"Look at me now, look at me! I'm wearing a cardboard belt!"
"My blanket! My blue blanket! Give me back my blue blanket! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"
Leo breaks down into hysterics:
Leo: I'm hysterical! [splash] I'm wet! I'M WET! and I'm hysterical and I'm WET! [SMACK!] "I'm in pain. I'm in pain, and I'm wet... AND I'M STILL HYSTERICAL! (Max raises his hand again) No no don't hit, don't hit! It only increases my sense of danger!
Max: What can I do? You're making me hysterical!
Leo: Go over there, you frighten me.
The "Hysterical" scene is truly hilarious, but the 2005 remake earns extra points for adding the line "Who's my little accountant? Who's my little accountant? You are! Yes, you are! You're my little accountant!" And Max's "please, you're making me hysterical" face and exclaiming in a high-pitched voice, "Alright, alright! What can I do?! You're gettin' me hysterical!" before that.
"You're gonna jump on me! You're gonna jump on me and squash me like a bug!!!" In the original movie, Leo worries, "I know you're gonna jump on me, like Nero jumped on Poppaea!" Cue an explanation to Max on who exactly Poppaea was and why Nero jumped on her. Then Max screams "I'm NOT GOING TO JUMP ON YOU!" while jumping up and down. Cue Leo getting even worse.
The Genius Bonus of calling him "Prince Mishkin" makes it even better.
"You have exactly ten seconds to turn that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect. One, two... do the books, do the books!"
The entire Springtime for Hitler song. "Don't be stupid, be a smarty! Come and join the Nazi party!"
The cut-away to the audience's expressions as they watch with rapt horror and disgust... with Franz right in the middle beaming from ear to ear and nodding along with pride. In one of the commentaries on The Simpsons, David Mirkin calls this "the funniest single shot in movie history."
As Franz breaks into a triumphant rendition of "Deutschland Uber Alles," Leo awkwardly puts his hand on his heart before reminding Franz that people can hear him, at which point Franz starts sheepishly singing "Yankee Doodle Dandy."
"We find the defendants incredibly guilty."
While searching for a potential flop, Max reads the very first line of The Metamorphosis, thinks for a Beat, and decides it's "too good" (ie, not bad enough).
The original movie
"I assume you are making those cartoon noises to attract my attention. Am I correct in my assuming, you fish-faced enemy of the people?" (Leo looks down sadly) Aww, I hurt your feelings. (Leo nods) GOOD!"
"Ooh, I fell on my keys."
Leo exercises his right to refer to his client by his first name.
Max: Well, Leo, where shall we go for lunch?
Leo: Well, Max...I dunno, Max. What do you think, Max?
Max and Leo dine "al fresco" (read: a hot dog stand).
Max: Mmm, excellent! Please tender our compliments to the chef.
Max (giving the vendor a dollar): Of course, here you are, my good man!
Vendor: I'm not your good man. I happen to own this establishment.
Leo and Max visit Roger Debris the director. Max imitates Carman's effeminacy and Roger greets them in drag.
Roger: Ah, Messrs Bialystock and Bloom, I presume? Forgive the pun! (laughs)
Max:(laughs)
Leo:(to Max) What pun?
Max: Shut up, he thinks he's witty.
Poor Leo really is at sea:
Roger: I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia. But I think I look more like Tugboat Annie. What do think, Mr Bloom?
(Leo turns to Max for help, Max just looks away, letting Leo know he's on his own here)
Leo:(beat) Where do you keep your wallet?
Then Roger flirts with Leo:
Roger: Didn't we meet on a summer cruise?
The Hitler ad calls for actors with no experience. Cut to a chaotic cluttered mess of auditioners in small moustaches, screaming "heil Hitler." There's even a random swimsuit model showing off his body.
"Will the dancing Hitlers please wait in the wings! We're only seeing SINGING Hitlers!" (Dancing Hitler potentials groan disappointedly, walking offstage. Two Hitlers skip and twirl offstage.)
The auditioner in the cowboy outfit coming near the end of his song, only to be rejected by Roger. He almost walks off stage, but instead sings the last two notes of his song, and gives his audience the finger.
Roger not letting one guy get out a single word of "The Little Wooden Boy."
The short stoic Prussian throwback:
Roger: What will you sing?
Prussian: "Have You Ever Heard the German Band?"
Roger: No.
Prussian:(visibly frustrated) Zat is the name of the song I am going to sing!
Followed immediately by the wonderful "Love Power" number with Dick Shawn as deranged hippie Lorenzo St Dubois. "THAT'S OUR HITLER!"
Roger: And what have you done, LSD?
LSD: Six months, but I'm on probation, man! I'm goin' straight!
Roger: I mean, what do you do?
LSD: Man, I can't do that here. That's what they put me away for!
Roger staring with absolute horror at LSD's audition. His secretary/boyfriend, Carmen Ghia, on the other hand, seems quite taken with LSD's pelvic thrusts.
"Darling, I lieb you, I lieb you. Now, lieb me alone."
L.S.D. as Hitler "mapping out his campaign":
Gonna crush Poland! And I'm gonna take over France! (scatting) Sieg heil! Sieg heil! Then I'm gonna take over Poland And then I'm-a gonna crush France! Oh, baby, don't you know, mama? Then I'm gonna cross that English channel, wow! And then I'm gonna kick them cats...in the pants! Pow, pow, pow, boom, boom, pow!
The actor playing Goering trying desperately to stay in character and not look nervous when LSD starts going off-book.
Liebkind attacking Bialystock and Bloom, who frantically dive for cover beneath the desk. If you listen closely before they dive beneath the desk, you can hear Bloom scream in a high-pitched voice.
They tell Ulla to offer him coffee to distract him while Leo hits him with a champagne bottle. Unfortunately Leibkind turns and catches him mid-swing:
Leo:(turns bottle) Champagne?
Liebkind:(sincerely) Thanks, I just ordered kaffe. (roars and attacks Leo)
One of the little old ladies Max woos gets distracted by a violin player, and Max resorts to pouring champagne down his pants to get him to stop.
Liebkind going bananas over Winston Churchill's humorous pronunciation of the word Nazis
Narziz, Narziz... it wasn't Noses, it was Nazis!
That whole rant is glorious.
'CHURCHILL!' With his cigars, and his brandy! And his ROTTEN painting, ROTTEN! Hitler, there was a painter. He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! TWO COATS!!
"You will shut up. You are the audience. I am the author. I outrank you!"
Leibkind knocking out the stagehand. "You vill please be unconscious." Whap!
Max melodramatically begs Leo to help him and not send him to prison, a-like so.
Max: Bloom, I'm drowning. Other men sail through life, Bialystock has struck a reef. Bloom, I'm going under. I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure. Bloom, I'm reaching out to you. Don't send me to prison... HEEELLP!"[Leo flinches because Max screamed that last line right in his ear!]
"You're an accountant, you're in a noble profession. The word 'count' is part of your title!"
Mel Brooks' account of how Dustin Hoffman informed him that he'd be doing The Graduate instead, coming to Brooks' apartment late at night and throwing pebbles at the window. His response: "You mean to tell me you're abandoning me to hang out in Hollywood for a month and make love to the love of my life? Good choice."
"If you shoot [the dynamite], it will get mad at us and blow us all up!"
Shortly before that: "Next time we produce a play, no author!"
After Franz determines whether the fuse is slow or quick... by lighting it ten feet from where they put the dynamite.
"I told you zis vas ze qvick fuse und zis is ze qvick fuse." (Beat) "ZE QVIVK FUSE!!"
Ulla "working" at her typewriter: she cautiously pecks at a single key, peers at the result, smiles in triumph, and takes a sip of champagne.
In the musical, Springtime for Hitler is presented directly to the theatre audience, so instead of the in-universe audience laughing when the Hitler actor starts being goofy, the real-life audience starts laughing when the main part of the show begins.
Jon Lovitz's Large Ham performance as the hard-ass CPA that Leo Bloom tells off.
CPA: Bloom! Where the hell have you been? You are six minutes late. This is an accounting firm, not a country club. You can't come and go as you please! Bloom: Yes, Mr. Marks. CPA: Remember, you're a nobody. A PA. A public accountant. And I am a CPA: A certified public accountant, a rank a miserable little worm like yourself could never hope to achieve. Bloom: Yes, Mr. Marks. Thank you for speaking to me. CPA: You're welcome. (to everyone else) What are you all gawking at? You never saw a person humiliated before? Now get back to work, all of you!
And later: "Do I smell the revolting stench of self-esteem?!"
The "Keep It Gay" number in the 2005 film deserves honorable mention. Especially with the appearances of a Manly Gay set designer, a Camp Gay costume designer, a well-hung choreographer, and a Butch Lesbian lighting designer.
One of Franz's pigeons gives the "Heil Hitler" salute!
In a deleted scene, Franz sings "Der Guten Tag Hop Clop" Reprise and all the pigeons go "Heil Hitler"!
Franz Liebkind: [making Max and Leo take the Siegfried Oath] All right. First you will raise your right forefingers, und repeat after me. (they do) Franz Liebkind:I solemnly svear... Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: (holding up their forefingers) I solemnly svear... Franz Liebkind: To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas... Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas... Franz Liebkind: Und! Max Bialystock: (switching to his Middle Finger) Und! Leo Bloom: (switching to his Middle Finger) Und! Franz Liebkind: (wagging his finger) Never, never, never! Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock:(flipping Franz off) Never, never, never! (Franz turns around to look at them; Max and Leo switch back to their forefingers) (satisfied that everything is okay, Franz looks ahead; Max and Leo promptly switch to their middle fingers again) Franz Liebkind: Dishonor ze spirit und ze memory of Adolf Elizabeth Hitler. Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: Dishonor the spirit und ze... Elizabeth? Franz Liebkind: Jah. Dat vas his middle name. Not many people know zis, but der Fuhrer vas descended from a long line of English qveens. [long pause] Max Bialystock: Is that right? Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: (shrugging) Adolf ELIZABETH Hitler.
And later:
Roger DeBris [signing the contract]: "Roger ELIZABETHDeBris!"
[Stunned silence from Leo and Max.]
Franz's excitement at getting his play signed for production... Not long after denying his association to the Nazi party.
Franz: Broadway! Wait 'til they hear about this in Argentina!
Carmen Ghia: (answering the phone with a smile) Hello, the living room of renowned theatrical director Roger De Bris' elegant Upper East Side townhouse on a sunny Tuesday afternoon in June. Whom may I say is calling? (Beat as his face immediately becomes serious) Listen, you broken down old queen. He was drunk, he was hot, you got lucky! Don't ever call here again! (slams the phone down)
Roger De Bris: Who was that? Carmen Ghia: Wrong number!
Even funnier is Carmen's answer to the person calling is taken verbatim from the show's script.
Max and Leo come in still wearing the swastika armbands they were forced to put on in order to butter up Franz, having forgotten they're wearing them. Carmen is clearly not impressed, and asks snidely, "May I take your hat, your coat and your swastikas?" Cue the looks of absolute horror as the pair tear the armbands off and, in some productions, spit on them.
Max telling Leo that Roger "couldn't direct you to the bathroom."
"And now I'll be on me way, before me voice gets any higher!"
After Ulla's "audition"/hiring as receptionist, Leo asks her what time she'll be available in the morning. Ulla proceeds to go through her morning routine, which ends with her claiming to like having sex at 11:00.
Most of the hilarity comes from Nathan Lane corpsing with that teakettle laugh of his, but there are some good lines too.
Old Lady: Give it to me... Oh, I've forgotten what you are. Well Hung. Sorry. [laughter] Nathan Lane: (deadpan) Please, start that rumor.
The "back in the closet" bit where they get Gary Beach and Roger Bart to run back out and do it again... and again... and again...
And this:
Broderick: Give me those fat books, you fat walrus! Lane: Bite me! (Matthew cracks up) Never!
Lane kissing the Butch Lesbian lighting designer and getting punched out.
Will Ferrell goofing around with the pigeon animatronic puppets.
Nathan says the line "Smile and the world smiles with you. This man should be in a straightjacket" while he's sitting at his desk. He realizes this as he's saying the line, then pinches his brow and moans, "I'm doing the wrong fucking thing..."
After delivering his line to the bust:
Lane: What?! Don't argue with me! (slaps bust, then turns back) Feeling better? Broderick: Yes, I'm fine now, thank you. Lane: That makes three of us.
Just as they’re starting a scene, there’s an offscreen crash and Nathan reacts with a jaw drop. He then looks at the camera and says, “The crew’s drunk. The crew’s drunk. Drunk!”
Carmen and Roger walk in on Max and Leo fighting for the books in a manner which looks likesomething else:
Leo: Give it to me! Max: No! Leo: Give it to me! Max: No! Roger: Now that's what I call celebrating!
The "King of Old Broadway" number.
Max: How quickly they forget. I am Max Bialystock! The first producer ever to do summer stock in the winter! You've heard of Theatre in the Round? You're looking at the man who invented Theatre in the Square! Nobody had a good seat! I've spent my entire life in the theater. I was a protege of the great Boris Tomaschevski. Yes. He taught me everything I know. I'll never forget, he turned to me on his deathbed and said, "Maxella, alle menschen muss zu machen, jeden tug a gentzen kachen!"
Nun: What does that mean?
Max: Who knows? I don't speak Yiddish. Strangely enough, neither did he. But in my heart I knew what he was saying. He was saying, when you're down and out, and everybody thinks you're finished, that's the time to stand up on your two feet and shout, "Who do you have to fuck to get a break in this town?!"
"You made a fool of Hitler!" "He didn't need our help!" What really sells it is the way Roger and Carmen give each other this look of absolute glee before saying it, thrilled by being set up for such a perfect punchline.
Shortly after, Franz chases Roger and Carmen with his gun, and the latter two run to a closet in Max Bialystock's office, leading to this Double Entendre:
Max summing up the entire show thus far in the middle of "Betrayed":
Step two, hire the director. Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it two three kick turn turn turn kick turn. Ulla. Ooh-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah. Step three, raise the money. Along came Bialy. Intermission! [sits down in silence for several beats]
Some performances will have Max doing some kind of business during the "Intermission" part: he'll flip through the program and note, "Oh, he's good. He's no Nathan, but he's good," or he'll start munching on candy. Other times it'll be something more regional.
In one showing, it was in a college town and the theater was rather empty due to a pivotal football game on the same day. During the "intermission", Max turned to the audience and said, "In case any of you were wondering, the score is 19 to 22."
In another showing, it was an open-air theatre with a concessions stand right next to the stage. Max actually gets up and buys popcorn from the stand.
"He's having a stroke." "What?!" "OF GENIUS!"
"I only followed orders! I had nothing to do with the war! I didn't even know there was a war on! We lived at the back, near Switzerland. All we heard was yodelling... yodel le he hoo! Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo, Yodelay, Yodelay, Yodel- WHO ARE YOU?!"
From the original film, Liebkind starts to sing "Deutschland Uber Allies" after learning that his play will be brought to the Broadway stage, leading to this exchange:
Bloom: Please, Mr. Liebkind! (whispers) People can hear. Liebkind(freezes in horror, begins singing awkwardly): I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy!
That moment at the start of "When You Got It, Flaunt It" where Max almost realizes that he's the "crazy man" Ulla was talking about, and tries to ask Leo about it.
Max has a flashback in jail, but he quickly realizes something...
Max: Wait a minute... my name's not Alvin. That's not my life. Someone else's life is flashing before my eyes! What the hell is that about?! I'm not a hillbilly - I grew up in the Bronx!
In the 2005 remake, there's a brief shot of Nathan Lane playing Alvin's mother, meaning this is the thirdmovie where he dresses in drag (and only the second where he doesn't do the hula).
Remember when Ulla dance?
Yeah!
ULLA DANCE AGAIN!
Max: I want you to know, my dear, that even though we are sitting down, we are giving you a standing ovation.
"I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it, that's not me! I'm a loser! I'm a coward! I'm a chicken, can't you see?! ... I can't do it! I can't do it! You see Rio, I see jail! ... I cannot, cannot, cannot, 'cause I know it's going to fail!"
Max's reaction to Leo wondering what this volcano-esque feeling inside him is after seeing Ulla dance:
"It's called an erection. Well, it's either that or malaria. Don't worry, they've got pills for everything these days."
In some performances, Max replies, "I don't know, but I don't wanna be around when it erupts."
After Springtime becomes a hit, Max and Leo, despaired beyond reconciliation, sing "Where Did We Go Right", where they try to figure out why, for the life of them, their scheme failed.
Max:They shouted 'hooray' for that sausage on display Where did we go right? Leo:Our leading man was so gay, he nearly flew away Where did we go right?
Earlier during the song, Leo is reading newspaper reviews for Springtime, and he stumbles upon this hilarious praise of the show:
Leo: Christmas came early to Broadway this season, and guess who they stuffed in our stocking? Adolf Hitler.
Near the end, Max swears that they could not fail in their scheme because, as he and Leo put it, "half the audience were Jews!" Oh, and even funnier? Usually, as they sing the line, Max and Leo's actors turn to face the audience in front of them.
Donald Dinsmore auditions for Hitler by singing "The Little Wooden Boy". But he's not able to get to the song because the directors shout "NEXT!" after only a few bars. The startled reaction on Dinsmore is just perfect.
Jason Green auditions:
Roger: Well Jason, what have you been up to lately? Jason: For the last sixteen years, I've been touring with "No No Nietzsche". Roger: You played "Nietzsche"? Jason: No no.
Max's delivery of the line "You keep saying that, but you don't say how" in a way that sounds flirtatious after Leo tells him it is possible when he poses his "academic accounting theory" and Max tells him to go on.
During "That Face", when Leo and Ulla are behind the sofa, they wave out their legs, then pop up their heads a couple times, then Hold-Me-Touch-Me pops her head up. Cue the audience dissolving into laughter.
"Now Ulla belt." Words cannot describe how funny it is when the breathy sex kitten character suddenly starts making like Ethel Merman.
"Leo, why you go so far downstage right?"
"Gimme those books!" "Fat fat fatty!" "Gimme those books!" "Fat fat fatty!" "Books!" "Fat!" "Books!" "Fat! "Books!" "Fat!"
'Hold Me Touch Me' propositioning Max while he's on trial.
Max: I'm a little busy...
When he's going down the line of little old ladies and taking checks at the end of "Along Came Bialy", he takes a piece of paper from a young woman in a similar outfit with a cheerful "Thank you!"
Also, the choreography of the old ladies shuffling their walkers in unison.
And one of the lyrics in the song:
Max: They're my angels, I'm their devil, / And I keep those embers aglow / When I woos 'em, I can't lose 'em, / 'Cause I cast my spell and they start yellin', "Fire down below!"
Roger's line toward the end of the "Keep it Gay" number:
Roger: Wait a minute, this is a big decision. It will affect the entire course of my life. I shall have to think about it. (barely any pause) I'll do it!
When a frustrated Max is first trying to convince Leo to join him his the scam, he snaps "Don't you realize there's a lot more to you than there is to you?!". He then looks away in confusion and clearly mouths "What the fuck?", apparently not even understanding what he just said.
While casting, Carmen calls out a name flamboyantly: "Jacques Lapideux." Nobody answers. "Jacques Lapideux." (after getting the correct pronunciation, with disdain and no accent) "...Jack Lapidus."
earns extra points for adding the line "Who's my little accountant? Who's my little accountant? You are! Yes, you are! You're my little accountant!" And Max's "please, you're making me hysterical" face and exclaiming in a high-pitched voice, "Alright, alright! What can I do?! You're gettin' me hysterical!" before that.