Good luck finding any order in this court.
Crypt Keeper: (in silhouette, dressed as a news anchor and seated in front of a microphone and behind his desk, which holds a banner reading "CKNN"; in a gruff voice) From over seas and underworld, it's the Crypt Keeper Noose Network. Good evening, creeps. (in his regular voice) In the news tonight, (images depicting covers of previous Tales from the Crypt episodes appear next to him as he lists them) wolfman bites dog, vampires say "Life sucks.", mummy takes the wrap after years in "de Nile," and illiterate zombies insist they're better dead than read. (a knife is thrown into the back of his head, which he pulls out) This just in! (puts the knife to the side) And our top story tonight... is a nasty little soundbite about an ambulance-chasing lawyer whose about to bleed the toughest case of her life. I call it: Let the Punishment Fit the Crime.
While driving through the small town of Stueksville (pronounced "Sticksville"), ambulance-chasing injury lawyer Geraldine Ferrett (Catherine O'Hara) is arrested for an illegal license plate (therefore driving an improperly licensed vehicle) and taken to the town courthouse. As she waits for her case to be heard, she hears stories of how strict Stueksville's laws are and sees a photo of a public execution... with a modern car visible in the background.
The geeky Austin Haggard (Peter MacNicol) is assigned to Geraldine's case, held in Courtroom A, and negotiates a guilty plea with a sentence of 10 lashes from a whip, but Geraldine rejects the offer and argues that her license plate is in fact legal. Upon being handed a folder of Geraldine's "victorious" cases, the judge finds Geraldine guilty, now aware that she is a complete sleazeball who uses the legal system to benefit herself. Austin asks for Geraldine's sentence to be reduced to public service, but the judge imposes 100 lashes instead. As she is dragged off for her punishment, Geraldine passes a used-car salesman she encountered in the courthouse's lobby, who has had his nose cut off as punishment for committing odometer fraud.
Austin shows up just in time to stop the whipping, telling Geraldine that her case has been thrown out. However, she is arrested again before she can even leave the courthouse, this time for soliciting her legal services to an injured man who already had counsel. She is taken to Courtroom B, a much more foreboding room, and charged with illegally soliciting the injured man. Austin takes her case once again, fumbling his way through a defense that thoroughly fails to sway the judge, who happens to be related to the first one and looks exactly like him, but is much more conservative. Geraldine is convicted, and the judge again turns down Austin's recommendation of a sentence of public service, imposing that Geraldine is sentenced to one year in the pillory.
Once Geraldine is locked in the stocks, she sees blood dripping onto her hand from the ceiling, and is visited by the ghosts of people who have died as a result of the lawsuits she won. A visit from Austin snaps her back to reality, who says that he has appealed her case to the third, still-identical, and strictest judge in the family. This time, she is taken to Courtroom C, which is little more than a bare shed. The third judge upholds the guilty verdict, but changes the sentence to death by electrocution. Austin once again pleads for a sentence of public service, which the judge accepts.
Geraldine flees the courtroom, only to find herself face to face with an electric chair. As she wonders where the exit has gone, Austin enters and explains that the chair is not for her, but for him. The ghosts of Geraldine's victims strap Austin into the chair after he eagerly runs to it. He reveals to Geraldine that he had been an equally crooked lawyer himself, who had been an expert at getting criminals off with light sentences (by simply bribing juries instead of relying on overly-theatrical sob stories) until he tried his tricks in Stueksville and was sentenced to serve as the courthouse's public defender. Now that someone has lined up to take his place, he allows himself to be electrocuted, passing on with a smile on his face. Once the smoke clears, Geraldine finds herself transformed into a female version of Austin. A voice on the intercom tells her to report to Courtroom A as she screams in horror.
Tropes:
- Ambulance Chaser: Geraldine. Very, very much so. It's revealed that she once sued a pacemaker company into bankruptcy, and her lawsuits forced doctors to raise their rates so high as a means of covering their malpractice insurance, that a number of people died because they couldn't afford treatment. The fact that her last name is "Ferrett" illustrates just how weaselly she truly is.
- Amoral Attorney: Geraldine has had innocent medical institutions shut down and indirectly caused the deaths of numerous people by using the legal system to enrich herself. The first judge even lampshades her offenses and denounces her as a disgrace to the profession. Austin reveals in the end that he was a similarly crooked lawyer, even worse than Geraldine, in fact.
- Asshole Victim: Geraldine, who indirectly killed people through frivolous lawsuits that made her rich. Austin was one, too — bribing juries to let vicious criminals off the hook with minor punishment — until he got busted for it and was sentenced to work in Stueksville's court system.
- The Bad Guy Wins: Austin finally gets to kill himself and escape Stueksville, and in doing so, he forces Geraldine to take his place.
- Big "NO!": Geraldine's pretty fond of repeating these, to the point that it's her last line.
- Call-Back: The Crypt Keeper's intro segment has him displaying the covers of previous episodes of the series when describing his upcoming news stories. Covers featured include Werewolf Concerto, The Reluctant Vampire, Lower Berth, and 'Til Death.
- Chekhov's Gunman: Geraldine gives her card to a man in a wheelchair if he decides to hire her to sue whoever injured him. She's arrested a second time after her original case is thrown out because the guy already had counsel.
- Dead All Along: Austin and Geraldine, if the theories about Stueksville being Hell are true.
- Denser and Wackier: This episode is the start of a trend where the last couple of seasons had more and more of these episodes every so often. Case in point, the shameless evilness of Geraldine and Austin, the disproportionate punishments the former is sentenced to, and the fast-paced camera angles throughout the episode (especially the repetitive goofy cuts to Geraldine's face when she discovers what happened to the fraudulent car salesman).
- Disproportionate Retribution: The laws of Stueksville are insanely strict, dealing out harsh punishments going as far as death for even minor crimes. As an example, the car salesman who rolled back his cars' odometers got his nose cut off.
- Geraldine's punishments escalate to ten lashes with a whip, 100 lashes with a whip, a year in the pillory, and death by the electric chair, all in one episode. And as the icing on the cake, she ends up taking Austin's place, even transforming into a gender-swapped version of him to accentuate her horror.
- Even Evil Has Standards: His Disproportionate Retribution sentence aside, the first judge (and likely his triplet brothers) makes it quite clear he is utterly disgusted by how shamelessly unscrupulous Geraldine's ethics are.
- Evil Brit: All three judges (played by the same actor) speak in British accents.
- Evil Is Hammy: Geraldine, the unscrupulous lawyer, has No Indoor Voice and shamelessly sues beneficial companies into the red just to get herself rich.
- Evil Versus Evil: Stueksville's court system is insanely strict in its sentences, but in this case, the victims are crooked lawyers who shamelessly sue beneficial companies out of business to get rich, and bribe juries to get vicious criminals off with a slap on the wrist.
- Fate Worse than Death: All three judges dish out some pretty major punishments, but Geraldine ends the episode by being transformed into a female version of Austin (complete with a dorky suit, thick glasses, and a toupee) and being forced to work in Stueksville's courthouse forever... or until she finds someone to replace her.
- Faux Horrific: If her rapid "no's" were any indication, Geraldine is more horrified at having turned into the incredibly geeky Austin instead of being forced to work in Stueksville's courthouse forever.
- Feet-First Introduction: The opening scene introduces us to Geraldine, and a bunch of background characters by focusing on their feet as they move around the courthouse.
- Foreshadowing:
- The car salesman warns Geraldine that Stueksville is quite strict.
- Austin does a deliberately terrible job of defending Geraldine and keeps suggesting she be sentenced to public service. The ending reveals that he did this because he wants her to take his place as public defender, which would end his own suffering.
- Austin also faces mockery by Geraldine for the way he looks, telling her that "The clothes just go with the idea of being a public servant." It turns out that he meant this literally when Geraldine takes his place after he dies, where she's dressed as a gender-swapped version of him.
- For Want Of A Nail: The entire episode basically happens because Geraldine decided to trick out her license plate at some point, and did so in a way that made it seem like it wasn't valid.
- Frivolous Lawsuit: Geraldine specializes in these, turning on the drama to sue a pacemaker company out of business and forcing doctors to raise their rates insanely high to cover the malpractice suits, indirectly causing many deaths in the process, just to get herself filthy rich.
- "Groundhog Day" Loop: This is essentially what the Fate Worse than Death in Stueksville amounts to, as Austin has been forced to work in the courthouse for a long time before getting Geraldine to replace him. Geraldine, in turn, will be stuck in the same setting until she finds her own replacement.
- Hello, Attorney!: Geraldine, but that doesn't change the fact that she's an utter jackass who got rich off of other peoples' deaths and suffering.
- High-Voltage Death: Austin is put in the electric chair after Geraldine's last trial. Considering life in Stueksville that he's had to live for God knows how long, it's probably a lot more fun.
- Honest John's Dealership: One of the people in the courthouse is a car salesman charged with odometer fraud. His punishment is having his nose cut off.
- Hope Spot: Austin is able to get the initial complaint against Geraldine (the number of letters on her license plate) thrown out. However, she is promptly re-arrested for committing another crime (giving her business card to someone who already had counsel).
- Humanshifting: Geraldine ends the episode by (somehow) being turned into a female version of Austin.
- Ignored Expert: Austin repeatedly advised Geraldine not to plead guilty and quit while she was ahead.
- Indy Ploy: Austin deliberately does a bad job of defending Geraldine because he wants her to take his place, but when the first two judges reject this suggestion, he has to change his approach.
- In Name Only: Aside from having legal trials, this episode has nothing in common with its contemporary counterpart from the comic, which was about a group of kids learning about the legal system and capital punishment, only for the adults to learn too late just why they were so curious.
- Ironic Echo: "I'd rather be dead than you." This comes back to bite her when Austin's death has Geraldine turning into a female version of him.
- Austin also paints Geraldine as insane to have her sentence reduced, reminding her that she's used the same strategy many times herself in the past.
- Ironic Hell: Geraldine, the unscrupulous lawyer who exploited the legal system for her own gain, finds herself subjected to an insanely backwards court system that is rigged to prevent her from winning, and later finds herself forced to work for said court system. Until the episode's ending, Austin was subjected to the same hell, for very similar reasons.
- Jerkass: Geraldine, whose lawsuits have put many people on Death's door while making her filthy rich.
- Jury and Witness Tampering: Austin tells Geraldine that this was how he got various criminals off the hook in his day, rebuking her for relying on cheeseball sob stories to make easy money.
- Karma Houdini Warranty: Geraldine was a crooked lawyer who exploited the legal system and indirectly killed people to get herself rich. When she entered Stueksville, she ended up paying for her money-grubbing ways. Dearly.
- Austin was the same as Geraldine long ago, bribing juries to get criminals a slap on the wrist, and he met the same fate she does long before Geraldine herself does.
- Laser-Guided Karma: As punishment for her immorality and indirectly killing numerous people through her phony lawsuits, Geraldine is transformed into a female version of the geeky public defender she couldn't stand and being forced to take his place as the defender for Stueksville's courthouse.
- Little "No": Geraldine's last words, right before the Big "NO!".
- Maybe Magic, Maybe Mundane: Beyond the town's downright insane legal system, some elements of the episode (the town's name,note the exaggerated design of the court rooms, the "ghouls", Austin's reprieve — and Geraldine's instant transformation into his replacement (not to mention the Ironic Hell nature of their punishments) hint that Stueksville is actually Hell (or a form of Purgatory) for lawyers and other crooked individuals. Then again, the town's name might just be a pun, the weird visuals could be chalked up to a stylistic choice, and the ghouls might just be hallucinations. But if that's the case, how did the ghouls manage to strap Austin into the electric chair at the episode's end?
- Meaningful Echo: "This is a very strict town."
- Meaningful Name: Geraldine Ferrett is cartoonishly and unrepentantly weaselly, using overblown theatrics to sue beneficial companies into the ground and kill innocent people indirectly to make herself filthy rich.
- Austin Haggard, her public defender, is weary and haggard of being stuck in Stueksville for a long time, and aims to get Geraldine to replace him.
- Nasal Trauma: The car salesman with a cold who was found guilty of odometer fraud got his nose cut off after his trial.
- No-Respect Guy: Austin. Even though he's actively doing a terrible job at defending Geraldine for his own means, each of the judges treats him like shit.
- Obfuscating Insanity: A variation of the trope occurs as Austin paints Geraldine as insane after being psychologically abused by her entire family, to get the judge in Courtroom B to reduce her sentence.
- Offscreen Teleportation: Austin appears in front of Geraldine as she's examining Courtroom B, and again as the ghosts are haunting her while in the pillory, possibly as a hint to his true self.
- The ghosts are also capable of this, disappearing when Austin visits her and reappearing as they strap him into the electric chair.
- Oh, Crap!: Geraldine gets two of them. The first comes when she sees a black and white photo of what looks like a public hanging from decades ago, only to spot a modern car off to one side. The second occurs when she discovers that the third judge is related to the first two.
- Older Than They Look: As Austin prepares to be executed, he pulls his hair off to reveal it's a toupee. He's been stuck in Stueksville's courthouse so long that he's gone bald.
- Our Ghosts Are Different: Geraldine is haunted by the bloody, sliced open ghosts of people who couldn't afford basic healthcare due to her frivolous lawsuits. They initially appear to be hallucinations, but we learn that they're the real deal as the ghosts strap Austin into the electric chair.
- Pet the Dog: The one act of genuine kindness Geraldine performs in the episode is to give a tissue to the car salesman with a cold, telling him that shouldn't be sneezing on the judge.
- Punny Name: The town's name, Stueksville, is pronounced "Sticksville"; it's a play on "The Sticks", a nickname for backwards, hick towns in the middle of nowhere. Depending on how you interpret the episode, it might also be a hint as to the town's true nature.
- "The Reason You Suck" Speech: Upon being presented incriminating evidence of Geraldine's lawsuits, the first judge denounces her as a cynical and amoral heap of garbage with a "snotty license plate", and an embarrassment to the legal profession. His brothers share the same opinion of her further along in the episode.
- The ghosts of the people who died as a result of her lawsuits also tear into Geraldine for suing the pacemaker company to bankruptcy, and forcing doctors to raise their rates to cover their malpractice to the point where they couldn't afford treatment.
- Rule of Three: Stueksville's courthouse has three courtrooms presided over by three identical (and related) judges, each more strict and foreboding than the last. Geraldine has the misfortune of being thrown before each one of them.
- Screw This, I'm Outta Here: As part of his above-mentioned Indy Ploy, Austin hauls ass out of the courtroom when the judge presents Geraldine's license plate. He returns a minute later with incriminating evidence of Geraldine's previous lawsuits, revealing the kind of woman she truly is.
- Shout-Out: Geraldine calls the officer bringing her to the courthouse "Dick Tracy".
- Smash Cut: As Geraldine asks what a pillory is after being sentenced into one for a year, the episode instantly cuts to her locked inside the thing, screaming and begging for a new trial.
- Stating the Simple Solution: As Austin prepares to get fried in the electric chair, he tells Geraldine that he was also a crooked lawyer who got criminals sentenced to minor punishments by simply bribing juries, calling her out for always winning her cases with unnecessarily theatrical defenses and chasing ambulances to make money.
- Stereotypical Nerd: Austin is a tried and true geek, with his nerdy, nasally voice, bespectacled and bow-tie-donning appearance. So much so that Geraldine busts out laughing when she meets him and hears that he's taking her case. The end of the episode has Geraldine turning into a female version of him, hinting that (as he said to her earlier) he wasn't dressed in such a way voluntarily.
- Take That!: The entire episode is dedicated to making one jab after another towards the legal system, with lawyers (especially ones as crooked and unethical as Geraldine) getting the most abuse.
- Town with a Dark Secret: Well, not to the locals, but to any outsiders it sure is. Then again, it's possible that Stueksville isn't really a "town" at all...
- Uncanny Family Resemblance: Joseph Maher plays all three judges. Austin tells Geraldine that they're all related, but each one is stricter than the last.
- The Unreveal: Assuming that the theory that Stueksville is actually Hell and Geraldine is actually dead is correct, we never learn how she died in the first place.
- Vanity License Plate: Geraldine's plate says "SUE EM", and she's brought before the courthouse because it's listed as incorrectly numbered, and thus the car is listed as illegally licensed.
- Wham Line: "You are home, counselor."
Crypt Keeper: Talk about trial and terror! Still, (an image of the screaming Haggard!Geraldine appears next to him) I think Geri will do just fine. I mean, aside from the occasional attack of motion sickness! (laughs) And now it's time for business news. (turns to the anchor next to him) So Chip, what happened on the shock exchanges today? (notices that Chip is dead, with the knife he was stabbed with in the intro protruding from his back; blood spurts out of the wound) Oh! Oh, sorry! Looks like it's time for the spurts report instead! (cackles) Oh boy... (cackles harder)
