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Funny / The Nostalgia Critic 2008 Episodes

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    Cloverfield 
  • The re-enactment of the film.
  • The whole review is a hilarious, bargain-basement reenactment of the film, which consists of Critic filming his dark living room with a video camera, shaking it wildly, talking like Hud/proto-Chester Bum in goofy fashion and an endless loop of generic "Roaring monster and screaming people" noise playing in the background. The monster and everything is depicted as a bunch of drawings stuck on the window of his living room (as if all that stuff were outside). Finally, as Lost is playing on TV, he decides to have the monster spit him out onto the island on the show.

    Street Fighter 
  • "OF COURSE!"
  • Critic naming all of the characters in the movie, then going on to mention people not related to the Street Fighter franchise. Bonus points for gradually speeding up the rate at which he says the names, and then culminating with "It's a nightmare! Everyone in the world is here! It's like a Street Fighter Christmas!"
  • Critic trying to decipher Jean Claude van Damme's accent. "A waykuhcaw?"
  • This bit, when discussing M. Bison, played by Raul Julia:
    Critic: Raul Julia was one of the most charismatic actors who ever lived and was taken from us a million times too early. In fact, it was rumored he did this as his last film because it's something his children really wanted him to do. Well THANK YOU, you little brats, he lived long enough just to see the destruction of his entire career! Top notch!
    Announcer: Warning: This is clearly for satirical purposes. Raul Julia kicks ass and I'm sure his family kicks ass.
    Guile: You've lost your balls.
  • When Guile is giving his Rousing Speech:
    Guile: Our superiors say the war is "cancelled". We can all go home.
    Critic: Oh, good. I don't know how much more of this movie I could take-
    Guile: Bison is getting paid off for his crimes, and all our friends will have died here. But... we can all go home.
    Critic: Yes yes yes, very tragic, I got things to do so I'm just gonna-
    Guile: Meanwhile, ideals like peace, freedom, and justice... they get packed up. But... we can all go home.
    Critic: Well, we would, if you would stop yapping your trap.
    Guile: Well, I'm not going home.
    Critic: No no, don't DO this to me, Van Damme! You said I could go home!
    Guile: I'm gonna get in my boat... and I'm going to kick that son of a bitch Bison's ass—
    Critic: Heart of a poet.
    Guile: Now, who wants to go home?
    (Critic raises his hand)
    Guile: And who wants to go with ME?! (soldiers cheer)
    Critic: (whiny) No, no, NO!
  • After Guile defeats Bison:
    Guile: Bison! You're off de air.
    (sarcastic laughter from the Critic)

    Mortal Kombat 
  • What's wrong with this movie? Four more syllables: PG-13.
  • From his Mortal Kombat: The Movie review, this well-timed joke:
    Raiden: The Emperor's castle...
    Critic: The emperor's asshole?!
    Johnny Cage: NOOOOO!
  • The running gag of the "Wah-wah-wah-WAAAAAH!!!" sound-effect that follows all of Johnny Cage's crappy one-liners.
    • And at the very end, Critic gets a chronic back pain for shrugging so many times for that sound-effect.
  • Describing Reptile as a combination of Finding Nemo and Satan's ass.
  • "Bottom line? These movies suck. The games are great, but these movies suck. They're terrihorrible...they're horriterrible... If I had a choice of seeing these movies again, and crawling across a street of broken glass on my belly, with my fly open, only to be greeted by a pack of rabid wolverines, who not only want to eat me, but also rape me... I'd probably see the movies again. But it's close! Very very close, like a gnat's wing."

    Space Jam 
  • "However, you want to be sure to keep these two elements (Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes) as faaaar away from each other as humanly possible. Because if you don't, YOU GET FUCKING SPACE JAM!!!"
  • The Space Jam review brought us this:
    "Okay, alright. Let me make one thing perfectly clear to all you, Warner Brothers representatives out there: We don't want to fuck bunnies. I can't believe I have to say this: We don't want to fuck bunnies. I mean, we're people; therefore we like to fuck other people. I'm sure there's some small percentage of people out there that like to fuck bunnies, but that hardly seems like a very profitable demographic."
    • "I mean, has there ever been a time where you honestly had the hots for a bunny? (Image of two Playboy Bunnies appear) THAT DOESN'T COUNT!"
    • Critic wondering what it means regarding cartoon anatomy considering Lola has "bunny boobies".
      Sylvester: We got balls!
      Critic: (disgusted) STOP! STOP!!

    Pokémon: The First Movie 
  • "How cocky do you have to be to call it 'The First Movie'?"
  • The highlight of his review of Pokémon: The First Movie: "Pikachu! Stop hitting yourself!"
    • Also when he starts the movie:
      Critic: (sees the Kids WB! logo fly on screen) Oh, that's a good sign... (sees Nintendo logo fly on screen) Oh, that's even better! (sees 4Kids Entertainment logo on screen) What, are they going to show the people who CATERED the movie next?
  • His rant about how he doesn't get the beginning due to being unfamiliar with the series.
  • The whole sequence when he watches the Pokémon fight with each other with dramatic music (Barber's "Adagio for Strings") playing in the background.
    • Followed by his impatient reactions when the characters comment on how cruel the fighting is...and won't shut up about it.
  • This quote:
    Critic: Oh, you've got to be kidding. It actually translates out to "pocket monster"? WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST CALL IT POCKET MONSTERS THEN?! I know what a pocket monster is! It's a monster that fits in your pocket! EASY! Why'd you go with "Pokémon"? That's ridiculous! Nobody knows what a Pokémon is! It sounds like something a Jamaican shouts when he wants to play cards. (Cuts to NC in fake dreadlocks and sunglasses) 'ey! Would you like to play some poke', mon?
    Caption: Apologies to Jamacans [sic] EVERYWHERE!
  • His reaction to Ash getting turned to stone:
    Critic: I know I should feel bad, but all I can think about is how great it would be if I actually got stoned right now.
    Mewtwo: You are as pathetic as the rest.
    • Then when the Pokémon cry and magically bring Ash back to life:
      Critic: I mean I knew this movie was bad but, nah, it's not possible, this movie can't possibly be that stupid. Oh my god, they are. They're using their tears of unfathomable sadness to bring their hero back to life. Suck my balls. I mean how much more cliched can you get? And on top of that, what kind of lesson is that to teach your kids? If you cry hard enough dead people will come back from the grave?
  • Trying to come up with series he likes better than Pokémon, including Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Care Bears, before finishing off lamely with "Those were the days!"

    The Wizard 

    Top 11 Naughtiest Moments in Animaniacs 

    Batman & Robin 
  • His entire monologue about the special preparation needed to review this movie:
    Critic: And seeing how this is one of the worst films of all time, special precautions have been taken today to prevent me from killing myself. For example, all sharp objects have been removed from the building. They took away my tie so that I don't hang myself. They also padded the ends of my glasses so that I don't jab them into the sides of my throat! *reaches under his ball cap and removes something hidden there before continuing gleefully* Buuuuuuuuut, they didn't count on my cyanide pill! Now, let's take a look and see just how bad "Batman & Robin" really is.
    • The movie review proper then starts. Less than 20 seconds later, we cut back to Critic frantically gulping down the pill, before a white-coated attendant rushes in and forces him to spit it out.
  • "This Batman movie has stopped moving forward with its dark storylines and complex character development, and has instead gone back to the campy bright and colorful style of the original Adam West TV show... *leans to the camera* HEEEEEELLPPP!!!"
    • Especially playing the sixties Batman theme over the first fight scene.
      • The comic SFX of POW! WHAM! LAME!
  • His complaints about all of Freeze's ice-related Puns.
    Critic: His only interest seems to be making a lot of jokes about a subject matter that unfortunately lends itself to a lot of insufferable puns. And I'll give your four guesses as to what that subject matter is. A) Celebrity Gossip. B) Political Satire. C) Family Dilemmas. Or D) Ice!
    (cut away to a Hurricane of Puns by Freeze)
    Critic: If your answer was 'D', NO FUCKING SHIT!
  • "Do I even HAVE to make fun of this?!?"
  • This little gem:
    Batman: Freeze, you're mad!
    Critic: Yes, listen to the sane man in the Bat-suit.
  • His reaction to Freeze's secret lair:
    "So he keeps her frozen in the comfort and hidden safety of a neon lit ice cream pub! How can nobody figure out that he's in there?! It's the equivalent of Walt Disney trying to hide out at Disneyland. I mean, don't you think somebody would take a look?"
    • Immediately after, he reacts accordingly to Freeze's interesting hobby:
      "Freeze spends most of his time conducting an orchestra of killer eskimos to sing "I'm Mr. White Christmas, I'm Mr. Snow"... That's... just... stupid.
  • "A Bat... Credit Card? They gave him a Bat…Credit Card? They had the BALLS to give one of the greatest superheroes of all time... 'A BAT…CREDIT CARD?!? (goes nuts) NOOO! NOOO! Does Not Compute! Does Not Compute! Does Not Compute it's insane--" (gets restrained)''
  • After the part where Poison Ivy pulls the plug on Nora Fries, leaving her to die:
    Critic: *spoken in a wistful tone of voice* I wish I was in that jar...
  • Critic's Tempting Fate gags.
    Critic: Robin comes to rescue him as surf their way down to the ground on the doors of the rocket. The only thing that could make this scene lamer is if Robin actually shouted "Cowabunga".
    Robin: COWABUNGAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
    Critic: (grunts in pain)
    • When he was driven to try to escape the review after one too many corny lines:
      Critic: All that's missing is for Freeze to shout out, "First Gotham, then the world!"
      Mr. Freeze: First, Gotham. And then...THE WORLD!
      (Critic suppresses an aneurysm, then puts a tape recorder and a pillow dolled up with a mask, hat, jacket, and glasses to somewhat look like him. He makes a "shhhh..." at the camera, hits "play" on the tape deck and leaves the dummy.)
      Recording: I hate this. Look at that. That's so lame. This is idiotic. I really hate this. This is so stupid. I wish I could kill myself. Wow, that's horrible. Oh my god, I can't believe how bad this is. I wish I could kill myself.
      (Sounds of beatings, taken from Tom and Jerry, before Critic is forced back into frame.)
    • The punchline to the final Tempting Fate gag:
      Critic: GODDAMN THIS MOVIE! It did it! it finally did it! Batman has driven me BATSHIT CRAZY!!!
      (goes absolutely batshit crazy until he takes a pill)
      Critic: ...Tranquilizers. Always come prepared when Joel Schumacher is involved.
  • Iiit's...Supercrapafuckarifficexpialibullshit!/A film so bad that censors really oughta go and pull it./Sadly, there's not many words that only rhyme with bullshit...

    Top 11 Catchiest Theme Songs 

    90's Sports Montage 

    Top 11 Drug PSAs 
  • His reaction to the drug dealer turning into a snake is priceless.
    Snake: Take one hit and you'll do anything to cop more; (slips into the shadows) steal from your momma, lie, cheat on your homeboys, (comes out of the shadows as a snake monster) but hey, do I look like the kinda guy that would do that to a kid like you? YESSSSSSSS!
    Critic: (from under his desk) Go to the next one!
    • Comes back at the end of the video
      Critic: I guess they had good enough intentions but is it really worth it to go so over-the-top about a subject matter that many of us probably wouldn't have even known about until we heard about it on TV?
      Snake: YESSSSSSSS!
      Critic: (yelps) Okay, just don't show me that guy again! I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
      Snake: YESSSSSSSS!
  • The "Drugs, Drugs, Drugs" ad:
    Critic: Here's a weird little PSA that actually gives drugs its very own theme song. Is it me, or does it sound like this PSA is actually PROMOTING drugs?
    Song: Drugs, drugs, drugs! / Ask your mom or ask your dad!
    Critic: And if that's not bad enough, there's actually parts of the song where they talk about the good things that drugs do.
    Song: Drugs can make you better / When you're feeling ill.
    Critic: Uh, mixing the signal there, guys! Now to be fair, they do talk about bad drugs too, but it's hard to hear cause you can barely make it out.
    Song: There's lots of other drugs / That sure do have a flaw.
    Critic: [confused] "...That are sure to have a paw"?!
    Song: It's trouble with the law!
    Critic: [confused again] "Let's struggle with the law"?!
    Song: Which are good? Which are bad?
    Critic: I don't know which are good and which are bad. The way you're singing, I don't even know what the hell drugs are!
    Song: Drugs, drugs, drugs! / Ask your mom or ask your dad!
  • Critic imagines how the scene of the boy telling off his drug-using father continues: either the father flips out and beats him up, or it becomes a heartwarming bonding moment over bong filters. "I've taught you well, son!"
  • Although Critic has nothing to do with it, "this is cwack" is comedy gold.
    • Critic's expression though to Pee-Wee's PSA though is quite comedy gold in itself. He somehow makes it more funny than when Pee-Wee says it.
    • His spot-on Pee-Wee impression is pretty awesome, too.
  • OH MY GOD! HE'S DEAD, HE'S DEAD, HE'S TALKING TO A DEAD BOY, HE'S DEAD, DRUGS TOOK HIS LIFE, OMIGOD!
    • OH MY GOD, THERE'S NO WATER, THERE'S NO WATER IN THE POOL! OHMIGOD! THERE'S NO WATER IN THE POOL! OHMIGOD!
  • The "Brain on Drugs" ad. Critic said that though it had longevity, everyone he knew always had a witty follow-up question to counter it. Also, his asking witty follow-up questions through repeated sayings of "Any questions?" is hilarious. The 90's follow-up "Brain on Drugs" update with a frying pan-wielding Rachael Leigh Cook wrecking the kitchen freaked him out so much, that when she calmly asks, "Any questions?" at the end of the ad, he responds, "Yeah, what the hell kind of drugs are you on?!"
  • The insult itself is so lame it doesn't get even Narm points, but Critic's reaction to "I'm not a chicken, you're a turkey!" is hilarious.
    • In a nutshell; It has him reacting as if it was the most awesome comeback in the universe.

    Captain Planet 
  • Critic tries the Heart ring but gets his rings mixed up.
    Sauron: I see you!
  • Wheeler comments on Beakman's World.
    "He's an exterminator's nightmare!"
  • This bit, when Captain Planet is introduced:
    Wheeler: He's suckin'...
    (Critic gets a surprised, concerned look on his face)
    Wheeler: ...The oil vat!
    Critic: (relieved) Oh, whew...
  • Getting beat by a ruler whenever he says "Ruler".
    • And then at the end of the episode, he gets out his gun and says "Ruler" and turns around ready to shoot the ruler. But the ruler comes out from the other side, and whacks Critic on the head.
  • Ma-Ti complains about how Ted Turner is trying to keep Indians down. Critic points out that the Ma-Ti from the show was South American. "Ma-Ti" realizes he's been caught in his lies, punches him while shouting "Heart", and runs off.
  • The alternate ending to the gang violence episode where the gangbangers shoot the Planeteers.
  • His reaction to learning the topic of one of the Very Special Episodes. His face is all that needs to be said.
    Critic: So, Captain Planet, what other issues are you going to talk to grade school kids about?
    Todd: AIDS?
    (cartoon sound effect, look of absolute dumbfoundedness on Critic's face)
    • Following that:
      Doctor: You tested positive for the HIV virus.
      Critic: STOP! CEASE! DESIST! GET OUTTA THERE! BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!
    • In regard to how people get the HIV virus:
      Doctor: There are only a few ways to contract the virus: using drugs with needles, unprotected sex, or, he could have gotten it from that blood transfusion he had a few years back.
      Critic: These kids are just learning how to spell blue, don't tell them about drugs or unprotected sex, what the hell's wrong with you?!
    • "There ya have it folks. The understatement of the century: AIDS stinks. And here's another thing I just found out: Hitler was a dork."
    • The scene between Todd Andrews and his coach:
      Coach: You wanna talk?
      Todd: Nothing to say. It's all over.
      Coach: Not the way I hear it.
      Todd: Coach, I've got AIDS!
      Coach: Wrong! You're HIV Positive; big difference!
      (the Critic gets a surprised look)
      Todd: They probably won't even let me play in the big game.
      Coach: Wrong again, Andrews. You're gonna be playin' in that game, and anybody who says otherwise'll have to deal with me.
      Critic: Whoa, coach is a bit of a psycho.
    • His reaction to the Coach getting right up in the screen during the AIDS speech.
    • In regards to the easily-swayed crowd:
      Critic: Hey, everybody! Childbirth is bad!
      (audience boos)
      Critic: But genocide is good!
      (audience cheers)

    Double Dare 
  • Critic showing what Marc Summers' life as the host having OCD would have been.
  • Him showing some obstacles that "didn't make the cut", ending with crucifixion.
  • Him showing what some of the different-colored substances used in the physical challenges could be: Radioactive waste, blood, and elephant spooge.
  • Him showing what the show would be like if the show gave away big money... it involves a lot more swearing.
  • "It's like the world's greatest Japanese game show, except nobody dies."
  • Describing some of the physical challenges as "medieval torture devices designed by Bozo the Clown." (cue footage of Bozo with a evil laugh dubbed over it)
  • The Critic describing the "near misses", and shows a clip where a player barely misses a flag on the last second:
    Marc: OH HE MISSED THE FLAG! HE MISSED THE FLAG! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
    Critic: Oh come on, you dicks. Just give him the Porsche.

     3 Ninjas 
  • Him noting the weight difference between the grandfather's actor and his double.
  • The villain wasting millions of dollars training his henchmen to appear when he says a certain phrase.
  • "Cake."
  • When a ninja telephone operator is shown, Critic loses it:
    Critic: WHY is the telephone operator wearing a ninja suit?! I mean, what is the point?! Is the telephone operator a martial artist? If so, why isn't he out there fighting with the rest of the ninjas? What is the purpose of hiring a martial artist to answer the telephones? IT MAKES NO SENSE!
    Mom: Stop it!
  • "Ah!!! Jellybeans!!! My one weakness!!!"
  • "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles beat up Macaulay Culkin: The Movie."

    Top 11 Hottest Animated Women 

    Bébé's Kids SNES 
  • Getting Kyle Justin to spoof the AVGN theme counts by itself, but then there's Critic's take on the Nerd's use of Rolling Rock.
  • Critic mocking the Nerd at the beginning, mostly due to how he acknowledges that the voice would get annoying if he did it for the whole video.
    (in a stupid voice) "Hello, I'm the Angry Video Game Critic! I have a small penis and like to eat elephant shit for breakfast. Hah. Hah. Hah. (back to his normal voice) Alright, I'm not gonna do that voice throughout the entire video."
  • The extended sequence where Critic goes on about the "No Vibes No beVis No beVis No Vibes" sign. Particularly at the end, where he proclaims how he's going nuts over absolutely nothing and he's just started the game.
  • "HA-HA! I BEAT HIM! I ACTUALLY BEAT HIM! THERE IS A GOD--!" *Time runs out*
  • Every time he almost takes the cartridge out of the SNES to destroy it, especially the last one: an homage to Point Break (1991).
  • Upon choosing the girl:
    Critic: Oh, what? She's the exact same speed. In fact, I think she might even be a little slower. You bag of ass!
  • "And, throw it! And, throw it! THROW IT, YOU BITCH!!"
    • "What am I supposed to just look at it?!"
  • His confusion upon accidentally discovering the uppercut attack.
    Critic: What? What was that? What was that?! How the fuck did I do that?!
  • His first thoughts on the House of Glass level.
    Critic: Alright, so there's a baby dropping some glasses and a guy catching them at the bottom... Okay, well good luck with that. I'm gonna see where the real adventure is.
  • "Back off, ya little dick cheese!"
  • In the haunted house level: "There's this weird animated picture of what looks like Spider-Man swinging by. Am I supposed to catch a ride with him? Please Spider-Man, get me out of this hellhole!"
  • "I KNEW IT! I KNEW I COULD DO IT! I KNEW I COULD PULL IT O—!" *Time runs out*
  • "THAT'S! JUST! IM! POSSIBLE!"
  • At the end, just when Critic was about to finish the haunted house level, the time limit ran out. He is so angry about it, he proceeds to destroy the Bebe's Kids cartridge by smashing it with a hammer, jumping on it, shooting it, and spitting on it.
    Critic: DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIIIIIIEEEE!!!!!
    • The face he makes when the time runs out.
    • He sits there in stunned silence, before letting out a mighty dinosaur-like ROAR!
    • ...and at the end of the video:
      Critic: THIS IS THE WORST GAME I'VE EVER PLAYED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! IT SUCKS ASS, IT SUCKS BALLS, IT JUST... SUCKS!!! (points at screen) Well, if you think this is gonna get rid of me, Angry Video Game Nerd, you are much mistaken. Sure, I will need years of psychological therapy to recover from this, but that doesn't mean you've heard the last of me! All I can say, Angry Video Game Nerd, is fuck this game and FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME PLAY IT!
      Kyle Justin: He's the Angry Video Game...
      Critic: OH, SHUT UP!
      Kyle Justin: ...Critic.

    Masters of the Universe 
  • "It's Okay to be Gay" dubbed over footage of the film.
  • The John McCain jokes.
  • Anytime Critic made up a new subtitle for the movie title (adding in the oddly missing 'He-Man'):
    He-Man! And the Raiders of Kentucky Fried Chicken!!

    He-Man! And the Masters of the Depressing Plot Expositions!!

    He-Man! And the Shoppers of the Feminine Automobiles!!

    He-Man! And the Mystic Time Travelers of the Oingo Boingo!!
  • The dramatic head turning.
  • This bit, when He-Man tries to negotiate for the Sorceress's freedom:
    He-Man: Let her go.
    Skeletor: I don't think so.
    Critic: Negotiations over!
  • The Critic is bored throughout Skeletor's long-winded speech.
  • The Critic exaggerating how long Skeletor's Disney Villain Death is.
  • When he criticizes the moral of the film, he can't help but make one more gay joke:
    Critic: That's like saying He-Man is straight! In that...it's not true. It's a lie. ...Because he is SO, gay! I mean, people trying to defend that he's not gay, you're just...WRONG!

    Follow That Bird 
  • Right after Critic has two Squee attacks at the sight of Mr. Snuffalupagus, he slaps himself and says the following:
    "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? I'M THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC! Not the Pussified-Emotional-Cries-over­-every-Sesame-Street-related-m­otion-picture-epic-where-every­-person-puppet-and-occasional-animated-animal-tugs-at-your-h­eartstrings CRITIC!"
  • When Big Bird begins to have a nervous breakdown from the Dodo family's endless jabber, Critic does Big Bird a favor and screams/roars "SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" in proxy.
  • Critic, unable to insult something that he grew up with, makes Chester A. Bum finish the review. The fact Chester's review plays over fastforwarded clips no doubt left a good first impression on many. To wit:
    "There's this lady, who looks like one of my acid fantasies..."

    "Dude, what is your deal? This is his home! GO BACK TO RUSSIA!!"

    "I ATE MY CAR THINKING IT WAS A COOKIE ONCE! Only it wasn't a cookie...or a car...IT WAS MAN!
  • This bit:
    Chester: So they have a big car chase scene and they're like "Jump!" And he's like "No!" And they're like "Jump!" And he's like "No!" And they're like "Jump!" And he's like "Okay."

    Saved by the Bell 
  • "Oh! Good news, Mr. Belding, good news! (grabs a box and taps on it) Your balls arrived!"
  • This:
    Critic: How many times can you break up with a person before they turn into a psycho and start stalking you? (looks around warily, leans closer to the camera and whispers): Three!
  • Critic's mocking of Zack's "brand new look":
    Critic: All right, now, I have to warn you: This next scene, where Zack shows himself in his brand new look is... (sighs) ... is one of the funniest things ever put on television. It will cause laughter beyond your control. Just remember to breathe: Inhale, and exhale. This HAS been known to kill people. People have actually died from laughter. Just want you to keep that in mind before you watch this. Take a deep breath... (inhales and exhales) All right, let's watch the scene. (Zack comes in with a blond mohawk and 80's clothing and Critic bursts out laughing for a really, really, REALLY long time) HE LOOKS LIKE VANILLA ICE'S BITCH!!! (continues laughing and eventually stops) I think I just orgasmed.note 
  • "OOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLL!"
  • 'You duck-killing mother-FUCKER!'
  • Critic comparing Elizabeth Berkley's character in Saved by the Bell to her character in Showgirls:
    Jessie (as Elizabeth): Auctioning off dates is sexist flesh peddling and should be strictly forbidden.
    • Cue smutty footage of Stripper!Elizabeth flipping audience a bird and pole-dancing.
  • Critic tugging nervously at his tie while Zack gives his politically incorrect family tree presentation.

    Tom and Jerry: the Movie 
  • The most awesome Spit Take ever involving sangria and watermelon. Made even funnier because some actually splatters on the camera lens.
  • He refers to the little girl's father as "Indiana Jones".
  • As Dr. Applecheeks very creepily sneaks up on an ice cream cart:
    Critic: ...What the hell was that about? Was he gonna... (shrugs) sexually assault it? I mean, what the hell?
    • Doug and Rob say that their inspiration for this comment was their friend, Bargo, who said "What the hell?! Was he gonna rape it?!"
  • "How do I know all this? BECAUSE HE SINGS ABOUT IT!"
    • During Applecheeks' song:
      Critic: I don't think so. (slams the door)
  • "So after they escape the singing cat gang, good God, did I really just say that?"
  • Well, there's this dog on a skateboard. And yeah, he sounds like Gollum. (shrugs wearily)
  • This line, when he wasn't expecting another song:
    Critic: So they talk about what they're gonna do with Robyn— (cue music) Oh no, please, not another one. I'll do anything, I'll do your taxes, I'll shave your back, I'll prostitute myself for money, just PLEASE not another one!
    Aunt Fig: ♪Money is such a beautiful word...♪
    Critic: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!! THESE FUCKING SONGS ARE HORRIBLE! It's like Alan Menken's puke somehow mutated and started writing music!
    Tom: That's disgusting!
  • "A cat and a mouse are driving a ship trying to save the daughter of Indiana Jones while being chased by a Purple People Eater, a dog on a skateboard, a performing ship captain, his hand puppet Squawk, two Mexican wrestlers, and a doctor riding an ice cream cart! Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Mind Fuck."
  • "By the way, have you noticed the strange names in this movie? Dr. Applecheeks? Aunt Fig? Mr. Lickboot? These are sounding more like abstract fetishes."
  • This line, when Captain Kiddie's about to sing:
    Critic: Oh, I don't know, why don't you sing about it?
    (Captain Kiddie starts singing)
    Critic: (Facepalm) Why does everybody have a song in this?! Doesn't anybody say "Yes" or "No" anymore?
  • His deadpan, "Well... that was dark." after it seems Tom and Jerry were burnt to death in the fire.
    • When the cabin collapses and Tom and Jerry are seemingly lost:
      Robyn: They're gone! My best friends are gone!
      Robyn's father: Don't cry, Robyn. We'll find them.
      Critic: Or at least what's left of their charred remains. Either way, we're eatin' tonight!
  • He notes that the movie does an Iris Out on Tom chasing Jerry, as if to say "Yep, that's what it's aaaaaaall about."
    Critic: I'll tell you what this movie is all about: AN HOUR AND A HALF TOO LONG!
  • "This film is awful, the lowest form of shit. It sucks ass! It sucks balls! It sucks ass balls!"
  • By the end, the sheer awfulness of the film has made him very angry indeed.
    Critic: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Gah, what a fuckload of ass!.

    Top 11 Saddest Moments 
  • The gags based on the Mood Whiplash created by the scene after the death of Bambi's mother.
    • Especially the ending.
  • BUGS BUNNY MADE ME CRY!
  • Seeing the facial changes can be hilarious for a first-time viewer.
  • The ending title card says, "How did we survive our childhoods?!"
  • His reaction to Charlotte's death in Charlotte's Web: "I'll never use a can of Raid again!"
  • Critic tries to offset the sadness of the bluebird scene in Follow that Bird by singing "Sunny Days."

    Surf Ninjas 
  • One word: GENIUS!!!!
  • "They take surfing so seriously that they even treat their car as a surfboard rowing their way to school not caring how nobody has their hand on the steering wheel putting dozens of lives at risk. Those lovable rapscallions."
  • The funniest moment from the entire series is when he compares and contrasts this film with Apocalypse Now. He shows a clip of Marlon Brando, his face half cloaked in shadow, glumly intoning, "Horror... has a face... and you must make a friend of horror." Cut to Ernie Reyes goofily saying, "What's TALL, DARK, wears a PATCH, and always seems to be on my BUTT?!" "It's almost like Ford Coppola directed both movies!"
    • Similarly:
      Critic: Notice the low-angle shot here. That is to indicate that Leslie Nielsen is the bad guy. I'm often reminded of the low angle shots in Citizen Kane, the greatest movie of all time.
      Kane: Don't worry about me! I'm Charles Foster Kane!
      Adam: We just want to drive. But "the man" won't let us.
      Critic: Can you see the emotional similarities to these magnum opuses? I challenge you to say no!
  • "Also notice Leslie Nielsen's look of absolute evil when he approaches young Zatch": "HEEEEHHH HAAAAAAAHHH!!!" "It still haunts my nightmares."
  • "Nielsen has to wear a plastic mask on half of his face, no doubt symbolizing the duality of his character. In any other film, this would look positively retarded. But because it's in this film, it works."
  • "Remember: Bend your knees, use your arms!"
    Critic: AND THAT'S ALL YOU NEED! Bend your knees and swing your arms! Surfing in two seconds! Suck it, Scorsese!!!
  • How about Optimus Prime resurrecting him at the end of the review?
    Optimus Prime: Remember, I died for your sins!

    Top 11 Nostalgic Animated Shows 

    Kazaam 
  • "The Nostalgia Critic cannot be here right now due to reasons of vengeance, but he has left a recording before he left for you to enjoy."
    • "Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. To err is human, TO MAKE THE WORST PIECE OF HALF-ASSED COW SHIT TO EVER STAR A BAD-ACTING SEVEN-FOOT BASKETBALL SUPERSTAR IS UNFORGIVABLE!!!"
  • "He went through a hole! What do we do? He went through a hole! What do we do? He went through a hole! What do we do? He went in a hole! What do we do? He went through a hole! What do we do? He went through a hole! What do we do? Oh yeah, go through the hole."
  • Critic, dubbing for Kazaam: "I guess I should have an emotion here. But I don't want to."
  • He comments that for a "rapping" genie, Shaq doesn't rap as much as he just rhymes, there's a big difference. This leads to this exchange:
    Kazaam: Don't get all hysterical, say thank you for your miracle! What's the matter, your tongue is broken? Time like this, you should be stokin'!
    Critic: You want this film to be good and I'm not jokin'? Grab yourself a 'jay and get to smokin'! No truer words have ever been spoken, it'll seem much better once you've been tokin'!' See I can do it too, it's not hard.
  • "Oh my God, SHAQ'S GONNA EAT ME!"
  • "Did Kazaam just go back to the future?"
  • This exchange:
    Kazaam: Problem is, djinn only exist in fairy tales. I don't believe in fairy tales.
    Critic: (Beat) The genie doesn't believe in fairy tales. (moves closer to the camera) The GENIE doesn't believe in fairy tales. (another beat, then Critic knocks on the camera) HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO???!!!
  • "BAD TOUCH! BAD TOUCH!"
  • "Look at that shit-eating grin; it's the same kind he gets when he's trying to advertising something." Cue various logos superimposed over the movie when Shaq smiles.
  • This moment:
    Critic: So a white person owns a black person to provide services against his will without getting paid. There's a word for that, I can't quite think what it is...um, ownership? No no no no, that's not it, that's not it... Um, possession! No no no, that's not what I'm lookin' for either. It's something along the lines of um, um...
    (Critic looks down to see the word SLAVERY below the screen, then looks back at the camera disgusted)
    Critic: What is WRONG with this movie?!
  • During the CGI breakfast sequence:
    Critic: That's sad when the breakfast is the best actor in the movie.
    Kazaam: (disinterested tone) Yeah...
  • Critic Head Desking when Shaq does his Piss-Take Rap, and claiming "Vanilla Ice was blacker than this!!!" Also doubles as a hilarious Call-Forward to his later review of Cool as Ice.
    • Then there's his priceless reaction to Shaq's line "Let's green egg and ham it!"
      Critic: ...What is this, Seuss Doggy-Dog, I mean, THAT'S THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE!!! That's something AN INFANT says when he's LEARNING HOW TO READ!!
  • This:
    Critic Kazaam: I guess I should have an emotion here. But I don't want to.
  • "He's gonna go Shaq Fu on your asses!" (Awesomeness ensues)
    • SHAQGASM!
  • After said fight:
    Kazaam: (to an unconscious Max) You're the only friend I've ever had. When you needed me the most... I wasn't there.
    Critic: Yeah, you were a bit of a douche, Kazaam.
  • So Kazaam finally becomes human and is offered a job.
    Critic: [pretending to be amused] A job? He can't get a job! He's a genie! [laughs] That's pretty out there! [Beat] OUT OF MY HAIRY ASS!
  • "If I could make a wish, I'd wish that this movie never existed!"
    • And then he ended up railing Citizen Kane, getting boos from the crowd, and struggling to explain himself to them.

    Nostalgia Critic Vs. The Angry Video Game Nerd Final Battle 
  • The Nostalgia Critic Vs. The Angry Video Game Nerd final battle is a thing of true beauty, particularly the Cluster F Broadsides they hit each other with mid-battle.
    Critic: (after getting kicked into a wall of cardboard boxes) Who keeps piles of boxes around? Honestly?
    Nerd: Oh, don't you talk about my boxes! I like boxes!
    Critic: That's the fuckest thing I've ever heard, shit-mop!
    Nerd: Shitload of fuck!
    Critic: Fuckmonkey!
    Nerd: I'm giving you both middle fingers... AT FULL FORCE!
    Critic: Cow-humping transvestite!
    Nerd: Fee-fi-fo-fuck you!
    Critic: Ass-blower!
    Nerd: Turdburglar! Robble-robble-robble!
    Critic: (mocking tone) Oh, look at me, I'm the Angry Video Game Nerd!
    (Both of them babble at each other incomprehensibly for a few seconds)
    Nerd: Shuuuuuuuuut up! Shuuuuuuuuuuuut up! Shuuuuuuuuuut up!
    Critic: You fucky little fuckless fucking motherfucking fucket of fucking world!
    Both: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
    Critic: Cocknocker!
    Nerd: (Beat)...Jerk.
    Critic: (gasps) That's it!
    • In the behind the scenes video, the off-screen crew does one better:
      Mike Matei: (after everything above) That's basically what it all boils down to.
      Camera Man: Yeah, that's pretty much the whole fight right there.
    • Also from the behind-the-scenes video, no-one knowing how to tie a tie, when the Critic's starts coming undone. Which leads to this moment...with the Nerd/James' real wife eventually tying it!
      Critic: There's four guys in this house, and nobody knows how to tie a tie!
      Cameraman: (as the Nerd ties the Critic's tie for him) Now he's dressing you.
      Critic: This is never making it anywhere. This is never going to be shown.
  • Chester A. Bum's review of the Final Battle is pretty great as well.
    "But Super-Mega-Kablooey-Jesus comes out! And he's like 'Fudgers! Fudgers!' ...Remember, [I'm] Mormon."

    Drew Struzan Tribute 

    Teddy Ruxpin Doll Halloween 2008 Special 
  • When Teddy reveals himself as the devil, Critic screams repeatedly in sheer terror and in a very high pitch.
  • After his first run-in with Teddy, Critic looks himself in the mirror and tries to remind himself that it wasn't real: "You gotta lay off the wacky tobacky."
  • Teddy Ruxpin biting him in the balls.
  • The end, where Teddy forces Critic to do a more positive review of him, with him looking quite disheveled, his eyes twitching, and speaking somewhat robotically:
    Critic: As you can see, I've been totally wrong about Teddy Ruxpin. He's a good, good toy. Very friendly and very nice, and not the least bit homicidal. So, I recommend Teddy Ruxpin to anyone who has an active imagination. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't HELP, HELP, THE TOY'S ALIVE AND HE'S GONNA KILL ME!! HE'S GONNA KILL ME, HELP!!!
    (as this happens, Teddy turns sharply to Critic and the screen goes black)
    Critic: WHO TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS?!? WHO TURNED OFF—
    (he gets cut off by the sound of a gunshot that flashes white, silencing the Critic)
    Teddy: (eyes lighting up red in the darkness; singing) Come dream with me tonight...

    Double Dragon 
  • "So we see a bunch of ninjas beating up a bunch of Chinese monks as one of them hides in a cave where they worship the yogurt statue from Spaceballs."
    Yogurt: SILENCE!
  • Calling Guisman "the Vanilla Ice 1000".
    • And another instance of M. Bison:
    Guisman: I JUST WANT TOTAL DOMINATION OF ONE MAJOR AMERICAN CITY!
    Critic: (sighs) All right...
    M. Bison: Of course!
    Critic: (chuckles) I'll never get sick of that joke.
  • When Guisman is kicked through a painting, but hops back up through the same painting:
    Critic: Okay, I guess part of the Double Dragon power is art restoration.
  • The Running Gag of how the Excuse Plot of the original game was that some thugs kidnapped the Lee Brothers' girlfriend Marian in the game, and how much the movie is beating around the bush to have the same conflict with the Lee Brothers' girlfriend Satori (or mother/sister/platonic friend... whoever she is) note  in the movie before the movie essentially destroys the original plot altogether by killing the girl in a gigantic explosion.
    Critic: I'm sick of your stalling, movie! It's time that you do something with that woman! Do something with that wom-!
    (cue Stuff Blowing Up)
    Critic: Well that was... harsh.
  • "This is like waterboarding by Popeye!"
    Popeye: Myah. We're gonna have to give up some of our personal freedoms, akekekekeke.
  • And when he complains that the Mooks' designs are so random and Narm-y that he wouldn't be surprised if Mickey Mouse suddenly appeared amidst them...
    Mickey Mouse: Ha-ha! Aim for the jugular!
    • "...Did the music just belch?"
  • His completely justified rant when he sees the Double Dragon arcade game in the background, claiming It Makes As Much Sense In Context (oh, and there's no context given whatsoever, by the by) as Frodo from the film Lord of the Rings reading the original book by J.R.R. Tolkein.
  • "And to your right, you'll see a shitty movie being made."
  • "By the way, to all those morons that are trying to bring this look back...This could be you. (referring to Bo Abobo's appearance)"
  • Critic getting annoyed with the Mohawks using an elaborate method to see passed a map blocking their windshield, rather than just removing it.
  • "No one interrupts our street rendition of Godspell."
  • The lame puns Critic comes up with for the fight scene in the abandoned theater.
    "It's curtains for you."
    "May I sweep you off your feet."
    "Ball's in your court."
    "It's time to get pinned."
  • "Things heat up when the gang leader Bo Abobo gets an upgrade and has transformed into Fat Bastard's retarded pimple-covered cousin."
    Fat Bastard: "Get in my belly!"
  • This quote, along with Critic's voices for each of the described mooks. "They have to fight evil nasties; like a Robin Williams mime, a yodeling boy in lederhosen, Rick James, and The Sinister-Postman-Who-Randomly-Leaps-Off-Of-Tall-Buildings-For-No-Reason."
    Critic (as the mime): Balloon anima-ahh! (gets hit in between the legs with a board)
    Critic (as the yodeler): Yodel lay hee- (gets kicked) ahh!
    Critic (imitating Rick James): I'm Rick James, bi- (gets kicked) ahh!
  • The Sinister-Postman-Who-Randomly-Leaps-Off-Of-Tall-Buildings-For-No-Reason ("Maybe this wasn't such a hot IDEAAAAAAAAAA!" *[splat]*).
    • AIR MAIL!!!
  • "Meanwhile, the two Mexican bellhops, after filming a Double Mint gum commercial-"
  • "Welcome to Chuck E. Cheese, asshole."
  • Willy Wonka's torture asylum
  • "This should be suspenseful, but I can't tell which gang members are supposed to be which. These morons are just one Indian short of the Village People."
  • The girl who leads one of the gangs ties up the Dark Action Girl with her own whip, leading to fetishy ranting from Critic "...and cover her in maple syrup and make her wear a sailor costume and dance the - Wow, I have issues."
  • "-giving him the incredible ability to turn into...these two guys. That's a pretty lame medallion."
  • The "quacking profile", complete with Critic mocking Bo Abobo's head-shot and flipping off with both fingers.
    • The Critic's profile edited in over a manhunt for John Gotti.
      "We're on the hunt for a bigshot in the Gambino crime family (Critic's quacking mugshot plays on the screen)
  • When Guisman is lowered into the police car:
    Guisman: You think I'm bad... Wait till you meet my lawyers! (smiles)
    (The Tonight Show theme plays)
    Critic: (chuckles) Robert Patrick, everybody, Robert Patrick. I tell ya, that kid is goin' places.
  • At the end, where Critic claims this movie must be the wake-up call for film producers to make some quality movies based off of video games, rather than simply crank out crappy ones to make money, he dares God to strike him down if he's wrong.
    Boom, Headshot!
    Critic falls over with a hole in his head... and pops back up asking "Is it me, or have I been dying a LOT recently?" (Head Desk)

    Top 11 Underrated Nostalgic Classics 
  • When Return to Oz comes up, Critic thinks it will be as delightful and charming as the 1930's film. Cue rampant montage of the movie's Nightmare Fuel.
    Critic: (Beat) —Holy shit!

    Howard The Duck 
  • "DuckTits... woo-hoo!"
    Critic: What creepy pervert thought that up?! (image of a grinning George Lucas flashes)
  • This gem:
    Guy In Movie #1: Dat's a duck!
    Guy In Movie #2: What is dat?
    Guy In Movie #1: Dat's a duck, man!
    Critic: (points to screen) Dat's a duck! (points to tie) Dat's a tie! (points to desk) Dat's a desk! (holds up copy of movie) Dat's a dupid, dupid movie!
  • "You know you're talking to a duck, right!?"
  • "My god, he's transformed into Cobra Commander!"
    Scientist possessed by alien: I am now one of the dark overlords of the universe.
    Critic (as Alien): And your mother sucks cocks in hell, BLAAAAAH!
  • "BRING IT, MOTHADUCKAH!"
  • Hadouken!
  • Critic's reaction to Howard and Beverly's almost-sex scene. First, he brings out the bottle of Jack Daniels from earlier... then he cocks a revolver... then he holds a knife to his wrists. All with the same concerned expression. Then the scientists show up and ruin the moment -- much to the Critic's relief.
  • Critic imitates Beverly while she is admiring Howard while he's sleeping: "Hmm. Mrs. Duck. I guess I kinda like it."
    Beverley: (to Howard) What am I going to do with you?
    Critic: Well, roasted or extra crispy comes to mind.
  • The following:
    Beverley: (about the villain) HE'S IN A BAD MOOD!
    Critic: I really hope she dies.
  • There's a running gag throughout the review wherein clips of Howard making snide remarks follows one of the Critic's comments, making it almost feel like Critic and Howard are participating in Snark-to-Snark Combat.
    Critic: Look at this thing, it's like Donald Duck's missing nephew, Drunky.
    Howard: Thanks.
  • "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Ducks are from some parallel dimension where apparently they have duck tits. And no shame."
  • Critic being squicked by Tim Robbins making bad duck noises toward Howard:
    Critic: Did the movie just run out of dialog? That wasn't a sentence, that was a sound effect! It's like the script was written by Gerald McBoing-Boing!
  • "Next I will destroy the TABASCO SAUCE!"
  • "Well, gee! He threw a pie at the other guys! Surely he's not going to throw a pie at me D'OOOOOH!"

    Mortal Kombat: Annihilation 

    Godzilla 
  • "So yeah, apparently fire translates English into Japanese".
    Patient: Nice lighter. Nice frickin' lighter.
  • The montage/mash-up of flying scenes.
  • "That's a lot of fish", as well as all the call backs to the line throughout the review.
    • That whole scene just takes the cake for Critic's baffled reaction. We're so used to seeing him get bombastically angry at the stupid things that he sees in old movies, seeing him express such utter confusion is just hysterical.
    Critic: "That's a lotta fish." (mutters to himself) I don't get it. "That's a lotta fish" — so? I mean, is that meant to be funny? It left a pause at the end for the audience to laugh, I mean, but... what's the joke? I could've just as easily said "That's a hat." "That's a wall." "That's a lotta fish." I mean, how is that funny? You could've said a lot of things there like "I got a fishy feeling about this" or "It's like shooting fish in a barrel out here!" I mean, it wouldn't have been funny, but at least they would've been actual jokes. "That's a lotta fish" — you could spend years trying to figure out why the hell that's supposed to be funny and not get anywhere! "That's a lotta fish" — look, you could literally just put in gibberish, and that at least would've been a little bit funnier. He looks over this amazing sight, turns to the other guy and says "Poppity pop pop pop!" and that actually would've gotten a little bit of a laugh. Just nonsense off the top of my head is funnier than these guys trying to willingly produce written humor. THIIINK!
  • His mangled attempts at pronouncing "Nick Tatopoulos," Matthew Broderick's character's name, finally culminating in...
    Critic: Mr. Taconovahumpashirerinkydinkyhamstermasterpollywollywannabingbangsupercalifragilisticknickknack-paddywackygivethedogabananafannafofrescahickorydickoryhockitypockitywockitywackangelinafrancesca the Third.
    Matthew Broderick: It's "Tatopoulos."
    Critic: Whatever.
  • Critic bailing out on a joke referring to Harry Shearer's character saying that the attack is 'the worst since the World Trade Center bombing'. This is the 1993 bombing that we're talking about.
  • Phillip's Jerry Lewis impression.
  • "So this should be the end of the movie, right? Noo, because Godzilla actually resurrect himself back to life!"
    Truly, he is the son of GODzilla.
  • The military is barraging the entangled Godzilla with all their firepower. Critic is eager to help.
    Use the anvil! *BAM* Use the ocean liner! *BA-A-AM* That's it! BRING IN THE SINK, BOYS!!!!*KABOOOM*
  • "You know, they outwit this thing just a few too many times. He breathes fire at them, they just turn around. He corners them in a tunnel, they just turn on their headlights. They get trapped inside his mouth... "Hey, got a quarter?" (manipulated footage to make it look like Godzilla is hacking them up; dubbed over with "ACK ACK!")
  • When Critic notes that the mayor and his aide are patterned after Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel:
    Critic: Apparently, Mayor Ebert is an anger-obsessed screamer who spends most of his time eating candy, while his aide Gene is a slimy little yes-man who blindly agrees with everything he says. Take ''that'', Siskel and Ebert! How dare you have an opinion! But, I don't get it. Why are they making fun of these two in the first place? They're like America's most-loved critics. Ohhh, maybe it's because they never gave thumbs up to any of your movies. Well, maybe if you got your thumbs out of your asses and started producing good films, we'd agree with you.

    Top 11 Disney Villains 
  • Critic about Cruella De Vil: "This is even worse than the time she opened up that new line of baby seal head necklaces! I'm pretty sure I saw Kanye West wearing one of those, too." [cut to shot of Kanye West with a baby seal head necklace photoshopped on]
  • Jafar's disguises:
    Critic: You see him as a wizard, you see him as an old man, you see him as a snake, you see him as a genie, and you even see him one point as a straight guy.
  • Shere Khan—
    Kirk: KHHHHAAAAAAAAN!
    Critic: Knock it off!
    • Then, with Kaa:
      Kirk: KHHHHAAAAAAAAN!
      Critic: I said "Kaa"!
  • All of Critic's fearful expressions when Mowgli refuses to run from Shere Khan.
  • Apparently, Lady Tremaine is bulletproof.
  • Critic makes fun of Jafar for not being able to kill a major character like Scar did.
    Critic: Where were you on that one, Jafar? Huh? Huh!?
    Jafar: You'll get what's coming to you.
    Critic: What's coming to me? What do you mean what's coming to me? I don't—
    (Jafar zaps the Critic, turning him into a dinosaur)
    Critic: Alright, that's not cool.
    • Later, Critic mocks Maleficent, who then turns him into a skull-creature.
      Critic: Here's an idea; stop insulting the rulers of darkness. That'll get you ahead in life.
  • The last line before his usual Catchphrase is pretty funny, in an twitchy way on how Critic twisted one of Disney's slogans:
    Critic: When you wish upon a star, EVIL WILL FIND YOU!
  • The post-credits scene of NC describing his possessed computer which is playing the audio from Ghostbusters (1984).

    Super Mario Bros. Super Show 

    Top 12 Greatest Christmas Specials 
  • The singing Christmas tree.
  • CHRISTMAAAS! CHRISTMASCHRISTMASCHRISTMASCHRISTMASCHRISTMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!

    Jingle All The Way 
  • At the beginning of the Jingle All the Way review, he mentions that the kid is played by Jake Lloyd.
    Critic: Jake Lloyd... hmm... now, where do I know that name?
    (Scare Chord as a poster for Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace zooms in on Anakin's face)
    Woaah-EEAAAGGGHHH-WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (runs off-screen, glass shatters) *thump* My god'', what a tall building!
  • This:
    Howard: Look sir, I'm in kind of a hurry.
    Critic: Oh, well, if you're in a "hurreh". Arnold tries to "hurreh ahp", but ultimately misses the ceremony.
  • When Howard misses Jamie's karate promotion and instead finds an empty gym with a janitor sweeping:
    Howard: I didn't make it.
    Critic: ...Thanks, Arnold. I never would've figured that out if you didn't say something. What is this, "movies for the blind"?! (in Arnold accent) "I'm walking down the hallway, I stop to catch my breath. I look into an empty gym to emphasize what a douchebag I am."
  • Critic being creeped out by Arnold's "Heartwarming" promise.
    Arnold: I'll be there... (slow, deep, threatening) I PROMISE.
  • When one of the clerks (played by Chris Parnell) razzes Howard:
    Clerk: Turbo Man's only the hottest selling Christmas toy ever, (makes goofy face) Duh!
    Critic: "And I think I'm having a psychotic episode, (makes goofier face) Duh! (laughs)
  • STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE, STAY AWAY FROM MY COOKIES, AND STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE'S COOKIES! OR I WILL DESTROY YOU! COOOOOOOOKIIIIIIEEEEEESSSS!!!
  • When Myron shows up again:
    Critic: (sarcastic) Oh, good. For a second there, I started tolerating the art of filmmaking.
    Myron: You and I, we the same kinda person, ain't we?
    Critic: Yeah, except he's successful and you're not.
  • This small bit:
    Guy: (getting in his car) They got a late delivery of Turbo Man at Toyworks!
    Critic: Gawd...
  • During the "lottery balls" scene: "DESTROY HIM! DESTROY HIM, THEN EAT HIM!!!"
  • Referring to Ahnuld as an "International Punchline."
  • This:
    Critic: Arnold searches for an appropriate response...
    Arnold: (turning to the reindeer) Fuck you, asshole.
  • The series of alternate one-liners he came up that Arnold could have said after he punched the reindeer. Classic examples include, "No more reindeer games.", "Hasta la vista, Rudolf." and "I'll be buck."
  • "Damn you!... Damn you!"
    • "Hello? My pizza's gonna be late? Damn you!"
  • At one point, Critic is delighted to come across a genuinely funny moment... which is ruined moments later due to poor handling, much to his frustration.
    Critic: YOU DID IT! YOU ACTUALLY DID IT! YOU RUINED THE ONLY FUNNY JOKE IN THE MOVIE, YOU JINGLE BALLS OF ASS! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
  • There's the part where he puts on a pirate hat and goes nuts.
  • Critic's heavy Lampshade Hanging over the Broken Aesop at the end, culminating with:
    "Jingle All The Way can jingle all the way to HELL!!!
  • Then he promises to assassinate Santa for the "terrible gift", starting with "You better not shout..."
    • Followed by the sound of Santa getting shot over the end credits.

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