Funny / The Righteous Gemstones

"Oh, the elixirs..."

The opulently wealthy, out-of-touch Gemstone family provide plenty of laughs, even if some of it Crosses the Line Twice, with violent, pitch-Black Comedy at the expense of titular family and everyone in their orbit.

Unmarked spoilers ahead.

Season 1

• The first shot of the Gemstones is baptizing people in a 24-hour baptism. It starts well, but then the wave pool is accidentally turned on.
• Jesse mocks Judy for marrying a "boring-ass white boy" even though he and the rest of the family are also white.
• The completely random dance number of the Satanists after they meet up with Keefe, choreographed like a music video. All Keefe can do is walk away as quickly as possible.
  • The dance number is based on this viral internet video.
• Judy insists she's an adult and that Eli treats her like she's not. A baffled Eli can only say "Judy, you're almost 40."
• Aimee-Leigh puts a flower in Eli's hair and he comments that he looks like a hippie.
• "Misbehavin'" is this all the way through, but the lyric "Runnin' through the house with a pickle in my mouth" deserves a special mention for sheer absurdity.
• Keefe hearing a commotion outside of the house he's staying at goes out to see what is happening...wearing nothing but a shirt that is a little small on him.
• Jesse decides to come clean to his wife about his indiscretions in order to absolve his son. He doesn't tell his crew this and thus subjects them and their families to watching the blackmail tape of them doing illegal drugs and in Chad's case, cheating with a prostitute. Amber waits until everyone has left and explodes on him, ending with her shooting him in the ass.
• Baby Billy gives Judy a ride home, gently encouraging her to not let anyone hold her back from her success. When she’s in the house, he immediately turns to Tiffany and says, "Who wants to suck an old man's dick?"
• After accidentally killing Scotty, Baby Billy and Tiffany dump Scotty's van with his body inside in a marsh. The water doesn't completely cover the van, leaving the top half of it uncovered. Baby Billy says that high tide will come in and cover the rest. The problem is that it was high tide and at low tide the entire van is uncovered.
• Kelvin’s delivery of "I don’t wanna be a decent man, Jesse, I wanna be Jesus!"
• Jesse, Judy, and Kelvin realize that Baby Billy was the one who crashed into Scotty and took their money, based on a Jesus dashboard knick-knack found at the scene. Eli is so angry at the betrayal that he smashes it against a wall, thinking it was "a karate person". Eli hurries to try and salvage it as his kids call him out on destroying Jesus.
  • Before Eli smashes the figurine, he praises his children for finally getting their acts together and finding out the truth. They spend a few minutes arguing over who has been redeemed the most. Eli's face the entire time is priceless.
• Aimee-Leigh has just died and the family is saying a prayer over her when a bee somehow flies into the room. The family's attempt to swat the fly ends up with them trashing the room.
• BJ telling Judy that he is tough now and shows her the earring he's wearing.
• Judy describes her last "boyfriend" to BJ. It turns out that she was actually a Stalker with a Crush, a rapist, and a kidnapper but doesn't even realize it. The whole thing crosses the line so many times you can’t help but laugh.

Season 2

• To get money from Eli, Amber wears a very low cut shirt, leading to the family making an assortment of breast puns about it.
• The Gemstone siblings going to Thaniel's cabin, discovering his body, and slipping in his blood.
  • Their inability to escape because they can't figure out how to close the doors of Judy's new Tesla.
  • When Eli shows up at his house with blood on his pants, he claims he had to move a dead deer out of the road.
• Looking at some mysterious texts of Eli's, Judy pulls a magnifying glass from out of nowhere.
• The real reason for the blood on Eli's pants? He went home with one of Junior's female friends, tried to do some "manscaping", and cut himself.
  • The Gemstone siblings were fine with the thought of Eli murdering someone but they're disgusted when they learn he nearly "cheated" on their dead mother.
• The flashback episode where the Gemstones try to take their Christmas photo. Eli gets fed up with the kids' bickering about whether or not "pussy" is a cuss word.
  Eli: Everybody just smile and say "Merry Christmas" Goddamnit!
  The Gemstones: Merry Christmas!
  Jesse and Judy: Goddamnit!
  (Eli sighs.)
• When Junior sends one of his wrestlers to threaten Eli, he does it with the exaggerated showmanship of a pro-wrestler, which Eli compliments him on.
• Jesse and his gang threaten to kill Junior and his family, but even they are freaked out when Matthew threatens to rape them.
• After the scene at the hospital, BJ calmly walks out, oblivious to the ninja star sticking out of his skull.
• Eli referring to Keefe as "Queef." It happens Once a Season.

Season 3

• Aimee-Leigh complaining about the Gemstones doing a service at a fair ground with monster trucks but at least they aren't selling beer. Cut to a beer vendor going by.
• Jesse fires his father's driver for leaking a (fake) story to the press about Amber baking cookies to cheer Jesse up after the bad poll numbers.
• During church lunch, Jesse calls Keefe "slow eyes." Keefe's response is to move his eyes and blink quickly several times.
• Kelvin and Keefe have embarked on a new initiative which involves taking teenagers into sex toy shops and wrecking the place, buying up the stock (making it more profitable), and then burning it.
  • "No smut, no lust, no coconuts!"
  • Jesse points out that they shouldn't be burning a bunch of plastic toys, as the fumes are probably toxic.
  Keefe: The smoke from some of the butt plugs was green and it smells like pool toys.
• Pontius now has multiple tattoos, including one on his face, much to Jesse's frustration. It says "blessed" and looks terrible.
• Judy and Shay Simkins try to compete over who looks better and her brother Craig helpfully interjects.
  Craig: Well no one here is looking as good as me.
• The Cold Opening of episode 2 introduces us to Stephen's wife, Kristy, who rags on him for his frosted tips and torn jeans while sporting an absolutely baffling Mom haircut.
• Jesse and Kelvin mock Peter's family for being hyper-religious people who love guns and live on a compound together.
• After his Bible Bonkers pitch is rejected, Baby Billy tries to sound menacing but seems to forget a key detail in the process.
  Baby Billy: You ain't seen the last of me.
  Jesse: ...You're our uncle.
• The whole squad reacting to Keefe's fire-dancing. Kelvin is predictably delighted, as is Karl, but almost everyone else seems baffled (or dizzy), except Tiffany and Amber, who look like they're Eating the Eye Candy.
  • In a mix of Black Comedy and Getting Crap Past the Radar, the lascivious dubstep track that accompanies Keefe's performance happens to be the theme song of the highly controversial Torture Porn movie A Serbian Film.
• Baby Billy randomly accosts Jesse by climbing out of some nearby bushes.
• Peter disrupts church lunch, awkwardly dragging up an extra chair and sitting down to talk before Eli threatens to shoot him. Half the table pull their guns on him (even BJ). However, Kelvin and Keefe didn't get the memo, and just hold up a fork and finger guns instead.
• When the youth group parents confront Kelvin, one of them hits him with this line when Keefe's Satanic past comes up.
  Mom: I don't judge people's past. I used to sell fireworks by the side of the road.
• Judy and Jesse confronting Kelvin about Keefe's "misconduct" vacillates between sad and funny.
  • Jesse doesn't even really know what Keefe has allegedly done wrong, repeatedly saying he's "molesting people or whatever" but only caring about the optics of it and even finds Keefe a different job in the church.
  • Neither Judy nor Jesse seems to want to address the Ambiguously Gay elephant in the room the entire time.
    Kelvin: I like working with Keefe closely.
    Judy: (high-pitched, fake smile) Okay.
• Eli jokes about Jesus doing crossword puzzles but always getting stuck on 2 across.
• In "Interlude III" young Kelvin explains to Jesse and Amber that he hates going shopping with Judy because she steals constantly, showing a montage that features Judy dragging tiny Kelvin across the floor of the mall. She apparently threatened to cut his junk off.
• Baby Billy threatens to sell the hologram to someone who will turn it into a porn bot. When Jesse points out that Eli doesn't like when people try to exploit Aimee-Leigh's memory, Baby Billy declares they have a right to exploit her as her brother and son.
• The Gemstone's attempts to destroy the Aimee-Leigh hologram turns ridiculous when it short-circuits and begins intercutting Aimee-Leigh's singing with DMX.
• The youth group immediately takes to Taryn, and we're treated to Kelvin looking completely miserable while she hypes up the group.
• Amber, BJ and Gideon are walking around Eli's yard discussing what to do about the hostage situation. When they look up, Keefe is suddenly there, standing in Eli's bushes.
  BJ: It's Kelvin's friend, Chief.
  Amber: Oh, I think his name is Quiche.
  Gideon: I always heard it as Heath...
  • Keefe proceeds to do an Unflinching Walk through the hedge, awkwardly kneeling to them once he reaches where they’re standing.
• Baby Billy is very concerned that Jesse's abduction might interfere with Bible Bonkers.
• Peter forces Jesse, Judy and Kelvin to do a sermon for the militia. They quickly find they cannot improvise to, literally, save their lives and it devolves into them awkwardly scatting.
• The kids force Eli to talk through Uncle Baby Billy because they're angry about Eli refusing to pay their ransom.
• Baby Billy opens the season 3 finale with a Hope Spot that his friendship with Dusty Daniels can help the Gemstones get him back as a congregant. He knows Dusty because they partied together in 1999 when they thought the world was going to end, including taking part in an orgy together.
  Jesse: Hold up, did you fuck Dusty Daniels?
• The Gemstone children call a huge meeting with all the church's ministers to win over their trust during the transition of power from their father. Instead it devolves into a shouting match and a shoe-throwing fight.
• Everything about the series premiere of Baby Billy’s Bible Bonkers, at least until the locusts arrive. The campy and over-the-top theme song has Martin nearly in tears. There’s also Baby Billy’s incredibly corny Bible jokes.
• In a way, the locust storm in the season finale. Apparently God really hates Baby Billy's Bible Bonkers.