The Doctor and Rose's first meeting begins with the Doctor in his usual fashion - sticking his nose where he really shouldn't.
The Doctor: Don't tell anyone about this, 'cause if you do, you'll get them killed. [slams door] [Beat] The Doctor:[opens the door again] I'm the Doctor, by the way! What's your name? Rose: ...Rose. The Doctor: Nice to meet you, Rose! [holds up bomb]Run for your life!
Cue a few moments later when Rose has crossed the street and said first meeting ends in the usual fashion for the Doctor - namely, the building explodes. Nine Doctors and having just used the Moment to destroy Gallifrey...by now, you'd think he would have learned - whenever he gets involved, stuff ends up exploding!
We briefly see Rose run past the TARDIS after the building exploded. The implication here is that the TARDIS has been sat outside and got to watch the explosion. We all know she just mentally face-palmed at her thief blowing up a building.
An even funnier implication is that the TARDIS was in the building as it exploded and has just materialised there. Imagine the face palming at that! The Time War is over, so she probably thought she'd be free of stuff exploding for a while. Alas, she's with the Doctor...
The Doctor shows up at Rose's flat following the arm. He wonders what she's doing there and seems genuinely confused that someone would live somewhere.
Rose: I live here! The Doctor: Well what'd you do that for?
The Doctor and Jackie's first conversation.
Jackie:[leaning forward suggestively] I'm in my dressing gown. The Doctor: Yes, you are. Jackie: There's a strange man in my bedroom. The Doctor: Yes, there is. Jackie:[in her worst "suggestive" voice possible]Anythingcould happen. [Beat] The Doctor:No.[leaves]
The Doctor fooling around in Rose's apartment while she's not looking.
First, he looks at a tabloid magazine.
The Doctor: That won't last: he's gay and she's an alien.
Then, he reads a book in under a second.
The Doctor: Hm. Sad ending.
Then he looks in the mirror and examines his face.
The Doctor: Could've been worse. [flicks earlobes] But look at the ears!
Lastly, he picks up a deck of cards and starts shuffling it at an incredibly high speed... Until he drops all of them.
The Doctor: Maybe not.
There's just something inherently hilarious about seeing the Doctor flailing around with a plastic arm trying to strangle him.
The Doctor stops the arm... And then immediately leaves. Rose follows him down the stairs, leading to a snark-filled conversation.
Rose: Hold on a minute, you can't just go swannin' off! The Doctor: Yes I can, here I am, this is me, swannin' off, see ya! Rose: But that arm was moving, it tried to kill me! The Doctor:Ten out of ten for observation. Rose: You can't just walk away, that's not fair! You've gotta tell me what's goin' on! The Doctor: No, I don't!
A garbage bin stalks Mickey, a la Metal Gear Solid. Mickey opens the lid to investigate, and is attacked and eaten by it. The randomness of the scene is only made funnier by the CGI, which hasn't aged well at all.
And then when Rose comes back, Mickey is replaced by an Auton that's impersonating him. Even funnier, Rose falls for it even though she's seen Autons in action.
Rose: What are we going to do tonight? I fancy a pizza.
The restaurant scene between Rose and Auton!Mickey in all its glory. Especially when Auton!Mickey begins cycling through various terms of endearment and Electronic Speech Impediment kicks in at random.
The fight scene between the Doctor and Auton!Mickey. The Doctor launches a Champagne cork into A!M's forehead, A!M spits the cork out. The Doctor yanks A!M's head off, A!M snarks about it before his body starts aimlessly flailing around chopping tables in half with giant spatula hands of death.
"If you are an alien, how comes you sound like you're from the North?" "Lots of planets have a north!"
Rose listens to the Doctor wonder where you could hide the Nestene Consciousness's transmitter (a great big wheel-shaped thing) in the middle of London... while standing directly across the river from the London Eye. She has to point it out THREE TIMES before he catches on. He is the smartest thing in the universe (and he'll let you know it), but he has the attention span of a goldfish. As soon as something interesting or shiny takes his interest, he's distracted by it.
The Doctor notes that the Nestene Consciousness used "Warp Shunt technology" to invade Earth, so suggests, "with the greatest respect, that you shunt off." Ohhh, the puns! People assumed it was just Twelve who made puns as a Regeneration "quirk". Nope - as it turns out, that's just part of the Doctor.
While leading Rose towards the Nestene Consciousness's lair, the Doctor begins listing all the plastic things that the Consciousness will be able to control. What does Rose offer to the list? Breast implants.
Later in the episode, when the rich aliens gather to see the end of the world, Lady Cassandra encourages everyone to mourn the death of the Earth with a traditional ballad: the Britney Spears song "Toxic".
And the huge 1950s jukebox it's played on is referred to as an "iPod".
The Doctor: Oi! Where do you think you're going? Rose: ...1860. The Doctor: Go out there? Dressed like that? You'll start a riot, Barbarella! There's a wardrobe through there; first left, second right, third on the left, go straight ahead, under the stairs, past the bins, fifth door on the left. Go on!
The Doctor: Blimey! Rose: Don't laugh. The Doctor: You look beautiful! [Rose smiles; the Doctor looks away] Considering. Rose:[smile falls] Considering what? The Doctor: That you're human. Rose:I think that's a compliment. Aren't you going to change? The Doctor: I've changed my jumper. Come on. Rose: You, stay there. You've done this before. This is mine! [steps out the door]
As the Doctor and Rose face possible death from the Gelth.
Even though it's Played for Drama, the fact that the Doctor set the TARDIS for 12 hours and instead landed 12 months later. Looks like his steering is as bad as ever.
Rose's mother Jackie slaps the Doctor in the face when he brings Rose home, thinking he lured her daughter away for immoral purposes. Rose's reaction to this is to steadfastly avert her gaze from both the Doctor and her mum.
Rose is amazed at how in stride the Doctor is taking this.
Rose: She slapped you. The Doctor: Nine hundred years of time and space, and I've never been slapped by someone's mother! Rose:[laughing] ...Your face. The Doctor: It hurt! Rose: You're so gay! [The Doctor rubs his cheek, offended] When you say 900 years? The Doctor: That's my age. Rose: You're nine hundred years old. The Doctor: Yeah. Rose: My mum was right, that is one hell of an age gap.
Rose bemoans what a privilege it is to be the only person on Earth who knows there's life elsewhere beyond the solar system.
Rose: Every conversation with you just goes mental. There's no one else I can talk to. I've seen all that stuff up there, the size of it, and I can't say a word! Aliens and spaceships and things, and...I'm the only person on planet Earth who knows they exist. [as if on cue, a spacecraft flies right over their heads, headed for Central London; it flies around the city, then smashes into Big Ben and lands in the Thames by Westminster Bridge; the Doctor and Rose stand up, Rose slack-jawed in wide-eyed disbelief] Rose: Oh, that's just not fair! [The Doctor laughs gleefully, grabs her hand, and pulls her off in the direction of the action]
Also funny given that, as fans of the older series know, there are many other people in the early 21st century who know aliens exist; Rose just hasn't met them yet.
While watching the newscast, the Doctor at one point fights for control of the remote from a kid trying to watch Blue Peter.
Mickey tries to reach the TARDIS as it dematerializes... but misses and runs face-first into a metal wall. It's pure slapstick comedy that doesn't even need music!
After the Doctor sonics a door in Albion Hospital, he opens it... and enters a room full of soldiers who are on break. One Beat later, the soldiers pull their guns on the Doctor, who gives an "Oh, Crap!" Smile.
When Mickey tries to ream the Doctor out:
Mickey: I bet you don't even remember my name. The Doctor: Ricky. Mickey: It's Mickey. The Doctor: No, it's Ricky. Mickey: I think I know my own name. The Doctor: You think you know your own name? How stupid are you?
The Slitheen, Margaret in particular, when Asquith is trying to ream them out: "I'm shaking my booty!"
The Doctor's most epic gem ever:
The Doctor: Excuse me, would you mind not farting while I'm saving the world? Joseph Green: Would you rather silent but deadly?
We get two hilarious moments at one point. The Doctor materialises the TARDIS in one of the most undignified places possible - a cupboard full of cleaning supplies - at the Albion Hospital after promising Rose he wouldn't vanish on her; he briefly glares up at the TARDIS when he discovers where he is. When he returns to the Powell Estate and she confronts him about it, he doesn't even try to lie and hide it: "Alright, so I lied - I went and had a look."
Mickey and Jackie narrowly escape Sip Fel-Fotch's attempt to kill them. Mickey runs back into the room momentarily to snap a photo on his phone.
Nine tries to convince the British soldiers (who don't know him at all) that the Acting Prime Minister and his cabinet officials in the room (accusing him of killing the UNIT team) are the Slitheen. Unfortunately, by the time he gets them to the briefing room, Green has helped his fellow Slitheen back into his Asquith skinsuit. Realizing how absurd the story sounds, he realizes that his story isn't going to be believed at all. One soldier agrees with his assessment with a flat "Nope."
The Ninth Doctor subsequently deals with Asquith trying to have the Special Forces team execute him:
The Doctor: The thing is, if I was you, if I was gonna execute someone by backing them against a wall, between you and me, little word of advice... [elevator door opens behind him] ...don't stand them against the lift!
Then 20 seconds later, the door opens to a roaring Blon-Fel Fotch, grins "Hello!"... then the Doctor calmly pushes the button to close the doors.
The Doctor, Rose, and Harriet Jones barricade themselves in the armor reinforced Cabinet room.
The Doctor: Installed in 1991. Three inches of steel lining every single wall. They'll never get in! Rose:And how do we get out? The Doctor:...ah.
The Doctor:[to the Slitheen] Who exactly are the Slitheen? Harriet:They're aliens. The Doctor: I got that, thanks. Slitheen: Who are you, if not human? Harriet: Who's not human? Rose: He's not human. Harriet: He's not human!? The Doctor: Excuse me! Could I have a bit of a hush? Harriet: Sorry. The Doctor:[to the Slitheen] So! What's the plan? Harriet: But he's got a Northern accent! Rose:[apologetically]Lots of planets have a North. The Doctor: I said hush!
The Doctor deduces that the Slitheen come from the planet Raxacoricofallapatorius. Mickey snarks that they could write them a letter.
The fact that Mickey has no idea if he owns vinegar, but Rose (his old girlfriend) knows exactly where and in which cabinet he keeps it.
And as it becomes clear just how many pickles Mickey keeps in his flat, the Doctor snarks to Rose, "You've kissed this man?"
And shortly before that, when the undisguised Slitheen are all clustered around the red phone impatiently waiting for the call signaling the start of nuclear war:
Ring, damn you!!
The Slitheen's demise by looking up and noticing the missile, in the midst of fighting over their skinsuits.
Rose: Um, my mother's cooking. The Doctor: Good. Put her on a slow heat and let her simmer.
Mickey lampshades how all of humanity can watch an alien invasion live on public TV and still think it's a hoax. The Doctor tells him there's a scientific explanation for that: they're thick.
When Harriet Jones is explaining about Hannibal to Rose, the Doctor stands there with a massive grin on his face because he's finally found someone who is as big as nerd as he is!
Upon exiting the TARDIS, the Doctor immediately states that they're in the year 200,000, on a space station, and that they should try that gate. Then Adam gets out, and Rose promptly "works out" the year from the architecture, the location from the sound of the engines, and decides they should try that gate.
From the beginning of the episode:
The Doctor:[describes the current location, or at least what it's supposed to be as he and Rose settle into their usual "Ooooh, look at the fabulous view!" positions] Adam:[faints] The Doctor: He's your boyfriend. Rose: Not anymore.
The best part is that neither of them even bothers to look away from the view to check what's happened as they're too busy doing what they do best - namely, admiring the (admittedly fabulous) view before disaster inevitably occurs.
When Adam begins freaking out at the thought of his family being dead, Rose offers him her phone and tells him to call home. Adam responds by asking if Earth has an area code.
Rose's immediate, vehement, and very thorough shutdown of her father's sentence of "If I was dating you..." Even funnier is that he was trying to make her feel better after it looked like she and her "boyfriend" had a falling-out, and not actually hitting on her at all.
Rose: What's the emergency? The Doctor: It's mauve. Rose: Mauve? The Doctor: Universally recognised colour for danger. Rose: What happened to red? The Doctor: That's just humans. By everyone else's standards, red's camp. Oh, the misunderstandings! All those red alerts, all that dancing...
The Doctor's Stealth Hi to Nancy and the children.
Boy #1:[takes a slice of meat] Thank you, miss. Boy #2:[takes a slice of meat] Thanks, miss. Boy #3:[takes a slice of meat] Thank you, miss. The Doctor:[takes a slice of meat] Thanks, miss! [cue panicking children]
The Doctor attempts to describe Rose, then realizes that his description of a blondewearing a Union Jack is a bit suggestive and clarifies, "I mean a specific one, I didn't just wake up this morning with a craving."
When Jack is rescuing Rose from the balloon:
Before he can pull Rose onboard, Jack asks her to do something:
Jack: Could you turn off your cellphone? [Beat] No seriously, it interferes with my instruments. [Rose rolls her eyes and does as he says] Rose: You know no one ever believes that...
The Doctor telling the zombies controlled by an Undead Child "Go to your room!" — which they do. As they shuffle away, he sighs with relief.
The Doctor: I'm really glad that worked. Those would have been terrible last words!
This exchange:
The Doctor: Barrage balloon? Rose: Yeah, about two minutes after you left me, thousands of feet above London, Union Jack all over my chest. The Doctor: I travel with a lot of people, but you're setting new records for "jeopardy friendly".
The entire Jack-meets-the-Doctor sequence, in particular the bit of dialogue where the Doctor recognises Jack's weapon:
The Doctor: Sonic blaster, 51st century... Weapon factories of Villengard? Jack: Yeah. You've been to the factories? The Doctor: Once. Jack: They're gone now. Destroyed. Main reactor went critical. Vaporised the lot. The Doctor:Like I said, once. There's a banana grove there now. I like bananas. Bananas are good.
When the gun runs out of power at a critical moment, Jack says pointedly, "I was going to replace the battery, but somebody blew up the factory."
The Doctor's tone of voice implies that said reactor going critical was not the intended outcome of his trip to the Weapon factories of Villengard.
Jack's prepared to start shooting the mutants who are trying to kill him... and then notices that the Doctor switched out his gun for a banana.
Followed by:
The Doctor: Don't drop the banana! Jack: Why not!? The Doctor: Good source of potassium!
The Doctor and Jack comparing their, ah-hem, tools.
Jack: Doc, what've ya got? The Doctor: I've got a sonic, uh... oh, never mind. Jack: What? The Doctor: It's sonic, okay? Let's leave it at that. Jack: Disrupter, cannon, what? The Doctor: It's sonic! Totally sonic! I am sonic-ed up! Jack: A sonic what?! The Doctor:SCREWDRIVER!!!! [...] Jack: Who looks at a screwdriver and thinks, "Ooh, this could be a little more sonic"? The Doctor: What, you've never been bored? Never had a long night, never had a lot of cabinets to put up?
The fact that the Doctor explained his in one sentence: he gets bored and sticks his nose into things and/or makes things.
Followed up a moment later by the Doctor trying to figure out what they have that can get them out of their current predicament:
The Doctor: Assets! Jack: Well, I've got a banana, and in a pinch you could put up some shelves... [after a bit more of a faff] Jack: Well, the "assets" conversation went in a flash, didn't it?
"Rose, I'm trying to resonate concrete."
And another one:
Mrs. Harcourt: Doctor Constantine. Dr. Constantine: Mrs. Harcourt! How much better you're looking! Mrs. Harcourt: My leg's grown back. When I came to the hospital, I had one leg. Dr. Constantine: Well there is a war on, is it... possible you miscounted?
Buried under the epic awesome and heartwarming that is the Everybody Lives moment, is this little gem:
And of course there's the very end when Jack thinks he's going to die, so he fixes himself a drink.
Jack: Last time I was sentenced to death I ordered four hyper-vodkas for my breakfast. All a bit of a blur after that. Woke up in bed with both my executioners. Lovely couple. They stayed in touch! Can't say that about most executioners.
Though the Toilet Humour is downplayed here, with Margaret getting gassy only three times, all of them are zingers.
In the opening scene, just in case Annette Badland's voice didn't clue you in, we see that Margaret is back when her stomach starts grumbling.
Margaret: Oh... do excuse me! Civic duties leave little time for a sandwich!
Jack gets pouty during Mickey and Rose's reunion:
Jack: Aw, sweet. Look at these two. How come I never get any of that? Doctor: Buy me a drink, first. Jack: Such hard work. Doctor: But worth it. (Self-satisfied smirk)
When Mickey notices someone staring at them exiting the TARDIS.
Captain Jack: Probably wondering what four people were doing inside a small, wooden box! [laughs and nudges the Doctor] Mickey: What are you captain of? The Innuendo Squad?
Margaret's excuses when questioned by Cathy Salt regarding the many suspicious deaths associated with Blaidd Drwg.
Cathy: First of all, there was the entire team of the European Safety Inspectors. Margaret: But they were French! Its not my fault if "DANGER: Explosives!" was only written in Welsh. Cathy: And then there was that accident with the Cardiff Heritage Committee. Margaret: The electrocution of that swimming pool was put down to natural wear and tear. Cathy: And then the architect? Margaret: It was raining, visibility was low. My car simply couldn't stop. Cathy: And then just recently, Mister Cleaver, the government's nuclear adviser. Margaret: Slipped on an icy patch. Cathy: He was decapitated! Margaret: It was a very icy patch.
Seeing that Cathy has to be eliminated, Margaret practically drags her out of the room with one hand and fakes a Potty Emergency to dispose of her. The growling of her stomach practically shakes the hallway!
Margaret: Ooo! My little tum is complaining. I think we might have to make a detour to the ladies. Cathy:[sheepishly] I'll wait here! Margaret: Oh, come on. All girls together! So, you were saying. These outlandish theories of yours?
In what is potentially the first poop joke of the franchise, Margaret, immediately after closing the bathroom door on poor Cathy, lets rip a mega squelchy fartnote Infamously registered by Netflix subtitles as [wet fart]. which gives the impression that she has just taken a massive dump. As we can see from inside, she did no such thing, but it's step one of lulling Cathy into a twisted sense of security as she unzips. Speaking of Cathy, the grimace on her face is priceless!
Cathy: Sounds like we got here just in time!
The sheer comedy of Cathy ignoring the signs that Margaret is transforming into an alien.
Cathy:[noticing Margaret's forehead light glowing from under the door] Is there something wrong with the lights? Margaret: Oh, they're always on the blink. I can't tell you how many memos I've sent! So, Chernobyl. Cathy: Apparently, but a thousand times worse. [all the while Margaret is growling amidst the buzzing of the light] I know it sounds absurd, there must be so many safety regulations. But Cleaver seemed to be talking about a nuclear holocaust. He almost made it sound deliberate. I mean, we're hardly the Sunday Times, we're only the Cardiff Gazette, but we still have a duty to report the facts. Margaret:[now in squelchy Slitheen voice mode] And you're going to print this information? Cathy: Are you all right? You sound a bit.... Margaret:[places skin suit on the coat hanger] Sore throat! Ahem, ahem [blatantly fake coughing]. Just a little tickle!
Half-Nightmare Fuel is Margaret placing her skin suit on the coat hanger. Half Tear Jerker is the sight of a big green alien sitting down on the toilet, feeling glum about her lost family.
When the new evil alien mayor of Cardiff finds out that the Doctor's here to see her. The Doctor arrives, tells the secretary to tell her that he's here; said secretary goes to tell her, she can be heard dropping a tea cup. Said secretary comes back out and tells the Doctor that he'll need to make an appointment.
The Doctor: She's climbing out the window, isn't she? Secretary: Yes she is. [realises what he just said]
Also of note in this bit is this: while the secretary goes out, the camera remains on the Doctor. We hear the teacup shatter, his expression doesn't really change but his eyebrows jump up and down. It has to be seen, really.
The chase scene that ensues. Among other highlights:
Mickey, who's obviously new to the "heroics" thing, crashing into a janitor while on his way to head off the mayor, and running down the hall with his foot stuck in a bucket of used paper towels.
Then the mayor uses a teleporter to get away...but with a tweak of the Doctor's sonic screwdriver, she reappears running towards the Doctor and company. Three times in a row.
The conversation between Blaine and the Doctor afterwards.
Margaret Blaine: "This is Cardiff! London doesn't care! South Wales could fall into the ocean and they wouldn't notice. Oh, I sound like a Welshman... God help me, I've gone native!"
The dinner scene between the Doctor and the Slitheen Margaret is three CMOFs in rapid succession. First she attempts to poison his drink. The Doctor casually pulls a Poisoned Chalice Switcheroo, smiling at her as he does. She then reveals her species is capable of firing poison darts from their fingertips. The Doctor simply catches the dart and responds "I knew that." Bringing the Doctor in close, she tells him that excess poison can be exhaled from the lungs. The Doctor immediately dissipates the green mist from her mouth with a spray from his breath freshener.
While Jack seems to just roll with What Not To Wear (presumably not knowing much about 2005-era pop culture), the Doctor and Rose are appropriately stunned to find themselves waking up on Big Brother and The Weakest Link respectively.
Rose: Oh my God, the android. The Anne...droid. Anne-Droid: Let's play... The Weakest Link! [the music sting plays as Rose stares in utter disbelief]
Its defictionalized game is worth a note too. Especially the beginning, where it looks like the Anne-Droid is going to be the host for the evening.
Anne-Droid: Welcome to a special edition of The Weakest Link. The nine people in the studio tonight are more used to battling intergalactic monsters.
(Anne Robinson walks onstage and unceremoniously shuts the Anne-Droid off by unplugging her)
Anne-Droid: So, Rose. What do you actually do? Rose:[light-hearted, even relaxed] I just travel about a bit. Bit of a... tourist, I suppose. [Rodrick, holding up a card saying 'Fitch', glances sideways at her] Anne-Droid: Another way of saying "unemployed". Rose: No. Anne-Droid: Have you got a job? Rose: Well... not really, no, but... Anne-Droid: Then you are unemployed and yet, you've still got enough money to buy peroxide.
Rose claims that if she opens the TARDIS console, she can tell it what to do. Uh, no, Rose — the TARDIS does what she wants, believe us on that matter! In this particular case, your wishes just happened to align with hers - mainly because she utterly loathes the existence of the Pepper Pots of Doom.
How unsubtle is Rose as Bad Wolf? To make herself notice the words, she covers a poster, several walls of graffiti... and an entire goddamn playground by writing it in chalk.
You'd imagine that, before pulling all of time and space out of someone's head, you'd say something epic or profound. But this is Nine we're talking about, so of course he makes a really, really bad pun.
The Doctor: Come here. I think you need a Doctor.
Nine? No, no — this is the Doctor in general. He's still making bad puns when Twelve rolls around!
Thirteen continues the trend. Apparently, this actually is something that's just ingrained in the Doctor.
Before his regeneration, the Ninth Doctor's brief comment about the planet Barcelona:
Ninth Doctor: They have dogs with no noses. Imagine how many times you end up telling that joke all day and it's still funny?!
As well as trying to make light of getting a new body.
Rose: You're not making sense. Ninth Doctor: I might never make sense again! I might have two heads... Or no head! Imagine that, me with no head! And don't say that's an improvement...
◊ to Soft Cell's "Tainted Love".
