History Recap / SwordArtOnlineAbridged

Laughing Coffin is seriously impressed so they let everyone live and are Kirito's to command. When they leave, Yolko asks Kirito what he's doing there. Kirito goes on to explain that safe zones are impossible to beat around, not even glitches can do it. Kirito did some digging and found a glitch that does, however, switch out the teleportation animation with the shattered death animation, that only works if you're falling, which both of them did. Yolko points out a ghost doesn't follow game rules, but Kirito counters he's not an idiot, which Kainz admits is a fair point. Kirito does bring up evidence that the figure he saw on the roof had a teleport crystal. He also points out Yolko's body language, from the faked death theory, her contempt to Schmitt, to her freak out, it meant they worked together to find the killer, and the speech was for his benefit since they thought he killed her. Yolko points out they could've been working with Schmidt, making him laugh.

Yolko admits to entangling him, and when Kainz asks why, she doesn't even know why. Kirito starts to leave, but as they put the pressure on Schmidt, Kirito admits he didn't do it. Kainz points out there's no other suspect.

-->'''Announcer''': [[''Franchise/MortalKombat'' Flawless Victory. Metallurgy!]]

'''Kuradeel (Seething in rage)''': What did you just call me!?\\

-->'''Asuna''': [[AsideGlance Don't expect a rematch anytime soon.]]
'''(At the now burning arena) Rioter''': WE PAID FOR BLOOD!

Asuna kills him, and hugs Kirito, beginning to make herself a [[IneligibleBlubbering sobbing mess]]. ("Anyone ever tell you you cry like a surly drunk?") Kirito leans in to kiss her. Later that night, they have dinner together, with Kirito pointing out that it tastes like ash, but it was satisfying. Kirito starts talking about it being alright to be over so late, but when he looks at her he finds something off, she's in lingerie.

'''Kirito''': Holy cow, Yui. That was amazing! I wish I had, like, a tiny little mic for you to drop.\\

A player plugs in his Nerve Gear, starts up his link, and enters the new Virtual Reality MMORPG, Sword Art Online. He wonders what changed since the beta testing... and is confronted by advertisements for Mountain Dew, the Iphone 15, [=McDonald's=], and [[CallForward Alfheim Online]]. He's disgusted and tries to activate the adblocker, only to find that it costs $29.99

The guide's a bust, but that's okay- the players can come up with their own plans. Except Diabel doesn't have any ideas, and the only thing the others could come up with is "group up and hit it 'till it dies". Since the only other suggestion is a player wanting to hear more about the 'Final Solution', he goes with 'group up'. Everyone does, except for Kirito and one girl in a red cloak- Asuna. When Kirito asks her why she's not joining anyone's group, she says that it's because she doesn't know how to play. And when she says she doesn't know how to play, she ''means'' it- she doesn't even know how to open the menu.

Dapper explains that Kirito has learnt to tolerate his new guild, comparing him to a fat man tolerate tape worms, which grosses Dapper out and makes him stop.

-->'''Guildmember''': Hey boss, whose Klein?\\

It cuts to Dapper, who is now a mess, who rants at the audience for expecting a happy ending. Life is full of disapointment, like how his wife left him for a cabana boy half her age, taking their kids with them to an island in Tahiti. Dapper boasts how he's still rich, before breaking down for how lonely he is, then throwing up on the floor.

Asuna takes him to restaurant named Restaurant, earning Kirito's snark. The argument between the two is cut short by a scream. They run outside and see a man in armor being hung from a tower with a barbed sword through his chest. Kirito jokes he's a pinata, pointing out that in a safezone he cannot die, so he's suffering. Asuna rushes up the tower while Kirito is asking for a 30 foot stick to whack the man. The man dies as his body breaks into death shards, and Kirito asks if anyone in the crowd saw the candy. As Kirito and Asuna argue, a purple haired woman approaches them as the crowd dissipates. Her name is Yolko, a friend of the man, Kainz. She breaks down in tears as Kirito realizes the man wasn't an NPC. Yolko is taken to her hotel, and afterwards, the two try to figure out what happened. Asuna is surprised he cares, so she asks him the girl's name, where he stammers until he says "Yoga Pants." He admits he wants to be right, and when Asuna snarks, he responds she wants to be as right as he is.

-->'''Asuna''': Jesus christ! What the hell are you doing!?\\

Kirito limps back into the room, where Asuna mocks him for thinking he's ''Franchise/{{Batman}}'' ("Hey, Fuck you! Wow, that actually touched a nerve.") Schmitt spasms and screams in insane laughter, making Asuna groan that they have to deal with it. She then realizes Kirito already left the room. Asuna is mad he left, but he points out it was perfectly normal of him. Asuna finds him, and gives him a sandwhich she made.

Kirito stops himself from talking by chewing on the food. Asuna asks what the next step is, but Kirito admits he already figured it all out. Asuna screams and Kirito drops the sandwhich, shattering it. He drops to his knees.

-->'''Kirito''': My Sandwhich...It was innocent!\\

One of the members tries to quote a bible verse, Judge 15:16, but the wording confuses everyone. Everyone looks at the man in confusion, even his fellow assassins, who drop the creepy voices and get into an argument on the best bible killing verse, that or Mark 13:20, which sounded so freaky nobody else knew it was in the bible ("Have you ever actually read the bible?"). Then the assassins get into an argument on the "Jesus commands me to kill" motif and how effective it is for them. The guild leader stops it all, and decides that they need to follow the bible on the verse, "Schmitches get stitches!" ("That's not even a word much less-gah! Forget, just kill these guys.")

A horse rides in, but it knocks its rider, Kirito off. Getting his best batman impression, he tells Laughing Coffin he's questing some witnesses to a serial killer. The leader tells them the lord orders the sinners dead...For 50 bucks.

Laughing Coffin is seriously impressed so they let everyone live and are Kirito's to command. When they leave, Yolko asks Kirito what he's doing there. Kirito goes on to explain that safe zones are impossible to beat around, not even glitches can do it. Kirito did some digging and found a glitch that does, however, switch out the teleportation animation with the shattered death animation, that only works if you're falling, which both of them did. Yolko points out a ghost doesn't follow game rules, but Kirito counters he's not an idiot, which Kainz admits is a fair point. Kirito does bring up evidence that the figure he saw on the roof had a teleport crystal. He also points out Yolko's body language, from the faked death theory, her contempt to Schmidt, to her freak out, it meant they worked together to find the killer, and the speech was for his benefit since they thought he killed her. Yolko points out they could've been working with Schmidt, making him laugh.

That means everything was done because they thought Schmidt was the killer. Kainz then points out one thing that's bothered him.

Kirito snickers at this. Asuna shuts them up pointing out they gift wrapped Griselda's killer. Kainz point out he couldn't have done it, he was helping them. Kirito snarks that of course the guilty party wouldn't want to frame someone else. Kirito points out Schmidt wouldn't get the item since it'd be destroyed with her avatar. And he's clearly too neurotic to hire bandits and lacks the threat to force her to give it to him.

-->'''Kainz''': Oh my god, Schmidt's not the killer!\\

Schmitt was only apologizing because he's used to the bottom position since he got death threats for his 7/10 review of Pokemon V&R. Yolko points out Grimlock couldn't have done it, they loved each other, making Kirito point out that SAO allows married couples to share inventory.

After that, Grimlocks whole world fell apart, and that the woman he loved was gone. And he decided that if he was to preserve her memory, he'd kill the thing that took her place.

Lisbeth spots Asuna is wearing new earrings, and makes an analogy that there's a master swordsman who wants to slay dragon to plant his sword in the cave of wonders. The dragon is Clamydia in the metaphor. Asuna leaves right away, despite Lisbeth shouting, "I live vicariously through you! Your sex life is my sex life!"

Kirito figured what Asuna said was messed up, and possibly/probably racist. So Kirito cheers her up by naming the sword: The piece of shit. Dot, dot dot. Dragon shit that is! LOL, trademark Lisbeth, followed by all contact info. Lisbeth is pissed at this, and Kirito explains that from now on, her legacy will be poop made swords.

Kirito is at Tiffany's shop, who is stunned he got a Ragout Rabbit, and S-Class ingredient. And is disappointed he got it by just throwing a knife at it. Kirito disappoints himself. Tiffany asks if he really wants to sell since he could eat it himself, but Kirito points out he hasn't maxed out cooking. Asuna walks in with an older looking man and admits she maxed out cooking.

-->'''Kirito''': My god...We flowers for Algernon'd our taste buds!?

Asuna embraces Kirito in a hug, assuring him that while he may not like the idea of a guild, he doesn't have to worry about what happened to his last guild, even pointing out she won't die [[LastDisrespects like that dumb bitch Sally]]. Kirito whimpers Sachi's name, but Asuna [[{{Yandere}} tells him it doesn't matter, she's dead.]] Asuna promises things will be better this time. Back at the castle, they are approached by a bearded man speaking shakespearian.

As the slaughter ends, they find a safe room, and Kirito spots theres someone in the fetal position inside. Yulier gasps Thinker's name, confirming that he is indeed there. As they run to him, a scythe nearly bisects Yulier.

'''Kayaba''': "There can only be one?"\\

Kayaba starts to chuckle, genuinely happy to find someone who gets his references. He even admits to have felt a kinship with, and respect for the young man, despite finding him "Spiritually taxing." Kayaba admits he did find it odd he never formed his own guild, pointing out that as the strongest player he could've been leading armies. Kayaba thought it'd be a good idea to try it instead if Kirito wasn't gonna do it, and admits it's one of the biggest mistakes of his life. One of the soldiers charges at Kayaba in rage, but is paralyzed by his admin priviledges.

'''Kayaba''': [[{{Squee}} Oh ho!]] ''Film/BackToTheFuture''! Yes! [[VocalDissonance That is definitely what I'm gonna watch after I kill you.]] Let's do this thing.\\

Afterward, Eugene is revived, and proceeds to bicker with Sakuya until they break character and refer to each other Becky and Brian, respectively. Kirito's confusion gives way to despair when Leafa explains that the Sylph and Salamander leaders used to date, then had a nasty break-up and hacked each other's accounts to steal the other's characters, who they now portray as vicious parodies of one another, forming the cornerstone of their factions' lore.

The Salamanders end up leaving so their leader can binge ''Series/TheCrown'' with her current boyfriend, allowing Sakuya to ask what Kirito and Leafa are doing there. Leafa pins the blame for the Salamander incursion on Prince Cazmer, leading Sakuya to open up a moon mirror to confront the treacherous Sylph... about his attempt to get Becky and Brian back together.

Afterward, Kirito explains his quest to rescue his beloved from Oberon's clutches atop the World Tree, but Sakuya and Princess Hime are unenthused. Neither the Sylph nor Cait Sith armies are large enough to succeed in such an assault, and they see no reason to work together if only one fairy race can receive the wish for winning the Race War... not that the leaders can remember whether that's a part of the base game or something they came up with while [=RPing=]. At any rate, they wish Kirito luck on his "suicide mission" and leave him empty-handed.

The next morning in the real world, a sleepy Kazuto and Suguha trade insults by the outdoor water pump. When Kazuto announces he's going to visit Asuna in the hospital again, Suguha, remembering Yui's urging to take the initiative and repair her relationship with her sibling, offers to come along. Kazuto is deeply suspicious, but doesn't refuse her - though he does dump cold water down the back of Suguha's shirt, earning a rock to the head in retaliation.

Unfortunately, Yui drops the bombshell that Sugou plans on moving up the wedding to that very night, leading Kirito to try flying up to the World Tree to reach her, only to smash into an invisible wall. While he tries to glitch his way through by ramming it repeatedly, Asuna hears the commotion, distracts Sugou, and drops the keycard she purloined, the physical manifestation of a system admin access code... into which she's scratched the message "USE THE DOOR, IDIOT! ♥"

Knowing that there's no time to waste, Kirito hurries on to try and assault the World Tree through its gateway, leaving Leafa behind when she objects that it's a futile effort. After pressing '''"O"''' to proclaim his glory before the threshold guardians, he enters a huge chamber filled with robotic fairy soldiers. While he's able to cut through the ones that meet him in melee, Kirito is overwhelmed by the ranged firepower of the endlessly-spawning foes, just out of reach of the portal to the upper levels of the World Tree. He dies, stuck with a ten-minute respawn timer.

Nagata describes how he followed Cazmer and his entourage into the sewers, where he saw them meeting with some Salamanders to tip them off that the Sylph queen will be meeting with the Cait Sith in an isolated valley. Suguha is apathetic until Nagata wonders how Cazmer learned about the treaty in the first place, a security leak that will surely make Queen Sakuya demand the culprit's head on a pike. Suguha remembers how ''she'' blabbed about the treaty during her confrontation with Cazmer at the Fairport...

Afterward, Eugne is revived, and proceeds to bicker with Sakuya until they break character and call each other Becky and Brian, respectively. Kirito's confusion gives way to despair when Leafa explains that the Sylph and Salamander leaders used to date, then had a nasty break-up and hacked each other's account to steal the other's character, which they now portray as vicious parodies of one another, forming the cornerstone of their factions' lore.

Kirito and Leafa arrive at Arun, the great city at the base of the World Tree. Kirito's intimidated by the scale of his obstacle, and Yui is quite impatient to continue on their mission, but Leafa is confident they can "gather ourselves a posse of the strongest, most bribable guys we can find" for a raid that night. Unfortunately, those hopes are dashed by an announcement that the server will be shutting down for maintenance until tomorrow afternoon, forcing them to postpone their rescue mission.

Meanwhile inside the World Tree, Asuna stumbles upon the lab where Sugou's scientists are experimenting on the captive minds of former ''SAO'' players. Two of said scientists, Shoji and Kyle, are busy squabbling over whose fault it is that they're stuck in slug monster avatars, and don’t notice Asuna as she makes a break for a nearby admin console.

Knowing that there's no time to waste, Kirito hurries on to try and assault the World Tree through its gateway, leaving Leafa behind when she objects that it's a futile effort. After pressing '''"O"''' to proclaim his glory before the threshold guardians, he enters a huge chamber filled with robotic fairy soldiers. While he's able to cut through the ones that meet him in melee, Kirito is overwhelmed by the ranged firepower of the endlessly-spawning foes. He dies, stuck with a ten-minute respawn timer.

Just as he's sinking into depression, Leafa bursts onto the scene, braving the fairy soldiers' fire as she recovers Kirito's "spirit" and takes it outside to revive him. Kirito sincerely thanks her, but then prepares to make another attempt - yes, his first try failed, but he's confident that if he and Leafa work together, they'll be able to succeed. While Leafa is touched, she insists that the chamber just keeps spawning enemies until the players are overwhelmed, and resorts to embracing and begging Kirito not to try it again.

At their cabin on Floor 22, Kirito sighs with contentment that his showdown with Heathcliff "was all just a terrible dream. After all, ''SAO'' is where we ''really'' belong." Asuna agrees, and mentions how wonderful it is that all the dead players are "actually alive for some reason," and that their next-door neighbor doesn't do anything inappropriate with fish. Though Asuna does have to ask, "Is the sky bleeding?"

At the hospital, Kazuto finds Asuna still in a [=NerveGear=]-induced coma, and that her father is paying a visit at the same time.

A sharp-dressed, bespectacled man - whom Shouzou misnames as "Versace," after the label on the briefcase of money the guy gave him - enters the hospital room, and after Shouzou impulsively hurries off to speak with his "Ferrari guy," the newcomer circles around the bed to lean over the sleeping Asuna.

Kazuto is horrified, but vows that he won't accept this, and that Sugou will soon "reap the ''fucking'' whirlwind that is the unbridled fury of the ''Hero of Aincrad!"'' ...and then goes home to write an angry tweet about the situation.

But before he falls completely into despair, Kazuto is shocked to receive an email containing images of what looks like Asuna in some sort of cage... as well as confused that she looks like a fairy.

At the Dicey Cafe, Kazuto steps in, ranting about Tiffany's lousy directions and all his "SEETHING IMPOTENT RAGE!"

To distract his friend, Tiffany slides Kazuto the box for ''Alfheim Online'', and over a freshly-boiled cup of 9-Up, explains that it's a VRMMO "that teaches little kids to share and... murder each other, I dunno." Despite being allegedly intended for younger players, the game exploded in popularity when older gamers discovered its flight mechanics. One of these gamers spotted Asuna sitting in a birdcage in an inaccessible area and snapped a screenshot - she's being imprisoned in that virtual reality.

Kazuto's departure is interrupted by him vomiting up his questionable drink, but he soon returns home to find Suguha loitering on the back porch, eating a snack. When she tries to insult him with her mouth full and starts choking, Kazuto considers letting her die, but passes her a life-saving juicebox almost before he realizes it. She shows no gratitude, but Kazuto is able to shrug off her next round of insults, and eagerly dons his [=NerveGear=] to enter Alfheim. Unfortunately, he gets bogged down in character creation after finding that nearly every permutation of his preferred handle has already been claimed. But eventually, as [=xvx_K1r1t0_xvx_KillMe=], he finally starts the game as a Spriggan.

To Kirito's relief, Yui's item form is still safe, and a teary reunion ensues... up until the point Yui asks if he liked her "joke."

Yui explains that she was never in real danger of deletion, she was instead attempting to "humanize myself through clever witticisms" after revealing her true nature as an artificial intelligence to Kirito and Asuna. Which, unfortunately meant that Kirito's well-meaning, "if woefully incompetent," rescue attempt left her trapped in his inventory for months, fully conscious but unable to escape or speak with him. Which quite ruined her joke.

Yui immediately takes action, and scans the server to detect Asuna's player ID in a location controlled by the game's admin, prompting Yui to give herself the additional objective of "[-KILL GAME ADMIN BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY-]." She then transforms into a pixie for ease of travel, and activates Kirito's wings, launching him with a scream.

Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, a Sylph named Leafa has been cornered by three perverted Salamanders, who want her to start stripping down while they flick mayonnaise on her. Her attempts to beg for mercy are undermined by the fighting stance she assumes, until the lead Salamander [[TheRoleplayer calls a character break]] to lecture Leafa on her performance.

After watching his two comrades get cut down in seconds by the interloping Spriggan, General [=PantySmasher=] challenges Kirito to aerial combat, only to realize his foe doesn't know how to fly. A thrown sword encourages [=PantySmasher=] to retreat, but he vows that "the Salamanders cannot be stopped. And we shall not rest until we have. Dat. ''Booty."'' Though that leads him to ask himself whether such a statement is in-character before he leaves in a huff.

After Leafa uses a healing incantation straight out of a ''Dick and Jane'' book to heal Kirito's damage from crashing, they're met by her friend Recon. He's quick to set aside the factional hostility and declare that "any friend of the princess is a friend of mine," though his attempt to introduce himself is interrupted by his faulty, secondhand [=NerveGear=] pulsing the fear center of his brain, leading Recon to spend a moment screaming about a tentacle monster teaching a classroom until Leafa calms him down.

As Leafa explains, the original RP group found ''Alfheim'' nearly abandoned by its target demographic in the wake of the ''SAO'' disaster, and used it as a setting for their own story: a "race war." The fairy factions are competing to be the first to reach the top of the World Tree and receive a boon from King Oberon.

Yes, by using the same technology behind the likes of Keita's Hat of Charisma +50, and some test subjects kidnapped during the shut-down of ''SAO'', Oberon and his scientists hope to perfect the [=NerveGear=]'s mind-bending potential to let him "hold the world in the palm of my hand," and end Asuna's "rebellious streak" before their wedding at the end of the week.

At the end of the school day, Suguha is confronted by a classmate who calls her "Leafa," leading her to lecture this Nagata that he isn't to mention that game in public. Recon's player explains that when Leafa skipped her engagement party last night, Prince Cazmer was so displeased he "used the vice" on Recon. Suguha could care less about Nagata's difficulties or the story the hardcore [=RPers=] are cooking up, and is ready to head on to kendo practice, leading Nagata to ask if the famous "Hero of Aincrad" will be there too - he's astonished when Suguha explains that "spineless quitter" hasn't practiced for years.

Yes, Kirito is incredulous to learn that ''Alfheim Online'' has a place where people log in to pretend to run an airport - or as Leafa insists, a "fairport" - complete with customs and pretzel vendors. But while there, Leafa is accosted by an irate Prince Cazmer, who lambasts her for embarrassing both him and their queen, as well as "galivanting with this detestable Spriggan trash!" Leafa bluntly states she's not interested in the marriage storyline, even if it would end a civil war, and when Cazmer presses the issue, Kirito intervenes to tell him to back off.

Leafa has a moment of panic, as she imagines Recon bonding with Kirito, learning each other's real-life identity, and Nagata telling her brother about "the handy I gave him," or worse, the time she baked him cupcakes! So she sends Recon off on a [[SnipeHunt "super special mission"]] to keep tabs on Prince Cazmer, who she declares has been acting "real sus lately." Recon eagerly agrees, but before he leaves, asks Kirito to look after his princess, who tends to "get herself into trouble, like, constantly." Kirito cheerfully states that he won't let Leafa out of his sight, because he doesn't trust her at all.

As Kirito and Leafa fly off, he teases her about her treatment of her "boyfriend," which Leafa denies. Kirito only laughs, while Yui states that both Leafa and Yui's heartrates increase by 22% when they're near each other - when Leafa counters that maybe she's scared of Recon's "big knife," both Kirito and Yui laugh even harder.

Oberon shrugs off Asuna's antics, since his mind-control research is nearing completion, with "housewife protocols" that are "somewhere between ''Series/LeaveItToBeaver'' and hardcore porn!" When that fails to intimidate her, Oberon finally gets a reaction by mentioning that he detected Asuna's "boy toy" logging in the previous night. While the system's administrator could simply ban Kirito, Oberon decides it'd be more fun to let him struggle his way to Asuna's prison only to find it impregnable, giving Oberon the "satisfaction of seeing that glimmer of hope ''die'' in his eyes!"

...Kirito takes a snack break, leaving his avatar slumped on the ground. This gives Leafa a chance to search his body for evidence that he's only in ''ALO'' to mess with her, but she's interrupted by Yui emerging from Kirito's pocket. The AI girl addresses Leafa as Suguha Kirigaya, clueing her in that she's no mere pet item... though Leafa can only conceptualize Yui as "one of the those robots that can talk and think and junk," prompting Yui to adjust her interaction parameters.

Leafa whirls around, spots the bat from the end of the previous episode, and blasts this "Squeaker" while it cries out for its master. As she and Kirito flee, Leafa explains that the Salamanders like to max out their pets' affinity levels so they'll be willing to go on suicide missions... cut to the dying Squeaker being cradled by a tearful Salamander mage, who screams in anguish when his beloved pet shatters.

Back in the game, a frantic Leafa and still-confused Kirito flee the now-burning Kandy Kane Kapital, trying to race the Salamanders to the Sylph-Cait Sith treaty site. Unfortunately, they're too late, and the Salamander army is now looming over the rival faction leaders and their handful of guards.

Kirito makes the suggestion, if the gathering is a peace conference, that they simply try to make peace with the Salamanders, though he immediately has regrets when Leafa reminds him they're on an RP server.

After disengaging for a moment to swipe Leafa's word, Kirito turns the fight around by breaking into his signature DualWielding, ranting as he handily defeats the Salamander.

Afterward, Kirito explains his quest to rescue his beloved from Oberon's clutches atop the World Tree, but Sakuya and Princess Hime are unenthused. Neither the Sylph nor Cait Sith armies are large enough to succeed in such an assault, and they see no reason to work together if only one fairy race can receive the wish for winning the Race War... though neither leader is sure whether that's a part of the game or something they came up with while [=RPing=]. At any rate, they wish Kirito luck on his "suicide mission" and leave him empty-handed.

Asuna is able to reach the interface, and after briefly getting distracted by something on it, she attempts to log out, only to mistakenly call up Tech Support, allowing the slug scientists to creep up on and grab her. She is predictably furious, while they are terrified at being so close to the cannibalistic harridan. Kyle ditches Shoji to get reinforcements, leaving him alone with his nemesis, who smiles evilly and greets him by name, bringing him to tears. Shoji tries to be defiant and challenges Asuna to do her worst, but instead of threatening him, she brings up Biscuit.

In the real world, Kazuto and Suguha visit Asuna's comatose body, and Suguha falters mid-mockery when she notices how much Kazuto cares about Asuna, leading her to have a moment of self-loathing. This carries over when they both log into ''Alfheim Online'' to resume their mission, and she has a teary breakdown.

[[folder: Episode 16]]

[[folder: Episode 17]]

The journey begins in April. Dapper notices it be a somewhat odd choice for a supposed Christmas story, but he reasons that the story is probably a "slow burn".

The episode begins by a Christmas fireplace with a posh and sophisticated man playing Super Mario on the DS with a butler nearby. He greets the audience, introducing himself as Sir Jack Dapper, who will be reading the Sword Art Online Christmas, with bourbon of course.

The journey begins in April.

-->'''Dapper''': If that sounds like a copout. Congrats. You get a cookie.

A soldier wonders if Fluffles is back, but Heathcliff tells him, no after rounds of torture, gladiatorial combat, and Pictionary oddly enough, he was able to negotiate-

Tiff ignores Asuna's question to inspect the weapon, pretending Kirito asked. When she makes a comment "Ya got cotton in your ear?" She realizes how offensive she sounds, but continues until she calls him an AngryBlackMan. Tiff does a quick inspecting, explaining it's a player made sword called Guilty Thorn, created by a player named Grimlock, and that it's a normal sword. Kirito decides to test it on himself. But Asuna stops him.

'''Asuna''': Goddamn ''Music/{{Foreigner}}''.\\

He then summons hand mirrors and transforms their avatars to make them look like their real-life selves. Kirito is younger, and [=BallsDeep69=] (whose name is actually Klein, not that Kirito cares) has shorter hair. A pair of players is surprised to realize that one of them isn't a girl and the other isn't seventeen, but on second thought, they're both okay with it.

He then tells the players that if they 'die' in the game, they're dead for real. It takes him a few tries to get this across because the players don't get it, with one (credited [[FunWithSubtitles in the Youtube subtitles]] as 'Al, from ''Reboot''') yelling out "WHAT?" after every explanation he tries, but the headsplosion clip from ''Scanners'' gets his point across.

He then vanishes, with one least thing to say- he disabled the profanity filter. After a long shocked silence-

'''Heathcliff''': [[WhamLine OH, SO NOW YOU'VE SEEN TRON?!]]\\

'''Kayaba''': (Breaks out laughing) [[TakeThat Oh my god, NO! Could you imagine? Two years and that's what I give you? MAN, that'd be unsatisfying.]] Uh, but no, I did this because of Metacritic.\\
'''Kirito''': Like...The website?!\\

'''Kayaba''': [[WhamLine UNFORTUNATELY, in your sleep-deprived state, you ACCIDENTALLY manage to create a glitch that kills players when their AVATAR DIES!]]\\

'''Asuna''': Wait, did you say "Accidentally?!"\\
'''Kayaba''': [[ContinuityNod Next thing you know, your tutorial NPC is nowhere to be found]] and players are dropping like Dorito-encrusted flies. Now in this case, any SANE man would simply turn off the servers before anyone else got hurt, but because you've now been awake long enough to think the government is run by "Floobar, King of the Mole Men," the best idea that comes to your mind is to double, triple, and quadruple down. So, you lock everyone in the game, tell them they'll die if they don't finish it, and try to make it look like this is all part of your "Master Plan" instead of an ever-spiralling series of events that you have LONG since lost control of.\\
'''Kirito''': [[InsaneTrollLogic So...You thought that critics would be harsher on a game that killed a few players by ACCIDENT than one that killed THOUSANDS on purpose?]]\\
'''Kayaba''': That was my thought process, yes.\\
'''Asuna''': What the fuck is wrong with you?!\\
'''Kayaba''': Hey, cut me some slack, okay? Can you two even begin to imagine 500 uninterrupted hours of consciousness? Forget mole people! About halfway through I swore I saw the face of GOD! Until I realized it was just the night janitor, Reki. On the plus side, I gave him a hell of an ego boost. Hmm, man was riding that compliment for DAYS.\\

'''Kayaba''': You honestly think I didn't try that? The publisher wasn't having it. "The game's already been delayed twice," they said. "It's a big open world! No one's gonna notice a few GLITCHES." [[TakeThat Fuckin' Bethesda.]]\\

'''Kayaba''': You remember that first month where 2000 of you died without even clearing the first floor?

The two realize this made a lot of sense, and Kayaba adds that by then it was too late to apologize and that the least he could do was help get them out of the mess he made. Despite the outburst earlier, he never wanted to kill anyone.

-->'''Kirito''': uh, you just killed a guy, like, two minutes ago for mildly sassing you!\\
'''Asuna''': Also, you know...us.\\

'''Kayaba''': Yeah, okay. See, Asuna, the problem with that...Is that it's an EXCELLENT idea that I wish I had thought of two years ago. Anywho, on that sobering note, I think I'm going to go scream into that uncaring void for a bit. I can't say it's been nice knowing you two, but...If nothing else, you guys are like the dictionary definition of "LesserOfTwoEvils." You two have fun while you still can.

Kirito finds himself underwhelmed, he thought this whole time he was fighting against some machiavellian schemer, but the truth was "He was just as big a fuck-up as [the rest of us." Asuna adds that naps should be considered an underrated yet important step in the "Not killing people" process. Kayaba tries one more time to see if Kirito knows ''Film/TheDungeonMaster'' under a different name, but Kirito tells him again he's never heard of it, and disappears with a resounding "PEACE!" as the last bit of Castle Aincrad falls apart.

Kirito wakes up in a hospital bed, emancipated and with a nervgear on his head. Realizing he's finally awake, he struggles to find Asuna, until the catheter rips at his dick.

''([[RealityEnsues He falls through a window before the chase even begins, and is mauled by a dog.]])'' '''Kirito''': Oh come on!

Kirito thinks to himself that Heathcliff is a powerful player, so he decides to strategize. [[RealityEnsues He's instantly knocked to the ground as he's so busy thinking.]] The entire arena breaks out into anarchy since the fight was only 4 seconds long.

Kirito takes up Asuna's sword along with his intact sword, [[RealityEnsues but is so emotionally exhausted he barely puts up a fight.]] A disappointed Kayaba knocks the intact sword away effortlessly.

Kirito wakes up in a hospital bed, emancipated and with a nervgear on his head. Realizing he's finally awake, he struggles to find Asuna, [[RealityEnsues until the catheter rips at his dick.]]

'''[[NotSoDifferent Asuna's LB]]''': Bitch, why the fuck did you say yes?!\\

'''Rosalia''': [[FamousLastWords Enjoy this while you can. It's the deepest you'll ever be in a woman.]]\\

-->'''Corvatz''': [[FamousLastWords Do not fear my friends, for Corvatz can never die...]]

'''Kirito''': "What's wrong, McFly? Chicken?"\\

At a tavern, Kirito is approached by a toasting guild, where the leader, a man speaking like a salesman, explains that he was rifling through Kirito's (Private) character page and decided he should join his guild, which Kirito declines. However, the leader puts on a hat that increases his charisma, and Kirito finds himself signing a membership to the Moonlit Black Cats, where he's introduced to three NPCs that he kept from side-quests he never finished (One of which is the tutorial NPC), and Sachi, a meek girl who has a NERV gear that gives to her bad internet connection which causes her to short out in black and white pixels (Which can spread to anyone she touches).

One night, Kirito gets a call from the leader, Keita, who wants him to find Sachi, which he can't look for because the NPCs have blocked him in his room. Kirito is about to hang up, but Keita is wearing his charisma hat and forces him to go looking.

In the dungeon, Sachi realizes they have no idea what they're looking for. And one of the NPCs opens a box Kirito points out is a trap.

The room is swarmed by various monsters, slaughternots and murdergolems. They quickly kill the NPCs, except for Gary, who teleports away. Sachi lags for a few seconds, and then gets slashed, where the lag makes her last words go from, "Kirito, this isn't your fault," to "Your fault."

%%!Season 2: Fairy Dance Arc [[folder: Episode 12]][[/folder]] [[folder: Episode 13]][[/folder]] [[folder: Episode 14]][[/folder]] [[folder: Episode 15]][[/folder]]

-->'''Announcer''': [[''VideoGame/MortalKombat'' Flawless Victory. Metallurgy!]]

'''Kirito''': NO! Well, I mean that's disheartening, but that's not what I was gonna ask!

Kirito finds himself underwhelmed, he thought this whole time he was fighting against some machiavellian schemer, but the truth was "He was just as big a fuck-up as [the rest of us." Asuna adds that naps should be considered an underrated yet important step in the "Not killing people" process. Kayaba tries one more [[Film/TheDungeonMaster]] quote that Kirito doesn't get, and disappears with a resounding "PEACE!" as the last bit of Castle Aincrad falls apart.