[WHOOOOOSSSSHHHH!!!]
[da da DA da DA DADAAAAAAA...]
HELLOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I'M HERE ON THE TROPE PAGE!!! Gosh, this is so neat! Hi! How are you? Are you on a Compaq? Do you like the color blue? Do you watch F Troop?? Do you ever get a chipped fingernail caught in a carpet thread? UGH! AUGH! IT'S THE WORST FEELING IN THE WHOLE WORLD!
My name's Freakazoid! I'm a superhero! Or something! I'm really strong! And handsome! And I can run around really fast and I LOVE papaya juice. My favorite show is Hero Boy - I MUST SUCCEED! - and I live in the Freakalair and drive the Freakmobile, and fight crime! I think there's another guy on my network that does stuff like that. But my version is much more Toyetic! Right, merchandising people???
I don't get a toy??
Well, once my fantastic TV show gets three seasons in, I'll be up there with some of the most toyetic-
THEY WHAT?! YOU REPUGNANT, EXECUTIVE........ DOODOO HEADS!!!
WHY I'VE GOT HALF A MIND T—
Hey, Freakazoid. Wanna try this new drink, Surge?
Hey. I'm back. Sorry. Well, the show was really fun! I met a lot of interesting people, including Sgt. Cosgrove! That was my friend. There was also a guy with a giant brain for a head! I mean, he was evil, and kept tying Steph to things, but MAN that guy could sing. And there was Cave Guy - he had a serious impulse control problem - and Cobra Queen! I never like seeing her though because she keeps hiding in the sewers surrounded by POO GAS, and then there's this one lady who could swish her face around to look like other people! What even happened to her?
Oh, and there was this one guy named Candle J- uh, never mind.
I even met the president a couple times, and he got to watch me save the day!
Lookit you cute little tropey things! Yes you are! Little cutie tropey things! You have lil' sweet mints inside you, dontcha!? Little sweet mints inside and if I hug you they're gonna come out! Little sweet sweet sweets! Gimme smoochie smooch!!!
- Achilles' Heel: Well, I'm not supposed to tell anybody, but let's just say that it involves graphite bars charged with negative ions. That's all I'm gonna say. You look confused. Okay, hang on, lemme build it for you.
- DUMB, DUMB, DUMB! Never show the tropers how to trap you in a cage! Well, I think it was either this or poo gas.
- Airplane Arms: Whoosssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........
- Alliterative Name: My other self, Dexter Douglas.
- Arch-Enemy: Guitierrez. He's a weenie.
- Also The Lobe. That's the brain guy. How do you even get like that? Like, was he a human that had some kind of weird lab accident, or was he like a brain that became humanoid? Come to think of it-
- Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!: Oh, people just think I'm a little hyper because I have the entire internet in my brain. Nay, I'm a determined hero! Nothing stands between me and justice! Except a really good Monte Cristo sandwich, especially if there's good jam and the bacon's just right, and there's powdered sugar on top. That's how Elvis liked his sandwiches, you know. And he added half a jar of peanut butter!
- You got any bacon?
- Badbutt: [whispers] I was being marketed to young children!
- Bunny-Ears Lawyer: Of course! That's what my costume's missing!
- Chick Magnet: It's callous and based solely on hormone-riddled teenage indulgences. HEY STEEEEEEEPH????
- Cloud Cuckoolander: If you put baking soda and vinegar together they make a little volcano!!
- ...what?
- Cool Car: The Freakmobile! How toyetic can ya get?
- Cyberspace: The motherland!
- Forgot About His Powers: Oh no, I remember I have super speed and stuff! It's just more fun to do this - Whoosssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........
- Heterosexual Life-Partners: Sgt. Cosgrove! What a great friend. That's the guy from earlier!
Hey Dex! Where are you, nimrod; it's wedgie time!
Aw, nut bunnies. I forgot about Duncan. 'Scuse me. [opens door]
YOU!! MOM, IT'S HIM! IT'S THE BIG BLUE GUY! I WASN'T KIDDI-
Hey there, champ! Let's roughhouse!!
[Relax-o-Vision cuts in for a moment until we return to Duncan hanging upside-down from a rotating ceiling fan in his polka-dot underpants]
Sorry. Where was I?
- Heroes Love Dogs: I briefly had a Canine Companion I rescued from a dog catcher and named Foamy The Freakadog, and he was just the cutest, bravest, most heroic dog EVER!! Sadly, he wasnt really cut out for superheroics, so I had to bring our partnership to an end. *turns around, revealing a vicious, drooling dog in a Freakazoid costume biting his butt* Too bad it had to be mine.
- Intergenerational Friendship: Cosgrove! He's super old, but he's a great confidante and he taught me how to fly a plane!
- Oh yeah, and Roddy MacStew. He's my mentor. He's really ill-tempered and Scottish and one time he taught me to move a brick with my brain.
- The Jeeves: Ingmar, my mute butler! He was great, he built my whole Freakalair from scratch, but he quit to pursue his dream career as a rodeo clown. He was replaced by Servile Snarker Professor Jones, and man, that guy is weird. Also, wasnt he on a TV show with a robot?
- Keet: I'm very in touch with my inner child. As a matter of fact we're due for a conversation today at 6.
- Kid Sidekick: Alas, Expendable Lad, we hardly knew ye.
- Large Ham: No thanks! Dexter's mom has poppers on tonight. Otherwise I'd be like "HEY! Who wants some pot roast and cola?!"
- Loony Fan: Fanboy, bless his chubby little heart! He was harder to get rid of than a Tex Avery cartoon character, I had to finally pawn him off on Mark Hamill to get some peace and quiet.
- Male Gaze: Hula girls!
- Non-Human Sidekick: My first sidekick, Handman! So what if he was just a face I drew on my hand, he was a great sidekick! But he had to leave after he married my other hand and settled down as a family man.
- Psycho Sidekick: HEY!! Foamy was NOT psycho! He just had a bit of a temper problem! And possibly rabies!
- Talkative Loon: Why say anything in few words?
- With Great Power Comes Great Insanity: Sorry, what? I was shaving a picture of Andy Griffith into this cat.
- Are we all clear? Whew. Okay, we're all clear. Okay, now hit the red button.NO!! NOT THAT RED BUTTON!!![alarm goes off]
