Funny / Titanic (1997)

• Brock's Establishing Character Moment, in which he gives an overly-sappy monologue about viewing the Titanic wreck, which his friend Lewis knows means nothing.
  Brock: Seeing her coming out of the darkness like a ghost ship...still gets me every time, to see the sad ruin of the great ship sitting here, where she landed at 2:30 in the morning of April 15th, 1912, after her long fall...from the world above.
  Lewis: (snorts) You are so full of shit, boss!
• "You know, boss, the same thing happened to Geraldo and his career never recovered."
  • Lewis is referencing an actual event. In 1986, Geraldo Rivera hosted a massively-hyped special in which he would open Al Capone's vault, only to find there was nothing inside.
• While talking with the partners who are financing his expedition, Brock tries to reassure them that there are plenty of places that the diamond could be.
  Brock: The floor debris in the suite, the mother's room, purser's safe on C deck.
  Bobby: Jimmy Hoffa's briefcase.
• Brock and Old Rose saying the same thing upon seeing the drawing: "I'll be goddamned!"
  • When Brock says that the Diamond must have "gone down with the ship", Rose glances between him and the portrait of her younger self with a knowing look.
• Rose arrives aboard the Keldysh with a dozen suitcases. As she's being brought below deck, one of the flight crew hands Brock a bowl with goldfish, leaving him with a bewildered look.
  Bodine: Doesn't exactly travel light, does she?
• Jack, handcuffed below deck with the porthole already several feet below water.
  Jack: This could be bad.
  [Cue water trickling in across floor.]
  Jack: Oh, shit! OH, SHIT!
• The scene where Rose is trying to cut the chain on Jack's handcuffs. Jack thinks it's best for her to take a couple of practice shots on a dresser. After taking the first whack, Jack instructs her to hit the exact same spot. Rose misses by a good half-foot. Jack is visibly stricken with fear and decides that's enough practice.
  • She's also 6 inches off target when cutting the actual chain.
  • Winslet actually hit DiCaprio's left hand with the axe blade during filming (thankfully, he wasn't hurt). It was left in the final cut of the film◊, because despite all the foul-ups, it was the best take she could manage!
    • The reason so many retakes were needed is that the head of the axe was rubber, and wobbled whenever Winslet took a swing.
• Jack screaming about the water being cold.
  • Especially since that was his honest reaction to the water and not part of the script.
• "Hang on, Ms. Trudi!" Cue sliding down the ship and flashing undergarments to everyone.
• Rose's last lines to Jack are pretty hilarious in an unintentional way: "I'll never let go, Jack! I'll never let go!" Whoops, down he goes!
• Rose and Jack's Big "SHUT UP!" moment.
  • This was based on an actual event. Richard Norris Williams, one of the survivors, broke down a door to free a trapped passenger and a steward threatened to report him for damaging White Star property.
• Jack's brief French accent when Rose brings him to her stateroom.
  Rose: Don't artists need good light?
  Jack: Zat is true, but I'm not used to working in such...'orrible conditions!
• "Over on the bed-the couch."
  • Even funnier, that wasn't scripted. Leo honestly flubbed the line and corrected himself there.
• The lunch scene in the Palm Court between Rose, Cal, Ruth, Thomas Andrews, Molly Brown, and Bruce Ismay.
  • The amazing passive-aggressive grin that Rose gives Cal after he orders lamb for both of them, and then asks afterwards if she even likes lamb.
    Molly Brown: You gonna cut her meat for her too there, Cal?
  • After hearing enough of Bruce Ismay go on about the size of Titanic, Rose asks if he is familiar with Dr. Freud:
    "His ideas about the male preoccupation with size might be of particular interest to you."
  • Her mother's reaction to this:
    Ruth: What's gotten into you?
  • Thomas Andrews and Molly Brown barely concealing their laughter at her comment.
  • After she leaves, Ismay is confused and asks his companions who Freud is, and if he is a guest on the ship.
• After Old Rose is asked what happened after the nude sketch. "You mean, did we...do it?"
  • The visual joke of the scene cutting back to Old Rose finishing up the sketch anecdote, which then cuts to a shot of a wide-angle shot of the entire crew listening intently, literally on the edge of their seats, eagerly awaiting juicier details.
• "If she had lived, she would be over 100 by now." "101 next month." "...Okay, so she's a very old goddamn liar!"
• Rose giving Lovejoy the finger and trilling, "Bye!" as they go down in the elevator.
  • Adding to it is Jack himself cracking up.
• The guy who hits the giant propeller as they fall. Perhaps best summed up by this YouTube comment:
  People dying cold and terrified in the shadow of a massive ship sinking into the ocean, dragging hundreds to an icy grave as it goes. Children screaming, mothers weeping, men clamouring over each other to reach a lifeboat like wild dogs trying get at a piece of meat. This is humanity in its rawest form. It is a horror to behold...
  
  Then this idiot does a pinwheel off the propeller and everyone can't stop laughing.
  • The audible THUNK he makes as he hits the propeller is what sells it.
  • Rest in peace, Propeller Guy. You died for our chuckles.
• During the first break in the narrative, only Rose's granddaughter and the expedition leader seem to be paying much attention to her story. When it cuts back again after the scene of Jack drawing Rose, they're all listening intently.
• The salvage-crew member who talks so exuberantly all through the CGI animation of how the Titanic sank is some great Techno Babble:
  Lewis Bodine: Okay here we go. She hits the berg on the starboard side, right? She kind of bumps along punching holes like Morse code, dit dit dit, along the side, below the water line. Then the forward compartments start to flood. Now as the water level rises, it spills over the watertight bulkheads, which unfortunately don't go any higher than E Deck. So now as the bow goes down, the stern rises up. Slow at first, then faster and faster until finally she's got her whole ass sticking up in the air - And that's a big ass, we're talking 20-30,000 tons. Okay? And the hull's not designed to deal with that pressure, so what happens? "KRRRRRRKKK!" She splits. Right down to the keel. And the stern falls back level. Then as the bow sinks it pulls the stern vertical and then finally detaches. Now the stern section just kind of bobs there like a cork for a couple of minutes, floods and finally goes under about 2:20 AM, two hours and forty minutes after the collision. The bow section planes away, landing about half a mile away going about 20-30 knots when it hits the ocean floor. "BOOM, PLCCCCCGGG!"... Pretty cool, huh?
  Old Rose: Thank you for that fine forensic analysis, Mr. Bodine. Of course, the experience of it was somewhat different.
  • Then he looks absolutely mortified when Rose points out that she was there, as he realizes he's been recounting a tragedy she'd seen kill hundreds of people as if it were a brain-dead action movie.
  • The part where he describes the stern rising out of the water—or, as he puts it, "she's got her whole ass sticking up in the air. And that's a big ass!" is particularly hilarious.
  • More Hilarious in Hindsight as subsequent studies on the real Titanic commissioned by Cameron, have shown that the stern likely did not rise more than 20 degrees.
    • But Hindsight or no, even at 23 degrees... the Titanic would STILL be showing off her Badonkadonk.
• The scene where Thomas Andrews informs the ship's captain and officers that the ship is going to sink:
  Andrews: From this moment on, no matter what we do, Titanic will founder.
  Ismay: [incredulously] But this ship can't sink!
  Andrews: She's made of iron, Mr Ismay. I assure you, she can. And she will.
• Jack doesn't lose his humour even when clambering up the deck of the ship as it sinks.
  Random Guy: Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...
  Jack: You wanna walk a little faster through that valley there?
  • Nor does he do so after they're in the water post-sinking, clinging to the piece of wooden door. Gallows Humor at its finest.
  Jack: I don't know about you...but I'm going to be writing a Strongly Worded Letter to the White Star Line.
  • During the same scene, you can clearly hear someone in the background shouting "Nobody panic!"
• As Rose leaves a cuffed Jack behind to get someone or something to cut him loose, he yells out feebly, "I'll just wait here!"
• "Jack—this is where we first met!" Cue WTF expression from Leo. It was ad libbed by Kate Winslet.
• The Throw It In! moment from Leonardo DiCaprio where he says that it's "time for me to go row with the other slaves."
• The alternate ending. Instead of Rose just walking out to the edge of the ship and kinda dropping the necklace into the sea, her granddaughter and the crew members see her standing there and run over. Cue her whipping out the necklace in front of them and threatening to drop it. Brock tells her "I don't know what to say to a woman who tries to jump off the Titanic when it's not sinking and then jumps back on when it is..." and begs her just to just let him hold it. After Rose's whole spiel, she lets him, and when she pulls it out of his hand, he grabs onto it until she gives him a look. And then she tosses it over her shoulder with that same little squeak. Lewis Bodine runs to the railing to watch the necklace sink, then turns to Rose and yells "THAT REALLY SUCKS, LADY!" before the whole back-on-the-Titanic scene.
  • For a few seconds after Rose throws the necklace overboard, Brock is speechless, then starts laughing like a madman, sees the expression on Lewis's face and laughs again before asking Lizzy for a dance.
• Anybody who speaks Swedish will get a good laugh whenever Olaf opens his mouth. Not to mention when Fabrizio and his Swedish "roommates" are woken up and one of them very theatrically cries: "Oh my God, there's water everywhere!"
• When Jack tries to stop Rose from jumping off the Titanic when they first meet, especially when they devolve into a back and forth.
  Rose: I mean it. I'll let go.
  (Jack takes a drag on his cigarette and motions that he's gonna toss it over the railing before doing so)
  Jack: No you won't.
  Rose: What do you mean, no I won't? Don't presume to tell me what I will and will not do! You don't know me!
  Jack: Well, you would have done it already.
  Rose: You're distracting me! Go away!
  Jack: I can't. I'm involved now. You let go, and I'm gonna have to jump in there after you. (takes off his jacket)
  Rose: Don't be absurd. You'll be killed.
  Jack: (unties his shoes) I'm a good swimmer.
  Rose: The fall alone will kill you.
  Jack: It'll hurt. I'm not saying it wouldn't.
• Jack makes a quip at Cal, as well.
  Rose: Darling, you remember Mr. Dawson.
  Cal: Dawson. Why, it's amazing. You could almost pass for a gentleman.
  Jack: Almost.
• Molly Brown has several good ones:
  "Must they insist on announcing dinner like some damn cavalry charge?"
  "Hey, Sonny, you got us all trussed up, now we're all out here cooling our heels...I doubt anyone knows what the hell's going on!"
  (In a deleted scene, while having tea): "Hey sonny, how about a little ice?" (cue iceberg scrolling past the window behind her).
  • There was also the story about her husband accidentally burning $300,000 that she had hidden in the stove. Even funnier is that this was a real incident.
• The scene with Jack teaching upper-class girl Rose how to spit— off of the most luxurious ocean liner on Earth. And Rose's mother and her high class friends show up just in time to witness the couple executing epic "loogies" from the pit of their respective throats. "The Unsinkable" Molly Brown has to subtly hint to Jack to wipe the slobber spit from his chin.
• Midway through the sinking, a woman asks Lightoller if he would mind holding the lifeboat for a moment while she gets something from her cabin. Lightoller simply grabs her and essentially dumps her in the boat before lowering.
• Jack, the poorest man on board, meeting John Jacob Astor, the richest man on board.
  Astor: Are you of the Boston Dawsons?
  Jack: Uh, no. The Chippewa Falls Dawsons, actually.
  Astor: [obviously has never heard of them] Ah, yes.
  • While waiting for Rose before dinner, Jack takes a look at the social elite and spends a minute mimicking their posture and mannerisms.
• During the party in steerage, Jack and Rose are dancing before a cut back to the smoking room where Cal and the other men are having some boring conversation about business and politics. In early theatrical showings, the abrupt change in tone had some audiences in stitches.
  • Also Rose's description of it beforehand: "Now they will retreat into a cloud of smoke and congratulate each other on being masters of the universe."
• "On the outside, I was everything a well-brought-up girl should be. On the inside, I was screaming." The scene then immediately cuts to a horn blaring loudly.
• After Jack wins the tickets, Fabrizio cheerfully says "I go to America!" To which the bartender replies "Nah, mate! Titanic go to America...in five minutes!" Cue Oh, Crap! from Jack and Fabrizo.
  • When they finally get to their cabin, they meet two Swedish guys who were supposed to be traveling with Sven and Olaf. Jack introduces himself, and then one of them turns to the other to ask where Sven is.
• The third class passengers following a huge swarm of rats that are trying to flee the sinking ship.
  Tommy: If this is the direction the rats are going, that's good enough for me!
• Jack and Rose finding an alternate way up to the deck that's being blocked by the staff with several of the other lower deck passengers trying to get through. Jack has enough, spots a nearby bench and he and several of the other passengers use it as a battering ram to bust down the gate. As all this goes on, the crewman who's blocking them is trying to dissuade them even when his fellow crew mates have pulled a Screw This, I'm Out of Here! on him. The gate is eventually busted down and the passengers proceed onward with the crew member still chastising them until Tommy swiftly knocks him out.
• Rose teasing Jack about blushing when he's drawing her in the nude, and his exasperated response.
  Rose: I do believe you are blushing, Mr. Big Artiste. Can't imagine Monsieur Monet blushing.
  Jack: He does landscapes.
• On the same subject (Jack's nude art), when Rose was earlier looking at his sketchbook and asked about a particular model he seemed to love drawing a great deal, Jack casually notes to her that the woman was a one-legged prostitute. Cue Rose looking at the drawing again and doing a Double Take. "Oh...oh!"
• From a deleted scene:
  Lewis Bodine: Wait a second, I wanna get something straight; you were gonna kill yourself by jumping off the Titanic? (laughs) All you had to do was wait two days.
• In a deleted scene where Rose tells Jack about her dreams and why she wants to escape her high-society life:
  Random waiter: Miss, would you like some tea?
  Rose: NO!
• As Jack, Rose, Fabrizio, and Tommy run along the deck to get to the lifeboats, they pass by the orchestra still playing music. Tommy makes this quip:
  Tommy: Music to drown by, now I know I'm in first class.
  • Just before they pass by the band have an amusing exchange of their own:
    Violinist: What's the use? Nobody's listening to us!
    Hartley: Well they don't listen to us at dinner either. Come on, let's play. Keep ourselves warm.
• Jack's momentary confusion at the massive set of cutlery during dinner.
  Jack: Are these all for me?
  Molly Brown: Just start from the outside and work your way in.
• When Cal and Lovejoy find the nude drawing of Rose and her note, in the wardrobe mirror, Lovejoy sneaks a few glances at the drawing while Cal fumes over it.
• Despite the seriousness of the scene where Cal chases after Jack and Rose attempting to shoot them, it is quite funny when Cal slips and falls.
• The perplexed reaction of the stokers in Boiler Room #6 when Jack and Rose run by them.
  Jack: Carry on! Don't mind us! You're doing a great job! Keep up the good work!
• There's an alternate death scene for Fabrizio where Cal kills him for trying to get into the lifeboat. After Cal hits him on the head with the oar, we get this exchange:
  Fabrizio: You don't... understand. I have... to get... to America.
  Cal: (pointing with the oar) It's that way!
• Morbidly funny, but the piece that the band played just before "Nearer My God to Thee"? The Blue Danube Waltz. (Or, rather, "On the Beautiful Blue Danube", to use the original title.) Most of the ship would be swimming in the deep blue sea shortly after. Before that, they also play the "Infernal Galop" from the comic opera Orpheus in the Underworld, which is more commonly known as The Cancan Song - playing a piece about the underworld as many passengers are going to their death.
• A little blink-and-you-miss-it gag; during the news interview where Old Rose sees the picture of herself, the news anchor raises the question that what Brock's doing on the Titanic is essentially grave-robbing. Rather smugly, Brock chuckles "Well, nobody called the recovery of the artifacts from King Tut's tomb grave-robbery." Umm... yes they did, Brock. That's literally what it was.
• Near the end of the sinking where Rose, Jack, and many other passengers begin running towards the rising stern, Rose trips and Charles Joughin (the Real Life chief baker of the ship who survived the sinking) casually helps her back up saying "I got you, Miss." As the real life Joughin was drinking like a fish during the sinking (and he had a flask during the climax) some like to joke that he was probably so drunk that he was unaware how dire of a situation he was in, hence why he was so calm among the panicking passengers.
  • The moment is even funnier in the script, where Rose slips and Joughin accidentally grabs her butt whilst helping her up, awkwardly apologizing with, "Sorry, miss.". This moment might've been too comedic for the otherwise tense and dark scene.
    • Made even funnier when you know that Charles Joughlin survived the Titanic because he was so utterly shit-faced drunk that all the alcohol kept him warm. Yes, he lived... because he was drunk as a skunk on Alcohol.
• There is an outtake of Billy Zane deliberately tipping off an extra's bowler hat, then trying to look innocent before getting challenged to a sparring match with their canes.
• In a deleted scene, Ismay begins to panic at the sight of a distress rocket exploding in the sky. He pushes several passengers, two old First Class men, needlessly out of the way before grabbing a rope and yelling at the crew to lower the boat. Officer Lowe, having absolutely no clue that he’s talking to his boss, starts to scold him as if he’s talking to a kid who broke something. When Ismay tries to intimidate him by asking him if he has any idea who he’s talking to, Lowe responds by saying that he’s talking to a passenger, whilst he’s a ship officer, so Ismay better does as he’s told. All Ismay can do is sheepishly apologize and stand there, flabbergasted, whilst Lowe starts to ignore him. Best part? All of this really happened!

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