cassandra!
• The Doctor and Rose!Cassandra enter Ward 26, only to encounter Frau Clovis charging at them screaming and brandishing a stool as a weapon.
  • To escape this room, the Doctor and Rose!Cassandra must fast-rope down the lift shaft.
    Rose!Cassandra: The lifts aren't working.
    [The Doctor peers down the shaft]
    The Doctor: Not moving. Different thing. [steps right back, ready for a running jump] Here we go. [sticks the sonic screwdriver between his teeth and runs]
    Rose!Cassandra: But you're not going to... [he jumps into the middle of the shaft and clings onto the cable] What do you think you're doing?!
    The Doctor: I'm going down! [fixes up the winch with the sonic screwdriver as Rose!Cassandra looks away, exasperated] Come on!
    Rose!Cassandra: Not in a million years.
    The Doctor: I need another pair of hands. What do you think? If you're so desperate to stay alive... why don't you live a little? [more patients emerge from the quarantine]
    Frau Clovis: Seal the door!
    [the doors close, leaving Rose!Cassandra trapped with the zombies and no choice but to jump into the lift shaft and onto the Doctor's back with a regretful moan]
    Rose!Cassandra: You're completely mad. I can see why she likes you.
    The Doctor: Going down!
    [they zip down the shaft, screaming, and straighten themselves out when they hit the bottom]
    Rose!Cassandra: Well, that's one way to lose weight.
• Cassandra's opinions of the Face of Boe:
  Rose!Cassandra: Oh, I hate telepathy. Just what I need, a head full of big face.
• Cassandra isn't exactly overjoyed when she takes over Chip's body.
  Chip!Cassandra: Oh sweet Lord, I'm a walking doodle.

"Tooth and Claw"

• The Doctor and Rose are introduced in the TARDIS preparing to go to their intended destination, an Ian Dury and The Blockheads concert.
  Rose: What do you think of this? Will it do? [shows off her rather short dungaree skirt over a pink t-shirt]
  The Doctor: In the late 1970s? You'd be better off in a bin bag. Hold on, listen to this. [he hits a button and "Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick" comes on; the Doctor resumes wandering around the controls] Ian Dury and the Blockheads. Number One in 1979.
  Rose: [laughs] You're a punk!
  The Doctor: [singing along] "It's good to be a lunatic..."
  Rose: ...That's what you are, a– a big old punk! With a bit of... rockabilly thrown in.
  The Doctor: Would you like to see him?
  Rose: How do you mean, in concert?
  The Doctor: What else is the TARDIS for! [as they speak, the two are doing a funky little dance around the console] I can take you to the Battle of Trafalgar, the first anti-gravity Olympics, Caesar crossing the Rubicon... or... Ian Dury at the Top Rank, Sheffield, England, Earth, 21st November, 1979. What do you think?
  Rose: [smiles awkwardly] Sheffield it is?
  The Doctor: Hold on tight.
  • During the subsequent journey through the Vortex, we see the Doctor pounding the console with a hammer to the beat of the music. When they land, he and Rose are knocked to the floor, laughing their heads off. When they leap to their feet, the bloopers show that David Tennant had trouble hoisting Billie Piper to her feet without botching it.
• The Doctor and Rose land, step out of the TARDIS… and promptly walk straight into Scottish soldiers with guns:
  The Doctor: 1979. Hell of a year! [he pulls Rose to her feet and they bound towards the doors; he grabs his coat] China invades Vietnam... The Muppet Movie! Love that film. [grimaces] Margaret Thatcher... urgh… Skylab falls to Earth. With a little help from me, nearly took off my thumb. [steps out of the TARDIS] And I like my thumb. I need my thumb. I'm very attached to... [runs smack dab into the Scottish soldiers escorting Queen Victoria's carriage, who all train their guns on him and Rose] ...my thumb.
  [the Doctor and Rose slowly raise their hands as they process the soldiers and the surrounding Scottish highlands]
  The Doctor: ...1879. Same difference.
  Captain Reynolds: You will explain your presence, and the nakedness of this girl.
  Rose: [looks down at her short sleeve T-shirt and denim miniskirt with a confused expression]
  The Doctor: [incredulous, with a perfect Scottish accent] Are we in Scotland?
  Captain Reynolds: How can you be ignorant of that?
  The Doctor: Oh, I'm—I'm dazed and confused. I've been chasing this... this wee-naked child over hill and over dale. Isn't that right, ya... tim'rous beastie?
  Rose: Uh, uh... [tries to imitate a Scottish accent, which sounds more...Canadian] och aye! I've been...oot and aboot!
  The Doctor: [in his normal Estuary English] No, don't do that.
  Rose: [indignantly] Hoots, mon!
  The Doctor: [now looking pained] No, really don't. Really.
  Captain Reynolds: Will you identify yourself, sir?
  The Doctor: [back to the Scottish accent] I'm Dr. James McCrimmon, from the... township of Balamory. [Rose can't help but let out an amused smile at the Doctor using such an obviously fake town name] Eh, I have my credentials, if I may... [He gestures towards his pocket. Reynolds nods. Rose smiles as the Doctor fumbles in his pocket, produces the psychic paper and shows it] As you can see, a Doctorate from the University of Edinburgh. I trained under Dr. Bell himself.
  • It becomes a thousand times funnier when you are aware that David Tennant is actually Scottish, although the Scottish accent he was doing wasn't his actual accent (which lends itself to some meta humour, if you think about it).
  • Victoria interrupts this exchange to ask that the Doctor and Rose be brought before her. Rose curtseys and apologizes for her "nakedness":
    The Doctor: Rose... might I introduce her Majesty Queen Victoria. Empress of India and Defender of the Faith.
    Rose: [curtseys] Rose Tyler, Ma'am. And my apologies... for being so naked. [laughs nervously]
    Victoria: I've had five daughters. It's nothing to me.
• Rose spends the entire episode trying to get Queen Victoria to say that "we are not amused", even getting the Doctor to do a Side Bet with her. You can see the Queen think it several times before she says it:
  Rose: It's funny though, 'cos you say "assassination" and you just think of Kennedy and stuff. Not her.
  The Doctor: 1879... she's had... oo... six attempts on her life? And, I'll tell you something else: We just met Queen Victoria!
  Rose: [laughs] Oh, I know!
  The Doctor: What a laugh!
  Rose: She was just sitting there!
  The Doctor: Like a stamp!
  Rose: I want her to say [imitating Queen Victoria] "we are not amused". I bet you five quid I can make her say it.
  The Doctor: Well, if I gambled on that it would be an abuse of my privilege as a traveller in time.
  Rose: Ten quid?
  The Doctor: Done.
  • Between Victoria's royal guard calling Rose "naked" and her terrible attempt at a Scottish accent, the Doctor pretends that she's mentally ill when they're being received by Sir Robert:
    Queen Victoria: Now, shall we go inside? And please excuse the naked girl.
    Rose: [smiles] Sorry.
    The Doctor: She's a... feral child. I bought her for sixpence in ole London Town. It was her or the Elephant Man, so... [shrugs]
    Rose: He thinks he's funny but I'm so not amused. [looks pointedly at Queen Victoria] What do you think, Ma'am?
    Queen Victoria: It hardly matters. [to Sir Robert] Shall we proceed?
    Rose: [to the Doctor; muttering] So close....
  • This continues after they're shown the telescope in the observatory...
    The Doctor: How many prisms has it got? Way too many. The magnification's gone right over the top, that's stupid kind of a... [Quietly, to Rose] Am I being rude again?
    Rose: Yep.
    The Doctor: [quickly] But it's pretty! It's very... pretty. [Rose pats him fondly on the arm]
    Queen Victoria: And the imagination of it should be applauded.
    Rose: Mm! Thought you might disapprove, Your Majesty. Stargazing. Isn't that a bit fanciful? [Queen Victoria stares at her.] You could easily... not be amused, or something...? No?
  • ...then Father Angelo interrupts their discussion to suggest everyone get changed for dinner:
    Father Angelo: Excuse me, sir. Perhaps her Majesty's party could repair to their rooms. It's almost dark.
    Sir Robert: [hesitantly] Of course. Yes, of course.
    Queen Victoria: And then supper. And... could we find some clothes for Miss Tyler? [to Rose] I'm tired of nakedness.
    Rose: [grins] It's not amusing! Is it? [Queen Victoria glances around at her and decides to ignore this comment and turns back to Sir Robert. As she has her back turned, the Doctor playfully appears to squeeze Rose's bum and whispers something to Rose. She pokes him in the chest]
• Queen Victoria's utterly horrified expression when the Doctor and Rose hug.
  Rose: I'll tell you what, though...
  The Doctor: What?
  Rose: Werewolf...!
  The Doctor: I know!
• The Doctor needing to "break character" when he slips into his normal accent to explain the werewolf's origins:
  Queen Victoria: What, exactly...I pray, tell me, someone ,please...What exactly is that creature?
  The Doctor: You'd call it a werewolf, but technically it's a more of a lupine wavelength haemovariform.
  Queen Victoria: And should I trust you, sir? You who change your voice so easily? What happened to your accent?
  The Doctor: [makes priceless Oh, Crap! face] Oh... right, sorry...
• The Doctor and Rose study the Koh-i-Noor:
  The Doctor: That is so beautiful.
  Rose Tyler: How much is that worth?
  The Doctor: They say... the wages of the entire planet for a whole week.
  Rose Tyler: Good job my mum's not here. She'd be fighting the wolf off with her bare hands for that thing.
  The Doctor: And she'd win.
• From the deleted scenes, after the Doctor and Rose are knighted and banished by Queen Victoria:
  Rose: Sir Doctor.
  The Doctor: [loops his arm around hers] Dame Rose.
  [the Doctor and Rose stare at each other for a Beat, then they literally take off running like the fate of the world depends on it]
• Where is the TARDIS parked in this episode? In a field in the middle of literally nowhere in the back-end of beyond in Scotland.

"School Reunion"

• The Doctor teaching physics class:
  The Doctor: So ... physics! Physics, eh? Phyyyyyysics. Physics, physics, physics, physics, physics, physics! I do hope you're getting all this down.
  • Then, after Milo gets a very hard answer correct without any hesitation:
    The Doctor: Correct-a-mundo! A word I have never used before, and hopefully never will again.
    • Adding another layer to the humour, the word was later used as a stock sound for the Doctor in one of the flash games made for the series.
• The annoyed face that Rose makes while undercover as a cafeteria server when the Doctor passes her in line. She's just screaming "someone please get me out of this garb".
  • The Doctor telling Rose he was expecting the students to be more misbehaved, on their phones in class and wearing hoodies.
    "I thought they'd all be happy-slapping hoodies with ASBOs. Happy-slapping hoodies with ASBOs and ringtones."
  • On the DVD commentary for this scene, David Tennant and executive producer Julie Gardner question whether Rose really would get away with her bangs hanging down so low that her chef's hat doesn't cover them.
• The Black Comedy moment when an unfortunate oil spill accident is somehow turned into slapstick, as Rose tries to call for help.
  Kitchen helper: Whatcha doin'?
  Rose: Calling an ambulance.
  Kitchen helper: No need. She's quite all right.
  [The injured dinner lady shrieks in pain and there's an explosion with a lot of smoke]
  Kitchen helper: [stone-faced] It's fine. She does that.
• The weird bounce Rose gives when the Doctor calls them all "gang". Ah, chavs.
• Sarah Jane showing she hasn't lost even a trace of her savviness:
  Sarah Jane: I can't believe it's you. [Mickey screams nearby] Okay, now I can.
  • Basically, all of the stuff that occurs and Sarah Jane is back in to it. It has to be the Doctor... because, other than her, who else would stick their nose in to all the stuff that's occurring?
• How does Sarah Jane get in the school the first time? Simple — she did exactly what the Doctor did and walked in the front door and flattered the bad guy's ego.
• How does Sarah Jane get into the school the second time? By climbing through a window. Presumably the window was locked, which means she's either managed to pick the lock or break it from the outside...
• Rose's opinion of K9 ("a little disco"), and the Doctor's offense at it.
• The Call-Back to "The Hand of Fear", when Sarah tells the Doctor that the place where he dropped her off was not South Croydon, but Aberdeen.
  The Doctor: That's next to Croydon, isn't it?
  • Anyone who knows their way with Google Maps will know just how close he was: Croydon is in the southern London suburbs, and requires a tram to get to the London Underground. And that's in the south of England. Aberdeen is almost exactly halfway up Scotland. So he was only 919.4 kilometres^note 571.1 miles off.
• Also, when Mickey realizes that, in the pantheon of companions, he has a similar role to "the tin dog". You have to feel sorry for the little Butt-Monkey... at least until he rose to the occasion.
• This episode gives us Rose Tyler and Sarah Jane Smith trying to one-up each other with stories of the insanity that is par for the course for a companion. Sarah Jane wins.
  Sarah Jane: I saw things you wouldn't believe!
  Rose: Try me.
  Sarah Jane: Mummies.
  Rose: I've met ghosts.
  Sarah Jane: Robots. Lots of robots.
  Rose: Slitheen. In Downing Street.
  Sarah Jane: Daleks!
  Rose: [smugly] Met the Emperor.
  Sarah Jane: Anti-matter monsters!
  Rose: Gas-mask zombies!
  Sarah Jane: Real living dinosaurs!
  Rose: Real living werewolf!
  Sarah Jane: The. Loch Ness. Monster!
  Rose: [stunned] Seriously?
  • What makes the mutual one-upmanship really hilarious is Mickey's initial reaction. After two seasons of being the Butt-Monkey, he gets his revenge, and starts grinning like a maniac. Then he crows: "Oh, mate. The Missus and the Ex. Welcome to every man's worst nightmare" Which just sets the Doctor off even more.
  • It gets better when they both gang up on the Doctor, too. Sarah Jane asks if he still strokes parts of the TARDIS, and Rose giggles and says she sometimes feels like asking if they want to be alone. By the time they're done, Sarah Jane and Rose are laughing at him, and he's got no idea what's going on. This gets even more hilarious after watching "The Doctor's Wife". Sexy, indeed.
    • The fact that, if you look closely enough, Sarah Jane's face is crinkled in disgust at the thought of him stroking bits of the TARDIS. Apparently it still creeps her out.
  • Behind the scenes, during the scene in which Rose and Sarah are laughing at the Doctor, David Tennant actually wore a fake mustache off-screen without either actress knowing, hence the reason why Sarah and Rose are laughing their asses off like mad.
• The Doctor testing his theory about what the chips were doing to the students: randomly ask Rose after she ate some of the chips.
  The Doctor: What's fifty-nine times thirty-five?
  Rose: Two thousand sixty-five.
• K9 repeatedly saying "We are in a car" when Mickey's trying to figure out how to get into the school. It takes a few tries, but Mickey has this epic face when he finally gets what K9 is trying to say.
  • The fact that Mickey gets K9 to work by slamming a fist onto his head.
    • After getting into the school, Mickey tries to figure out how to disconnect the students' headsets from the supercomputer... only to notice that the whole contraption is connected to a single plug. He shrugs and effortlessly unplugs the whole system.
• Mr. Finch telling his brothers to "Forget the shooty dog thing!" When K9 catches them in the kitchen and is preparing to shoot the container of Krillitane oil, Mr. Finch can only say "You bad dog!" K9 replies "Affirmative!" with a smug little wag of his tail. Also a CMoA.
  • K9 sounds snarky at that moment. Why is this funny, you ask? 'Cause he's a robot dog. He doesn't have emotions, let alone be able to know how to be snarky. One has to wonder if Four, who originally built this particular K9 model, had something to do with that; you can just imagine Four installing a "Sarcasm Mode".
• "Oh my God. KENNY BLEW UP THE SCHOOL! IT WAS KENNY!" Cue the students cheering Kenny.
• From the deleted scenes, right before Mr. Finch summons his fellow brothers to begin the final phase, they're actively having lunch in their breakroom. Mr. Wagner apparently is going "organic", and the Krillitanes ate an OFSTED inspector who was getting suspicious of them.
  Kitchen helper: [offering a rat to Mr. Wagner] Rat?
  Mr. Wagner: No thanks. I'm trying to cut down on processed stuff. I've gone organic. [he's got live insects in a paper bag]
  Kitchen helper: I don't blame you. I'm gettin' sick of this. [sits down] Is there any of that kid left from yesterday?
  Mr. Wagner: No. But check the fridge. I think there's a bit of that OFSTED inspector behind my yakult.
• Once again, the Doctor has parked the TARDIS in a cupboard. Apparently making TARDIS-sized cupboards is becoming the norm now...

"The Girl in the Fireplace"

• As Mickey is getting his first view out the window of his very first spaceship,
  Rose: Mickey Smith; meet the universe. See anything you like?
  Mickey: [giddily] It's so realistic!
• When they arrive, the Doctor assures them that there's no one there. Well, nothing dangerous. Well, not that dangerous. Then he decides to do a scan. Just in case there's anything dangerous.
• This:
  The Doctor: It's a spatial-temporal hyperlink.
  Mickey: A what?
  The Doctor: No idea, made it up. Didn't want to say "magic door".
• Reinette to the Doctor: "It is customary, I think, to have an imaginary friend only during one's childhood. You are to be congratulated on your persistence." Also, she calls the Doctor's lack of aging "tremendously impolite".
• Whoever played that servant (Gareth Wyn Griffiths) deserves a special mention. He only has the one line, but he knocks it out of the park.
  The Doctor: No! No, no, no, no way! Reinette Poisson? Later Madame d'Étoiles, later still mistress to Louis XV, uncrowned queen of France? Actress, artist, musician, dancer, courtesan... fantastic gardener!
  Servant: Who the HELL are you?!
  The Doctor: I'm the Doctor, and I just snogged Madame de Pompadour! [hip-bumps the secret doorway open and rides it out of the room, cackling]
• Rose getting a crash course in Altar Diplomacy.
  Rose Tyler: [sarcastically] The Queen must've loved her.
  The Doctor: Oh, she did. They got on very well.
  Mickey Smith: The King's wife and the King's girlfriend?
  The Doctor: France. It's a different planet.
• The shot of the Doctor walking down a hallway in the spaceship with the horse following him, which he's clearly annoyed at.
  The Doctor: Will you stop following me?! I'm not your mother!
• When the Doctor turns up at the mirror:
  Rose: Oh, here's trouble. What you been up to?
  The Doctor: Oh, this and that. Became the imaginary friend of a future French aristocrat, picked a fight with a clockwork man ... [horse whinnies off-screen] Oh, and I met a horse.
  Mickey: What's a horse doing on a spaceship?
  The Doctor: Mickey, what's pre-Revolutionary France doing on a spaceship? Get a little perspective!
  • The bit where the horse whinnies off-screen is also hilarious in the blooper reel. They obviously didn't have a real horse on set at the time - can you imagine all the Hay it would need, not to mention all the excrement it would, well, excrete? - so someone else shouts "NEEEIIGHH" in its place, and David Tennant can NOT keep it together.
• When the Doctor dubs the horse "Arthur":
  Rose: You're not keeping the horse.
  The Doctor: I let you keep Mickey!
• "I could have daaaaanced all night, I could have have daaaaanced all night, and I could have begged for more! I could have spread my wings and done a — have you met the French? My God they know how to party!" This leads to Rose's classic response: "Look what the cat dragged in, the Oncoming Storm." In short, any part that wasn't Tear Jerker or horrifying was this.
• Including:
  The Doctor: You're my favourite, you are, you know why? Because you're so thick! You're Mr. Thick, Thick Thickity Thickface, from Thicktown, Thickania. And so's your dad!

"Rise of the Cybermen"

• When the Doctor is going on about how they are in "nowhere".
  Mickey: [opens the door] Also known as London!
  • And then, in the same scene, with Mickey's own short monologue:
    Mickey: London, England, Earth. Hold on... [he jumps down off a low wall, picks a paper out of a dustbin and looks at the cover] First of February this year, not exactly far-flung, is it? [Rose jumps down and looks over his shoulder]
    The Doctor: So, this is London.
    Mickey: Yep.
    The Doctor: Your city.
    Mickey: That's the one.
    The Doctor: Just as we left it.
    Mickey: Bang on.
    The Doctor: [glancing upwards] And that includes the zeppelins?
    [Rose and Mickey look up at him, then follow his gaze and turn around to see the sky is full of zeppelins]
    Mickey: What the hell...?
    Rose: That's beautiful!
    Mickey: Okay. So, it's London with a big international zeppelin festival.
• As the homeless are taken away to be converted into Cybermen, the control room is filled by loud piercing screams.
  Mr. Crane: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's-let's cover up that noise! Erm... give us track number 19.
  [tech puts on track 19: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" by Tight Fit]
• Rose gets the Doctor to agree to go with her to see Pete by doing puppy eyes.
• Pete and parallel Jackie argue about the "Happy 40th Birthday" banner being hung up as they prepare for the party. Jackie insists that her biography makes her 39 since it says that she was born on the same day as Cuba Gooding Jr. When he's introducing her at the party, he makes a long pause before saying her "official" age, and there's chortling and sniggering that makes clear no one's falling for it.
  • In this intro scene to Pete and Jackie, we learn that Rose in this alternate universe is... a Yorkshire Terrier. When the Doctor and our Rose find out, the Doctor can't help but crack up, earning a glare of disapproval from Rose.
• The Doctor and Rose are trying to find a way into parallel universe Jackie's birthday party:
  The Doctor: [as he and Rose watch a limo drive up to the estate] They've got visitors.
  Rose: February the 1^st. Mum's birthday. Even in a parallel universe, she still loves a party.
  The Doctor: Well, given Pete Tyler's guest list, I wouldn't mind a look. And there is one guaranteed way of getting inside. [flips his psychic paper]
  Rose: Psychic paper!
  The Doctor: Who do you want to be?
  [Cut to the Doctor and Rose dressed as waiters, carrying trays out of the kitchen with the rest of the wait staff. Rose is sporting an annoyed look on her face]
  Rose: We could have been anyone.
  The Doctor: [looking at her] It got us in, didn't it?
  Rose: You're in charge of the psychic paper. We could have been guests! Celebrities, "Sir Doctor, Dame Rose". We end up serving. I did enough of this back home!^note Considering their very last undercover operation involved Rose acting as a cafeteria lady, can you blame her? [She plasters a fake smile as some guests take nibbles from her tray]
  The Doctor: If you want to know what's going on, work in the kitchen.
• The President talks to Pete as they prepare to greet Lumic in his zeppelin:
  President: Mr. Tyler. What the matter couldn't wait until tonight?
  Pete Tyler: Mr. President. Honoured. I'm on the fast-track programme. Cybus Industries have pulled up my company, so I'm part of the firm now.
  President: Some people say they've bought my government.
  Pete: I've never heard anybody say that. Never. [imitates his Vitex advertisement's thumbs up and wink] You can trust me on this.
  President: I tried your drink, that Vitex stuff. It tastes like pop.
  Pete: Well, it is pop.
  President: You made money by selling a health-food drink into a sick world. Not quite the ordinary Joe you appear to be, are you?
• Mickey goes to find his grandmother, still alive (though the faulty carpet that killed her in his home universe is present). During the conversation, he's interrupted when Jake and Mrs. Moore snatch him up, thinking he's Ricky:
  Jake: Ricky, you were the one who told us, you don't contact your family 'cos it puts them in danger!
  Mickey: [confused] Yeah. Ricky said that. Course I did, just testing.
  Jake: I saw them. I taped them! They went round Blackfriars gathering up the homeless like the Child-Catcher! They must've took four dozen.
  Mrs. Moore: The vans were hired out to a company called International Electromatics. But I did a protocol search... turns out that's a dummy company established by guess who?
  Mickey: [still confused, because he has no idea what the hell they're talking about] I dunno, who?
  Jake and Mrs. Moore: Cybus Industries! [Mickey nods, just going along with it]
  Jake: And now we've got evidence!
  Mrs. Moore: Bad news is, they've arrested Thin Jimmy. So that just leaves you.
  Mickey: Leaves me what?
  Jake: [like it's really something to be pleased about] The Number One. Top of the list! London's Most Wanted.
  Mickey: Okay, cool. [beat] Say that again?
  • Mrs. Moore and Jake take Mickey to the Preachers' base, where they find Ricky.
    Ricky: What the hell are you doing? [Mrs. Moore and Jake look from him to Mickey, completely bewildered]
    Jake: What're you doing there?!
    Ricky: [walking slowly forwards] What am I doing here? [stares at Mickey, brow furrowed] What am I doing there? [points at Mickey; Jake and Mrs. Moore immediately turn their guns on Mickey, who is now just like "Well, this escalated quickly"]
  • The Preachers strip down Mickey to his underwear and interrogate him.
    Jake: He's clean. No bugs.
    Ricky: But this is off the scale. He's flesh and blood, how did that happen?
    Mrs. Moore: Well, it could be that Cybus Industries have perfected the science of human cloning. Or your father had a bike? [Ricky glares at Mickey and circles him threateningly]
    Ricky: And your name is Mickey, not Ricky?
    Mickey: [nods] Mickey. Dad was Jackson Smith. Used to work at the key cutters in Clifton's Parade. Went to Spain, never came back. [Ricky bends to get a closer look at him]
    Ricky: But that's my dad. So... [shrugs] we're brothers?
    Jake: Be fair. What else could it be?
    Ricky: [stares at Mickey, brow furrowed] I don't know. But he doesn't just look like me, he is exactly the same. There's something else going on here, Jake.
    Mickey: So, who are you lot?
    Ricky: We? We are the Preachers. As in Gospel Truth. You see? [Gestures to his ears] No Ear Pods. While the rest of the world downloads from Cybus Industries, we, we have got freedom. You're talking to London's Most Wanted. But target Number One is Lumic, and we are going to bring him down.
    Mickey: From your kitchen? [Jake smirks]
    Ricky: Have you got a problem with that?
    Mickey: No, it's a good kitchen.
• Rose runs up to and hugs Ricky after the Cybermen attack the Tyler residence, mistaking him for Mickey.
  Rose: Oh my god, look at you! [pulls Ricky in for a hug] I thought I’d never see you again!
  Ricky: [confused] Yeah, no offense, sweetheart, but who the hell are you?
  Mickey: Rose! [runs up] That's not me. That's like… the other one.
  The Doctor: Oh, as if things weren’t bad enough, there’s two Mickeys!
  Ricky: It's Ricky.
• When the Cybermen first enter the Tyler estate, they do so by crashing through the windows. Then, once they're all inside and have trapped all the guests, they abruptly stop and stand at attention. Then Lumic calls the President on his earpods:
  President: Mr. Lumic.
  John Lumic: Mr. President, I suppose a remark about "crashing the party" would be appropriate at this point, sir! [Evil Laugh]
  President: I forbade this!
  John Lumic: These are my children, sir! Would you deny my family?
  President: Who were these people?
  John Lumic: Doesn't matter.
  President: I demand to know, Lumic, these people, who were they?!
  John Lumic: They were homeless, and wretched and useless! Until I saved them. And elevated them. And gave them life-eternal! And now, I leave you in their capable hands, goodnight, sir! Goodnight, Mr President!

"The Age of Steel"

• Ricky Smith is London's Most Wanted... for parking tickets.
  Ricky: Yeah, park anywhere, that's me.
  The Doctor: [amused] I do much the same.
• Pete revealing that he is the mole who's been feeding information to the Preachers:
  Ricky: All the same... we have evidence that says Pete Tyler's been working for Lumic since 20.5. [Rose stares at Pete, taken aback]
  Rose Tyler: Is that true? [Pete looks uncomfortable]
  Ricky: Tell 'em, Mrs M.
  Mrs. Moore: We've got a government mole who feeds us information. Lumic's private files, his South American operations... the lot. Secret broadcasts twice a week.
  Pete Tyler: Broadcast from Gemini?
  Ricky: And how do you know that?
  Pete Tyler: I’m Gemini, that’s me!
  Ricky: Yeah, well you would say that.
  Pete Tyler: Encrypted wavelength 657 using binary nine. That’s the only reason I was working for Lumic, to get information. [beat] I thought I was broadcasting to the security services. What do I get? Scooby-Doo and his gang. They've even got the van!
• The Doctor's big speech to the Cyber-Controller Lumic at the climax blatantly doubles as a conversation with Mickey over the security camera, mentioning how even "some idiot" could get access to the emotional inhibitor code. And the only reason why this works is because the Cybermen are now so devoid of emotion they are incapable of realizing this.

"The Idiot's Lantern"

• Throughout the whole episode, the Doctor's hair is gelled in an Elvis-style pompadour...
  • ...because he and Rose were hoping to go to New York for an Elvis concert.
    Rose: ...I thought we'd be going for the Vegas era, you know, the white flares and the... [growls seductively] chest hair. [the Doctor pokes his head round the TARDIS door, his head gelled back, teddy-boy style]
    The Doctor: You are kidding, aren't you? You wanna see Elvis, you go in the late 50's! The time before burgers. [disappears inside] When they called him "the Pelvis" and he still had a waist. [Rose laughs] What's more, you see him in style!
    [Rose looks round to the TARDIS as she can hear the sound of an engine... as the Doctor rides out of the TARDIS on a blue late-50's moped! Rose laughs in amusement as the Doctor stops, big sunglasses and a white helmet on his head]
    The Doctor: [Elvis-style expression and voice] You goin' my way, doll?
    Rose: [putting on a pair of pink sunglasses, in an American accent] Is there any other way to go, daddy-o? [walks towards the moped] Straight from the fridge, man!
    The Doctor: [delighted] Hey, you speak the lingo! [he tosses her a pink helmet, she catches it and puts it on]
    Rose: Yeah well... me, mum, Cliff Richard movies every Bank Holiday Monday. [she sits behind him on the moped as he pulls an annoyed "I Knew It!" face]
    The Doctor: Ah, Cliff! I knew your mother'd be a Cliff fan.
  • The Doctor and Rose soon realize they're in the wrong city but the right time period.
    Rose: [upon spotting British mailboxes] Digging that New York vibe.
    The Doctor: Well, this could still be New York. I mean, this looks very New York to me. Sort of Londony New York, mind.
    Rose: [gesturing to the Union Flags up and down the street] What are all the flags for?
    The Doctor: [parks the motorcycle] Let’s go find out.
    [they approach a group of people buying TV sets from Mr. Magpie]
    The Doctor: [looking around at the cars] Well I did get the time right, or close.
    Rose: Sure, you’re just off by a few thousand miles, but at least we’re in the right decade.
  • While trying to get their bearings, the Doctor and Rose hear screams as the police black bag one of the faceless victims from a nearby house and cart them off in a police car. The Doctor and Rose give chase in their motorcycle. As they near the black site, DI Bishop in the car radios ahead "Operation Market Stall! Go go go!" So by the time the Doctor and Rose round a corner, they just find some plainclothes cops pretending to run a deserted market stall in front of a gate that blocks the entrance to the black site.
    The Doctor: Lost them! How’d they get away from us?
    Rose: I'm surprised they didn’t turn back and arrest you for reckless driving! Have you actually passed your test?
    The Doctor: Men in black? Vanishing police cars? This is Churchill’s England, not Stalin’s Russia!
• Rose and the Doctor basically spend the entire time they're with Eddie Connolly trolling the hell out of him.
  • When Mr. Connolly answers his door:
    The Doctor and Rose: [exaggerated big grins] HIIIIIIIII!
    Eddie Connolly: Who are you then?
    The Doctor: Let’s see, then. Judging by the look of you, family man, nice house, decent wage, fought in the war. [flashes psychic paper] Therefore I represent Queen and Country! Just doing a little check of Her Forthcoming Majesty’s subjects before the great day. Don’t mind if I come in? [immediately shoves his way past Mr. Connolly] Nah, I didn’t think you did. Thank you!
  • "Hold on a minute. There are three important, brilliant, and complicated reasons why you should listen to me. One–" [the Doctor gets walloped in the face by the MIB]
  • Rose berates Mr. Connolly for calling the Union Flag the Union Jack (you call it the Union Jack only at sea). Later, when Eddie is kicking her out, Rose then almost from nowhere shames him once more. Yes, you can do this.
    Rose: As for you, Mr. Connolly, only an idiot hangs the Union Flag upside down. Shame on you! [flashes a wacky smile and runs after the Doctor]
• Detective Inspector Bishop interrogates the Doctor.
  • Bishop asks the Doctor to tell them everything he knows. The Doctor answers, "Well, for starters, I know you can't wrap your hand round your elbow and make your fingers meet." One of Bishop's colleagues immediately decides to try it out for himself.
  • Midway through the conversation, the police bring in another faceless victim, which turns out to be Rose. Out-of-universe, it apparently took forever for them to shoot this part of the scene. The reason for this is that the CGI effect was accomplished by placing motion capture dots all over Billie Piper's face◊ for the effects team to CGI away her facial features. So when the police bring Rose in and whip off the burlap sack concealing her face, Piper was having a very hard time trying to do it without breaking out in laughter.
• Bishop sees the Wire speak and focuses more on it turning the image onscreen to full colour, thinking nothing of the fact that the "woman" on the screen is directly addressing himself and the others in the room by name.
  "Good lord! Colour television!"
• At Alexandra Palace:
  Tommy: Who'd he think you were?
  The Doctor: [checks psychic paper] The King of Belgium, apparently.
  • Fridge Brilliance: The paper either shows you what the owner wants you to see, what you were secretly thinking, or (presumably, in this case) what the other person expects to see. Which means that either the Doctor chose "the King of Belgium" on the fly, or that the security guard genuinely thought the weird guy in the brown suit was the King of Belgium! The two are◊ indistinguishable◊.
  • Which leads to a moment later, when the Doctor is running up the stairs towards the antenna that Mr. Magpie already climbed: the guard yells a warning, addressing the Doctor as "Your Majesty".

"The Impossible Planet"

• The episode opens with a Moment for Ten and Rose, wondering why the TARDIS is sounding weird as she materializes (again, in a cupboard):
  The Doctor: [examining the TARDIS] I don't know what is wrong with her, she's sort of ... queasy, indigestion ... like she didn't want to land.
  Rose: Well if you think that's gonna be trouble, we can always get back inside and go somewhere else.
  [the Doctor and Rose stare at each other for a Beat, then literally fall over laughing]
• As they explore the base, the Doctor and Rose open a door and find themselves face to face with some Ood, prompting a Jump Scare.
  The Doctor: Whoa! Right. Sorry. I was just saying, er, "nice base".
  • The Ood enter and encircle the pair with chants of "We must. Feed," and we cut to the credits as the Doctor brandishes his sonic screwdriver and Rose brandishes a chair to defend themselves. When we come back from the credits, the Ood in front shakes his translator orb, gives it a whack, and proclaims "We must feed ... [shakes]...you, if you are hungry." Complete with a cartoon-caliber shaking sound.
  • A deleted scene extends the interaction further.
    Ood: We apologize. Electromagnetics have interfered with our speech systems. Would you like some refreshment?
    The Doctor: Ummm.... none for me, thanks.
    Rose: Have you got any coffee?
    Ood: We have only Protein 1, Protein 2, or Protein 3.
    Rose: And what does Protein 1 taste like?
    Ood: Milk.
    Rose: Protein 2?
    Ood: Salt.
    Rose: [smiles nervously] And... Protein 3?
    Ood: Sugar.
    Rose: Well, uhm, [glances at the Doctor] I'll have a cup of "1", with just a little bit of "3", a tiny bit, thank you.
    Ood: We will have to charge payment to your designation codes.
    The Doctor: We haven't got one.
    Ood: That is impossible.
    The Doctor: Well that's us. [he and Rose laugh] "Impossible"!
    Ood: With apologies, but this must be reported.
    The Doctor: [in a whiny voice] Awww, do you have to?
    Ood: [into translator sphere, radioing security] We regret we have unauthorized humans in Habitation Three.
    The Doctor: That's a bit harsh, "unauthorized". Why don't you just call us visitors? No! Tell you what, "guests"! Guests is good. Or! How 'bout, "friends you just haven't met yet"! [Rose laughs softly; it is at this point that Mr. Jefferson shows up]
    Jefferson: What the hell? [marches up to the Doctor and Rose] Who... are you?
    Ood: These are friends you just haven't met yet.
    Jefferson: That's enough out of you. [hits the Ood's translator sphere out of his hand]
    Rose: Oi! There's no need for that!
• Jefferson shows up with some guards:
  Jefferson: [into his wrist communicator] Captain, you're not going to believe this. We've got people. Out of nowhere. I mean, real people. I mean two... living... people. Just standing here, right in front of me. [the Doctor and Rose obviously don't quite know what to make of this unusual reception]
  Zach: Don't be stupid, that's impossible.
  Jefferson: [looks at the Doctor and Rose] I was just telling them that.
  Rose: But you're a sort of space base, you must have visitors now and then. It can't be that impossible.
  Jefferson: You're telling me you don't know where you are?
  The Doctor: [grins] No idea. More fun that way.
  • An incoming quake is detected, and the Doctor and Rose taken by Jefferson and his guards to the main control room, where the rest of the crew is. Danny seems to think they're hallucinations:
    Zach: Oh, my god. You meant it.
    Scooti: People! Look at that! Real people!
    The Doctor: That's us. Hooray!
    Rose: [smiles at them] Yeah, definitely real. My name's Rose... Rose Tyler, and... and this is the Doctor. [Danny walks over to her]
    Danny: Come on... the oxygen must be offline. We're hallucinating. They can't be... no. [narrows his eyes] They're real!
  • Zach orders everyone to buckle down for the impending impact:
    Zach: Sorry, you two, whoever you are. Just... hold on tight.
    Rose: Hold on to what?
    Zach: Anything. I don't care. Just hold on. [to the Ood] Ood, are we fixed?
    Ood: Your kindness in this emergency is much appreciated. [the Doctor and Rose find some railings to hold on to]
    The Doctor: What's this planet called, anyway?
    Ida: Now, don't be stupid. It hasn't got a name. How could it have a name? [the Doctor raises his eyebrows] You really don't know, do you?
    Zach: AND... IMPACT! [the entire base shakes violently; the crew, the Doctor and Rose all cling on tight, but it's over pretty quickly; the Doctor stands up]
    The Doctor: Oh, well, that wasn't so ba- [he is thrown backwards as the base shakes even more violently]
• The Ood's translator spheres cause them to say anything and everything in deadpan BBC English. Case in point:
  Kitchen Ood: The Beast and his armies shall rise from the pit to make war against God.
  Rose: I'm sorry?
  Kitchen Ood: [shakes the translation sphere like the previous line was a result of his autocorrect feature acting up] Apologies. I said, "I hope you enjoy your meal."
• Cut off from the TARDIS because the section of the base that they parked it in has collapsed into the planet, the Doctor and Rose have a very awkward conversation about having to settle down:
  Rose: [checking her phone] No signal. That's the first time we've gone out of range. Mind you, even if I could... what would I tell her...? Can you build another TARDIS? [She laughs half-heartedly, knowing it's impossible]
  The Doctor: They were grown, not built. And with my own planet gone... we're kind of stuck.
  Rose: [consolingly, trying to keep the tone light] Well, it could be worse. This lot said they'd give us a lift.
  The Doctor: And Then What??
  Rose: I dunno... find a planet... get a job... live a life, same as the rest of the universe.
  The Doctor: Pfft... I'd have to settle down. In a house or something, a proper house with... with... with... with doors and things. Carpets! Me! Living in a house! [Rose laughs] Now that... that is terrifying.
  Rose: [teasingly, sing-song] You'd have to get a mortgage.
  The Doctor: [staring, horrified] ...No.
  Rose: Oh yes.
  The Doctor: I am dying. That's it. I am dying, it is all over.
  Rose: What about me? I'd have to get one too. I dunno, could... could be the same one, we could both...[The Doctor looks at her. She catches his eye]...I dunno... share. Or not, you know. Whatever. [The Doctor nods, clearly feeling slightly awkward] I dunno, we'll sort something out...
  The Doctor: Anyway.
  Rose: [laughs it off] We'll see!
  [They sit in silence for a few moments]
  The Doctor: I promised Jackie I'd always take you back home.
  Rose: Everyone leaves home in the end.
  The Doctor: Not to end up stuck here.
  Rose: Yeah, but stuck with you, that's not so bad.
  The Doctor: Yeah?
  Rose: Yes.
• "Oh, did you have to? 'No turning back'? That's almost as bad as 'nothing can possibly go wrong' or 'This is gonna be the best Christmas Walford's ever had.'"
• Danny's attempt to explain to Zach over the communicators that the Ood are possessed doesn't quite come out as he intends it to:
  Danny: Captain, sir. There's something happening with the Ood.
  Zach: What are they doing?
  Danny: They're staring at me! I've told them to stop, but they won't! [glances at the Ood nervously]
  Zach: Danny, you're a big boy. I think you can take being stared at.
• Also from the deleted scenes, the Doctor and Ida doing rock-paper-scissors.

"The Satan Pit"

• Rose checking out Danny's arse as they crawl through the vents.
  Rose: Not exactly your best moment, Danny.
  Danny: Oi! Stop it!
  • ...at that moment, Toby's doing the same thing to Rose.
    Toby: I dunno, could be worse...
    Rose: Oi!
  • With The Reveal that Toby was being possessed by The Beast the entire time, it's doubly funny to think it actually took the time to comment on Rose's rear.

"Love & Monsters"

• The Scooby-Dooby Doors chase scene between the Doctor, Rose and their latest alien target. Elton finds himself face to face with a Hoix, a creature who kinda looks like Clench from ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter. The Doctor appears and tries to distract the Hoix with a porkchop, alternating between trying to dangle it in front of the Hoix while calling to it like he's trying to tempt a dog with a treat, and telling Elton to run. Then a screeching Rose runs in and splashes the Hoix with a bucket of steaming... something that looks vaguely like Fairy Liquid. Which evidently just only makes the Hoix mad, rather than knock it out.
  The Doctor: WRONG ONE! YOU MADE IT WORSE!
  Rose: YOU SAID BLUE!
  The Doctor: I SAID NOT BLUE!
  • The Hoix is chasing them around at first, but then in front of Elton, he stops and then runs the other way... because Rose's got a red bucket now.
• Elton clarifying he's not THAT Elton. Cut away to that Elton.
• Elton reciting the infiltration techniques taught to him by Victor. A task which would be extremely difficult, if Jackie didn't do all of them for him. Honorable mention goes to Jackie flashing Elton her knickers at the laundrette.
• "So it began. The impossible task. To scour the mean streets, to search a major capital city for an unknown girl. To hunt down that face in a seething metropolis of lost souls. To find that one girl in ten million-"
  Old Lady: [looking at the photo] Oh, that's Rose Tyler. She lives just down there. Bucknell House, number forty-eight. Her mother's Jackie Tyler. Nice family. [walks off; under her breath] A bit odd...
• Jackie trying to get Elton to stay the night. She accidentally bumps into him with some wine. This would be plausible, if she didn't toss the entire contents of the glass at him after that.
  Jackie: Oops...
• Elton pumps himself up to sleep with Jackie, which mostly consists of dorky, unnecessary faux-karate kicking.
• The Abzorbaloff's Newspaper-Thin Disguise.
  Ursula: Where's Mr. Skinner?
  Victor: He's gone to the toilet.
  Elton: But... we haven't got toilets. We have to use the pub on the corner.
  Victor: Well, well, well, that's, that's where he is, then.
  Skinner: [muffled] Help me.
  Ursula: What was that?
  Victor: Nothing. It was nothing. It was nothing!
  Skinner: Help me!
  Victor: Shut up!
• The Abzorbaloff himself. Once you get over how icky he is, the sheer absurdity of the situation can't help but feel comical, with multiple disembodied faces sticking out of the body of a flatulent Fat Bastard.
• Bliss's ultimate fate. After a roll call from the absorbed...
  Bliss: [muffling]
  Elton: I'm sorry, I can't hear you...
  [the Abzorbaloff lifts his arse]
  Bliss: [sheepishly, whilst the Abzorbaloff farts] I said, you don't want to know...
  • When the Abzorbaloff's absorbed victims figure out that he intends to absorb Elton next, they all urge him to run... except for Bliss, who muffles again.
• The horrific scene of Ursula's absorption is topped off by the Abzorbaloff commenting that "she tastes like chicken".
• When Rose and the Doctor finally show up to deal with the Abzorbaloff, Rose is more mad at Elton than anything for pissing off her mother.
  The Doctor: Someone here to talk to you. [Rose emerges and marches past the Doctor]
  Rose: You've upset my mum!
  Elton: [about to be absorbed] Great big absorbing creature from outer space, and you're having a go at me?
  Rose: No one upsets my mum!
• Rose, who is no stranger to green, flatulent Fat Bastards, uncovers the origin of the Abzorbaloff.
  Rose: [whispers into the Doctor's ear] Is it me or is he a bit... Slitheen?
  Doctor: Not from Raxacoricofallapatorius are you?
  Victor: No! I'm not the swine! I spit on them! I was born on their twin planet.
  Doctor: Really? What's the twin planet of Raxacoricofallapatorius?
  Victor: Clom.
  Doctor: Clom?
  Victor: Clom!
• "We've even got a bit of a love life." Ursula's reaction is justified.

"Fear Her"

• The Doctor has difficulties parking the TARDIS.
  The Doctor: [opens the door, only to find he's face to face with the side of a dumpster] Ah...
  [he steps back into the TARDIS, dematerializes it, and rematerializes it after rotating it clockwise 90 degrees so that the door is unobstructed; then he and Rose emerge from the TARDIS]
  The Doctor: Ahhhh!
  • He didn't disobey the sign by parking in front of the gate. He parked in the gate.
• The Doctor reminiscing on the original Olympics.
  The Doctor: Only seems like yesterday, a few naked Greek blokes were tossing a discus about, wrestling with each other in the sand, the crowd standing about, baying... no, wait a minute, that was Club Med!
• While Rose is talking to council worker Kel, who's dealing with cars that are breaking down on the stretch of Dame Kelly Holmes Close where kids are disappearing, the Doctor enters the scene having been caught snooping in Tom's family's yard trying to figure out what happened to the most recent missing kid:
  The Doctor: ...I'm, I'm a police officer! That's what I am. I've got a badge and a police car! You don't have to get– I can, I can prove it! Just hold on! [reaches for his psychic paper]
  Tom's dad: We've had plenty of coppers poking around here, and you don't look or sound like any of them.
  The Doctor: [gestures to Rose] See, look. I've got a colleague! Lewis.
  Tom's dad: Well, she looks less like a copper than you do.
  The Doctor: Training. New recruit. It was either that or hairdressing, so, voila! [brandishes his psychic paper in the man's face]
  • Rose uses this as an excuse to do some roleplay flirting when she and the Doctor are in the TARDIS analyzing the scribble creature that attacked her.
    The Doctor: Are you deducting?
    Rose: [flirtatiously] I think I am.
    The Doctor: Copper’s hunch?
    Rose: [huskily] Permission to follow it up, Sarge.
    The Doctor: Oh, I insist, Lewis.
• While the Doctor and Rose are exploring one of the crime scenes, Rose finds a cat and starts fawning over it, calling it "beautiful boy". The Doctor thinks she's talking about him, and when he realizes the truth he visibly sours up.
  Rose: [to a cat] Oh, aren't you just a beautiful boy!
  The Doctor: Thanks, I've been experimenting with backcombing... oh.
• The Doctor and Rose greet Trish the same way they did Eddie Connolly when they show up on her doorstep: overly-enthusiastic "Hiiiis".
• The Doctor grabs a jar of marmalade off the countertop in the Webbers' kitchen, sticks his finger in and eats some of it. He only stops when Rose and Trish give him looks that plainly say "What the hell are you doing?" Then he puts it back while looking sulky.
• Kel takes great pride in his tarmacking prowess.
  "Blended to a secret council recipe!"
  • He's also not happy when Rose grabs a pickaxe out of his van to hack away at the freshly filled-in pothole and retrieve the Isolus' pod.
    Kel: Whoa, wait, wait, wait. You just removed a council axe from a council van. Put it back. [Rose jumps out of the van and strides purposely toward the piece of new tarmac] No, don’t, wait. Put the axe back in the van. That’s my van. Give me the axe. No! Wait! No! [Rose begins hacking at the pavement] No! You, stop! You just took a council axe from a council van and now you’re digging up a council road! I’m reporting you to the council!
    [Rose continue digging until she hits metal, and finds the Isolus' pod, which is about the size of a goose's egg]
    Rose: It went for the hottest thing in the street. Your tar.
    Kel: What is it?
    Rose: It’s a spaceship. [smiles sheepishly] Not a council spaceship, I’m afraid.

"Army of Ghosts"

• Jackie grabbing the Doctor for a kiss, and the Doctor looking absolutely disgusted for the next few scenes, as a result. He even scrubs his mouth off like a kid forced to kiss a relative at Christmas.
• "I MARRIED A GHOST". Thank you, trashy TV shows!
  • That's just the tip of the iceberg. There's merchandise. T-shirts. A product called "Ecto-Shine" which sounds like something right out of Ghostbusters. And the worst thing is, they've invaded EastEnders.
    Peggy Mitchell: Listen to me, Den Watts! I don't care if you have come back from the grave, get outta my pub! The only spirits I'm serving in this place are gin, whiskey, and vodka. So you heard me. Git out!
  • Knowing what the ghosts really are, one can only imagine the ratings boost that would happen if the ghost shift that fully brought the Cybermen over happened while that scene was being filmed. It truly would be the best Christmas that Walford's ever had.
  • When the Doctor asks Jackie about the ghost phenomena, he has to clarify he's asking about when the ghosts first arrived and not the EastEnders episode.
• Rose is stunned to find that a ghost has been elected MP for Leeds. This means that...
  The Doctor: [appears with a device that resembles a proton pack] Who ya gonna call?!
  Rose: Ghostbusters!
  The Doctor: I ain't afraid of no ghosts!
• The Doctor takes off after the ghost signal. Midway through his ramblings, he can't help but notice Rose casting a funny look at him... because her mother is still onboard the TARDIS. The Doctor makes the appropriate face.
  Jackie: [sitting on a step, looking cross as she glares at the Doctor] If we end up on Mars, I'm gonna kill you. [folds her arms across her chest]
  • The TARDIS lands at Torchwood, where it is promptly surrounded by Torchwood soldiers.
    Rose: They've got guns!
    The Doctor: And I haven't, which makes me the better person, don't you think? [ridiculously cheerful] They can shoot me dead, but the moral high ground is mine.
  • Torchwood's reaction is one for the history books: They applaud him. At length. The Doctor's reaction shows this one's never happened before.
  • The Doctor passes Jackie off as Rose, so that the real Rose goes with the TARDIS to investigate elsewhere. She takes doing this as well as you'd expect:
    Yvonne Hartman: But according to the records, you’re not one for travelling alone. "The Doctor and his companion." That’s the pattern, isn’t it, right? There’s no point hiding anything. Not from us. So where is she?
    The Doctor: Yes. Sorry. Good point. She’s just a bit shy, that’s all... [he reaches back an arm without looking, grabs Jackie, and pulls her out of the TARDIS] ...but here she is, Rose Tyler. She's not the best I've ever had. Bit too blonde. Not too steady on her pins. A lot of that– [he makes a movement with his hand to indicate "she talks too much"] ...and just last week she stared into the heart of the Time Vortex and aged 57 years. But she'll do.
    Jackie: I'm 40!
    The Doctor: Deluded. Bless. I'll have to trade her in. Do you need anyone? She's very good at tea. Well, when I say "very good" I mean not bad. Well, I say "not bad" — anyway, lead on. Allons-y, but not too fast! Her ankle's going.
    Jackie: I'll show you where my ankle's going!
  • And then later, when the jig is up:
    Yvonne Hartman: If that's Rose Tyler, who's she?
    Jackie: I'm her mother.
    Yvonne: Oh, you travel with her mother?
    Jackie: He kidnapped me!
    The Doctor: Please, when Torchwood comes to write my complete history, don't tell people I travelled through time and space with [Rose's] mother! [Yvonne chuckles]
    Jackie: [annoyed] Charming!
    The Doctor: I've got a reputation to uphold!
• Rose tries using the psychic paper to try to bluff her way into Torchwood, and fails horribly:
  Dr. Singh: Everyone here at Torchwood has some degree of psychic training. This paper is blank.
  • Mickey managed to sneak in somehow - so they may have training for psychic paper... but they don't have training for blatant lies!
  • In general, just how utterly, ridiculously genre-blind and incompetent Torchwood is can be pretty funny for the viewer, especially when compared to UNIT's usual efficiency.

"Doomsday"

• The two most humour-challenged races in the universe, the Daleks and Cybermen, engage in the world's most epic verbal pissing contest:
  Dalek Thay: Identify yourselves!
  Cyberman: You will identify first.
  Dalek Thay: State your identity!
  Cyberman: You will identify first.
  Dalek Thay: IDENTIFY!!!
  Mickey: It's like Stephen Hawking versus the Speaking Clock.
  Cyberman: [Aggression is wasteful] ...and illogical, you will modify.
  Dalek Thay: Daleks do not take orders!
  Cyberman: You have identified as Daleks.
  Dalek Sec: Outline resembles the inferior species known as Cybermen. Long-range scans confirm presence of crude cybernetic constructs on world-wide scale.
  • Moments later:
    Cyberman: Our species are similar, though your design is inelegant.
    Dalek Thay: Daleks have no concept of elegance!
    Cyberman: This is obvious. But consider, our technologies are compatible. Cybermen plus Daleks. Together, we could upgrade the universe.
    Dalek Thay: You propose an alliance?
    Cyberman: This is correct.
    Dalek Thay: Request denied!
  • The situation rapidly deteriorates. After the Daleks reject the offer of an alliance, things become as predictable as expected: namely, everyone starts shooting. Daleks 2, Cybermen 0.
    Cybermen: Hostile elements will be deleted. [both Cybermen fire multiple shots at Thay, but none of them come close to piercing the polycarbide shell]
    Dalek Thay: EXTERMINATE! [kills both Cybermen]
    ** Then the Cyber-Leader opens a visual link:
    Cyber-Leader: Daleks, be warned. You have declared war upon the Cybermen.
    Dalek Sec: [not fazed in the slightest] This is NOT war, this is PEST CONTROL!
    Cyber-Leader: We have five million Cybermen. How many are you?
    Dalek Sec: ...Four.
    Cyber-Leader: You would destroy the Cybermen with four Daleks?
    Dalek Sec: WE WOULD DESTROY THE CYBERMEN WITH ONE DALEK! You are superior in only one respect.
    Cyberman: What is that?
    Dalek Sec: YOU ARE BETTER AT DYING!
    • Daleks 3, Cybermen 0.
    • By all technicalities, the Daleks are winning when the Void opens.
  • What makes the pissing contest even more hilarious is that the Daleks considered fighting the Time Lords, who resemble humans, as a war. But fighting the Cybermen is, apparently, merely spraying for cockroaches.
  • Despite Cybermen not having emotions, the Cyberman seems incredulous when asking "You would destroy the Cybermen with four Daleks?"
  • "You are better at dying." - Did the Cybermen survive a Time War that they were actively fighting in? No. The Daleks did. That's not just boasting; it's true.
• Once Rose identifies the Doctor for the Daleks, all three present in the room backpedal away from her in what can only be an epic non-verbal Oh, Crap! as they realize the Doctor's in the house. As Rose lampshades, five million Cybermen? No trouble. One unarmed Time Lord? That scares the daylights out of them.
• Now this one is subtle. When Jackie sees Alternate Pete, and he asks, "You didn't marry again, or...?" Jackie replied, "There was never anyone else." This leads to a quick shot of Mickey and the Doctor looking very, very skeptical.
  • Also from that scene:
    Pete: In my world, it worked. All those daft little plans of mine, they worked. Made me rich.
    Jackie: I don't care about that. [beat] How rich?
    Pete: Very.
    Jackie: I don't care about that. [beat] How very?
• Though it's later explained that it's actually so he can see the "Void stuff", the Doctor running around in the middle of the epic Dalek vs Cybermen battle wearing 3D specs for (at the time) no apparent reason is pretty funny.
• Jackie has become separated from the others, who are trying to find her:
  The Doctor: (over the phone) Where are you?
  Jackie: I don't know! Staircase!
  The Doctor: Yeah, which one? Is there any sort of sign, anything to identify it?
  Jackie: Yes! A fire extinguisher!
  The Doctor: (sarcastically) Yeah, that helps.
• The mere visual of millions of Daleks being sucked into the Void is hilarious, especially when some of the Daleks shout "EMERGENCY!".
• Following the Tear Jerker that was the "Doomsday" finale, we get the Doctor incredulously repeating "What?!" in higher and higher pitch when he sees Donna standing in the TARDIS in her wedding dress.
  The Doctor: [looks up to see a woman in a wedding dress has suddenly appeared] What...?
  [Donna turns around and gasps at him]
  The Doctor: What?
  Donna: Who are you?
  The Doctor: But...
  Donna: [now annoyed] Where am I?!
  The Doctor: What?!
  Donna: [now angry] What the hell is this place?!
  The Doctor: ...WHAT?!
  [credits roll]

Outtakes

• As always, the blooper reel.
• A Cyberman in a park:
  Cyberman: Do you know the way to the BBC?
  Man on bench: [points him the right way]
  Cyberman: Over that way? [man nods] Thank you, Earthling.
  [Once the Cyberman is a ways away]
  Cyberman: Weeeee I’m free as a bird! A Cyberbird!
  • Cybermen doing everyday things. Like playing football and walking K9.
• They took the extra time to animate the werewolf motion capture to act like an outtake, and so did the Krillitane. So we get a Krillitane running into a pillar and another one belching.

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