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Anime & Manga
Ropporu: [rolls piece of paper into cylindrical tube] By connecting the corner of both papers, point A can go through B in no time. That's what a "warp" means. You understand now?
Nobita: I... dunno. If the universe is made of paper, wouldn't it be huge and costly?
[cue Ropporu doing a Face Fault]
Nobita: I... dunno. If the universe is made of paper, wouldn't it be huge and costly?
[cue Ropporu doing a Face Fault]
— Ropporu trying to explain the concept of Fold the Page, Fold the Space to Nobita in Doraemon: The Records of Nobita, Spaceblazer. It... doesn't work.
Tsubomi: The student council president is a girl... My first love... ended in three minutes...!
Erika: Uh, what should I say... Thank goodness that the Fashion Club can continue on!
Tsubomi: THAT'S IT!? If you're my friend, shouldn't you comfort me instead!?
Erika: Uh, what should I say... Thank goodness that the Fashion Club can continue on!
Tsubomi: THAT'S IT!? If you're my friend, shouldn't you comfort me instead!?
Comic Books
Knight: A bigfoot and an alien! They really do exist! And we found them! Do you know what this means?
Daye: That true love is also possible?
Knight: No, you dolt! It means we'll finally be back in good graces down at HQ!
Daye: You mean they'll forget all about the incident?
[Knight gives Daye a Dope Slap]
Daye: That true love is also possible?
Knight: No, you dolt! It means we'll finally be back in good graces down at HQ!
Daye: You mean they'll forget all about the incident?
[Knight gives Daye a Dope Slap]
Patron 1: Is that it? I want a refund!
Patron 2: A refund!? Bob's dead!
Patron 1: Then he should get a refund too!
Patron 2: A refund!? Bob's dead!
Patron 1: Then he should get a refund too!
— Amazing Spider-Man Vol 5 #23 (2019)
Scrooge: Well... Let's just start testing combinations!
Huey: You can't, Unca Scrooge! The number of possible combinations of the nine knights is 9x8x7x6x5x4x3x2x1!
Dewey: That's... 362,880!!
Donald: Your point is... We hafta work late?
Huey: We'd have to work full-time for 20 years!
Huey: You can't, Unca Scrooge! The number of possible combinations of the nine knights is 9x8x7x6x5x4x3x2x1!
Dewey: That's... 362,880!!
Donald: Your point is... We hafta work late?
Huey: We'd have to work full-time for 20 years!
— The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck, "A Letter from Home"
Emma Frost: Three students were missing from my ethics class. Seventeen overall. Logan had to break up two fistfights and a mystical swordfight. And that dreadful Guatemalan crab-boy is at Benetech telling reporters this is every mutant's only chance to avoid burning in everlasting hellfire. This is eating us from the inside out.
Kitty Pryde: Oh my God ... you teach ethics?
Kitty Pryde: Oh my God ... you teach ethics?
Supergirl: Okay, let's review. You, Brainiac 5, while experimenting on a supposedly "magical" statue, bombarded it with timestream energy, thereby summoning an alien death goddess.
Brainiac 5: Mm.
Supergirl: Then, when she shows up and starts possessing our friends, your first inclination is not to stay and fight, but run away into the timestream. Which pretty much ensures that she enslaves the entire Earth.
Brainiac 5: Oh, I doubt the entire Earth's been enslaved by this point, Supergirl. I mean, she's only had a few days.
Brainiac 5: Mm.
Supergirl: Then, when she shows up and starts possessing our friends, your first inclination is not to stay and fight, but run away into the timestream. Which pretty much ensures that she enslaves the entire Earth.
Brainiac 5: Oh, I doubt the entire Earth's been enslaved by this point, Supergirl. I mean, she's only had a few days.
Dastardly Dalton: Dinky, you shouldn't just sit there eating hot dogs with mustard, mayonnaise and raspberry jelly!
Dinky Dalton: You're right! Next batch, leave off the mustard!
Dinky Dalton: You're right! Next batch, leave off the mustard!
Comic Strips
Calvin: Bird... I've got it! Yellow Bellied Sapsucker.
Hobbes: But there are only five boxes.
Calvin: I know. These idiots make you write real small.
Hobbes: But there are only five boxes.
Calvin: I know. These idiots make you write real small.
Jason: Talk about raising the bar for cinema.
Paige: Super raising it.
Jason: I'm not talking about Orlando Bloom's close-ups, by the way.
Paige: Don't tell me you liked that filler stuff about a ring.
Paige: Super raising it.
Jason: I'm not talking about Orlando Bloom's close-ups, by the way.
Paige: Don't tell me you liked that filler stuff about a ring.
— FoxTrot, 2003-12-18
Fan Works
Shiro: Renji and Rukia are hiding something from us. I heard 'em talking about it on the way back, when you were busy sulking.
Ichigo: I don't sulk.
Shiro: That's what you focus on, King? Really?
Ichigo: I don't sulk.
Shiro: That's what you focus on, King? Really?
"I meant the *story's* Lana, not you!"
— Lincoln Loud, after he told a story
's depiction of Lana to dig in the trash, and the real Lana left, Peeking Through the Fourth Wall, Episode 31
's depiction of Lana to dig in the trash, and the real Lana left, Peeking Through the Fourth Wall, Episode 31Lynn Loud Sr.: (trying to give his son Lincoln The Talk) "Imagine you were a bee and Ronnie Anne was a flower. Now the bee carefully approaches the flower, because it wants its nectar, and—"
Lincoln Loud: "What kind of flower?"
Lynn Sr.: "Huh?"
Lincoln: "What kind of flower is Ronnie Anne?"
Lynn Sr.: "Well, um... I don't know. What kind of flower do you think she is?"
Lincoln: "Poison ivy?"
Lynn Sr.: "That's... that won't work, Lincoln."
Lincoln: "Then maybe a rose."
Lynn Sr.: "Aw, how romantic!"
Lincoln: "No, Dad, I mean because of the thorns. Actually, I'd rather see Ronnie Anne as a bee than as a flower."
Lynn Sr.: "What? But Ronnie Anne can't be the bee!"
Lincoln: "Why not?"
Lynn Sr.: "Because? ... Because the bee stings!"
Lincoln: "So does Ronnie Anne."
Film — Animated
Batman: All I've ever wanted to do is kill him. A day doesn't go by that I don't think about subjecting him to every horrendous torture he's dealt out to others, and then... end him.
The Joker: Aw, so you *do* think about me!
The Joker: Aw, so you *do* think about me!
Agent Fleming: This is your last chance! Show us the unit now!
Cornholio: Why does everyone want to see my schlong?
Cornholio: Why does everyone want to see my schlong?
Buzz: This diabolical plot can only be the work of the sworn enemy of the Galactic Alliance: Evil Emperor Zurg!
(Beat)
Warp: What PLOT?! You think Zurg is behind every kitten stuck in a tree!
Buzz: That fiend! Why can't he leave the kitty cats out of his nefarious schemes?
(Beat)
Warp: What PLOT?! You think Zurg is behind every kitten stuck in a tree!
Buzz: That fiend! Why can't he leave the kitty cats out of his nefarious schemes?
[suddenly awakes] "Aaaah! The peasant! At the diner..!" [Beat] "...He didn't pay his check..." [falls back to sleep]
Sid: Hey. Why am I the poop-checker?
Manny: Because returning the runt was your idea. Because you're small and insignificant. And because I'll pummel you if you don't!
Sid: ...Why else?
Manny: NOW, SID!
Manny: Because returning the runt was your idea. Because you're small and insignificant. And because I'll pummel you if you don't!
Sid: ...Why else?
Manny: NOW, SID!
— Ice Age
Shen: The Year of the Peacock begins now!
Wolf Boss: Right now? 'Cause it's the middle of the year... so you'd only get like a half of the Year of the Peacock.
[Shen points a knife at the Wolf Boss' throat with a Death Glare]
Wolf Boss: And this is, of course, the Year of the Peacock, aha... Happy New Year, sir.
Wolf Boss: Right now? 'Cause it's the middle of the year... so you'd only get like a half of the Year of the Peacock.
[Shen points a knife at the Wolf Boss' throat with a Death Glare]
Wolf Boss: And this is, of course, the Year of the Peacock, aha... Happy New Year, sir.
"And Megamind! This one's for Space Step-Mom! You lied to her!"
— Hal Stewart/Tighten, Megamind
Norman: I like to be alone.
Neil: So do I! Let's do it together!
Neil: So do I! Let's do it together!
Cortez: My crew was as carefully chosen as the Disciples of Christ, and I will not tolerate stowaways. You will be flogged. And when we put in to Cuba to resupply, God willing, you will be flogged some more. And then enslaved on the sugar plantations for the rest of your miserable lives. To the brig!
Miguel: Alright! Cuba!
Miguel: Alright! Cuba!
Superman: I haven't told you my identity for the same reason we haven't gone public with our relationship. Why we come here to be alone.
Lois Lane: Well, try reading a gossip column. Practically all of Metropolis thinks we're dating anyway. You're clinging to keep one last part of you separate from us. And the only reason that I can fathom is that for an alien, you've developed a very human... very male fear of commitment. We've been together for six months. It would be nice to start calling you something other than Superman!
Robot: He also goes by Kal-El.
Lois: Shut up!
Lois Lane: Well, try reading a gossip column. Practically all of Metropolis thinks we're dating anyway. You're clinging to keep one last part of you separate from us. And the only reason that I can fathom is that for an alien, you've developed a very human... very male fear of commitment. We've been together for six months. It would be nice to start calling you something other than Superman!
Robot: He also goes by Kal-El.
Lois: Shut up!
Banzai: "Yeah, we'll be prepared... for what?"
Scar: "For the death of the king!"
Banzai: "Why? Is he sick?"
Scar: "No, you fool! We're gonna kill him! And Simba, too!"
Shenzi: (excitedly) "Great idea! Who needs a king?!"
Hyenas: (singing): "No king, no king, la la la la la la!"
Scar: "Idiots! There will be a king!"
Banzai: "But you said..."
Scar: "I will be king!"
Violet Parr: "Mom and Dad's lives could be at stake, or worse... their marriage!"
Dash Parr: "Their marriage?! So, the bad guys are gonna wreck Mom and Dad's marriage?"
Dory: "What were we talking about?"
Nemo: "Mommies and daddies."
Dory: "Mommies and daddies, right. Why are we talking about mommies and daddies? Oh. Oh! That class. Uh-oh! Why me? Okay. You guys seem a little young, but, um... okay. You see, kids, when two fish love each other..."
Shrek: (who's found out his wife is pregnant) "How did this happen?!"
Puss in Boots: "Allow me to explain. You see, when a man has certain feelings for a woman, a powerful urge sweeps over him..."
Shrek: "I know how it happened!"
Emmet: "And what would Lord Business never expect a Master Builder to do?"
Benny: "Build a spaceship?"
Batman: "Kill a chicken?"
Unikitty: "Marry a marshmallow?"
Metal Beard: "This?" (morphs and plays music)
Emmet: "No, it's follow the instructions!"
Film — Live-Action
Vanessa: Did you use protection?
Austin: Sure baby, I used a 9mm automatic!
Vanessa: You know that's not what I meant. Did you use a condom?
Austin: No! Only sailors use condoms!
Vanessa: Not in the '90s, Austin!
Austin: Well they should, those filthy buggers. They go from port to port.
Austin: Sure baby, I used a 9mm automatic!
Vanessa: You know that's not what I meant. Did you use a condom?
Austin: No! Only sailors use condoms!
Vanessa: Not in the '90s, Austin!
Austin: Well they should, those filthy buggers. They go from port to port.
Martin: And I'm wondering, how did it all slip away?
Karen: Well, "it" didn't slip away, Martin. You did, when you went off to fuck Nicky at my birthday party.
Martin: Yeah, that was a good party.
Karen: Well, "it" didn't slip away, Martin. You did, when you went off to fuck Nicky at my birthday party.
Martin: Yeah, that was a good party.
Mr. Furious: ...Lance Hunt is Captain Amazing.
The Shoveller: Don't start that again. Lance Hunt wears glasses. Captain Amazing doesn't wear glasses.
Mr. Furious: He takes them off when he transforms.
The Shoveller: That doesn't make any sense, he wouldn't be able to see.
The Shoveller: Don't start that again. Lance Hunt wears glasses. Captain Amazing doesn't wear glasses.
Mr. Furious: He takes them off when he transforms.
The Shoveller: That doesn't make any sense, he wouldn't be able to see.
Dexter: I don't like you, cain't you get that through your head!?
Ed: LOOK, I'm Grape-Nose-Boy! BLOOPEDDY BLOOPEDDY BLOOPEDDY BLOOPEDDY...
Ed: LOOK, I'm Grape-Nose-Boy! BLOOPEDDY BLOOPEDDY BLOOPEDDY BLOOPEDDY...
"You mean Bethany's... part-black?"
— Jay, Dogma, on the revelation that Bethany's the descendant of Jesus.
Peter Parker: Spider-Man wasn't trying to attack the city, he was trying to save it! That's slander!
J. Jonah Jameson: It is not! I resent that! [Beat] Slander is spoken; in print, it's libel.
J. Jonah Jameson: It is not! I resent that! [Beat] Slander is spoken; in print, it's libel.
Rocket Raccoon: Well, supposedly, these bald bodies find you attractive, so maybe you could work out some sort of trade.
Gamora: You must be joking.
Rocket: No, I really heard they find you attractive.
Gamora: You must be joking.
Rocket: No, I really heard they find you attractive.
Tony Stark: You're from Earth.
Peter Quill: Not from Earth, I'm from Missouri.
Tony Stark: Yeah, that's on Earth, dipshit!
Peter Quill: Not from Earth, I'm from Missouri.
Tony Stark: Yeah, that's on Earth, dipshit!
Brian: Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't NEED to follow ME, You don't NEED to follow ANYBODY! You've got to think for your selves! You're ALL individuals!
The Crowd: Yes! We're all individuals!
Brian: You're all different!
The Crowd: Yes, we ARE all different!
The Crowd: Yes! We're all individuals!
Brian: You're all different!
The Crowd: Yes, we ARE all different!
S.W.A.T Team Man: Freeze! Move out! Drop it!
Civilian: Are you crazy? Do you know how much I paid for this gun?
Civilian: Are you crazy? Do you know how much I paid for this gun?
Maxwell H. Brock: To be uncreative you might as well be in your grave... or in the Army.
Walter Paisley: They tried to draft me once. I couldn't pass the test.
Walter Paisley: They tried to draft me once. I couldn't pass the test.
Peter: Why are your father's ashes in a coffee can?
Ethan: Because he's dead, Peter!
Ethan: Because he's dead, Peter!
— Due Date
Lisa Nolan: You're going to ride a horse while intoxicated?
Ciarán O'Shea: Yeah, so? The horse is sober.
Ciarán O'Shea: Yeah, so? The horse is sober.
— Grabbers
Joe: What are you talking about? You can't marry Osgood.
Jerry: Why, you think he's too old for me? [...] Look, I know there's a problem, Joe.
Joe: I'll say there is.
Jerry: His mother - we need her approval, but I'm not worried because I don't smoke.
Joe: Jerry. There's another problem, like what are you gonna do on your honeymoon?
Jerry: We've been discussing that. He wants to go to the Riviera but I'm kinda leaning toward Niagara Falls.
Jerry: Why, you think he's too old for me? [...] Look, I know there's a problem, Joe.
Joe: I'll say there is.
Jerry: His mother - we need her approval, but I'm not worried because I don't smoke.
Joe: Jerry. There's another problem, like what are you gonna do on your honeymoon?
Jerry: We've been discussing that. He wants to go to the Riviera but I'm kinda leaning toward Niagara Falls.
Cole: You know what? You're Don Draper, from Mad Men. How he's all cool, and handsome, and everybody loves him, and then he goes home and you find out he has a wife this whole time. He's such a piece of shit!
Bee: Did you just ruin Mad Men for me?
Bee: Did you just ruin Mad Men for me?
Viago: You're a cool guy but you're not pulling your weight in the flat.
Deacon: Well, I'm glad to hear that I'm cool.
Deacon: Well, I'm glad to hear that I'm cool.
Veronica Sawyer: All we want is to be treated like human beings, not to be experimented on like guinea pigs or patronized like bunny rabbits.
Mr. Sawyer: I don't patronize bunny rabbits.
Mr. Sawyer: I don't patronize bunny rabbits.
— Heathers
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.
Walter Peck: They caused an explosion!
Mayor: Is this true?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes, it's true. This man has no dick.
Walter Peck: They caused an explosion!
Mayor: Is this true?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes, it's true. This man has no dick.
Connie: AAGH! What's that?!
Sid: S'all right, Con. S'only a donkey.
Connie: I know it's a donkey, what's it doing in my lounge?!
Sid: S'all right, Con. S'only a donkey.
Connie: I know it's a donkey, what's it doing in my lounge?!
Evelyn: I think I'm going to go mad.
Stanley: Well, hang on, please, before you go anywhere, I think I'd better go an' check.
Stanley: Well, hang on, please, before you go anywhere, I think I'd better go an' check.
Professor Vooshka: Must be finding doctors, man is injured.
Ernie: But what man?
Professor Vooshka: Is, is professor of archaeology. Is bleeding terrible.
Fred: Never mind 'is qualifications, is 'e 'urt badly?
Ernie: But what man?
Professor Vooshka: Is, is professor of archaeology. Is bleeding terrible.
Fred: Never mind 'is qualifications, is 'e 'urt badly?
"Staying behind after school? Meeting *before* school!? On *weekends?!* What kind of extracurricular activities *are* these?!"
— Gregory "Greg" Heffley, Diary of a Wimpy Kid
Conrad: "Where do you come from?"
Cat in the Hat: "When a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each other very much..."
Conrad: "No, no, no, where did you come from!?"
Miss Gulch: "What's she done? I'm all but lame from the bite on my leg!"
Zeke: "You mean she bit you?"
Miss Gulch: "No, her dog."
Zeke: "Oh, she bit her dog, huh?"
Miss Gulch: "No!"
Sir Lancelot: You cut a patient, he bleeds, until the processes of nature form a clot and stop it. This interval is known scientifically as the "bleeding time". You! What's the bleeding time?
Simon: Ten past ten, sir.
Wendover: Well, I was bending down in the trenches like a private leading my men over the top, when suddenly - bang - awf goes there's a grenade, an' a lump of shrapnel hits me right up the-
Sir Lancelot: Rectum?
Wendover: Well, it didn't do 'em any good.
Wendover: So, under the circumstances, you'll be wantin' apologise!
Captain Spratt: I apologise to you?!
Wendover: Thank you very much.
Matron: This hospital just isn't big enough for both of us, Dr Kilmore.
Dr Kilmore: Oh, now, come on. You're not all that big, Matron. (Beat) Oh, yes, I see.
Janet: Oh, by the way, did y-
Ian: No, Janet, we're in the middle of the road.
Janet: Oh, well, that doesn't matter. It's a very quiet street.
Mr. Allcock: Pleased to meet you, gents. And sorry if I'm a bit late, but I had another stoppage this morning.
Mr. Boggs: I'm sorry to hear that. You want to try Epsom salts. Marvellous stuff.
Mr. Allcock: (Beat) Work stoppage, I mean.
Matron: This interfering busy-body-
District Nurse: A very pretty little body, I agree.
Henry: Er, ajar.
George: Eh? We're not making a jam?
Henry: The door, you great nit.
Literature
Princess Selenay: I will not take those gowns, or these gowns, or any gowns at all! How many times must I tell you? I'm going to a battlefield, not a fete, a state visit, or a festival!
Maid: But, Highness, you will be surrounded by highborn young men! Your Highness cannot possibly wish to appear the hoyden—"
Maid: But, Highness, you will be surrounded by highborn young men! Your Highness cannot possibly wish to appear the hoyden—"
Harry: Holy shit. Hellhounds.
Michael: Harry. You know I hate it when you swear.
Harry: You're right. Sorry. Holy shit. Heckhounds.
Michael: Harry. You know I hate it when you swear.
Harry: You're right. Sorry. Holy shit. Heckhounds.
Robin: "It would be quicker to post you the punchline than wait for you to get the joke."
George: "That would take too long."
Owl: "It's just the sort of place for an ambush."
Winnie the Pooh: (whispering to Piglet) "What sort of bush? A gorse bush?"
Owl: "My dear Pooh, don't you know what an ambush is?"
Piglet: "Owl, Pooh's whisper was a perfectly private whisper, and there was no need—"
Owl: "An ambush is a sort of surprise."
Winnie the Pooh: "And so is a gorse bush sometimes."
Piglet: "An ambush, as I was about to explain to Pooh, is a sort of surprise."
Owl: "If people jump out at you suddenly, that's an ambush."
Piglet: "It's an ambush, Pooh, when people jump at you suddenly."
Owl: (after Pooh mentions that a gorse bush sprung at him once) "We are not talking about gorse bushes!"
Winnie the Pooh: "I am."
— Winnie the Pooh, "In Which Christopher Robin Leads an Expotition to the North Pole"
Samppa: Sea monsters!
Tuukka: Sea monsters aren't that small.
Samppa: They're their babies. They can gnaw an elephant into a skeleton in half a minute.
Hanna: You're talking about piranhas now.
Samppa: No I'm not. I'm talking about elephants.
Pukari: I'll twist your elephant's trunk into a bow if you keep talking about it!
Tuukka: Besides, piranhas and elephants live in different continents.
Samppa: Who cares. I was talking about sea monsters.
Tiina: They're baby fish.
Pate: I don't understand how baby fish can twist an elephant's trunk into a bow and eat an entire continent.
Live-Action TV
Charles: Now, which is the worst tennis-playing nation in the world?
She: Er ... Australia.
Charles: No. Try again.
She: Australia?
Charles: (testily) No... try again but say a different place.
She: Oh, I thought you meant I'd said it badly.
She: Er ... Australia.
Charles: No. Try again.
She: Australia?
Charles: (testily) No... try again but say a different place.
She: Oh, I thought you meant I'd said it badly.
— Monty Python's Flying Circus, "Science Fiction Sketch"
Geoffrey (the butler): I couldn't possibly [pursue a relationship with a wealthy socialite]. It's a matter of class.
Will: Ain't nobody got more class than you. You wear a tuxedo to clean the toilet!
Will: Ain't nobody got more class than you. You wear a tuxedo to clean the toilet!
Jimmy McGill: Let’s talk proportionally. They’re guilty – oh, agreed. Now you have to decide what’s the right sentence?
Tuco: Like a judge.
Jimmy McGill: Like a judge. Ever heard of the Code of Hammurabi – let the punishment fit the crime, eye for an eye?
Tuco: Eye for an eye. You want me to blind them.note
Tuco: Like a judge.
Jimmy McGill: Like a judge. Ever heard of the Code of Hammurabi – let the punishment fit the crime, eye for an eye?
Tuco: Eye for an eye. You want me to blind them.note
Pearl: Look around you. You're eight miles from your nearest neighbor. You're overrun with skunks, opossums, coyotes, bobcats. You use kerosene lamps for light, you cook on a wood stove summer and winter. You're drinking homemade moonshine, washing with homemade lye soap. And your bathroom is fifty feet from the house and you ask should you move?!
[Beat]
Jed: Yeah, I reckon you're right. Man be a danged fool to leave all this.
[Beat]
Jed: Yeah, I reckon you're right. Man be a danged fool to leave all this.
The Doctor: Ow, ow, itchy, itchy, itchy! [shakes foot wildly, hopping around on one foot, before pulling his shoe off and binning it triumphantly]
Martha: You're completely mad!
The Doctor: You're right. I look daft with one shoe. [pulls other shoe off and drops it in the bin too]
Martha: You're completely mad!
The Doctor: You're right. I look daft with one shoe. [pulls other shoe off and drops it in the bin too]
— Doctor Who, "Smith and Jones"
The Doctor: She was frightened, I was frightened... But we survived, and the relief of it and... so, she kissed me.
Rory: And you kissed her back?
The Doctor: ...no, I kissed her mouth.
Rory: And you kissed her back?
The Doctor: ...no, I kissed her mouth.
Dorien: Oh my God, I've landed on the Old Kent Road. I can't possibly stay there.
Tracey: Why not?
Dorien: Well, it's full of poor people.
Tracey: Why not?
Dorien: Well, it's full of poor people.
Ameglian Major Cow: Good evening madame, and gentlemen, I am the dish of the day. May I interest you in parts of my body?
Arthur Dent: Huh?!
Ford Prefect: [shrugs] Oh, well.
Ameglian Major Cow: Something off my shoulder, perhaps, braised in a little white wine sauce?
Arthur Dent: Your shoulder?
Ameglian Major Cow: Well, naturally mine, sir. Nobody else's is mine to offer!
Arthur Dent: Huh?!
Ford Prefect: [shrugs] Oh, well.
Ameglian Major Cow: Something off my shoulder, perhaps, braised in a little white wine sauce?
Arthur Dent: Your shoulder?
Ameglian Major Cow: Well, naturally mine, sir. Nobody else's is mine to offer!
Big: Do you know your trouble? You go around with your eyes closed, mate.
Small: How can I when they're painted open?
— The Gnomes of Dulwich, "Neighbours"
'Ernie: "Why did my ice cubes run away from home!?"
Bert: "Oh, Ernie, now that's — that— that's silly. Ice cubes can't run away from home."
Ernie: "You're right."
Bert: "Right."
Ernie: "They didn't even have suitcases or bus fare. Something must've happened to them."
Bert: "True."
Ernie: "Bert!"
Bert: "What?"
Ernie: "I think I've suddenly realised what happened?"
Bert: "Well, about time too."
Ernie: "Yes, somebody stole my ice cubes."
Bert: "Oh, brother!"
(later)
Ernie: "Bert, look at this — I've found a clue! Hey, take a look at — take a look at the box here. Look, look in the box."
Bert: "Yeah?"
Ernie: "This box used to contain ice cubes..."
Bert: "Yeah?"
Ernie: "But now it's full of water."
Bert: (impatiently) "So it is! Now do you see what happened?!"
Ernie: "I certainly do!"
Bert: "Well, good!"
Ernie: "Everything is perfectly clear!"
Bert: "At last!"
Ernie: "A fish stole my ice cubes!"
Emma: "What does a double yellow line mean?"
Jessie: You can't pass.
Emma: That's not very nice! I'm doing my best! That's what scares me!
(Beat)
Emma: "What does a red octo-gonal sign mean?"
Jessie: Stop.
Emma: Stop? I just started!
Jessie: You can't pass.
Emma: That's not very nice! I'm doing my best! That's what scares me!
(Beat)
Emma: "What does a red octo-gonal sign mean?"
Jessie: Stop.
Emma: Stop? I just started!
— Jessie, "Driving Miss Crazy"
Pudding: Ah, the days of wine and roses. They are not long.
Samantha: Who said that?
Pudding: I did?
— It's Awfully Bad for Your Eyes, Darling..., "A New Lease"
Music
Shoots him down dead on the floor
Aw, you shouldn't do that
Don't you know you'll stain the carpet
Now don't you know you'll stain the carpet
Aw, you shouldn't do that
Don't you know you'll stain the carpet
Now don't you know you'll stain the carpet
— The Velvet Underground, "Sister Ray"
Newspaper
"For a far more thought-provoking tale about the virtual realm, try The Social Network."
— from a USA Today review of TRON: Legacy
Will Smith was now excited about starring, though, and red-hot Michael Bay wanted to direct. Michael's first words upon meeting me were, "OK, how do we get this thing out of the damn telephone booth?" My Fox executives went into shock. Within days, Michael Bay was out and the Hughes Brothers had been brought aboard to direct.
Philosophy
"When the wise man points at the moon, it is the fool who looks at the finger."
— Confucius
Podcasts
"A continuation on our previous report about a Blinking Light up on the Mountain: As many of you noted, the very nature of our report indicated the existence of a Mountain – which is surprising, given that we live in vast, desert flatness. So yes, there is a Mountain. Let’s start there. There is a Mountain now, rising up out of the alluvial Floodplain.
(later that episode)
Ah-hah! We have some sharp listeners! Several of you noted that the strangeness of today does not end with the Blinking Light up on the Mountain, or the Mountain itself, but also this vast, muddy plain it rises from. So yes: we are now reporting that there is a great Floodplain, strewn with bones, around our city. Its wet patches glint slightly when the Blinking Light is illuminated. [...] The mud ripples under the footsteps of the approaching Masked Army, and this warps the reflections in interesting ways.
(still later that episode)
All right, we’re really gonna get it right this time. We have been focusing too narrowly, and we realize that. As many of you pointed out, we should have spent less time on the blinking light, and more time expanding on the bit about the approaching Masked Army. Ladies and gentlemen, here is what we know: There is a Blinking Light up on the Mountain. There is a Mountain on the Floodplain. There is a Floodplain under the Imminent Army. There is an Imminent Army maybe a couple of hours’ march from here. I do not believe, now, that we are leaving anything out."
(later that episode)
Ah-hah! We have some sharp listeners! Several of you noted that the strangeness of today does not end with the Blinking Light up on the Mountain, or the Mountain itself, but also this vast, muddy plain it rises from. So yes: we are now reporting that there is a great Floodplain, strewn with bones, around our city. Its wet patches glint slightly when the Blinking Light is illuminated. [...] The mud ripples under the footsteps of the approaching Masked Army, and this warps the reflections in interesting ways.
(still later that episode)
All right, we’re really gonna get it right this time. We have been focusing too narrowly, and we realize that. As many of you pointed out, we should have spent less time on the blinking light, and more time expanding on the bit about the approaching Masked Army. Ladies and gentlemen, here is what we know: There is a Blinking Light up on the Mountain. There is a Mountain on the Floodplain. There is a Floodplain under the Imminent Army. There is an Imminent Army maybe a couple of hours’ march from here. I do not believe, now, that we are leaving anything out."
—Cecil Gershwin Palmer, Welcome To Night Vale Ep 31 A Blinking Light Up On The Mountain
Stand-Up Comedy
"It's so disgusting that a woman would leave her baby in a dumpster. Some people eat out of those!"
— Comedian Nikki Glaser
Theater
Ghost: Revenge his most foul and unnatural murder!
Hamlet: Murder!
Horatio: Murder!
Ghost: For the serpent that did sting thy father's life now wears his crown!
Hamlet: My uncle!
Horatio: His uncle!
Ghost: Let not the royal bed of Denmark become a couch for incest!
Hamlet: Incest!
Horatio: A couch!
[Hamlet smacks Horatio]
Hamlet: Murder!
Horatio: Murder!
Ghost: For the serpent that did sting thy father's life now wears his crown!
Hamlet: My uncle!
Horatio: His uncle!
Ghost: Let not the royal bed of Denmark become a couch for incest!
Hamlet: Incest!
Horatio: A couch!
[Hamlet smacks Horatio]
Doctor: (to a woman who's in labour and asked what's wrong with her) "Mrs. Wormwood, you really have no idea?"
Mrs. Wormwood: "Gas?"
Doctor: "Mrs. Wormwood, I want you to think very carefully. What do you think might be the cause of this?" (points at her baby bump)
Mrs. Wormwood: "Am I...? Am I...? Look, am I fat?!"
Doctor: "You're pregnant!"
Mrs. Wormwood: "What?"
Doctor: "You're going to have a baby!"
Mrs. Wormwood: "But I've got a baby! I don't want another one. Is there anything you can do?"
Doctor: "You're nine months pregnant!"
Mrs. Wormwood: "Antibiotics?"
— Matilda
Video Games
"Do not damage the safety equipment. Remove it, in case of danger."
— Female Announcer, Rabbids Go Home
"I DON'T KNOW ANYBODY NAMED GONZALES! STOP SPEAKING IN RIDDLES, YOU CHICKEN NUGGET!"
— Bowser, Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door
Parappa: Wait, wait wait! That doesn't sound like Rock'n Roll!
PJ: Cuz you played it funny. Now it's my turn.
PJ: Cuz you played it funny. Now it's my turn.
— Um Jammer Lammy, specifically PaRappa's story
Deekin: I like gnomes, / So dumb and fat, / Fat and dumb / In burrows like moles / Shoot 'em full of arrows / Put 'em on a stick / That's why I like gnomes.
Grobnar: My word. Just hearing that gives me the shivers.
Qara: I'll bet that could have shattered a castle wall.
Sand: Well, that cleared my sinuses.
Shandra Jerro: How... pleasant. Now Grobnar, I'm sure he didn't m...
Grobnar: I say, this is... genius. The tone, the tempo. You can almost feel the angst and pain of the gnomes as they are filled with arrows... and put on sticks. And the theme of the piece... now, that is tragedy, in its deepest, most primal form. And the climax, the uplifting portion, where the affirmation of liking gnomes is confirmed... And then brought full circle with the physical and emotional double meaning of them being in the mind and in the stomach. Amazing. I say, traveling to Neverwinter with you all has really been broadening my horizons — who would have thought I'd get to meet a kobold author and playwright!
Grobnar: My word. Just hearing that gives me the shivers.
Qara: I'll bet that could have shattered a castle wall.
Sand: Well, that cleared my sinuses.
Shandra Jerro: How... pleasant. Now Grobnar, I'm sure he didn't m...
Grobnar: I say, this is... genius. The tone, the tempo. You can almost feel the angst and pain of the gnomes as they are filled with arrows... and put on sticks. And the theme of the piece... now, that is tragedy, in its deepest, most primal form. And the climax, the uplifting portion, where the affirmation of liking gnomes is confirmed... And then brought full circle with the physical and emotional double meaning of them being in the mind and in the stomach. Amazing. I say, traveling to Neverwinter with you all has really been broadening my horizons — who would have thought I'd get to meet a kobold author and playwright!
Morgana: You have a very, uh, "unique" way of driving, Haru.
Haru: Why, thank you, Mona-chan.
Futaba: She really shouldn't take it as a compliment...
Haru: Why, thank you, Mona-chan.
Futaba: She really shouldn't take it as a compliment...
Simon: "And in the end, the moral is..."
Weasel: "The journey is the reward?"
Skunk: "Don't act like such a big shot?"
Pig: "Always eat a good breakfast?"
Simon: "NO! It's slow and steady wins the race!"
Fubuki Clockford: I know I have made the same mistake in the past, but… Did everyone in the city leave their water running?
Kurumi Wendy: Ahaha, Fubuki, you’re so funny.
Shinigami: I think she was serious.
Kurumi Wendy: Ahaha, Fubuki, you’re so funny.
Shinigami: I think she was serious.
Q: APPLES DO NOT FALL UP
A: They're more like giant cherries.
A: They're more like giant cherries.
Visual Novel
Ryunosuke Naruhodo: But why would a detective be working as a restaurant waiter? Ah! Of course! Your salary must be terrible!
Satoru Hosonaga: I was working undercover.
Satoru Hosonaga: I was working undercover.
— The Great Ace Attorney: Adventures, Case G1-1: "The Adventure of the Great Departure"
Web Animation
Timmy: Hey, Jimmy, what's the answer to #2?
Jimmy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGH!
Timmy: ... Okay... "Blaaaaaa."
Jimmy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGH!
Timmy: ... Okay... "Blaaaaaa."
[the players of AC Milan gather around Zlatan Ibrahimovic's plans to move in to the Champions Mansion]
Zlatan Ibrahimovic: Tonight, Zlatan shall build a room worthy of the greatest team in Italian history.
Daniel Maldini: Juventus?
Ibrahimovic: No.
Gianluigi Donnarumma: Inter!
Ibrahimovic: No!
Rafael Leão: Ohhhhhh! You mean Napoli when Maradona was there!
Ibrahimovic: [Face Palm]
Zlatan Ibrahimovic: Tonight, Zlatan shall build a room worthy of the greatest team in Italian history.
Daniel Maldini: Juventus?
Ibrahimovic: No.
Gianluigi Donnarumma: Inter!
Ibrahimovic: No!
Rafael Leão: Ohhhhhh! You mean Napoli when Maradona was there!
Ibrahimovic: [Face Palm]
Andrealphus: If your husband dies, it won't turn out well for you.
Stella: He'll be dead! Why wouldn't it?
Andrealphus: Because, my dear sister, you've already produced an heir. When he dies, his duties, his possessions, his legions—it will all pass to Via.
(Stella continues sipping tea, clearly not understanding.)
Andrealphus: So, if you kill him, you would, hm...?
Stella: Laugh?
Andrealphus: No, you stupid cow! You'll get nothing!
Stella: He'll be dead! Why wouldn't it?
Andrealphus: Because, my dear sister, you've already produced an heir. When he dies, his duties, his possessions, his legions—it will all pass to Via.
(Stella continues sipping tea, clearly not understanding.)
Andrealphus: So, if you kill him, you would, hm...?
Stella: Laugh?
Andrealphus: No, you stupid cow! You'll get nothing!
Lim: Name one time when I ever touched anything and got us into trouble.
(Richi lists three such examples.)
Lim: I said name ONE time!!
(Richi lists three such examples.)
Lim: I said name ONE time!!
Webcomics
"Furry?! Dude, does nothing—" [Beat Panel] "...Aha. Furry. Okay. Sure. Alright, I'm a furry. A furry that only comes out on full moons. And I'm specifically a wolf furry. Yes. I am just a furry. Put two and two together, you freaking idiot. I. Am. A. Werewolf."
— Carl, Cans Of Beans, Page 64
King Jack: You know of our [Pastel Kingdom's] long-time trusted ally, the Plaid Kingdom, right? For many years now, we've been discussing the idea of unifying both kingdoms and strengthening our bonds. Do you know what that means?
Princess Lorena: Yeah, it means an impending fashion disaster because pastels and plaid look gross together.
Princess Lorena: Yeah, it means an impending fashion disaster because pastels and plaid look gross together.
"I mean, I like uniforms, but what's the point if everyone in a group is wearing the same thing?"
— Tedd, El Goonish Shive, 17 August 2007
"Zii, as une lesbienne, I'm... I'm... I'm going to miss boooooooooys!"
Padme: After it!
Clone NPC: It's a spaceship. This is a hover transport-
Padme: Modify the engines or something!
Clone NPC: -with no walls.
Padme: Hold your breaths!
Clone NPC: It's a spaceship. This is a hover transport-
Padme: Modify the engines or something!
Clone NPC: -with no walls.
Padme: Hold your breaths!
Gurlukovich: Oh boy! I can't wait to use Metal Gear RAY to restore Mother Russia to her former glory!
Ocelot: What? I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. It sounded like "Please shoot me in the face and take this Metal Gear." CAN DO. *bang bang bang bang*
Ocelot: What? I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. It sounded like "Please shoot me in the face and take this Metal Gear." CAN DO. *bang bang bang bang*
Christy: The more this (Love Potion-selling boondoggle) goes on the more I feel like we are helping sell snake oil.
Callie: Snake oil! That just gave me a great idea. We should find some nagas to sell to.
Callie: Snake oil! That just gave me a great idea. We should find some nagas to sell to.
Web Original
<Batty>: Euch, rap is just missing one letter. c.
<zeep>: rapc?
<Batty>: ...
<Batty>: Crap you idiot. you put the c on the other end
<zeep>: oic
<Batty>: Though you could also say it's missing an e
<zeep>: wtf is erap?''
<zeep>: rapc?
<Batty>: ...
<Batty>: Crap you idiot. you put the c on the other end
<zeep>: oic
<Batty>: Though you could also say it's missing an e
<zeep>: wtf is erap?''
— Bash.Org
I think they have destroy the game just with the Bo; i hate japenese music, it was a bad choice to give this project to a japenese i think
— Teranovadra's reaction to the final stage of Child of Eden
of Child of EdenChris: This, by the way, is one of my favorite things about this era: Batman has a hidden panel in his house, he hides the switch to open it, he says all the time that if his identity were revealed, it would compromise his effectiveness as a crimefighter... but he keeps the Bat-Phone just straight up sitting on his desk.
David: Well, it’s plausible that he just likes red phones! In serving trays!
David: Well, it’s plausible that he just likes red phones! In serving trays!
— Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Batman: The Movie
Batman: The MovieThe fans' chants of “BORING” have now turned to “Fire Russo!” Funny backstory there: following this encounter, Dixie Carter did an interview saying how dumb the fans were since Russo didn’t even book this. She did not follow up by saying how stupid she herself was for putting on such a match that had fans chanting for someone to be on the unemployment line.
skeletonpart: during an accident as a child a small boy broke his arms and was then exposed to xrays these rays revealed that the boy was in fact part man, part skeleton
magehenry: ..what?
skeletonpart: the SKELETON MAN
magehenry: ..what?
skeletonpart: the SKELETON MAN
Michael Vick: Do you know how hard it is to quit cold turkey? Which reminds me, I've also been waterboarding turkeys.
Roger Goodell: Dammit Michael! How am I supposed to defend that to PETA? Do you have any idea how that sounds?
Michael Vick: Yeah, it's kind of a "gobble-gobble, glub-glub-glub" sound.
Roger Goodell (double facepalm)
Roger Goodell: Dammit Michael! How am I supposed to defend that to PETA? Do you have any idea how that sounds?
Michael Vick: Yeah, it's kind of a "gobble-gobble, glub-glub-glub" sound.
Roger Goodell (double facepalm)
I own a computer store. One day, two policemen came into the store and told that they owned a 486 and a 286. They asked if a 486 and a 286 could be assembled together into a 686. I replied to the dumb request by asking them if two 200 horsepower police cars can be used to make up a 400 horsepower Ferrari. The policemen didn't get it and replied angrily that altering car engines is strictly forbidden by law.
— rinkworks.com, "Computer Stupidities"''
Anonymous asked: environmental racism isn't a thing. God how can people be so stupid. Plants don't have fucking opinions.
embod1ment answered: I’m … legitimately blown away that you think environmental racism is about the marginalization of plants.
embod1ment answered: I’m … legitimately blown away that you think environmental racism is about the marginalization of plants.
Report On Reports Sees Too Many Reports:
Project took 668 Pages, 18 months; more study is due, agency head says.
Project took 668 Pages, 18 months; more study is due, agency head says.
— from an Associated Press wire story, reproduced here''
'' Web Video
The first step to ending racism is obvious… to ban Magic: The Gathering cards. Wizards of the Coast has taken brave steps to ban seven cards from their game, which depict some of the worst things in history. The Crusades, imprisonment… and gypsies. The most notable banning, of course, being "Invoke Prejudice", which- Oh, wow. (cut to close up of the card’s art, which features figures in robes and Ku Klux Klan-esque masks, with one of them wielding a giant axe) Okay, yeah, uh… If you’re a white player playing with this card, well, the problem is kinda obvious… it costs 4 blue mana, and if you’re splashing white in a blue deck, well, I know you’re privileged. Dual lands, you rich bitch!
— SAMTIME, "How To End Racism"
Luigi: [scoff] What are we gonna do?
Mario: Hmm, I don't know, Bowser, the ruler of his own castle, just stole the princess. Wherever could he be?
Luigi: Hmm. Maybe he's in Canada. I like Canada.
Mario: [slamming Luigi into a wall] No, Luigi, we're going to Bowser's Castle!
Mario: Hmm, I don't know, Bowser, the ruler of his own castle, just stole the princess. Wherever could he be?
Luigi: Hmm. Maybe he's in Canada. I like Canada.
Mario: [slamming Luigi into a wall] No, Luigi, we're going to Bowser's Castle!
— StacheBros, "Mario & Luigi! Stache Bros - Episode 2-1 - The Typical Mario Beginning"
Waluigi: I guess Bowser's back home early? [grunt]
Wario: [grunts, then notices Bowser Jr. in the window] Whoa! Hmm, I don't think so. Look up there. I think we just got scammed by a kindeygartner.
Waluigi: Am I supposed to be impressed? I only have a preschool education! This is normal! Kindergartners are like Einstein to me! Uh...that's a smart guy, right? Did I speak well?
Wario: [grunts, then notices Bowser Jr. in the window] Whoa! Hmm, I don't think so. Look up there. I think we just got scammed by a kindeygartner.
Waluigi: Am I supposed to be impressed? I only have a preschool education! This is normal! Kindergartners are like Einstein to me! Uh...that's a smart guy, right? Did I speak well?
— StacheBros, "Home Alone"
Goku: Ah- [he's] a Yoshi.
Piccolo: (offscreen) I'm not a goddamn Yoshi!
Goku: But you said you were!
Piccolo: (offscreen) It's called sarcasm!
Goku: What's that taste like?
Piccolo: (offscreen) DAMMIT Goku!!
Piccolo: (offscreen) I'm not a goddamn Yoshi!
Goku: But you said you were!
Piccolo: (offscreen) It's called sarcasm!
Goku: What's that taste like?
Piccolo: (offscreen) DAMMIT Goku!!
— Dragon Ball Z Abridged Episode 2, where Goku and Piccolo fight Raditz.
"The company I'm building is called wash-email-chine. You know how hard it is to get quarters at a laundromat? Well for a monthly fee we mail you a washing machine with the quarters already inside it so you can just wash your clothes then send it back with the provided envelope."
— You Suck at Cooking: Modified Ramen
Dio: Well, not to worry. After all, we did just catch the culprits...
Cloud: Culprits? Pretty sure this was done by one guy-
Cait Sith: He means us, Cloud.
Cloud: Culprits? Pretty sure this was done by one guy-
Cait Sith: He means us, Cloud.
Western Animation
Finn: We don't have a spaceskipper.
Jake: Also, Finn's your son.
Martin: What? No spaceskipper?
Jake: Also, Finn's your son.
Martin: What? No spaceskipper?
[From the educational movie "Meat and You: Partners in Freedom"]
Troy McClure: Come on Jimmy, let's take a peek at the killing floor.
Jimmy: Oooohhh!
Troy McClure: Don't let the name throw you Jimmy! It's not really a floor, it's more of a steel grating that allows material to sluice through so it can be collected and exported.
Troy McClure: Come on Jimmy, let's take a peek at the killing floor.
Jimmy: Oooohhh!
Troy McClure: Don't let the name throw you Jimmy! It's not really a floor, it's more of a steel grating that allows material to sluice through so it can be collected and exported.
Bart: Mom, you won't believe this, but something you said the other day really got through to me. [Menacingly] And now, I'm going to teach some kids from Shelbyville a lesson.
Marge: [Happy] I choose to take that literally.
Bart: Death to Shelbyville!
Homer: Yes, Bart's a tutor now. Tute on, son! Tute on!
Marge: [Happy] I choose to take that literally.
Bart: Death to Shelbyville!
Homer: Yes, Bart's a tutor now. Tute on, son! Tute on!
Marge: The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo! A four day weekend!
Homer: Woo-hoo! A four day weekend!
— The Simpsons, "Lisa's Rival"
"My Homer is not a Communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist, but he is NOT a pornstar!"
— Grandpa Abe Simpson, The Simpsons
Chief Wiggum: [laughing]
Ned: What do we have here, the long, flabby arm of the law!? The last case you got to the bottom of was a case of Mallomars!
Krusty: "Mallomars." Oh, that's goin' in the act!
Ned: Hohoh, yeah, the CLOWN! The only one of you buffoons who doesn't make me laugh! And as for you, [pointing at Lenny] I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a jerk!
Lenny: Hey, I've only been here a few minutes! What's going on?
Ned: [to Moe] You ugly, hate-filled man!
Moe: Hey, hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I... um... what was the third thing you said?
Ned: Homer... You are the worst human being I have ever met.
Homer: ... [innocently] Hey, I got off pretty easy!
Ned: What do we have here, the long, flabby arm of the law!? The last case you got to the bottom of was a case of Mallomars!
Krusty: "Mallomars." Oh, that's goin' in the act!
Ned: Hohoh, yeah, the CLOWN! The only one of you buffoons who doesn't make me laugh! And as for you, [pointing at Lenny] I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a jerk!
Lenny: Hey, I've only been here a few minutes! What's going on?
Ned: [to Moe] You ugly, hate-filled man!
Moe: Hey, hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I... um... what was the third thing you said?
Ned: Homer... You are the worst human being I have ever met.
Homer: ... [innocently] Hey, I got off pretty easy!
— The Simpsons, "Hurricane Neddy"
Mr. Krabs: Neptune preserve [Sandy, who' just ripped off her diving suit]!
Squidward: How long can she stay like that?
SpongeBob: I don't know!
Patrick: Sandy's a girl?
Squidward: How long can she stay like that?
SpongeBob: I don't know!
Patrick: Sandy's a girl?
— SpongeBob SquarePants, "Pressure"
Katara: It says here, "If you ever want to see your daughter again, bring 500 gold pieces to the Arena." It's signed Xin Fu and The Boulder.
Sokka: I can't believe it. I HAVE THE BOULDER'S AUTOGRAPH!!
Sokka: I can't believe it. I HAVE THE BOULDER'S AUTOGRAPH!!
Gumball: It's a safe, Darwin! It's full of money! And what do bald people need more of?
Darwin: Friends?
Gumball: Yes! And what do you buy friends with?
Darwin: Uhhhhh...
Gumball: With money!
Darwin: Friends?
Gumball: Yes! And what do you buy friends with?
Darwin: Uhhhhh...
Gumball: With money!
Peter: Well from this day forward, I, Peter Griffin, will never drink again.
Brian: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter: Crack.
Brian: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter: Crack.
Stationmaster's wife: [After Thomas crashes into the stationmaster's house] You miserable engine! Just look what you done to our breakfast! Now I have to cook some more!
— Thomas & Friends, "Thomas Comes To Breakfast"
Duck: [after crashing into a barber shop] Beg pardon, sir. Excuse my intrusion.
The Barber: No, I won't! You've frightened my customers! I'll teach you! [lather Duck's face with shaving cream]
The Barber: No, I won't! You've frightened my customers! I'll teach you! [lather Duck's face with shaving cream]
— Thomas & Friends, "A Close Shave"
Confucius: Never belch before a lady.
Froggo: Sorry! I didn't know it was her turn.
Froggo: Sorry! I didn't know it was her turn.
— Histeria!!
Luigi: 200 years [in prison]!? What're we gonna do!?
Mario: Don't worry, because I doubt we're gonna live 200 years, Luigi!
Mario: Don't worry, because I doubt we're gonna live 200 years, Luigi!
Mr. Blik: [having landed on the moon, points outside] Look!
Waffle: [gasps] A finger!
Waffle: [gasps] A finger!
Fanboy: Bubble gum, bubble gum, in a dish. How many pieces do you wish? [stops on Kyle]
Kyle: Gum? None for me, thank you. My orthodontist strictly forbids it.
Chum Chum: Kyle, for the last time! It's NOT actual gum! It's just how we pick who's it in freeze tag!
Kyle: Gum? None for me, thank you. My orthodontist strictly forbids it.
Chum Chum: Kyle, for the last time! It's NOT actual gum! It's just how we pick who's it in freeze tag!
— Fanboy and Chum Chum, "Freeze Tag"
Chum Chum: I really liked that part where we celebrated in the parking lot. ...The rest is a little foggy, though.
Kyle: "Foggy"?! We danced with death! I shall carry a mental picture of this horror forever!
Chum Chum: Pictures? Ooh! Make sure you get doubles!
Kyle: "Foggy"?! We danced with death! I shall carry a mental picture of this horror forever!
Chum Chum: Pictures? Ooh! Make sure you get doubles!
— Fanboy and Chum Chum, "Fan vs. Wild"
Blossom: Hey! Why shouldn't you put a toaster in a bathtub?
Man: Well duh! You wouldn't be able to make toast in the kitchen.
Woman: Yeah. You would have to go to the bathroom every time you wanted toast. What a waste of time.
Blossom: Why shouldn't you put a toaster in a bathtub full of water?
Old Man: Because your toast would get soggy.
Man: Well duh! You wouldn't be able to make toast in the kitchen.
Woman: Yeah. You would have to go to the bathroom every time you wanted toast. What a waste of time.
Blossom: Why shouldn't you put a toaster in a bathtub full of water?
Old Man: Because your toast would get soggy.
Peg: "I know what to do if there's a mess?"
Cat: "Cover it with leaves?"
— Peg + Cat, "The Parade Problem"
Lincoln Loud: (on a boy who Liam claims was forgotten and lives behind his barn) "Clyde! We can't end up like Marty Malach!"
Clyde McBride: "Yeah, I don't wanna live behind Liam's barn! His chickens are mean!"
— The Loud House, "Out of the Picture"
Marge Simpson: "He prefers the company of men."
Homer Simpson: "Who doesn't?"
Peg: "We know the heavier one has...?"
Cat: "A cold? Hiccups?"
(later)
Peg: "I'm friends with the best cat in the whole world!"
Cat: "Puss in Boots?"
— Peg + Cat, "The Cleopatra Problem"
Angelica Pickles: "I am playing the most dangerous game of all."
Chuckie Finster: "Musical chairs?"
Angelica: "No, dummy! Love!"
— Rugrats, "Angelica's in Love"
Cat: "The chain is attached to the Bla—(gets pulled away)—eeaahhh!"
Peg: "Not the Blaeeaahhh!"
— Peg + Cat, "The Blabberwocky Problem"
Ms. Flamiel: "When an apple fell from a tree and landed on Isaac Newton, what did it teach him?"
Wakko Warner: "To sit someplace else?"
(...)
Ms. Flamiel: "If you have ten cookies, and someone takes away half of them, what do they have?"
Dot Warner: "A broken hand."
Ms. Flamiel: "No!"
Dot: "They would if they tried to take my cookies!"
Ms. Flamiel: "They're not trying to take your cookies!"
Dot: "But that's what you said."
Ms. Flamiel: "That's not what I—- oh, forget it! Just forget it, all right?!"
Dot: "All right."
Ms. Flamiel: "Now, where was I?"
Dot: "I dunno; you told me to forget."
— Animaniacs, prelude to "Multiplication"
Kraang Subprime: BLOW UP REALITIES?! You've been trying to wipe out dimensions we've been trying to mutate for thousands of years?! ARE YOU INSANE?!
Kraang: ...well, you did say "Wipe out the Turtles at any cost"...
Kraang Subprime: This is why I banished you to two-dimensional Earth in the first place! BECAUSE YOU'RE AN IDIOT! A MORON! A DINGLEBERRY!!
Kraang: ...well, you did say "Wipe out the Turtles at any cost"...
Kraang Subprime: This is why I banished you to two-dimensional Earth in the first place! BECAUSE YOU'RE AN IDIOT! A MORON! A DINGLEBERRY!!
"As this shocking graph indicates, our water consumption has tripled in the last month. I notice Fry has been here for a month, so I'm appointing him head of a committee to find who's responsible."
— Hermes, Futurama, "I, Roommate"
Professor: (gasps) It's an albino humping worm!
Fry: Why do they call it that?
(the ship starts rocking back and forth)
Professor: Because it doesn't have any pigment.
Fry: Why do they call it that?
(the ship starts rocking back and forth)
Professor: Because it doesn't have any pigment.
Lincoln: I've got eyes on the package.
Clyde: Package? What about Lori's phone?
Lincoln: (Face Palm)
Clyde: Package? What about Lori's phone?
Lincoln: (Face Palm)
— The Loud House, "Get the Message"
Nathan: Mimsy, you didn't do what I told you.
Mimsy: D'ahh, whattaya mean, boss? You said to swim in the water and to blow the [shark] whistle. I swam in the water, so now I'm gonna blow the whistle! [blows whistle]
Intertitle text: Mimsy was supposed to blow the shark whistle while still under the water. There appears to have been a fundamental misunderstanding.
Mimsy: D'ahh, whattaya mean, boss? You said to swim in the water and to blow the [shark] whistle. I swam in the water, so now I'm gonna blow the whistle! [blows whistle]
Intertitle text: Mimsy was supposed to blow the shark whistle while still under the water. There appears to have been a fundamental misunderstanding.
