Funny / Archer Vice

"White Elephant"

• When ISIS comes under gunfire by unknown attackers, Archer springs into action only after he hears Lana yelling:
  Archer: LANAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! (runs out of Malory's office)
  Malory: (''mimicking Archer'') Lanuuhhhh!!! Ugh, not her birthday. [Takes a sip]
  • With the reveal that the guys that were attacking the ISIS group being FBI, Malory walked out of her office annoyed and said this is her second worst birthday
    Archer: How is this better than your second fake fiftieth!?
• Archer joins the gunfight:
  Cheryl: Get away from us.
  Pam: Yeah. They’re shooting you.
  Archer: Who?
  Cheryl: The storm-ninjas.
  Archer: What? That’s not a thing, idiot! [Looks up and sees the black-masked-and-goggled assailants] Oh. I stand corrected.
• Cyril, Krieger, Cheryl, Pam, and Ray all ratting on ISIS to get non-existent immunity. Highlights of which include:
  Pam: And I think there was something about throwing a bone in me?
  Krieger: Is it murder if they were my own clones? I'm seriously asking.
  Cheryl: I wanna say... Burt Reynolds?
• Archer and Lana fighting, ending with this gem.
  Archer: Miss "My-Baby-Is-From-A-Sperm-Bank because I can't keep a man, because, in addition to my million other neuroses, I HAVE A WEIRD SHAPED VAGINA!"
  • And right after that, when she and Archer are having it out, she tells him "There is no we! Well, there's this we!" and points a loaded gun at her pregnant womb. Notably, Archer is the one to draw attention to the stupidity of that move.
• Bluffing their way into the interrogation room where Malory is with gent Holly:
  Cheryl: Oh, Clyde? Clyde, is that you dear? It's me, Mrs. J. Edgar Hoover's mother!^note  Clyde Tolson was an associate director in the FBI and is widely-believed to have been Hoover's longtime lover.
• Malory's response to Lana's hypothetical proposition on what to do with the literal, not figurative, ton of cocaine.
  Lana: So, what, we form a cartel?
  Beat
  Malory: Well, how hard can it be? I mean-
  Lana: Don't.
  Malory: -If Mexicans can do it?
• When the main characters all talk about what they would do now that they were losing their jobs and had to get new ones. Best moment of that meeting was arguably Cyril saying he wouldn’t want to go back to his accounting job, to which Archer replied, “especially after mother gives you a shitty reference. Mother, do that.”

"Archer Vice: A Kiss While Dying"

• Cheryl trying to sing.
  Malory: God, how I envy the deaf.
• "He gave his palabra, Lana!"
• The reveal that Cheryl is actually a great singer/guitar-player when she thinks no one watching, due to Krieger’s numerous cameras (The ones not in the bathrooms or swimming pool.)
• Not even two days into their activities as a cartel, and Pam's already addicted to cocaine... By eating it. The latter point of which is lampshaded during the episode. Though really, her addiction started because they smuggle the cocaine in the form of a full-body cast Pam is wearing, and she absorbs a bunch of it through her skin.
  Charles: Okay, 2. How can you eat a pound of cocaine and not be dead?
  Pam: I've actually never felt better. [swallows] I hope that lasts.
  Charles: Oh, I'm sure it will.
  • Say nothing of her antics whilst high as a kite on the stuff.
    • And of course, when Archer's trying to tell Lana that he and Ramon hadn't hooked up, he finishes off with "That's crazy! We didn't even kiss!" This comment has Pam's immediate and undivided attention. Even better since she was zooming around (actually making racecar noises) until Archer's statement, where she zips up to a complete stop like a chubby, blonde Road Runner.
• Pam is on the defensive due to feeling judged by Lana for her newly-developed cocaine addiction. Archer is unconscious in the back seat, Pam having shoved him into the wall earlier:
  Pam: Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay, so I should take life advice from an unwed mother?
  [Archer slides sideways in his seat, leaving a trail of blood on the leather]
  Pam: With a dirty car?
• Lana running while pregnant to help Archer:
  Lana : [clutching tummy while running] Sorry baby, sorry baby, sorry baby, sorry baby, sorry baby-!
  Pam: (in the background) LANAAAA! Get cocaine!!
  Lana: [After reaching the door, about to bust it in] (to the baby) You name it, kid. (panting) Savings bond, a puppy, breastfeed ya senseless.
• When Cyril reveals the money from Charles and Rudy was counterfeit, Mallory asks if things could get any worse. Archer slowly knocks over a stack of bills while sporting a shit-eating grin.

"Archer Vice: A Debt of Honor"

• After being in a full-body cast made of cocaine Pam is seriously addicted to it. To the point where when Archer threatens her at gunpoint to stop she pretty much buries her head in the bag of coke she has to eat as much of it as she can, as fast as she can.
• When Malory calls Pam "Coke-ie Monster."
• When Cyril asks just where in Cheryl's mansion he'll be able to lock up what remains of the cocaine:
  Archer: Cyril, look around! Somewhere in this mansion, I have to assume, is a gigantic Scrooge McDuckian vault!
  • When it turns out there is no such vault in Cheryl's mansion, Archer postulates "an old-timey gymnasium full of Indian clubs and medicine balls"... Which, it turns out, there is, as they cut to Woodhouse in one such gymnasium, dressed in old-style wrestling spandex, and currently trapped under a medicine ball.
  • When the yakuza come knocking for Pam:
    Woodhouse: (still trapped) Dear God! Telephone clanging away, and me trapped! It's a good servant's worst nightmare!! I don't see how this could possibly get any wor- (Doorbell rings) Oh.
• When Pam reveals she's had a threesome with yakuza thugs (one being an old man named "ojii-san", which is Japanese for "grandfather"):
  Archer: Jesus, can the mind vomit?
  
  Archer: [After a cutaway reveals a picture of naked Pam with whipped cream on her breasts and nether regions] Ugh, yes, the mind can in fact vomit!
• Krieger mistakes the two yakuza at the door for Chinese guys from a takeout place, only for his Virtual Girlfriend to take offense when Malory corrects him:
  Krieger: Oh for-! I don't get all pissy every time you mistake a Dutchman for a Swede! Either time that happened.
• After Mr. Moto (George Takei) berates one of his men for opening fire without permission, the one standing next to him plays the same Losing Horns app that Archer had. Then solemnly bows afterwards.
• To defend against the yakuza Lana says they need to concentrate on choke points. Having a fetish for being choked, Cheryl immediately gets all excited.
• Archer thinking Kenny Loggin's "Danger Zone" was a country song.
• "The phone (snickering uncontrollably) IT WAS WOODHOUSE'S!" Even Lana starts cracking up at that one.

"Archer Vice: House Call"

• Cyril's presentation's visual aides, and half the gang's assumptions that they're penises (they're supposed to be thermometers).
  Cyril: NO! [smacking the board with a pointer on each word] THEY! ARE! NOT! COCKS!
• Archer eating Pam's cocaine in a yogurt cup, and his horrified expression upon believing that's actually what yogurt's made of.
  Archer: Oh my God! And little kids eat it?
• When Archer insists that they tighten Pam's restraints:
  Lana: That's tight enough! We're not making tit-bondage porn!
  Archer: That's a thing?
  Cyril: Oh yeah.
  Malory : (disgusted) Urgh.
  Archer: Ditto. I just don't want her to escape. I mean, you know how strong she is. She may as well be green and half-deaf.
• Archer's complete lack of knowledge to the various genres of pornography. Which even gets lampshaded at one point.
  Cyril: How do you not know the different types of porn?
  Archer: Because I have sex with actual women, Cyril! My girlfriend's not equal parts the Internet, a tube of Kentucky Jelly, self-loathing, and a sock!
• When Krieger enters the room through one of the secret passageways to the room, we get this little exchange, which leads to some rare sentences:
  Cheryl: I think that's why the colored maids never felt safe. They'd be polishing a spittoon or whatever, an' suddenly [makes a scary face] GRANDPA!
  [Everyone gasps in a startled manner]
  Cheryl: (giggling) Yeah, and dressed up like a ghost?
  Lana: What is it with your family wearing ghost-costumes to scare black people?!
  Cheryl: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE MAKING TIT-BONDAGE PORNOS IN MY ANCESTRAL HOME?!
  • Hell, any story involving Cheryl's racist grandfather. Apparently, several of the tunnels underneath the house were dug by him trying to dig into the underground railroad to recapture escaped slaves and sell them back to their owners. Not only did he think the underground railroad was an actual physical subterranean railroad, he also did this in 1890. ^note  For those not up to speed on the timeline of slavery in the USA, the Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution, which abolished and outlawed slavery, was ratified in 1865
  • It crosses the line even further when you realize Grandpa Tunt's "ghost costume" probably really was...
• Archer's succinct summation to Pam on how they intend to cure her of her cocaine addiction via mind-control microchip.
  Pam: (groggily waking up) Wait, what're we doing?
  Archer: Stabbing science into your brain.
• When Malory sends them off to hunt down the hulked-out Pam with tranquilizer guns:
  Malory: Now get out there and have fun!
  Archer: (giddy at the prospect) How could we not?!
• All of Ray's drunken blubbering.
  Agent Holly: My God! Are they... Torturing a woman?
• Lana accidentally tranqs Woodhouse when Archer startles her and uses him as meat-shield (due to knowing she'd shoot without looking first). Woodhouse has just enough time before passing out to give us this little gem:
  Woodhouse: (to the dart) Hello, old friend. [Passes out and is unceremoniously dumped on the floor by Archer]
• The implications at the mentioning of Archer's college semester abroad.
  Malory: Cobra Whiskey and ladyboys, I mean,-
  Lana: HA!
  Archer: Shut up!
• The introduction of Cheryl's country-singer persona, "Cherlene."
  Lana: Um... Cheryl?
  Cheryl: (in a twangy southern accent) Nah, Cheryl's gone. I'm Cherlene now, an' if somebody don't fry me six goddamn eggs an' some Carolina fries, I would personally be shocked, shocked! I tell you- if by mornin' this place ain't burnt ta the ground! (Yawns and wanders off)
• "Exactly, as in Doctor Who money."

• When Agent Hawley asks why Ron is in a hospital bed, everybody starts offering suggestions, including: gout, mumps, vasectomy, gout-mumps.
  Krieger: Progeria! [sniffles] He's just a little boy!

"Archer Vice: Southbound and Down"

• Ray getting annoyed with Krieger for waiting so long to turn his legs back on. Krieger's response: turn them back off.
  • Krieger takes it even further than that.
    Ray: [uncontrollably goose-stepping with his left arm raised while Ride of the Valkyries plays in the background] THIS QUIT BEING FUNNY TWO HOURS AGO!
    Krieger: (in his underwear, holding a remote control) It's not supposed to be funny.

"Baby Shower"

• Archer calling out Cyril for holding a grudge against Lana going with artificial insemination, commenting that she was so far out of his league, it would have counted as interspecies breeding.
• Pam being told to "blow it out your ass" by Malory... and promptly farting.
  Archer: I was hoping you'd do that.
• Woodhouse finally got a nice zinger.
  Archer: And, Woodhouse, if you spend any of this on heroin, you better buy enough to OD on, because-
  Woodhouse: Will do! [takes the money and runs off]
  • Which comes back as a Brick Joke when he comments that "I only had $200" after being given twice that.
• Archer confuses baby showers with bachelorette parties and suggests getting penis-shaped water guns for Lana's shower.
• The degree of Cyril's "No. Just… No" Reaction to premise of "the Dirty-Diaper Game".
  Cyril: Stop! Yeah, let me just stop ya there because, if you finish that sentence, I am going to rub cocaine in your eyes until you are blind.
  Ray: ... Goddamn, Shawshank.
  • Ray's enthusiasm towards describing said game to Cyril.
• After handing out over a grand to finance the baby shower, Pam asks where he's getting the money since ISIS shut down months ago. The next bit is hilarious as he reveals he sold some art, with the next scene:
  Charlene: Goddamnit! [pointing at a space where a painting was hung] What I say about you staying on the walls, ghosts?
  • The fact that Archer managed to sell a painting all by himself all the while screwing up the drug operation, or lack thereof.
• Krieger tries enlisting his girlfriend to help pack the cocaine. Since she's pretty much a hologram, her hands just pass uselessly through the packages. She looks suitably irritated.
• Both Archer and Cheryl thinking that a glass pool on the side of top floor of the hotel being a dumb idea though probably realizing it be a good place to bang.
• Archer telling Kenny Loggins he doesn't frigging care what's in the case which he thinks either has uranium or a human soul.
• After five seasons of making "Danger Zone" jokes and referencing Loggins, Archer is rather annoyed to find out Lana has zero clue who he is.
  Archer: That's Kenny Loggins!
  Lana: [Gasp] From Kenny Loggins Roasters?
• Pam and Cheryl taking Malory's "tranny" comment seriously (Well, possibly semi-serious, in the case of Pam) much to Lana's annoyance.
  Pam: You think if I had 100 pounds of coke I'd be sitting here playing choo-choo spoon with a tranny?

"Smuggler's Blues"

• Unable to track down Archer, Ray, & Cyril, Malory asks Krieger to use the satellite network to find them:
  Krieger: ISIS had satellites. The, whatever we are, Gang Who Couldn’t Sell Coke Straight, doesn’t even have cable.

"Rules Of Extraction"

• Archer, Cyril and Ray are being driven to be executed in the jungle and plotting to escape:
  Cyril: Hey, but when we're digging out own graves, they're gonna get cocky, and then we wang 'em with our shovels, right?
  Archer: Cyril, this isn't an episode of B.J. and the Bear.
  Ray: (incredulously) That was?
• Archer expresses his dislike for the jungle after the jeep crashes.
  "Eat a dick, jungle."
• The jeep tumbling around "about 90 goddamn times".
  • GODDAMMIT! (Beat) Why are we not doing "Phrasing" anymore!?
  • Then there was the bit when they found Ray alive in the jeep. Followed by Ray being offended that they just assumed he died and didn't even "take a moment" for him.
• Ray complaining about how Archer always assumes that things will work out for him.
  Ray: You think everything’s going to be easy!
  Archer: Well, it almost always is!
  Ray: Aha! See, that’s what I resent.
  Archer: What do you resent, Ray? My muscly shoulders poking into your tum-tum?
  Ray: I resent that you never take anything seriously because you always assume everything is going to work out for you!
  Archer: It almost always does! [Cyril sighs] Case in point! [Archer gestures to an airstrip and in the middle of the jungle]
  Ray: What the — Goddammit.
• Archer gives Cyril a gun-shaped stick when they're facing numerous armed bad guys, just to troll him. "The only limit is your imagination!"
  • "Cyril, lock and load that stick."
• The Reveal that Ray could walk the entire time, but refused to, just to spite Archer.

"On the Carpet"

• Archer's completely black-and-blue chest from a beanbag gun, particularly his reaction anytime Cyril elbows him there.
• Malory's many Tranquil Fury quips are good for a laugh, but one in particular (when Archer and company are telling her about how their plane started to go down) is a standout:
  Malory: (with sarcastic excitement) Oh, this is exciting! I hope everyone dies.
• The Reveal that Krieger blew up all but 30 kilos of the cocaine when he realized the submarine he was using the cocaine bricks as ballast for was landlocked and he ended up blowing it to pieces in despair.
  • And Malory's reaction to that, where she was going to literally emasculate him, calling for a bowl, a mirror, a needle and thread, and a straight-razor. The mirror is so that he could watch as she did it.
    • Also Krieger's reaction to the initial threat, just as he realizes she actually means literally.
      Krieger: Well no, if you literally ema—(coughs)—Okay, so...
• The attempted photoshoot involving Cherlene, rocket pops, and a film-less camera.
  Pam: You think that's sexy? With the rocket pops outside of you?
  Krieger: But if she eats them, we lose the whole red, white, and...okaaaaayyyyy...
  Pam: Yea, not talking about eating them!
  Cherlene: Wait, what are you...YOU WANT ME TO PUT A ROCKET POP IN MY VAGINA?!
  Pam: Well...for starters...
  • Pam later explains what she was going to say.
    "The butthole, Lana, is what I was gonna say..."
• The following exchange when Archer freaks out about having to land a plane in a likely alligator-infested swamp:
  Cyril: Archer! Alligators, or your mother?!
  Archer: What's the difference? They're both cold-blooded, prehistoric monsters!
  Malory: [clears throat and cuts back] Excuse me?
  Archer: I mean the pain of disappointing you would...bite..aligator...ish...ly.
  Malory: Uh huh.
• And finally, The Reveal that Ron and Malory are going to have an open marriage. Naturally, as this occurs Cherlene's phone rings, revealing that it's Ron (Malory immediately knocks out Cherlene quite violently) and then a few minutes later Pam's phone rings, but she's smart enough to avoid answering it, since the one possibly calling is Ron and Malory is close enough to throttle her.

"Palace Intrigue" Arc

• While flying in to San Marcos, the gang argues about which Breakfast Club character each of them is. With Malory having NO idea what the hell they're talking about.
  Lana: So what, you think I'm Ally Sheedy?
  Malory: Are you all just saying random words?
• The last few gasps for the Phrasing! Running Gag.
  Cherlene: Goddammit! Who the hell drilled my box!?
  El Presidente: Come-come-come-come-come!
  • And its glorious return when El Presidente does it again.
    Cherlene: Phrasing! Boom!
    Archer: (Weakly, having been punched in the balls by Lana) Thank you...
• Archer's definition of anonymous sex and his explanation to Lana for how accidentally doing it to Calderón's wife (thinking she was a maid) isn't anonymous sex is pretty funny. ("You've gotta assume there's a pretty thorough vetting process...").
• Lana punching Archer in the balls as part of her "friendly advice" about his sex addiction.
• When Krieger tells Pam and Cyril about his clones, this exchange ensues:
  Krieger: Guys, come on, let's go!
  Pam: Not without a bunch of garlic and some wooden stakes!
  Krieger: Wha- they're clones, not vampires.
  Pam: It doesn't matter to the stake!
  Krieger: What're you... we can't kill them!
  Pam: Well, not now. We wait till morning and then murder them in their coffins. Cyril, thoughts?
  Cyril: I'm just wishing I hadn't come on this stupid trip.
• A mortar attack, how frickin' outlaw country is that!

• Malory has thrown away Archer's gun, because it had touched his 'junk':
  Archer: How dirty do you think my junk is?!
  Malory: As dirty as if it was made of dirt and then got dropped in some different dirt and then Pigpen came along and kicked it around with his dirty shoes.
• Cyril's inadvertent rescue via tank and Malory bitching that he didn't go with a more conventional vehicle, such as the limousine like she'd hoped for, even though she never specified that's what she wanted in the first place. This of course, leads to Cyril snapping at her like she so richly deserves.
  Cyril: Jesus GOD, woman, NOTHING IS EVER! GOOD ENOUGH! FOR YOU!
  Archer: Haha, right!?
  • Then when Archer tries to take over the tank gun is aimed right in front of his nose. His face tells the story.

"Filibuster"

• Lana tries to make a Star Wars reference:
  Lana: But I just this second realized why you want to stay down here. Cyril's just the Vader to your Palpatine.
  Malory: Is that a reference I should get, or...?
  Lana: Seriously?
  Malory: Well, I'm sorry, Lana, I didn't go to rabbinical school.
  Lana: It's from... No, you know what? Never mind. But, spoiler alert - Vader ends up killing Palpatine!
  Cherlene: But only for three days, right? And then he moves the rock and comes out of his cave stronger than ever.
  Pam: Then he shuts off the tractor beam, releasing the Jews from captivity.
  Lana: What?!
  Malory: Wait, yes, now that sounds familiar.
  Lana: It cannot possibly.
  Malory: Gospel of Luke?
  Lana: Oh for... Ray, you used to be a preacher, you want to back me up here?
  Ray: I actually don't know. My church didn't really do the New Testament.
  Lana: The one... with Jesus Christ in it.
  Ray: I mean, I take your word for it, but...
• Cyril manages to take over San Marcos and push back against the rebels using tactics he learned from Warhammer 40,000.

"Arrival/Departure"

• Cherlene frees a goddamned tiger from the zoo. And then it eats Calderon.
• As the rebels are running away from the airport:
  Charlene: All the gardeners are running away!
• Upon running into Holly and Slater at the airport, Archer and Lana (who is going into labour) realise that they have been part of a Iran-Contra style drugs for arms deal all along; when Archer asks if they at least freed some hostages as part of it, Holly states that it was actually so the CIA could secure an increase to their annual budget.
  • When Archer and Lana reveal they got the weapons from Slater, Holly is apparently none the wiser to this and calls him out for not informing him. Slater brushes this off by insisting he is "100% positive" they discussed it, but when Holly challenges him to name when that occurred, he instantly backtracks it to "80% positive".
• Archer keeps referring to Lana as "Buddy" and she threatens to insert bullets into his body by hand if he does it again.
• Archer referring to Holly and Slater as "Tweedledick and Tweedleballs."
• Malory's comments on how Krieger couldn't just leave the nerve gas.
  Krieger: The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.
  Malory: Said the clone of Adolf Hitler.
  Krieger: Well, Edmund Burke, but...
• The reveal that Krieger never installed a mind-control microchip into Cherlene's head... instead he placed a sticker inside of her brain.
  Charlene: Whoa. So my whole life, all I ever had to do was believe in myself? And inject a sticker into my brain?
• Archer's newborn daughter using his patented "One finger shut-up while I drink" thing.
  • Immediately afterwards, Archer's reaction to who the father is.
    Archer: ...Meep, meep...

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