Funny / Bleach (S) Abridged

Season One

• Ichigo repeatedly claims he's non-union whenever Rukia reminds him he's a Soul Reaper. He justifies it by pointing out he isn't getting paid for Soul Reaping.
• Chad's first encounter with a Hollow has him confusing it with/identifying it as Malsumis, the Abenaki chaos god. His explanation for it goes as such:
  Chad: Imagine you go to a party and there's cheesecake. You cut the cheesecake and take a bite, only to realize it is filled with bees. That is what Malsumis is like.
  Rukia: You might want to re-evaluate the situati—
  Chad: And then someone comes up, and they're like, "I have bee poison". They put it in the cake and kill the bees. But then it's poisonous. Then they say, "I also have bee antidote. It will make it safe, but some bees will live." So now you have a cake with bees that may or may not sting you. This is also Malsumis.
  Ichigo: Neat. I respect your cultural identity.
• Grand Fisher believes taunting Ichigo about his mother would break his spirit... only to end up getting beaten up offscreen while other characters comment on how stupid that was.
• When fighting Grand Fisher, Ichigo hears his mother's final thoughts. She's not very pleased about being dead.
  Saido: His mother must have recorded her final thoughts when she died. Let us hear her final words to her son.
  Masaki: Dead? Am I fucking dead?! I can't believe this! Wh- son of a bi- I ju- I'm just trying to save a kid and- the river and- god damn it! FUCK! SHITHEAD! (fades)
  Kon: ...huh.
  Saido: That was enlightening.
• Ishida makes his debut... and is revealed to be a Motor Mouth Conspiracy Theorist.
  Ichigo: You're holding a giant spirit bow, telling me Hollows are robots created by the American government, before America even existed.
• Ichigo’s plan for getting rid of a Gillian Hollow.
  Ichigo: HEY! YA BIG STUPID! GO HOME!
  Gillian: (Nods it’s head “no” )
  Ichigo: Okay that was my idea, it didn’t- I-it sounded better in my head.
• Ulquiorra and Yammy appear early randomly before Renji and Byakuya.
  Ulquiorra: We are here for... oh, sorry, is this the wrong two-person invasion set on capturing a girl? There are so many, I find it hard to keep track.
• Episode 1: Ichigo promises Rukia chocolate in exchange for being told about what the heck she is. Episode 5: Rukia lists the chocolate as she didn't get in the four months she lived in Ichigo's closet as one of her grieviances.
• Kisuke wondering out loud how Chad and Orihime's training is going. Gilligan Cut to Tsubaki chasing a screaming Orihime around the room with Chad, Yoruichi and her other Shun Shun Rikka fairies watching silently.
• Ichigo meets old man “Zangetsu” and immediately assumes that he's his Zanpakuto spirit. The old man's reaction is a confused and resounding "What!?", but he clears his throat and just goes along with it.
  • “Zangetsu's” voice actually cracks when he says "What?", which implies that his gravelly voice is an act to keep up appearances.
• Then he meets Hollow Ichigo, who's just standing there swinging his sword by the cloth. Ichigo pauses in shock for moment.
  Zangetsu: Ignore him.
  Ichigo: I caaaan't, he's staring straight at meeee.
  Hollow Ichigo: Sup?
  Zangetsu: It's best to ignore him.
• Ichigo ending his Inner world experience by just asking Zangetsu for his name.
• While most of the song My Bones May Shatter is heartfelt and played straight while Ichigo is training with Kisuke and Rukia is sentenced to be taken to the Tower of Repentance and await execution, there's this line.
  Ichigo: This guy's psychotic I think that he loves this abuse...

Season Two: Soul Society

• Ichigo's victory quote upon defeating Jidanbo:
  Ichigo: The bigger they are, the harder they die when I kill them!
• Ichigo trying to cheer up Jidanbo after he bursts into tears for being defeated.
  Ichigo: Aw come on man, you're not that bad, I'm just ridiculous!
• Gin's release incantation for Shinso is... different.
  Gin: Get rekt. SHINSO!
• Aizen's debut:
  Renji: Josh "the-joke-is-that-you're-not-Aizen" Groban, can I talk to you?
  Aizen: Yes, I'm not evil, what do you need?
• Aizen being childishly petty in his internal monologue when writing on a parchment.
  Aizen: (thinking) And then threaten Hitsugaya and make him look so stupid and-
  Momo: (interrupting) Josh Groban? Are you in there?
  Aizen: Yes I'm not evil and home.
  Momo: I was outside and I saw you walking home and I noticed you dropped your shoe and I thought I should return it to you because reasons!
  Aizen: Reapers don't wear shoes.
  Momo: I'm tired! Can I sleep with you, Josh Groban?
  Aizen: Yes. But only because Gin is definitely the bad guy.
  Momo: Where's your bed?
  Aizen: We're Japanese, Momo. The whole floor is our bed!
  Momo: Yaaaay!
  Aizen: (resuming writing) Once all the other Captains are fighting, then you must murder Momo Hinamori, and then you take advantage of the confusion and then punch Ichigo in the-
  Momo: I love you, Josh Groban.
  Aizen: Have an album, Momo. (sprouts one from his shoulder)
• Kenpachi getting annoyed at encountering so many dead ends as he hunts down the ryoka. Yachiru informs him that they are in fact "cuddle nooks" created by the 4th Division.
• Tatsufusa, the 3rd seat of 8th Division mocking Chad by impersonating him.
  Tatsufusa: (while rapidly swinging his sword) Invader! The time has come to face the wrath of my people! I shall now call upon the ultimate power of them! The good luck bear! And the great god Malsumis! Responsible for such things as bees in cheesecake!
  (Chad sends him flying with a Megaton Punch)
  Chad: Stop mocking my people. It is not funny!
• When Byakuya catches Ganju and Hanataro attempting to rescue Rukia.
  Ganju: What's he doing here?
  Rukia: He comes here every day to read depressing poetry to me.
  Ganju: What a guy, that's a class act...
  Hanataro: (with heroic music playing) You guys stay here. (walks outside to meet Byakuya) For the sake of all that is free and huggable, I'll distract him!
  Rukia: Hanataro, no!
  Ganju: There goes a true hero. I'll tell my kids the story of this day, when I watched such a brave man lay down his life for his comrades...
  Hanataro: (music abruptly stops) The invaders are in there, sir.
  Byakuya: Thanks.
  Ganju: Hey! (gets shredded with Senbonzakura)
  • Later on in that episode after Ganju falls down with critical wounds.
    Hanataro: So, am I still in trouble?
    Byakuya: So much trouble.
• After Yoruichi reveals her human form to Ichigo after transforming from her cat form, she continues to prank him.
  Yoruichi: (in the same deep voice she had as a cat) Woman? Why yes I am. Now check this thing out. This flying device I made-
  Ichigo: YOU STOP SOUNDING LIKE A MAN THIS INSTANT!
  Yoruichi: (in a more feminine voice) Party pooper.
• The final Brick Joke relating to the chocolate, as Ichigo catches up to Rukia in Soul Society.
  Ichigo: Rukia... I brought you this.
  Rukia: That's a picture of Josh Groban.
  Ichigo: Is it? Uhh, wait, wait, chocolate bar!
  Rukia: I don't want it!
  Ichigo: Nani?
  Rukia: I'm resigned to my death, I don't want you to save me, you idiot! Why would I want to go back to closet land?!
  Ichigo: Now you look here: I almost became a Hollow, I fought Kisuke for ten days, I beat Renji, the big stupid at the gate, GOT SHOT OUT OF A CANNON, AND BEAT KENPACHI TO GET HERE!
  Rukia: You beat Kenpachi…?
  Ichigo: YES. I BEAT MR. BROKEN GAME MECHANICS! So you're going to shut up, and let me rescue you! I'm in no mood for attitude!
  Rukia: We've been trying to kill Kenpachi for ages…
• Ukitake thinks Yoruichi knocking out Ichigo means she's on their side. Byakuya is happy about this.
  Byakuya: Sweet, she's hot.
• Rukia lampshading how Yoruichi left her behind with Ichigo.
  Rukia: Yay, I'm saved...
• Ichigo being outraged at Urahara for not telling him about Bankai.
  Ichigo: Kisuke has a way of training to achieve this thing called "Bankai", it grants immense unfathomable power. And in my ten days of training he didn't even BRING IT UP, LET ALONE USE IT?!
  Yoruichi: You're so cute when you're angry.
  Ichigo: I hate him so much! How did he hook up with a babe like you?! (beat) ...it's the hat!
  Yoruichi: It's all the hat.
  Ichigo: (relenting) It's a great hat.
• Renji getting genuinely upset that Ichigo is wary of him wanting to train with them for his Bankai, complete with sad music.
  Ichigo: If Renji can track us down, anyone can.
  Zangetsu: He's got a point.
  Renji: (on the verge of tears) Hey shut up! Maybe I just wanted to show you I cared! Think of that? Renji being a nice guy? Is that so impossible?! I feel so stupid! I just wanted to train for Bankai with you! Now I wanna Ban-Cry!
  (Quip to Black complete with 'Le Fin' caption)
• Gin and Toshiro's fight.
  Izuru: I'm scared of everything that's happening!
  Gin: Well, this is bad...
  Toshiro: This is the end, Gin!
  Gin: Yeah? Well what if I just calmly walked away?
  Toshiro: He's using a peaceful protest! Damn it!
  Gin: Ciao, bella. Mmm~
• When Renji unleashes his Bankai against Byakuya.
  Renji: Yes I've got Bankai! You want Bankai?! Here's Bankai! BANKAI!! Hihio Giant-Snake-Baboon-Makes-The-Fangirls-Shudder-
  Byakuya: (interrupting) Stop doing that thing you do.
  Renji: (petulantly) No! I like doing that thing I do, I won't stop ever!
  Byakuya: Well then. I suppose I can't force you to- Oh wait yes I can, I'm amazing.
• Renji being defeated by Byakuya.
  Byakuya: (after Renji's sword breaks in his last ditch attack) Nice.
  Renji: Aight... I'm out. (collapses).
  Byakuya: I entrust to you this, the Scarf of You-Did-Okay-But-Not-Great. May it bring you luck. Next stop, Rukia's death. That should cheer me up.
• Yamamoto lampshading how ridiculously extreme Rukia's death sentence is as he says it.
  Yamamoto: We sentence Rukia now for crimes against Soul Society such as: Not Dying and Saving A Family From Dying. We shall allow her soul to pass to the next life through the most sacred of honors, the Giant Flaming Chicken Stick. Which is definitely not an overreaction...
• Ichigo vs. Byakuya. Final round.
  Byakuya: I hate you so much.
  Ichigo: HATE YOU TOO! PERSONAL SPACE!
• "You wouldn’t kill a sickly old man and a drunk, would you?" Nanao says to the old man.
  Jushiro: Give me just like, two minutes and I’ll probably drop dead.
  Kyoraku: I don't even know who I am, magic bowling ball zombie.
  • Then when Yamamoto states he's going to burn them alive (because those are the rules, apparently...);
  Nanao: I'm not with them.
  Jushiro: Traitor.
  Nanao: Dead man walking.
  • They're all intimidated by Yamamoto's old yet ripped body. Nanao even passes out from trying to process it.
• Sui-Feng vs Yoruichi, who's plunging the former off a cliff.
  Sui-Feng: This is the wrong way to pick up women you creep!
  Yoruichi: Hey there, sexy.
  Sui-Feng: I didn't mean what I said.
  • The Stealth Force vs Yoruichi.
  Sui-Feng: Stealth Force! Annihilate Yoru-(Yoruichi takes them all out in an literal instant)-i...chi...
  Yoruichi: Uh huh?
  Sui-Feng: Screw you.
  Yoruichi: I'll think about it.
  • Yoruichi and Sui-Feng's Pummel Duel is vocally framed as a Wimp Fight.
  • Yoruichi commenting out how OP Suzumebachi is, and "betting" that it won't kill anyone important. Yoruichi also takes a jab at how much Sui-Feng sucks at hitting any of the many ”bitchin’ tattoos” (As Sui-Feng calls them) that she left all over Yoruichi's body.
  Sui-Feng: S-stupid! I'm not missing! I'm just increasing my number of targets!
  • Sui-Feng unleashing Shunkō (Or "Swirly thing" as she calls it), her secret ultimate technique that's "totally worth abandoning her one hit kill for" (Her words). Then Yoruichi does the same thing.
  Yoruichi: I'm gonna have to make you feel kinda terrible.
  Sui-Feng: Noooooo...!
  Yoruichi: Swirly thing!
  Sui-Feng: Stop doing my secret technique!
• Just when Ichigo is finally used to not saying Getsuga Tensho, he's finally at the point where he knows the technique.
  Ichigo: SWORD SLA-hold on, I know this sword strike's name now. GETSUGA TENSHO! Or Piercing Heaven, whichever you prefer.
  • "[Insert attack name in Japanese]. Or [Attack name in English], whichever you prefer."
• Ichigo pointing out to Byakuya that Bankai, a technique that a supposedly select few Reapers in history can achieve, is something that a lot of Soul Reapers now know.
  • Ichigo calling Byakuya's Bankai uncreative for making more flower petals... while he's getting his ass kicked by it.
  Byakuya: Seems to be working pretty well.
  Ichigo: Damn... I must have allergies if this phases me...!
  Byakuya: Right. It's definitely not the one hundred-thousand flower petals that are rushing through your body at high speeds.
  Ichigo: I knew that I wouldn't be able to dodge your Bankai. But I had to try anyway...
  Byakuya: Great strategy. Well thought out.
• Byakuya monologuing how it's impossible that Ichigo was able to achieve Bankai, just like how it was impossible that he survived their first fight, beat Kenpachi and invaded Soul Society. Without a hint of irony.
• Ichigo and Byakuya throwing Haiku at each other.
• Toshiro naming Central 46 out loud, with only Rangiku around.
  Rangiku: Thanks flight attendant, I know where we are.
  Toshiro: Some people might not. Central 46, head of all-
  Rangiku: Open the door.
  • Speaking of the door, its defense mechanism is made of swords.
    Toshiro: Talk about a cutting-edge design.
• Byakuya claims that the law of Soul Society clutches the soul of every reaper. Then Ichigo proceeds to name every Soul Reaper who's opposed or disobeyed Soul Society law up to this point (even ones he shouldn't even know the names of), including Byakuya's own name. In total: Nearly half of the 13 Captains, 8 Lieutenants, and countless seated members, including all of Squad 11. He even takes a breath because the list is so long. Hell, he says that word for word with a smug smirk.
• Byakuya's reaction to Ichigo deflecting all of his petals.
  Byakuya: The fuuuuuuuuuuck?
  • Then his reaction to Ichigo stabbing him at the side.
  Byakuya: (grabs Ichigo's sword by the blade) Gimme your sword!
  Ichigo: No, it's mine!
  Byakuya: (with the same monotone) YOU'RE MAKING ME USE MY OUTSIDE VOICE.
• Ichigo calls Byakuya's Senkei technique the "Unlimited Blade Works of flower petals"
  Ichigo: Swag.
• Komamura and Tōsen debut, and are both The Unintelligible. The former just barks and howls, the latter mumbles incoherently. Kenpachi becomes extremely frustrated while fighting them for this reason.
  • Tōsen unleashes his Bankai, and starts speaking normally, but Kenpachi's senses are muted, meaning it's pointless. Not that that stops Tōsen from talking.
  Kenpachi: You're not monologuing to yourself, are you? I feel like you are...
  • Tōsen realizing he's in trouble when Kenpachi thwarts his Bankai's effect.
    Kenpachi: Gotcha, bitch! (grabs his sword) Fancy seeing you here...
    Tōsen: Please don't hurt me...
    Kenpachi: No. (slashes him)
    Tōsen: Ow, my expectations!
  • Kenpachi breaks Komamura's armor, and realizes why he's only been barking.
  Kenpachi: (deadpan) I'm not sure what I was expecting.
  • Turns out Komamura can talk, much to Aizen's surprise. But even he can't understand Tōsen's mumbling.
  Komamura: Tōsen! Explain yourself! Why are you going with the Josh Groban?!
  Aizen: Woah, hey, he can talk? Mind blown.
  Tōsen: Hhhfactamatterisimustgo. Hhhcmmirabecauseifidont. JUSTICEwillneverbeuphold.
  Komamura: I DON'T UNDERSTAND! LIKE, I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU ANYMORE!
• When Aizen's evil plan is revealed, he acts very much like Carl from Llamas with Hats.
  Ichigo: Who's that guy?
  Rukia: Evil Captain who's trying to kill everyone.
  Aizen: Whoa now, who said I'm trying to kill everyone? I'm just destabilizing a working system and destroying reality.
  Ichigo: Listen you Josh Groban-looking motherfucker! That kills people!
  Aizen: Well maybe I didn't know that!
• Renji not appreciating his abilities being critiqued.
  Renji: Ichigo let me do this thing. Once I do it though I can't use my sword again for a full day, and it takes all my spirit energy.
  Ichigo: That's a stupid ability.
  Renji: YOU'RE A STUPID ABILITY!
• Aizen being repeatedly interrupted by Renji, Komamura and Orihime when he is attempting to explain his plan.
  Aizen: (on the fourth attempt) All I wanted... no? Nothing this time? Okay!
  • Also Gin subduing Orihime, Uryu, Chad, Ganju and Makizo with his spiritual pressure while loudly humming. He later refers to it as "Mmm'ing them into submission".
    Aizen: My plan's simplicity is its beauty. All I wanted-
    Orihime: Ichigo! We came at a cinematically appropriate moment to help!
    Gin: And what a help you'll be! MMMMMMMM~
    (Uryu and Orihime collapse from the pressure)
    Chad: No! If you fall he wins!

Memories of Nobody

• Ichigo and Rukia pondering about what to do with the Blanks.
  Ichigo: What would Soul Society do in this situation?
  Rukia: Execute everyone involved.
  Ichigo: Let's do the opposite.
• Graveyards: Natures Google+. Everyone's there, but no one's alive.
• Ichigo calls Kisuke for an update on the situation. Kisuke responds with what Aizen must be doing with the Hogyoku, rather than information about the Blanks.
  Ichigo: Kisuke, get with this! I'm on about the Blanks right now; Aizen doesn't matter this week.
  (Kisuke hangs up in disgust)
  Ichigo: Everybody's rude today!
• Kisuke’s refusal to help for some reason.
  Orihime: We have to help him!
  Kisuke: We don't have spirit bodies, we can't help him.
  Chad: Mr. Kisuke, you're a Soul Reaper. You can help.
  Kisuke: I said, we don't have spirit bodies. We cant help him!
  Uryu: You're entirely capable-
  Kisuke: No I'm not! Shut up!
• Ichigo going to fight the Dark Ones on his own while Rukia calls Soul Society for back up.
  Rukia: Now to call Yamamoto for help. How hard could it possibly be?
  Mayuri: And that’s my list of reasons why we ABSOLUTELY should not help.
  Yamamoto: Those are good reasons.
  Sui-Feng: Let’s listen to those reasons.
  Mayuri: I feel like we’re all on the same page right now!
  • It turns out to be easier than Rukia thought, even if she had no idea what the Dark Ones were trying to do.
  Rukia: Th-They're doing a... I'm... It's unclear but it's definitely a thing! It must be important if we're on wide screen!
  Yamamoto: A thing? I take all things equally seriously! We must act!
• Ichigo doesn't know/remember Toshiro (Despite meeting him at Kisuke's place) or any of the Soul Reapers helping him aside from Ikkaku ("I haven't forgotten being tricked, long horn!") and Yumichika (and Kenpachi of course), though he doesn't remember their names. After introductions are done, he calls Toshiro "little Sephiroth".
• Each of the Dark Ones die while giving Hidden Depths as last words. Which is obviously mocking the fact that they’re filler villains no one cares about.
• Rangiku savouring one of her few wins.
  Rangiku: Ten points to the poor man's Senbonzakura.
• Sui-Feng saving an oblivious Yumichika from getting shot.
  Yumichika: I hope nobody unaesthetic shoots an arrow at me! Good thing that hasn't happened!
• Kenpachi is disappointed about his opponent;
  Yachiru: Kennyyyy! Why do we get to fight the stupid one!?
  Kenpachi: Because... life hates us.
  [...]
  Kenpachi: (Looking at a shuriken he caught out of the air) Oh hey, there's writing here!
  Mue: Wait... there is? What does it say?
  Kenpachi: It says "property of the worst fight ever." RETURN TO SENDER! (Throws it at Mue)
  • Mue, on the other hand, is terrified.
  Mue: Don't panic Mue, just use your-(Bumps into Kenpachi and runs) AH SHIT! AH SHIT! AH SHIT! AH SHIT!
  Kenpachi: You can't run! That's not how this goes down!
  Mue: You're gonna murder me!
  Kenpachi: Well yeah, but it'll suck for both of us if you're a baby about it!
• Toshiro goes on Kirk Summation while fighting Riyan... who can't hear him because of the distance.
  Toshiro: You're the worst kind of hipsters!
• Ganryu doing backstory while he has Ichigo trapped.
  Ganryu: A thousand years ago, my clan was banished by soul so-
  Ichigo: Ah stop. Stop doing backstory, please!
  Ganryu: SHUT UP AND LISTEN!
• Yamamoto finding the Court Guards winning the battle and still being in Valley of Spirits to be a good time to blow up the Valley of Spirits.
  Yamamoto: Chicken stick GO!
  Jushiro: Commander-!
  Yamamoto: Chicken stick go!
• In a Black Comedy sense, Ichigo and Rukia lose their memories of Senna while in the middle of mourning her, and go right back to bickering.
  Ichigo: Even if I forget her, right now, I still remember. Her voice is still there... Rukia... that dress looks like an eggplant, it's ridiculous! Also, graveyards?! What's up with that, why are we here?
  Rukia: A Hollow must've LURED US HERE!
  Ichigo: Rukia, not everything is a Hollow! Some stuff is Aizen!

Season Three: Protect Karakura

• Ichigo not tolerating being shouted at by Shinji during their meeting where he reveals his identity as a Visored.
  Ichigo: I'll catch you later! (moves to leave)
  Shinji: Hey get back here! God damn it, do you know how long I've been rehearsing this meeting?! Enigmatic offers don't just happen, you idiot!
  Ichigo: Hey. Shinji. You know what?
  Shinji: What?
  Ichigo: I do not care for being yelled at. I have feelings, and you hurt those feelings.
  Shinji: I, uh...
  Ichigo: Please say sorry.
  Shinji: Uh, sorry...
  Ichigo: Now the healing can begin. Another time. Later!
• Chad's quirkiness is too much even for the usually unflappable Ulquiorra to handle.
  Chad: (after saving Tatsuki from a kick from Yammy) Not today, foot! Great spirits from the world beyond, praise be to you! I am Chad, the conduit for your brother god Malsumis! In the name of my ancestors I implore you not to lay waste to this world!
  Yammy: (confused) ...Ulquiorra?
  Ulquiorra: (unnerved) Don't look at me, Yammy.
• Ulquiorra repeatedly being told by first Orihime, Ichigo and Yoruichi not to intervene while they're dealing with Yammy, and he does what they say.
  Ulquiorra: We're getting off target here. I'm going to intervene.
  Orihime: Not so fast!
  Ulquiorra: Oh, okay I'll wait.
  • He eventually does step in when Urahara joins in and attacks Yammy.
    Ulquiorra: I've decided to move after all. I'm beginning to think you don't have my best interests in mind.
• Renji doing that thing he does with [First name] [rapid-fire summary of them] [Last name] makes him sound ridiculous when he's meant to be undercover as a new student.
  Renji: Hello Ichigo Fellow-Student-Who-We-Are-Also Kurosaki. We're here as new students who have never met you. Nice to meet you, what's your name?
• When Rukia pulls out Ichigo's soul from his body to fight a hollow, the other students watching are understandably a bit disturbed.
  Ikkaku: He's dead, we killed him. Go tell everyone!
• Ulquiorra gives Aizen the abridged memories of what happened when he and Yammy went to the human world. Aizen complains on how the abridged memories make the events and characters seem more absurd than they were originally, and how many people end up sounding like the same guy. The he notes that some memories are missing, and demands them back. Ulquiorra exasperatedly notes that some memories have been blocked, one in five to be exact.
  Aizen: The twelfth memory is blocked only in Germany.
  Ulquiorra: I still haven't figured that one out. I'm working on it.
• Ichigo and Rukia Breaking the Fourth Wall about Chad.
  Ichigo: Rukia, there's Hollows!
  Rukia: I know, I know! 'Kay, the closest one is heading towards... your Mexican Native American friend.
  Ichigo: He's of the East Canadian Abenaki people actually.
  Rukia: While also being from Mexico and living in Japan.
  Ichigo: Yeah.
  Rukia: What a specifically general thing that is.
  Ichigo: Can we talk about how many people can't spell Malsumis for a second?
• Renji's attempt at a Badass Boast against Yylfordt:
  Renji: I am Abarai Renji. A lieutenant of the 13 Court Guard Squads. Victor against opponents such as— (Beat) I'M A FAILURE!
  Yylfordt: Wait, what?
  Renji: Are we counting the Bount Arc!? NO, OF COURSE NOT, WHY WOULD WE?
  Yylfordt: What's happening?
  Renji: WHAT’S YOUR NAME?!
  Yylfordt: (as Zabimaru grabs him) AHH, WHAT'S HAPPENING?!
  Renji: WHAT'S YOUR NAME?! I NEED TO KNOW YOUR NAME!
  Yylfordt: Yylfordt Granz!
  Renji: You have to die! I'LL REMEMBER YOU FONDLY, FORD FIESTA! (blasts him Hikotsu Taihō)
  Yylfordt: WHAT'S GOING OOOOOOOOON?! (gets vaporized)
  Renji: Renji Abarai. Victor against such opponents as Ford Fiesta!
• Aizen uses his Shikai to troll people even when not present by causing everyone who says his real name to be replaced with "Josh Groban". Ichigo is the only one who notices, being one of the few to not be affected by Kyoka Suigetsu. It even effects the Vizard.
  • Aizen is also the one responsible for Tōsen's incomprehensible speech. But since he, Gin, and Tōsen are similarly exempt from Kyoka Suigetsu, this means that Aizen and Gin pretend to not understand Tōsen to keep the joke going.
    • Ichigo can also understand Tōsen, much to the latter's surprise.
    Tōsen: (to Grimmjow) Hhlordaizendidnotorderthisreturntolasnochesimmediately.
    Grimmjow: ...Something... about nachos?
    Ichigo: You should listen to him!
    Tōsen: Wait. You understand me?
    Ichigo: Yeah? Can't other people?
    Tōsen: Hmm. Weird.
    (one episode later)
    Tōsen: Lordaizen, Imustaskyousomething.
    Aizen: Ask me what, Tōsen? Who I am repeating for no particular reason.
    Tōsen: Hhwhycouldichigounderstandmewhenispeak?
    Aizen: Why could Ichigo understand you? Why, my dear Tōsen, I hear the new generation is more in touch with their spiritual side. He probably understood your feelings. Oh look at my wrist all of a sudden! It's time to leave the room.
• Rukia beginning an episode being completely distracted by Pokémon GO.
  Ichigo: Rukia there's Hollows! Rukia! Rukia. Rukia...
  Rukia: (staring at her phone) Yup.
  Ichigo: Hollows...?
  Rukia: Yyyup.
  Ichigo: Hey, Rukia... is that uh... is that Pokemon Go I see there? In your hands right now?
  Rukia: Yup.
  Ichigo: (voice going high pitched) Are you playing Pokemon Go right now? On the show, being all topical on the show Bleach? Topical, Pokemon Go?
  Rukia: Yup.
• Ichigo's inner Hollow makes him face illusions of past opponents to make a point. One of them, however, is not your classic example of this trope.
  Apparition of Byakuya: I am the Spirit of Battles Won, the Fear of Being Powerless in the Face of Danger.
  Apparition of Kariya: I am the Spirit of Battles Never Fought, the Fear of the Unknown.
  Apparition of Kenpachi: I am the Spirit of Battles With KENPACHI! The Fear of KENPACHI!!!
  • The conversation with Kariya is also funny, because the Bount Arc was skipped. And it turns out White meant to show him Aizen.
  Kariya: (outraged) You skipped me!
  • Hollow Ichigo messing up his King and Horse analogy.
    Hollow Ichigo: Do you know why the king rides the horse?
    Ichigo: No I don't!
    Hollow Ichigo: It's because the horse has instinct! The king is on top because... wait, hold on. King's on top because... he has instinct! Wait, then the horse doesn't, so if the person's instinct... aw man I worked through this whole thing earlier and it made total sense!
    Ichigo: Hey...
    Hollow Ichigo: Just give me a second I got this! The king does not have instinct, so the horse is on bottom because... he has instinct... oh fuckin- but what does the king have?! Ah, fuck it, think fast! (throws sword at Ichigo).
• Urahara summing up his teaching methods.
  Urahara: I call this grieviously injuring someone until either they leave me alone or get stronger and I take credit for it!
• Yamamoto becoming obsessed with Aizen's cryptic message "GERSBERMS MAH FRAVRIT BERKS" for several episodes.
• Drugged up Yammy after he gets his arm reattached.
  Ulquiorra: Has your surgery gone well, Yammy? How do you feel?
  Yammy: Like bacon sandwich ou'ah 'cause I'm a pancake flying through a train station at nine o'clock!
  Ulquiorra: ...you're drugged aren't you?
  Yammy: In a balloon!
  Ulquiorra: You've done good work, Doctor Mayweather.
  Mayweather: It took 18 horse tranquilizers to get him to stop fidgeting. 26 to finally get him immobile.
  Yammy: I wanna go on a train.
  Mayweather: I have a cone he should probably be wearing.
  Ulquiorra: Your handiwork is exemplary. I myself am an admirer of the medical sciences. Perhaps someday you and I should meet for Arrancar coffee and discuss theories about- (Yammy punches her) -oh she's dead.
  Yammy: I WANNA GO ON A TRAIN!
  Ulquiorra: Why must you break the things I love?
  Yammy: My heart is made of teabags!
  Ulquiorra: Well at least that's cleared up.
• After Grimmjow gets demoted, Aizen makes it a point to rub that fact into his face. Grimmjow obviously hates being trolled by someone he can't just beat into submission.
  Aizen: Just to be clear. Espadas ten and six. Also Grimmjow. Grimmjow and two Espadas.
  Grimmjow: (seething) Understood, sir.
  Aizen: (chuckles) Yes, Grimmjow, hmm. And two Espadas. Ten and six.
  • It's not just Aizen:
  Ulquiorra: Your friends are falling, one by one, to the Espada (and also Grimmjow), who we sent into the city.
  Orihime: Why would the Espada (and Grimmjow) do this?!
• Ukitake and Rukia's conversation about the third Espada incursion.
  Ukitake: Hey Kuchiki! Four Espada level Arrancar invaded the world of the living!
  Rukia: I'll head out there immediately, sir! We should mobilize my brother and several other captains.
  Ukitake: I-I don't think that'll be necessary.
  Rukia: But if we crush four of their heaviest hitters, that'll be a major victory!
  Ukitake: Yeah, I just... don't think it's necessary.
  Rukia: Let's throw Kenpachi at them!
  Ukitake: Okay, now you're just being a contrarian.
• Ulquiorra generously granting Orihime's requests to take an extra sweater, sketchbook, pencil and Pokemon Go to Hueco Mundo, even if he's a bit dubious about the last one.
  Ulquiorra: I don't think people are still playing that that much but sure. Though I don't know what your signal strength would be like, but anyways... Orihime Inoue, in 24 hours you will give up everything that has defined your life until this point... except your sweater, sketchpad and Pokemon Go.
  • Later on, a bored Aizen orders Ulquiorra repeatedly to confiscate them so that he can sketch all the pokemon she won't be catching.
• Speaking of Grimmjow, once he gets his arm back, he kills Luppi like in canon. Unlike in canon, he asks Orihime to bring him back, so he can kill him again. And again. And again, for a total of four times.

The Diamond Dust Rebellion Abridged

• Soi Fon's exit after telling Ichigo to mind his own business.
  Soi Fon: I'm leaving. And I'm taking the crime scene with me.
  Ichigo: You're what?!
  Soi Fon: CSI no Jutsu!
• After Rangiku explains that Hitsugaya hates Christmas / his birthday because something bad happened on it that no one knows about, Renji has a thought:
  Renji: Rangiku, is Toshiro Jesus?
  Rangiku: No Renji. He's not.
  Renji: Just checking.
• Renji puts on Hitsugaya's abandoned Captain's coat. After a brief second of enjoying the thought of Captain Renji, he realizes the coat still has blood all over it. And Rukia points out that what he's doing is illegal.
• Kira and Hisagi go to the human world to arrest Hitsugaya. Let's just say the entire conversation breaks down very quickly...
  Hisagi: Captain Hitsugaya, we're here to escort you back to the Sereitei. Please-
  Hitugaya: Escort? Oh yeah! I'm sure all these soldiers are here to carry my stuff for me!
  Hisagi: They're… insurance.
  Hitsugaya: Against what?
  Kira: C'mon captain, you know how you can be...you know...
  Hitsugaya: Kira, you shithead!! Last time I saw you, you were helping Gin escape the central command chamber! You got played like a fiddle, while he almost murdered Momo!
  Hisagi: This isn't the time to bring up Momo.
  Hitsugaya: And don't even get me started on you! How's big buddy Tousen treating you there, Hisagi? Man, you're one stellar judge of character! Better listen to the guy who's so committed to the cause, that he wouldn't even use his Shikai against Yumichika cuz he's such a freaking hippie!
  Kira: Ouch.
  Hitsugaya: I don't know why Soul Society would send the two lieutenants with the worst history of critical thinking after me but I'm not going back.
  Hisagi: Correct me if I'm wrong captain. But wouldn't the worst critical thinker in Soul Society… be Momo...?
  Hitsugaya: (comes out) Them's fighting words.
  (cue fight)
  • During the fight, Kira realizes that negotiations broke down and quickly asks Hisagi to apologize. Instead Hisagi keeps pressing the button by lampshading Hitsugaya's tendency to inflict Friendly Fire.
  Kira: Hisagi, what the fuck!?
  Hitsugaya: Merry Christmas, Hisagi! I'VE GOT YOU DEEEEEAATH!!!
  • Bakudo 62 (Hundred Steps Fence) is called in here Olympic Pole Barrage.
  • After Hitsugaya gets hit by The Pole Barrage because he failed to Flash Step to the side, Kira once again tries to ease things by apologizing on Hisagi's behalf... then Hisagi presses the button again.
  Hisagi: It's not my fault this brat keeps hurting all his friends.
  • Kira innocently states that it's not like anyone actually died from his friendly fire incidents. This doesn't stop from Hitsugaya unleashing his Bankai on them.
  Kira: (Calmly) I hate you, Hisagi.
• We get a glimpse into what drives Kisuke when he starts sleep talking.
  Kisuke: Zzz... gotta prove... I'm better than Aizen... zzz...
  Kisuke: Zzz... no, no, Yoruichi, why did you invite Soi Fon? She has a kniiiife! Nooooo...
• Rukia and Renji act like Film Noir detectives as a joke... and Renji proceeds to keep doing it long after Rukia has stopped.
  Renji: It was a dark night, a cold night, a dark, cold night; I was Renji. I'm a detective.
• Unohana dealing with the injured Kyoraku.
  Unohana: I need 20 CC's of Bourbon, stat!
• Ichigo and Soi Fon having a furious argument for nearly a full minute as Kusaka is about to enact his scheme.
  Soi Fon: Ichigo you thoughtless nitwit! What are you doing?
  Ichigo: Don't you start with me Soi Fon, it's your fault this got this far!
  Soi Fon: You're blaming me for this?! Go to hell!
  Ichigo: Get bent you emotionally stunted half-ninja!
  Soi Fon: How dare you mock the Stealth Corps like this!
  (both yelling over each other)
  Kusaka: And yet soon both of you shall...
  (Ichigo and Soi Fon still arguing loudly in the background)
  Kusaka: um... are you going to just keep on going?
• Renji being rather upset that he pretty much gets defeated by a non-canon fireball and is salty about it for the rest of the movie.

Season Four: Invasion of Hueco Mundo

• The season is set up to be one long How I Met Your Mother parody, with Ichigo from the future telling his kids the story on how he saved Orihime.
  • When White interrupts Ichigo's thoughts with his own commentary, Future!Ichigo pauses in his story to admit that, no, White is not going to go away anytime soon.
    Future!Ichigo: Kids, I'd like to tell you that the voices in my head stopped one day. They never did. Sometimes, you just gotta buckle down and accept your situation for what it is, head-demons and all.
  • During one segment, Live Action Kazui grows so exasperated with Ichigo's rambling that he hides his face in the hair from his bright orange wig.
  • In another moment, when Current!Ichigo is being annoyed by Nel, he swears that he's never having kids. Gilligan Cut to Kazui and Giko looking outraged, forcing Future!Ichigo to sheepishly apologize.
• Aizen's Orcus on His Throne behavior has made him even more bored than ever. To relieve his boredom, he's having the Espada call him by different titles. Ulquiorra is to call him "Lord Smash Master Groban" at the beginning of the episode, and "Lord Joshington III, Slayer of the Silk Minotaur" at the end, which he does without a hint of irony.
  • Also Aizen ordering Grimmjow to do mundane things like go to the human world and bring him Chinese food. Given how much Aizen liked messing with him earlier, that's probably something he'd do just to annoy him.
• Uryu assigning them roles in their "heist" of Las Noches.
  Uryu: Chad is the muscle, I am the brains, and you...
  Ichigo: ...and me?
  Uryu: You are the asspull.
  Ichigo: ...yeah, I am.
• When the tide turns in the battle between Aisslinger and Uryu.
  Aisslinger: I shall rain down upon you countless arrows to shear and render your flesh! Countless arrows! COUNTLESS I SAY!! ...What are you doing?!
  Uryu: I am matching the full force of your wrath with a moderate amount of effort. Your output of 108 tiny bolts of reishi falls rather short.
  Aisslinger: Do not count my countless arrows! They will cease to be countless when counted!
  Uryu: You should know Aisslinger, this paltry display of 108 bolts isn't worth the vocal volume you're warranting it. I am capable of over ten times this amount.
  Aisslinger: ...you're bluffing!
  Uryu: Get flubbertrucked, flubbertrucker.
  Future!Ichigo: Not what he said, kids. Don't ever copy uncle Ishida.
• Everything Nel says is a riot.
  Ichigo: Just to be clear... do you work for Aizen? Uhh... Josh Groban, I mean?
  Nel: (gasps) You're here to smash big ol' J. Grobo off his marble sitting throne?!
  Dondochakka: That's our best friend court's secret mega mission!
  Ichigo: What were you guys gonna do against Josh Groban?
  Nel: Same things we used to do to everyone we bump into! We challenge them to play tag against us, and when we tag 'em 'cuz we has more people, we win! It's super fun. Then we eats 'em!
  Ishida: I'm sorry?
  Nel: We play tag, then we eats 'em. It's a jungle out here!
  Pesche: Survival of the fittest to tag!
• Aizen further trolling Grimmjow by stating that by him leaving the meeting that he has just quit the Espada again. He makes Gin Espada 6 in his place.
  Gin: But sir, I can't be an Espada. I lack Hollow powers, mmm~
  Aizen: Well darn, we'll have to replace you while you're fixing that. Let's see. Oh, Grimmjow are you busy at the moment?
  Grimmjow: (seething on the floor after being subdued by Aizen's spiritual pressure) Groban...!
  Aizen: Excellent. Grimmjow will be the stand-in 6th Espada until Gin completes his training.
• Ashido's Filler Arc happens offscreen between episodes 25 and 26, and in that time, he apparently becomes close with everyone. After his Heroic Sacrifice, Renji, of all people, is the one who points out that they have no idea who he was and that they'll never mention him again. It's especially hilarious if you're binge-watching the episodes; many a viewer admitted they were tricked into thinking that they skipped an episode by accident.
  • Speaking of Renji, Aizen learns that Szayel holds a grudge against him for killing his brother (unlike canon), and is under the impression that he's a powerful warrior. Aizen can't hide his disappointment.
    • And speaking of Aizen, his usual magnificence takes a hit when it turns out he has no idea who Chad and Ishida are, and tries to save face.
      Aizen: Renji though! Gin?
      Gin: Renji though!
      Aizen: It's almost upsetting... no, no there it is, it's upsetting. Gin, I'm upset.
      Gin: Set that was previously down is now up!
      Aizen: Oof. But seriously though, who are Sado and Ishida?
• In a bit of Black Comedy, Renji attempts to compliment Ichigo for his ability. It doesn't work.
  Ichigo: -TENSHOU!! (breaks a hole in the wall)
  Renji: Is there anything that massive blasts of energy can't solve?!
  Ichigo: It can't bring my mom back to life.
  Renji: ...You're a real fun guy sometimes, Ichigo.
• Dordoni is somehow the only Spanish character in the entire Spanish themed world of Hueco Mundo. His nickname for Ichigo is "El Zanahoria" (the carrot), which he inexplicably mispronounces (the h is supposed to be silent).
• Ulquiorra checking in on Orihime.
  Ulquiorra: (deadpan) Ring ring.
  Orihime: Aahh! Sorry did I do something?! Is Lord Aizen angry with me?
  Ulquiorra: I don't know what a Lord Aizen is. Did Lord Joshington III command you to call him that?
  Orihime: Those were words.
• When Orihime notes everyone in Hueco Mundo seems so mean, Ulquiorra lists off some nice people, getting Starrk and Harribel before admitting she's right about how everyone else is pretty much a dick (including most likely himself).
• Gin trolling Kaname by stating the only reason someone like him being in the observation room would that he's there to make an announcement, goading him into mumbling over the PA system.
  Gin: I see, you were going to make an announcement over the PA System... obviously.
  Kaname: Youknowmaybeiwas.
  Gin: Well then go on.
  Kaname: Hmm?
  Gin: Go ahead, PA away.
  Kaname: Iwill. Dontthinkiwont.
  Gin: I believe you, go for it.
  Kaname: ... (activates speakers) Attentioneveryonethereareintrudersinlasnocheswhodonotbelieveinlordaizens JUSTICE!! Pleasedespatchthematonce. Andhaveaniceday. Youreappreciated.
  Gin: Truly the voice of an angel. Isn't that right, Wonderweiss?
  Wonderweiss: (incoherent growling)
  Gin: Oh and was that Morgan Freeman or am I hearing things?
• Gin's assessment of the Privaron Espada.
  Gin: That part of Las Noches is where we keep the silly Arrancar. Like not "Ha ha, that one has a bowtie!" silly, like "Oops! I slipped onto my enemy's sword, clumsy me! Guess I'll get replaced in the Espada now!" silly. That's where we stuck Grimmjow when he was forcibly left-handed.
  Kaname: I see.
  Gin: You don't though!
• Uryu drops all pretenses and calls Seele Schneider what it is. It's even accompanied by a short section of Duel of the Fates.
  Uryu: It's a god-damn lightsaber!
  • Quincies only use arrows... supposedly.
• Uryu's version of events in his fight against Cirucci.
  Cirucci: (Star Spangled Banner playing) Death to Japan!
  Uryu: Death to America!
  Cirucci: Prepare to meet your end, enemy of the state!
  Uryu: You cannot suppress me, lackey! LIGHTSABER EXPLOSION!!
  (footage of a nuclear detonation)
  Cirucci: (in the distance) You're so handsome! And also correct about that David Tennant thing!
  Future!Ichigo: It turns out he was right about that David Tennant thing, but that's a different story.
• Future!Ichigo explaining to a very bored Kazui and Giko about how Chad fought the Privaron Espada "Jimmy Lightningfist"
  Giko: So the Privaron Espada were named "Dordoni", "Cirucci" and "Jimmy Lightningfist"? That strikes me as kind of inconsistent, dad.
  Future!Ichigo: I, um, ehem, I'm not so good with this guy's name. So... can you just... okay?
  (Kazui and Giko roll their eyes and nod)
• Keigo appearing in Las Noches as an eidolon of positive thinking to cheer Chad on in his fight against Jimmy Lightningfist, as an unknowing agent of the God Gluskab. The Privaron Espada is utterly bewildered.
  Jimmy: What, bitch, you what?! What did you say? You spout some garbage about cockroaches and then you're suddenly like 'oh hey time to go Super Saiyan!' Gimme a break!
  • When Chad dramatically reveals that his right arm is Gluskab the shield and his left arm is Malsumis the weapon, Jimmy just pretty much gives up trying to figure out what's going on.
    Jimmy: You know I don't know what your deal is or what you're on about but I feel like you've been setting this shit up a long time and honestly I'm just honored to be a part of whatever weird-ass thing we're doing here.
• Gin's awkward attempts to socialize with Ulquiorra.
  Ulquiorra: (when asked what he does in his spare time) As if time when I'm not working were effectively any different from the time spent working for Lord Groban. All time passes equally and without pleasure. What one fills it with amounts to little more than unnecessary flavor.
  Gin: ...I have a pet snake.
  Ulquiorra: You ''are'' a pet snake.
  [both murmur awkwardly]
  Ulquiorra: I feel like you were expecting that I was a more interesting fun person than I am.
  Gin: ...ridiculous.
• The reveal that Aizen is playing a similar prank as he does with Kaname on Aaroneiro making everything he says be incomprehensible bubble noises using Kyoka Suigetsu, only this time it only happens when he is exposed to light.
  Aaroneiro: You know something? People used to be able to hear what I was saying, right up until I joined the Espada. Then after that, bubbles. Isn't that weird? Never been able to figure that out. Despite all that, Lord Groban can still understand me. My intention alone.
  Rukia: Yeah, you- y- probably... geez he even messes with his own men like that?
  Aaroneiro: Come again?
  Rukia: Just thinking out loud... did you say you're an Espada?
  Aaroneiro: That's right! Espada number 9. Aaroneiro Arrururerureruriruri... rrrrrrrruri! ...ri.
• Since the series's take on the Soul Society Arc omitted Rukia's flashbacks to her past with Kaien, her encounter with Aaroniero begins with her mistaking Kaien for Ichigo and Hisagi, to Aaroniero's great confusion and pity for Kaien that his close friend has apparently forgotten him. It's hilarious... at least until the in-universe reason for Rukia forgetting Kaien in this continuity (lots of trauma repression) is revealed and it quickly becomes a Tearjerker.
  • As a Mood Whiplash from their previous appearances, in this episode's cutaway to Future!Ichigo explaining the story to his previously bored children, Kazui and Giko are both genuinely alert and distressed about how Aunt Rukia nearly died.
    Future!Ichigo: Kids, she didn't die, come on!
    (Kazui and Giko nod quietly)
• The situation with Ulquiorra genuinely not knowing what to feed Orihime, as she is human and requires food, unlike Arrancar or Soul Reapers. Eventually he decides to wing it and opens a garganta to a Costco in the human world offscreen, later returning and informing her that he alarmed many humans what with him being invisible to them so all they saw was a floating shopping basket moving up and down the aisles. He mostly gets her Nutri-grain bars and cheese.
  Ulquiorra: The human girl requires food. I looked in the fridge and realized we don't have a fridge.
• The cold opening of episode 30 involves Dondachakka running while carrying a screaming Renji with comedic music playing.
  Future!Ichigo: That's right, kids. This is a Renji story. Buckle up.
• Renji calling shenanigans on Szayelaporro by referring to his machinations in battle as "Batmanning"
  Szayelaporro: (after destroying Renji's Bankai) Now let me elucidate you on what just occurred, broseph. You see, I've seen you fight before, and-
  Renji: (interrupting) Knock it off!
  Szayelaporro: Hmm?
  Renji: I get it.
  Szayelaporro: "It"?
  Renji: Yeah, it. This whole it happening right now. I'm in the know, you don't need to explain it, you batmanned me.
  Szayelaporro: I... "batmanned" you.
  Renji: Kinda slow on the uptake aren't you? You're clearly some kind of brainy scientist type like Mayuri, with your type it's always something like "I studied your spiritual energy" as if that somehow means you can just vaccinate anything I can do out of existence! Mayuri's the same goddamn way! You science'd my Bankai to death, you batmanned me.
• When Uryu saves Renji from being crushed by one of Szayelaporro's fraccion.
  Renji: (thinking) I just gotta think... what... would... Ishida do?!
  (the giant Arrancar is killed by a Quincy arrow)
  Renji: Yeah! That's exactly what he'd do! (thinking) Wait... was that real or was that me planning things? Did I just... will myself into being a Quincy? (out loud) YEAH! GO RENJI!!
• Ulquiorra is still compliant to the point of comedy, even with standard showdown banter with an enemy.
  Ichigo: Hold it right there, Espada!
  (Ulquiorra stops)
  Ichigo: What? Did you lose your nerve?
  Ulquiorra: You just told me to stop. I figured you must have seen a broken step or something. Did you not?
  Ichigo: Wh- I was trying to sound tough, are you dense?
  • Later on, it turns out to be a very bad idea to tell Ulquiorra of all people not to toy with him.
• While lecturing Ichigo on how hating someone just for being an Espada is pointless, Ulquiorra casually drops that Nel is/was an Espada. Ichigo is thrown for a loop, but has not time to dwell on that revelation because Ulquiorra keeps talking.
• Ulquiorra provoking Ichigo into fighting him after spending a minute convincing him that they have no reason for such animosity.
  Ulquiorra: (quietly smacks lips) ...although I did capture Orihime.
  Ichigo: (so furious he moves via Sonido instead of Shunpo and strikes with his sword) I'LL KILL YOU YOU BASTARD!!
  Ulquiorra: Oh see, now it's justified.
• During their fight, Ulquiorra is almost as cold and ruthless as he is in the original, although he does get mildly upset about the collateral damage that Ichigo causes, especially after he had recently redecorated.
  Ulquiorra: You have completely destroyed the feng shui of my foyer. (pronouncing it so that 'feng shui' rhymes with 'foyer')
• Even in his deadpan way, Ulquiorra still manages to trash-talk Ichigo.
  Ichigo: You're faaAAAAAAST!! (screaming when kicked into the air)
  Ulquiorra: Back inside please. You said not to toy with you, but I'm sorry for tossing you around like one.
• Orihime getting frustrated with getting roughly handled. First by Loly and Menoly and then Grimmjow.
  Orihime: Ow! Why do people keep doing this? My windpipe isn't a handlebar!
  • Moments before that.
    Orihime: I guess you're gonna throw me around too... seems like the thing to do around here.
    Grimmjow: Probably.
• Grimmjow asserting that he's the baddest after Orihime decides not to heal Loly and Menoly as she did in canon.
  Grimmjow: Oho! You're kinda bad, huh?
  Orihime: Uhh...
  Grimmjow: Well don't get it in your head that you're as bad as me, got it?!
  Orihime: Got it!
  Grimmjow: Who's bad?!
  Orihime: You're bad!
  Grimmjow: Who's the violent psychopath?!
  Orihime: You! A hundred percent you!
  Grimmjow: I like the way you're terrified of me. We're gonna get along.
• White and Old Man freaking out inside Ichigo's head after he's defeated.
  White: I go out for ten minutes and you let this happen?!
  Old Man: What do you mean you went out?!
  White: TO GET GROCERIES!!
  Old Man: GROCERIES?!
  White: SO WE CAN EAT!!
  Old Man: No you didn't! There is no "out!" You're holding a bag of building chunks and the bag is also building chunks!
  • The two of them then urge each other to use their respective Hollow/Quincy powers that Ichigo doesn't know he has to heal him, but they can't because Ichigo doesn't know he has those powers.