Season 1: Aincrad Arc
- Player: Heh heh... I am gonna burn this f***er to the ground.
Later on, a new player is getting his ass handed to him by a pig, and the player from earlier saves him by throwing a rock and killing it. He promptly launches into a very long and very sarcastic story about the Mithril Pebble of Pig Slaying. The second player comments that the first probably gets beat up a lot in real life.
- Player 1 (whiny): Shut up! Here I have power!
They continue to talk, and we learn that the first player's name is Kirito, and the second player is... BallsDeep69. BallsDeep69 explains that it's a joke name, and his current character is just for learning the ropes of the game. He's planning to make his real character later. Well, he has friends waiting on him and a pizza coming, so it's time for him to log out.
- Balls: Hey, Kirito. Um, total noob question, but how do I log out?
Kirito: Are you serious, man?
Balls: Come on, man, it's Nerve Gear. I can't Alt- F4 this sh*t.
Kirito: Alright, fine. It's right... here?
Balls: Oh, thanks, Player's Guide.
The logout button is blank, and neither player can exit the game. BallsDeep69 tries to pull off the Nerve Gear from inside the game, but Kirito informs him that it doesn't work that way- the Nerve Gear disables your motor functions when you're in the game, so you don't get into any accidents- as in the case of one tester, who mistook his roommate for a troll and administered a No-Holds-Barred Beatdown.
- Kirito: So many lawsuits...
They are then teleported into a central forum, along with a lot of other players. Red hexagons cover the sky and blood leaks from between them ("Man, they're really working for that M rating") to form a massive, faceless figure in red robes, who introduces himself as Kayaba Akihito, head programmer of Sword Art Online. He can't make himself heard over the chatter, so he decides to disable general chat- and accidentally mutes himself instead. He quickly figures out his mistake and continues his announcement.
- Kayaba: How many of you have seen TRON? *silence* Eh? Eh? What, seriously? None of you have seen Tron? Sh*t, I was really banking on that. Okay, okay, no problem. I can wing this.
He then goes on to explain that, much like World of Warcraft, all the players are trapped. But in the case of Sword Art Online, it's because Kayaba disabled the log-out button. And if anyone tries to cut the knot and simply remove the nerve gear- well, the result would be reminiscent of Scanners. Nobody's seen that either, so he shows them a clip of the famous Your Head A-Splode scene from Scanners. He then explains that the way for players to escape the Death Game is to make it up to the top floor of Aincrad and beat Sword Art Online, brushing away one player's Fridge Logic of exactly how one's supposed to beat an MMO. He then has another announcement to make:
- Kayaba: Anywho, for all you guys who wanted to play as girls, and you know who you are, well, I've got a surprise for you.
He then summons hand mirrors and transforms their avatars to make them look like their real-life selves. Kirito is younger, and BallsDeep69 (whose name is actually Klein, not that Kirito cares) has shorter hair. A pair of players is surprised to realize that one of them isn't a girl and the other isn't seventeen, but On Second Thought, they're both okay with it.
- Kabaya: As you can see, I have peeled away your petty facades and revealed you for what you truly are: Fairly attractive twenty-somethings. Apparently. Good for you. Kind of undermines that 'cold light of day' thing I had planned. But, still. Way to break down stereotypes. Except you, Fatty. Way to bring down the curve.
He then tells the players that if they 'die' in the game, they're dead for real. It takes him a few tries to get this across because the players don't get it, with one (credited in the Youtube subtitles as 'Al, from Reboot') yelling out "WHAT?" after every explanation he tries, but the headsplosion clip from Scanners gets his point across.
- Kabaya: Yeah, I'm just gonna keep that tabbed. And with that, I bid you all adieu.
He then vanishes, with one last thing to say- he disabled the profanity filter. After a long shocked silence-
- Player: We're fucked!
Later, Kirito and Klein have a talk. Kirito offers to take Klein along as 'cannon fodder' for a miniboss, which Klein understandably declines. Despite calling Kirito 'the most unbearable asshole I've ever met', Klein admits that Kirito's good at the game and offers to let him join Klein's guild- but Kirito has already run away. Klein thinks it's because Kirito believes he's too good for the guild, but Kirito's actually just upset that someone called him an asshole.
He goes on to explain that they've gone on to formulate a few strategies with the help of Sword Art Online's beta testers. He doesn't get to say what these strategies are before he's interrupted by Kibao, a player who hates the beta testers and thinks they're responsible for the whole mess. Evidence for his theories? He needs no evidence. His rant is cut short by a very large black man named Tiffany. Tiffany points out that everyone should have a strategy booklet written by the beta testers in their inventory. He's surprised to learn that no one has actually read it, despite the fact that being good at the game is now literally a matter of life and death. When the players are surprised to hear that 2000 people had died (despite Diabel telling them that a few minutes earlier), Tiffany gives up on them in disgust. Diabel resumes his lecture on the book's strategy on defeating the first floor boss, Illfang the Kobold Lord.
- Diabel (reading): So, as you enter the boss room, he's gonna throw wave after wave of disposable minions at you. And... you must answer in... kind?
Player: Uh, what?
Diabel (reading): Send the weaker players first. Good rule of thumb: if a player asks you for gold two seconds after meeting you, front lines.
Kibao: Hah, serves 'em right.
Diabel (reading): If they hijack conversations to rant about their political views, front lines.
Kibao: Aw, shit.
Diabel (reading): If they ask female players for pics of their boobs, front lines.
Player: Oh, bullshit!
Other Player: That's discrimination!
Third Player: Boo!
Diabel: Now now, people. I think there's some valid points being made here. Now, it goes on to say when Illfang's health goes into the red, he's going to switch from his axe and buckler to something called a 'talwar'. At that point, we should initiate a strategy called the Final Solution, and- I'm just gonna stop reading. Jesus, who wrote this thing?Kirito: *chuckles to himself*
The guide's a bust, but that's okay- the players can come up with their own plans. Except Diabel doesn't have any ideas, and the only thing the others could come up with is "group up and hit it 'till it dies". Since the only other suggestion is a player wanting to hear more about the 'Final Solution', he goes with 'group up'. Everyone does, except for Kirito and one girl in a red cloak- Asuna. When Kirito asks her why she's not joining anyone's group, she says that it's because she doesn't know how to play. And when she says she doesn't know how to play, she means it- she doesn't even know how to open the menu.
- Kirito: What? But you can't do anything in this game without the menu. How have you survived all month?
* Flashback to Asuna staring at a loaf of bread* Asuna: How do I eat you?
*Return to present* Asuna: It's... been a challenge.
She goes on to ask why Kirito hasn't joined anyone's group. He can open the menu, but hasn't joined any groups because the other players are, in his words, "a bunch of mouth-breathing neckbeards who think 'LMAO' is how French people laugh" (another player promptly proves his point). Asuna guesses that it's because nobody wanted him in their group. With everyone grouped, Diabel announces that the players will be leaving at noon, but gets argued down to 2:30 because the players are lazy. Even with that extra time, the players are still exhausted at the boss room, and don't want to fight the boss just yet.
- Diabel: Fuck it, why don't you all just take a Cheetos and Mountain Dew break and we'll reconvene in an hour?
- One Batman-esque scene transition with Cheetos and Mountain Dew later*Diabel: Dammit guys, I was kidding! You weren't actually supposed to take an hour!
They then go into the room to fight Illfang the Kobold Lord and his Sentinel minions (one of whom has an error pop-up). Diabel has difficulty in getting the players to follow the plan ("Squad B, quit attacking the boss and keep the Sentinels off us!"), use any tactical sense whatsoever ("C and D, stop attacking from the front! Do you even know what 'flank' means?"), or even take the battle seriously ("Squad F, for fuck's sake, stop playing Bejeweled!"). Kirito and Asuna (Squad G) are actually fighting seriously, and despite her difficulties with the menu, Asuna's combat technique is flawless. She still doesn't know what 'XP' is, though. Finally, Illfang's health reaches red levels, which is when he switches melee tactics.
- Diabel: Alright, men, this last part's going to take careful coordination. Which is why I'm just gonna do it myself!
Diabel charges at Illfang, but Kirito notices something worrying about Illfang's weapon- it's a nodachi, not a talwar. When Diabel asks what the difference is, Kirito gives a lecture on the origin, history, and use of talwars vs. nodachis. He gets to the point after Illfang has hit Diabel hard- a nodachi is a bit bigger than a talwar, and so has more reach and does more damage. He has a healing potion available, but Diabel has had enough of SAO players' stupidity and refuses it.
Kirito and Asuna end up finishing off the boss, with Kirito dealing the final blow and getting the drop- a black Badass Longcoat. The other players congratulate him, saying that that feat was more impressive than the cat who learned how to play (the cat in question meows). A player named Jeffery is relieved to find out he wasn't hallucinating the cat, but he was hallucinating an image of Jesus who told him to kill everyone. Tiffany offers him leadership of the group, but Kirito is having none of that, insults them, equips his coat, and leaves to become a solo player.
The episode begins in live action by a Christmas fireplace with a posh and sophisticated man playing Super Mario on the DS with a butler nearby. He greets the audience, introducing himself as Sir Jack Dapper, who will be reading the Sword Art Online Christmas, with bourbon of course.
The journey begins in April. Dapper notices it to be a somewhat odd choice for a supposed Christmas story, but he reasons that the tale is probably a "slow burn".
At a tavern, Kirito is approached by a toasting guild, where the leader, a man speaking like a salesman, explains that he was rifling through Kirito's (Private) character page and decided he should join his guild, which Kirito declines. However, the leader puts on a hat that increases his charisma, and Kirito finds himself signing a membership to the Moonlit Black Cats, where he's introduced to three NPCs that he kept from side-quests he never finished (One of which is the tutorial NPC), and Sachi, a meek girl who has a NERV gear that gives to her bad internet connection which causes her to short out in black and white pixels (Which can spread to anyone she touches).
The Tavern immediately lights on fire when the leader pats her on the head. Four people died in the fire.
Dapper explains that Kirito has learnt to tolerate his new guild, comparing him to a fat man tolerate tape worms, which grosses Dapper out and makes him stop.
One night, Kirito gets a call from the leader, Keita, who wants him to find Sachi, which he can't look for because the NPCs have blocked him in his room. Kirito is about to hang up, but Keita is wearing his charisma hat and forces him to go looking.
Kirito finds Sachi under a bridge, where she freaks out seeing his glowing detective eyes. After crying in pain from turning the glowing eyes off, Sachi admits she's scared her lag will get people killed. Kirito realizes he cannot mock that, and along with Sachi calling him an asshole, makes him realize he needs to be better.
- Dapper: If that sounds like a cop-out, congrats. You get a cookie.
As the sun rises, Kirito screams in pain and agony.
Keita calls a guild meeting and tells them they are in debt to the mob. Keita promised them he could duplicate an item that got patched after he sold the item. The Don will only forgive them if the item is replaced, which is on the 22nd floor.
- Sachi: Is that a bad thing?
Keita: Well, let me put it this way: Take the most horrific, awful thing you can think of, and then multiply by cancer.
Keita convinces them that Kirito will be able to help, which he begrudgingly agrees to. Immediately after, he teleports away with the hat.
In the dungeon, Sachi realizes they have no idea what they're looking for. And one of the NPCs opens a box Kirito points out is a trap.
- Kirito: Sachi, you set them to auto loot, didn't you?
Sachi: Yeah, I thought it would save time.
The room is swarmed by various monsters, slaughternots and murdergolems. They quickly kill the NPCs, except for Gary, who teleports away. Sachi lags for a few seconds, and then gets slashed, where the lag makes her last words go from, "Kirito, this isn't your fault," to "Your fault."
- Dapper: Well, that was grim.
Dapper turns the page, to Keita committing suicide by jumping out of Aincrad. In a panic, he turns the page until it's Christmas time, in need of more bourbon.
Kirito is now on a quest to find a tree where he'll find Santa Claus. Teleporting into the forest is Balls' guild, who think he says hello as "My name is Klein."
Kirito explains he's in the forest to find an item to help with this weird pain in his chest from when his guild died, but Klein explains that he's just missing his friends.
The mob teleports in, who are to collect a bounty on his head for the failure in fixing Keita's screw up. Klein offers to hold the mob off while he gets the item, reasoning it might resurrect players. Kirito finally calls him Klein.
- Guildmember: Hey boss, whose Klein?
Klein/BallsDeep69: Don't ruin this for me!
At the tree, Kirito is attacked by a twisted and monstrous Santa Claus. Kirito charges in for a boss fight.
Kirito returns to Klein, now with the same Charisma Hat that Keita had. Kirito thanks him for teaching him there's a part of himself that he had to kill forever. He leaves with a derisive Balls, making his first friend break down for how broken he's become.
It cuts to Dapper, who is now a mess, who rants at the audience for expecting a happy ending. Life is full of disapointment, like how his wife left him for a cabana boy half her age, taking their kids with them to an island in Tahiti. Dapper boasts how he's still rich, before breaking down for how lonely he is, then throwing up on the floor.
- Butler: Merry Christmas everyone.
The stinger is of the survivors of the mob explaining what happened to their don: Fluffles the Cat.
A young girl named Silica is being pressured by her guild leader, a sultry redheaded woman with an overdramatic voice, into giving her Silica's pet dragon Pina, so she can use it to upgrade her leather-working skill and have leather pants. When the rest of the guild joins her, Silica quits the guild.
Immediately afterwards, she is attacked by giant baboon monkeys, and due to her low level and Pina's subpar healing skill, the dragon sacrifices itself to save her. Silica deludes herself into thinking they are evolving (While the infamous Pokémon Lavender Town theme plays) as the dragon shatters. Surrounded, she is suddenly saved by Kirito, who she instantly has a crush on.
- Kirito (Surrounded by a frame of roses and with a gentleman's voice): Are you unharmed my lady?
Silica: What?
Kirito (For real): I said could you stop staring at me!? It's Creepy!
Kirito tries to leave a crying Silica, but has a Trauma Button pushed by Silica when she says "this isn't your fault."
Silica proceeds to tell her life story, right from her birth. Hours later they are at a tavern and she finally finishes, as Kirito is banging his head against the table until his forehead is bleeding. He snaps at the end, pointing out he knows what crayons she did and did not like to eat as a kid. He decides that if it'll get her to shut up, he'll tell her how to resurrect her "Hamster," not bothering to hide how little he cares. He tells her that on the 42nd floor is a dungeon called the hill of memory that drops an item that revives pets. He does warn that the item won't work after 3 days, and she already wasted 7 hours making him consider lobotomy. Kirito does not want to go, not caring if she lives or dies. Silica's former guild leader Rosalia approaches them with a grandiose speech pattern. Silica tells her she's getting the item to resurrect the dragon, and gives a passive aggressive comment on Kirito joining her, pissing him off enough to join Silica.
The next day they arrive, with Kirito worried that she heard him crying out Sachi's name repeatedly while he was asleep, which she proves she heard when she asks who Sachi is. Silica is immediately attacked by a Venus fly trap, but Kirito reminds her she has a dagger and saves herself. After killing the monster she walks into a trap panel after Kirito warned her to stay behind due to aggro.
Much, Much Later...
Silica has found a flower.
- Kirito: Alright, one down.
Kirito explains that there needs to be 50 flowers, which they trade in town for a gem, which is given to a gatekeeper, to go to another dungeon to fight a series of bosses to get the real flower. Silica calls it insane, but Kirito points out it's normal in an RPG.
Much, Much, Much Later...
The pair have beaten the eighth boss and have gotten the Numa Flower. On the way back to the inn, Kirito spots Rosalia's gamer tag behind a tree and tells her to come out. Kirito tries to mock her voice pattern, but groans at it, asking how she can put on an act like that all day. She compliments him for spotting she's the leader of Titan's Hand. Kirito laughs, pointing out he was expecting Laughing Coffin, not some no name guild who can only frighten players who think slimes are scary.
- Silica: Have you seen their eyes!? They have no souls!
Rosalia mocks Kirito for his Deadpan Snarker tendencies because she believes it hides how sad and lonely he really is, who tries to act tough because getting trapped in the game was the best thing to happen to him. And he sounds like a girl. Kirito goes Laughing Mad at this info. Kirito dares her to take the flower from them, saying it'd be a neat trick. With a snap of a finger, a band of goons appear behind the trees. Kirito tells Silica to stay back, and marches up to them, making some of them worry since he was expecting Laughing Coffin, and came with only a small child. Rosalia tries to analyze him again, but all it does is make them offer the first hit. Rosalia forces all of her men to attack, and Kirito is not blocking at all, and as Silica is about to charge in, Kirito's health bar heals itself.
- Mook: I don't understand! We threw everything we had at him! How's he still standing!?
Kirito: How!? Well, it's quite simple really. You see, ''girly'', you may think you have me all figured out but there's one thing you didn't account for: My numbers (Shows his level is 78) are bigger than yours! Funny thing, really, get to a high enough level and you're basically untouchable. My wounds heal faster than you can make them! We could do this all day and you would not be any closer to beating me, not that it wouldn't be fun. But I've got good news! You see, there's no reason to wonder where your god is! Cuz he's right here! And he's fresh out of mercy.
The Mooks proceed to break down in tears as Rosalia tries to rip into him for thinking as a god. Kirito fast steps and slashes her throat.
- Kirito: I'm Getting real tired of your first year psych student bullshit.
Rosalia: Enjoy this while you can. It's the deepest you'll ever be in a woman.
(Rosalia shatters)
Kirito: Yeah well, you're dead so...Damn it!
Silica asks how Kirito is after he killed someone. Kirito admits to not having feelings anymore. Silica asks how he can't feel anything anymore, and Kirito realizes he can enjoy revenge. Kirito offers to go with her again, but she admits he's the most awful person she's ever met. Silica starts the process to revive Pina, but...
- Game Announcer: Item has expired.
The Stinger is of Kirito with gashes on his face as war sounds are in the distance.
- Kirito: She took that well.
Asuna, Klein, and various other players are in a strategy meeting to deal with a boss: Sheeptar the Sheep-King.
- Klein: If that thing hadn't already killed seven of us, I'd say this is a very stupid boss.
Asuna comes up with a plan to lure it out to slaughter NPCs. Kirito steps up, objecting to this since a lot of his friends are NPCs.
- Asuna: That makes way too much sense.
Suddenly, Kirito hears an NPC shout "We must save my family!" Realizing it's Gary from Episode 3, he walks away from the meeting to kill him violently, with only the meeting members and their shocked reactions (Except Asuna).
After relieving himself, Kirito rests under a tree, where Asuna finds him, pissed at him for ditching the Sheeptar fight. And it was hell for her and the others, it was jumping on the walls, spitting acid at them ("We're still talking about a sheep, right? You sure it wasn't a fluffy Xenomorph?"). And the death count went from seven to twelve. Kirito's reaction is mellow, creeping out Asuna. Kirito explains he was trying to max out his Alchemy when he ate some plants on the ground, and is now very relaxed.
He is stoned. And Asuna is not happy about it.
Kirito stops her from ranting by trying to be a Erudite Stoner, asking her to watch the stars even though it's 2 in the afternoon, without their eyes. Kirito wakes up and finds Asuna asleep next to him. Some passing players make a few jokes about him needing privacy. This gives Kirito an idea: Draw cat whiskers on Asuna's face. When she wakes up, she tries to stab him for whatever he did, but when he points out that all he did was draw on her face, she is left a stammering mess before offering him some food.
Asuna takes him to restaurant named Restaurant, earning Kirito's snark. The argument between the two is cut short by a scream. They run outside and see a man in armor being hung from a tower with a barbed sword through his chest. Kirito jokes he's a pinata, pointing out that in a safezone he cannot die, so he's suffering. Asuna rushes up the tower while Kirito is asking for a 30 foot stick to whack the man. The man dies as his body breaks into death shards, and Kirito asks if anyone in the crowd saw the candy. As Kirito and Asuna argue, a purple haired woman approaches them as the crowd dissipates. Her name is Yolko, a friend of the man, Kainz. She breaks down in tears as Kirito realizes the man wasn't an NPC. Yolko is taken to her hotel, and afterwards, the two try to figure out what happened. Asuna is surprised he cares, so she asks him the girl's name, where he stammers until he says "Yoga Pants." He admits he wants to be right, and when Asuna snarks, he responds she wants to be as right as he is.
- Asuna: Hey! At least I pretend to be nice to people!
Kirito: Yeah, whatever-Wait, pretend?
The two go to a shop owned by Tiffany, who is less than thrilled to have Asuna there.
- Asuna: Hey T-Dawg, what is up in dis hizouse.
(There's a whimpering sound)
Tiffany: Are you crying!?
Kirito: There's so much beauty in the world!
Tiff ignores Asuna's question to inspect the weapon, pretending Kirito asked. When she makes a comment "Ya got cotton in your ear?" She realizes how offensive she sounds, but continues until she calls him an angry black man. Tiff does a quick inspecting, explaining it's a player made sword called Guilty Thorn, created by a player named Grimlock, and that it's a normal sword. Kirito decides to test it on himself. But Asuna stops him.
- Asuna: Jesus christ! What the hell are you doing!?
Kirito: Well, clearly, I'm stabbing myself with this sword to see if it kills me. Oh, god, what am I doing?
Asuna: This thing's too dangerous for you to screw around with. here, T-Fizzle, you take it.
Tiffany: Aight, handing the black man a murder weapon. Tale as old as time.
The next day they go to the same restaurant with Yolko, earning Kirito's snark. Again. Yolko interrupts the duo's banter to ask why she was brought along. Asuna asks if she's heard of Grimlock, but her reaction answers for her, making Kirito asks why Grimlock would want to stab Kainz or why he'd fake his death. Yolko explains that it'd be about Grimlock's late wife, and how six months ago, they were all apart of a guild that got a rare item, that they chose to sell, when she was murdered on the way to the trade, making them realize that one of the members killed for the item since they were the only ones to know. Yolko, Kainz, and a Lancer named Schmitt were the only ones against the sell. Kirito groans at the name: Schmitt, a paranoid, stressed out and neurotic player who reviewed games, now terrified he'll be made a meat-toboggan like some had promised in his comments. When they meet, Asuna has Yolko assure him the reviewers won't kill him: Grimlock, and then out of nowhere Griselda's ghost is coming for revenge. Asuna points out that makes no sense, but Kirito goes into a who spiel.
- Kirito: Obviously it was a hit by the mermaid mafia paid in leprechaun gold. But who is the puppet master? The Unicorns? No they've had a feud going with the mermaids for years.
Asuna: Dammit, Kirito! This is serious! These peoples lives are in danger!
Kirito: No! They're not! For the last time, You can't die in a safe zone!
There's a sound of a knife stabbing someone, and Yolko falls out the window with a knife in her back. She shatters before she can even touch the ground.
''To Be Continued..."
The episode begins immediately after Yolko's death. Kirito sees someone on a roof across the street and jumps after him.
- Asuna: Kirito, wait!
Kirito: Shit!
(He falls through a window before the chase even begins, and is mauled by a dog.) Kirito: Oh come on!
Kirito limps back into the room, where Asuna mocks him for thinking he's Batman ("Hey, Fuck you! Wow, that actually touched a nerve.") Schmitt spasms and screams in insane laughter, making Asuna groan that they have to deal with it. She then realizes Kirito already left the room. Asuna is mad he left, but he points out it was perfectly normal of him. Asuna finds him, and gives him a sandwhich she made.
Kirito stops himself from talking by chewing on the food. Asuna asks what the next step is, but Kirito admits he already figured it all out. Asuna screams and Kirito drops the sandwhich, shattering it. He drops to his knees.
Schmitt is at a foggy forest, apologizing to Griselda's tombstone. A hooded figure stands over him with an echoing voice and wielding the Guilty Thorn sword, asking what he did. As Schmitt begs for his life, another figure walks in, demanding he answer the question.
- Schmitt: What do you want!? Scalps? I can get you scalps!
Male "Ghost": What!? No-No, no, no. We just want to know-
Schmitt: Oh, I see, you're an orphan blood man. Do you prefer your victims pre-drained or do you like to get your hands dirty?
Female "Ghost": Jesus Christ, Schmitt!
Schmitt: Oh, so you like your victims crucified! That'll be a little bit trickier, but I'll try to work something out!
Both "Ghosts": Just stop!
Schmitt: (Finally looking up) Huh? Yolko? Kainz?
Kainz: Yeah. It's us, you idiot!
Schmitt: Oh...So, where are we on the whole orphan blood thing? You talking heads or liters?
The two frustratedly scream they faked their deaths. Suddenly, Schmitt is paralyzed by a trio of cloaked men with Laughing Coffins on their gloves, with one recognizing Schmitt from "Piece of Schmitt Games!" ("Please tell me that's not what you called your show?"). The man asks if he remembers the user Johnny Black.
- Schmitt: Meat-Toboggan.
One of the members tries to quote a bible verse, Judge 15:16, but the wording confuses everyone. Everyone looks at the man in confusion, even his fellow assassins, who drop the creepy voices and get into an argument on the best bible killing verse, that or Mark 13:20, which sounded so freaky nobody else knew it was in the bible ("Have you ever actually read the bible?"). Then the assassins get into an argument on the "Jesus commands me to kill" motif and how effective it is for them. The guild leader stops it all, and decides that they need to follow the bible on the verse, "Schmitches get stitches!" ("That's not even a word much less-gah! Forget, just kill these guys.")
A horse rides in, but it knocks its rider, Kirito off. Getting his best batman impression, he tells Laughing Coffin he's questing some witnesses to a serial killer. The leader tells them the lord orders the sinners dead...For 50 bucks.
- Kirito: 50 bucks!? Selling yourselves a little cheap don't you think? You guys provide an essential, in demand service. And you're definitely the leaders in your field. You're Laughing Coffin! I mean, you gotta cash in on that name recognition!
Johnny: That's what I keep telling him! But the high paying clients won't touch us. They take one look at reverend killjoy over here and think we're a bunch of crazy people!
Kirito: Exactly!
Kirito proceeds to give them advice: Rebranding, Ad Campaign, PR Blast, get your faces out there. Because contract killing is a beat we can all dance to.
Laughing Coffin is seriously impressed so they let everyone live and are Kirito's to command. When they leave, Yolko asks Kirito what he's doing there. Kirito goes on to explain that safe zones are impossible to beat around, not even glitches can do it. Kirito did some digging and found a glitch that does, however, switch out the teleportation animation with the shattered death animation, that only works if you're falling, which both of them did. Yolko points out a ghost doesn't follow game rules, but Kirito counters he's not an idiot, which Kainz admits is a fair point. Kirito does bring up evidence that the figure he saw on the roof had a teleport crystal. He also points out Yolko's body language, from the faked death theory, her contempt to Schmidt, to her freak out, it meant they worked together to find the killer, and the speech was for his benefit since they thought he killed her. Yolko points out they could've been working with Schmidt, making him laugh.
- Kirito: Right? As if anyone would let that moron in on a conspiracy. Friggin land mines deal with pressure better than him, and would kill fewer people.
That means everything was done because they thought Schmidt was the killer. Kainz then points out one thing that's bothered him.
- Kainz: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!?
Yolko admits to entangling him, and when Kainz asks why, she doesn't even know why. Kirito starts to leave, but as they put the pressure on Schmidt, Kirito admits he didn't do it. Kainz points out there's no other suspect.
Kirito shouts out the name Grimlock, but when nothing happens, he calls again until Asuna comes in with a man in a hat approaches. Kainz demands who she is, making Yolko admit she brougt her in too.
- Asuna: It's a good thing she did, if she hadn't forgotten to delete me from her friend list, we never would've known where to find you.
Kainz: (Rage Breaking Point) You. Forgot to delete...Your friends list? We've been planning this for six months. And you forgot to delete your friends list!?
Yolko: I'm sorry, I kept having trouble with the menu!
Kainz: Are you kidding me!? A child could figure it out!
Kirito snickers at this. Asuna shuts them up pointing out they gift wrapped Griselda's killer. Kainz point out he couldn't have done it, he was helping them. Kirito snarks that of course the guilty party wouldn't want to frame someone else. Kirito points out Schmidt wouldn't get the item since it'd be destroyed with her avatar. And he's clearly too neurotic to hire bandits and lacks the threat to force her to give it to him.
- Kainz: Oh my god, Schmidt's not the killer!
Schmitt: Oh, come on!
Schmitt was only apologizing because he's used to the bottom position since he got death threats for his 7/10 review of Pokemon V&R. Yolko points out Grimlock couldn't have done it, they loved each other, making Kirito point out that SAO allows married couples to share inventory.
Grimlock goes on to admit they were always in love, and never actually had an argument, but while in the game, something changed.
- Flashback Griselda: I'm sorry honey, I didn't have time to make dinner. I have to go meet Yolko and the girls to strategize for the raid. But there's still some leftovers in the fridge. Don't worry, I'll make it up to you tomorrow. Love you.
After that, Grimlocks whole world fell apart, and that the woman he loved was gone. And he decided that if he was to preserve her memory, he'd kill the thing that took her place.
...This actually creeps out Kirito. A man killed his wife for not making dinner one night. As Kirito rips into him for having something special and throwing it away for something so petty, and how if that's his reaction he did not love her at all, but Grimlock just tells him one day he'll understand. Asuna steps up to say a few words.
- Asuna: Grimlock, that hat makes you look like a hipster!
This is what sends Grimlock to his knees a sobbing mess. Kirito is mad that he had to pull out emotions that scared him and wants to start over.
- Kirito: Verbal abuse, man. It's a lost art.
The former guild-members surround Grimlock, kicking themselves they wasted six months looking into the wrong lead. They take Grimlock behind a tree, where they proceed to beat him to death.
Asuna and Kirito compliment each other on the words he said and the idea she had, but stop when they see the real Griselda's ghost...Which Kirito proceeds to throw a blade at, running away in fear.
The Stinger has the pair back at the restaurant, where Kirito pulls out some confetti, boasting "The Kirito is Always Right Foundation: Grand reopening!"
As he laughs, Asuna stabs him in the eye with a fork.
Asuna is visiting her friend, a blacksmith named Lisbeth, who is fine tuning her weapons for her.
- Asuna: Thanks Liz! You do such great work. I don't know why we don't spend more time together.
Lisbeth: Because I refuse to leave the safety of my shop and you keep selfishly declining my offers to stay with me and live in my closet like some adorable boogey-man.
Asuna: Oh, right. Knew it was something.
Lisbeth spots Asuna is wearing new earrings, and makes an analogy that there's a master swordsman who wants to slay dragon to plant his sword in the cave of wonders. The dragon is Clamydia in the metaphor. Asuna leaves right away, despite Lisbeth shouting, "I live vicariously through you! Your sex life is my sex life!"
Asuna leaves, begging her friend to leave the shop or at least talk to someone else. Lisbeth is uncomfortable with the notion of leaving the shop, so she brushes off the suggestion to meet with a new customer: Kirito, who is threatening to burn the shop down if he doesn't get customer service soon. When Lisbeth does finally show up, Kirito thinks she isn't the blacksmith due to the hoop-skirt she's wearing that has frills. After an awkward comeback, Kirito explains he's looking for a replacement to the sword he threw at Griselda's ghost.
- Lisbeth: Whoa, an Illucinator! This is the gnarliest sword you can get from a monster drop!
Kirito: I'm sorry, did you just say "gnarliest?"
Lisbeth: Hold on a sec, I think I got just what you need.
Kirito: Alright, lay it on me, Keanu.
Lisbeth hands to him the best sword she ever forged, and Kirito tests it on his other sword. Lisbeth's sword breaks instantly.
- Kirito: Oh god, you're not gonna start crying, are you? I cannot deal with any more crying women in my life.
Lisbeth: What the hell were you thinking!?
Kirito: Okay...This is better...I guess.
Lisbeth: That sword was my baby! Why would you do that!? Would you do that to someone else's baby!?
Kirito: You mean would I slam a baby into another baby to test the durability? No that's not something I would typically do.
Lisbeth wants to kick Kirito out for what he did, but Kirito points out she promised Lisbeth Quality, and he threatens to tell everyone she sells dollar store crap as top tier loot. So she has to make him the best sword in the game or he "Destroys all her hopes and dreams."
Lisbeth agrees, but warns that she'll need an ultra-rare metal on the mountains of floor 55, and he can't get it to drop without...a blacksmith in the party.
- Lisbeth: Why is this mountain so freaking cold!?
Kirito: Maybe because it's a mountain. God I hate escort missions.
On the mountain Kirito passes the shut-in his jacket, considering it the next best thing to pants for her. When they arrive, Lisbeth is surprised by how beautiful the landscape is, but Kirito warns to be careful, saying that since it's a boss, she can't run ahead. Before her eyes, a picture of her and some friends from her shop flashes before her eyes, and she becomes depressed. Kirito tells her to get a teleport crystal while he fights the dragon.
- Lisbeth: What!? Are you nuts!? You can't fight that thing alone!
Kirito: Do it Sachi! (Beat) Alright, so we'll just pretend that never happened. Okay? Okay. Okay? Okay.
The dragon appears, and Lis goes for cover instantly. She screams quicky.
- Lisbeth: Lookout! It's a breath attack!
Kirito: What!? (Get's attacked)
The two get into an argument on Kirito being distracted by her warning...And he gets attacked again. Kirito blows off some speed by slicing off one of the dragon's arms. At this, Lisbeth steps out in celebration. The dragon targets her immediately. Using its wings it causes an avalanche sending her into a hole with Kirito following after. At the bottom, they attempt to teleport. Emphasis on attempt.
- Lisbeth: We may have celebrated too soon.
Kirito tries to run out of the hole, but slips and falls, with various sound effects mocking him.
- Kirito: (After a sad horn sound) Oh fuck you!
At night, the two are in sleeping bags, with Lisbeth absolutely happy. She hadn't had as much fun as she did since her guild. She starts to explain how she lost her guild last year, but Kirito already can tell her guild is all dead and can only scream no over and over. She's about to say that it was her fault, but Kirito stops her.
- Kirito: (Tears running down his face) Don't say another word.
The next day, Lisbeth wakes up to find Kirito digging in the snow.
- Lisbeth: (In a sultry voice as jazz music plays and everything gets tinted pink) As I awoke from my slumber I found a stranger with a guarded heart digging through the snow with solemn determination. His muscles glistening in the morning light. Deep within me stirred feelings I had not felt in many moons. It was at that moment that I learnt the temperature of the heart-What am I doing!? Stop it! STOP IT!
Kirito pulls out of the snow a teal ore. Lisbeth does an inspection and finds it's what they're looking for. Kirito hands it to her, telling that apparently it's dragon poop. She freaks out.
- Kirito: Relax. You're wearing virtual gloves over virtual hands holding something that came out of a virtual, not to mention mythical, creature. Speaking of which, looks like our ride is here.
The dragon flies in. Kirito grabs Lis and jumps onto the dragon's back. As they get out of the hole, they lose their grasp and free fall, Lisbeth awestruck by the sunrise.
- Kirito: Lis? Lis!? Grab the crystal! GRAB THE CRYSTAL LIS! GRAB THE CRYSTAL!! Grabthecrystal!
At the blacksmith shop, Lisbeth starts the forging process.
- Announcer: BEGIN!
A rhythm game begins, with space invaders in a corner, Guilty Gear's Big Blast Sonic blaring, and even the final fight from Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann in the background. Every beat Lisbeth makes is a perfect score, screwing up the combo score to glitch out any number. Oh, and Kirito can't see any of this, he just sees Lisbeth mashing a hammer on a hunk of iron.
- Announcer: [[Mortal Kombat Flawless Victory. Metallurgy!]]
Lisbeth hands the teal blade to Kirito, which she gives for free thanks to getting her on the adventure. As she's about to touch his hand, Asuna runs in and pulls her into a hug, but whispers a full Yandere threat ("Kirito. Is off limits"). Lisbeth runs in terror, and Kirito finds her under a bridge.
- Kirito: God, what is it with you women crying under bridges? You're like trolls.
Kirito figured what Asuna said was messed up, and possibly/probably racist. So Kirito cheers her up by naming the sword: The piece of shit. Dot, dot dot. Dragon shit that is! LOL, trademark Lisbeth, followed by all contact info. Lisbeth is pissed at this, and Kirito explains that from now on, her legacy will be poop made swords.
- Lisbeth: God, you're such an asshole.
Kirito: See, that sounds like me.
Lisbeth: I can't believe I wanted to sleep with you.
Kirito: Yeah, bet you feel pretty stupid. Wait, what!? When was that on the table!?
- Kirito: And feminism marches on.
Kirito shows her the Ragout Rabbit, and makes a deal that if she cooks it, they can eat it together. Asuna gets flirty and asks if he's asking her on a date. Laughs that he's not that bold since her "boyfriend" is right behind her. She groans that the man, Kuradeel, is just her bodyguard.
- Kuradeel: Could you maybe sound a little less offended? I'm right here.
Kirito: Yeah, Asuna, it's not his fault he looks like Voldemort got caught in a grease fire.
Kuradeel: Wait, what?
Asuna asks if he wants to come on the date or not, to Kirito's surprise she was serious. She grabs his collar and tells him to be at her house by 6 for a magical dinner, which Kirito agrees to ("Why do I feel like I'm being mugged?").
- Kirito: Sorry, Tiff, guess I won't be selling it after all.
Tiffany: But I mean, you'll let me have some too, right!?
Kirito: Sure, buddy. Just drop by Asuna's place, we'll save you a plate. (Everyone leaves Tiffany alone)
Tiffany: That's...That's not fair. That's not fair! That's! Not! FAIR!!!!
Kirito arrives at Asuna's place, and is creeped out by how nice she's being. Asuna tells him to make himself at home while she changes. She changes into more modern looking clothes, and her beauty has awestruck Kirito.
- Asuna: So...You gonna put your sword away before dinner?
Kirito: (Looks down in terror) SHIT YOU CAN SEE THAT!? Oh...You meant...Nevermind!
Asuna pulls a pot out of an oven, and when she removes the lid, the whole room is enveloped in light.
- Kirito: My god...It's BEAUTIFUUUUUUUUUU-!
(Cuts to Kirito and Asuna at the dinner table groaning with satisfaction. Asuna groans a little longer and even burps up a golden cloud.)
Asuna thanks him for a great evening, making Kirito snap at her, clearly not used to someone enjoying his company. He points out she's been this way since they saw Griselda's ghost, which Asuna points out they agreed never happened. Kirito continues to point out how a year ago, she couldn't stand him, and despite Asuna's warning, continues until she pulls a knife on him when he wonders if she actually likes him. Kirito sheepishly tells her this explains a lot. Asuna then wants to party with him, not wanting him to be hurt ("And we're back to square one. What do you want from me woman!?"). Asuna calls him a drama queen after accepting, but Kirito points out she pointed a knife at him, but Asuna shrugs it off since it's not the first time ("That doesn't make it better!").
The next day, Kirito is struggling to stay awake when Asuna teleports on top of him. As he struggles to move, he accidentally cops a feel, making Asuna slap him into a column. Asuna runs up to him, begging to be saved. If Asuna's new behavior wasn't weirding out Kirito before, Kuradeel showing up demanding she stop running off has now. Asuna accuses him of breaking into her house and watching her sleep. Kuradeel defends himself by pointing out she let a "cretin" like Kirito into her house ("You were watching us?").
- Kirito: Hey, Skeletor, bit of career advice. Maybe don't treat your boss like she's a toddler playing in traffic. She can take care of herself just fine.
Kuradeel (Seething in rage): What did you just call me!?
Kirito: Oh, not a fan of that one? I have others. How about...You look like Benjamin Button fucked an old catcher's mitt. Like four inches of face stretched over twelve inches of skull. Like an old Jack O'Lantern some frat guy barfed in and crushed against his forehead cuz he was super drunk and thought it was a beer can and immediately regretted every single life choice he ever made!
Kuradeel: ENOUGH! How dare you mock me in such a manner.
Kirito: Well, how would you like me to mock you, then? I take requests.
Kuradeel: No. I have a much better idea. I challenge you to a duel! Let us see if your bite is as viscous as your bark.
Kirito: Okay, Elephant Man, why don't you take your boney ass back through that teleporter before I make your face look even worse. I mean, jeez, you already look like Jeff Goldblum.
Kuradeel: That last one didn't sound like an insult.
Kirito: In the Fly.
Kuradeel: FUCK YOU AND DUEL ME!
Kirito asks Asuna why she needs help, but she points out he wants to humiliate the man. The Two prepare to fight to circus music. The second the fight starts, Kuradeel's blade is sliced in half ("I feel like this was longer."). Kuradeel draws a dagger, but it is swiped out of his hand by Asuna. She tells him to stop embarrassing himself and the guild, and only stops when the dagger falls into his head, amazingly not killing him. The man limps away ("It was my choice!").
Once Kuradeel is gone, Kirito wants an explanation. No way Asuna couldn't take him. Asuna explains that the Vice Commander of the guild couldn't just go around beating up her underlings, and telling the commander would've just gotten him kicked out of the guild. The way she chose was more satisfying. Hours later, Kirito and Asuna are preparing for the boss fight before Asuna gives him a sandwich. However, he instantly spits it out ("Then why does it taste like a dog turd dipped in cool ranch."). Asuna realizes that the S-Class Ragout Rabbit cooked at maxed out cooking ruined their taste buds, nothing else would come close to tasting as good, real or otherwise.
- Kirito: My god...We flowers for Algernon'd our taste buds!?
Klein walks in on them with his guild, who tries (but fails) to joke with Kirito. Men approach to the song of Spanish guitar, lead by a Dashing Hispanic voiced player named Corvatz, a general in the Aincrad Liberation Front. Asuna notes that she didn't know the game had an international server, only for one of his men to point out he's from Nagano and is using an item to invoke the Conquistador motif he's invoking. Now knowing the boss is all that's left, Corvatz leads his men to the battle, despite Klein pointing out his men are fatigued and the man admitting this is his first campaign. The man charges anyway, to Klein's worry.
- Kirito: No. I know what you're doing, you think we should follow them, well I'm not playing your game. Whatever happens to them it's not our...Dammit!
Kirito charges forward with Asuna (Klein lags behind due to his heavy armor), and they find Corvatz and his men fighting the boss. Asuna shouts for the losing men to use a teleport crystal, only for one to scream they aren't working.
- Corvatz: Now men, group up, and hit it till it dies!
Corvatz is swatted away easily. Klein finally arrives as the general lands at their feet.
Kirito has a panic attack and lunges at the boss. While they fight, Klein and Asuna jumps in, and Kirito shows off a new ability: He's dual wielding swords.
- Kirito: Ya know, something? I really. Hate. People. They're selfish! Ignorant! Loud, obnoxious pricks with basically no redeeming qualities whatsoever! I mean, really! Look at all they've achieved! Genocide, global warming, reality TV! It's just a never ending parade of failures and fuck-ups! They are, without question, a complete write off of a species, and how dare you make me care about them!!!
With a final thrust, the boss is defeated. But he collapses since his health is near zero. He wakes up to Asuna crying over him.
- Kirito: Um, Asuna, I don't want to alarm you, but your eyes seem to be leaking some strange, clear liquid.
Asuna hugs him, calling him an idiot for getting her so worried. Klein walks up and asks for an explanation on how he can dual wield, a skill not even in the directory.
- Kirito: Honestly? No idea. Just showed up in my menu one day. Although, come to think of it, I did get it after fighting this guy who was duel wielding axes. Nah, it's probably unrelated.
Klein leaves to get some needed R&R, but asks the young man not to give up on humanity just yet.
Kirito has to sit through Tiffany and Lisbeth watching Kirito's previous meltdown, which was uploaded to everyone via livestreaming. The pair laugh at a humiliated Kirito.
- Tiffany: He is the chosen one! As it was foretold by the scrolls.
Kirito changes the topic to the box that Lisbeth is holding, who snarls that thanks to Asuna (Her now former friend), it's now all she has left. Asuna runs in out of breath, and everyone but Kirito leaps out the window in terror.
On Level 55, in the castle of Grandzam, Kirito and Asuna are before the leader of Asuna's Guild, the Silver Fox Commander Heathcliff of the Knights of the Blood Oath. Kirito stops his speech by demanding why Don Fluffles is apart of the council. Kirito starts talking to the cat about a past encounter between the two.
- Heathcliff: I-I'm sorry, c-can he actually speak cat or is he just messing with us?
Asuna: Knowing him it may very well be both.
After quoting Doctor Strangelove (Which nobody got) to shut down any more fighting, Heathcliff gets to the point. By now everyone has seen "The video," much to Kirito's displeasure. Heathcliff explains that defeating a boss by himself and with a unique skill is quite inspiring and wants him to join the Knights.
- Kirito: Nah.
Heathcliff: Fantastic! Welcome aboard-come again?
Kirito repeats his answer, explaining that he does not work well with guilds. Heathcliff asks what would it take to convince him, money, items, or Asuna.
- Asuna: Excuse me!?
Heathcliff: What? It's a compliment!
Asuna: Wow, commander, I didn't think this game had any magic, but look at you, turning women into trophies. Got some misogynist alchemy going on up in there.
Heathcliff: Fine, fine, I can't give you Asuna, but I'm serious Kirito, this game needs you. Name your price.
Kirito admits there's one thing he wants. He and Heathcliff prepare to fight on the 75th floor's coliseum, before a live audience.
- Heathcliff: So if you really think you've got what it takes, then go ahead. Make. My. Day.
Kirito thinks to himself that Heathcliff is a powerful player, so he decides to strategize. He's instantly knocked to the ground as he's so busy thinking. The entire arena breaks out into anarchy since the fight was only 4 seconds long.
Afterwards, Kirito is unhappy with the fact he now has to wear a white uniform, preferring his black coat, and the fact he's in another guild. Asuna points out to him that he shouldn't have tried to fight the commander, whose so OP, his health has never gone to yellow, but Kirito points out that that's him fighting normal people.
Asuna embraces Kirito in a hug, assuring him that while he may not like the idea of a guild, he doesn't have to worry about what happened to his last guild, even pointing out she won't die like that dumb bitch Sally. Kirito whimpers Sachi's name, but Asuna tells him it doesn't matter, she's dead. Asuna promises things will be better this time. Back at the castle, they are approached by a bearded man speaking shakespearian.
- Kirito: Dammit, Asuna, this relationship cannot be built upon a foundation of lies!
Asuna: (Sigh) Kirito, this is Godfree, I'm told he's something called a roleplayer.
Kirito: Oh GAWD!!!
Godfree explains that Heathcliff sent him to lead him in a training session. Kirito snaps at this, pointing out he's strong enough to fight Heathcliff, but Godfree wanders how that last fight went.
- Kirito: Yeah, I do not care for you.
Godfree leaves, expecting Kirito to follow ("This is my life now. I am in Hell") Outside the castle, he finds Godfree with Kuradeel, who will be coming along for the "Petty Squabble," he and Kirito went through as a team building exercise.
- Kirito: "Petty Squabble," you know he broke into Asuna's place, right?
Kuradeel: A-And I do so apologize for that. My actions far outstripped my duties as the vice commander's bodyguard. I was...Out of line. (Bows)
Kirito: Huh, that thing went pretty deep. I think I can still see a scar.
Godfree: Now, now, Sir Kirito, thou must respect thy elders. What he lacks in youthful good looks, he more than maketh up for with decades of experience.
Kuradeel: I'm...26.
Awkward silence later, Godfree marches off to their "Adventure."
- Kuradeel: I hate this game. I hate it so much.
In a valley that leads to a dungeon, Godfree has them stop for a lunch break, right before they do the trust falls. Kuradeel snarls that he'll die screaming, which Kirito agrees with. As he's drinking from a bottle, Kirito notices Kuradeel is smiling, and both he and Godfree are paralyzed, as Kuradeel goes Laughing Mad. Godfree thinks that it's just a prank. As Godfree tells him to end the joke in the Olde English, Kuradeel stabs him.
- Kuradeel: Wouldst thou shuteth the FUCK UP!?
Godfree: Sir Kuradeel!? What mutiny is this?
Kuradeel: I've had to SIT and LISTEN to you for MONTHS as you run Shakespeare through a WOOD CHIPPER! Is that supposed to be endearing or something!?
Godfree: Got it! Not a fan of The Bard! He is GONE! You and me, we're on the same page here, buddy! Okay, so if you could just put the sword down...
Kuradeel does, into Godfree, killing him. Kirito is incredulous at him, wondering aloud if he's really gonna kill two people just because he humiliated him, believing he can't be the first to have done that. Kuradeel removes his gloves, showing a Laughing Coffin tattoo on his arms. Kirito is genuinely surprised since he last heard they were in jail. Kuradeel pulls up the video that lead to their downfall.
- Johnny Black: Boss won't get off your back? Girlfriend won't stop nagging you? Did that fuckstick Tiffany sell you a bullshit dagger that broke almost instantly, despite the fact you spent half your goddamn COL on it? Have you considered...Murder?
Kirito: Oh yeah. I remember that. Still can't believe they took my advice.
Kuradeel: Oh yes. You're oh, so helpful advice. "Ad campaign, PR blast, get your faces out there, send an email with your exact location to EVERY PLAYER IN THE GAME!!!"
Kirito defends himself that the last part was not his recommendation. Kuradeel screams that he destroyed them, they were doing fine until their heads were filled with hopes and dreams of wealth and fame.
That's when Kirito figures out Kuradeel isn't a member, he's a fanboy. Kuradeel screams that he made them sell out, that the new ambitions got them arrested, and that when it was just about the murder was all it was about. Kirito laughs that he liked their earlier work.
- Kuradeel: AND WHAT OF IT!?
(Stabs Kirito again and again)
Kirito: This is...The greatest day of my life!
Kuradeel: Do you mind!? I am TRYING to KILL YOU!
Kirito: (Laughing) Hey, if I gotta die anyway, the least I can do is make sure YOU don't get to enjoy it.
As Kuradeel tries to force his blade further in, a green explosion knocks him back, and Asuna heals Kirito. Kirito wonders why she's there, and she admits she was following them.
- Kirito: Wow. I have never been so happy to be dating a stalker.
Asuna let's him rest and goes to fight Kuradeel, who writes her off as a damsel who lets her boyfriend do the fighting. She stabs him in the cheek.
- Kuradeel: Aw! you bitch! (Asuna proceeds to stab at him as he whimpers in terror and confusion until he drops his sword) You know, people always think being called a "bitch" is so negative. But frankly, I just think it shows how your strong, and confident, and absolutely FUCKING terrifying, please don't kill me!
He gets down on his hands and knees, and Asuna notes he's pathetic. She decides she won't and let the Commander decide.
- Kuradeel: R-Really?
Asuna: Nooo!
Asuna kills him, and hugs Kirito, beginning to make herself a sobbing mess. ("Anyone ever tell you you cry like a surly drunk?") Kirito leans in to kiss her. Later that night, they have dinner together, with Kirito pointing out that it tastes like ash, but it was satisfying. Kirito starts talking about it being alright to be over so late, but when he looks at her he finds something off, she's in lingerie.
- Asuna: Why are your pants still on? We doing this, or what?
Kirito: (Squeals like a velociraptor)
The two have sex, but can only be heard as the camera is fixed on the window. At the climax, Kirito screams "Suck it Rosalia!" And Asuna is livid.
In the Post-Credit Scene, a little girl is looking for her mama and papa as everything is distorted around her.
As Kirito's wounds heal, Asuna comments that it was pretty amazing sex. Kirito makes a snarky comment, and when Asuna is shocked, he panics.
- Kirito: I'm sorry! I can't turn it off! I'm broken. Please fix me.
As they sit there awkwardly, Kirito's left brain and right brain get into an argument about how to not blow it since they don't know why she liked them in the first place. Asuna asks what to do now, freaking them out since all dating sims end at sex, and doesn't go over afterwards.
- Kirito's Left Brain: Look, just...Just say anything!
Kirito's Right Brain: Anything?!
Kirito's LB: ANYTHING! Just...Say it with confidence.
Kirito's RB: Alright. Here goes nothing.
Kirito: We should get married.
Kirito's LB: NOOOOOOOO!!!
Kirito's RB: What?! You said say anything!
Kirito's LB: Anything except THAT obviously!
Kirito's RB: I'm sorry! I don't work well under pressure!
Kirito's LB: (Sigh) You know what? It's fine. Forget it. We'll just play it off as a joke. No harm done.
Asuna: Yes. Let's do it.
Kirito's LB: YOU FOOL! YOU'VE DOOMED US ALL!!!
Kirito's RB: Hey, uh, she seems pretty happy about it! Maybe she knows something we don't!
Asuna's LB: Bitch, why the fuck did you say yes?!
Asuna's RB: I DON'T KNOW!!!
The next time they visit the Castle, Heathcliff is congratulating them for getting married, with both stammering messes. After that, Heathcliff just tells them that after the "Fight" he and Kirito had ("Hey, I heard those air-quotes, you son of a bitch."), he explains that the rioters now have their own primitive, tribalistic society, lead by the King of Ashes, and along with Fluffles, Heathcliff will be making peace. Turns out Fluffles joined them. Kirito at first thinks that he wants him to come along so that he can break the ice, but Heathcliff laughs that he wants to hide him under the biggest rock he can find, thinking Kirito would piss someone off and result in the death of thousands. Asuna agrees, until Heathcliff admits he wants her to join him as a guard in a cabin on the 22nd floor.
- Heathcliff: Consider it your honeymoon.
Both return to stammering messes with forced smiles on their faces. At the cabin, the pair are awestruck by how beautiful the place is. Kirito decides to ask if getting married was a mistake, making Asuna freak out. Asuna's Left Brain is confused as well, with the Right Brain admitting to freaking out.
- Asuna's LB: Well, we're in too deep now. You know what mom says: "Doesn't matter if you're wrong. Just dig in your heels and NEVER show weakness."
Asuna's RB: You ever think that's why mom and dad are getting divorced?
Asuna's LB: NO TIME TO UNPACK THAT NOW!!!
Kirito continues to stammer on answering yes or no, but Asuna takes him in for a kiss, which both start crying through for various reasons (Such as the fact they don't even know their real names). The next day, they wake up to find a little girl had snuck into their bed, freaking them out (Especially Asuna who thinks they'll end up in court). Kirito asks her name, and she answers her name is Yui.
- Kirito: Aw, that's a cute name. Remember anything else? Friends? Address? Street corner we can dump you?
Yui asks if they're her parents. Asuna decides to put her straight. But...Her Left Brain convinces her to say yes. They can use this. Kirito's Right Brain is confused on how they got a kid, but the Left Brain figures it out that she just doesn't want to be the one to say the marriage was a mistake. The Left Brain decides that this is a power move, and if they play it wrong, she could hold this over Kirito for the rest of his life.
And thus, the two have a daughter.
Later, the trio are sitting in the living room eating sandwiches, and Yui wants to read the paper about the Peace Talks Heathcliff is at. She read the words she's saying off of the dictionary. Asuna realizes two things: Kirito called the bluff and she actually finds Yui adorable. After a while, Yui falls asleep, and Asuna starts to cry thinking of what Yui's real parents are going through. Kirito supports her, but snarks that she blinked first.
- Asuna: WE WOULD LIKE TO BUY ONE CHILD, PLEASE!!!
Now the trio are at an orphanage in the Town of Beginnings, but the owner points out to the parents that you can't buy a child, let alone those that are just players that were too young to go on actual adventures and have real families. She stops talking when the pair decide to try to buy the orphanage. The freak out is interrupted by a knock on the door. At the door is a silver haired woman who introduces herself as Yulier, a member of the Aincrad Liberation Front, and she's looking for the two strongest players in the game. The orphanage owner tries to be welcoming, but Kirito tells her he's the new owner. The owner tries to counter, even when Kirito tells the new girl that Asuna made the tea, not her. Asuna wants to know what the help is. Yulier explains the ALF is in the midst of a power struggle, lead by a man named Kibaou.
- Kirito: Kibaou? Wait, you don't mean...?
(Flashback) Kibaou: BETA TESTERS?!
Kirito: NO! WHAT?! HOW?! HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?!
Yulier: It all happened so fast. None of us saw it coming. I mean, would you? The man has the unbridled charisma of a chipotle enema!
Asuna: Huh...That's an image.
Yulier explains that only one man is standing up to him: Thinker, who she cannot hide how much she wants to bang him. And that's why she's there now: Kibaou had set up a peace talk on the first floor's dungeon that turned out to be a trap, and he didn't bring teleport crystals or any weapons.
- Kirito: This peace talk...Which was held...In a dungeon?
Yulier: I know. That wonderful man gave that BASTARD the benefit of the doubt, only to walk into a trap. It's quite ironic.
Yui: No it is not.
Yulier: Hmm?
Yui: That is not at all what irony is. I believe the turn of events YOU described would be best classified as "completely expected."
Yulier: Wha...What are you talking about?
Yui: Irony, noun: A state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result. Example: Your leader is named "Thinker," yet he appears to be something of a dullard.
Yulier: (Gasps)
Kirito: Holy cow, Yui. That was amazing! I wish I had, like, a tiny little mic for you to drop.
Asuna: Oh my god! That would be adorable!
Yulier: How...DARE you defile the good name of Thinker! He is the greatest, most intelligent man I have ever known!
Yui: Statistically speaking, that says more about YOU than it does him.
Yulier: You wanna take this outside, kid?! I'll throw down with an 8-year-old! I don't give a FUCK!!!
Asuna: Touch her and I kill Thinker myself.
Yulier: Duly noted.
Yulier begs them to save him, but Kirito points out the dumb ass should've seen it coming. And since it's on the first floor, even "Freckles" can get to him. This is the Orphanage owner's last straw.
- Sasha: OH?! SO I CAN TALK NOW?! IT'S OKAY FOR I, SASHA, TO TALK?! YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW MY NAME WAS SASHA, DID YOU?! DID YOU?!!!
She proceeds to trash the room as it Gilligan Cut to the four now exploring the hidden dungeon. After hearing Yui say "Scary," Kirito mishears it as "Gary," and proceeds to slaughter the monsters inside. Yulier is deeply creeped out that Yui is enjoying it, and Asuna not really caring.
- Yui: Go for they eyes, papa! That is their weak point!
As the slaughter ends, they find a safe room, and Kirito spots theres someone in the fetal position inside. Yulier gasps Thinker's name, confirming that he is indeed there. As they run to him, a scythe nearly bisects Yulier.
- Kirito: Gee, thanks for the heads-up on this guy, Thinker! Would it have killed you to send a quick "Yo! Trapped in a dungeon! P.S. You might wanna keep your eyes peeled for THE PERSONIFICATION OF DEATH ITSELF?!!!
Thinker: Ah, yes, that did occur to me. But sadly, Kibaou informed me that the messenger doesn't work down here. Poor reception and whatnot.
Kirito: AND YOU BELIEVED HI-(Exhale) Of course you believed him. You're stupid enough to be IN this situation, after all. "Hey, come on out to my tea party in the middle of this minefield! Aw, don't mind the razorwire, WE HAVE CRUMPETS!"
Asuna forces Yulier and her dumbass boyfriend to take Yui and flee.
- Asuna: Don't worry, Kirito. I've got your back. With the two of us, our love can conquer anythi-
(The boss swipes them into a wall)
Kirito: The Power of Love is BULLSHIT! The power of swords and violence; that's where the money is!
Yui runs to defend them as Thinker and Yulier teleport too late. The boss swings at her, but an invisible force field protects her. And above her head is one word: Immortal Object. Yui floats in the air and summons a distorted blade of flames, killing it instantly.
- Yui: So...I imagine you have some questions.
Kirito and Asuna sit Yui down in the safe room, and she explains everything. She is nothing more than an advanced Artificial Intelligence that psychologically analyzes the players to care for them. A User Interface, designated: Yui. On the day of the game's launch, she was locked out of the game by Kayaba, and was Forced to Watch for years as the players were killed, driven to despair, and even killed themselves by jumping off the edge of Aincrad.
- Kirito: Oh god! He made you WATCH?!
But Yui found some hope in Kirito and Asuna.
- Kirito and Asuna: Awwwwwwww.
Yui: ...The most broken, sociopathic players I had ever laid eyes on. Less people than a...Loose collection of character defects.
Kirito: That kinda...Went in a different direction than I was expecting.
Yui explains that, despite all the warning signs they'd kill each other and everyone around them, they were happy and grew closer together no matter what. She had come to the conclusion the data on them was flawed, and thus she had to amend it firsthand.
- Yui: I wanted to know what love is. I wanted you to show me.
Asuna: Goddamn Foreigner.
Kirito: You mean the band, right?
Yui apologizes for the lies, and tearfully begs if she can really be their daughter. The family embrace, but Yui gives some troubling news: In order to beat the boss, she had to hack a nearby admin console, and will now be targeted as a foreign entity, and be deleted immediately. The two panic, but Yui silences them.
- Yui: It is okay. You do not have to pretend to love me anymore. I know you only kept me around as a pawn for your mind games. Although, I do admit, I did enjoy being your pawn.
Asuna: (Crying) No, y-you don't understand! We-we weren't...Well, I mean we were, but...But you're not...
Yui: Please do not cry, mama. It is okay. I'm sorry...I was such a burden.
And with that, Yui fades away. Asuna falls to the ground crying out in anguish.
- Kirito: GODDAMNIT, KAYABA!!! I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOU KICKING MY HEART IN THE DICK!!! WELL NOT THIS TIME!!! PREPARE TO FEEL THE WRATH OF A PISSED-OFF NERD WITH ADMIN PRIVILEGES!!!
Kirito successfully uses the admin console to save Yui, if only as an in-game item: A crystal the size of a thumb print. Kirito explains that when they beat the game, just take the data out of the item and she can come back.
Back at the cabin, Kirito asks without bullshit if they got married too fast. She says yes, but she still wants to be with him. The two realize that was all that had to be said, and what idiots they were to dance around the subject. Kirito hopes they don't have to sacrifice a small child every time they have marital problems.
At the cabin, Asuna decides that Kirito looks like a "sexy baby" while asleep, and hopes to wake him up to "rock the cradle." She isn't allowed to go any further due to a message from Heathcliff ("Frickin' clam jammer."). She wakes up Kirito, who reveals he heard everything she said to her embarrassment. The two head out finding it odd they had such a good time despite watching their daughter die thinking she wasn't loved. They walk past a neighbor of theirs.
- Asuna: Kirito, that man's not wearing any pants.
Kirito: Yeah, yeah I know. I'm just...Trying not to look directly at it.
Asuna: Oh god, what's he doing with his-
Kirito: Aaand Honeymoon Over!!!
Nishida: No, don't go! It-It's not what it looks like! (Sigh) Oh well. At least the fish are always here for me.
The man proceeds to masturbate (offscreen, thank god) into a "hopefully" dead fish.
The duo are now in the 75th floor's dungeon where Heathcliff tries to give a Rousing Speech. Tries being the key word because everyone keeps getting Sidetracked by the Analogy. No, wait, a Metaphorgotten.
- Heathcliff: Christ, it's like herding CATS with you people.
A soldier wonders if Fluffles is back, but Heathcliff tells him, no after rounds of torture, gladiatorial combat, and Pictionary oddly enough, he was able to negotiate-
- King of Ashes (Distant): Kill them! Kill the intruders! No one crosses the King of Ashes!
Heathcliff: What?! But we...Why would he...? Goddammit, Kirito! What did you do?!
Kirito: Why do you automatically assume I did something?
King of Ashes: Bring me the head of Kirito!
Minion: But it'll shatter, sire!
King of Ashes: Then bring me the SHAARDS!!!
Kirito: (nervous laugh) I mean, he could be talking about anybody.
Heathcliff decides that it's time to attack the boss now. Klein and Tiffany reminisce about a past adventure, but Kirito finds it hard to believe they have lives without him. Everyone charges into an empty room, no boss in sight. A high soldier wonders if it's a "Meta-morphosis" that Heathcliff was talking about. The real boss...Is the demons within.
- Soldier: Oh! Like my crippling abandonment issues with my father!
Klein: I don't know. Is your dad a giant fuckin' centipede made of ribcages and hatred?!
Soldier: No...Why?
Klein: Oh, so that's probably not him then.
On the roof of the boss room is the boss itself, and it's exactly like Klein described. It one shots two soldiers, who are confirmed to have been the tanks.
- Tiffany: Why?! Why'd I put all my points into BARTERING?!
Heathcliff attempts to rally the men, but the boss suddenly dies. Everyone cheers for the confused man, until everyone is passed out in exhaustion.
- Kirito: Jeez. Leave it to SAO to not only have a boss that glitches out and dies on its own, but also doesn't even flag the GODDAMN EXIT TO OPEN!!!
Everyone laments that this is the end, not even able to starve to death, a merciful death at this point. Heathcliff tries to cheer them up, not about them getting out, but that they can still find a way to enjoy the awesome game. His men balk at the game being awesome.
- Mobster: Come on, sir. Do you really think any of us would still be playing this game if we didn't have a gun to our heads? Ya gotta admit, this game is kind of a hot mess.
Heathcliff: "Hot mess"? Really? That seems a bit harsh.
Schmitt: Well, how else would you describe a game where players can just kidnap NPCs, the crafting system is seizure inducing, and half the time our Teleport Crystals, one of our ONLY lifelines, DO NOTHING!
Klein: Yeah. Nothing, if you're lucky. Yeesh.
In a corner of the room, a player is glitched into a contorted Nightmare Fuel mess begging for death. His friend just makes him soup instead.
- Heathcliff: (Annoyed) Okay, so the game has a few "minor bugs," but this is groundbreaking technology we're talking about here! Real life virtual reality! Where's your sense of WONDER?!!!!
Kirito: Hey, I'm with you, old man. I love this game, despite it's, uh...Shortcomings...
Cronenberg's Friend: Here's your soup, budd-OH NO!!!
(Death SFX)
Kirito: But let's be real here. Even if it wasn't trying to kill us, this game is a frickin' Gordian Knot of terrible design. Face it: The main reason we all bought it is because it was the ONLY launch title when, surprise, TRON suddenly became real!
Heathcliff: OH, SO NOW YOU'VE SEEN TRON?!
Kirito: Of course I've seen Tro-Wait..."Now"?
Kirito starts flashing through every movie quote Heathcliff has ever made, and some other crazy words. Before he remembers, two years ago...
- Kayaba: How many of you have seen Tron?
Kirito suddenly charges at Heathcliff. He makes a point of going for Heathcliff's face, who is saved by an Immortal Object notification. Asuna sees it, and remembers Yui was an Immortal Object. Heathcliff tries to brush it off as a glitch that saved him from an assassin, but nobody is fooled. Confused, but not fooled.
- Kirito: You wanna tell 'em, or should I?
Heathcliff: No, by all means! You seem to have this WHOLE thing figured out! Wouldn't want to step on your BIG MOMENT.
Asuna: Kirito, what the hell is going on? What are you two talking about?
Kirito: Well, it turns out the good commander has been hiding something from us. Something so dark, so sinister, it would shock you to your very core. For you see, this whole time, Commander Heathcliff has actually been...Kayaba Akihiko!
Dumbass from Episode 1: WHAT?!
Kirito: Wh-What, really?! Kayaba! The creator of Sword Art Online? Inventor of the NerveGear?
Dumbass from Episode 1: WHAT?!
Kirito: The guy who trapped us in this game for two years!
Dumbass from Episode 1: WHAT?!
Kayaba: Don't worry, I got this.
(Shows Signature Scene from Scanners)
(Everyone gasps)
Soldier (#18): Oh my god! It's Methuselah Honeysuckle!
Kayaba: (Sighs in content) So glad I kept that tabbed. Out of curiosity, Kirito, what gave me away? Or was it your plan to just stab everybody until one of them failed to die?
Kirito: Oh, it was all quite elementary, my good man. For you see, you're the only one I've ever met in this game who makes as many movie references as I do.
Kayaba: Ah, yes. I guess I should have known that would-Wait...You get my references?!
Kirito: Um, yeah? I just remembered you-
Kayaba: "There can only be one?"
Kirito: Oh, uh, Highlander!
Kayaba: "Well, who you gonna believe? Me or your own eyes?"
Kirito: Duck Soup, Marx Brothers, 1933.
Kayaba: "DRY LAND IS NOT A MYTH! I HAVE SEEN IT!"
Kirito: Ah, getting tricky are we? While that line is famously attributed to the 1995 film Waterworld, it is never actually spoken in the movie.
Kayaba: Hot damn. You're the real deal.
Kayaba starts to chuckle, genuinely happy to find someone who gets his references. He even admits to have felt a kinship with, and respect for the young man, despite finding him "Spiritually taxing." Kayaba admits he did find it odd he never formed his own guild, pointing out that as the strongest player he could've been leading armies. Kayaba thought it'd be a good idea to try it instead if Kirito wasn't gonna do it, and admits it's one of the biggest mistakes of his life. One of the soldiers charges at Kayaba in rage, but is paralyzed by his admin priviledges.
- Kayaba: Y-You see? This right here is just a perfect little microcosm of the last two years. This...FUCKING mastermind here, not two minutes ago, saw you try the exact same thing to no effect. Yet, by some HERCULEAN leap in logic that we mere mortals can never hope to comprehend, he figured it'd totally work out if HE DID IT. Now, I trust that the rest of you good people have enough pattern recognition not to follow in this man's footsteps. O-Oh wait, n-no that's goldfish! I'm thinking of GOLDFISH. Nyeh, better play it safe.
Kayaba proceeds to paralyze everyone.
Kayaba: Alright. Is everybody comfortable?
Soldier (#20): I fell at a weird angle and now my foot is behind my ear and I don't think it's supposed to do that.
Kayaba: Fantastic.
Asuna: What the hell, Commander! Why'd you paralyze me too?! I'm not gonna try anything!
Kayaba: Really, Asuna? You expect me to believe that? Even in THAT state I'm not convinced you won't try to set me on fire with your mind. You're trying to do it right now, aren't you?
Asuna (Squinting her eyes): Staaaaaare.
Kirito: Easy, girl.
Kayaba: Alright, now that I have your ears as well as your spines, allow me to indulge myself for a moment and tell you all what every content creator has always wanted to say to their audience. (Clears throat) FUCK...ALL...Y'ALL!!!
Asuna: Oh yeah. You can tell this is gonna be constructive.
Kayaba: Do you have any idea what it's been like trying to lead you people?! You ignore all my strategies, you ADAMANTLY refuse to work together, and then you blame ME FOR ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS!!!
Mobster: Well, to be fair, sir, you're responsible for at least a few of 'em.
Kayaba: Ah, yes. I see your point. Although, and- hear me out here, counterpoint...
(Kayaba presses button in his menu that makes the mobster scream in pain)
Kayaba: You're dead... HA!!! (Sigh) I tried, you know? LORD knows I tried. But there's just no helping you people. It's like you crave death! But not just any death! Noooo! YOU fuckers seem to have some kind of pool going to see who can end their existence in the dumbest, most avoidable way possible! And you just keep one-upping each other! Do you know how many of you have died screaming Leeroy Jenkins?! More than zero. Which, as far as I'm concerned, is grounds to exterminate the SPECIES.
Kirito: Hey, at least they have the guts to be here without a frickin' cheat code!
Kayaba: See, this is what I'm talking about! Which one of you geniuses missed what I did to the last gu-
Kayaba drops his shield to the ground, surprised that Kirito of all people is defending the players.
- Kirito: Oh, don't get me wrong. No one's saying their potential doesn't top out at assistant manager at Kinko's. I mean, just look at Schmitt.
Schmitt: WHY AM I ALWAYS THE EXAMPLE?!
Kirito: But that doesn't change the fact that they volunteered to be here, even though they KNEW it could get them killed. Which is just a few magnitudes more than I can say about YOU.
Kayaba: Oh ho, is that a fact? And pray tell, what CAN you say about me?
Kirito (Channelling Eric Cartman): "Oh, look at me. I'm Kayaba Akihiko. I have, like, an invincible shield that can block any attack, and also, like a super sweet sword that does infinity plus two damage and cut through anything, even, like, Wolverine claws and shit because I am so awesome and cool..."
Kayaba: Truly, you are the voice of a generation. At any rate, (Sighs) it seems like the time has come once again for me to bid you sparkling gems of humanity adieu. But not to worry, for I am a just and benevolent god. Once I warp out of here, I'll be sure to fix the door so you all can leave. I mean, eventually. I might watch a movie first. Ah, but which one to choose? Aw, it's gonna be, like, a day unto itself. Oh, you know, I'll get to it when I get to it. How does that sound?
Kirito: Well, I can't speak for everyone else, but it sounds like, "Waaaagh! Mommy, the other kids were mean to me cuz my game sucks and my face is stupid."
Kayaba: OH MY GOD! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!
Kirito: I...would like a rematch.
Kayaba: Could you not have just said that instead of all that other bullshit?!
Kirito: Oh, but Kayaba, you're such a MASTER of pattern recognition I woulda thought you'd realize, that's just not my style.
Kayaba: (Exasperated Sigh) You know what? Sure. Stabbing you in the chest sounds FUCKING therapeutic right about now. What are your terms?
Kirito: A fight to the death. Right here. Right now. None of your bullshit GM safety nets. And if I can beat you, you put an end to this dumpster fire of a game and let everyone go free.
Kayaba: Really? You wanna just cut things off 25 floors early? Seems rather sudden and anti-climatic.
Kirito: "What's wrong, McFly? Chicken?"
Kayaba: Oh ho! Back to the Future! Yes! That is definitely what I'm gonna watch after I kill you. Let's do this thing.
Asuna: That's a movie thing? Doesn't sound like a very good one.
Kayaba: YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH, WOMAN! I COULD END YOU WITH A THOUGHT!!!
Asuna: Jesus!
Kirito: Yeah, word to the wise. Don't mess with Zemeckis.
Asuna decides to ask Kirito why he's doing this. He loves the game and has no reason to want to leave sooner. But Kirito remembers what Rosalia told him a long time ago.
- Rosalia: And to top it all off, you play the "Tough guy." This invincible warrior you could never hope to be in the real world. Getting stuck in this game was probably the best thing to ever happen to you.
He does admit that it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, given the world is a dream come true to him, allowing him to be who he wants to be and say what he wants to say. However, a good friend told him to not give up on humanity just yet, and it started getting to him.
- Klein: Oh...Oh my god. He's talking about me! I said that! I MADE A DIFFERENCE!!!
Kirito continues that while the game means more to him than the real world, but he admits he's scared the longer everyone stays here, the more likely is the chance he'll lose what he really loves about this world.
- Klein: HIS FRIENDS!!! HE'S TALKING ABOUT HIS FRIENDS!!!
Kirito: (Sighs) Klein, buddy, I-I'm glad you're happy, but do you think we could have a moment here?
Klein: Right, right, of course! I'm sorry! I'll try to keep it down! (Whispering) This is everything I've ever wanted.
Kirito guesses that this is the part where Asuna makes fun of him, but she admits that she's not going to ruin this, and actually feeling proud of how much he's grown up. She tries to make everyone give a round of applause, but they can't clap their hands, though Klein tries to use his teeth instead ("That's...real weird, man. But I appreciate it.").
- Asuna: Now, go finish this thing.
Kirito: You got it, honey.
(Puts her down)
Asuna: Oh, yeah. Don't face me toward the fight or anything. That's cool
Before the fight begins, Kirito asks Tiffany to tell Lisbeth he didn't actually name it the Piece of Shit ("Kay, Imma need a little more info to go on there..."), and apologizes to Klein ("Oh, okay. I guess we're just done here.") for not joining his party back in day 1 and has always regretted it, thinking back it could've been fun. Klein breaks out in Tears of Joy and is sputtering out gibberish. And he tells Kayaba that if he dies, he doesn't want Asuna to kill herself out of grief.
- Asuna: Pfft! You think I would kill myself over you?! Oh, go suck a dick!
Kirito: I believe that's your job now, honey! (Chuckles) Oh, I'm gonna pay for that later.
Kayaba: (Chuckles) Later? That's awfully optimistic considering how this turned out last time. I won't judge if you wanna back out now. Well, I might judge you a little.
Kirito: (Thinking) Oh, don't you worry about me, Kayaba. This won't be ANYTHING like last time. Because now, I've got something worth fighting for!
The two fight, set to the theme of Thirty Seconds to Mars' This Is War. Both are locked neck in neck, neither giving the other the advantage. However, that changes when Lisbeth's sword shatters against Kayaba's shield. While he's distracted, Kayaba strikes, telling him "Game Over!" however, Asuna had just jumped in the way of the strike. Her health drops to zero, and she starts to fade away.
- Asuna: (Chuckles) What do you know. Looks like it's finally my turn...To make you cry.
Kirito: A...Asuna...
Asuna: It's okay. Go on. Cry. Cry your little bitch...Tears...
She shatters and Kirito desperate reaches for his wife's shattered shards as they turn to dust.
- Kayaba: Huh, how did she...? There's not supposed to be any way to break out of Admin Paralysis. Heh, gonna have to add THAT one to the log. "Power of love may cause paralysis to fail." Heh, it's the damnedest thing. Somehow, that NEVER came up in Beta Testing. But hey, lucky break for you, am I right? (Sighs) You're gonna make me say it, aren't you? Fine! I'm sorry I killed your wife! But in my defense, she jumped in front of my sword! I mean, honestly, I'm the real victim here!
Kirito takes up Asuna's sword along with his intact sword, but is so emotionally exhausted he barely puts up a fight. A disappointed Kayaba knocks the intact sword away effortlessly.
- Kayaba: I bet this isn't exactly the way you pictured all this ending, but your fate was sealed the SECOND you challenged me. It's time to face reality, son. I'm the god of this world.
(Kayaba stabs Kirito)
Kayaba: This was never going to end any other way.
Kirito: No... I Reject Your Reality... And substitute MY OWN!
(Kirito stabs Kayaba with Asuna's sword)
Kayaba: Nice! Dungeonmaster!
Kirito: What? No, MythBusters. What the hell is Dungeonmaster?
Kayaba: Oh... I was so happy there for a second.
Both men's avatars die and everything fades to white. Kirito finds himself on a seemingly mirror floor, reflecting the near golden skyline. He thinks it's Heaven, but changes his mind when he pulls up the menu.
- Kirito: Eh, nah...Heaven wouldn't have a loading screen. This is definitely the other place.
Asuna suddenly calls out Kirito's name, and turns to see her, confused at him being there. He sheepishly admits that after Asuna sacrificed herself so he could live and save the day, he only did one of those things. She runs into his arms, and they kiss. They begin to ponder where they are, until Asuna points down at Castle Aincrad, falling apart and falling into the sea of clouds.
- Asuna: Oh hey, you can see our house from here.
(Said house breaks apart immediately)
Kirito: Well, that's disappointing.
Kayaba: Yeah, tell me about it.
The couple look over and see a plain looking young man in a lab coat staring down morosely. So used to seeing Heathcliff, Kirito is taken back a bit by Kayaba's real face before asking what's going on. Kayaba's keeping his end of the bargain, SAO is being wiped from the servers and all remaining players are being logged out.
- Kirito: But not in that order, right?
Kayaba: (Beat) I'm gonna have to get back to you on that one.
Asuna: As someone you recently murdered this feels kinda weird to ask, but...Are you doing okay? You seem a bit...Off.
Kirito: Yeah. Like someone just killed your dog in front of you and is now wearing it like a festive hat.
Kayaba: Whaaaaaat? No. What do I have to feel down about? I'm just standing here watching my hopes and dreams crumble into the uncaring void, thinking about how my business is ruined, and, in all likelihood, I'm the most wanted man on the face of the EARTH.
Kirito: Well, I mean, everyone wants to feel wanted, right?
Kayaba: I'm gonna miss our little chats, Kirito. I mean that sincerely, and frankly I don't know what that says about me. In any case, I suppose congratulations are in order. It wasn't exactly an OUTRIGHT victory, but at this point, I just want this whole nightmare to be OVER. Consider my plans THOROUGHLY foiled.
Kirito: Now that you mention it, that was the one part of this I was never able to figure out. What exactly...WERE your plans?
Kayaba: (Chuckles) You know, it's funny...I don't even remember anymore.
Kirito: Are you FUCKING serious?!
Kayaba: (Breaks out laughing) Oh my god, NO! Could you imagine? Two years and that's what I give you? MAN, that'd be unsatisfying. Uh, but no, I did this because of Metacritic.
Kirito: Like... the website?!
Kayaba: Oh, you know how it goes. It's a tale as old as video games themselves. You've got a deadline looming for your new console's launch and your new game's not exactly playable. So you panic and work for three weeks straight without sleep so you can get the damn thing done on time.
Kirito: Okay, I follow you so far, but how do we get from that to-
Kayaba: UNFORTUNATELY, in your sleep-deprived state, you ACCIDENTALLY manage to create a glitch that kills players when their AVATARS DIE!
Kirito: Yeah, there it is.
Asuna: Wait, did you say "accidentally?!"
Kayaba: Next thing you know, your tutorial NPC is nowhere to be found and players are dropping like Dorito-encrusted flies. Now in this case, any SANE man would simply turn off the servers before anyone else got hurt, but because you've now been awake long enough to think the government is run by "Floobar, King of the Mole Men," the best idea that comes to your mind is to double, triple, and quadruple down. So, you lock everyone in the game, tell them they'll die if they don't finish it, and try to make it look like this is all part of your "Master Plan" instead of an ever-spiraling series of events that you have LONG since lost control of.
Kirito: So...You thought that critics would be harsher on a game that killed a few players by ACCIDENT than one that killed THOUSANDS on purpose?
Kayaba: That was my thought process, yes.
Asuna: What the fuck is wrong with you?!
Kayaba: Hey! Cut me some slack, okay? Can you two even begin to imagine 500 uninterrupted hours of consciousness?! Forget mole people! About halfway through I swore I saw the face of GOD! Until I realized it was just the night janitor, Reki. On the plus side, I gave him a hell of an ego boost. Hmm, man was riding that compliment for DAYS.
Kirito: Great tits of Ganesha, man! Why didn't you just ask for an extension?!
Kayaba: You honestly think I didn't try that? The publisher wasn't having it. "The game's already been delayed twice," they said. "It's a big open world! No one's gonna notice a few GLITCHES." Fuckin' Bethesda.
Asuna: Fair enough, I guess. So then why did you pretend to be Heathcliff?
Kayaba: You remember that first month where 2000 of you died without even clearing the first floor?
The two realize this made a lot of sense, and Kayaba adds that by then it was too late to apologize and that the least he could do was help get them out of the mess he made. Despite the outburst earlier, he never wanted to kill anyone.
- Kirito: Uh, you just killed a guy, like, two minutes ago for mildly sassing you!
Asuna: Also, you know... us.
Kayaba: Look, it was a very tense situation, and I think it should be pretty apparent by now that I ain't exactly the picture of grace under fire! Besides, that guy was in the MAFIA! That's like a freebie! But fine, if you wanna know the whole truth, I figured as long as this slow-motion train wreck kept going, I could at least use you guys as hostages to keep the Feds off my back until I figured a way out of this mess. Not that I ever came up with one...
Asuna: Why didn't you just blame it on some hacker group PRETENDING to be you? Woulda made more sense than the truth, and it's not like you had any motive.
Kayaba: Yeah, okay. See, Asuna, the problem with that...Is that it's an EXCELLENT idea that I wish I had thought of two years ago. Anywho, on that sobering note, I think I'm going to go scream into that uncaring void for a bit. I can't say it's been nice knowing you two, but...If nothing else, you guys are like the dictionary definition of "Lesser of Two Evils." You two have fun while you still can.
Kirito finds himself underwhelmed, he thought this whole time he was fighting against some Machiavellian schemer, but the truth was "He was just as big a fuck-up as the rest of us." Asuna adds that naps should be considered an underrated yet important step in the "not killing people" process. Kayaba tries one more time to see if Kirito knows The Dungeon Master under a different name, but Kirito tells him again he's never heard of it, and disappears with a resounding "PEACE!" as the last bit of Castle Aincrad falls apart.
- Kirito: Hey, so, um...I've been meaning to ask you this for awhile now, but-
Asuna: No I will not do butt stuff.
Kirito: NO! Well, I mean that's disheartening, but that's not what I was gonna ask! I just wanted to know...What's your name?
Asuna: Uh, Asuna?
Kirito: N-No, not your screen name. Your real name.
Asuna: Asuna! Asuna Yuuki!
Kirito: Y-...You used your real name? That's so weird.
Asuna: It is? Wait, then what's YOUR name?
Kirito: Kazuto Kirigaya.
Asuna: (Groans) No! That's a terrible name! What am I supposed to call you now as a nickname? "Kaz"? I'm-I'm just gonna keep calling you Kirito from now on.
Kirito: Well, I guess I can't argue with that logic. Especially when "From now on" might only encompass the next few minutes.
Asuna: Oh yeah. Kayaba WAS deliberately vague on whether or not we're going to live through this.
Kirito: Yeah. Guy can't make video games for shit, but he sure knows how to play.
Asuna: Well, if these are our final moments together, I just want you to knOOOOH, GODDAMMIT, KIRITO!!!
Kirito: (Kirito breaks down in tears) I'm sorry! I-I just...I don't want this to be over! We were finally going to meet in the real world, and we were gonna bring Yui back, and were gonna do some family shit like-like a walk in the park or something!
Asuna: (Starts crying as well) She's an AI. How would that even work?
Kirito: I don't know! I'll-I'll-I'll build her, like, a robot body and we'll take THAT to the park!
Asuna: Oh yeah. Like YOU could build a robot.
Kirito: I could totally build a robot!
Asuna: Oh yeah? Then prove it.
Kirito: (Hugs Asuna) I will! Because we're gonna survive this! And I'm gonna find you and we're gonna become a real FUCKING family! I'm sorry I never said it out loud before but...I love you Asuna.
Asuna: (Everything goes white) I know.
Kirito wakes up in a hospital bed, emancipated and with a nervgear on his head. Realizing he's finally awake, he struggles to find Asuna, until the catheter rips at his dick.
Season 2: Fairy Dance Arc
At their cabin on Floor 22, Kirito sighs with relief that his showdown with Heathcliff "was all just a terrible dream. After all, SAO is where we really belong." Asuna agrees, and mentions how wonderful it is that all the dead players are "actually alive for some reason," and that their next-door neighbor doesn't do anything inappropriate with fish. Though Asuna does have to ask, "Is the sky bleeding?"
As the sky turns red, Asuna suddenly vanishes, and their home shatters around him, Kirito begins gasping in a panic attack, and... Kazuto Kirigaya jerks awake in his bedroom in the real world.
Kazuto is appalled to be up at the ungodly hour of 7:15 AM, especially after he realizes who is waiting for him. But he attempts to reassure himself that he's not "the same scared little boy who escaped into video games! You've had a whole character arc and shit!" Unfortunately, his self-pep talk is for naught when he finds himself sparring in the family dojo against his sister.
- Kazuto: Ow, come on, Suguha! I just learned how to walk again!
Suguha: Don't worry... you'll still be able to crawl, maggot! (maniacal laughter)
Kazuto: No! Please! Mercy! I yield! I yield!
Suguha: Death before dishonor!
While washing up afterward, Suguha proceeds to mock Kazuto for extending his stay in the hospital with his catheter accident, insisting that he has an "online wife," and coming home in tears each time he visits her. After enduring more sarcasm, with Suguha suggesting that he really goes off to ogle the woman on the menu of an abandoned restaurant, Kazuto declares that he's going to see Asuna again.
- Suguha: Cool, whatever. Oh, remember to take some tissues, though. You know, to clean if off her face when you're finished. Be a gentleman about it.
Kazuto: (offscreen) OH MY GOD!
At the hospital, Kazuto finds Asuna still in a NerveGear-induced coma, and that her father is paying her a visit at the same time.
- Shouzou: It's good of you to keep visiting her like this. Like a watchful guardian looking after a slumbering princess, lying there like a perfect, beautiful little parasite, sucking the marrow from MY VERY BONES!
Kazuto: I'm not letting you pull the plug, sir!
Shouzou: Ah, sorry. Force of habit. You can relax. My lawyers have advised me that killing my daughter to get out of medical bills would cause more problems than it would probably solve.
Kazuto: Really. Weird.
Shouzou: So I've decided to marry her off to a nice gentleman from my company instead! A righteous alternative to euthanasia!
Kazuto: WHAT?!
A sharp-dressed, bespectacled man - whom Shouzou misnames as "Versace," after the label on the briefcase of money the guy gave him - enters the hospital room. After Shouzou impulsively hurries off to speak with his "Ferrari guy," the newcomer circles around the bed to lean over the sleeping Asuna.
- Kazuto: Look, I don't know how much money you gave the old man, but I hope you kept a receipt. Funnily enough, Asuna is already married! To ME! I mean, it was in a video game so I don't actually know how legally-binding that is, but still, it's the principle of-
(the man takes a deep sniff of Asuna's hair)
Kirito: -oh god, what are you doing?
???: (pervy chuckle) She smells like innocence...
The interloper mockingly greets "Kirito," the "big hero" he read about in the papers, then bluntly shuts down Kazuto's attempts at sarcasm. While Kazuto protests that there's no way a marriage to a coma patient can be legal, the older man expresses his confidence that Asuna will be awake in time for the wedding and happy to go along with it... and then he proceeds to tug on Asuna's lip while speaking in falsetto to make her "agree."
- "Asuna:" Oh yes, absolutely! I can't wait to break me off a piece that sweet Sugou dick! You're SO much hotter than my fake online-husband! I can't wait to wake up, just so I can wrap my moist lady parts around your-
Kazuto: (grabbing his wrist) Knock it off!
???: Careful, now. You've got Asuna's life in your hand there.
As the older man explains, after "that imbecile Kayaba deep-sixed an entire industry," someone else had to take over the SAO servers when Argus failed.
- ???: Enter, stage right, the real hero of this tale: Nobuyuki Sugou... Oh, right, you still think I'm a briefcase - I'm Nobuyuki Sugou. Anyway...
Sugou was able to convince Shouzou that his company, RECT Progress, should buy up the SAO servers to keep them running. So as Sugou sees it, not only does Kazuto owe Sugou his life, Sugou is entitled to some "satisfaction" in the form of Asuna. After letting Kazuto know that the wedding is next week (and that security will be there in 30 seconds), Sugou takes his leave.
Kazuto is horrified, but vows that he won't accept this, and that Sugou will soon "reap the fucking whirlwind that is the unbridled fury of the Hero of Aincrad!" ...and then goes home to write an angry tweet about the situation.
- Kazuto: What the hell am I gonna do?
But before he falls completely into despair, Kazuto is shocked to receive an email containing images of what looks like Asuna in some sort of cage... though he's confused why she looks like a fairy.
Meanwhile, in that cage amid the branches of a colossal tree, an unfamiliar figure with a familiar voice pays Asuna a visit.
- ???: Well, well, how's my little birdie feeling today?
The Fade to Black that follows is interrupted by Asuna hocking a loogie onto the man's face, to his displeasure.
Kazuto enters the Dicey Cafe, ranting about Tiffany's lousy directions and all his "SEETHING IMPOTENT RAGE!"
- Tiffany: You okay, bud? Was the trip really that bad?
Kazuto: Honestly? No! I'm just making a big deal about a minor inconvenience 'cause I need to vent about the MULTI-HEADED DICK HYDRA THAT IS NOW MY LIFE, AND I KNOW THAT YOU'RE A GOOD ENOUGH PERSON TO TAKE IT IN STRIDE!!
Tiffany: Uh... thank you?
Kirito: YOU'RE WELCOME!! I TREASURE OUR FRIENDSHIP!!
To distract his friend, Tiffany slides Kazuto the box for Alfheim Online, and over a freshly-boiled cup of 9-Up, explains that it's a VRMMO "that teaches little kids to share and... murder each other, I dunno." Despite being allegedly intended for younger players, the game exploded in popularity when older gamers discovered its flight mechanics. One of those gamers spotted and snapped a screenshot of Asuna sitting in a birdcage in an inaccessible area - someone is imprisoning her in that virtual reality.
- Kazuto: OH HELL YEAH!!
Tiffany: I know, right?! Wait, no, I get why I'm happy, why the hell are you happy about this?
Kazuto: Don't you see, Tiff?! This game was made by RECT Progress! You know that scumfuck who bought Asuna?
Tiffany: Da rapist?!
Kazuto: Yeah, that's the one! He works for these guys!
Tiffany: Oh shit! That's a hell of a coincidence!
Kazuto: Coincidence nothing, this is fate! I get to be a videogame badass again, and screw with the fuckstick that's trying to steal my wife!
Tiffany: Fuck yeah! Get 'em, son!
Kazuto: All while saving Asuna!
Tiffany: I mean sure, if there's time!
Kazuto: Thank you for this wonderful gift, Tiffany! Good-bye, stupid real world, and hello, Alfheim Online!
Kazuto's departure is interrupted by him vomiting up his questionable drink, but he soon returns home to find Suguha loitering on the back porch, eating a snack. When she tries to insult him with her mouth full and starts choking, Kazuto considers letting her die, but passes her a life-saving juicebox almost before he realizes it. She shows no gratitude, but Kazuto is able to shrug off her next round of insults, and eagerly dons his NerveGear to enter Alfheim Online. He gets bogged down in character creation after finding that nearly every permutation of his preferred handle has already been claimed, but eventually, as xvx_K1r1t0_xvx_KillMe, he is able to start the game as a Spriggan.
...And immediately falls into some sort of anomaly that takes him from a starting area to dump him in a forest. Kirito is also surprised to find that all his stats from SAO have somehow carried over into this game, though his inventory is a mess of glitch items.
- Kirito: Ah, well, can't have everything, I guess. All I'm really losing is my sword, my armor, and MY DAUGHTER!!
To Kirito's relief, Yui's item form is still safe, and a teary reunion ensues when he brings her back into the game world... up until the point Yui asks if he liked her "joke."
- Kirito: YOU FAKED YOUR DEATH AS A JOKE?!
Yui explains that she was never in real danger of deletion, she was instead attempting to "humanize myself through clever witticisms" after revealing her true nature as an artificial intelligence to Kirito and Asuna. This unfortunately meant that Kirito's well-meaning, "if woefully incompetent," rescue attempt left her trapped in his inventory for months, fully conscious but unable to escape or speak with him. Which quite ruined her joke.
- Kirito: Okay, sweetie? I'm gonna let you in on a little-known secret of comedy: bad things aren't funny when they happen to Daddy.
Yui: What about Mommy?
Kirito: Oh, Mommy's fair game, go for the throat. Right, Mommy! Yui, I don't have much time to explain, but someone's trapped your Mommy in this game, and we only have a week to save her!
Yui immediately takes action, and scans the server to detect Asuna's player ID in a location controlled by the game's administrator, prompting Yui to give herself the additional objective of "KILL GAME ADMIN BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY." She then transforms into a pixie for ease of travel, and activates Kirito's wings, launching him with a scream.
Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, a Sylph player has been cornered by three perverted Salamanders, who want her to start stripping down while they flick mayonnaise on her. Her attempts to beg for mercy are undermined by the fighting stance she assumes, until the lead Salamander calls a character break to lecture this Princess Leafa on her performance.
- Salamander: It's just, your words and your actions are telling two completely different stories. Like, are you a helpless damsel? Or a battle-hardened veteran? You need to pick one and commit, because right now, I'm just not buying either.
Leafa: (sighs) I'm sorry, guys. It's just, old habits die hard, you know? You have no idea how badly I want to be the damsel here.
Salamander: See, this is why I hate you Sylph players. You just don't put in the work, and you ruin the fantasy for everyone else! I've had a long, hard day at the soup kitchen, and all I want is to come home, log in, and pretend to be a sexually-predatory general named PantySmasher. Can you give me that? For like, ten minutes?
They're interrupted by a screaming Kirito crashing into the scene, to the Salamanders' annoyance. When Kirito realizes what's happening, he asks "blondie" if she wants any help, and Leafa eagerly lets the "mysterious stranger" rescue her. Kirito proceeds to shock the others by dispatching one of the Salamanders before they can react.
- Kirito: Man... it's good to be home.
After watching his two comrades get cut down in seconds by the interloping Spriggan, General PantySmasher challenges Kirito to aerial combat, only to realize his foe doesn't know how to fly. A thrown sword encourages PantySmasher to retreat, but he vows that "the Salamanders cannot be stopped. And we shall not rest until we have. Dat. Booty." Though that leads him to second-guess whether such a statement was in-character before he leaves in a huff.
Victorious, Kirito belatedly realizes that his attempts to curse are emerging in-game as "shirt" or "fudge," and panics until Leafa breaks character to explain that as a kid's game, ALO has a profanity filter. After Kirito spends a moment crying over this restriction, and Leafa makes sure the two KO'd Salamanders aren't going to respawn on them, she demands to know what the Spriggan wants and throws him some change to get him to leave.
- Kirito: Look, lady, I just want to ask you about The Wor-
Yui: Forget her, Daddy! We do not have time to deal with this obstinate hussy! (to Leafa) If you get in our way, (sinister laugh) I will-
Kirito: (covering her mouth) Yui, no, not the time.
Leafa: Who is this, now?
Kirito: Uh, this is Yui! She's my, uh... pet?
Yui: (muffled) WHAAAAT?!
Kirito: Yeah, it's a super-rare drop.
The Sylph is deeply suspicious of this new yet skilled player with a rare "pet," but decides to introduce herself as "Princess Leafa, heir to the throne of Sylvaine, pleased to make my acquaintance!"
- Kirito: Don't you mean "your?"
Leafa: I know what I said. Well? Bow!
Though Yui is eager to be on their way, Leafa drops character and offers to answer the strange Spriggan's questions. Initially thinking he's asking about the nearby Math Tree, Leafa offers to take him back to Sylvaine for the full story about the World Tree. Kirito has trouble taking off on his own, but to Leafa's annoyance he quickly gets the hang of flying and is able to keep up with her, though landing turns out to be more difficult.
After Leafa uses an incantation straight out of a Dick and Jane book to heal Kirito's damage from crashing, they're met by her friend Recon. He's quick to set aside the factional hostility and declare that "any friend of the princess is a friend of mine," though his attempt to introduce himself is interrupted by his faulty, secondhand NerveGear pulsing the fear center of his brain, leading Recon to spend a moment screaming about a tentacle monster teaching a classroom until Leafa calms him down.
Recon then asks if Leafa is going to attend her RP engagement party with Prince Cazmer - which she's five hours late for - but Leafa declares she'll be hanging out with this "rando" instead. At a bar, Kirito takes a moment to tease Leafa about her disinterest in her engagement, suggesting that maybe she'd prefer someone else, like that Recon boy-
- Leafa: One time! I sucked him off ONE time, okay?!
Kirito: Whoa, what?
Yui: I believe she's using a colloquial term to refer to the act of orally stimulating-
Kirito: I know what she means, Yui!
Leafa: We're not dating or anything, it was- It was for a quest! Shut up!
Brushing aside that distraction, Kirito presses Leafa for information about the World Tree.
- Leafa: But in order to do that, I'm gonna need to fill you in on some background info. For you see! Long ago-
Kirito: No.
Leafa: Okay, so like, six months ago, a group of friends found this game in a bargain bin or something...
As Leafa explains, the original RP group found Alfheim Online nearly abandoned by its target demographic in the wake of the SAO disaster, and used it as a setting for their own story: a "race war." The fairy factions are competing to be the first to reach the top of the World Tree and receive a boon from King Oberon.
- Leafa: So naturally, whoever wins that race, wins the war. Race War! #RaceWar!
Kirito: Ohh, okay, I mean I can't believe you'd call it that, but I guess that's not as a bad as-
Leafa: There's also been quite a bit of racial violence.
To prove her point, in the background a pair of Sylphs announce a successful fox hunt, over their Cait Sith quarry's protests. Kirito, though, isn't interested in their "Crayola Kerfluffle," but wants to know how to get to the top of the World Tree. To his frustration, Leafa can't tell him, since nobody's won that Race War yet. Kirito thanks Leafa for her help, and leaves to find "someone with a bit more experience," which outrages her enough that she demands to accompany him.
- Leafa: I may not know exactly how to conquer that tree, and sure, everyone who's tried has met a gruesome end! But I am Princess Flippin' Leafa, and if there's one thing I do know, it's how to throw wave after wave of loyal subjects at a problem until they either figure it out for me, or their corpses stack up so high they ring Oberon's doorbell! Because that, good sir, is how a princess... do.
Kirito: ...Sooo, you wanna come with?
Leafa: You bet your sweet patootie I'm coming with! You two wouldn't last a day without me!
Kirito: (sigh) If you insist. Welcome aboard, your majesty.
Yui: Fair warning, if you slow us down for even an instant, I shall not hesitate to leave you for the wolves.
Leafa excitedly declares that they'll begin their quest the next day, but before she logs out, her new companion remembers to properly introduce himself, confidently stating that his name is Kirito. Leafa freezes up in shock, says good-bye in a strained voice, and hastily disconnects...
...and in the real world, Suguha Kirigaya takes off her Amusphere, stares up at the ceiling for a moment, and then lets out a bloodcurdling scream.
- Suguha: Son of a horse dick-fucking shit weasel-fucking bitch whore... ASS!! What is that FUCKING cock-sampler doing in MY GAME?! Oh, Jesus fuck! I said my brother had a sweet patootie! (shrieks and starts sobbing into her pillow) Nooooo! Noooooo! NOOOOOO!!
Back in Alfheim, atop the World Tree, Asuna is visited in her birdcage by Sugou's fairy avatar, who insists upon calling her Titania and himself King Oberon. She proceeds to mock how he mispronounces their aliases and bites him when he lays a hand upon her. Oberon vows that his captive's "tune will change soon enough," and monologues about how Alfheim Online was built upon the foundation laid by Sword Art Online, a game that, through the NerveGear, allowed users to surpass their real-life abilities.
- Asuna: Yeah, I was trapped in that world for two years! You really think I didn't know all that?
Oberon: Well, I just think it's fascinating, is all. Increase your Strength stat, and even a child could wield the mightiest weapons. Increase Dexterity, and you could move with the grace of a world-class gymnast. Increase Charisma...
Asuna: Yeah, yeah, it would let you... ohhhh. Oh no...
Oberon: By Jove, I think she's got it!
Yes, by using the same technology behind the likes of Keita's Hat of Charisma +50, and some test subjects digitally kidnapped during the shut-down of SAO, Oberon and his scientists hope to perfect the NerveGear's mind-bending potential to let him "hold the world in the palm of my hand" and end Asuna's "rebellious streak" before their wedding at the end of the week.
- Asuna: You're Insane! Thankfully, you're also an idiot. Why would you tell me any of this? You really think I'm just gonna sit around and wait for that to happen?
Oberon: (chuckles) My dear Ti-tanya, you're lucky you're so pretty. By all means, give me your best shot! But if you really think you can overpower the (dramatically turns away to add emphasis) System Admin, then I dare say you're even dumber (turns back around) than I- where did you go?
Sugou can only sigh in exasperation as alarms blare and his minions scream in panic and pain as Asuna rampages through them offscreen.
At the end of the school day, Suguha is confronted by a classmate who calls her "Leafa," leading her to lecture this Nagata that he isn't to mention that game in public. Recon's player explains that when Leafa skipped her engagement party last night, Prince Cazmer was so displeased he "used the vice" on Recon. Suguha could care less about Nagata's difficulties or the story the hardcore RPers are cooking up, and is ready to head on to kendo practice. Nagata asks if her brother, the famous "Hero of Aincrad," will be there too, but is astonished when Suguha explains that "spineless quitter" hasn't practiced for years.
As an increasingly-annoyed Suguha tries to leave, Nagata musters up the courage to ask her out on a real-life date, earning a jab in the gut from her sword bag.
- Suguha: Don't get the wrong idea about us, okay! You and I are barely friends! Recon is Princess Leafa's fuckboy, got it?! Don't confuse the game with real life, you perv! Now meet me in the janitor's closet after practice - I've got another quest for you.
Nagata: (weakly) Yes, princess...
Later, when preparing to log back into ALO, Suguha grumbles to herself about her brother getting into her game to blackmail her, and how he's probably mocking her for acting "like a bad bitch, but you secretly like all this girly shit, like fairies, and Nagata, and ponies!" To get him back for "tricking" her into feeling bad for him, she resolves to lead him into the "dark corners" of Alfheim, starting with... the Fairport.
Yes, Kirito is incredulous to learn that Alfheim Online has a place where people log in to pretend to run an airport, complete with customs and pretzel vendors. But while there, Leafa is accosted by an irate Prince Cazmer, who lambasts her for embarrassing both him and their queen, as well as "galivanting with this detestable Spriggan trash!" Leafa bluntly states she's not interested in the marriage storyline, even if it would end a civil war, and when Cazmer presses the issue, Kirito intervenes to tell him to back off.
- Cazmer: Know your place, Spriggan! I know not how you seduced our fair princess-
Leafa: (gags)
Cazmer: -but events have been set in motion that are beyond your meager comprehension!
Cazmer vows that "what I do, I do for the good of us all," but as the argument escalates, Leafa threatens that Cazmer will be in deep trouble once her mother returns from her peace talks at Butterfly Valley. Cazmer abruptly declares that he and his retainers have been sufficiently intimidated and departs, leaving Leafa and Kirito free to continue through the fairport.
After the Spriggan is subjected to a cavity search, Kirito and Leafa stand at an overlook beneath a glitching skybox, and Kirito reminds her that she mentioned an army of subjects that could help him assault the World Tree. While Leafa wonders whether her mother would be of any help, Recon comes running in to join them.
- Recon: So, where are you guys off to? Going on a que- (ahem) You guys going on a mission? Can I come with?
Leafa has a moment of panic as she imagines Recon bonding with Kirito, learning each other's real-life identity, and Nagata telling her brother about "the handy I gave him," or worse, the time she baked him cupcakes! So she sends Recon off on a "super special mission" to keep tabs on Prince Cazmer, who she declares has been acting "real sus lately." Recon eagerly agrees, but before he leaves, asks Kirito to look after his princess, who tends to "get herself into trouble, like, constantly." Kirito cheerfully states that he won't let Leafa out of his sight, because he doesn't trust her at all.
As Kirito and Leafa fly off, he teases her about her treatment of her "boyfriend," which Leafa denies. Kirito only laughs, while Yui states that both Leafa and Recon's heartrates increase by 22% when they're near each other - when Leafa counters that maybe she's scared of Recon's "big knife," both Kirito and Yui laugh even harder.
Meanwhile at Asuna's birdcage, Oberon complains about her "constantly escaping thing" and how his minions' therapy bills are beginning to pile up.
- Oberon: Especially dear Shoji. I don't know what you have against him specifically, but he's starting to take it personally.
Asuna: (casually) Yeah, I go pretty hard with Shoji... is he in today?
Shoji: (offscreen) NO! I-I mean... (falsetto) Shoji's out sick today! (nervous laugh)
Oberon shrugs off Asuna's antics, since his mind-control research is nearing completion, with "housewife protocols" that are "somewhere between Leave It to Beaver and hardcore porn!" When that fails to intimidate her, Oberon finally gets a reaction by mentioning that he detected Asuna's "boy toy" logging in the previous night. While he could simply ban Kirito, Oberon decides it'd be more fun to let him struggle his way to Asuna's prison only to find it impregnable, giving Oberon the "satisfaction of seeing that glimmer of hope die in his eyes!"
This threat, however, backfires.
- Asuna: (quietly) I think if you touch a single hair on his head, I'm gonna be wearing your guts like my mom's pashmina.
Oberon: ...Excuse me?
Asuna: I'm sorry, did I frickin' stutter? (glares straight at him) I said, if you hurt him, you will experience pain and torment beyond anything you could possibly imagine. Your body will be torn apart, piece by piece, as you beg for a mercy that will never come. I will add your screams to my gosh-darned Spotify, and I will see your head MOUNTED ON A FUDGING PIKE!!
His composure shattered, Oberon rants back that for all of her defiance, Asuna is going to spend the rest of her life in "blissful, mindless servitude," and demands that she help him pick out the china pattern for the wedding... only to find that she's slipped out while his attention lapsed for a single second.
- Shoji: (offscreen) Nonono, please! I'm sorry that I lied! (agonized screaming)
(alarms blare)
Oberon: Screw it. Willow blue it is.
Elsewhere in Alfheim, Kirito and Leafa land in a forest clearing, which Leafa assures him is a safe area where their wings can recharge without fear of being attacked. Kirito, who can see corpses nearby, is less than convinced, but Leafa encourages him to log out and go get a snack. Even though he's worried about Asuna...
- (a walkie-talkie lies on the floor in a corridor with flickering lights)
Voice on Radio: Bravo, come in! Do you have visual on the prisoner?! I repeat, do you... Oh lord... IT'S IN THE VENTS!!
(inhuman snarls and sounds of carnage)
...Kirito takes a quick break, leaving his avatar slumped on the ground. This gives Leafa a chance to search his body for evidence that he's only in ALO to mess with her, but she's interrupted by Yui emerging from Kirito's pocket. The AI girl addresses Leafa as Suguha Kirigaya, clueing her in that she's no mere pet item... though Leafa can only conceptualize Yui as "one of the those robots that can talk and think and junk," prompting Yui to adjust her interaction parameters.
Yui explains that she learned Suguha's identity by hacking her Amusphere ("as well as a few other things") to get her account info, while Kirito is simply trying to rescue his wife from the game's administrator, who is keeping her atop the World Tree, and has no idea that he's adventuring with his sister - Kirito's encounter with Leafa was just a coincidence.
- Leafa: That's absurd!
Yui: (cheerfully) Correct! But that is also what happened.
Leafa: Yeah, no, I ain't buying it! That butthead knows I'd never be caught dead playing a girly game like this! This is clearly all part of some elaborate revenge plot, just admit it!
Yui: A pity. If you will not listen to reason, then perhaps more... drastic methods will be necessary.
Leafa: Ha! Nice try, kid, but you've got a terrible poker face.
Yui: At least I still have a face. (giggles)
Leafa: What's that supposed to mean-
(her avatar distorts so that her face is blank)
After Leafa spends several seconds making muffled screams of mortal terror, Yui reverts the avatar change, and Leafa cries that she'll do whatever Yui wants... just as Kirito comes back online, quite confused with her behavior. Leafa declares she's ready to get moving again, while Yui "explains" that Princess Leafa received a message from her mother that the fairy peace conference is almost complete, but if Kirito and Leafa get there fast enough, they might be able to recruit the Sylph and Cait Sith armies for their assault on the World Tree. This unfortunately will take them through Kandy Kane Kavern, hence the need for haste. Kirito's skeptical, but Leafa promises that her intentions are benign - though she has to shoo away one of the feral Forest Folk before he jumps Kirito from behind.
Leafa takes flight, and while a still-suspicious Kirito warns that all this better not be one of Yui's "quote-unquote jokes," the party continues on their journey... while being followed by a red-eyed bat flying in broad daylight.
- Leafa: Wow. Sounds like this... creative, young, beautiful woman is maybe lashing out. Is it possible you did something to hurt her at some point?
Kirito: That's the thing! I didn't do anything!
Leafa: (clenches fist) You ever think that maybe that was the problem?
Kirito: ...Huh?
Yui: (emerging from Kirito's pocket) Eeeee-I hate to cut this session short, but I am picking up the signatures of twelve players directly behind us!
Leafa whirls around, spots the bat from the end of the previous episode, and blasts this "Squeaker" while it cries out for its master. As she and Kirito flee, Leafa explains that the Salamanders are callous enough to max out their pets' affinity levels so they'll be willing to go on suicide missions... cut to the dying Squeaker being cradled by a tearful Salamander mage, who screams in anguish when his beloved pet shatters.
Though Kirito and Leafa are able to reach the Kandy Kane Kapital first, it can somehow tell when Kirito refers to it as the "Candy Cane Capital," locking them out just as a Salamander attack squad catches up with them. While Kirito batters against the enemy shieldwall and tanks their magic, Leafa only contributes just enough healing for the stalemate to continue, enjoying watching her brother struggle. Yui emerges and explains that she has a program that will help, but she needs Leafa to protect Kirito while Yui works.
- Yui: I implore you! I understand that your bond is strained, but nothing can move forward until one of you takes the first step!
Leafa: Well, why's it gotta be me, huh?! He's the one who ruined my life!
Yui: Because right now, like it or not, you are the only one with the chance to start putting things right. So please... won't you help him? Auntie Sugu?
Leafa: Aww, that is cheating...
While Leafa casts a warding spell on Kirito, Yui hacks the game to execute Protocol A-74, transforming him into The Gleam Eyes, the "giant fucking goat demon" boss from Sword Art Online.
- Salamander: What in tarnation is that?!
Salamander Leader: Hold firm, men! It's just illusion magic! He's not actually-
(The Gleam Eyes eats one Salamander and crushes another in quick succession)
Salamander Leader: ...Okay, that's my B, fellas. I reckon we best skedaddle.
Kirito-as-The Gleam Eyes proceeds to go on a rampage, so with Yui's approval, Leafa logs out to grab a quick shower. Back in the real world, Suguha is incredulous to find that Nagata - or "Nutter Butter" as her phone lists him - tried to call her 96 times, and finally calls him back. He's hysterical, but Leafa manages to calm him down enough for him to explain that she was right about Cazmer being up to something.
- Suguha: Holy shit, really?!
Nagata: ...You just wanted to get rid of me again, huh?
Nagata describes how he followed Cazmer and his entourage into the sewers, where he saw them meeting with some Salamanders to tip them off that the Sylph queen will be meeting with the Cait Sith in an isolated valley. Suguha is apathetic until Nagata wonders how Cazmer learned about the treaty in the first place, a security breach that will surely make Queen Sakuya demand the culprit's head on a pike. Suguha remembers how she blabbed about the treaty during her confrontation with Cazmer at the Fairport...
Back in the game, a frantic Leafa and still-confused Kirito flee the now-burning Kandy Kane Kapital, trying to race the Salamanders to the Sylph-Cait Sith treaty site. Unfortunately, they're too late, and the Salamander army is now looming over the rival faction leaders and their handful of guards. Kirito makes the suggestion, if the gathering is a peace conference, that they simply try to make peace with the Salamanders, though he immediately has regrets when Leafa reminds him they're on an RP server.
- Krito: No, I-I refuse to engage! You cannot make me!
Leafa: Eh, your call, bro. Sidebar: how long does it take for Stockholm Syndrome to set in?
Kirito: (groan) The things we do for love...
So he crash-lands into the standoff between the oddly deep-voiced Queen Sakuya of the Sylphs, cutesy, fangirl Japanese-speaking Princess Hime of the Cait Sith, and the oddly high-pitched Eugene of the Salamanders. Proclaiming himself Viscount Kirito of the Spriggan Ziggurat, he - after being informed that the other Spriggans were all wiped out - claims to be representing the Undine as they seek an alliance with the Sylphs and Cait Sith. While Sakuya is disgusted that the Undine have aligned themselves with the hated Spriggans, Eugene is so impressed with this interloper's courage that he offers to settle "this whole rigamarole one-on-one, mono-e-mano, dangle-to-dangle."
Kirito is incredulous that Eugene is throwing away his overwhelming numerical advantage, but obliges to duel the Salamander, who initially has the upper hand. As they fight, Kirito demands to know why everyone seems to hate the Spriggans.
- Eugene: You expect me to believe you don't know your sins when you carry his name?!
Kirito: Whose name?! What the heck are you talking about?!
Eugene: The Alpha! The Great Betrayer! Kirito Prime!
Kirito: Um, that's um... wow. Yeah, I'm gonna need a minute!
After disengaging for a moment to swipe Leafa's sword, Kirito turns the fight around by breaking into his signature Dual Wielding, ranting as he handily defeats the Salamander.
- Kirito: Ever since I got back, it's just been one thing after another! I keep trying to do the right thing, but all it's cost me is everything I love! What was it all for?! And to top it all off, you morons even found a way to RUIN MY NAME!!
Eugene: Your... name...?
Afterward, Eugene is revived, and proceeds to bicker with Sakuya until they break character and refer to each other as Becky and Brian, respectively. Kirito's confusion gives way to despair when Leafa explains that the Sylph and Salamander leaders used to date, then had a nasty break-up and hacked each other's accounts to steal the other's characters, who they now portray as vicious parodies of one another, forming the cornerstone of their factions' lore.
- Eugene: (exaggerated redneck accent) I just love pickup trucks and footballing and ice-cold Miller Light with just a smidge of lime! Gosh, I'm such an alpha!
Sakuya: (exaggerated posh accent) Oooh, look at me! I idolize the time period where I'd have absolutely no rights or indoor plumbing! I'd probably make much more sensible decisions if my makeup weren't chock full of lead!
Eugene: (breaks character) It's from Sephora, you caveman!
The Salamanders leave so their leader can binge The Crown with her current boyfriend, allowing Sakuya to ask what Kirito and Leafa are doing there. Leafa pins the blame for the Salamander incursion on Prince Cazmer, leading Sakuya to open up a moon mirror to confront the treacherous Sylph... about his attempt to get Becky and Brian back together.
- Cazmer: Well, can you really blame me, Brian?! This game used to be fun, but ever since you two broke up, you've been forcing us to choose sides and fight a proxy war just to spend a little time with you!
Sakuya: Ugh! You sound just like Kirito and his heretical Spriggans! An embarrassment to the name...
Cazmer: Ted had the right idea! He wanted you guys to talk things out to at least be friends again! You didn't have to wipe out his entire race!
Kirito: Whoa, that's what happened?! ...Is it weird that I'm just kind of relieved that it wasn't the cannibalism thing?
Cazmer: I only regret that I didn't stand with my Spriggan brothers when they needed me the most! You! Last of the Kiritos! I'm so sorry for the way I treated you, I had to maintain the ruse, it was the only way! I just wanted peace between the races!
Sakuya: Your mad dreams end here, Travis! Ya banished!
Cazmer: NOOOOOO!!
Afterward, Kirito explains his quest to rescue his beloved from Oberon's clutches atop the World Tree, but Sakuya and Princess Hime are unenthused. Neither the Sylph nor Cait Sith armies are large enough to succeed in such an assault, and they see no reason to work together if only one fairy faction can receive the wish for winning the Race War... not that the leaders can remember whether that's a part of the base game or something they came up with while RPing. At any rate, they wish Kirito luck on his "suicide mission" and leave him empty-handed.
As Yui puts it, the whole venture was nothing but "A COLOSSAL WASTE OF OUR PRECIOUS TIME!!" But Leafa is unexpectedly, if awkwardly, apologetic, and tries to encourage Kirito to keep going, which actually seems to lift his spirits, since it gives him an opportunity to tease her about the song lyrics she cribbed to do so.
Meanwhile, in her bird cage, Asuna realizes she's being shunned by Sugou's minions, and so decides to abandon Plan A: Eat Employees Until They're Too Scared To Work On Mind Control, and moves on to Plan B: Actually Escape...
Kirito and Leafa arrive at Arun, the great city at the base of the World Tree. Kirito's intimidated by the scale of the thing, and Yui is quite impatient to continue on their mission, but Leafa is confident they can "gather ourselves a posse of the strongest, most bribable guys we can find" for a raid that night. Unfortunately, those hopes are dashed by an announcement that the server will be shutting down for maintenance until tomorrow afternoon, forcing them to postpone their rescue mission.
The next morning in the real world, a sleepy Kazuto and Suguha trade insults by the outdoor water pump. When Kazuto announces he's going to visit Asuna in the hospital again, Suguha, remembering Yui's urging to take the initiative to repair her relationship with her sibling, offers to come along. Kazuto is deeply suspicious, but doesn't refuse her - though he does dump cold water down the back of Suguha's shirt, earning a rock to the head in retaliation.
Meanwhile inside the World Tree, Asuna stumbles upon the lab where Sugou's scientists are experimenting on the captive minds of former SAO players. Two of said scientists, Shoji and Kyle, are busy squabbling over whose fault it is that they're stuck in slug monster avatars, and don't notice Asuna as she makes a break for a nearby admin console.
- Asuna: Please, for the love of Gosh, just let me open this menu!
Asuna is able to reach the interface, and after briefly getting distracted by something on it, she attempts to log out, only to mistakenly call up Tech Support, allowing the slug scientists to creep up on and grab her. She is predictably furious, while they are terrified at being so close to the cannibalistic harridan. Kyle ditches Shoji to get reinforcements, leaving him alone with his nemesis, who smiles evilly and greets him by name, bringing him to tears. Shoji tries to be defiant and challenges Asuna to do her worst, but instead of threatening him directly, she brings up Biscuit.
- Shoji: How the fudge do you know about my dog?
Asuna: Oh, don't you worry about that. After all, the way I see it, you got yourself a choice to make. You see, you can either let me go, or I break out... and I eat. That. Biscuit.
Shoji: OH NOOO!!
Asuna: Clock's ticking, Shoji. Nom nom.
Shoji caves and starts to set Asuna down, but is interrupted by the return of Kyle, who is outraged that he's letting the dangerous prisoner go. Shoji struggles to come up with an excuse, settling for "I was just... molesting her." While a disgusted Kyle berates him, Asuna eyes a keycard sticking out of the nearby admin console...
In the real world, Kazuto and Suguha visit Asuna's comatose body, and Suguha falters mid-mockery when she realizes that Kazuto truly cares about Asuna, leading her to have a moment of self-loathing. This carries over when they both log into Alfheim Online to resume their mission, and she has a teary breakdown.
- Kirito: Mornin', princess. How's it going?
Leafa: I... I... I DON'T KNOWWW!! (starts bawling)
Kirito: Oh, No... Not Again!
Leafa: (sobbing) So there's this guy, and I thought he was the problem, but now he might actually be nice! Which means maybe I'm the problem! I DON'T WANNA BE THE PROBLE-HE-HEMM!!
Kirito bluntly states that he doesn't have time for this, since his wife is still in danger. This predictably doesn't help Leafa, and he doesn't notice when she sobs that he's "the worst brother ever!" Leafa's eventually able to pull herself together, and she and Kirito explore a post-patch Arun, which now has the various fairy races living in seeming harmony, to their disquiet.
Unfortunately, Yui drops the bombshell that Sugou plans on moving up the wedding to that very night, leading Kirito to try flying up to the World Tree to reach her, only to smash into an invisible wall. While he tries to glitch his way through by ramming it repeatedly, Asuna hears the commotion, distracts Sugou, and drops down the keycard she purloined, the physical manifestation of a system admin access code... into which she's scratched the message "USE THE DOOR, IDIOT! ♥"
Knowing that there's no time to waste, Kirito hurries on to try and assault the World Tree through its gateway, leaving Leafa behind when she objects that it's a futile effort. After pressing "O" to proclaim his glory before the threshold guardians, he enters a huge chamber filled with robotic fairy soldiers. While he's able to cut through the ones that meet him in melee, Kirito is overwhelmed by the ranged firepower of the endlessly-spawning foes, agonizingly close to the portal to the upper levels of the World Tree. He dies, stuck with a ten-minute respawn timer.
While waiting, Kirito morosely reflects upon how far he's fallen from his time in SAO, but eventually realizes that he doesn't miss the death game, he misses the friends he made in Aincrad.
- Kirito: Face it, what's the real world got to offer? Asuna's slipping away. Tiff's got a family to look after. Who does that leave me with? ...Suguha? (scoffs) Fat chance... Well, actually... I guess she did come to the hospital with me. And she didn't even try to pull anything. That was weird, but... nice. Reminds me of when we were little... Heh. (sighs) Probably never have each other’s backs like that again...
Just as he's sinking into depression, Leafa bursts onto the scene, braving the fairy soldiers' fire as she recovers Kirito's "spirit" and takes it outside to revive him. Kirito sincerely thanks her, but then prepares to make another attempt - yes, his first try failed, but he's confident that if he and Leafa work together, they'll be able to succeed. While Leafa is touched, she insists that the chamber just keeps spawning enemies until the players are overwhelmed, and resorts to embracing Kirito, begging him not to try again.
- Leafa: Please, stop! Just shut your face... I'm telling you, the two of us aren't enough. You're just gonna keep getting hurt for no reason!
Kirito: She's in trouble. She needs my help. I have every reason.
Leafa: Gosh darn it, Kazuto! Why couldn't you ever fight for me this hard?!
(she gasps in wide-eyed horror and staggers away from him)
Kirito: What did you just... Sugu?!
Leafa: Oh no, oh no no no...
Kirito: Suguha?! Is that you?!
Leafa logs out in a panic, then in the real world, Suguha removes her Amusphere and bursts into tears. Kazuto confronts her through her bedroom door, and as his sarcasm gives way to anger, accuses her of following him online just to mess with him.
- Kazuto: Was all of this just some elaborate prank, or are you just so cruel that you can never let me be happy?! Do you really hate me that much?!
(Suguha growls and flings open the door)
Suguha: (in tears) How could I hate you?! I don't... I don't even know you anymore! You just left me! You left me all alone! We used to be best friends! I wanted to be just like you!
Suguha rants that she only took up kendo in the first place because Kazuto was being taught it, but when her brother "got bored and ditched me, I had to man up for you!" Their grandfather, who wanted to instruct Kazuto, made Suguha's training as difficult as possible to try and make her quit, but Suguha persevered, hoping that Kazuto would see how much fun she was having and come back to the sport. Instead, he got into computers and gaming, shutting her out of his life.
- Kazuto: H-hey, come on, that's not fair! It was Mom's idea to have me learn coding instead.
Suguha: Oh, DON'T give me that bullshit! You didn't even TRY to fight her on it! These last couple of days, all I've seen you DO is fight for what you care about! (dripping with tears) S-so what? W-was it me? Was I just not worth the effort? We used to be so close... but maybe that was all in my head... So how dare you accuse me of hating you, when you clearly never gave a shit about ME!
Kazuto: (looks away) I... had no idea...
Suguha: ...Just leave me alone. You've had enough practice.
Suguha closes the door on her brother, and Kazuto simply stands in the hallway, silent.
