Funny / Code Geass: The Abridged Series

Despite being only 8 episodes (so far), Code Geass: The Abridged Series has quite some funny moments.

• Special mentions for in episode 2,
  Tamaki: "Are we really going to follow orders from a disembodied voice?"
  Ohgi: "Well, Hell, that'll be better than the last plan we had."
  * flashback*
  Resistance Fighter: "Hey, guys. Can you...like...surrender to us?"
  Britannian Soldier: "...I have a better idea." * blasts resistance tank*
  Resistance Fighter: "Damnit!"
• And later, the introduction of the Lancelot.
  Tamaki: "Uh...there's a strange-looking Sutherland coming our way."
  Lelouch: "What, you want me to give you a cookie or something? Shoot the damn thing down!"
  Tamaki: "By all appearances it looks kind of like a Donald Sutherland but let me double check."
  * Lancelot Falcon Punches Tamaki's mech's head off*
  Tamaki: "Oh God it's KIEFER!!!"
• Episode 8, when the terrorists' hijacking of the hotel is first revealed:
  Reporter: We interrupt this program to bring you this breaking news. Terrorists have taken a number of Britannian students hostage. This footage was taken by the... perpetrator... What?
  Tohdoh: Damn it! They interrupted Dancing with the Stars for this?!
  Cornelia's Aide: Terrorists have taken the hotel and all attempts to seize the hotel have been thwarted.
  Cornelia: If that's the case, then we must go with plan B.
  Aide: Oh, I love plan B. i so often get wasted and forget to use protection and... oh, you're talking about the op..."

---

New Version (Removed)

Basically, the whole damn series. It was absolutely brilliant.

Senile Man (to himself): I don't know how to play chess; I don't even know my son's name! A-GAAAAH! *camera tilts while zooming in on him*

Lelouch: Hold everything!

(cue epic introductory music)

Lelouch: ...I claim checkmate.

Nobleman: What?

Lelouch: Checkmate; in 37 moves; 35 if you don't run away... which you will.

Nobleman: You can't just claim checkmate; you're not even playing!

Lelouch: Oh; yes, I can. Now, either you give me my half of the money, or I can actually play and actually destroy you! Rivalz, can I or can I not claim checkmate?

Rivalz: Actually, I don't know how to play chess.

Lelouch: See? Straight from the horse's mouth.

Rivalz: Hey; do I look like a horse to you?

Lelouch: ...nay.

(Beat)

Lelouch: ...shut up; I'm funny.

(cue intro)

Clovis: Citizens of Britannia: Let us have a moment of silence for those who died on the field of battle.

(1-2 seconds pass)

Clovis: ...that should do it; DJ, TURN THAT MUSIC UP!

(cut to Clovis' party)

Clovis: Now, then; where were we, ladies?

Bartley: Sir, you know of the recent terrorist attack?

Clovis: Word.

Bartley: Well, when they escaped, they took something rather... important to us.

Clovis: You don't mean... the alcohol?!

(cue Dramatic Chipmunk Scare Chord)(beat)

Bartley: No. They stole... the secret capsule!

Clovis: Oh. Oh! *high-pitched* OOOOOH!

Reporter: 7 died today in the recent terrorist attack-

(cut to view of the news report on TV in the truck)

Nagata: Look, Kallen: they're talking about us!

Kallen: Can't you drive any faster?

Nagata: I could, but that would be violating the federal/state traffic laws.

(cut to mirror facing the helicopter)

Nagata: Also, I probably should have told you this before, BUUUUT that gunship's been following us for the past 10 minutes.

Kallen: What?! And you didn't bother telling me sooner?!

Nagata: I thought it was going to pass!

Kallen: It's a gunship; it doesn't need to pass! I swear; you're the worst getaway driver ever!

Nagata: You think that's bad? Watch THIS.

(crashes truck)

Lelouch: A dead body? Someone other than Rivalz?! By Jove; finally, someone worth talking to! Dead body, here I come!

Rivalz: This is... good?

Lelouch: *climbing in through the top of the truck* Hello? Is anyone in there? I understand if you're dead; that's pretty much what I'm expecting.

(truck backs up; Lelouch falls in as a consequence of inertia)

Lelouch: Ah; definitely not dead!

Law Enforcer: Hey; they're breaking the federal/state traffic laws... SHOOT THEM!

(truck swerves to avoid gunfire)

Law Enforcer: They must be drunk; they're swerving! SHOOT THEM AGAIN!

Kallen: How about you shut up while I actually do something?!

Nagata: Maybe I will.

Law Enforcer: These Elevens make me sick, showing no regard for the innocent—AGH!

(a Glasgow piloted by Kallen launches a Slash Harken; the helicopter explodes)

Jeremiah: Murder?! In the no-murder zone?! You will pay at once, criminal scum!

Kallen: Says you and what army?!

Jeremiah: My army! I, Jeremiah Gottwald, will restore justice to the proud country of Britannia!

Kallen: Who do you think you are?!

Jeremiah: I—Jeremiah Gottwald—AM JEREMIAH GOTTWALD: THE MAN WHO IS GOING TO DESTROY YOU!

Suzaku: Target sighted, sir!

Military Officer: Great work, Private Kururugi! Now, wait right there.

Suzaku: *notices capsule* Negative, sir; I'm going in!

Military Officer: Suzaku, don't be stupid!

Suzaku: *kicks Lelouch in the face; cue the American anthem with his entrance*

Suzaku: Game's up, terrorist.

Lelouch: I'm not a terrorist! But, one day, I will destroy—no—OBLITERATE BRITANNIA! But I'm no terrorist.

Suzaku: Lelouch, is that you? It's me. *takes off helmet*

Lelouch: Suzaku? You joined the military?

Suzaku: Why did YOU become a terrorist?!

Lelouch: I'm not a terrorist! Why did YOU join Britannia?!

Suzaku: What's so bad about that?!

Lelouch: I don't know; they only killed your parents and invaded your country!

Suzaku: It was only to stop the bad guys!

Lelouch: They ARE the bad guys!

Suzaku: Nuh-uh; you're the one with the bomb, terrorist!

Lelouch: I'm not a terrorist! Wait—bomb?

(capsule containing C.C. opens up)

Suzaku: Get down!

(C.C. falls into Lelouch's arms)

Lelouch: ...that's—the bomb.

(Beat)

Lelouch: ...wait for it...

Military Officer: Suzaku!

Suzaku: Sir, it's not what it looks like!

Military Officer: So, you weren't revealing top-secret information?!

Suzaku: Oh. No; that's exactly what it looks like. I was referring to helping the terrorists.

Military Officer: Son, that's no terrorist; that's a—TRAFFIC VIOLATOR.

Suzaku: *gasps; cue Celtic-sounding music* LELOUCH, TELL ME IT ISN'T TRUE!

Lelouch: It's not true.

Suzaku: *naive, assertive friendship voice* I BELIEVE HIM!-*gets shot by Military Officer; Celtic music ends*-ow; my kidney.

Military Officer: That's what you get for betraying your country. ...again.

Lelouch: NO! *cue Celtic music again* YOU MONSTER!

(Beat)

Lelouch: I WANTED TO SHOOT HIM!

Military Officer: You're coming with us, terrorist.

Lelouch: I'm not a terrorist!

Nagata: Terrorist? *prepares to blow up the van* ...I'LL SHOW YOU A TERRORIST!

(truck explodes)

Lloyd: How would you like to pilot a giant robot?

Suzaku: Sounds exciting AND painful!

Cécile: We understand if you're not ready to try it-

Suzaku: Are you kidding?! I love suicide...

(Beat)

Suzaku: -al missions!

(Lloyd leads Suzaku outside)

Lloyd: I've done it the honor of naming it "Lancelot": the next generation of Knightmare Frame.

Suzaku: Knightmare-what, now?

Lloyd: Giant robot.

Suzaku: Oh.

(soldiers wait at the exit; Lelouch tries to sneak out)(phone rings)

Lelouch: WHO COULD BE CALLING ME NOW, OF ALL TIMES?!

(Lelouch hangs up; cut to Shirley)

Shirley: Missing our 2-day anniversary, huh?! WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE DOING TO MISS THAT?!

(cut back to warehouse)

Military Officer: *secures C.C. and throws Lelouch against the concrete floor* Ha; we have you, now!

Lelouch: Wait a minute! You wouldn't shoot me with a hostage; would you?

Soldier: Oh, crud; he's right!

Soldier: What should we do; should we shoot him first, then get the hostage?

Soldier: Oh; how about we shoot the hostage first, then shoot him?

Military Officer: Screw it. *fires*

C.C.: *cue "Stream of Consciousness"* HE MUSTN'T DIE! *intercepts bullet with her head; end dramatic music with her corpse suddenly hitting the ground*

Soldier: Sir, weren't we supposed to take her alive?

Military Officer: Shoot first, ask questions later; that's my policy in life... and in death! Now, what was your question?

Lelouch (to himself): So... this is it, then... I guess there won't be anyone left to take care of *tries to remember Nunnally* that girl whose name escapes me at the current... I guess I'd better say my prayers: God, if you're out there...

Lelouch: THANKS FOR NOTHING!

(C.C. grips his hand

Lelouch: Zombie!

(cut to Lelouch's mind)

C.C.: Quick: if you want to live, you should accept the terms of my contract.

Lelouch: Well, let me think about this...

C.C.: Too late; I'll assume you said yes.

(cut to abandoned warehouse)

Lelouch: Whoa!

Military Officer: Hey; kid, are you okay?

Lelouch: Yeah; it's just... wow.

Military Officer: Good; *in a singsong tone* now, it's time to kill you...

Lelouch: Wait a minute; I have a better idea: instead of killing me, why don't you kill yourselves? *activates Geass*

Military Officer: ...I am not following this.

Lelouch: You see, if I dead, that bad, but if you dead, that GOOD. Now, think about it.

Military Officer: My God... HE'S RIGHT! I CAN'T ARGUE WITH THOSE NUMBERS!

(officer shoots himself in the neck, thereby killing himself, along with every other member of Suzaku's unit)

Lelouch: Well, then; I guess that's... checkmate.

(Beat)

Lelouch: Shut up; I'm funny.

Clovis: *Robot Rock plays in the background* Ahaha! Glorious; fantastic!

Bartley: Good; now, it's time to-

Clovis: Party.

Bartley: What-

Clovis: I was thinking of having a party after this.

Bartley: Sir, we are in the middle of a hostage situation!

Clovis: Ah; so, I can take that as a "maybe."

Clovis: Oh, come, now, Bartley; don't be such a spoilsport. Everyone's having such fun!

Bartley: Define "fun", sir.

Clovis: Like this:

(cut to Shinjuku genocide)

Bartley: Doesn't look too fun for the Japanese.

Clovis: *scoffs* Right; next, you're going to tell me they're actual people.

Bartley: With all due respect, your highness, shouldn't we be looking for the girl?

Clovis: Bartley, calm yourself; I have my best men on it. THEEEE BE-

(cut to Lelouch)

Lelouch: ...talk about dead silence.

(Beat)

Lelouch: Well, I never thought I'd say this, but now's not the time to be cracking jokes about the dead.

(a Sutherland piloted by Viletta Nu comes in and shoots up the warehouse door)

Viletta: Hm... You look suspicious.

Lelouch: Me? Suspicious? No.

Viletta: Actually, yes. My name's Viletta; I'm in the military, and it's very strange to see all these dead soldiers surrounding a Britannian schoolboy.

Lelouch: Actually, it was more like... assisted suicide?

Viletta: *gets out of Sutherland* I like your style; too bad for you, I'm going to have to arrest you.

Lelouch: *activates Geass* Or—and I'm just throwing this out there—how about you give me the key to your Knightmare, instead?

Viletta: That honestly sounds like the-*receives command*-best idea I've ever heard!

(cut to Lelouch on the phone with Rivalz, chilling out in the Sutherland)

Lelouch: ...and, then, she gave me her robot!

Rivalz: *at work* Haha; great story, Lelouch.

Rivalz's Boss: *deep stereotypically African-American toned voice* BOY, I SAID, BOY, WHAT YOU BEEN UP TO?

Rivalz: Coming, sir!

Rivalz's Boss: I'LL MAKE YOU COME-

(beep; Lelouch and Rivalz's phone dial gets ended)

(Jeremiah closes in on Kallen)

Kallen: NO-NO-NO-NO-NO-NO-NO-*fires Slash Harken*-BOOYAH; TIME TO ESCAPE!

Jeremiah: Oh?! Running away?! I LOVE THAT IN A MAN!

Kallen: I HAVE BREASTS!

Jeremiah: Oh; the better!

Jeremiah: Mr. Kibbles!

Private: Sir, it's Private Bitts.

Jeremiah: Mr. Bibbles! Fetch me the giant robot... and then the body.

Lelouch: Jump on top of the incoming train tracks.

Kallen: Why should I listen to you?!

Lelouch: Because this is the alternative:

Jeremiah: I, Jeremiah Gottwald, am coming for you, man with breasts!

Kallen: Point taken. AAAAAH! *jumps away*

Lelouch: Hey!

(Jeremiah turns and faces Sutherland)

Lelouch: Here's a present from me to you—

(Lelouch fires at Jeremiah's Sutherland)

Lelouch: —the present being bullets.

Jeremiah: My ego; my PRIDE! I—Jeremiah Gottwald—WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS!

Kallen: What's your name?!

Lelouch: Umm—Carlos Sanchez!

Clovis: Well, looks like it's just me, myself, and my best friend... *Clovis gets a beer* ALCOHOLISM!

(lights go out)

Clovis: What's happening?! Is anyone there?! Bartley? ...Nosferatu? Hello?

Lelouch: Hello; it's been a long time; hasn't it, BROTHER?

Clovis: Brother? What are you talking about? You're certainly not Schneizel.

Lelouch: What? No; it's me: your OTHER brother.

Clovis: *gasps* You don't mean...

Lelouch: Yes; it is I, Lelouch vi Britannia, 11th prince of the realm. I've come to destroy Britannia one piece at a time... starting with you, Clovis.

Clovis: Actually, I was going to say Odysseus, but that works, too. *gunshot fired*

Clovis: What the hell?!

Lelouch: How could I miss?! I had it aimed right at you!

Clovis: I know. Why?!

Lelouch: You know exactly why; you people killed my mother in cold blood, invaded Japan, and left me and... *tries to recall Nunnally* and myself to fend for ourselves!

Clovis: ...question.

Lelouch: What is it, now?

Clovis: ...what exactly do you mean by "you people"?

Lelouch: *inhales and exhales calmly; fires*

Lelouch: The hell?! How did I miss AGAIN?!

Clovis: What do you want?! Bartley will do anything; I swear! Please, just let me live!

Lelouch: *activates Geass* All I want... is for you to tell me... EVERYTHING!

Clovis: *receives command* ...I know nothing of your mother's death; if anyone would know of it, it would be my brother Second Prince Schneizel and Second Princess Cornelia. The reason you're missing is because you're aiming slightly to the left of my head, and sometimes, I like to dress in women's underwear and make Bartley watch me do interpretive dance.

Lelouch: Oh, brother; you really did tell me everything.

(Beat; mind-controlled Clovis delivers a vacant expression)

Lelouch: Well, third time's the charm. *fires*

Lelouch: Is she a terrorist?

Rivalz: A what?

Lelouch: A terrorist? Strikes terror into society at large?!

Rivalz: Pretty sure that's a no.

Lelouch: What are you talking about?

Rivalz: You know; Nunnally.

Lelouch: ...who?

Rivalz: Your sister.

(Lelouch realizes he's been a neglectful brother)

Lelouch: NU... NNA... LLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

(pan out to all of Ashford Academy, then cut to their estate)

Sayoko: Finally, he cometh-

Lelouch: *slamming open the door* Nunnally!

Lelouch: Here you go, Nunnally. (hands Nunnally a bowl)

Nunnally: This soup tastes like ass!

Lelouch: Don't worry; I'll just ask Sayoko to prepare something else.

Nunnally: Who said I didn't like it?

Kallen: Could you please hand me my purse?

Lelouch: Of course; not sure why you'd need your purse in the shower, but, anyways—

Kallen: *grabs Lelouch's arm; directs knife towards him* What were you doing in Shinjuku?!

Lelouch: What're you talking about?

Kallen: You know what I mean!

(phone rings; Lelouch answers it)

Lelouch: Hello? Who's there? Really? Is that so? Okay, then. *hands phone to Kallen* It's for you.

Kallen: *answers it* Who is this?!

Lelouch Recording: Hey there, short-pants.

Kallen (to herself): What the hell?! It's the same voice! But how?!

Lelouch Recording: Meet me in the Shinjuku ghetto.

Kallen: What?!

Lelouch Recording: All will be revealed.

Kallen: What do you mean, "All will be revealed."?!

Lelouch: Hey: would you mind closing the shower curtain? It looks to me as if all is pretty much revealed.

Kallen: *screams and closes curtain*