Quotes / Caustic Critic

Film — Animation

"In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little, yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read."

— Anton Ego, Ratatouille

Film — Live-Action

Simon Skinner: Blower's fate was simply the result of his being... an appalling actor.
NWA Members: (in unison) Appalling!
Nicholas Angel: You murdered him for that?!
Skinner: Well, he murdered Bill Shakespeare.
Angel: What?! [Realizing] Oh, right.

— Hot Fuzz

(sirens wailing)
"Hi, I'm Leonard Maltin. And this is The Movie Police." *blows whistle*

— Gremlins 2: The New Batch

Literature

There are books of which the backs and covers are by far the best parts.

—Oliver Twist, by Charles Dickens

A 'critic' is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic in this; he is unbiased — he hates all creative people equally.

— Lazarus Long, Time Enough for Love

When we write criticism we have to be continually on our guard against this sort of thing. If we honestly believe a work to be very bad we cannot help hating it. The function of criticism, however, is ‘to get ourselves out of the way and let humanity decide’; not to discharge our hatred but to expose the grounds for it; not to vilify faults but to diagnose and exhibit them. Unfortunately to express our hatred and to revenge ourselves is easier and more agreeable. Hence there is a tendency to select our pejorative epithets with a view not to their accuracy but to their power of hurting. If writing which was intended to be comic has set our teeth on edge, how easily the adjectives arch or facetious trickle out of the pen! But if we do not know exactly what we mean by them, if we are not prepared to say how comic work which errs by archness and facetiousness differs from comic work which errs in any other way, it is to be feared that we are really using them not to inform the reader but to annoy the author—arch or facetious being among the most effective ‘smear-words’ of our period. In the same way work which obviously aspires and claims to be mature, if the critic dislikes it, will be called adolescent; not because the critic has really seen that its faults are those of adolescence but because he has seen that adolescence is the last thing the author wishes or expects to be accused of.

— C. S. Lewis, Studies in Words

Live-Action TV

Clive: There's no beginning to your talents.
Jeffrey: The old jokes are always the best.
Clive: Yes, I've read your books.

— Clive Anderson to MP-turned-novelist Jeffrey Archer, Clive Anderson Talks Back

Bright: He orders an Indian meal and then butchers the man who delivers it. Is he a lunatic of some sort?
Thursday: Food critic, sir.

—Endeavour, "Raga"

Lorne: I think the general angst is not so much about the review, but more about the reviewer. And, let's just say: It ain't Rex Reed.
Angel: What is it?
Lorne: It's evil... It's dark... It's merciless. Actually, now that I say it out loud, it sounds an awful lot like Rex, doesn't it?

— Angel, "Reprise"

"Where I'm from, they'd toss that thing in the barbecue pit."

— Abbie Carmichael on Perfect Woman No. 3, Law & Order

Adriana: Jon Favreau? He's great. He's also a writer. You should show him your script.
Christopher: Swingers? He can suck my dick. That swings too.

— The Sopranos, "D-Girl"

Nick Greenwald: Come on. Short stories don't make money. Short stories weren't making money back in 1908. You'd have to be mathematically illiterate to think they'd do as well as a novel... I — I'm sorry. I don't — I don't know why I said that.
Publisher: He's joking. Nick knows as well as anyone what you have done is art.
Nick: So is folding paper into animal shapes, but you don't expect to make a living off it. (notices nosebleed) I think something's wrong. That title was a mistake too. People are gonna compare you to Salinger, and ha ha! Boy, are you gonna come up short on that one! (collapses)

— House, "The Social Contract"

Music

What’s with this critic
So damn sadistic
Blaring on my frequency?
I feel my eardrums caving in
Screaming
“Get off my radio”
You’re fake and a liar
So don’t even try, yeah
You’ll just mess it up, you know?
So sick of listening, man
I just wish s/he’d
Get off my radio!

Yeah I got that creep
cursing at me
24/7
Wish s/he would just SHUT THE FUCK UP

Feeding me lies
Poison advice
Overanalysing every little thing - it never lets up
—>— RedHook, "The Critic"

Newspapers

When shall we have dramatic critics who will condemn ninety-five plays out of 100? (It makes little difference which ninety-five. They all need it.)

— Don Herold, Judge, "A Criticism of the Theatrical Criticism in this Morning’s Paper", published 1927.

Pauline Kael's two-part article on Citizen Kane reportedly began as a brief introduction to the published screenplay, but, like Topsy, it just grew and grew into a 50,000-word digression from Kane itself into the life and times and loves and hates and love-hates of Pauline Kael.

— Andrew Sarris on "Raising Kane"

I hated this movie. Hated, hated, hated, hated, hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.

— Roger Ebert review of North (extended edition)

The WB's claim that The Help is a "biting satire" is only half true. No, it's not a satire, but yes, it does indeed bite.

—Matthew Gilbert of The Boston Globe, on the short-lived TV series The Help

Video Games

Mew Mew Kissie Cutie 2 is neither kissy nor Cutie. It's trash. 0 Stars.

—Alphys, Undertale

"Of my first play, the Herald said: 'A dead whale has washed up at the Shubert Theater, and stinks a little more with each passing night.' The Tribune called my first opera as 'having the effect of canceling out all of Mozart's classics in a single caterwaul'."''

— Sander Cohen, Bioshock Infinite: Burial at Sea

George Stobbart: You're Laine, the critic, aren't you?
Hector Laine: Correct. Can't you see I'm busy?
George Stobbart: Busy? Doing what?
Hector Laine: Appreciating the art. Or depreciating it. I have a reputation to uphold.

— Broken Sword II: The Smoking Mirror

Web Animation

"Oh Yahtzee, we're looking forward to hearing your opinions on this one!" trilled several correspondents this week, and then they ran away like they just lit a firework, or pushed a friend into the girl's toilets, or thrown an unwanted child into a pen with a scary dog. OH, I SEE. No one wants me around when the new Call of Duty is training you to ignore yet another quality-recognition instinct, but the moment something comes along that offends what few atrophied taste buds you have left, suddenly I'm your personal attack gopher! Well, how do you know I don't actually really like Colonial Marines?! [-(I don't, it's fucking atrocious, but you'd have looked pretty silly if I had, wouldn't you?)

— Zero Punctuation, Aliens: Colonial Marines

Webcomics

"Take note. This guy hates things. That's how you know he has taste."

— Malaya, Shortpacked!, on the subject of Multiplex's Jason during a crossover

Dewey: Returning a book?
Library Patron: I just finished it.
Dewey: (points to garbage can) That's not a book return.
Library Patron: Consider it a review.

— Unshelved

Maelyn: Okay, I'll grant you that they're funny...that's the whole point, but they achieve that by taking something and nitpicking it to death, focusing on the most insignificant crap they can find. And then, because it has this big booming trailer voiceover guy doing it, it somehow takes on an air of authoritativeness, and people just watch it and say "Yep, uh-huh, that's true". It goes beyond simple criticism and just comes off as mean.
Dave: Isn't that literally exactly what you do all the time about everything?
Maelyn: Well sure, but because everyone thinks I'm an idiot, nobody actually takes my opinion seriously. Totally different.

— Real Life Comics, Nov. 24th, 2015

Web Original

This is what it sounds like when the sashimi-master is flipping his knives.

— Stan Persky on Gore Vidal's review of the Times best-seller list

Does Armond White simply have his own idiosyncratic opinions? Or is he a contrarian, a bomb thrower who’s deliberately out to rile people up? I would say that both are true, but for most people the contrarian label sums him up, and you often can’t tell where the fearless free-thinker leaves off and the bullying, didactic iconoclast begins.

— Owen Glieberman, "Why Armond White got kicked out of the New York Film Critics Circle"

Even the bears in those fucking Coke ads reckon it doesn’t feel Christmassy until the list goes up. “Movie blog is coming, movie blog is coming… Always loads’a nob gags…” I remember being a young’un, they’ll say, decades from now, when Millard, who you’ll better know as the most revered writer, film-maker and love-maker of his generation, was but a simple blogger. Dead inside as I may be now, one can’t help but be filled with festive cheer when thinking back to those lists, like that time he called Nick Love a cunt. Good old Millard. Such a shame what happened to him. Nasty business. Buried in an unmarked grave, to prevent desecrations.

— Stuart Millard, "Best and Worst of 2012"

Gregg: The 2008 Shia LaBeouf action flick Eagle Eye combined two [of my] betes noires: bottomless pits and single switches that destroy things.
Drew: It’s almost comforting to know that this opinion would have been useless even if Gregg Easterbrook had conceived of it six years ago. His preening idiocy is on a time release. Very excited for him to bitch about the inconsistencies of Blackhat in 2021. Hackers don’t look like that!

— Drew Magary, "Gregg Easterbrook is a Haughty Dipshit"

Sometimes people tell critics not to criticize the things they can't do. Personally, I know that I couldn't make a movie like this or Can't Stop the Music—and I consider that to be a character strength. Nonetheless, I know I can write a better script than the one used in this movie, because virtually anyone could.

— Jabootu on Highlander II: The Quickening

In 2014, Heigl lent her voice to the animated feature, The Nut Job.

Heigl + Nut Job = Instant Joke.

—LeBeau, "What the Hell Happened to Katherine Heigl?"

SPOILERS AHEAD, All of Them, BECAUSE THIS MOVIE CAN SNIFF MY HOLE.

— Lindy West, "Brett Ratner's Hercules Is Bullshit and I Will Never Forgive Him"

To be more clear, let's say there are four things that make a great lover. Most people might prefer dating a beautiful woman even after finding out a chicken is objectively better at all of them. So I'm not saying you're wrong if you disagree with my thoughts on GTA V; I'm only saying you're a chicken fucker.

— Seanbaby, "5 Things Critics Love About GTAV (That Actually Suck)"

Probably the best moment was when the end credits came up. Then I could start assigning blame.

— Joe Ford on Star Trek: Voyager, "Repression"

And for all that this review has been, basically, an unceasing torrent of abuse heaped upon the episode, it probably doesn’t even deserve that, except inasmuch as a review has to have something, and I can’t quite capture the vague sensation of wishing this were over so I could go grab dinner in text, so anger will have to do.

— El Sandifer on Doctor Who, "Before the Flood"

Web Video

Please tell me why
HBomberguy's
Disappointed by an anime
Reach for the sky
HBomberguy's
Gonna tell us why
RWBY is lame

—Anime intro, "RWBY Is Disappointing, And Here's Why"

"Is that how we critique movies nowadays? By just ranting and nitpicking about all the individual moments we hated?"

— James Rolfe, "Top 10 Sequels That Aren’t As Bad As Everyone Says"

"Y'know, I could spend ten hours talking about how dumb this entire sequence is, but I'm gonna try to do it in nine."

— Mr. Plinkett

"I know who you are. I know what you want. If you're trying to sell me a ticket, I can tell you I don't have money. —I mean, like, except maybe for the matinée or something. But what I do have are a very annoying set of skills; skills I have acquired over an extended and yet wasted adolescence. Skills that make me a nightmare for movies like you. The first one was ridiculous but fun, I'll admit, and if you let it go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not dwell on it, I will not pursue it. But if you make a pointless sequel, I will look for it. I will find it. And I will review it."

— Moviebob on Taken 2

"This is fuckin' Coop. But I'm gonna call him 'Poop'. I don't care. That's why I get paid to be a critic, and you don't."

— Allison Pregler on Charmed Season Eight

"I have neither the time or the inclination to explain myself to a mob who rises and sleeps demanding to know my opinion of every goddamn thing in the world, and then questions the manner in which I provide it! I would rather you just say "Thank you". And click on an ad along the way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a camera and make a blog post. Either way, I don't GIVE A DAMN! WHAT YOU THINK! YOU'RE ENTITLED TO!" (leaves)

— Noah Antwiler on Survivor Series 2014

So there, I said some good things about the game, but that's all anybody ever talks about is the good things. The bad things? Well, that's my job."

— The Angry Video Game Nerd, "The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask (N64) - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)"

Bennett Foddy: "You are sure to be happy again. To know this, which is certainly true, will make you some less miserable now. — Abraham Lincoln."
Dunkey: "This one's for you, Abraham Lincoln! This one's for—Gah! (falls to the bottom) This game sucks dick. — Videogamedunky."

—videogamedunkey on Getting Over It with Bennett Foddy

Western Animation

"If you wanna be a genius, it's easy! All you gotta say is 'Everything stinks,' then you're never wrong."

— Wilbur Cobb, The Ren & Stimpy Show, "Stimpy's Cartoon"

Every episode of this show should be tossed in a dumpster and set on fire! The Patrick Show is a crime against humanity, and-and-and everyone involved with it should be thrown in jail! Patrick for starring in it, Squidina for producing it, and the lawnies for watching it!

— Bubble Bass reviewing Patrick's show, The Patrick Star Show, “Bubble Bass Reviews”

Real Life

I have received your new book against the human race, and thank you for it. Never was such a cleverness used in the design of making us all stupid. One longs, in reading your book, to walk on all fours. But as I have lost that habit for more than sixty years, I feel unhappily the impossibility of resuming it.

— Voltaire, erm... thanking Rousseau for his copy of The Social Contract

There are two ways to dislike poetry: One is to dislike it; the other is to read Pope.

— Oscar Wilde

I am not a constructive critic.

— H. L. Mencken

There must be criticism, for humor, to my mind, is encapsulated in criticism.

— Dorothy Parker

The film concludes with ... the most nauseatingly luscious, the most penetratingly vulgar mammy song that it has ever been my lot to hear. My flesh crept as the loud speaker poured out those sodden words, the greasy, sagging melody. I felt ashamed of myself for listening to such things, for even being a member of the species to which such things are addressed.

— Aldous Huxley, "Silence is Golden"

For a lot of people, their first love is what they'll always remember. For me it's always been the first hate, and I think that hatred, though it provides often rather junky energy, is a terrific way of getting you out of bed in the morning and keeping you going. If you don't let it get out of hand, it can be canalized into writing.

— Christopher Hitchens

Editor: I guess you didn't know that Terry is like a son to me.
Pauline Kael: Tough shit, Bill.

—regarding a negative review of Badlands

"A weak two star rating is an absolute maximum that this self-parodic pile of derivative garbage merits, believe me; if not for the fact that a small bunch of these songs are damn catchy, I would have gladly given it but one. Apparently, Uriah Heep wanted very much to be cool from the very beginning, and in desperate search of success they ripped off every popular style of 1970, including riff-heavy metal ('Gypsy'), Southern blues ('Lucy's Blues'), the most pathetic aspects of Bee Gees-style balladeering ('Come Away Melinda'), embryonic progressive rock ('Dreammare', 'Wake Up'), and retro boogie ('Real Turned On'). Amazingly, they blew it on all counts - I wasn't expecting all that much from their debut record, but I sure was expecting more than I got."

— George Starostin on Uriah Heep's Very 'Eavy Very 'Umble

When I'm labeled 'contrarian' it means all other reviewers are sheep & sell-outs.

— Armond White, October 18, 2013 twitter

Never was a film more accurately named. If you pay money to go and see Pirates of the Caribbean it's your own fault and you're bringing down the collapse of western civilisation.

— Mark Kermode on Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End

"There are two kinds of dramatic critics: destructive and constructive. I am a destructive. There are two kinds of guns: Krupp and pop."

— George Jean Nathan

"You probably didn't know I had groupies: neither did I until, visiting a 'GamesFair' at Reading U to chat with White Dwarf and Imagine staff (and to glug cheap beer at the Students' Union, be honest Langford), I encountered a little knot of fans who appeared to have read and memorized every dismissive remark ever made in my WD review column. 'You really put the knife into Donaldson,' they enthused. 'And the way you stomped on Hubbard – great! Didn't like the last column much, though – s bit wishy-washy.' It dawned on me that this lot didn't want to see my book praised, even if it were the greatest thing since sliced golfballs. They merely wanted blood. They wanted an outrageous Langford performance.

Which is slightly depressing when, however addicted to abusive hyperbole when the mood is on me, I have tried to be reasonably honest. Even, good grief, objective in spots. It would have been fun to set the verbal demolition squads on the new Frank Herbert, while avoiding the bother of reading the damned thing ... and abusive reviews are easier to write anyway.... Unfortunately I blew it, by peeping into Heretics of Dune and finding it not too bad at all. Tough luck, groupies."

— David Langford, Cloud Chamber 35

"There is only one thing worse than being served a terrible meal: being served a terrible meal by earnest waiters who have no idea just how awful the things they are doing to you are. And so, to the flagship Michelin three-star restaurant of the George V Hotel in Paris, or the scene of the crime as I now like to call it. In terms of value for money and expectation Le Cinq supplied by far the worst restaurant experience I have endured in my 18 years in this job. This, it must be said, is an achievement of sorts.

The dining room, deep in the hotel, is a broad space of high ceilings and coving, with thick carpets to muffle the screams. It is decorated in various shades of taupe, biscuit and fuck you. There’s a little gilt here and there, to remind us that this is a room designed for people for whom guilt is unfamiliar. It shouts money much as football fans shout at the ref. There’s a stool for the lady’s handbag. Well, of course there is.
...
Other things are the stuff of therapy. The canapé we are instructed to eat first is a transparent ball on a spoon. It looks like a Barbie-sized silicone breast implant, and is a “spherification”, a gel globe using a technique perfected by Ferran Adrià at El Bulli about 20 years ago. This one pops in our mouth to release stale air with a tinge of ginger. My companion winces. “It’s like eating a condom that’s been left lying about in a dusty greengrocer’s,” she says.
...
I have spent sums like this on restaurant experiences before, and have not begrudged it. We each of us build our best memories in different ways, and some of mine involve expensive restaurants. But they have to be good. This one will also leave me with memories. They are bleak and troubling. If I work hard, one day, with luck, I may be able to forget."

— Jay Rayner, The Guardian, 9th April 2017

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