A simple "no" would've sufficed.
If a Deadpan Snarker is asked to do something that they can't (or don't want to) make happen, they have many options for a response. They can give a Blunt "No". They can laugh in their face first. They can give the Silent Treatment until the person asking them gets the hint and shuts up. Or, they can answer in kind with something they consider to be equally unlikely.
The Ridiculous Counter-Request is when someone responds to a demand by sarcastically stating an absurd or fantastical desire of their own, to illustrate how unlikely or futile they consider the demand to be. The original request can be literally impossible, incredibly unlikely, or just something the responder really, really doesn't want to do. The exchange often follows the following format:
Alice: Bob, I'd like a raise.
Bob: Yeah, and I'd like to win the lottery, but we can't get everything we wish for.
Bob: Yeah, and I'd like to win the lottery, but we can't get everything we wish for.
Common themes for the response include wishing to become wealthy or achieve some world-renowned feat. Men in particular are likely to talk about fulfilling a sexual fantasy, usually involving a Celebrity Crush. Alternately, they can just ask for something blatantly impossible or paradoxical, or something they wanted in the past that they clearly never got (like a gift they wanted as a child or a Tragic Dream they never fulfilled). If the person they're talking to is particularly Sarcasm-Blind, they may have to follow it up by saying something to the effect of "Life Isn't Fair" or "But you don't hear me whining about it."
Not to be confused with an Impossible Task, though an impossible task may be sarcastically suggested. If the sarcastic request actually ends up being fulfilled, see Cue the Flying Pigs.
Compare And I'm the Queen of Sheba, Ask a Stupid Question..., and Is the Answer to This Question "Yes"?
Examples:
open/close all folders
Comic Books
- Trolls de Troy: While in a cell, the troll chieftain says he wants to speak to the warlord holding them prisoner. The guard answers, "And I want to frolic among the Darshanid shah's harem."
Comic Strips
- Calvin and Hobbes: Susie Derkins does this while talking to herself after Calvin is mean to her. She wishes she had a hundred friends to play with so she wouldn't care what Calvin said to her. But in the last panel she sits down sadly and says "...And as long as I'm dreaming, I'd like a pony."
- Garfield:
- One strip
has Jon having this conversation with himself. He wishes Garfield wouldn't attack the mailman, and when Garfield does just that, Jon adds that he also wishes for a million dollars and a new car.
- Another strip has Jon feeling depressed and wanting Garfield to cheer him up.
Jon: I could use a hug!
Garfield: I could use a Lamborghini, but you don't hear me whining.
- One strip
Fan Works
- A Darker Path: When Ravager contacts Atropos and tells her that she wants Mouse Protector dead, Atropos replies, "I want to see Morgan Freeman narrate The Princess Bride. We don't always get what we want."
Films — Live-Action
- Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me: When Ivana Humpalot says her name and Austin thinks she's making a request, he replies:
Austin: Yeah, and I want a toilet made out of solid gold. It's just not in the cards now, is it?
- Deadpool 2: When the X-Force prepares to jump out of a helicopter, Peter has second thoughts.
Peter: I'd like to go home.
Deadpool: And I'd like the McRib to be available year-round, but sometimes dreams don't come true! - Death Race: While Jensen Ames is learning about the rules and competitors he'll face in the eponymous race, he finds out that he'll be meeting his navigator, Case, the next morning.
Jensen: I'd love to talk to her ahead of time, before the race.
Gunner: Yeah, I'd like a big-tittied girl to lick peanut butter off my toes, but it ain't gonna happen. - The Death of Stalin: An exchange between Nikita Khrushchev and Josef Stalin's son Vasily in the wake of Stalin's death:
Vasily: I want to make a speech at my father's funeral!
Khrushchev: And I want to fuck Grace Kelly. - Descendants 2: Ursula's daughter Uma doesn't take kindly to angry customers.
Customer: Hey! I wanted the fried clams!
Uma: And I wanted a sea pony. Life ain't fair!
Literature
- The Adventures of Amina al-Sirafi: A man asked the demon Raksh for legendary fame and fortune far beyond Raksh's power to provide, so Raksh sarcastically asked for his soul as payment. Unfortunately for them both, he agreed. Magically Binding Contracts don't recognize sarcasm, and the unfulfillable deal destroyed the man's soul.
Raksh: I laughed at him. Said, "Sure, I shall find you a gilded cave of kingly treasure and forgotten magical cure-alls. All it will cost is your soul." It was a jest. Then he said yes.
Live-Action TV
- American Housewife: Oliver, who is often characterized as a Spoiled Brat, asks his parents for $480 Golden Goose sneakers. In response, his parents laugh and start listing off absurdly expensive things they want too:
Katie: Greg, I want a yacht. What do you want?
Greg: I want a Lamborghini!
Katie: I want...
Oliver: Okay, okay, I get it! - The Brink: In a conversation between Larson and President Navarro about a plan to destroy compromised Pakistani nuclear sites:
President Navarro: I want zero civilian casualties.
Larson: Yeah, and I want to fuck Scarlett Johansson. - Community: In "A Fistful of Paintballs", Annie turns down Jeff's desire to talk to her while lampshading having to wear a Stripperiffic costume.
Abed: Jeff wants to see you.
Annie: Yeah? And I want pants. A lot of people want a lot of things. - Firefly: In "Serenity", Mal is in a hurry to get in and out of Persephone because they were spotted on an illegal salvage job by an Alliance warship during The Teaser. Kaylee says she wants to take time to find some replacement parts for the ship, and Mal blows her off, wanting to focus on getting some quick passenger fares instead. He will come to regret not listening to her in "Out of Gas".
Kaylee: I'd sure love to find a brand new compression coil for the steamer.
Mal: And I'd like to be King of all Londiniumnote and wear a shiny hat. - iCarly: An exchange between Sam and Freddy in "iBalls":
Freddie: I just wanted people to think I was creative.
Sam: And I wanted a mom without stretch marks. That ain't happening. - Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: In "Responsible," Luke Young and John Munch have the following exchange after Luke is arrested and put in jail:
Luke Young: You can't do this to me. I want my parents!
John Munch: Yeah, and I want the troops home, the Kyoto Protocol signed, and a Tijuana oil job from Miss February. - Phoenix Nights: In one episode, a heckler named Stu starts an argument with Jerry. The wheelchair-bound club leader Brian breaks up the argument and orders Stu to Get Out!
Stu: I'm not leavin' until I get a refund!
Brian: Did ya hear that, Jerry? You best make him a bed up.
Stu: I want my money back!
Brian: I wanna moonwalk, son, but life's a shithouse! Out! - Scrubs:
- A patient is afraid of using anesthesia during surgery, and wants to use hypnosis instead.
Turk: And I wanna have sex with Beyonce tonight instead of my wife, but that ain't gonna happen either.
- Then Turk tells Dr. Cox the patient wants to use hypnosis instead of anesthesia.
- A patient is afraid of using anesthesia during surgery, and wants to use hypnosis instead.
- Smallville: After the bald Lex Luthor imprisons Impulse:
Impulse: I want a lawyer.
Lex: And I want a ponytail. Disappointment abounds. - The Sopranos:
- In the season one finale, Tony's uncle Junior is arrested on federal racketeering charges. The FBI wants him to flip and agree to testify against the New York mob leaders:
FBI Interrogator: We want Johnny Sack. But more than him, we want Mangano and Teresi.
Junior: I wanna fuck Angie Dickinson, let's see who gets lucky first. - In "Pine Barrens," Paulie cracks a joke in this format to Christopher while they're starving and subsisting on leftover ketchup packets:
Christopher: We shoulda stopped at Roy Rogers.
Paulie: And I shoulda fucked Dale Evans, but I didn't!note
- In the season one finale, Tony's uncle Junior is arrested on federal racketeering charges. The FBI wants him to flip and agree to testify against the New York mob leaders:
- Veep: In Season 6, Jonah Ryan and Roger Furlong get in an argument when Jonah demands a better Congressional office.
Jonah: Well now, I want a new office!
Roger: And I want Rihanna to put a gun to my head while she makes me eat her out, but guess what, that's about as likely to happen as Will's wife putting a baby in her polyp festival of a uterus!
Video Games
- Deus Ex: Human Revolution: When meeting Chet Wagner:
Adam Jensen: I want to know about the Sarif Industries case.
Chet Wagner: Haha. And I want a blowjob and a vintage '05 Bard GT, so I guess we both keep on dreaming, eh? Metalhead?! - God of War Ragnarök: During a conversation between Kratos and Mimir:
Mimir: What are you thinking, brother?
Kratos: I am thinking... I want things to be the way they were.
Mimir: Well... I'd like to climb a tree again. Certain ships have sailed.
Webcomics
- Something*Positive: In a D&D game, Rory's character has an NPC goblin henchman named Grundle to pick up a potentially trapped item. The DM gives Grundle a sarcastic attitude due to being overworked and underpaid:
Rory's elf: Grundle, I want you to grab the ruby eye for me.
Grundle: And I want you to choke on my goblin balls. We all got wants.
Web Videos
- In the Brandon Rogers video "Helen the Hall Monitor", self-professed Hope Crusher Helen says the following to a student sharing what they want to be when they grow up:
Helen: You wanna become what? A doctor? I wanted to become a ballerina, and you know what I became? HIV positive.
Western Animation
- Animaniacs: In "Soccer Coach Slappy", Slappy does this to herself as she talks about reluctantly coaching Skippy's soccer team at the beginning of the episode. She says she'd like to say how happy she is to take up the role of their coach, then she follows it up with "I'd also like to be stuck on a deserted island with Morey Amsterdam, but I'm not."
- Gravity Falls: In "Carpet Diem", when Dipper and Mabel request separate rooms:
Dipper: Grunkle Stan, we want different rooms.
Stan: Ha! And I want a pair of magic money pants. It's not gonna happen.
Mabel: [confused] Magic money pants...? - The Looney Tunes Show: In "Double Date," when a couple at a restaurant mistake Daffy Duck for the maître d':
Man: We'd like a table for two.
Daffy: Great. I'd like a pair of solid gold pants, but I'm not bugging you about it. - Ninjago: During their interrogation of Sons of Garmadon member Luke Cunningham, they ask him to talk, only for him to respond by requesting ice cream and saying they can't get everything they want.
- Rugrats: In "Angelica the Magnificent", Angelica does magic tricks, and the babies think she turned Lil into a butterfly. She tries to change Lil back, to no avail.
Phil: But I want my sister!
Angelica: And I want a pony. You can't always get what you want. - The Simpsons: In "Homer vs. Dignity", Homer asks Comic Book Guy for a mint-condition copy of Spider-Man #1. Comic Book Guy retorts that he'd like an hour on the holodeck with Seven of Nine.
- The Venture Bros.:
- In a conversation between Billy Quizboy and Col. Hunter Gathers in a flashback in "The Invisible Hand of Fate":
Col. Gathers: Congratulations lad, you're a fully matriculated student at State University.
Billy: I kinda wanted to go to MIT.
Col. Gathers: And I wanted to be born with big, beautiful tits! - Another episode "Escape to the House of Mummies Part II" has this exchange in the Previously on… segment for the nonexistent "Part I":
Head cultist: Give me the Hand of Osiris.
Rusty: Give me head.
- In a conversation between Billy Quizboy and Col. Hunter Gathers in a flashback in "The Invisible Hand of Fate":
