Funny / Titus

Titus (TV sitcom)

Season 1

1x01 — Dad Is Dead

• Titus' opening speech, in which he claims that normal people are the freaks and dysfunctional families are the norm thanks to a Los Angeles Times article that states 63% of all families these days are considered "dysfunctional".
• "IS THERE NO GOD?!" Screamed by Tommy as he loses it over a broken toilet. It gets shown twice in the episode.
• Teen Titus getting punched by his dad, which is recorded on "Fist cam."
  • After Ken punches Teen Titus' lights out, Teen Dave jumps up from the couch and makes a hasty exit.
• The flashback of Ken telling Kid Titus about where his mentally-ill mother is:
  Ken: Son...your mom is shacked up in the wacko basket! Cookie? [hands Kid Titus a cookie, which he takes]
• After showing up at the house, Erin implies to Titus and Dave that she initially assumed her father was the one who died and went to her parents' house...only to end up walking in on her parents having sex.
• Erin blasts Titus and Dave for their unwillingness to check Ken's bedroom...only to find herself unable to do so.
  Erin: I already walked in on one horrifying scene today!
• "Who won the pool?" Said by Dave after he, Titus, and Erin obsess over how Ken supposedly died.
  • Then the three of them start putting down their bet money while citing the age they thought Ken would die at. Ken won.
• When Tommy shows up at Ken's house, he hugs Titus and Erin comfortingly, but when he goes to hug Dave, Dave stops him by quickly putting his hand on Tommy's face. Tommy responds by putting his own hand on Dave's face.
  Tommy: I so feel your loss, Dave!
• While Titus is going on his speech about how he started his own business and made more money than Ken ever did in his whole life and finishes with asking what Ken thinks about that, a very-much-alive Ken strolls into the kitchen wearing his bathrobe, stops right behind Christopher, and pops open a beer. Christopher and Dave pause as their eyes go wide in horror. Ken then delivers this gem:
  Ken: I think without me pushing you, you never would have made it! [takes a sip of beer]
  • After Ken goes back into his bedroom, we see that Tommy wet himself and no one else seems to have noticed.

1x02 — Sex with Pudding

• A flashback shows Titus and Dave in the elevator after Dave stole printing paper from Erin's workplace. Dave wonders to Titus how they're going to get caught for stealing paper (due to the fact that they don't need it and thus don't have a motive). Titus then looks up and sees they're being videotaped on the security camera. Then Titus ducks out of sight while Dave hides against the opposite wall... until Titus points out the mistake, and he hides his face behind the stack of paper he stole as he inches over to Titus' side of the elevator.
• Titus mentions that the last time he and Dave were in Erin's office, they caused a fire. Cue flashback of them standing on the ledge outside Erin's burning office.
  • And, at the end of the episode, Dave sets fire to a wastebasket. Right in the middle of the office.
• The flashback of Ken reading Teen Titus' diary to his poker buddies, who all laugh hysterically at the contents, just as Teen Titus returns home and realizes what's going on.
  Ken: "By Christopher W. Titus." The "W," gentlemen, stands for "wussy!" [hands the diary to Teen Titus] Once you get laid, you'll stop writing this crap!
• When Titus confronts Erin over the panties that "Pudding" had given her, she counters with asking if he'd ever considered that maybe she's dealing with something worse than an affair.
  Titus: ...I'm dying?
  [Extended Beat as Erin processes his idiocy]
  Erin: This is not about you.
  Dave: I'm dying?
• The extended reveal when Titus calls out for "Pudding" to man up and admit to harassing Erin. First up is Jim, who admits to licking Erin's pens. Then Bobby pipes up about intentionally dropping change so that Erin will pick it up; he spent $45 in one month. Finally is an accountant who Erin doesn't even recognize but intentionally bumps into her when she goes to the bathroom; she'd gone twice that day. And she wasn't aware of any of it. And then comes in Erin's female coworker who was the actual harasser, as she thought Erin was a lesbian.
  Tommy: Go ahead, Titus, kick her ass!

1x03 — Dave Moves Out

• Titus translating the body language of Ken and Dave fighting over the remote. Ken walks up to Dave sitting in his chair, snaps his fingers, and holds his hand out ("May I have the remote?"). Dave scoffs and shifts in his seat ("I am currently using the remote"). Ken emotionally breaks Dave by pointing out the irony of him watching synchronized swimming when his girlfriend drowned last month, leading to Dave breaking down in tears and running off, and Ken sitting down and changing the channel to a football game ("Next time, just give me the remote").
• This exchange after Titus arrives at the police station:
  Titus: Christopher Titus. I'm here for my brother.
  Desk Sergeant: Who's your brother?
  Titus: [shakes desk sergeant's hand] You must be new here.
  • Followed by this:
    Titus: "Grand theft?" But that's a real crime!
    Desk Sergeant: And this is a real police station.
    Ken: And your brother is a real criminal.
• When Titus and Dave touch hands through the glass, Ken goes "Aw, isn't that sweet? Two brothers joined at the wussy!"
• Ken happily says "Ah! Look at me! I'm fighting crime!" after being given paperwork to fill out for Dave.
  • As Ken is filling out the paperwork:
    Ken: "Does the perpetrator have any recognizable scars?"
    Titus: Only emotional!
    Ken: There's no box for that. I'll just check "Other."
  • Titus then takes away the pen Ken is using, but Ken just grabs another one from a container on the desk.
• Tommy comes in and asks Titus for some money for the parking meter outside, only to learn it's too late. He then sarcastically asks "What'd Dave do this time? Did they find his marijuana plants?" Cue questioning look from Officer Reagan.
• The non-sequitur cutaway to Tommy's former career as a clown, which was cut short when he lost a toe in a freak shoe explosion.
• This exchange between Titus and his dad after Ken agrees to drop the charges, and Ken offers to have pizza and a movie with Erin and Titus:
  Titus: Yeah, that'd be great. We can reminisce about the time you threw your boys in jail!
  Ken: HOW LONG ARE YOU GONNA KEEP THROWING THAT IN MY FACE?!
  • This is preceded by showcasing Erin's uncanny abilities when dealing with the Dysfunction Junction that is Titus' family. First, everyone flees—including Ken—when she approaches the window to talk to Titus. Titus tells her what happened in pantomime, and she immediately turns towards Ken with an accusing glare. It then enters a flashback to her acting as translator for Ken and Titus, with both men increasingly uncomfortable with how emotionally open she's trying to make them, ending it with a curt hug because she'd have gone on all night if need be. She's then shown using the same tactic in the present day.
    Ken: Alright, alright, alright, I'll drop the charges! But no hugging! Release the idiots!
    Erin: Oh, that's great! You're doing the right thing.
    Ken: Witch.
• The Imagine Spot of what would happen if Ken started spending more time with Titus and Erin. The whole thing is filmed from Ken's POV as he busts down the door to Titus and Erin's house to find them having a romantic dinner. Titus tells Erin to flee, then pulls out a beer car which he uses to distract Ken.
• At the end, the police find a pound of marijuana in Ken's VCR, leading to this line from Dave:
  Dave: Yeah, that's his piece-of-crap VCR... but the pot is mine!
  • And he promptly gets thrown back in jail.

1x04 — The Breakup

• Both preludes to Titus and Erin's affairs are filmed like the trailer to a sexploitation movie, complete with "XXX" at the end of the titles.
  • Tiffany suddenly sports the Naked Apron, Titus asks when she's getting off, and she responds "That's up to you." Title: "Titus and Tiffany in Hot Pie XXX."
  • Randy suddenly sports a Naked Apron, saying "I hope you like the hard outside, 'cause I can't get enough of the creamy middle." Title: "Erin and Randy in Hot, Moist, Cookies XXX!"
• "She said 'Want some pie?' I didn't know it was a metaphor!"
• Titus debases himself after Tiffany calls the house, saying "I am scum. I'm a gnat's colon. I'm- I'm trash. I'm the scum inside a gnat's colon in the trash."
• In the middle of their fight over their one-night stands, Titus and Erin find Dave in the kitchen, and Titus asks him how long he's been there. His response? "Since 'Looks like you, only younger.'"
  • Dave then tells the couple that Tommy's there, too. Tommy then comes out and shoots Dave a Disapproving Look before saying, "I didn't get here till 'pie-serving ho.'"
  • Titus then forces Tommy and Dave to leave, and Tommy tries to get him to change his mind, only for Titus to yell "GET OUT!"
• Titus and Erin belittle each other in the kitchen in pleasant tones, with cutaways to the Neutral Space depicting Titus either taking a boxing blow or having just delivered one.

1x05 — Titus Integritous

• A flashback shows Kid Titus telling his dad that his teacher told the class they can be anything they want to be. Ken responds, in a completely cordial and fatherly tone:
  Ken: She wasn't talking to you, son. Now go out back and practice digging some holes.
• Titus getting trapped under a car while trying to dissemble it.
• The flashback of Teen Titus jacking up a car.
  Ken: Did you block the wheels?
  Teen Titus: Dad, I'm seventeen. I know how to jack up a car. Errr!
  [Teen Titus goes under the car. The car falls on top of him.]
  Ken: What have we learned?
  Teen Titus: [pained] Cars are heavy.
  Ken: Errr!
  • Ken, to Titus, in the present: "Cars still heavy, boy?"
• "What, no one's gonna pee on him or shave his head? Damn, I miss The '50s!"
• Titus's impression of Tommy.

1x06 — Red Asphalt

• "Dave, cow!"
  • Dave falls for it every time, even after claiming it doesn't work.
• Tommy screaming like a woman when he learns the road rager has a gun.
• Erin preparing to throw an apple at the road rager, only to be stopped by Titus.
  Titus: [in the Neutral Space] Erin's Irish. Give an Irishwoman a rock or a piece of fruit, somebody's going down!
  • It becomes a Brick Joke at the end when Titus tells the audience that, after the road rager was apprehended by the police, he told Erin "Now throw the apple!"
• While being chased by the road rager, Dave reveals he got Ken a cellphone for his birthday. Titus's angered expression is priceless, followed by this exchange:
  Erin: You got him a cellphone?
  Dave: Oh, don't tell me you got him one, too!
  Titus: Gimme the cellphone, idiot!
  Dave: No, it's not your birthday!
  • Titus, Erin, and Tommy then fight for the phone and shout at Dave who finally yells he'll make the call.
• Dave's call to the police in general.

1x07 — Mom's Not Nuts

• "Macaroni and glitter glue—the fun side to Mom's insanity."
• Juanita unloads a shotgun on the trashcans outside her house because she thinks they're aliens.
  • Titus mentions that Juanita was once head of the neighborhood watch because of her psychotic outbursts... and because no one ran against her.
• The flashback of Tommy working at the same mental hospital Juanita was in when he was in college. Juanita straps Tommy to the electroshock therapy chair and gives him shock treatment.
• Ken being impressed that Juanita is sane enough to cook, because the last time she tried to cook a turkey, she thought the turkey was saying mean things about her and shot it (or as Christopher calls it, "Thanksgiving: A Very Special Episode").
• Titus's line in the Neutral Space:
  Titus: My dad is a negative, judgmental pain in the ass who destroyed my self-esteem and tortured me my entire life. My mom is a violent, paranoid schizophrenic. God, I love my dad.
• A flashback shows Teen Titus and Ken blocking the front door to keep Juanita out. Juanita stops and is then heard retreating. Moments later, Ken and Teen Titus hear a slam off-screen, and Ken throws open the door and ushers Teen Titus out the house, following him.
• Ken's "Oh, yeah? You wanna see my scars?" after Titus tells him Erin, Tommy, and Dave are convinced Juanita is sane.
• Ken asks rhetorically why they should give Juanita the element of surprise...only for Juanita to come up behind him and say his name, causing him to let out a startled yell.
• This exchange between Titus and his dad when the former walks in on his parents...catching up.
  Titus: Which part of you is speaking, Dad? You or your gonads?
  Ken: Right now, they have power of attorney.
• The three flashbacks showing how Juanita really is a beautiful, caring, and talented woman despite her insanity (and how her insanity ruined those moments):
  • When she won a beauty contest^note The real Juanita Titus was a beauty pageant participant and won so many of them that she was in the running to be Miss California in the 1960s, she French kissed the emcee for no reason.
  • When she dressed Kid Titus up as an Arabian sheik for Halloween, she gave him a Motolov cocktail and started ululating like a terrorist.
  • When she played piano for the local church choir, she was bare-assed naked, a la the organist from Monty Python.
• The end where Titus, Erin, Dave, and Tommy slowly succumb to the drugged dinner (which was initially thought to be the effects of tryptophan, but Titus spits out one of Juanita's Myocet pills) and Ken tries to escape Juanita, who has once again snapped and is trying to kill Ken with a broken wine bottle.

1x08 — Intervention

• In the Neutral Space, Titus comments that Ken never missed a beer in his life and shows a bunch of pictures of Ken with a beer can in hand. Ken is seen holding a beer while water-skiing, attending a funeral and later a PTA meeting, and laying in a hospital bed.
  • The entire plot revolves around convincing Ken to resume his drinking, which the FOX censors objected to at first.
• "That joke isn't funny, Ridge, it's just stupid. I mean, how do you lose your keys in a vagina?"
• Titus gets his dad to drink a beer again by calling him "Wussy." Everyone's so stunned they scatter from the couch. Dave even hides just outside the front door just in case he has to suddenly book it.
• After the gang gets Ken to start drinking again, Ken starts revealing all of their dark secrets.
  • Titus embezzled money from the car shop to pay for a new car, and Dave wrecked said new car.
    Ken: [laughs] What? I just think it's funny that he still thinks it's a hit-and-run.
    Dave: You swore you wouldn't tell him!
    Ken: I didn't.
  • Tommy had a dream in which Titus was naked and had a pirate theme.
  • Erin is afraid Titus will snap like his mother.

1x09 — Episode Eleven

• When introducing this episode on YouTube, Christopher Titus mentions that "the fellatio incident" actually happened, though his father didn't tell him the truth until long after, leaving Titus confused how a man who drove 70,000 miles a year for his job was somehow able to get into a car accident like that.
• The fact this episode had a proper Brick Joke in the pilot.
• The flashback of Titus telling his dad that he needs to start taking his health seriously and Ken insisting he is with his new light diet: "menthol light [cigarettes] and Miller Lite".
• Titus mentioning that his father now drives himself to the hospital because the paramedics won't let him smoke in the ambulance and "...you can't make a burger run."
• A flashback to after Titus was born, where Ken is sitting outside the delivery room holding his newborn son.
  Juanita: [off-screen] You ruined my life, you bastard!
  Ken: [to newborn Titus, deadpan] Welcome to the world, Christopher. Thanks to you, I have to marry that psycho. [baby talk] Yes, I do! Your Mommy has four distinct personalities! Yes, she does! Cootchie, wootchie, coo!
• Titus and Dave come into Ken's room, asking Ken if they can get him anything.
  Ken: See if you can trade yourself in for a Korean kid.
  [His Japanese nurse immediately turns around]
  Titus: [pointing at her] Dad?
  Ken: I'll name him Ho-John Titus!
  Titus: Dad.
  Ken: Ho-John wouldn't steal my distributor, and I could probably pick him up for a pack of cigarettes!
  Titus: ...why don't you ask if she can help?
  Ken: [to the Japanese nurse, without a trace of irony] You know where I can get a Korean boy?
  Titus: DAD!
• This exchange:
  Titus: Dad, we didn't do anything!
  Ken: CAN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING NICE TO ME FOR FIVE MINUTES?!?!
  Titus: Dad, you've been smoking and drinking your whole life!
  Ken: Hey, hey, hey, hey! I smoked and I drank for twenty-five years before you were born, and I NEVER had a heart attack!
  • This is followed by a shot of Titus and Dave clutching each other for a long moment before Titus says "Can't argue with that."
• Titus and Dave's discovery that Ken was having sex in his car while driving.
  Titus: [Officer Reagan shows him a police photo of Ken in his car] What's that furry thing in his lap? [photo flip] It's not there now. [photo flip] There it is again.
  Officer Reagan: Her name's "Angela." She's up on the third floor getting a CAT scan.
  Dave: What's the furry thing?
  • "Flip it fast, it's like a short porno!" "Yeah, but no plot, though."
  • After obtaining the photos as blackmail material, Titus and Dave are overjoyed.
    Dave: "It is difficult to fight against anger, for a man will buy revenge with his soul." Heraclitus, 500 BC.
    Titus: [stares at Dave, dumbfounded] You scare the crap outta me.
• After showing Erin the pictures, Titus has to talk her out of ripping his heart out.
  Titus: We're gonna get revenge! We're just gonna do it slow... methodical. Mean. Like Dad would.
  Dave: He is gonna be so proud!
• Tommy is surprisingly knowledgeable about medicine. Titus explains that after his toe explosion, Tommy went into pre-med and excelled at the chemistry... but dropped out after failing to save the life of a long-dead pig meant for dissection purposes.
• Titus' revenge on Ken: Having Ken's testicles shaved as part of a cardiac catheterization. "My dad's pubes are toast! Christopher Titus, 2000 AD."
  Ken: [after his balls are shaved] I look like a nine year old boy.
  • And the person performing the shaving? His Japanese nurse, who puts on an exaggerated accent when he tries to wriggle out of it.
    Nurse: Yeah, it cost me a pack of cigarettes, but it's Worth It.

Season 2

2x01 — Titus Is Dead

• The flashback where Preteen Titus gets suspended for three days for punching a kid in the stomach. Ken is livid...he always told him to go for the eyes!
  Ken: Let's get some ice cream. We've got three days to work on the Eagle Claw Technique! [mimes clawing a kid's eye out]
  Preteen Titus: Thanks, Dad. I love you.
  Ken: I love you, slugger!
  • Cut back to the present where they're arguing and try to use this on one another. The student has now become the master!
• Ken is forced to eat prunes by Nurse Kathy, and Titus tries to cajole his dad into taking back his declaration that he's dead to him by offering him tasty food. Ken considers it for a moment, then pops a prune into his mouth.
  Titus: Oh, come on, Dad! Mom's tried to kill you way more times than I have!
• Ken finally forgives Titus...after decking Titus right in the face.
• Titus' reaction to finding out that Kathy and Ken are having sex. Selling further is Kathy smugly smiling and nodding.
  • When Erin comes into the kitchen and Titus relays the discovery to her, she jumps and yells out in shock. When Tommy comes in and learns the news, he starts wheezing. But when Dave comes in (eating a bowl of Jell-O with marshmallows, no less) and Tommy tells him what's going on, he simply says "Oh...that explains the sounds of the nurse and Dad having sex" while he clearly pictures just that.
• The montage of Ken offending women, in which a female IRS agent took his house and a policewoman sicced one of her dogs on Ken after he flat-out admitted he slept with a stewardess so he could get first-class privileges on a flight. The last clip shows him laughing hysterically at a woman who'd just fired a gun at him (and missed because she had a lazy eye).
• This exchange as Titus, Dave, and Tommy confront Ken about his relationship with Kathy:
  Tommy: Now, we all know about your tete-a-tete with Nurse Kathy...
  Ken: Why is he always talking in some kind of gay code?
  Tommy: I'm not gay! And they don't have a code!
  Ken: How would you know that if you're not gay?
  Tommy: [fretfully] I am not gay! [Beat; adopts a more masculine voice] I'm gonna help the girls in the kitchen. [nods at Dave and walks out, standing straight]
• Dave's mondegreen moment:
  Titus: It's the angina talking!
  Dave: [gasps excitedly] It talks?!
  Titus: Angina.
• After Ken proposes marriage to Kathy and Titus vehemently objects, Kathy launches into this over-the-top tirade at Titus:
  Kathy: Now, listen, you interfering, ungrateful little loser! First you try to kill the man. Now you're telling him not to grasp the one chance of happiness he has left—me! Can't you see how happy he is?!
  [Shot of Ken scowling]
  Kathy: Can't you see that we're PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER?! NOW GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE YOU AGITATE HIM!!!
  • Titus then tells Kathy she's the one agitating Ken because they're sleeping together. Kathy's response? "That's what you know! I'm always on top!" Titus, Dave, Erin, and Tommy are immensely squicked out.
    Kathy: That's right, baby! Ridin' high!
    Ken: [stands up and holds Kathy] Look at me! I'm a cowboy!
    [They kiss]

2x02 — The Test

2x03 — The Surprise Party

• Titus names off three massacres that started off with "Surprise!": World War II's Pearl Harbor attack, the Vietnam War's Tet Offensive, and his uncle's 50th birthday party...which seems harmless, but Titus reacts to it as if he were a Shell-Shocked Veteran ("I was THERE, man! How many more have to die?!") and a flashback showed why: his uncle was unaware that his family was having a surprise party for him, assumed it was a home invasion, and shot into his darkened house, hitting two partygoers. Teen Titus holds out a gift and shouts "Surprise!", to which his uncle relaxes and says "Aw, you guys!"
  • The scene later where Tommy comes in, offended that they started the party without him and not noticing or caring that the cops are there to remove the bodies and take statements from witnesses. He slips on the blood of one of the victims.
• Titus's "The Ballad of Dave", about how Dave's mom abandoned her own son to escape Ken's verbally abusive relationship with her.
• Titus' Imagine Spot of what would happen if Dave moved in with him and Erin. Titus and Erin are in the bathroom, where Dave has been growing pot. Dave comes in and starts tending to the pot, and Titus asks him when he's moving out, to which Dave replies "After the harvest." Then the police burst into the bathroom, and Dave tells them the pot is Titus'. Titus shoots him a Death Glare, while Erin just continues brushing her teeth.
• Dave standing up to Ken...by taking a baseball bat to Ken's truck.
  Dave: I'm a man! [whacks the truck]
  Titus: [horrified] Dave! What the hell are you doing?!
  Dave: Standing up to Dad, baby!
  Titus: You're standing up to his truck!
  • Dave then sees Ken coming and bolts, leaving Titus standing there holding the bat as Ken stands behind him, glaring at him. Titus slowly turns around to face his dad, they both look at the damage done to the truck, and all Titus can say is "Surprise!"

2x04 — What's Up, Hollywood?

• This takes prominence because, while filming, they had to stop the scene because the audience wouldn't stop laughing at it.
  Ken: [after Christopher pimped out his truck and he got a DUI] You built me a cop magnet! I might as well have been a Black guy driving a large powdered doughnut!
• The Imagine Spot of Ken and Christopher at the beach after Ken admits he doesn't remember telling his son that he was proud of him, showing Ken trying to drown Titus in the ocean, Ken shoving two ice cream cones (ice cream side up) in Titus's eyes and Titus falling over, and Ken burying Titus in the sand headfirst, putting a pirate hat on his feet, sneering "Arr!", and leaving him.

2x05 — Locking Up Mom

• In the flashback of Ken trying to escape a deranged Juanita (a continuation of the end of "Mom's Not Nuts", only with Frances Fisher as Juanita instead of Christine Esterbrook), he yells at a cop to slap the cuffs on her. Because schizophrenics can exhibit Super-Strength due to a chemical imbalance in the brain, Juanita (who's not very tall or muscular) hurls the cop over his police car. Ken looks on in horror as the cop cleared the lights, then comments on how hot Juanita is for doing that.
• Titus reading a Dick and Jane-style kids' book about Juanita's upcoming competency hearing:
  Titus: See my mom. See the doctors release my mom from the mental hospital. See Titus. See Titus run to the mental hospital to make sure Mom stays locked up. Run, Titus, run!
• Titus, Erin, Dave, and Tommy freaking out after seeing that Juanita is working the front desk.
• The flashback of Ken listening to Juanita's murderous tirades on the answering machine. Once the messages stop, he takes out the tape, hands it to Preteen Titus, and says "File it with the others."
  • This is followed by a flashback of Preteen Titus using the violent and threatening messages for show and tell while the teacher and another student are crying. After Preteen Titus finishes, he walks up to a kid with a gerbil cage and says, "Let's see if your crappy gerbil can top that!"
• Dave making friends with a mental patient who can only speak in popping noises. Also a Heartwarming Moment (in a demented way) as not many TV shows depict mental patients with friends or a human side.
• This exchange:
  Ken: [Christopher]'s a little slow. [Juanita] smoked during the pregnancy. It's amazing he has lips!
  Juanita: He has wonderful lips.
  Erin: He does.
  Christopher: Thank you!
  Ken: QUIET!
• Ken's Freak Out when the doctors decide that Juanita is fit to be released from the mental hospital.

2x06 — The Perfect Thanksgiving

• The all-out brawl at the beginning, with Erin's brother Michael chasing a screaming Tommy, Erin crying she wanted a normal Thanksgiving, Ken not noticing or caring that Titus is getting strangled to death by Erin's father Merritt (and casually strolling out of the house), Dave getting sucker-punched by Erin's mom Nora, Erin's drug addict sister Kim eating a joint just as the cops come in, and Michael breaking the window to escape from the arriving police all the while Nora cheers for him to run. It's capped off by Tommy yelling after the fleeing Michael: "WHO'S THE HOMO NOW?!"
• Everyone complaining as they enter the emergency room until Titus gives them a Big "SHUT UP!".
• Kim trying to get medical marijuana from Kathy, but Dave blows it when he vouches for her and asks for rolling papers and an aluminum can.
• Dave thinking Titus' high-pitched screaming is coming from someone else in the hospital.
• A traumatized Erin walking up to Titus with a blown-up hospital glove, sobbing, "Look, I found a turkey. Gobble, gobble!"
• After Tommy lets slip that Titus and Erin are engaged, Titus sarcastically asks "Why don't you just tell them there's no Santa Claus?" Dave then angrily slams his hand down on the table and storms out the dining room.
• When Michael calls Tommy gay, Tommy takes a whole loaf of homemade bread and chucks it at him. Almost immediately, he hauls ass out of the room with Michael in hot pursuit.
• Ken's advice to Merritt on how to raise his children, complete with a hilarious Brief Accent Imitation.
  Ken: [to Merritt] Hey, why don't you teach your son to be a man? Hitting him only teaches him to be a [switches to an Irish accent] drunken Irish loser!
  • Ken then insults Titus for trying to jump a dangerous criminal in front of two cops, then tells Merritt that emotional damage is much better in disciplining children instead of physical abuse.
• Titus decides to have Thanksgiving dinner in the middle of the hospital. On a gurney.
  • Dave supplies a sheet and Titus tells him it's fine as long as it's not from a dead guy. He and Tommy then pause and look at Dave, who then goes "He didn't need it." Titus and Tommy groan in disgust, and promptly remove the sheet from the gurney.

2x07 — Tommy's Girlfriend

• Tommy takes Titus' advice to make running into his ex-girlfriend Carol "look like an accident" too literally; he rams his car into Carol's (empty) car in a parking lot.
  • After Tommy rams Carol's car and tells Titus what he did, this exchange follows:
    Tommy: You said make it look like an accident!
    Titus: Not a car accident! I mean, who are you, Dave?!
    Dave: Yeah, dumbass!
  • It also appears that this isn't the first time that Tommy's taken something Titus told him literally. Teen Titus tells Teen Tommy to "bare himself" to Carol, so Tommy decides to wait for Carol in her bedroom stark naked, which is what led Carol to accuse Tommy of raping her.
• While holding Carol hostage, Tommy remarks she almost looks angelic, "a terrified little angel..." This prompts Dave to Dope Slap him!

2x08 — The Reconciliation

• Ken's reaction to seeing Juanita with a knife (Titus handed it to her so she can cut the meat for dinner): He smashes a beer bottle and uses it to defend himself. It's funnier than it sounds.
  Ken: Bring it on, Fruit Loops!
  • Juanita just laughs at him.
• Titus regressing to a child in the Neutral Space as his parents bond.
  • Teen Titus mocks Ken and Juanita.
  • Preteen Titus questions whether his chair got bigger with an Aside Glance.
  • Kid Titus talks about how parents get together and make a baby. This leads to a flashback of Titus' conception in which Ken and Juanita are interrupted by the latter's lover who shoots a hole through their door.
  • When Bill arrives for dinner, Kid Titus asks "Who the hell is Bill?" Adult Titus walks up and chides his kid self, then asks "Who the [bleep] is Bill?" Cue Preteen Titus walking up and chastising his adult self for his language, with his kid self agreeing. Adult Titus then sheepishly apologizes.

2x09 — The Last Noelle

• The flashback of the "briar patch of psycho bitches" Titus dated before he met Noelle (who proved to be worse than them):
  • His first girlfriend, Dakota, cheated on him and tried to cover it up by saying she was "...tipping out the busboy."
  • His second girlfriend, Taylor, tried to cut his hair in his sleep while crying over her dead or missing dog.
  • His third girlfriend, Chastity, was a Satan worshiper who tried to get Titus to convert...and freaked him out when she moved a candle by staring at it.
• The flashback of Titus, Dave, and Ken at one of Ken's friends' funeral. While Titus and Dave are crying, Ken snaps, "Why are you crying? He owed me money." When Titus reminds Ken that the man is dead, Ken chuckles evilly and thanks Titus for cheering him up.
• Titus comes over to Ken's house after Noelle beats him up again...and Ken covers it up by telling his neighbors that Titus is a drug addict and needs to go to rehab. He then warns Titus, "You tell anyone that Munchkin beat you up and I'll kick your ass!"
• "I'M CALLING THE COPS!"

2x10 — Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

• Titus and Dave's fight at the end. It ends up on a magazine cover.

2x11 — When I Say Jump

2x12 — Episode 27

• In a flashback, Erin makes Titus go into Ken's house to apologize to Ken for some unknown thing. Literally seconds after Titus walks inside, he gets thrown out the front window. Erin then tells him "AGAIN!" and points back to the house.

2x13 — The Smell of Success

• "Once upon a time...NO!"

2x14 — Deprogramming Erin

• Dave describing Nora as "Spider-Man in a housecoat."
• Dave challenges Nora to a throw-down ("Get off our land!"). When Nora takes a step toward him ("You wanna go?!"), Dave hauls ass back into the house.
  • He later appears in the window and re-issues his command for the Fitzpatricks to "GET OFF OUR LAND!" Nora gestures at him, and he recoils.
• Tommy's boast "By schmalamming your ding-dong!" to Michael results in a long, uncomfortable silence. Finally:
  Michael: He is talking about fighting, right?
  Titus: Probably not.

2x15 — NASCAR

• The code name for cancer: "Raisins."
• When Titus and Ken finally figure out that Erin set them up, the following exchange takes place:
  Titus: You're not dying?
  Ken: No.
  Titus: Damnit!
  Ken: You're not dying?
  Titus: No.
  Ken: Crap!
  • When Ken then takes out a cigarette.
    Titus: Oh, great. Now you're gonna give me a lung raisin.
    Ken: Your whining is giving me a brain raisin!
• The trip is extended by a couple of hours because they have to make a detour around Texas, as Ken still has a warrant for his arrest there.
  Ken: [talking to a cop] 126 [MPH]? No way! This ol' gal shimmies at 95. Here, I'll show ya, hold my beer.
  [Ken peels out, as the State Line is only 2 miles away... which we know because Preteen Titus is currently peeing at the bottom of the sign]
  Preteen Titus: Dad! [glances at the cop before running after the car]
• Titus muses about how, while women are better at mental and emotional manipulation, men still get to hunt, gather, plow fields, and die ten years earlier. Cut to a fight with an ex-girlfriend about how she cheated on him, wrecked his car, and killed his fish... only for her to apologize half-heartedly while stretching her leg up to her head while wearing spandex.
• Titus and Ken start talking about how to pay Erin back for tricking them.
  Titus: What's the worst thing you can do to a pretty woman?
  Ken: Throw hot acid in her face.
  [Titus does a Spit Take]
  Titus: Dad, more "Practical Joke", less "lifetime deformity".

2x16 — Life Forward

• Ken's "pep talk" to Jerry's guests.
  Ken: This is not brain science! You're all a bunch of wussies! Get off your lazy asses! Get out of this stupid hotel! And go out and fix your useless, boring lives!
• "This is not Life Forward, Jerry. This is Ass Backwards."
• "This is how things got out of hand in Germany!"
• The huge photo of Ken and Jerry smiling together in the Neutral Space.

2x17 — Gift of the Car Guy

• Tommy's absolutely girly scream after seeing Dave naked in the bathroom.

2x18 — Tommy's Girlfriend No. 2

• Ken introducing Tommy to a bartender named Clyde ("He knows how to squeeze a ball").

2x19 — Hard Ass

• Ken's use of the Death Glare on Teen Titus in a flashback. It works. After Teen Titus hands over the pot and stomps out the room, Ken sniffs the pot and smiles approvingly.
  • In the present day, Titus tries the Death Glare on Amy. It fails spectacularly.
    Amy: You trying to ugly the weed out of my hand?
• Tommy gets stunned by Amy's stun gun. Dave later drags him out of the house and leaves him on the porch outside.
• After Amy reveals Dave is selling pot for her, Titus attempts his Death Glare on Dave, then berates Dave who's reduced to tears and says this:
  Dave: You're right. I'm only selling pot to buy Dad a surfboard so I can use it! I'm dirty! [runs out, bawling]
• This exchange after Ken brings Amy into the house:
  Ken: There's a big pile of gay on your front porch!
  Tommy: I'm not gay!
  Ken: Yeah, tell it to your shirt! [slams the door]
• Tommy manages to stun Amy with her stun gun. Doubles as a Moment of Awesome for Tommy.
• The ending clip of Ken spanking Dave.
  Ken: Yeah, Oldie's got a big hand, doesn't he?!

2x20 — Private Dave

• The Imagine Spot of how disastrous the idea of Dave in the Army is, ending with Dave causing a nuclear disaster while threatening another officer with a gun to his head.
• Titus trying to get the contract back from the recruitment officer ("Excuse me, bus station soldier!")...and getting tossed through the window.

2x21 — Three Strikes

• The Russian neighbor flashback montage. Every time Titus says "fat Russian wife," something bad happens.
  • The first time, Titus gets punched in the face.
  • The second time around, Titus gets sprayed with Erin's mace in the elevator.
  • The third time, Titus and Erin get shot at.
• The police catch Dave in the bushes and haul him into the house. Dave cries "Tell me they didn't find my secret stash of weed!"
• Titus and Michael each trying to furtively tell one of the officers that Dave or Michael is responsible.
• "I'm not going anywhere 'til I call my mom!"
• The Reveal of the actual robber in the kitchen.
• The robber gripes to Titus and Erin about bars on the windows.
  Robber: That is a HUGE fire hazard!
• The gun that the robber found in Erin's drawer turns out to be loaded (after Erin had told Titus earlier that it wasn't), resulting in Dave getting shot in the ass, Tommy ending up unconscious after trying to run into the (closed) closet, the robber getting away, and Titus left to receive a phone call from hospital-bound Erin saying the gun is loaded. Fantastic.

2x22 — The Pit

2x23 — The Pendulum

• The Reveal of Ken occupying the Neutral Space.
• Ken's explanation of why he calls Tommy a "fruit."
  Ken: Tommy's not a fruit, but he hangs out in the orchard. I'm don't call him a "fruit" because he is gay. Calling him one makes him suppress his fruit-like tendencies. It takes a village to raise a straight kid!
• "Motard?"
• While Titus is in a coma, Dave walks in with a bullhorn, stating that it will fix everything. He then yells into Titus' ear without the bullhorn: "Titus! We got you a bullhorn!"

2x24 — The Wedding

• Dave walking into the church with Titus' tuxedo after Titus and Erin decide to get married right then and there so they won't have to worry about their families.
  Dave: "I'm getting married in three days." Lies, lies, lies!
• The priest having to be restrained by everyone in the room after Titus tells him that Juanita's new husband Bill punched her in the face.
  Priest: You want a piece of God?! GOD'S GOT SOMETHING FOR YOUR HEATHEN ASS!! [attacks Bill]
  • Ken then walks in and delivers this nugget:
    Ken: Whoa, Father! Spare the rod...or Get a Room!!
• Tommy singing "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" to keep the guests entertained.
• When Juanita tries to excuse Bill's behavior:
  Titus: Mom, a quirk is when you fart and say "Arr, there ya be!"
• The flashback of Ken defending Juanita against a crazy lover threatening to burn down the Titus home by dressing Teen Titus up as Juanita and pushing him onto the porch. As Teen Titus is dragged away by the crazy guy, Ken opens the door and calls after them "Don't worry; he'll figure it out!"
• The priest shouting "Révolution!" after a gunshot rings out.
• Merritt asking "What size were his shoes?" after everyone realizes that Juanita shot and killed Bill, AND Erin decides she and Titus can't get married that day after all.

Season 3

3x01 — Racing in the Streets

• Titus and Dave's exchange with Castro and his brother...who happens to be named "David":
  Titus: Assuming I'm "whitey."
  Dave: I thought I was "whitey."
  Titus: [dope slaps Dave] Dave!
  Castro: Oh, you're definitely whitey, ese.
  Castro's Brother: I thought I was "ese"?
  Castro: [dope slaps his brother] David!
• Ken insulting Castro, who gives a gloriously sarcastic reply before insulting Ken back.
  Ken: [to Castro] What's your rush? Your fifteen kids will still be there when you get home.
  Castro: Si, senor. But I have to go home and feed the donkey, put on a huge sombrero and fall asleep underneath the Christmas tree. You racist Irish drunk. [walks off]
  Ken: [stands in silence for a long moment before grinning] That's my kind of Mexican!
• Erin fantasizes about Titus beating up Castro, set to Climax's "Precious and Few", while Castro's friends dance in the background.
• Erin helps Titus win the street race...by flashing her breasts at Castro.

3x02 — Amy's Birthday

• Amy's reaction to Tommy dressing up as a clown for her birthday party.
  Amy: Couldn't you just sent me a fruit basket?

3x03 — Tommy's Not Gay

• Teen Titus introducing his father to his new friend Roger who just moved into the neighborhood.
  Ken: That explains it. First time I ever saw a Black man take a TV into a house.
• The Imagine Spot of Ken as a gay man with a boyfriend.
  Titus: I won't call him "mommy".
  Ken: I call him "daddy".

3x04 — Shannon's Song

• The flashback of Titus throwing himself out of the car while Ken, Shannon, and Dave sing "Shannon's Song".

3x05 — Grad School

3x06 — Houseboat

• The flashback of Ken's tenth Christmas, where his mother gave him a toy puppy...that turns out to have been a real one that died because she didn't put holes in the box.
• Everything about The Kenge Gets Revenge (a Dr. Seuss-esque rhyming children's book about how Ken has been driven to revenge for everything Titus has done).
• Titus in the Neutral Space declaring that his dad finally has learned that love and forgiveness is better than hatred and vengeance, and next year, he'll teach his dad that "Heart attacks are not like women. You just can't keep having them."
  • If you listen closely during that part, you can hear the wrapped present ticking.

3x07 — The Trial

• When Erin tells the jury that Titus, Dave, and Tommy tied up Juanita's abusive husband before Juanita shot him, Titus and Tommy hide their faces while Dave just happily nods.

3x08 — Grandma Titus

• Anything involving Titus's grandmother.

3x09 — Errr

• Titus trying to stop Amy from killing herself by ingesting pills and vodka—not because he cares about her life, but because she stole them from his father's "Earthquake Kit."

3x10 — Tommy's Crush

• Dave's knowledge of uterine biology stems from the fact that he once got so high that he remembered the day he was born.
• This exchange:
  Titus: [to Tommy] You listen, if you come between Stefan and Shannon, you're gonna have to deal with that Swede and this... [to Ken] Dad, what are we, German-Irish?
  Ken: White. That's all that matters.
  [Everyone stares at him in shock while the audience groans in horror]
  Erin: [genuinely disgusted] Papa Titus!
  Ken: In society's eyes, I'm saying.
• Tommy brags to Titus that he nailed Shannon after Shannon decides to go back to Stefan. Titus's response? "That's nice. But you also nailed his daughter." Cut to Ken standing a few feet away from Tommy, with a very predatory but still very funny smile on his face. "Ha," indeed.

3x11 — Into Thin Air

• Dave's mini-snowman which he names "Phil." Titus takes Phil and throws him off the slope.
• Titus's life flashing before his eyes, only to find the only good memories are of his father calling him a "wussy." When Titus plays the memory back in the Neutral Space, all three Kens harmonize: "Wussy!".

3x12 — Too Damn Good

• Titus getting his ass handed to him by a 15-year-old Jerkass Ford executive (played by Frankie Muniz). Twice.
• Dave jumping back in terror and stumbling to the ground when Nick turns toward him intending to shake his hand.
• Tommy attempting to shatter a glass bottle. It fails.
  Tommy: DAMNIT, WHY WON'T THIS THING BREAK?!
• How much does Titus need quiet while working? Erin dropping cotton balls in another room sets him off. And he can hear Erin mouthing "I'm sorry." Which sets him off again.
• A stressed-out Titus with a paper bag bearing a sad face drawn on it over his head.

3x13 — Bachelor Party

• While stuck at a diner, the pregnant and just-had-her-water-break waitress (played by Alex Borstein^note the same one from Gilmore Girls, MA Dtv, and Family Guy (another FOX sitcom centered on a wildly dysfunctional family)) finds out her baby is facing the wrong way. Tommy gets volunteered to flip the baby around and does so, going on possibly the shortest ego trip ever.
  Tommy: You all make your jokes, but when push comes to shove, Tommy Shafter comes through! [looks down at the aftermath of his rescue and faints]
  • Tommy regains consciousness briefly, thinking he was dreaming about stuffing a turkey for Thanksgiving. Then the waitress shows him her newborn baby and goes "Gobble-gobble." Cue Tommy passing out again.

3x14 — Hot Streak

• Ken succumbs to his heart attack and goes to Heaven. Unfortunately for him, Heaven has turned out all its lights (hard to imagine why), and angels can be heard quietly moving about as Ken knocks on the door. A loud noise sounds from inside, and an angel admonishes "Jesus!", to which Jesus apologizes. Ken yells he has to use the bathroom, only to be revived by Christopher.
  • Erin wonders if Ken is okay. Cue Ken decking Christopher in the face, and Christopher replying "He's fine" before falling out of shot.

3x15 — The Session

3x16 — Same Courtesy

3x17 — After Mrs. Shafter

• Titus seeing Tommy threaten Ken with a knife and trying to calm him down by telling him that he did the same thing to his dad when he was young. This is followed by a Smash Cut to Ken threatening Tommy with a knife and Titus telling Tommy that the same thing happened to him when he did that.
• Ken: "There are gonna be three hits, Perry. Me hitting you. You hitting the floor. And then you hitting on the paramedic!"

3x18 — The Visit

• The "Back-of-Dad's-Hand Cam" makes a return when Teen Titus steals some beer and tells his father that he's going to drop out of school and commit crimes for a living.
  [Multiple rapid-fire slaps to the face]
  Ken: Next time you steal beer, you're going to steal my brand of beer, aren't ya, idiot?
  Teen Titus: [recovering from multiple rapid-fire slaps] Okay.
  [Multiple rapid-fire slaps to the face]
  Ken: Wrong! You never steal, dumbass! [multiple rapid-fire slaps to the face]
• The flashback of Titus and Dave finding Ken strung up on the power lines in aluminum foil (thanks to Juanita, who once again went manic and tried to kill Ken).
• Immediately after Erin says she and Titus are going to give Amy a stable and loving home, Ken, Tommy, and Dave suddenly storm into the living room.
  Ken: WHERE THE HELL IS THAT CRAZY BITCH?!
• Dave and Tommy start goofing off, to which Ken tells them "Shut up or I will shoot you both!"
• Ken emptying his gun into an empty pantry.
• Everyone offers a different explanation until Miss Hayes lets out a Big "SHUT UP!".

3x19/20 — Insanity Genetic, Parts 1 & 2

• Prior to being forced off the plane, we get this exchange.
  Tommy: Where are the in-flight snacks!? I have no nuts!
  [6-second Beat as Ken smirks at Tommy from his seat]
  Ken: Truer words, my little nut-less friend!
  Tommy: You shut up. I used to be a flight attendant!
• The rapid-fire cross-cut interrogation sequence after the Titus clan is detained by airport security.
  • Dave, when questioned about Titus: "So, he wants Ford dead..."
• The flashback of Teen Titus mixing fuels against Ken's warnings.

3x21 — The Protector

• This exchange between Amy and Tommy:
  Amy: Chew my boob, homo!
  Tommy: Whip it out, then!
  Titus: Tommy!
  Tommy: Oh, you talk the talk, but you don't walk the walk. HOMO THAT! [flashes his nipple at Amy]
• Dave finds Amy's journal and leafs through it.
  Dave: Amy wrote this story about three guys, and the redheaded guy...is a total idiot!
  • The unnatural sounds he makes at Amy to wards her off as she tells him to give her journal back.
  • "Oh, I get it. The short, hairy guy is gay!" Cue Tommy rolling his eyes upward.
• In the Neutral Space, Titus labels his baseball bat "Perswader" and sees he misspelled it.
  • In the final scene, Titus re-labels his bat "Justise." When he sees he misspelled the word, he bashes out the light bulb.
• Titus explaining to the audience about how reckless accusations can ruin people's reputations (after Amy reveals that she knows Frank as the man who sexually molested her as a kid, but Titus doesn't believe her because she's a sociopath and compulsive liar), and uses his old high school rival, Mario Copono from Fremont, California as an example:
  Titus: [in the Neutral Space] A reckless accusation can ruin a person's life—any person's, like my high school rival, Mario Compono of Fremont, California. His life would suck if somebody went on national television and just said out loud that he prances around in women's underwear. Man, I hope that never happens to... [looks into the camera] Mario Copono of Fremont, California.
  • The Call-Back during Titus' otherwise heartbreaking monologue about how it's hard to protect children, as they can still fall prey to abuse, such as spending the night at a friend's house and coming back scarred for life.
    Titus: So whatever you do, don't let your kids visit the home of Mario Compono from Fremont, California.

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