"Dear Enemy, I curse you, and hope that something slightly unpleasant happens to you, like... an onion falling on your head."
Moving on to relics, we've got shrouds from Turin, wine from the wedding at Cana, splinters from the Cross, err, and of course there's stuff made by Jesus in his days in the carpentry shop — pipe racks, coffee tables, coatstands, bookends, crucifixes, a nice cheeseboard, fruit bowls, waterproof sandals ... oh, I haven't finished that one yet.
When the Archbishop of Canterbury dies, Edmund speculates that his (much more liked) brother, Harry, will be the next Archbishop. Due to the fact that Archbishops of Canterbury have an unfortunate tendency to end up getting very tragically and accidentally brutally murdered, such an appointment would almost certainly eliminate Harry from Edmund's path to the throne.
Unfortunately for Edmund, King Richard does not want a pious person like Harry to be Archbishop; in order to maximize his control over the nation, he wants a toady whom he can bend to his will ... and so chooses Edmund.
Not long after his consecration, Archbishop Edmund the Unwilling is forced to give the last rites to a rich dying lord who wishes to atone for his many sins by leaving his lands to the Church. Edmund, though, is able to convince him that he would be better off in Hell, as a man as sinful as he is would find Heaven rather boring. The lord decides that he would indeed rather go to Hell, declares that he will leave his lands to the King, and promptly dies. Having successfully done the King's bidding, Edmund has finally earned the respect of his father.
Alas, due to a misunderstanding, two drunken knights who've just got back from the Crusades believe that the King had ordered Edmund's death, and so attempt to kill him. The resulting chase leads Edmund, Percy, Baldrick and the knights to a nunnery, where they don habits as a disguise and fight before being discovered by the Mother Superior. Edmund lies about the situation so that he may be excommunicated, no longer to be the Archbishop.
Tropes
- Accidental Murder: They're chalking the latest Archbishop's death like this. Sir Travis Mortimer, the tall handsome fellow with no ears who some say is the King's hired killer, was rushing forwards the Archbishop in the hopes of being blessed. Unfortunately, Mortimer was wearing a Turkish helmet — which happens to have a two-foot-long spike on top — and killed the Archbishop instantly upon collision. If you're wondering how this was an accident at this point, Mortimer had simply forgotten which helmet he was wearing and assumed he was wearing a regular, unspiked one.
- Artistic License – Traditional Christianity: Actually subverted with Edmund being made Archbishop of Canterbury — the most senior churchman in England — despite his total lack of experience in the priesthood, as such things did happen in real life, albeit rarely; Thomas Becket, for example, was only ordained as a priest the day before his consecration as Archbishop.
- After Edmund becomes the Archbishop of Canterbury, Percy gets made Bishop of Ramsgate. Since Ramsgate is (like Canterbury) in Kent, the implication is that he's a suffragan (junior) bishop in Edmund's diocese. In actual fact, the suffragan bishop for the Diocese of Canterbury (who actually performs a lot of diocesean duties as the Archbishop has plenty of national and international duties that keep him away from the diocese) is the Bishop of Dover. That said, suffragan bishops did not become a thing in England until after the Reformation.
- Asshole Victim: The Archbishop at the beginning, who is revealed after his death to have been a Pedophile Priest (see below).
- Cloudcuckoolander: The Queen, who assumes that talk of Edmund's "flock" means that he has actual sheep. Even King Richard seems confused by that one.
- Bait-and-Switch: Percy angrily calls out Baldrick for selling false relics (see the title quote above) while claiming to have a true relic in the form of one of Jesus's fingerbones, which he has spent a fortune on. Percy smugly takes note of Baldrick's astounded expression, to which Baldrick notes he is amazed because he "thought they only came in boxes of ten", promptly revealing that said fingerbone was part of another set of false relics he's been peddling, causing Percy to storm off furious at the fact he's been swindled.
- Brick Joke. When Edmund thinks that Harry's going to become the next Archbishop of Canterbury, he smugly remarks that "we all know what happens to Archbishops", only for Percy to miss the point and say that "they go to Canterbury". A few scenes later, Edmund is trying to flee the country after becoming the new Archbishop, only for the King to stop him and ask him where he’s going — to which he meekly replies: "Canterbury".
- The Coroner Doth Protest Too Much: Some of those Archbishops' deaths are just utter mysteries, like the tragic impalement of the previous incumbent due to a soldier with a spiked helmet thoughtlessly rushing towards him with his head bowed for a blessing. Or that other one, who got killed by a falling gargoyle while swimming. Or the one before him who somehow slipped and fell ... onto Norwich Cathedral's highest spire.
- Deathbed Confession: In the first scene, the Archbishop and the King attend on the dying Duke of Winchester in the hope of getting his lands. After confessing his sins to them and being told by the Archbishop of what awaits him in Hell if he does not leave his lands to the church, he leaves his lands to the church and then dies. Later, this scene is repeated with the dying Lord Graveney, who has many sins to confess. This time, though, Edmund is the Archbishop — and rather than absolve Graveney of his sins, he convinces him that he would prefer to go to Hell. Graveney therefore leaves his lands to the King before dying.
- The Ditz: Prince Harry can't figure out what's causing the mysterious deaths of the Archbishops, and when his brother becomes the latest one he consults him on topics such as "what if my hand offends me and I have to cut it off, but then have to cut off my other hand as well". It's implied King Richard didn't give him the position of Archbishop of Canterbury specifically because Harry would've been too dumb (and too pious) to actually control.
- Even Evil Has Standards: Even the debauched, warmongering, homicidal King Richard IV is disgusted by Lord Graveney's deathbed confession that he had sex many, many times with his mother.
- Felony Misdemeanor: Baldrick shows off a range of priced curses signed by ecclesiastical figures, the cheapest of which reads "Dear Enemy, I curse you, and I hope something slightly unpleasant happens to you, like an onion falling on your head".
- Gag Penis: Edmund asks Baldrick and Percy to bring him his "Black Russian" codpiece to wear to a ceremony where he thinks Harry will be announced as the next Archbishop of Canterbury, as "it always terrifies the clergy". Edmund shows up with his large, erect codpiece, only to find that he is the new Archbishop. Embarrassed, he steals one of the bishop's mitres to try and cover it. The gag is made better by his mother querying why he's wearing "that nonsense" and flicking it, which produces a delightful sproiiiing noise.
- Hell of a Time: Edmund convinces the dying Lord Graveney that Hell is like this.
- Hell Seeker: Being a totally depraved lifelong sinner, Lord Graveney really likes the idea of going to Hell after hearing Edmund's description of it.
- High Turnover Rate: The position of Archbishop of Canterbury itself, due to the King having them murdered when they displease him.
- Historical In-Joke: At one point Baldrick mentions a high-level exemption of sin paper that's signed by "both Popes", a gag seemingly taken up to eleven at the end when the Mother Superior mentions that Archbishop Edmund's excommunication document has been signed by "all three Popes". During the Western Schism, which lasted from 1378 to 1417, there really were two Popes (one in Rome, the other in Avignon); towards the end of it, a third Pope was elected so at one point in history, there were indeed three Popes at the same time! Since this episode is explicitly set in 1487 (by which time there was only one Pope), this also counts as Artistic Licence – History, but only by a few decades.
- Incest Is Relative: The dying Lord Graveney confesses that he had sex with his mother a lot.
- Locked Away in a Monastery: Although in this case, Edmund is made head of it.
- Make It Look Like an Accident: The fate of at least three successive Archbishops of Canterbury, though Harry is the only person dumb enough to actually believe that they were really accidents.
- The Magnificent: Edmund is known with the less than imposing title of Archbishop Edmund the Unwilling.
- Naughty Nuns: When he becomes Archbishop of Canterbury, Edmund is surprised to learn from Baldrick that the money-making opportunities that come with being Archbishop include selling the sexual favours of nuns. When he questions who would pay for such a thing, Baldrick casually explains that most of their clientele consists of "foreign businessmen" and "
other nuns". Later on, Edmund, Baldrick, Percy and the two knights dress up as nuns and fight each other in the convent. - Nun Too Holy: Edmund, Baldrick and Percy all become church officials ... though needless to say their behaviour doesn't change. After getting used to the idea of being Archbishop, Edmund gets Baldrick to look into how he can make money out of it. Baldrick, it seems, has already figured this out as he has made several "relics" to sell to gullible fools. Like Percy.
- O.O.C. Is Serious Business: Richard actually lowers his voice and speaks to Edmund at a normal volume when threatening him. It's far scarier than his shouting.
- Out-of-Character Moment: Edmund tries to avoid taking his latest job. Richard IV, whose usual target volume is "drown out nearby jet engines", very calmly and quietly tells Edmund that if he tries to weasel out of this, "I will do to you what God did to the sodomites". Even though Edmund isn't entirely sure what God did to the Sodomites, it's much more effective.
- Out-of-Context Eavesdropping: A couple of knights returning from a crusade overhear the King talking to his wife saying how satisfied he is with the current Archbishop, and won't ever again have to say ask who will rid him of "this Turbulent Priest" like his ancestor Henry II did. Unfortunately, the knights are drunk, and they only hear that last part ... and promptly go off to slay the Archbishop to get into the King's good graces.
- Pedophile Priest: The Archbishop at the beginning of the episode, as Harry mentions that he had a catamite (ie. a young male Sex Slave).
- Pet the Dog: King Richard IV actually commends Edmund's actions ... admittedly, for tricking a man into believing that he'll go to Hell and so swindling him out of his land, but the Church was trying to do the same thing anyhow.
- Poke the Poodle: The cheapest example of a curse sold by the Church is "Dear enemy, I curse you, and I hope that something slightly unpleasant happens to you, like an onion falling on your head".
- Poor Communication Kills: The two crusaders hear King Richard quoting someone, and believe it to be a demand for Edmund's death.
- Reassignment Backfire: Actually averted; Edmund's appointment as Archbishop of Canterbury has the exact result that Richard IV was looking for, namely that he'd be a puppet Archbishop who'd be too terrified of being killed to ever cross him. Presumably Richard doesn't care about him making a bit of money on the side through selling fake relics and pimping out the nuns. Things only deviate from the plan when two drunken knights misunderstand the King and try to kill Edmund, and the ensuing mayhem gets him excommunicated. Which makes the outcome Richard's own fault, albeit indirectly.
- Rhetorical Request Blunder: Richard IV was telling the story of Henry II ordering the murder of Thomas Becket to his wife to contrast the situation there with how happy he is with the current Archbishop, only for a couple of drunk knights overheard and decided to "help". The two of them sitting at opposite ends of a very long table contributed to the misunderstanding. He initially said "Never again will I have to say 'Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?'", but had to repeat the last bit, which is what the knights heard. Given that he has already had several Archbishops of Canterbury murdered, the knights draw the obvious conclusion.
- Screw This, I'm Out of Here!: Edmund's initial response to his unwanted posting is to try and leg it to France. Unfortunately, King Richard foresaw this eventuality, and heads him off.
- Sinister Minister: Every representative of the clergy seen is ... well, not exactly a good person; the Archbishop at the beginning is shown to be just as greedy as the King before he gets killed, after which it's revealed that he was a Pedophile Priest. Although not sinister, Edmund is very quick to get Baldrick to find out about the money-making opportunities that come with being the Archbishop of Canterbury.
- The Stinger: The Mother Superior laments the corruption of the world, before assuring Sister Sarah that she "won't be needing the unicorn tonight".
- Truth in Television: Priests talking heirless nobles into leaving their lands to the Church instead of letting them revert to the Crown was a major point of conflict between Church and Crown in England before the Reformation.
- Turbulent Priest: Subverted, as Edmund is made Archbishop of Canterbury mainly because the King wants a puppet in charge of the Church as opposed to one of these. Sadly, his reference to the Trope Namer is misinterpreted by the drunk knights as a request to murder Edmund, even though that's the opposite of what the King wants.
- Unusual Euphemism: "So presumably you won't be needing the unicorn tonight?".
