Funny / The Muppet Show

The world's favourite variety show needs its own Funny Moments page; and here it is!

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Tropers of the World! Yaaaaaaaaaay! [slides off backwards stage left with arms flailing]

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Season 1

1x01: Juliet Prowse

• Two words: "Mahna Mahna". The entire skit consists of Mahna Mahna upstaging the Snowths. At the end of the sketch, Manha Mahna leaves. The backstage phone rings. Kermit answers, and takes the receiver to the Snowths. "It's for you." "MAHNA MAHNA!"
  Statler: The question is, what is a Mahna Mahna?
  Waldorf: The question is, who cares?
• Backstage, Kermit has a glass of milk on the table, which he sips through a straw... and the level of liquid in the glass actually goes down as he does it. He lampshades how odd it is that a puppet should be able to do this by turning to the camera and saying, "Uh, think about this, friends!"^note  A gag used again in The Muppet Movie when Kermit and Piggy are somehow able to drink the wine in their glasses through straws.
• This exchange between Statler and Waldorf:
  Statler: Hey, Waldorf, I was wondering— (Keeps talking, but no sound comes out)
  Waldorf: Darn, I better get new batteries for my hearing aid.
  Statler: Hahaha! I fool him every time! Hahaha— (Waldorf smacks him so hard his face gets scrunched up)
• Muppet Glee Club goes wrong when, mid-song, Miss Piggy starts advancing on Kermit.
  • Not that it had a great start. At first, the singers didn't realize they had to sing when Kermit waved his baton. And once that was explained, their second try had them singing different songs all at once! And they're amazed when Kermit tells them that they should sing the same song. "The frog is a genius!"
• The episode has a skit with Rowlf and Fozzie as cowboys. Fozzie plays the outlaw and attempts to do a stick-up... with pickles. Loaded Pickles. He also has a carrot knife and an already lit apple bomb.
  Rowlf: (slaps carrot away) Would you stop with the vegetables?
  Fozzie: Ah, you shouldn't-a done that. I'm a desperate bear, ready for desperate measures. (Whips out an apple with a burning stem)
  Rowlf: Oh, no!
  Bartender: It's an apple!
  Fozzie: Yes, and the fuse is lit. The fuse is lit?!
  (BOOM! Once the smoke clears, Rowlf goes back to playing his piano)
  Rowlf: And that's how it was, the day Kid Fozzie came into town.
  (Cut to the theater box)
  Waldorf: That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets were weird.
  Statler: Why's that?
  Waldorf: They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny. (Statler's cigar explodes) Although some of them are really quite droll. (Chuckles)
• Just before their big number, Muppy the Dog storms off because Kermit won't meet his outrageous demands, leaving Scooter without anyone to do his bit with... just as Fozzie comes up looking for something to do. Never let it be said the frog doesn't grant wishes, as an unwilling Fozzie is dragged on-stage for a performance of "Simon Smith and His Amazing Dancing Bear".

1x02: Connie Stevens

• You want to play tennis with meatballs (courtesy of the Swedish Chef), Statler and Waldorf will be more than happy to oblige from the comfort of their balcony.
  Waldorf: Fifteen-love!
• Before the "Teenager in Love", there's this bit of backstage humor;
  Wayne: Kermit! This is an ultimatum! We sing tonight or else!
  Wanda: Kermit's not here, Wayne.
  Wayne: Hiding from my wrath, no doubt.
  Wanda: That's funny, he's not on stage, either.
  Wayne: Wanda! No one is on stage right now!
  Wanda: You mean-?
  Wayne: Yes! This is our chance! We must grasp it!
  Wanda: But, this is supposed to be the place for the Connie Stevens spot.
  Wayne: Oh, we'll cut the Connie Stevens spot!
  (Enter Connie. Wayne doesn't notice.)
  Wayne: Who needs the Connie Stevens spot? Who cares about the Connie Stevens spot?! (Realizes that Connie is right behind him) I can't wait for the Connie Stevens spot!
• After a rendition of "Teenager in Love":
  Statler: Ah, how poignant... I remember being a teenager in love!
  Waldorf: Yeah, but Queen Victoria wouldn't have you.
• In "At the Dance", Animal hasn't got the hang of ballroom dancing.
  Animal: One, two, three, DIP! (smashes partner against the ground) One, two, three, DIP! (and again) One, two, three, DIP! (and again)

1x03: Joel Grey

• Rowlf as Sherlock Holmes in "The Case of the Disappearing Clues". He's a terrible detective... it'd probably help if he noticed the suspect eating every clue he reveals. And then Miss Piggy. And then Watson. Right in front of him. Finally, Rowlf 'deduces' that in the light of absence of evidence, there clearly has been no murder.
• Meanwhile, Fozzie is driving the Muppets insane with his "Jokes on any subject", IE, cracking a dumb joke based on whatever someone says.
  Fozzie: Pretty good, huh? Nothing stops the old Fozzie Bear!
  Hilda: I wish something would.

1x04: Ruth Buzzi

• The robot Kermit, which immediately sets about trying to get rid of the real Kermit. Including a face-off between real Kermit and Robo-Kermit in the mirror.
• The Establishing Character Moment for everyone's favourite diva pig. Robot Kermit tries seducing Miss Piggy with "sweet nothings". Actual Kermit steps in and tries to set the record straight, so... hiiii-ya! It's only then Piggy sees the robot Kermit and faints.
  Robot Kermit: Luckily the frog broke her fall.
• After Kermit and his double do a Mirror Routine:
  Kermit: Scooter, where did you get this ridiculous wind-up TV show host?!
  Robot Kermit: I was a gift from his uncle.
  Kermit: (Annoyed but resigned) Welcome to the show.
• One "At the Dance" exchange between Boppity and a female muppet.
  Female: But, don't you see? You've got to stand on your own two feet!
  Boppity: But that's the problem! I've got three feet!
  (Later...)
  Female: Don't you feel silly with three feet?
  Boppity: Sure, but the other one didn't come back from the cleaners!
  (Later still...)
  Female: Do you really have three feet?
  Boppity: Sure! (Raises feet) One! Two! Three! Ahh! (Falls) Ohh...three feet, and one broken back...

1x05: Rita Moreno

• The episode begins with Kermit making a terrible joke about how they had a bunch of elephant performers scheduled... except they forgot their trunks.
  Fozzie: (proudly) I gave him that joke!
  Kermit: I wish I gave it right back.
• In conversation with Rita, she lampshades how fake the sketch of her and Kermit talking is, and how they're obviously talking off cue cards. Kermit's attempt to defend himself fails... because he can't read the cards. Then Sweetums comes in, wanting to interact with Rita, who makes the mistake of saying he can do what he likes. So Sweetums picks her up and runs off with her.
• The episode has a Running Gag of something weird happening every time Fozzie answers the phone, much to Kermit's confusion.
  Kermit: I think this is what they call a running gag.
  (The Newsman hurries past to get to the stage)
  Fozzie: No, that's what they call a running gag.
• Eventually, Animal solves the problem of the gag... by ripping the phone out of the wall.
• In a UK spot, the Country Trio (Muppet caricatures of Jim Henson, Frank Oz, and Jerry Nelson), sing "I Want To Go To Morrow". At the end, the Frank Muppet says, "I don' geddit!"
• Kermit introducing a new act he found at a bus station in Ohio (not performing — they were just there): Marvin Suggs and the Muppaphones. What follows is a bizarre demonstration in cruelty, as Marvin uses the Muppaphones as living instruments by hitting them.
• Rita's performance of "Fever" accompanied by Floyd and Animal, and her efforts at keeping the latter in line long enough to get through the number... leading ultimately to her squashing him between a pair of cymbals.
  Animal: That's my kind of woman!
  • Decades later, Rita said in an interview she herself still laughs every time she watches the song.

1x06: Jim Nabors

• In the backstage sketches, we're introduced to Scooter, who Kermit is initially not interested in. Until Scooter mentions his uncle owns the theatre. Kermit suddenly stops dead and looks terrified at the thought.
  Scooter: [entering as Kermit looks through some paperwork] Hi! Are you Kermit the Frog?
  Kermit: Uh, yeah.
  Scooter: Uh, I-I'm Scooter!
  Kermit: ... Cute. [to camera] Cute name. [shakes his head and goes back to the paperwork]
  Scooter: I'm your new go-fer!
  Kermit: Gopher? Uh, no no, we have frogs and pigs and chickens around here but we've never had a gopher. Matter of fact, you don't even look like a gopher!
  Scooter: [laughs off the misunderstanding] Yeah, well, you don't understand, you see, I'm your new go-fer. Yeah, I'll go-fer coffee, I'll go-fer sandwiches, I'll go-fer anything you need!
  Kermit: [face scrunching up] Yeah, I see.
  Scooter: [follows Kermit as he walks across to the backstage intercom] Yeah, well, I work real cheap, and I got plenty of ideas for your theatre, and I'll start tonight, okay?
  Kermit: Uh, lis-listen, kid, I'm sorry, but, uh, you're too young, you don't have any experience, and I don't have any money for it in the budget.
  Scooter: Mm, my uncle owns this theatre...
  Kermit: [freezes in his tracks] Uh... you start today, get me a cup of coffee, your salary is twenty a week. [into the intercom] Stand by for the next number!
  Scooter: Could you make it twenty-five?
  Kermit: [with his signature arm-waving] ARE YOU KIDDING, I CAN'T AFFORD IT!
  Scooter: Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
  Kermit: [with his signature face-scrunching] How 'bout thirty... [Scooter looks at the fourth wall and smiles]
• Jim tries to sing "Gone with the Wind". And, as typical for Muppets, someone turns the wind machine up way too high, so Jim has to keep singing even as the Muppet girl he's with is being blown off the set, and the set itself is falling down. To his credit, he keeps going, not stopping even when his pants are blown off.
• Wayne and Wanda try singing "Indian Love Call" which works a little too well... it summons an actual Native American (Muppet), stopping the song dead.
  "Hey, baby. You called?"
• When Scooter first joins the crew, Fozzie comes up to inform Kermit that "there's some weird looking kid roaming around backstage."
  Fozzie: ...he keeps giving me jokes! And they're awful.
  Kermit: (after a moment's thought) Fozzie... How would YOU know??

1x07: Florence Henderson

• Piggy turns Green-Eyed Monster toward Kermit when it looks like Florence is flirting with him.
  Florence: What do you see in my eyes?
  Kermit: (seeing Piggy behind her) ... I see trouble.
  • Piggy then attacks (and bites) Florence for "stealing" her frog.
• The Discussion Panel spot, where the subject is, "Were Shakespeare's works written by Bacon?" (that is, Francis Bacon), but Miss Piggy thinks it's a slur against pig-kind and reacts poorly. Florence doesn't help as she keeps cracking pig jokes, and then the Borsolino Brothers show up to do their pyramid act, which results in the lot of them toppling over.
  • This later gets a Call-Back when Piggy and Kermit are arguing.
    Piggy: Methinks thou doth protest too much.
    Kermit: Huh?
    Piggy: That's Shakespeare.
    Kermit: Sounds more like Bacon. From a ham.
    Piggy: How would you like a pork chop? Hai-ya! [karate chops Kermit] You always hurt the one you love.
• Three words: "Galley-oh hoop hoop!"
• During the episode, the Bouncing Borsolino Brothers, an acrobatic act made up of six pigs, are arguing backstage.
  Kermit: We got to get organized down here. Will somebody tell those pigs to knock it off?
  Hilda: Knock it off!
  Zoot: Knock it off!
  Wayne: Knock it off!
  Kermit: Now will we knock off the knocking-it-offs?
  Wayne: Knock off the knocking-it-offs!
  Zoot: Knock off the knocking-it-offs!
  Hilda: Knock off the—
  Kermit: Knooock iiit ooooff!

1x08: Paul Williams

• The first number is "All of Me", sung by a monster who proceeds to tear off each body part mentioned for his girl, played by Miss Kitty. The lyrics already tell the singer's ex he no longer wants his lips or arms, while she left him with "eyes that cry" and "took the part that once was [his] heart" — but in the bridge of the song, they take this idea and run with it...
  Monster: Hey, you want my hair? Well, hair it is! Hey, you need a nose? Guaranteed not to run! Friends, Romans and countrymen! (Lends ears) Hey, you wanna put my chest in your chest? Here, let me give you a hand.
• Paul, in a private moment, stated that he chose to be on The Muppet Show for one reason; Since Muppets are 'tiny things', no one will make fun of how short he is. He gloats about how for the first time, he is the tallest person on the show...when Sweetums, Thog, and a Mutation — three full-body Muppets that easily dwarf him — step up.
  Paul Williams: For the first time in my life, I will cry in front of 30 million people...
• Meanwhile, Scooter talks Fozzie into doing "The Telephone Pole joke", with Fozzie as the telephone pole. Having no idea what this joke entails, Fozzie attempts to practice by standing still backstage;
  Fozzie: I am a telephone pole, I am made of solid wood.
  (A bird lands on Fozzie's shoulder and starts pecking at his head)
  Fozzie: ...I am too talented for my own good. (Shoos bird) Will you please?!
• Before doing the phone gag, Fozzie is uncharacteristically afraid the joke will die.
  Scooter: What makes you say that?
  Fozzie: (seeing two vulture Muppets lurking backstage) ... just a hunch.
• At the end of the show, when Paul comes out with Kermit...
  Paul Williams: (To Kermit) I loved every minute of it, little guy. (Full body Muppets come out) Except, of course, for the parts that I hated.

1x09: Charles Aznavour

• Charles seducing Ms. Piggy with French... namely, the telephone number for the Paris city dump.
• Kermit assumes, when Piggy rushes off, that Charles isn't fond of Piggy. However...
  Kermit: I'm sorry about that.
  Charles: Sorry? Sorry? That's my kind of woman!
  (Charles hurries after Piggy)
  Kermit: One man's poison is another man's pork chop.
  (Ms. Piggy appears right next to Kermit)
  Ms. Piggy: Take this! (karate chops Kermit)
• Gonzo, dissatisfied with the way that his career is treated on the show, hires Scooter as his manager. The two of them present their first idea to Kermit, a "rock act." Kermit incredulously states that Gonzo can't sing, so they offer to clarify.
  Gonzo: (hitting a rock with a mallet repeatedly) ART! ART! ART!
  Kermit: Out! Out! Out!
  • Later on, Hilda complains to Kermit that Scooter and Gonzo have raided the wardrobe for their next idea; a drag act!
  Kermit: Of all the dumb acts Gonzo's ever come up with, this is the dumbest.
  Scooter: Oh, gee, my uncle loves it.
  Kermit: You go on right after the dancers.
  Gonzo: Oh, oh, good. What do I do when I get out there?
  Kermit: Duck.
• In "At the Dance", Animal's dancing partner hurls him around to show him what she has to go through. He ends up enjoying it.

1x10: Harvey Korman

• Kermit interviewing Animal. Turns out Animal doesn't like bad puns, or the suggestion he might be replaced.
• Kermit's frustration when he tries to help Fozzie with a joke ("Good grief, the comedian's a bear!") and Fozzie keeps giving him the wrong cue. Frank Oz has said this was the sketch where he finally "got" Fozzie, and he thinks you can see a big improvement from the earlier episodes. Words can't do the skit justice.
• Crazy Harry's Running Gag defied in one episode after Statler and Waldorf make their usual comments:
  Statler: That's better than opening it with a bang.
  Crazy Harry: Heheheheheh! Did somebody say " bang"?
  Statler and Waldorf together: NO!!
  (Both Dope Slap him in unison)
  Crazy Harry: Well, you can't win 'em all...

1x11: Lena Horne

• At episode's beginning, Ms. Piggy inquires as to why her opening number was cut. Kermit tries explaining that there are singers and singers. Piggy, naturally, misinterprets this as Kermit gallantly saving Lena from embarrassment.
• Swedish Chef trying to cook spaghetti... which keeps trying to escape the plate, until it finally goes for his throat.
• Midway through the episode, Scooter comes upon Kermit lamenting his lot as the one in charge of the Muppets, as he tells Scooter about cutting Piggy's number on the grounds of being cold, calculating and ruthless. Then Scooter makes the mistake of telling Piggy what Kermit did...

1x12: Peter Ustinov

• Kermit tells Ustinov that anything can be a Muppet, and one of the show's writers is a hat rack. During that episode's credits, a credit for "The Hat Rack" appears under 'Writers'!
• Fozzie begs Kermit to let him do an act with Ustinov, since it's all he ever wanted. Kermit notes the week before he'd said doing an act with Kermit had been his dream. Fozzie's response is brutal.
  Fozzie: ... I was wrong.
• Professor Honeydew introduces his newest invention: The Robot Politician, allowing Ustinov to demonstrate first his Churchill demonstration, then his Nixon. Then the robot starts to inevitably malfunction...
• Ustinov gets another moment when he assumes an Alter Kocker attitude and joins Fozzie in telling a rambling tale that turns out to be the setup for a terrible pun.
  • Meanwhile, the sketch begins with Sam trying to introduce them, and completely failing to notice their characters are called Professors Nude and Naked.

1x13: Bruce Forsyth

• Bruce having to deal with a giant Muppet bird during his dance number.
• Fozzie gives Kermit a sample of the riposte he has in store for any would-be hecklers ... by clobbering him with a rubber chicken.
  Fozzie: Too subtle?

1x14: Sandy Duncan

• Sandy spoofing her own perkiness, in a skit where she's so relentlessly upbeat that a disgusted Muppet ends up giving her a Pie in the Face. (In fairness, she called him ugly first.)
• Fozzie needs five dollars from Kermit to pay his joke writer, the legendary Gags Beasley. For once, Kermit's Not So Above It All:
  Kermit: The legendary Gags comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
  Fozzie: I worked out a good deal with him.
  Kermit: You pay him by the line?
  Fozzie: No, I pay him by the laugh.
  Kermit: Oh, then he owes you money!
  Fozzie: Ohhhhhhh, that was cute. That was really cute, froooooooooooggggggg!

1x15: Candice Bergen

• The Running Gag where Fozzie keeps saying he has a letter, or a note, or a wire, or some other form of message for Kermit, only to present him with a literal interpretation (a single letter, a musical note, a wire hanger). The best part is probably when Kermit admits it's Actually Pretty Funny and tries it on Scooter, who obliviously says he doesn't have time to read the letter right now. Fozzie returns and rubs it in Kermit's face with a simple "Haaaa!" At the end, Kermit tries to get Fozzie back with a Pie in the Face. In what is clearly a Throw It In! moment, the pie doesn't land the first time, and the second time it splashes on guest star Candice Bergen, leading Fozzie to say "Look what you did!"
  • The lead-in to this is pretty funny too, as Fozzie sees his earned comeuppance coming a mile away and knows Kermit's got him.
  Kermit: Pie for Fozzie the Bear... are you Fozzie the Bear?
  Fozzie: ...No.
  (Candace Bergen shows her father trained her well by leaning back quickly.)
  Kermit: Good. I got a pie for you anyway!
• When Fozzie tries claiming he has a flower for Kermit, it turns out to be flour. And then Fozzie makes the mistake of doing this in front of Ms. Piggy.
  Fozzie: That's a punch!
  Piggy: No. This is a punch. HI-YA! (bludgeons Fozzie senseless)
• The Swedish Chef makes spicy sauce hot enough to blow the hat right off his head. The blast was so strong, it was rumoured to have actually damaged the puppet.
  • Notice how he's laughing as he dumps a comical amount of pepper sauce into the mixture. He knew exactly what he was doing.

1x16: Avery Schreiber

• Muppet Labs and the Gorilla Detector. Yes, now you too can be spared the heartbreak of gorilla invasion! Said as a gorilla invades the set, and moves on to attack Dr. Honeydew (who insists it can't possibly be a gorilla as it strangles him).
• A dialogue-free sketch sees Avery as a museum security guard sitting down to enjoy lunch — a sandwich and an apple — in front of a picture of Fozzie... which turns out to be the real Fozzie posing in a frame. Throughout the sketch, he freezes in a pose whenever Avery is watching, but comes to life when his back is turned. While Avery is retrieving his napkin after dropping it, Fozzie steals his apple, but loses his grip on it. As Avery retrieves it, Fozzie steals his sandwich instead. Avery gets an "I think I know what's going on here" look and walks off, while Fozzie grins and points at him as if to say "I sure got him, didn't I?" before tucking into the sandwich... not noticing Avery appear in the frame next to him until he starts throttling him. Then Rowlf shows up with his lunch, so Avery and Fozzie freeze into a suitable pose. After Rowlf accidentally knocks his fork off the table and bends down to pick it up, Avery and Fozzie grab his lunch and divide it between themselves, leaving Rowlf stunned.
• In "At the Dance", when Animal's dance partner unwisely agrees that they should "boogie", he "dips" her by dropping her on the floor.
  Whatnot girl: They shouldn't allow his kind in here!
  Rowlf: You're right, he's a lousy dancer!

1x17: Ben Vereen

• Any time another Muppet mentions an explosive related word, Crazy Harry will usually appear and blow something up — as Ben Vereen found out the hard way.

1x18: Phyllis Diller

• Hilda claims she's 35. Scooter asks Fozzie if she could really be 35, and Fozzie, without missing a beat, says "Only around the waist." There you have it: the one time Fozzie was actually funny. Too bad he wasn't on stage.
• Fozzie gets pointers in comedy from Phyllis, only to start having a breakdown.

1x19: Vincent Price

• The entire episode is priceless, but by far the best part is where he gets chomped by vampire!Kermit.
• The episode begins with Kermit assuring the audience that it will be a special, spooky episode free of their usual slapstick. At which point Fozzie shows up and smashes a pie in his face.
• One particular Statler and Waldorf bit involves them talking about the spirit of Thudge McGerk, supposedly still haunting theaters. Cue the monster: exactly as described. Statler is literally scared out of his seat, falling to the gallery below.
  Waldorf: Listen, on your way back up, bring some popcorn!
  Thudge: (Gibberish)...butter!
  Waldorf: With butter!
• Vincent plays a nobleman who is accompanied by a beautiful assistant and a hideously deformed monster.
  Fozzie: Oh, hideously deformed is right!
  Uncle Deadly: Watch it! I'm the beautiful assistant!
  • Fozzie and Gonzo later find out the hard way that Price undergoes a horrific transformation at the stroke of midnight...
    Uncle Deadly: Because, every night at the stroke of midnight, the master turns into a screaming, maniacal, raging, blood-lusting animal!
    Vincent Price: And then I get mean!
    [Later...]
    Uncle Deadly: No, something's different! Oh, quick; what night is it?
    Fozzie and Gonzo: New Year's Eve?
    Uncle Deadly: Oh, no! This is too cruel! Too inhuman!
    Fozzie: What?! What?! What is?! What?! Tell! Tell! What?! What?!
    Uncle Deadly: On New Year's Eve...the Master turns into...Jack Parnell!
    [Vincent turns around, revealing that he's wearing a New Year's cap and blowing a noisemaker while conducting an orchestra playing "Auld Lang Syne." The Muppets run away screaming.]
  • For those who are baffled, Jack Parnell was the leader of the in-house orchestra at the ATV/ITC Elstree facilities, composing much of the music for The Muppet Show, as well as the bombastic tune from the ITC "Spinning Diamonds" logo; the first recording used Guy Lombardo ^note his band was famous for their decades-long run of New Year's Eve specials on radio and TV in the US; "Auld Lang Syne" was his theme song, with "Jack Parnell" looped in for the UK version, but the UK version has been used since the mid-80s and the Lombardo version is now considered lost.
• In the same episode, Kermit meets a new actor.
  Scooter: Hey boss, there's someone here wanting to audition.
  Kermit: Okay. Who is he?
  Scooter: Well, it's not exactly a he.
  Kermit: Okay. Who is she?
  Scooter: Well, it's not exactly a she.
  Kermit: Scooter, this rather severely limits the possibilities. Would you please explain yourself?
  Scooter: Well, it's sort of a they.
  Kermit: Ah, you mean there's more than one.
  Scooter: Not really.
  (beat)
  Kermit: This go-fer's about to become a gone-fer. SCOOTER, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!
  Scooter: Uh, that.
  (Kermit sees that it's a three-headed monster)
  Monster: (in unison) Hi, Mr. Frog. Can we be on your show?
  Kermit: Good grief. It's a triple-header!
• The closing number has Vincent Price dressed in a fright wig, in a creepy room, as he plays a gothic pipe organ. Uncle Deadly, ghosts and Frackles join in to sing... 'You've Got a Friend,' a song that is an unreserved offer of emotional support.

1x20: Valerie Harper

• The beginning of the show has Valerie reveal she's so desperate to get a part doing anything, she's sabotaged the act that was meant to go on.
• After Valerie auditions with a big elaborate "I'm Just a Broadway Baby" number, Kermit lets her on.
  Kermit: Oh, that was great! You were just wonderful, Valerie! I tell you, you're going out on that stage a star, but you're gonna be coming back a chorus girl!
  Valerie: ...I'm not sure that's what I had in mind.
• Swedish Chef making a cake. Until it turns out the cake is alive. And it speaks mock Japanese (which the Chef has to use a dictionary to translate into mock Swedish). Chef finally gets fed up and brings out the "cakensmoosher" (a baseball bat). Bonus points for Richard Hunt's totally unscripted Corpsing at the 40-second mark!

1x21: Twiggy

• This exchange between Sam the Eagle and his dancing partner during "At the Dance".
  Sam's Partner: What's the difference between immoral and illegal?
  Sam the Eagle: "Immoral" is doing bad things. "Illegal" is me with a tummy ache. [Collective Groan] I didn't write it.

1x22: Ethel Merman

• Whenever Statler and Waldorf heckle Fozzie! They're like a comedy trio! A particularly funny one shows up in this episode when Fozzie gets so tired of it he turns around and tells the audience that when he turns around, he wants to see nothing but real Fozzie fans. Everybody leaves. Even his cousin.

1x23: Kaye Ballard

• The couch gag of Fozzie making a joke runs into unexpected criticism.
  Fozzie: Did you hear the one about the fat pig?
  Ms. Piggy: Did you hear the one about the flat bear?! (karate chops him)
• The orchestra gets into a dispute with Kermit over the show's theme song, and eventually go on strike, leaving Nigel (the song's composer) conducting Rowlf playing solo on the piano as the credits roll:
  Rowlf: You must admit, Nigel, this does sound kind of square.
  Nigel: Play, hound, play!
• Kermit, trying to get the band to stay, makes the mistake of asking Animal's opinion.
  Kermit: Animal, you like the theme, don't you?
  Animal: YEAH, YEAH!
  Floyd Pepper: No!
  Animal: NO, NO!
• Later on, Kaye starts working as a translator for Animal to Kermit, then suggests Animal discuss the matter with him. Animal's idea of discussion involves attacking Kermit.
• Kaye's musical number of "One Note Samba" has Ms. Piggy interrupting to upstage her. Kaye refuses to be upstaged, and the two get into a musical back-and-forth through the song.

1x24: Mummenschanz

• Kermit suckering Miss Piggy into agreeing to go to dinner with Gonzo, ending with Gonzo pressing his nose into her face and sheepishly saying, "Kissy kissy?" Followed by Miss Piggy forcing an apology from Kermit while Gonzo is still trying to hug her. "YOU'RE BREATHING ON ME!"
  Kermit: Uh, well... well, Piggy, while I appreciate this offer of affection, I hope you'll understand when I tell you, as usual, that I do not want you.
  Gonzo: Oh, then, can I have her?
  (Piggy is standing between Kermit and Gonzo during this time, and she gives them both a karate chop at once, one in each hand.)
  Miss Piggy: (to audience) That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.

Season 2

2x01: Don Knotts

• The Teaser has Scooter finding Don cowering behind his table, with a folding screen in the background:
  Don Knotts: Listen, nobody told me I had to share a dressing room!
  Scooter: Didn't they tell you about her?
  Don Knotts: Her!?
  (Gorgon Heap pops his head out from behind the screen, wearing a feathered crown)
  Gorgon Heap: Whassamatter, sweetie? You don't like chorus girls?
  Scooter and Don Knotts: (Aside Glance)
• The "Windmills of Your Mind" number, which turns the tune into a frantically-spewed Sanity Slippage Song.
• The Swedish Chef making “fishie chowder”. However, the fish refuses to cooperate, forcing the Chef to try bludgeoning it with a spoon. It gets back at him by biting him in the face.
• The credits gag with Statler and Waldorf.
  Statler: That was awful!
  Waldorf: Disgusting!
  Statler: Terrible!
  Waldorf: See you next week?

2x02: Zero Mostel

• The episode begins with Kermit trying to introduce for the culture lovers in the audience (and certain loud eagles in the wings) will be classical music. Then Fozzie interrupts to say there's been a change of schedule.
  Kermit: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting "Chopin's Polonaise in A Flat" performed by Doctor Teeth.
  Sam: What.
• Sam goes to complain about the show not being "cultural". He gets zinged by Beautiful Day Monster and complains about that too. Kermit says one days Sam will get his just desserts, as Beautiful Day returns.
  Sam: What's that?
  Beautiful Day Monster: Just dessert!
  (Beautiful Day pies Sam in the beak)
• Sam the Eagle wants to know what will be on the show's program. One of the events, thanks to Scooter's uncle demanding them and Kermit needing the money he provides to pay the band, will be lady wrestlers... Sam reacts poorly.
  Sam (with contempt and horror): LADY WRESTLERS?!
• With no lady wrestlers available Kermit wonders where he will find a suitable woman to fill the role. One tough, athletic, bloodthirsty... Lo, and behold, Miss Piggy appears, and Kermit makes the foolish choice of trying to talk Miss Piggy into taking part.
  Floyd Pepper: (as Piggy chases Kermit with intent to kill) Ten to one on the pig.
  Piggy: LADY WRESTLERS?!! RRRAAAAAAGH!
• As a result, a lady wrestler who's been hanging around the studio goes up against the mysterious Miss Mask. Poor Kermit...
• Zero Mostel does the impossible: He upstages a Muppet. (Jump to the 2-minute mark.)
• Rowlf and Zoot do a performance of "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes". This being The Muppets, things go wrong when Zoot's sax starts producing actual smoke.

2x03: Milton Berle

• The episode opens with the Muppets' take on a Running Gag from Berle's stage shows and TV series from the 1940s and 1950s, in which someone would yell "MAKE-UP!" and clobber him with a giant powder puff. In this case, Timmy Monster is the puff-wielder, and a stunned Berle is left covered head to stomach in powder.
• Berle takes over for Fozzie Bear, and Statler and Waldorf rip into him, just as his supporting cast members always did in his TV heyday. But they've got a fight on their hands. (Behold!)
  Berle: I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
  Waldorf: How come we got this half?
  (later)
  Statler: You want to know what you're doing wrong?
  Berle: What am I doing wrong?
  Statler: You're standin' too close to the audience!
  Berle: Oh, I am? (moves back a step) How's this?
  Statler: You're still too close.
  Berle: Oh, I'm sorry. (moves back again) Is this okay?
  Statler: A little more.
  Berle: ...How far back do you want me to go?
  Statler: You got a car?
  (later still)
  Berle: You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.
  Waldorf: Please, not while I'm holding it!
  Berle: That's pretty funny...
  Waldorf: You can use it!^note  A poke at Berle's reputation as a notorious joke thief. Berle himself used to tell comedians he laughed so hard at their routines, he nearly dropped his pencil.
• At one point, Gonzo shows up on stage and asks Berle how things are going. Berle complains about how Statler and Waldorf have been doing nothing but heckle him since he came out. Gonzo offers to help him out... then asks "Which way did you come in?" Berle grabs Gonzo by the nose and flings him offstage.
• Berle's musical number with Fozzie ("Top Banana") is also amusing. It's set up as though it's going to be a deep and meaningful number, with reflective piano music (particularly since an earlier number had Berle's take on "The Entertainer" delivered as a Lonely Piano Piece)...then the cheery music starts up and Berle emerges on stage, his suit and tie having magically transformed into a baggy clown outfit, and the slapstick begins.
  • During the number, Milton and Fozzie tell some of Vaudeville's oldest, corniest jokes - and through build-up and timing make them absolute rib-ticklers. There's a repeating joke throughout the song about Milton carrying a crate - "taking his case to court" - then a crate and a ladder - "Taking his case to a higher court" - and finally just an empty coat hanger.
  Milton: Do we have to do this joke?
  Fozzie: We gotta do it.
  Milton: Ugh. It's an oldie, pal.
  Fozzie: I know, I know, do it.
  Milton: You got a lot of guts pal, you know that?
  Fozzie: Go go go go, do it-
  Milton: Well feed me once more, please? Feed me-
  Fozzie: Hey! What happened in court?
  Milton: You ready? [holds up the hangar forlornly] I lost the suit!

2x05: Judy Collins

• Sam the Eagle talking to Statler while both of them are unaware that Waldorf is hanging on the edge. He tries to make his way back up while making jokes based on their conversation and the skit ends when Sam unknowingly slams his fist down on top of Waldorf's hand, causing him to fall to the ground.
• The Koozbanian Phoob, and their unique evolutionary defense against over-predation from being delicious: Namely, they evolve into whoever's nearby. So when Kermit's doing a report on them...
• Swedish Chef's interesting way of preparing salads: Usen der boom-boom, first by throwing the cabbage / brussel sprouts / coconut into the air and firing. The third time, however, he somehow hits a rubber chicken... then the coconut lands on his head.
• Link Hogthrob tries to sing "I Talk to the Trees" in a forest, but he only gets as far as the first line ("I talk to the trees, but they don't listen to me") when the trees decide they don't want to listen to him, and they all leave. It's Link's dispirited look at the end that really makes it funny.

2x06: Nancy Walker

• In a show riddled with screw-ups, Fozzie sets out to give Nancy Walker one decent introduction for her closing number. Unfortunately, Gonzo keeps whispering prompts to him until the bear snaps that he will not forget her name this time ... then walks off in annoyance.
  Gonzo: You forgot to introduce her!
  Fozzie: AAAAAAAGGHHHHHHH!!!
  Gonzo: [Exit, Pursued by a Bear]
• Thanks to Fozzie's screw-ups, At the Dance goes on at the same time as Veterinarian's Hospital, and since Miss Piggy told Kermit she'd dedicate the sketch to him, this results in everyone trying to do their gags around one another.
  Announcer: And so Dr. Bob has gone to the dance. Tune in next week when you'll hear Miss Piggy say...
  Piggy: This sketch is a disaster, Dr. Bob! What should we do?!
  Rowlf: What else? A big finish! (Chandelier falls onto Piggy)
• Sam gives an editorial about nudity, claiming that everyone is going around naked... under their clothes. Sam then continues to include animals being naked under their fur. And then he gets to birds... at which point he covers himself up and leaves the stage.

2x07: Edgar Bergen

• Bergen's dummy Charlie McCarthy mistakes Kermit for a toad loose in the theater.
  Edgar Bergen: Charlie, Kermit is supposed to be here.
  Charlie McCarthy: Yeah?
  Edgar: Yes. And besides, don't you know the difference between a frog and a toad?
  Charlie: No, I guess not.
  Kermit: Well, you see, frogs are handsome, debonair and charming, while toads are ugly and give you warts.
  Charlie: I see. I guess the toad is supposed to be here.
• Towards the end of the show, we get this priceless scene with Charlie McCarthy and Miss Piggy:
  Miss Piggy: For your information, you overdressed splinter, my heart belongs to Kermit.
  Charlie McCarthy: You, you're in love with a frog? (laughs)
  Miss Piggy: What are ya laughing at, mahogany mouth?
  Charlie McCarthy: You know what we used to do with frogs?
  Miss Piggy: No. You know what we used to do with wood?
  Charlie McCarthy: No.
  Miss Piggy: Chop it! Hi-YAH! (karate-chops him) OWWWWW!!!! Solid oak! Ow!
• During the interlude of the "Consider Yourself" number, Charlie greets the rest of the Muppets' cast;
  (Enter chickens)
  Charlie McCarthy: Remember girls, an egg a day keeps the hatchet away.
  (Enter pigs)
  Charlie McCarthy: And here's the bacon to go with the eggs!
  (Enter monsters)
  Charlie McCarthy: Bergen, this isn't a television show, this is a zoo!

2x08: Steve Martin

• With his breakthrough role in The Jerk and ensuing mainstream success still two years away when this episode was filmed in 1977, Steve Martin was at the absolute peak of his "wild and crazy guy" standup persona, and his guest appearance provides a hilarious snapshot of some of the staples of his routine — the "arrow through the head" prop (Scooter, on seeing Martin wearing the arrow and pulling a face to get into character, tells him he'll feel right at home), the over-the-top "Ex-CUUUUUSE ME!" Catchphrase (delivered to Kermit after being told the show has been cancelled to audition new acts), the comically bad balloon animals (a demonstration which is interrupted when a furious mother balloon resembling Rover from The Prisoner (1967) attacks him for stealing her children), and his meandering "Ramblin' Guy" performance with banjo accompaniment... all adding up to an ideal introduction to the insanity of his 1970s standup performances.
• There's a Running Gag involving a sweet, innocent-looking girl who tries to audition an act with a frog. Her act consists of singing various songs, while the frog substitutes words starting with "R" with "ribbit" ("Waaaaaay down upon the Swanee..." "Ribbit!" "...Far, far away...") Each time, a cane comes in from offstage and yoinks her off, as the frog laughs. It turns out it's Miss Piggy, pissed at the thought of there being another female singer on the show.
• One of the auditions is Baskerville the Hound imitating Fozzie, right down to the hat, neck-tie and voice. Fozzie borrows the cane to drag him off-stage after one joke. When Kermit insists that he needs to be open-minded about this, on comes the next audition...Lenny the Lizard doing a Kermit imitation.
• In the UK spot, Gonzo tries to pitch his new act during the auditions: Dancing Cheese. Kermit isn't interested, but since he's waiting for Scooter to return with the list of acts, Gonzo is able to get his foot in the door anyway:
  Gonzo: Well, at least let me tell you about the act!
  Kermit: No. [louder] Scooter!
  Gonzo: I'm gonna tell you anyway.
  Kermit: I won't listen.
  Gonzo: Dancing cheese.
  Kermit: ... Dancing cheese?
  Gonzo: [sing-song] You list-ened!...
  Kermit: Will somebody find Scooter!?
  Gonzo: Oh Kermit, she's a great dancer.
  Kermit: "She"? It's a female cheese?
  Gonzo: OF COURSE it's a female! You don't expect me to dance with a male, do you?
  Kermit: Uh, no, no, I...
  Gonzo: That'd look weird!
• Kermit finally gets rid of Gonzo as Scooter returns... and tells him the next act to audition is called Gonzales and Yolanda. Cut to a staging similar to the dancing chicken act of the Rich Little episode, with Gonzo in Mexican attire, spitting out a rose with a block of cheese next to him.
  Gonzo: (As the cheese dances) Arrrrrriba! Ole! El toro! Enchilada! Dance you little firebrand, dance!
• Statler and Waldorf decide to audition with a song and dance rendition of "The Varsity Drag".^note  Unusually, they are shown as full-body puppets; as with Kermit in the Gene Kelly episode three seasons later, their arms and legs were operated by puppeteers dressed in black to blend into the black background. Sam the Eagle loves their act — at last, the wholesome, moral, "normal", cultural acts that he has always desired might find a place on the Muppet stage. And then Scooter tells him the next act is Marvin Suggs and his All-Food Glee Club singing "Yes, We Have No Bananas".
  Sam: For one brief moment... there was light at the end of the tunnel. [Facepalms]
• Marvin Suggs is much kinder to the singing food than he is to the Muppaphones, and in the bridge of the song, we get a Hurricane of Puns with food themes:
  Marvin: Oh, I love my vegetables! How are you, cabbage?
  Cabbage: Oh, getting a-head!
  Marvin: How's the artichoke?
  Artichoke: Singing my heart out!
  Marvin: Oh, what is wrong, asparagus?
  Asparagus: I feel naked without my Hollandaise!
  Marvin: Come on, tomato, you're slow!
  Tomato: I'll ketch-up!

2x09: Madeline Kahn

• In The Teaser, after Scooter leaves, Sam bursts into Madeline's dressing room and blocks the door.
  Sam: I won't let you do it! Do you hear me? I won't let an artist of your beauty and integrity go out there and work on this weird, sick show!
  (Unbeknownst to Sam, while he was talking Madeline was donning a goofy wig and funny nose glasses. She turns to him, blows on a party favor and laughs)
  (Beat)
  Sam: (Opens door) You're on.
• The episode proper opens with one of the series' best-remembered musical numbers: Kermit performing "Happy Feet" while tap dancing... supposedly. He's only ever shown from the waist up (it wouldn't be until the Gene Kelly episode in Season 5 that we saw a full body shot of Kermit dancing), despite plenty of other camera tricks, creating a hilarious example of an Informed Ability.
• In the episode's Swedish Chef sketch, the Chef is trying to boil a lobster, only for a group of lobster banditos (two of whom are named Cisco and Pancho) to storm the set, firing pistols into the air (and occasionally at the Chef) and speaking mock Spanish in counterpoint to the Chef's mock Swedish, to rescue the captive lobster, Donna Maria. The Chef's utter disbelief as the banditos dash away again is the icing on the cake.
  Swedish Chef: [mock Swedish gibberish] What de hey?...
• Up, Up and Away! Rowlf's candelabra doesn't need to be asked twice and promptly blasts off like a rocket. His expression is priceless.
• Gonzo gets a crush on Madeline, which causes him to abandon his previous crush on the utterly uninterested Miss Piggy. Being Gonzo, he decides to tell Piggy this. To her face. And fails to notice how saying Madeline is not like Piggy at all (charming, talented, beautiful, intelligent) is a bad move, even as Piggy's quivering with rage.
  Gonzo: So you see, breaking up with you isn't painful at all.
  Piggy: Not until now. HI-YAH! (Punches Gonzo)
  Gonzo: (With his nose pushed into his mouth) I see what you mean.

2x10: George Burns

• "Gonzo fiddles while George Burns!"
  George Burns: I like that joke. It's a pleasure to hear something that's older than I am.
• In the Vet's Hospital sketch, the patient is a telephone. Not a Muppet-telephone, just a regular phone with a rotary dial. Hilarity Ensues as the cast makes one telephone pun after another, until...
  Rowlf: Nurse Piggy, do you have the next line?
  Piggy: (Trying to control her laughter) Y-yes, but I can't say it...
  Rowlf: How come?
  Piggy: THE LINE'S BUSY! (she, Rowlf, and Janice fall about laughing)
• The episode has an excellent medley wherein Burns gets a bunch of the muppets to act as a chorus. After they do a song with the line "Didn't wanna do it" repeated several times in the chorus, Gonzo keeps interrupting each song coming after that by singing "Didn't wanna do it" at the wrong times. It seriously has to be seen.

2x11: Dom DeLuise

• In one sketch, Dom is playing an explorer on the Planet Koozebane. He is bedevilled by these aliens that are poking their heads out of holes going "Merdlidop!", and at one point reaches into a hole to get them. His arm is pulled out of a different hole several feet away.
  Dom DeLuise: Ooh! My watch!
  Merdlidop: Quarter after six.

2x12: Bernadette Peters

• In The Teaser, when Scooter checks on Bernadette.
  Bernadette: Thank the Swedish Chef for sending in this lovely chicken sandwich.
  (The camera pulls back to reveal that the Chef has in fact smushed a whole chicken between sandwich filling. And the chicken is still alive.)
  Bernadette: Suddenly, I'm not hungry.
• A dramatization of "The Ant and the Grasshopper" has an ending narrator Sam the Eagle wasn't expecting: "The grasshopper drove his sports car to Florida, and the ant got stepped on. What?" He's so upset by this that he even turns up in the balcony to chastise Statler and Waldorf for finding it funny!
• In Veterinarian's Hospital this week, Doctor Bob's patient is...a shoe.
• On Muppet Labs, Dr. Honeydew demonstrates Bunsonium, a new element which appears to have no actual value they can determine whatsoever, and they've applied every test but one — drinking it. The minute he says this, Beaker pushes it across the table. But no dice.
• Swedish Chef versus the Chickens, round 1: He insists a chicken ("chicky-burdy") produce an egg for him to cook. The chicken is initially reluctant, until the chef produces a meat cleaver. The chicken seems to comply. Until the chef finds it's somehow laid a bomb. Which is lit. KABOOM!
• The episode begins with Kermit doing a duet with a Miss Mousey, much to the extreme ire of Piggy, who spends the rest of the episode out for her, even strong-arming Statler to boo her. At the end of the episode, when they think it's safe...
  Statler: Seriously, what did you think of Miss Mousey?
  Waldorf: I loved her.
  Statler: Me too.
  Miss Piggy: WHAT?!
  Statler and Waldorf: No, we didn't!

2x13: Rudolf Nureyev

• Sam's Nureyev mistake. He forces everyone to wear formal clothes and decorate the theater, thrilled that the show finally has a guest that meets his standard of "culture" — only to reveal that he thinks Nureyev is an opera singer rather than a ballet dancer. ("Six of one, half a dozen of the other. Culture is culture.") Then when Nureyev arrives wearing street clothes, Sam doesn't recognize him and throws him out, thinking he's a beatnik. At the end of the episode, Rudolf gets him back — his last number isn't ballet, it's "Top Hat, White Tie, and Tails:" a tap dance number. Sam can only Face Palm.
• Since Rudolf arrives late, the first act is Dr. Teeth and the band performing Boccherini (guess how Sam feels about that). To their credit, they try... until Animal has a Freak Out, which means the entire band follows.
  Dr. Teeth: Hey, what's this bummer called again?
  Floyd: "Minuet in G Major."
  Dr. Teeth: Huh. They ought to send it back to the minors.
• Then up next is two of the show singing a bit of Don Giovanni (although Kermit introduces it as "The Barber of Die Fledermaus, by Giuseppe Vagner... or Giuseppe Wagner^note  With an English W, not a German W."). Unfortunately, the two in question are Link Hogthrob and Miss Piggy, who spend most of the number trying to upstage one another, before Sam brings in a giant magnet.
• When Nureyev does get past Sam, he assures him he'll be doing something cultural. Namely, Swine Lake. It takes Sam a moment to register this.
  Sam: Ah, yes! Culture! Dignity at last! Cul- ...Swine Lake??
  • And the dance itself, with Nureyev dancing with a full-sized Muppet pig, must be seen to be believed.^note As recounted by Brian Henson in his intro to this episode, Nureyev wanted to do the dance with Miss Piggy, but Jim Henson and company couldn't find a satisfactory way to overcome the fact that the Miss Piggy puppet usually has no legs and is generally only seen from the waist up, so they compromised with the "Pig Ballerina" costume.
• In deference to the cultural slant of this episode, "Veterinarian's Hospital" is themed as a tribute to William Shakespeare. Sam is probably left thinking "Be Careful What You Wish For" as the sketch plays out...
  Announcer: [as Rowlf (as Dr. Bob), Piggy, and Janice try to look like distinguished thespians while their patient, a piglet, lies on the operating table] And now, Veterinarian's Hospital. On this special episode, our quack who has gone to the dogs will pay tribute to William Shakespeare.
  Dr. Bob: Prithee, nurse, who be-eth our next patient?
  Janice: Why, this little piglet, sire.
  Dr. Bob: Not piglet, Hamlet. [the three medics and the patient laugh] Remember, we're doing Shakespeare here.
  Janice: Hmm, sounds more like Bacon. [all four laugh again]
  Dr. Bob: Say, this patient needs a transfusion. What's his blood type?
  Janice: Well, I think it's 2B, but I'm not sure.
  Dr. Bob: Well, make up your mind! 2B or not 2B? [he, Janice, and the patient laugh]
  Piggy: Gadzooks, they have no shame.
  Dr. Bob: [listening through his stethoscope] Say — I'm listening to this patient's heart. Zounds!
  Piggy: Zounds what?
  Dr. Bob: Zounds terrible! [all four laugh] Hey, the frog wanted Shakespeare, he's getting Shakespeare!
  Janice: But you're a doctor first!
  Dr. Bob: Right, doctor first, Richard II, Henry IV. [the three medics laugh; the patient shakes his head]
  Piggy: Methinks we should take our leave.
  Dr. Bob: Why?
  Piggy: Look at the time! [the three medics and the patient all turn — in four different directions — to look at the time]
  Dr. Bob: Hey, the timing of the shrew!
  Piggy: Are you calling me a shrew!?
  Dr. Bob: If the shrew fits... [all four laugh]
  Announcer: And so we leave Veterinarian's Hospital-on-Avon. [as usual, the three medics — and the patient — are startled and look up (down, in the patient's case) as if trying to see where the voice is coming from] Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Bob say...
  Dr. Bob: Alas, poor pork... I knew thee well! [all four fall about laughing]
  [cut to Statler and Waldorf's box]
  Statler: Now that really offended me. I'm a student of Shakespeare.
  Waldorf: Ahh! You were a student with Shakespeare! [smirks]
• Later on, Piggy talks to Kermit about their upcoming duet, turning angry when Kermit mentions that they're not doing a duet...until he tells her she's doing a duet with Rudolf. The poor man then has to do "Baby, It's Cold Outside" with an amorous Piggy desperate to get him out of his Modesty Towel. It eventually ends with Rudolf escaping Piggy by going through the wall.

2x14: Elton John

• The episode took place at the time of Elton's career where he wore those crazy costumes,^note  Although Brian Henson said in the introduction to a video release of the episode that when his father and the other writers asked Elton what he'd like to do for his guest appearance, he was amenable to anything except dressing up in elaborate costumes and glasses. and naturally had fun with this. At one point, Sam expresses his dislike of Elton to Kermit, namely, that he dresses "like a stolen car". He's also outraged when Kermit claims Mozart wore high heels, wigs, and silk stockings, and states that if it's proven true, he'll eat his hat and introduce Elton's next number. Right then, Scooter comes in with a painting of Mozart, wearing period heels, silk stockings, and a powdered wig.
  Scooter: Hey, guys, check out this painting of Mozart Elton John gave me! Love those high heels and silk stockings!
  Sam: (Looking at the painting in horror) What?
  Scooter: Hey, Sam, you'd look great in a powdered wig!
  Sam: (To the audience) Good grief! I've been hornswoggled!
• Two "Whatnot" Muppets promptly show up with a changing screen and shove Sam into an elaborate costume — and, at Kermit's prodding, he starts eating the hat after introducing Elton and Miss Piggy performing "Don't Go Breaking My Heart".
  Miss Piggy: EAT YOUR HEART OUT, KIKI!^note Referring to Kiki Dee, Elton's partner in the original performance.
• Swedish Chef versus the Chickens round 2: This time, the chicken only lays ping-pong balls. Chef reaches breaking point, and starts chasing the chicken around the kitchen with a Frying Pan of Doom. This then continues through the rest of the episode, including their gatecrashing the week's installment of "PIIIIGS! IN! SPAAAAAACE!" until eventually things turn around, and the chicken starts chasing the chef.
• At the end of the episode, the Muppets are all dressed in flamboyant costumes. When Kermit introduces Elton for the final goodbye, the guest star comes out in a plain brown suit.
  Scooter: Boy, Elton, you look weird!
  Elton: Well, you're all dressed like stolen cars.

2x15: Lou Rawls

• During The Teaser:
  Sam: Mr. Rawls? I wanted to tell you that I greatly respect your talent, and I've followed your career from its very beginning.
  Lou Rawls: Thank you, Sam.
  Sam: It's just too bad it has to end here.
  (Lou Rawls makes a very worried Aside Glance.)
• The "Veterinarian's Hospital" sketch manages to get double mileage out of the same set of jokes (well, nearly the same):
  Announcer: [as Janice and Miss Piggy look around as if waiting for their cues while Rowlf, as Dr. Bob, licks his front paw and smooths the fur on his head] And now, "Veterinarian's Hospital", the continuing sto-o-o-ory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
  Dr. Bob: On to the next patient! [lifts up the sheet and... sees an empty operating table] What's this? He was here a minute ago!
  Janice: Oh, wow, this is happening a lot lately!
  Piggy: What is?
  Janice: Dr. Bob is losing his patients! [she and Piggy laugh]
  Dr. Bob: That's untrue! [pounds the table] I never lose my patience!
  Piggy: What about the patient you accidentally fed nitroglycerine to? [all three laugh, Dr. Bob Facepalming in embarrassment]
  Dr. Bob: Him I lost! [all three laugh again] But I found him again!
  Janice: [chuckles] Where?
  Dr. Bob: In Iowa, Minnesota, North and South Dakota! [all three laugh]
  Piggy: That was him all over. [all three laugh again]
  Announcer: So, once again, Dr. Bob has come to nothing. [as usual, the three "medical professionals" are startled and look toward the ceiling, wondering where the voice is coming from] Tune in next time when you'll hear him say-
  Dr. Bob: Hey! Who are you?
  Announcer: Who?
  Janice: You!
  Piggy: You know, the voice we keep hearing in here?
  Announcer: I'm the announcer. I'm the guy who says, [theme music cues up again; Rowlf straightens the sheet on the operating table, licks his paw, and smooths down the fur on his head again] "And now, 'Veterinarian's Hospital', the continuing sto-o-o-ory of a quack who's gone to the dogs."
  [the rest of the sketch proceeds slightly faster than before]
  Dr. Bob: Well, on to the next patient! [lifts up the sheet and... sees an empty operating table] What's this? He was here a minute ago!
  Janice: Oh, wow, this is happening a lot lately!
  Piggy: What is?
  Janice: Dr. Bob is losing his patients! [she and Piggy laugh]
  Dr. Bob: Untrue! [pounds the table] I never lose my patience!
  Piggy: What about the one you fed nitroglycerine to? [all three laugh]
  Dr. Bob: Him I lost! [all three laugh again] But I found him again!
  Janice: [chuckles] Where?
  Dr. Bob: In Maryland, Virginia, North and South Carolina! [all three laugh]
  All three: THAT'S HIM ALL OVER! [they all laugh again]
  Announcer: And so, Dr. Bob has done all the same jokes twice. [the others still look at the ceiling in confusion] Tune in next time when you'll hear Nurse Janice say:
  Janice: Shall we go for thirds? [all three laugh]
  Dr. Bob: No — that would try my patience! [all three laugh again]
  Piggy: [sotto voce] You don't have any patients!
  Dr. Bob: Uh, oh, I would if it weren't for that dumb nitroglycerine! [all three howl with laughter]
• Fozzie is trying a routine wherein he performs comedy on roller skates... which might have been a better idea if he knew how to skate. This forces the Swedish Chef up the bill before he's ready, which nearly has disastrous consequences for Kermit's nephew Robin...
  Swedish Chef: [backstage, speaks a few words of fake Swedish gibberish to Scooter]
  Scooter: I see. I'll tell him. Hey, Kermit?
  Kermit: [entering] Mmm?
  Scooter: The Swedish Chef says he's not ready to go on. You said he'd be on in the second half of the show!
  Fozzie: [zooming past on roller skates, screaming] HAAAA-WA-HA-HAAAAA!...
  Kermit: [walking over to the Chef with Scooter] Hey, well, listen, Chef, we've had to move things around a little.
  Fozzie: [zooming back again] KERMIIIIIT!...
  Kermit: Uh... in fact, some things are moving around quite a lot.
  Fozzie: [zooming back yet again] I think I've almost got it licked Ker-MIIIIIIT!... [clatters down the stairs to the stage door and crashes into the alley behind the theatre]
  Kermit: [to the fourth wall] Emphasis on the "almost". [to the Swedish Chef] Okay, let's go, Chef!
  Scooter: Come on!
  [cut to the Swedish Chef set; his theme music plays as Kermit and Scooter shove the still-protesting Chef into position]
  Kermit: There you go, Chef. [he and Scooter leave; the bewildered Chef picks up a whisk and a ladle and sings along to his theme, then throws the utensils toward Kermit and Scooter]
  Swedish Chef: [Swedish-sounding gibberish] sleesy slicy kneefy knify. [picks up a sharp-looking knife and points it at a covered platter on the table; more Swedish-sounding gibberish] frög's legs! [lifts the cover to reveal a terrified Robin]
  Robin: [as the Chef grabs his leg and brandishes the knife] Uhh... Uncle Kermit! Somebody! Anybody! HEEEEEELP!
  Kermit: [racing across the front of the set as Scooter grabs the Chef] Wait a minute! Hold it! Stop, cut, cut, cut!
  Robin: [as Scooter shoves the protesting Chef off the set again] Don't say "cut", say "stop"!
• This episode's Muppet Labs invention is a nuclear-powered shaver, which naturally Bunsen expects the ever-reluctant Beaker to demonstrate — but to stop his hair from falling out as a result of exposure to radiation, Beaker has to wear a lead helmet. The helmet is so heavy, his head is pushed down until only his eyes and nose are still above his collar. As Bunsen says, "Now Beaker doesn't need a shave!"

2x16: Cleo Laine

• Fozzie repeatedly tries to hijack the show because his mom's in the audience, and he wants to show off.
• Cleo does an act with the Electric Mayhem, but she's reluctant to name-drop Animal, in case it sets him off. The band reassure her this won't happen — they've nailed Animal's feet to the ground.
• Fozzie gets so desperate to be on stage he replaces Ms. Piggy for "PIGS! IN! SPACE!", by stealing her outfit and putting on a wig. No-one notices. Link almost does, but he just thinks Piggy's fuzzier than usual. Then he tries to kiss 'her'.
  Fozzie: It's not that kind of show, ma!
• Things do not get better off-stage, as Link continues to chase "Piggy", while the real Piggy is out for Fozzie's blood. Fozzie tries removing the wig, but this just outrages Link further.
  Link: Imposter! Imposter!
• Finally, in order to save himself, Fozzie convinces the two to attack Kermit. Somehow, this works.
• And for a third time, Fozzie tries to do a phrenology act, using Kermit.
  Fozzie: (as he twists Kermit's head this way and that) I can see in your future... Tomorrow, yes, tomorrow... you will have a stiff neck!
• Then, at the end of the show, it turns out this was all completely pointless: Mother Fozzie has been asleep through the whole show.
• Cleo does a duet of "You're Just in Love"... with the Swedish Chef.

2x17: Julie Andrews

• Gonzo's bizarre act is sitting on a flagpole while playing Mozart's Eine kleine nachtmusik on the bagpipes. Everything goes well until a beaver begins chewing on the flagpole and then... TIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMBEEEEEEEEERRRRRRR!!!! Just look at the way that Jim Henson puppeteers the beaver and try not to laugh!
• Meanwhile, there's a running gag about a real-life cow which has somehow wound up in the theatre, and nobody's sure who it belongs to. Gonzo, of course, asks her out on a date. Swedish Chef paints it (in preparation for cutting it up into meat), and eventually the Zucchini Brothers adopt it for their human cannonball act. It's only at the end we learn who brought the cow: Julie herself, who's wondering where it went... just as a cannon goes off.
  Kermit: What's a cow doing in here?
  Scooter: What cow? (turns his head and sees the cow standing right there) Kermit, there's a cow in here!
• Sam's latest editorial is complaining about the weirdoes and "namby-pamby" conservationists seeking to halt industrialization in favor of wildlife preservation. He's even brought a list of those creatures...
  Sam: The coyote! The mountain lion! The American Bald Eagle! ... American Bald Eagle? (checks list to confirm) ... this list is now inoperative.

2x18: Jaye P. Morgan

• This episode starts off with a bang — the first of many. Scooter gives Jaye P. the "Fifteen seconds to curtain!" warning, and she gives him... a lit bomb, which promptly explodes.
  Jaye P.: [to camera] This is not going to be just another cute puppet show!
• As Kermit tells the audience, the opening number, "Tweedlee Dee", was first performed by the Muppets in the mid-1950s (presumably, but not definitely, on Sam and Friends). Jaye P. is cast as the "lead" and must perform in a ridiculous bird costume, and she spends the sketch grumbling about how dumb the song is and how much difficulty she had getting to the theatre. She carries on regardless, and we get the inevitable joke — complete with lampshade — from Statler and Waldorf:
  Statler: Oh, Jaye P. Morgan is terrific.
  Waldorf: Yeah, but that song is for the birds. [laughs]
  Statler: [Disapproving Look] You had to do that joke, huh?
  Waldorf: [to camera] One of us had to, and I lost the toss. [laughs as Statler continues glaring at him]
• Swedish Chef versus "der cocernoot" (coconut). It takes several spirited efforts before he gets it open. And there's a bomb inside.
  Statler: Now, wait just a second! that's the second time tonight they've used a bomb joke! [Waldorf produces a lit bomb, which explodes, startling Statler]
  Waldorf: [laughs] Three's a charm!
• After Jaye P.'s indignation over the cutesy nature of the first number, Kermit tries sending a cake up to her dressing room to be nice.
  Fozzie: Wait — Kermit! Not the cake that was here on the table? [gestures]
  Kermit: Uh, yeah, why?
  Fozzie: [Facepalms] Ohh... Crazy Harry baked it!
  [on cue, Crazy Harry pops up behind Kermit, cackling like a lunatic, and blows up Jaye P.'s dressing room; she staggers out with an Ash Face, coughing]
  Jaye P.: Hey, Kermit... can we get back to the cute part? [faints]
• For "PIGS! IN! SPACE!", the Swinetrek is plummeting toward Earth and must jettison weight. Specifically, the weight of exactly one crew-member. It can't be Link, because he's the captain, and it can't be Dr. Strangepork because he's the only one who knows who to work the ship, so...
  Link: (to Ms. Piggy) Au revoir, fatso!
  Ms. Piggy: (having wound up behind him, despite having just been dumped out the ship) Fatso this! Hiii-ya!
• In one of his periodic lectures to the audience, Sam the Eagle engages in a bit of moralising about the importance of being vigilant in the face of a rise in burglaries... not noticing a gang of burglars stealing the set from around him, and finally stealing Sam himself!
  Sam: [as the burglars carry him past Kermit backstage] Kermit!...
  Kermit: Hey, you guys better return that eagle!... In about thirty days! [to himself] Or more.

2x19: Peter Sellers

• Rowlf's contribution to Kermit's frustration throughout the episode. Kermit introduces him to play a "nice, quiet number", and it certainly plays as such, until...
  When the leaves of the old oak tree start a rustlin'
  And the waterfall makes sounds like women's tears
  When the whole world is filled with Mother Nature's noises...
  That's the time to stuff cotton in your ears!
• Muppet Show head writer Jerry Juhl said in interviews that Sellers felt the Muppets were and should remain the true stars of their own show rather than playing second fiddle to the guest stars, but that didn't mean he wasn't given opportunities to show off his comic genius. In place of the "talk" sketch in which the guest has a one-on-one conversation with Kermit as "themselves",^note  As has often been observed, Sellers' line "There is no me" wasn't a joke; he had spent so much of his career Lost in Character that he told Juhl and the other writers he could be Queen Victoria, but he couldn't be himself, as he didn't know how. he dresses in a Viking helmet and beard, girdle, and single boxing glove and recites the opening soliloquy from Richard III while playing "tuned chickens" (read: holding a chicken under each arm and squeezing them to make them cluck after every few words, ending with "Shave and a haircut — two bits!") as Kermit watches. However...
  Kermit: Yes, that act is really wonderful — but you can't do that on our show.
  Sellers: Whyever not?
  Kermit: Well, because Gonzo just did it last month.
  Gonzo: [entering] And it died, Peter! Ugh, it was terrible! I mean, they've got no taste around here!
• Later in the episode, Sellers channels one of his most beloved roles — the title character in Dr. Strangelove — as a demented masseur named Dr. Merkwürdigliebe^note  Which Strangelove fans will know is both the German word for "strange love" and supposedly the mad doctor's original name. whose treatment of Link Hogthrob is less physical therapy and more psychopathic therapy. First, he rolls up Link's legs as if they were pastry, then, when they are good and pliable, he pulls them up over his back and ties them around his chest. As Link hobbles past a worried Kermit, he describes it as the best massage he's ever received; "That Peter O'Toole is good!"
• Kermit undergoes Sanity Slippage over the course of the episode thanks to Bunsen Honeydew's new teleporter, which makes objects and characters (mostly Beaker, true to form) randomly appear and disappear right next to him. His mood is not helped when Fozzie tells him one of their acts, Prunella and her Prancing Poultry, had to cancel, as "Yesterday... duck hunting season began." Fozzie removing his hat and solemnly putting it over his chest just adds to the humour. A chagrined Kermit tells the audience the next act is otherwise engaged... with a lot of orange sauce.^note  Although the episode then shifts to heartwarming as Kermit re-assures himself with a rendition of "Bein' Green".
• When we finally cut to the Muppet Labs sketch for Bunsen's demonstration of the teleporter, Kermit is furious to discover the root cause of his near nervous breakdown; Bunsen bundles him into the teleporter and zaps him away. He then explains that he sent Beaker to Africa minutes earlier and will now beam him back again... only for Beaker to be tangled up with an ape. Bunsen sends them back to Africa, telling Beaker to put the ape back ("You don't know where he's been!"), then claims he will now summon Beaker and only Beaker... only for the ape to return with his arms around an even more furious Kermit.
  Kermit: [struggling to free himself from the ape's grasp] This sort of thing has got to stop! Honeydew!...
  Bunsen: [moving front and centre to hide the scuffle between Kermit and the ape as best he can] Uh, that's all today from Muppet Labs...
  Kermit: You bet that's all! [he continues to struggle with the ape]
• The random appearances and disappearances continue through the closing credits:
  Statler: [to Waldorf] Well, what did you think? [Waldorf disappears with a pop] Yeah, I know what'cha- [disappears with a pop]

2x20: Petula Clark

• There's a Moose running around backstage. His name is Mickey Moose. Kermit is not amused. It helps that they milk this gag for all its worth, even having the muppets run around with Mickey Moose hats and parodying the Mickey Mouse Club... and the moose being picked up by a duck named Ronald at the end. And let's not forget how Hilarious in Hindsight this is, considering Disney owns the Muppets now! Even better? They just launched the Muppet Show on Disney Plus.
• In the Swedish Chef sketch, he declares he's going to prepare Chocolate Mousse. Of course, this being the Swedish Chef, something's not quite right. In this case, it's the fact he's actually planning to make Chocolate Moose. As in the Chef starts brushing chocolate on Mickey Moose. Unfortunately, not everyone gets to see Kermit's panicked reaction to this.
  Kermit: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Cease! Enough! Stop! Curtain! Cut!

2x21: Bob Hope

• The Running Gag of Hope not being able to stay for more than a few seconds with the Muppets because of his busy schedule.^note  A case of real life writing the plot; Hope really was overbooked when he appeared on The Muppet Show, which is why his appearances are so brief. He always passes by dropping the name of some other show he's arranged to be part of. As Kermit put it, "There goes our guest star. In fact, there goes everybody's guest star!"
• The "Pig Calypso" number, where Miss Piggy sings about her love for Kermit. Kermit is given a chance to sing the last verse:
  Kermit: "Frog has come to have his say/ The pig will never get her way. Bib and napkin, knife and fork/ Is the only way that I'll touch pork."
• Floyd informs Kermit that Animal has gotten bored with wrestling alligators and has switched to bowling, a move Kermit heartily approves as "much safer."
  Floyd: I don't know, man. Animal bowls overhand.
  [Cue barrage of flying bowling balls from offscreen.]
  Animal: STRIKE!
• Kermit plays up how great the cowboy sketch will be, and Hope agrees to do it, only for Gonzo to spill the beans:
  Gonzo: Just because my bread impersonations are canceled, don't think that you can talk me into doing that lousy cowboy sketch, OK?
  [Kermit stammers and hurriedly pushes Gonzo out of the room.]
  Hope: You know how it feels to be conned by a frog?
• During the closing cowboy number set to "Don't Fence Me In", Hope has this exchange with Paul Revere the horse:
  Hope: Are you ready to do a song?
  Paul Revere: Sure, why not?
  Hope: But wait a minute! We're in the middle of the desert! Where is the music coming from?
  Paul Revere: There's a tape deck in the saddle.
  [Hope ejects the cassette from said tape recorder, looks at the cassette, then to the audience]
  Hope: A stereophonic horse!

2x22: Teresa Brewer

• One skit has Teresa and Sweetums recreating Fragonard's The Swing while Teresa sings a showtune cover of "Spinning Wheel". Except Brewer can't get past the first line ("What goes up must come down") because Sweetums keeps pushing her too hard; first, Sweetums pushes her off screen and gets hit by Brewer while waiting for the backswing, then he pushes her so hard she goes flying off the swing, leading to Brewer walking in all disheveled and smacking Sweetums with her hat.
• Miss Piggy spends the whole episode struggling to lose weight. She not only fails, but when she checks her weight at the end of the episode, the scale breaks under her!

2x23: John Cleese

• The tone for the episode is set by The Teaser, in which Scooter's usual "X seconds to curtain!" message is delivered to a Bound and Gagged Cleese, who Scooter says cannot leave until he's done the show. The laughs follow thick and fast from there...^note  In reality, Cleese was delighted to be a guest on the show and contributed extensively to the script; the premise that, "in character", he really didn't want to be there was his idea.
• As Kermit delivers the introduction, Fozzie hands him a note from the stagehands; it seems they accidentally dropped a weight from high in the rafters. Well, not just a weight...
  Kermit: [reading note] Uh, let's see... it says, "Dear Kermit — We are sorry we dropped that heavy weight, but we hope it doesn't do any damage when it hits the floor." [as he reads, we hear the sound of something falling, and the weight lands just behind him, much to his alarm; he goes back to the note] Um... "P.S. Actually, we dropped two weights." [we hear the sound of something falling again, and a second weight lands just behind Kermit, frightening the life out of him again; he turns to the audience, dazed] Um... hey, why don't you guys watch the opening number... I'm gonna lie down for a while... [faints]
• John complaining about having to work with pigs in the opening, especially the part where a monster eats his agent.
• For "Pigs in Space", Link Hogthrob is alone on the bridge when the ship is boarded by an energetic but inept pirate (John) and his parrot (Jerry Nelson).
  • As a confused Link tries to process this turn of events, the pirate and parrot bicker Like an Old Married Couple:
    Link Hogthrob: [hums to himself, then, dramatically] Ah, me. These long, late night watches. Ah, the loneliness of command... [he starts at the sound of someone beaming aboard, and a pirate with a sword, a hook on his left hand, and a parrot on his shoulder enters]
    Pirate: [stereotypical pirate voice] Ha-har! Avast there!
    Link Hogthrob: What the hey?...
    Pirate: Ha-har! This 'ere ship be under siege! [smashes a piece of equipment with his sword]
    Link Hogthrob: I beg your pardon... who are you?
    Pirate: I be Long John Silverstein! Ha-ha-ha-har! Deadliest pirate of the seven seas! [the parrot nods]
    Link Hogthrob: Y-You can't be a pirate!
    Pirate: [John Cleese's normal voice] Of course I'm a pirate! I've got a hat, a parrot and a hook! [points to each one in turn, then hands the hook to Link] What else should I be, a management consultant!?^note  Cleese had appeared in several management consulting instructional films at the time this episode was filmed.
    Link Hogthrob: [studies the hook] Okay... so you're a pirate. [hands the hook back]
    Pirate: So I'm a pirate. [grabs the hook with his right hand] Ah-ha-ha-har!
    Parrot: [sotto voce] Wrong hand, stupid!
    Pirate: What?
    Parrot: The hook was on the left hand!
    Pirate: [moves the parrot from his shoulder to the broken machine] Don't nag me now, I'm in the middle of laying siege!
    Parrot: [bitterly] We were going to spend the evening at home...
    Pirate: [quietly] Not now...
    Parrot: Oh, it's always the same...
    Link Hogthrob: Well, listen, uh, what is that you want exactly?
    Pirate: [stereotypical pirate voice] I'll tell ye, cap'n! [taps his chest with his hook hand] I be master of this ship now! [the hook gets caught in the frills on his shirt front, so when he tries to gesture to Link, he doesn't have it anymore; he looks down at his shirt front and spends a few seconds disentangling the hook]
    Parrot: Oh, I told you, just wear an eye patch, leave the hook at home, but you wouldn't listen...
    Pirate: [sotto voce] Button your beak!
  • Link points out the pirate's mistake in boarding the Swinetrek, but the pirate decides to press on — and discovers that the ship's construction has, to quote Link, "a design flaw":
    Link Hogthrob: This is all ridiculous, this is a spaceship!
    Pirate: What?!
    Link Hogthrob: This is the Swinetrek, bound for the other side of the universe! [the pirate puts his hand to his forehead as though shielding his eyes from the sun while he scans the horizon] You're supposed to be on an ocean someplace!
    Parrot: See? I told you so!
    Pirate: Shut up!
    Parrot: Oh, sure, shut up, shut up. Sure, yeah. But when you want somebody at home to share a cracker with or something, that's different. Just find somebody else to talk-
    Pirate: [cuts the parrot off with a Dope Slap, then holds his finger in the parrot's face] Watch it! [the parrot nips at his finger, causing the pirate to brandish his hook]
    Link Hogthrob: Uh, excuse me.
    Pirate: [normal voice] Sorry. [pirate voice] AHHH! [Link flinches; normal voice] Sorry. [pirate voice] Where be the crew of this 'ere tub now, cap'n?
    Link Hogthrob: Well, they're asleep. If you want 'em, you can call 'em on the intercom on the wall.
    Pirate: A pirate don't use an intercom! [exchanges a look with the parrot] 'Twould be sissy!
    Parrot: Don't be so fussy!
    Pirate: Oh, all right. [heads across to the intercom... however...] HAH! This be no intercom! This be a pay phone!
    Link Hogthrob: [nods] I know, it's a design flaw that slipped by us.
    Pirate: Pigs! [picks up the receiver and puts his hook on the phone hook] Where be me doubloons? [fishes around his pocket, then pulls out a doubloon] AH-HA-HAR! [several coins fall out of his pocket]
    Parrot: Look at those doubloons! Aww, we were broke, you said. That's why you didn't take me to dinner! We had to capture a ship, you said!
    Pirate: [normal voice] Listen, will you just...
    Parrot: Aww! You used to take me out all the time!
    Pirate: Later! We'll discuss it later!
    Parrot: You don't love me anymore.
    Pirate: Of course I love you, I am working now!
    Parrot: And you're making a lousy job of it!
  • The pirate reaches the limit of his patience with the parrot, leading to two incidents of Reckless Gun Usage that leave the Swinetrek in worse shape than usual:
    Pirate: [points his pistol at the parrot] You wanna be an ex-parrot!? [fires at the ceiling, setting off alarms and causing water to gush from the hole]
    Link Hogthrob: Wait a minute, two can play at that game! Take this! [fires a ray gun at the ceiling, setting off more alarms amid the hiss of escaping steam and crackle of circuits shorting out]
    Pirate: Abandon spaceship!
    Link Hogthrob: This has never happened before... [starts pulling levers on the console]
    Pirate: Man the bilge pumps!
    Parrot: Man the bilge pumps!
    Pirate: Prepare the hollandaise!
    Parrot: Prepare the hollandaise!
    Pirate: Deliver the punch line!
    Parrot: We already did that! [Link continues to pull levers on the console]
    Announcer: [over an exterior shot of the Swinetrek moving erratically] PIGS... IN... SPACE!...
• John's attempt to help Gonzo after he stretches out his arm while catching a cannonball. Thanks to an extended series of Comically Missing the Point and Exact Words moments from John, the sketch ends with all of Gonzo's limbs stretched out several feet, and Cleese slipping into Basil Fawlty mode as he screams "WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?"
  [John is brushing his moustache as Gonzo, one of his arms five feet long, enters his dressing room]
  Gonzo: Mr. Cleese, what am I gonna do?
  Cleese: Er, which one are you?
  Gonzo: I'm the ugly, disgusting one who catches cannonballs.^note  A Call-Back to John saying his contract stipulated that "the ugly, disgusting one who catches cannonballs" was one of the few Muppets with whom he had agreed to work.
  Cleese: Ah, yes.
  Gonzo: [sighs] Look at me.
  Cleese: Yes, it's horrible, isn't it. Still, not to worry, I know a plastic surgeon who can fix you up, [folds Gonzo's nose back] give you a little Roman number, something like that?
  Gonzo: [shakes his head] Nnnno, Mr. Cleese, it's not my nose, it's my arm!
  Cleese: Is it? Well, why's it in the middle of your face?
  Gonzo: [sighs again] Mr. Cleese, just forget about the nose, please.
  Cleese: ... well, I'll try, but I can't promise anything. [stretches out Gonzo's elongated arm] Now, er, what's wrong with this arm of yours?
  Gonzo: It's about five feet long.
  Cleese: Isn't that enough?
  Gonzo: Well, look at the other one!
  Cleese: [looks at Gonzo's other arm] Yes. Well, there's a problem.
  Gonzo: [sighs yet again] Look, all I want is both my arms to be the same length again.
  Cleese: [clearing his grooming kit off his dressing table] All right. Once, when I was in the Himalayas, Gonzo, I met a wise old man who taught me the ancient art of Gao-chu chin-gua.
  Gonzo: Were both his arms the same length?
  Cleese: As what?
  Gonzo: As each other.
  Cleese: [thinking] Well some of them were, yes. [picks Gonzo up and sets him down on his side on the dressing table, arm stretched out] Now, er, lie down, please, and I want you to keep repeating something over and over again. [puts his foot on Gonzo's torso] You understand?
  Gonzo: Something, something, something, [John takes Gonzo's un-elongated arm and begins pulling on it] SOME-THING... something, something, something... [continues as John checks the length against Gonzo's other arm, then stretches it further until they are the same length] Are you done?
  Cleese: There you are, Gonzo, both of your arms are the same length.
  Gonzo: [groans] Oh, no, I wanted them both short.
  Cleese: What?
  Gonzo: SHORT!
  Cleese: [impatiently] Oh, picky, picky, picky! Stand up! [sets Gonzo back on the floor] Are those your legs?
  Gonzo: Yes.
  Cleese: Right, sit. [sits Gonzo on the table] Now, get your arms out of the way — oh, Gonzo... [pushes Gonzo's arms aside, then grabs his right foot and begins stretching his right leg, causing his arms to shrink back, then stretches his left leg; Gonzo groans in pain as John coughs in exasperation until finally, Gonzo's arms are their usual size, but his legs are five feet long] There. Happy?
  Gonzo: No, I can't tie my shoes!
  Cleese: What!?
  Gonzo: SHOES!
  Cleese: [frustrated] Oh, GOD!- [he places the flat of his hand against Gonzo's torso, grabs both of his arms, and begins stretching them back to their previous length]
  Gonzo: YAHHH! Ugh- ahhh! [pants with exhaustion as John finishes stretching his arms so that all four of his limbs are now five feet long]
  Cleese: There. All right?
  Gonzo: Well-
  Cleese: [with his trademark eye-bulging fury] WHAT!? WHAT?! DO YOU WANT ME TO DO SOMETHING ELSE!?
  Gonzo: [immediately thinking better of pushing John further] NO, NO, I'M FINE! Fine! No problem!
  Cleese: [picking up one each of Gonzo's arms and legs and hurling them down again] Good, well just pull yourself together!
  Gonzo: [looking over the tangle of five-foot limbs attached to his torso, then at the camera] I wish I could...
• The musical number at the end of the episode, in which the Muppets coerce John into performing a Broadway-worthy rendition of "The Impossible Dream" from Man of La Mancha, and in particular the Muppets' response to Cleese's complaint that Kermit is failing in his duty to his guest.
  • "All right, where's the frog? WHERE'S THE FROG?!"
  • "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY HOST, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! KERMIT, I AM YOUR GUEST!" Cue Muppets (which include Sweetums, who grabs John, and various chickens among others): "THIS IS YOUR GUEST!! TO FOLLOW THAT STAR!! NO MATTER HOW HOPELESS, NO MATTER HOW FAAAARRR!''"
• The "Waiting at the Church" musical number, originally unique to the UK Spots section, takes a song about a woman being stood up by her fiancé, who turns out to have been cheating on his wife with her, and makes it surprisingly chuckle-worthy.
  • Firstly, the bride/singer, played by Miss Piggy, decides to double-down on the "woman in trouble" aspect of the song with a Pillow Pregnancy. Complete with Piggy knowingly petting and rubbing her "baby bump", just in case you didn't get the insinuation.
  • During a lull between verses, Piggy takes the opportunity to flirt with the "groom" — aka, Kermit, who dryly reminds her that this is just a sketch and they're not getting married for real, until he spoils the mood so much that Piggy orders him to get back to singing.
  • Once the song ends, Kermit asks if Piggy is going to take that silly pillow out from under her dress now. A defensive Piggy angrily snaps back that she likes having it there.

2x24: Cloris Leachman

• The episode gets off to a good start when Kermit is abducted mid-introduction by pigs, who are taking over the entire show. He's then replaced by Kermit the Pig, followed by Fozzie Pig, Vegetarian's Hospital ("The continuing story of a doctor who's gone hog wild") and the Swedish Pig Chef (who says "oink" instead of mock Swedish)
• Piggy is infuriated because of Kermit's abduction, until Kermit the Frog mentions one little detail.
  Kermit the Frog: You're in the opening number.
  Ms. Piggy: I don't care about that! Where's my fr-(his words sink in) ... the opening act?
• Cloris is initially suspicious of Kermit the Frog, rightly believing him to be an (inexplicably green) pig, until he says "ribbit", which convinces her.
• Having been stuck down in the basement, Fozzie tries a plan of action: Climbing out the windows to freedom (spot the flaw there). Then Kermit suggests using a nearby pay phone to ring for help. Fozzie rips the phone out of the wall. Eventually Gonzo gets thrown in, and reveals he has a spoon, with which he plans to dig his way to freedom.
  Kermit: It's going to be a long night.
• Ms. Piggy, being a pig herself, is offered a chance to side with the pigs. She initially vows to stay with her "Kermy". Then the pigs mention they'll replace her on "Pigs in Space!". She drops Kermit like a hot potato.
  Ms. Piggy: So... umm... anyway... bye!

Season 3

3x01: Kris Kristofferson and Rita Coolidge

• Kris singing "Help Me Make It Through the Night" with Miss Piggy, largely due to Kris' complete inability to stop himself from Corpsing at how ridiculously enamored Piggy is acting during the whole thing. Keep an eye on his face at the 1-minute mark.

3x02: Leo Sayer

• In the opening, Leo wonders if he's really on The Muppet Show, as the dressing room is so quiet, he could almost hear a pin drop. Right on cue, a bunch of pins come dropping in...bowling pins, complete with a bowling ball. "Now I believe this is The Muppet Show."
• Kermit gives Annie Sue, a young performing pig, a kiss on the cheek, for helping Fozzie out in his act. Unfortunately, a very jealous Miss Piggy sees them. Piggy launches herself off the balcony and body slams into Kermit.

3x03: Roy Clark

• The episode was supposed to "go country" to welcome Roy, only Fozzie misinterpreted it as going out to the country and sent away all the staff. Without stagehands, Fozzie's forced to do all the stage work himself...just as a fire starts in the theater.
  • In one spot, a group of firemen arrive at the theater...but not to fight the fire. Instead, they want to audition! While Fozzie tries to fight the fire in the background, the Singing Firemen perform, "I Don't Want To Set The World On Fire".
• Kermit and Roy have a chat as various animal Muppets gather. Roy then comments that the scene is starting to look like a lunch counter.
  Kermit: Uh, Roy, it may look like a luncheon, but it can soon turn into a lynching.
  [The animal Muppets converge menacingly on Roy while he tries to apologize.]

3x04: Gilda Radner

• The episode opens with the payoff of a two-year-old Brick Joke. In the 13 March 1976 episode of Saturday Night Live, following the demise of the Land of Gorch sketches, Scred (Jerry Nelson) tried to persuade guest host Anthony Perkins to lobby for the Muppets' reinstatement as cast members, partly by impersonating Gilda Radner as hard-of-hearing old woman Emily Litella (a recurring character on "Weekend Update") and expressing horror at seeing "toasted English Muppets" on a diner menu. For The Teaser for Gilda's appearance on The Muppet Show, the joke is reversed as Radner, in character as Emily Litella, wonders why she has been asked to appear on The Muffin Show until Scooter corrects her.^note Radner was notably the only one of the original Not Ready for Prime Time Players who liked the Muppet sketches in the 1975-76 series of SNL, so they had no trouble persuading her to do a guest appearance on The Muppet Show.
• Gilda asks Kermit to send for a 7-foot talking parrot to do a medley of songs from The Pirates of Penzance with her. Due to bad handwriting, Kermit books a 7-foot talking carrot.^note  A joke Jim Henson described as "terrible" but "worthy of us". The veggie puns write themselves.
  Carrot: Watch it, lady. I'm a star. I sang the hit song from Cole.
  Kermit: Cole? Cole Porter?
  Gilda: [deadpan] Cole slaw. They paid him a huge celery.
  Carrot: Now she's stealing my jokes.
• In the medley itself, Gilda opens by trying to sing "I am the very model of a modern Major-General", but starts falling over the words by the time she gets to "I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical". The unimpressed carrot suggests they start instead with "When a felon's not engaged in his employment" (with strategic insertion of references to carrots and a backup group of other vegetables), then he tries the Major-General's song... and starts falling over the words even sooner than Gilda.
  Gilda: [singing] I am the very model of a modern Major-General
  I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral
  I know the kings of England and I quote the fights hysteric
  From Marathon to... [starts humming]
  Carrot: [enters] Hold it, hold it Maestro, please. [the music stops] You blew it, my child. [to fourth wall] Never send a girl in to do a carrot's work.
  Gilda: [marches indignantly across to the carrot] Ooh, if I knew a 12-foot rabbit, you'd really be in trouble!
  [...]
  Carrot: [singing] I am the very model of a modern Major-General
  I've information, vegetation, animable... oh! [kicks the floor in frustration]
  Gilda: Hold it, hold it. See, you didn't make it either!
  Carrot: [huffily] Maybe I didn't want to make it!
  Gilda: [sarcastically imitating the carrot's vocal inflections] Neh-neh neh neh-neh neh neh neh neh!
• In the second half of the episode, Muppet Labs' latest creation, a super-powerful adhesive, gets out of hand. Hilarity Ensues in the best possible way as the adhesive wreaks havoc throughout every remaining act in the episode.
  • Gilda doesn't discover until she's actually in the lab that she'll be taking Beaker's place as the guinea pig for the day's experiment (Beaker, for his part, struggles to contain his laughter); Bunsen ignores her protests as he puts a drop of the adhesive on her forehead, then tells the audience they need to wait for it to get tacky (Statler and Waldorf quip that they've never had to wait for the show to get tacky before) as he prepares a rubber sucker at the end of a rope which he will attach to Gilda's forehead so that he and Beaker can lift her bodily off the ground. Beaker, meanwhile, exercises with a chest expander in preparation. And then it all goes downhill as Bunsen discovers there is adhesive on the rag he is using to clean the rubber sucker, and it gets stuck to his hand. Gilda picks up the tube of adhesive and accidentally squirts it everywhere,^note  Including on the camera lens! so that within seconds, Bunsen is stuck to the rope and several pages of his notes, while Beaker is hopelessly entangled in the chest expander — as is Gilda when she tries to prise him free. She Facepalms in dismay... and promptly gets her hand stuck to her forehead.
  • In the wings, Kermit is on the phone to Fleet Scribbler, who is writing a story about Gilda; as she passes by, still stuck to Beaker, Kermit asks on Scribbler's behalf about the secret of her success.
    Gilda: Kermit, can I talk to you for a second?
    Kermit: [into phone] Uh, well, I guess you could say that she has stuck with it.
    Gilda: [to herself] Yeah, you could say that... [leaves, pulling the ever more alarmed Beaker behind her]
    Kermit: Yeah, and in the little time I've known her, she's really cemented our friendship.
    [as Beaker lags behind, Gilda tugs on the chest expander, catapulting him towards her and Bunsen]
    Gilda: [looking between Bunsen and Beaker] I've heard of close friends, but this is ridiculous!
  • Kermit tries to hang up the phone... and discovers he's stuck to the receiver. So, naturally, Miss Piggy chooses this moment to arrive and start flirting with him, and soon they're literally stuck on each other:
    Kermit: Uh, uh, okay, well, bye-bye. [moves the receiver toward the cradle... but he can't let go of it] Oh, no... [groans; Zoot and Rowlf walk past] Hey guys, get on stage! [realises] Oh — the intro! [he tries running onto the stage, but the phone cord is too short, and he is catapulted back] Uh-oh, oh, help!...
    Piggy: Kermie, my sweet, I was-
    Kermit: Piggy, Piggy-
    Piggy: Yes?
    Kermit: Not now, not right now, I'm stuck on the phone! [to camera] Literally!
    Piggy: Oh, Kermie, all this work and worry, my frog... [moves to embrace him]
    Kermit: No, Piggy, don't touch me!
    Piggy: [puts her arm around him] Oh, froggie-poo!
    Kermit: Now I'm stuck on you! [groans]
    Piggy: Oh, at last, my frog wants me! [hugs him tightly] Oh, thank you! [tries to move away, but her arm is stuck around his shoulder] I... I...
    Kermit: Ugh...
    Piggy: [trying to free herself more and more frantically] Will you let — will you — get away from me! What is this!?
    Kermit: [moaning] Uhhh!...
  • Zoot and Rowlf only get a few phrases into their duet of "Body and Soul" before Rowlf starts playing the same chord over and over — his hands are stuck to the keys. Zoot has it worse — his saxophone is stuck to his mouth. Meanwhile, the Newsman claims the "rogue adhesive" is under control... which would be more convincing if he weren't stuck to his notes. And his chair.
  • Backstage, Piggy is enjoying being entangled with Kermit far more than he is, while Gonzo is giving a whole new meaning to the phrase "glued to the TV":
    Piggy: [practically lying on top of Kermit] Oh, Kermie-poo...
    Kermit: [groans] Piggy, you're putting all your weight on me.
    Piggy: [dreamily] Mm-hmm... maybe we shall be stuck like this forever... [the Newsman, still stuck to his chair, walks behind them]
    Kermit: Uh, I don't think I can go on supporting you that long.
    Piggy: [indignant] Well, if you think I'm gonna go out and work... [Kermit tries to head onto the stage, but can't get away] Aagh!
    Kermit: Uh, can we- can we get the band ready?
    Piggy: Get the band ready! [Nigel, Animal, Zoot, and Floyd head towards the orchestra pit]
    Kermit: Come on, you guys... [tries and fails to free himself from Piggy again] Piggy...
    Piggy: What?!
    Kermit: Hey, Floyd? [Floyd stops] What is Gonzo doing back there?
    Floyd: Well, he's watching television!
    Kermit: Yeah, well, shouldn't he be further from the screen?
    Floyd: No — his eyes are glued to the set! [chuckles and turns the TV sideways to reveal that, sure enough, Gonzo's eyes are stuck to the screen]
  • Since Kermit can't go on stage to introduce Gilda's big closing number, 'Tap Your Troubles Away', Fozzie has to do it for him — only to get his hands stuck to the curtain, so that when they open to reveal a glitzy Broadway-style set, he is dragged off to the side. Gilda struggles through the number as best she can (Beaker hides in the wings, and she periodically has to tug on the chest expander to launch him across the stage if she needs to dance stage right), but in the second half of the song, she gradually gets more and more pieces of the set stuck to herself, culminating in slapping her free hand against the decorative moulding around the stage.^note  Zoot and Rowlf can both be seen in the orchestra for this number, raising the interesting question of how they freed themselves from being glued to their instruments.
  • The final goodbye ends with a huge crowd of Muppets, including Kermit, Miss Piggy, and the aforementioned 7-foot carrot, all stuck together and forced to try to cooperate so that Kermit can make it on stage, bow, and thank Gilda, who, incidentally, is glued to the back of the crowd and has to poke her head through everyone (and move the chunk of moulding stuck to her hand) to be seen.
    Kermit: Okay, that just about does it for another regular, nothing out of the ordinary, everything under control Muppet Show, and, uh, somewhere back amongst this is our very special guest star, uh, she's the one behind the scenery, Miss Gilda Radner!
    Gilda: [lowers the moulding just far enough to peer over it] Thanks Kermit, it's been great, I just can't seem to tear myself away!
  • The Statler and Waldorf stinger, all too appropriately, has them go to leave, only to find they're glued to the balcony rail. Cue their cries of dismay.
    Statler: [to Waldorf] Good night!
    Waldorf: [to Statler] So long.
    [they both turn to leave, only to discover their hands are glued to the rail]
    Both: ... OH, NO! [they begin struggling to free themselves]

3x05: Pearl Bailey

• Gonzo's dramatic entrance as the Black Knight:
  Black Knight: [turning to show off his profile, so that his nose is unmistakeable] The world will forever wonder who I am!
  Kermit: Though some may harbor suspicions.
• Kermit has reservations about doing the final sketch, but Gonzo finds a good argument winner in the form of a pointy sword. Floyd is concerned this means the resulting sketch will be a disaster. Gonzo, not so much.
• The final sketch is the jousting scene from Camelot, but due to licensing issues, the Muppets can't use the official score.^note Apparently not an actual issue, since the previous season's episode with Zero Mostel featured a full rendition of "What Do the Simple Folk Do?". So they use songs from other musicals.
  Bailey: You know, Rowlf, this don't make much sense at all.
  Rowlf: I know, but we're stuck with it!

3x06: Jean Stapleton

• For this episode's UK spot, Annie Sue Pig performs "Daddy Wouldn't Buy Me a Bow Wow" with very reluctant accompaniment by Rowlf, who only co-operates when threatened by Annie Sue's manager, hiding behind the piano and giving him a Death Glare whenever he goes off script.
  Annie Sue: [singing] Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow...
  Rowlf: [deadpan] Bark bark!
  Annie Sue: Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow...
  Rowlf: Miaowww!
  Annie Sue: I've got a little cat, and I'm very fond of that
  But I'd rather have a bow wow wow, wow, wow, wow...
  Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow...
  Rowlf: [grinning] Oink oink!
  Annie Sue: [as her manager gives Rowlf another Death Glare] Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow...
  Rowlf: [shrinking back from Annie Sue's manager] ... Bow wow...
  Annie Sue: I've got a little cat, and I'm very fond of that
  But I'd rather have a bow wow wow!
• Jean reveals to Sam the shocking truth of the Swedish Chef, thanks to her ability to speak Mock Swedish: Mock Swedish isn't the Chef's actual first language. She gets him to stop and apologize, and he walks off.
  Sam: What did he say?
  Jean: I don't know. I don't speak Mock Japanese.
• Before the Melodrama Sketch, Annie Sue gets an attack of stage fright, which Ms. Piggy descends upon and uses to get rid of her, so she can be in the sketch, despite Kermit not asking her because he thought she wouldn't like it. But Piggy persuades him anyway, so...
  Kermit: Okay, tie Ms. Piggy to the railroad tracks!
  (several Muppet stagehands show up and drag a protesting Ms. Piggy on-stage)
• Close to the end of the episode, Jean approaches Kermit and says she'd like to do a duet with her favourite Muppet. Kermit automatically thinks she's referring to him and proudly says that it's a wonderful idea... At which Jean promptly asks where Crazy Harry is. Cue Kermit's stunned expression.
  Jean: Oh, Kermit, listen, I'm not new to this business, I've been all over the world!
  Kermit: You might be again!
  Jean: Listen, don't worry, you're gonna love it! [laughs and heads toward the stage]
  Kermit: Well, uh, I may not love it, but, uh, I'll introduce it... [heads onto the stage; fanfare] And now, here she is, once again taking her life into her own hands — and throwing it away — ladies and gentlemen, Miss Jean Stapleton!
• The aforementioned number itself — "I'm Just Wild About Harry" — must be seen to be believed!

3x07: Alice Cooper

• Muppet Labs have invented a germ enlarger, which comes at its usual cost to Beaker — financial and otherwise:
  [the Muppet Labs theme plays over the later seasons' usual establishing shot of a clock with hands spinning rapidly as a stagehand twirls the time-adjusting dial]
  Bunsen: [clears his throat as Beaker looks into a microscope] Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today!
  Beaker: Meep! [goes back to the microscope]
  Bunsen: Well! [clears throat again] Our latest development is the germ enlarger! For years, scientists have had to study teensy-weensy germs under a powerful microscope. [Beaker looks at the camera and points to his microscope, which he then goes back to looking into] But now, the germ enlarger makes the microscope obsolete! [Beaker looks at Bunsen, then tosses the microscope over his shoulder; he and Bunsen both start as we hear it smash on the floor behind him] Comes out of your pay, Beaker.
  Beaker: [meeps in protest]
  Bunsen: [points to a Petri dish] Here in this dish is isolated a sample of the deadly germ Streptococcus yuckotherium. Now, watch what happens when Beaker adds one drop of germ enlarger. [Beaker adds a drop with an eyedropper; a bit of late 1970s camera trickery makes a germ several times larger than Beaker himself appear and engulf the hapless assistant, who begins meeping in terror] Notice how easy it is now for Beaker to study that germ! [looks at Beaker struggling to disentangle himself from the germ] And vice versa. That's all for now from Muppet Labs! [Beaker continues to struggle with the germ] Well, Beaker... hmm...
  [backstage, Beaker, still engufled in the germ, walks past Kermit, followed by Bunsen]
  Kermit: Uh... Bunsen, that germ better not be contagious! [Bunsen simply chuckles in reply]
• Our guest star getting berated by Sam the Eagle:
  Sam: Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric...naughty...freako!
  Cooper: Why, thank you!
  Sam: ... Freakos, one; civilization, zero.
  Cooper: [makes a "one point for me" mark in the air]
• In the UK spot, we get a Call-Back to the "Kermit sips from a glass of milk" gag from the Juliet Prowse episode when Kermit notices the candle on his table moving of its own accord. He blows it out, then turns to the camera and says, "Think about that, folks!" The candle scoots off stage left, and Kermit yells "Not you!" after it.
• Throughout the episode, Alice offers a Deal with the Devil, and in the end, it looks like Gonzo's taken it up. Only it turns out he found something even worse: the bill from Special Effects.
• Alice sings a beautiful rendition of "You and Me" with an unusual-looking Muppet. It's only when Scooter comes in looking for Miss Piggy that we find out the identity of the Muppet... and she's not happy with the exchange for her soul. She calls off the deal, and Alice has to report to his boss no luck on the soul front.
  Alice: [D]o I get any commission on hourly rentals?
  (flames erupt out of the radio phone)
  Alice: Phew, touchy!

3x08: Loretta Lynn

• In another atypical episode, because the theater is being fumigated, they're forced to do the show (complete with improvised sets and cards) from the train station Lynn arrives in. Most of the humor is in all the improvisations. Even the closing theme is off-key:
  Rowlf: No wonder this sounds bad. We're playing a timetable!
• Also, when Statler calls Waldorf "stupid"!
• "The Rhyming Song, the Rhyming Song/Will Make You Smile, the Rhyming Song!" And Fozzie's increasing despair over the rhyming song.

3x09: Liberace

• The opening number, "Never on a Sunday" performed by the pigs, goes off without a hitch, until Animal mishears bouzouki as bazooka and fires away. As for Kermit's introduction of said number:
  Kermit: And now, I want you to close your eyes and think of exotic Greek dancers... because if you open them, you'll see this.
• Liberace Trolls Sam the Eagle:
  Sam: Because you have now played Chopin, it follows, as night follows day, that soon you will be wearing a rhinestone tuxedo and playing shameless boogie-woogie.
  Liberace: I promise you, Sam, I won't be doing that soon.
  Sam: No?
  Liberace: No. I'm gonna do it right now.
  Sam: [Face Palm]

3x10: Marisa Berenson

• Statler and Waldorf's interaction is always good for a laugh.
  Statler: Did you get your hearing aid fixed?
  Waldorf: No.
  Statler: Oh. Then how do you know what I'm saying?
  Waldorf: I don't.
• The episode gets off to a good start when Miss Piggy tells Kermit she's written a special sketch for them, which is definitely just a sketch and nothing more. Half the episode is Piggy setting things up while Kermit remains totally oblivious.
• Meanwhile, Kermit is being pestered by a newcomer to the theater, Lew Zealand and his act of boomerang fish ("I throw the fish, and they come back!"). Kermit turns him down because it's too high-toned for the Muppets.
• Muppet Sports covering the wig-racing championship. If you watch closely, the interviewed competitor literally spits his "SHAM-poo" comment in Louis Kazagger's face, and then Kazagger's own toupee jumps off his head and joins the race.
• "Do Re Mi", as performed by the Muppets. It starts off well enough, until Fozzie gets involved. Then everyone starts flubbing their lines while Kermit screams at them to knock it off.
  Bo, a beer, a female beer...
• The end of Miss Piggy's 'wedding sketch'.
  Priest: Do you take this pig to be your lawful wedded wife?
  Kermit: (Looking for an escape) I... I... I wanna introduce the amazing Lew Zealand and his boomerang fish!!!
  (Chaos ensues)
• Afterwards, Kermit offers Statler and Waldorf free tickets for the next show to let him hide in their balcony from an irate Miss Piggy. Naturally, they throw him out.
  • Even more hilarious, when you realize they NEVER pay for the show!

3x11: Raquel Welch

• Miss Piggy isn't happy about Kermit singing Raquel's praises, and interrupts his introduction to make it clear.
• Fozzie trying to be more assertive. Emphasis on "tries". Poor bear just can't manage it.
• Fozzie's assertiveness has him declare he no longer needs to buy friends with laughter, so Kermit goes on stage to announce Fozzie won't be doing his monologue. The Muppet audience goes wild, which Fozzie somehow takes to mean they love him, and storms on-stage.
  Kermit: What happened to meeting your inner self?
  Fozzie: I did!
  Kermit: And?
  Fozzie: He's shallow, insecure, and needs to buy friends with laughter!
• Fozzie then tries to do his jokes anyway, even though there's an At The Dance sketch going on.
• When Fozzie meets Raquel, who reveals she actually wants to do an act with him. You can practically hear Fozzie's brain melting as he tries to talk to her.
• Swedish Chef doing chicken in a basket. Seems the chef has a very literal interpretation, which involves dunking the chicken through a basketball hoop, and dribbling with it like it was an actual basketball.
  Swedish Chef: Tuu points!
• Kermit interviewing Marvin Suggs and the Muppaphones, a scene in bizarre cruelty.
  Marvin: Everybody take four.
  Muppaphone: Five.
  (Marvin hits the Muppaphone)
  • And when Kermit tries asking him a question:
    Marvin: The answer is "mutual love and respect." I love the Muppaphones and they love me. Heaven knows I am not a cruel man.
    (The Muppaphones grumble in disagreement)
    Marvin: Shuuuuuut up! (he hits them)

3x12: James Coco

• The medium sketch, when Fozzie is seeking answers from the medium (James).
  Fozzie: I want to know what my future in romance will be.
  James: [putting a veiled crystal ball on the table] Let me see if my crystal ball will speak to me.
  [He waves his hands and crosses his eyes, then removes the cloth from the crystal... revealing Beauregard, whose head is stuck inside.]
  Beauregard: Howdy.
  James: Aaahhh! [He hastily puts the cloth back over the crystal.] Bad news.
  Fozzie: Wha-wha-wha-what?!
  James: It spoke to me!
• Statler and Waldorf's opinion of the medium sketch. "It wasn't rare, and it certainly wasn't well done."
• This exchange that occurs between Sam Eagle and Floyd Pepper backstage when Sam threatens to quit following the medium sketch:
  Sam: Do you have anything to say before I go?
  Floyd: On your way out, would you empty the garbage?
• James' reaction to the Swedish Chef, and Kermit's reaction to the reaction are gold.
  (as the Swedish Chef walks by, humming in Mock Swedish)
  Coco: What was that?
  Kermit: (despondent) ... our next act.
  Coco: You need more razzle-dazzle.
• And so James deploys razzle-dazzle as only he can, so that as the Chef tries making a banana split, he is disrupted by a line of hat dancers every time he says "split." His solution? Throw a Banana Peel in front of his counter. The dancers take the bait and THEY ALL GO DOWN!
• After this, as James is talking with Kermit about the next act to go on, Wayne walks past singing "Catch a Falling Star". As with season one, Wayne doesn't get far into the song before the lyrics mean he is on fire.
• The next sketch is Veterinarian's Hospital, which doesn't improve Coco's opinion.
  Coco: What's that?
  Kermit: Uh, it's where we tell bad jokes, and uh... it's death.
• So the dancing girls are deployed once more. However, not even they can stop Rowlf making his terrible, terrible jokes.

3x13: Helen Reddy

• The episode's cold open has Helen make the obligatory pun on her name, figuring she'd beat the Muppets to the punch.
  Scooter: You really think we'd stoop so low?
  (enter Fozzie)
  Fozzie: Reddy on three!
  Helen Reddy: (looking into the camera) Lower.
• The episode introduces Beauregard, who confused elbow grease with axle grease to clean the floor and everyone is slipping around and falling, especially Fozzie's precision dancing act on stage.
  Kermit: Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen, we are going to have a brilliant dance number by our own Fozzie Bear and friends. But, uh, excuse me one second. Fozzie?
  Fozzie: [pokes his head through the curtains] Yeah, yeah, what, what?
  Kermit: Uh, Fozzie, be careful, there's a very slippery place on the stage out here.
  Fozzie: Where is that?
  Kermit: I don't know, it's right around here someWAAGH! [slips and falls]

3x14: Harry Belafonte

• Though this episode is rightly remembered as one of the series' greatest, thanks largely to Harry's concluding performance of "Turn the World Around", it still has plenty of funny moments. The cold open has Harry upset because he's heard people talking about "crazy Harry" being in his dressing room. Scooter tries to reassure him the Muppets weren't talking about him. They were talking about Crazy Harry. It's only as he's saying this Scooter realizes what that means. KABOOM!
• "PIGS! IN! SPACE!" has Doctor Strangepork showing off his new invention, the dissolvatron. Works fine on things like drinks, but on people... not so much. Ms. Piggy and Link swap minds, then somehow Janice and the doctor, then Kermit and the Swedish Chef.
• "DON'T TOUCH YOU!"
• As Kermit is trying to make sense of the script that Fozzie has provided for him, and proceeds to read it out loud, typos and all. Seems that Fozzie is a terrible typist.
  Kermit: Leggies and genglefins, welcun again to tie Mupple Shocks. Uh, my name is Kermit the Forg... (incredulous) The Forg?!
  Fozzie: Come on, pick up the pace. Here we go.
  Kermit: And our spegial guest stap is the amazing Hapry Bela... That's Harry Belafonte, folks.
  Fozzie: Kermit, your timing must be off. You should be getting big laughs with that stuff.
  (Kermit yells at Fozzie to get off the stage)

3x15: Lesley Ann Warren

• The episode does not get off to a great start for Kermit, who though he'd be introducing Lesley and Warren, an entirely different act. Lesley states she thought Kermit was supposed to be the Only Sane Man, prompting the immortal line from Kermit:
  Kermit: Me, not crazy? I hired the others.
• As a result, Kermit allows Gonzo to take the stage. Gonzo's act? Riding a motorbike into Statler and Waldorf's box, which they are entirely unenthused about. They try to book it. But Gonzo foresaw this possibility.
  Gonzo: For their safety, I took the precaution of chaining them to their seats while they were dozing.
  (Statler and Waldorf look down to see he has in fact done so)
  Statler and Waldorf: NO!
• Dr. Teeth performs "Mack the Knife" and quells Sam the Eagle's complaints about the song's violent content by convincing him that the song is actually about a man buying pillows for his wife.
• Lesley thinking she's going to be performing with Rowlf finds herself dealing with Marvin Suggs and his Muppaphones (Rowlf being 'mysteriously' missing). Lesley is horrified by the whole act, but Marvin doesn't get her objections.
  Lesley: You make music using living creatures?
  Marvin: Of course they're alive! You can't make music using dead creatures.

3x16: Danny Kaye

• Danny digging himself deeper after saying he first met Miss Piggy a long, long time ago, and their subsequent musical number, which Piggy aptly says beforehand will be a "battlefield."
• Rowlf taunts Piggy about this. Piggy does what Piggy does, but Rowlf manages to duck, meaning Piggy hits his piano, which actually explodes from Piggy hitting it.
• Danny almost manages to molify the angry Piggy. Almost.
  Danny: I'm sorry I said knew you when you were thin... I never knew you when you thin.
• The Swedish Chef and his uncle (definitely not Danny dressed up like the chef) trying to make a turkey dinner. Chef's uncle is horrified at Swedish Chef bringing a live (Muppet) turkey into the kitchen, listing all the ways they have to prepare it for being eaten, much to the turkey's increasing terror. Also, Chef's uncle speaks perfectly understandable English, but trying to explain things to the chef confuses him, until he uses Mock Swedish. The turkey soon flees, and Chef gets out the blunderbuss, firing it at the ceiling. All this gets is a shower of feathers. His uncle tries, and manages to shoot down an entire roast dinner, complete with all the trimmings.

3x17: Spike Milligan

• Spike's appearance on The Muppet Show was reportedly one of the few episodes where they had to budget two days for the guest's sketches instead of the usual one, as the rest of the cast and crew spent so much time rolling on the floor in hysterics at Spike's antics. Every sketch he did was a bizarre yet hilarious exercise in surrealism. This is unsurprising, as he wrote several of them himself (most notably "The Intergalactic Brotherhood of Man").
• For a sketch without him in that episode, there's the first one. Taking place in "The Land of the Rising Sun", it starts with some stereotypical Japanese music and dancing — before Fozzie bursts on stage singing "Oklahoma" ("...am I in the right show?"), which the Japanese Muppets soon turn into "Yokohama."
• Spike's turn as a Quintessential British Gentleman, in which he does things like drop his pants to reveal a Union Jack.^note  Interesting when one considers Spike's complicated relationship with England; he was born in India, then part of the British Empire, to an English mother and Irish father, and served in the British Army for six years. When UK law regarding Commonwealth-born citizens changed in 1960, he applied for UK citizenship, but balked at having to take the Oath of Allegiance to the monarchy and chose instead to become an Irish citizen. He's also wearing a rather dapper hat...and has a cup of tea underneath it.
  Sam: Please, sir, you are not speaking the Queen's English!
  Spike: [Groucho Marx-style] Why should I? She never speaks any of mine! [to camera] There goes the knighthood.^note  Until 2001, anyway. And it was an honorary knighthood (or KBE), since he wasn't a UK citizen.
  Sam: [to camera] Is it too late to get Laurence Olivier?
• The News Flash sketch. It's all a Visual Pun.
  The Newsman: Good evening, and welcome to Muppet News International.
  Spike: Yes, you're welcome to it.
  The Newsman: Simultaneous translations bringing you news infused across the language barrier.
  Spike: (pantomimes previous statement in "sign language" — the Newsman looks at him) Hello.
  Newsman: (to Spike) Are you going to tell them what I just said?
  Spike: No, Your secret is safe with me.
  (Beat)
  Newsman: Alright, here is the news: Things look grim (Spike looks to the audience sternly) in the Outback (Spike reaches for his back), as Rebel Forces continue to fight amongst themselves. (Spike starts to punch and gag himself repeatedly, surprising the Newsman) Uh, first one side seems to be winning–
  Spike: Yes, yes! (Pulls himself to one side)
  Newsman: And then the other side gets on top (Spike pulls himself to the other side), and casualties have been very heavy (Spike drops heavily to the floor) as strong ties between the two factions (Spike grabs the Newsman's tie) have been permanently cut (Spike cuts off the tie). Uh... eyebrows were raised today at the auction rooms (Spike removes his eyebrows and places them on his forehead), where a priceless antique vase came under the hammer. (Spike smashes a vase with a hammer) Uh, rumors of a cover-up have affected prices (Spike places a blanket over the Newsman, who valiantly continues anyway)... affected prices on the Stock Market where woolens were hit badly... (Spike picks up a sheep and hits it) ...eventually plunging to an all-time low. (Spike knocks the Newsman down) Augh! The search continues for a missing man (Spike looks around) said by the police to be dangerous and more than a little screwy. (Spike looks crazy and whistles) The man was known as the inventor of the Deep Pop-Up Toaster. (Spike slams his fist onto the desk, causing the Newsman to fly up.) Uh, next we have–
  Spike: Fall fashions!
  Newsman: (While falling to the ground) Augh! (Spike starts to attack the Newsman. Newsman gets up and struggles) A Newsman was attacked today by a mad English comic!
  Spike: Really?! We must find him! (Knocks the Newsman out with a hammer and runs off)
• The "It's a Small World" finale manages to last through the end credits because the international puppets just won't stop! (Sam the Eagle, having failed in multiple attempts to stop the song before the end credits, decides "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!" and stands front and centre in the display, solemnly waving an American flag back and forth.) Even Statler and Waldorf make like Disney Audio-Animatronics up in the balcony (yet another moment funnier in hindsight thanks to Disney now owning the characters).

3x18: Leslie Uggams

• Bunsen Honeydew's demonstration on fire-proof paper goes awry, as usual. Things only get worse (for Beaker) when he reveals what next week's demonstration is: flammable water.
• Miss Piggy meeting Big Bird.
  Miss Piggy: [taking in the sight of Big Bird] HOLY MARACAS!
  Big Bird: Oh, hi! I'm Big Bird!
  Miss Piggy: [Aside Glance] No kidding...
  • And when Big Bird (not recognizing her at all) starts laughing at the idea of a singing pig, Miss Piggy tries to karate-chop him, misses, and falls off the balcony down into the stairwell.
    Big Bird: Oh, and you do acrobatics, too? [turns to the audience] She's very versatile!
• Gonzo meets Big Bird. He's pretty taken, which is not a good idea when a certain chicken is nearby.
• "Bear on Patrol": Fozzie arrests a guy for impersonating a police officer. Then it turns out the perp can do a passable Fozzie. Then, since this is Fozzie we're talking about, he manages to trick Fozzie into a cell and escapes.

3x19: Elke Sommer

• Kermit's introduction for the episode:
  Kermit: I'm Kermit the Frog. This is the Muppet Show and you have been warned.
• Statler and Waldorf are joined in their box for this episode by Statler's baby grandson (performed by Jerry Nelson), who is very much a chip off the old block.
  Waldorf: [after a performance by Bobby Benson's Baby Band of, fittingly, "Pennsylvania 6-5000"]^note  Named for the phone number of the Hotel Statler, later known as the Hotel Pennsylvania (which closed indefinitely in April 2020). Is that your kid?
  Statler: Of course not! I'm just babysitting. That's my grandson.
  Waldorf: Well, there is a resemblance.
  Statler's Grandson: Yeah, but I won't be bald and toothless forever! [he and Waldorf laugh; Statler looks offended]
• Elke's first number is "Animal Crackers in My Soup", and she initially goes out dressed as Shirley Temple, but Kermit says the show is more sophisticated than that. So she goes out dressed as Marlene Dietrich... which an alarmed Kermit decides is too far in the other direction. So she goes out for a third time with her head on a wiry Muppet body.
  Waldorf: You know, I don't think this show is suitable for children.
  Statler's Grandson: I don't think this show is suitable for anybody!
  All three: Do-ho-ho-ho!
• For "PIGS! IN! SPACE!", the Swinetrek is about to set down on Koozebane, the first pigs to do so. Ms. Piggy and Link handle this with all the grace and maturity you'd except of them. And then Link gets stalled by the ship's door, managing to knock himself out. The narrator mentions that this is a two-part sketch, and suggests the audience stick around. Ms. Piggy's response is succinct: "Don't."
• Any musical number where Animal gets bored with the tempo and decides to speed things up. He always does it gradually until by the end of the song, everyone else is desperately trying to keep up. Most famously in the "Row Row Row" number in this episode. By the end, they're going so fast, the boat ends up sinking from all the rocking.

3x21: Roger Miller

• There's a disease that's turning people into chickens, the dread cluckitis ^note *DUUUUUUNNNNHH*. Kermit doesn't want to worry Miller, so he tells Robin not to let him know they're turning into chickens. At which point Miller turns up.
  Robin: We're not turning into chickens!
  • Almost immediately after Robin says this, guess what happens. He turns into a chick (because he's young and tiny).
  • Of course, Gonzo's over the moon about all this.
  • By the end of the episode, everyone has turned into a chicken, so even the credits have chickens playing the theme. Well... almost everyone. Statler and Waldorf haven't caught cluckitis. But they have transformed into other animals.

3x22: Roy Rogers and Dale Evans

• Muppet Sports covering horseshoe pitching:
  Louis Kazagger: Howdy, sports fans, and welcome to the wild world of Muppet Sports. And you're just in time for the deciding throw in the horseshoe pitch. As usual, I'm here on the spot...
  [WHAM! A horse lands on him. Enter a cowboy.]
  Cowboy: [guffawing] Awww, I forgot to take the horseshoes off the horse! Am I stupid.

3x23: Lynn Redgrave

• The majority of the episode is Robin Hood-themed:
  • Scooter makes a rhyme so bad even Fozzie thinks it's awful.
    Scooter: Don't look at me. I'm usually just the go-fer around here!
  • The extended digression on the proper method of 'cavorting', as led by 'Little John' Fozzie. "Cavort, cavort, cavort!"
    Robin Hood (Kermit): Hey, the fair Maid Marian will be here soon and the place looks a mess. What have you been doing?
    Little John (Fozzie): Oh, well, you see, uh...
    Robin Hood: Cavorting, right?
    Little John: Uh, cavorting wrong, actually...
  • The Newsman is a town crier:
    Newsman: (ringing bell) Five o'clock and all's well! Five o'clock and all's well! Except that Maid Marian has been kidnapped, the Sheriff of Nottingham is up to no good, that dog is stealing the cheese, Kermit is mad at Miss Piggy, and it's really only 4:30!
  • Miss Piggy is not Maid Marian. Lynn is. Miss Piggy approaches Kermit to demand, not request, a part in the story anyway. A terrified Kermit obliges, finding a role he can recast. But, alas...
    Miss Piggy: SISTER TUCK?!
  • The torture scene. Gonzo, in the role of the Sheriff of Nottingham, gets things the wrong way round. Of course, being Gonzo, he doesn't mind. The other Muppets, watching in the wings, aren't concerned.
  Kermit: Gonzo's going to get himself killed.
  Floyd: He won't make it. Gonzo never succeeds at anything. The best he can hope for is "hideously maimed".
  • Scooter's exasperation continues when Fozzie, naturally, makes a bad joke about the town crier.
    Fozzie: He's lost his onions.
    Scooter: (waving his arms like Kermit) Will you get out of here?! Out, out out, out!
  • Robin and his merry men rescuing Maid Marian, only to find there's been a substitution thanks to Miss Piggy, who has 'imprisoned' Lynn Redgrave in her dressing room, so they charge off to free her, leaving Miss Piggy tied up.
    Miss Piggy: Help! Police!
    (Woosh!)
    Gonzo: Will the Sheriff do?
    (he starts kissing a protesting Piggy)

3x24: Cheryl Ladd

• Fozzie makes the mistake of asking Kermit to give him a list of all his flaws. Being Fozzie, he asks Kermit to be both scrupulously honest, but "gentle", much to Kermit's displeasure.
  Kermit: How do you "gently" run over somebody with a truck?
• Later, Fozzie comes back to see Kermit has written such a list. We don't hear what it says, but Fozzie's increasingly hurt response says it all... as does Kermit "gently" telling him those are his good qualities.
• Gonzo's latest ridiculous act: Hypnotizing chickens. This proves too much for Kermit, but Gonzo has a compelling counter-argument.
  Kermit: Gonzo, that's so dumb I'm not going to introduce it.
  Gonzo: SIC 'IM!
  (the hypnotized chickens start pecking Kermit)
• Gonzo goes on-stage, but funnily enough finds no volunteers, only Statler and Waldorf's heckling (and given it's to be hypnotized into holding a five thousand pound weight, no wonder). So he decides to hypnotize himself...

Season 4

4x01: John Denver

• The episode has Denver and Kermit inviting the whole gang to the swamp for a camping trip. Miss Piggy doesn't quite realize what this means exactly, so John starts to describe swamp living in great detail, up to and including safety measures against snakes and alligators. As he further explains that Piggy should shake her boots in the morning to get the spiders and other creepy-crawlies out, Piggy starts this high-pitched, nervous whine... and Denver absolutely loses it, laughing his ass off for the rest of the scene. When Piggy confronts Kermit and calls him crazy for wanting to go on the trip, he offers the alternative of going to Piggy's home, the pigsty, "where pigs eat swill and wallow in the mud". No points for guessing what happens next.
• John also gets a couple of rib-tickling fungus-related puns when he meets Gonzo's mold garden.
  Denver: Nobody knows.. the truffles I've seen! [gets attacked]

4x02: Crystal Gayle

• This episode boasts the Prarie Dog Glee Club who steal, among other things, Kermit's collar.
  Scooter: Gee boss, I've never seen you naked before.
  Kermit: Waaaaugh!

  In their number, "The Best Things in Life Are Free", they steal everything in the set, nailed down or not. At the end the characters are all stripped to their underwear, even Crystal herself.

• In the "Pigs in Space" sketch, the Swinetrek is menaced by the mysterious and terrifying Dearth Nadir.
  • But who is this ominous villain?
    First Mate Piggy: Wh-wh-who are you behind that mask?
    [the camera angle changes, showing that Dearth's helmet has a distinctive curved nose.]
    "Dearth": Ha! And well you might ask!
    Ms. Piggy: [looking at the camera] Oh, good grief.
  • Then, "Dearth" summons his stormtroopers. Yes, they're chickens. Piggy's reaction is "You Have GOT to Be Kidding Me!" and she abandons the sketch entirely.

4x04: Dyan Cannon

• Piggy spends the episode irritating Kermit with her dog, Foo-Foo.
• Kermit tries passing dog-watching off to Scooter, who passes it to Fozzie, who claims he has a date with a polar bear, so he passes it to Gonzo, who begs off because he left his anvil in the oven. This leaves Floyd, with no-one to delegate to.
• The Swedish Chef getting one over on Miss Piggy, as she looks for Foo-Foo and finds him cooking "hot dooggy". Then the Chef offers Piggy a hot dog.
• After Foo-Foo has been found, Piggy summons Floyd to have a talk with him. Kermit figures this isn't a good idea, since Piggy's probably sussed who was responsible for Foo-Foo going missing... a prediction proven when Floyd is sent flying out of Piggy's dressing room.

4x05: Victor Borge

• The Muppets' rendition of "Macho Man" features such hilarities as Gonzo in a ruffled shirt, ballistic chickens (with afro wigs), and policeman Fozzie repeatedly getting things dropped on his head.
• In the kitchen with the Swedish Chef, he tries making turtle soup. The chef is outwitted and soon out-gunned when it turns out the turtle's shell is loaded with a cannon.
• Victor trying to play "Moonlight Sonata". He manages to put Fozzie, the Beethoven bust, and then himself to sleep.

4x06: Linda Lavin

• Miss Piggy takes over the show in an attempt to throw Kermit a birthday celebration. Hilarity Ensues.
• As part of the celebrations, Wayne and Wanda return, not remotely bitter about being fired at all. Kermit sheepishly admits that he forgot why he fired them in the first place, so he lets them sing again...
  Wayne and Wanda: Ohhh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you!
  Kermit: Wait, wait, wait! Now I remembered why I fired you! You're fired again! Get out, get out, get out!
  Wayne: Twice? Twice?
• Backstage before the final number, Piggy is getting worked up. Too worked up, especially when she tears her dress in an unfortunate place, so Linda belts her across the face. Then suggests she does the final number for Kermit in Piggy's place.
  Piggy: She can do the final nu—... She can do the final number?!
• And after the final number, Kermit finally gets something to say:
  Kermit: I have an embarrassing announcement to make: My birthday's not for another four months.
  Ms. Piggy: WHAT.

4x07: Dudley Moore

• The first act is Kermit introducing an act of four unnamed insects performing a little song called "She Loves You". The joke, of course, being they're a gang of beetles who can't think of a name.
• The MAMMA wrecking havoc, including sabotaging Gonzo's act of reading Shelley while defusing a bomb. Luckily, Gonzo doesn't mind.

4x08: Arlo Guthrie

• The Swedish Chef trying to cook dinner for the cast.
  • First, he tries "roost torkey", but the turkey catches on to his gesturing with the skewer toward its butt and attacks him.
  • Second, he first suggests "roost piggy", but an angry pig confronts him, so he moves on to "roost biff". Cue a double stampede of cows, one of whom takes the time to jump up and down on him.
  • On the third try, he decides to go with no meat at all, instead going for "veggie weggie stew". The vegetables don't like that idea either.
• The At the Dance segment is a square dance this time around, and it gradually becomes more and more violent, to the point where Bugs Bunny would be proud.

4x09: Beverly Sills

• Pigoletto. Where the Muppets do opera the only way they can.
• Sam, always eager to meet someone of culture, goes into Beverly's dressing room to meet the opera singer. At the time, Gonzo is showing Beverly his latest cultural breakthrough, hanging spoons by the nose. Sam takes one look at Beverly with a spoon on her nose and runs away screaming.
  Beverly: Poor fellow. Must be a lowbrow.
• Muppet University, hosted by Sam, trying to educate all on microscopic life. Just one thing...
  Protozoa: Hi-ho, everyone. Kermit the Protozoa here!

  Followed by Fozzie Amoeba.

• Fozzie mistakes Beverly for a country singer, and has her sing "The Bloom is On the Sage", which she sings in an opera style, much to her annoyance.
  Beverly: I wanna talk to that bear...

4x11: Lola Falana

• Gonzo, having gotten a case of Acquired Situational Narcissism over a move to Bollywood, dumps Camilla. She's not too happy, judging by the fact that she leads the chickens in singing "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair".
• When Gonzo gets his job back after the movie deal falls through, he sings "Top Hat, White Tie and Tails" while tap dancing in a vat of oatmeal. He doesn't make it halfway through the first verse before sinking into the stuff.
  Gonzo: Help! Help!
  Fozzie: Wha, wha— Don't worry, don't worry! We got spoons and milk and brown sugar!
  Lew Zealand: Yeah! We're gonna eat our way through to him!

4x12: Phyllis George

• For this episode, the Muppets decide to turn the show into an awards show. Kermit, in a dangerous flash of sanity, refuses to have anything to do with this, leaving it entirely in Phyllis's hands.
• "Pigs in Space" is nominated for best sketch, and as part of this have to reenact whichever one won them the award. Miss Piggy, naturally, thinks it's the one where Link was incapacitated and she was in charge. Except that never happened. Link and Doctor Strangepork decide to go with the one where they danced instead.
• Fozzie emceeing at one point, trying to rub the format change in Kermit's face.
  Fozzie: And to think, a certain frog said it couldn't be done!
  Kermit: [from the wings] Shouldn't be done! I said shouldn't be done!
• Sam's comment on the whole affair.
  Sam: You are losers. All of you — losers.
• Fozzie figures he will win "Best Comedy Performance by a Bear". Somehow, he doesn't.

4x13: Dizzy Gillespie

• For this episode, Statler is sick (of the show, according to Waldorf), so his ticket is taken by Waldorf's wife, Astoria... who looks exactly like Statler in drag.^note Although she is not voiced by Richard Hunt; in fact, none of the surviving cast and crew members from the episode remember who did Astoria's voice. The most common guess is Bob Payne, but Kathryn Mullen was sure it wasn't Payne (her guesses were Louise Gold or "one of the guys"), while Payne was Jerry Nelson's second guess (his first being first season Muppeteer John Lovelady).
  [after the first number, "Blue Fish Blues"]
  Astoria: Now, let me get this straight. This is a typical show, right, Waldorf?
  Waldorf: Well, I'd say so, Astoria, my dear.
  Astoria: Hm. First a frog talks, and then a fish sings.
  Waldorf: Mm-hm. I wanted you to see for yourself. I bet you thought I came here to have a good time!
  Both: Do-ho-ho-ho!
• Astoria warms up to the show after Dizzy and the Electric Mayhem perform "St. Louis Blues", with Dizzy singing and playing the trumpet. However, it seems she's misunderstood how things work, to Waldorf's embarrassment:
  Astoria: I can understand why you keep doing it, week after week.
  Waldorf: [confused] You can?
  Astoria: By the way, how much do they pay you?
  Waldorf: [sputters] Pay me?
  Astoria: Of course! Can you imagine some poor, stupid turkey doing this for nothing?
  Waldorf: [laughs nervously along with Astoria for a few seconds, then...] Gobble, gobble...

4x14: Liza Minnelli

• The episode is framed as a Film Noir/mystery parody. Statler and Waldorf get so horrified when they discover they tossed a (fake) knife into Liza's chest that they run into the scene frantically and admit that the knife was meant for the Muppet cast. Cue Liza breaking character: "Ah-ha!" The two are amazed at Liza's performance... then after the credits, we see them condemned to their box, in jail suits and with metal bars surrounding the balcony.
  Statler: How long are we here for?
  Waldorf: Twenty years.
  Statler: If I'd have known that judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for the chair!
• Kermit's utter failure to sell any of his hard-boiled private eye dialogue.
• When the director (played by Dr. Strangepork) is killed, Gonzo lifts everyone's spirits with a musical number. He tries it again when a witness (played by Scooter) is killed right after the number.
  Patrol Bear Fozzie: He's dead!
  Gonzo: When you're down and out—
  Everyone: Oh, shut up!

4x16: Jonathan Winters

• This episode sees the Muppets become even more of a disaster magnet than usual thanks to a gypsy curse being placed on the theatre, with endless mishaps befalling every act. In the final stages of the curse, everyone suddenly begins speaking in mock Swedish — with the effects invariably kicking in mid-sentence for first Gonzo, then Scooter, then Fozzie, and finally Kermit, ultimately sparking the Swedish Chef into dancing through the chaos while playing the accordion.
  Gypsy: [on stage in Kermit's place, as she is the only one left speaking English] And now, the closing number! [flails her arms and backs off the stage in Kermit's usual style] Yayyyy! [leans in for just long enough to say...] I always wanted to do that.
• It turns out that Statler and Waldorf paid for the curse (which Kermit is predictably angry to discover), not anticipating that they would end up speaking mock Swedish as well. Fortunately for them, it wears off after half an hour, as that's all they paid for; unfortunately, Jonathan decides to buy an extension to the curse, and the closing of the show sees everyone on stage, including Jonathan, exchanging mock Swedish goodbyes. The Stinger sees Statler and Waldorf having a mock Swedish conversation with — who else? — the Swedish Chef.

4x17: Mark Hamill and the cast of Star Wars

• Statler and Waldorf are unimpressed by "Rama Lama Ding Dong":
  Statler And Waldorf: Boo! Boo!
  Sheep: [pokes its head through their spot] Baa! Baa!
  Statler And Waldorf: Humbug! Humbug! Doh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
  Sheep: [with Statler and Waldorf] Baa-ah-ah-ah-ah!
• Backstage immediately after "Rama Lama Ding Dong":
  Kermit: Okay, nice flocking, guys. Uh, say, aren't there more of you?
  Sheep: We don't know. [E]very time we try to count ourselves, we fall asleep.
• Later on, Scooter is rehearsing for his "Six String Orchestra" number. When wondering if he'll be any good, a sheep pops its head through his window to say, "Baa! Baa! Humbug! Humbug!"
  Scooter: Everybody's a critic.
• Who would have thought that Mark Hamill, of all people, could be so doggone funny? In his first few minutes onscreen, he pulls off some impressions of Kermit and Fozzie (they don't get it), tells a joke so corny you'd think that Fozzie wrote it himself, and to top it all off, he gargles Gershwin! And besides that, you can tell that he's having an absolute blast. Bonus humor points for the fact that he keeps alternating between himself and Luke throughout the episode.
• What are Luke Skywalker, C-3PO, and R2-D2 doing on the Muppet Show anyway? They got a message from Chewbacca that he was being held by "a bunch of weird turkeys", and they figured this was the best place to look. Even Kermit admits they have a point.
  Kermit: Oh, well, y'know, as long as the three of you are here, how 'bout you go out on stage and do a song for us?
  Luke: What? You must be joking!
  R2-D2: [beeps]
  Kermit: Oh, look. Your little garbage can friend wants to!
  C-3PO: Oh, stop it, R2! [bonks him over the head] Don't be so vulgar. You're not a song-and-dance droid. Oh, come along. Our job is to find the Wookiee. [They leave.]
  Luke: Listen, pal. We're on a mission. There's no way we're gonna be involved in any third-rate variety show!
  Kermit: [offended] Second-rate variety show!
• Piggy trying to hit on Luke by dressing as Leia is certainly Hilarious in Hindsight, given later revelations in the Trilogy. Ending the show with "When you Wish Upon a Star", with the appearance of a Disney-esque castle, even more so.
• Creative use of split-screen effects allows Mark Hamill to appear in the final goodbyes as both Luke and himself:
  Luke Skywalker: Thanks for having us.
  Mark Hamill: That goes double.
  Kermit: It certainly does!

4x18: Christopher Reeve

• Reeve was more than willing to place himself in the hands of the show's producers and go along with the chaos. Also, he got to riff on his most famous role, spending much of his time hanging around a phone booth backstage (while reading Action Comics no less), "In case something comes up."
  Kermit [when Reeve agrees to recite Hamlet's soliloquy]: You'll have to wear tights.
  Reeve: Well, it won't be the first time.
• The actual soliloquy is a blast as well; at the beginning, Reeve forgets how to finish "To be or not to be, that is the...", but the real fun is when the skull used starts talking. Then Reeve, Fozzie, Link Hogthrob, and the skull sing "Brush Up Your Shakespeare".
• When Miss Piggy is having a conversation with Reeve in his dressing room, she nearly loses her train of thought when Reeve takes off his costume from the previous sketch, revealing a skin-tight shirt showing off his muscles.
  Miss Piggy: How did you get a job as Superman? Did someone see you lifting weights or... WHAA-HAHA!!!
• In the UK Spot, Sam is trying to write a letter complaining about all the "indecent" things on the show. Meanwhile, Floyd, Janice, Nigel, Beau, and an early version of Rizzo mock him with a version of Dean Martin's "Sam's Song". Just watch how Rizzo upstages everyone else with his crazy dancing.
• At the end of the show, Reeve makes a joke about how heavy Miss Piggy (who had been shamelessly flirting with him all episode) really was, at which point she tries to give him one of her patented karate chops — except he's unharmed and she's shaking as if she just hit a wall.
  Kermit: He really is the Man of Steel!

  However, after about seven seconds, Reeve winces and clutches his stomach.

4x20: Alan Arkin

• Bunsen and Beaker carelessly handle a Jekyll & Hyde potion. Floyd foreshadows the incipient hilarity: "This could be a very different kind of show tonight."
• The bunnies hovering near Kermit throughout the episode after getting attacked by Alan Arkin during the 'Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah' number, leading to this exchange:
  Kermit: Would you guys stop following me?
  Bun-Bun: Oh please, Mr. Kermit, protect us from your guest star Alan Arkin!
  Kermit: Uh, listen, guys. I know that Alan Arkin accidentally drank the Ultra Powerful Jekyll-Hyde potion, but he really is a sweet, sensitive gentleman. [Monster!Arkin roars from inside of the guest star room, scaring Kermit and the Bun-Buns.] And I'll protect you from him!
• One bunny tries hiding in Statler and Waldorf's booth:
  Bunny: You look like two kindly old gentlemen. Can I hide here?
  [Statler And Waldorf exchange looks.]
  Statler: Hey, Alan! Here's one you missed!
  [Waldorf throws the bunny back down.]
• Monster!Kermit attacking Alan Arkin.
• Arkin's closing number is "Pig Shuffle". Miss Piggy happens to overhear and is not amused. She decides to criticize Arkin's performance with a chop to the gut. Arkin doubles over... then stands up again as Monster!Arkin. Exit Miss Piggy stage left. And as the song progresses, Piggy gets so heated, Kermit and Scooter are trying desperately to hold her back.
• The episode ends with Kermit saying how they all had a great time, besides himself and Arkin periodically transforming into monsters. Then they find out that the bunnies have drunk the Jekyll-Hyde potion and promptly are mobbed by them. The episode closes with Arkin, looking completely serious, karate-chopping and tossing the bunnies offstage.

4x21: Doug Henning

• With a legendary stage magician as the guest star, the episode inevitably revolves around magic tricks. Fozzie, however, isn't quite so successful at magic:
  • He tries the "pull a rabbit out of a hat" trick for Robin, but is off by one letter:
    Rabbi: Shalom!
    Robin: Fozzie, that's not a rabbit, it's a rabbi!
    Rabbi: You was expecting the Pope, maybe?
  • So he tries again, and fails again:
    Robot: [electronic noises, courtesy of Richard Hunt]
    Robin: Fozzie, that's not a rabbit, it's a robot!
    Robot: You were expecting R2-D2, maybe?
  • But he finally succeeds in getting a rabbit out of his hat (though the rabbit needs to be woken up first), zooming into the air as if popped up out of a toaster. The rabbit says Fozzie shouldn't have tapped the hat so hard, as he is soon followed by another rabbit... and another... and another... and so every time we see Fozzie for the rest of the episode, he is surrounded by dozens of rabbits who call him "Daddy".
• The plague of rabbits even invades Veterinarians' Hospital:
  Announcer: Time once again for Veterinarians' Hospital, the continuing sto-o-ory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
  Piggy: [waving away a rabbit at the operating theatre door] Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! [joins Rowlf (as Dr. Bob) and Janice at the operating table]
  Dr. Bob: We've got to get down to business, Nurse Piggy, I'm running out of patience!
  Janice: That's what you think, Dr. Bob!
  Dr. Bob: [noticing the rabbits on the operating table] Holy guacamole! What have we here? [He pulls a rabbit out of the table as if from a hat, and another takes its place, so he pulls that one out, and another, and another...]
  Announcer: And so we come to the end of the beginning of another Veterinarians' Hospital. Tune in next week, when you'll hear Dr. Bob say:
  Dr. Bob: This has been a hare-raising experience! [He, Piggy, Janice, and the rabbits laugh.]
  Janice: Oh, fer sure, really...
• The Statler and Waldorf stinger is delivered by one of Fozzie's rabbits, who channels a friend of fellow fictional rabbit Bugs Bunny:
  Rabbit: [in the same circles used at the end of Warner Bros. cartoons] [stutters] That's all folks!
  [Waldorf knocks the rabbit out with a mallet.]
  Statler and Waldorf: Do-ho-ho-ho!

4x22: Andy Williams

• Kermit tries to imitate Miss Piggy's karate chop, but fails miserably, and she demonstrates the correct way to him and sends Kermit flying across the room until he hits the desk.

4x24: Diana Ross

• The audience for this episode are more hostile than usual toward the hapless performers, and a Running Gag sees Statler and Waldorf holding up placards awarding points out of 10 to each act; predictably, most of them are at the lower end of the scale (except for Diana Ross's performances).
  Fozzie: [trotting across the stage] Hi-ya, hi-ya, hi-ya! [the audience boos loudly] Bye-ya, bye-ya, bye-ya! [trots back offstage; Waldorf holds up a "1" card]
  Statler: You gave him a 1?
  Waldorf: He's never been better!
  Both: Do-ho-ho-ho!
• With the episode sinking fast, Diana Ross gives Kermit a suggestion for how to perk it up: "Pigs in Space"! Which, she admits after he rushes out to get the sketch ready, she hates. The audience hates it even more; the sketch revolves around Link Hogthrob's gas lighter springing a leak, and Miss Piggy mistaking the hissing for audience mockery and storming off. When Link drops the lighter under the console and strikes a match to look for it, Dr. Strangepork runs for it... KA-BOOM!
  Announcer: [over an exterior shot of the Swinetrek] Is this the end of "Pigs in Space"?
  Audience: [in unison] YES!
  Announcer: Well, tune in again next time for—
  Audience: [in unison] NO!
  Announcer: [huffily] All right then, don't! See if I care!
• This episode's UK spot is a performance of Morris Albert's "Feelings" by the Muppet orchestra... with lead vocals by Beaker. "Mee-mee... mee-mee mee mee-mee..." The audience are as thrilled as you'd expect, and even after Animal steps down from his drum kit and roars "QUIET!!", the booing continues unabated.

Season 5

5x01: Gene Kelly

• In The Teaser, Gene explains that he thought he was just being invited to watch the show, not be the special guest star;
  Gene: If you have a guest for dinner, do you ask them to cook?
  Pops: Is that an offer? We could use a good cook around here.
  (The Swedish Chef shows up and angrily wallops Pops with a frying pan)
  Gene: Uh, I don't know who you are, but I love your cooking.
• Gene and Miss Piggy go into a duet backstage, singing, "You Wonderful You". Halfway through, Piggy is called away to do the "Pigs In Space" sketch, so Gonzo takes her place!
  Gene: I don't think it'll be the same...
• Despite its production number, this was the last episode to be filmed, resulting in a subplot about Beauregard becoming convinced the end of the world is at hand. In "Pigs in Space", the Swinetrek is about to reach the end of the universe, where they will learn the meaning and purpose of life. A sixty-second countdown begins.
  • However, with fifty seconds to go, the dinner gong sounds, and as they're having swill stroganoff, first Link, then Miss Piggy and Dr. Strangepork decide food is more important than philosophy — but Miss Piggy tells the audience to stay put so they can learn the meaning and purpose of life. And just as the countdown reaches zero, we... cut to the Newsman:
    Newsman: And now, a Muppet newsflash, probably the greatest news story in history. The meaning and purpose of life has just been announced. The full text of the announcement is as follows. [looks at paper] Oh, that's... [tosses it aside and leafs through other papers on his desk] Wrong line... Uh, just a second, I had it here a minute ago... [keeps looking through the papers on his desk] Where is it? The meaning and purpose of... [to off-screen crew] How can I keep track of things when you're always straightening up my desk!?
  • Back on the Swinetrek, the crew have had their swill stroganoff, and Link is sipping from a cup of coffee:
    Dr. Strangepork: [sighs] So, here we are at the end of the universe.
    Link Hogthrob: Is there any more coffee?
    Miss Piggy: [sighs] Too bad we all missed the meaning and purpose of life.
    Announcer: [off-screen] Not all of us missed it... [the crew look up]
    Miss Piggy: [together with the other two] Tell us, tell us, what is it?
    Link Hogthrob: [together with the other two] Oh, tell us, tell us!
    Dr. Strangepork: [together with the other two] Please, please!...
    Announcer: [sing-song] I know something you don't know...
    Miss Piggy: Yeah? Well, I know something you don't know too! [pulls a lever on the console]
    Announcer: WAAAGGGHHH!... [falls from above the set onto the console; turns to camera] So much for "Pigs... in... Space..." [faints]

5x02: Loretta Swit

• Kermit firing Piggy after she spreads rumors of the two being secretly married in Las Vegas. His anger at Piggy finally boiling over is as hilarious as it is intense:
  Piggy: [running up to Kermit backstage] Kermie! Kermiiie! I have a surprise for you!
  Kermit: Yeah? What's 'at?
  Photographer: [appearing with a camera] Hold it! [Piggy stands next to Kermit and smiles as the photographer takes their picture] Thanks! [leaves]
  Piggy: Thank you! [giggles]
  Kermit: Uh, what was that all about?
  Piggy: Um.. uh... nothing! Bye! [leaves with another laugh]
  Kermit: [shrugs it off] How can I run a show with people pulling dumb stunts like that all the time?
  Scooter: [entering] Congratulations, chief!
  Kermit: On what?
  Scooter: Well, that photographer said you were gonna be on the cover story of that big gossip paper, Tongue magazine! [Kermit gasps in horror] Yeah, they found out that you and Miss Piggy were secretly married last year in Vegas!
  Kermit: What!? [Scooter leaves] Piggy! Piggy?!
  Piggy: [entering] Y-y-yes, mon chéri?
  Kermit: Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again!?
  Piggy: Um — well — what would make you think a thing like that?
  Kermit: The photographer who was just here! He was from Tongue magazine!
  Piggy: [mumbling sheepishly] Oh. Oh, him. [louder] Well, he... it was just a little teeny-tiny item-
  Kermit: It was a cover story about us being secretly married!
  Piggy: [stammering] It was a slight exaggeration-
  Kermit: THAT'S A BOLD-FACED LIE, PIGGY!!! I WILL NOT STAND AROUND WHILE YOU DO DUMB THINGS LIKE THAT, PIGGY!!
  Piggy: [trying to protest over Kermit's tirade] That was not dumb!...
  Kermit: YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO ME TOO MANY TIMES, PIGGY, I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT, I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!
  Piggy: [sputtering defiantly] Well, what are you going to do!?
  Kermit: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO, PIGGY, I'M GOING TO FIRE YOU, PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY! YOU ARE FIRED! FIRED! [starts panting with exhaustion]
• Insisting that Piggy can be replaced as the show's star, Kermit sends the Snorers' Chorus onto the stage in her place, but mere seconds into their act, Scooter tells him the audience are falling asleep, so Kermit orders them off the stage again and goes out to introduce Loretta Swit performing "I Feel the Earth Move".
  Piggy: [as Beauregard and Beaker carry the bed with the Snorers' Chorus back offstage again] You must be kidding. How can he fire me?
  Snorers' Chorus Member: Don't ask me, I was asleep!
• After Kermit fires Miss Piggy, Loretta tries to play mediator and reason with him. She tells Kermit that he can't just pick up Miss Piggy and throw her out into the snow, to which Kermit replies, "Not without a forklift, I can't!"
• Of course, Loretta's desire to play peace-maker vanishes the minute Kermit tells her she can take Piggy's place; Piggy gets dumped like a hot potato. Loretta's experience on a medical sitcom means she fits in the "Veterinarian's Hospital" sketch like a hand in a glove:
  Announcer: Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing sto-o-o-ory of a quack who's gone to the dogs. [the camera pans across to Rowlf (as Dr. Bob) and Janice at the (empty) operating table]
  Dr. Bob: Say, isn't someone missing?
  Janice: Okay: "Isn't someone missing?" [Dr. Bob groans and laughs]
  Loretta: [entering in green scrubs] Hello! I'm Nurse Loretta, and I'm here to fill in for Nurse Piggy!
  Dr. Bob: [looks Loretta up and down] Well, uh, if you're here to fill in for Nurse Piggy, you'd better fill out! [he and Janice laugh]
  Loretta: Is that some kind of a fat joke!?
  Dr. Bob: Uh, yes, unfortunately it's not the funny kind. [all three laugh]
  Loretta: Well, shall we get started?
  Dr. Bob: Not yet — I'm not sure you're qualified for what we do here at Veterinarian's Hospital.
  Loretta: Oh. I...
  Janice: Well, she might be — I think I've seen her face somewhere else!
  Loretta: Oh, that couldn't be, my face has always been right where it is. [Dr. Bob and Janice groan and laugh]
  Dr. Bob: You just qualified! [Loretta laughs and claps triumphantly] Have you got the instruments?
  Loretta: Yes, doctor — scalpel, sutures...
  Dr. Bob: Have you got clamps?
  Loretta: Uh, no, my stomach's a little upset, but I don't have any clamps. [Dr. Bob and Janice groan and laugh again]
  Dr. Bob: I think you're overqualified!
  Janice: Say! I just remembered where I saw your face! It was on a show called M*A*S*H!
  Loretta: [beams] That's right!
  Janice: Dumb name for a show, M*A*S*H... [Loretta looks offended]
  Dr. Bob: Oh, I dunno, my uncle the sled dog was on a show called M*U*S*H!^note  Presumably not the 1975-76 Filmation series with canine versions of the M*A*S*H cast in the Arctic. [he and Janice laugh]
  Loretta: Did it have a long run?
  Dr. Bob: Yes, thanks to the Eskimo with the whip! [he laughs while Janice groans and Loretta rolls her eyes]
  Announcer: And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. [as usual, the three medics look toward the ceiling in confusion] Tune in next week, when you'll hear Dr. Bob say...
  Dr. Bob: Wait a minute! We haven't had a patient yet!
  Loretta: That's nothing — you haven't had a laugh yet either! [Dr. Bob and Janice groan, then all three laugh]
• The process continues for "Pigs in Space", where Loretta gets just a little too into the role. Not only does she take Piggy's "Pigs in Space" outfit, she starts using Gratuitous French, tossing her hair like Piggy, and flirting openly with Kermit (who is more receptive than he usually is to Piggy's advances, further stoking the latter's anger).
• As Kermit and Loretta take to the stage for the final goodbyes, the newly-reinstated Miss Piggy gets Loretta back for taking over her roles by dressing as her M*A*S*H character, "Hot Lips" Houlihan.

5x03: Joan Baez

• One of the few episodes in which Rizzo the Rat had a significant speaking role has the rats trying to take over the show and Rizzo taking the opportunity to try landing himself a job as a regular on Pigs in Space (even wearing a rat-sized version of the Swinetrek crew uniform). It led to the following hilarious exchange between Rizzo, Link Hogthrob and Miss Piggy. No prizes for guessing what Miss Piggy's reaction is.
  Link: Listen, rat — you could never be in the crew of Pigs in Space!
  Rizzo: Why not?
  Link: Well... you're... you're too short!
  Piggy (in Link's ear): Why didn't you just say he wasn't a pig?
  Link: Well, I didn't wanna hurt his feelings.
  Rizzo: Okay, wait a minute, you guys! I can do anything that a pig can do!
  Link: Oh yeah?
  Piggy: Oh?
  Rizzo: Sure, I can say "oink, oink," I can wallow in the mud...
  Piggy: What?!
  Rizzo: ...I can eat garbage...
• Rizzo asks how hard joining the Swinetrek can be, if Link can do it.
  Link Hogthrob: You have to take an intelligence test.
  Rizzo: (looks at Link) And he passed it?
  Miss Piggy: Yes. ... (under her breath) Oh, I see what you mean.
• Reaching breaking point with Rizzo, Miss Piggy tries to get rid of him the only way she knows: Violence. She kicks him, but this just gets Rizzo to summon all the other rats, who mob the pigs.
• Before that, Link has actually managed to notice there's rats on the set, and has set up a trap in the fridge for them. On cue:
  (SNAP!)
  Miss Piggy: AAAAAAAAGHHH!
  (Piggy enters the Swinetrek set, with her snout caught in a rat trap)
• At the end of the show, Joan asks Kermit about the rats trying to take over the show. Kermit assures her this can't happen, but he doesn't finish the sentence before the rats carry him off. Extra funny (or possibly eerie) since Rizzo is performed by Steve Whitmire, who would go on to perform Kermit.

5x04: Shirley Bassey

• Bruno the security guard's paranoia over his gold bars (which, in fairness, cost $50 million), and his assumption that Kermit's out to get them, failing to notice Beaker waltzing right in and taking one.
• As to why Beaker would try stealing a gold bar: Dr. Honeydew's latest invention, a device that turns gold into... cottage cheese (and, as Shirley discovers later on, vice-versa).
• In the dressing room, Fozzie confides in Shirley that he is being driven to distraction by the thought of $50 million in gold bullion right there in the theatre. Shirley tries to placate him with a rendition of "Pennies from Heaven"... only for actual showers of pennies to fall at the end of every line, to her mounting frustration. Halfway through the song, they are joined by Dr. Teeth, Lew Zealand, Beaker, Gonzo, T.R. the rooster, and Rizzo, and when the final shower of pennies falls, they go berserk trying to scoop up the loose change as Shirley Headdesks.
• The Newsman delivers a report on the tight security surrounding the gold, which is sitting behind him on the newsroom set. He says dire consequences will befall anyone who so much as lays a finger on the gold... which he proceeds to demonstrate by touching them, causing Bruno to knock him to the ground. He wails "Doctor!", and a doctor enters and... listens to the gold with a stethoscope. He tells Bruno they're going to be all right, but he should stay with them, all while the Newsman lies on the ground moaning.
• Gonzo's latest bizarre avant-garde performance: conducting a version of Franz Liszt's "Liebestraum No.3" for violin (played by a purple Anything Muppet) and piano (played by Rowlf) while swordfighting a crab. The number goes Off the Rails when the violinist joins in the duel with his bow and pins Gonzo to Rowlf's piano, at which point Rowlf says this is too violent for a family show. As the performers leave the stage...
  Kermit: Okay, that was tough luck, Gonzo.
  Gonzo: Oh, tough luck? Au contraire, mon ami! [leans close to Kermit and whispers] Spanish. [aloud] You have just witnessed the birth of a great new show business partnership: Gonzo and Buster!
  Kermit: Buster? The crab's name is... [deflates] Of course it is.
• During Shirley's final musical number, "Goldfinger", the pigs manage to do what Auric Goldfinger could not — steal several million in gold bars, while her back is turned. (For bonus laughs, the gang's leader, a Link Hogthrob lookalike with the same High-Class Glass as the song's namesake, has a literal gold finger.) As Shirley belts out the final "He loves go-o-o-o-o-old!", Bruno stumbles onto the stage, takes in the absence of the gold bars... and promptly arrests Shirley. She has to deliver her farewells to Kermit and the audience while handcuffed to Bruno.
• In the Statler and Waldorf stinger, it seems Statler found a... creative way to invest in gold:
  Statler: I bought gold back when it was cheap!
  Waldorf: Really? Where is it now?
  Statler: [opens his mouth as if in the dentist's chair] Ahhhh! [Waldorf looks in his boxmate's mouth]
  Both: Doh-ho-ho-ho!

5x05: James Coburn

• Animal gets a lesson in meditation...from James Coburn. "SUH-REEEEEEENNNNEEEE!!!"
• For the final number, James and Animal rather forcefully insist on a salute to Japan, even though Kermit already planned in a rootin', tootin, cowboy number. Luckily, the bus for a Tokyo tea society broke down outside the theater, allowing them to throw something together. The peaceful aesthetic of Japan is marred by Animal's insistence on banging his gong as loudly as possible. Then, the cowboys hired for the original number complain on the current routine's slow pacing, leading to a square dance between the cowboys and geishas. Rather than fighting the madness, James decides "If you can't beat 'em" and starts calling out silly lyrics to go with the Japanese square dance.

5x06: Brooke Shields

• The episode is an extended homage to Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. The show's version of "Jabberwocky" takes a creative approach to Lewis Carroll's peculiar verbs:
  Scooter: ..the Jabberwock, with eyes of flame, came whiffling through the tulgey wood, and burbled as it came!
  Jabberwock: Burble burble! Burble burble!
  [later, after Scooter has decapitated the Jabberwock]
  Scooter: He left it dead, and with its head, he went galumphing back!
  Scooter and Jabberwock: [walking stage right] Galumph, galumph, galumph...
  [And at the end...]
  Scooter: I tell ya, this is the weirdest thing we've ever done in this show.
  Green pig: It was an outgrabe.
  Jabberwock's Head: Can I just put on my body and go home?
  Rowlf: Well, you should quit while you're ahead!
• The trial scene. With Marvin Suggs as the judge, it proves to be just as mad as anything Lewis Carroll can dream up.
  Marvin: Excuse me, green-ah person. Have you been-ah sworn in?
  Kermit: Uh, at, yes. In, no.
  Marvin: Okey-dokey! Put-ah your 'and on za book, and-ah repeat after me. (Whisphers to Kermit) "Ow."
  Kermit: (Is confused, but then Marvin hammers his hand) OW!
  Marvin: Very nice!

5x07: Glenda Jackson

• Even the Only Sane Frog can't take any more:
  Kermit: The show must not go on...because I quit! I give up! Our guest star's a pirate, the theater's sailing out to sea and I'm losing my mind!

5x08: Señor Wences

• One of the best moments of Self-Deprecation of the entire series.
  Statler: Personally, I don't care for puppets much. I don't find them believable.
  Waldorf: I don't believe you!
  Both: Doh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
• The Stinger is of them playing with puppets of their own and humming the show's theme song. They then look at each other and throw the puppets over the side.
• In the intro for Veterinarians' Hospital, Piggy mouths along to the announcer's usual spiel – until he catches on to what she’s doing and changes pace to make her mess up.

5x09: Debbie Harry

• For "Pigs! In! Space!, the Swinetrek is punctured by a meteor, and needs something to plug the hole. Something roughly the size of, say, a pig's snout...
• "Last week, you may remember the ''Swinetrek'' was caught in a meteor show. If you forgot, don't worry. I just reminded you."
• Afterward, Robin's scout troop see a battered Link walking off-stage, and ask an unsympathetic Kermit what happened.
  Kermit: It's a long story. Actually, it's a short story; he did something dumb.

5x10: Jean-Pierre Rampal

• Miss Piggy and Jean-Pierre do a duet. Or try to, at any rate, with Miss Piggy not knowing when her cue is, and then eventually reaching the limit of her range.
  Stalter: I think another chorus would have killed the pig.
  (Beat)
  Statler and Waldorf: Encore, encore!
• One sketch has the set of Veterinarian's Hospital with Marvin lying there in the dark. Then it suddenly turns into everyone (and everything) doing the conga. No context, no set-up, no explanation, none needed.

5x11: Paul Simon

• The first number, "Scarborough Fair", takes place in a Renaissance setting.
  • Halfway through, Paul approaches a gypsy;
    Gypsy: Show me your life line. (Looks at his palm) Sing fast.
  • Miss Piggy is given the refrain "Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme," but gets increasingly frustrated as no one buys any of it until she's snarling out the line by the end.
• And of course, the various puns on Paul's song, "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover".
• Through the episode, Gonzo and Paul get into an argument about music. Gonzo starts playing "El Condor Pasa", but gets the lyrics entirely wrong. Paul gets back at him by calling to his chicken back-up singers that he's throwing a party. All of them, Camilla included, flock to Simon.
  Gonzo: Camilla, this is treason!
• The introduction to Gonzo's number is pretty funny. Kermit's enthusiasm for Gonzo's "singing" is at an all-time low, so when he introduces Gonzo ("as threatened"), he can't even manage his usual "Yaaaaaay!" Instead, it's more of a "yaay?"

5x12: Melissa Manchester

• The Muppet Newsflash has the Newsman reporting on how beef is falling (in price).
  Cow: Moo!
  Newsman: Oh, no!
  (a cow, naturally, falls on him)
  Newsman: Aaaagh!

5x13: Tony Randall

• For the fifth season, The Teaser format shifted from Scooter telling the guest star "[X] seconds to curtain!" in their dressing room to the guest star arriving at the stage door, where Pops will invariably ask "Who are you?" to allow them to introduce themselves (at which point Pops finally recognises them). Randall, however, tries a bit of subterfuge...
  Pops: [holding an envelope to the light, trying to see through it] [knocking] Heh — somebody there? [Tony Randall enters in a trench coat, hat, and sunglasses] Say, who are you?
  Tony Randall: [with a fake Cockney accent] I'm a... I'm a messenger, I am. Tony Randall sent me to say he can't be your guest star. [dramatically] He's... he's come down with a rare disease. [turns to leave]
  Pops: Wait... stop that! I recognise you. You're Tony Randall!
  Tony Randall: [removes his hat and sunglasses and drops the fake accent] Rats!
  Pops: Oh, c'mon now, youngster. Take your medicine like a man!
  Tony Randall: [steeling himself] You're right. I can take it. I'm gonna go up those stairs and do this crummy show. [as he ascends the stairs, he is mobbed by cheering Muppets, his own mood still sour]
• During the actual episode, Tony accidentally turns Miss Piggy into a statue by reading a spell from a book of magic. While looking for a way to turn her back, he unknowingly ends up transforming Scooter into a myriad of things, including a double of Gonzo!^note  For bonus laughs, pay close attention to Tony's "spells" and you'll notice they are backwards spellings of his own name and those of several of the cast (including "Tnuh Drahcir" — that is, Richard Hunt, Scooter's puppeteer); the spell that turns Scooter into a double of Gonzo is "Zleog Divad Oznog" ("Gonzo: David Goelz").
  Tony: So far, nothing's happened!
  (Scooter faints)
  Tony: Was it something I said?
• During "Pigs! In! Space!", Link and Doctor Strangepork manage to de-petrify Piggy... but she immediately swears vengeance not only on Randall, but Kermit for inviting him onto the show, and the two pigs for "being twits". Link immediately repetrifies her.

5x14: Mac Davis

• The Attack of the Beaker Clones. The result of a Muppet Labs copying machine accident, the clones chase Bunsen throughout the episode, crossing over into other skits like the Swedish Chef. The last bit of the joke comes at the end, though, when the Beakers completely take over, replacing the orchestra playing the closing theme and Statler and Waldorf for the "last laugh".
• The "Bear on Patrol" sketch has Patrol Bear arresting a Beaker clone for making funny noises in public, with Beaker's attempt to extricate himself only getting him a longer sentence. But as Fozzie and Link try booking Beaker, several more Beakers show up, freaking the two out.
• Near the end, Mac Davis gives one of the Beaker clones a kiss on the nose, making him geek out with excitement.

5x15: Carol Burnett

• Gonzo has arranged a dance-a-thon to occur at the same time as this episode, so there's plenty of room for Carol's brand of comedy. Especially at the end, where instead of Statler and Waldorf's stinger, Carol rushes on stage to try to do her "Lonely Asparagus" skit, only for the orchestra's finale to indicate time's run out. You then hear her in the background, "Oh, rats..."
• Statler and Waldorf wonder what the prize to the dancing is. Apparently it's a three week holiday. Naturally, they immediately start dancing.
• Kermit notices early on something with the dance-a-thon.
  Kermit: What makes this different from an "At the Dance" sketch?
  Gonzo: It goes on forever!
• As part of Gonzo's dance marathon, he insists everyone must be dancing with a partner. Carol gets stuck with Animal, while Kermit gets stuck with Gonzo.
• Later on, Miss Piggy tries getting Kermit to dance with him. Kermit's reluctant, until Gonzo reminds him he is Kermit's dance partner.
• Despite Gonzo's takeover, the pigs still manage to get a "Pigs! In! Space!" on, just with the addition of a disco ball to the set, while Piggy tries to deal with a "weird alien creature". It then eats her alive. Gonzo enters to tell her she has to keep dancing or she'll be disqualified from the marathon, so Piggy manages to dance inside the creature's stomach.
• Carol's rant to Kermit about how when Julie Andrews was on the show, she didn't have to put up with all this crap. (Burnett and Andrews are actually life-long friends.)

5x17: Hal Linden

• When Kermit lets Statler and Waldorf run the show, the two old grumps end up having as much trouble as the frog. Linden is initially confused to find them hosting the show while Kermit and Fozzie are in their box, and when he greets them, he falls into a case of Mistaken Identity regarding Fozzie that the latter has second thoughts about resolving:
  Linden: Uh, excuse me, uh...
  Statler: Hey, it's our guest star, Hal Linden!
  Statler and Waldorf: [waving their arms Kermit style] Yayyy! [audience applause]
  Linden: I'm sorry to bother you, I'm looking for, uh, Kermit?
  Waldorf: Yes, well, you see, we're hosting the show tonight, he's up there. [points to the box]
  Linden: Oh. [smiles and waves] Hi Kermit!
  Kermit: Hi Hal! You're in good hands down there! I'm just gonna sit up here and watch.
  Fozzie: [upset] Hey, Kermit, wh- how come he didn't say hello to me? [aloud] Hey Hal, hi, it's me! [waves]
  Linden: Oh, hi Rowlf! [smiles and waves again]
  Fozzie: Rowlf? Uh — I'm not Rowlf!
  Linden: Oh. [whispers to Statler and Waldorf] Is, is that the, uh, dog that plays the piano?
  Statler: No, no, that's the bear that tells bad jokes and dies on stage! [he and Waldorf laugh]
  Linden: [smiles and waves again] Hi Fozzie!
  Fozzie: Uh... Rowlf! [forced chuckle] Name's Rowlf. [to Kermit] I'll start piano lessons tomorrow.
• The first act is Geri and the Atrics singing Barry Mann's "Who Put the Bomp", which the chagrined Statler and Waldorf describe as the sort of act Kermit would book; as the band leave the stage, the duo say they thought they were getting Sigmund Romberg songs. Then Gonzo shows up with a pineapple for his Mozart number. Why the pineapple? His watermelon is at the cleaners.
• Statler and Waldorf tell Gonzo his act has been cancelled, and they decide to give the show a bit of class by booking the Berlin National Opera to sing the Act I finale from Siegfried... only to discover too late that the Berlin National Opera had to cancel, and their replacements are the Salzburg Sauerkraut Singers, a troupe of pigs who perform a raucous version of "Drink, Drink, Drink" from The Student Prince (with music by... Sigmund Romberg; Be Careful What You Wish For, Statler and Waldorf!) while carrying plates of sauerkraut, the contents of which end up littering the stage.
  Gonzo: [watching from the wings] Boy, if they're gonna book quality acts like that, I don't have a chance!
• When Linden tries to do a musical salute to the duo's favorite holiday, he discovers that Statler's is the Fourth of July while Waldorf's is Christmas. Cue Linden singing patriotic songs while Gonzo and his chickens sing Christmas carols. Linden starts with "Yankee Doodle Dandy" (dressed similarly to James Cagney in the 1942 George M. Cohan biopic of the same name), only to be interrupted by Gonzo and his chickens (respectively dressed as Santa Claus and wearing reindeer antlers) singing "Jingle Bells". Linden moves on to "You're a Grand Old Flag", but Gonzo and the chickens counter with "Sleigh Ride". As Statler yells "Fight on!" from the wings, Linden brings out a big bass drum and breaks into "This Land is Your Land", but Gonzo and the chickens fire back with "Winter Wonderland", accompanied by a chorus of penguins wearing tinsel halos. So Linden dons an Uncle Sam costume and sings the vocal version of "The Stars and Stripes Forever" in counterpoint to "Winter Wonderland" as Miss Piggy enters dressed in a Statue of Liberty-esque costume, while Statler cues fireworks, Waldorf cues snow, and finally Linden shoves his hat over the entire top half of Gonzo's body as the song stumbles to a close.
• When Miss Piggy hijacks one of the acts to sing her rendition of "Just an Old Fashioned Girl", Statler and Waldorf despair at the endless sabotage. They find Beauregard standing idle backstage and order him to do something useful while they look for another act to put on stage. Just as Waldorf concludes that they can send Linden (an accomplished clarinet player) on stage to perform "When the Saints Go Marching In" with Dr. Teeth and the rest of the in-house band, he falls through the floor with a scream. Beauregard returns and tells Statler that he's doing something useful: checking the backstage trapdoor releases.
• Waldorf clambers out again and orders Beauregard not to test any more backstage trapdoor releases, so Beauregard decides to test the onstage trapdoor releases... just as Statler and Waldorf have persuaded Linden not to quit the show and are in the middle of his introduction, which they barely finish before falling through trapdoors. Beauregard continues to open trapdoors throughout the number, sending Lips the trumpeter, the trombone player, Floyd, Janice, Dr. Teeth, and finally Linden falling through the stage (although each of them returns after a few seconds).^note  Only Animal escapes the trapdoors; evidently even Beauregard isn't crazy enough to risk his anger.
• Having learned their lesson, Statler and Waldorf hand the reins of the show back to Kermit and swear off making fun of the show. Their promise lasts until The Stinger:
  Statler: You know, I never liked their theme music.
  Waldorf: Neither did I.
  Kermit: [from the stage] You promised!
  Statler and Waldorf: [unrepentant] Do-ho-ho-ho!

5x18: Marty Feldman

• Marty certainly knows how to make an entrance, and he's brought along a companion for the Arabian Nights theme for his appearance:
  [Pops is fast asleep, snoring loudly as Marty peers around the door, grins, and walks up to tap Pops on the head]
  Marty: Wake up! The British are coming, the British are coming!
  Pops: [startled awake] Uh! Uh... oh. Who're you?
  Marty: I'm Marty Feldman! I'm British! I'm coming! Erm, can I bring, er, Lauretta in?
  Pops: Oh, sure! Uh, she your wife?^note  Marty's wife's name was Lauretta [Sullivan]; they were married from 1959 until Feldman's death in 1982.
  Marty: Well, give us a chance, we've hardly met! [leads in a pantomime camel] There, come round the door, yeah. [to Pops] Kermit sent her for me.
  Pops: Oh, yes! Have any trouble?
  Marty: Well, yes. You see, I-I forgot that these things run on water, so, er, I had her filled up with petrol.
  Pops: That's terrible!
  Marty: [as Lauretta breathes car exhaust into his face] Well, it's improved her breath...
• Every single second of Marty as Scheherazade. It'd probably work better if Marty didn't show up in combat boots smoking a cigarette.
  Marty: It's fantasy. You've got to suspend your disbelief.
• The Swedish Caliph interrupts the Sinbad story to offer some ketchup, because Sweetums in the story said he wanted some. Marty has to point out that'll do no good, then chugs the ketchup himself like it was a beer.
• The Aladdin sketch doesn't go well when Fozzie tries to get in on Marty's genie act.
  Marty: I am the genie!
  (Fozzie appears in a burst of smoke)
  Fozzie: (singing) With the light brown bear!
  (an irritated Marty obliterates Fozzie with magic)
• Sam gets duped into doing a sketch with Marty. It begins with him reading out the script, trying to figure out his part.
  Sam: "The stooge is sitting in front of a desk." (looks over the desk he's standing in front of and sees a chair) Must be the stooge... (reads ahead in the script) "No, you are the stooge."
• The sketch itself doesn't go any better for Sam. Marty is Orville and Wilbur Wright — two twins who happen to be the exact same person. ("Our mom wanted identical twins.") Things get even more surreal from there...
• The Ali Baba sketch gets derailed as Fozzie, playing the lead thief, learns from Scooter what becomes of his character. Seems the Muppets intend on some good ol' fatal method acting... so he instead moves it into a chorus of "There'll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight". He decides they need more singers, so with a few calls of "Open Sesame!", he is able to summon more characters. The second time he says "Open Sesame", the cast of Sesame Street (including Ernie, Bert, Grover, Cookie Monster, and the Count) show up and sings a verse of their theme song.
• At the end, Marty declares that Cookie Monster is his favorite Muppet, though he doesn't know why. Next thing we see is a close-up of their two faces, with Feldman's famous bulging eyes next to Cookie Monster's. Then a bunch of googly-eyed Muppets come out on stage, and Kermit declares that Marty's made an impression on the whole cast!
• The Statler and Waldorf closer in this one has the Sesame Street Muppets up in the balcony with them.
  Waldorf: How should we know how to get to Sesame Street?
  Statler: We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!
  All: Do-ho-ho-ho!

5x19: Johnny Cash

• Watch Johnny Cash try to keep a straight face at Rowlf's horrified reactions to "Dirty Old Egg-Sucking Dog."

5x20: Wally Boag

• A very reluctant Rowlf gets dragged into a sketch with Miss Piggy and Foo-Foo, who Piggy claims is capable of performing tricks. No-one but Piggy is enthused, especially since Rowlf and Piggy aren't getting on.
  Miss Piggy: Who wants to see Foo-Foo perform another trick?
  (resounding silence)
  Rowlf: It's unanimous!
• The Swedish Chef, Animal and Beaker's performance of "Danny Boy". Oh boy, oh boy. Especially because it's the clear inspiration for their use as a trio in the Muppet Viral Videos.

5x22: Buddy Rich

• To deal with the blackouts plaguing the show, Bunsen sets up a generator that runs on "Beaker Power". When Beaker starts to tire, Bunsen activates a power booster by releasing a tiger inside the wheel.
• Buddy Rich meets his competition before the big drum battle with Animal.
  Buddy: He looks like a sore loser.
  Dr. Teeth: Yeah, well if this chain breaks, you're gonna be a sore winner. Animal, are you ready?
  Animal: KILL! KILL!
  Buddy: Yup, he's ready.

5x23: Linda Ronstadt

• The Muppets' version of "The Cat Came Back".
• Through the episode, Kermit is trapped in a trunk, which contained Gonzo's mildew collection, because of Ms. Piggy. At the end of the episode, Kermit figures he's finally got her back... until Piggy punches through the trunk's lid. The episode ends with her ramming him, still inside the trunk.

5x24: Roger Moore

• It seems the line between Roger Moore and James Bond is a bit fuzzy at times, as Pops learns to his cost:
  Pops: [builds up to a somewhat anti-climactic sneeze just as Roger enters] Huh... who're you?
  Roger Moore: Well, I'm... tonight's guest star, Roger Moore.
  Pops: That's funny, I coulda sworn you were that James Bond fella from the movies!
  Roger Moore: Yes, well, you mustn't believe everything you see in the movies! I mean, all that secret agent spy stuff is only make-believe! [heads into the theatre]
  Pops: Okay, young fella, if you say so! [once Roger is out of sight, Pops grabs a walkie-talkie] Hello, this is Agent Pops to control, do you read me?
  Control: [over walkie-talkie] Go ahead, Agent Pops!
  Pops: Yeah, 007 just passed Checkpoint A, headed your wa- [Roger appears behind him and grabs him in a headlock] AACK!
  Roger Moore: All right, who are you working for!?
  Pops: [gasping] The frog, the frog!
  Roger Moore: [lets go of Pops' neck] That's funny... so am I! [leaves again]
• Pig Vikings ransacking a village while singing "In The Navy"! It took several days to film, but it was worth it, as the end results are hilarious. Highlights include the duck quacking along with the chorus — at least until the boat knocks him underwater with a quack of protest — as well as the ship's figurehead joining in the song for the second chorus. And then there's Kermit's intro, to which the Swedish Chef takes violent exception:
  Kermit: But first! Meet the Vikings! Those cruel, heartless Scandinavian marauders whose savage brutality earned them the reputation "Worst human beings in history"!
  Swedish Chef: [storms onto the stage, ranting angrily in mock Swedish, and clobbers Kermit with a Frying Pan of Doom before leaving again]
  Kermit: Uh... [defensive] I'm sorry about that!... Uh, uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh, uh... the Vikings! Those gentle, quaint, fun-loving old charmers...
• Roger and Piggy do a musical number, with Piggy trying to force herself on an unwilling guest one more time, as Roger tries to get the point across he's not interested in her, and has a date coming.
  Piggy: We can make it work.
  Roger Moore: I don't WANT it to work!
• The date turns out to be Annie Sue, much to Piggy's upset. Their original plan is to see Hamlet, a pun Piggy doesn't appreciate... and she appreciates it even less when Roger says Hamlet was cancelled and he and Annie Sue went to see Pygmalion instead.
• For Roger's closing number, he plans to perform "Talk to the Animals" with a flock of cute animal Muppets... which Kermit doesn't realise until after he has found a listing for spies in the Yellow Pages and called them in to participate in the closing number, only for the spies to get the wrong idea and assume they are there to fight James Bond. The ever unflappable Roger performs "Talk to the Animals" anyway, almost casually dispensing with the enemy agents when they try to interrupt.

Unsorted

• Every time Kermit bugs/freaks out or says "Will you get outta here?!" while flailing his arms. Hilarious! Also, that thing — often just before the above — where his mouth crumples inward in total frustration/aggravation◊. Most. Adorable. Freakout expression. Ever.
• Similar to the adorable look of a frustrated Kermit, the "scrunched-in" appearance of Statler after Waldorf smacks or humiliates him is very laugh-worthy, as is Waldorf giving Statler the "evil eye"!
• The original pitch for the show. "Sheer unrelenting hyperbole" doesn't even begin to describe it! Even better is the ending (cut from DVD releases, unfortunately).
  Leo: And God will look down on us, and smile on us, and he will say "Let them have a 40 (percent) share!"
  Kermit: (walks in and looks around before addressing the camera) What the hell was that all about?

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