The Reluctant Vampire
This isn't what it looks like.
Crypt Keeper: (dressed as a vampire and reading from a book titled "Vampirism Made Easy") "I vant to suck your blood!" Mm, that's not right. "I want to suck YOUR blood!" No, that's not it. "I want to suc-!" Oh! Hello, kiddies! You caught me in the middle of my homework. Your old pal the Crypt Keeper's a real believer in continuing dead-ucation. (cackles) Which brings us to tonight's murderous morsel. It's a juicy little tale about a real bloodsucker who never learned to go for the jugular. I call this plasma play: The Reluctant Vampire.
Donald Longtooth (Malcolm McDowell) is a vampire living in the big city, and he sets himself apart from traditional vampires by having the three things most of his kind lack: a heart, a conscience, and a moral compass. Donald also loathes the fact that he must consume human blood to stay alive, but he manages to sustain his cravings by working as the night watchman at a local blood bank, gradually helping himself to the bank's donations. One day, Donald finds out that he's gone too heavy on the blood supply, and his late-night snacking has put the blood bank at the risk of bankruptcy. The bank's owner, Mr. Crosswhite (George Wendt), threatens the staff with mass layoffs to make ends meet, and among the unlucky few is Sally (Sandra Dickson), a sweet and kindly bookkeeper who Donald has a crush on. Hoping to make amends for his gluttony and help Sally and the other employees keep their jobs, Donald starts taking to the streets and attacking criminals, using their blood to replace the blood he's consumed. Eventually, Donald's vigilantism attracts the attention of the police, as well as the attention of vampire hunter Rupert van Helsing (Michael Berryman), so he must figure out how to avoid getting staked in the heart while keeping his secret from Sally.
Tropes:
- Abhorrent Admirer: Sally shows herself to be utterly repulsed by Mr. Crosswhite's advances.
- Actor Allusion: Donald is played by Malcolm McDowell, star of A Clockwork Orange (which also notably features Patrick Magee, who also appeared in the original Tales from the Crypt film). Much like the episode, the film also has small clips where Malcolm's character Alex has vampire fangs.
- Adaptational Heroism: In the comic, Donald wasn't a good-hearted vampire; he was just lazy.
- Adaptational Villainy: Mr. Crosswhite. In the comic, the blood bank really was in danger of shutting down, and the owner was an honest man desperate for a solution. In the episode, Crosswhite made the whole thing up to oust Donald as a vampire and force him to get blood from anyone and everyone he can find to keep the bank in business.
- Bad Boss: Crosswhite, who found out a long time ago that Donald was a vampire, and uses squirt guns filled with holy water to force him to kill people to keep his blood bank in business.
- Batman Gambit: Mr. Crosswhite learned that Donald is a vampire and has been altering the blood bank's records to cover his "embezzlement", taking the records home with him as part of his plan to get under his skin. As he tells Donald that he knows his true identity, he also reveals that he faked the news of the bank being in danger to see just how productive he could be if the need arose.
- Big Damn Heroes: Sally emerges from an empty casket in Donald's apartment, having followed Crosswhite when he broke in, and she helps Donald stop him before his twisted plans for the poor vampire come to fruition.
- Black Comedy: Before helping himself to a mugger, Donald asks him assorted medical-related questions, such as bloodborne diseases, drug use, and dental surgery. He then attaches an IV to his neck, performs the Heimlich maneuver, and later just jumps on him to get the blood out.
- Blackmail: Crosswhite forces Donald to get any blood he can, even if it's not a criminal or everyday Jerkass, by threatening to tell everyone that he's a vampire and allowing a certain vampire hunter to slam a stake into his heart.
- Card-Carrying Villain: Mr. Crosswhite's Establishing Character Moment shows that he's threatening to sack all of his workers except Sally, who he is very much attracted to, and is willing to let her keep her job so long as she enters a steamy affair with him (his words).
- Chekhov's Gag / Chekhov's Gun: Inside Donald's castle-esque apartment, he is shown to sleep in a coffin that retracts into the wall like a Murphy bed. In the climax, he drops it on Crosswhite to knock him unconscious, and then puts him inside it to fool Rupert into killing him.
- Cold Ham: Rupert plays up his utter mysteriousness with every line of dialogue that comes out of his mouth.
- The Cutie: Everything about Sally, her blonde hair, squeaky voice, and kind and sensitive attitude, is meant to raise the "aw" factor. Is it any wonder why Donald loves her? Apart from her secret fetish for creatures of the night?
- Death by Irony: Crosswhite is framed as the vampire who committed that killing spree by Donald, who he was plotting to turn into his slave, and is done in with a stake through the heart by the vampire hunter he threatened to send after Donald.
- Donald was originally going to feed on him, but Rupert and Robinson arriving in his apartment forced him to go with the above plan.
- Does This Remind You of Anything?:
- Every time Sally and Donald hug, his fangs pop out and he scrambles to hide them from her, usually wearing dentures to cover them up.
- Faced with the possibility of losing his job and his easy access to blood, Donald says that he doesn't want to have to go back to "sucking on the streets again."
- Earn Your Happy Ending: Donald manages to pin the blame for his crime spree on his villainous boss, who is staked in the heart. He ends off the episode giving the love of his life a bite on the neck, turning her into a vampire and allowing the two of them to stay together for eternity.
- Embezzlement: A non-money based example, as Donald has been drinking blood out of the blood bank's stock and cooking the books to cover his tracks.
- Everyone Has Standards: Donald is noticeably saddened that all of his coworkers could lose their jobs because he went heavy on the blood supply. As he tries to work out a way to replace the blood he's consumed, he just can't bring himself to attack an old lady walking her dog. The guy that tries to mug her, however, is another story.
- Later on, when it looks like he might have to kill routinely, Donald insists that he wouldn't prey on nuns or orphans, just the truly repellent people that deserve it.
- Fat Bastard: Mr. Crosswhite, who fakes the news of his business going under to lure Donald into killing people to take their blood for his business, and rubs it in the vampire's face that Sally, his crush, is going to be having a steamy romance with him (again, his words).
- Frame-Up: Donald puts Crosswhite in his coffin to frame him as the vampire behind the city's recent crime wave, indirectly tricking Rupert into putting a stake through his heart.
- Friend to All Living Things: Donald has a pet rat named Leopold that he usually keeps perched on his shoulder. He is shown talking to the rat a few times throughout the episode, and even brings him to the blood bank during his feeding time.
- Friendly Neighborhood Vampire: Despite being a creature of the night, Donald is a genuinely good guy. He makes it clear that he's really not a fan of how he has to drink human blood to survive, and settles his hunger pangs consuming the blood bags donated to the blood bank he watches over.
- Freudian Slip: Donald almost reveals the fact that he's a vampire to Sally a few times. The near-end reveals that she actually knew his secret for years.
- Hair of Gold, Heart of Gold: Sally, the blonde bookkeeper who Donald has a crush on, is a total sweetheart who is genuinely concerned about Donald losing his job.
- Hate Sink: Mr. Crosswhite, who faked his business going under to force Donald to blow his cover, then tortures him with holy water to force him to kill anyone and everyone he can find, criminal or not, so their blood can make his blood bank huge profits. He also blatantly lusts after Donald's crush, and rubs in the fact that he's going to be in a romantic affair in both her and Donald's faces.
- Hating on Monday: Donald's first line is a weary "How I hate Mondays."
- Haunted House: Donald's apartment is decorated like a mausoleum, complete with candles, cobwebs, rats, a coffin, ghoulish portraits, and Transylvanian soil.
- Hero Antagonist: Rupert van Helsing, the bumbling vampire hunter who is determined to stake Donald through the heart.
- Holy Burns Evil: Crosswhite is able to injure Donald by squirting him with holy water, nearly having him at his mercy before Sally intervenes.
- I Did What I Had to Do: Rupert gives this as the reason why he had to kill Crosswhite, thinking that he was the vampire plaguing the city.
- I Just Want to Be Normal: Donald just wants to live a life like any other person, in spite of the fact that he's a vampire who must drink human blood to live.
- Immune to Bullets: Thinking that Crosswhite is plotting to shoot him, Donald ominously warns him that bullets can't kill him. Little does he realize that Crosswhite's guns are actually filled with holy water.
- Impaled with Extreme Prejudice: Mr. Crosswhite gets staked in the heart after Rupert mistakes him for the vampire that's been running loose in the city.
- Kiss of the Vampire: After Mr. Crosswhite is staked in the heart and Donald is let off the hook for all the murders, Sally asks him to turn her into a vampire so they can be together forever. Donald is all too happy to oblige, with Sally even moaning in ecstasy as the bite turns her.
- Lighter and Softer: The episode is light on the gore, and it features a lighthearted plot about a good-natured vampire who struggles with the romantic intentions of his coworker while trying to restock the blood bank he works in, attacking criminals to do so. The ending of the episode is also unambiguously happy for Donald and Sally.
- Longing Look: Between Sally and Donald, showing their attraction to one another.
- Love Triangle: Crosswhite/Sally/Donald.
- Meaningful Name: Our vampiric main character is named Donald Longtooth, and his antagonistic boss is named Crosswhite.
- Medication Tampering: Whenever Donald drinks blood during his shift, he alters the blood bank's records to cover his tracks. He soon realizes that Crosswhite may be onto him when he discovers that the records have been removed from their shelf.
- Mundane Utility: Donald has the vampiric ability to light candles with a flick of his hand, which he does in the manner of turning on a lamp.
- Murphy's Bed: Donald sleeps in a Murphy coffin. He later uses this coffin to get the drop on Crosswhite and puts him inside it so Rupert and the police will think he's the "real" vampire.
- My God, What Have I Done?: Donald is left saddened that his heavy blood consumption has put nearly all of his co-workers at the risk of being fired.
- Nice Guy: Even if he's a vampire who relishes the taste of human blood, Donald is a pleasant and well-meaning guy who only kills criminals and drains their blood not just because of his cravings, but because his co-workers are at risk of losing their jobs because of his gluttony.
- Nightmare Fetishist: Besides being attracted to chivalry and sensitivity, Sally also finds vampires and creatures of the night to be "sexy".
- No-Respect Guy: Rupert van Helsing is seen by Lieutenant Robinson as an utter lunatic for his fanatical obsession with vampires. It's justifiable since he's been reduced to appearing on goofy morning radio shows, and has likely been dragging his family's legacy into the mud.
- Offscreen Moment of Awesome: After vowing to become a vigilante and using criminals' blood to refill the supply at the bank, Donald manages to follow up on his promise, donating 500 pints of blood in only two days.note
- Our Vampires Are Different: Donald has many of the same abilities traditional vampires have, but the only thing he can't do is turn into a bat, which Rupert says is a shared trait of vampires that's "just in the movies". His fangs also have a tendency to pop out when he's aroused, so he normally wears dentures to hide them.
- Police Are Useless: Lieutenant Robinson is one step behind for the whole episode, unable to find the culprit of the city's murder spree, and it doesn't help that the only "expert" he has on hand is practically certifiable. When he accompanies Rupert to Donald's apartment and finds Crosswhite in his retractable coffin, he can't get a word in edgewise over how their suspect doesn't seem to be a vampire, and is unable to stop Rupert from killing him.
- The Power of Love: Sally and Donald get together in the end, with the latter turning Sally into a creature of the night so they can be together forever. Even the Crypt Keeper's undead heart is warmed by seeing two lovers so "batty" about each other.
- Properly Paranoid: Despite being seen as a bumbling loon for his beliefs, Rupert is completely right that there's a vampire loose in the city, draining criminals of their blood.
- Rewatch Bonus: Sally's overtures towards Donald, once it's revealed that she knew he was a vampire all along.
- Rule of Three: Before Donald kills and drains the mugger, he asks him whether he has any bloodborne diseases, if he takes any special medications, and if he's had dental surgery in the past 72 hours.
- Secret Secret-Keeper: Sally is revealed to have known that Donald was a vampire years before the story begins.
- Shoot Out the Lock: Crosswhite tells Donald that he was able to break into his apartment by breaking the ancient locks on his door.
- Sophisticated as Hell: When left alone during his shift, Donald prepares the blood he consumes by mixing different types and adding a twist of lime, like one would in a margarita, drinking the concoction from a cocktail glass.
- Spared by the Adaptation: Donald got staked in the original comic, but he survives in the episode, thanks to Crosswhite being placed in his coffin.
- Spinning Paper: A few of them are shown to cover Donald's wave of vigilantism as he works to save the blood bank.
- Super-Strength: Being a vampire means that Donald has much greater strength than an average person, as he is able to lift the hefty Crosswhite into his coffin singlehandedly.
- Token Non-Human: Protagonist Donald is the only non-human character in the episode.
- Vampire Episode: One where the vampire is the main protagonist... and he's actually a good guy.
- Vampire Hunter: Rupert van Helsing. Despite being a descendant of the legendary Abraham van Helsing, Lieutenant Robinson and the police department see him as a nutcase who is mockingly humored for his vampire obsession. Regardless, he does manage to save the day by staking Crosswhite, who he thought was the vampire.
- Vegetarian Vampire: Donald has shades of this trope, despite still consuming human blood. He even reminisces to Sally that he couldn't kill "anything" and used to stay indoors when his family went out "hunting".
- Vigilante Man: Donald decides to become a vigilante and starts "taking a bite out of crime" to replace the blood bank donations he's consumed.
- Well-Intentioned Extremist: Mr. Crosswhite wants to give life-saving blood to people who need it (for a hefty fee), but he was fully planning to force Donald to nab said blood from anyone he could get his hands on, especially if there aren't enough criminals to capture.
- What Happened to the Mouse?: A rather literal example, as Donald's pet rat Leopold disappears by the final act of the episode.
Crypt Keeper: (standing before a woman with fresh puncture marks in her neck) Awwww. It's good to see two lovers so batty about each other. Now that's a relationship they can sink their teeth into. (cackles) As for me, I've got to get back to work. Exams, you know. I hear the final's a real pain in the neck. Not that I'm worried or anything. So far, all my marks have been perfect! (turns the woman's head to reveal the puncture marks; cackles) Mmmmmm!
