Film
Neville Flynn: I need you to stay up here.
Sean Jones: Why?
Flynn: Because if you die, then all of this was for nothing.
Sean Jones: Why?
Flynn: Because if you die, then all of this was for nothing.
Video Games
"Yet more meaningless endeavors?"
— Magus, Chrono Trigger DS
"Bonwald has his shopping list. Tremble, oh Thedas!"
"If there's one thing we're good at, it's finding weird objects!"
— Serah, Final Fantasy XIII-2
Witch of the Woods: I also need lamb's cress, do you mind? It's a white-petal flower in my garden. Just a handful.
[Beat as Kratos considers]
Kratos: Fine... [walks off, muttering to himself] Lamb's cress... I'm a fucking God of War...
[Beat as Kratos considers]
Kratos: Fine... [walks off, muttering to himself] Lamb's cress... I'm a fucking God of War...
— Outtake
from God of War (PS4)
from God of War (PS4)"I've found myself transported to World of Warcraft."
— Trestkon, The Nameless Mod
"Just once, I'd like to ask someone for help and hear them say 'Sure! Let's go! Right now! No strings attached!'"
— Commander Shepard, Mass Effect 2
"Sir, in exchange for the use of your weapons, I will get you some cola."
[later]
"Cola for guns. I think this is like the reverse of what my school did."
[later]
"Cola for guns. I think this is like the reverse of what my school did."
—Ellis, Left 4 Dead 2
"Either bring me back me missing cogs, or F*** OFF!"
— Carl the Cog, Conker's Bad Fur Day
Buck: Knife? A knife?! It's not just a FUCKIN' KNIFE! IT'S ART! There's more history in this than you and Keith's four arses squeezed together! That's my fuckin' fee, right?
Jason: Where is it?
Buck: This treasure hunter, he knew where it was. But Vaas, he got the wanker's boat, research he was doing on some Chinese treasure, and his crew. But you know what else he got?
Jason: The knife?
Buck: No, not the fuckin' knife! Its location! You want Keith back? Get on the goddamn boat, find out where it's at before somebody else nicks it! Now, on your bike. Fuck off.
Jason: Where is it?
Buck: This treasure hunter, he knew where it was. But Vaas, he got the wanker's boat, research he was doing on some Chinese treasure, and his crew. But you know what else he got?
Jason: The knife?
Buck: No, not the fuckin' knife! Its location! You want Keith back? Get on the goddamn boat, find out where it's at before somebody else nicks it! Now, on your bike. Fuck off.
"Here we go again on another treasure hunt! Find this, give it to him, find that, give it to her. Story of my freakin' life!"
— Anaksha, Anaksha Mini-Adventures 2: A New Threat
Information Lady: I'd be happy to tell you about all the little things our burg has to offer...
SpongeBob: Great! Thanks!
Information Lady: ...if you would be so kind as to get me a snack.
SpongeBob: What am I, a delivery boy? I've been running errands all day!
Information Lady: One Kelp Bar, please. And don't let it get mushy.
SpongeBob: Anyone else want anything?! Please tell me now so I can get it all at once!
SpongeBob: Great! Thanks!
Information Lady: ...if you would be so kind as to get me a snack.
SpongeBob: What am I, a delivery boy? I've been running errands all day!
Information Lady: One Kelp Bar, please. And don't let it get mushy.
SpongeBob: Anyone else want anything?! Please tell me now so I can get it all at once!
Webcomics
"Would you say this "errand" to 'fetch' something might also be considered a...a quest? A quest to fetch something??!"
— Celia, Awful Hospital
Web Animation
"You go to the entrance of Death Mountain. Dude won't let you pass. You go, 'What the fuck, man? I wanna go up there. That's what I want to do.' But no. You gotta wait for the game to tell you why you wanna go up there. You KNOW why you wanna go up there! You wanna fight some dudes, fight a boss, and get a cool weapon! But no, you gotta go talk to Zelda. And then Impa's like, 'Hey, y'know, this is really important, so why don't I give ya this note to give to this guy.' I don't care! Nobody cares! You seriously just made me waste my time, press 'A' a bunch of times just so I could go up there! There's a tiny wall standing between me—I could climb over it. I'm an agile kid! I could climb the shit outta that! I climb vines all the time! NO BIG DEAL."
—Egoraptor on The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Sequelitis
Puzzle design is horrendously uninspired and usually falls back on 'find three objects for a bloke'. On more than one occasion, I found the three objects for a bloke and he immediately sent me off to find another three objects! I'm not the bloody Home Shopping Network!
—Zero Punctuation, "Steam Roundup" while discussing "The Book of Unwritten Tales"
Web Original
Granted, Final Fantasy's story wouldn't exactly lend itself to any other media: "TONIGHT ON HBO PRESENTS FINAL FANTASY! A little red man must deliver the CROWN to Astos so he'll drop the CRYSTAL which he must return to Matoya in exchange for her most potent HERB! Will the potent HERB revive the Elf Prince so he'll give the little red man the MYSTIC KEY to unlock the treasure room containing the TNT? Guest-starring James Gandolfini!"
— Pat R., "Final Fantasy Uber Alles"
More stuff we have to hunt down. Damn.
— Sophia, red
pipes!: I'd really, like, hate to make a sandwich in Zelda land. Have to fight a boar, push a block onto a peg, which, I dunno, unlocks a door, which allows me to get mayonnaise.
Maxwell Adams: You'd have to rescue a monkey just so you can get the bread knife.
Evek: You'd have to make the bread.
pipes!: Through a series of three minigames that are completely unrelated to wheat or flour.
Ferr: Well, you have to get one item and then bring it to somebody, and then they'll give you an item and you bring it to someone and they give you honey-baked ham.
Evek: And you have to unfreeze their oven.
Maxwell Adams: You'd have to rescue a monkey just so you can get the bread knife.
Evek: You'd have to make the bread.
pipes!: Through a series of three minigames that are completely unrelated to wheat or flour.
Ferr: Well, you have to get one item and then bring it to somebody, and then they'll give you an item and you bring it to someone and they give you honey-baked ham.
Evek: And you have to unfreeze their oven.
—The Freelance Astronauts
Web Video
"Okay, you have to break up a wedding for Will Scarlet, whose wife has been kidnapped by this lord. So, you go there and you say, 'Stop this shit, I object,' and he's like, 'Well, do you have any proof I've abducted her?' I'm like, asshole, she's sittin' right there; why don't you ask her if she's being forced to marry this guy against her will? So yeah, you gotta fight your way through the castle, you gotta fight all the guards and get my ass kicked; you gotta find this letter in which he brags to the Sheriff of Nottingham, y'know, he's 'got this fine piece of pussy, ha ha ha ha.' And then you gotta fight this guy, because of course he's not gonna stand for it."
"First you gotta find a library card, then you gotta get back your lost communicator and you zap two guys find a diamond you exchange it with the shop owner for a marked deck of cards, then you find a bone on the sidewalk and a gumball from some guy with a dog, then you find a hair pin, then you find a stick, you gotta put the gumball on the end of the stick, put it in the gutter and fish out some coins, then you talk to a bartender and get Oxmyx's phone number, give him the diamond in exchange in exchange for some plates, you take the plates to the police, use the hairpin and the bone to open up the door, find counterfeit money, use the coins on the phone booth, give the operator the number, go in to talk to Oxymyx about the communicator, he tells you to go to Cracklin's place, he tells you Bonehead Malone has the communicator, you go to the casino, you give Bonehead the money, you give him your marked deck of cards and you get the communicator!!"
— The Angry Video Game Nerd plays Star Trek (NES)
Questgiver: Speaking of eggs, don't forget to find all 800 eggs scattered throughout all the worlds!
Player Character: Is that optional?
Questgiver: Oh yeah, sure, it's optional.
Player Character: Oh, okay.
Questgiver: Yeah, sure, if you don't care about seeing the true ending.
Player Character: Is that optional?
Questgiver: Oh yeah, sure, it's optional.
Player Character: Oh, okay.
Questgiver: Yeah, sure, if you don't care about seeing the true ending.
Maxwell: Get me a beer, it's in the fridge.
Ferr: ...Okay. THERE'S DRAGONS IN HERE!!! AAAAAAAAH!!!
[...]
Maxwell: Did you find beer in there?
Ferr: Uh, no.
Maxwell: Oh. Turns out the beer is at the liquor store, and the quest is now to go to the liquor store and get me some beer.
Ferr: Right, um—
Maxwell: I've heard rumors of a liquor store to the south.
pipes!: Wait-wait-wait-wait, how's he gonna get there? Can he drive your car?
Maxwell: He can fast-travel.
pipes!: That's like driving a car, right? Doesn't he need a key to drive the car to go to the liquor store?
Maxwell: He needs the magical Key of the Kings. It's infused with the power of Heavenly Ó”thera, Goddess of Nightmoons.
Evek: And that key is somewhere to the north.
Ferr: ...Okay. THERE'S DRAGONS IN HERE!!! AAAAAAAAH!!!
[...]
Maxwell: Did you find beer in there?
Ferr: Uh, no.
Maxwell: Oh. Turns out the beer is at the liquor store, and the quest is now to go to the liquor store and get me some beer.
Ferr: Right, um—
Maxwell: I've heard rumors of a liquor store to the south.
pipes!: Wait-wait-wait-wait, how's he gonna get there? Can he drive your car?
Maxwell: He can fast-travel.
pipes!: That's like driving a car, right? Doesn't he need a key to drive the car to go to the liquor store?
Maxwell: He needs the magical Key of the Kings. It's infused with the power of Heavenly Ó”thera, Goddess of Nightmoons.
Evek: And that key is somewhere to the north.
"Remember when we were going through the Egg Corridor and everything had meaning? And now we're collecting puppies. I kinda feel like somewhere, we missed the point. Is the puppy collection necessary? Why can't you keep your eye on your own puppies?"
Real Life
Man, making new content is hard. Making fetchquests is EASY, though!
— Al McMasters, creator of Billy vs. SNAKEMAN
