"With a few exceptions, the characters on this program are weird and peculiar and not to be trusted."
—Sam the Eagle
"Why, did you know that underneath their clothing, the entire population of the world is walking around completely naked? Hrmm? Isn't that disgusting?"
—Sam the Eagle
Statler: "Hey Berle! You know what? I've just figured out your style. You work like Gregory Peck."
Berle: "Wha - Gregory Peck's not a comedian!"
Statler: "Well..."
Berle: "Now just a minute, please. I've been a successful comedian for half my life!"
Waldorf: "How come we got this half?"
Berle: "Look, did you come in here to be entertained or not?"
Statler: "That's right."
Berle: "What?"
Waldorf: "We came in here to be entertained, and we're not."
Berle: "Wha - Gregory Peck's not a comedian!"
Statler: "Well..."
Berle: "Now just a minute, please. I've been a successful comedian for half my life!"
Waldorf: "How come we got this half?"
Berle: "Look, did you come in here to be entertained or not?"
Statler: "That's right."
Berle: "What?"
Waldorf: "We came in here to be entertained, and we're not."
—Milton Berle takes the usual abuse from Statler and Waldorf
Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop and it's not quite a puppet... but man (laughs). So to answer your question, I don't know.
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop and it's not quite a puppet... but man (laughs). So to answer your question, I don't know.
— Homer Simpson attempts to describe the Muppets, The Simpsons, "A Fish Called Selma"
Statler: "The question is; what is a Mahna Mahna?
Waldorf: "The question is; who cares?"
Waldorf: "The question is; who cares?"
—Statler and Waldorf's very first snarky comment ever on the show.
Big Bird: "Oh, hi! I'm Big Bird!"
Miss Piggy: [looking him up and down] "No kidding."
Big Bird: "I'm a friend of Kermit's. We both come from the same neighborhood, Sesame Street."
Miss Piggy: "Ah! Isn't that the cute little children's show with puppets?"
Miss Piggy: [looking him up and down] "No kidding."
Big Bird: "I'm a friend of Kermit's. We both come from the same neighborhood, Sesame Street."
Miss Piggy: "Ah! Isn't that the cute little children's show with puppets?"
—Miss Piggy and Big Bird meet for the first time when the latter makes a guest appearance on the show.
Beauregard: "I sent Beaker to get the power saw."
Kermit the Frog: "Is that wise?"
Beauregard: "Oh sure, he's okay."
Kermit the Frog: "He's dumber than you are."
Beauregard: "He is not!"
Kermit the Frog: "Is that wise?"
Beauregard: "Oh sure, he's okay."
Kermit the Frog: "He's dumber than you are."
Beauregard: "He is not!"
—Kermit and Beauregard the janitor having an intellectual conversation.
Kermit the Frog: Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again?
Miss Piggy: Um... W-What would make you think a thing like that?
Kermit: The photographer who was just here! He was from Tongue Magazine!
Piggy: Oh... Oh, yeah. Well, it was a little teeny-tiny item!
Kermit: IT WAS A COVER STORY ABOUT US BEING SECRETLY MARRIED!
Piggy: Well... a slight exaggeration.
Kermit: THAT'S A BALD-FACED LIE, PIGGY! I WILL NOT STAND AROUND WHILE YOU DUMB THINGS LIKE THAT, PIGGY! YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO ME TOO MANY TIMES, PIGGY! I WILL NOT STAND FOR FOR IT! I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!
Piggy: What are you gonna do?
Kermit: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I AM GOING TO DO, PIGGY! I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU! PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY! YOU ARE FIRED, FIRED!
Piggy: You are kidding!
Kermit: I AM NOT KIDDING!
Piggy: But- But I am in the next number!
Kermit: I WILL CANCE- CAN- (To the intercom) Cancel the next number! Put on the snorers' chorus instead!
Miss Piggy: Um... W-What would make you think a thing like that?
Kermit: The photographer who was just here! He was from Tongue Magazine!
Piggy: Oh... Oh, yeah. Well, it was a little teeny-tiny item!
Kermit: IT WAS A COVER STORY ABOUT US BEING SECRETLY MARRIED!
Piggy: Well... a slight exaggeration.
Kermit: THAT'S A BALD-FACED LIE, PIGGY! I WILL NOT STAND AROUND WHILE YOU DUMB THINGS LIKE THAT, PIGGY! YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO ME TOO MANY TIMES, PIGGY! I WILL NOT STAND FOR FOR IT! I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!
Piggy: What are you gonna do?
Kermit: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I AM GOING TO DO, PIGGY! I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU! PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY! YOU ARE FIRED, FIRED!
Piggy: You are kidding!
Kermit: I AM NOT KIDDING!
Piggy: But- But I am in the next number!
Kermit: I WILL CANCE- CAN- (To the intercom) Cancel the next number! Put on the snorers' chorus instead!
—Kermit the Frog fires Miss Piggy when the photographer from Tongue Magazine gave them the cover story about them getting secretly married.
Loretta Swit: Now, Kermit, who is going to replace a talent, and a verb?
Kermit the Frog: Well, in Vet's Hospital, I wonder if you could be in it?
Loretta Swit: (Gasp!) I'D LOVE TOO!
Kermit the Frog: Oh, good!
Loretta Swit: Will the clothes fit?
Kermit the Frog: Why sure! Anybody can do that.
Tongue Magazine Photographer: Hey Miss Piggy, do you work here?
Miss Piggy: HAI-YAH! (Kicks the photographer)
Kermit the Frog: Well, in Vet's Hospital, I wonder if you could be in it?
Loretta Swit: (Gasp!) I'D LOVE TOO!
Kermit the Frog: Oh, good!
Loretta Swit: Will the clothes fit?
Kermit the Frog: Why sure! Anybody can do that.
Tongue Magazine Photographer: Hey Miss Piggy, do you work here?
Miss Piggy: HAI-YAH! (Kicks the photographer)
—Kermit the Frog giving Loretta Swit an offer on replacing Miss Piggy on Vets Hospital after Kermit fires Miss Piggy.
"When Animal gets something he either hits it or eats it. No third alternative."
—Dr. Teeth
Kermit the Frog: Usually at this time, I would have said "We will see you again next time on The Muppet Show" to the audience. But do you mind saying good night to audience, your way?
Roy Rogers: Well, I'll be glad to, Kermit. (To the audience) "Until we meet again, On screen or in person, Good night, Good luck, And make the good lord take a liking on you!"
Roy Rogers: Well, I'll be glad to, Kermit. (To the audience) "Until we meet again, On screen or in person, Good night, Good luck, And make the good lord take a liking on you!"
—From the ending of the Roy Rogers and Dale Evans episode of The Muppet Show. Kermit offers Roy Rogers to say Good night to the audience his way.
Kermit the Frog: (Depressed) Thank you, and welcome to the very moment of the Muppet Show. I am sorry guys, but I have some bad news.
Statler: I think we made it at last.
Waldorf: Could be, or maybe the show is cancelled.
Kermit the Frog: I just misread my calender, the show has been cancelled because we are doing an audition. You are welcome to see the audition, but I don't know if they are very excitement. Good night everybody.
(Audience leave the theatre in disappointment)
Statler: I think we made it at last.
Waldorf: Could be, or maybe the show is cancelled.
Kermit the Frog: I just misread my calender, the show has been cancelled because we are doing an audition. You are welcome to see the audition, but I don't know if they are very excitement. Good night everybody.
(Audience leave the theatre in disappointment)
—From the Steve Martin episode when Kermit alerted the viewers that tonight's show is cancelled due to audition.
Kermit the Frog: (As he on the stage set for the closing number of the Sylvester Stallone episode) Well, we all had fun today, and I know there's nothing more to say about it. But before we go, we want to say a warm thank you to our special guest star, Sylvester Stallone! YAYYYYYYYYY!
Sylvester Stallone: (Cheering up a bit) Well, Kermit, I had a wonderful time. I hope I didn't hurt you by talking to the punching bag.
The Punching Bag: Come on, Stallone. Give us this one for old time's sake.
Sylvester Stallone: Well, okay. (He punches the punching bag)
Kermit the Frog: Well, anyways, we wil see you again next time on The Muppet Show!'' You are a wonderful laugh track.
Sylvester Stallone: (Cheering up a bit) Well, Kermit, I had a wonderful time. I hope I didn't hurt you by talking to the punching bag.
The Punching Bag: Come on, Stallone. Give us this one for old time's sake.
Sylvester Stallone: Well, okay. (He punches the punching bag)
Kermit the Frog: Well, anyways, we wil see you again next time on The Muppet Show!'' You are a wonderful laugh track.
—From the ending of the Sylvester Stallone episode.
Kermit the Chicken: Well, This is Kermit the Chicken saying we all had fun today. But before we go, let us give out a warm thank you to our special guest star, Mr. Roger Miller! YAYYYYYYYYY!
Roger Miller: Well, Kermit, I had a great time. And it appears that you have some bad case of Cluckitis.
Kermit the Chicken: You know all about Cluckitis?
Roger Miller: I used to have one along time ago. But in the few days, it went away, and I turn back into a human.
Gonzo: And I am glad I don't have Cluckitis.
Kermit the Chicken: Well, we will see you again next time on the Muppet Show!
Roger Miller: Well, Kermit, I had a great time. And it appears that you have some bad case of Cluckitis.
Kermit the Chicken: You know all about Cluckitis?
Roger Miller: I used to have one along time ago. But in the few days, it went away, and I turn back into a human.
Gonzo: And I am glad I don't have Cluckitis.
Kermit the Chicken: Well, we will see you again next time on the Muppet Show!
—From the Roger Miller episode.
Statler: Well, it looks like time's running out for us.
Waldorf: Yeah, and for the show, too!
Statler: So let's bring back our wonderful guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!
Kermit: (running back on stage with Fozzie) YAYYYYYYYYY!
Hal Linden: Kermit, it's good to see you.
Waldorf: It sure is!
Statler: Yeah, tonight's been a disaster.
Hal Linden: Has it really?
Kermit: Gee, I thought that was a teriffic show!
Hal Linden: What're you talking about? There was a lot of confusion and chaos, and a lot of running around like mindless maniacs...
Fozzie: Yeah yeah, just like any good Muppet Show!
Kermit: And Hal, you're a big part of it.
Hal Linden: Oh, good. I'm glad I fit right in.
(Everyone laughs.)
Waldorf: Kermit, the show's all yours. We're going back up to our seats in the box and stay there. (exits the stage)
Statler: (nods) We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about this show again! (exits the stage)
Kermit: Oh, good! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Fozzie: Bye!
(After the credits...)
Statler: You know, I've never liked their theme music.
Waldorf: Neither did I.
Kermit: You promised!
Statler & Waldorf: Doh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Waldorf: Yeah, and for the show, too!
Statler: So let's bring back our wonderful guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!
Kermit: (running back on stage with Fozzie) YAYYYYYYYYY!
Hal Linden: Kermit, it's good to see you.
Waldorf: It sure is!
Statler: Yeah, tonight's been a disaster.
Hal Linden: Has it really?
Kermit: Gee, I thought that was a teriffic show!
Hal Linden: What're you talking about? There was a lot of confusion and chaos, and a lot of running around like mindless maniacs...
Fozzie: Yeah yeah, just like any good Muppet Show!
Kermit: And Hal, you're a big part of it.
Hal Linden: Oh, good. I'm glad I fit right in.
(Everyone laughs.)
Waldorf: Kermit, the show's all yours. We're going back up to our seats in the box and stay there. (exits the stage)
Statler: (nods) We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about this show again! (exits the stage)
Kermit: Oh, good! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Fozzie: Bye!
(After the credits...)
Statler: You know, I've never liked their theme music.
Waldorf: Neither did I.
Kermit: You promised!
Statler & Waldorf: Doh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
—From the ending of the Hal Linden episode.
Droop: I don't like it here, It's so dull.
Ben Vereen: Hello, Droop.
Droop: Hello, Ben.
Ben Vereen: Hey listen, I can take you out of this place.
Droop: No thanks, I am not allowed to cross the street.
Ben Vereen: No no, That's not what I mean. Just listen.....
— Opening lines for the closing number of the Ben Vereen number as they sing Pure Imagination from the 1971 movie: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
Albert Flan: WATCH OUT FOR THE MAIN POWER CABLE!
Fozzie Bear: Say What?!?
*Gets electrocuted by Otto the Robot Comedian*
— Fozzie Bear tries to cut the Robot in half during saw the lady in half gag on the Fozzie's Comedy Spot on the Sylvester Stallone episode.
Beuaregard: You are trying to make me feel better. But I know, THE END IS NEAR!!!
Kermit the Frog: Uh, NO! The end is now! (To the viewers) We will see you in reruns of The Muppet Show!
— From the Gene Kelly episode. This was the series finale.
Cloris Leachman: Okay, CUT! CUT! That is Not Sweetums! And you are NOT KERMIT!
Kermit look-a-like pig: Yes, I am!
Cloris Leachman: No, You are not.
Kermit look-a-like pig: Maybe it's your TV set.
Cloris Leachman: WRONG! I have seen The Muppet Show many times before. And you don't look anything like Kermit. Well, You are green, And you have a neck color that Kermit wears. But you are NOT Kermit!
Kermit look-a-like pig: YES, I AM!
Cloris Leachman: Alright, Then I will spell it out for you! You are pig: P-I-G, You are NOT a frog: F-R-O-G, You are NOT a frog, And it ever convince me, That you are a frog: NOTHING!
Kermit look-a-like pig: RIBBIT! RIBBIT! RIBBIT!
Cloris Leachman: Kermit, It is you.
—From the Cloris Leachman episode when the pigs meanfully take over the show.
Scooter: Hey, Kermit! We are free!
Kermit the Frog: What happened?!?
Scootrer: Cloris did a hog-calling contest. All the pigs heard it and went out!
Kermit the Frog: I see. (To Fozzie Bear) Fozzie, Tell Gonzo that we are free.
Fozzie Bear: Right on, (To Gonzo) HEY GONZO! (No response in the hole)
—From the Cloris Leachman episode after the hog calling contest caused the pigs to escape.
*Door knocks*
Dudley Moore: COME IN!
Scooter: Oh, Dudley, Dudley Moore. 15 Seconds to Curtain, Mr. Moore.
Dudley Moore: (As he is tuning his piano) Thank you, Scooter. But you see, I am having a bit trouble getting this piano tuned. Can you give me an A?
Scooter: Sure, Easy! (Uses the gun to shoot a the ceiling and comes down the letter A)
—The teaser opening to the Dudley Moore episode.
News Anchor: (Interrupting the Pigs in Space sketch) And now, A Muppet news flash! Probably a greatest news story in history, The meaning of porpoise of life has just been announced... (He looks at the wrong message) Wait a minute, That's the wrong one. Hmm, I had it here a minute a go. Where is it? The meaning of purpose of life? Hmmm [To a crew member] HOW COULD I KEEP TRACK OF THINGS WHEN YOU ALWAYS STRAIGHTENING OUT MY DESK?!?
—From the Gene Kelly episode.
