World's Dumbest... / Funny

World's Dumbest... obviously shows clips of people failing at something, and those shows can really have some funny moments, whether it be the clips themselves or the commentators. The folders below have descriptions added.

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Animal Encounters (When nature takes a bite out of stupidity.)

The infamous story of soap opera actor Fabio getting hit in the face by a goose while riding the Apollo's Chariot ride in Busch Gardens. Especially the bit where Godfrey pretends to be the goose.
Godfrey: "Honk! He has no talent! Honk! I hate Fabio!" Boom! And all the other geese are like, "Yeah! Honk, honk, honk, honk!"
Brad: You know how they take pictures when they reach the top? I hope it took the picture at that moment. I would be like, "I'll take the one of Fabio eating the duck."
- What makes it funnier is that since there's no footage of the exact moment the goose hit Fabio, the show did their own version of it using poorly done animation.
Cobra Day. A festival where people put their lives on the line by provoking king cobras.
Chuck: They're not pets! They're trying to kill you!
The number one clip shows a raccoon named Willie living in a man's walls and the man yells at him like they're an old married couple.
A pet kangaroo in Buffalo, New York escapes from its owners during a wintery day. Godfrey thinks that maybe it escaped for a reason.
Godfrey: That's why the kangaroo was trying to leave! It was in Buffalo! It knew it was in Buffalo! Have you been to Buffalo? It sucks!
One clip showed Charlie, a chimpanzee from a South African zoo who has a bad habit of smoking. This is the result of him learning how to smoke by watching zoo patrons and said zoo patrons throwing their cigarettes into his enclosure. And he's not only smoking, he's inhaling as well.
One clip showed a safari tour going horribly wrong when a troop of baboons runs up to the truck and start stealing the tourists' food. The poor kids are traumatized and the narrator says that they probably won't be reading Bedtime For Bonzo any time soon.
Loni: Next time, just take them to Chuck E. Cheese's so they won't have to see a baboon's raw pink ass up close.

Brawlers (Here's a fight. Repeat 19 times. Roll credits. Repeat first three steps way too many times.)

From "Brawlers 2":
- The build-up to #15, where Michael Loftus hypes up topless mud wrestling. Everyone is expecting a girl fight, but then it's revealed to be two fat guys.
  Todd: DAMN!
  Nick: Two fat guys in the mud banging bellies. If I want to see that, I'd go to my uncle's house for Thanksgiving.
- Clip #14 features a rude neighbor of Richard Heene, getting into a fight with annoying reporters that are there to cover the Balloon Boy story. After aggressively walking up to and confronting a reporter that irked him, another reporter comes at him from behind and puts him in a full nelson.
  Neighbor: (On the phone with police) Yeah, I'm about to get in a fight with 20 people right here, if you guys don't show up.
  - The fake ad for a spinoff TV Show starring the neighbor.
    Announcer: This summer on TruTV... Balloon Boy's neighbor learns it's hard to get ahead when everyone's attacking you... from behind.
    Neighbor: From behind?! You jumped on me from behind?!
- Kevin's comment on the girl fight for #11, which the girls apparently put off for a week:
  Kevin: Hey, I'm mad enough to beat your head in, but I can wait till Thursday at 4.
- Regarding a fight between two cyclists at #4:
  Mike T: Road rage isn't just for people driving cars, people driving lamer things can fight too.
  - The cyclists trying to wrestle out of each other's headlocks, complete with nasally-sounding voiceovers for the two brawlers.
- The fight between three strippers and two older women at a Britney Spears concert.
  Loni: Peroxide is flying everywhere.
  Chuck: Semi-clothed Britney, please stop attacking anti-Semitic Britney.
  Mike T: Guys...Guys... What would Britney do? (Beat) Oh no, you're right, she'd probably do that.
- One clip from England shows some ruffians attempting to bully one of their neighbors, with one of the young punks getting right up in the guys face. What the punk doesn’t know is the guy he’s trying to pick on is a Gulf War veteran with black belts in karate and jujitsu. The second he tries taking swings at him, the veteran lays him out with one punch. As the punk stumbles away, his friends, in a smart decision, simply close the neighbors gate and walk away.
- For the #1 spot, a shirtless drunk guy gets in an argument with his girlfriend.
  Mike T: Lady, I wouldn't mess with this guy. He's already wearing the domestic disturbance uniform.
  - The picture◊ of a shirtless guy with a beer gut... with Nick's face pasted over it.
  - The fight apparently started after Fred Johnson told the guy that his girlfriend was cheating on him.
    Billy: Oh, don't believe Fred Johnson. Fred Johnson says that about everybody.
From "Brawlers 8":
- Clip #14, two men are thrown out of an Irish pub. When one of them tries to sneak back in, the bouncer pushes him away.
  Guy: Are you f***ng kidding me?
  Jaime Andrews: Are you f***ng kidding me? I am wearing a blazer!
- Clip #11, a girl fight with a very enthusiastic bystander.
  Bystander: The white bitches is winning!
  Chelsea: That white bitch at the bottom of the pile does not look like she's winning. The angle of her feet doesn't indicate a win.
- Clip #8, a woman gets irrationally angry at an elderly bus driver, eventually culminating in her slapping him.
  Loni: When someone comes on your bus looking like Cleopatra Jones, you watch 'em.
  [....]
  Woman: You are lucky I am not being violent right now.
  John Enos: (after the woman slaps the bus driver) Lucky she wasn't violent, 'cause she probably would've skinned him alive (the clip of the woman slapping the bus driver plays again with "Psycho" Strings accompanying it) and worn his face around the neighborhood.
- Clip #7, a man organizes a men vs women fight club, where skinny white guys fight fat women:
  John Enos: First rule of Fat Girl Fight Club: there is no Fat Girl Fight Club. Second rule of Fat Girl Fight Club: fat girls do not eat their opponents.
  [....]
  Cameraman: This is no bullsh*t.
  Kevin: I disagree, sir, because no matter how this ends, it is some bullsh*t.
  Mike T: Do they have a bunch of fat chicks in red T-shirts sitting on the back of a pick-up truck? "Now, you, you next. You fight him."
  Daniel Baldwin: That's why you always need to establish a safe word. Before things get rough.
- The absolute entirety of the Estonian mushroom vendor who tries to fight off Finnish police officers while continuously demanding for them to get him a lawyer.
  Mike T.: (as police officer) Oh, he has green box! Call backup!
- Clip #3, appropriately named "Slope Dopes", features a skier that picks a fight with some snowboarders.
  Rob Delaney: There's nobody to root for. There's like the douchebag taking his shirt off to fight, and then the dad wanting to fight in front of his kids.
- Clip #2, after a boxing match, a random guy jumps in the ring to take a couple swings at the winner. The sound effects added in really make this one.
  Wes: Maybe he thought it was like WWE, and he just got tapped in.
- Clip #1 features two white guys fighting over a bong.
  Chelsea: The Suburban Theatre Repertoire Presents: "Dude, You Stole My Bong."
  Brawler 1: Bro, you stole my bong!
  Chelsea: I love this play.
From "Brawlers 10":
- For the #19 spot, the narrator adopts a Southern accent to explain the context of the fight.
  Narrator: This young Southern squire has lost his sweetheart to another bull. Now the wronged gentleman must defend his most precious possession. No, not his pick-up truck; his honor.
  - Brendon Walsh referring to the fighters as "Headband" and "Longpants".
  - Frank Stallone saying he'd kick both the fighter' asses.
- Clip #16, a girl fight at a fast-food restaurant where at one point, a girl takes off her shoes to continue the fight.
  Brad Loekle: You're taking off your shoes? What are you, the Mr. Rogers of whoop-ass?
- Clip #14 features Joey Boots provoking a Michael Jackson impersonator.
  Fake Michael: You have ten seconds to get away from me, buddy.
  Joey: What are ya gonna do?
  Fake Michael: You'll find out in ten seconds.
  Joey: Are you gonna moonwalk all over me?
  Fake Michael: I'm not gonna moonwalk.
  [....]
  Kevin: What kind of D-list cameraman paparazzi douchebag do you have to be, to be bothering fake Michael Jackson?
  Chuck: I just want to see him hit this guy and say "Who's bad!"
  Mike Britt: I was waiting for the OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, but it didn't happen man.
- Clip #9, a guy decides to throw water in the face of his sleeping friend while pretending to hold an exorcism. The friend then gets pissed, strips naked for no reason, and tries to beat up the guy who threw the water with an acoustic guitar.
  Mike T: Look, you got water on my face, now I gotta show you my penis. Them's the breaks.
  [....]
  Billy: Just from a layman's perspective, it looks to me like the exorcism was a miserable failure.
  Voiceover: Dude, your nudity is evil.
- #5 features a guy in a monkey suit getting tackled on a baseball field by some random fan.
  Mike T: There goes the other team's mascot, the Punk Kid. (gets tackled by the guy)
- Regarding #3, an argument between two adults in Sacramento, California, over a bike tire...
  Loni: What is Kenny Rogers and Toby Keith doing?
A clip from "Brawlers 6" has some guys shot at a duck pond of a white duck and a black duck attacking each other.
Daniel Baldwin: It was only a matter of time before Donald and Daffy's professional relationship became violent.
Mike Britt: Who knew there was racial tension in the duck world?
- Nick seems to be a little leery of the clip from the start:
  Nick: You're runnin' through a park scarin' ducks. Why don't you try somethin', I don't know, maybe girls? Sports?
From "Brawlers 6", a woman pulls up at a McDonald's in the wee hours of New Year's morning, asking for some chicken nuggets. But when informed they don't serve chicken this early in the morning, only the breakfast menu, she goes crazy and tries to break her way in through the drive-up window. She drives away, but she's later arrested and charged with vandalism.
Daisy: (dressed as an employee) Tonya Harding! Tonya Harding is attacking me through the window! Get the manager!
From "Brawlers 9", a man confronts another after being pushed in the subway, repeatedly proclaiming he's a psycho of some sort. The other man couldn't care less, as he nonchalantly reads a book.
- Also from "Brawlers 9", they play a video of an old man being pranked into thinking that he's being audited by the IRS. He doesn't react well. You can watch the full prank here to see it all unfold, uncensored. Here's World's Dumbest's coverage of the prank:

(The video starts with Michael looking over a PDF of the fake audit letter.)

Michael: Dad thinks he's getting his income tax in..

Narrator: Michael has decided to play a prank on his father by mocking up a fake letter from the IRS...

(The video cuts to Michael's father (A.K.A.: Angry Grandpa) sitting at a table...)

Michael: Well, you got a letter today...

Grandpa: (Already mad) I'm not opening any mail, what the fuck?!

Michael: Dude, will you relax?! It's important, and you need to read it.

Grandpa: ...Well, give me the motherfucker!

Kevin McCaffrey: Oh, good! He's already angry just about the concept of recieving mail! I'm sure this will end well.

(A drumroll plays as Grandpa opens and reads the letter.)

Grandpa: Hey, this motherfucker's from IRS... No... Fuck NO! DID YOU DO MY TAXES RIGHT?!

Michael: I don't know how to work TurboTax, I'm not-

Grandpa: DID YOU?! MOTHERFUCK, THEY'RE HOLDIN' UP MY GODDAMN MONEY!

Michael: I know, dad!

Grandpa: THEY'RE AUDITING MY MOTHERFUCKIN' ASS!

Mike Trainor: (Impersonating Grandpa, his head is edited onto a screenshot of Grandpa) YOU TELL ME MY BEER BOTTLE WAS A WRITE-OFF! IF IT'S NOT A WRITE-OFF, I'LL KILL YOU!

(The video cuts to Grandpa out of his seat, fuming...)

Grandpa: Get out of my goddamn way- GETOUTTAMYWAY!!!

(Grandpa walks up to drying machine for his laundry, holding a crowbar. He begins to attack the dryer with the crowbar.)

Grandpa: GODDAMN TAXES!! YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!! GODDAMN!! MOTHER... FUCK YOU!!!

Michael: There's clothes in there!

Grandpa: I DON'T GIVE A GODDAMN!

Kevin McCaffrey: Oh, THAT'LL show the IRS! You'll be wearing wet clothes from now on. Damn you!

Michael: What are you doing?!

Grandpa: (Momentarily stopping to nurse his hand, which he banged on the dryer...) GODDAMN, THAT HURT! (Goes back to destroying his dryer.) GODDAMN IRS!

Daniel Baldwin: (Dressed like Grandpa, crowbar and all) YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS?! HOW 'BOUT YOU, DISHWASHER?! YOU WANNA TASTE A LITTLE CROWBAR?!

Michael: Oh, my god!

Grandpa: FUCK THIS GODDAMN THING!

Marianne Sierk: Somebody please tell him. Somebody please tell him now. Joke's over.

(The video cuts to a close-up of Grandpa's mouth after he destroyed his dryer.)

Michael: Relax! It was a prank!

Grandpa: PRANK, MY MOTHERFUCKING ASS!

Michael: No, it was a prank!

Grandpa: THAT WAS FROM IRS!!!

Michael: I made it on the computer!

Chuck Nice: It was a joke! A joke! Now come on, let's all crack up like they do at the end of sitcoms!

(Cut to the same shot of Grandpa screaming "PRANK, MY MOTHERFUCKING ASS!!" with a Laugh Track playing over it.)

Narrator: Michael survives the meltdown, the dryer does not.

Todd Bridges: Best thing about this, when he gets his real IRS check, he's buying his ass a new dryer.

The whole animated parody of Danny Bonaduce's infamous transvestite hooker incident in "Brawlers 13".
Danny: So I take off, I beat the cops to my house, I run upstairs and think, 'What'll I do, what'll I do, what'll I do? I know! I'll dive in the closet and pull dirty clothes over myself!'
The entire "Nodding Turtles" clip, made all the more hilarious with the voice-over dub, having the turtles chant, "Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya!" as they nod at one another.
Chuck: They look like two black schoolgirls havin' an argument!
A "Brawlers 14" clip featuring a man fighting a Canada goose that snatched a woman's purse.
Chris F.: Seems you got A-flack'd.
Leif: En garde, you silly goose! After I finish with you, I'm gonna turn ya into pate!
The gang commenting on the climactic fight scene from Undefeatable about a man and a woman fighting another man, pushing him into a meat hook, blinding and killing him.
Kevin: That's why you should bring safety goggles when you fight at a meatpacker.
Daisy: (commenting on the woman): That transvestite knows how to fight!
Two Russian teenagers get into a fistfight. It ends when one of them grabs his opponent's penis and refuses to let go until he surrenders.
Brad: By Russian law, those two are now married.
From "Brawlers 14", a Sydney man runs afoul of a prostitute to avoid paying for sex, his suit being totally ruined. Let's say all of this had to do with the fact the hooker had a little...surprise.
The Greg Wilson: (In the background, we can see someone with Judy's face pasted on) You're not a sheila! You're a heila!
From "Brawlers 13", a couple of teenagers decide to imitate Jackass by doing the classic "blow an airhorn at a golf course" prank. But, when they decide to make a getaway, one of them realizes he left his jacket at the hiding spot. When he tries to retrieve it, the golfers take their revenge by whacking him with telescopic ball retrievers. Unfortunately for the golfers, the kid recording the whole thing shows the video to his parents and they are arrested for child abuse.

Competitions (Things you're better off not doing)

Daniel Baldwin and John Enos running out into traffic while wearing sumo suits in "Competitions 5". Comedy gold.
Chuck Nice giggling and clapping his hands like a schoolchild at Fort Boyard, the French game show in "Competitions 5" — one that involved busty women in low cut tops crawling over a pipe.
Chuck: It's the best show ever!
A "Competitions 5" clip from England of — a snail race.
- Judy offers up her alternative:
  Judy: Okay, you can start the snail race, go out to dinner, see a movie, come back, and the snail's in the same fucking place as it was when it started.
- At one point, a pair of snails stop racing and start mating with each other.
  Loni: Uh, those two don't look like they're racing, they look like they gettin' it on.
  Mike T.: That's always fun when you have to explain things to your kids, like, "Why are the snails hurting each other, Daddy?" "Ugh, oh God, this is gonna be a long car ride home..."
The race that begins at the bottom of the Empire State Building...and ends all the way at the tippy top. It doesn't take long for the racers to become exhausted and stop running and start walking. The commentators all agree that it pretty much loses its charm after climbing only a few flights of stairs. The weirdest part? One of the racers was an old man wearing no shirt!
Loni: He made it, took him a few years but he made it!
- And at the end, one of the racers is so exhausted, one has to hope he took the elevator down. The voiceover dub is hilarious as well.
  "Racer": My cheeks burn!
  Leif: Let me tell you, does your butt burn? Hello, hello, hello. But in a good way. Suppose there is any other way.
  "Racer": Oh, my ass cheeks burn like the fire of Moses!
In "Competitions 4", there is one clip that showed a mascot race. Leif compares this to a drug trip.
Leif: It's like an acid trip of sorts. You wake up, and you see these oversized stuffed animals racing each other over steeples. [a clip of the racing mascots is shown while psychedelic music plays] Oh! That was so painful!
- The commentators say that there are two problems with this race: first is that their costumes are so hot and second is that the masks make it hard to see where they're going. Case in point: one of the mascots ends up falling over because he has trouble keeping his mask on...and the other mascots just run over him.
The Cooper's Hill Cheese Rolling event. A giant wheel of cheese is rolled down the hill and the people chase after it. Enough said. And you know that the event is guaranteed to cause injuries when there are paramedics waiting for the racers at the bottom of the hill.
The commentators compare Nakizumo, the festival where Sumo wrestlers compete to make babies cry the loudest and longest, to child abuse.
Chuck Nice: Here's a message from the babies. If I poop my pants, I will cry. If I'm hungry, I will cry. Keep the fat dudes away.
A contest involves people tossing tuna as far as they can (just like the hammer throw at the Olympics), leaving a lot of fish to rot.
In "Competitions 4" we see an unusual football match with cars pushing a giant ball.
Kevin: This game is like soccer, but they score touchdowns as in football. It's clear they do drugs.
From "Competitions 5", Calcio Storico, also known as the most brutal historical football game ever played in Italy, guaranteed to cause cuts, bruises, and bloody noses. The only thing stopping it from being too violent? An umpire with a giant feather.
Michael Loftus: You got people trying to murder each other, and then you have (in Italian accent) "I am the referee. Stop it. Stop it, you silly man."
The fake orgasm contest in "Competitions 5".
- There's the man who screams an orgasm.
  Leif: Are you orgasming or do you have fire ants in your pants?
- There's the man who makes honking sounds.
  Kevin: I now know what it sounds like when a goose climaxes. Thanks.
- Of course, the woman competitor is the one who ends up winning.
  Judy: Of course she wins, we're masters at that. (demonstrates a fake orgasm that ends with a scream)
  Daisy: I'll have what she's having!
The swimming race from "Competitions 5", which takes a turn for the worse when all seven hundred racers are pursued by a hammerhead shark. They manage to swim to a nearby island, which coincidentally happens to be named "Shark Island".
Kevin: This seems like an event that was invented by the sharks. "Yeah, come! Seven hundred swimmers to Shark Island!"
"Hammerhead Shark": Yeah, come on by.
Brad: What are the chances of you getting eaten? One in seven hundred!
The porridge making competition in "Competitions 5".
Loni: Mama Bear would win that easily.

Confrontations (Brawlers Lite)

A clip about fainting goats. One goat herder is interviewed, talking about scaring goats into stiffness doesn't hurt or bother them a bit.
Chuck: How do you know that doesn't bother that animal?
Brad: [mocking tone] I bet that makes you feel like a may-yan, doesn't it? "I scared the crap outta that goat!"
- And the cast's reaction upon learning that are actual international fainting goat competitions, and officials need to have photographic proof of the goat fallen over in order to be registered.
  Roger: Wait just one minute, there's actually an International Fainting Goat Association?
  Kevin: Who is defrauding the goat-fainting community with goats that don't faint? Whoever it is is a sick son of a bitch! (Todd then "scares" 'Mac', who then drops like a goat would. You can even hear laughs from the crew)
A clip of a drunk driver who has been arrested and taken to the police station to be read his rights. He's so upset that he starts bawling for his lawyer, and even goes a step further:
Nick: He just throws himself down on the floor like a three-year-old in Walmart who didn't get his toy!
Michael: When the police have you, and the evidence is mounting up, and they didn't give you a test, and you don't have a lawyer, there's only one thing you can do. Fall on the floor and cry like a little bitch. Nailed it.
Daniel: At that stage in the game, if your lawyer can bail you out of that situation, I want that fuckin' lawyer!
A clip of a videographer who gets peed on by a tiger, of which a zoo employee remarks, "You're gonna smell like popcorn for the rest of the day!"
Brad: Tiger urine smells like popcorn?!
Kevin: (sadly staring at a popcorn bowl) Now I'll never be able to eat popcorn again. Thanks.
A middle-aged English lady who was jilted by her fiancee on their wedding day has a new soulmate in the form of... a full-grown sow named Rachel. She sleeps with it, eats with it, snuggles it, plays with it, and so much more that Judy suggests they be given their own sitcom with a Drama Bomb Finale.

Criminals (Pretty much the main reason tru TV created this show)

From "Criminals 16":
- In clip #16, a thief robs an Alabama minimart armed with a...screwdriver. Needless to say, he gets screwed at the end (no pun intended) as the clerk, a tough-as-nails black woman with blonde hair, activates the panic alarm amd locks him in.
  Kevin: Had he looked around the store, he'd surely have found something way more dangerous.
  Chuck: (commenting on the clerk) Any woman who's brave enough to have her hair like that, is not to be scared by a man with a screwdriver.
  Billy: Couldn't he use the screwdriver to get out by any chance?
  - Kevin comments on the thief having "Taurus" as a name:
    Kevin: This is exactly what happened to my cousin, "Impala McCaffrey" (we see a mugshot of Impala—actually Kevin with a mustache pasted on). If you're named after a mediocre four-door sedan, your life can only take one path...
- Clip #13 features the case of a man in Maine who shoplifts an electric guitar and tucks it into his pants, with predictable results:
  Nick: That's not an harmonica, you dummy!
  - After spending four months in prison, the man (still on probation) returns one year later to do the exact same thing (the main difference being that he's wearing a larger jersey this time)...
    Nick: He goes back to the same store and puts himself in front of the same camera.
    Michael: That's what he came up with after thinking it over for 365 days. Dumbass!
  - ... unfortunately for him, the procedure gives him the very same results.
    Michael: Just take the guitar and run! Maybe you'll come up with that plan next year.
- Another reinciding felon is shown in #14: A man in Spanaway, WA steals a convenience store twice just 10 days apart... the only difference being he wore different caps on each instance:
  Robber: Sorry to do this to you buddy, but you got to give me all your cash, now.
  Clerk: Weren't you just here last week?
  Robber: No. I wasn't.
  Chuck: Apparently there aren't many places to rob in Spanaway, Washington.
  Kevin: Dude, change your fucking shirt! Steal a shirt from somewhere.
  - And when he tried to get dangerous...
    Robber: I got a fucking .38 in my pocket
    Clerk: I just thought you were happy to see me.
    Brad: That was actually funnier than half of the castmembers on this show!
- Speaking of caps, #17 tells the case of a man who sports a $100 bill cap, which according to Kevin, tells a lot about the perp's social standing. It gets to the point the idiot demands his cap back after being tackled by the police. But, the actual fun comes at the end:
  John: (observing the cap) It's an actual $100 bill. How did it not disappear? Todd was just here.
  (scene changes to Todd and a crewmember)
  Todd: That is a real bill, right?
  Crewmember: Don't you even think about it, Todd.
- Clips #4 to #2 deal with felonies with an erotic angle, presented by Brian Callen "After Dark", with the audience being treated to a man resisting arrest for violating a restraining order by mooning the police, a naked couple throwing rocks at passing cars (as seen from a police helicopter's infrared camera), and an elderly woman taking and pulling a robber's member.
  Natasha Leggero: That's not erotic at all. I'm so not horny right now.
  Kevin: (on the woman pulling the robber's manhood) Whoa, that was less sexy than I expected.
- In clip #18 we see a woman winning $500 with a scratch lottery ticket. She then makes the mistake of letting people get too close to it, getting stolen by two other women. A scuffle ensues, with the victim taking a shirt from one of the robbers, who eventually flee and lose the ticket.
  Tom: You lost the $500, but at least you have some sweaty shirt.
  Billy: It's a pity the woman lost her winning ticket. Now she won't have $500 to spend on more lottery tickets.
- Lottery tickets are also the focus of #11, where a Texas man robs all the tickets in a convenience store. His obsession with the lottery gets to the point the cashier nonchalantly decides to clean up the place. He also takes some cigarettes and two wallets.
  Daniel: How do you explain that? Hey! I bought $400 in lottery tickets.
  Michael: The irony: he didn't steal a penny. "I'm gonna scratch these with a... Son of a bitch! I can't scratch them".
"Criminals 24":
- Clip #10, entitled "Shoplifter, Aisle 4", involving a man attempting to shoplift a pack of razors from a grocery store.
  - Nick, Mike T., Jaime and Daisy on the man constantly eyeballing the security cameras:
    Nick: Could he have made himself look even more suspicious?!
    Mike T.: (as the shoplifter) Whaddya lookin' at me for? You keep lookin' at me, fine, I'm gonna keep lookin' at you, camera!
    Jaime: You're not paranoid if they're really watching you...
    Daisy: Well, act normal. Tell them what you're not doing. Hey, I'm not stealing razors!
  - Kevin on the man continuously pacing nervously throughout the store, and fumbling with his other (legit) purchases:
    Kevin: This guy is either a shoplifter or participating in the most emotionally conflicting razor purchase ever.
  - Todd, playing the role of the man's conscience as he goes through checkout, pondering on going through with his shoplifting:
    Angel!Todd: Now, now, you know you don't want to rob the store.
    Devil!Todd: You don't know what you're talking about! Rob the place! Rob the place!
  - Finally, Kevin's comments on the man being apprehended by security, and actually looks visibly distraught as he sits in the security office:
    Kevin: This should have been an intervention; "Dude? Seriously? You are terrible at stealing stuff. You have to stop."
- #17 deals with a lawyer who resorts to vandalism as his client refuses to pay him the legal fees for malpractice. Well, if your concept of vandalism is repeatedly ringing the man's doorbell, stealing his pool tanks and American flag, and kicking a beach chair into the pool...
  Billy: Who steals pool tanks and filters? What happened to burning down one's house?
  Ted: Is he really trying to ruin that man's life?
  Chuck: He's not only an awful lawyer. He's a bad vandal.
  - Meanwhile, John thinks the client is way too paranoid for having so many security cameras around the house.
  - After the lawyer is identified, we are treated to the most unbecoming mugshot ever.
  Brad: He and his hairstylist should both end up in prison.
- One clip told the story of every drug dealer's worst nightmare: accidentally pocket-dialing 911 during an exchange.
  - During which, Kevin comments that they might want to Google "lawyer", leading to... guess what? The mugshot of the dumb criminal attorney from clip #17 popping up again.
- In another Criminal’s clip, a drug dealer got the bright idea to call 9-1-1 on rival drug dealers who were dealing in his turf. While still on the phone with them, he goes outside and conducts a drug deal.
- Loni's comment about a large black man that tries to squeeze through the gate of a subway system.
  Loni: Will somebody give Suge Knight a $1.70?
A couple of thieves steal a bait car.
Passenger: We own this city!
Driver: Where are we?
Passenger: I don't know.
- Michael's comment really sells it.
  Michael: "We own this city!" "Where are we?" "I don't know." You can't write that!
Leif: Small penis alert! Small penis alert!
- Followed by a "police lineup" of cast members pretending to show their penises—including Judy Gold. Danny Bonaduce ends up getting fingered for having a small one.
  Danny: What can I say? It's a grower, not a shower... Or, I have a small penis!
- To put into context, the video clip shows a drunk man peeing in a hotel hallway. In retaliation, the manager takes a still of the footage and makes a wanted poster of it that says, "Wanted! Small penis!"
  Manager: The moral of the story is, if you pee in my hallway, I will make fun of your penis.
  Kevin: Looks like something they'd do in Police Academy. Why catch him when one can ruin his life?
One clip from "Criminals 19" has two thieves in a bait car, discussing how they called each other a bitch. One then wonders if they actually are in a bait car.
Tonya: If it looks like a bunny, and it hops like a bunny, THEN IT MUST BE A BUNNY!!!
Tom McCaffrey (Kevin's younger brother), in response to a clip of a herd of cattle that escaped from a rodeo and stampedes into a convenience store in "Criminals 18":
Tom: Well, this just goes to prove that cows are good at being food. They're not very good at planning escapes.
The entire "Slip and Fail" clip from "Criminals 25", including the commentary...
- An elderly lady and her caretaker are in a cosmetics aisle at a department store, the old lady finds spilled nail polish on the floor, and gets down, acting as if she had fallen, while her caretaker goes for help.
  Daisy: Phew! Thank God she was able to break that fall by getting onto her hands and knees very slowly.
  Kevin: Help! Help! My friend is...uh...taking a nap!
- Afterwards, three store employees race to the lady's aid.
  Danny: Those are the three fastest-moving people in all of Florida!
- Spectators start to gather around, including one woman scooting along in a motorized cart...
  Ted: What's the woman in the motorized cart gonna do for the lady on the floor? Gloat?
- ... who then gets up and walks over to the lady on the floor.
  Mike T.: There's a lot of weird stuff goin' on in this aisle, you got healthy people falling down, people in carts rising to their feet, it's like the Bermuda Triangle over there!
- Paramedics arrive with a gurney and take the lady to the hospital, while she plans to sue the store until insurance investigators check surveillance footage.
  Jaime: [as lawyer] We've received your claim, and BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
- Brad's closing remarks:
  Brad: I really don't remember this episode of The Golden Girls... it's a little dark...
From "Criminals 21", the re-enactment of Leif's 2010 drug arrest (which Leif himself even participates in), in which he was found with black tar heroin in his possession.
Loni: Black tar?! [wails] WHY, LEIF, WHYYYY?!! OHH LOOORRRRD!!!
Judy: When I was little, I had Leif's picture all over my wall, and now I have pictures of Leif's mugshot all over my wall... I love you, Leif.
Chelsea: Leif? I think that, yes, you should give up heroin, it would probably be in your best interest, but more importantly? Time to put the skateboard down.
One of the criminals featured — seen in "Criminals 20" — was literally just a seagull in Scotland that walked into a store, snatched some chips, and walked out. Pretty much everyone agrees that the bird was the smartest criminal featured on the show, and the sad thing is, they're probably right.
- Even better is the reporter who actually interviews the bird on camera:
  Reporter: Excuse me.
  Seagull: Piss off! Get away!
  Reporter: You've now been exposed for your life of crime.
  Seagull: Stop bothering me.
  Reporter: Do you have anything to say?
  Seagull: You'll never keep me from my chips! [flies away] Freedom!
From "Criminals 7", two men in Colorado rob a convenience store. They get away with the money, but they turn themselves in after the footage of their robbery is shown on the news... along with the fact that they were wearing thongs for masks and were putting the money in a pink backpack!
In the very first clip of the first episode, a woman is seen shoplifting. But that's not the reason she's on the list. The reason is that she had her very young granddaughter unknowingly helping her!
Out of all the episodes where a criminal or group of criminals try to steal an ATM, "Criminals 19" is the only one where a whole gang of twenty-one men steal two ATMs and load them into the pickup truck. Only three of the men were arrested.
Loni: It takes a village to raise an idiot. And rob a bank.
From "Criminals 8", a robber is taken to the hospital after he is found lying in the dirt, clearly sick. Don't feel too bad for him. It turns out he was poisoned after he attempted to rob a house that was being fumigated! Everyone taunts him, saying he must have believed he was robbing a circus.
Loni: "What kind of circus is this? Gotta get this money. Help me! Someone, help me!"
In one "Criminals 4" clip that took place in Hell's Kitchen, New York, two men named James O'Hare and David Daloia try to take a third friend, Virgilio Cintron, to the bank in order to cash his social security checks, but there's a problem. Cintron is dead. Not ill, not sleeping, not comatose; he's dead. So you can imagine the people's shock when they see two men pushing a dead guy in a computer chair down Ninth Avenue. And in case you're wondering, he died from natural causes related to Parkinson's disease (which is not mentioned in the episode).
Tom: When crackheads watch Weekend at Bernie's too many times, this is what happens.
Danny: Had they used a wheelchair, they probably could have gotten away with it, but instead they used a desk chair, probably hoping no one would notice.
There was one episode that told of a B&I Mall in Lakewood, Washington that once had an odd way of attracting visitors: a live gorilla named Ivan kept in a cage by the front door. So it seems perfectly normal when an Ivan impersonator shows up outside the mall to greet customers and make friends. But there's a problem: the impersonator isn't an employee. It's a teenager named Isaiah Michael Jackson whose idea of a funny prank is to dress up in a gorilla suit, snatch a toddler from his family and run off with him before letting him go. Needless to say, the commentators all agree that that stupid idea guarantees that he deserves the beating he receives from the father. He ends up with thirty days' home detention.
Danny: Not enough. Thirty days' home detention is not enough to make a guy go, "Well, if you just grab the kid from his parents and run, that's kidnapping. But if you do it in a gorilla suit, then it's comedy."
Mickey Sherman: Can he wear the gorilla suit at home during home confinement? That's my question.
"Criminals 8" told the story of two robbers in El Salvador who dug an impressive tunnel to get to a bank. Unfortunately, the tunnel collapsed after a truck drove over, exposing their plan...and the fact that it was so hot in there, the robbers stripped themselves naked! Needless to say, just before they are taken to jail, the police leave them on the sidewalk for people to take pictures of them.
Brad: Note to self: don't get arrested in El Salvador 'cause they will leave your naked ass squatting on the corner for a good two hours.
- Also from Criminal’s 8, a hooker and her pimp are confronted by a man and told to take their business elsewhere. The pimp starts arguing and decides to pick a fight with the other man while his hooker tries to calm him down. Unfortunately for the pimp, the person he decided to pick a fight with was a karate instructor and he was doing his business outside his dojo. When the pimp tries to lay hands on him, the karate instructor delivers a swift karate chop to his neck and knocks the pimp for a loop. Even funnier? The disoriented pimp is helped back into a cab by his hooker and the cab driver.
One episode told the story of a woman who comes to collect her bank checks, but there's something not right about her, like how she had hands like Dick Butkus according to Daniel Baldwin. A suspicious neighbor calls the police and that's when they discover that the woman is actually a man. Not just a man, but her own son! Thomas Prusic-Parkin had been posing as his deceased mother so he could collect her welfare benefits and apparently, he managed to get away with this for six years! How did he pull this off? He gave the funeral home a fake Social Security number, so her death was never recorded officially.
Natalie Desselle-Reid: Question: did he run a motel with his mama?
Tom McCaffrey: This guy makes Norman Bates look like he's got his shit together.
From "Criminals 6", two criminals try to rob a bingo contest. They think they're going to get away with it...until somebody alerts the biker gang gathered at the bar next door.
Danny: Can you imagine being a couple of guys and all of a sudden the Hell's Angels just bust through the door and you're like, "Dude, does God just hate me?"
The story in "Criminals 7" of Charles Ray Fuller from Florida who wanted to start his own record company. What's his plan? Steal a check from his girlfriend's mother, take it to the bank, and cash it. How much money did he want? Three hundred and sixty billion dollars! And the teller was about to cash it, when she saw in the memo it said "Rent". He was arrested for forgery and possession of marijuana and an unregistered firearm.
Chuck Nice: He actually forged a check worth more than Oprah Winfrey! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! What a dumbass!
Michael Bryant: Three-time loser, you know? Forge a check for a number that doesn’t really exist except in the national debt, and uh you know have some drugs on ya and a firearm. It’s beautiful.
- His girlfriend's mother jokes that if she had that kind of money, she'd just sit around drinking margaritas all day.
  Loni Love: Look at his girlfriend's mama. Does she have $360 in the bank? Does she even have a bank account?
A man in California tried to fill up his tank at a closed gas station. His only obstacle were heavy-duty padlocks securing the pumps. First, he tried to cut them off with bolt cutters and when that failed, he used a blow torch. He didn't get blown up, but police caught him when he tried the same stunt at another gas station.
Perhaps one of the more infamous stories is the one in "Criminals 3" about Kasey Kazee who tried to rob a Shamrock Liquors store in Ashland, Kentucky. The reason why he was on the list? His choice of mask. A ski mask? Nope. A Domino Mask? Nope. A Brown Bag Mask? Nope. No, instead of a real mask, the idiot wrapped his face in duct tape and had his T-shirt over his head like Cornholio from Beavis And Butthead. Ironically, the owner beat up Kazee with a club wrapped in duct tape before another employee subdued the "Duct Tape Bandit" as he became known. But even more outlandish, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Kazee denied his own rampant stupidity to the local news crew by acting like a rapper, in a rather pitiful way:
"Look at me. Do I look like a duct tape bandit, baby? I'm not no duct tape bandit, you hear me? Live one on one; Ashland, Kentucky; you know this is not me. Now look, do the math, do the homework, man."
In one "Criminals 3" clip, a man robs a pizza place, but instead of going for the register, he goes for the tip jar. But that's not the reason why he's on this list. The reason is that he forgot that he entered the building on his right and tried to exit on his left. The stupid bastard ends up bonking his head on the glass, spilling change everywhere. He leaves the place empty-handed.
One "Criminals 3" clip had a guy who looked an awful lot like a pirate (or Leif Garret, depending on who's asking) trying to break into a coffee shop using his elbows and his feet. It fails miserably. But what lands him on the list is when he gives it one last try. He kicks the door, only to bend his leg backwards. The poor man has to limp away empty-handed.
The number one criminal in "Criminals 2" tries to rob a convenience store by breaking in through the roof... only to fall right through the ceiling and have beer bottles land on his face. But then when he gets what he wants (which is basically a couple of cigarettes and all the money in the register), he fails to escape as he kept falling through the ceiling. Eventually, he just gave up and waited for police to arrive. And the idiot didn't even think to unlock the door.
Two robbers robbed a house but left a trail in the process. Police found the trail and followed it to find them fast asleep on top of the stolen goods. Apparently, they had spent the whole night making off with the stolen goods that they became exhausted and took a nap.
One robber managed to escape police by climbing up a roof, but he has to shimmy on a wire to make it across to the other house. The funny part comes when it's revealed he's just a few feet above the cops, just waiting for him to fall right into their hands. Karma eventually catches up with him and the wire breaks, allowing the cops to grab him.
One face-palming case involved two teenagers in Iowa named Matthew McNeely and Joey Miller who broke into a house wearing perhaps the worst disguises yet: instead of wearing masks, the two stupid kids covered their faces with permanent black marker.
There's the story from "Criminals 13" of Acea Schomaker from Lincoln, Nebraska. Police arrived at his home with a warrant for his arrest on drug charges and found him smoking a plastic homemade bong the size of a shoebox. There appeared to be something moving in the bong and what did they find when they opened it? Shomaker's pet cat Shadow. He claimed the cat was too hyper so he placed him in the bong to mellow him out and apparently he did this three times before. Indeed, the cat appeared to be lethargic and almost sleepy when he was brought to the vet. Shomaker was arrested for drug possession and animal cruelty.
Brian Callen: How does a cat meow when it's high? "Woof, woof! Keh, heh! Dude, I'm so wasted!"
Michael Loftus: That was one calm cat right there. Sitting back, thinking to his cat buddies, "Do you ever think that maybe we're all just little specks of cats in a giant cat tongue somewhere on a great creature that's cleaning itself? What? What? What?"
From "Criminals 25", the story of Gary Korkuc from Buffalo, New York who was pulled over for a routine traffic stop. The police notice some strange sounds coming from his trunk. Inside was a saucepan and sitting in it was, of all things, a cat soaking in oil, crushed pepper, and chili powder. When questioned by the local news crew, the man denies wanting to eat the cat and that it was actually going into labor and what the officers found was the afterbirth. Except, there's one hole with that story: the cat is male. Korkuc is arrested for animal cruelty and the shelter bans him from all future pet adoptions. The cat is put up for adoption.
The story in "Criminals 7" of two cops who pull over and get some Burger King. But when they eat their Whoppers, they start to feel light-headed. They inspect the burgers and realize the lettuce wasn't lettuce but marijuana, courtesy of the two teenagers running the drive-thru window. Apparently, it was their idea of a funny prank. The cops are sent to the hospital with no serious side effects while the kids plead no contest to the charges.
Todd Bridges: You don't waste your marijuana on police officers. That's stupid!
Leif: And then if you are going to put it in there, you don't just put it on top like, "They'll never know! It looks just like lettuce!"
- The dancing burger at the end of the video.
  Burger: I'm a burger, I'm a burger! With me, you're gonna fly! I'm a burger, I'm a burger! Come on, let's get high!
There’s one where a guy is calling 911 to report some suspicious activity outside his house. As it would turn out, the guys he tried calling the cops on were rival drug dealers. He was trying to get them off his turf by calling the cops on them. But the hilarity doesn’t end there: he then walks down the street still on the phone and makes a drug deal.
From "Criminals 3", the 911 call Officer Edward Sanchez from Dearborn Heights, Michigan makes after his wife cooks some pot brownies has to be heard to believe. How did this happen? He took the marijuana from a drug bust and brought it home with him so he can take it to evidence the next day. But his wife mistook it for brownie mix. No charges were made, but when the 911 call is made public, Sanchez resigned from the force.
911 Operator: How much did you guys have?
Sanchez: I don't know. We made brownies, and I think we're dead. I really do.
Matt Bellace: If you believe you're dead, why are you calling 911?
Judy: You don't die from pot brownies.
Tom: Little did he know, he got the Super Batch! The "I think we're dead" Batch!
Sanchez: What's the score on the Red Wings game?
Leif: What? Are you kidding me?
Tonya: What's more important? Your life or hockey?
In "Criminals 20", two women steal a bait car and pick up a third friend. The stupid thing is, this isn't the first time they fell for the same trap. But the real reason the video is on the list? The man picks his nose and eats the booger.
Loni: Ohhh! Did he just — Eeeeewwwww!!!!
Brad: Ugh! That alone should get you jail time.
- The women are arrested, but their picky friend is acquitted.
From "Criminals 1", the story of Marvin John Heemeyer, the man now remembered for taking a Komatsu D355A bulldozer and fitting it with armor, guns, and video equipment before using it to try to destroy thirteen buildings in Granby, Colorado, all of which were owned by people he had some kind of dispute with, including the town hall. The story has a sad end, though, as Heemeyer's homemade tank ended up getting stuck in the rubble and he committed suicide by shooting himself in the head to avoid being arrested (which isn't mentioned in the episode, as these details wouldn't be known until some time after the episode aired).
One "Criminals 7" clip had a man robbing an auto parts store but an employee fights back. The robber gets away but when the employee tries to stop him by grabbing onto his leg, he is surprised when it pops off in his hand! It turns out the robber was wearing a prosthetic. Police use its ID to track down the robber, which wasn't hard since he had only one leg.
Chuck: Awesome! It's the Gecko Bandit!
Leif: (gives him a look of confusion)
Chuck: You ever tried to catch a gecko? Tail comes off.
The number one clip in "Criminals 4" told the story of roofers fixing a barn roof. While inspecting the barn for any damage, they come across rusting tin cans containing old currency worth $125,000. But rather than give the money to the farmer, which is required by law, the roofers instead decide to take it and tell a story that they found it in a friend's backyard while digging a hole to plant a tree. At first, they become instant celebrities, but their story completely falls apart when the U.S. Treasury Department traces the money back to the farmer's family. All four roofers are arrested and charged for stealing and conspiracy.
Two clips in two different episodes have one similar theme: men looking up women's skirts. In one case (#20 in "Criminals 15"), the man goes down on his hands and knees and takes a picture, and in the other case (#13 in "Criminals 14"), the man looks up the woman's skirt using a mirror.
Judy: Who gets off looking up a woman's skirt?!
Mike T.: It's probably the closest thing to a woman's privates he's ever going to see.
One clip in "Criminals 8" showed a man robbing a Floridian convenience store wearing one of the worst disguises and armed with one of the worst weapons: he wore his T-shirt over his head while carrying a palm tree frond. He shakes the frond in a threatening manner, demanding "fifty dollar" in the worst Spanish accent ever. But the store manager, showing absolutely no fear whatsoever, casually chases him out with a bar stool.
Brad: When the person you're robbing calmly chases you out with a stool, you've clearly failed as a criminal.
From "Criminals 6":
- The officer in Florida who pulled over a woman knew right away she was drunk. Exactly how did he determine this? She won't stop singing the "Skidamarinky Dinky-Dink" song over and over again.
  Brad: This is some weird shit! And she won't stop! Where was she arrested in? Twin Peaks?
  Chuck: It's like the teacher from Romper Room got drunk. "Hey, now, let me tell you something. I see Billy. And I see Jimmy. And I see...Skidamarinky Dinky-Dink, Skidamarinky Dinky-Do. I. Love. You!
  Loni: We don't love you.
  Woman: I'm a fucking housewife, what do you expect from me?! I. Love. You.
  Danny: "I'm a housewife! Adinky do. I. Love. You!" I tell you, that is the saddest woman in the world.
  Woman: I want you to know, there's a human being out there that loves everybody!
  Loni: The new season of Desperate Housewives is gonna be good.
  - The woman is arrested and all through the night, a lonesome refrain echoed throughout the cell block.
- Everyone's befuddled reactions to a man breaking into a store to steal porno magazines.
  Brad: And who breaks in through the roof? What is this, Ocean's Eleven? You're an idiot.
- The drunk shirtless guy at the #13 spot.
  Brad: Alright, first of all, from this point on, police officers of America... When you pull someone over and they have no shirt. Arrest them. Just start there. No shirt, no freedom.
  Drunk Guy: I was driving my friend home because she had too much to drink. (Beat) I've had too much to drink, too.
  Nick: I'm definitely legally drunk, but she's four times the limit. I'm only three times the limit. That was his logic right there.
  Brad: (in a drunken manner) I am s**tfaced. Here's my registration.
- The entire segment where an English guy tries to rob a store with a crossbow. Not just the commentary, but also the voiceover where the criminal repeatedly says "This is pointy!"
  - All the comments about the medieval nature of the crime.
    Chuck: Who robs a store with a crossbow and you don't live in Sherwood Forest?
    Brad: F***! S***! Did he arrive on horseback?
    Bryan: Do you have your minstrels and a squire in tow as well?
    Nick: Who was his getaway driver, William Wallace? (William Wallace is shown in a convertible shouting FREEDOM)
    Brad: This is what happens when you let these children play Dungeons and Dragons their whole f***in' life.
- The entire #10 segment of a guy arrested for DUI, who berates the officer trying to read him his rights and starts playing air guitar to tune him out.
- Nick's comment about the criminal at the #8 spot.
  Nick: I think he's mad because he had to work overtime that night, and he's not gonna be able to make it to the Molly Hatchet reunion tour.
- The criminal at the #6 spot, who kicks his truck's tailgate out of frustration and ends up hurting his leg and eating dirt.
- #5, a guy who tries to punch the cop that pulled him over.
  Loni: How can you punch Barney Fife?
  - After a little car chase, the guy stops at a sign and surrenders. As he's surrendering, at least three other people emerge from the truck.
    Mickey: It's like a clown car. All these other morons come flying out of there. It's like a village idiot convention, and this was like the van to get them there and back. And they all look the same. Four of them have the total IQ of a frog.
- #4, a man who robs a store with a shotgun but is dumb enough to set it down allowing the cashier to swipe it.
  Nick: The thing was there for about three minutes, anybody could've taken it. The guy getting a Big Gulp had a shot at it if he wanted it.
  - After fleeing, the guy returns and climbs over the counter to get his gun back.
The entirety of the Phillies Red Menace segment in "Criminals 25". From the voiceover making the Red Menace sound like the dorkiest man alive, to all the commentators acting as the crowd.
Red Menace: Look at me! I'm all red!
Bryan Callen getting mad at the criminal from Clip #19 in "Criminals 24", who tries to rob a drive-thru window.
"What are you trying to steal; ketchup packets, Styrofoam cups, napkins? You're the worst!"
#19 of "Criminals 13" is a sight to behold. Two petty criminals in New Zealand are handcuffed together outside of a courthouse. They choose to run for it while still cuffed together. On their way, they come across a lamppost. Do they think to move away from it so the handcuffs don't wrap around it? Well, would they be on this page if they did?
Todd: And the cop had to be like, (mimes running) oh shit, oh shit, oh shit- (points and laughs at the dimwits).
"Criminals 5" had a clip that took place in Port St. Lucie, Florida, that had perhaps two of the stupidest kids ever when they tried to rob of all things, A POLICE STATION!
Gary Busy: A police station. Smart, huh? You gotta do A, B, C, D, E, F, G before you could attempt anything that stupid.
"Criminals 5" has an astonishingly moronic crime at #7. Two men enter a Chicago muffler shop to rob it. However, there isn't really any money at the store, as they had just opened for the day. One of the criminals decides they'll come back later for the money...and leaves the staff his phone number so they can call him when they have money to steal. The staff, of course, inform the police, where an undercover cop is waiting that ends up shooting him in the leg. Clearly these two dummies Didn't Think This Through.
Danny Bonaduce: The man's as stupid as they come. No joke or commentary I could make would beat it. He went to rob a muffler shop, and then said "Call me later when the money gets here". Really, I can't add a thing.
This one clip from "Criminals 13" taking place in Windsor, Ontario, Canada probably counts as awesome. A convenience store owner named Salim Baho fights a deranged man with a baseball bat with nothing but a folding chair. A bricklayer who is a friend of Salim helps him fight the man with a steel pipe Salim gives him. The two of them pin the man down and when the cops arrive to arrest the man, they find out the reason he attacked was because his girlfriend was fired from the store.
Tanya: It was like I was watching a movie. I mean, it was totally cool!
One clip has a man in Florida pulled over for DUI and put in handcuffs, but as the officer is giving him his Miranda warning, he says his nuts itch and asks to scratch them real quick, to which he's denied. The poor man has to endure the torture and even the officers laugh at him as he tries to scratch himself with his thighs. Let's just say he was very grateful to have the cuffs come off when they arrive at the station.
One clip from "Criminals 2" showed a minimart that is the target of aggressively violent thieves. After one too many robberies, the owners decide enough is enough and do some renovations. And what is the new addition? A wall that goes up if someone tries to jump over the counter and take the register and merchandise. Word of the wall trap spreads and criminals ply their trade elsewhere. Or at least, the smart criminals did. Case in point, a robber tried to jump over the counter, only to have the wall slam on his neck, knocking him out cold.
Danny: The flying wall of death at a convenience store? How angry are these guys?
Judy: First of all, if you need a wall to protect you because you get robbed every five minutes, maybe you'll want to put your convenience store in another neighborhood.
One clip from "Criminals 13" told the story of Chris Truax, a car wash worker from Portland, Oregon, who gets robbed during Christmas. The robber's gun breaks, giving Chris the chance to scare him away with one of the hoses, and later calls the police. But in a twist, not only is the robber arrested, but Chris as well, due to a seven-year-old drunk driving warrant.
Another "Criminals 13" clip told the story of Catherine Anne Delgado, a woman in Maryland, who broke into a bakery and stole $70 worth of fudge. But it gets better. When police found her in a Maryland House Hotel just down the street, she was covered from head to toe in chocolate. And apparently, she tried to flush some of the fudge down the toilet, but failed. Delgado was arrested and charged with second degree burglary.
The number one clip from "Criminals 6" tells the story of Randy Washington who, after robbing a TCF Bank with a group of accomplices, calls the shock jock show at 103.5 KISSFM to brag about his accomplishment. Keep in mind, the case went cold for three weeks. Had he kept his mouth shut, he would have gotten away with it. Instead, because of his ego, an FBI agent overheard the conversation, went to the radio station and traced the cellphone call to his house. He, and his partners were arrested and put in the slammer.
One clip shows a robbery taking place at an electronic store in Minnesota that sells everything from laptops to surveillance equipment. Lots of surveillance equipment. And apparently, this bonehead didn't get the memo when he tried to rob it.
One clip showed a daylight bank robbery taking place in New Hampshire. The reason the robber is on this list? Instead of wearing a mask, he duct taped branches to his body and face! As if his poorly thought out disguise wasn't bad enough, he also didn't think to check the money bag to find the dye pack the bank teller placed in it.
One clip from "Criminals 23" shows a woman from Rhode Island breaking into a navy man's home after he leaves for a minor ear operation. When he returns to find his home broken into and robbed, his friend realizes the webcam is still on and recording everything. Sure enough, the footage shows the woman's face clearly and she is later arrested.
In one clip from "Criminals 3", police look for a pair of robbers driving white Buick Sedan wanted for robbing a liquor store. They find a car that matches the description and when they pull them over, the Sedan's trunk pops open, revealing everything that the robbers stole from the liquor store.
The top clip from "Criminals 25" concerns a woman being pulled over by a cop…only for a real police officer to show up, and the first guy is some whacko impersonating a cop! Brad states the entire situation is "8 different kinds of crazy. Like a 7-layer bean dip of insanity." Mike (as the woman initially pulled over by the bogus cop) goes "I'm arrested by a guy who's arrested? What-what's going on?" Kevin caps it off by stating "Justice isn't blind. He is delusional." (as the bogus cop's last name was in fact Justice).
From "Criminals 14", there is one criminal who gets away with it: a Siberian husky named Akira who walked 12 miles to a local grocery store to steal a bone from the pet aisle and then walk back to her home. When her owners see the footage of her crime on the news, they return to the store to pay for the bone and then buy another bone. In this rare instance, crime really does pay.
In the number one clip from "Criminals 3", Christopher Daniel Gay is being transported to prison for auto-theft charges, but when he finds out his mother in Tennessee is dying, he escapes, steals a big rig, and drives to his mother's house. But when he sees cops already have the place staked out, he ditches the big rig and steals something even less conspicuous: Crystal Gayle's tour bus. He then traveled to Daytona International Speedway where he tried to pass himself off as a member of Tony Stewart's race team, but the crew knew right away that he was lying, so he fled. He was apprehended by police after asking for directions from a prostitute who turned out to be part of a police sting and the tour bus was returned undamaged. The story ends tragically; twelve days after his arrest, his mother died and he wasn't allowed to attend the funeral.

Daredevils (Like Criminals, but with pain instead of crime)

From "Daredevils 2", a bear trainer tries to train a bear named Cubby by whacking him on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper. It ends as well as you expect.
From "Daredevils 9", Mike Trainor imitating a skateboarder checking on his groin after he (in the skateboarder's own words) "blew his nut":
Mike T.: (counting his testicles) One... and a half... OH, GOD!
- The skateboarder then comments the doctor said "there could be collateral damages, or whatever".
  Kevin: "Look, we must check you for collateral damage, or whatever" is not something a doctor would say to you.
The entire "Ghost Bike" sequence from "Daredevils 10". To be precise, during a race, one of the motorcycles ends up getting its accelerator throttle stuck when its owner, Bobby Hedden, crashes, causing it to go out of control and plow into the spectators.
A paraglider in India circles around a dressed-up cow for a photo-shoot...and paraglides right into the cow.
Brad: Great. You just kicked Indian Jesus in the ribs.
Kevin: Is your cow still sacred if they use it for lame photoshoots?
"What'd I tell you about testicles?!"
Mike T.: What conversation were you having about testicles? Was it related to this, or were you just talking about balls in general, like, 'Hey, you know what I like about balls?'
Gary Busey proving to us why he's every inch a Cloud Cuckoolander:
Gary: The thing about Tigger—
Producer: (Correcting him) Trigger.
Gary: is... Tigger believes in love... and he believes in Winnie the Pooh.
From "Daredevils 8":
Mike T.: Of all the bum luck! First I sleep through my alarm clock — now my arm's pointing the wrong way! Aw, dang, this just isn't my day.
The number one daredevil clip from "Daredevils 12" shows a matador getting attacked by a bull after he loses his balance. At first, you think he probably walked away with minor injuries...until a replay reveals the bull impaled him through his throat and out his mouth. Don't worry, the matador survived. But as for the bull? He was put down.
One clip from "Daredevils 9" had Scott Nevins note that without the video, it sounds like rough porn. To put into context, the video shows a man defending himself from a bunch of thugs with a baseball bat. The reason it sounds like porn? The cameraman's excited "Yes! Yes!" as he records the whole thing from his balcony window.
One clip from "Daredevils 4" showed a man in Norway who wants to do his first bungee jump. Impatient and wanting to impress his friends down below, he foregoes the usual equipment test and makes a leap of faith. Unfortunately, the cord breaks, resulting in him suffering from one of the worst belly flops in history. He's sent to the hospital for damage to his internal organs.
The number one clip in "Daredevils 7" had two divers in a shark cage. At first, things go normal, but then the shark, not looking where she's going after biting the bait, rams head first into the cage's viewing window, getting stuck. The divers escape by swimming out the emergency exit hole while the shark escapes by breaking the cage.
Brad: Maybe next time you build a shark cage, you don't make the viewing windows big enough for, oh, I don't know, A SHARK!
One clip showed two drunk teenagers having the bright idea of playing with a samurai sword. Long story short, they both end up regretting it when the one of them slices the other's hand open when trying to cut a beer can in half. He is taken to the hospital where he receives over a dozen stitches.
Drunk teen holding samurai sword: Fuck you, Tom Cruise! This is "the REAl Last Samurai"!
One clip shows professional snowmobile racer Jason Jones leading the race at the 1998 Winter X Games, only to have another racer, David Brown, land his own snowmobile on his back. Jason walks away from the accident with only a dislocated shoulder.

Drivers (The other main reason tru TV created this show)

The number 1 clip from "Drivers 6" showed a man named Lee who was pulled over for erratic behavior. That's when it's revealed he's high on PCP, roaring like the Hulk (and prompting various commentators to do their own Hulk impressions). It takes pepper spray to bring him down, restrain him to a stretcher and send him to detox.
Loni Love: No wonder he's crazy, he using PCP! Nobody use PCP anymore! Where'd he get that from, the seventies?
Brad: (with a Southern accent) Lee, we know you're high on the PCP. Lee, I'm not a moose. (with moose antlers) I swear to God I'm not a moose.
- The man making love to his car. It's as strange and crazy as it sounds.
From "Drivers 7":
Loni: Hello, this is the, uh, fire department. We done crashed into the fire department, so can somebody send the fire department?
- And Brad comes up with this headscratcher:
  "Although technically, if two fire trucks arrive at the same intersection at the same time, who has the right of way?"
There was a segment that featured a truck tire bouncing away and hitting a car:
Chuck: You don't know when you're riding down the street when the Michelin Man just might show up and bitch slap you!
- Then the gang decides to "follow the bouncing tire" and sing:
  Daniel: It's big, it's round, it's a bouncing machine.
  Roger: It's the meanest damn radial the world's ever seen.
  Todd: Springin' down the road black-top hip-hop.
  Kevin: Lord only knows when the sucker's gonna stop.
This isn't the only time a tire wound up on the list. In "Drivers 11", a man is pumping gas when all of a sudden, he is run over by a runaway tire that came from a crash.
Brad Loekle on a driver who failed to get away from police in his Yugo in "Drivers 4":
Brad: You'd have better luck driving a hot pocket down the road than driving a Yugo!
Frank Stallone narrating a montage of numerous car accidents in Russia in "Drivers 18".
From "Drivers 21", a Polish TV camera crew is driving on their way back from a report, and the men discuss which they would rather do without: their penises or their balls.
Loni: Is this what guys talk about when they together? Y'all nasty!!!
Michael: This makes me embarrassed to be a dude!
The story from "Drivers 1" of a man who was pulled over and was asked to show his license. There's just one problem: it expired in 1969! The reason the man didn't get it renewed? Because he's legally blind and thus can't pass the vision test!
One clip in "Drivers 12" showed a man filling up gas containers but forgot to put his car in park so it drives off by itself into a ditch. But the funny thing is, the man doesn't even hear or see that it's gone until people watching the whole thing point it out! Even the commentators wonder if he's either stupid, high from smelling the gas, or deaf and blind. Even funnier is that they decide to make a musical out of it.
One clip in "Drivers 5" showed a driver in Texas getting pulled over for a speeding ticket. But the officer doesn't give it to him right away. Why? Because the driver somehow placed a live alligator in the back seat of his car! Apparently, he found it in the middle of the road and put it in his car to find someplace safe. Animal control has to be called in to take the gator out.
From "Drivers 5", a semi gets stuck on train tracks and a train plows right through it. Don't worry, nobody is killed but don't feel too bad for the driver; she tried to cross the track just as the gates were lowering and she was unfortunate enough to have the truck stall.
Natalie Desselle-Reid: Amtrak? They should rename it RAM-TRAK!
One "Drivers 11" clip that took place in Turkey showed a train pushing a truck that was crossing the tracks... and into a worker named Cem Tokac who happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Don't worry, the man survives with only minor injuries. And he has a few choice words for the truck driver, which loosely translates to "Fuck that motherfucker."
The story from "Drivers 11" of Michael Otero who goes into a convenience store in Laguna Beach, California, only to come back to find his truck missing. Assuming it was stolen, he goes back into the store and calls the police. When they reviewed the surveillance tape, they find out that he unknowingly forgot to put the truck in park, so it rolled away on its own from the store and came to rest against the wall of a nearby garage.
Another bait car video (from "Drivers 14"), involving a black man picking up another criminal... in Alaska.
Brad: There are black people in Alaska? Since when?
- Then the driver comments he bought the car from a supposed crack addict.
  Chuck: If you take a ride and the driver says "I bought this car from a crackhead", the next thing you must say is: "Stop the fucking car".
From "Drivers 14", police in Utah chase after a stolen car. That's when it does something strange and returns to the owner's home. And guess who comes out of the car and runs into the house? The owner's seven-year-old son. It turns out he stole the family car so he wouldn't have to go to church that Sunday.
In the number one clip from "Drivers 18", a motorcyclist tried to show off his skills on the ice and ended up ripping off his left middle finger when the motorcycle slipped and he got his hand caught in the rear tire's spokes^note.
Mike Trainor: (as the person driving the cyclist to the hospital) Nine's a lot of fingers. I mean, think about it. Nine is like, so many. ...It's not ten, though.
Leif Garret: (as the cyclist) Oh, yeah, funny. (tries to flip him off but sees that his middle finger is still missing) AAAAAH!
"Drivers 18" also featured a DUI suspect who had a legitimate Sorry Ociffer moment.
Officer: Go ahead and stand up for me, man. Where were you drinking tonight?
DUI suspect: I ain't drinkin'.
Officer: You're not drinking?
DUI suspect: I had a couple...
Officer: Where'd you have a couple at?
DUI suspect: Chaser's, but uh... I ain't that fucked up... [immediately falls over]
One clip in "Drivers 13" showed a drunk driver slamming into a man so hard his shoes flew off his feet! The driver is arrested for DUI and fleeing the scene of an accident while the man he ran over is sent to the hospital with only a broken leg.
Nick: When I hit a guy and he goes 100 feet in the air and his shoes go flying, I'm pretty aware of it.
Right On Elm from Drivers 17. A driver takes off on police, speeds, hits a ditch, goes flying, and hits the upper branches of a tree! Most of the actors can't believe the car caught so much air. On top of that, the power transformer near the tree explodes on impact! After all that the most apathetic policeman walks over to the crash scene, slowly taking his time which is commented on.
In "Drivers 14", a speeding driver tries to escape from the cops by jumping out of the vehicle, only to get hit by the cop car (by accident) so hard that he get knocked out of his shoes.
Also in "Drivers 14", a montage of crashes at the "Gregson Street Guillotine" in Durham, North Carolina.
Time To Steal The Donuts from driver's 2. It involves a police chase involving a Krispy Kreme truck. The jokes practically write themselves!
In one clip, a man driving a truck carrying gas tanks decides to smoke a cigarette while driving down the road. What he doesn't know is that one of the tanks is leaking, resulting in...well, you know what gas plus fire equals. Thankfully, he survives with only minor burns.
In one clip from "Drivers 16", a driver plows through the wall of a bakery, causing hundreds of dollars in damages and almost hits an employee who's on lunch break. You'd think that's the end of the story, but think again. Five years later, the same driver plows through the same wall and almost hits the same employee while on lunch break.
Also from "Drivers 16", a forklift operator accidentally crashes into a shelf carrying thousands of bottles of vodka, causing them to fall on top of him.
Scott: Someone just lost their Christmas bonus.
John Enos: Yuri! Yuri! You broke all the vodka, you motherfucker!
In one clip from "Drivers 11", a speeding truck in Buenos Aires, Argentina carrying two tons of lemons takes a sharp turn on a highway ramp, resulting in it tipping over and dumping all the lemons onto the street below. Cue a long list of bad lemon puns from the commentators and the narrator.

Hillbillies (Rural Dummies)

The pudgy, bald-headed, goatee-wearing hillbilly who likes to trim his hedge by swinging his chainsaw around in the air.
Loni: I like him! He cute! Look at him!
- Then of course, the guy's little joke about bushes, so stupid it's funny:
  Hillbilly: Ever hear the one about the tree that walked into the barbershop? He told the barber just take a little off the hedge.
  Kevin: And it only took him a whole year to come up with that joke. I think he could write for Tonya.
The whole commentary from the "Hillbillies 3" clip of a guy getting a crawfish on his nipple.
The story in "Hillbillies 3" of a man who removes the tattoo of his ex-wife's name with an air blast sander. It has an ironic ending: two weeks later, the couple got back together... only to divorce again.
The crazy lady shouting "COUNTY LAW!" when the crew of a namesake TV show comes to her house to arrest her daughter in "Hillbillies 1".
The wrestling match in "Hillbillies 4" simply has to be seen to be believed.
From "Hillbillies 1", the 911 call from a man named Tim Peeler who claimed to see Bigfoot in his backyard. The commentators joke that his sketch of the creature makes it look like a very hairy Jesus Christ.
Judy: This show about hillbillies would not be complete without a Sasquatch sighting.
From "Hillbillies 3", a group of friends try to fish a pickup truck out of a frozen pond with a winch. They succeed, but not before they fold the truck in half in the process.
From "Hillbillies 2", the man named Jim who has a pet buffalo named Bailey.
Also from "Hillbillies 2", the man who is dared to eat a bug for a pack of cigarettes.
Wes Dening: To be fair, the bug is probably healthier than his cigarettes.
From "Hillbillies 1", a man named Wayne Spring makes a bet with his friends on Facebook. If the New Orleans Saints beat the Washington Redskins, they will be allowed to shoot his television. Guess which team won. Wayne didn't think his friends would really hold their end of the bargain, but they proved him wrong when they came to his house and took his TV to the backyard to execute it via firing squad.
Chuck Nice: (as the TV is getting shot at) Wait, stop! Don't shoot! Don't shoot! You'll kill us all! We're in here!
The number one clip in "Hillbillies 5" is of a man who got kicked out of an all-you-can-eat restaurant and called the police in response.
Mike T.: You called 911 for this, you fat fuck?
One of the strangest stories in "Hillbillies 1" is the one of Shannon Whisnant after he finds a mummified severed leg in a smoker he bought at an auction. Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, Whisnant uses the leg as a tourist attraction. But then things become awkward when the leg's original owner, John Wood, takes him to court so he can have it back. Wood wins the case and custody over his leg, while Whisnant has to use a fake leg.

Holidays (Or, more specifically, the dumb things that happen on holidays)

An officer pulls over a drunk driver, dressed in a crappy zombie costume for Halloween.
Officer: Are you bleeding?
Drunk: It's Halloween stuff.
Officer: Oh, Halloween stuff. What are you dressed as?
Drunk: A dead guy.
Officer: A gay guy, okay.
Drunk: No, a dead guy.
In a clip of a family gathering at Christmastime, a grown man and his elderly mother try their hand - or rather, feet - at DanceDanceRevolution. When the son takes his turn, his mother (who is somewhat better than him) starts mocking and taunting him. He actually shoves his mother down to the floor with one hand, and without even breaking away from the game.
The clip of a tradition that takes place in the village of Ottery Saint Mary, England during Guy Fawkes Day. It involves children racing back and forth in the street, carrying flaming barrels of tar on their backs. Apparently, it is supposed to ward off evil spirits.
Leif: If I was an evil spirit and I saw a bunch of people running around with barrels on their back, with tar in them, on fire... Yeah, I'd probably leave.
The funeral for Willy, the albino groundhog mascot of Wiarton, Ontario, Canada. It's as bizarre as it sounds.
Roger Lodge: Are you kidding me? Get over it, Canada! It's a glorified rat! Unbelievable.
Groundhog: Oh, yeah? And you're basically a glorified monkey! What of it?

Inventions (Technically, it's "World's Smartest Inventions", but we'll take it anyway)

"Inventions 5":
- Ladies and gentlemen, "The Beerpager". A device you put your beer in to locate it, even through walls...
  Kevin: Just in case your beer has literally been kidnapped.
  Mike T.: Where is my beer? Oh, there it is! It's in my belly!
  Danny: It's like "The Clapper" for drunks!
  - Brad takes a dig at the company that makes it:
    Brad: Weebly? Weebly is a lot more creative than "White Trash, Inc.".
- The Ms. Taken ring: essentially, a fake wedding ring for women to drive away perverts that are hitting on them.
  Informercial Announcer: The Ms. Taken Femme Fatale ring packet comes with a blingin' 2-carat Australian crystal—
  Wes: Australian crystal?! Uh-uh!
  - And Brad has a complaint about the product:
    Brad: This takes all the fun out of telling a dude you're a lesbian!
- From the HatCam segment, we see different cast members using the thing, including Brendon (allegedly on his first day^note) and Leif encountering each other.
  Brendon: Are you the new guy?
  Leif: I'm the new guy? You're the new guy.
  Brendon: Ah, dude... I've been doing this—
  Leif: Excuse me, bro... come on, I've been here since Season 1.
  Brendon: Oh.
  Leif: How about you?
  Brendon: I've been here since 9:00.
  Leif: Oh, congratulations! Welcome.
Jaime Andrews on "The Drib" from "Inventions 4".
Jaime: "The Drib"? Well, I guess "Pig In A Blanket" was already taken.
The Hypocritical Humor on Ace Power in "Inventions 10".
Mike T.: Man, that workout equipment sure looks stupid. Now, where was I? (starts using the Shake Weight)
"Inventions 8" had Kevin and Frankie calling shots after seeing an invention they actually like. Frank is the winner.
The "Hot Doll", a French sex toy "for trendy dogs only" from "Inventions 4":
Mike T.: Well, pooch. I've got good news and bad news. The good news is you get to keep your balls. The bad news is you're going to hump this thing for my enjoyment.
Kevin: Congratulations, France. I guess this violates some U.N. resolution.
- Loni wonders who'd try that thing and guesses John Enos would. Cut to a clip of John showing the "Hot Doll" to his chihuahuas.
The "Man Bib" invention from "Inventions 10", meant to help guys, shall we say, cleanup. None of the commentators can believe it.
Loni: [cracking up] Y'all so nasty! Y'all so nasty...
Mike Britt, in response to an elderly gentleman's comments about Bowser Beer being made in America, and having U.S.D.A.-approved ingredients.
Mike B.: We get it grandpa! Stars and stripes! Red, white, and blue! Got it! It's dog beer, dude...
Mike Trainor, offering us his alternative to Flying Pasties (works especially well for Big Guys) from "Inventions 4":
Mike T: Whenever I have to go through the scanner at the airport, I just tuck my junk in between my legs... does nothing for my security, but it gives them something to talk about.
The cast members' reactions to Squishy Baff in "Inventions 8", which turns your bath water into a squishy goo.
Kevin: "You can turn water into a squishy goo"? Do we have to?
Chuck: Squishy Baff! First of all, thank you for making me feel culturally comfortable!
Gary: It's stupid to goo yourself from finding your own pleasure points. Need I say more? Need I say more? (Jaimie and Brendon look on worriedly).
The Sip N' Dip Cookie Dipper from "Inventions 9", that allows you to dunk your cookie into your milk without spilling milk or messing your fingers; the inventor says it's for all your favorite cookies, but it's clearly created with small cookies like Oreos or girl scout cookies in mind. Jared Logan wants to dunk his favorite cookie - a black-and-white cookie - but sees it won't fit. He stares at the camera with a look of horror.
Kevin: Finally we're now to a point where our inventors are inventing problems to invent inventions for.
- Brad pointing out the inventor's unusual accent, which makes him sound like a vampire.
  Inventor: After watching my 2-year-old niece try and have milk and cookie[...]
  Brad: "Milk and cookie"? What, did she only get one cookie?
From "Inventions 8", Michael Loftus' reaction to an American-made invention that allows you to slip your hand into a small cubical pillow thing to let you rest your head for a quick nap.
Michael: I remember when we used to do cool shit like go to the moon, and now we're like, "We made a block of foam! And put a cover on it!! U.S.A.!!! U.S.A.!!!"
My Best Friend's Fork in "Inventions 7", a special fork invented by a woman named Val Arnold, who likes to feed her dogs from a fork; the BFF is designed with a looped handle and rounded edges for the dog's safety.
Nick: You don't want your dog to choke on a fork? PUT THE FOOD IN A BOWL!
- Val goes on to note the fork's decorations.
Val: I have a pink rhinestone for girls, a blue rhinestone for boys, and a diamond.
Brad: So what's the diamond for? Tranny dogs?
The cast has a field day mocking the terrible English of the Russian models on a Japanese commercial for a mop in "Inventions 7".
Blonde model: Little Dolphin Mop. Just poosh it. It help me do the houseworking very easily and I'm still very preetty.
John: Whatever the fuck she said, I'm buyin' it! I'm buyin' like, five, ten of those!
- To make things weirder, the brand is Dolphin Mop.
  Kevin: Because when you think mop, you think dolphin.
- To boot, the subtitles don't match:
  Announcer: Sandstorms come from the other side of the sea, hitting Japan on the Sun.
  Subtitles: Sand storms comes from the other side of the sea. It hits Japan on the Sun.
Ted on the Happy Hot Dog Man from "Inventions 6":
Look, let's face it. Eating is a drag for kids. That's why only 90% of them are obese◊.
Manel Torres, the inventor of FabriCan (spray-on fabric) is invited to the show (in "Inventions 8") to spray Mike T. and Brad; he only manages to spray fabric on the front of their torsos.
Torres: You know, I get invited here in New York to spray two gorgeous models, and here, what I'm having is I'm having these two guys, and—
Mike T.: Yeah, well, I'm not fuckin' thrilled about this either, so why don't we just—
Brad: (walks in) What did you say?! (To Mike T.) Hold on a sec, (to Torres) did you just call me fat?!
Kevin's reaction to a contraption to strap around a dog's genitals to "prevent accidental breeding."
Kevin: Dude, how slutty is your dog?!
In "Inventions 10", Brad's reaction to Flavor Funnel, a funnel made for even distribution of butter on movie popcorn:
Brad: The fact that someone took the time to invent this, I'm assuming we've already cured cancer, solved global warming, and have flying cars?
Former MLB player Mark Littell endorsing the Nutty Buddy in "Inventions 2":
Mark Littell: Hi, I'm Mark Littell, I've been in the game a long time, ever since I was eighteen years old; I think I'm over fifty now...
Jaime: You think you're in your fifties? Maybe you should be more worried about protecting your head.
Mike Trainor's reaction to the Slim-T from "Inventions 4".
Mike T.: Problem solved! I was gonna stop having ice cream for lunch, but this is much easier!
From "Inventions 12", the commentators poking fun at Bob Balow, the inventor of the "Original Pasta Fork."
Ted: Unfortunately, nobody ever sees it...because Bob always eats alone.
Chris F.: See how those noodles wrap around that fork? That's what I want to do with my arms around Bob, 'cause he needs a hug.
Ted's comment on the Touch 'n' Brush in "Inventions 12":
Ted: It's a great way to help spread the flu to your entire family.
The "Daddle" from "Inventions 3", a saddle to carry your kids on:
Danny: We had a name for this invention when I was growing up. It was called a "pillow".
Tonya: I've come up with an invention. A "Doggle! A saddle for your dog!
The gang is rather amused by the Talking T.P. from "Inventions 3", which allows you to record messages on a special holder:
Marianne: (to Todd) I've got gonorrhea and so do you!
- Billy sees potential to record political messages, such as "Free Palestine" and calls for a universal healthcare service.
The Cuchini from "Inventions 3", an invention to cover "camel toes". Loni thinks it sounds like a pizza topping, while the guys are too outraged by the very idea behind the product to comment on the absolutely creepy camel mascot.
- This comment from Ted Jessup:
  "Weirdly, in my experience, not a good gift for your mother-in-law."
The cast's reactions to the Carstache from "Inventions 3":
Kevin: That car behind me looks like a sex offender.
Mike T.: Even in a world where cars have mustaches, there is no reason why a car would have a pink one!
Billy: The Carstache generates several reactions, such as... (does some gestures of indifference)
From "Inventions 8", the Kwik-Sip, a special faucet that turns a sink's regular faucet into a water fountain. Brendon Walsh then has an Imagine Spot on what the Kwik-Sip might do to the paper cup industry:
Ted: I'm sorry, folks. After 70 years, we're closing down the paper cup factory.
Daniel: But...why?
Ted: Because of a new invention called the "Kwik-Sip". Turns your sink into a fountain.
Daniel: I guess Kwik-Sip doesn't care about my family. (Daniel takes out his wallet, which has a picture of him, his wife, and his two kids, both of whom have Ted's face photoshopped over them)
Ted: No, I suppose they don't.
Daniel: KWIK-SIP!!!!!!!
- Later in the same episode: the Go-Plate, a plate that can hold food and drinks so that the buyer can eat while standing. Brendon proceeds to have another Imagine Spot on what the Go-Plate will do to the table industry:
  Chuck: Sorry, people. Gonna have to shut down the factory.
  Daniel: You're kidding me! People don't buy tables anymore?
  Chuck: Nope. They just put their stuff on Go-Plates.
  Daniel: GO-PLATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Russian vodka bottle with a "talking cap", encouraging drinking:
Kevin: Congratulations, Russia! You've made your drinking problem even more depressing.
The "GoGirl", a funnel (or "vag-funnel", as Chuck would put it) devised to allow women to use pissing stands:
Woman 1: OK. So you're new to this peeing while standing business?
Woman 2: Don't worry. Most women haven't heard about this.
Woman 3: But the women of Europe already have
Billy: You have the Tower of Pisa... the Eiffel Tower... and in the middle of it all, women stand up to pee.
Brad: Every time a woman sees a landmark pees on herself. That's what this is about?
It may be awesome to look at, but John Enos does make a good point about the greatsword by Cold Steel in "Inventions 9".
John Enos: Do you know how long it takes to swing a six-pound sword?
- During the end credits, the Cold Steel spokesman uses the sword to destroy some of the other inventions seen in the episode.
The "Broccoli Wad" from "Inventions 6", a proposed alternative to wallets hawked by Vincent Pastore. Its commercial includes almost every stereotype about Italian-American "wiseguys" and has a silly autotune segment.
Mike T.: This commercial is kinda Jersey (autotuned) but I think we could Jersey it up a little more with some autotune.
- Kevin points out that wise guys generally don't speak about their activities in public, before receiving an intimidating visit from Pastore, who also does the same to Chuck and Mike in other segments during the episode.
  Vincent Pastore: (in commercial) Wise guys don't carry that wallet. Wise guys don't carry that briefcase.
  Kevin McCaffrey: You know what else wise guys don't do, is talk about being wise guys in public.
  Vincent: (in person) Hey, kid...what do you know about wise guys?
  Kevin: ("Oh, Crap!" face) Uh...nothing. I-I don't know anyth—I don't know anything. I was just joking...I was...just playing...
  Vincent: I'm just [bleep]in' with you.
From "Inventions 2":
- Frank Stallone's thoughts on GasBGone, a pair of underwear that's supposed to reduce the smell of flatulence.
  "This is like hazmat. What the f**k, it's like a diaper? Why don't you just change your diet?"
- Loni noticing the HandyMitts guy is not wearing pants under his apron.
  "Instead of HandyMitts, you need to get you some pants."
  - Then Bryan:
    "Course I better not misplace my apron. So, a lot of times I sew the apron to my own skin."
- Daniel Baldwin's thoughts on the Rear Gear, a literal ass cover for your dog.
  "They should make these in the likeness of the person who orders them, because if you make your dog wear this, you're an a**hole."
- Everyone's horrified reactions to what the lady who used NADS ^notea hair removal product looked like before.
- Daisy on the Bumper Dumper:
  "Do not tell Jeff Foxworthy about the Bumper Dumper, he will base an entire comeback tour around it."
The entirety of the Johnny Light^noteA night light for your toilet segment from "Inventions 3".
- "Albert! Albert, I'll get you!"
  Ted Jessup: I might pee on the seat, too, if I was married to that homicidal eighty-year-old.
- Loni on the idea of having an embarrassing splashdown:
  "Big asses can't fit in the toilet, so it don't matter."
- "No broken hips for Grandma."
  Loni: Oh please, show Grandma again, that was funny.
  Grandma: No broken hips for Grandma.
  Billy Kimball: Oh, Grandma. Do not speak too soon.
Chelsea on the lack of realism in the "SpeedFit"^notea treadmill on wheels ad in "Inventions 3":
"Where are all the shots of the neighbors pointing and laughing?"
In "Inventions 9", a guy advertises the "Squatty Potty", a product that's supposed to help with going to the bathroom. During which, he brings up Jimmy Carter's hemorrhoids.
Squatty Potty Spokesman: He said it hurts to go. Me me, me hurty.
Jared Logan: Jimmy Carter generally didn't speak like a toddler that had some sort of recent concussion.
Mike Trainor: (impersonating Frank Stallone) You know what really caused Carter's hemorrhoids, a guy by the name of Ronald Reagan.

Lovers (Televisual showcase of Love Makes You Do Stupid Things)

The fact that this show took a swipe at Farmers Only Dot Com (the dating website specifically for farmers and plain ol' country folk) should be enough to earn it an Emmy.
Website tagline: City folks just don't get it.
Frankie: Yeah. We don't fuck sheep. That's why we don't get it.
The turtle humping a shoe. 'Nuff said.
Mike Trainor: I had no idea turtles made any sound ever at all. I guess they were saving it for a special occasion.
Kevin: This is nice because I... actually haven't had a nightmare in a while. That's put an end to that.
Judy: It's funny because I would hear that same sound coming from my parents' bedroom at night when I was little.
A clip features a local LA public access show whose host tells her female audience to "ride" their sexual lives (or as she puts it, "vagina power"), which (sort of) explains her wearing a pilot's uniform. And her mother is besides her, looking visibly embarrassed.
A man in India runs away on the day of his wedding, being visibly distraught as he is dragged to his bride, who is actually quite... homely. Judy also points out that his being a florist might have something to do with his not wanting to get married.
The footage of a couple having sex in a tattoo parlor. Can't get any more indecent than that.
A British couple have sex in their backyard, much to their neighbours' grief (the pair apparently did this in response to complaints about their illegal fencing of the front of their house). Meanwhile, Wes is dismayed by the fact the two horn-dogs end up moving to Australia.
The number 1 clip in "Lovers 2" shows a man in the hospital due to a...misfortune on his nether regions. To be precise, in order to prolong an erection, he stuck two metal washers on his penis. To get them off, the doctors had to saw them off... and were pretty much surprised to find the second one. All the guys were visibly uncomfortable at the entire situation.
A man in Hong Kong apparently got so horny he tried to make love to a park bench...and got his penis stuck in the process. Rescuers tried to relieve the swelling by draining his penis of blood, but when that doesn't work, they took him and the bench to the hospital. Four hours later, they were finally separated.
Brad: If they had left the bench on for another hour, they would have had to amputate his cock, which I think would have been for the best.
One clip told the story of a man making love to his picnic table...right in full view of a school playground across the street from his house. The commentators all agree that the kids probably had a lot of questions to ask their parents after that. The man is arrested for public indecency.
Perhaps one of the most disgusting videos is the one in "Lovers 2" about the man who serves his guests cheese... made from his wife's breast milk. The man wishes to sell his cheese but unsurprisingly, the FDA refuses to accept that.
The "Lovers 2" clip of the guy looking at saucy photos while at work while also on television.
In "Lovers 3", a couple vacationing in Turks and Caicos gets their crotches poked at by an aroused bottlenose dolphin.
Brad: Wow, someone clearly wants some chicken of the sea.
The crazy opossum lady returns in "Lovers 3", this time showing how to massage an opossum.
Chelsea: I actually read this woman's book, "Totally Bonkers".

Motorheads (Drivers 2.0)

From "Motorheads 2", a ship in Canada is trying to pass under a bridge, but when the bridge doesn't lift up in time, the ship plows right through the bridge, catching on fire in the process. No one is hurt, but an investigation later reveals that the bridge operator was impaired by alcohol and painkillers earlier that day.
From "Motorheads 9", Mike Trainor in response to a drunken Russian crashing a bulldozer through a parking lot, and the owners of the wrecked take turns beating him up (and at one point, pull up his shirt and smack him):
Mike T.: His shirt's up! Everybody give him a pink belly! (Starts smacking Brad Loekle's belly) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (Serious tone) Seriously, we're really mad at you.
From "Motorheads 5", we see a tractor in a Walmart parking lot in Ontario, with no driver inside, which the cast turns into an episode of Scooby-Doo, with Brendon Walsh playing Shaggy, and Michael Loftus playing Scooby-Doo (also Mike Trainor and Brad Loekle are a pair of fraidy-cat cops).
Brendon as Shaggy: We've figured out that the ghost tractor was none other than Old Man Ted Jessup!
Ted: (wearing a hoodie) Would've gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for you meddlin' grown men pretending to be cartoon characters!
Michael as Scooby: Scooby-dooby-doo!
After a particularly ridiculous scooter accident in India in "Motorheads 5":
Wes: Ah, India. A billion people. Six good drivers.
Brad: Now when he calls his insurance line, does he get a guy in Montana?
The opening skit of "Motorheads 9", where Brendon invokes both Stalker with a Crush and Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!, as he hops into his slick black car and speeds off for taping.
Brendon: (Fumbling with his phone) When the hell will Tonya Harding text me back?! Ooh, a Twix!
Brendon reaches for the Twix bar, driving his now-beat up-looking yellow car off a cliff.
Brendon: Ohhhhhhhhhh, the iiironyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy....
Fiery crash
From "Motorheads 8", after the clip from Russia of the jeep crashing backwards into a car:
Billy: Sometimes, uh, my family, we like to have what we call a "Russian picnic." We take a picnic hamper, and we fill it up with some sausages and eight bottles of vodka, and then we go out in the woods and we destroy a car — what we call a "Russian picnic."
Mike Trainor's impression of Frank Stallone in "Motorheads 4".
In "Motorheads 10", during a car race in a French countryside, one of the racers loses control of his car, drives through a vineyard and slams into a telephone pole, knocking out power in four local villages.
Chef (a stock actor): (the power goes out and the souffle in the oven deflates) Zut alors!
Mike O'Gorman (as a doctor): (the power goes out in a hospital room) Aaaaaand... He's dead.
Rachel: (as the patient's wife) No!
Mike Trainor: (sits on a couch watching French porn) Le boobies! Yes! (the power goes out) Aaaahhh!!! Sacre bleu baaaaaaaalllls!!!!!
- One clip showed a man named Ken Olson in Australia being chased by a driver with the worst cage of road rage after accidentally bumping into his car. When Ken shows footage of the attack on the news, the attacker, 21-year-old Edward Sullivan turns himself in and he is charged with aggravated assault.
Driver: He's jumping on my bonnet! Ah, he's smashing my windshield!
Mike Trainor: When you use the word "bonnet", it's only a matter of time before someone tries to BASICALLY MURDER YOU!!!
From "Motorheads 6":
- The cop chasing after an Amish horse and buggy. When the chase is over and the cop follows them to their farm, the Amish men mostly ignore her, and when the guy finally does speak, he asks her if she knows the straw hat law.
  Jaime Andrews: I tried to look up the straw hat law, but apparently the Amish have not put it on the internet.
- When a woman drives a car through a bike shop:
  Brendon Walsh: Woah, every bike is trashed? You mean to tell me I shaved my legs for nothing?
  - And Brad has this comment to one of the customers in the bike shop:
    Brad: To the girl who's already on crutches, God hates you. Watch your back.
- A guy in the middle of a police chase, stops to take a piss on the road.
- A guy driving a truck with no brakes, tries to put his foot out to stop it.
The clip of Rev. Ignatius J. Kury in the drunk tank in "Motorheads 3".
Brad: In the name of the father, the son, and the holy shit.
The number nineteen clip in Motorheads 6 featured a biker getting slammed by a large antelope. The only thing the man suffers is a concussion.
Brad: Is this where the deer and the antelope play? Because it is violent.
From "Motorheads 3", after a clip of Russians being...well, Russians.
Wes Denning: Don't show this clip to Frank Stallone. He'll have a stroke.
Michael Loftus: (as Frank Stallone) [BLEEP]ing Russians. They're so stupid. That's why they'll never get [BLEEP]. Yeah.
Frank Stallone: Is Frank Stallone being set up? You know, I'm gonna start forwarding some of this hate mail over to you at World's Dumbest.
From "Motorheads 4", a crane delivers a pool to a man's backyard in Minnesota. Unfortunately, the weight of the pool proves too much for the crane, and it topples over, smashing into the man's roof. Fortunately, he doesn't sue and the company offers to pay for the repairs.

Outlaws (Criminals 2.0)

"Outlaws 3" features the story of a man who steals a parrot from a pet shop. He then tries to sell it to another pet shop but they've already got the notice about the shoplifting. But the story doesn't end there. Some time later, the man returns to the first pet shop to look for another parrot before getting caught.
Mike Trainor mocking the burglar in the first clip of “Outlaws 3” who basically tries to smash open a cash register like a bird trying to drop a turtle on a rock.
Mike T.: Fisthead want money! Money in magic box! Pound magic box open!
- To make it even more outrageous, not only is Fisthead wearing perhaps the worst disguise yet (a pair of pantyhose barely concealing his face), but he also happens to be a former employee at the store he's robbing.
Mike Trainor, on a clip in "Outlaws 6" featuring a man who robbed a hotel that was hosting a mixed-martial-arts fighters convention:
Mike T.: Whenever you go to rob a hotel, uh, check the little sign when you come in, make sure it doesn't say "Welcome, ass-kicking champs."
Mike T. on an "Outlaws 9" clip in Ecuador of a man wearing sunglasses walking by and ignoring two school girls being attacked by a random man.
Mike T.: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't notice two girls being assaulted, I was busy looking cool.
"Outlaws 2" features the story of a black man who robbed a bank. When the story hits the news, his girlfriend turns him in. But that's not the strange part. It turns out the "black" man was actually a white man named Conrad Zdzierak, who wore a very convincing prosthetic mask and gloves. The best part is IT NEARLY WORKED! The disguise was so convincing, police almost arrested the wrong guy, only to realize their mistake after finding out the truth. They are later put on an alert for any potential copycats.
Loni: See? They're always blamin' a brother...
- The skit at the end.
  Todd: (wearing a prosthetic white man mask) Okay, this is a robbery! Read this note! Do exactly what it says!
  Danny: (takes off the mask) What did you expect? Todd Bridges?
From "Outlaws 2" is the story of sheep rustlers who managed to get away with the entire flock. Police caught them and as part of their punishment, the rustlers are forced to take part in a video to show how they stole the sheep. First, they get close to the truck carrying the sheep then the passenger jumps onto it and tosses the sheep into a large basket attached to their motorcycle.
Also from "Outlaws 2" is the Gag Dub of a marijuana-smuggling pigeon:
Okay, fine! I'll talk! For a French fry.
- Brian and Jimmy McMillan "re-enact" the rationale for using a pigeon.
  Brian: We could use an eagle to bring us some drugs.
  Jimmy: Show some respect for the flag, man.
  Brian: Then we could use an ostrich.
  Jimmy: Ostriches don't fly.
  Brian: They will if you strap a jetpack on their backs...
Also from "Outlaws 2" is the story of two women who rob a Home Depot in Florida. When the manager and a couple of workers attempt to stop them, they get blasted in the face with pepper spray...but not before they realize the "women" are actually transvestites named Kendall Lowery and David Tucker. The two of them escape, but don't get far, as the police later find them hiding in a nearby truck. They are arrested and charged with robbery and aggravated battery on a senior citizen.
The 911 calls from a drunk Floridian woman named Joan Mayo from "Outlaws 8" have to be heard to be believed. Yes. Calls. She called them four times all for a pack of cigarettes and other ridiculous demands, also insulting the officers all the time.
- Before this, one of the examples of a stupid 911 call, is a woman who reports that a guy took a beer out of her hand, only for the alleged beer thief to say "That's a lie" in the background.^note
One clip from "Outlaws 7" told the story of a woman who had her bike stolen. A week later, she finds her bike on Craigslist. She calls the police and she gets her bike back. What's funny is that they told the story in rhyme with flash animation.
In another clip that had animation and rhyming featured the story of a man who robbed a geology museum while wearing a ghillie suit. Unfortunately for him, the disguise does not work on the K-9 units, who promptly bite him the instant they catch up to him.
From "Outlaws 5", how does a store owner in Norway stop a robber from getting away? By using a forklift to pick up his getaway vehicle!
The voiceover in "Outlaws 8", for a man in China that got stuck in a restaurant's ventilation shaft while trying to sneak in and rob it.
Bryan Callen: Look, a baby criminal. A criminal's being born everybody. Eww.
Danny Bonaduce: Can you imagine what this what've been like without the lube? And believe me, I've said that before.
Mike Trainor: What's with the suit? Are they sending him out for job interviews?
Brendon Walsh: Oh, I'm sure you'll be okay, little Chinese guy. They don't go too hard on criminals in China, do they?
Also from "Outlaws 8", the guy that starts shooting at a change machine in a laundry mat.
Voiceover: Yo, give me all your money, change machine! (shoots the machine) Oh! You think I'm playin'? I ain't playin'! Where's the money at? (shoots it four more times) Alright, forget it. (leaves)
From "Outlaws 9":
- Jared Logan, regarding an old man who pulls a gun on two hoodlums trying to rob an internet café.
  "(as the old man) What? They were robbers? I just shot at them 'cause they interrupted my game of solitaire."
- #18, a man calling 911 and freaking out over a case of Deja vu.
  Caller: Everything that happened today is actually in my dream and I wanna prove to everybody.
  [....]
  Jared Logan: I don't know. Does realizing that all of reality is just a construct I created in my imagination, that then becomes true because I have dragon blood an emergency? Yeah, it might be.
  Billy Kimball: The one part of his dream that I bet is really happening is the part where he's not wearing any pants.
  Mike Trainor: (upon seeing the guy's mugshot) I had a dream last night, that I saw a guy with mismatched ears and a mildly infected piercing, so I am freaking out right now!
- Clip #16 features bank robbers in a Volvo who keep tossing money out of the car until they're cornered.
  Billy Kimball: A Volvo? What, are they gonna drop the stolen money off at soccer practice?
  Chris Fairbanks: (upon seeing a man in white sneakers, black slacks, a white dress shirt and a black tie being lead away by police) The second guy looks like a manager at a TGI Friday's.
- Kevin on the store owner in Clip #15:
  "Where's Waldo? Apparently he owns a convenience store and he's beating some ass."
  - And then, after a bunch of people storm into the store to help the owner deal with the robber:
    Mike Trainor: Oh s**t, someone called the cousins.
    Brad Loekle: This went from a burglary to a block party.
- #12, a drunk naked man who interrupts an interview of an elderly couple in Arkansas that had a tree fall on their house.
  - The voiceover for the old woman, which somewhat matches her actual lip movements: "That's one big penis this dude's got."
  - Mike Trainor, regarding the neighbor who called 911, but didn't want go near the naked man.
    "Agh, uh no, I'm not going out there. That's how the gay spreads."
  - "Look, I had too much to drink and I had way too much acid. At the time, the only way to run from the Chupacabra was to get naked."
- #6, a group of outlaws in England that try but fail to steal motorcycles.
  - Loni on the outlaws wearing helmets:
    "Any time someone comes into your store looking like the Power Rangers, be on look out."
  - Chuck Nice on one of the outlaws not using his weapon:
    "I got a crowbar and I will not hesitate to make threatening gestures with it."
- Clip #5, an overweight man in Canada that tries to shoplift a box of razors, but ends up losing his shirt.
  Brendon Walsh: When I said I wanted to see more nudity in these videos, this is not what I meant!
  Mike Trainor: That's a naked torso that the world was not meant to see.
  - When the man is arrested:
    Mike Trainor: (as an officer) You have the right to remain shirtless, any shirt you wear will make this situation less funny.
    Kevin McCaffrey: He was charged with theft and first-degree plumber's crack.
Clip #8 from "Outlaws 5" features two men dressed as clowns robbing a jewelry store.
- The voiceover that really leans into the clown theme:
  Clown 1: Yo, stick 'em up! The circus is in town everyone!
  Clown 1: Come on, it's time to start the show people. Hurry up, my makeup's running.
  Clown 1: (as he's getting out a garbage bag) This is a little trick I call: "Watch the jewelry disappear."
  Clown 1: Hurry up, we don't got all day. Gotta go to a kid's birthday party after this.
- This comment from Kevin:
  "Was this robbery directed by Tim Burton?"
- This exchange with Jaime Andrews acting as the clerk:
  Jaime Andrews: Sure, sure take whatever you need, ma'am.
  Clown 1: (the clown in the video turns his head towards the clerk) What?!
  Jaime Andrews: Uhh, sir or..?
  Clown 2: (turns his head towards the clerk) Shut up!
- But the cherry on top is that all the jewelry they stole were only the display models.
One "Outlaws 3" clip featured a Chicago woman swiping a neighbor's snow shovel. The neighbor retaliates by using a snowblower to bury her car, which takes her four hours to dig out. As for the snow shovel, it is anonymously returned to its owner.
Michael Loftus: Revenge is a dish best served cold and in Chicago. And with a snowblower. So fuckin' great.
Mike T. Oh, that chick ain't going anywhere 'til they open up Wrigley.
#2 from "Outlaws 5" features the cutest jailbreak: one corgi breaks another out of a cage.
The number one clip from "Outlaws 8" features a man in the back of a police car singing "Bohemian Rhapsody". Badly, mind you.
"Outlaws 7" had a clip that showed two babies, one of whom the mother suspects keeps sneaking out of the crib. So she sets up the camera and pretends to leave the room. Sure enough, one of the babies leaves the crib and tries to go for the camera.
Brad: See, even the toddler knows to take out the security camera. What's wrong with the rest of these people?
The number 19 clip from "Outlaws 8" showed a man being kicked out of an English pub for smoking in a non-smoking area. He later comes back, armed with a chainsaw. People start throwing stuff at him, ranging from beer bottles to chairs. As he finally makes his exit, one man attacks him with an empty keg and knocks him out cold. Bar patrons subdue him until police arrive. He's arrested, and sentenced to three years in prison for the assault, which left one patron needing twenty-one stitches.
The number 2 clip from "Outlaws 3" showed a clearly mentally disabled man in an adult diaper stealing chips from a convenience store.
Mike B: I tell you what, that baby's been through a lot because he's got hair on his chest!
- Then there's the bit with Loni and Todd.
Loni: Anyone seen a big baby? He look like an NBA player?
Todd: (dressed in a diaper) Mommy? Mommy?

Partiers (Some people shouldn't be allowed to party)

In a "Partiers 14" clip from Azerbaijan, a drunken man wakes up in red lingerie in the middle of the beach, apparently after losing a dare. The idiot unsuccessfully tries to divert attention to save face.
From a clip where a group of drunken teenagers are pulled over by the police for stealing a bait car:
Passenger: We shouldn't have done this, dawg, this was stupid as fuck!
Driver: I know. I love you, guys.
Others: We love you too, dawg.
Brad: You guys don't have to say your goodbyes like it's Thelma & Louise. You're just getting arrested...
Pretty much any of the cast's response to clips where someone is eventually knocked unconscious.
Mike T.: Quick! Everybody do everything that you're not supposed to do with an unconscious person! You, move her! You, hump her! You, pour water on her!
Jaime: You've been hit by a bus... lay down [rubs fingers together] for a minute...
Jaime: He's out, quick, everybody crowd around him!
In a "Partiers 21" clip of women reggae dancing, one girl whips her head around so much, her wig flies off and lands on the ground.
Jared Logan: EVERYBODY RUN! IT'S A GIANT TARANTULA!
From "Partiers 19", Mike Trainor playing the part of a Giants fan, who was arrested while behaving erratically at a celebration party.
Mike T.: Can you imagine how that guy's gonna explain this to his girlfriend? "So, how'd you get arrested?", "Well, the Giants won the Super Bowl... dot-dot-dot, just come pick me up!"
- Also from "Partiers 19", Tonya watching a clip of monkeys irritated at a drunk man invading their pen in a zoo.
Tonya: Monkeys are so cool... especially the ones with the big asses that stick out, I mean, huurrrrr...
- Also from a "Partiers 19" clip, an incredibly drunk man being forced from a bar, while he pulls down his pants and yells at various different people to fuck him.
Daniel: "Get back here before I pull my pants up" has got to be one of the least effective threats I have ever heard.
- Mike T. making fast friends with the special guest star: Crystal the Monkey from The Hangover Part II. He then declares that he's calling her Party Monkey for the rest of the episode.
Kevin McCaffrey's response to a woman being given a sobriety test, who remarks, "I'm Irish, I'm hot-blooded!" in "Partiers 2".
Kevin: If you want to convince a police officer that you're not drunk, saying you're Irish is not a good way to do it. That's like trying to get out of a drug charge by being like, "Hey, I'm Andy Dick!"
From "Partiers 5", an athlete celebrates by drinking way too much vodka. Loni tries to figure out his speech.
Loni: What the hell is he saying? Does anybody speak vodka?
Also from "Partiers 5", a guy tries to drink 151 proof rum. He fails miserably and ends up puking all over the place, slips on it, and falls to the ground. The dog proceeds to lick it up.
"Partiers 20" shows a clip of a tailgating party where an elderly lady is actually getting her groove on, and even drawing attention from other younger people attending the party... and then a guy just walks by right in front of the camera.
Mike T: I like that one dude who just walks through full speed; "Do-da-loo-do-do! Nothin' weird here!"
From "Partiers 13", the whole commentary for the clip of a drunk woman singing about something being "so cute" (and other unintelligible lyrics) and doing a rather fan disservice-y dance with a refrigerator.
Michael Loftus: What...The hell...Am I watching?
Mike T.: In a related story, my penis just attempted suicide.
- And guess who's videotaping it all? Her son.
  Cameraman: You're doing great, Mom.
  Danny Bonaduce: It's his mom?!
From "Partiers 12":
- In the "100 and Zero" segment, we have a cop pulling someone over. This is how we are shown just how drunk the driver was.
  Cop: Sir? How long have you been here?
  Driver: Hallelujah?
  Cop: What?
  Driver: Hallelujah?
  Todd Bridges: God's not gonna help you, bro.
  - When the driver then tries to do a Hail Mary, Daniel Baldwin calmly remarks "I don't think this was the kind of confession the cop was hoping to get."
  - It only gets worse from there. The driver is so fucked up, when asked how much they had to drink, his answer "down to a science" is they had "six and half minutes".
  - And then, you get the moment the segment was named after: "Can you say the alphabet straight through from A to Z?"
    Driver: Let's see... Nineteen-ninety... six... ninety-seven... ninety-eight... ninety-nine... one hundred.
    Mike T.: (as the driver) Oh, oh, when you said "alphabet", I thought you meant just say numbers in no order at all. That isn't the alphabet? Oh...
    Cop: Tell me when you're done. Okay?
    Driver: One hundred.
    Cop: You done?
    Driver: Hundred and... zero- hundred and zero.
    Chelsea: (as the driver) One hundred, one hundred and zero... Gotcha. Gotta pay attention.
- Later on in the episode, we have another dashcam video of a cop pulling over a drunk driver. How bad is this one? The segment is called "Chicken Sandwich Sandwich".
  Kevin McCaffrey: You had a chicken sandwich sandwich? The sandwich so nice, they named it twice?
  Ted Jessup: You take a chicken sandwich, and you put it in a chicken sandwich, and then you soak it in grain alcohol.
  - When the cop takes the driver into his car, he makes a point of telling her to let him know if she's about to vomit, so they can avoid her puking in the car. Ten minutes later, guess what happens.
    Daisy Gardner: (as the cop) F*ck! D*mnit, chicken sandwich sandwich everywhere!
    Mike T.: People, people! Do not eat the chicken sandwich sandwich! It is making people vomit and drive poorly!
- In one segment, one guy is getting into an intense arguement with another about getting him to try some guacamole. Eventually, the girl filming the fight suggests they smoke some weed instead.
  Danny: Weed might actually be a good solution here. If you smoke enough, you'd probably be willing to eat the whole bowl!
  (cut to Leif Garrett gleefully rubbing his hands together)
From "Partiers 14", we get a clip of someone miserably failing a sobriety test. Normal enough but the person in question? David Cassidy.
Mike T.: I thought we've filled our stupid Partridge quota for this show already.
Danny: And just like that, I'm no longer the most embarrassing member of The Partridge Family. Thanks, Dave!
In "Partiers 14", a group of partiers at Chambers Creek end up saving a drunk man from drowning after he passed out...in the sewage runoff.
Todd: I am revoking your brother license! Don't you know we hate water?
"Partiers 4" has a segment featuring a carnival in Panama that degenerates into a series of fistfights between the revelers, with the commentators speaking in a heavily mangled Spanish.
This clip from "Partiers 14", titled The Not So Great Escape where a woman jumps out the backseat of a moving cop car.
Narrator: Despite the hard landing, she suffers only minor injur-
[cuts to her mugshot, with her face beat up and bloodied with massive swelling]
Narrator: Uhhh....
Mike T: Ugh. Oh my God, she looks like a Garbage Pail Kid!
Chelsea Peretti: So many questions I want to ask that mugshot. Was it worth it?
Daniel Baldwin: (while in a blonde wig) Kinda.
Chelsea: Did you get to pee, girl?
Daniel: Sorta.
Chelsea: Did you pee on impact?
Daniel: You betcha!
In "Partiers 10" we see a drunken woman being kicked out of a St. Louis bar. Thing is, the onlookers are just as tipsy as her.
Friend: (slurred speech) Are they kickin' her out? It's funny. She's very drunken.
In "Partiers 5", a group of college students in Indiana do a drinking contest in their kitchen, but rather than conventional drinks, they go for condiments. To be precise, they take a shot of whiskey and swallow a spoonful of mayonnaise covered in tabasco. Cue the vomiting.
Loni: It's a drink, not a sandwich.
Also from "Partiers 5", a drunk Asian-American girl takes a spiel at a karaoke bar. Her companion doesn't pick a popular song, but the Alphabet Song, which the girl struggles to sing...
From "Partiers 10", a Polish man stops traffic just to show his sausage and Ted gladly tells a Polish joke, or, to be more precise...
Ted: Once this Polish man was released from jail, he rejoined his friends and they screwed in a lightbulb. Okay, now I told your terrible joke. Please release my daughter!
From "Partiers 6"... How do Canadians celebrate the 1st of July (their national holiday)? Hitting their own heads with beer glasses.
In "Partiers 6", a police car follows a drunk driver in the middle of the night. The man in question is completely naked and spending "quality time" with "Mr. Winky"... not to mention he's the sheriff.
One partier from "Partiers 14" in Bourbon Street was so drunk, he's found passed out at the door of a restaurant. The owner wakes him up by dumping water on his face.
Danny: When you are noticeably the drunkest guy on Bourbon Street, they should put up a plaque for ya.
From "Partiers 6", one partier at Edgefest decided to pester some of the concert-goers by poking them with a giant inflatable penis. He is punished when one man sucker punches him in the face, giving him a black eye. Pretty much all of the commentators agree that he deserved it.
One clip from "Partiers 1" had a man in Florida call 911, reporting that a stranger pulled a burrito out of his pants and grabbed his girlfriend's crotch. But that's not the weird part. What's weird was that he was dressed in a Captain America suit^noteSome of the jokes point out the fact the Cap wasn't particularly well-known in 2008, three years before The First Avenger premiered.
Judy: It's sort of like an afterthought, that the guy's in a Captain America suit. Like, wouldn't that be the first thing you say?
"Captain America": Hello! I'll save your crotch!
Brad: What is he, like, C-list superhero? How ugly are this chick and her boyfriend that they can't get hit on by, like, Batman?
"Batman": I have a girlfriend.
- It later turns out that Captain America was an alias for Dr. Raymond Adamcik, who was returning home from a superhero-themed pub crawl. He's arrested for sexual harassment and promptly stripped of his uniform.
  Brad: Anyone who does a pub crawl dressed up like a superhero should be arrested anyway, 'cause you're an idiot!
  Brian Callen: You don't want to get your crotch pawed by Captain America, don't come into the bar, you prude!
One clip from "Partiers 16" showed Tom Conner, a drunk English tourist in Prague who, for no discernible reason, climbed up the statue of King Wenceslas in Wenceslas Square. Firefighters brought in a cherry picker to bring him down, but he decided to climb down instead. Unfortunately, he lost his grip and ended up falling onto the pavement. Don't worry. He was so drunk, it dulled the pain.
Ted Jessup: It's funny, the line actually is, "Good King Wenceslas looked out on a drunken jerkoff."
From "Partiers 6", the story of what could be one of the greatest party crashers ever: a huge pig that escaped from a local farm and broke into the host's backyard. The partiers have to lasso the pig and drag it into an animal control van.
Chuck: They were hosting a dinner party and guess who showed up? DINNER!
There's the story from "Partiers 1" of one literal party animal found in Lyons, Colorado: a 450-pound black bear found stumbling around a local neighborhood after he ate a box of fermenting apples left to rot in a nearby yard. The situation almost becomes dangerous when he stumbles across an elementary school. Animal control tranquilizes him and takes him away, but he's let go after he sobers up.
Loni: The bear that fell off the wagon...
Brad: I mean, this is proof that Al Gore was right. The environment is screwed. If bears are getting drunk to forget their troubles, we have killed the planet.
From "Partiers 3", the man who was arrested for instigating a bar fight at a New Mexico saloon. The reason he's on the number one spot? He won't stop screaming "FALSE ARREST!" over and over again. And then he makes the stupid mistake of spitting at the cop, who promptly pulls over and pulls his shirt over his face so he won't do it again. But even then, he still doesn't stop screaming. The cast even makes a Voice Clip Song at his expense.
Chelsea: The "false arrest" chant kinda loses some pep when he's smothered under his own T-shirt.
Michael: You've just escaped with your life. You spit on a cop and he didn't kill you. Shut the fuck up.
From "Partiers 23", the donkey wedding in Turkey. It may sound strange, but the real reason the video is on the list is that their owners prove themselves to be the real asses when they get into a fistfight.
Jared: In 1513, Turks ruled over half of the known world... In 2013, Turks fight over a donkey wedding.
From "Partiers 2", a group of drunk college kids dressed as Santa Claus protest a new city ordinance. An ordinance that prohibits public drinking. Needless to say, their rowdy behavior does not gather support for their cause.
Leif: (while wearing a Santa hat) I wish you another cocktail, I wish you another cocktail, I wish you another cocktail and a happy... (mumbling) I'm done. I'm just gonna do the rest of the show like this.
The video clip of the Burnley soccer team's mascot, Bertie the Bee, rugby tackling a streaker during a game.
At a fan convention featured in "Partiers 12", a group of kids showed off their impersonations of their favorite Dragon Ball characters. However, one boy, clearly drunk, took things too far and pulled down his pants and peed all over the stage. Security dragged him off the stage and kicked him out of the convention center.
Jamie: Maybe that's what his favorite character does.
One game of beer pong featured in "Partiers 16" is ruined when one guy knocks over the table and then gets punched out by another partier. The weird part comes in when another guy sums it up as "Looks like a bad day in Bosnia."
Kevin: How did Bosnia get name-dropped in all of this? I think they've got their own problems. Let's leave them alone.
- Danny is a little unnerved how all of this is treated as Serious Business:
  Danny If you take your beer pong that seriously, it might be time for rehab.
A drunk guy makes a questionable comment in "Partiers 10".
Dave: If my nipples blow up like I got laryngitis, it's their fault.
Bryan: What?!
(rewinds clip)
Bryan: Laryngitis of the nipples? What happens, do they cough? (mimes said action while fake coughing) That's weird.
In "Partiers 18", a father tries to impress his family by jumping off the top of the boat into the ocean. However, the thing he jumps off is made of glass and shatters after he jumps.
Mike T: (as the guy's son) Be careful, dad.
(the clip plays again)
Mike T: (with glass in his face) What did I say?! What did I f***in' say, dad?! Do you even listen, when I say sh*t? Look at this!
The Indestructible Hippie (as Brendon Walsh calls him) in "Partiers 20", a guy who climbs up a tall scaffolding at a concert.
Kevin: Hey, uhh, has anyone up here seen my shirt? I've looked like literally everywhere else.
- Then, he falls:
  Mike: You got to the top, everybody was loving you, but then you went all Titanic on us.
The 911 call from "Partiers 13" from a man who wants a ride to the liquor store. However, the man is so wasted, he can barely form coherent sentences. Made funnier by the (poorly done) CG recreation of the 911 call.
Drunkard: This ain't my first rodeo...
The "Partiers 19" clip dubbed "Party Swing" shows a group of college graduates build a rope swing in front of a friend's house. All is well, but things go wrong when one of them swings upside-down and slams his head on the ground, knocking him out cold instantly. The kid is taken to the hospital where he is diagnosed with a concussion.
A "Partiers 17" clip had a drunken Russian man attempting to use a cigarette box thinking it was his phone. This leads into a bit wherein various cast members call each other using random things as phones — Danny uses a boot, John Enos uses a dog...
- The number twenty clip shows a couple named Nelson and Lindsay, high on salvia. In a delirious state, Nelson ends up falling out the window. Thankfully, the apartment he was living in was on the first floor.
Judy: Can you imagine if he was on the fifteenth floor? That would have been a real trip.
From "Partiers 5", a New York Giants fan named Rob D'Alessandro cries when his team loses against the Philadelphia Eagles in the playoffs. A day later, he's still drunk and weeping. His friends are not sympathetic with him with one of them shouting at him, "Shut up, you motherfucker! It's just a game!" To cheer him up, trutv invites him and Giants defensive end player Osi Umenyiora to be special guest stars on the show.
- Also from "Partiers 5", a man sticks a firework up his butt and laughs.
Kevin: I'd like to point out that if he were to fart right now, the world would explode.
- Which is what happens in an animation.
From "Partiers 6", actor Vinnie Jones getting in a bar fight at Wiley's Tavern in South Dakota. In the aftermath, he ends up requiring 48 stitches and gets arrested, but is later acquitted.

Performers (The Hollywood side of World's Dumbest)

The "Divine Rags" commercial from "Performers 11":
Divine Mafa: I like de best, but ma woman is de bestest...
Loni: "De bestest"? An' I thought my English was bad!
Brendon: You're right. That lady does deserve "de bestest" but my lady deserves the "bestester"...clothes. So there.
Divine Mafa: She's always spendings ze monies...
Chuck: "Spendingzz z-z-ze moniezz..." What kind of accent is that?
Jamie: I wanna look like a whore but I just don't know where to go... Maybe this kindly television pimp can help me...
- Todd complains Mafa stole his idea. Cue a "commercial" for a place called "Skank-A-Wear".
John Enos and Loni Love "playing" with the love chair at the end of "Performers 8".
"Performers 6" gives us... this:
ME Pearl: Well hello! We're here today to learn how to give your opossum a proper pedicure.
Danny: Give your what a proper WHAT?
Chelsea: What color shall we choose (for the opossum's nails)? Blushing bride or magical magenta? So many options when you are completely bonkers!
- Danny just up and leaves when ME Pearl mentions "wee booties".
- Then there's this final line, probably the most accurate thing that's going on in the opossum's mind right now.
Opossum: Help me! In the name of heaven, help me!
This line while the cast is watching an adult movie in "Performers 10":
Mike T.: Spoiler alert: it's his penis!
- Which actually predates the famous line from New Girl (Performers 10 premiered in November 2011, the New Girl episode three months later).
Brad and Mike T. watching a cosplayer stumble in his Minecraft costume at a comics convention, with Mike telling Brad that if they're good they'll get froyo on the way home. Brad is dressed like Mario Bros, while Mike is dressed in a full-bodied Pac-Man costume with a mouth that works like a puppet. Look out, Sid & Marty Krofft!
- Kevin's take on the whole thing:
  Kevin: Being the biggest nerd at a comics convention is like being the valedictorian at Harvard...
From Performers 13, we get a music video from an aspiring rapper:
Brendon: He's usin' gunshots as a beat! He's the hardest rapper on the streets! His name is...Gil. Doesn't really have a ring to it.
Daniel: Nobody ever thought about putting gunshots in the beat of a rap song? Except for Dr. Dre, Ice Cube, Biggie, and literally every (urban music) artist since 1992.
- Tonya then notices something wrong about the part of making "these rifles burs".
  Tonya: Pistols go "POW!", shotguns go "BOOM!", and automatic weapons go "TATATATATATATA!". But they don't go "BURSS!".
- Brendon looks somewhat worried by the next lines:
  Gil: After I still (steal) yo hoe, I will kill yo hoe, raise her from the dead, count up all my bread...
  Brendon: So lemme get this straight... you're gonna steal my hoe... kill her... then bring her back to life... YOU WANNA BANG MY ZOMBIE GIRLFRIEND, GIL?
- Some comments on Gil's gang.
  Gil: I got my white nigga, I got my Mexican nigga. On the camera, I got my Asian nigga.
  Danny: That is the most ethnically diverse rap video I've ever seen.
  Judy: Where's the Jew? Huh?
In a "Performers 11" clip from Indonesia, featuring two men in a giant dragon costume puppet preparing to leap across a series of poles with platforms.
Ted Jessup: Mr. Dragon, I'm representing Mr. Snuffleupagus. He's suing you for infringement.
- And how does it end? The dragon performers end up falling off the poles due to them being slippery after they were cleaned and polished just before the performance.
Muhammad Shahid Nazir's viral video that made him famous: "One Pound Fish".
From the black bear newscast on "World's Dumbest Performers 12":
Kevin: You know, some days the news should just show up and say, "We got nothin'", and put on a Seinfeld rerun.
Also from "World's Dumbest Performers 12", the Japanese potato sticks commercial featuring a young Leif Garrett. That is all.
- And then Danny Bonaduce (of course) follows it up with his own commercial for an aphrodisiac called "Tiger Penis", while later on the episode, Todd Bridges makes one for a "Robot Love Doll" and Tonya Harding advertises fish chews.
  Danny: Having bedroom problems? Then you need Tiger Penis! Remember, it's not real Tiger Penis unless it has my face on it.
The Ridiculousness parody also from "Performers 12", entitled "Redumbocity", with Mike Trainor, Chuck Nice, and Jessie Cantrell spoofing its Totally Radical style (Mike T. plays both the host and an Australian stoner/hypebeast). It might even be considerably funnier than MTV's notorious show.
The entire commentary about the Easter Gorilla from "Performers 10".
Mike Trainor: Of course the house with the above-ground pool and the giant trampoline has a spare gorilla suit lying around.
Brad Loekle: I know one little girl who will be converting to Judaism.
From "World's Dumbest Performers 13", the guy twerking in the middle of a traffic jam.
Also featured in "Performers 13" was none other than YouTube star Miss Hannah Minx. You can immediately tell how the commentators were going to react to her.
The sheer absurdity of the Japanese game show featured in "Performers 15".
From "Performers 6", there's a lion mauling its trainer on a red carpet because of a toothache. Not that funny in itself but then there's this closing comment from Daniel Baldwin:
"He's still better behaved around paparazzi than [looks into camera] my brother Alec." [winks]
The commentary of the boxing orangutans in "Performers 17":
Mike O'Gorman: [as referee] Let's get ready to throw feceeeeees!
Mike T.: If an orangutan Don King comes out, I am going to shit in my pants.
Jared: They don't have all the footage but after this, they got into an ambulance driven by an orangutan and was brought to an orangutan hospital where an orangutan doctor prescribed bananas for them and then an orangutan mob boss showed up and says "What the hell, you weren't supposed to throw the fight!" and he was smoking a banana!
From "Performers 3", an Austrian rugby team makes a dare after losing a match: stripping off their clothes in the middle of a crowded plaza, one item of clothing at a time. And doing a goofy dance each time they take something off.
From "Performers 7", a panhandler in Romania claims he and his entire family face several unimaginable penuries... then someone calls him on his rather pricey cellphone (which pretty much looks like a Blackberry).
"I've told you not to call me!"
There's a reason why the video of the elderly Brazilian couple strip dancing from "Performers 16" is titled "Things You Can't Unsee".
Brad: Their golden years are now some of my darkest memories.
Jared: [covering face] I don't want to see it! No!
Also in "Performers 16" is Vancouver resident Marijuana Man, who streams live on the internet regaling his audience with tales of weed. He makes the mistake of showing off his products, which results in two thugs breaking into his home, beating him with a crowbar, and stealing from him. What they don't know is that the camera was left running during the break-in, making it easy for police to find them. Marijuana Man later sends a video to give thanks to the Vancouver police for catching them.
From "Performers 6", the remix of the "Strut that Ass" video the cast makes is both awesome and funny.
Chuck Nice: Instead of walking to Gunters, he should walk to a dentist.
Todd: I'm glad that he wasn't a black guy, so you can see there are some whites that are as nuts as some black people.
From "Performers 14", a man in an Elmo costume in Central Park starts shouting that he worked for gang boss John Gotti, Jr. It gets even funnier when a man in a white tuxedo jacket with hearts all over it tells him to shut up and go. Unfortunately, "Elmo" doesn't stop and he's arrested for disorderly conduct and promptly stripped of his costume. And as he's being arrested, he shouts anti-Semitic slurs at people. This leads to A Rare Sentence: "Hey, Elmo, what's your problem, man?"
Mike Britt: Now there's something you thought you'd never hear.
During an American Revolutionary War reenactment, one "soldier" ends up accidentally slicing another "soldier's" nose. It turns out, the sword he was using was real. The injured man is taken to the hospital while the man who sliced his nose is banned from any future reenactments.
Mike Trainor: Banned?! Man, I bought this! Where am I gonna wear this?! Screw you, guys!
The entirety of the cast reacting to and commenting on Jim Kosek's Baltimore weather report from "Performers 4".
Jim Kosek: A paralyzing, crippling RECORD-BREAKING STORM COMES TODAY!
Chelsea Peretti: What's going on with this guy, is it steroids or religion?
Roger Lodge: I got one word for you, Jimmy: decaf.
Jim Kosek: Road closures, flight cancellations in the hundreds, power outages by the tens of thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands. Yes.
Judy Gold: This guy is more negative than my mother.
Jim Kosek: And problem number one to start it all today, thirty-five degrees! So, when the snow comes in, kicks temperatures down to sub-freezing, so it initially melts and turns to black ice!
Billy Kimball: Am I supposed to wear a coat, or not?
Jim Kosek: Problem number two: fourteen to twenty-two inches of SNOW!
Michael Loftus: There's gonna be SNOOOWWWW!
Jim Kosek: Blowing and drifting. OOOOHHHHH! Three four five feet drifts!
Kevin McCaffrey: I think Jim might actually believe he's controlling the weather.
Jim Kosek: So, you shovel! Drifts back over, shovel, drifts, shovel... OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!
Michael Loftus: I kind of wish I lived in Baltimore. I would watch the news.
Jim Kosek: Oh boy.
Two clip showed Youtube star LA Beast AKA skippy62able.
- The first stunt showed him drinking a dozen raw eggs from his mother's flower vase. As you would expect, he starts to become violently ill. He tries to keep it down with a shake weight, but fails and ends up puking. At the end of the clip, Danny Bonaduce ones up him by drinking three raw eggs and keeping it down.
- The second stunt involved him delivering gifts on a floor made slippery with butter. He ran in with the gifts and as you would expect, he slips and jams his foot under the refrigerator, splitting his index toe wide open. For this, he wins the award for "Best Performance by a Meathead" presented by Danny Bonaduce.
From "Performers 2", Tim Patch, better known as Pricasso, an artist who uses his penis as a paint brush. He discovered his talent after taking a dare with his friends and his paintings cost $200 per canvas. TruTV commissioned him to make a painting of one of the "World's Dumbest" cast members, and to Judy Gold's surprise, it's of her.
- Also from "Performers 2", the trumpet player in the school band fainting after blowing a long note.
From "Performers 7", the surfing alpaca.
Mike Trainor: (after the alpaca's trainer says he saw it on TV) Does it sound like a cartoon? Because it sounds like a cartoon!
The number one clip from "Performers 7" is a Christmas themed porn shoot gone wrong when a fireplace prop ends up falling over and crashing onto the actors.
Mike Trainor: They had a blooper on set, and I had a blooper in my pants.
From "Performers 9", we have Christopher Thomas Schewe AKA Shoenice, a Youtuber who made himself famous by eating anything considered inedible, ranging from glue, to cotton balls, to toilet paper.
- Also from "Performers 9", aspiring Iowan rapper Charles Summer shows off his rapping skills while smoking pot...only to pass out.
Brad: This is the best anti-drug commercial ever.
From "Performers 12", the booty-shaking dancing puppet on Angola's Got Talent. He even gets the judge to dance with him.
"King Brittu": (laughs) This puppet amuses me. Make him my new secretary of defense.
From "Performers 11", John Ryan AKA the Treeman AKA the world's angriest guitarist trying and failing to perform his song, "Magic Man".
Brad: Is he frustrated of possessed?
Mike Trainor: I can relate. One time I broke thirteen pencils to write one joke about my balls, but it was worth it.

Pranksters (People doing stupid pranks you shouldn't do)

"A little bit of water? On my shirt? I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!"
Nick DiPaolo playing Jimmy Hoffa.
Reactions in two different clips from "Pranksters 2" that feature attractive young girls:
- The first has a girl paint clown makeup on her face and hiding in a trashcan to scare her cousin, only to have the cousin turn the tables and dump creepy crawlies on her; she panics, pulls her dress off, and runs back into the house in her underwear.
  Danny: The painted face is horrifying, but she's stripping? My boner is confused.
- In the other clip, a guy pulls a prank on his girlfriend by pulling a small toy clown on a tricycle with fishing line when she returns home from work (as she's terrified of clowns); when she returns home:
  Nick: What kind of work she was coming home from that she has to wear skin-tight short shorts? Was she in a Playboy shoot?
  - Even funnier was that she was so terrified, she dashed out the door, back into her car, and took off in two seconds flat.
"CHICKEN-CHICKEN DANCE! CHICKEN-CHICKEN DANCE! CRACK-A-LACK-A-LACK-A-LACK-A, CHICKEN-CHICKEN DANCE!"
Brad: I really need to get off cable...
- And then the teacher gets annoyed with the chicken guy interrupting his lecture and chases him out of the classroom.
During a Halloween interview, a black kid has a friend jump out of a trash can, only to have the black kid punch him in the face out of instinct.
Michael: Boom! Ding-a-ling! School's back in, bitch!
Godfrey: That's what happens when you scare a brother. We will punch you in the — (sees a scary dude behind him and runs off screaming)
Two girls attempt to do the Cinnamon Challenge. But what they don't know is that the second girl's boyfriend gave them cayenne pepper instead.
During a radio show, a man is blindfolded and told that there's going to be a stripper doing a surprise lap dance for his birthday and he's even encouraged to spank her. But when the stripper is asked how she feels and she says "That hurts", the man immediately recognizes the voice as his mother's.
Man: (growing more horrified by the second) Yo. Yo! Yo! C-Can I take this off? Can I take this off? (takes the blindfold off and Screams Like a Little Girl at the reveal he just felt up his own mother)
One prank involved a group of friends gift wrapping every thing in their victim's house.
Danny Bonaduce: Best prank ever!

Record Breakers (People breaking records for being stupid)

From "Record Breakers 2", a South African man breaks his record for most hours of disco dancing... or more like, moving around in one place inside a video store.
Danny: I couldn't tell if he was dancing or just really had to pee.
Roger: The only record set here was the most consecutive hours of horrible dancing. He sucked!
From "World's Dumbest Record Breakers 3", one clip shows us a woman trying to break a record at blowing into a hot water bottle, until it bursts - various different commentators try it themselves, to no success.
Brad: You have to blow harder than Tonya Harding's jokes to pop that!
Tonya: (Mumbling) Can you imagine if Leif put his mouth on that thing, and then I did, and it'd be like we were makin' out.
Brad: Can anybody understand a word this motherfucker says?
From "World's Dumbest Record Breakers 6", we see a clip of a morbidly obese woman named Donna, who is trying to get into the record books by being the world's heaviest woman, and is currently working her way to weigh 1,000 pounds.
Donna: I wouldn't mind being a thousand pounds. The bigger you are, the sexier you are.
Mike T: Who told you that?! Was it a plate of bacon? Because that was a lie!
After we watch a clip of Tonya breaking a record by driving her 1931 Ford Model A at 97 mph, then finishing the day by posing for photos in a black-and-white checkered bikini...
Billy: I didn't know we could bring our own home videos on this show because I've got one of my daughter sitting on the potty.
Leif's reaction to the old woman with tattoos covering ninety percent of her body in "Record Breakers 5":
Leif: Ever wonder what that person is going to look like with all those tattoos when they get older? Well, this is it. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
Kevin: She's so old, some of those tattoos were done with a feathered quill... Snap it!
Nick: I like the one she had of her first boyfriend Christopher Columbus.
- And then Michael Loftus asks a very important question:
  Michael: I'll be honest I'm not gonna lie. I want to see her naked. If she's the w — Show me! I want to see it all!
  (censored close up of woman's tattooed vagina)
  Leif: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
  Michael: Be careful what you wish for.
  Loni: Who tattoos their kitty cat?!
From "Record Breakers 3", the story of Dr. Tom Owen, AKA the Human Speedbump, who has set multiple records being run over by trucks. He finds his limit when he attempts to have a pickup truck full of children rest on his stomach for at least five seconds. His attempt stops short at the three-second mark after he can't take it anymore. He goes to the hospital for multiple internal injuries and he vows never to do it again.
Tom: I'm not going to let a truck sit on my stomach fully loaded for five seconds anymore.
Chelsea Peretti: That's an actual sentence that an actual human being spoke, like a realization that a human being actually had to come to through experience.
From "Record Breakers 2", a class on a field trip in Scotland try the classic "most people crammed in a phone booth record". They manage to stuff sixteen kids in it, but it's all for naught when it's later revealed Guinness does not accept entries for that category anymore.
Roger Lodge: The big story here wasn't the sixteen young ladies in a phone booth, it's the fact that they actually found a phone booth still in existence. Who uses a phone booth anymore?!
From "Record Breakers 2", a Frenchman called Maurice Deubard tries to set a record of being buried up to his neck in ice for an hour. The attempt stops with only four minutes remaining when his body temperature drops at dangerous levels, so the doctors present dig him out.
Daisy: They let Manson out of jail for this?
Danny: If this guy wanted to see how long he could stay in ice, all he had to do was sleep with my ex-wife.
Kevin: Does it really take three doctors to find out when it's unhealthy for a sixty-four-old to be in a tub of ice? Minute one is unhealthy.
Nick: Wanna pick up the pace? My nuts are purple over here, let's go!
The first clip from "Record Breakers 3" opens with this remark from Brad upon seeing the record breaker in question:
Brad: Wait, Freddie Mercury's alive?
From "Record Breakers 1", a man named Big D wants to break the record for most plates smashed on his head. He succeeds, but unfortunately, the record doesn't count since there was no official witness present.
Machmed Jelnas from Istanbul, Turkey has the record for the longest distance for shooting milk out his eye.

Show-Offs (Stupidity is not worth showing off)

"Ladies and gentlemen, the 2048 Republican nominee for president of the United States: Richie McDickface."
The clip of the dancer named Onyx paying tribute to a recently deceased person at a funeral.
The clip of a kid who does a slam dunk, only to get his foot stuck in the basket. He gets out when his friends bring in a ladder.

Thrillseekers (Daredevils 2.0)

From "World's Dumbest Thrillseekers 6", the clip in question showing a pair of motorcyclists performing stunts:
Voice Over Announcer: Now the event you have all been waiting for! The most amazing motorcycle trick ever done by two guys at one time! (bike crashes into an oncoming car) DAMMIT!
The "What the fuck?" look on Frankie's face when Daniel imitates him and his trademark Russian-bashing monologuing in "Thrillseekers 6".
From "Thrillseekers 8", a thrillseeker has himself knocked into a large pile of empty cardboard boxes by jumping into the path of a speeding truck with mattresses strapped to the grill.
Bryan: So that's what it looks like when a van kills someone.
Ted: Okay, I'm actually moving, and I collected those boxes from like three different liquor stores, so unless you guys wanna help me move... yeah, yeah, that's what I thought.
- And Brendon's reaction to finding out the guy was unharmed:
  Brendon: How is this guy okay? Are idiots indestructible?
The video of the theater student reciting the prelude of Romeo and Juliet while riding a roller coaster in "Thrillseekers 8" has to be seen to be believed.
In "Thrillseekers 8" we get a clip of a guy testing his own homemade pepper spray, and he starts flipping and flopping around in the bathtub, screaming like a little girl.
Guy: I'VE NEVER BEEN IN PAIN! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!
Camera Guy: Dude, open your eyes.
Guy: I CAN'T, THEY'RE CLOSED!
- To make matters worse, the poor guy accidentally ended up dropping his wedding ring down the drain, which he eventually recovered.
From "Thrillseekers 9", the video of a dirt biker named Mike who crashes in the desert while riding with his dad, and gets a stick impaled in his cheek. Mike is taken to the hospital and receives twenty-four stitches.
Kevin: What kind of shitty helmet lets a stick get stuck in your face?
- The number one clip shows the famous nine people boat crash when a wave plows into the boat, sending the driver onto the floor and the passengers slamming into each other.
One clip from "Thrillseekers 4" showed a young freshman named Sean Coleman, who undergoes a painful ritual which involves him getting shot repeatedly by paintballs. He wears cardboard armor, but it does little to stop the pain from happening. By the time the shooting is over, Sean is covered in paint and bruises.
One clip from "Thrillseekers 7" showed a skateboard racing event called the Major Stok’em that has a particular curve that causes some racers to crash into the spectators.
Brad: That's right, make a nice little pile for the paramedics.
One clip from "Thrillseekers 5" showed the return of James Hunter (the guy who lifted a beer pack with his scrotum piercings). His new stunt has him fry a hot dog using a car battery and a jumper and cable attached to his nipple piercings.
Danny: James is a pussy. I do this every day. (attaches a car battery to his nipples) Yep, my wiener just exploded! Fuck that hurts.
- In another clip, a college student named Eric tries to smash a cinderblock with his head. Needless to say, he fails and his head bleeds.
Eric: If I die, I want you to fucking bury me next to this thing.

Tourists (Dumbness traveling the world)

"Tourists 2" features a Jamaican tourist guide named Captain Crazy, who does nothing but tell jokes about weed and getting high... and laughing like Fran Drescher. Kevin thinks a lot of his college friends went a similar path, Tonya complains about his laugh, and Michael thinks he's just pulling an act.
One clip shows a boy playing golf on the docks. Then, in a one to one million occurrence, the golf ball hit one of the dock posts, ricocheted into his head, and knocked him out cold as he fell into the water. You would think his friend sitting in the boat nearby would get hit, but this happens instead.
A clip has an American tourist pestering a beefeater marching near the Tower of London. When the idiot least expects it, the beefeater strikes back.
Another video shows a middle-aged woman on a beach in the Bahamas... loudly singing a Boyz II Men song.
One clip told the story of a moray eel named Emma, who became something of a tourist attraction thanks to humans feeding her. One day, a diver named Matt Butcher was feeding her sausages, but she mistakes his left thumb for a sausage and bites off and eats it. Later on, he has it surgically replaced with his left index toe.

TV Shows (That's why they call it the "idiot box")

Guess who makes it onto number 19? Clutch Cargo! The commentators all agree that the animation looks cheap, some of the foreign characters are a tad offensive, and the Synchro-Vox mouths are WAY too distracting.
Another show that makes onto the "TV Shows" countdown is The Fuccons. The commentators look as though they don't know whether to laugh or be creeped out by it.
Jamie: Seems the Japanese think we're totally artificial. (a stagehand tries to powder her nose) Watch the nose, it's new!
- The featured episode has a rather inappropriate plot (at least by American standards) with a sexy female tutor.
  Chris F: Is it better or worse that these mannequins don't have genitalia?
  Kevin (as the kid after his parents catch him): Tracey (the tutor) was teaching me to make origami (laughs)... Just kiddin', we fucked.
We are also treated to "Dog TV", a cable channel tailored for dogs.
Dan Cummins: I still can't get a fucking show on the air, and dogs have their own network? I'mma kill myself.
Ted: Don't worry, Dog TV improves a lot in the second season.
A Turkish dating show has a game that involves the host shoving baloney sausages into the mouths of male audience members.
Brendon: So, David Lynch's directing TV shows in Turkey now?
- One campy-looking fellow actually seems to like this game a little too much though...
  Brad: Finally, a hilarious way to come out of the closet!
A public access religious show features dummies talking about God, while a man who looks like a bargain-store version of Leif Garrett advises children to avoid drugs with a suspiciously specific list... and the show ends with an alien puppet singing songs of praise in a Southern drawl.
Reformed Rock Star No One Ever Heard About: Remember kids, get a whack. Say no to crack.
Chris F.: Do you realize that you're telling kids to replace drugs with masturbation?
Gilbert Gottfried: It's like that part on The Bible where Jesus comes down on a spaceship and does a puppet show!
Jared: As God speaketh to the Muppets, 'tis time for Muppet magic on the Muppet Show tonight.
Panico Na Band, a Brazilian TV show where guests are tortured by a trio of drag performers who subject a poor guy to have his eyebrows removed with tape, being force-fed paste and having his chest glued to a little person (one of the hosts).
The #1 clip is something one would rather un-see: "Sluts and Godesses Workshop", a video where a group of former call-girls do a series of weird stunts, with '80s-era perms all over the place.
Host: And now you're ready to fuck.
Mike O'Gorman: I was ready to fuck before. Now I don't know if I'll ever be able to fuck again.

Others (Any episode with fewer than 2 sequels)

World's Dumbest Shoppers

One clip showed a stampede of people storming a building to get used laptops.
Judy Gold: I'm gonna go get a $50 piece of shit computer!
- From the same clip, a distraught woman claims she's been injured and almost killed, and repeatedly yells for somebody to call her an "Ambalance".
  Jo: It's not an ambalance, it's an ambulance. The answer is no, an ambalance is not on its way because those don't exist.
One clip shows the chaos that followed the release of Cabbage Patch Kids, one little girl with feathery blonde hair apparently had a doll snatched out of her hands and is crying over it, while another lady vents her anger about the entire situation.
Godfrey: I don't think that was a little girl, I think it was Leif Garrett when he was really young.
(cut to an insert of a '70s-era pic of Leif compared to a still shot of the crying girl)
- While this wasn't on World's Dumbest... VH1's I Love Toys did a segment on Cabbage Patch Kids, and even brought up how an authentic doll will have inventor Xavier Roberts's signature embroidered on the doll's rear; Loni (who was featured on that show before joining WD) was disgusted, "He branded every one of them babies!"
There are two clips that show dumb things happening to people trying to buy a limited sales Play Station 3. In the first clip, a teenager doesn't look where he's going and winds up running into a pole. In the second clip, another teenager ends up tripping and falling on his face, but everyone just runs over him.
A whole mob of people rushed into a store to grab tickets off people that guarantees a free refrigerator. And by grab, we mean tackle them to the ground like American football players. The event is so successful, the store owners plan to do it again at their other locations.
One clip that took place in Germany had a store that came with a special discount for anyone who shows up completely naked. Surprisingly, the promotion worked and they hope to do it again next year.
Also in "Shoppers" is the story of a little girl who crawls into a claw game through the prize hole. Her older sister tells her mother, but she doesn't believe her until she sees it for herself. The only way to get her out of the box is to have the store owner turn off the power and have the girl crawl out the same way she came in after she gets bored.
Godfrey: She has done what everybody in America has wanted to do, it was get in there and grab some of those damn dolls that never, ever get won. I love that little girl! Go ahead!
In the number 2 clip of "Dumbest Shoppers", a gang of robbers break into an electronics store and make off with dozens of televisions. Imagine the stupid looks on their faces when they later find out that they didn't steal the real things, but the phony display models.

World's Dumbest Heroes

One clip had a Russian tank crashing on a house because its tipsy driver had bought some drinks on his way to military exercises. Turns out the house belonged to a former soldier. Then, an investigation was ordered, and...
Military officer: (commenting on the results) The driver was absolutely sober because he was going to military exercises.
Roger: How can you possibly, with a straight face, mind you, claim that this idiot was sober?
(The clip with the driver drunkenly entering the tank plays)
Loni: Stevie Wonder could see he was drunk!
The same episode also featured one horrible bird (?) statue being dedicated in Spain, only to fall apart after the ceremonial champagne bottle. The commentators have a field day with the hideous thing.
Danny Bonaduce makes an erection joke when a building doesn't collapse after being blown up with explosives. What really makes this, is the wah wah wahhhh sound after he says it.
"You know, if that building doesn't completely come down within the next four hours, they need to see a physician immediately."
In Russia, a police officer is arrested on the charges of bribery. As he's being detained, he notices the evidence sitting on a table. Without even giving it a second thought, he grabs the money and eats it before anyone can stop him. He's dismissed from the force, but charges against him are dropped due to a lack of physical evidence...even though there's video proof of him eating said evidence!

World's Dumbest Meltdowns

Chris Crocker's infamous "Leave Britney Alone!" video following Britney Spears' meltdown.
This episode gives us Howard Dean's infamous "I Have a Scream" speech from 2004.
The fight between IndyCar racers Danica Patrick and Milka Duno. What makes it funny is that truTV couldn't clear the rights to show the footage, so they decided to recreate it with poorly-done animation.

World's Dumbest Fans

The incident where Tom Cruise got angry at a prankster who sprayed him in the face with a squirt gun disguised as a microphone.

Hilarious Outtakes (The mistakes, goofs, or other behind-the-scenes nuggets we're treated to)

In the "Criminals" episode that featured the above-mentioned re-enactment of Leif's 2010 drug arrest, the incident was re-enacted again during the closing credits, this time with John playing Leif and Todd playing the arresting officer.
During the credits of one episode, Judy walks in on Nick's commentary.
Nick: Whoa! Look at this — a 6'8" Jew!
Judy: What's up?
Nick: Aw, you know what's up, look at us.
Judy: I know, it's pathetic, isn't it?
Nick: I'm doin' this till they give me my own show on truTV. What is this? Is she gonna watch me?
Judy: I gotta put my fuckin' makeup on!
Nick: Well, why don't you just do it in the fuckin' men's room?
Another time (seen at the end of "Daredevils 7"), Judy walks in on Brad's commentary.
Brad: Oh! It's Jewbacca! Hey, Jewbacca!
(Judy flips Brad off)
Brad: Did you shave before you put your makeup on so you don't look like me?
Judy: Can't you be fuckin' nice to me and save it for the camera?
During the credits of a "Pranksters" episode, the producers secretly give some of the cast members a pen that shocks when clicking for them to write notes on. Judy is angered, Roger is slightly amused, Jaime freaks out, and Todd acts like he's going into cardiac arrest - "Gimme a pacemaker, dude!"
The entire sequence from "World's Dumbest Holidays", in which the cast attempts to sing an altered rendition of "The 12 Days of Christmas", which includes many line flubs, numerous wrong notes, and pitiful attempts at singing.
John dressed as Jesus Christ during the credits at the end of "Brawlers 1".
John: Whose fucking name do I say when somebody pisses me off?!

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