Funny / The Nostalgia Chick 2010 Episodes

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Dragonheart

• "Hi, I'm your Nostalgia Chick, and is there anything more pimp than dragons?" "...well, maybe Sean Connery."
• "And have you ever heard of this score?" *the theme plays* "If you know where it's from, you've probably guessed based on the title of this review." *smug look*
• "He paved the way for true integration of CGI characters in feature films. Sometimes unfortunately." *shows Jar Jar Binks*
• Her reaction to seeing that Draco is voiced by Sean Connery.
  Connery: Bond. James Bond.
  The Nostalgia Chick: Heh, I just came!
  • Before that, her saying that she went through a dragon phase when she was eleven. Mostly fueled by Sean Connery's sexy voice.
• "I'd say that this was actually the best of the dragon movies. I'd also say that's not saying a lot."
• "Sean Connery. Lover. Fighter. Fuckin' dragon."
• Forget that, the James Bond opening animation in which James is replaced by a pimp-walking dragon who then shoots the guy looking at him through the barrel of a gun takes the cake.
• "It's pre-career Jason Isaacs!" *Isaacs speaks* "Pre...talent Jason Isaacs."

The Smurfette Principle

• The beginning, where she emits a big sigh and gives everyone a sulky wave.
• Especially when she introduces Optimus Prime's girlfriend-"Also she's PIIIINK!"
• And then introducing BlackArachnia, saying that she was actually a villain. "We know because she's not PIIIIINK."
• The flashback.
  Critic: Hey, congratulations, you got the job!
  Chick: Hey, that's great, hooray for life! *Thumbs up* :D
  Critic: Oh yeah, you'll love it! You'll be just like me, only female!
  Chick: D:
  Critic: Alright! Later, bye! God, I'm awesome.
  • "Eh, it pays the bills."
• Bemoaning how women suck. "I don't know how we stand us."

Titanic

• "The nineties left us with a plethora of questions; questions about NAFTA, why does Roland Emmerich keep making movies, whatever became of those Hanson Boys?"
• Her saying right off at the bat that this episode isn't about the animated musical.
• Making James Cameron into a Memetic Badass.
• "What does that even mean? Your heart will go where?"
• Comparing Titanic (1997) to Terminator 2: Judgment Day and True Lies. "One of these things is not like the other."
• Pointing at the screen with a devilish smirk when she's talking about guys "hating" the movie; "You saw it. You know you saw it."
• Regarding the backlash: "It was strong. It was fierce. *claps her hands* "And was anyone surprised?"
• The Chick wondering about the hate surrounding Céline Dion.
  Chick: Why is she so easy to hate? Is is because of her big, weird head? Is it because she's Canadian? [a picture of Canada with the caption "EASY TARGET" flashes onscreen] Or it could just be that you couldn't escape the damn thing. Run down a street, duck into a gas station, it was coming after you. Duck into a McDonald's, it saw you, oh, and it's coming there too. It's coming, with wind-blown hair, and gaudy sequinned Canadian gowns!
  Celine Dion: YOOOOOOOOU'RE HEEEEEERE...
  • And then later, she is actually drowned out by the song as she tries to conclude the video.
• Her almost shell-shocked look when she remembers "Leo Mania".
  • "Why did he have to be so damned cute?"
• "How dare you quote a line from your movie when you win an award? Grr."
• How happy she is to see Billy Zane hamming it up.
• "...there's a market for catchphrases."
• The disgust at the "I'm flying" line. "No. No you're not."
• *SNAP* "There. You just lost your male demographic."

My Little Pony

• Playing Lady Gaga's "Love Game" in the background. You know, "I wanna take a ride on your disco stick"? Soundtrack Dissonance, ahoy!
• "All little girls go through a HORSIE phase. And Hasbro knew this, and exploited it well, evil geniuses that they are."
• While talking about the show versus The Transformers: "...we got oddly proportioned horse beasts with tattoos representing their names on their asses." She sounds so bitter.
  • Morphing a rearing horse into a "an alien creature with soft, rounded corners, pastel colors and eyes that are big enough to swallow its head".
• "What did they all do in Pony Valley? Besides get catty, have fights and, I dunno... walk around, defecate, things ponies do.
• Pointing out that she probably sold her ponies for lipstick and tweezers.
• Coining the term "wo-Manchild" for Nella.
• "No wonder why there's no understanding between the sexes."
• "There's like a whole movement of grown women who paint the asses of ponies."
• How she's too lazy to do more than go on Wikipedia to learn about the show.
• "Haha, she's fat."
• Identifying with the antagonist daughters because her mother made her feel inadequate.
  Chick: Mama, why can't you love us?
• Chick staring into the abyss of Lickety Split and Spike's full frontal open mouths.
• Her impression of the seaponies:
  Chick: Oh my god, what are you worm-horse-wing-things? It looks like it hurts to be you!
• The ponies' cheeriness about the witches.
  Pony: *Cheerily* It's the witches from the Volcano of Gloom!
  Chick: *Also cheerily* It's the coven from the Geyser of Malaise!
• "AND WHAT'S WITH YOUR DEMON EYES!?"
• The picture of a drunk man passed out face first in a urinal when she bemoans that she keeps dating alcoholics.
• All of Nella's melodrama, partly because of her tone of voice while explaining it and the background music.
  ...who cried herself to sleep at night because she was in a loveless marriage, and their spawn was Appletree. You can tell because he has trees and apples, which is a combination of the two horses. He did not realize that his mother was living and trapped in a loveless marriage because he was wee and did not understand the horrors and pains of life. You had the schoolteacher, who also was a whore with a heart of gold, and all the little ponies loved her, because she was sweet and had a heart of gold even though she was a whore.

  • Said school teacher looks a lot like the current Cheerilee.
  • Also Hilarious in Hindsight. The new show is a Played for Laughs Dysfunction Junction with every main pony having at least one huge breakdown in what's been yet only one season.
  • "In the land of ponies, Clydesdale equals Budweiser equals men. Because only men are man enough to drink that watery horse-piss called beer."
  • Her confusion over a weird-looking pony:
  Nella: Seriously, what is this? It's like if My Little Pony was Flintstone'd.
  • "...is that a camera?"
  • "You put a camera in my room at my parent's house." It's like she's realizing what she's gotten herself into.
  • "When it's your semesters, I am a FREE. AUTONOMOUS. NELLA."
    • How completely and utterly oblivious the Chick is to Nella's rage. And how when "My Little Ponies" are mentioned, Nella goes fangirl and forgets she was ever angry.
    • The Chick's "WTF" headtilt when the fangirling happens.

Showgirls

• "It's a perfect storm of shit!"
• Her theory that it's so terribly bad that it has to be an art film. And after, trying to tell herself that "it's a profound, political statement that all of us are just too obtuse to try and understand."
• "What is, on the surface, a sort of womansploitation epic that shows no working knowledge of not only female behavior but human behavior in general is really a feminist polemic. It is satire at its purest and most clever form; so clever that we don't get it. Nobody gets it!"
• "Geddit? No-Mi I'm alone. Genius!" The almost manically sarcastic delivery makes it.
• "You know, we like her because she's tough and treats everyone like shit. And has long since overcome her crippling caffeine pill addiction from Saved by the Bell."
• Trying to figure out where Nomi came from and settling on being pulled from the thigh of Zeus.
• Her confused "Whaat?" to the sleazy guy telling Nomi "sooner or later you're gonna have to sell it!".
  • "Fuck, he's right! I gotta go sell it!"
  • "Should we even bother keeping track of the 'what'?"
• "Ketchup the fuck out of those fries!"
  • "All I have are these fries!"
• After the "friendly black lady" goes inside and strips immediately: "I knew it! I knew this is what it was like! ...wait, I am female."
• Only being able to call her "crack team" humans.
• "I do it for you, people."
• The re-enactment of the NC-17 scenes is gold.
  • Especially the lapdance re-enactment! It essentially boils down to P-Cash, a bloke with a pair of fake breasts making vague thrusting and backside-wiggling motions in front of uncomfortable-looking, sitting Elisa, and all the while he's holding a holding copy of 'Opera For Dummies'!
  • "There's something wrong with your nipples. I'm erect: why aren't they erect?"
  P-Cash: [breaking] Director, this is really going too far!
  Chick: P-Cash, play with your titties!
  • Nella having to wear a very tiny silver bikini. (Over her t-shirt, of course.)
• Use of boobies (as in, the bird) as a censor bar.
  • "Ha ha, Visual Pun... no."
• Elisa being passed over for the various parts by all of her friends and some guy who was just passing by after stealing a computer. The Chick's total obliviousness to this last bit is hilarity.
• "I just really hate your car!"
• "We're going to the lazer light show! Sieze, bitch!"
• And this gem...

  Everybody got AIDS and shit!

  Everybody got AIDS... and shit!

  • The Nostalgia Chick throwing that line in wherever she can.
    "Everybody, everything, it has AIDS! This bench, it has AIDS!"
    "I see you got AIDS and shit!"
    "She's got AIDS and shit!"
• This line:
  Al: "It must be weird not having people cum on you."
  Chick: (long pause) "It is."
  • And just beforehand, her deeply sarcastic disbelief that a man wrote that.
• After Elizabeth Berkley kisses Gina Gershon...
  Chick: "Wow, we both taste like Kyle MacLachlan's dick!"
• No mention of Nella's scenery-chewing song at the end yet?
• "I think ice is a symbol of oppression in this movie or something... I dunno."
• On the "doggy chow" scene: "How does this guy have such piercing insight into the female psyche?"
• "So the movie's over?" *perkily turns to leave* "Oh, I guess not, nobody's been raped yet."
• "So consensual our sex will be as long as you don't rape me!"
• Proposing one of the characters shove a female dancer down a flight of stairs (that he impregnated) and hope for the best.
• The re-enactment of the rape scene, with Nella shouting, "YEAH! RAPE!" gleefully.
• Rapescapades.
• When Molly is raped by Not-Michael-Bolton, she is offered a dress shop to keep quiet about it. The Chick suggests "The Rape Hut" as a name.

Blonde Girls Now And Then

• The beginning, where she tells everyone in a very caring, motherly tone that "it's okay" to love shitty music.
• The Chick's goofy dancing. All of it.
• The Chick imagining Mick Jagger, after hearing the line "And the dudes are lining up/'Cause they think we got swagger/But we kick them to the kerb unless they look like Mick Jagger".
  • Wondering if Ke$ha even knows what Mick Jagger looks like.
• "And I called Britney 'Titney' because I thought I was clever and I was wildly jealous of her fame and success and wealth and all that."
  • Even funnier now that we've seen flashbacks of young Chick as a wangsty, fat Emo Teen who listens to The Phantom of the Opera and Limp Bizkit.
• "Thank God I had all those cameras installed in her room!"
• "Some of us want to have sex, albeit non-promiscuously, and some of us want to love you forever!" *cue Jessica Simpson belting*
• Calling Jessica Simpson a virtuous cocktease.
• Nella dancing in her room with a fedora on her head. Also quite awesome.

Ever After

• "As you may know, sometimes I like to spy on my BFF Nella because she entertains me. I do this by installing cameras in her bedroom. And while this may not shock you, sometimes she likes to dress up and pretend she's a princess." The funniest thing about it is the delivery, it's like this is such an every day occurrence instead of a gross invasion of Nella's private space.
• Nella's "princessing" involving bragging to a guy on the phone about bragging that she's going to kick his ass in archery and drinking him under the table again.
• "But what does it mean to be a princess? That you are treated like delicate royalty or that you are a monarch that wields power... or at least you will when your mother and/or father dies."
• Nella's fairy tale:
  "Once upon a time, in a land far far away, called... Side-kickassia-"
  "There lived a Princess named Nella, and though she was homely and on the... voluptuous side, she was quite intelligent! Oh yes."
• Her expressed irritation at the Cinderella story being told "over and over and over".
• Her complaints about Bella being an Audience Surrogate and The Twilight Saga in general become hilarious when you watch the Lupa crossover and find out she's on Team Edward.
• While talking about Cinderella being overly perfect: "Her character traits are that she's nice. And she's pretty!"
• Playing "Paranoid Android" (specifically the "rain down on me" part) while discussing Cindy's passivity.
• "She's so passive she won't even tell us what she wants!"
• "Oh God, it's six in the morning and that bitch is singing again..."
• On Cinderella III: "Agh, Jesus fuck, you insipid twat. Please stop making them money!"
• Nella, decked out for Renn Faire and armed with a sword: "For Side-Kickassia! And geekery!" *Races off screen*

Grease

• The entire makeover of Nella. The entire thing.
  • But just to name a single Crowning Moment: the Makeover Fairy, after trying in vain to find suitable makeup to cover Nella's homely features, gleefully eyes a paper bag.
  Chick: You can't just paper bag your problems away!
  • The slightly sadistic glee that the Chick has while watching her friend getting tort- groomed.
  • The wide-eyed cheerful look on the Makeover Fairy as she aims the egg beater at Nella's face.
    • After rejecting the clothing iron and the hammer.
  • "The only way you're getting this Trek shirt is if you cut it off my dead, cold, stiff body!" *cut to Nella looking miserable and the Makeover Fairy throwing it on the floor*
• "You dated another girl! Unpure!"
• Sally's realization that Danny *ahem* respects her followed with several seconds of canned laughter.
• "Oh great, another FUCKING camera."
• "I made a wish for you! And it came true!" Slightly terrifying, totally hilarious.
  • The Makeover Fairy appearing from what looks like a load of glitter.
• "The content is about as flimsy as the film covering John Travolta's hair."
• "High school, cast of Grease'? Really?" Followed by a montage of the actors' ages to the tune of Spanish Flea.
  • "Maybe he pointed out that she had a wrinkle or a gray hair or something."

Dune

• The entire thing. Especially the role-playing conversation between David Lynch and the terrified studio.
  Terrified Studio: Hey David Lynch how much does this cost? What the f*&% is this thing? What purpose does this serve in out two hour monstrosity?
• "Y'know I'm so glad this bit is in the movie guys... or I'd be so lost. All my questions are pretty much answered here."
• [Expressionless Beat] "...So that happens."
• "Gah! Why? Why did I choose to review Dune? I just wanted to understand! I thought I could understand! And also Patrick Stewart."
• "Hi, I'm your Nostalgia Chick, and you're about to see Sting in a galactic speedo."
  • And the faces she pulls whenever the clip is shown.
• PARTY WORM!
  • HARKONNENS NOT INVITED!
• "This is genocide, and here's the definition of genocide!"
• "The spice. Must. Flow."

Hercules

• The video description: "Drink, drink and be merry!"
• Calling her team her extended family, when really everyone (except for Nella) treats each other like crap.
• "And you'll be shlockered you won't even remember your own name." *big creepy grin*
• "And though an elaborate series of grunts and whines, I will attempt to share it with you."
• Telling all the people who bitch about the movie not being accurate to go stuff a ballgag in their mouth and sit in the corner.
  Chick: It's a kid's movie. They can't show Zeus banging everything with a hole in it as part of Hercules's noble beginnings.
• Playing the Rocky music while she describes how Hercules kills Megara and their children, brought on by a rage induced by his mother. Bonus for pausing on a scene where the mother has a really teeth-baring smile.
• Being surprised that during the training montage, Herc didn't run up a flight of stairs.
• "He's like a puppy! We're meant to be endeared by his simpleness!"
• "Mongo only pawn in game of life."
• Sarcastically going "our hero" when Hercules punches Hades out.
• Her confused, increasingly upset calls for an explanation of the Plot Holes, as well as using Chirping Crickets.

  [on the bottle of death] "Where did you get that? I said where did you get that? What is that? Why is there a limited quantity of it? Why have you been hoarding this thing that can kill your hated enemy at any time? Wha-what is this room of god-death bottle pink juice? Eh, maybe that's Hades's plot device room.

  "Hey, hey movie. Movie! Where are you going? Come back, plot! Listen to me! Why isn't anybody listening to me?!"

  • Matching up a defeated "Oh, fuck it" with a clip of Hades rolling his eyes.
• "And where was Poseidon for this? Eh, maybe he was drinking a martini."
  • And of course, she specifically says this while there is an arrow pointing to Poseidon drinking something.
• Calling Hades Meg's "gay boyfriend."
• The Morning After after the girls get completely wasted. All of it.
  • Especially Nella who, although seemingly content with waking up to a tribble next to her, freaks out when she learns it's actually a bunny.
  • Also, The Stinger where Nella is getting lipstick smeared all over her face while passed out.

Playing God

• Nella's pun at the beginning. "I am a mad scientist. In fact, I'm furious!"
  • "Now technically I'm an engineer."
  • "I'm Dr. Tease, and I think science is frivolous and fun."
  • Dr. Tease growling sexily in Dr. Block's direction, after the latter just insulted her.
  • Nella hamming it up while Dr. Tease nonchalantly does her nails for her.
  Dr. Tease: You have a hangnail.
• That poor robot of hers...
  • "What is the meaning of life? I'm so alone." Added bonus is the Chick's "WTF" expression.
  • "And in my case it's creating a walking, dish-doing, intelligent, fuckable coffeepot!" Followed by her sighing happily.
  Chickbot: "I was not God's will!"
  Chick: "I'm not paying you to talk."
  Chickbot: "Mistress does not pay me at all..."
  Chick: "Shut up, top me off and drop trou. These nuts ain't going to bust themselves."
  • Her grinning two-thumbs up after Dr. Tease says she built the Sex Slave robot for her.
  Dr. Block: Why would you make something so... wrong?"
  • Calling her TV remote a robot-controlling tazer.
  • The bizarreness of her trying to feed him coffee.
  • Slapping the robot when it tries to call her a hypocrite. She also slaps it for no reason before the point "Never trust a robot".
• Saying she's doing this episode so that nobody will bring on the zombie apocalypse.
  • "Just try to make sure it doesn't reanimate the dead."
• "But just make sure you don't have a Hitler-like personality that will go all mad with power the second you get promoted to middle management."
• "And if you're young and relatable instead of old, cracked and scary, eh, you're probably going to end up better off."
• Complaining about Ang Lee's Hulk movie:
  Chick: Nor can I particularly see what's going on but I think that's a good thing.
• Don't put your dick in it. :(
  • And the almost guilty look she shoots her robot the first time she says that.
  • At the end of the section, her main thought is "but once it seems to benefit me, if not my unholy abomination sisters". You want to elaborate on that last part, Chick?
• "Where did you learn your science ethics, sir? The University of Mengele?"

Nostalgia Chick Labs

• Lindsay making fun of her schedule slip by stuffing a pillow up her shirt and her hair looking like she's crawled out of hibernation.
  Chick: It's been a rough few months.
• Saying her team have been working around the clock to give you the best online media that you have ever seen, either on a handi cam or a flip mino.
• Nella's lesson on identifying evil. Also some awesome foreshadowing:
  • Redheads with goatees = Lord MacGuffin was the main catalyst for Nella's death.
  • The color green = Dark Nella shoots green lightning.
• During Nella's lecture, Lord MacGuffin gets rather funny offended looks on his face when she mentions both redheads and facial hair, of course.
• When Nella discusses how green is evil, Dr. Block tries to find the color on a disinterested Dr. Tease.
• More foreshadowing as the Makeover Fairy applies lipstick to a roofied Nella while Lord MacGuffin starts injecting her with macguffins and Brian the Sexual Predator prepares to whip it out.
• The return of "paaaaaaink!"
• The whole "Rapping About Rape" segment:
  Brian: What about rapping about ra-[NELLA PUNCH!]
• At the end, Nella complains about the Makeover Fairy insulting her. The Makeover Fairy responds by breaking the fourth wall and reminding Nella that she's not writing her lines.

The Man In The Iron Mask

• Her waking up in a room filled with empty beer bottles and Cheetos.
  • Her being so out of it that her vision is blurred.
• Nella's "Now Lindsay, don't take this the wrong way... but you sound fat."
• The Chick being a complete Bad Liar and not being able to come up with any witty response.
• Nella's total meltdowning rage at the whole "eating cheetos and drinking beer for the past four months" thing.
• Her top being inside-out.
• That genuinely disturbing◊ face she makes when she's successfully bullshitted her way through what she's going to talk about today.
• "This was before that Scorsese clown got a hold of him and made him all 'legit actor' or whatever."
• "I think you had to be a certain type to enjoy this film: either a thirteen year old girl or the kind who likes ham."
• Her reaction to "The Three Musketeers", the Disney live-action film:
  Chick: Woah, there are like... people in this movie.
• Calling much attention to Leo's bishie-like face.
  Chick: He's like the least inbred-looking royal ever.
• All her making fun of the Draco in Leather Pants phenomenon, as well as fangirls in general.
• Her description of John Malkovich's acting modes: Acting, "Malkovich Malkovich", and Angry Olive Garden Patron Who Over-Enunciates Every-Thing He Says.
• "Well fine, I'm going to play a lovable old curmudgeon on Fox."
• "Guys, the weirdo is strangling the king, y'wanna like, help the king? These guys are just standing there like 'Hmm, maybe we should do something.'"
• "The king doesn't care that she taken, and one day traps her in his majesty's...rape fountains."
• Nella at the end: "Are you fat? Or have you just been stuffing pillows up your shirt again?"

Rise Of The Eyebrow

• Just before Nella pops up, Chick stroking her chin (even though she's very obviously beardless) wondering where she's seen the Tangled poster expression before.
• Nella freaking out the Chick (for once!) by popping out of nowhere and engaging in full Genki Girl mode.
  Chick: ...how did you get in here?
  *more fangirl!Nella*
  Chick: ...how did you get on this coast?
  • And then the Chick pretty much copying N. Bison and acting like "Disney needing competition" was all her idea while Nella looks sad.
• It turning out that the only reason Nella came was to get Lindsay to go with her to Disneyland. The Chick's Death Glare is priceless.
• Wondering how DreamWorks would market their theme park. "The most Jack Black-iest place on earth?"
• As soon as Nella says "dance party", some disco music^note Specifically, "September" by Earth, Wind and Fire starts and the women enthusiastically dance.
• The animation about Disney falling in the 70's and DreamWorks being like a monster-y hurricane.
• The terrified Creator Worship of Jeffery Katzenberg.
  Nella: You are a God amongst men.
  Chick: Please don't hurt us.
  • The back and forth about whether he quit or resigned, and the Dramatic Thunder when they say he vowed revenge.
• The blink-and-you'll-miss-it caption "People are racist" when the Chick says that The Princess and the Frog tanked for a few reasons.
• The assertion that the two kids in the Tangled poster are fucking "like two squirrels in a sock".
• Motor Mouth-ing what Megamind was really about.
• Nella after realizing there's a Puss in Boots prequel:
  "Damn you, star! I didn't wish upon you...and it's not even night-time."
• Chick's obnoxious boredom at Disneyland in contrast to Nella's genki excitement. (Of course she cracks at the end.)

Dualing Movies

• The title card with the Will Smith fish backing her up against the picture's frame.
• "Hi, I'm your Nostalgia Chick, and a very merry... end of the fiscal year to you."
• Her holding of A Glass of Chianti.
• "And the unholy abomination that is Dreamworks... Animation. [beat] I didn't mean to rhyme that."
• Disney is crafted out of princesses, dreams and fear.
• The hilariously cold comment:
  Chick: Nobody likes puns, Disney, come on.
  Nella: [hurt] ...Nella likes puns.
  Chick: As I was saying, nobody likes puns.
  Nella: [Slopes away like a beaten dog.]
• How only a few minutes of Shark Tale manages to completely break her mind.
  Chick: Leave my dreams, Will Smith fish!
  Chick: Will Smith fish, it isn't time for you yet!
  • Her total disgust when she actually has to talk about it.
• Nella going off to cry at the end is sad, but it's also made hilarious by the Chick's oblivious, dorky dancing.
• Introducing Shrek with ominious drums on the soundtrack.
  • Getting worked up over ranting about her hatred for the movie and having to tell herself to not get angry.
• "Begone, minion!" Nella's confused expression is golden. And so is the Chick's perkiness afterwards.
• The Beat and the look on her face after she says the first DreamWorks movie was Aladdin.
• The reference to The Thief and the Cobbler: "Looks like someone stole someone else's idea oh-ho-ho!"
• Calling Robin Williams a schizophrenic crackbaby.
• Seeing the Chick bored out of her mind at Disney, even picking her nose, while Nella is filled with childlike wonder.
• Trying so hard to get back to her analytical, collected style of reviewing after Shrek makes her angry and Shark Tale drives her crazy.
• "Disney, they ripped you off and they did it better than you. That is sad."
• "This is what happens when a bunch of white shut-ins try to be hip. And do so with fish."