Funny / Archer Season One

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Pilot/"Mole Hunt"

• The opening scene.
  KGB Interrogator (Krenshaw): Sterling Archer. Codename: Duchess. Known from Berlin to Bangkok as the world's most dangerous spy. So for us, this is, how you say, a good get. But not so good for you, Mr. Archer, because you have information that I want. And this may be old cliché, but We Have Ways of Making You Talk.
  Archer: What, your little go-kart battery?
  Krenshaw: Golf cart.
  Archer: Whatever. And would you pick an accent and stick with it?
  Krenshaw: Listen here, you little...
  Malory: [off-screen] Son of a bitch!
  Krenshaw: Now you did it.
  Malory: What is the point of these simulations...
  Archer: Krenshaw's arousal.
  Malory: ...if you don't take them seriously?
  Archer: How can I? Between his lame accent and the go-kart battery...
  Krenshaw: Golf cart.
  Archer: Shut up. And speaking of lame, my codename
  Malory: ...was chosen at random by the ISIS computer.
  Archer: Random? It was your dog's name.
  Malory: Oh, Duchess. [holds up John and Yoko-style photo of her and an Afghan dog, sentimental piano music starts playing] I loved her so much.
  Archer: That it was creepy and pathetic.
  Malory: And if you were half as smart as she was...
  Archer: She wasn't too smart to die from eating chocolate, was she?
  Malory: [gasps] Exercise terminated!
  Archer: All right, that's lunch then.
  Malory: Agent performance: unsatisfactory.
  Archer: Oh come on! At worst that was needs improvement.
  Krenshaw: Jesus, Archer. You think this is a game?
  Archer: No, I think Jenga's a game.
  Krenshaw: What if I'd been real KGB?
  Archer: I assumed you'd be trying to suck a promotion out of some Russian guy's cock.
  Krenshaw: Well maybe I never get promoted...
  Archer: And never will.
  Krenshaw: ...because my mommy's not the boss.
  Archer: And maybe you just got your face kicked off! [kicks leg upwards, foot is several inches from Krenshaw's face] That is my foot in your face. Smell the embaressm... [gets shocked by Krenshaw, falls to the ground] Mother! Did you see that?! Mother?! Mother!
  [Malory watches from behind two-way glass, smiles]
• Archer after finding a dog in his apartment.
  Archer: The two things we don't allow in here. What are they?
  Woodhouse: Dogs and your mother.
  Archer: That's a very short list, isn't it?
  Woodhouse: Yes, but you were quite insistent an exception be made.
  Archer: I'm always insistent, Woodhouse.
  Woodhouse: Yes, sir.
  Archer: But I'm not to be trusted, am I?
  Woodhouse: No, sir. But...
  Archer: Stop. Shut up. I have to go, but if I find one single dog hair when I get back I'll rub sand in your dead little eyes.
  Woodhouse: Very good, sir.
  Archer: I also need you to go buy sand.
  Woodhouse: Yes, sir.
  Archer: I don't know if they grade it but... coarse.
• Archer tries to get access to the mainframe, but needs authorisation from a section head.
  • He tries Pam first.
    Pam: [talking to Krieger using her dolphin puppet] The employee break-room fridge is a bond of trust. When you violate that trust, or... the food...
    Archer: There's my favourite section head!
    Pam: I am dealing with the break-room problem!
    Archer: Oh good, you caught the, uh, I had something for this. The, uh, Pita Predator.
    Pam: Know what?
    Archer: Let's just call it what it is: food rapist.
    Pam: (to Krieger) Not a pretty name, is it?
    Archer: But if you want some food that's supposed to be cream filled, I offer these delicious donuts... in exchange for a favour.
    Pam: A favour? After how you treated me?!
    [flashback to Archer hitting Pam with her dolphin puppet, Lana trying to restrain him]
    Archer: Well fuck your dolphin, Pam!
    Lana: Archer, she's tapping out.
    Archer: Fuck your fucking dolphin!
    Lana: I think she peed.
    Archer: ...and fuck you!
    [back in present]
    Pam: I had to get three stitches!
    Archer: And I broke my watch.
    Pam: Three!
    Archer: If you want, I could drop these on the floor and you could pretend they're marbles and you're a hungry, hungry. hungry [Pam closes door on him] hungry hippo.
  • Archer offering donuts to various folks at ISIS:
    Archer: Lana! Hey, I know I'm supposed to be up my own ass right now but -
    [Lana knocks the box of donuts out of Archer's hands and scatters them on the carpet without ever breaking her stride]
    Archer: Oh, is that what you want?!
    Lana: Yup!
    Archer: Because that's how you get ants!
    Lana: Yaaaay!
  • Archer finally gets in by using a recording of Cyril saying his name, but decides to have some fun with it at the same time.
    Archer: Hi, I'm a huge fan of cock and my name is...
    Recording: ...Cyril Figgis.
    • After Archer notices that the mainframe password is "guest", and the "sound and pressure-activated security system" is just a single mousetrap.
      "No way. It can't be. Holy shit, our security is atrocious."
• A series of flashbacks shows Archer penetrating a woman and uttering the same phrase (and one time saying it after eating part of that woman's ice cream).
  "Just the tip!"
• A flashback of Archer playing roulette with an exotic woman at his side.
  Archer: 22 Black! 22 Black! 22 Black! [ball lands on red 18] Ass! Son of a bitch! [notices Scary Black Man standing next to him] Oh, not you, giant African man. I'm, I'm sorry. Can I buy you a drink? How about this expensive prostitute?
• This little conversation that Lana and Archer have while fighting Krenshaw.
  Archer: No, no, no, do not wind her up. That is a big gun, and she is baby crazy.
  Lana: [gasps] Baby crazy?!
  Archer: That's why I broke up with her.
  [Lana stomps towards Archer, her gun aimed at his face. Archer whips out his and points it at her face]
  Lana: You lying- you sack of shit! I broke up with you, because you're dragging around a 35-year-old umbilical cord!
  Archer: See! All you talk about is baby shit! Because you're baby crazy!
  Lana: You wanna see crazy?!
  Archer: I've seen that movie and, spoiler alert, it ends with a closet full of my suits on fire!
  Lana: I wish you'd been wearing one of those suits!
  Archer: Who would want to wear an on-fire suit?!
  Lana: Cosplay enthusiasts!
  Archer: Wait, what?
• At the climax, imagining his mother dead and what his life would be like without her gives Archer an erection in the middle of a standoff with the villain.
  Archer: Looks like we've got a Mexican standoff, Kremensky.
  Krenshaw: How is this a Mexican standoff?
  Lana: Dumbass.
  Krenshaw: I don't care if you shoot her!
  Cyril: I do.
  Krenshaw: But what if I shoot her, mama's boy?
  Malory: Sterling!
  Krenshaw: Yes, picture her dead in the gutter...
  Malory: Sterling!
  Krenshaw: ...and what your pathetic life will be like without old mommy dearest.
  Lana: Jesus Christ!
  Malory: What?
  Cyril: What is it?
  Lana: He's got an erection!
  Malory: What?!
  Krenshaw: [pushes Malory away] What the hell is wrong with you people?!
  [Archer shoots him dead]
  Archer: Nothing. You, on the other hand-
  [Malory hits him with her wallet]
  Archer: Ow! OW!
  Malory: [smacking Archer with her wallet] An erection?!
  Archer: Hey! What's in there, buckles?!
  Malory:The thought of me dead gives you an erection?!?!
  Archer: No, just half of one! The other half would have really missed you!

"Training Day"

• Archer saves a man's life but thinks the man is Santa Claus due to being completely drunk at the time
  "You know I'd never let anything happen to your bacon. I LOVE YOU SANTA CLAUS!" [sobbing] "I do!"
• Archer decides to screw with Cyril when the latter comments on the former's promiscuity.
  Archer: [about Lana] Hello Cyril, herpes.
  Cyril: YOU GAVE LANA HERPES!?
  • And Carol overhears.
    • Pam, Cheryl and Lana talk workplace relationships as Archer trains Cyril.
      Pam: Worlds collide, huh?
      Cheryl: Kinda inevitable for a serial workplace dater.
      Lana: Oh, yeah, call the kettle black!
      Cheryl: Ugh, did she just race-card me? Or are you totally just gay for her?
      Pam: I'm the Human Resources director! Little miss hostile work environment.
      Cheryl: She is riddled with herpes.
      Pam: HEY! Inappropriate workplace topic! ...And also a dealbreaker.
    • Cheryl and Pam go through company medical files.
      Cheryl: And... has not had herpes.
      Pam: Deal un-breaker.
      Cheryl: (disgusted) Uch.
• Archer is trying to teach Cyril how to be a secret agent:
  Cyril: But when would you use an underwear gun?
  Archer: Hopefully never. But say you're in a Caribbean bungalow and you're kinda high. An exotic woman on the bed... Now is she just the high-priced whore you asked for or is she... an assassin!
  Cyril: I don't know, I...
  Archer: Oh, here's room service! Who ordered champagne?
  Cyril: Uh, how should I know?
  Archer: Exactly, you're baked, you can't remember! But since when does it take three huge, surly Jamaican guys to deliver one bottle of champagne!
  Cyril: Aah, because they're assassins too!
  Archer: Or! Maybe one guy's a new waiter, the second one's training him and the third's from maintenance finally off his lazy ass to fix the AC!
  Cyril: Oh. Yeah, I guess that could happen...
  Archer: Point is, you come out of the john waving this around (lifts up the gun), nobody's gonna bug you for a tip.
• "Shoot! Shoot, bitch! DEMOCRACY IS AT STAKE!"
  • And later:
    Archer: Oh my god, you killed a hooker!
    Cyril: Call girl, she was a —
    Archer: No Cyril, when they're dead they're just hookers!
  • And again:
    Cyril: You and your stupid mother and her stupid frothing loins...
    Archer: (smacks Cyril) Hey! I know you're upset, but if you EVER mention my mother's loins, OR their frothiness to me again... I don't know what I'll do... but it will be bad! Now let's go bury this dead hooker.
• Malory's Mistaken for Racist comment about not wanting Archer to end up with Lana. "My God, a black...ops field agent?!"
  • "Immigrants, that's how they do y'know! Driving around, blasting all the raps and shooting all the jobs!"
• Archer finds a situation ironic.
  Archer: Ironic, isn't it?
  Cyril: I'm not sure that's technically irony.
  Archer: WHAT?! This is like O Henry and Alanis Morissette had a baby and named it this exact situation!
  • When Cyril is driving off with Lana
    Cyril: Oh, and Archer, how's this for ironic?
    Archer: I dunno, I don't have a one to some other number scale, but, I guess, six?
    [Trinette starts knocking from inside the trunk]
    Archer: Oh my God Trinette!
    Trinette: Yeah, you shit-ass!
    • And at the very end of the episode, after it turns out that Trinette was Not Quite Dead and has already taken Archer's wallet, watch and car, it turns out that he still has one more valuable to lose.
      Archer: You know, I bet there's a lesson to be learned from all this, but I—Oh, shit! My rug!
• When Lana catches Archer and Cyril with a not-so-dead hooker in the trunk.
  Cyril: Oh, Archer, what should tell her?
  Archer: Well, if you learned anything today, it won't be the truth.
  [cut to Cyril talking to Lana]
  Lana: I don't care if there's FIFTY dead hookers in there! You lied to me!
  Archer: Did not learn a thing.

"Diversity Hire"

• The flashbacks of all the dead ISIS agents that were outed by Archer drunk-dialing them.
  • "Loose cannons!"
• ISIS needs to hire another Token Minority:
  Archer: What? You're black...ish.
  Lana: Ish?!
  Archer: Well, what's the word for it, Lana? You freaked out when I said 'quadroon.'
  Lana: Imagine that!
  Malory: Both of you, imagine shutting up!
• Archer and Conway's encounter in the locker room.
  Conway Stern: What, you, uh, you see something you like?
  Archer: Wh- no, you... queer.
  Conway: [laughs] Oh, I'm queer? From the guy whose tiny gun came with a matching purse.
  Archer: Hey, it's got plenty of stopping power.
  Brett: Hah! That little...
  [Archer shoots Brett]
  Conway: Oh shit!
  Brett: God damn it, Archer!
  Archer: See that?
  Brett: Again!
  Archer: He was putting on his pants, and I stopped him. So you just watch your step, mister... damn it.
  Conway: Hey, right there, what you should have gone with was "Sammy Gay-vis Jr."
  Archer: Damn it!
• Archer filing a sexual harassment complaint against Conway Sterns after their penises accidentally touch in the ISIS locker room.
  Pam: You're kidding.
  Archer: I'm dead serious.
  Pam: Yeah?
  Archer: I want to file an HR complaint against Conway.
  Pam: On what grounds?
  Archer: He touched my penis. With his penis.
  Pam: Wow.
  Archer: Yeah, he just went up to me and was all, "bwoop!"
  Pam: Where?
  Archer: All of it, head and shaft. (Beat) Oh, you mean "where" in the building?
  Pam: Yeah.
  Archer: Because that doesn't seem like it should matter.
  Pam: Well I've got this complaint from Brett, who says you shot him again.[holds up file]
  Archer: See, here's the thing about Brett... [grabs file and runs off]
  Pam: Aw shit! That was the newsletter!
  • Later, when the incident comes up again.
    Lana: Have you noticed anything weird about Conway Stern?
    Archer: Other than the fact that he's not circumcised?
    Lana: Okay. Glossing over how you know that—
    Archer: We touched penises.
    Lana: NO! GLOSSING!
  • And again...
    Lana: An uncircumcised Jewish guy? That doesn't seem weird to you?
    Archer: Well, I'm not Jewish and I am circumcised, so it can go the other way around.
    Lana: It doesn't work like that.
    Archer: Lana. Come on. I think we both know it works fine.
    Lana: Aw, come on! Not your dick, dumbass!
• Lana is suspicious of Conway, but Mallory isn't interested in her concerns:
  Lana: Okay, fine, I can't prove anything right now.
  Mallory: But that never stopped J. Edna Hoover from persecuting Martin Luther King now, did it?
  Lana: What does that have to do—wait, J. Edna?
  Mallory: You never heard that? How Hoover was this huge, cross-dressing chicken hawk?
  Lana: I had not.
  Mallory: Well, that's exactly the kind of slanderous and unsubstantiated rumor I will not tolerate at ISIS. Think about that while on suspension.
  Lana: While I'm on what?
  Mallory: What are you, deaf and racist?
  Lana: Wha? - I'm black.
  Mallory: Oh, put it back in the deck.
• Another Danger Zone reference. After Conway gets away, stabbing Archer in the back (literally) in the process, as Lana's informing him:
  Lana: Whoever he is, he ghosted an ID file onto our worldwide database.
  Archer: Which you probably found while researching me...
  Lana: *sigh*
  Archer: Lana 'cause you're in the uh... Danger Zoooone! *cough from weakness*
  Lana: And those were his last words, as he bled to death on the rug.

"Killing Utne"

• "What, [Woodhouse] thinks he's people!"
• When the Germans realize that Archer is there we get this flashback with what implied is Russian Roulette:
  Archer: Oh my God. (Sees that everyone around the table is dead) I can't believe they fell for that.
• Krieger: I call him Fister Roboto.
  • But he doesn't just fist!
  • And the best thing is, is that he's learning.
  • He's just so damn sensitive!
• After being reminded of Jakov's orders that they must not harm Mallory.
  Uta: But her I want to poison most of all.
• Archer finds Elka's pocket mirror-shaped communicator.
  Jackov: [through communicator] Hello?
  Archer: Hello?
  Jackov: Can you hear me?
  Archer: What? Wait, what the hell?
  Jackov: What is the frequency?
  Archer: ...Kenneth?
  Jackov: Turn off! Turn off! Turn off!
  Archer: What? I can't hear you, tiny man. Oh, great. Thanks, mother, for replacing the baby aspirin with LSD. God, that is just [takes more] classic her.
  • Manfred and Uta escape, leaving the kitchen full of pots and dishes.
    Archer: And they didn't even wash one dish.
    Malory: This is funny to you?
    Archer: I had some of that LSD you had labelled as baby aspirin.
    Malory: That was baby aspirin.

"Honey Pot"

• This exchange between Malory and Major Jakov:
  Malory: Wait, you set this whole thing up so I would have to move in with you and your mother?!
  Jakov: No! It was merely incompetence!
  Malory: And that makes it better?
  Jakov: ...doesn't it?
• Archer's Overly Stereotypical Disguise of a gay man. Got dick?
  • "Is this some kind of viral marketing? Or are you literally just asking if I have a penis?"
• Archer asks Woodhouse why he doesn't have clothes for Miami, and Woodhouse reminds him why:
  Archer: (Tosses over Woodhouses clothes) And your shoes! Because how hard is it to poach a goddamn egg properly?!?
  • Later on, Charles and Rudy suggest to Archer that maybe he should act like he was with a female companion in order to seduce Ramon. Archer then has the same moment as what he did to Woodhouse above, but to a naked Cheryl.
    Woodhouse: I believe he means before you lure them into the apartment sir.
    Archer: Oh, yeah, that makes more sense.
• "Well I'M dangerous, AND I'm gonna win, AND gay sex!"
  • The moment before this one was hysterical, as Archer had returned from a cock-fighting ring that Ramon frequented.
    Archer: I just spent half the night burying some Dominican guy's rooster!
    Rudy: Fun! Beat Oh, you meant that literally.
• Archer asks about the contents of a DVD.
  Ramon: If you see what's on this disc...well, if you weren't gay before, you will be.
  Archer: What is it, a sex tape of Mother? (realizes that's exactly what it is) Oh my G...! *vomits*
  • Sure, it's black comedy, but Archer's mirth stemming from the following dialogue between him and Ramon.
  *Archer starts to laugh after Ramon suggests having sex*
  Ramon: And just why is that so funny?
  Archer: No, not that. Woodhouse. He's all alone, tied up somewhere. Sc-*starts to laugh again* scared and alone. Probably dehydrated!
• Lana, Pam and Cheryl play "Kill, Bang or Marry". Completing it allows one to view what everyone else chose.
  Lana: (on completing the game) ... CYRIL! CYRIL YOU GET IN YOUR ASS IN HERE RIGHT NOW!
  Cheryl: Is it because he said he wanted to bang Danny the intern?
  Pam: No, I think it's because he said he wanted to marry her.
  • And, of course, Pam is an automatic "Kill" (despite her standing right there), with the excuse of "It's a bad picture, Pam" every time it happens.

"Skorpio"

• The mission:
  Archer: So I get to go to the French Riviera on the ISIS dime to do what, exactly?
  Malory: Locate a stolen shipment of Red Eye missiles and kill the arms dealer trying to sell them, Spirodon Skorpio.
  [Video screen behind Malory displays a picture of an overweight, hirsute man in a bathing suit]
  Archer: Whoa! What, is diabetes busy?
  Malory:Don't underestimate Skorpio. There's a reason the bounty is so high.
  Archer: Like, high enough to redo my kitchen?
  Malory: Ugh, what did I tell you?
  Archer: That saltiel tile is terrible for a kitchen because it's so porous.
  Malory: And Mexican whorehouse-y! So I'm sure your cook feels at home.
  Archer: Hey! Peeta isn't a whore!
  Malory: Not until you got ahold of her.
  Archer: First of all...
  Malory: Oh shut up! The bounty on Skorpio is more than enough for a new kitchen.
  Archer: There's also the nook, though.
  Malory: The rest you can set aside for Peeta's inevitable... "medical expenses".
  Archer: Ugh, like one time that happened!
  [flashback to Peeta holding a pregnancy test, throwing up from morning sickness and presenting a pee-stick in place of food while Archer is on a date]
  Archer: One, three times. But it's the Pope's fault she won't let me wear a condom!
  Malory: Well why don't you wear a vasectomy?
  Archer: Oh this again? Don't you want a grandkid?
  Malory: If I did, I'd just scoop all your previous mishaps into one big pile and knit it a onesie!
  Archer: ...Jesus Christ.
• Malory and Jackov are trying to have a romantic getaway.
  Jackov: Yes, so, heh heh, did I say is nice boat, or what?
  Malory: Yes, Nikolai, you certainly did... which hopefully explains my shock at finding myself aboard the "Chum Guzzler"!
  Jackov: Oh, ha ha ha! I am just getting that!
  Malory: Well I know one thing you're not getting.
• Archer's False Reassurance of Cyril.
  Cyril: But why hasn't she called? I mean, what if she's in danger, or...?
  Archer: Cyril, come on! Worst case scenario, her cover got blown and Skorpio's raping her senseless before he chops her battered corpse into fish food.
  Cyril: Oh my God!
  Cheryl: How could you say that?
  Archer: What? I said worst case!
• Most of Krieger's lines while he's avoiding work:
  • "I'm sorry, your authority is not recognized in FORT KICKASS!"
  • "I guess I was too busy fantasizing about Archer and Lana having intercourse!!!"
    • Hey Cyril, come on. We all were.
  • "The secret ingredient is phone."
  • Krieger is snorting something off Pam.
    Pam: Hey, uh, whatcha snorting off me?
    Krieger: Mostly MSG.
    Pam: "The flava enhanca!"
  • "Every noun and verb in that sentence totally arouses me!"
  • "Get him out of here, because these corporate bag-munchers owe me six hundred and thirty dollars for my goddamn FLEX ACCOUNT!"
• Archer steals a crewman's uniform to infiltrate the yacht. Said uniform includes a pair of short-shorts.
  Archer: How's my disguise?
  Lana: That depends. Who are you supposed to be? Topper Bottoms, the stern yet sensual skipper of the USS Rough Service?
  [Bound and gagged crewman starts laughing, offscreen]
  Archer: What? They're your clothes, idiot. [shoots him]
  Lana: Ah, damnit, that was the guy in charge of the chocolate fountain!
  Archer: There's a chocolate fountain?
• The aftermath of the Lana/Archer/Skorpio three-way, complete with chocolate boob-prints on the wall behind the bed.
  Archer: That...got a little dark.
• Archer and Lana must shoot their way out of their situation.
  Archer: [as a lingerie-clad Lana fires a heavy machine gun] If this goes tits-up... [trails off.]
  [close-up on the jiggling]
  Lana: Now? Really?
  Archer: Oh, right! Because you walked into Stripper's Discount Warehouse and said "Help me showcase my intellect!"
  Lana: Discount?! This is Fiocchi!
  Archer: I believe it's pronounced "knockoff".
  • And this exchange in the middle of a firefight with arms dealers:
    Archer: So when you filled out your insurance, you weren't thinking about my tan, muscular arms or my ass in the combat firing stance.
    Lana: No! I wasn't. I don't. I mean, I'm...
    Archer: So full of shit your eyes are brown.
    [a grenade is thrown onto the bridge of the yacht where Archer and Lana have taken cover. They both reach for the grenade, their hands touch, and they gaze into each other's eyes]
    Archer: No, they're...
    [Archer tosses the grenade away]
    Archer: oh, my God... they're green.
    [the grenade explodes]
    Archer: Like emeralds. How did I never see that? Lana, your eyes are amazing.
    Lana: Archer.
    [They close in to kiss]
    Archer: Lana, your eyes are amazing.
    Lana: Archer...
    Archer: I mean not compared to your tits, but... *Lana shoots him in the foot*
    Archer: Ow! Ow! What is your problem!

"Skytanic"

• Archer's treatment of the man smoking the cigar.
  Archer: Want to blow us all to shit, Sherlock?
  Captain Lammers: For the last time, it's helium! (to man with cigar) Although this is a no-smoking area.
  • Later
    Archer: "Hey! What are you doing? (slap) Here! (stuffs a wad of money down his throat) Go buy a nicotine patch! (shoves him off his feet)
• Archer's theory on the bomber.
  Archer: Forget about Kraus, there's your bomber. That guy, Beardsley McTurban-head.
  Malory: You idiot. That's Sandhu Singh, the billionaire investor. He's a Sikh.
  Archer: Oh, so if he's not a Muslim he just gets a pass? Well, that's called profiling, Mother, and I don't do it.
  Captain Lammers: Mr. Singh is Excelsior's majority shareholder.
  Archer: So?
  Captain Lammers: If anything went wrong, he'd lose millions!
  Archer: ... It's the perfect cover.
• Cyril sneaks onto the Excelsior because he is concerned about Lana cheating on him with Archer. Meanwhile, Archer and Lana are arguing about their genitals.
  Lana: "Unkempt bush!? My vulva is smoother than a VEAL CUTLET!"
  *Lana opens the door to find Cyril*
  Lana: What terrible timing.
• "'B,' as in 'butthole,' and 'M,' as in 'mancy!'"
  • Followed by Ray's outraged Big "WHAT?!".
  • "Ray, can I shoot him?"
• And the following meta gem:
  Lana: CAPtain LAMMers!?
  Archer: Nice read, Velma.
• And after Cyril and Lana push about a ton of C-4 off the blimp:
  Cyril: Lana, we made it!
  Archer: (hopping around with bullet wound in his foot) Hooray for metaphors!
  Lana: (to Cyril) I told you. Now what was it you want to talk about?
  Cyril: Oh, there's lots to talk about...
  [the bomb explodes]
  Cyril: Starting with the fact we just bombed Ireland.
  Lana: Um, pretty sure that's Wales.

"The Rock"

• After Cheryl reminds everyone that Malory killed the cleaning ladies after they tried to unionise and proclaims "no union!", Krieger responds with "Confederacy forever!"
• "What do we want? UNFAIR! When do we want it? CHANGE!!"
• Because ISIS uses a laundromat as its front:
  Pam: [But] it looks like we're picketing the cleaners!
  Random Passerby: (throws bottle) Stop picketing the cleaners!
  • Archer: What's with all the bottles? It's like a trailer park Easter.
• Lana: Where's the hobbit guy?
  Archer: Whoa, a hobbit works here now? Jesus, Lana, they're called little people now.
  Lana: No, he's not a hobbit. He's a hobbit "enthusiast."
  Archer: [weirded out] Oh.
  Lana: Yeah, I know, but he knows how to work all the computers and satellites and shit.
• Archer: Frickin' ODIN. I can't believe this.
  Lana: How many are there?
  Archer: About a bajillion.
  Lana: Damn it!
  Archer: Bajillion gay little copycats.
  Lana: What?
  Archer: I didn't invent the turtleneck, Lana, but I was the first to recognize its potential as a tactical garment! The tactical turtleneck, Lana.
  Lana: Archer.
  Archer: The tactilneck!

"Job Offer"

• Archer's inadvertent taunting of Barry after having sex with his girlfriend in .
  Archer: Seriously, I must reek of her. Here, can you smell her on me? That chick was like, the Pele of anal.
• This exchange:
  Lana: We'll never catch him in this thing!
  Archer: Maybe you should have thought of that before you blew the damn drop!
  Lana: I blew Jack Shit!
  Archer: Name dropper!
  • "It's only you that beats you, buddy."
• Malory's increasingly defensive remarks re: moving and leaving Archer alone on Christmas
  Malory: Eve! It was only Christmas Eve!
• Len Trexxler finds out Archer thought Barry was offering him a job and had been calling incessantly.
  Barry: I blew him off.
  Len Trexxler: No no no! Barry! You blow him on!
  Barry: (weirded out) On... as in... hire him...?
• Later, Malory puts out a burn notice on her own son in a fit of rage.

"Dial M for Mother"

• Lana having all the guys in the office line up to have sex with her (or at least say they did) to spite Cyril. Even Ray, because as he puts it, no one is gay enough to turn down sex with Lana.
  • When it's questioned how Cyril will handle this, the scene cuts to Cyril in the bathroom, loading an M14 a lá Full Metal Jacket.
    Seven. Six. Two. Millimeter. Full. Metal. Jack...[stall door is opened] SOMEONE'S IN HERE!
• Cheryl attempting to break up with Krieger because of his weak, woman-y hands.
  Kriger: Wait, no! [takes pill bottle out of pocket] I'll take steroids!
  • Later, Krieger suggests using Fister Roboto as an alternative to him choking Cheryl. While trying it out:
    Cheryl: [panicked-sounded gurgles]
    Krieger: Oh, God, sorry. Sorry! [shuts F.R off]
    Cheryl: [catching her breath] What are you doing?
    Krieger: I thought you said start slacking off.
    Cheryl: Not slacking off.
• The grilled cheese scene.
  Archer: I'm hungry.
  Malory: So lick that coat. You smell like a...
  Archer: Grilled cheese.
  Malory: What?
  Archer: Grill me a cheese.
  Malory: I'm not grilling you a cheese!
  Archer: (begins sobbing)
  Malory: Wha-
  Archer: (continues sobbing)
  Malory: Oh, for God's sake.
• The scene where Malory argues with Archer about his father and about how worried she was is full of comedy gold.
  Malory: Waltz in here, dressed like some sort of cattle rapist, waving a cleaver and reeking of what I hope to God is meat, and that's all you have to say?
  Archer: I don't know.
  Malory: I was worried sick! Called you twice, came this close to leaving, and why doesn't your voicemail just say "leave a message, I'm a jackass?"
  Archer: I don't know.
  Malory: (mockingly) I dunno! I dunno! What is wrong with you?
  Archer: My head hurts! And I have no father!
  Malory: Sterling, of course you have a father. Just maybe not the one you wanted.
  Archer: And YOU!
  Malory: And me neither! Because even though the whole weekend was a big jazzy blur, I'm pretty sure it wasn't Buddy.
  Archer: All these years, you lied to me!
  Malory: Sterling, I was protecting you!
  Archer: From WHAT? This sandwich?
  Malory: Whu-
  Archer: THIS IS SWISS, MOTHER!
  Malory: Because that's all I had! You ASS! Just like I'm all that you have!
  Archer: Well, I hate it! (throws grilled cheese he was crying over) And I hate YOU!
  Malory: Sterling Malory Archer, you will eat every last crumb of that sandwich.
  Archer: NO!
  • Also, the scene after it, where Archer goes crazy after hearing Malory's phone (and Malory screaming in fear).
    Archer: AAAH! AAHH!
    Malory: Whu- Sterling, stop that this instant!
    Archer: UBIL MAT! Kill mother!
    Malory: Waaaah! (runs away)

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