Film / No Kidding

No kidding, your little darlings will have the time of their lives doing what comes naturally.

"Bit of a dump, isn't it, dad?"

— Richard Robinson upon first seeing Chartham Place.

No Kidding is a 1960 film starring Leslie Phillips, Geraldine McEwan, Julia Lockwood, and Noel Purcell. Despite being produced and directed by Peter Rogers and Gerald Thomas, and having a few of the films' stars, this film was not part of the Carry On... Series.

After David Robinson (Phillips), his wife, Catherine (McEwan), and their son, Richard (Christopher Witty) inherit Chartham Place (a large, rundown country house they can't afford to live in), David comes up with the idea of using the house as a holiday home for rich kids. Helping them run the house is an odd-jobs man, Mr. Tandy (Purcell); his grandson and the gardener, Will (Brian Rawlinson); a prissy Matron (June Jago), and an alcoholic Cook (Joan Hickson), however, trouble arises when a local councillor, Alderman Mrs. Spicer (Irene Handl) wants the house to use as a home for local underprivileged children.

The children arrive and are a bunch of rowdy, snobby, and rebellious brats, such as Fenella (Lockwood) - better known as "Vanilla" - who lies that her aunt mistreats her; Lionel Rockbottom (Haydn Evans), a Creepy Child; the Treadgolds - Dandy Big (Michael Gowdy) and Dandy Little (Janet Bradbury) - a pair of stuck-up Americans; Angus (Martin Stephens), who is coping with a nasty divorce; Priscilla (Francesca Annis), the daughter of an earl; Princes Hassan and Suleiman Balzik (Keith Lacey and Mark Milleham), the sons of the King and Queen of Sudi Ismaelia (Eric Pohlmann and Patricia Jessel); and Margaret and Eileen (Louise Redman and Millicent Kerr), daughters of an African politician (Earl Cameron).

Hilarity Ensues as the Robinsons and their staff struggle to control the kids, while Mrs. Spicer tries to make them lose the house.

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CHARTHAM PLACE: CHILDREN'S TROPES HOME:

• Abusive Parents:
  • Lionel has them; Mr. Rockbottom is never happy with him, always shouts, and isn't afraid to get physical with him, whereas Lill, while she dotes over Lionel, sits back and doesn't try to stop her husband:
    Mr. Rockbottom: Right, Lionel? Now you enjoy yourself here, my boy. Understand? Or I'll brain ya.
    Lionel: Yes, sir.
  • Vanilla lies that her aunt neglects, starves, and beats her.
• Accidental Misnaming: While on the phone with her aunt, David mishears Fenella's name as "Vanilla", and puts her down on the list of children as such. When asked if her name really is "Vanilla", Fenella says she doesn't mind being referred to as such.
• Added Alliterative Appeal:
  • Dandy Big mutters "Leapin' lizards" as he heads up the stairs to see his room at Chartham Place for the first time.
  • David calls Chartham Place a "happy holiday home".
• Agony of the Feet: David hurts his foot while out looking for the children when they steal his car:
  Catherine: David, you're limping.
  David: I lost my slipper. Caught my foot in that so-and-so bicycle.
• The Alcoholic:
  • Cook is frequently drunk, much to Matron's displeasure:
    Cook: What did you call me?
    Matron: "Drunk", I said, and "drunk", I repeat.
  • Tandy is too, to a lesser degree, sharing drinks with Cook:
    Mrs. Spicer: Domestic personnel?
    David: Mr. Tandy, who I've no doubt you know.
    Mrs. Spicer: Ah, yes. An inebriate.
  • Mrs. Treadgold has to knock back martinis to tolerate her husband Edgar's hunting trips.
• Alcohol Hic: An absolutely plastered Cook lets one out when Matron tries to pass off to the children that she's ill.
• Alliterative Name: Richard Robinson.
• All There in the Script: While unstated in the film, Mrs. Treadgold's name is "Helen".
• Ask a Stupid Question...: While discussing the Robinsons' staff, Mrs. Spicer asks if their Matron (who she has just been told works at a public school) is qualified. An exasperated David annoyedly tells her that the Matron is actually a struck-off African witch doctor in return.
• Bedsheet Ghost: Suleiman dresses up as one for Lionel but doesn't get to show him when Hassan (dressed up as a monster) ends up scaring the life out of Cook.
• Berserk Button: Cook can't stand being called "woman" by Matron and gives her several warnings not to. When Matron pushes her luck and repeatedly yells it at her, Cook gives her a Pie in the Face.
• The Big Damn Kiss: David gives Catherine one after Mrs. Spicer decides to let them keep Chartham Place.
• Bitch in Sheep's Clothing: Many of the children are deceivingly nice when they arrive at Chartham Place. While the Treadgolds, Lionel, and Priscilla are straightforward from the start, Hassan, Suleiman, Margaret, and Eileen all act like well-behaved children when first meeting the Robinsons, while Angus is downtrodden, and Vanilla pretends to be a victim of domestic abuse; these six quickly prove to be just as much trouble as the Treadgolds, as all the younger ones play nasty pranks and run amok, while Vanilla continues to spread her lies around the house.
• Blue Blood: Of the children at Chartham Place, Hassam and Suleiman are Middle Eastern princes, while Priscilla is the daughter of an Earl.
• Bratty Half-Pint:
  • The Treadgolds are rude, stuck-up, and won't stop complaining about how Chartham Place doesn't meet up to their expectations.
  • Vanilla constantly lies about her home life for attention.
  • The rest of the children at Chartham Place seem alright, but once they're all given freedom to do what they like turn into terrors, chopping down trees, playing nasty pranks, and stealing the Robinsons' car:
    Catherine: David, they're... they're alright.
    David: No, they're not, they're all wrong. Wrong as is possible for children to be, dear. Selfish, spoiled, thoughtless, uncontrolled, wrong!
• Brownface: Hassan, Suleiman, and King and Queen Balzik are played by fair-skinned actors browned up to look more Middle Eastern.
• Clothing Damage: Will often wears a striped T-shirt with holes in it.
• Comically Missing the Point:
  • When Matron insults the District Nurse:
    Matron: This interfering busy-body-
    District Nurse: A very pretty little body, I agree.
  • When Henri arrives at Chartham Place:
    Henri: My fazzer. 'E 'as wrotten?
    David: Oh, really?
    Henri: 'E 'as wrotten to you? No?
    David: Well, no, I've never... Oh-ho-ho-ho, you mean, has he written to me?
  • When Henri meets Catherine, she remarks he's Franc. Henri thinks she's gotten his name wrong and corrects her that he is "Henri".
• Compulsive Liar: Vanilla is always spinning lies about being abused and mistreated to gain the sympathy of others, most often Catherine.
• Contrived Coincidence: Purely by a stroke of luck, Margaret and Eileen pass by the window where the staff are gathered to retrieve a cricket ball, just as David discusses Mrs. Spicer's plan to shut down Chartham Place.
• Creepy Child: Lionel is quiet and likes ghosts, which puts David and Catherine on edge around him:
  David: "Feels a bit strange"? He is a bit strange.
• Crocodile Tears: Vanilla puts on a big show of crying in front of Catherine to make her believe she is starved and abused at home, only to burst out laughing when she leaves the room.
• Curse Cut Short: When David and Catherine discuss Lionel's fondness for ghosts:
  David: The morbid little-
  Catherine: Well, I expect he just feels a bit strange.
• Deadpan Snarker: David can be when under stress:
  Mrs. Spicer: How much extra help have you specifically to aid with childcare?
  Catherine: A Matron, doing a holiday job for us. She's from a small public school.
  Mrs. Spicer: Is she qualified?
  David: No, no. The school in question insists on employing struck-off African witch doctors.
• Disappeared Dad:
  • Vanilla lies to Catherine that her father died in jail.
  • Angus wants to feed a frog who claims told him that his daddy went away.
• Do Not Call Me "Paul": The Treadgold children's first names aren't revealed as they refuse to be called by them, claiming they stink.
• The Dreaded: After Vanilla tries to seduce him, she becomes this to Will, who is terrified of her.
• Driven to Suicide: Vanilla tells Catherine that her mother jumped out of a window after the death of her father and that she wished she had taken her with her. However, like all of Vanilla's tales, this was all a lie.
• Erotic Dream: Vanilla has been having them about common, working-class men ever since she read Lady Chatterley's Lover.
• Establishing Character Moment:
  • We meet the Treadgolds as they leave their chauffeur-driven car and instantly tell Will to drop dead, showing us that they are rich brats who have no sense of respect.
  • Matron and Cook arrive at Chartham Place together, the latter drunk and the former scolding her. This sets up that Cook is an alcoholic, Matron is very prim and proper, and that the two of them will not get along.
• Everyone Calls Him "Barkeep": Matron and Cook's names aren't revealed, so the two of them are referred to by what they work as.
• Eye Scream: Cook tells David what she plans to do to Matron if she catches her spying on her:
  Cook: I don't like spies. You can tell her from me, the next time I catch her I shall yank her eyeball through the keyhole!
• Fainting: Vanilla faints shortly after meeting the highly desirable Henri.
• Faint in Shock: When the Robinsons believe someone has kidnapped the children (minus Lionel and Priscilla) and stolen their car, David remarks only a maniac would want all of them. The very thought of a maniac with the children makes Catherine panic and faint in David's arms.
• Fake Faint:
  • Vanilla collapses at the railway station from malnutrition and has to be taken to Chartham Place by ambulance. Of course, she was only faking it.
  • When the Robinsons catch her trying to seduce Will, Vanilla fakes another faint to look less guilty.
• The Film of the Book: The film was based on Verily Anderson's memoir Beware of Children.
• Fingore: David burns his fingers on a hot frying pan trying to fry up some eggs in the absence of Cook.
• Flat Character: Out of all the children, Hassan, Suleiman, Margaret, and Eileen are given the least to do in the plot and have no character traits not shared with the others.
• Food Slap: Cook often gets back at Matron for her criticisms of her by throwing things such as flour and pies at her.
• Forceful Kiss: Vanilla gives one to Will in the garden just after he accuses her of being too forward.
• Freeze-Frame Bonus: The café proprietor isn't named in dialogue, but the sign outside reveals his name to be "Nick".
• From the Mouths of Babes: During Mrs. Spicer and Colonel Matthews' inspection:
  Mrs. Spicer: I'm an extremely-
  Angus: Interferin' old trrrollop.
  Priscilla: Angus! That's very naughty.
  Colonel Matthews: Now, now, don't be angry with him. Out of the mouths of babes and... well, come things they neither mean nor understand.
• Horrible Housing: Chartham Place is, as Richard puts it, a bit of a dump when the Robinsons arrive. They, with the help of Tandy and Will, manage to spruce the place up in no time flat, however.
• Get Out!:
  • When the District Nurse tries to help Vanilla, Matron requests her to "kindly leave this establishment" as she is interfering with her job.
  • Matron is on the receiving end too, when Cook wants her out of the kitchen:
    Matron: Before I speak to Mrs. Robinson about you, I'm giving you one more chance.
    Cook: Declined, hop it.
• The Ghost: Edna, who was supposed to be at Chartham Place to help look after the children.
• Gratuitous French:
  • Vanilla speaks a few words of French to Henri to try and flirt with him. Henri speaks a little back in return.
  • David warns Henri there is to be no more "amour" with Vanilla.
• Great White Hunter: The Treadgolds' parents are off in Africa on a hunting trip:
  Dandy Big: They're way out in Africa, someplace. Pa knockin' out rhinos, Ma knockin' back martinis.
• Haunted House: Lionel hoped that Chartham Place would have been one:
  Lionel: Is there a ghost here, Will?
  Will: Not that I know of.
  Lionel: Just my luck. Not even that to look forward to.
• Ironic Echo: Early on, Catherine tells David that the figure of authority in any family is the male. When she tries to get him to stop punishing the children after they steal the car, he repeats this to her and reminds her that she was the one who said it.
• It's All My Fault: After the children steal the Robinsons' car, Catherine says this very phrase, as it was she who insisted that the children should be free to do what they like while at Chartham Place.
• Lady Drunk:
  • Cook is almost always in a state of intoxication:
    Suleiman: What's the matter with Cook, Matron?
    Matron: Oh, er, sh-she's ill.
    Dandy Big: "Ill"? Are you kiddin'? She's plastered!
  • Dandy Big mentions his mother knocks back martinis while on hunting trips with his father, Edgar.
• Last-Name Basis: Tandy, Matron, and Cook all call David and Catherine "Mr. and Mrs. Robinson" as they are their employers, while Mrs. Spicer calls them the same to be professional.
• Loud Sleeper Gag: Cook snores terribly according to David:
  Catherine: Well, she should be getting on with breakfast.
  David: I passed her room on the way down. Know she snores like a squadron of bombers.
• Make-Out Kids: David and Catherine catch Vanilla and Henri kissing in a pile of hay.
• Market-Based Title: The film was released in America as Beware of Children.
• Mass "Oh, Crap!": Tandy warns the Robinsons that the children have dug a tunnel under the lake, and the three adults rush outside to stop them from hurting themselves. When the tunnel collapses and Angus is believed to be inside, they panic and jump into the lake to try and save him.
• Missing Mum:
  • Angus' mother walked out on his family after a flaming row with his father. Happily, she comes back after his time at Chartham Place is over:
    Angus: When's Mummy coming back?
    Angus' Father: Soon... I'd better go.
  • Vanilla lies to Catherine that her mother jumped out of a window after her father died in jail.
  • Angus wants to feed a frog who claims told him that his mummy went away.
• Mistaken for Pregnant: The District Nurse is hard of hearing, and through some misunderstandings this causes her to believe that Vanilla is pregnant with triplets:
  District Nurse: Never been involved in such an utter waste of time in all my life. That girl's no more pregnant than you are!
  Matron: Who said she was pregnant? Only you!
• Mistaken for Gay: When Vanilla asks Will why he avoids her, she asks him if he even likes girls.
• Mistaken Identity:
  • When Catherine meets Priscilla, she assumes she is Edna and asks her to look after Angus.
  • When Mrs. Spicer and Colonel Matthews come to inspect Cook's kitchen, she assumes the two are the parents of one of the children. Mrs. Spicer tries to explain they aren't married, which only makes Cook think they are living in sin.
• Mondegreen Gag:
  • David hears Fenella's name as "Vanilla" on the phone with her aunt, so he writes her down on the list of children as such.
  • The District Nurse is hard of hearing, which leads her to believe that Vanilla is pregnant with triplets and not realise Matron wants her out of Chartham Place:
    Matron: I am Matron here!
    District Nurse: Nothing "queer" about it at all, happens all the time.
• Nephewism: Vanilla lives with her (rather vague) aunt. She likes to lie and say it's because her parents are dead.
• No Full Name Given:
  • We don't get to find out Fenella, Priscilla, Angus, Margaret, Eileen, or Nick's last names.
  • The same can be said for Tandy, Mrs. Spicer, the Treadgold children, Colonel Matthews, and King and Queen Balzik's first names.
• No Guy Wants to Be Chased: Why Will doesn't like Vanilla:
  Vanilla: What's the matter with you, Will? Don't you like girls?
  Will: Well, you're... you're... you're too forward.
• Noodle Incident:
  • At the start of the film, the Robinsons are broke. We don't get any specifics as to what happened, but there are a few mentions of a chicken farm and a nightclub.
  • The Treadgold children make a few comments when they first see Angus implying their parents have divorced more than once.
• Not So Above It All: While Colonel Matthews takes his job on the council just as seriously as Mrs. Spicer does, he isn't against sharing a laugh with Cook during his inspection of Chartham House and finds it highly amusing when Angus calls Mrs. Spicer an "interfering old trollop".
• An Odd Place to Sleep: Lionel is almost always asleep when outside, whether it be under a tree or lying in the garden.
• Oh, Crap!: When Catherine spots the children using a saw to do a Saw a Woman in Half trick on Eileen, she shrieks in horror and runs outside to stop them.
• Only Known by Their Nickname: The Treadgold children insist on only being known as "Dandy Big" and "Dandy Little":
  Dandy Little: "Dandy Big" him, "Dandy Little" me. Don't use our given names, they stink.
• Pie in the Face: Matron gets one from Cook as revenge for being called "woman" one too many times.
• Qurac Hassan and Suleiman are the princes of a Middle Eastern country called "Sudi Ismaelia".
• Rain, Rain, Go Away: After the children steal the Robinsons' car, the next day pours down with rain, and they're all forced to stay inside with nothing to do.
• Really Gets Around: When Tandy is trying to convince the Robinsons to move into Chartham Place:
  Catherine: You'll need a... real Victorian-sized family for a place like this.
  Tandy: Well, have one.
  David: Well, it's not as easy as all that.
  Tandy: Oi never found it difficult...
• Roll in the Hay: Vanilla and Henri make out in a pile of hay, much to the concern of David and Catherine.
• Saw a Woman in Half: Catherine shrieks in horror seeing the children trying to do this trick to Eileen, only for Margaret to pop out of the other end of the box with both girls unharmed:
  David: Sawing a girl in two? That's a charming pastime for a happy holiday home, I must say. "Send your daughter to Chartham Place, where they do do things by heart".
• Say My Name: Priscilla calls out Angus' name in a scolding tone after he calls Mrs. Spicer an "interfering old trollop".
• Screw This, I'm Outta Here: After she tries to seduce him, Will is happily mowing the lawn with the children when Vanilla calls out to him. It takes a second before Will bolts for the trees to get away from her.
• Self-Made Man: Mr. Rockbottom became a millionaire by dealing scrap metal.
• Shrinking Violet: Lionel's parents think him only to be painfully shy when in reality he is a Creepy Child.
• Shout-Out:
  • David and Catherine advertise Chartham Place in The Times.
  • Vanilla has read Lady Chatterley's Lover, which is the root of her attraction to working-class men.
  • David calls Mrs. Spicer "Old Mother Spicer" after the "Old Mother Hubbard" nursery rhyme.
• Speak in Unison: Upon meeting Colonel Matthews and Mrs. Spicer, the children all ask as one "How do you do?".
• Staircase Tumble: Cook tries to go up to her room after having one too many drinks, only to slip and slide down on her behind much to the horror of Matron and the amusement of some of the children.
• Tagline: "Carry on... but beware of the children!!!".
• Take That!: Dandy Big tells Dandy Little to get away from Catherine before she starts singing "Getting to Know You".
• The Talk: David and Catherine argue over who has to give it to Vanilla and Henri after they find them kissing in a pile of hay:
  David: You will have to talk to them.
  Catherine: I'm not gonna talk to that smouldering French import sexpot about... You'll have to talk to them.
• Teen Pregnancy: The District Nurse tells Matron that teenage unmarried mothers take up a lot of her time, and she believes that Vanilla is pregnant with triplets!
• Tempting Fate: When Cook warns Matron not to call her "woman", she begins saying the word over and over again. Cook, fed up with this, chases her from the kitchen and gives her a Pie in the Face.
• Those Two Guys: Two of the sibling pairs (Hassan and Suleiman, and Margaret and Eileen) are always seen together.
• Token Good Teammate: Priscilla is the one child at Chartham Place who isn't rude, strange, a liar, or destructive. She even goes as far as to help Catherine look after the others.
• Trrrilling Rrrs: Angus' Scottish accent makes him prone to this, such as when he calls Mrs. Spicer an "interfering old trrrollop".
• Troll: The children trick Catherine into thinking Eileen has been cut in half, purely for a laugh.
• "Ugly American" Stereotype: The Treadgolds are a pair of obnoxious, stuck-up, little brats with a stereotypical American drawl.
• Ultimate Job Security: While Cook may be good in the kitchen, she somehow doesn't get the sack for constantly being drunk, skipping her work to sleep in, or when she breaks a load of crockery during a drunken episode.
• Uptown Girl: Vanilla wants a common man, dreaming of them at night. Will is just what she's looking for and so she tries to seduce him:
  Vanilla: For months, I've dreamed night after night... of a man. A peasant. Strong. Sunburnt face. Rippling muscles. Curly, springy hair. He's you!
  Will: M-Me?
• What Happened to the Mouse?:
  • Richard disappears from the film after the other children arrive at Chartham Place.
  • Edna was supposed to come to Chartham Place to help the Robinsons look after the children but never arrived. Luckily for the Robinsons, Priscilla is more than happy to lend a hand.
• Women Are Wiser: The mothers of the children staying at Chartham Place understand much sooner than the fathers that it is wrong to constantly leave their children as much as they do.
• You Are Grounded!: After the children steal the Robinsons' car, David orders them to remain inside Chartham Place for two whole days.

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