Funny / The Nostalgia Chick 2009 Episodes

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Labyrinth

• PACKAGE!
  • Her initial reaction to it during the “Magic Dance”.
    Chick: Meanwhile, we get to see what Goblin Kingship entails, and really, being Goblin King doesn’t seem to be that great a— HOLY SHIT! I think the only thing under pressure are those pants.
  • Anything she says regarding the Area, really.
  • "I think the movie has reached its climax!"
• For me, the most unexpectedly funny part of that review was the word "gag" running across the screen to the tune of "Spanish Flea". The last time it happens it looks like she's seconds away from going crazy.
  • The :D expression The Chick does the first time the running gag appears is pretty funny, too.
• "Hey, Lindsay, want some dick?"
  • Any of Nella's accidental / innocent innuendos.
• "...having him wave his balls in your face. [Pause] Get used to it, kids. There's going to be a lot of that in this review."
• "I think everyone remembers their first boner... Bowie!" Followed by guilty as hell shifty eyes.
• "But young female viewers of the Cult Classic Labyrinth got more than affirmation, they got David Bowie."
  Chick: And I dare you to go into any circle of respectable nerds and say the words "you remind me of the babe" without...
  Nella: What babe?
  Chick: The babe with the power.
  Nella: What power?
• The affectionate Take That! to larpers. "She's the loneliest larper in town, and that's saying something for one's social skills... or acting skills for that matter."
  • After the YouTube clip of a rather low-key session, clapping with a freaked out look on her face.
  • And some Hypocritical Humor later on, showing off her geekery. "Come on, Sarah! Throw a 20 for initiative!"
• This:
  Sarah: I hate yooooou!
  Chick: Well I hate yooooour acting!"
• Her fangasming reaction to the first appearance of David Bowie:
  • "That hair!"
  • "Ground control to Major Tom!"
  • "Now I believe in modern love."
  • "...Ziggy played guitar?"
• "Where she falls into a pit and well, gets groped very much."
• Her little song when the firey things come on-screen. "Look at our green screen, we've got the worst song in the movie."
• A pin-up picture of Megan Fox is attached to their fridge for some reason.
• The blooper at the end where the banana breaks in half.

Thumbelina

• "Oh! Is it Don Bluth time again already?"
• Having to take a few seconds to admit that Don Bluth's early stuff was... good.
• The return of treating The Little Mermaid (1989) like it's her Arch-Enemy, complete with Scare Chord.
  Chick: [with Kubrick Stare] Oh. Mermaid.
• Her impersonation of Don Bluth throwing in the towel.
  Chick: Alright Disney, you win. With your princesses and your musicals and your coming of age stories with sweeping, snarky romances, you win.
• "There's a teeny, tiny, twee, little blip on his radar a few years before with much more unfortunate results."
• Calling Thumbelina a "saucy little whore".
• Her encounter with Barry Manilow.
  Chick: C'mon, is that really the best you could-
  *he starts singing and she drifts off into space*
• Her theory that this movie took place in the plague years as Paris is completely deserted.
• The This Is Gonna Suck reaction to the annoying bird:
  Chick: "...you're gonna be in the whole movie aren't you?"
• The Alternate Character Interpretation of the bird being an asexual co-dependent who thrives on the relationships of others and the mother being neglectful on purpose because she's pissed she got the short end of the stick.
• Her mocking his analogies of love overcoming the impossible:
  Jaquimo: Samson loved Delilah...
  Nostalgia Chick: That ended... kinda bad.
  Jaquimo: Romeo, et Juliet... oh, impossible!
  Nostalgia Chick: Al-so somewhat unfortunate...
• "I hate you enough to name you Thumbelina."
• While fooling around, Thumbelina ends up in a pie, then climbs out again.
  Chick: That would have made for an awkward dinner party: [miming spooning out a piece of pie] "So, Beverly, any luck findin- AAGH!!"
• "I have this weird sense of deja-Disney..."
• "Get on the fucking bird."
  • "Let's see, you have a bird, some bugs and A FUCKING BIRD! You have TWENTY BIRDS! DOING THE CAN-CAN!"
• "It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean."
• "I'd like to know which executive head keeps proclaiming from on high... "Needs more Gilbert Gotfried."
• Screaming and recoiling in terror at the sight of the frog-thing with tits and heels.
  Chick: I mean, really, frogs should not be in heels!
• "Disney's paranoid ass has my blessing to sue for this one."
• In the credits: "Yes, I know I look like a bag of smashed ass. Blame the lighting."

The Babysitters Club

• Her reaction to the "Daddy's Girl" song is both hilarious and frightening. Daddy's girl.. *finger to the edge of lip in a seductive pose*
• The vast amounts of children scaring the hell out of her.
  • The "Psycho" Strings that play when she first mentions that C word.
• The way she says the word "vagina", like it's something weird and terrifying.
• Her theory that Mary-Anne has Catholic repression.
• Calling Claudia a "functional retard". It shouldn't be funny, but it is.
• Calling Dawn a "dirty, vegetarian hippie" and asserting that everyone from California lives on a steady diet of granola and white guilt.
• Her shallow "ew" when the actors from the TV show show off their "less than fabulous hair".
• "Oh, and hi Zach Braff."
• Her goofy dancing to the theme song.
• Figuring out how to say Sissy Spacek's daughter's name:
  Chick: To Wikipedia!
  Chick and children: Yaaay!
• "But subplots? Oh, we got them in droves!"
• This bit:
  Kristy: I mean, you know anyone who could take a fork and a hammer and turn into that?
  Chick: Most special needs kids?
• Her version of the Critic's "I'm acting!" Running Gag:
  Claudia: We have a tragedy here!
  Chick: [in Dull Surprise mode] I flunked acting!
• "Did we mention Stacey's from New York?"
• Playing the dramatic sting when she says Stacey has diabetes.
• "...is there a jazz choir in the stable?" "There they are again, seriously."
• Noting that the Longing Look between Kristy and Claudia goes on for just a bit too long.
• Bonding with the Child Hater lady:
  Lady: Do you know what fuzzy insects and small children have in common?
  Chick: [excited] They suck your blood?
• Mocking the Swedish kid's accent/acting:
  Chick: *again, in Dull Surprise mode* "I lohv di-ah-bee-tehs."

Top 11 Embarrassing Nostalgic Dance Crazes

• "Seems that our generation was made to do some pretty stupid shit in our time. [...] Yes, dances, they made us do them at weddings, at summer camp, at day camp, at school, at funerals, space camp... whatever."
• Whining that she doesn't want to get up and dance, or at least on her own:
  Chick: NEEEELLA!
  Nella: ...You bellowed?
  Chick: We have a mission, beleaguered friend! We gon' go dance!
  Nella: [with a look of disgust] Why?
• Chick roping Nella into it by telling it's her revenge for Nella suggesting the awkward date with the Critic.
  Chick: Come, BFF Nella, we're going into public!
  Nella: Public?
  Chick: Public!
• Nella's terror at going outside, along with the Chick's manic grins.
• Chick dragging Nella everywhere.
• The caption: "one wardrobe change later" and "another wardrobe change later".
• "Dance, monkey!"
• Nella's "Is this really what it's all about?"
• Nella's very valid point of why dance about food when you can just eat it.
• "Don't judge me!"
• Nostalgia Chick and Nella. Doing the Chicken Dance. In front of NYC's Scientology building.
  Nella: For this? I was born ready!
• All the shots of the general public, looking in their direction like they're freaks.
• The Chick's incredibly gleeful expression while doing the macarena.
• The Chick shooting a laser beam at Nella's shoulder.
  Nella: "You whore!"

Xanadu

• The Hope Spot of the opening credits, where she gets all excited and thinks it'll be an awesome sci-fi movie.
  Chick: Come on, how could this not be the greatest thing ever?
• The Nostalgia Chick shooing away the Big-Lipped Alligator Moment sign. IT WILL NOT LEAVE YOU.
• Calling the movie the "death throes of all things roller-skate".
• Getting pissed off at all the exposition.
  Chick: For the love of God! Cut half of this shit out, come on.
• Elisa jumping into frame when the Chick is taking a picture of the "George Washington Bridge... thingy."
• "Dear God... grown men should not wear roller-skates. Did someone tell him he looks like that?"
• *while shaking her fist at the heavens* "Corporate America! Killing art."
• "But don't worry, they drop that thread like a bag of roller-skates."
• Her increasing disappointment at the lack of aliens in the movie.
• "Oh dear God, the shorts."
• The Chick & Elisa's mocking of the bad blocking and bad lines:
  Chick: Hey Lisa, whatchu' doing on the ground?
  Elisa: I'm going to get up now. [stands up] Because I like it better... [walks over] here.
  Chick: You know, it's my dream that you would stay in one place to deliver your lines.
  Elisa: Dreams die.
  Chick: What does that even mean?
  Elisa: [dramatic head flip] Exactly.
• Her impersonation of Zeus, who sounds less bored and more like he's very very drunk.
  • And high off Valium.
• Her comparing the lead actor to the Troll 2 guy.
  • She calls him "Acty McActorson" at one point.

Transformers

• Calling the concept "evil genius" like.
  Chick: Let me posit this idea. Robots = awesome. Aliens = awesome. Cars... pretty awesome, if a little planet-destroying. Put them all together and what do you get? Hell yeah!
• "And who do we have to thank for that?"
  • Cutting to Ronald Reagan while playing the Imperial March.
    • "No, I'm actually not kidding."
• "Look! Characters with which to identify...ish."
• The affectionate Take That! to Transformers fanboys, calling them manchildren.
  • And then Critic comes in.
• The Psychotic Smirk she has on when she's got Critic in the corner about his reviewing Red Sonja, especially when she'd been suspiciously little-girl-like when he was bitching at her.
• Being extra perky when she gets back to the review.
• "They just play around in the open, like 'Goddamn it's good to be a robot car'."
• Calling Megatron an evil motherfucker because he has a silly helmet.
• Insulting the Dinobots by saying they're distinguishable only because they're abject retards.
• Her disgusted "not making that up" when giving the names of My Little Pony characters.
• The goofy dancing to the so-very-80s songs in the movie, even after she's horrified by the family unfriendly deaths.
• The counter for all the traumatizing deaths.
  • Her scream at the death of... well... Starscream.
• "Michael Bay" being a smug, egotistical, slimy bastard.
  • The fact that he has only three DVDs on his shelf and they're all his.
• The way she's obviously enjoying chloroforming The Nostalgia Critic at the end of the review. And how quickly she got from LA to Chicago just to do it.
• The Stinger. Critic's unconscious, Chick is stroking his neck and giggling, the "Armageddon" music is playing triumphantly... and "Michael Bay" is totally oblivious.
• Her describing Rodimus Prime's new car form as a 'gay-pride hummer'.
• Her indication of Blurr as "... this guy".
• Calling Starscream "Everyone's favorite ambigously-sexed whiner" (Cut to him whining ("Get this thing off of me!")
• Introducing Jazz as, in his own words "Blacker than the inside of a drive shaft".0
• Calling Unicron a "great mechanoid cosmic anus"
• Her reaction to Starscream kicking Megatron with an "eeyah!"
  Chick: OK, that's kinda cute.

Armageddon, part one

• Her explanation for the three month Schedule Slip: 'Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen'' being so terrible it sent her into a bad movie coma.
• The reaction to what month it is (September 2009): A perfectly timed "shit!".
• All the jump cuts mocking Michael Bay's way of directing.
• "Did the credits just explode? Did I dream that?"
  • "The movie begins, not with a cloud of dust, but with fire. Fucking fire! I didn't know the Earth was made out of napalm!"
• Eating a packet of grains while laughing at the so-very-racist crap on the screen.
  Chick: Haha, they don't make racism like that anymore—Oh wait they totally do!
  *cuts to the twins in Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen*
• The Ho Yay-tastic parody of the animal cracker scene, complete with out of nowhere Firefly reference.
• Michael Bay's balls making her head explode. This is made even funnier by Kickassia, because apparently this didn't kill her.

Armageddon, part two

• The Previously on…, narrated by Linkara and the "one episode ago" being striked out for "two episodes ago".
• Critic waking up (after three months of being unconscious?) "somewhere in a suburb of Chicago" and finding a chloroformed rag beside him. What's even funnier (and intriguingly carrying on the Ship Tease) that he figures out immediately who did it.
• Chick waking up from the aforementioned head exploding and needing her happy pills to continue. She instantly goes from tired and woozy to happy and perky.
• The Double Entendre about the "majestic longness" of the movie and how she doesn't mean that in the good way.
• Every time she makes a crack about Liv Tyler. Quick, Liv! Indignation!
• Chick's response to Ben Affleck's acting in a dramatic scnene:
  "Act, boy, act! Act like you don't know how!"
• On Bruce Willis' crying: "Bruce Willis cries like George Washington...those aren't tears, that's just testosterone overflowing through his eyes."

Bratz

• Linkara once again intoning: "Previously on… Nostalgia Chick" as the credits mark out last episode, then two episodes ago, finally settling on three episodes ago.
• As well as being creepy (and really quite hot), the Critic's "I am the master and you are the subordinate." Mostly because you know that's total bullshit.
• How oblivious she is to the fact that it's him until he starts panicking.
• *In Christian Bale's Batman voice* "BFFS! Hahahahahaha!"
• "How many Hispanic stereotypes can we cram into one scene? *See the random mariachi band in the middle of the kitchen* What the hell, what the hell, what the hell you guys?"
  • "Apologies to all Hispanics on behalf of Hollywood schmucks everywhere." In pink Comic Sans.
• After Critic makes his impassioned speech about doing this so she can be proud of watching the worst girly movie ever:
  Chick: [either upset or moved] Can I punch you first?
  Critic: No.
• This bit, where she sees The Other Guy sitting in the dark.
  Chick: Who are you?
  The Other Guy: I dunno, it's your movie.
• As well as being kinda adorable, the Critic trying to make himself look even taller and the Chick just pushing him back down.
  • Their hug followed by a mutual chloroforming. Aww?
  • Critic touching the unconscious Chick's ass before heading into sleepy-land himself.
• Ma-Ti at the end. "...I can sense you."
• Calling the Alpha Bitch "Baby Voit" through the whole film.

Mulan

• "Hi, I'm your Nostalgia Chick, and I think you know what time it is." *starts dancing before "Disney Time!" pops up*
• So what kind of awkward-slash-awesome do we have today? Why, Mulan, of course." She's so gleeful!
• The Take That! against Pocahontas at the beginning.
• "Let's try to do it in a tasteful way this time, shall we?" *cut to the scene of the soldiers ordering Chinese food from Chi Fu*
  Chick: (afterwards) Hmm.
• "Let's go ahead and use the word 'honor' no less than 50 times." Cut to a montage of various characters from the movie saying "honor".
• "You're not going to say the Hun lobby over here going 'Hey!'"
• "Do they all just suffer from jaundice or something?"
  • The jaundice/liver flukes Running Gag.
• Calling George Takei a "fucking pimp".
  Father: Please help Mulan today.
  Chick: She spends all her time on the internet.
• "The plot has arrived!"
  Assistant: The huns have invaded China!
  Chick: Farrrk!
• Chick and Nella singing along to "I'll Make A Man Out Of You".
  Chick: Not this musical number... It's just so hard not to sing along!
• "HORRIFIC IMPLICATIONS TIME! *Pelvic Thrusting to Porno Music*"
  • "Looks like Shaun Yu found that little girl... *"more thrusting"
• Footbinding. "You bleated?" "TO WIKIPEDIA!" And the Brick Joke with Nella running to Wikipedia to research it. Some time later, she cuts Chick off mid-sentence as she starts screaming and shows her the pics on her laptop.

  Nostalgia Chick: No! No...ah, no, that ain't right!

• The inevitable reference to the meme when it's revealed the name of Mulan's horse is named "Khan." Her perky expression makes it.

The Last Unicorn

• The much-taller-than-Lindsay Loony Fan giggling that she wants to be just like the Chick when she grows up.
• This episode also serves the introduction of her hatred of love, as she calls it one of the big weaknesses of being human.

Earth Girls Are Easy

• The 'What do you want' moment...
  Candy Pink: What do you want?!
  Nostalgia Chick: *Pelvic thrusting to porno music*
• "Now we crave more substantive fare, like I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here or Flavor of Love 3."
• Her weak "yay" when she says the movie stars aliens.
• "It sounds better than it actually is."
• Calling the video of the alien girl before the credits "incredibly tame porn".
• Using Schindler's List as an example of a film that should have an 80s band sing the title.
• "Totally normal not to want to bump uglies with the perfect-bodied Geena Davis. Maybe it was because she was taller than him."
• "Funny how cute and innocent Geena Davis can look despite being nine foot tall and being built like an ox."
• "Hate yourself, woman!"
• Her madlibbing of the title:
  • "Self-esteem debasement is easy."
  • "Product placement is easy." *holds up a can of coke*
  • "Earth men are eeeeevil."
• This, when Geena Davis finds her boyfriend's been cheating:
  Geena Davis: You were going to have sex without me?
  Chick: That's the idea!
• Making fun of the lead's priorities: "It's bad enough that I'm being abducted but in my string bikini? Oooh!"
• Her fangasm when she sees Jeff Goldblum naked. "And now I'm in a room by myself and- talking to myself. [beat] That's chaos theory."
• Screaming in disgust at Jim Carrey's Overly-Long Tongue:
  Singer: I want his babies.
  Chick: So they can pleasure you too? Who says that?
• When the cat goes, um, multi-colored. "...I think the cat just came."
• Understanding Geena Davis's slightly odd fear of hairy men.
• Trying to dance to the singer's Everyone Loves Blondes song but realizing she has brown hair and proceeds to sulk.

Disney Princesses

• The jazz-hand thing she does when she says Disney haunts everyone's nostalgia with one word: "dreams".
• The listing of the incredibly strange merchandise Disney has put it out, like blenders, shopping carts and buckets.
• Her utter hatred of "If You Can Dream". You can't blame her.
• "It's a whole new world! ...of indoctrination."
• On Mulan being in the line-up: "Bitch, you aren't a princess."
  • "She hugged royalty, but that's about it."
• Megara from Hercules wasn't allowed in the line-up because her hips don't lie.
• The caption for her first point of what it means to be a Disney princess: "Where did you go, Mommy?"
• Her theory that the company commits matricide as soon as the hero/heroine of the movie is born. Followed by a "Shh" from Snow White.
• Triton is spreading his merseed all over the Atlantis.
• The bumbling dads in Disney have all the manliness of a weebl.
• How she wants "cunning in political situations" to be one of Aurora's gifts in Sleeping Beauty. Hilarious in Hindsight when you consider her thirst for power in Kickassia.
• "You want something non-descript and by God, you're going to sing about it."
• "And she's like "woah, that man is hot, I want it!"" Coupled with Shang in Mulan taking his shirt off.
• Thinking Belle wanted to go on a roadtrip.
  • Similarly, thinking Pocahontas's dream was to go white water rafting.
• At the end of the review, she gets attacked by a ninja sent by the Disney corporation when she starts to accuse them of making The Princess And the Frog to expand their Disney Princesses merchandising.

Beauty And The Beast: The Enchanted Christmas

• The fact that the review, possibly the nerd-ragiest one she's done, starts off with the cheery "Deck The Halls" and panning over her Christmas tree.
• The highly beleaguered sigh as she opens the review.
• "This holiday season, I'm gonna get personal. Yeah, I'm actually going share with you something deeply personal to me. In that, I'm gonna share something that is deeply personally grotesque... to me." *disarming smile*
• "...I don't even know where to start." And this is at forty two seconds in.
• Her fangirl gushing over the original movie.
• The Chick using 'Untitled' by Simple Plan as background music, when the characters Wangst around, accompanied by her tracing a tear down her cheek.
  • The fact that the very first instance of this song is played over a mug shot of Paul Reubens.
• Her reaction to seeing Beast lock Belle in a dungeon for trying to get a Christmas tree: shock, pouting, then weakly pointing a finger and saying "Boooo..."
• Also her reaction to the climax of the film, and the dialogue during it.
  Nostalgia Chick: What...What...What-ever.
• The ending, where she starts off saying how much she can't stand the movie again and ends up revealing that her uncle molested her. Bonus for a sunshine-y smile right afterward.
• "And while this one was by no means the only Disney classic that got shamelessly ass-raped by the existence of a horrible Direct to Video sequel..."
  • "It's also more ass-rapey because it happens during the movie."
• "It's superfluous, it's simplistic, it's gratuitous, it adds nothing, it has no regards for any of the established characters and just proceeds to trample on anything that made the first movie good!"
  • It's like bad fanfiction!" *scare chord*
• "Apparently nobody remembers the events that went down ONE YEAR PRIOR."
• "Yes, please recount to us Mrs. Potts, this event WHICH WE WERE ALL PRESENT FOR."
• "This whole mess doesn't even remotely fit... MOVING ON!"
• Her stepford delivery of this line, including clasping her hands in fake joy:
  Chick: Oh, by the way, my God what passes for humor.
  • And right after, crying harder and harder each time they try and be "funny".
• "What in the anthropomorphic candlestick hell?"
• Talking about the Character Derailment of both Beast and Belle: "This bitch is like his freaking life coach! Come on monster who destroyed my life and took everything, let's go ice-skating!"
  • "And I don't think I even have the energy to go into the unholy fisting his character got. ...yet."
• Calling Tim Curry the "poor man's bad guy in all things".
• Her smirk when she cuts to Paul Reubens' mugshot.
• The impersonation of Tim Curry:
  Minion: I'd do anything for a solo.
  Curry: Yes. I know.
  Chick: [with a look of complete disdain] You did last night several times.
• Her theory that the organ has a bizarre co-dependent crush on the Beast.
  Chick: He just loves playing his organ for the Beast.
• "My shadow is large and beast-shaped, I'm going to throw an autistic temper tantrum! Take that, snow!"
  Belle: I don't know why I bother.
  Chick: I don't know either. In the first movie you wouldn't have!
• Her screaming angrish when Belle sings a song about trying to get to know the Beast.
  • All of her angrish when the movie just keeps proving too stupid to handle.
• "I think Lumiere sticks his candlestick where it doesn't belong a lot."
• "So she convinces Cogsworth to let them have Christmas with food... Because clocks can eat."
• The Bernadette Peters angel is only there "to add to the emo quotiant."
• The look of crushed disgust when we get the Prince's shitty backstory.
  Chick: ...I think this angle worked better when it was just stained glass.
• This line on the credits/ending screen:
  "Thank you, John Lasseter, for stopping the madness."