YOU ARE TO READ THIS IN THE VOICE OF MIKE JUDGE DOING AN IMPRESSION OF R. LEE ERMEY, OR I WILL KICK YOUR ASS! IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS, AT LEAST TRY TO HEAR AN AMPLIFIED VARIATION OF HANK HILL'S LOUD YELLING!
WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU WANT?! SELF-DEMONSTRATING, HUH? DO YOU WISH TO READ ABOUT ME? ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT MY BOOT TO YOUR REAR?! ALRIGHT THEN, PERMISSION GRANTED! SO LONG AS YOU'RE NOT THOSE TWO STUPID PANTY WASTES! IN FACT, THEY ARE THE VERY REASON I HAVE MY OWN PAGE, THAT AND PEOPLE RESPECT ME ENOUGH! BUT IF YOU DARE TO COMMENT ON THE VERY IRONY OF THE FORMER, I WILL KILL YOU! CLEARLY IT ENDED UP COMING BACK TO BITE THEM IN THE ASS!
I AM BRADLEY BUZZCUT! BUT ON THE CAMPUS WHERE I WORK AND THE SHOW I AM FROM, YOU MAY CALL ME COACH OR MR. BUZZCUT, AS I TEACH MANY SUBJECTS FROM PHYSICAL EDUCATION TO SEX-ED TO GEO-METRY! I ALSO FOUGHT FOR THIS VERY NATION! I WORK FOR PRINCIPAL MCVICKER, WHO ALSO HAS HIS OWN PAGE, LIKE THOSE WORTHLESS SACKS OF ATROPHY!
ALRIGHT, YOU LITTLE TURDS! WE'RE GONNA BE TALKING ABOUT MY TROPES! NOW SHUT THE HELL UP AND READ THEM!
- Arch-Enemy: MCVICKER AIN'T THE ONLY ONE FOR THOSE NAMBY PAMBYS! THERE'S TWO OF THEM, AND TWO OF US!
- Berserk Button:
- DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT OUR FOUNDING FATHERS! DO YOU KNOW WHAT I CONSIDER PEOPLE WHO SHOW SUCH BLATANT DISRESPECT FOR THE MORALS AND VALUES WHICH THIS NATION WAS FOUNDED UPON?! THE ENEMY! THAT'S WHAT I CONSIDER THEM!
- AND DON'T YOU EVER HIT ANY OF MY STUDENTS! THEY'RE MY CLASS, I DO THE ASS-KICKING!
- THE MOST FATAL MISTAKE YOU CAN MAKE WITH A MARINE LIKE YOURS TRULY IS TRY TO FIGHT THEM, EVEN IF YOU ARE A LITTLE PANTY WASTE. IF YOU DO, I HOPE YOU KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT!
- Big "SHUT UP!": WHEN I TELL YOU TO SHUT THE HELL UP, I MEAN IT! SHUT THE HELL UP!
- Chuck Cunningham Syndrome: WHAT?! THOSE BASTARDS AT PARAMOUNT PLUS DIDN'T GIVE ME A SINGLE APPEARANCE IN SEASON 9 AND SO FAR I HAVEN'T APPEARED IN SEASON 10 EITHER? I'LL KICK THEIR ASSES! I WAS ALREADY IN THE DAMN MOVIE! NOT THAT MCVICKER AND I ARE COMPLAINING ABOUT NOT DEALING WITH THOSE BOYS SINCE! THAT SMART ME EVEN RIGHTFULLY DECLARED HIS BOYS GUILTY AND SENTENCED TO DEATH!
- The Dreaded: THE STUDENTS OF HIGHLAND HIGH HAVE RIGHTFULLY LEARNED TO SHUT THE HELL UP THE SECOND THEY HEAR MY NAME! EVEN DAVID VAN DRIESSEN IS WISE ENOUGH TO SHUT HIS SUBORDINATES UP BY THREATENING TO LET ME LOOSE ON THEM! GUESS THAT DAMN HIPPIE IS GOOD FOR SOMETHING!
- Drill Sergeant Nasty: THIS IS HOW I TALK! AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, THAT'S TOO DAMN BAD! PLUS, IT'S MY JOB TO BE NASTY!
- Evil Laugh: I CAN'T RESIST LETTING A GOOD HEARTY LAUGH OUT WHEN EITHER I OR MCVICKER GET ONE OVER ON THOSE MAGGOTS! AH-HAHAHAHAHA!
- Feeling Oppressed by Their Existence: YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD HAVE DONE TO EARN MY ETERNAL ENMITY? I'LL TELL YOU: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. THEY HAVE DONE NOTHING TO ME BUT STAND AGAINST EVERY VALUE AND LAW OF DECENCY I UPHOLD IN THIS GREAT NATION! AND I WILL BE DAMNED IF I STAND BY AND LET THEM DISRESPECT EVERYTHING I FOUGHT FOR! YOU KNOW IT SHOULD SAY SOMETHING WHEN MCVICKER AND I KNOW MORE ABOUT THAT THAN THEY DO!
- Hair-Trigger Temper: IT TAKES EVERY OUNCE OF MY CONTROL NOT TO KILL THEM BOYS! BUT I'LL BE DAMNED IF I LET ANYONE OTHER THAN MYSELF OR MCVICKER TRY TO DO IT IN OUR SCHOOL, EITHER!
- Jerkass: SHUT THE HELL UP BEFORE I KICK YOUR ASS!
- Jerkass Has a Point: NO, I DO NOT EXPECT YOU TO LIKE ME, BUT EVEN YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WORTHLESS DELINQUENT TURDS LIKE BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD DESERVE ONLY THE HARSHEST OF PUNISHMENTS! HOW THE HELL EITHER OF THEM CAN BE SO DAMN STUPID IS BEYOND COMPREHENSION! THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT EMPATHY IS!
- Jerk with a Heart of Gold: LIKE I SAID BEFORE, I WILL NOT HAVE ANYONE DOING THE ASS-KICKING ON MY CLASS BUT ME! THEY WILL BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF EACH OTHER ON THEIR OWN TIME!
- Karma Houdini: SURE, PEOPLE MAY DISAGREE WITH MY METHODS, BUT I'M THE ONLY TEACHER AT MY PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR AN INSTITUTION THAT CAN DISCIPLINE THOSE TWO WORTHLESS BAGS OF DUMB! PLUS, I'M A MARINE; MCVICKER HAS TO KEEP ME AROUND TO KEEP HIS SORRY SUBORDINATES IN ORDER!
- Large Ham: YES, SIR! I AM LARGE AND IN GODDAMN CHARGE!
- Made of Iron: BOY, IT'LL TAKE A LOT MORE THAN A STEAMROLLER OR A CAR CRASH TO TAKE ME DOWN! A MARINE CAN TAKE ANYTHING!
- No Indoor Voice: SHUT THE HELL UP! YOU WILL SPEAK ONLY WHEN I TELL YOU TO AND UNTIL THEN, YOU WILL LISTEN TO AND ENDURE THE FULL POWER OF MY VOICE!
- Non-Indicative Name: MY FAMILY NAME WAS GIVEN TO ME BY MY FATHER AND HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM! IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY HAIRCUT, MAGGOT! THAT WAS GIVEN TO ME BY UNCLE SAM HIMSELF! AND NO, IT IS NOT VAUGHAN! I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE HELL YOU GOT THE IDEA IT WAS, BUT IT ISN'T! IT IS BUZZCUT AND YOU WILL RESPECT IT!
- The Only One Allowed to Defeat You: I REMIND YOU THAT I DO THE ASS-KICKING IN SCHOOL! AND IF ANYONE IS EVER GOING TO KILL BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD, IT WILL BE ME! ONLY MCVICKER HAS THAT OTHER PRIVILEGE!
- Patriotic Fervor: YES, I AM A PROUD AMERICAN! I JOINED THE MARINE CORPS AND I FOUGHT FOR MY COUNTRY! SO YOU CAN BE DAMN SURE THAT I WILL KICK THE ASS OF ANYBODY I CATCH DISRESPECTING OUR FLAG AND FOUNDING FATHERS!
- The Power of Hate: DO YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES A MAN?! DO YOU KNOW WHAT SELF RESPECT IS?! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I LEARNED IN 'NAM WHILE ON THE HO CHI MINH TRAIL, BURNING DOWN VILLAGES HOUSING THE VIETCONG ARMY WITH MY TRUSTY M-16 BY MY SIDE! STRENGTH! ANGER! HATRED! THAT'S SELF-ESTEEM! NOW ARE YOU WITH ME? I SAID ARE! YOU! WITH! ME?!
- Sadist Teacher: TO INSTILL ORDER ON MY PATHETIC STUDENTS, I KICK THEIR SORRY LITTLE ASSES! ESPECIALLY BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD! ONE TIME, I GOT MY CLASS TO BEAT THE LIVING HELL OUT OF A GIFTED STUDENT!
- Semper Fi: IN CASE YOU HAVE BEEN TOO STUPID TO PAY ATTENTION, I AM A MARINE! I FOUGHT FOR THIS VERY NATION YOU LIVE IN, SO YOU BETTER BE DAMN GRATEFUL TO HAVE FINE PEOPLE LIKE ME AROUND!
- Survival Mantra: A Marine can stand anything! A Marine can stand anything! A MARINE CAN STAND ANYTHING!
- The Talk: I HAVE BEEN TASKED TO TEACH SEX EDUCATION AT THE SCHOOL — THAT'S RIGHT: SEX ED! WE TALK ABOUT THE [aggressively leans forward] PENIS! WE TALK ABOUT THE VAGINA! DO YOU THINK THAT’S FUNNY, TROPER? DO YOU FIND IT AMUSING THAT WE TALK ABOUT THE TESTICLES? YES, WE ALSO TALK ABOUT VENEREAL DISEASE! SEXUAL INTERCOURSE! THE SCROTUM! THE CLITORIS! AND- AND WE DEFINITELY SPEND A LOT OF TIME TALKING ABOUT MASTURBATION!
- Too Kinky to Torture: YOU WANNA SEE A MAN? KICK ME IN THE JIMMY!
- *troper kicks Buzzcut in the nads* EEE...YES! DO IT AGAIN! DO IT HARD!
- *troper kicks Buzzcut in the nads again, but harder* EEE...YES, SIR! THANK YOU, SIR! I FEEL NO PAIN, SIR!
- Ultimate Job Security: HIGHLAND HIGH IS A BREEDING GROUND OF SCUM AND DEGENERACY! IT IS FOR THIS REASON THAT PRINCIPAL MCVICKER HAS GIVEN ME FULL AUTHORITY TO ENFORCE STRICT DISCIPLINE ON ALL THESE PANTY WASTES IN ANY WAY I SEE FIT! NO P.T.A. IS GOING TO CHANGE THAT AND IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT SLANDERING ME TO THEM, I SWEAR I WILL PHYSICALLY KILL YOU!
- Villainous Friendship: IF UNGRATEFUL TURDS LIKE YOU THINK THAT UPHOLDING THE VALUES OF THIS COUNTRY IS VILLAINOUS, THEN YES, I AM BY ALL MEANS A VILLAIN! PRINCIPAL MCVICKER IS THE ONLY OTHER MAN HERE WHO AGREES WITH ME AND MY OPINION ON THEM BOYS, SO YOU CAN BE DAMN SURE THAT WE SHARE AN ACCORD ON GIVING THEM THE ASS-KICKING THEY SO RIGHTLY DESERVE!
