Funny / Archer

"The good news is we don't have to worry about these alligators. That's not actually good news, is it?"

Moments pages are Spoilers Off. You Have Been Warned.

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• Season 1
• Season 2
• Season 3
• Season 4
• Archer: Vice (Season 5)
• Season 6
• Season 7
• Archer: Dreamland (Season 8)
• Archer: Danger Island (Season 9)
• Archer: 1999 (Season 10)
• Season 11
• Season 12
• Season 13
• Season 14

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Miscellaneous

Running Jokes

• "And that's why we can't have nice things."
• Lana? Lana? Lana? LAAAANAAAAAA!
  • WHAT?
    • ...Danger Zone!
    • I've said Small Miracles!
    • Well, first of all, you don't have to yell, Lana. I don't have ear cancer.
    • 'Dungeness' Crab? Because we're in a dungeon? I'm kidding, crab rangoon.
    • HE REMEMBERS ME!
    • And the subversion in Season 4.
    • And the variant in the Season 5 finale: Baby? Baby? Baby? BABYYYY-
• "Eat a dick, (insert person's name, location, or force of nature here)."
• Anytime the characters say "yeeeuuup" or "noooope".
• Lana's freakishly large hands (and they're freakishly strong)
  • She holds down a helicopter that Conway was escaping in by harpooning his attached case then severs his hand.
  • She pries open Malory's electromagnetically locked door with just her hands.
  • "Wait, is that even a twist top?" "Noooope."
  • Holding Cyril in a Vulcan Death Grip and imitating Darth Vader.
  • Threatening to rip out Pam's shoulders with her bare hands and play Moby Dick on her skull with them.
• Any mentions of Cheryl's gypsy lady, and the fact that she accurately predicts the group's routine life-threatening situations down to the most minute details.
• "SMOKE BOMB!"
  • (Ahem) Wildly inappropriate.
• Cyril + Firearms = "SUPPRESSING FIRRRRRREEEEEEEEE!!!!!"
• Ray losing the use of his legs.
• Archer's ridiculous "Mulatto Butts!" ringtone going off at the worst possible time
  Black ass mamma! (White ass daddy!)
  • Also, Krieger's ringtone which is a version of the song, "Teutonic Butts."
• Archer's complex, confusing, multi-layered answering machine messages.
  • Malory eventually pulls this on Archer.
  • He goes so far as to use complex electrical engineering tricks to wire his phone's voicemail into Cheryl's mansion's electrical system to trigger a giant laser light show and a thundering dub-step voicemail recording. Because.
• Phrasing BOOM!
• "Oh, you were serious?"
• "Are we not saying 'phrasing' anymore?"
• The Running Gag of someone being given multiple slaps to the face after said person does or says something stupid.
• "All right then, then I guess just pout!"
• Across Season 7: the agency flier that Pam made that Archer despises.
• Season 8: Cliff, the drummer for Dreamland's band, loves to punctuate people's innuendo in conversations with a rimshot. This annoys Ray to no end.

Other

• There's a version of the pilot episode on the DVD where Archer is replaced by a velociraptor. It's exactly as silly as it sounds.
  • There's also a Behind The Music-styled mockumentary about the Velociraptor and his career and how it was affected by the Archersaurus short. Watch it here. It's hysterical.
• Archer, Lana, Cyril, Pam, and Malory describing their perfect days.
  • Archer saying the staples: food, drinks, and after-meal whores.
  • Lana is interrupted by Archer and she hangs up after she is mocked, with her not even getting to answer the question.
  • Cyril's is Archer dying on the same day as the end of the fiscal year. He keeps describing ways Archer could die.
  • Pam's basically amounts to eat lots of food, watch a movie (or porno), and fuck some guys.
  • Malory first responds with doing charity work and helping others. Then she laughs out loud until the end of the video.
  • Cheryl's has her serenely stating her perfect day will be her wedding day, followed by her smile silently fading away until she breaks down sobbing "MY! FUCKING! WEDDING DAY!" And then recomposes herself and says "My wedding day."
• Ever wondered what Archer would be like if he had the face of his voice actor? Wonder no more.
• The trailer for Season Five consists of the cast re-enacting famous scenes from Top Gun, set to "Danger Zone", with Archer as Maverick, Barry as Iceman, Cyril as Goose, Lana as Charlie, and Krieger as Kenny Loggins, among other impersonations. It goes through all the major events of the movie... then suddenly fades out to reveal that Archer's just imagining the whole thing while drunkenly riding one of those rocket things that you find outside of grocery stores. It gets even funnier on multiple viewings as you notice all the little details they threw into the parody, like Archer having the callsign "Duchess" on his helmet, or the locker for "Other Barry", or Archer's jacket having a Babou patch, or the mannequins peeking out from under Krieger's bed...
• ISIS employee orientation videos.
  • One involves not making eye contact with Malory, because she thinks its a challenge to her power. The first two employees see a paper cutout of her face, and get shocked. The third employee sees Malory at the elevator, her response to the employee fainting:
  Malory: Oh great, this one pissed himself.
• One of the DVD extras is a segment called Cooking With Archer, where Archer shows off his new kitchen, and invites celebrity chef Alton Brown (He thinks his name is Allen Brown due to a misspelled cue card) to cook Eggs Woodhouse on it. The two end up getting into a massive brawl, which cuts away to a Technical Difficulties sign, which runs for so long that the music has to restart its loop, then back with Brown just putting the finishing touches on the dish in the now ruined kitchen, with Archer rammed through the stove. Then Woodhouse shows up.
  Alton: [sighs] ...I'm Alton Brown.
  Woodhouse: The godfather of rocksteady!
  Alton: THAT'S ALTON ELLIS!!!
• Conan O'Brien joins Archer in a segment that aired on Conan. Conan exits his studio, animated, and gets in Archer's car. Archer asks Conan to shoot the Russian gangsters chasing because he's too busy driving and browsing Tinder. Conan claims to be familiar with Tinder, but only using it to hire interns.
  • On the topic of Conan, H. Jon Benjamin panicked when he got the job. Because, in a move that is completely expected of Archer, he never read the script.
• Ask Archer
  • "Dear Archer: You are a stud! Who would play you in a live-action movie? - Denise"
    "Well, obviously it can only be Burt Reynolds. Duh! Although we need to get an eye surgeon to replace Burt's eyeballs with the steely blue eyes of Mr. Ed Harris... which, though, would leave Ed Harris blind. But that's fine. Who cares about Ed Harris anymore?"
  • "Dear Archer: I own a sandwich cart in Portland, and would like to name a sandwich after you. What's your favorite sandwich? - Schadenfreudian"
    "My favorite sandwich, hmm. I guess the filling would be money, and the bread would be two lawyers viciously prosecuting any unauthorized use of my name or likeness. I'm kidding, go nuts. I would just make sure there's ham on it. Oh shit, call it the Ham Page! You know, once we agree on the licensing fee."
  • "Would you rather fight a horse-sized duck or 6 duck-sized horses? JH"
    "I'm going to assume that's hypothetical, right? I mean, right? But I'd have to answer neither because a horse-sized duck is too terrifying to contemplate and duck-sized horses? How could fight them? They're too adorable. I mean, seriously, picture them. All trying to eat one apple. Oh my God, that's too cute."
  • "Dear Archer: A) What kind of rug should I use when Disposing of a Body? B) How many bodies would constitute a rampage? - Tyler R"
    "Uh, A), I guess whatever rug that particular body happened to fall on, and B), rampages aren't measured by numbers of bodies. What you're thinking of is mass-murder, which is why I'm not super stoked you have my add... I mean, somebody else's address."
  • "Archer: How come you can't ever think of a snappy one-liner when you need it? - Aaron"
    "Um, Aaron, how come you can't fuck off?"
  • "URGENT!! How do I get protein stains out of cashmere?!"
    "Soak it in club soda, DON'T RUB IT IN! Then get it to a dry cleaner as soon as possible. Cashmere is pretty hard to save from semen stains. I know you said protein, but it's pretty obvious that's what it is... unless you meant gravy? In which case, still club soda. You big fat slob."
• One of the trailers for Kingsman: The Golden Circle has that prick Archer stumble into the Kingsman Tailors shop in London. Hilarity Ensues.
  Eggsy: So this is what passes for "the world's greatest spy" in America. I may need to go there and teach them a lesson. But first, I'm gonna draw a knob on your face.
• 'Archer' reviews every James Bond film. Truly an Establishing Character Moment for Sterling Mallory Archer.

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