The Nostalgia Critic 2015 Episodes / Funny

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The Matrix

The falling text at the start of all the reviews, which includes a Triforce, Pac-Man and a ghost, a Star Fleet emblem, card suits, a copyright icon, the figure from the Portal logo, a smiley face, assorted Japanese and other foreign characters, and the words "dated," "stupid," "bloated," "artsy," "heavy handed," and "pretentious."
The opening of the review has Critic and Chester A. Bum drinking and discussing about The Matrix. After Critic leaves to do his review, Chester takes a sip from his drink, only to realize it's his change cup.
Agent Schmuck calling Critic "Mr. Algiacritic".
Critic's comment that when Neo begins his training, they're in the world where 90% of all television ads take place. To add on to that scene, Morpheus accidentally shows him some footage of his "past life" when trying to reveal what Earth really looks like.
Critic's rant about how it's ridiculous that Agent Smith and the others are unable to detect Neo in the office hiding behind cubicles at a point when Neo is still plugged into the Matrix. Then, Agent Schmuck has the same exact problem with both tables and doors. Even Malcolm!Morpheus isn't in a rush because of this.
After hearing the villains call Neo "Thomas Anderson", Critic refers to Neo for the entirety of the review as just "Tom". Actually, he does that through all of the reviews. Talk about Never Live It Down!
When Trinity is trying to get Neo back in the car, and says "You know that road, you know exactly where it ends", the Constantine poster is in the centre of the frame.
Ever wonder what would happen if Trinity answered a wrong number in the opening scene?
Wrong Number: Have you found Jesus?
Critic (as Trinity): Oh shit. (truck crashes into phone booth)
Wrong Number: Meh, never mind. Sounds like you just did.
Critic commenting on Trinity's Dull Surprise acting.
Critic (as Trinity): — And that I literally have the same reaction throughout the entire film. No, really. You could impale me with metal wires and I'll still have the same face. But let's not tempt fate.
Critic having it explained to him over the commercial break as to how to escape from Agent Schmuck's pestering... but at the end, he didn't hear a thing, because Malcolmous and Tamara's Morpheus and Trinity's leather clothes squeak too loudly when they pace.
Critic: Stop!! Your clothes are too loud by every definition of the word!!
The continuous loop of Morpheus hitting his head on the toilet.
Critic makes fun of Morpheus yelling when he is attacking, especially the so-called "slow motion yell" which makes it look like he's singing opera. To emphasize the point, he uses the clip of Bugs Bunny as Leopold from "Long Haired Hare".
A Roadrunner "meep-meep" is dubbed in when Agent Smith is "killed" by the train.
Critic as Neo donning a pair of Cool Shades, while still wearing his regular glasses underneath them.
Critic says even though he doesn't like the movie, he does enjoy the spoon scene. But since he runs a comedy show, he still has to make a joke about it.
SPOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!
This exchange:
Cypher: I know what you're thinking. Actually I've been thinking that ever since I got here. (sighs) "Why, oh why didn't I take the blue pill?"
Critic (as Neo) Actually, I'm color blind and thought I was taking the blue pill. But hey, "when life gives you fucking lemons", right?
Scenes of the movie indulging in its favorite pastime: shell casing porn.
Critic: OH! If I could orgasm bullets, I would!
Critic, Tamity and Malcolmous parodying the end of the first movie with Critic flying at the screen... only to hit the lens.
Critic (as Neo): Ow! FUNKY BUTT LOVIN'-!

The Animatrix

"Seeing as The Matrix has stolen from most of Japan's anime, they thought they should steal back."
The throwaway line about his toaster being sentient.

The Matrix Reloaded

At the beginning of the review:
Critic: Will you get out of here?! The movie has enough filler as it is!
Malcolmous: Hmm, maybe telling the Critic that he's the messiah was a bad idea.
Tamity: He already thinks that of himself anyway.
A cameo from Michael Bay at the beginning in response to the opening explosion, in a way that almost sounds like they're referencing an Honest Trailer that said Bay was the one person most likely to masturbate to an explosion:
Critic (as Michael Bay): Ohhhhhhhh! Wachowskis, you just made me cum!
In the Burly Brawl, every single one of the Agent Smith clones says "ow" every time they get hit.
"But something Weaving this way comes, as conveyed by these dark crows who are so over-the-top menacing they should be carrying signs saying, "HE'S BAD!"." With said signs photoshopped in. Gets a Call-Back when Agent Schmucker comes in with the very same Menacing Stroll, and we're treated to the sight of doves flying around... while on fire screaming.
Critic: Ummm, nope!
While Critic says the freeway chase is pretty awesome, he's got one problem with it: how are they supposed to keep the illusion of the Matrix a secret from bluepills? We cut to a newscaster explaining it away as "the wind".
The dubbed-in radio communications when Trinity attacks the rent-a-cops at the beginning of the movie.
After Morpheus gives a cliche Rousing Speech.
Critic (as Morpheus): TONIGHT, WE DINE IN OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY!!
The "translation" running gag, where conversations of exposition are shortened down to things like "I like talking." "We know." Which fails on him when he reaches The Architect.
Critic's suggestion that all of the Agent Smiths turn into a giant monster.
Kaiju Smith: Waka Waka, Mr. Anderson.
As the Agent Smiths leave:
Agent Smith 1: Why couldn't he do that before?
Agent Smith 2: Yeah, it could have saved us six minutes.
Agent Smith 3: Well, I'm off to look silly in Lord of the Rings.
Agent Smith 4: I'm off to look silly in Cloud Atlas.
Agent Smith 5: I'm off to look silly in Captain America.
Agent Smith 6: I'm off to look silly in V for Vendetta.
Agent Smith 7: And I'm off to sound silly in Transformers.
Previous Four Agent Smiths: Sellout!
Malcolm!Morpheus and Tamara!Trinity locate the path of knowledge, which happens to start in the kitchen fridge. When Critic opens the door, he's greeted with a ZUUL, MOTHERFUCKER! ZUUUUUUL!!!
"You know, that doesn't seem right."
Agent Shmuck has renamed himself Shmucker because his character is so clichéd "there is literally a schmucker born every minute" while copies stand up behind him. When Critic says "Wow, you're good!", he replies with "Well, of course, with a name like Shmucker, I have to be good."
After the scene where Neo decides to save Trinity instead of humanity, we get a skit where Jesus apologetically explains that everybody is going to die because he had to choose between mankind and something else he couldn't let go:
Jesus: Hello, my followers. Just a quick heads-up: you're all going to die and it's 100% my fault. (gasp) But I just wanted to give you a quick glimpse of what you're all getting killed off for: DAT ASS. [He points to his left and a picture of a leather-clad female butt is shown] Look at DAT ASS! Now I can get whipped, beaten, thrown up on a cross, but if you were to ask me to give up DAT ASS? DAT ASS is gonna win. But hey, that's Messiah's word, am I right? Hehehe. Hope you're not all too pissed, and have a nice death! Jeez out! [BOO!]
Critic's confusion at the scene where the Merovingian is discussing the chocolate cake he delivered to one of his restaurant patrons, to the point where he believes the movie is fetishizing chocolate cake. As the audience is treated to the so-called cakegasm (that we see being visualized as a fireball within the green Matrix code), a waiter asks if they would like to order. Almost immediately:
Critic!Neo, Trinity, and Morpheus: I'll have the cake!
The Strangled by the Red String moment by Tamity suddenly declaring her love for the Critic, much like how Neo and Trinity suddenly gained a romantic chemistry. Then Critic's reaction to finding out he wasn't the first one.
Tamity: I am madly in love with you.
Critic: Where the fuck did that come from?!
Malcolmous: Come on Tamity, that's like the fifth messiah you've had the hots for.
Critic: I'm number five?
The Reveal that Black Willy Wonka is the architect behind the Matrix movies. Said surprise guest casually says he caramelizes people who disagree his views in his room, among other things. Critic does a double take about this and then just rolls with it.
Black Willy Wonka tells Nostalgia Critic to not trust anyone. When he remembers this when facing Malcolm!Morpheus and Tamara Trinity again, they start sipping coffee from mugs with "You can trust us" and "Really" written on them.

The Matrix Revolutions

Critic saying Oracle Smith's Evil Laugh convinces him that he was replaced with a Hugo Weaving-style Muppet. Cue the Muppets singing with Agent Smith's face photoshopped over them.
From the same scene as above, Critic laughing at Agent Smith's "Cookies need love like everything does" and dubs it into several of Hugo Weaving's other film roles like Elrond, V and Megatron.
Since one of the cast members was Bruce Spence of Mad Max fame, Critic manages to make a "beyond Thunderdome" joke.
The Sentinels are heard shouting "MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!" as they swarm Zion.
The scene where Schmuck reproduces Smith's goofy Evil Laugh, and Malcolmus and Tamity join in as well.
Schmuck: Silence. Only I make the Meme Worthy Laugh.
Critic's reaction to Neo's death scene and the accompanying religious symbolism by singing "Ave Maria" in a falsetto.
Critic: Aaaaaaave Keaaaaaanu!
Critic points out that Neo's final meeting with the Oracle plays like a Buttons and Mindy episode. To prove it, he dubs Mindy's "why?" over Neo, and plays it until the Oracle says, "You're a bastard".
"ATTENTION, ZION! DO NOT FEAR! THIS IS ONLY A DRILL! (Hehehe, it's a little Machine humor there. Hehehe. But seriously, you are all going to die.)"
Critic imagining Deus Ex Machina as Andross. Earlier, he called it the "Time Baby".
Critic suggests a simpler way to end the conflict:
Antivirus Neo: Hello, I am Antivirus Neo. You have Smith Malware. To delete it, press "whoa" for yes, or "bogus" for no.
(click)
Antivirus Neo: You have selected "whoa". It will result in all my boring characteristics being permanently deleted.
(frantic clicking)
Antivirus Neo: You have selected "whoa" thirty-seven times. Harsh.
During the initial invasion of Zion:
Critic: So I hope you like people shooting upward and shouting "AAH!", because there's exactly twenty minutes of it you get to watch. Yep, twenty minutes of this and all of its visual wonder. Just look at all the palettes of color that they have on display: light gray, dark gray, vomit gray, snot gray, stone-reflecting-off-of-dim-fireplace gray. And all of it accompanied by flashing lights so constant that even a rave in a haunted house would get bored by it.
- "And to think, this is all because our beloved messiah said, 'Fuck it. I wanna get laid more! You all can get axed off by Cthulhu sperm while I run away, taking one of your ships that's essential to your survival.' Best. Messiah. Ever!"
The scene where Trinity dies:
- When she is calmly talking to Neo, Critic points out that she shouldn't be talking like that while impaled by wires.
  Critic: Uh, I don't think she'd be quite so calm of coherent with those metal cords sticking out of her body. My guess is her dialog would be a mix of "gargling blood" and "aghrgrhfrbrrrr"
- Then:
  Neo: Trinity... You can't die...
  Critic (as Neo): No, really. You can't die. You don't have the acting ability to do so.
The total randomness of The Strangers from Dark City turning out to be the bad guys is pretty funny, especially if you know the plot of the film and the history it and The Matrix share. In the same vein, referencing the climax of the aforementioned film by having Chester of all people in the role of Dr. Schreber is pretty hilarious.
The stinger where the Schmucks are left standing in the room before one gets the idea to play "I Spy".
Schmuck 1: I spy with my little eye, something that begins with an M.
Other Schmucks: Me.

Did Tom And Jerry Kill Themselves?

At the end, after seeing that the Fifty Shades of Grey movie is poised to be a financial success, a dejected Critic sits down on the train tracks next to Tom.
A bit of a meta one, but it's kind of funny how Critic used a post by a guy with a Nope.avi avatar on the Minecraft forums as a source of information on the topic.

Mamma Mia!

In the very beginning, the Critic's crew refuse to have anything to do with this review...
Rob: Mamma Mia?
Critic: Yeah?
Rob: You're really going to review Mamma Mia?
Critic: Yeah, so what?
Tamara: Nobody's gonna watch a fucking review of Mamma Mia!
Malcolm: Yeah, the reviews that get the most hits have superheroes, fart jokes, or Nicolas Cage.
Tamara: Yes, and that's all in the same video.
- ...so they just walk out on him (as they do, the Critic threatens to "buy and sell [them] like ABBA's dignity" if they don't come back), leaving him to review the movie alone.
  Malcolm: He should've done another Matrix Month.
  Tamara: Yeah, some people got so mad, they watched that three times.
  Rob: Why do they do that?
  Tamara: I don't know.
Action movies directed at men are described as "dick flicks" (one such example is Pacific Rim).
The Critic points out that one of the movie's chick flick clichés is its title being all glittery:
Critic: Oh, good, this is the cinematic version of those ten-year old stickers you get at grocery stores!
The Squeeing Sophie and her friends at the beginning are said to sound less like they're squeeing and more like they're "psychotically howling like sloppily castrated hyenas". In fact, their screams wouldn't be out of place at the end of a horror movie trailer. Cut to the inevitable fake trailer, with the screams overdubbed.
Announcer: Coming this fall...[squees dubbed in] ...The Squeeing Idiot Massacre. Rated EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Critic mentioning that Meryl Streep as Donna sounds like a drunk Wicked Witch of the West.
Critic (as the Witch): C'mon, I never drink and broom at the same time!
His mentioning of the "Ear-Bleedingly Loud Secret Handshakes" cliché.
Critic's reaction to the end of "Lay All Your Love on Me". It's hard to tell if he's laughing or crying.
Critic: What the hell am I watching right now?
- Made even better when the jump sounds from Super Mario Bros. are spliced in.
  Critic (as Sky): Guys, I could be wrong, but I think we look fucking ridiculous!
- Moral of the joke:
  Critic: I'm not a wedding expert or anything, but I'm just gonna take a wild guess that the day before a wedding, people aren't quite so carefree and happy-go-lucky. I think it's usually more of "My mom's causing drama, none of the dresses fit, and my uncle's threatening to punch anybody who takes his flask away". But if you think this is what the day before a wedding looks like, I want what you're puffing.
The Critic complains that with the negligible exception of Donna (Streep's character), all of the characters in the movie are underdeveloped, if they are developed at all: nothing is known about Sophie, and even less is known about her fiancé, who is hardly ever seen at all. As for the three dads, they are basically ripoffs of the fathers from Full House: Harry Bright (Colin Firth) likes everything in their place, Bill Anderson (Stellan Skarsgård) is more outgoing and goofy, and Sam Carmichael (Pierce Brosnan) is suave and cool.
Critic: You're so desperate, you're doing stereotypes of TGIF stereotypes?! Oh, fuck it! Just let me know when Robo-Urkel comes in.
"So the fathers are given, presumably, death by Snu Snu, as Sophie goes to — imagine — actually have a meaningful conversation with one of them. Look out! Humanity!"
The movie is so bad at connecting the ABBA songs to the plot that, even though he makes a strong effort not to, Critic is forced to say Moulin Rouge! did a better job. He immediately shames the movie by saying that he feels dirty for what he just said.
Critic: [Moulin Rouge] at least tried to tie in the songs to the story they were telling. This? This is tying it in as much as, say, a Six Flags musical stage show for your five-year-olds: it doesn't have to make sense, it just has to be happy and mindless while you catch your breath from the real entertainment.
(A shot of a Batman: The Ride coaster is shown)
Critic: Only here, THIS IS THE REAL ENTERTAINMENT!
Critic cringing every time Meryl Streep or Pierce Brosnan (or both) sings. About Streep...
"Just remember, folks, Streep is still nine voice lessons away from her Into the Woods style quality voice, so... just try to enjoy her awkward transition period."
- And about Brosnan...
  "Was ADR at a karaoke pub after twenty Guinnesses? You're making Gerard Butler sound like Idina Menzel!"
- This comes to a head in their final duet on the beach.
  Critic (as Brosnan): Let's do each other a favor; both fire our agents.
In one scene, Rosie tries to row a boat, but she ends up slipping and ultimately falling in the water, which the Critic thinks feels uncomfortably forced even by bad chick flick standards. As she falls in, the sound of a wah-wah trombone is added in.
Critic: (glowering) I refuse to shrug under protest that we are better as a species.
In response to Sky reacting angrily to Sophie for her deception, Sophie turns to her mother for support, prompting the Critic to speak on her behalf:
Critic (as Sophie): I want to sing a song about my emotions. I was thinking about "The Monster Mash"; it ties in about as much as any of the other songs do.
When Sophie confesses that, after all the trouble she went with, she doesn't care as to which of the three possible fathers is the real one, she tells Sky the wedding is on hold so they can see the world, prompting the Critic to speak again on her behalf:
Critic (as Sophie): To everyone who spent a fortune coming out here, my fiance's parents who spent a fortune on this wedding, and my mother who spent the other half of the fortune on this wedding, I offer you my sincerest (flips the double bird) fuck yous in the ass. Have a nice trip back.
"Movie, you're over. Shut the fuck up!"
- "This movie has more endings than Return of the King!"

The Haunted Mansion

After finding out that Terrance Stamp, aka General Zod is playing the butler in the movie, complete with the most ridiculous wavering voice possible. Critic asks Zod what he's been doing since then. After he admits that he did some projects he wasn't proud of, Critic assumes (by the way that he's dressed, in leather with his chest showing) that he's been doing porn, something which he rebuffs. When the director of his latest project (a porn film) and his costar walk by, he sheepishly admits that he is doing porn now mainly because of the ball zapping incident, because people were curious. When he gets ready for the shoot by unzipping his pants offscreen, his co-star screams.
Critic (as Zod): Well, I guess I should get used to that.
Critic makes fun of the daughter's underreaction to the blue ghostly ball in the mansion.
Critic: Dude, we're the iPhone generation. The only time we're ever actually shocked is when Facebook changes their layout. (checks iPhone) They did it again? My life is over.
Lampshading the obviousness of an "Inconceivable" joke when Wallace Shawn appears by asking the viewer to put their hand on the screen to give him a high five, then saying if you actually did it, he's worried about you.
The commercial for a live-action Gargoyles movie. Starring Kanye West as Goliath, Ellen DeGeneres as Elisa, and Kevin Costner as Xanatos.
Doug (as Xanatos): [with a deadpan voice] I am Xanax-tos.
Malcolm (as Goliath) and Tamara (as Elisa): XANATOS!
Doug (as Xanatos): I don't care. I didn't watch the show.
- Made funnier because Tamara!Ellen has a permanent smile on her face during the entire commercial.
- At the end of the commercial, Kanye interrupts the narrator.
  Kanye: I'm real happy for ya, and I'ma let ya finish, but Bonkers was the greatest cartoon of all time, and we deserve a movie featuring a toon and a cop!
  Narrator: WE HAVE TWO!
The mere mention of Eddie Murphy being cast in what Critic thought was going to be a possibly promising film based on a creative and beloved attraction gets an immediate RUINED stamped on it.
Critic finds that the scene with the singing busts ruined possibly the best part of the actual ride, and provides a skit where he, Rob, Jim, and Barney sing to a clearly annoyed Malcolm posing as Eddie Murphy, who shoots them out of frustration.
He also points out all the similarities between this movie and Ghost Dad. Needless to say, Critic isn't too happy to find ANY.

Why is Nothing Original Anymore?

Critic points out that literally almost every movie coming out this year is a sequel or remake.

Daredevil

"With Ben Affleck now being chosen as the new Dark Knight, you have to wonder if anybody gave consideration to having Ben Affleck playing a superhero in the pas- IT'S DAREDEVIL ISN'T IT!?"
Orlando dressing up as an amalgamation of the many angsty and downtrodden superheroes of the early 2000's. His superhero name? The Angst.
Critic inviting The Angst to sit down and review the movie with him. He declines, the reason being he has so many brooding roof poses that he has to do.
When Critic notices that one of the kids who bullies Matt is played by Robert Iler, he struggles to find a The Sopranos joke to make^noteIler played Tony Soprano's son AJ before settling on "So...that's why you were interrogated on Law & Order?" accompanied by a still from "Lucky Stiff," the episode where Iler guest-starred.
- In searching for said joke, he comes across a couple old friends, OF COURSE!!! and I WAS FROZEN TODAY!!!
- Before the attempted Soprano joke, we find out that Matt lives in Hell's Kitchen, leading to an obligatory Gordon Ramsay clip.
- And when the bullies arrive, his first opinion of how one-dimensional they are:
  Critic (as the Bullies): Yeah, that's right. We're such one-dimensional bullies we're actually gonna beat up a blind kid! We kind of have no souls. Next, we're gonna teach tap dancing to people in wheelchairs...also while beating them up! It's a thug thing, you wouldn't understand.
Critic stating his annoyance over how the blindness only made Matt much more efficient and how the disability did next to absolutely nothing.
When Matt's father is killed by Kingpin, we get this:
Critic (as Matt's Dad): Bruce... I mean Peter... I mean Simba... I mean— Oh, you know what to do with this.
Matt is revealed to sleep in a sensory deprivation tank:
Critic (as Vampire Daredevil): Blah! I am Count Affleckula! I have come to suck! And that's it.
- Before that, the shot holds onto the Virgin Mary on the church for a while. Thus, Mary tries to make a show to make this scene relevant, only to be relieved that the shot cuts to Affleck.
  Virgin Mary: Um, hi audience. Uh, the director has decided to hold on me for a bit. So, um... it's the Virgin Mary Show! (Puppets pop up) Duh-duh-duh-duh duh-duh-duh! Hey, what are you doing today? Oh I'm gonna learn about- (Fade back to Matt Murdock) Oh thank God! (the puppets leave the screen) That was getting totally awkward!
Critic mocking over how no one would know Daredevil's calling card would be there, in which we cut to a passenger getting rid of her cigarette and she reacts in horror at the sudden fire at her feet.
Tamara: Who the hell is DD?!
After Matt comes home from another day of fighting crime, we get this as he listens to a voicemail message:
Critic (as Matt): Ugh, fucking J-Lo. Will she ever get the message?
Critic expresses his annoyance over how Elektra and Matt fight in broad daylight because 1). The fight is brought on because Matt insisted on catching Elektra's name, which is essentially stalking, and 2). Elektra fighting Matt will get her shamed and prosecuted regardless of winning or losing all due to her taking on a blind guy.
- This of course is even funnier after the Netflix show did a similar scene in season 2 where Matt and Elektra fight as foreplay. Only there, they're breaking into Fogwell's Gym and already in a relationship by the time this happens.
NC makes fun of Elektra's full name, pointing out, "Yes, you should meet my other parents with obvious real names: Anastasia Steele and Harvey Manfredjensenden."
- For the rest of the review, Critic refers to her as "Electric Nachos".
The scene with the rapist Jose Quesada has Matt listen to the guy's heartbeat to see if he's lying, as opposed to the "so obviously lying tone he's so obviously lying with".
- And going after Quesada is even funnier. First, Quesada asks Matt in his Daredevil costume what he wants:
  Critic: Okay, I'll give you three guesses what he's going to answer that with: 1) Directions back to the Gay Pride Parade, 2) A Cosmopolitan, maybe with just a little bit more cranberry juice than usual, or 3) JUSTICE!
- Then his conclusion that the word "JUSTICE!" is the right response word for any question asked on a superhero:
  Critic: How are you? "Justice." What are you eating? "Justice." How do I get to your house? "Oh just take a right off Michigan Avenue off the corner of Wabash and JUSTICE!"
Critic dubbing over Matt's confession scene with Father Everett with references to Ben Affleck's career.
Matt: Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
Critic (as Matt): For I am making Daredevil.
Critic (as the Priest): Your penance is ten years of obscurity. Do one Argo, one Gone Girl, and maybe one day, you will be Batman.
Critic's annoyance over the "I'm not the bad guy" scene and over how broody most early 2000's superheroes are.
Critic (as Daredevil): Why is it just because I dress like the devil, everyone assumes I'm the bad guy?
Tamara as Angstine and the Critic expressing his annoyance over how women taking self-defense is seen as a rarity rather than an everyday thing.
We have this bit just before the commercial break:
The Angst: Very well. Angstine, we draw closer to the third act. You know what that means.
Angstine: Sexy cry?
The Angst: Sexy cry.
(both Angst and Angstine stand back to back and face the camera as a tear rolls down their eyes and sad music plays)
The Angst: I'm so tortured.
Angstine: Don't ever be heroes, kids.
Elektra and Matt kissing in the rain.
Critic (as Matt): Wow, I'm sure this is the first time a superhero who wears all red is kissing his girlfriend in the rain. But we'll be remembered better for it!
- And once again, this moment was made funnier after the Netflix show did a rain kiss of its own, only there, Matt is kissing Karen Page.
- Who was the poor schmuck that got robbed while Matt and Elektra were making out?
  Critic: Yeah, don't worry about it. I'm sure it was nobody important who was getting hijacked (cut to Peter cradling and crying over a dying Uncle Ben) ... oh.
  Peter Parker: Uncle Ben?
  Critic: I'm sure things will turn out fine. Anyway...
"Oh, yeah, quick sidenote: Early 2000's editing seemed to really like the style that somebody's buttcheeks sat on the fast forward button and then got up just before the scene starts. This is one of the few additions I actually miss from early 2000s films because as you can tell, it gets the movie over faster."
This bit when Matt meets Elektra at the party:
Critic (as Matt): I really wanna see you again. What do you say we pull the fire alarm and set the sprinklers off?
Critic enjoying Colin Farrell's performance as Bullseye and just how his villainy is just so over-the-top.
- Also Critic saying he wants to adopt him, and the copious amount of Irish references he makes about him for the review's St. Patrick's Day release.
Critic mocking Elektra's training sequence, questioning what a servant would do in response to watching Elektra attack sandbags dangling from the ceiling:
Critic (as Elektra's Butler): Madam, why do you want me to paint a cartoon devil on this one?
Critic (as Elektra): Because he's the one that killed my father!
Critic (as Elektra's Butler): Of course he is. Would you like to tour some of the local rubber rooms in the area, by any chance?
"So, Elektra attacks Daredevil outside the one weirdo who dries his laundry at night for some reason."
The Critic mocking Elektra's infamous "Liar!" line, saying that she could easily make someone crack with how convicted and not silly she says the line:
Critic: Yeah, I was just up all night watching Game of Thrones.
Elektra: Liar!
Critic: Okay, Walking Dead.
Elektra: Liar!
Critic: Alright, Bates Motel.
Elektra: Liar!
Critic: Alright, Parks and Recreation!
Elektra: Liar!
Critic: Alright, I was watching Downton Abbey! I just have to know what Maggie Smith thinks of turn-of-the-century social norms!
Elektra: Liar!
Critic: Oh, shut up!
Critic mocks Elektra for her incompetence:
Critic (as Elektra): Well, I can do that too— (Bullseye impales her hand) Oh wait, I forgot I suck.
- After she gets her ass kicked by Bullseye:
  Critic (as Elektra): You wouldn't be so hot if you were a sandbag!
- After getting stabbed:
  Critic (as Elektra): I don't get it, I did so good at fighting a blind guy and- oh now I'm putting the pieces together...
Kingpin insisting on taking Daredevil in a one-on-one fight.
Critic (as Kingpin): Yes, I have to go one on one, even though every other murder I've committed has always been done by the hands of others. In fact, I even had others kill Daredevil's father and only delivered the final punch. It's all about honor. A very, very, very inconsistent honor.
Doug dressing up as Target, a hilarious amalgamation of many over-the-top villain of many early 2000 superhero movies. Even more, Angstine mocks the Faux Action Girl trope and gets killed while trying to stop a gunshot with her head. It all culminates when The Angst cries out in mourning over Angstine's death and Target mugs for the camera.
Critic's annoyance over how the word "justice" is used aimlessly.
Critic: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
How does Critic stop the early 2000's superhero movie hero or villain? Sunlight.
Target: Aw hell, the bloody sun came up?
The Angst: We can't fight during the day, we only look cool at night!
Target: Well, I guess I'll see you in the sequel that will never happen.
Angstine: I'm getting a sequel?
Target: Nah, you're dead, it wouldn't make any sense. (Shoots Angstine while she's down) I'm Target! (Laughs maniacally.)
How does the review end? Angst jumps through the city looking awesome while a Post-grunge song from the early 2000s plays. Said song being a meta deconstruction of said genre.
Doug's attempt at Yarling.

The Plot to Frozen 2

From the leaked screenplay: the trolls hypnotising Maximus and Sven^* into thinking they're rock trolls and Elsa banishing Anna for being racist regarding Tiana, appointing Olaf as her new sister (before banishing him too for making an army of oddly yellow snowmen), and Arendelle becoming an underwater civilization, the remaining characters evolving into mermaids, and Kristoff becoming Elsa's sex slave. And the boat that Ariel goes through at the beginning of The Little Mermaid? Jack Sparrow's.
Critic: Try to figure out how that one works.
The end of the video, where Critic anticipates that people will call the video clickbait, and challenges his fans to have him review anything. Immediately, he sees a hand holding the Blu-Ray to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014). He thinks he'll have no trouble reviewing it, until he realizes that he has to review it with The Angry Video Game Nerd. The Nerd's goofy frown makes it even funnier. Also, Critic screaming and recoiling in horror when he sees who it is.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

The opening of the review is "Thirty Something Nerdy Critics" with Critic and Nerd recreating the original TMNT cartoon opening.
Santa Christ telling Critic and Nerd to rescue April O'Neil. When Critic questions that April has been kidnapped, Santa Christ asks "Is she right in front of you?" When the answer is "No", he responds with "Then she's been kidnapped".
The fake title card: "Episode related pun". Written by Overly Obsessed Fanboys.
The various mistakes in the Cartoon World, like Critic and Nerd swapping voices and wearing each other's glasses.
This remark:
Critic: To give Michael Bay's 13-year-old brain credit, he did find a way to get her [Megan Fox] somehow in a trampoline. I just can see him now saying...
Critic (as Bay) No, no!. It's supposed to be shot in slow-mo and in extreme close-ups! (the movie zooms up to Megan Fox's cleavage) God! It's like this director sees women as people or something!
The Nerd making a magical science-y gun that turns Krang into Dule Hill. Critic is amazed by it, saying it could change the world for the better, but the Nerd says to throw it away and never speak of it again.
April revealing she could have escaped at any time, but chose to stay because "it's a good story".
Every time Santa Christ finishes speaking, he ends his interventions with "The Christ has spoken".
Anytime Critic or Nerd presents an opinion that they know TMNT fans will hate, Critic puts up a picture of something that is bound to distract them by getting them even more riled up. Examples:
- Greedo Shot First (They like the fact that in this version of the story, April had worked with the turtles before they mutated, giving her some type of connection to them.)
- Kirk was revived by a tribble. (They think that Mr. Sachs would have made a better Shredder instead of the faceless Big Bad.)
Critic commenting that April "used to be Mara Wilson" when he sees her young self in her home movies.
Nerd gets irritated when he finds out that the Turtles learned their mastery of ninjutsu through a simple picture book. This is further made unrealistic when it's revealed the book was in Japanese. Knowing that the Turtles gained knowledge of the surface world by looking through the sewer grates, Critic wonders if they learned Japanese through hourly lessons on the Times Square Jumbotron.
Nerd: (while on the Jumbotron) Hey! The Japanese word for Good Afternoon is Konichiwa. If you're a turtle out there, I hope you got that! Nobody question this.
The Nerd and Critic swimming in the Dam.
Critic: (upon seeing the seaweeds) Oh, HELL NO!
Nerd: FUCK THAT NOISE!
April getting caught in an explosion and a rockslide. Both instances come and go with no acknowledgement.
Brentalfloss as Vanilla Ice.
A load of cameos from other Channel Awesome shows jamming out to the elevator scene before the final showdown.
"There's so much CG I thought I was watching somebody playing Soul Calibur".
Yippie-Cowa-Mothah-Fuckin-Hasta-La-Worst-Nightmare-Bunga BEE-YATCH!!!
Given the speed of how the fast the remains of the antenna were falling, and how long Raph's speech was near the end of the climax, Critic wonders if he was saying all that in a super-fast timeframe.
Near the end of the film, Critic and Nerd are perplexed that there wasn't a big explosion in a Michael Bay film for a while, only to be followed by one.
Nerd: Oh, there it is.
Critic: Movie felt naked for a second.
The Nerd and Critic giving a concert. "AND NOW. NINJA ROCKIN' TURTLES VS. Their Horrible Blue Screen"
Nerd: (flipping out in the middle of the song) FUCK THIS SHIT!!
Critic Kid: Mommy, can I fuck shit too?
Nerd: (lifting one finger with the turtle gloves) This isn't The Heart of Turtles!!
Critic Kid: Mommy, is he flicking us off or pointing up?
Nerd: (lifting one finger with the turtle gloves) POINTING UP YOURS!!
Critic Kid: Mommy!!
In the end, while agreeing that the film isn't the worst to come from the TMNT franchise (and even if it was, the franchise wouldn't be ruined or over because of it), they still emphasize on how bad it is. And then the Nerd has a Freak Out.
Nerd: IT'S SO FUCKING HORRIBLE! WHY'D YOU MAKE ME DO THIS?!

Demolition Man

"MEH-YAN!"
- When he first says it, Critic grabs a barbecued heart from offscreen and eats it with his hands.
- His listing of who was a "MEH-YAN!"
  Critic: Schwarzenegger: MEH-YAN! Ford: MEH-YAN! Weaver: Yeah, okay, MEH-YAN! Van Damme? Van MEH-YAN! Seagal- Aw, wait, nah, he was never really cool, but Willis? MUH-MUH-MUH-MEH-YAN!
After talking about the focus action films of the 80's were catered to "MEH-YAAAAN!!", he adds that sometimes, a smart film will slip past unnoticed by the radar. Then, we see the return of an old gag...
Critic: So, your friends would all be like...
Devil Boner: DEEEEEEVVVVIIILLL BBOOOONNNEEEERRRR!
Critic: Hey!
Devil Boner: You want to see a film about a man's emotional struggle to hold onto his humanity!?
Critic: What?
Devil Boner: ROBOCOP!!!
Critic: Oh yeah, I love RoboCop!
Devil Boner: You want to see if a person's identity is based on his environment or his inner soul?
Critic: Huh?
Devil Boner: TOTAL RECALL!!!
Critic: Oh yeah! Three breasts, I love that shit!
Devil Boner: You want to see Stallone!
Critic: Meh-Yan!
Devil Boner: Snipes!!
Critic: Meh-Yan!!
Devil Boner: GUNS!!!
Critic: MEH-YAN!!!
Devil Boner: Battle a Politically Correct Orwellian Universe where they sing "I'm an Oscar Mayer Weiner"!
Critic: Absolutely none of that goes together...
Devil Boner: DEMOLITION MAN!!!
In the opening scene of the movie, we see Los Angeles is a wretched hive, with the Hollywood Sign in flames:
Critic: Yep. I remember when 1996 looked like that. California was on fire, crime was everywhere, celebrities were fighting each other while dressed like jackasses—actually, what am I talking about? This was LA in 1996!
Critic is easily amused by Spartan yelling "PHOENIX!!!" He even points out that that it's awesome enough to be used to win a one-liner-off against Phoenix, and further finds that it makes him happy when a particular scene pisses him off. Also consistently interpreting a particularly botched utterance of it as "Penis!" and also making THAT a Running Gag.
Critic pointing out the absurdity of Spartan being convicted to a life sentence in stasis on the basis of the testimony of a murderous psychopath, complete with a mock courtroom scene where Critic as Spartan mumbles incoherently, before shooting a fly with his gun.
The first scene featuring Rob Schneider.
Erwin: Greetings and salutations, welcome to the emergency line of the San Angeles Police Department!
Critic (as Erwin): Which movie would you like me to ruin for you?
After witnessing the scene where Huxley, then Spartan, are assessed morality fines for swearing, Critic casually mentions that he opted to curtail his swears by implanting a chip that will electrocute his balls every time he does. After finding out that he can't say "Balls", he suddenly starts speaking in a high pitch. This becomes a small joke throughout the review.
After finding out that crime has been eliminated in the future, Critic says that part of the reason why is because people can legally murder one day a year. Because it just works!
Critic's Right Hand Appa Plushie.
This exchange:
Huxley: What are you doing?
Spartan: Breaking the law.
Rico: LAAAAAAAWWWWWWWW!!
Critic making multiple comparisons between the future "utopia" and Tumblr. When they arrive underground, he theories that if the over-world is Tumblr, then the under-world surely must be 4chan and when he listens to their complaints, he concludes that they're really dumb and that it's really no worse than modern LA.
During the scene where Dr. Cocteau tells Phoenix to kill Edgar Friendly, NC replies, "But he didn't say 'Would you kindly?'"

Top 11 Animaniacs Episodes

The credits parody the Animaniacs credits, complete with the WB water tower opening up to reveal a cameo from Kyle Hebert.
Christopher Walken... Just as random and as out of nowhere as on Animaniacs itself.

The Legend of Zorro

The intro doing a version of Zorro's theme song on how The Mask of Zorro was amazing yet the sequel is underwhelming.
The numerous callbacks to Zorro's theme song:
Zorry Zorry Zorry Zorry Zorry Zorry
Polo Polo Polo Polo Polo Polo
Deadbeat Deadbeat Deadbeat Deadbeat Deadbeat Deadbeat
"So, let's take a look at Hollywood's shitty ass... (cuts air with imaginary blade, forming a Z similar to the one in the movie) Z-quel"
How Zorro registered prior to voting.
The first onscreen appearance of Catherine Zeta-Jones. Critic (who has always had a crush on the beautiful actress) has to immediately start whipping his penis when it starts roaring like a lion. He then goes to continue the review... only to realize that whipping his own erection probably wasn't a very good idea.
The impression of Michael Emerson.
"May I interest you in a show about an island that was ruined by a writer's strike?"
Critic is flabbergasted as to why Zorro is playing poker in a tub with three other men when he had just been called out for duty the night before. His attempt at an explanation: "Quickly, Zorro! Three naked men in a hot tub are in need of a dealer!" (inserts Speedy Gonzales Arriba)
The scene where Joaquin has the ruler sword fight with his teacher and escapes from the classroom is so stupid and unreal in Critic's eyes, that he believes that it was actually a fantasy played out in the young boy's mind while he was getting disciplined.
This line:
"A kid, goddammit, a kid!"
The skit where Joker takes Alfred away from Batman to highlight the nonsensical choice to use Elena as a spy instead of Zorro. Especially the image of Alfred and Joker skipping off together.
The Devil's comeback to Zorro's line "So the Devil will know who sent you"
The Devil: I can handle my own paperwork.
"Feliz Navidad, assholes. I am Zorr-Ho Ho Ho!"
NC is flabbergasted at the goons not recognizing Zorro in his Paper-Thin Disguise in the nitroglycerine factory. This is followed by a skit where the evil goons are fooled by Zorro changing headgear in front of them, such as a crown, and they instantly regard him as king.
Heavily highlighting The Dragon's pathetic status, since he never accomplishes anything besides shooting hats, and doesn't even die by the heroes' hands.
The villain claims that America's weakness is people. Critic then provides as Freeze-Frame Bonus a Long List of America's problems:
Fast food, pride, dependence on phones, dick pics, porn, bad governments, corruption, Michael Bay movies, pollution, overtaxing, causing climate change, TMZ, YouTube comments, pretty much ANY comments online, watching TLC, still calling it TLC, bitching about nothing, white privilege, bad education, cat memes, any memes, Kryptonite (yes, we're actually allergic to that), chipmunk films, giving Kanye West work, high cholesterol, FOX News, MSNBC, Kim Kardashian, tabloid magazines, weird greeting cards, White Castle, obsessing over bad fashion, drugs, that creepy bald guy from those Six Flags commercials, snobby hipsters, crime, bad Zorro sequels.
After Zorro witnesses an explosion, the voice of God condemns the movie and orders them to stop.

Was That Real?: The Ewoks Cartoon

His admission that this cartoon was his introduction to Star Wars.
His amazement that Paul Dini of Batman: The Animated Series fame also wrote for this show.
Wicket: Mom... I took the Woklings to the Hut of Horrors instead of the Tumble-bunnies' show.
Critic: (Stunned Silence) Brilliant!
Subtly flipping off the camera as he mentions midichlorians.
Critic wondering if the Ewoks can use the Force, and if the Sun Star is so powerful, why they hadn't used it in Return of the Jedi to destroy the empire. Cue a shot of Princess Kneesa using the Sun Star, followed by live action footage of an Imperial satellite dish blowing up.
"The conflict of the show comes from various villains and... Grinch snot hair..."

Fantastic Four

Critic, Tamara, and Malcolm end up getting powers from a meteor. How do they use them? Sit around all day eating junk food and watching Netflix. Just like the movie.
- Also, the Critic calls himself Sparky Sparky Boom Man.
- And Malcolm's power is turning anything into a video game character. After creating Chun-Li, Critic points out Tamara and Malcolm creates Zangief for her.
- An added bonus is the trio watching Wilson Fisk behead one of the Russian brothers with a car door. The added bonus? Fisk sounds like Nicolas Cage.
This Hilarious in Hindsight bit:
Critic: I mean, granted, the new one hasn't come out yet, but... it's gonna suck.
Tamara: It really is.
Malcolm: Pretty much.
Critic can't hold his composure and laughs when he tries to explain the job that Sue Storm (played by Jessica Alba) has in the movie.
Critic complains about the fact that Reed Richards got his grant money for his space exploration from a guy whose last name was Von Doom, and sarcastically points out the obvious foreshadowing (the ominous statue, the fact that he's introduced in shadow and the fact that he stole Sue Storm out of Reed's arms) that he's going to be the villain of the film.
Critic: (as Richards) Oh excuse me, I was just riding in my Bowser's dungeon elevator, courtesy of the not criminal genius who stole my girlfriend. (as Critic) His name is DOOM!!!
Reed tells Sue her powers work on her emotions.
Critic: Wow, a person whose powers is tied to their emotion? I have never friggin' seen that. *shows pictures of Carrie, The Hulk, Matilda, Goku and Tetsuo*
The Running Gag of Sue Storm stripping.
Critic (as Sue): Oh God, I thought we were Marvel and not DC!
Critic getting fed up with the lack of crime-fighting in the movie.
Critic: Now, uh, there is, uh, supposed to be crime-fighting, uh, in this crime-fighting movie, right? Uh, hello? [knocks on the camera and breathes on it]
Critic believing that Johnny is really Loki disguised as Captain America. Later on, when Johnny crashes into a snow bank, he claims he was frozen for several years and thawed out later, and says that he's trying to tie them together.
After the obligatory Stan Lee cameo:
"Heh heh, I am so the Watcher."
The ending. Cthulu is attacking, and Rob has to pander to their selfishness to get them to fight. But then they beat Cthulu in an instant when Malcolm turns him into the head of Deng Xiaoping from Hong Kong '97. Rob gets so fed up that he goes to the meteor to get powers as well. His ability? Being really good at Hong Kong 97.

Was That Real?: C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa

When Critic questions how the Code of the West was formed, he wonders if it was a bit like the Declaration of Independence. However, he calls it "The Declaration of Moo-dependence" and we see a screen grab of a few of America's Founders with cattle heads photoshopped onto them.

The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl

The opening skit where Critic portrays Robert Rodriguez hastily putting together a last minute birthday gift for his son Racer (played by Tamara), which ends up being Sharkboy and Lavagirl. Furthermore, in order to get inspiration, he smokes a blunt, which he passes off to Racer as his Magic Paper Flute.
Critic discovering the actor who plays Sharkboy is the same one who plays Jacob Black. Cue a very happy reunion with his Big Book of Twilight Jokes.
Tamara and Malcolm's parody of 90s commercials, which gets so out of hand that neither of them know what they're supposed to be advertising anymore.
Linus-as-Minus' performance. Already funny in the movie (to the point of the Critic Corpsing as Minus swishes his cape dramatically), the Critic ends up acting out how he thinks Linus plays children's games.
Critic!Linus: (tapping his fingertips together) Oh yes. You may think you have won at Guess Who, but let me ask you this: does your person have brown haaiiir? Robert? (dramatic close up of his face).
Critic sympathizes with Sharkboy when he goes insane in the birdcage due to the music. However, when he tears the cage open, Critic wonders if he was listening to the "narwhals" song.
Critic is utterly horrified by some of the special effects in the movie, particularly the scene where Lavagirl turns into a pile of goo with her head, but it pales in comparison to Max giving Minus a brain fart (not that kind of brain fart, his head just inflates). This traumatizes him so much that he decides to call himself from 20 minutes ago to warn him, then later demand an apology note under his desk when he decides not to heed his own advice.
"Sorry"
— You
Critic describing the movie's 3D as "the YouTube Poop of 3D" with random bits of "FUCK YOU, WE'RE 3D!"
The "Gangsta Rap" lullaby.
- Later, Critic tries reading Max a bedtime story: Go the Fuck to Sleep.
"Look out! The film's just given up!"
Upon meeting the Ice Princess
Critic: (singing) Let it blooow, let it blooow, at least I don't have penis hair.
When Lavagirl asks Tobor what her purpose is in Drool because she's clueless, a butler hands Critic a comeback joke on a silver platter, which Critic applauds. The joke:
Critic: Ahem. NOT AS CLUELESS AS YOUR AGENT!!! HAHAHAHA!!! YOU'RE FUCKING 3D!! FUCKING 3D!!!
- Even better, the paper that the butler handed to him actually says, "Your joke, Dummy, don't blow it!"

Was That Real?: Small Wonder

Giving the title character glowing red eyes on the title card and at the end of the video
Mocking the opening credits, Critic flashes a big cheesy grin at the camera with a caption that reads, "Weirdo Turning His Head and Smiling at Nothing as Weirdo Turning His Head and Smiling at Nothing".
Pointing out that it lasted four seasons while better shows have had fewer. "What the fuck." Also pointing out that by the fourth season, the writers weren't trying anymore and ended up jumping the shark.
- To the point where at one point, a pun made by one of the characters was so bad, that the audience groaned in disgust over it... and they kept it in!

Jupiter Ascending

The opening, as Andy (Doug) and Lana Wachowski (Tamara) are trying to pitch the film to Warner Bros. (represented by Malcolm). However, Doug breaks character by wondering if it's alright to have a woman play a transgender woman, as it's the Internet and he wants to get it right, and it eventually devolves into a tangent of a tangent until finally a disclaimer apologizes and returns to a more focused skit. The disclaimer includes a line assuring people the only thing they discriminate against the Wachowskis for is the fact that they made Jupiter Ascending.
[exterior shot of the Warner Bros. office building in Burbank; cut to inside, as Andy (Doug) and Lana (Tamara) Wachowski sit down opposite a studio executive (Malcolm)]
Warner Bros. Exec: Ah, Wachowskis, so good to have you back at Warner Brothers.
Andy Wachowski: Well, what can I say, Lana and I have wanted to work with you guys again for a long time. [as Doug, breaks character] Wait, are-are-are we doing this right?
Malcolm: [also breaking character] What do you mean?
Doug: I mean Lana used to be Larry, so... should we get a man to play the part?
Tamara: [also breaking character] No, she's a woman now, so it makes sense.
Doug: But she used to be a man.
Tamara: Yeah, but we don't have any women who used to be men.
Malcolm: I think Jim used to be a woman but turned into a man.
Doug: Really??
Malcolm: I dunno, he said it when he was drunk. [shrugs]
Tamara: Would that really work, though, because he's a man now.
Doug: But he's a transsexual. Does it make more sense to have a woman who's not a transsexual [Malcolm looks thoughtful; Tamara looks perturbed] or a transsexual that's a transsexual the other way round?
Malcolm: [pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration] Look, I'm pretty sure it won't matter if we don't address it.
Doug: [scoffs] It's the Internet, that never works!
Tamara: Okay, we've all played different genders before, though, so clearly we don't have a problem with it. [Malcolm makes "She's got a point" gesture]
Doug: Yeah, but it's like the first real life transsexual we're representing, I just want to make sure I don't piss anybody off!
Malcolm: Oh, you mean like how because I'm black and because she's a woman we suddenly represent all blacks and all women.
Doug: Exactly!
Tamara: Whoa, who says that!?
Malcolm: [scoffs] Everybody says that!-
Tamara: Are you kidding me-
Doug: It's the Internet-
[Tamara, Malcolm, and Doug all begin talking over each other; the picture cuts to a black screen with "APOLOGIES" written in red over the following text]
Voiceover (Malcolm): We apologise for losing track of this sketch. We're going to assume that you just want to see a review of Jupiter Ascending. Please note that we do not discriminate against the Wachowskis for anything except that they made Jupiter Ascending. We now return to a hopefully more focused routine.
How the Wachowskis apparently got their money to make Jupiter Ascending despite being an epic Cliché Storm after they've soiled their names with complete bombs. They got Agent Schmuck to possess their producer.
Warner Bros. Exec: So, Wachowskis, what did you have in mind?
Andy Wachowski: Well, something big and expensive.
Exec: Big shock.
Lana Wachowski: You know Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.
Exec: Oh, that big, gigantic piece of—
Andy: Awesomeness!? We loved it too. That's why we want to do a film exactly like that.
Lana: Except we want to replace all the boring dialogue and exposition.
Exec: [interested] Ahhh.
Andy: With even more boring dialogue and exposition!
Exec: That sounds incredibly backwards.
Lana: Oh, but you know how all the characters took themselves too seriously?
Exec: Nobody liked that.
Andy: Making the story seem more important than it really is?
Exec: Amazingly unpopular.
Lana: When really, they're just a person who's bored with their lives who discovers that they're amazing!
Exec: I literally saw that on the Disney Channel.
Andy: That's our story!
Lana: Oh! And there's spaceships.
Exec: Been done.
Andy: Rocket boots.
Exec: Been done.
Lana: Huge computer-generated backgrounds.
Exec: Am I even in the room right now?
Andy: And so much backstory and made-up names that it'll feel more like homework than it will entertainment!
Exec: Okay. You clearly have a story that's twenty years behind [the Wachowskis grin and nod], is made of mostly boring dialogue [the Wachowskis look proud], rips off every sci-fi movie known to man [the Wachowskis nod eagerly], and you want millions of dollars from us after several critical and box-office failures.
Andy: Pretty much, yeah, yeah.
Lana: Definitely.
Exec: How the hell did you get money from us- [the Wachowskis snap their fingers in unison; the exec convulses and is replaced by Agent Schmuck]
Agent Schmuck: $170 million sound all right? [the Wachowskis nod approvingly] Good. [sneers]
Almost as funny as the dialogue is the whiteboard in the background of shots of Malcolm as the Warner Bros. executive. From a pie chart captioned "Pie chart of how much I want pie" (with segments labelled "A little", "A lot", "Really a lot", etc.) to a bar chart with the caption "Taller blocks mean taller earnings" to a sideways bar chart labelled "Sideways graph - like the other graph but sideways" and with arrows pointing to the two bars labelled "Arrows" to a graph with scaled axes labelled "Charts" and "Lines" and two dots labelled "Dot 1" and "Dot 2" to two text strings reading "Numbers: 5,601,231,594,304" and "Letters: AXBQLMZDHJXQ", it is one giant parade of visual gags.
In Critic's introductory spiel, he explains what defines an epic (identifiable, interesting characters who go on a challenging journey that changes who they are by the end of the story), represented by the posters from The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring and A New Hope and a publicity shot of Game of Thrones's Emilia Clarke as Daenerys Targaryen on the Iron Throne. The funny part comes when Critic declares, "Some do this well [promotional picture of the main heroes from Avatar: The Last Airbender], others not so much. [shot of the poster from The Last Airbender]"
To help deal with the Cliché Storm nature of the movie, Critic sets up a "Sidepot of Annoyance" in the lower-right of the video right off the bat. Any time the movie rips off another one, it appears there.
During Mila Kunis' opening narration:
Critic: Shut up, Meg.
The random cameo from Amanda Céline Miller after Critic criticizes Jupiter's name (as she's the current voice of Sailor Jupiter).
Jupiter: This is supposed to mean that I'm destined for great things. And that I will find the one true love of my life.
Critic: Nnnno, still sounds stupid. You could say that name means dinosaurs fighting sharks with laser nipples, it's still never gonna fly.
Amanda Céline Miller: (shrugs) I think it's a good name.
Critic: ... who are you?
Amanda: ... the voice actress for Sailor Jupiter.
Critic: (Beat) How random.
Amanda: (looks uncomfortable) Okay... (walks off)
Critic comparing Eddie Redmayne's acting in the film to the Godpigeon.
Godpigeon Balem: ????????
Critic (as Bobby): The Godpigeon says if you're gonna wear tight leather, you better expect laughs.
"Note to self: stop asking if stupid things will happen, because then stupid things will happen."
"Look out for the Joker!"
NC comments that the way in which Balem can go from soft-talking to shouting in a fingersnap makes him wonder if Balem sporadically screams on date night.
Critic!Balem: Hey, baby. What do you say we watch... Orange Is the New Black?! [Tamara is stunned and scared] What? WHAT?!
Critic accepts Chester's Fridge Logic that the Jupitereans are responsible for the parallel dimension in the Super Mario Bros. movie.
Critic: (dumbfounded by the "Your people killed the dinosaurs?" exchange) You know... give me a minute. Just give me a minute. (leaves frame) I'll be right back, just give me a minute.
Chester: (off-screen) Hey- what are you doing- Ow!-
Critic: (off-screen) C'mere- get in- get over there! (throws Chester into his chair) Now comment on the scene!
Chester: Why?
Critic: (off-screen) Because this movie is so high on itself, only a drug addict could respond to it! (Chester shrugs and looks at the screen)
Jupiter: Your people killed the dinosaurs?
Stinger: Technically, they're your people, Majesty.
Chester: (laughs) I bet they also created the parallel dimension in the Super Mario Bros. (1993) movie!
Critic: (off-screen) That'll do, get out of here! Piss off!
Chester: (shrugs) It makes sense... (gets up)
Critic: (off-screen) I said PISS OFF! (thud)
Chester: (off-screen) OW!
Critic: (sits down again and prepares to speak, then stops and looks thoughtful) Actually, it does kinda make sense...
Critic considers the name Jupiter Jones to be incredibly stupid, questioning why the Wachowskis would give their main character such a dumb name by mentioning that all humans have a "stupid alarm" in their heads to prevent them from giving people the idea for ridiculous character names. To prevent himself from saying Jupiter's name, he decides to call her Duck Dodgers, as it at least sounds less stupid.
Critic complains that the scene where Kalique is explaining how Jupiter is the reincarnation of her mother is like school, going so far as to fall asleep while she continues her exposition. Suddenly, the movie pauses, and Jupiter begins to scold Critic for not paying attention:
Jupiter: Mr. Critic?
Critic: (startled awake) Huh, what?
Jupiter: What did we just say?
Critic: Oh, um... government... um... space gargoyles... uh... live long and prosper?
Jupiter: See me after class.
Critic: (groans and drops head to table)
Critic berating the number of times Jupiter gets kidnapped in the movie, and proclaiming that Princess Peach, Mary Jane from Spiderman, April O'Neil, Princess Zelda, Lois Lane, and even Bella from Twilight are laughing at her at Damsel in Distress parties. How he leads into it is pretty funny too: he talks directly to Lana Wachowski, congratulating her for the bravery in taking on the sex-reassignment surgery... and then asks why she's still so bad at writing women.
His increasing fury with how the movie keeps on proving he's Tempting Fate, and especially when the Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness of the movie actually proves him right... when they start talking about eyebrows. Cue him playing a clip from Sideways where Miles begs Jack to shut up, which the movie actually heeds.
Why did Academy Award winner Eddie Redmayne pick such an incredibly bad role? Because he wanted to join the club of incredibly talented actors who gave at least one batshit crazy role, like Jeremy Irons in Dungeons and Dragons, Glenn Close in 101 Dalmatians, Frank Langella in Masters of the Universe, and Michael Sheen in Twilight.

Jurassic World

Why is NC breaking his rule of waiting for a film's home release before reviewing? To get back at Hollywood for their YouTube takedown notices on certain NC reviews. In fact, the review is handled in a different way entirely: by having Malcolm, Tamara, and other actors re-renact/lampoon key scenes from the movie rather than showing clips.
The reenactment of the pterodactyls attacking the people in the park does have some similarities to a certain low-low-budget thriller.
NC's utter hysteria over the characters from the film realizing the Indominus Rex (who looks like, moves like, acts like, sounds like and essentially is an oversized raptor) is part raptor.
Critic: No! No! Nonononono! No! No! Nononono! You can't be this stupid! You CANNOT! BE! THIS! STUPID! I mean... LOOK AT THAT DAMN THING! (shot of the I-Rex next to a Raptor) OF COURSE IT'S PART FUCKING RAPTOR! IT'S LIKE NINETY-PERCENT FUCKING' RAPTOR YOU GODDAMN MORON!
I'm a Muthafuckin' T-REX!!
Jon Bailey of Honest Trailers narrating the battle between the Raptor and the T-Rex.
- He even starts adding his own parts to the fight, like the T-Rex speaking with Optimus Prime's voice and a giant fire-breathing robot T-Rex interrupting the fight only for both the I-Rex and T-Rex to destroy it with their own fire breath.
  Critic: Okay, I know that didn't happen in the movie!
  Bailey: Who's got the cool voice?

Critic: Okay, sorry.

Just Critic's utter excitement/fan-boying over the entire scene.
- "IT'S THE MOTHER FUCKING TEEEEEE-REXXXXX!!!"

Critic is so happy that, in this sequel, at least the Muthafuckin' T-Rex ends up beating the crap out of the other dinosaur, rather than what happened in Jurassic Park 3, when the spinosaurus (called the Who-Cares-A-Saurus) killed her. He feels that not only does this redeem what happened in the previous film, that it's like the scene itself took those responsible for the last film, grabbed them by the ear and said...
Critic: C'mere. NO! (Starts punching the camera while scolding it) NO, THAT IS NOT HOW YOU DO A T-REX FIGHT, MOVIE. THAT IS NOT HOW YOU DO A T-REX FIGHT! THIS IS HOW YOU DO A T-REX FIGHT! THOSE ARE BAD, BAD IDIOTS! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!
When the characters go to chase dinosaurs in the wood, Critic reminds us there is an "evil scientific hybrid" on the loose. He then clarifies he is not talking about the I-Rex,, but the movie's human villain (played by Rob here), who he claims is an evil hybrid of John Malkovich, Vincent D'Onofrio and every over the top nineties villain ever;
Rob the Human Villain: I wanna weaponize these raptors, cause I'm the OBVIOUS BAD GUY. I adjust my belt buckle, ALL THE TIME.
Critic's giving an example of the kind of awesome hybrid they could make, which involves giving it lions for hands.
Tamara disgustedly refusing to do a similar reenactment of the same studio's film Fifty Shades of Grey, no matter how hopefully Critic and Malcolm stare at her.
- Then we hear a line from the book, as read by Optimus Prime.

Planet of the Apes (2001)

The incredibly harsh and hilarious Truthful Preview that starts off the episode. The Starring gag stands out as per usual.
Malcolm as "The Black Guy"
Tamara as "The Short Chick"
Rachel as "Rachel ~~Tietz~~ BEEEWWWWWBS"
Santa Christ as "Blasphemy"
Jim as "That Guy Who's Probably Funnier Than Everybody"
Bison!Critic as "MEMES"
The Angry Video Game Nerd as "Way Too Many Favors"
And Critic as "Dooo-Doo-Dooo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Dooo-Doo-Dooo-Doo-Doo"
- And then, Critic hears the theme song and shoots the screen.
The opening after that where Critic gets a ton of debris crashing onto him, where he finds a rocket stuck on his roof. He even gets knocked out and fantasizes about prancing through a happy Wonderland for a few seconds.
After promising Astronaut Tamara that he'd fill her in on the past 15 years, Critic starts the review... only for her to come in and call him out on just leaving in the middle of the conversation.
Astronaut Tamara: I shot your leg, like, four times.
Critic: So that's why I'm smoking.
- Followed up by his calling Malcolm to show the astronaut around and asking where Tamara is - Astronaut!Tamara and Malcolm non-verbally call him out on that.
When Leo gets a video message from two friends who've just gotten engaged:
Black Guy: When you gonna make that kind of commitment!
Critic: Ugh, Frank, I told you I'll marry you when I get back home! It's legal now!
Critic's racism when he discusses humanity's role on the Ape Planet. He doesn't know if they're supposed to be slaves or pets, and doesn't get what the commentary is about. When he tries to provide a similar example, he doesn't notice Malcolm happens to be behind him, and when he's finished with his offending spiel, he boops him on the nose. Malcolm responds by punching him in the face.
The scene of, ahem, "monkey business."
Critic: Wow, you look so sexy, Lisa.
- Even funnier when you realize the female ape, Nova, is played by Lisa Marie.
- The look of sheer horror on Critic's face throughout the entire scene. "SOMETHING INTERRUPT THIS!"
The campaign promotion for Thade/Terl 2016. Paid for by the Kinetic Need of Enforcing Effective Laws.
And Thade's Evil Is Hammy tendencies.
Critic: You know Thade... there's only so many Facebook profile pictures I can switch out of you and your hilarious faces. My Anger picture from Inside Out would like a turn.
Critic's reaction to the infamous Thade on the Lincoln Memorial Twist Ending.
Critic: (while raising his hand, then banging on the table) Uh—Movie? Mo–movie, hello? Movie? Movie? Movie? Movie?
Planet Of The Apes Movie Poster: (clearly annoyed) Yes, you?
Critic: HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN?
- He later rants on the fact that everything is exactly the way that Human Earth is, only with apes, but there's no indication as to how it could have been done, or how Thade would have known exactly how everything was placed. He then reenacts a possible conversation that Thade would have had with monkey architects while on his deathbed.
  Critic (as Thade): You know, I have some plans. (takes out a piece of paper and opens it up) Just some architectural designs that maybe you could put in place in the future 'cause, uh, I kinda came from a world ruled by humans. It's a long story, but I saw this world and... They were good designs; they were just really good designs, strong stuff, and if you could just duplicate that as best as possible, gah... Try to get it down, guys, like really to the letter, because if one of us humans from that society was to crash-land here and be like, "Oh my God, I'm home," and they see, like, my face on the Lincoln Memorial—you don't know who Lincoln is; he's a guy, but—he would see it and be like, "Oh my God, oh you damn dirty apes!" and just... His mind would be blown. So, if you could just really get that as close as humanly possible, I'd be very appreciative. So good luck with that and, um... (taps chest and gives peace sign) Thade out! (falls dead with mouth open in his chair as a high-pitched flatline beep is heard)
- Critic's theory as to how this reality possibly came to be? Monkey Love. He then brings up pictures of a human and a monkey, than a crossed out heart. With that, he says, "Don't do it."
Tamara's character reenacting the Planet of the Apes (1968) Twist Ending when she sees the poster of the live-action Jem film.
- Then Terl running out and saying it looks awesome and asking for a high five. He smacks Astronaut!Tamara's face when she leaves him hanging.
- Funnier when Spoony later mentions on Twitter that Terl was into the show because of The Misfits.

Osmosis Jones

The lead-in: Critic seems incredibly cheerful about his next review... Because at that point, it's of Inside Out, which he adores. Cut to his own emotions, who are approached by Jones to call the film a ripoff of his movie and cajole them into reviewing his movie, leaving Critic rather brain dead for a few minutes until they have him review it.
Much like the source material they were based on, Critic's emotions are very funny on their own.
The Critic's Joy: Alright, troop! He loved the movie!
The Critic's Fear: But he said it was like Herman's Head!!
The Critic's Disgust: Oh, please. Nobody even remembers that.
- Sadness confusing Osmosis Jones for Jupiter Jones.
  The Critic's Sadness: Oh, great, another Wachowski fanboy...
(Mimicking a radio sound effect) "Yes, Beetlejuice cartoon, we've found everything except your nose," (Shows still image of the cartoon Beetlejuice and the title character giving an overacting face that comes off as super creepy due to his lack of nose), "but we're sure it'll turn up in another awkward drawing."
When the chimp wrestles with Frank for an egg, making it look like they're dry humping:
Critic: What can I even say to this right now? Bill Murray is choking/possibly dry-humping a monkey! I never thought I'd have to repeat this from my Planet of the Apes review, but... (An image of a monkey and a man is shown, with a crossed out heart in the middle) Don't do it. Why is that such a common theme around here?
After Thrax's first line, "Careful, I'm contagious", Critic does an impression of Tim Curry for a second, "You're going to love my to-toc-toxic love!".
- The funny thing is, Tim Curry himself actually guest starred in the first episode of the animated tie-in, Ozzy & Drix.
The return of A FAMILY Picture when Thrax rather graphically kills a white blood cell. This is followed by the announcer saying, "That's gonna scare the shit out of me!"
After finding out that William Shatner plays the Mayor of Frank, Critic realizes that Shatner essentially made Bill Murray fat, unhealthy and unjustifiably self-congratulatory. He remarks that the jokes write themselves.
After a scene that's freakishly similar to Inside Out, Jones claims he smells a spin-off for the Inside Out emotions and another "Original Disney Classic". "Kimba the White Liar".
The Critic's Anger: That never went to court! We're mostly in the clear on that!
The cop cliché Drinking Game that Critic tries. It lasts 3 minutes, and he makes it to 7 shots before begging to stop. After hoping that he didn't permanently damage his brain in doing this, we zoom back into his mind where Jones and the emotions are floating in the liquor.
The Critic's Sadness: Are we in Gary Busey's head?
- Yet another cliché (the cop and partner bickering) pops up immediately afterward, but Critic balks at taking another shot when he hears five voices screaming a Big "NO!".
After a rather Nightmare Fuelish scene where Thrax messily murders another germ with his knife finger, Critic takes a moment to wonder exactly what it is about changing the color of blood that makes it not Gorn to the ratings board, even theorizing that Friday the 13th would be a G-movie if the blood had polka dots on it. With pictures.
The scene in the restaurant where Bill Murray is doing (another) gross thing. Since the logo seems to be a revived Palpatine disguised as a pirate...
Critic: Jeez! I wish Pirate Palpatine back there would use his Force powers to end this scene!
Pirate Palpatine: You want to shut the f**k up... You want to order some of my delicious shrimp... With TARTAR SAUCE!
The Kid Rock cameo gives Critic a "Dumb Attack" so bad that he needs to be snapped out of it by a ridiculous ad. After the ad break, he apologizes, saying "Boy, was that ad bad... unless it was a charity ad, in which case... here's where you send the hate mail." The e-mail address "Asshole@YouFuckingAsshole.com" flashes across the bottom of the screen.
Osmosis Jones and Drix are getting chewed out by the mayor after Thrax gets away:
Bernard: [enters with menu] Your Painful Buddy Cop Movie Tropes, sir.
Critic: Why thank you, garçon. [Reads the menu] Hm. I think I'll start with the, uh, "Cop Getting Fired" cliché...
Mayor of Frank: You're fired!
Critic: ... Followed by the "Nobody Believes Him When He's Telling the Truth" cliché...
Drix: Without Jones, Frank could've been in mortal danger.
Mayor: You'd love to prove that, wouldn't you, Mr. Drixenol?
Critic: ... And for dessert, how about the "Finding Out Something That Was Important It Turns Out Was All a Lie" cliché?
Mayor: You're nothing but a wannabe, a placebo, over-the-counter, useless tic-tac!
Bernard: Funny or Not Funny?
Critic: Not Funny.
Bernard: Any variations?
Critic: No variations whatsoever.
Bernard: Very good, sir.
Critc: Thank you, garçon. [Gives him back the menu]
Bernard: Garçon means boy. [He leaves as Critic stares for a beat]
Critic: Well, somebody saw the first five minutes of Pulp Fiction!
The movie sets up a scene that the music indicates is supposed to be emotional, but it falls flat due to Bill Murray's acting. Critic gets really hung up over the fact that he ate a cheeto (actually a circus peanut) near the end of it, and parodies it by acting out some lines from The Lion King scene where Simba's dad dies, while simultaneously stuffing his face with a mound of crackers.
"Leah discovers Thrax's plan to kill Frank and... Okay, is her dress shrinking or just afraid of the floor because that's her ass! No, but there's no way those lines can be mistaken for anything else! I don't know who on the animation staff wants to fuck a blood cell but even horny women from clubs are like: *cut to an image of a woman in a bikini* "Girl, you're wearing a strip of purple scotch tape right now."
Shane interacts with a couple girls from school who give her false eyelashes. Critic questions if the bus is the right place to be applying those. Cue sketch of him leaning forward imprecisely and saying "let me just get that in there" before getting disoriented by a bump and stabbing an eye out accidentally. "Um, it looked good on Senator Palpatine?"
This:
Ozzy: As long as it doesn't hit 108 degrees, or Frank's daughter's an orphan!
(cuts to Frank's daughter)
Critic as Shane: I wish I was an orphan.
The Chris Rock facsimile's last line "Hey, team me up with Anthony Hopkins again and we can do anything. (Gets flicked away)

Garfield: The Movie

The Coen Brothers' version of Garfield, with Steve Buscemi as Jon, among other things.
- Nermal as a wise, sage-like black man who gets shot by Garfield for no real reason.
- Odie as a druggie named O.D. who thinks he's a dog. Garfield also murders him for no real reason.
  Coen Garfield: I'm gonna kill you in a gruesome yet quirky way. (revs eggbeater)
  Coen Odie: No, Garfield! The audience will be emotionally confused!
- And all of this was an Overly Long Gag poking fun at Bill Murray's confusion regarding Joel Cohen vs. Joel Coen.
The portrayal of The Coen Brothers.
Critic points out how this Nermal looks nothing like the original.
Critic: Well, you got that he's a cat! Yay! Fucking well done! You looked at the back of a DVD box!
The decision to make Odie a real dog rather than a CGI character, or even a dog that closely resembles his breed makes no sense to Critic. He even calls out the movie on the fact that none of the characters have any close resemblance to their cartoon counterparts:
Critic: It'd be like totally changing characters around here. Right, Santa Christ?
[cut to Santa Christ, who has become a black man with the personality of a deep-voiced jerk]
"Santa Christ": Yeah, whatever, bitch. [gets angry at something] Oh, fuck you, ho! I got a rocketship AND a Harley!
Critic: He sure is acting strange, isn't he, Devil Boner?
[cut to Devil Boner, who is now a woman with the personality of a gun-toting Valley Girl]
"Devil Boner": Oh yeah, totally strange.
—>Critic: (confused) Devil Boner?
"Devil Boner": Oh, I'm definitely Devil Boner. You wouldn't call me Devil Boner if I wasn't Devil Boner, right?
Critic: Well, I guess I can't fault you on that logic. What do you think, Uncle Yo?
[cut to Uncle Yo, now a woman wearing a marker beard]
"Uncle Yo": EEEH, I don't really know what you mean! I'm still the high-pitched, New York Jew stereotype you've all grown to love! Ow! I've just stepped on my foot! Ow! Oh, that's really gonna ruin my day!
[The Critic stares, confused, before cheerfully turning to the camera]
Critic: Nope. You've seen exactly the same.
[meanwhile, the real Uncle Yo is watching the video on his laptop; he is angry]
Uncle Yo: THAT SON OF A BITCH! I knew I kept that gun from the Ponyo review for good reason! Time for a sudden crossover! [attempts to walk, but steps on his foot] Ow! Ow! Ow! I stepped on my foot! Ow! Oh, this is gonna ruin my day.
- Yo eventually shows up again, only to accidentally shoot at the roof and cause it to collapse in on him.
  Critic: Who the hell was that?
  "Uncle Yo": Beats me!
The constant jokes about Garfield's appearance. Critic apparently has 4 hard drives worth of jokes on it.
- Included in the review are Grumpy Cat if she was shit out by Chester Cheetah, the Sunkist Tumor, the Fanta Fungus, annoying orange Tribble I know isn't there, the Pumpkin Cancer, the Lorax's butt, QBert's nutsack, Charmander's pubic hair, Wilford Brimley's urine-stained mustache, Tony the Tiger's taint, Star Fox ass hair, the wet Oompa-Loompa armpit, Tigger's Colon, Starfire's moldy cooch, and Heathcliff vomit.
"So Tony the Tiger's Taint accidentally knocks over the world's most accident-prone room, leading to Jon putting him outside. Oh, wait. He puts the cat outside? That's really fucking dangerous."
Garfield: [as John puts him outside] You know me. I'm too lazy to try to destroy your house!
Critic (as Garfield): Yeah, I'm too lazy to destroy a house but not have several dance sequences!
Garfield: You can't keep me out of my own house like I'm some kind of animal! [Jon shuts the door, locking Garfield out]
Critic (as Garfield): Thanks for the lack of collar, by the way, in case I get lost. You're a seriously terrible owner.
Then after, Garfield starts to sing.
Critic: Oh, it's a musical now? Fuck you. (Fast forwards and skips the song)
When Odie and the Lorax's Butt are having a dance-off:
Critic: Yeah, have you ever wanted to entertain your baby while punishing him at the same time? Well just show Q*bert's Nut Sack dancing here and it'll give them nightmares for a week.
Critic's reaction to the original and awe-inspiring dance that Odie puts on at the dog show while the other dogs are chasing Wilford Brimley's Urine Stained Mustache, specifically, the announcer calling it "amazing":
Critic: Well, I guess it is kind of amazing! I mean, can science explain this? A dog on his hind legs? It-it just never happens!
[clip of announcer saying "This is amazing!"]
Critic: I mean, fuck the butt-ugly cat that can do karate moves, dance, and leap beyond any realm of reality! No, no! THIS dog is on his hind legs!!
- To prove a point, he dangles his keys, shows his fingernails, and points out air, and plays the clip of the excited crowd. This allows Critic to deduce that the town is high, and further determines that that's why Garfield can't stop eating lasagna.
- That joke alone is something of a Call-Back to a joke he made about Garfield in his Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue review from way back in 2007.
"He finds Odie, only to discover the owner is using an illegal collar to control him. And... [the camera zooms in on a door which has the Presidential seal]... also works for the President of the United States. Um... how does that work?"
Malcolm (as Barack Obama): We had to make a deal with Iran to get more electric collars. Now... some of you might see this as... uhhhh controversial... but... but Bo needs to stop wetting the bed.
Critic (as Odie): (barks, then Malcolm shocks him with the electric collar)
Malcolm (as Barack Obama): See? Pays for itself.
During the scene where Happy Chapman says he hates lasagna, Critic points out that that's the true reason why he's the villain, and how pointless the scene is because it is never brought up again. He then compares it to a scene from the first Ninja Turtles movie that he added his own dialogue to;
Critic (as Shredder): I hate pizza.
Turtles: Huh?
Critic (as Shredder): Just thought I'd let you know that.
Leonardo: Well, you act like a jerk sometimes!

Pixels

The song that started off the review, especially with Doug's surprisingly good Adam Sandler impression. It's not an easy thing to do.
Showing a promotional image of Sandler, who clearly has absolutely no enthusiasm, and claiming that even he's sick of himself.
Critic mentions that it's surprising that the movie-still-in-theaters isn't Fifty Shades of Grey, and Tamara is particularly relieved that she won't have to play Ana (a callback to her "No. Just… No" Reaction to the idea at the end of the Jurassic World review):
Critic: Well, ever since I did my clipless review of Jurassic World, a lot of people have been requesting me to do another recent movie. And surprisingly, it wasn't Fifty Shades of Grey.
Tamara: (off-screen) THANK GOD!
Critic: Hey, c'mon, ball gags are surprisingly comfortable!
Tamara: How would you know!?
Critic: ... Research.
Critic is shocked by Pixels being lower-scoring on Rotten Tomatoes than The Waterboy, That's My Boy and Little Nicky.
Critic: Jesus, it's worse than those?! That's like having Hitler and then finding out there was a Nega-Hitler! (two photos of Adolf Hitler appear, one with his shirt tinted a slightly darker shade of green than the other) A Hitler who did even worse things than Hitler! (a photo of Hitler wearing a shirt tinted blue appears; a clown nose and wig are superimposed on his head) And wasn't funny!
The return of the Elephant In The Room due to Pixels' similarity to an episode of Futurama (namely the "Raiders of the Lost Arcade" segment from the season 3 episode "Anthology of Interest II").
Critic: So, without further ado, let's take a look at Pi-
Elephant in the Room: (singing) Fu-tu-RAMA Futurama Futurama Futurama FUTURAMA Futurama Futurama-
Critic: (holds up his hand in a "Stop!" gesture) Yes!... let's first address what everybody's already talking about: how similar this concept is to an episode of Futurama.
The running gag that the movie is being created with an Adam Sandler app on Critic's cell phone. You might even say it's being phoned in.
Critic: And Adam Sandler movies are so the exact opposite of [having something new to say about an old idea] that there's actually an app for it now! (picks up smartphone)
Elephant in the Room: There is?
Critic: Oh, yeah! It's called the Appler Sandler! (Elephant walks over and looks over Critic's shoulder at the phone) His films are actually so easy to make now that you can literally phone them in! (taps on the screen) Uh, let's see, uh... Normal Voice Sandler or Annoying Voice Sandler?
Elephant: I'd rather rub my balls on a cheese grater than listen to his annoying voice-
Critic: Normal Voice it is! (taps screen) Uh, let's see, Bland Hot Girlfriend or Really Bland Hot Girlfriend?
Elephant: What's the difference?
Critic: One gets a crying scene.
Elephant: I guess that one.
Critic: You got it! (taps screen)
Elephant: Wait, what are those?
Critic: Oh, those are add-ons that come no matter what. Kevin James, suckered-in celebrities, pity cameos from SNL alumni... the only thing left to choose is Funny or Unfunny.
Elephant: Oh my God, I never knew we had a choice! Choose "Funny", man!
Critic: All right! (taps screen, only for the "Funny" icon to move away from his finger) Hey! (tries several times more, only for the "Funny" icon to keep moving away) What the-? C'mon!
Elephant: C'mon! Wha...?
Critic: Jesus Christ, why would you throw so much time, effort, and money into something if you're clearly not gonna make it funny!? You painfully obvious metaphor! (throws phone down in disgust; Elephant sighs and taps "Unfunny" with his trunk)
Critic finds the fact that Kevin James plays the President of the United States in this movie so stupid and unbelievable that for most of the review's reenactment of the movie, Malcolm plays Obama instead of James. Then, later in the review, he has to replace Obama with "President Paul Blart" because the concept of Obama fighting video game aliens would be "pretty cool".
Tamara's introduction as Sandler's obvious love interest character.
"I can't see us becoming a couple ever! EVAHR!"
Barney's impression of Brian Cox, down to the indecipherable rabbling. There's a feature on the Sandler app that puts in stock bully dialogue so that the audience can understand.
Brian Cox: (incomprehensible ranting)
Translation: (in monotone synthesised voice)^note You are a loser. And weird. You are different from us. Which makes, you bad. Your, marching to a different drum, will lead nowhere. Now get out of here. You puppy, eyed, dreamer. Before I hammer in some more, how, wrong, I am, and how beautiful, you are.
Josh Gad's character being portrayed as Olaf from Frozen. With an afro and square glasses.
As Critic explains that aliens misinterpret the footage of the arcade tournament as an act of war, an alien is superimposed over footage of Pac-Man accompanied by a speech bubble reading "We're kinda 'Shyamalan Alien' dumb."
Critic notes that "Sandler and Unfunny Pervert" instruct the soldiers on how to defeat the aliens because of their knowledge of 1980s arcade games. Under his narration, Critic!Adam Sandler and Olaf are standing in front of a rack of assorted guns giving a speech; Sandler points at the guns, and then mimes rapidly pressing buttons with both thumbs on an imaginary controller.
When Sandler defeats the first alien attack, Brian Cox' dialogue is re-visited:
Brian Cox: (dismissive incomprehensible blurt)
Translation: Most. Unorthodox.
Because Peter Dinklage is appearing in an Adam Sandler film, he must be Shyamalised. Cue Shyamal-Amon grabbing Jim (playing Dinklage's character) to perform the transformation on him... Before Critic explains that he must be Shyamalised in reverse. He tells a confused Shyamalan that where his own films take something not funny and make it funny (represented by an arrow from the words "NOT FUNNY" to "FUNNY" written on the palm of his right hand), Sandler films take something funny and make it not funny (represented by an arrow from the word "FUNNY" to "NOT FUNNY" on Shyamalan's left hand). So Shyamalan reverses his usual magic to siphon off Dinklage's comic timing and natural charisma.
The uncomfortable silence (intended for audience laughter) after Jim!Peter Dinklage says a bunch of crass words. It goes on for 23 seconds, while Jim looks pleased with himself and Critic, Malcolm, and Tamara look increasingly lost in the pause. Even Shyamalan is disgusted by it.
"Christ, this is too awkward even for me! AND I'M SHYAMALAN!"
The fact that Shyamalan has gone from an antagonist, to a nuisance, to just hanging out with Critic and helping him with the reenactment.
Critic!Adam Sandler telling Critic that there's a feature on the Sandler app that plays music so that the audience can tell what emotion they are supposed to feel. Apparently, it also works in real life as Critic plays each song and gets Sandler to act out most of the climax while in the room with Dinklage.
Critic pauses the Adam Sandler Music Pandering App:
Critic (as Adam Sandler): Huh, there's no music to tell us how to feel.
Jim (as Peter Dinklage): Does that mean you're actually gonna give me a funny line?
Critic (as Adam Sandler): Don't ever ask me that again, Dinklage.
The alien's message to earth that Dinklage cheated:
You Tom Brady-ed
All Your Base Are Belong to Us
Tamara's rant on Peter Dinklage's character entering a cheat code at the video game tournament at the beginning of the movie, and doing it again during the alien attack.
Tamara!Violet: Wait, can I take this one? (NC allows her to do so) Okay. (She finishes her drink, then turns to Jim!Eddie) Are you fucking kidding me? No, seriously, are you fucking kidding me? First of all, how did you enter a cheat code at a championship? Did none of the hundreds of people there see you enter it? Second of all, where did you enter it? Your fucking car? Did you have a control panel on your wheel? Or did you just honk fucking Morse code at them? Third of all, HOW THE FUCK DID YOU TELEPORT YOUR CAR!? This is real life! You can't teleport your car or enter cheat codes in real life! We all said yes to this script! We wanted our names on this! (Throughout this scene, Jim!Eddie and Critic!Sandler have been embarrassed) Could we just, like, uh, hug it out a bit? I just need to know that we're gonna survive all of this.
The Adam Sandler movie app has a game called "The Lazier the Writer, The Faster the Paycheck."
- The stuff the cartoon writer says:
  "The less I try, the closer my money gets to me!"
  "Less talking! I'm almost rewarded for my incredible gift!"
  "I did it! I half-assed what thousands of writers have tried years to do for a living! Yaaay!
This closing narration:
"And to preserve our comedic masterpiece, (a caption pops up saying) we're taking down every video on Vimeo that has the word "Pixels" in the title. (A headline from Cartoon Brew pops up saying "Sony Tried to Screw Indie Filmmakers Over Their Crappy Film, 'Pixels'") Yes, we really did that! We're kind of fucking insane! Oh, and while we're at it. (NC's review for Eight Crazy Nights has GONE stamped over it, before WE GET YOU hovers over the screen) We know what you want! We're so not behind the times!"

Smurfs

The fact that Critic has unintentionally kept Black Nerd hostage in his closet for the past 5 months, with Black Nerd expecting to play a part in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) review. Black Nerd apparently passed the time by doing videos where he reviewed and ate storage boxes.
- In order to prevent Black Nerd from pressing charges, Critic has him choose the film that he wants to review. After unsuccessfully trying to sucker him into Troll 2, he relents after Black Nerd mimics calling the cops.
- In the process, Critic gives an Offhand Backhand to Tamara when she insists on him reviewing Fantastic Four (2015), and another to Malcolm when he says it's not the first time the Critic had a black guy hostage.
- Black Nerd and Malcolm confusing each other for Urkel and Theo, respectively.
  Malcolm: Man, Urkel did not age well.
  Black Nerd: (off-screen) I heard that, Theo.
Tamara shouting "Black Nerd?" and Malcolm responding.
Malcolm: Yes?
Tamara: No, that one.
The lesson Critic gives on movement and how it is supposed to engage and entertain the audience. Black Nerd tries to say that it means nothing, but Critic shows him a video of him doing a review where the entire dialogue between Black Nerd and Chester A. Bum is done through jump cuts, something he admits that he does to save time. After cutting back to the two, Black Nerd breaks down and admits that he's a whore.
When talking about Smurfette not having any other traits than being The Smurfette Principle, Critic points out that she is surprised about Grace changing dresses and not by the fact that she is pregnant, leading to them questioning how Smurfs reproduce. Cut to Cinema Snob offering them a Smurfs Porn spoof (the cover of the DVD is just a white paper written on it), which both of them reject with horror.
Snob: Your loss! There's some mighty fine blue balls in here. I had to write on the cover 'cause you're not ready yet to see a Smurf get Smurf'd in the Smurf. Heheh. One of those "Smurf"s stands for "anus".
- Soon after, we get this exchange.
  Patrick: Stop! Come on, none of you find that song just the tiniest bit annoying?
  Grouchy: I find it annoying!
  (Black Nerd stifles a laugh)
  Critic: Did you just laugh at a Smurfs movie?
  Black Nerd: No.
  Critic: Did you just laugh at a Smurfs movie?!
  Black Nerd: No!
  Critic: Just remember, every time you laugh at a Smurfs' movie, God. Kills. A kitten! It's in the Bible!
  - Revelations 22:8: "If thou shall watcheth the Smurfs movie and laugheth, then I shall smite a kitten with every Smurf hating part of my being... and there is a LOT of Smurf hating parts in my being. Now, let's move on to why I've been so bipolar lately; I've been under a lot of stress. I mean TONS!" According to Critic, that's only on the hardcover edition.
Critic and Black Nerd proceed to show the audience exactly what it looks like to perform a rap in the corner.
Malcom: You look like you're being punished.
Critic and Black Nerd: WE ARE!!! (crying)
- Black Nerd's sobs eventually sound out the Smurfs' theme song.
The movie reminding the two of them of Blue Moon beer and blue crystal meth, then asking each other if they want to get drunk and high.
Their discussion of Papa Smurf's Senseless Sacrifice leads to this exchange.
Critic: Well then, it wouldn't feed into the "Papa sacrifice"-y talk they had earlier!
Black Nerd: That doesn't mean you get purposely caught for no reason.
Critic: (with Sentimental Music Cue playing) Doesn't it, Black Nerd? Doesn't it?
Black Nerd: No!
Critic: Well, the director of Beverly Hills Chihuahua says it does, so shut it!
Black Nerd: Have you seen Beverly Hills Chihuahua?
Critic: No, have you? (Black Nerd hangs his head in shame) You are part of the problem!
Their reaction to how wrong the original cartoon theme song redone as a war chant is. Especially since, at least for Black Nerd, the Smurfs come off acting like Klansmen.
Nostalgia Critic inquiring Black Nerd why Papa Smurf is afraid of onions.
This:
Wife: Of all the people in the world, those little creatures came to us. They chose us. Don't you see how absolutely amazing that is? This is a once in a lifetime thing, Patrick. This is our blue moon.
Kermit: Hmm, you know, it's amazing. You are 100% wrong. I mean, nothing you said has been right.
Pet Rock: The Movie, narrated by Jon Bailey. Followed by the Brick Joke — it comes out the same weekend as Mokey's Choice.
Black Nerd and Critic: Son of a—

Was That Real?: Hammerman

The cameo from the Angry Video Game Nerd.
Critic: Not utilizing an incredibly popular icon is like not utilizing an incredibly convenient cameo.
- And his second cameo at the end.
  Nerd: Do you wanna do a Let's Play crossover of Bart's Nightmare?
  Critic: Only if I get to wear my Melvin costume.
Critic mocking the overly-long rap theme with a rap about expired milk.
His remarks on the terrible animation.
When Hammer gives the moral about graffiti, he says that if you want to draw something, do it on paper, and someday, you might draw for a cartoon like Hammerman. Critic yells "Noooo!" and that drawing on Hammerman should be the punishment for graffiti.
Critic questions why Hammerman's backup singers don't actually help him fight crime at all, but instead just sing about whatever's happening around them (even if it doesn't even involve Hammerman). He ultimately theorizes that they live on the streets eating trash and waiting for something interesting to happen just so they can sing about it.

Mad Max: Fury Road

Everybody gets goofy spoof-names: Furiosa becomes "Curiosa". Immortan Joe becomes "Impractical Joe". The War Boys become "Fan Boys" (and Devil Boner's one of them). The Doof Warrior becomes "Weird-Ass Guitar Guy".
The role of the War Boys (here referred to as Fan Boys) and Immortan Joe (here referred to as Impractical Joe) being played by overzealous Fury Road fans who are mad at the Critic for not considering Fury Road as a masterpiece.
Devil Boner: What's this we heard about you hating Fury Road?!
Critic: I never said I hated it! I thought it was good!
Fanboys: (outraged) "GOOD"?!
Devil Boner: Don't you know that on the Internet it's the same as saying it's BAD?!
Critic: Well, I just thought it was short on story and not very practical!
(gasps of shock from the fanboys)
Our introduction to Curiosa is her picking something out of her teeth with her metal hand.
Everybody's reaction to Critic liking Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome the most out of the Mad Max films.
"WHAT A LOVELY GLAZE!"
After a while of listening to the Meninists complaining of how females ruin everything (even on why do female penguins hunt instead of the males), Devil Boner questions them.
Devil Boner: So... is this what you all guys do? You just sit around, complain how you hate hot women and you want to see more shirtless buff men?
Meninists: Men Yes!
Devil Boner: Are you guys gay?
(Awkward silence)
Devil Boner: I mean, it's fine if you are, but you clearly have some anger issues you need to address.
Meninist 1: Oh no, we're not "anti-gay"...
Meninist 2: We're very fair in our hatred.
Meninist 3: Yeah, it's just women we hate.
Meninists: Yeah!
Meninist 1: We have hundreds of years of advantage, and we're not giving it up now.
Meninists: Yeah!!
Meninist 3: Now let's go watch Pain & Gain. That's a straight movie.
Michael Bay: Oh, I made a commentary on that!
In a blink and you'll miss it, Devil Boner swings over to Impractical Joe's car on an "impractical swinging stick" while his riffle fires off rounds.
"You will walk the Red Carpet sugared and glazed."
"Grossly inadequate for the task at hand!"
Devil Boner having to hitch a ride with the meninists. Initially, he's happy that he gets to go along with a bunch of men who were big fans of Fury Road, with the exception of the women in it, but as he's driving with them, he begins to realize how annoying and whiny they are. This all results in a "The Reason You Suck" Speech, where Devil Boner tells them off for being so awful that he'd rather have a vagina.
Devil Boner: If you're the future of what "being a man" is, slap a fucking vagina on me! I'd much rather be a badass like her [Curiosa] than whiny little bitches like you! Hey, here's a thought! If you have to complain about how someone's stealing your manhood, chances are you never had your manhood to begin with! What, are you five?! You're afraid you're gonna get cooties?! And how's that working out for you, anyway? Are women just falling at your feet because you bitch and complain about them online? Real chick magnet, guys! You must get laid a lot! You know what? Keep living in your mama's basements, because the grown-ups are gonna make a more badass world, and we don't need your cry-baby tears pussing it up!
Curiosa: Are you single?
Devil Boner: I can be.
When Impractical Joe realizes he's out of Fan Boys to fling at Critic and Curiosa, his last shot is Weird-Ass Guitar Guy, who plays a chord along the lines of Uh-oh.
Two words: Dinosaur Missiles. Three more words: Shark-Shaped Explosions.^note
The Critic realizing that Fury Road is an R-rated Road Runner movie.
Impractical Joe's impractical death.
I am the redeemer! I am the savior! I— [sees Weird-Ass Guitar Guy taking off his blindfold when Curiosa moves out of the way] --AM IN DEEP SHIT!
In the credits, the names for the cars that are used in the review. Consisting of Wile Rig Coyote, The Thunder Road Runner, Satan's Little Chubby, He-Van, She-Rod, and the Mother of All Noise.

Event Horizon

The Goosebumps parody opening for Nostalgia-Ween, with one of the scattered papers declaring that Goosebumps is now profitable for nostalgia, and Jack Black getting dollar -eyes.
The jack-o-lantern jacket the Critic wears.
The fact that the Devil has decided to relocate hell to Critic's ass, and the way that Critic finds out that it's there: He goes to the kitchen to prepare a snack of Count Chocula, Frankenberry and Boo Berry topped with chocolate milk and a peanut butter cup. As he goes to eat it, he collapses on the floor and starts shooting flames from his asshole. Malcolm and Tamara see it, and start beating him with a crowbar and a wrench, the screen even going into first person for a moment.
- Tamara: Kill it with violence!
- In addition to this, Malcolm and Tamara then call a doctor, who of course has to practice a rectal touch. He keeps flinging his fingers around Malcolm's and Tamara's faces as he explains Critic's condition, but actually never bothered to wash his hands before doing this.
When the opening text reveals that the Moon was colonized in 2015:
Critic: Oh, so we colonized the moon this year, huh? Why am I always the last to know these things? Christ, this is always what happens when I ride my hoverboard too much!
Critic finds it funny how none of the characters can scream properly, especially considering this is supposed to be a horror flick. He then sets up a mini running gag where any scream is replaced by a puppy barking, because that's what it sounds like.
Another mini running gag is the disclaimer that Critic puts in to remind viewers that this is supposed to be a horror movie. It's used when Cooper uses his oxygen tank to propel him through space back to the Lewis & Clark (him yelling "Here I come, motherfuckers!" is what prompts Critic to put on said disclaimer), and when Miller sees the vision of the man he'd left to burn.
"Wheeeeee! I'm a spaceman!"
The use of a Goofy yell.
Critic's bewilderment at Justin being called Baby Bear by the rest of the crew during the scene where he nearly kills himself by walking into the airlock. He asks if that nickname is supposed to put him in a better mood, then proceeds to show a skit with him and Malcolm.
Critic: Come on back, Baby Bear!
Justin (played by Malcolm): (seething) I told you, I hate it when you call me Baby Bear!
Critic: Alright, we'll call you Smuchikins!
Justin: (growls in annoyance)
Critic: Buttercup?
Justin: (groans in annoyance)
Critic: Honey Lemon?
Justin: (groans in annoyance)
Critic: I know! Shrinky Balls! You'll love it when we call you Shrinky Balls...
Justin: (presses the air lock and gets ejected, much to the Critic's shock)
Critic: ...It was unavoidable.
The famous fight scene music from TOS's "Amok Time" playing over a clip of Miller and Weir fighting.

Should Found Footage Stop?

Critic reveals the trailer he just saw, Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension, and boos can be heard in retaliation, ending with a stray "FUCK YOU, ENTERTAINMENT I DON'T HAVE TO SEE!"
"I'm the Nostalgia Critic and I shake the camera so you don't have to." *camera shakes* "Okay, seriously, stop that."

Children of the Corn

Critic constantly reminds the audience, and by extension, the movie and Stephen King, that "corn is not scary".
Critic fawning over John Franklin's performance as Isaac, even going so far as to call it the best part of the movie. He even makes an Isaac pull string doll and compares his screaming at one point to Eric Cartman when he's tied up on the corn cross.
"And he's also a wanted criminal. Not for mass murder! Not for brainwashing all these kids! But because he steals every single scene in this movie."
Critic dubs in "Utinni!" when the children run away from the adults.
Malcom plays the host of a children's show and cues for a commerical with Isaac calling for children to kill all the adults. It then cuts back to Malcolm with an "Oh shit" look on his face and tells the kids not to listen to Isaac before getting gunned down.
The "Things I Can Make Scary Board".
Critic underscores Stephen King's favorite trope - the Unexplained Psychic Child!
Critic: So, you're psychic, huh? Where did that come from?
Child: I don't know.
Critic: How did you get it?
Child: I don't know.
Critic: What will you do with it in the future?
Child: I don't know.
Critic: If I took it out of the story, would we miss it that much?
Child: Probably not.
"The Corn Is Gonna Rumble... Tonight!"
" The brotherhood of the roaring belches wants you!"
Critic's disappointment and mockery of the corn monster as it makes a death cry. He gives it several nicknames including: "Casper the Friendly Explosion", "Jabba the Hutt's Aborted Fetus", "A Pumpkin Ice Cream Achieving Orgasm", and "The Annoying Orange If He Was Crying Cauliflower".
Isaac's and Maniac Zak's So Bad, It's Good Totally Radical advertisement for Sugar Frosted Children of the Corn Flakes (and for brainwashing kids).

Top 11 Halloween Guilty Pleasures

"How can you go wrong with Garfield?" [Garfield the Movie poster] "Shut up!"
Refusing to talk about the number one spot, denouncing it as a piece of trash and other expletives, until the following week (despite the list being about "not great but not awful" specials or movies).

Hocus Pocus

Critic channeling Snake when he sees the three witches. "Oh no, Bette Midler!"
The running gag of guest characters (including Garry Marshall) "lowering their standards" to help out the witches. It doesn't come without a price as the witches come out of each situation disgusted by what they have done.
Garry Marshall: "Now, just to clarify, I'm not actually the devil, but I did direct The Other Sister, so I understand the confusion."
The fact that Cat!Malcolm failed the ONE job he had to do; prevent anyone from watching the Blu-Ray of Hocus Pocus. Even after he hid the disc in the Evil Dead 2 case.
The silhoutte of the witches being hung with a 'Hang in There' poster on the wall.
How does Critic deal with the Witches? Summon a much better one in the form of Kiki, who proceeds to beat them senseless!
Everytime the Virgin thing comes up, Critic has a VERY disturbed expression and usually has to bring out the fact that the character Malcolm is playing is 13. This puts Critic in a very funny Only Sane Man position.
The Witch Leader's disgusted reaction to the Blonde Witch's extremely suggestive dance
"Now repeat after me: ecky ecky, shblblbble doochie, doosie blblblble goochie ta!". Not to mention the audience's reaction to this.
Critic gives 90's Malcolm the chance to make a new friend: 90's Kid. They then proceded to communicate via 'Dude!'
The Reveal that one of the witches was in reality Isaac and Malachai in disguise. The scene plays like an episode of Scooby-Doo. Then, Isaac and Malachai leave while reenacting a Pinky and the Brain routine.

Why Do We Holiday Too Early?

Critic opens with a Verbal Backspace on the holiday celebrated: "Happy Thanksgi— I mean Christmas!"
- He then rants about how Thanksgiving has become "a stepchild nobody wants to pay attention to, even though they're family". He then shows off an image of Cinderella with a turkey head, while saying...
  "Don't worry, Thanksgiving, one day, your fairy god-turkey will come and make you so popular that we'll start putting out Thanksgiving decorations in September. Though, of course, we'll have to move Halloween decorations to August, because we already have September to start setting those up, because, shit, WE ONLY HAVE UNTIL THE END OF OCTOBER TO GET READY FOR THAT!"

Conquest of the Commercials

Critic jumping in front of the opening and cutting right to the chase because no one wants to see it.
Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, you know the rest!
At the beginning, Critic says that seeing as how the first five commercials videos were called, "After These Messages", "We'll Be Right Back", "Exclamation Point (!)", "The Fourth One", and "The Quickening", this videos he is entitling... "Ehenzeeahneh" — which is the very "word" that comes up when the video title is shown!
With the voice recorder, he notes how raspy and low-pitched the older brother's dad must be for him to believe the younger brother's disturbing pitched-down recording. He then demonstrates as a Standard '50s Father with said voice overseeing a playdate, and scarring them beyond enjoyment.
Tamara (as a Kid): I think I need to be potty trained again!
His reaction to the overly-dramatic bathing of the "Zestfully Clean" ads especially with the lady kicking up her legs in the bathtub.
Critic: Lady, what is wrong with you?!
This absolute gem of a double Take That!:
Critic: McDonald's is one of the kings of children's marketing, using the only clown who's a surprisingly slower killer than Pennywise.
Critic's reaction to the "Food, Folks, and Fun" tagline in the McDonald's commercial, or rather, the misinterpretation of it as "Food, Fucks, and Fun". As he keeps hearing it, he makes increasingly uncomfortable comments:
Critic: Did they just add orgies to the dollar menu?
Critic: Is the secret sauce lubricant now?
Critic: You were that clown in Eyes Wide Shut weren't you?
Critic: Is nobody hearing this?
Critic: Don't touch those kids!
Critic: This might have been how they did McDonald's at Caligula's home, but not on Saturday mornings!
- Finally he goes to change the channel, first landing on a Jared Fogle Subway ad, then a Bill Cosby Pudding Pop ad before finding something a little less risqué... about Ayds. The controller slips out of his fingers as he's frozen solid by the awkwardness.
- As if regular "Ayds" wasn't bad enough, there was also peanut butter "Ayds."
  Critic: Excuse me, your ignorance has caused me to retreat into the "uncomfortable corner".
The moment Critic sees Don Bluth, he immediately starts gushing over the director's best work. Then Bluth's piercing gaze starts to make Critic feel a little uncomfortable. And because Don Bluth has taken over the TV channels to continue the silent treatment, Critic madly clicks the remote to get rid of him. He wonders what one button does, and it triggers the mid-video ad.
Critic points out the double standard behind Bedtime Barbie, and demonstrates what would happen if the genders of the kids and announcers were switched while the rest stays the same.
- Malcolm's voiceover for Bedtime Barbie:
  Malcolm (in a Barry White-esque tone): Bedtime Barbie has a sooooooft body... now with an adult version for Dad!
Critic gushing over Segata Sanshiro, comparing him to Chuck Norris minus the homophobia. Also a Moment of Awesome.
Critic goes into a rant on how 31 flavors of wrong a Canadian PSA about accidents really is, with a long screaming match that warps his accent to sound vaguely Japanese or sounding like Lewis Black.
Critic: Canada, you're sick! You're sick, Canada! What the hell's wrong with YOU?!
- Because the previous two commercials videos each contained a similarly-twisted Canadian PSA (the 2013 video had one on rape and the 2014 video had one on not putting things in one's mouth), this was preceded by Critic being initially Genre Savvy about the ad, only to be disarmed by the innocuous nature... at first. And then the above reaction occurs.
  Critic: I'm never visiting you, Canada! We're keeping Michael J. Fox, you can keep anything else you provided us! (Beat) Which is probably nothing. (another Beat) 'CAUSE YOU'RE SICK!! (Sadly, some Canadians actually took offense at this.)
In an echo to the "Milk: It Does a Body Good" sketch, he does a similar thing with the Frosted Mini-Wheats commercials, showing a disturbing future for the adult Critic and traumatizing his child self.
The skit about last year's Super Bowl being cancelled because the teams playing wanted to eat Spaghetti-O's instead.
The skit about Superman being ready to be poisoned to death just to keep his peanut butter recipe a secret.
Critic wonders who wants to use a bazooka:
Kid 1: Hey, you wanna go play cops and robbers?
Kid 2: Nah, I'd much rather play gigantic piece of plastic I place on my arm immediately making it sore and sitting still looking through a little eyepiece.
Kid 1: I'm gonna hear about you on the news, aren't I?
Kid 2: Yes, you are.
Critic describes the Tiger Talkboy as one of only two good things to come out of Home Alone 2, the second being an even gayer Tim Curry.

Dragon's Lair

When Critic asks if Bluth knows how well his last video game playthrough went over, Don simply replies with "Yep."
Bluth again threatens the Death Glare if Critic doesn't keep playing. His reaction seals it:
Critic: You're like a shaming disapproval of every morbid grandparent!
"You're my bitch, Purple Penii!"
Critic being trolled by misleading Quick Time Events and wonders if a proto-GlaDOS is running the place.
- He finds the sequel to be much easier due to a friendly interface... until he experiences Guide Dang It! in regards to the collectible treasures required to unlock the Golden Ending.
  Critic: Hold on. Are you telling me that the butterfly is glowing, signalling me to grab it, the exact same time the fire is glowing the exact same color? Wow. It's like the extended cruelty of the first game is condensed down into one single, solitary "fuck you" moment. Well guess what, "fuck you" moment, FUCK YOU!
- He then has to play through his Happily Ever After at the end of the game.
  Critic: Oh, my God. You're making me play through my happy ending! I don't know if that's awesome or awful. It's awsful.
Hearing Bluth admit that "the fun of the game was showing how many funny ways a person can die and still resurrect." This leads to Don Bluth's Top 11 Dragon's Lair Death Montage. The Critic tries to deny Bluth the satisfaction of naming the #1 death scene only to see Dirk and Daphne die in the final level of the second game.
Don Bluth: So the entire game, which is about twenty minutes' worth of animation, is a threat, a resolve. A threat, a resolve. The fun of the game was showing how many funny ways a person can die and still resurrect. (over this last sentence, we see a montage of Dirk being engulfed and crushed to death by the Tentacles from the Ceiling, Dirk crashing into a tower during the Flying Barding sequence and being crushed between the top and bottom thirds, and Dirk being overpowered by the Mudmen, one of whom ends up wearing his helmet)
Critic: I do have to say, one of my favourite things is hearing Dirk's wide variety of cowardly screams. (montage of Dirk screaming as the Checkerboard Knight attacks him, as he is electrocuted by the Checkerboard Floor, and as the Elevator plummets down)
Don: They're heard more often when you play!
Critic: SHUT UP! Actually, I wouldn't be shocked if Bruce Campbell was inspired by some of Dirk's cries. (shot of Dirk screaming at a high pitch as he is engulfed by black goo in the Haunted Hallway; cut to Bruce Campbell as Ash in Evil Dead 2 screaming at a similarly high pitch; cut back to Dirk in the Magnetic Ball room) God, this game is so hard... (Dirk is electrocuted by the throne in the Magnetic Ball room) Dammit... (Dirk is swept over a waterfall in the Mudmen level) Dammit!... (Dirk is crushed by the Rolling Balls) DAMMIIIT!...
Don: (as the "Top 11" theme music kicks in) And now, the Nostalgia Critic's Top 11 Death Scenes!
Critic: I'm not giving you the pleasure!...
Don: Number 11! (Dirk is captured by the Tentacles from the Ceiling)
Critic: Ugh...
Don: Number 10! (Dirk and the Elevator are smashed against the floor of the shaft)
Critic: Christ!...
Don: (rolls eyes) Number 9... (Dirk is devoured by the potion monster in the Cauldron Pot room)
Critic: Gonna make it this time!
Don: Number 8. (Dirk is catapulted through the wall by the Giant Spinning Batons)
Critic: I almost had that!
Don: Number 7! (Dirk is impaled by a flying sword in the Smithy's room)
Critic: You dirty little...
Don: Number 6. (Dirk is incinerated by the lava geyser on the bridge after the Round Cage)
Critic: You're not funny, y'know!
Don: Number 5.
Critic: I don't even- (Dirk is dashed against a wall in the "Ye Boulders" section of the Rapids and Whirlpools) HEY!...
Don: Number 4. (Dirk is electrocuted by the Checkerboard Floor)
Critic: My pain will not sustain you!
Don: Number 3! (Dirk gets engulfed by flames in the "Drink Me" room)
Critic: What even happened!?
Don: Number 2! (Dirk is struck down by the Phantom Knight, who ends up with Dirk's helmet on the end of his sword)
Critic: D'ooohhh!!
Don: And the Number 1 Nostalgia Critic death-
Critic: Will NOT be taking place 'cause I just got to the final level!
Don: Ah, don't worry, I'll save it for a special moment.
(much later in the video, Dirk and Daphne are escaping during the final scene of Dragon's Lair II)
Critic: Almost there... (the right of the screen flashes, but Dirk and Daphne go left) No, wrong turn! (Dirk and Daphne are smashed against a wall) NOOOOO!! I LITERALLY LOST ON MY "HAPPILY EVER AFTER"!!
Don: (smugly, as the "Hallelujah" Chorus plays) And that is the Number 1 Nostalgia Critic death scene.
Critic being easily distracted by Princess Daphne.
Randy Savage and Segata Sanshiro being brought in from the Commercial episode last week and doing it VERY over to the top to advertise the idea of Don Bluth making a Dragon's Lair Movie.
Littlefoot sperm. Gross, but funny.
The Critic asking Bluth what he was smoking when the sequel was made.

We Wish You a Turtle Christmas

Tamara walks into the studio, saying how excited she is for the first day of December (which she points out is odd that she would mention this anyway), only to see Malcolm hurriedly shut the prop room door in fear and tell her to run. As the studio starts shaking and crumbling, they exit, only to see Critic's giant head rising out of the building. In both a scary and funny moment, he grins and says in slo-mo, "CHRISTMAS!" and then explodes, leading to the destruction of all of Chicago.
Regardless of the chaos, the Critic still maintains his Christmas spirit with a good awareness of how the world's in ruins. At one point, he even demands to Tamara to do a Dorothy sketch, even though she's still fatally injured from the blast and even using her costume as a splint. When she falls over and talks back, the Critic just uses her as a footstool for the rest of the episode.
Critic: Maybe the special's not operating on how long it really is, but instead, how long it feels.
Tamara: That's what she said!
Critic: No talking. [kicks Tamara by raising his leg and bringing it down quickly]
Half of the jokes are potshots at the horrendous Turtle costumes.
Comparing the Turtle suits to the Garbage Pail Kids, fearing that if Bebop and Rocksteady were in this, they'd look even worse.
Santa's confused reaction to seeing the Turtles. Dubbed in with "Um... hi?"
- "Okay, thanks for that. I'll continue helping the less fortunate while you creepily sing in front of trees. Oh, there's a Jack & Coke waiting for me tonight."
At one moment in the opera segment, Donatello's head drops and looks fixatedly to his left. Critic thinks he was hypnotized by Mikey's ass and puts DAT ASS over the clip.
Saying that Splinter looks like a drowned gerbil corpse. With the voice of the Trade Federation guys from Phantom Menace.
Critic's bewilderment at the unexplained children in the background shots, suggesting that the Turtles kidnapped them for slaves and food.
The last thirty seconds was filled with pointless offscreen bickering, but the Critic gave it a little credit for representing a hostile family moment.
The Critic pointing out how the degrading Turtle costumes are a metaphor for alcohol abuse, showing a slideshow of the costumes getting worse overtime.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) costumes: 0 Years of Alcohol
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III costumes: 2 Years of Alcohol
Coming Out of Our Shells Tour costumes: 4 Years of Alcohol
We Wish You a Turtles Christmas costumes: 8 Years of Alcohol
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) costumes: 10 years of Alcohol
Malcolm as a zombie that came out of the nuclear holiday-caust, because apparently every apocalypse needs zombies now. Critic assures a clearly terrified Tamara that this episode will not be canon. As he proceeds to wish the audience a Happy Holiday, Malcolm enjoys Tamara as a snack.
Critic: Merry Christmas to you all, I hope you have a wonderful rest of the year, and remember, the most important thing is love. Love and compassion for the people all over the world. Whether they be in front of you, behind you, or directly behind you, just be able to show that compassion to everyone. Remember - the most important thing is to lend your neighbor a helping hand.
- Cue Zombie!Malcolm standing up to devour the Critic with Tamara's severed hand in his mouth.

Christmas with The Kranks

Critic constantly deciding to change the term he uses for horrible physical comedy based on the stunts in the movie. What starts as slapstick becomes crapstick, then slapshit, then finally shit-shit.
After the present-day Critic decides that he can't continue to do a review in the old low-budget style he was used to because he's overwhelmed by his old memes, Santa Christ reluctantly decides to bring him back to his time (after admitting that what they're doing violates the rules of Chris Columbus films). After they leave, his parents pop out from behind a door.]
Mama Walker: Let's never have him in the house again.
Papa Walker: Agreed.
Possibly unintentional: the Critic gets locked in a closet and can't get out. The door unlocks from his side.
"DO YOU WANNA KILL TIM ALLEN?"
Past Critic using Tamara as a tripod and asking her to move her head for different shots.

The Force Awakens

The fact that the sketch portion of the review is a tribute to The Star Wars Holiday Special, only this time, they're celebrating HRRRRRanukah, and the extended family is shown to be Jar-Jar Binks clones.
The commentary on the alleged "pointlessness" of the "Guavian/Kanjiklub/Rathtar" scene also doubles as a spoof of that Dianne Carroll scene in The Star Wars Holiday Special.
Ersatz-Carroll: MMMM...Angry men wanting their money back...OOH!...Giant octopuses that come out of NO-where...MMM...None of it...tying into the story. Oh, yes. But still shorter...than the opening...of Return of the Jedi. OOH! UH! OOOOH...All riiiight.
Snob: You sure this isn't the porno version of Star Whores?
Critic: No, I think the plot would actually be more focused.
When Snob!Han Solo reunites with Tamara!Leia, he tells her that he wants to bring Jim!Kylo Ren back. She responds by requesting that he tells him his mother loves him, then follows that up with having him fill out a life-insurance policy, closing out his bank accounts, and wearing a Star Trek Red Shirt.
Snob (as Han): It's an Abrams movie, so why not?
- Right before that....
  Tamara (as Leia): Han, I know there's still good in him.
  Snob (as Han): He just Jackson Pollock-ed a cantina with a bunch of space Nazis. He's a little past grounding at this point.
- Further riffing on Han's death: Rey tells him he's "like a mentor to me" right before he goes to face Ren.
  Snob (as Han): Christ, I have no chance.
- Right before that, we get this...
  Critic: They run into Rey but also run into Kylo Ren, whom Solo decides he's going to confront....
  Snob (as Han): "I decide I'm going to confront!..."
When Kylo kills Han Solo and as Han falls down the pit....
Snob (as Han): Great shot, kid! That was one in a million!
The Running Gag of Critic's extended family getting up to a variety of out of nowhere weird diversions.
- The other Running Gag where Jar Jar always ends up touching poop.
This gem:
Critic: ... So they come across the Millenium Falcon, which they, at first, mistake for scrap metal.
Snob (as Han): It belongs in a museum!!
After ranting about Snoke, they mention that his only purpose was to drop the Wham Line that Kylo Ren is Han Solo's son.
(cut away to Han having My Significance Sense Is Tingling goosebumps)
Tamara (as Rey): Are you alright?
Snob (as Han): Anyone get a "You're so dead" vibe just now?
Malcolm (as Finn): Not really.
Rey: In fact, I'm getting more of a "Two more movies" vibe, to be honest.
Finn: Yes, probably it's just you.
Han: That's exactly what I'm afraid of.
- Before Critic and Snob start ranting, they first see Snoke and think the idea of a GIANT 20-50 FOOT TALL Palpatine 2.0 is super-awesome....
Critic: Oh, my God! That's the new Emperor?! He's gigantic! Holy smokes... Imagine the possibilities you can do with this...
Jim (as Kylo): Supreme Leader, I am sorry we have to talk to you via non-cost-effective gigantic hologram...
Snob and Critic: BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Snob: That's for making me think you were awesome!
Their whole take on the "Rey's Jedi Mind-Trick" Scene.
JB-007: Hey.
Tamara (as Rey): Release me!
JB-007: 'Kay. (releases Rey)
They note that Kylo Ren is actually a fairly attractive guy, with the Critic bringing up that the Dark Side is usually "anti-pretty people". Showcasing Emperor Palpatine, Darth Maul, Darth Vader unmasked in Return of the Jedi, Supreme Leader Snoke, and Donald Trump.
Also this scene:
Tamara (as Rey): Here's to figure out how we're related!
Jim (as Kylo): I say cousins!
Rey: I say siblings!
Malcolm (as Finn): Oh! Can I be related to Lando?
Rey: No.
Finn: What? Come on! Everyone else is related!
When they arrive to the bar Moe's Eisley's, where the bartender is... Bea Arthur (played by Barney Walker, mind you).
Starkiller's base has a sign in front of it that reads, NOT A POKÉ-BALL!.
Critic's family of Gungans goes through some sort of weird puberty in which they suddenly become intelligent, talk like refined and aristocratic adults and actually walk around the piles of poo that inexplicably pop up rather into them (oddly enough, the now-intelligent Gungan doesn't bother to pick it up and toss it).

Funny / The Nostalgia Critic 2015 Episodes

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