Funny / The Nostalgia Chick 2008 Episodes

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Pocahontas

• Her so-very-superior first line ever: "I, like most of the world, am an American." Almost an Establishing Character Moment when you think about the character's now long-standing Small Name, Big Ego.
  • "And what's more American than sanitizing your own history to the point where it's no longer recognizable? PUPPIES!"
• "Did you ever wonder what constitutes a 'blue corn moon'?" *picture of a moon with a corn-on-the-cob on top of it*
• "Would you like to just outright deny centuries of repression and genocide?" *picture of native Americans being forced out with an imposed smiley face like a sun* "Then have we got a movie for you!"
• Her grinning-yet-snarky "sure" after she says that the people who worked on this were expecting it to be as popular as Beauty and the Beast.
• Pointing out the irony of anti-Semite Mel Gibson being in a movie about tolerance.
• "John Smith, or as his crew mates call him 'Captain Amazing', is a man so potent he has to get on to the boat while riding a giant phallic symbol."
• The Breathless Non Sequitur:
  Chick: "Also, Pocahontas was twelve."
• "Man, that John Smith is awesome. It's like the historical John Smith wrote the screenplay."
• Making fun of the Gilligan Cut:
  John Smith: I've seen hundreds of new worlds, Thomas. What could possibly be different about this one?
  Chick: I don't know, maybe that's where the opening credits are.
  *sure enough, the credits start and the Chick looks smug*
  Chick: Seven minutes into the movie... And this is a Disney movie, so this is like ten percent of the movie.
• Responding to the chief's question of where Poca is:
  Chick: I don't know Russell Meins, maybe she's standing atop her favorite five hundred foot cliff, while florescent leaves swirl all around her boooooody.
• Her reaction to the first appearance of Pocahontas. *fanning herself* "Dayum!"
• "Pocahontas, who seems to be an expert at posing dramatically, doesn't seem to have any real ethnicity of which to speak. She doesn't look particularly Native American. Mostly, she just looks like a kind of aethnic mush of unparalleled hotness."
• The Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick line, complete with Aside Glance at the end:
  Chick: Her design was based off the looks of models like Naomi Campbell, Christie Turlington, Barbie... and Janice from The Muppets.
• The beginnings of her Pretty Fly for a White Guy characterization.
  Best Friend: Oh, he is so handsome.
  Chick: "Mmm-hmm, girlfriend!"
• "If you're wondering where her mother is, remember that this is a Disney movie, and Disney Movies usually have... PUPPIES!" *picture of puppies with the words 'PLEASE DON'T SUE ME, DISNEY'*
• Screaming in fright when the "matronly willow tree" talks.
• "Nothing says villainy quite like little pink bows on your pigtails!"
• "Ratcliffe's here to teach that all of our problems come from one guy being a greedy douchebag."
• Sulking when Ratcliffe wants gold instead of puppies.
• Her reaction to the most blatant lyrics in the "Savages" song: "They are not like you and me/ which means they must be evil!"
  "Holy shit, Disney! You've inserted your giant magical cock into my ear and FUCKED MY MIND!"
• Her falling over (and off the screen) in boredom when Pocahontas and John have their stare-off. "Ow."
• Her mocking of Wiggins. "Cheerio and all that wot!"
• "Right down to the time they stole our bowl of cherries! Those redskin bastards."
• "Clearly, these strangers stage elaborate musical numbers and do what white people do best: Blow. Shit. Up."
• The "WTF" reaction shot when the language barrier gets sorted out. "I'd like to thank the raccoon for channeling the audience's reaction."
• "Thank you, Admiral Theme-Stater!"
• "...why is genocided not a verb?"
• "...didn't this movie win an award for its songs...? Ooh, puppies!"
  • The caption on the puppy picture:
  "DISNEY DESERVES ALL THE AWARDS"
• The entire "running to save your honey/execute the boyfriend/kill the savages" scene, where she directs everyone so they can make it more epic.
• The over-dramatic "surprised" expression she makes when Ratcliffe tries to shoot Chief Powhatan, complete with smacking her hands to her cheeks.
• The manic grinning she does for most of the review. Ask That Guy with the Glasses would be proud.
• The hilariously racist credit note. "The Indians wiped their own selves out."

Teen Witch

• "Here's a couple of things nobody ever wanted to think about again. The eighties, and your teenage years!"
• Doing a Beautiful All Along moment set to "Like A Virgin" and then subverting it by making herself look like an 80's entertainer. Followed by an exaggeratedly scary Slasher Smile.
• The stick figure teenage girl losing her "I've got boobs!" smile as she gains all the problems listed below.
• This formula: "we start with an uncontrollable bag of hormones, add some daddy issues, some extreme self-centered short-sightedness, obsession with social status and you have a teenage girl." Even funnier now that we've seen teenage!Chick.
  • "Now divide this by the eighties and you get a much more horrifying picture." And we do.
• "No, no, no, the other Darrin. Quality."
• Her Valley Girl-esque "eww" at all the fur in Teen Wolf.
  • "Our protagonist is like, awwwkward, and we're like totally supposed to relate to that."
• The first instance of the Running Gag with her tracing a tear down her cheek at wangst in a movie.
• "Hate to tell you, screenwriters, but that's not relatable, that's creepy."
• "...did anyone see the three white guys rapping in the hallway?"
• Her puppy popping her nose up intermittently.
• "Stop, movie! You're trying way too hard!"
• "[80s movies] weren't so much about plot as much as "finding yourself" or... something. Oh, and having a boyfriend."
• "OH MY GOD HE'S GOT GLASSES!"
• "What are you doing?! This movie is whiter than Pride and Prejudice!"
  • And later: "If this movie were any whiter, it'd be transparent!"
• "Condom! Condom! Condom!"
• Her expression◊ upon seeing the... cheer.
  • "Oh, Christ."
  • "Movie, seriously! What's going on?"
  • "You've starting singing and you're dancing off without me!"

Anastasia

• The beginning:
  Hello, I'm your Nostalgia Chick, and my glasses have been taken by Communists. *Hammer and sickle pops up with scary music* "But it's okay 'cos I got new ones."
• The Brick Joke on the credit screen:
  My glasses were actually stolen by a drug dealer named Kiki.
• This Take That!:
  Chick: "Now when we think of countries with political histories that make your brain hurt, what is the first one that comes to mind? ...aside from mine."
  • "Russia! Now with 50% less communism."
• Calling Anastasia's name Russian for "walking over logs".
• This:
  Grandmother: But a dark force descended over the house of the Romanovs.
  Chick: Communism?
  Grandmother: His name was Rasputin.
  Chick: ...Rasputin, of course! So he's responsible for the communism!
• "Yaaaay, Russia was awesome! For the obscenely wealthy!"
• Talking about the first World War and putting a sad face on "all by its lonesome" Russia in a map.
• All the calls from historical figures complaining about the movie, but especially the first one, when Lenin calls her up to tell her that he led the October Revolution, and the Romanovs were overthrown in the February Revolution.
  Chick: Ooooh. Jesus, how many of those things do you guys have?
  Lenin: Well, is Russia. Usually have them on Tuesdays, right before bingo and shuffleboard.
  • Confusing Lenin with Lennon.
  • The Chick's confused Aside Glance when Rasputin (played so obviously by a certain Mr. Walker) tells her he just wanted a Russia filled with flowers and sunshine.
• The pictures accompanying her description of the historical Rasputin's trope-namingly ridiculous death.
• *sniff* "Michael Bay would be proud."
• After Sigmund Freud slips on a Banana Peel:
  Heheh. Get it, banana. *split-second image of a banana with the word "PENIS."*
• "Do the right thing, karma will get you laid!"
• "In Soviet Russia, Chick remembers you!"
• All of Rasputin's phone calls pointing out the historical inaccuracies.
  • One of them being him saying that he never made a deal with Dark Forces, and the Chick asks how he's calling from beyond the grave and points out that he's calling from a Chicago area code.
    • And then he finishes up by hitting on her, which is actually rather in-character for the historical Rasputin.

He-Man And She-Ra

• "Here's a useful bit of advice. If you succeed with one demographic, try, try, try again with the other."
• Calling He-Man so ripped he really shouldn't be able to move.
• This lovely bit of Hypocritical Humor:
  Chick: And besides, who's going to be interested in a female character who is pretty shamelessly a knock-off of her already popular male counterpart? Heh..." *sulk*
  • And if you want to be sappy, looking back at it now, this is a Moment of Awesome for Lindsay. The Nostalgia Chick is one of the most interesting, flawed female characters around, is just as complicated as the Critic and they both complement each other in all sorts of ways. A nice feat for an internet reviewer who joked near the beginning of her career that she was just a knock-off.
• "Yes, this film got a theatrical release."
• "She lives on the planet Etheria, not to be confused with Eternia. Fights the evil Hordak, not to be confused with Skeletor."
• The cringing at the "Ambiguously Gay Duo" and condescendingly saying she's more progressive than that, leading to...
• Wondering how gay He-Man can be, with this sequence popping up.
  He-Man: A work of art like my famous spice bread takes time, Cringer.
  *A caption reading One minute into the movie. appears.*
  Nostalgia Chick: *mouth wide open*.......
• And just when she's recovered from this, she meets Bow. She's immediately rendered speechless by his cape removal, the heart-shaped emblem on his chest, the pink owl koala with the rainbow ears...
  Nostalgia Chick: ...well, anyway, he's a part of the Great Rebellion...
  Bow: *poses, arms wide* The Great Rebellion. *two notes play*
  Nostalgia Chick: ...and he takes him back to meet the RebeJesus Christ!
  *Bow and Adam are riding the same horse, touching, Adam's hands on Bow's hips*
  Nostalgia Chick: Why don't you hold his hips just a little more tenderly!? I mean- *puts hand over mouth*
• "You know what? Fuck it. WE'RE OFF TO THE PRIDE PARADE!"
  • All of her Not So Above It All moments in that review. Poor thing tried so hard but it was great fun to see her fail miserably.
• Trying to dance along to the theme song while perkily pointing out all the shitty rhymes.
• "We only had five minutes to knock out this screenplay, sorry!"
• "Mark, John and Steve: the evil minions."
• After Hordak's mishap with his rocket form...
  Chick: Don't worry, honey; you'll get better at it with age.
• Her frozen, barely-suppressing-her-rage smile at the fact that She-Ra can now heal animals.
  Chick: Movie, could you please end before she starts walking on water!
• All of her hammily epic mocking of the show's catchphrase:
  • "By the honor of plot holes, I have the plot device!"
  • "By the honor of pep talks!"
  • "For the honor of hygiene!"
• Her angry scream at yet another fake-out.
  Chick: Christ Almighty! This movie has more fake-outs than Return of the King!
• The face she makes when She-Ra displays yet another hidden power, this time the ability to to magically heal others.

Hocus Pocus

• The beginning. She's all gothed up, creepy music's playing and it turns out that the movie she's reviewing is... a Disney film that has a virgin obsession.
  Chick: Greetings, internet denizens. It is I, your Nostalgia Chick, and what is the most sinister, the most pervasive, the most terrifying threat to America this Halloween? Virgins.
  Chick: As in... post pubescent people who have not had sex yet. *nod*
• The Dramatic Thunder whenever she says "virgin". Towards the end, she's obviously just during it for funsies.
• "What are you doing if you're still in high school and still a virgin?"
• All the shock about this movie being made for kids:
  Chick [about "child-friendly witches"]: And by that, I mean this movie was made for children. I think.
  Chick: First plot point? Death of a child!
  Chick [when the bus runs over the cat]: This is a kids' movie, right?
• All the puns about Thackary's name.
  Chick: I think Thackary thas a thit. Doesn't help that he lives in such a theolous town. *winces* Sorry.
  • Thanks for helping me see the connection between zealous and theology!
• "Cos California has hippies and hippies just love tye-dye!"
• "Californiaism is a pretty good reason to make fun of people."
  • Noticing that the "bullies" look far more stereotypically hippie than the main character.
• "...actually I'm from Virginia."
• This bit:
  Max: [hugging his pillow] Oh, Allison.
  Chick: Christ, no wonder he's a virgin.
• Her constant calling the little sister a "beastly child".
  Chick: Beastly child proceeds to run her beastly mouth.
  Chick: [after the 'Yabbos' talk] I would say wrong decade, beastly child, but more like wrong century. Maybe even wrong language.
• "Fuckin' virgins man, why do we even have them?"
• Making fun of Sarah Jessica Parker's Typecasting and constant Informed Attractiveness.
• "Please don't refer to the child as an hors d’oeuvre, I'm pretty sure that's illegal in most states."
• Making fun of the crew's nonchalance of the cat talking.
  Max: Hey, he talks.
  Chick: *shrugs* Sure, why not?
• "Well, Sarah Jessica Parker, maybe you could help him with that whole virgin problem."
• The funniest shocked face ever is the one she makes after the line, "WHOAA...SPEED bump!".
  Chick: No! 'Scuse me, I still need about a year to recover from the massive trauma of seeing my cat die again. *cries*
• Her Squee over "Dougie! Doug Jones. Player of all things that require at least four hours of make-up."
• "Virgins!" *shaking her fist at the sky*
• "Well, this Halloween if you're still a virgin, stop it!"

Top Eleven Villainesses

• The Applied Mathematics "women = evil" at the beginning.
  Chick: Eh, you get the idea.
• Her subversion of the Critic's catch-phrase:
  Chick: Why top 11?
  Guy from Spinal Tap: ...these go to eleven.
• Calling Mirage the only sexy Aladdin villain "unless you're weird and want to count Jafar".
• The Take That! to furries:
  Chick: Not that there's anything wrong with that?
  *she gives a Death Glare as a red caption pops up saying "YES THERE IS"*
• "Why the hell does she have a cat head? Who cares?"
• The caption for Mirage's motivation: JUST KIND OF EVIL.
• Her hammy impersonation of Rita Repulsa. Considering how camp Rita is, it's quite a feat to chew more scenery than her.
  Chick: She's here to make us hurt, ain't she?
  Chick!Repulsa: I shall send my useless villains to defeat the worthless Power Rangers!
  Chick!Repulsa: Curses! I shall now take a small thing and make it large!
• Describing Angelica in a Shaped Like Itself way: "She's little more than a Spoiled Brat who channels all her Spoiled Brat energy into being an annoying antagonist."
• Her obvious girl!crush on Carmen Sandiego.
  Chick: Not to mention that amazing hat. I want it!
  Chick: Why is the world's greatest thief so hot? And is she even wearing anything under that coat?
• Fangasming over "Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego?".
  Chick: Wherever she is, it must be in the land of epic.
• The dogs from 101 Dalmatians having to stare at her sadly for a while before she gives in and does her usual "PUPPIES!".
• "I hate this movie. I really do. I sold my soul for a vagina and a man I don't know!"
• "It's not like there's pictures of me dressed as [this villain] floating around the internet or anything [pained expression]." [Cut to Chick in Halloween costume]
• On the Wicked Witch of the West: "She's pretty simple. Pretty...archetypal. ...Here's some monkeys."
• The sad, nostalgic song that plays over the pictures of "when [she] actually gave a damn about Halloween costumes".

Spice World

• The big, open-mouthed smile she has on when she says "It's gross oversimplification time."
• Acting mock-alluring after the movie credits roll while a caption says "Cheapest font... ever?"
• Saying that the movie was made with about half the ambition of A Hard Day's Night, a quarter of the budget and at least two percent of the talent.
• "Does it have a plot? No! But amazingly it does manage at least four subplots, each one more painfully useless than the last."
• "Isn't it amazing that whenever Alan Cummings is in a movie you immediately find yourself saying 'No you don't understand, it's horrible!'"
• After a particularly vapid scene, she rocks back and forth with a Slasher Smile: "...we're only six minutes into the movie."
• This bit of Tempting Fate:
  Chick: "Look, girly things! God, if it got any more girly they'd start a pillow fight."
  *Spice Girls have a pillow fight*
  Chick: "You know I wasn't serious."
• Saying that the Spice Girls just basically take up space for ninety minutes.
• Her childish glee at Scary Spice saying "bay-beh".
• "We could pad the movie for at least a whole minute!"
• Hoping that the Deja-Vu bit is just a DVD skip.
• The Simpleton Voice she has with this:
  Scary Spice: Girl power, feminism. Know what I mean?
  Chick: Nah. Do you?
• Her hatred of Posh Spice: "Stop it! You're bringing down the property value of vaginas everywhere!"
• "I think this is meant to be funny. I'm not sure, they are British."
• Her dramatic, fangirly lip syncing to Meat Loaf's "I Would Do Anything For Love".
• "Was that Bob Hoskins?"
• The Random Shit-O-Lever, used whenever the movie throws in an arbitrary gag ("Aliens," "Sexy Secret Agents," etc.)

Top Ten Disturbing and Inescapable Christmas Songs

• The stealth Take That! to the much-loathed Jim Carrey "Grinch" movie, sneaking a few second clip of it in when she's discussing how Nostalgia Goggles get even worse during Christmas.
  • Even funnier when Lindsay tearfully admitted later that it's actually her top Guilty Pleasure.

• "Why top ten? 'Cos you guys need to watch Spinal Tap."
• New York only exists of two types: yuppies and hipsters.
• Recoiling in disgust at the "possible ugliest man alive" lead singer of The Pogues as he is today. And with the clip, as she said, he really does look like he's been feasting on a diet of fried brains.
  • Calling him (back when he could sing) the "talented Irish version of Ozzy Ozbourne".
  • After all the insults: "Ah, no wonder New Yorkers love this song." And feeling all homesick and nostalgic at the end of the segment: "I'll miss you New York."
• Realizing she's dancing to the "hideously unfunny" Banes Of Christmas. "Why am I doing this?"
• "You gotta put out? Well, bitch, where's my yacht?"
  • Getting a bad mental image of Eartha Kitt putting out for Santa.
  Chick: Ew.
  • Her reaction to Madonna's baby-voice singing cover.
  Chick: [wincing] Ohh, she did.
  • "Hmm. Putting out for Santa seems... lucrative." And her (baby-singing just as hard) version of the song:
  Chick: Santa Baby, I need about a hundred and sixty grand. Grad school's kind of expensive. Santa Baby, [in an ashamed tone of voice] I actually think fat guys are kinda hot.
• The abused wife version of Nella getting beaten up while Chick dances along happily to the song. Crosses the Line Twice comedy at its finest.
  • And how the Chick goes from nervous laughing as the song builds, to shamelessly singing along with the chorus.
  • Southerners find nothing more hilarious than alcoholism paired with Domestic Abuse.
• Brian (the sexual predator) doing the "Dick In A Box" dance while the Chick looks on unimpressed.
• Her snarking on "Do They Know It's Christmas?":
  Live Aid: There's a world outside your window, and it's a world of dread and fear...
  Chick: Mordor?
• "I want to go home!"
• The slowed-down Chipmunks song, set to misshapen creatures, a Nightmare Fuel breakdown that makes Critic's ones look pussified, Metropolis and nuclear testing. Funny and awesome.
• The fangirling over Justin Timberlake, especially her mouthing "I love you..."
  • Her snapping out of it. "Moving on!"
• Driving herself and Elisa crazy with "The Christmas Shoes".
  • "... so Mom can wear a pair of hot pumps when she arrives at the pearly gates!"